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00:03In 1997 MI5's top agents gathered in Thames House for a secret meeting. This is that meeting.
00:19Director, Prince Andrew is here for his briefing. Your Majesty, thank you.
00:23I came as soon as I could. Thank you, Your Majesty.
00:26We appreciate that with the recent passing of Diana, this is a difficult time for the family.
00:39She was such a beautiful woman.
00:42Prince Andrew, no one knows better than us how charming, capable, fiercely intelligent, and morally upstanding you are.
00:50You are a credit to princes everywhere.
00:54You're too kind.
00:56Since the death of Diana, the public have turned on Prince Charles, but still, one day he will be king.
01:01We need to make him look good.
01:03There's no easy way to say this, Your Highness.
01:06We have deduced that the only way to increase the likability of our future king is to decrease the likability
01:12of everyone around him.
01:17I see. Well, I love my brother, I love my country, and I'm willing to do whatever it takes.
01:23We hoped you'd say that.
01:25We have prepared a 29-year plan.
01:30To slowly, but surely make the entire country think you are a...
01:34Well, have a little read.
01:41Huh.
01:46It's, uh...
01:49Huh.
01:51We're aware it's a lot.
01:53And you actually want me to do all of this stuff?
01:56Sadly, yes.
01:59Even the part about befriending a notorious pedophile?
02:03That's an important part of it, yeah.
02:06Before and after he's convicted.
02:09Right, okay.
02:10Of course.
02:10And there's absolutely no other way to make my brother look good.
02:13Well, we're also going to push an environmental angle for him, but it will be half-arsed.
02:20This all seems very high-risk.
02:22God, I'm sweating.
02:25Of course you are, Andrew, of course you are.
02:28But surely you can't make everyone around Charles unlikable.
02:31I mean, what about William?
02:33He's so handsome.
02:35We're seeing to that.
02:39And Harry?
02:40He's going to marry a woman 98% of the UK public will find it impossible to have a normal
02:46conversation about.
02:48Oh, heavens.
02:49I'm afraid this will kill mummy when the news comes out.
02:52Turn to page 72, it will.
02:56Gosh.
02:57I'm afraid of doing this alone.
02:59Isn't there anyone in government who can go on this journey with me?
03:03Send in Agent Maggelson.
03:08Gentlemen.
03:10Peter Maddox.
03:12The most honourable, ethical politician we have.
03:16No one will believe he's corruptible.
03:19I'm sorry, Andrew.
03:20The responsibility in our shoulders is more than any man can bear.
03:24And are people going to think you did all this stuff?
03:28Kind of.
03:31Well, for Britain, I'm in.
03:34I'm in, too.
03:35Oh, Fergie.
03:38Sorry I'm late.
03:40What do you need?
03:41Nothing, Fergie.
03:42You've done so much already.
03:46What's she doing here?
03:47We got divorced a year ago.
03:49Agent Ferguson has been on the payroll since 86.
03:52You wouldn't believe how good she's made you guys look by comparison.
03:56I know, and I know I can do more.
03:59Go further.
04:00Be more odd.
04:03I could drop more nudes.
04:04Suck more toes.
04:05Make my walk even weirder.
04:13The one thing that might help is if you stay by Andrew's side.
04:17Live with him, without explanation, for the next 29 years.
04:22Sure, I'm going to do that anyway.
04:25And remember, your highness, if you're ever in too deep, just say the code word and we'll step in to
04:30save you.
04:31What's the code word?
04:32Pizza.
04:34Express.
04:36Woking.
04:39I'm not sure how I'd ever fit that into a conversation, but I'll make it sound as natural as possible.
04:45Good man.
04:46Good man.
04:47Well, here goes nothing.
04:49Gentlemen, thank you, and say goodbye to the man you know and love.
04:55I'll see you in 2026, where I can finally hold my head up high and say,
05:00Live from London, it's Saturday!
05:11It's Saturday Night Live!
05:16With...
05:26I'll see you in 2026, where I can finally hold my head up high and say goodbye to the man
05:27you know and say goodbye to the man you know and say goodbye to the man you know and say
05:28goodbye to the man you know and say goodbye to the man you know and say goodbye to the man
05:28you know and say goodbye to the man you know and say goodbye to the man you know and say
05:28goodbye to the man you know and say goodbye to the man you know and say goodbye to the man
05:31you know and say goodbye to the man you know and say goodbye to the man you know and say
05:33goodbye to the man you know and say goodbye to the man you know and say goodbye to the man
05:34you know and say goodbye to the man you know and say goodbye to the man you know and say
05:40goodbye to the man you know and say goodbye to the man you know and say goodbye to the man
05:40you know and say goodbye to the man you know and say goodbye to the man you know and say
05:41goodbye to the man you know and say goodbye to the man you know and say goodbye to
05:47Thor Aiken.
05:52Anya Magliano.
05:58Annabel Marlow.
06:03Al Nash.
06:08Jack Sheff.
06:14Emma Ciddy.
06:22Hattie Young.
06:29Musical guest, Wolf Alex.
06:35And your host, Jamie Dauner.
06:47Ladies and gentlemen, Jamie Dauner.
06:51Jamie Dauner.
06:53Jamie Dauner.
07:21I'm the star of the fall.
07:22The Oscar-winning film Belfast.
07:24And of course, your auntie's favourite dreams.
07:29Now, over the years, you know, it's fair to say you've all seen a lot of me.
07:35And by that I mean my arse.
07:39But there is another part of me that you've not seen.
07:44So tonight, I've decided to follow broadcast guidelines and keep it that way.
07:55But I will reveal something far more intimate about myself.
07:59Because I'm not just a sex symbol who looks sexy in everything he does.
08:05I am also a guy who collects rocks.
08:10That look like potatoes.
08:13Bring them out, boys. Come on.
08:21There are my girls.
08:25Look at these gorgeous little things.
08:27And no, this isn't a joke.
08:31God knows I wish it was.
08:35And if you Google Jamie Dornan potato rocks, you'll see that I'm telling the truth.
08:42Trust me, this is real.
08:44I look for these when I'm on holiday.
08:47I mean, this one looks exactly like a chip.
08:55You know, people say, well, you can't care that much because you've only got five.
09:01But that's wrong.
09:02If I cared less, I'd have way more.
09:04My standards are like very, very high.
09:08Like, take this one, for example.
09:10Can we get a close-up on this?
09:12I mean, isn't she beautiful?
09:19Seriously, this is who you want to sleep with?
09:22Not me, your rocks suck.
09:24I think they're suck.
09:26Hang on, I recognise that voice.
09:27Is that Chris O'Dowd?
09:29That's right, it's me.
09:30Your greatest enemy and personal friend, Chris O'Dowd.
09:33What's going on?
09:34Yeah, yeah, yeah.
09:37Yeah.
09:39What's going on?
09:42Yeah.
09:43Couldn't help but notice that you're showing off your spud rocks again.
09:49You pebble slag.
09:53Seriously, Chris, I mean, do you really have to turn up in the middle of everything I do and ruin
09:57it?
09:58Is that what you're going to do?
09:59Well, it seems that maybe I do have to do that, Jimmy.
10:04OK.
10:05I don't really, I mean, what do you want?
10:08Well, you are the man who's got everything, huh?
10:11But maybe you don't have everything.
10:14Maybe you're missing a little something.
10:20You've swapped one of my rocks for a potato.
10:22Yes, I did do that for some reason.
10:25And here's the best bit, huh?
10:29Smell it.
10:33I'm not going to smell it.
10:34Smell my spud, darn it.
10:39Yeah, that's right.
10:41It's not even Irish.
10:44Just domestic slop.
10:46OK, right.
10:48I'm sorry, I'm going to have to deal with this.
10:49We've got a great one for you tonight.
10:51Wolf Alistair here.
10:52So stick around.
10:53Enjoy the show.
10:54Right, come on.
10:55Give me a fart fart now.
11:05Hello, amigos.
11:07We out here in Bristol Airport.
11:09And we are going to España.
11:12España.
11:12The most beautiful place in the world.
11:15A country of art, culture and culinary delights.
11:19And when we get there, there's only one place we're going to go.
11:22Oh, my God.
11:23Oh, my God.
11:24Oh, my God.
11:28Oh, my God.
11:41I'm going to frame a vibration in pub.
11:43Pub, pub, pub, pub, pub.
11:45Yeah.
11:46He's the British.
11:47I know a place that I've got to get to.
11:50Package holiday, flying jet two.
11:52Three euro beer, two euro shot.
11:54It's just like the pub by my house, but hot.
11:57Alicante, Mallorca, and Benidorm.
11:59I don't want to speak Spanish in any form.
12:02In your purple shirt, in my carry-on.
12:04So everybody knows I'm also from where they are from.
12:08Everything we need, many we can read.
12:10On a big screen, they've got West Ham leads.
12:13Come on!
12:13Oh, my God.
12:14Lexington while we Brexit in Spanish in my lexicon.
12:17I'm wearing a sombrero, even though VCs are Mexican.
12:19I met a last request and I was sexing.
12:21No protection.
12:21Make a bunch of babies bring me back to the British.
12:24They speak pop, pop, pop, pop, pop.
12:26We're in the Mediterranean.
12:28They speak pop, pop, pop, pop, pop.
12:31And we don't speak Spanian.
12:34Blaise, import the walkers in my little pie.
12:37Yeah, that's where the pork is.
12:38HB, Rochester, got all the sauces.
12:41Many so extravagant, I'm having four courses.
12:43Eggs.
12:43And chips.
12:44And chips.
12:44Pasta.
12:45And chips.
12:45Fish fingers and the frozen garlic bread.
12:47And lemon rings.
12:48Neatle damage, you act playing the hits.
12:50Some burnt ladies are swinging the hitch.
12:53Oh, we're going to Ibiza.
12:56Me and all my chicas to eat some chips and pizza.
13:01I know the British things pop, pop, pop, pop.
13:05I'm playing darts with Dada.
13:06A British thing pop, pop, pop, pop.
13:09Why does Melissa look sad?
13:18I don't know what you're saying.
13:24I don't know what you're saying.
13:37Just to replicate our own culture like surely we should at least broaden our writer. She's right with Tina reminded
13:44There's got to be more to Spain than British themed pubs. Hey, I know kiss
13:55Follow me
14:07They are quite similar
14:09Come on you sexy mamas, I got the Irish Tappas. Got no patatas bravas, but I got the plain patatas.
14:14From Dublin to Marbella, I've never tried paella, but I'm a lucky fella cause I own an Irish theme pub.
14:20In Spain
14:52I've got Amy. She's alive and she stays that way if you listen carefully. I need 250 grand in cash.
15:00So I guess how much do you care about your girlfriend?
15:06What? What?
15:08Hi, sorry, um
15:12It's just we haven't really been saying girlfriend boyfriend
15:19But I'm really comfortable with like everything else you said so far. Shut up, I'm warning you
15:30I've got Amy. She's alive and if you want to see your friend. Oh, no, sorry
15:38Just to clarify we are seeing each other like he's practically my boyfriend
15:46Yeah, you got it you go go go go go go go go
15:53I've got Amy. She's alive. God, it would just literally kill me if you knew I was referring to him
15:58as my boyfriend
16:05Okay, so you're sleeping together
16:08Yeah, so basically we
16:11We were friends first
16:13Um, and then we had this kiss
16:15But it was just this like drunk thing like we didn't even speak about it
16:18Which is like crazy like you would have thought like I'd have the confidence to like just bring it up
16:23But like I'm not an extrovert like what everyone thinks like
16:27Like I'm hesitant to join a conga line for God's sake
16:31So yeah, then like a few weeks later we
16:34We randomly slept together and then we just like kept sleeping together
16:37And then you put me in the boot of your car and now we're here. So like what would you
16:40decide?
16:46Listen
16:48When I was watching you both through the tiny crack in the wardrobe door
16:55I thought you look really comfortable together
16:57Oh my god
17:02Girl, thank you for saying
17:05Like I don't know like we do know each other intimately and like like I could describe his handwriting
17:10To you
17:13Oh my god
17:15I'm so sorry, I don't know why I'm getting so upset
17:17No, of course, I mean this is an intense situation
17:21I've got a gun
17:23I know I should just like not care but like you so fit
17:26Like he's like a fit version of you
17:30Yeah, I mean hey, you don't have to tell me twice
17:32You know, I saw him when I was creeping on you
17:37Okay, like you can like totally say if this is crazy
17:40Obviously, but like do you think there's a way you could ask him where his head's at?
17:48Girl, I gotta ask for the money anyway, so
17:51Of course
17:54Just send it on my phone
17:58I probably should have taken that off you before
18:00So I'll text him
18:02Um, no, we're not married just Instagram DM
18:05Oh
18:11I have Amy
18:12I need to know
18:14Do you care about her?
18:16Do you want her to be your girlfriend?
18:19Do you have other girls to fall back on if she goes missing?
18:23I mean what are your hopes for the future?
18:26Like do you even want to have kids?
18:28And once I know all that
18:31I'll send through the demands
18:33Oh my god!
18:37I feel so nervous
18:38I know like what if he airs me?
18:41Hey, if he won't pay you
18:42If he won't pay 250 grand
18:44To stop me from chopping into little pieces then
18:46He doesn't deserve you
18:51Oh my god, he's typing
18:55He stopped?
18:56Should I send them another text?
18:57No, no, no, don't double text
19:00Maybe we should upload an Instagram story of your little girl handing my boy hand
19:04Oh my god, okay, it's genius
19:05Oh my god, he sent a video
19:09Mate, yo, listen, I'm sorry that you were being held hostage like that and all that and all that stuff
19:15But I just feel like I really need to be single right now
19:20Obviously like if you do escape then link me and I can
19:24Babe, I'm coming, babe, oh my god
19:26Oh, babe, oh
19:28Oh my god, oh my god, I'm so sorry that's happened to you babe
19:32Babe, like I'm sorry this has happened to you
19:34Like you clearly put so much work into like
19:37Like setting this whole thing up
19:39No, it's like so not on that I'm gonna have to kill you now
19:42Babe, like in the spirit of being direct like
19:45I have taken your gun
19:49Okay
19:50And I am gonna escape
19:52Oh, she's the CEO of her own future
20:00Promise me you won't go back to him
20:02Babe, I will
20:04Oh
20:18Sweetheart, it's one in the morning, what are you doing?
20:20Putting the clocks forward daddy
20:22Daylight saving time
20:23If we don't change the clocks tonight
20:26He'll get us
20:27Who's gonna get us Eleanor?
20:28The time man
20:30He waits for us at the end of every year and brings the new one in with song
20:33He keeps the seasons in his pockets
20:35The keeper of the clocks
20:36The boogie woogie man
20:38Jules Holland
20:40It's just a myth Eleanor
20:42It's true
20:43He brings the new year in with his hootenanny
20:46And every spring he flies across the country to check that we've changed the clocks
20:51We've forgotten
20:52He imprisons our souls in his boogie woogie wonderland
20:55I know all the stories
20:56Come on, let's get to bed, okay?
21:01It's too late
21:02He's here
21:03Who?
21:05Ladies and gentlemen, Olivia D
21:07Cooks forward now
21:09Five
21:10Four
21:11Better change your clocks
21:12I'm nearly here
21:13Three
21:14Two
21:16Paloma fights him later
21:17One
21:21One
21:21Good evening everybody
21:23Have you had a good winter?
21:24Good evening, Dan Trudy
21:26Jane Cullen's here
21:31Joss Stone everyone, playing the cut up her new album Superbdy Below
21:35Was that in the clocks?
21:37He wants his hour
21:38If we give him his hour then he'll go
21:40Oh, very good
21:41Bang on time
21:42Sting will be pleased
21:58Big year for you dad what's next I think he wants an anecdote does it have to be funny
22:04No, tell them how many people what's in store?
22:07That's there everybody. We love you. We welcome you more jewels. Well, I'm not called jewel Holland. Am I?
22:17Jesse Jay
22:25Give me my hour. Why don't you join me in my boogie woogie wonderland
22:34Come to me
22:39Dad
22:41Lose an hour not your dad
22:53Just signing up guys, this is the big moment mother and son reunited after years of war, okay?
23:00We've got some eye drops if you need help with the crying
23:02Oh, I'm happy to give it a go without yeah, me too. Yeah, right? Well, let's just go for one
23:08see what happens
23:09Yeah rolling
23:12The battle within take one
23:15And action
23:19Mother
23:21I'm home
23:22Ooooh
23:25God
23:29Oh, my son
23:33Oh, my son
23:35Oh, my son
23:40Oh, my son
23:43Oh, my son
23:52Yes, um, so Stella little quicker in on the line. Yes quick on the line. Okay, great
23:56And remember you're a mother being reunited with her son, okay?
24:01Okay, rolling
24:05Battle we've been take two
24:09Action
24:12Mother
24:25I've dreamed of this day
24:28Do I seem very different?
24:31Well, um, I need to need to get a look at you to answer that
24:38You look the same as ever. Oh god, I I missed you mummy. You know, I
24:45I had the strangest time of the year. I've met this old man. Whoa
24:52Oh
24:54I don't think that's the story love
24:56No, no, so I wasn't no I was just leaning in to listen. I was like what you say
25:03Okay, yeah, so Stella you're playing his mother
25:08Okay, do you think um the skirts may be like a little bit cinched for yeah, I'm worried about that.
25:12Yeah, yeah, okay
25:13We're losing time Michael. We really need to get that speech. Are you happy to just go for it? Yeah,
25:17I'm ready
25:18Yeah, hey Stella just reactions from you. Okay, really almost nothing at all. Okay, we're still rolling
25:25Just reactions
25:27action
25:28I know I'm back, but in a sense. I'm not really here
25:37The things I've seen
25:39Things I've done
25:41Oh
25:45Mother
25:48My my mother yeah
25:52I've done some bad things. Oh, yes. I mean no
25:57It keeps me up at night all night long son
26:03I did some terrible things in in the war
26:07Oh
26:10You were so naughty in the war
26:15This is not working for me at all this is
26:17Get her out of here
26:18No, no, no, no, no I can do it
26:19No, I can do it
26:20I can do it
26:20No, I'm on my side
26:21My sexy side
26:24They thought there was a chance this might happen, so don't worry
26:27We've already got another actress lined up ready to go
26:29Come on
26:30Oh my son
26:31Oh
26:34What is happening?
26:35No, wait
26:36I actually like this one
26:38Okay, that's done to everyone
26:47Ladies and gentlemen, Wolf Ellis
27:00I love
27:01I have magnetic properties
27:03Throw the skull off from the island like they came from me
27:07I don't need a soul
27:08My heart
27:09Don't I get to do
27:10Just need an answer to the question in the taxi
27:13My sister painted out the beat like blasphemy
27:16But I never thought of things as they're such a separate
27:19It's my choice to choose
27:21Who I am
27:22There's a family
27:23My choice to choose
27:24Yeah, my choice to choose
27:26Yeah
27:26Now who I am
27:28That's important to me
27:33Do what I got
27:34To see the wind from the trees
27:39Now who I am
27:41That's important to me
27:44That the branch is right there
27:52I can just wander always
27:55Like a leaf on the side
27:57This breeze
27:59I do not need no room in me
28:02I carry you home with me
28:05To be a nomad and dirty
28:09All the waves of the jungle sea
28:11I can see in the toilet
28:14Why it's more so scary
28:17I can't love to have magnetic properties
28:34Wrote a scholar from the island and they'll temper me
28:37I don't need to solve my unknown identity
28:41Just need an answer to the question in the taxi
28:43My sister painted apathy
28:46Like blasphemy
28:47I've seen God's right now
28:48People closest to me
28:50My choice to choose
28:52You are your brave family
28:53I choose you
28:55Yeah, I choose you
28:56Now who I am
28:59That's important to me
29:02Do what I got
29:05To see the wood from the trees
29:09Now here I have
29:12That's important to me
29:15Let the branches wrap them all
29:21Here I am
29:23I can just wander always
29:26Like a leaf on the side
29:28This breeze
29:29I do not need no room in me
29:33I carry you home with me
29:36To be a nomad and fallen
29:39On the waves of the jungle sea
29:42I can see even wait with me
29:46White horses stare with me
29:49Know who I am
29:51That's important to me
29:55Do what I got
29:57To see the wood from the trees
30:02Know who I am
30:04That's important to me
30:07Let the branches wrap them all
30:12The branches wrap
30:14The branches wrap
30:21I am
30:22I am just a wonder always
30:24Like a leaf on the south fish breeze
30:28I do not need no room in me
30:31I carry home with me
30:35To be a nomad flowing
30:38On the waves of the jungle sea
30:40I can see me, baby, one for six, baby.
31:20It's Weekend Update with Ania Magliano and Paddy Young.
31:33Good evening and welcome to Weekend Update.
31:37I'm Paddy Young.
31:38And I'm Ania Magliano.
31:42In a world of darkness, horror and despair, we're here to make it worse.
31:48Let's have it.
31:51The conflict in the Middle East continues to escalate.
31:55Israel has intercepted a missile from Yemen, which has been identified as a Houthi missile.
32:00As in, Houthi hell fired that missile.
32:04While Trump has been insisting that Iran wants a deal so badly,
32:08an Iranian military spokesperson has said, quote,
32:11our first and last word from the very first day has been, is and will remain.
32:17Someone like us will never come to terms with someone like you.
32:20Not now and not ever.
32:22Oh my God, just kiss already.
32:28Corey Edwards, a reform candidate in Wales, has stepped down after being photographed while
32:33appearing to do a Nazi salute.
32:35Reform leader Nigel Farage said it looks terrible.
32:37And he's right.
32:38The arm's too low.
32:39He's grinning.
32:41And where's his swastika?
32:42When did Nazis get so sloppy?
32:45Chancellor Rachel Reeves has indicated that millions of households will get no help from
32:50the government to pay soaring energy bills.
32:53Thanks, bitch.
32:58A US congressman has made a direct plea to Sarah Ferguson to testify about her close personal
33:04and business ties to Jeffrey Epstein.
33:06But to be fair to Fergie, she does have a full diary.
33:13Reports have revealed that in the upcoming musical adaptation of Trainspotting,
33:18the main character will be addicted not only to heroin, but also to social media.
33:24The show will premiere in July and is being directed by your year 11 drama teacher.
33:31Leonid Ravinsky, the owner of OnlyFans, has died.
33:34So gentlemen, when you're visiting the site this week, lower your penises to half mass.
33:41Beautiful funeral, by the way.
33:43Wasn't a dry tissue in the house.
33:47And now, it seems like the whole world is at war.
33:50Russia and Ukraine, the Middle East, Chapel Rhone and that tiny girl.
33:55And by the way, it was actually Sabrina Carpenter's bodyguard.
33:58But anyway, war.
34:00We could just keep making jokes about it.
34:02But first, we do want to check.
34:04Are you okay?
34:10This is Hand in Hand with Anya and Pad.
34:14We're here to tell you that it's going to be okay.
34:16Because we've got each other.
34:18World War III.
34:19Sounds scary, huh?
34:20But we've already had two.
34:24And don't they say good things come in threes?
34:27Good things can come from war.
34:29Antibiotics, jet engines, something to talk to your dad about.
34:33If London gets bombed, house prices will drop.
34:37And so will house numbers.
34:39We'll all get to live across the two houses that are left.
34:42Like in Friends.
34:44It might sound scary to have missiles rain down on us.
34:47But look on the bright side.
34:49Stephen Bartlett might get his face blown off.
34:55And who's to say we won't come out on top?
34:58As a nation, we've beaten them all.
34:59The French, the Germans, foot and mouth.
35:02And sure, the bad guys might win and we end up speaking Ukrainian.
35:10But don't worry.
35:11We're in this together.
35:13We've got you.
35:14We've got each other.
35:15This has been Hand in Hand with Paddy and Anya.
35:25Research has found that pregnant women on the tube have to stand for an average of five stops before being
35:32offered a seat.
35:32It seems like a bit of social, basic social etiquette.
35:35But please, if you're watching men, wear a condom.
35:40Look's Maxine influencer Clavicula has been arrested.
35:43And I'm sure he has no regrets about dedicating his life to making himself look like a beautiful young boy
35:48right before he was taken to jail.
35:53The former Tory justice minister, Crispin Blunt, has admitted to hosting chem sex parties and has been fined £1,200
36:02for possessing illegal drugs, including crystal meth and the sedative GBL.
36:07I have to say, he looks surprisingly grumpy for someone who loves being jacked up on meth.
36:14Blunt told the court that he got involved in the chem sex party scene to help inform government policy.
36:21Blunt is set to publish his research in a parliamentary advisory paper entitled,
36:25Oh, my God, guys, you have to try chem sex.
36:29In his speech to the court, Blunt called for all drugs to be legalised.
36:33But he acknowledged that the chem sex lifestyle did carry risks.
36:37Like coming so hard you drop your poppers.
36:41Trust me, it happens.
36:43In lighter news, the town of Grantham in Lincolnshire has announced that it's reviving its medieval onion fair.
36:50The event on October 10th will see onion tastings, onion themed street food, onion flavoured drinks and an onion eating
36:57competition.
36:58So if you're looking for something fun to do on October 10th, why not avoid Grantham?
37:05An AI generated military influencer and foot fetish model has reached over a million followers on Instagram.
37:12There she is in her military grade stilettos.
37:16Honestly, what kind of a sad, sexually frustrated loser would sit alone fantasising about her for hours in my bedroom
37:23last night?
37:25A new documentary reveals K-pop group BTS struggled to return to music after mandatory military service.
37:32So, did the stress of this overstimulate Jimin, causing Sunflower spillover and micro snaps towards Jungkook?
37:39And what now?
37:40Will V's whimsical detours cause the deep thinker RM to become overprotective?
37:44And what about the pushball duo of Suga and J-Hope?
37:47Can Jin be the quiet stabiliser, anchoring Jungkook with micro bubble maintenance?
37:51Or will V use his whimsy shield to offset bubble drift and soften Jin in with mirror gestures?
37:57No idea.
37:59I haven't even heard of BTS.
38:03A new report has said that birth rates in the UK are falling, and for a change, us girls are
38:08getting the blame for it.
38:10Reform's Matt Goodwin has said that the problem is women having children too late in life.
38:16You know who I wish left having a baby till it was too late in life, Matt Goodwin?
38:20Your mum.
38:22Here to discuss the ins and outs, please welcome our own fertility expert and cast member, Ayo Adi Bamboye!
38:28Thank you. Thank you for having me. Thank you.
38:33So, Ayo Adi, you're here to explain why you think birth rates are plummeting?
38:38Yes, and the media would have you thinking that this is a complex issue, but it's actually quite simple.
38:43We're not being honest about what the real problem is here.
38:46Uh, women not wanting to have babies?
38:48Women not wanting to have babies with men like you.
38:52Like me? How is this my fault?
38:54Paddy, no one looks at you and thinks yes. Your genes must be preserved for the next generation.
39:00What's wrong with old pads?
39:01When was the last time you changed your bedding? Can you drive? Have you drunk water today?
39:06I had a shower.
39:07How is he going to impregnate anyone?
39:10He's completely dehydrated. His sperm probably looks like dusty oak.
39:14Wait, wait a second.
39:15What if I told you that most women actually want to have children?
39:19And I'm going to have to say the quiet part out loud.
39:21The fact of the matter is men are very, very difficult to be around.
39:27Anya, have you watched a man eat?
39:31It's not good.
39:32It's so scary.
39:34This generation of men just aren't up to it.
39:37They're easily overwhelmed.
39:38Some even have the audacity to grow a moustache.
39:42Moustache is for men with full driving license.
39:46So, what is your solution to a generation of women being repulsed by the idea of having my children?
39:51I'm so glad you asked. To me, we have two options. We bank the sperm of the gays, the practicing
39:56gays to be exact.
39:58And we just use that, yes.
40:00Or we milk three to five high-value males whose seed would actually be useful to us.
40:07So, for example, people like Martin Lewis, money-saving expert.
40:11Yes!
40:13Ayoade, we can't milk Martin Lewis. We need him on the front line.
40:16To be fair, you're right. You're right. We can't lose our strongest soldier.
40:20Thank you, Jordan, and us fertility expert Ayoade Bamboye, everybody.
40:25Can we come back, mate? I'm Paddy Young.
40:27And I'm Andrew Magliano. Good night.
40:29I'm Andrew Magliano. Good night.
41:03Please! I can't do it anymore! Please!
41:06You're coming with me!
41:07Please!
41:14This ain't right.
41:17This ain't right!
41:19My damn for crap's sake!
41:20If they hear you, it'll be lessons for all of us.
41:23You. What is it we do here?
41:25I can't. I can't!
41:27I need to hear you say it!
41:28What is it we do here?
41:31You know when you open a hot wrap from Pret or McDonald's.
41:35And part of the wrap sticks to the inside of the packet.
41:38So when you take it out, the whole wrap completely falls apart.
41:41We're the people who glued down that bit of a wrap!
41:50I can't do this anymore.
41:54It ain't right.
41:59Glue in all day.
42:01Glue in all night.
42:03Glue in wraps!
42:07Will they join my fight?
42:13Oh, God!
42:15Here, Arketer!
42:16The people's princess!
42:18Seen her kind before, haven't we, Marty?
42:21Brave!
42:22Rebellious!
42:23Doesn't understand the wrap-gluing thing!
42:27Pipe down, little girl.
42:29You ain't got a clue.
42:31Shut that shiny mouth of yours.
42:33You ain't too much a clue.
42:35We like things how we like them.
42:37We're never so scared of change.
42:40Being alive is suffering.
42:41We exist to remind you of that.
42:46But would it be so bad if the wraps came out in one piece?
42:51Face facts, Freckles.
42:53It's rotten work, but someone's got to do it.
42:56Do they, though?
42:59Do I smell unglued wraps?
43:02Quick!
43:03It's a pullman!
43:08I am a man and that is good to run this factory.
43:13My wife is dead.
43:15I hate the poor.
43:16And I'm the mayor.
43:21Well, well, well.
43:23If it ain't my stinky little workforce
43:26with their horrible faces
43:28living their miserable lives.
43:31Oh.
43:32Doing exactly what they're told, I'm sure.
43:37Huh.
43:41Who is responsible for this?
43:46I said, who is responsible for this?
43:54Tired, sweetheart.
43:56Cream crack it from glue and wraps.
44:00Oh.
44:01You've got to always work in my other factory.
44:04When we stick through polos together
44:06so they can deal into one weird cylinder.
44:13Tired.
44:15I'm not tired.
44:17I'm the opposite of tired, whatever that is.
44:21In fact, I'm just getting started.
44:25Stop her!
44:28Please, can't you see why we're here?
44:30We are ruining the lunches of innocent folk.
44:33We mustn't turn our backs on the packs
44:35of the people on the street
44:36who need us the most.
44:38We can't.
44:39You with the glue, which is true.
44:40What I'm saying will stop sticking in your brain.
44:42You're not listening.
44:43Same old story being said.
44:45Try your rap instead.
44:46Bad luck, it's stuck.
44:49We can't give up, my friend.
45:00She's right.
45:01I joined the fight.
45:03Me too.
45:04And me.
45:05She'll set us free a new life.
45:07No strife.
45:08Also, how is this a job?
45:13Get off me.
45:14I said get off me.
45:16He's going to walk into the furnace.
45:18No one will be even touching him.
45:19It's the power of the song.
45:21Curse you, you bloody little bitch.
45:34Wow.
45:37His reign of terror is over.
45:41People of the factory, what glues down wraps?
45:45We're finally free to get new jobs
45:48in an Amazon warehouse.
45:50Yes!
45:52Oh, yeah, yeah.
45:59I'm Ollie Doggy.
46:01And I'm Natty Doggy.
46:02And we are the V-Cruals.
46:04Growing up, we never had much,
46:06but there was always two things we could rely on.
46:08Our lovely Nanny Sue and her legendary Beans on Toast.
46:13Four years ago, our beautiful Nanny Sue
46:15took out our life savings
46:16so that we could follow our dreams
46:17and open our very own food truck.
46:21And since then, we've sold over 50 million beans
46:24to happy customers up and down the country.
46:27We owe everything we have to our dear Nanny Sue
46:30and our kick-ass secret recipe.
46:32And before you ask,
46:34aye, our Nanny Sue is that Sue Duggan.
46:37Recently dubbed a toxic widow
46:38because last week,
46:39she was convicted of injecting a bus full of children
46:42with hepatitis C.
46:46And before you ask,
46:47no, we don't know why she did it.
46:49And before you ask,
46:51yes, we have cut ties with our Nanny Sue completely.
46:54We're opening our first real restaurant tomorrow
46:57and the timing could not be worse.
47:01We've got classic beans,
47:02we've got Nashville barbecue beans,
47:04we've got Thai bean curry beans.
47:06And before you ask,
47:07no, the beans will not give you hepatitis.
47:10And before you ask,
47:11yes, some of the children are still in comas.
47:14Also, before you ask,
47:16yes, we are both considering chemical castration
47:19just to make sure the evil in our bloodline dies with us.
47:27We also do chicken wings.
47:30At Greensboro's there are three things we are passionate about.
47:33Big flavours, good vibes,
47:35and a Tony for the sins of our wicked family.
47:38That's why we've partnered with a local charity
47:39that helps rehabilitate grandmothers convicted
47:42of serious violent crime.
47:43This is Jenny.
47:45She cut the brakes on her daughter-in-law's Vauxhall Corsa.
47:48Sandra posted a letter bomb to her next-door neighbour
47:50because they left their Christmas lights up too long.
47:54Deborah threw acid at an Uber driver.
47:57Before you ask,
47:58yes, it was racially motivated.
48:02Fuck.
48:03Fuck!
48:03This is hell!
48:05Oh, I didn't realise we had to do it ourselves.
48:07So come on down to Beansbro's
48:09because those kids are not coming back
48:11and we don't want to go to hell!
48:19Once again, Wolf Ellis!
48:28It really, really made the room sing
48:32The way you said my name
48:38Like you could not believe I'd be here
48:43Though our friends are all the same
48:48I wanted you to walk on over
48:52But you turned and went the other way
48:57I followed you around the corner
49:03And I'll always picture you this way
49:06Beating against the wall
49:12You put my world, you just love them all
49:22You put my name up in love
49:31You put my name up in love
49:52Is love our greatest performance?
49:56I thought as you spun me around
50:01Perfect displays of affection
50:06Well it takes two so there's always a crowd
50:11I don't so you will watch me
50:15That doesn't hurt my pride
50:20I like the thrill of night before me
50:25My music, courage, all my fun
50:29You're leaning against the wall
50:35You put my word in slumber
50:46You put my name out in love
50:54Because
50:56Doesn't anybody know you are denying you
51:02It's nothing for nothing
51:17Doesn't anybody love you more than I do
51:22Isn't anyone my fear
51:28Isn't anyone my fear
51:32Isn't anyone my fear
51:33I'm in love
51:38I'm in love
51:43I'm in love
51:47I'm in love
51:57I'm in love
52:29I'm in love
52:46Oh, right, home time I think
52:47Oh, sorry, I've been trying to keep my cool all night
52:52But I'm such a huge fan of yours
52:54I can't believe ex-international rugby player Jason Robertson
52:57OBE is actually dating my best, my wife's best friend
53:02Oh, yeah, thanks
53:03You know, I have to say I was quite good at rugby myself
53:08Oh, yeah
53:09Yeah, yeah, yeah, no, I probably could have gone pro if it wasn't for my
53:12Oh, no, no, no, please, please don't say knee
53:15I hate that
53:17Do you know how many people come up to me and say
53:18Oh, I could have gone pro if it weren't for my knee
53:20No, you couldn't go pro because you weren't good enough
53:25No, I was
53:27It wasn't actually my knee
53:29I had a different, um, like a rare condition
53:32What condition?
53:36Uh, uh, one sec, I'm just gonna get another drink
53:39All right
53:41Did he finally mention the rugby?
53:42Yeah, big time
53:43Oh, he loves it so much, bless him
53:45Did he freak out?
53:46Oh, no, no, he was going on about how he could have gone pro if it weren't for his condition
53:50Oh, he's what?
53:52No
53:53Babe, sorry, can I see you in the kitchen for a second?
53:55Yeah
53:55Yeah
53:57What's up?
53:59Uh, I've gone and bloody cut my balls off and super glued them onto my hips, haven't I?
54:05LAUGHTER
54:10You've what?
54:13LAUGHTER
54:15I've cut off my balls and stuck them to my hips
54:18But part of that, don't you understand?
54:22Why?
54:24I panicked, I panicked
54:25I needed a serious condition, otherwise he's not gonna like me
54:30He's gonna, he's gonna think I'm just one of those, like
54:32I could have been a pro if it wasn't for my knee guys
54:35You are that
54:37Please!
54:37This is my last chance to be friends with a genuine rugby player
54:40Just let me have this
54:43Fine
54:43Fine
54:49Does anyone want more wine?
54:52Cos I need a drink
54:55You alright, mate?
54:56Yeah
54:59He's, um, he's got this rare condition and, er, he's just flaring up
55:04Don't be ashamed, Jonathan, show them
55:08Yeah, er
55:14Whoa, what the fuck?
55:16Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa
55:20Yeah, I was, um, I was born with it
55:23It's called, um, it's called scrotumus hip-tumums
55:29Oh, what, how did that stop you playing?
55:33It's a great question
55:34Um, everything was going great, you know, I kept it sort of hidden until I was about 15 and then
55:41Then my balls dropped
55:43And, er, it became a problem during, er, line-outs, you know, so, so painful, you know, getting picked up
55:49from my waist, like, crushing my balls, so
55:52Um, yeah, oh, and, um, during scrums, yeah, the scrums, the lads would, you know, they'd have their ear pressed
55:58against, you know, eating my balls
56:02Whoa, wow, I'm not gonna lie, it would be hard to go pro with those
56:09You'd be in the showers looking like a, like a sparsely decorated Christmas tree
56:14Sorry, sorry, mate, sorry, mate
56:15That was above the belt
56:18No, no, I respect when you struggle, man
56:20Is he good, yeah?
56:23Yeah, he's fine
56:24All right, well, see you at work, so
56:26Great to see you, Jason
56:27Let yourselves out
56:28Bye, Jason, man
56:35Oh, my God
56:37Oh, so, so just asked if Jason can have your number
56:41Yes, yes
56:43Well done
56:44Oh, my balls, oh
57:03Wow, my biggest thanks to Wolf Ellis, the crystal guy
57:06Huge thank you to the cast, the writers, everyone working on the show for making such a great week
57:11Good night
57:14Thank you
57:20Thank you
57:55Thank you
57:58Thank you
58:27Thank you
58:30You
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