- 11 hours ago
Mock the Week S22E09
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:05Hello, I'm comedy legend Daryl O'Brien and you're watching a very special edition of
00:11Back From The Dead TV Phenomenon, Mock The Week. Our return has been literally all anyone
00:15has been talking about so far in 2026, so sit back and enjoy some of our finest moments
00:20as well as some of his new material. That **** set up, didn't I?
00:23Ah!
00:30Wow.
00:33Oh, ho, ho, ho.
00:37Read about the things that happen throughout the world
00:43Don't believe in everything you see or hear
00:48Read all about it
00:51Read all about it
00:54News of the world
00:55News of the world
00:57Read all about it
01:00Read all about it
01:03News of the world
01:04News of the world
01:08Hello, I'm comedy legend Daryl O'Brien and you're watching a very special edition of
01:12Back From The Dead TV Phenomenon, Mock The Week. Our return has literally been
01:17all anyone's been talking about in 2026, so sit back and enjoy some of our finest moments as well as
01:22some new material and some outtakes. We'll be back with series two in the autumn. See you then.
01:29The people who have just arrived, you are sat next to my mum and dad, so if you could not
01:35openly slag me off during the recording, really helped me quite a lot. Hi guys!
01:41Were you talking to your mum and dad then?
01:43Yeah!
01:45We start now with a round called if this is the answer, what is the question? On the board are
01:49six categories. Russell, which category would you like?
01:52Um, world news please, Dara. OK, the topic is world news. The answer is 700 billion. What is the question?
01:59Is it how many careers has Brooklyn Beckham tried?
02:05Is it how much are TLC paying Dara to do this?
02:11It's how much Dara asked for from TLC for settling on £50 a week and a chance to meet the
02:17cast of Milf Manor.
02:26Is it how much would you have to pay me to watch my parents make love?
02:31But there is a number.
02:34So now we can negotiate.
02:37Can I just say, given the context, I'm so glad our hair didn't do that joke.
02:44Is it what do our ratings have to be before someone at the BBC admits they made a mistake?
02:55Is it how many times have I forgotten to finish the do you have ADHD test?
03:02Is it how many messages have there been in the female comedian's WhatsApp group since the David Walliam stuff came
03:07out?
03:09Is it how far down the channel list is TLC?
03:18We salute you, those of you who set off an hour ago, no, no, no.
03:24Is it the age of consent for a galaxy?
03:29Is it according to HMRC, how much money is just too difficult to tact?
03:36LAUGHTER
03:39No, that wasn't, that wasn't. I thought it was very satirical.
03:43People are like, wow, that's a relatable context.
03:45No, no.
03:48None of those are the correct answer. Can somebody give me the correct answer?
03:51If this is the first episode of Mock the Week on TLC, what episode is it on Dave?
03:58LAUGHTER
03:59Does any of the correct answer?
04:00Is it how much would Greenland actually cost the USA were they to buy it?
04:05Thank you very much, Hugh.
04:07LAUGHTER
04:08LAUGHTER
04:12It's the chair, it's just the chair.
04:14Total force of having their hats there.
04:17Before we go on, can we just say, look, generally, hello, it's lovely to be back.
04:21I hope you're well and it's a delight to be here.
04:24Thank you very much for coming in, joining us here at the end.
04:27APPLAUSE
04:31Oh, that was it, that was the whole welcome back thing.
04:33OK, I can do more welcome back if you want.
04:35No, no, no.
04:35I just wanted to say I feel a bit bad for the viewers, because when they brought back Gladiators,
04:39they had fit, young, sexy new ones.
04:41They didn't bring out the old ones again.
04:45LAUGHTER
04:48They'd be like, oh, who's on Mock the Week?
04:49I was just saying, oh, guys!
04:53OK, here we go.
04:54The first subject is...
04:56Unlikely lines from a blockbuster movie.
04:58Every time I think I'm out, they pull me back in.
05:02Sundays, 9 o'clock on TLC.
05:09Why must we take it and drop it into the fires of Mount Doom?
05:12Because you took more than two seconds to answer the door and that's our policy here at DPD.
05:17LAUGHTER
05:21Simba, I have brought you a sandwich.
05:25Tuna, tomato.
05:28LAUGHTER
05:34I'm just a girl standing in front of a boy, asking him to notice that my hair is a completely
05:39different f***ing colour today.
05:41LAUGHTER
05:43We're sending you to the Caribbean, Bond. We need you to befriend a nonce.
05:48LAUGHTER
05:53Finally we meet, Bond.
05:55I just need to finish my interpretive dance and I'll be back with you.
05:59LAUGHTER
06:05If you only watch one movie this year, watch F1. The gripping story of a function key on a computer
06:11keyboard.
06:13LAUGHTER
06:16APPLAUSE
06:16The next round is called audience question time.
06:20We throw those open to the studio audience and invite them to ask us questions on any topic.
06:24Is there an Ed here?
06:26There's Ed there, absolutely in that row there.
06:28Do you have a question for us?
06:30No.
06:32If you want, Ed, I can give you more of a build-up to it.
06:35On the count of three, Ed.
06:37Three, two, one.
06:39Dara, do you think you have any celebrity look-alikes?
06:42Oh, do I? Or does anyone else?
06:44Do you have any celebrity look-alikes?
06:46Anyone who's 50 and bald and I'm trying to say, I mean, like the Mitchell brothers.
06:51The one thing I'm not short of is look-alikes.
06:53No-one else trades on look-alikes in the same way that I do.
06:55No, Minions guy.
06:56The Minions guy.
06:58Megabuzz guy.
07:01I've got a celebrity look-alike, but, like, obviously I appreciate that, like, I can say it.
07:07Do you know what I mean? If you said it would be weird.
07:09But I can say Idris Elba.
07:14You're right. It would be...
07:18I wouldn't like to come across as racist by denying that.
07:22I don't get many celebrity look-alikes but I did get someone on Twitter
07:25who once told me I look like Ron Weasley's mum after a couple of bad divorces.
07:29LAUGHTER
07:31It has been said that I look like a cross between Gerard Depardieu
07:35and Orinoco the Womble.
07:37LAUGHTER
07:40What about the time you were mistaken for Al Murray?
07:42Oh, that's the best!
07:43A man...
07:44I was walking along the street and a man walked and said,
07:48Hello, Al Murray.
07:50And I said, I'm not Al Murray.
07:52And he went, Oh, sorry.
07:54Hello, Poblando.
07:57LAUGHTER
07:59APPLAUSE
08:00The next round is called Between the Lines.
08:03It features Hugh and Rhys.
08:04Would you make your way to the press pit, please?
08:06Rhys will deliver a speech in the guise of a leading figure in the world stage
08:09while Hugh will translate what it really means.
08:11This week, Rhys is Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor.
08:15LAUGHTER
08:17Are you f***ing kidding me?
08:19You told me I was going to be Cristiano Ronaldo.
08:22LAUGHTER
08:24Hello, it's me.
08:26Mr Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor.
08:31LAUGHTER
08:34What happened?
08:37LAUGHTER
08:38I am currently facing some personal challenges.
08:41And that is putting it f***ing mildly.
08:44LAUGHTER
08:45Things are starting to get serious for me.
08:48I've suddenly realised I do sweat.
08:51LAUGHTER
08:52I realise now I should have kept better company.
08:55Marrying Fergie was a terrible idea.
08:58LAUGHTER
08:59I'm getting a lot of criticism, but remember all the good things I've done.
09:06LAUGHTER
09:14When I was a royal, I used to work like a dog.
09:17I spent my time on all fours, panting a lot.
09:21LAUGHTER
09:22It's been incredibly exhausting, moving house.
09:25You would not believe how hard it is to bubble wrap a horse.
09:30LAUGHTER
09:36If you accuse me, I will defend myself robustly.
09:39I will give you £12 million to shut the f*** up.
09:43LAUGHTER
09:44These claims about me and Epstein are ancient history.
09:47Some of them are over 17 years old.
09:51LAUGHTER
10:03Thank you very much, Rhys and you!
10:06APPLAUSE
10:08It's Operation Epic Fury.
10:11Yeah, Epic Fury, isn't it?
10:12So American, isn't it?
10:13Might as well call it Operation Kaboom.
10:16LAUGHTER
10:16What they should be calling it is Operation Distract Everyone from the Epstein files for a bit.
10:22Oh, shit, I've started a rally.
10:25You think it was good calling it Operation Epic Fury when Operation Muller Cornered was right there?
10:31LAUGHTER
10:35It's not the most FIFA Peace Prize thing he's done.
10:39LAUGHTER
10:40I will say that while that's maybe not the most important thing in some ways, it is quite the most
10:45striking thing that he's the first person to ever host a World Cup and bomb one of the participants in
10:50the building.
10:52There are a lot of clever people out there. I mean, you remember Saddam Hussein, he had a degree in
10:57chemistry and combined in humanities.
10:59LAUGHTER
11:01LAUGHTER
11:01Where is the...
11:04This is the...
11:06I just...
11:06I love that you just move on.
11:10LAUGHTER
11:10Never dignify Milton with response, you just turn away.
11:15I think the timing of it is, it gives it its time and then we move on.
11:19That's absolutely what we should do.
11:20This is the Situation Room from which this was launched.
11:23Where is this top-secret, secure room?
11:26Is it at a wedding venue? It looks like they've just cornered off a bit of a wedding venue.
11:29It's very much at a wedding venue.
11:31It's got all the security of a mum holding a towel in front of you at the beach.
11:35LAUGHTER
11:37What's happening? Are they saying, please stop talking about the war?
11:40Yeah, sort of.
11:42Can I remind you that you asked us?
11:45Moving on.
11:46What have shop-difters in the UK been targeting?
11:49Chocolate bar.
11:51Apparently there was one man who was found with a coat stuffed full with Cadbury's cream eggs.
11:57And, reader, I married him.
11:59LAUGHTER
12:01Chocolate bars have become the thing to steal now.
12:03There are lots of high-value chocolates out there.
12:06Freddo's a 45p now.
12:08Fuck off!
12:08Yeah, that's the real chocolate crime.
12:1145p for Freddo.
12:12I can't believe people are stealing chocolate.
12:15Maybe they should put a bounty on their head.
12:18LAUGHTER
12:20APPLAUSE
12:24I can't believe you...
12:25You can edit that out of your mouth.
12:27I can't believe you didn't believe in that, which is clearly the best joke of the entire show.
12:31LAUGHTER
12:32I did read the story about the guy who was caught with a coat full of cream eggs and all
12:37I could think is, obviously I don't condone violence, but imagine if they'd shot him.
12:45Oh!
12:46Oh, it's white and yellow!
12:49White and yellow!
12:50This guy appears to have cum everywhere.
12:54LAUGHTER
12:57Like in a movie going, you made me cum my own cum.
13:02LAUGHTER
13:04I'm washing my hands and I'm washing my hands, but the fondant won't come off.
13:08LAUGHTER
13:10Is that better? Is that more they wanted?
13:12LAUGHTER
13:14We can go back to the movie.
13:16Insensitivity about the war or cum jokes about cream eggs.
13:19LAUGHTER
13:21We only have two tones here.
13:24Supermarkets are too accusatory anyway, man.
13:26Whenever you're at the self-checkout, it says, have you swiped your nectar card?
13:29It's like, no, I signed up for it fair and square.
13:31LAUGHTER
13:32They said that they're being stolen to order, right?
13:36And I just think, well, surely everything's stolen because someone wants it.
13:40Who's going, that looks shit, I'll have it.
13:43LAUGHTER
13:44TLC.
13:46LAUGHTER
13:51Join us after the rake for more Mock The Week.
14:02Now we play a round called You Think That's Bad?
14:06In a world where everything seems to be going wrong, this is a chance for our performers to compete,
14:10to outdo each other with tales of woe from their lives and I decide whose is the worst.
14:14Anyone care to start us off?
14:15A few months ago, me and my wife found what is clearly a lady's watch in our house and neither
14:22of us has any idea who owns it.
14:25And we have phoned people, we've asked everybody, the babysitter, the babysitter's daughter,
14:31we cannot figure out who owns this watch.
14:34And my wife is not even vaguely suspicious.
14:39LAUGHTER
14:45I love the idea that she could find some, like, ladies' underwear and her first thought would be,
14:49have you started wearing ladies' underwear?
14:51LAUGHTER
14:52Oh, no, the ghost is back that keeps shedding stuff.
14:56The Victorian lady ghost who keeps leaving underwear and used condoms for our house.
15:02Oh, we have to get a priest in to bless the house and get rid of the weird lady ghost.
15:08You think that's bad? I just bought an island for what I thought was an absolutely bargain price
15:12until I found out I used to own it, so...
15:14LAUGHTER
15:16If you think that's bad, I once got cast to play a sex worker in a movie
15:19and I got paid less than an actual sex worker.
15:22LAUGHTER
15:24I did it.
15:25You think that's bad, I grew up in the north-east of England
15:27and I once heard someone call into a talk radio show
15:30and start their comment with,
15:31I am racist, but...
15:34LAUGHTER
15:36If you think that's bad, I had a C-section at a teaching hospital
15:39and if you don't know, when you have a C-section, you're awake,
15:42so I heard everything and at one point I heard the senior doctor say to the junior doctor,
15:46hmm, now what I would have done differently there...
15:50LAUGHTER
15:51You think that's bad?
15:53When I had my baby afterwards, I heard the doctor say,
15:55where does that bit go?
15:58LAUGHTER
16:01Just... They're just fucking with you!
16:03Actually, and when I had another baby, I heard them say...
16:07I had a Caesarean afterwards, they were sewing me up and they went,
16:09you know, time to clean the gutters now.
16:12LAUGHTER
16:13Look at the gutters!
16:15There's a reason to clean, I guess, huh?
16:17Yeah. I think that's bad.
16:20Um...
16:20LAUGHTER
16:24Tell us, Ed, tell us!
16:27Like, raise the bar from that day!
16:30Now, um, we've actually got a French exchange student in our house at the moment
16:34and I've not met them.
16:36Because I...
16:37I never got round to getting a criminal background check, right?
16:41Which is fine, except that my wife said to me,
16:44in front of a neighbour, without context,
16:46don't forget the French exchange student's arriving tomorrow,
16:49you're not allowed to be alone with them.
16:51LAUGHTER
16:53LAUGHTER
16:56Sorry, so your wife doesn't suspect you have an affair with an adult woman?
17:00LAUGHTER
17:01She is worried about a French teenager.
17:05Our next round is the Quick Quiz.
17:07I'll ask the panellists a series of quick-fire questions
17:09about someone or something from the news.
17:11This week, to commemorate Prime Minister Keir Starmer's historic visit
17:14to the country, let's see how much you all know about China.
17:17OK? Our first question is...
17:20China owns all the what in the world?
17:23Is it Covid?
17:25LAUGHTER
17:27Is it phone chargers that catch fire while you sleep?
17:30LAUGHTER
17:31It is not that, no.
17:33Is it like the royal family owning swans?
17:36Like, they own all the pandas?
17:38They own all the pandas, you're absolutely right.
17:40It's all there in black and white.
17:42LAUGHTER
17:43Oh, that's lovely.
17:46As a vegan, I don't think you can actually own animals,
17:49and I will not pander to them!
17:52LAUGHTER
17:55How did Wenzu in China attempt to boost visitor numbers?
17:59Oh, teaching the pandas to give handjobs.
18:02LAUGHTER
18:04Letting the punters give handjobs to the pandas?
18:07Nothing involving...
18:08Tell me it involved pandas and handjobs.
18:11It involved panjobs.
18:13LAUGHTER
18:14For those of us who were too busy to put us all to say all the words in the sentence...
18:19Er...
18:19No Cage Fridays?
18:21LAUGHTER
18:24Instead, they dyed dogs, black and white, to look like pandas!
18:29Oh, wow!
18:32My thing is, who would be fooled by that?
18:34Which parent would take their children and go,
18:36no, they're pandas?
18:36That's clearly not pandas.
18:38Surely it's game over when they start barking!
18:40LAUGHTER
18:42We shouldn't slag this off.
18:43At London Zoo, our meerkats are just rats in trench coats.
18:47LAUGHTER
18:48Did you know that all the meerkats in the world are actually owned by an insurance company?
18:52LAUGHTER
18:54OK, what holds parts of the Great Wall of China together?
18:57Sticky rice!
18:58Yes!
19:00No, you both...
19:01No, that was a joke!
19:02What? What?
19:04No, no, it's true!
19:04It's sticky rice!
19:06Shut up!
19:08No, no, no.
19:09Sticky rice is the nickname of the guy who meant the horse.
19:14That's meant...
19:14No, it's genuinely...
19:15It's genuinely sticky rice.
19:17It was...
19:17Wait, and you two were both guessing?
19:19Yeah!
19:19That's the most racist guess I've ever heard of!
19:21LAUGHTER
19:22It only takes 45 minutes to be sharing the one studio
19:25before women's punchlines start to fall.
19:29LAUGHTER
19:32APPLAUSE
19:34And the American Battle of Windsor has consistently denied any wrongdoing.
19:38Yeah, he would though, wouldn't he?
19:41LAUGHTER
19:43Yes, for possibly revealing details when he was a trade envoy.
19:47A job that I remember us talking about years ago on this show in a kind of a...
19:50Oh, is he a trade envoy now?
19:53Is he?
19:53Whereas now we have to go, he was a trade envoy.
19:57LAUGHTER
19:58To be fair to him, if you look at this picture, this was obviously a very stressful day
20:01and he's not sweating, so maybe he was telling the truth.
20:04LAUGHTER
20:06Everybody's praising this photographer for getting this nap that nobody else could get.
20:09The first thing you learn how to do with editing software is red eye reduction.
20:15LAUGHTER
20:15And they go, I couldn't even manage that.
20:19This picture as well, the guard was actually saying that there was a problem
20:24with the button trying to let them out.
20:25Yeah.
20:25That's why they were stuck there for so long.
20:27And I think, what a lie.
20:28He just sat there going, no, I am pressing it.
20:31Did you get the picture yet?
20:32No, I'm pressing it.
20:33Oh!
20:33Oh!
20:34Oh!
20:35Oh!
20:36It's over here.
20:37It's one of these.
20:38Ah!
20:38Oh!
20:41I can't think you've got real buttons.
20:43I have already.
20:44We just have to mine buttons.
20:46Oh, no, no.
20:46I genuinely can at any time.
20:48I can do it.
20:48I don't have to do it just a bit when you're over there.
20:50I can do it at any time.
20:51Ah!
20:51Ah!
20:53But I choose not to.
20:54That's real power.
20:56That's...
20:58To be fair with this photo, there aren't many of us to get to see
21:01what we'd look like in an open casket, do we?
21:04LAUGHTER
21:07Because it was early in the morning, wasn't it, that they
21:10arrived?
21:10And they're saying, oh, he could have been in bed, and I can't
21:13not imagine him in bed with the police at the foot of his bed
21:16and him just thinking, one of these is Michael McIntyre.
21:21LAUGHTER
21:22All of it...
21:23All of it's very circumstantial, because they don't actually
21:25know.
21:26They say that he could have been in bed, he could have been
21:29having breakfast, but all of it sounds really creepy.
21:33He could have been eating an egg, and I'm like, urgh!
21:37It is bound to have an impact on his mental health, isn't it?
21:40Because you know what they say about the Duke of York, you know,
21:42when he was up, he was up.
21:44LAUGHTER
21:46When he's down.
21:47I mean, Walt also was notable about the timing of the arrest.
21:50Oh, on his birthday.
21:51He turned 66 that day.
21:53Do you reckon when he got arrested and they said date of birth
21:55and he said it, they were like, that's today, oh, happy birthday!
21:58LAUGHTER
22:00Well, what's the main thing that you want on your birthday,
22:03that the whole day is about you?
22:05And that couldn't have happened in a more extreme way.
22:08He's calling it his birthday week.
22:08Everyone's talking about you today, congratulations.
22:10I think it's quite sweet.
22:12Apparently, when they knocked down the door, they went,
22:13ha, have you got anything to say in your defence?
22:16LAUGHTER
22:18I'm just waiting for this to come out on 24 Hours in Police Custody.
22:21That's what I'm watching.
22:23It's going to be the best episode ever.
22:25That's going to be the greatest episode ever.
22:25Because he will do it because he'll think,
22:27oh, wait for me to get my side of the story out.
22:30LAUGHTER
22:32Oh, we've got to cry for one more. Where's Emily?
22:34Hey. Hi.
22:35Hey, how are you? How are you?
22:36I'm all right, how are you?
22:36I'm good. Where you come from, Emily?
22:38Er, Leeds.
22:38From Leeds.
22:39Thank you very much.
22:40I was actually meant to be seeing QI tonight,
22:41but my ticket got cancelled, so...
22:43LAUGHTER
22:48Let's give you some boring facts, then.
22:51LAUGHTER
22:52The largest type of whale...
22:56So, you've got this.
22:57Emily, do you have a question?
22:58Er, yeah.
22:59I'm wondering if you've got any travel tips?
23:00Based on what you said about QI,
23:02fuck off back to Leeds.
23:04LAUGHTER
23:08Who has Starmer reportedly been advised to sack?
23:11It is West Street.
23:12It is West Streeting, yes.
23:12Who, I think, is doing that sort of tactic of...
23:15You do that thing where you behave like you've already got
23:18the job that you want and hope people don't notice.
23:21But, at the end of that round, the points go to Sarah,
23:23Reece and Amanda.
23:24LAUGHTER
23:25People started clapping, that's how good you were.
23:29LAUGHTER
23:29I love you!
23:29Then press the buzzer, I dare you!
23:31Yeah!
23:33Oh, ho, ho!
23:35LAUGHTER
23:36Oh, hello!
23:37I feel like I've just touched a US police officer's gun.
23:41LAUGHTER
23:43Our next round is called...
23:45Oh, sorry, shit, it was points, wasn't it?
23:46Fuck...
23:47Fucked it, didn't I?
23:48Fucked it!
23:49Fucked it!
23:49You can have the job.
23:51LAUGHTER
23:53Join us after the break for more Mock The Week.
24:00APPLAUSE
24:03Our next round is connections.
24:07I, to the panel, have pictures of two well-known figures
24:09and asked them to tell me how they might be connected.
24:11So, what connects me to international spy James Bond?
24:16LAUGHTER
24:17Is it that your full name is Dara Double O'Brien?
24:21LAUGHTER
24:23It's a tragedy, really, cos 007 is your sperm count, isn't it?
24:27LAUGHTER
24:29That'll be fine now.
24:31How's his fault? Thank you very much.
24:33Is it that everyone thought in the reboot they'd both be played by a woman?
24:39LAUGHTER
24:41Out of my cold, dead hands.
24:43LAUGHTER
24:44Is it sex addiction?
24:54Kill him.
24:56LAUGHTER
24:56He's got Bond girls.
24:58Have you got O'Brien girls?
25:00O'Brien girls doesn't sound as glamorous, I've got to say.
25:03The O'Brien girls just sounds like, you know, sort of, your sisters.
25:07LAUGHTER
25:07Oh, the O'Brien girls have been off to trouble.
25:09They've been tipping the cows again out there.
25:11O'Brien girls, it sounds like some girls who went missing,
25:14sort of, 40 years ago.
25:15LAUGHTER
25:16Oh, no!
25:16No-one heard from the O'Brien girls again.
25:19The town is still haunted by the memory of the O'Brien girls.
25:22LAUGHTER
25:23Is it that you've both got the licence to kill the vibe?
25:26LAUGHTER
25:28Is it that you've both got the licence to kill my career?
25:31LAUGHTER
25:32LAUGHTER
25:32Is it that you've both had characters based on you
25:34in the Austin Powers films?
25:37LAUGHTER
25:39LAUGHTER
25:41LAUGHTER
25:41LAUGHTER
25:41LAUGHTER
25:42LAUGHTER
25:43Is it...
25:43Don't even finish that, don't even extend that.
25:46Sean, I've enjoyed your last ever appearance.
25:48LAUGHTER
25:48Is it that you've got the licence to kill Sean's career?
25:52Been doing the same job for decades, don't look any older.
25:56That...
25:56You're welcome.
25:57That's the nicest of all of them.
25:59Eh...
25:59Both just really attractive, charismatic people
26:02I have a lot of respect for.
26:04LAUGHTER
26:07Both of you think you're the main guy,
26:08but it's sort of the teams around you that make it good.
26:11LAUGHTER
26:12Is it both of them, despite what people may think,
26:15have actually been played by Irish people?
26:18Ooh.
26:18OK, well, I'm played by...
26:21LAUGHTER
26:22This is not a...
26:23It's not a persona I have that I've got.
26:25He's really Irish.
26:26Yeah.
26:27After the show, I go,
26:28The thing that Dara...
26:29Dara's been good to me, I suppose.
26:31Eh...
26:32Is it that you're wearing the same outfit in these pictures?
26:34Eh...
26:34I am.
26:35Although I feel I'm not wearing it as accurately as he is.
26:37LAUGHTER
26:38I've worn tuxedos a lot over the course of my life.
26:40Did you have to pick one in which I'm like...
26:42LAUGHTER
26:45It's...
26:45For some reason, I'm giving...
26:46I try to give a smoldering look,
26:47and yet my tyres are going,
26:49Ferdoygun!
26:50Eh...
26:50His picture, obviously, is James Bond,
26:52and yours would have been hosting, like, mortgage provider reviews.
26:56LAUGHTER
26:57Exactly!
26:59No, it's not that.
27:00It's just space.
27:01You both won't shut up about it.
27:03LAUGHTER
27:04That's an exciting fact.
27:05Nya-nya-nya-nya-nya-nya-nya-nya.
27:06Have you both got, like, a moon named after you?
27:09It's not...
27:09It's very close.
27:10It's not a moon, no.
27:11A constellation.
27:12Not a... Constellation would be amazing if a constellation...
27:15Fine, then, a fucking alien!
27:17LAUGHTER
27:19We both have an asteroid named after us.
27:21Oh.
27:21Aww.
27:22So we could all get flattened by the Dara O'Brien.
27:24Oh, yeah.
27:25If it gets bumped out of its path,
27:26it will destroy all life on Earth.
27:28You're not proud of that, are you?
27:29For about six weeks, I'll get a lot of coverage.
27:32LAUGHTER
27:33Now, why do you have this?
27:34Yeah.
27:34How do you get this?
27:34Why did they name after you?
27:36Are you a similar size?
27:37No!
27:38No!
27:39Asteroids aren't all laughing.
27:41They're bigger than me.
27:42LAUGHTER
27:47Like, seagulls over chips.
27:48Join us as we tear into the news.
27:50That's the news twice.
27:51Yeah.
27:52Or you could do an impression of a seagull to end it.
27:55LAUGHTER
28:00Here's my seagull.
28:01It's very, very quick.
28:02I was in Portugal.
28:03I saw an English couple eating chips
28:05and this seagull tried to take one of their chips
28:08and this bloke did the most English thing ever.
28:10He turned to the seagull and went,
28:11Oi!
28:12What have I told you?
28:14His wife went, Tony, you moron.
28:16He won't understand.
28:17He's Portuguese.
28:18LAUGHTER
28:26Where is Jack?
28:27Where's Jack?
28:28Hey, Jack, how are you?
28:29How's yourself?
28:29Where are you from, Jack?
28:31Kerry, in Ireland.
28:32Thank you for...
28:33CHEERING
28:34Thank you for explaining to me where Kerry is.
28:37LAUGHTER
28:37I know you weren't.
28:39I know you weren't.
28:40It was horrifying for the rest of them.
28:41He was explaining to everyone else, but obviously,
28:43I'm going to go, oh, jeez, I haven't forgotten, you know?
28:45The good people in TLC.
28:46Jack getting a sly dig in there.
28:48Kerry, in Ireland.
28:49Do you remember it?
28:50LAUGHTER
28:52Jack, thank you very much.
28:54What's your question, by the way?
28:55I want to know what is your best hack for living healthy?
28:58Oh, right.
28:59You coming to me for that?
29:00Yeah, yeah.
29:01It feels like everything Jack says is a veiled attack.
29:05LAUGHTER
29:05Hang on.
29:07Hands so weak, you struggle to open packets of crisps.
29:11LAUGHTER
29:12Some days I'll just be like, oh, I'll just have some lettuce.
29:15LAUGHTER
29:16I find opening packets harder and harder.
29:20Hmm.
29:20I don't know if I'm getting old or packets are getting stronger.
29:24LAUGHTER
29:25They've run out of the, oh, the adhesive they used to use,
29:28make it stronger now, make it...
29:29I know, has everybody...
29:30Is it just me?
29:31Does nobody else find themselves carrying...
29:33Why did you do it?
29:35It's not terrible.
29:36It didn't look like that.
29:38It looked like you needed somebody to help you and you're willing
29:42to do anything to get them to do it.
29:44Please, please open these crisps for it.
29:47LAUGHTER
29:47I'm so nervous.
29:47My hand is weak.
29:49My tongue is strong.
29:51LAUGHTER
29:55Oh, please, strong French teenager, please.
30:03It's not Sunday when we're going to watch this, we won't now.
30:06LAUGHTER
30:07It's really awkward.
30:08Your first time...
30:09Your first time in the room with Jean-Claude.
30:12LAUGHTER
30:12If you watch this, Jean-Claude, this is what I do professionally.
30:15Argh!
30:17LAUGHTER
30:18LAUGHTER
30:20LAUGHTER
30:20OK.
30:21Meanwhile, how did a julty...
30:22Tief.
30:23There's fucking Ireland slipping through.
30:26Uh...
30:26How did you go, Tief?
30:27In Turkey...
30:28LAUGHTER
30:30LAUGHTER
30:30Another news now.
30:32A big announcement has the Supreme Leader of North Korea...
30:36LAUGHTER
30:37Do you know about his daughter?
30:39LAUGHTER
30:39I'm being haunted by the Aubrian girls.
30:42LAUGHTER
30:43I can just see the faces, you know?
30:46LAUGHTER
30:46I go to sleep, I can just see the faces of the Aubrian girls.
30:49They're coming down on me, like, why'd you do it?
30:50Why'd you do it?
30:52Like...
30:52I am available for acting work in the many Sky series I'm based in Ireland at the moment.
30:56LAUGHTER
30:56Do you think that's bad?
30:58Last week, my wife and I watched all the episodes of Game of Thrones back-to-back.
31:03Unfortunately, I wasn't the one facing the screen.
31:06LAUGHTER
31:11My kids used to go to a school in Portsmouth, where most of the dads were in the Navy.
31:16And I had this chat once with this guy, just like a parent's evening.
31:20And I said, what do you do?
31:21And he said, er...
31:23I fly helicopters and I drive warships.
31:26And he said, what do you do?
31:27And I literally went...
31:28Doesn't matter.
31:30LAUGHTER
31:32Of course, we should say for the record, Manson doesn't remember receiving those payments.
31:38Oh, Bill, he doesn't remember receiving...
31:40He fucking doesn't, so shut up, mate!
31:41LAUGHTER
31:43He's a good man chased at the end of the earth by an angry and jealous media.
31:48How dare...
31:48Honestly, someone else, Peter, I think what you get to this country...
31:52LAUGHTER
31:53I found out I was old last year.
31:56That really annoyed me, if you want something that really annoys me.
31:58Yeah, go on.
31:59I was in Amsterdam with my friends from university,
32:01and there was a drug dealer ahead of us and he was going,
32:04cocaine, cocaine, cocaine, and he pointed at me and my friends and went,
32:07Viagra.
32:08LAUGHTER
32:10I told my brother about this and he's like, did you take it?
32:12I was like, no, we were on our way to Anne Frank's house.
32:15LAUGHTER
32:18Well, no surprise in the...
32:20Oh, fucking hell.
32:22LAUGHTER
32:23I've had so many kids since I last saw you, Rhys.
32:26Yeah.
32:26I've been breastfeeding so long, when I clear customs,
32:28I have to declare myself as dairy produce.
32:31LAUGHTER
32:33I've had so many kids.
32:35APPLAUSE
32:36Can I just...can I just say, having you say that in my eyes
32:40was a lifelong dream.
32:41LAUGHTER
32:43It's completely what? It's completely...
32:47Oh, I'll say alleged, OK, fine, OK.
32:49Obviously, everything we're saying is, are mere allegations.
32:53LAUGHTER
33:02Maybe none of this happened.
33:05LAUGHTER
33:07Is he on ChatBeat...
33:09Oh, I can't speak.
33:11See, this is what our generation are.
33:13Yeah, yeah, yeah.
33:14Now I understand, yeah.
33:15We call it ChatBeatGB.
33:18GB, isn't it? Because it's Great Britain.
33:19Yeah, yeah.
33:20ChatBeatGB.
33:21GMTV.
33:22Oh, you're too cute.
33:24If you think that's bad, I once went to the shop
33:27to buy a cauliflower, but I accidentally bought a cabbage,
33:31and I peeled the whole cabbage looking for a cauliflower.
33:35LAUGHTER
33:41When the whole thing was gone, I still didn't get it.
33:45Oh, no, I'll give it one more layer.
33:47I'll give it one more layer.
33:48It must be in here.
33:50And I really wish I was a good enough comedian
33:51to have made that up.
33:54LAUGHTER
33:55The next topic is...
33:58Unlikely road signs.
33:59Very embarrassing.
34:00Fully going to piss myself if I don't go to the loo right now.
34:02Then run to the loo right now if you really...
34:03LAUGHTER
34:05You've made it vivid, I'll say that.
34:07APPLAUSE
34:09Do you know what?
34:11I'm going to...
34:11I'm going to watch him.
34:13LAUGHTER
34:14Anyone want to ask another question?
34:16Anyone want to ask a question?
34:17Oh, there's something down there.
34:18Very, very good.
34:18Hi. What's your name?
34:19My name's Charlie.
34:20I'm going to do it again with the microphone there.
34:21Apologies, Charlie.
34:22What's your name?
34:23My name's Charlie.
34:24How are you, Charlie?
34:25Oh, sorry.
34:26The camera's not on you yet.
34:27So, for the third time, Charlie, I'm going to ask you again.
34:30I apologise for that.
34:31OK, Grant.
34:32Sorry, who are you?
34:33Charlie.
34:33My name's Charlie.
34:36OK.
34:39Done.
34:40We're just going to hear you one more time.
34:41Oh, hi, how are you?
34:42What's your name?
34:42My name's Charlie.
34:43I say Charlie right at time.
34:45LAUGHTER
34:48Oh, for fuck's sakes.
34:49Can you all see the word allegedly and then they'll put...
34:51They can edit it in.
34:53LAUGHTER
34:53Because that's too much.
34:56Will you be starting with a number?
34:58Allegedly.
35:00Allegedly.
35:03Allegedly.
35:13That is...
35:13That's how I say it.
35:14That's what Andrew would have wanted.
35:16LAUGHTER
35:18OK.
35:19Now we've got time for one more.
35:20Let's throw it open.
35:21Has anyone else got a question?
35:22Oh, there.
35:23OK, Grant.
35:23Thank you very much.
35:24What's your name?
35:24My name's Charlie.
35:26Charlie, you're really fucked with the show here.
35:30It was all going really well and then Charlie came in like a fucking agent.
35:34of chaos.
35:34LAUGHTER
35:38Sarah.
35:40Will you?
35:41Marry.
35:43Fleet Services.
35:45LAUGHTER
35:46That one wasn't me.
35:49LAUGHTER
35:49Why Sarah?
35:51Of all names.
35:54He said you want your boyfriend.
35:56LAUGHTER
35:56Not you.
35:59LAUGHTER
36:00Sorry to interrupt.
36:11OK, guess what we have to do again.
36:14LAUGHTER
36:16I'll put it this way.
36:17Guess who's fucked it up for the fourth time.
36:20LAUGHTER
36:23OK, now we've got time for one more.
36:26Let's throw it open.
36:26Has anyone else got a question?
36:27Not you, Charlie.
36:30Sorry, I'm sorry, I couldn't use that tip.
36:35Frog's Crossing, or as some people call it, the Channel Tunnel.
36:40LAUGHTER
36:41APPLAUSE
36:42Do you think that's bad?
36:44I've been married so long that I actually booked myself a prostate exam
36:48for Valentine's Day just to feel something.
36:50LAUGHTER
36:54LAUGHTER
36:56When did you make it become this?
36:58LAUGHTER
36:59The gentle observations about life!
37:02This!
37:03That was a cry for help!
37:04Doctors!
37:05Do you think that's bad?
37:06I did my first shift as a prostate doctor this way.
37:09LAUGHTER
37:12Join us after the break for more Mock the Week.
37:22Now we come to scenes we'd like to see.
37:26So then we can make the way over to the performance area.
37:29I'll read out this week's topics and then we'll see what our panellists
37:31can come up with.
37:32OK, here we go.
37:33The first subject is unlikely slogans for British towns and cities.
37:39Glasgow!
37:40Fucking hello!
37:42LAUGHTER
37:46Swindon!
37:47City of culture.
37:48Unfortunately, it's mostly thrush.
37:51LAUGHTER
37:54Clacton!
37:55Don't worry, he's almost never here.
37:57LAUGHTER
38:00Welcome to London, and enjoy that phone while it lasts.
38:04LAUGHTER
38:06Bristol.
38:07You don't have to live on a barge to look like you do.
38:11LAUGHTER
38:13Welcome to Luton, or as EasyJet calls it, London.
38:16LAUGHTER
38:20Why are we called Cockermouth?
38:22Oh, you'll find out.
38:24LAUGHTER
38:27Canvey Island, in the world's best island rankings,
38:30we're still behind Epstein's one.
38:35Blackpool, because your nan had to be a slag somewhere.
38:39LAUGHTER
38:41Ever wonder what Cambridge would be like if it didn't have a university?
38:45Discover Peterborough.
38:50Want to leave London but not give up your drug habits?
38:53Let's come to Margate.
38:54LAUGHTER
38:56Come to Yorkshire, where we've got the word the down to a T.
39:05Bath.
39:06Jane Austen once lived here, and we won't let you fucking forget it.
39:11LAUGHTER
39:14Southampton, the people who left on the Titanic
39:16still feel like they made the right choice.
39:19LAUGHTER
39:19LAUGHTER
39:24Visit Portsmouth.
39:25No?
39:26Fair enough.
39:32Hereford.
39:33Also for Him-er-ford.
39:37LAUGHTER
39:42That's my barrel scrape!
39:44LAUGHTER
39:47Welcome to Eton.
39:49Britain's cunt factory.
39:55Wet Wang.
39:55We're a real place.
39:57Genuinely, that's our name.
39:58Wet Wang.
39:59The whole reason we call it that is so people would come here
40:00and no-one's coming here.
40:01Wet...
40:01What do we need to do?
40:03Wet Wang.
40:04What do you want from this?
40:06Muff.
40:07We're a real place.
40:08Like, what do we have to do?
40:09We're actually called home.
40:12Fingering home!
40:13Fingering home!
40:14It's a place!
40:15We're in Essex!
40:16We're on the front of buses!
40:17Come on, guys!
40:18What's wrong with you?
40:20You're terrible!
40:25Shitstorm!
40:26It's not...
40:26It's not a place.
40:28LAUGHTER
40:29LAUGHTER
40:31Welcome to Kent.
40:33Oh, thanks!
40:33Not you.
40:35LAUGHTER
40:40OK, the next topic is...
40:43Chat of lines that won't work.
40:46Having sex with me is like having a Happy Meal.
40:48I come with a little toy.
40:54Can you iron?
40:57LAUGHTER
41:03Sorry, I'm a bit of an anxious nail-biter.
41:05I didn't hurt your toes, did I?
41:10If I could rearrange the alphabet,
41:13I'd put U next to I,
41:15and then a T in the middle,
41:17because I've got cystitis.
41:22The room just lit up when you walked in.
41:26I think they have motion-sensitive switches.
41:35Girl, are you a watermelon?
41:37Because I want to take you back to my place
41:39and then feel too overwhelmed to do anything with you.
41:42LAUGHTER
41:45APPLAUSE
41:48My ex-girlfriend used to call me the horse
41:50on account of my massive ketamine problem.
41:54LAUGHTER
41:56I would take the stars from the skies
41:58and put them in your eyes.
42:00That noise, that's Dara Breen crying
42:02because the stars are in the wrong place.
42:05LAUGHTER
42:09Wow.
42:10God must have taken the day off after making you,
42:13because you seem like a lot of work.
42:16LAUGHTER
42:19APPLAUSE
42:22Hey, girl, are you from Tennessee?
42:24Because you're the only 10IC.
42:26No?
42:26Well, then, are you from Pennsylvania?
42:27Because you've made my Pennsylvania.
42:29I'm so sorry.
42:31LAUGHTER
42:37Forgive me, forgive me.
42:39Risa has actually tried that one on me.
42:41LAUGHTER
42:43Yeah, I am a high-flying PR executive.
42:46I'm launching a new client's fragrance.
42:48What do you think of just Andrew?
42:50LAUGHTER
42:53Look, I don't care that you have a son.
42:56I...
42:56Yeah, I know Rhys.
42:58LAUGHTER
43:04I would ask you back to my place,
43:06but it seems a bit soon.
43:08I only escaped this morning.
43:10LAUGHTER
43:13Did you fall from heaven and it wasn't your fault?
43:16You might be eligible for compensation.
43:19LAUGHTER
43:21I'm not wearing any deodorant.
43:24LAUGHTER
43:27Hey, girl, is that a Snapchat filter,
43:29or are you an actual dog?
43:32LAUGHTER
43:34Hey, are you from Tennessee?
43:35Because you're the only 10IC.
43:37No?
43:38Well, then, are you from Virginia?
43:39Because you should have this Virginia.
43:42LAUGHTER
43:46Come on, don't be silly.
43:48You pay.
43:52If I could rearrange the alphabet.
43:55Chee-li-wa-du-wa-li-la-wa.
43:58LAUGHTER
44:03Sorry, I know this is so cheesy, but I haven't showered in a while.
44:07LAUGHTER
44:10All your underwear must be lucky underwear,
44:12cos it gets to touch your...
44:13Oh, she's gone.
44:14She's gone.
44:15LAUGHTER
44:17You know, they call me the stallion.
44:19At weekends, I get whipped by small men
44:21while Clare Balding commentates.
44:27How many comedians can you squeeze into nine seconds?
44:29Glenn Moore, Rhys James, Zoe Lyons, Ed Burns, Sarah Pascoe,
44:32Emmanuel Sanubi, and me, Dara Breen.
44:34Easy, done.
44:34Mock the Week, Sunday at 9 on TLC.
44:37Urgh.
44:39LAUGHTER
44:41LAUGHTER
44:43APPLAUSE
44:44APPLAUSE
44:47I know I'd watch it.
44:50LAUGHTER
44:55I don't think that's what we're doing.
44:57I think you've been craning osteopathy.
45:00Don't do that!
45:00LAUGHTER
45:01You've fuzzed it all up now.
45:03LAUGHTER
45:04The news keeps happening, so we keep mocking it,
45:07because pretending it isn't there hasn't worked.
45:10Don't miss Mock the Week with me, Dara O'Brien.
45:13And we can all just go fuck ourselves, apparently.
45:16LAUGHTER
Comments