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00:02Welcome to the Royal Opera House, Covent Garden.
00:05Please welcome to the stage, Bill Bailey.
00:22Welcome!
00:26Welcome, welcome, everybody, to the Royal Opera House, Covent Garden.
00:30What a fantastic venue. It's a great honour to be here.
00:33Some of you, I imagine, will be opera buffs,
00:35and you'll be thinking,
00:38this is a bit odd, isn't it?
00:40Bill Bailey, comedian, Royal Opera House.
00:44Has there been some sort of mix-up in the booking?
00:48It's Catherine Jenkins appearing at the Chuckle Lounge in Lowestoft.
00:55Which I would pay good money to see.
00:59A little bit of housekeeping before we start.
01:02I've got a jazz button.
01:03When I deploy the jazz button,
01:04it turns the Opera House briefly into a jazz club.
01:12So, we'll be using that in an emergency.
01:15And I also have a medieval button.
01:24So there's that.
01:26I have a Boris randomiser.
01:28I have had some drugs.
01:29OK.
01:35No idea what's going to come out of that.
01:37And I also have a bin of wonder.
01:46I'm guessing you might want to see that again.
01:49I have a bin of wonder.
01:54One more time.
01:56I have a bin of wonder.
02:03Now, some of you may be thinking,
02:04why has Bill got some kind of barbecue on the stage?
02:07Well, this is actually a rather intriguing instrument.
02:11It's actually a convex steel drum.
02:14Or a handpan.
02:15A hang drum, if you will.
02:16And it makes a rather beautiful and intriguing sound.
02:19I'll give you a brief demo.
02:37Here it is.
02:40Here's some...
02:41It's a rather lovely thing.
02:43It's unfortunate.
02:44It has been espoused by the tie-dyed community.
02:47It gets used a lot on the promotional videos for yoga retreats.
02:51You know.
02:52Welcome to the Earth Wellness Centre.
02:54Drift downstream on a lilo of the limbic system.
02:58Join us for a zen humming and healing weekend with oatmeal conversation.
03:01You know.
03:02It's just...
03:02It's been produced by the Reiki Flay Karate.
03:05And...
03:08But you've got to say that it does lend itself rather to the meditative act.
03:14Doesn't it not?
03:14It's the perfect instrument.
03:16In a way that perhaps the bagpipes wouldn't be quite so relaxing.
03:19I think...
03:20Relax your mind.
03:22Imagine you're on a beautiful river.
03:24What?
03:25Relax!
03:27So...
03:29Over here...
03:30Now this is...
03:32This is the theremin.
03:34You play it by proximity.
03:38It was invented by accident by a Russian KGB radio engineer in 1920.
03:43Of course you knew that.
03:44And it was...
03:46It was...
03:47Basically there's two electromagnetic processes which create these realms of oscillation as I call them.
03:53I mean it's not called that but I like the word.
03:55Like the term.
03:56Realm of Oscillation.
03:57It sounds like an experimental music duo from Lowestoft.
04:01Hello. We're Realm of Oscillation.
04:03This is our new track.
04:04Mole frequency.
04:05Oh great.
04:07And you play it by proximity.
04:08You move your hand into its realm.
04:14You can play it with any part of the body. You can play it with the head.
04:18It's intriguing and annoying.
04:20And...
04:22This is something perhaps more familiar.
04:23This is an iPhone.
04:25Now there's an app on it called GarageBand.
04:27A beautiful instrument called the Erhu.
04:29A Chinese bowed guitar.
04:32And I've contrived to present a piece for you.
04:35A duet for two iPhones.
04:38Yes.
04:49Yes.
04:51Yes.
05:05How are you?
05:07I'm sorry.
05:38I don't know what didn't make sense to me.
05:40You know the high street freezer chain in Iceland?
05:45OK, so, you know what?
05:47I may have pitched this a little bit wrong for the Royal Opera House.
05:53You get a different class of punter here, don't you?
05:56You're looking at me like, what?
05:58Like a high street freezer chain?
06:01Good Lord, what is such a thing?
06:04I love coming to these do's.
06:07You know, to hear these lowbrow comedians and the humdrum lives that they lead.
06:11Tell us more, vaudevillian.
06:15Tell us of this high street of which you speak.
06:20A mechanical device for freezing things?
06:22Good Lord.
06:23You'll be telling me that women have got the vote next.
06:25Good Lord.
06:26How do we get cool things, Marjorie?
06:27Well, a chap from the village brings a block of ice up on a cart
06:30and Francois carves it into a swan and we serve the canapes on that.
06:33Oh, I see.
06:35Carry on.
06:37So.
06:41Shall we try that again?
06:44You know the high street freezer chain in Iceland, right?
06:47Of course you do.
06:48Now, they got into a bit of a contretemps with the country, Iceland, right?
06:54This is a true story.
06:55Iceland, the country, took them to court to stop them using the name Iceland,
07:00lest they be mixed up, right?
07:02Lest people were unable to distinguish between the two.
07:05But let me ask you a genuine question, Royal Operators.
07:09Who?
07:09Who are these people incapable of distinguishing between a shop and a country?
07:15Who are these people coming out of Reykjavik Airport
07:18and standing there looking round going,
07:20oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
07:24No, this is just lava fields and disgraced banks.
07:28Where's me cod parcel in a cheese and chive sauce?
07:35I've got a theory about who these people might be.
07:37It's a little bit contentious.
07:38Idiots, right?
07:40We all know them.
07:42We've all seen them in casualty.
07:43They're the ones with a compass stuck in their forehead
07:46because they try to draw a circumference of their own face.
07:53People that say things like wearing a mask,
07:55it's like living in Nazi Germany.
07:58Wearing a mask.
07:59Yeah, because that's what the Nazis are known for, wasn't it?
08:01Mild inconvenience.
08:07Oh.
08:10What, take the bins out on a Wednesday
08:12as opposed to a Thursday fart living in Nazi Germany?
08:16Anyway.
08:18Good evening.
08:20I'm Bill Bailey, by the way.
08:22I'm a person of note.
08:23I was voted seventh most intelligent person on the TV
08:27by readers of Radio Times magazine.
08:30So, yes, thank you.
08:33Number six was Lisa Simpson,
08:36a fictitious cartoon character.
08:39I have a recognisable face.
08:41And sometimes it can lead to some sort of rather odd exchanges.
08:46I was driving down to the West Country.
08:49I came out of a service station
08:50and I wasn't wearing a seatbelt.
08:53These two cops stopped me.
08:54And he said,
08:56you weren't wearing a seatbelt.
08:57I went, no.
08:58And then he tried to tell me a story
09:00just sort of demonstrating the dangers of not wearing a seatbelt.
09:03It didn't make any sense at all.
09:05He said, you know the band Def Leppard?
09:07I said, yeah.
09:08He goes, you know the drummer's only got one arm?
09:09I said, yeah.
09:10You know, we lost it.
09:11No.
09:12Car crash, wasn't it?
09:12Yeah, yeah.
09:13Thrown from the vehicle,
09:15ripped his arm right off,
09:16wasn't wearing a seatbelt,
09:18lost his arm, drummer.
09:19His girlfriend, she was in a passenger seat,
09:21she was wearing a seatbelt,
09:23killed instantly.
09:29So, like I say,
09:30doesn't make any sense.
09:31Right.
09:32OK, time for a bit of a song,
09:35I reckon, Royal Opera House.
09:37So.
09:39This is a four-string Appalachian blues guitar.
09:52And it has been cunningly fashioned from the Holy Bible.
09:57So, it makes a righteous sound.
10:01Two settings, Old Testament, New Testament.
10:10Long time ago,
10:12in a place not unlike this,
10:14I was feeling low,
10:17and I stared into the abyss,
10:19and I prayed to the Lord,
10:22but I'm a sinner,
10:25so I was not prioritised.
10:29A heavenly voice said,
10:31Your prayer is important to the Lord.
10:35We are currently experiencing a high volume of prayer.
10:39Some prayers are recorded for training purposes.
10:44You are currently eight millionth in a queue.
10:48Well, I was alone and confused,
10:50like a pangolin in space.
10:53And in my time of torment,
10:55help came from a different place.
11:02Well, I stood on the clifftop,
11:04I looked down at the sea,
11:06I heard the devil whisper,
11:08Are you looking for me?
11:11In that kind of generic American accent,
11:13that the devil sometimes speaks.
11:18You never get a West Country devil,
11:20did you?
11:20Hello there,
11:21are you Satan?
11:25No, you're not,
11:25I'm flippin' well,
11:26I am.
11:27What, the who's and everything?
11:28Shut up, all right.
11:32Deal out the card, son,
11:34and your soul will be released.
11:36But understand,
11:37if you lose this hand,
11:38your soul belongs to me.
11:40Deal out the card, son,
11:42and your soul will be released.
11:45Name your card game, son.
11:47I said,
11:47Happy Families.
11:50Well, the devil raised an eyebrow,
11:52he said,
11:52Prepare to meet thy maker.
11:54Well, I looked the devil in the eye,
11:56and played Mr. Bundabaker.
11:58Well, a crowd of demons laughed and shrieked,
12:01and the devil's fork got closer.
12:03The devil looked me right in the eye,
12:05and played Mr. Grits the grocer.
12:07Well, the devil started cacklin',
12:09and he'd be cacklin' yet,
12:11but the Prince of Lies had no reply
12:13to Mr. Fleeter there.
12:15Well, the devil hung his head that day,
12:17and my soul jumped for joy,
12:19cause the devil knew I still had in my hand
12:22Jones the Delivery Boy.
12:24I beat the devil on that day,
12:27I drank from life's sweet cup,
12:29because there ain't no Jones the Delivery Boy,
12:31I made the sucker up.
12:34I beat the devil,
12:37beat the devil,
12:39beat the devil.
12:54I'm just thinking I might use this.
12:57Like the old-style comics used to do a rimshot after a joke,
13:00you know?
13:00They do a joke, and they go,
13:02like that.
13:03This is more of a sort of a new-age rimshot,
13:06isn't it?
13:06I could do an old-style joke,
13:08I went for an innuendoscopy,
13:09he said,
13:09where do you want it?
13:10I said,
13:10wouldn't you light it on?
13:15Um, I know,
13:16just a brief word about comedy, though.
13:18I mean, it's very important.
13:19We need comedy, right?
13:20We need it, you know?
13:22It's important.
13:23Um, uh,
13:24we need comedy to fight back against the forces of racism,
13:27right?
13:28We need that.
13:29My weapon of choice is the limerick,
13:32much underused in the battle against racism.
13:34So, here we go,
13:36the fight back starts here.
13:37I once played a game of Yahtzee.
13:39Look, it's a tricky thing to rhyme,
13:41all right?
13:49I once played a game of Yahtzee
13:51with a man that was clearly a Nahtzee.
13:53He threw a four,
13:54then he walked out the door,
13:55because the black dots on the white dice annoyed him
13:57as it was black and white working together
13:58in a meaningful way.
14:06Yeah.
14:07Comedy's very important.
14:08Jokes are important.
14:08Jokes are historical.
14:09I mean, one of the great classics of jokes,
14:11the joke format,
14:12the knock-knock joke,
14:13is rooted in history.
14:15Anyone know where it comes from?
14:16You.
14:16Where does it come from?
14:17No?
14:18No one?
14:19No, no, no, no idea.
14:20Beg your pardon?
14:21The front door.
14:22The what, sorry?
14:23The front door?
14:26LAUGHTER
14:29LAUGHTER
14:31APPLAUSE
14:36No, I like it.
14:37It's a good answer,
14:38but, er...
14:39So what you're saying is,
14:41without the door,
14:42there would be no knock-knock jokes.
14:43Is that what you're saying?
14:44Yes.
14:44So really,
14:45what we're asking the question is,
14:46when were doors invented?
14:47That's really...
14:48Because surely,
14:50the knock-knock joke
14:51followed in pretty short order
14:52after that.
14:53Why have we invented a door?
14:54Wait a minute.
14:55I see an opportunity for hilarity.
14:57LAUGHTER
15:00Um, anyone else?
15:01The porter scene from Macbeth.
15:03Oh, now,
15:04that is very good knowledge.
15:05Excellent work, sir.
15:06Yes, the porter scene from Macbeth.
15:08The porter wakes up with a hangover,
15:10pretends to be the keeper
15:11of the gates of hell.
15:12We've all done it.
15:14And, er...
15:15He creates this scene
15:17where he goes,
15:18knock-knock,
15:18who's there in the name of Beelzebub?
15:21Here is a farmer
15:22who's hanged himself
15:23in expectation of plenty.
15:25It's not hilarious,
15:26but, er...
15:28Then again,
15:29a lot of Shakespearean jokes.
15:30Oh, really, are they?
15:31I went to town in a galliard,
15:33I came home in a caranto.
15:34Ha!
15:35Nothing.
15:36So...
15:38Taxi for Shakespeare,
15:39you know.
15:39It's, er...
15:41One year,
15:42we were opening some crackers
15:43and a knock-knock joke came out.
15:45My wife attempted to say it,
15:47but it went wrong somehow.
15:48She contrived to get it wrong.
15:49She picked up the little bit of paper
15:51with the joke on it.
15:52She looked at it.
15:52She said,
15:53Who's there?
15:59Whereupon the person
15:59she was telling the joke to
16:01said,
16:01Knock-knock?
16:07And then my wife said,
16:08Who?
16:13And to this day,
16:14that's one of the finest
16:15knock-knock jokes
16:16I've ever heard.
16:21You can't eat chicken in a onesie.
16:24Yeah, well, er...
16:26Now...
16:27Look at...
16:28What is this?
16:28Like, the medieval news?
16:30You go...
16:33Today, demons were driven
16:34from an agitated pig in Gloucester.
16:36So, anyone here in a relationship?
16:43Oh, seven or eight people.
16:45The rest of you,
16:46just singles looking for love.
16:50Is that right?
16:51Yeah.
16:52Wow, you thought
16:53we're going to a Bill Bailey gig.
16:54That's where, you know...
16:58Pick up someone.
17:00Yeah.
17:02Yes, okay.
17:04All right.
17:04Anyone know?
17:04What about you?
17:05Are you in a liaison?
17:08You know, with...
17:10Is it all fine?
17:11No, maybe this isn't
17:13the forum to discuss that,
17:14but, er...
17:16The thing is,
17:16my wife and I
17:18recently celebrated
17:1920 years of marriage,
17:20and so,
17:21what I thought I'd...
17:22And so,
17:23what I thought I'd do,
17:24I'd write a poem
17:25to commemorate
17:26this particular watershed
17:28in our relationship.
17:29It's called Love.
17:30This may ring a bell
17:31with you,
17:31or anyone,
17:32from, you know,
17:34whatever end of the
17:35sexual buffet
17:36you choose to graze.
17:38LAUGHTER
17:42Which, I can guarantee you
17:44that those words
17:45are the first time
17:45they've been uttered
17:46from this stage, right?
17:50Whichever,
17:51whichever end
17:52of the sexual buffet
17:53you choose to graze,
17:54you choose to graze,
17:55you choose to graze,
17:56you choose to graze,
17:57you choose to graze
17:59from the sexual buffet
18:00you choose to graze.
18:01Which is the end,
18:02which is the end,
18:03which is the end,
18:04oh, which is the end,
18:05which is the end
18:06of the sexual buffet
18:06you choose to graze.
18:09Something like that.
18:12Anyway.
18:14Here it is.
18:15It's called Love.
18:16Hey, you are my world.
18:18Yeah.
18:19Where do you put my keys?
18:20I don't have them.
18:22Yes, you've got them in your bag.
18:24No, definitely.
18:25Nope.
18:26Well, that's the only place they might be.
18:28What about the hook where they normally are?
18:30What?
18:30Have you looked there?
18:31No.
18:41All right, then.
18:43All right, then.
18:44Let's have a bit of class in proceedings.
18:46One of the great operatic arias, La Habanera,
18:50has this wonderful sort of mix of major and minor,
18:56you know, from Bizet's Carmen.
18:58When it goes from...
18:59..to the major, to the minor again.
19:02It's a beautiful demonstration of the fickle nature of love.
19:05I can't do it justice without an opera singer,
19:08so will you please welcome as a special treat
19:10the wonderful Florence Vorostovsky.
19:14APPLAUSE
19:55L'amour, l'amour, l'amour, l'amour...
20:08L'amour, l'amour est enfant de bohème
20:13Il n'a jamais, jamais cru de loi
20:17Si tu ne m'aimes pas, je t'aime
20:22Si je t'aime, prends garde à toi
20:27Si tu ne m'aimes pas, si tu ne m'aimes pas
20:32Je t'aime
20:34Mais si je t'aime, si tu ne m'aimes pas
20:42Prends garde à toi
20:54Ladies and gentlemen, Florence Wolostowski
21:05Thank you so much
21:06Florence Wolostowski there
21:09What a treat
21:11So, please, bring on the bells of opera
21:16So, please, bring on the bells of opera
21:57To be continued...
21:59I'm a little bit of a nostalgic tip.
22:25I'd like to delve into my past and sing you a song.
22:29From my youth, growing up in the West Country, one of my favorite songs at that time.
22:35This is Old MacDonald Had a Farm, but sung in the style of the blues man, Tom Waits.
22:58Old MacDonald, sick of the farm.
23:07One wants a new life, a new place to go, yes it does now.
23:16But if you strip away the consonants from a new direction, you're left with E-I, E-I-O.
23:41Well, MacDonald, trying to make it right with his kids, and should have done it a long time ago.
23:54They've all grown up and moved away now.
23:57Old MacDonald moved into banking, and they've avoided the agricultural sector.
24:05Suck out the vowels from reinvention, you get E-I, E-I-O.
24:19Oh, no more echoes on the farm, on the farm, on the farm, on the farm, on the farm.
24:27No more duck sounds in the air.
24:37There's a, there's a quack quack here.
24:45But there's no quack quack there.
24:54Drunk on the insurance money from torching the farm.
25:00Old MacDonald lies in a hospital bed next to a guy with a compass in his head.
25:12Sitting there looking at his leg infection, thinking about his old friend, his nemesis, E-I, E-I-O.
25:24Oh, no more.
25:39Comedy, it gets me around, you know.
25:41One of the sort of things I do when I'm on tour, as a hobby,
25:45I collect Google reviews of Poundland stores.
25:53Honestly, seriously, if you've got a spare minute, it's the gift that keeps on giving.
25:58It really is.
26:02It gives you a wonderful glimpse into the world of British society.
26:08Here are a few genuine reviews of Poundland stores in Britain.
26:12Five stars. Loads of stuff for a pound.
26:20Somebody felt the need to put that in there.
26:23Four stars. I stole from here.
26:29Three stars. Dirty baskets.
26:32I don't know whether they, that's a euphemism or something.
26:35Dirty, ooh, dirty baskets. I don't know.
26:39I love this one. Two stars. The staff were very common.
26:48My favourite, a one-star, one-word review, overpriced.
26:54I look for the little sort of glimmers of hope.
26:58And sometimes you find them, right?
27:00Someone has taken the trouble to set up a Twitter account in the name of Samuel Pepys,
27:05the 17th century London diarist, right?
27:08So the Twitter feed is just genuine extracts from Pepys' diary,
27:13which is a beautiful thing.
27:14But of course, this being Twitter, there's a lot of people that have never heard of Samuel Pepys,
27:18so they just think it's some old bloke talking in a weird way.
27:23So you get these fantastic exchanges, like this one.
27:25This is an entry from 1665.
27:28I was mightily troubled with a looseness, right?
27:36And feeling for the chamber pot, there was none.
27:40I, having called the maid up out of her bed, she had forgot, I suppose, to put one there,
27:44so I was forced, in this strange house, to rise and shit in the chimney twice.
28:04And somebody's replied, been there, bruv, been there.
28:18So if you know anybody called Adam Hodgson, don't let them stay in your spare room.
28:22That's my advice.
28:28Suddenly, I find myself, you know, pictures in the table,
28:31all Bill Bailey, what he's wearing, what he's doing,
28:33and you become a commodity.
28:35And, you know, things that you do and say and wear are worth money,
28:38sometimes a lot of money.
28:39You know, video footage, sort of intemperate comments,
28:43suddenly they're in the tabloids.
28:45And this came to a head quite dramatically
28:48when I received a message via Twitter from someone unknown to me.
28:53And he said, Bill, I just thought I'd warn you,
28:55here are some screenshots of emails I've sent to the Sun newspaper.
28:59And I was like, immediately my heart starts going like this.
29:01I was like, oh my God, what have I done?
29:03Have I misidentified a hawking off?
29:06And...
29:09So then, the first email, right, this is all true.
29:12It said, dear the Sun newspaper,
29:15I have some compromising video footage of Bill Bailey.
29:18Would you be interested?
29:20Right?
29:20So the Sun came back in short order.
29:22Yes, we would.
29:22What is the nature of this video footage?
29:25Right?
29:25And this is what he wrote.
29:26He said, I was walking in the countryside
29:29and I heard a commotion in a nearby field.
29:31I looked through the hedge
29:32and there was TV's Bill Bailey
29:35trying to get on the back of a llama.
29:37Right?
29:40He was clearly intoxicated.
29:42He was swinging from a bottle of Jack Daniels.
29:44When he saw me, he became abusive
29:46and shouting an Apache war cry
29:49chased me across the field.
29:51Would you be interested in this footage?
29:53And they came back and said, yes,
29:54we'd be very interested in the footage.
29:55And he said, how much were you prepared to pay?
29:58And they came back straight away,
29:59the opening bid, £20,000.
30:02Right?
30:03So the bloke messaged me and he said,
30:04do you fancy doing it and we'll split the money?
30:19I mean, it's tempting, right?
30:22Keep your eyes peeled on YouTube.
30:24That's what I'm saying.
30:34One of the great things about this job is you get to travel.
30:37You know, you get an idea about a place.
30:38You get a sense of a place.
30:40Sometimes from just your first arrival in the airport or whatever.
30:44Australia, a very friendly place.
30:45Australia is a very friendly country once you're in.
30:49But getting into Australia can be a little problematic.
30:52You know, they're very, very strict customs.
30:54Incredibly strict.
30:55They ask you loads and loads of questions.
30:56They're quite brusque.
30:58When I arrived in Melbourne once,
30:59this bloke looked at me and he goes, right.
31:01He goes, have you got tuberculosis?
31:05Straight out of the traps.
31:06You know, you feel nervous.
31:07Well, I've got a bit of a tickle.
31:08I've got a bit of a tickle.
31:10And then they're obsessed with farm.
31:12You been on a farm recently?
31:13Do you know any farmers?
31:14Have you fallen asleep under a horse
31:16and the horse has drooled into your eye?
31:22You ever kissed anyone you weren't in a relationship with?
31:24You ever fallen in love with someone you shouldn't have?
31:27Have you ever fallen for someone so hard
31:29that you'd walk through fire for them,
31:31but then they go to Thailand with a fitness instructor
31:34and your heart freezes
31:35and the slightest touch is shattering into a million pieces?
31:37No, welcome to Australia.
31:43Some places are very friendly.
31:46Sweden.
31:46That's a very friendly place.
31:48Actually, almost too friendly.
31:49They're like ridiculously friendly.
31:51Like, hey, okay.
31:52Like, alright, back off.
31:55This one guy said to me, he goes,
31:57okay, you come to Sweden, yeah?
31:58Yeah, okay.
31:59I goes, okay, one more question
32:02and you can come into Sweden.
32:05Okay.
32:07Hope you get it right.
32:08So,
32:10have you said anything mean about anybody in the last month?
32:13No?
32:13Okay.
32:14Welcome to Sweden.
32:18South Africa, a little bit different.
32:20I think I might, I just think I've got,
32:22I've got some, a bloke having a bad day.
32:25I was in Cape Town Airport and I was going through and the bloke said,
32:28what's in the bag?
32:29And I went, uh, oh, it's duty free.
32:31Oh, duty free, eh?
32:33Duty free?
32:35Uh, yeah.
32:36It's duty free.
32:37Oh, right.
32:37What's that then?
32:38Uh, Toblerone.
32:40Toblerone, eh?
32:41You think you can bring Toblerone in, yeah?
32:44Uh, uh, yeah.
32:45What's wrong with that?
32:46It can be used as a weapon.
32:48No, it can't.
32:48Yeah.
32:49You put it in the freezer,
32:50you get it nice and hard,
32:52you whittle away with a sharp knife
32:53and then you gather David to a stale baguette,
32:55you have a formidable weapon.
32:57You're just a nutter.
33:04People are obsessed with this country, aren't they?
33:06They're obsessed with Britain.
33:07We love a bit of mischievousness.
33:08We love to deliberately spike something,
33:11make it go wrong.
33:12Oh, oh, oh, whoops-a-daisy.
33:13I was having dinner in France with three Brits.
33:16A waiter dropped a full tray of drinks.
33:18Gah-choo, like that.
33:19No one batted an eyelid.
33:21The four Brits, to a man, simultaneously.
33:24Hey!
33:26Loser!
33:27Back to see you!
33:32I was on a train, right?
33:33In Britain, right, we stopped,
33:35made an unscheduled stop in a cutting, right?
33:37There was a smell of smoke in the carriage
33:39and everyone was like,
33:40what's that?
33:40An announcement came on,
33:42I apologise for the delay,
33:43there appears to be a slight technical problem,
33:46we'll get that sorted out as soon as we can.
33:48And he then,
33:48he forgot to turn the microphone off,
33:50so then we heard this,
33:51Gary, it's on fire,
33:52what are we going to do?
33:57The whole carriage just,
34:00cheered,
34:00hey!
34:01We're on the fire!
34:03Woo-hoo!
34:05People texting their friends,
34:06we're on fire, lol,
34:07on a train, fire emoji.
34:09Ha-ha!
34:12These German people go,
34:13we must evacuate the train,
34:15and all the Brits are congering up the corridor,
34:17we're on fire!
34:19Woo-hoo!
34:26One of the most chaotic but beautiful places I've been to is Indonesia.
34:32Indonesia, a place of great beauty, wonderful people,
34:34a place where the normal rules don't apply though.
34:37I mean,
34:37it's a place where chaos reigns.
34:39It's the only,
34:40I mean,
34:40things happen there that just don't happen anywhere in the world.
34:43I was booked on a,
34:44a domestic flight within Indonesia,
34:46and I got to the airport,
34:47and the,
34:47the flight had left early,
34:50right?
34:50Now,
34:54I can't tell you how much that blew my mind,
34:58right?
34:59What?
35:00And he went,
35:00yeah, yeah, yeah,
35:01they got most of the passengers on,
35:02and the weather was good,
35:03so they thought they'd all get ahead of themselves.
35:10I got on a little inter-island hopper plane once in Indonesia.
35:14The safety chat was a thing of beauty.
35:15The pilot was fiddling around in the cockpit,
35:17and then he turned around like that,
35:19and seemed genuinely surprised to see passengers.
35:26And then he just went,
35:28all right,
35:28like that.
35:30What are we going to do?
35:31Okay,
35:32you're on the bus.
35:35I was there to make a documentary.
35:39We were trying to film the dance of the red bird of paradise.
35:44One, this extraordinary bird.
35:46It,
35:46it dwells in the,
35:47in the deep jungles of eastern Indonesia.
35:50Very few people have even seen it.
35:51And it performs this extraordinary dance.
35:54It's a preposterously plumed bird,
35:56right?
35:56It's wires and feathers and plumage.
35:58It's got a look on its face that says,
36:01I should be extinct, right?
36:02I mean,
36:03it just,
36:04it seems bemused by its own longevity.
36:07And,
36:08every morning,
36:09at dawn,
36:10in the deep jungle,
36:11at the top of the jungle canopy,
36:13120 feet up,
36:14it performs an elaborate dance to get a mate,
36:18right?
36:18Every morning,
36:19at dawn.
36:20Can you imagine,
36:21fellas?
36:21Every morning,
36:22having to get up,
36:23oh, for goodness,
36:24here we go.
36:26Oh,
36:41He's,
36:52I can't imagine.
36:54I can't imagine it is some great dance.
36:58Like that, every morning.
37:05Yeah.
37:08Thing is, right, I didn't get to see it.
37:11Because you have to be pulled up in a harness, 120 feet up, to see this dance.
37:15There was no way I'm getting in this harness because I had, well, not to put too fine a
37:20point in it, I was much troubled with the looseness.
37:30So the thought of being hoisted 120 feet up in a harness above my friends and family.
37:40Let us never speak of this again.
37:44But when I'm in a country, I like to be able to speak a bit of the language, you know.
37:47So I bought a little phrase book, an Indonesian phrase book called Practical Dialogues.
37:52But I've got to tell you, these are not practical in any way.
37:58Or not even dialogues, a lot of them.
38:00It just feels like you're in some weird, kind of, sort of, almost like a Brechtian, sort
38:05of parallel universe.
38:06The conversation seemed loaded with something else.
38:09This one just says, I need some fresh fruit.
38:11But it seems, there's something else, there's a subtext going on.
38:15I need some fresh fruit.
38:16Fruit, you seem to like fruit.
38:20I like fruit very much.
38:22What kind of fruit do you like?
38:23Apples.
38:23What about bananas?
38:25Yes.
38:28Some of them feel like you're in a psychodrama.
38:31Tell me why you didn't say hello to Lucy yesterday.
38:35Because I didn't want to.
38:37What's going on?
38:38Nothing.
38:39Did she annoy you?
38:40No.
38:40You are hiding something.
38:44I just came in for toothpaste.
38:48This one's called, It Burns.
38:51Right?
38:52What does fire do?
38:54It burns.
38:55What catches fire?
38:57Paper, hair, cotton.
39:01What is a fire alarm?
39:03An apparatus for making know the outbreak of fire.
39:05Is fire destructive?
39:06When fire is angry, it can destroy.
39:12Okay, cheers.
39:14This is perhaps my favourite.
39:16What is yoga?
39:18There's no preamble like, are you into fitness?
39:20Do you like fitness?
39:22No, just that.
39:23What is yoga?
39:25Imagine you're sitting on a plane and the person sitting next to you just turns to you randomly
39:29and just says, what is yoga?
39:32You'd be pushing a button, wouldn't you?
39:34Like, ding, ding, ding, ding, help, there's a nutter.
39:37And, but in this world, people are very obliging.
39:40What is yoga?
39:41It is a Hindu system of meditation and self-control.
39:44What is it intended for?
39:46To produce mystical experience and the union of the individual soul with the universal spirit.
39:50Is your sister still in India?
39:59It makes no sense.
40:00Right.
40:01So when, so when I'm playing music, right, I like to play it in the minor key.
40:06The minor key, more powerful than the major key.
40:09The major key, too eager to please.
40:11Like me, like me, like me, like me.
40:13I'm the major key.
40:14No, back off.
40:16Right?
40:17The minor key, much more evocative.
40:21Some of the world's greatest music written in the minor key.
40:23Fury Leaser, A minor.
40:27In the major key, not so much.
40:42Now, I mean, it just sounds like a Bavarian-looking song.
40:47Now, you know, songs that are upbeat in their lyric tend to be accompanied by a major key,
40:54like, you are my sunshine, my only sunshine.
40:59No, I want to hear it in the minor key, sung with contempt.
41:02You make me happy when skies are grey.
41:07You never know, dear, how much I love you.
41:14Now, I know what you're thinking.
41:16Why don't you sing it in German, Bill?
41:17All right, then.
41:26Everybody, join it.
41:28You make me happy when the sky is grey.
41:37You will never know how I love you.
41:41You make me happy when the sky is grey.
41:45Kaboom!
41:47Aus der Zeitung.
41:48Oh, we have some German speakers in there.
41:50Bisschen Deutsch, huh?
41:53Wow.
41:54Way more German than I thought.
41:57What a reaction to that.
41:58I should have been doing it in German from the beginning.
42:02All right, then.
42:02I'm going to do that.
42:03I'm going to start the show again and see how far I get.
42:06So, here we go.
42:07Let's German it up a bit.
42:08Willkommen, Bill Bailey.
42:19Jawohl, willkommen.
42:21Ich heiße Bill Bailey.
42:23Ich habe ein Wunderbind.
42:26Ja.
42:35Und ein Brechtminister Randomization.
42:38Spondylus.
42:39Oh.
42:40Äh.
42:43Ja.
42:44Äh.
42:45Ich für eine Induendoskopie haben gehen, Mergen.
42:50Es sagt, wo willst du es?
42:52Ja, wo du bist, das...
42:55So.
42:58Ich habe ein Termin, ja?
43:00Ja.
43:00Man kann mit dem Kopf spielen, ja?
43:04Mit dem Kopf.
43:06Ich habe ein bisschen Musikerkomödie.
43:10Oh, hey.
43:11Wuppla.
43:13Ja.
43:19Was ist Yoga?
43:26Das rotes Paradieswögel.
43:29Das wohnt auf dem Kopf von der Jungelbaum.
43:34Und, äh, und, und, und jedes Morgens, Herr Wögel macht ein Spezial-Sex-Tanz.
43:45So.
43:49Treffen mit, äh, Fräulein Wögel.
43:51Oh, Herr Wögel, du hast einen Sex-Tanz gemacht.
43:55Ja.
43:55Ich will einen Sex-Tanz-Märgen, ja.
43:58Hier, komm her.
44:00Oh, ja.
44:02Oh, ja.
44:05Eins, zwei, drei.
44:09Eins, zwei, eins, zwei, eins, zwei, drei, vier.
44:12Was ist die Bögel?
44:14Was ist die Bögel?
44:14Sechst, die Bögel, sechst, die Bögel.
44:17Auf dem Jungelbaum.
44:19Was ist die Bögel?
44:20Was ist die Bögel?
44:22Sechst, die Bögel.
44:24Was ist die Bögel?
44:25Hatsch!
44:35Aber man muss in eine Schlinge gehoben, zu ziehen, zu ziehen, zu ziehen, der Tanz.
44:40Und ich kann nicht in die Schlinge gehen.
44:42Ich habe ein Problem mit meinem Arsch.
44:50Mein Arsch und Wacker ist kaputt.
44:55Right, das ist enough of that.
44:57Okay, right.
44:59So.
45:03Now, the American National Anthem, very bold, very stirring music.
45:10You know, it's kind of like, gives you very stirring feelings of pride and nationalism.
45:15But if you play it in a minor key, it changes it completely.
45:22It makes it sound a bit Russian.
45:26So, I'm just, hashtag, just saying, right?
45:32I love America, though.
45:33I'd love to be in one of those great big American kind of action franchises.
45:39I love Jason Bourne as well, my favourite action hero.
45:43Ah, he's fantastic.
45:44None of Bond's silly gadgets.
45:46Bourne, he improvises, doesn't he?
45:47You're coming in with a knife, you stick a pen through your hand.
45:50You try and attack him, he'll put a hole punch through the fleshy part of your upper arm.
45:54Ooh, that's got a sting.
45:56Stationery, that's his weapon of choice.
45:58You corner him in a Ryman's, you've got no chance.
46:02He's laminated my hand, ah!
46:07Staple your eyebrows to the back of your neck.
46:09He's a demon.
46:11Jason Statham.
46:11Ah, he's another one.
46:13I love Jason Statham.
46:13The way he moves.
46:15He always moves in one plane.
46:16He just moves side to side, like that.
46:18He comes out of a building, he comes out sideways, flips around, and then he moves like that.
46:21Come on, you want a teaser, you want a teaser?
46:23You know, he's got a bit of crab DNA in him, I reckon.
46:28I was doing a show once in L.A., and this producer came to see me after the show, and
46:32he was very sort of, you know, complimentary.
46:34He said, great show.
46:35He said, let's meet and discuss projects.
46:36I was like, okay.
46:37I said, let's not blow it, Bill.
46:39Come on, you know, just try not to be English and mischievous about this.
46:44Try and play it straight, you know.
46:46But it didn't go very well, because we went for lunch, and he said, great show.
46:50He said, look, I don't want to blow smoke up your ass.
46:52And I said, I was nervous.
46:53I went, oh, thank goodness for that.
46:56That sounds disgusting.
46:59But being American, he took me literally.
47:01He went, no, I'm not going to do that.
47:02It is not, it's just an expression to say that I do not, when I was like, oh, for God's
47:07sake.
47:07Yes, I know what it, oh, Christ, I know what it means.
47:10And then I just got annoyed and mischievous, and I just prayed it straight back.
47:14I said, yeah, it'd be very difficult to do, wouldn't it?
47:16I'd have to stand on a chair or a table or a raised print and then remove my trousers and
47:22pants.
47:23But you wouldn't actually be able to blow the smoke up my ass, because the sphincter is a very, very
47:27tight muscle.
47:27The smoke would just sort of diffuse on the buttocks.
47:30You'd probably have to get a pipe up there or maybe a funnel, work that in, and then waft the
47:35smoke up with a menu or something to hand.
47:38And that way, you would achieve ingress of smoke into the rectal area.
47:42And I never saw him again after that.
47:44That was it, really.
47:52So...
47:55It's a true story, actually.
47:56The original director of Lord of the Rings was not Peter Jackson.
48:01It was actually Quentin Tarantino.
48:02And I would love to have seen that, just for the opening sequence, sir.
48:09Freeze frame.
48:10Bruce Willis as Frodo.
48:15Dwayne the Rock Johnson as the Balrog.
48:21Samuel L. Jackson as Gandalf.
48:25Somebody get this, mother ox out of this goddamn mother.
48:29Mother.
48:30Get.
48:31Mother.
48:32All right.
48:38Mordor.
48:42Well, any metal fans in?
48:45Right.
48:47Just for the avoidance of doubt, that is the genre of music, not the substance.
48:52Some of you are going, brass.
48:54I like brass, actually, yes.
48:56And then somebody going, I think you'll find that's an alloy.
48:58So, uh...
49:01No, your audience, Bill.
49:05I love metal, right?
49:06If I was allowed to at home, I'd have amplifiers in every room in my house,
49:11connected wirelessly to my guitar.
49:13And I'd just walk around the house, playing metal around the house.
49:15Walking in the lounge.
49:19Walking through to the kitchen.
49:23Do you want some breakfast?
49:26Yes, I do.
49:27What do you want?
49:30Cornblakes.
49:36What kind of milk to me skim?
49:39Pour another milk.
49:41Blak, blak, blak, blak, blak, blak, blak.
49:42Yum, yum, yum.
49:43Yum, yum, yum, yum, yum.
49:44Yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum.
49:45Finished.
49:46Putting my bowl in the dishwasher.ugar.
49:53Bing,
49:54bong. Someone at
49:55the door. I'll
49:57go walking down the hall. Walking down
50:00the hall. Walking down
50:01the hall. Walking down
50:01the hall through the door.
50:03Who will it be?
50:05I don't know, I don't know
50:06All of the wings and sea
50:08It's a mystery
50:13Opening the door
50:16Oh, it's Jehovah's Witnesses
50:22I got this
50:26I've given my life to the life of Satan
50:32The Dark Lord dwells in my eyes
50:35Beelzebub
50:37They've gone
50:41Thank you very much, roll up a house
50:44All right then, let us pray upon the horns
50:47The tuned Alpine cow horns
50:51Hear them
50:52Thank you, chaps
50:53Here we go
51:07Thank you
51:08Thank you
51:09Dear Lord
51:09Thank you
52:24All right then.
52:30So are there any Irish people in?
52:33There's always a few.
52:37So I'd like to send you out into the balmy Covent Garden air with a little Irish reel.
53:00Let's take a breather.
53:19In your face, Ed Sheeran.
54:54Thank you very much.
54:56Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.
54:58Thanks for coming.
54:59Give it a great crowd.
55:01And you're ready to make.
55:03Give it a great crowd.
55:32Give it a great crowd.
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