00:04Roger tag sticking out thank you that's the closest I've come to sex in like two years
00:11now I feel a little gross you're only making it seem more real for me
00:17hey it's my wife anyone's gonna make her feel gross about sex it's me
00:22can we please talk about something other than my depressing love life
00:25how about Penny's depressing acting career
00:30hey I mean it's been a little tough but Penny's following her dreams and in my
00:34book that is not depressing oh thank you is that book called lies I tell to get
00:39sex is that a real book I would totally read that book can I borrow when you're
00:46done
00:51well I'll have you guys know I turned down a part in a movie last week why would you
00:55do that because it was crap it was a sequel that awful killer gorilla movie I
00:59was in serial apist
01:03thought you died in that no she does 42 minutes in while showering topless 16 minutes after brief
01:09sidebar during a pillow fight with the story sisters I have an eidetic memory I don't know
01:16what his problem is okay well there are no shower scenes in this one they just try to clone me
01:21from
01:22my corpse but my DNA gets mixed with the apes DNA and I end up running around with giant gorilla
01:26hands
01:26and feet am I missing something or isn't that the part she was born to play
01:34our whole universe was in a hot dense state that nearly 14 million years ago expansion started way
01:41the earth began to cool the autotropes began to drool me and recalls develop tools we built a wall
01:46we built a pyramid map science history unraveling the mystery that all started with a big bang
01:59so are you really not gonna do this movie well I don't think it's the kind of part that's good
02:04for my career don't a lot of famous actors get their start doing bad movies okay I don't think
02:10Meryl Streep ever had to say must keep gorilla hands from killing again if she did it would be
02:19amazing that woman can do no wrong I I don't know anything about show business so if you think
02:27it's reasonable to turn down paid work and just burn through your savings I'm sure you know what
02:31you're doing I think we're gonna go are you sure you're making fun of failed careers we didn't get to
02:45tap the juicy vein that is Howard's hey I work at the same university you do yes and Hawkeye's in
02:52the
02:53Avengers but no one ever says help Hawkeye I ask you something why do you constantly feel the need
03:01to put down my husband oh I'm sure he does it out of love the same way my boyfriend makes
03:05me feel
03:05terrible about my life choices I think we're gonna go this is not a fight I was just excited that
03:16someone
03:16offered you a part and a little surprised that you'd rather sit at home and do nothing and take
03:20it now it's a fight well with that sorted out I'm happy to answer your question Bernadette
03:31Howard started it I didn't do anything I was just sitting here I wasn't referring to this evening
03:3710 years ago upon first seeing me your husband claimed that I looked like C-3PO and Pee Wee Herman
03:46and he called me C-3Pee Wee Herman
03:52still funny
03:56that was 10 years ago nine years 11 months and three weeks ago he followed that up by replacing the
04:03slides
04:04from my lecture with photographs of nude fat women bending over really the lecture was on cosmic gas
04:13clouds that's funny I was there it was funny in any event that began a decade-long progression of
04:26insults pranks and unwanted magazine subscriptions to this day I still get a monthly copy of granny on
04:32granny which other than its surprisingly fun puzzle page is complete filth
04:42thanks for walking me to my car actually it's for both of us last night I watched West Side Story
04:48and I'm a little freaked out by street gangs why can't Raj find a girl the mystery continues
04:57I don't appreciate your sarcasm but we've still got two blocks to go so I'll put up with it
05:04whatever happened with your online dating no one was writing me back so I stopped checking my profile
05:10before I met Sheldon I was ready to give up too once I even dropped in on my OBGYN just
05:15to get some
05:15human contact
05:17it has been a while since I got my prostate checked
05:21then I met Sheldon and look at where we are now
05:26you've kissed like once in three years
05:30that's true do whatever you want
05:35hey hello listen I was thinking you and I could probably try to be better friends really I was
05:46thinking what we have now is a bit much
05:52seriously I was talking to Bernadette last night and she made some great points you and I have known
05:59each other a long time and I didn't hear the rest because she took her bra off
06:08very well how do you propose we move forward for starters we could stop insulting each other
06:16that's a great idea and in the spirit of our new arrangement I will mask my surprise that you came
06:22up with it
06:29anyway I got invited to do a little talk at NASA in Houston this weekend they gave me two tickets
06:34Bernadette can't go
06:35you want to come with me you can visit your mom and I'll show you around the space center
06:42I have one question is this a prank you know where we land in Houston and you've made up wanted
06:49posters that have my face with a mustache and a Spanish name and then I get arrested and deported to
06:54South America
06:58no I'm glad because I would not seen that coming
07:05Amy I could use some help oh let me guess there's an undergrad in a leather jacket snapping his fingers
07:11by the water fountain
07:14I thought about what you said last night and I went back on the dating website and I was looking
07:19at this girl's profile
07:21she's amazing oh she's cute and smart Phi Beta Kappa and judging by her lack of Adam's Apple she's been
07:28female her entire life
07:33I like that in a woman
07:36great so what do you need me for
07:38well I was up all night trying to write to her but I wanted to run it by you first
07:42all right
07:45Emily
07:47your face is like a precious dukest flower
07:50wow
07:51I know
07:52powerful stuff huh
07:55no you're supposed to be yourself
07:57not all desperate and creepy
08:01okay I'm getting some mixed messages here
08:04just say something normal like I
08:06saw your profile
08:08looks like we have a lot in common
08:10let's get a cup of coffee sometime
08:12yes where I can be jealous of the cup touching your ruby lips
08:19or you just write it for me
08:21I'm not gonna pretend to be you
08:22I don't want you to pretend to be me you can be like my online wingman
08:26like if we met her at a bar and you talked me up
08:28well what would I say to her
08:31just tell her what I'm really like
08:34and if you think it'll help
08:36that you saw me changing once and my package reminded you of the muscular tail of a jaguar
08:47use your own words
08:52thanks again for taking me to the pharmacy
08:54oh it's no problem is everything okay
08:57oh I'm fine it's just some stomach medication for my trip
09:00there's a remote yet distinct possibility that I may end up in South America
09:08remember the old days when I would have said something dumb like why
09:17uh that doesn't sound good
09:20remember the old days when I used to point out that your check engine light was on
09:25yes
09:26I'm gonna get ready to stroll down memory lane
09:28Penny you're checking
09:29yeah I know it's on Sheldon
09:31oh no no no no no no no I cannot afford this right now
09:35maybe it's just something minor
09:45oh good news the light just went out
09:54are we playing individual or teams?
09:56teams are fun
09:57oh in that case I'd like to be partnered with my good friend Howard
10:01but I'm always on Howard's team
10:03we're best friends
10:04the kind who finish each other's
10:11I really don't think we do that
10:12do that see
10:16oh hi
10:17oh how did it go with the mechanic?
10:19uh not great can I talk to you for a sec?
10:21yeah sure
10:23maybe I can go with you guys to Houston
10:26isn't that a little light ticket plane tickets?
10:30will you please stop
10:31stop that?
10:32okay
10:35I don't know what to do
10:36my car threw a rod and it's totaled
10:38I can't afford a new one
10:39I have no job
10:40and now I can't drive to auditions
10:41I'm so sorry
10:43I know it's a sensitive subject
10:44but can you reconsider that part in the movie?
10:47I did
10:47I called them
10:48the part's gone
10:49you gave it to someone else
10:51now that girl's gonna get discovered
10:52and become famous
10:53and go on Letterman
10:54and talk about how she got her big break
10:55on some cheap monkey movie
10:57all because some dumb girl
10:58thought it was beneath her
11:01at least they talked about you on Letterman
11:06come on
11:06I can drive you wherever you need to go
11:08how?
11:09unlike me
11:10you have a job
11:11I'm just gonna have to go back to being a waitress
11:13like I will be for the rest of my life
11:16Leonard
11:17could you wrap it up?
11:18we're waiting on you
11:19I'm sorry
11:20is the fact that my life's falling apart
11:21interfering with your board game?
11:24it is
11:28hey you were wrong friend Howard
11:30she completely understood
11:36hey you busy?
11:37no what's up?
11:38have you heard back from Emily?
11:41I have
11:41great and?
11:43and I'm afraid she doesn't think you're right for her
11:48I give you
11:49one simple thing to do
11:51contact a complete stranger
11:53and make her fall in love with me
11:54and you blow it
11:57look I told her what a good guy you are
11:59but
12:00she thought it was a bad sign
12:02that you didn't write to her yourself
12:03she thought it made you seem
12:06too shy and passive
12:08I'm not too shy and passive
12:09you write her back
12:10and tell her I said that
12:13you know when you have a second
12:16look I'll see if I can change her mind tomorrow night
12:19what's happening tomorrow night?
12:20I'm meeting her for coffee
12:23what?
12:24well we just
12:24we emailed back and forth a bit
12:26and we kind of hit it off
12:27I find a girl I like
12:28and you're stealing her?
12:29no we just ended up
12:30having a lot in common
12:31we went to Harvard
12:32we like Chaucer
12:34we're both
12:34hardcore into quilting
12:39your words for like acid rain
12:41and the wounded petals of my heart
12:46that's Sheldon
12:47he says he'll be down in a minute
12:50what are you doing?
12:52he's not coming out
12:53until he sees proof
12:54you don't have an air freshener in your car
12:58this is gonna be a long weekend for you
13:00you're the reason I'm doing it
13:02I said to stop insulting each other
13:04I didn't tell you to take them on a romantic getaway
13:09how do I know what you said?
13:10damn you and your noise cancelling breasts
13:16hello
13:17hey buddy
13:20you excited for Texas?
13:22oh very much so
13:23it's not every day you get to tour NASA
13:25with a real astronaut
13:26who's the real astronaut?
13:32Buzz Aldrin
13:33oh yay
13:49howard
13:51howard
13:52howard
13:56what now?
13:58I have to go to the bathroom
14:00you just went to the bathroom
14:01I didn't use it
14:02because it didn't seem safe
14:04despite all my emails
14:06the toilet didn't have a seatbelt
14:10well it still doesn't
14:11I realize that
14:13that safety concerns went out the window
14:14two apple juices ago
14:17fine
14:20why are you getting annoyed?
14:22I'm trying to be a better friend
14:24but you constantly say and do irritating things
14:29like when?
14:30when?
14:30how about in the car?
14:32I'm an astronaut
14:33and you know it
14:34you just don't like admitting it
14:36because you're jealous
14:39well
14:41truth be told
14:42as a child I did dream of going to space
14:45those astronauts were my heroes
14:47and
14:49when you got to go
14:50it was hard for me
14:54thank you
14:55because it made me realize
14:57I'll just send anyone up there
15:01aren't you going to let me out?
15:03nope
15:03but I still need to use the bathroom
15:05here you go
15:06be creative
15:11what's the matter?
15:12scared of a little turbulence?
15:13no
15:15turbulence
15:15is just the
15:16equalization of diurnal temperature variations
15:19in the atmosphere
15:19I'm not scared at all
15:22oh apple juice
15:23stay where you are
15:26oh this is nothing
15:27I experienced way worse
15:29when I was plummeting back to earth
15:31apparently not being a real astronaut
15:36okay that was a big one
15:39I take it back
15:40I'm scared of turbulence
15:41but I need that backpack
15:42you sure you want to do this?
15:48yeah
15:48why wouldn't I want to get my old job back?
15:50it'll be fun to see everyone
15:52I haven't talked to them since I said
15:53I quit
15:54see you at the Oscars
15:55bitches
15:57come on
15:58let's just get this over with
15:59let's just get this over with
16:01am I driving you to the cheesecake factory
16:02or are we having sex?
16:06I'm just
16:06I'm trying to lighten the mood
16:07I know
16:08thank you
16:09sorry
16:09this is just so humiliating
16:11so humiliating
16:12am I driving you to the cheesecake factory?
16:14I'm sorry
16:14I'll stop
16:15I'll stop
16:19come on
16:19don't look so sad
16:20you never know what's going to happen
16:22maybe tonight will be great
16:23sweetie
16:24I know you're trying to make me feel better
16:25and I love you for that
16:26but it's making me feel worse
16:27and I kind of hate you
16:31this isn't your car
16:32I know
16:34I thought we'd take yours
16:38I don't understand
16:40it's nothing fancy
16:41but it'll get you to auditions
16:43and at least for now
16:44you don't have to go back to waitressing
16:48I don't know what to say
16:52don't say anything
16:56I mean you could say thank you
16:58I did just buy you a car
17:04look I admit that it's odd
17:06that Rajesh didn't write to you himself
17:08but if you get to know him
17:10you'll see
17:10he's just a sweet
17:11regular guy
17:13as a counterpoint
17:14here he is uninvited
17:15and visibly sweating
17:16hello Emily
17:17hello
17:18Amy told me you were concerned
17:19that I might be too
17:20passive and shy
17:22let me ask you something
17:23would a passive guy
17:25barge in here
17:26to look you in the eye
17:27and say
17:28hey do you kiss flower
17:29what's up
17:35no but a weird guy
17:37with no boundaries might
17:38okay that's a separate issue
17:40let's put a pin in that
17:41and just focus on the passive thing
17:43I'm leaving
17:44are we still gonna go
17:45to that Chaucer reading Friday
17:46you know I think
17:47I'm just gonna go by myself
17:52not my best first date
17:56but not my worst either
18:02I'm sorry for every mean thing
18:04I ever did or said to you
18:05I'm sorry too
18:06it's all my fault
18:08if you weren't my friend
18:10there'd be a hole in my life
18:11thank you Sheldon
18:13kind of like when Firefly
18:14was cancelled
18:16but not as big
18:25the captain has turned off
18:27the fasten seatbelt sign
18:28you're now free to move
18:29about the cabin
18:32it's over
18:32yeah
18:36should we
18:37stop holding hands now
18:42in a minute
18:43okay good
18:46you
18:48it's all I can't
18:51you
19:11it's all I can't
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