00:03Leonard, what time does your mom's plane get in?
00:05I don't know. Sometime tomorrow morning.
00:07Don't you want to know for sure?
00:08No need to. As soon as she flies into California airspace,
00:11I'll feel the disturbance in the force.
00:14It's so nice both of your moms are coming in
00:17to see you guys get an award.
00:19Well, my mother's been there for every honor I've won
00:22since I beat out my twin sister for the did-it-on-the-potty trophy.
00:27How does this look?
00:28Aw, it's so nice. She's gonna love it.
00:30Sure. His mom gets roses.
00:32When I want them, they're a bouquet of severed plant genitals.
00:37You act like I didn't get you that mushroom log on Valentine's Day.
00:42He's right. Roses die, but a moist, rotting log
00:45will pump out mushrooms for two or three magical years.
00:49You know, your mom's ever been too thrilled with our relationship.
00:51Maybe I should get her something so she warms up to me.
00:54If you could run out and get a Ph.D., that might make her like you.
00:58Really? It didn't work for you.
01:01Do you think the moms will get along?
01:03I don't know. They're pretty different.
01:04Maybe they'll be best friends.
01:06One of them is brilliant.
01:07One is sweet and simple.
01:09Sound familiar?
01:12Our whole universe was in a hot, tense state
01:16that nearly 14 million years ago, expansion started way around.
01:20The earth began to cool.
01:21The autotrophs began to drool.
01:22The animals developed tools.
01:24We built a wall.
01:25We built a pyramid.
01:26Math, science, history, unraveling the mystery.
01:29It all started with a big bang.
01:39Shelly, I am so proud of you and Leonard for getting this award.
01:42Thank you, Mother.
01:43I tried to read your paper, but it was very hard for me to understand.
01:47Oh, it's quite straightforward, actually.
01:49It describes a new model of the universe
01:51that conceptualizes it as the surface of an end-dimensional superfluid.
01:55Interesting.
01:56You can believe that,
01:57but God filling an ark with animals two by two is nonsense.
02:04What did they feed the lions, Mother?
02:08The floating bodies of drowned sinners.
02:15Listen.
02:17Leonard's mom is a renowned psychiatrist and woman of science.
02:20Can you please keep the Bible babble to yourself while she's here?
02:25Are you ashamed of me?
02:27Of course not.
02:28I love you.
02:29I'm just embarrassed by the things you believe, do, and say.
02:37Well, I love you, too.
02:40My little bowl of lion chow.
02:46So have you and Penny set a wedding date?
02:49No, we're kind of taking it slow.
02:51I see.
02:56What does that mean?
02:58You've been on and off with this woman for seven years
03:00and engaged for one year.
03:02One has to wonder if there is a problem.
03:05Are you having satisfactory intercourse?
03:10Yes, Mother.
03:14Only satisfactory, I see.
03:19I changed my answer.
03:21It's amazing.
03:22It's hot.
03:23We can barely keep our hands off each other.
03:26Seems odd to try and impress your mother with your sexual prowess.
03:31But then you always did have that unresolved Oedipal complex.
03:36See, this right here, what you're doing,
03:38can you please not do that around Sheldon's mom?
03:41Why, are you attracted to her, too?
03:44Of course not.
03:46She's just a very sweet and God-fearing lady.
03:49You have to be respectful of her beliefs.
03:51Leonard, I'm an adult.
03:52I know how to conduct myself around people from different walks of life.
03:57Where is she from again?
03:58East Texas.
04:04Hey, look who's here.
04:07Dr. Hofstadter.
04:08It's so good to see you again.
04:10Likewise.
04:11I read your paper.
04:12It was very impressive.
04:14Oh, thank you.
04:15We just spent two hours in traffic.
04:17Did you think to mention to me that you liked our paper?
04:20Of course I did,
04:21but it's a mother's job to make sure her child's self-esteem
04:24is not dependent on anyone's approval.
04:26Well, that's so sweet.
04:29You think I have self-esteem?
04:32Dr. Hofstadter, I want you to meet my mother, Mary.
04:35So nice to meet you.
04:36Nice to meet you, too.
04:37How was your flight?
04:38Very pleasant.
04:39And yours?
04:40Lovely.
04:40Almost as if someone, not saying who,
04:43was watching over the plane.
04:47You're kidding, right?
04:50Subtle, Mom.
04:51Real subtle.
04:59Steward.
05:01Good morning.
05:04We talked about this.
05:05I don't mind you still living here,
05:07but we gotta have some rules.
05:08And rule number one is pants.
05:13Hey.
05:19You must be very proud of your son.
05:21Oh, yes.
05:22He recently argued a case before the Supreme Court.
05:27He did?
05:30Oh, you mean this son.
05:34Sure, he's terrific.
05:37Beverly, would you like to see the math I worked out
05:40to support our hypothesis?
05:41Oh, you mean my hypothesis.
05:43I hypothesize it all by myself.
05:45Calm down, dear.
05:47Mary, I'm curious.
05:48When did you first realize that your son
05:50had such a remarkable mind?
05:52Oh, good question.
05:54Everyone loves stories about Sheldon Cooper, boy genius.
05:58Well, I would have to say when he was 13
06:00and tried to build a nuclear reactor in the tool shed.
06:04Oh, this is a good one.
06:07Now, the first thing you have to know about Shelly is,
06:09ever since he was a little boy,
06:10he was always concerned with the well-being of others.
06:17And he didn't think that it was fair
06:19for people to pay for electricity,
06:20so he was gonna power the entire town for free.
06:24Do you want to tell her about the uranium?
06:26Tell her about the uranium.
06:26Oh, well.
06:28Oh, this is adorable.
06:29When he arranged to get some yellow cake from Chad,
06:33I thought he was talking about Twinkies
06:35from one of his friends.
06:38But I wasn't.
06:40I didn't have any friends.
06:44It turns out that this little scallywag
06:47was trying to use my Visa card
06:49to buy uranium from an African warlord
06:51in the country of Chad.
06:56Sounds like Sheldon was a handful.
06:58Oh, he was a handful.
07:00Oh, I was a handful.
07:03You still are.
07:09Mom, tell Mary the story
07:11about how I made a Van de Graaff generator
07:14out of our vacuum cleaner.
07:16All right.
07:17He broke the vacuum cleaner.
07:26I mean, for a while,
07:27everything was vampires.
07:29Now it's all zombies.
07:30I wonder what the next monster fad will be.
07:33We haven't had a good invisible man in a while.
07:35Clearly, you've never seen me
07:36try to talk to a woman.
07:41Guys,
07:42in the time you've been sitting here
07:43playing video games,
07:44I got the car wash,
07:45picked up cleaning supplies,
07:46and went to the bank.
07:47I put on pants.
07:51Kiss ass.
07:55Okay, I don't know when I became the mother
07:57to three lazy teenagers,
07:59but it stops today.
08:00You guys are cleaning the kitchen top to bottom.
08:02Hey, I don't even live here.
08:05Yes or no,
08:06do you have clothes in my laundry right now?
08:09I do.
08:11And some of it's wool,
08:13so dry flat, if possible.
08:18Here's a picture of me
08:19receiving my Bachelor of Science degree.
08:22You don't look very happy.
08:24Well, I had just begun puberty.
08:29Figuratively and literally
08:30one of the hairiest moments of my life.
08:34Shelley does not like change.
08:36True.
08:37But all the clenching in the world
08:39will not keep testicles in your abdomen.
08:44Sorry I got caught up at work.
08:46Hi, Beverly.
08:47Hello.
08:48Oh, okay.
08:51Sorry, I forgot.
08:52You remember my mother.
08:53Oh, yes.
08:54Hi, Mary.
08:55Good to see you again, dear.
08:57Yeah, that's what I'm talking about.
09:00So, Mom, you haven't seen Penny
09:02since we got engaged.
09:03Yeah, let me show you the ring.
09:04Oh.
09:05Lovely.
09:06Must have been very expensive.
09:08Oh, no, not at all.
09:09No, we found a place online
09:11that repurposes diamond drill bits.
09:16We did not.
09:17That's not true.
09:19Could I speak to you alone for a second?
09:22Oh, sure.
09:23It came from Tiffany's.
09:25You mean the box, right?
09:27Keep walking.
09:31It really doesn't matter to me
09:32how much he spent on the ring.
09:34I think.
09:37Did I misspeak about the ring?
09:39Yes, and we'll get back to that.
09:42Even with your mother here,
09:43you are deliberately hogging
09:45all the attention from my mom.
09:46You're like one of those
09:47elephant seal pups
09:48that steals milk from two mothers.
09:52Do you mean what marine biologists
09:54refer to as super weaning?
09:56Yes, you are a super wiener.
10:02Well, now I have to correct you.
10:04As a bit of an elephant seal buff,
10:07the more accurate comparison
10:09would be when two mother seals
10:11actively seek to nourish the same pup.
10:13So I believe the term you're looking for
10:15is a double mother suckler.
10:20Yeah, you're right.
10:21That is the term I'm looking for.
10:23You are a dirty double mother suckler.
10:29Okay, well, now that we have
10:30the terminology straightened out,
10:32how dare you?
10:35We're not in a rush.
10:36We'll set a date when the time is right.
10:38It doesn't matter, sweetie.
10:40The moment a man lays with a woman,
10:41they are married in the eyes of the Lord.
10:44Ugh.
10:51Ugh?
10:52The Bible is ugh to you?
10:54No, I'm sorry.
10:55That was inappropriate.
10:56As a psychiatrist,
10:58I know how important people's superstitions
11:00can be to them.
11:04You want to talk about superstitions?
11:06Sheldon sent me the books you wrote,
11:08all that nonsense about super egos and ids.
11:11What bull dropped that on the barn floor?
11:14His name is Sigmund Freud.
11:16Hey, look at that.
11:18You both believe in Jewish bearded guys.
11:22Stay out of this.
11:25At least the bearded man that I believe in
11:28preaches love and compassion.
11:29All yours talks about is
11:31why you hold in your poop
11:32and want to crawl back inside your mama.
11:38It's fascinating.
11:39How can someone as enlightened as Sheldon
11:42come from someone like you?
11:46I know the answer.
11:47You're not going to like it.
11:49Try me.
11:50When I was pregnant with Shelly,
11:52I was driving to church
11:53and I was praying to the Lord
11:55to give me a son smarter than his dumbass daddy.
11:59And I looked over
12:00and I saw a Jesus bobblehead
12:03in the Subaru next to me
12:04nodding,
12:04yes.
12:13What is that supposed to mean?
12:14It means
12:15I can't believe
12:16we're having this conversation.
12:18Well, do it some more
12:20or maybe it knocks some sense into yourself.
12:23How will we all stop hitting ourselves
12:25and talk about something safe?
12:27You know, like shoes
12:28or how cute little Chinese babies are.
12:31It is not my fault
12:32that your mother likes me
12:33better than she likes you.
12:34Oh, don't flatter yourself.
12:36She likes everybody
12:36better than she likes me.
12:45How old is this Jell-O?
12:46Well, it's carrots,
12:48so I'm going to say very.
12:52Sorry we have to do this.
12:55Bernadette's not wrong.
12:56She does work hard around here.
12:58Yeah, maybe it's a good thing
12:59if she stops babying you so much.
13:00She doesn't baby me.
13:02I saw her pull you home
13:03in a wagon.
13:06For your information,
13:08I twisted my ankle
13:08chasing the ice cream truck.
13:11Face it, dude.
13:13Bernadette treats you
13:14the same way
13:14your mother used to
13:15and that was not
13:16a healthy relationship.
13:19You're right.
13:21It's time for me
13:23to act like an adult
13:25in this marriage.
13:26Starting with
13:28my husbandly duty
13:29of taking out the trash.
13:37Ernie, I made a mess.
13:43I'm terribly sorry
13:44that I upset your mother.
13:46Oh, it's all right.
13:47She'll forgive you.
13:48She has to
13:49or she goes to hell.
13:54I can't help but notice
13:55how her unconditional
13:57love for you
13:58is diametrically opposed
14:00to my own parenting strategies.
14:02Well,
14:03you doled out affection
14:05as a reward
14:06for achievement,
14:07a proven way
14:08to raise a child
14:09or train a rat.
14:12But look how well
14:13you turned out.
14:14I'd feign modesty
14:16at this point
14:16but who would believe me?
14:19Still,
14:20you need to consider
14:21how successful
14:21Leonard's brother
14:22and sister are.
14:23I suppose.
14:25Well,
14:25my brother and sister
14:26are mouth-breathing idiots.
14:29Do you suppose
14:30you would have flourished
14:31more
14:32in a reward-based environment?
14:35Perhaps.
14:36But my mom
14:37made me spaghetti
14:38with chopped up hot dogs
14:39whenever I wanted
14:40so who cares?
14:44Not once
14:45did my mother
14:45ever give me
14:46any love
14:46or affection
14:47for just being myself.
14:49I always had to earn it.
14:50Oh, Leonard,
14:51I'm sure she loves you
14:52very much
14:53in her own
14:54cold,
14:55godless way.
14:58Yeah,
14:59and you certainly
14:59don't have to earn my love.
15:02Of course.
15:02You already knew that
15:03when you bought me
15:04this princess-cut drill bit.
15:07It's not what it is.
15:08I know,
15:09I know.
15:14When your mom gets back,
15:15I'm going to need
15:16to apologize
15:16for the way I spoke to her.
15:18Well, come on now.
15:19She did kind of start it.
15:20Doesn't matter.
15:21A good Christian
15:22would have turned
15:22the other cheek.
15:23On the other hand,
15:24a good Texan
15:25would have shot her.
15:29I just kind of
15:30split the difference.
15:33Hey,
15:33who's in the mood
15:34for spaghetti and hot dogs?
15:35Oh, me.
15:36Yeah, me too.
15:37Coming up.
15:39I don't really feel
15:40I deserve it.
15:45That was a big sticky mess,
15:46but I think I got it.
15:48It looks good.
15:50Look at that.
15:51You cleaned it up
15:52all by yourself.
15:54Yes,
15:54I cleaned it up
15:55all by myself.
15:56Honestly,
15:57I don't know
15:57why you complained.
16:00Okay,
16:00maybe I missed
16:01one spot.
16:09Just leave.
16:13I'm so glad
16:14that you and I
16:14were able
16:14to bury the hatchet.
16:16Me too.
16:17And I respect
16:17your right to your beliefs.
16:19And I will pray for you.
16:24Okay,
16:24Mom,
16:25let's get you back
16:25to your hotel
16:26before anyone
16:26says anything else.
16:27One moment.
16:29There's something
16:30I need to say to you.
16:31Oh, really?
16:32That's too bad.
16:34Leonard,
16:35I always made you
16:36earn my affection,
16:37but today I realize
16:39that there's more
16:40than one way
16:41to raise a child.
16:42I taught her that.
16:45therefore I would like
16:46to initiate
16:47a new protocol
16:48wherein I
16:50shower you
16:51with unconditional love.
16:54Wow.
16:56When does that start?
16:58So needy.
17:04Come to Mommy.
17:08It's okay.
17:09Go ahead.
17:18Oh, my son.
17:22Oh, my mother.
17:25Oh, my God.
17:27Oh, my God.
17:51It's the hard knock light.
17:55It's the hard knock light
17:57for us.
17:59It's the hard knock light
18:01for us.
18:02Instead of treating,
18:04we get tricked.
18:05Instead of kisses,
18:07we get hurt.
18:09It's the hard knock light.
18:10Got no folks
18:12to speak of,
18:14so
18:14it's the hard knock
18:16row,
18:17we hope.
18:18Cotton blankets
18:19set up
18:21all empty alleys.
18:23Set up
18:24all
18:24it's the hard knock light.
18:26please.
18:31Wow.
18:38Wow.
18:40Oh, my God.
18:43Oh, my God.
18:55Watch it at all.
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