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00:02so this is it the first day of chuckle vision just imagine me own programs own scripts own
00:09staff own staff yeah you oh i've never been staffed before oh it's a very responsible job is it yes
00:14and who knows after this the sky's the limit well what's the first show about then well what do you
00:18think at this time of day well it's a breakfast time show isn't it yeah and guess what what i'm
00:24presenting it great can you cook then why the breakfast no you haven't got it at all have
00:30you look you'll run along while i get on with it
00:32chuck chuckle vision chuckle vision chuck chuckle vision
01:04good morning it's very early it's saturday and it's breakfast time right here we are
01:11i've done your eggs just as you like them and i've done you some soldiers as well what for to
01:15dip in
01:15your egg no i mean what's all the breakfast for it's breakfast time not that kind of breakfast
01:20take it away okay can't i do anything no i don't need any help what about the cameras and the
01:30lights
01:31and everything oh it all works automatically automatically look you see all these buttons
01:34here yeah i just press a button and everything happens automatically great what about the red
01:39one over there never touch that red button whatever you do don't touch that red button oh well can't i
01:44do anything yes i'll tell you what you can do what you can go and get me a nice comfy
01:48settee for my
01:48interviews right right right and now for a special report from our roving reporter thanks frank well
01:57as promised here we are in the heart of liverpool city centre and even though it's great and even though
02:03it's very very early in the morning as you can see there's still lots of crowds hustling
02:07and bustling all around me
02:09you can see there's still lots of people out there now
02:10you can see there's still lots of people out there now
02:13oh that's this
02:20oh
02:24oh
02:25oh
02:26oh
02:28oh
02:29oh
02:29oh
02:29oh
02:30oh
02:31oh
02:31oh
02:31oh
02:32oh
02:32oh
02:32oh
02:33oh
02:33oh
02:35oh
02:35oh
02:35oh
02:36oh
02:37oh
02:52Oh, my God.
03:26I don't know what Paul's going to say now.
03:28Oh, my God.
03:37Here at last.
03:38I'd better tidy this up, otherwise Paul will know there's something wrong.
03:43That's it.
03:55Oh, can you give us a hand?
03:57What, a hand?
03:58Yes, please.
03:59Oh, yes, certainly.
03:59I'll take this.
04:00Just bring it over here.
04:02Thanks.
04:04Come on, come on, bring it right in here.
04:06That's it, right by my chair.
04:07Right.
04:08That's it, have you got it?
04:09That's it, just a touch further.
04:10That'll do, lovely.
04:11That'll do.
04:11What do you think?
04:12Well, let's have a look then.
04:13Just a minute.
04:15What's this doing here?
04:16Do you know what this is?
04:17Looks like a piece of paper.
04:19Yeah, it's a piece of paper, but it's a schedule.
04:21Schedule?
04:21What does that do then?
04:22Well, this tells us what's in the programme.
04:23What's going on and what's going to happen and where.
04:25Oh.
04:25Look, here, Wayne Sleep's coming in later.
04:28Oh, well, I'd better call the vet then.
04:30What for?
04:30For the lame sheep.
04:31Not lame sheep, Wayne Sleep.
04:34Oh, you mean?
04:35Yeah, that's him, that's him, yeah.
04:37And then there's Elton John.
04:38It's a shame about all these animals, isn't it?
04:40What are you talking about?
04:41Well, you said his elephant's gone.
04:42Not elephant's gone, Elton John.
04:44Oh.
04:45Oh, there's a phone.
04:46Go and answer it.
04:46Can I answer it?
04:47Yeah, you answer it.
04:48Great.
04:50Hello?
04:53Oh, OK.
04:54Who was it?
04:55Wayne Sleep.
04:56He's overslept.
04:57Oh, no.
04:58Yes.
04:58Well, let's take a look at the latest videos.
05:04They're very nice, aren't they?
05:05Very nice.
05:06Very nice, yeah.
05:06Now, let's go over to the weather room.
05:09The weather room.
05:16Now, first of all, let's take a look at the satellite picture taken at 3 o'clock this morning.
05:23As you can see, it was very dark at 3 o'clock this morning, so let's take a closer look
05:27at the overall weather picture.
05:32Good.
05:32Good.
05:33Now, first of all, you'll find this morning there's lots of cloud all over Scotland.
05:40That's not Scotland.
05:41Is it?
05:42That's Ireland.
05:42Scotland's up here.
05:43Don't worry about it.
05:44I'll rub it out.
05:45Oh, right, right.
05:45Yes, there'll be cloud over Scotland, but the main details will be the rain.
05:50Lots of lashing rain all over the south of England.
05:53It'll be quite cold there, too, and you'll probably find there's some hailstones, and they could be as large as
05:57this.
05:58I'd been...
05:59How big?
05:59About that size.
06:00All right.
06:01Yes, I'd been in amongst this hailstone, and it's not very nice.
06:03But don't worry, because by lunchtime, this will clear completely, and it'll be quite nice this afternoon there.
06:09Now, the depression that's been hanging all over the country for weeks, and that fog, doesn't it get into your
06:15bones?
06:15Don't like it at all.
06:17But don't worry, too, because this afternoon, that will clear completely, and the sun will come out, and it'll be
06:22really, really bright.
06:23Gorgeous day for going to the beach.
06:25Now, by midnight tonight, you'll find the overall weather picture will look something like this.
06:32As you can see, by midnight tonight, it'll be dark again.
06:36But don't forget, later on in the studio, Elton John will be joining us.
06:40But right now, it's over to Morning Story and Armchair Theatre.
06:46You've not pressed the button.
06:47Oh, no.
06:52Armchair Theatre.
06:53And not the red one.
06:59Elm Street lies between Woodside School and the park, and that's where you'll find Sim Tolland, Ginger Jones, and the
07:05Elm Street children, or the Elm Street lot, as Woodside calls them.
07:10Now, the Elm Street lot don't go round looking for trouble, of course, but sometimes it finds them.
07:16And they certainly found them the day that Mr Crackenthorpe's bath was delivered.
07:20Not all the houses in Elm Street have a bath, though the council would like them everywhere.
07:25Mr Crackenthorpe hates the council.
07:27He said, I'll have my bathroom the way I want my bathroom to be.
07:31Thank you very much.
07:33And she went out and bought a bathroom, goodness knows where, a second-hand one as well.
07:39It was a half day at Woodside School when the bath was delivered, and all the Elm Street lot were
07:44there to see it.
07:45It was a particularly large bath, because Mrs Crackenthorpe was particularly large.
07:52But Mr Crackenthorpe said, I'll have Mrs Crackenthorpe in that bath, and out of that bath, even if I have
07:58to buy a hoist.
08:01Unfortunately, the Crackenthorpe's door was very narrow, and the bath was certainly very wide.
08:07And it just wouldn't go in, despite the Elm Street lot's cheering, the men's trying, and Mr Crackenthorpe's jumping about
08:14and dancing and saying,
08:15I'll have the Lord on the lot here if these goods aren't delivered!
08:18In the end, the lorry driver's mate got fed up, and they dumped it in the garden.
08:22And there it lay for all to see.
08:27The Elm Street lot couldn't resist it.
08:29First of all, Johnny and Kitty Bates got into it.
08:31That was when, of course, the new Mr Crackenthorpe was out shopping.
08:34They pretended it was a boat, and they began to row it with all kinds of sticks and things.
08:38Then all the other children joined in, and they became a whole crew of galley slaves, rowing across the ocean.
08:44Then it began to rain, and they pretended that the boat was leaking, and they had to get the bilge
08:48water out with yoghurt cartons.
08:51But just then, Mr Crackenthorpe came back suddenly from the shops, and the Elm Street lot ran for the lives.
08:57And then the bath disappeared.
09:00It was there in the morning when the Elm Street lot went to school.
09:03It was there at midday when they came back for the dinner.
09:05But sometime during the dinner hour, it vanished.
09:09Of course, Mr Crackenthorpe said, the Elm Street lot have stolen it.
09:12But every one of them knew that they hadn't.
09:15But when they came out of school that afternoon, old Mrs Crackenthorpe came waddling towards them to ask them, no,
09:22to implore them, please return the bath.
09:26And she started crying.
09:27And it was those tears, because Mrs Crackenthorpe was a nice old lady, really, and everybody who felt sorry for
09:33her, that decided Sim Tolland.
09:37And he drew the Elm Street lot around him, and he said, detect.
09:43The only trouble was, there was nothing for the detectives to go on.
09:47You see, every house in Elm Street had its kitchen at the back of the house.
09:51And that's where everybody was sitting, having the dinner, at the time the bath must have disappeared.
09:56The only exception was little Jimmy Clegg, who got out of his chair in Mrs Clegg's front room and ran
10:03to the window.
10:05When Sim questioned him and asked him if he'd seen anything, he got all scared and flustered.
10:09And all he could say was, clip-clop, clip-clop, clip-clop, which was his impression of a horse.
10:17There was only one other clue to go on, a roundish, damp patch on the road outside the Crackenthorpe's house.
10:24Kitty Bates measured the patch with a tape.
10:27It was 18 inches across, and it seemed that there was nothing more that could be done about it.
10:32And then Ginger Jones decided to have a sniff.
10:37Oh! It's dung, he said. Horse dung.
10:42The answering lot were baffled.
10:45What horse or horses?
10:47And who would have removed the droppings so neatly?
10:51And why?
10:53And then someone said, Miss Munson.
10:56Now, little Miss Munson was a bit balmy about her garden.
10:59And she was well known for going out and collecting all kinds of droppings and compost to use as fertiliser.
11:06Every time a rag and bone cart went past, Miss Munson would be out there with her little shovel to
11:11collect all the droppings.
11:13And then everyone realised where their detection had led them.
11:16For the rag and bone cart was also the scrap iron cart.
11:23Miss Munson admitted that she'd heard horses' hooves and that she'd seen horse droppings and the horse and cart and
11:30the Crackenthorpe's bath being driven down the road on it.
11:33But she'd just collected her horse droppings and said nothing.
11:37She didn't want to have any trouble.
11:39So, Jimmy Clegg was right.
11:42He'd seen what Miss Munson's seen and he'd heard what Miss Munson heard.
11:46But he's only a little boy.
11:48That evening, Sim Tolland got his big brother Bert and the rest of the Elm Street lot and went down
11:54to the local scrapyard.
11:56Sim climbed on big brother Bert's shoulders and looked over the wall.
12:01And sure enough, there in the middle of the yard, looking as splendid as ever, was the bath.
12:08And sitting next to it, on a broken down old couch, was the rag and bone man.
12:14Oi! said Sim over the wall.
12:17Who's that? Get away! This is private property! said the rag and bone man.
12:22What did he say? asked Bert.
12:25Who's that with you? Who's that with you? said the rag and bone man.
12:30It's my big brother and all the Elm Street lot.
12:33And at that, the Elm Street lot all stamped their feet to show that they were really there.
12:38Nice bath! Sim continued.
12:41Our Mr. Crackenthorpe's lost a very valuable bath like that.
12:45He's down at the police station this minute.
12:48This isn't a valuable bath! said the rag and bone man.
12:52In fact, it's no good to us at all. It just takes up valuable space.
12:56In fact, I was thinking about taking and leaving it exactly back where I found it.
13:02What did he say? asked Bert.
13:05He said he's returning the bath! said Sim.
13:09And at that, the Elm Street lot all stamped their feet in triumph.
13:15Nobody ever knew for certain whether the rag and bone man had thought the bath was left out,
13:20whether he'd taken it because he thought there was no one looking.
13:24All we know is that very late, that very same night, it was left exactly where it was taken from.
13:32Mr. Crackenthorpe wasn't very happy about his bath disappearing and appearing like that in his own front garden.
13:38And so, he was quite civil when Mr. Clegg, Mr. Badona and Bert Tolland appeared and they said,
13:44Hey Crackers, we'll take out your front window and we'll put your bath in that way.
13:50So, that was that.
13:51But someone must have told Mr. Crackenthorpe something.
13:54Because one day, when the coast was clear,
13:57she went down to see Sim Tolland and Elm Street lot
13:59and she gave them a great big bag of jelly babies.
14:03And as far as I know, Mr. Crackenthorpe never did buy a hoist
14:07to get Mrs. Crackenthorpe out of the bath.
14:10Maybe he couldn't get one that was strong enough.
14:17That's it, that's it.
14:18All the best breakfast shows have a nice comfortable settee, you know.
14:21I know, I know.
14:21Are you sure this coffee maker's working?
14:24Yes, it's fine.
14:24Oh yeah, that's fine, that's fine.
14:25Good.
14:26Yeah, it's nice and comfortable, this settee, isn't it?
14:28Of course it is.
14:28Right, I'll just try it out.
14:29Oh, there's no need to do that because I tried it at the shop before I got it.
14:32Ah yeah, you might have done, but I want to see what it's like for me guests, you see.
14:35Yeah, but...
14:36Oh, it's not comfortable at all.
14:37What?
14:38Oh, no wonder.
14:39I'm sitting on the schedule.
14:40What was that doing there?
14:41Right.
14:42I'll try it now, I don't...
14:44It's still not comfortable.
14:46What's this newspaper doing here?
14:48That shouldn't be there either.
14:50I'll try it now.
14:50Hey, I thought you were going to sit in the armchair.
14:52Oh, no, no.
14:53I sit in the armchair while I'm doing my interviews, but my guests all sit here, you see.
14:56I want to see how comfortable it is.
14:57But don't you show you don't...
14:58Just stand out in the way, I'm going to try it.
15:02Oh!
15:03Oh!
15:04Traffic report!
15:05Go press a button.
15:06Oh, right.
15:07Don't touch the red one!
15:09Oh, hello.
15:10This is me yesterday.
15:12Today's traffic report concerns something that is irritating to all motorists, traffic cones.
15:17Yeah, Paul.
15:17Now, what...
15:18I've got one for you and one for me.
15:19Oh, thanks.
15:19I've given you the one with a bit of chocolate in.
15:21Well, that's very nice of you.
15:22Very nice of you.
15:23Now, we're here today to investigate...
15:26We're here today to investigate the manufacture of these strange items of traffic furniture.
15:31Just a minute.
15:32What did you get me this for?
15:34Well, you said we were doing something about cones.
15:36Not this kind of cone.
15:37Traffic cones.
15:39Well, I thought it was a bit odd when you said line them up along the road.
15:41You haven't.
15:42I have.
15:48So it's back to the studio tomorrow for some up-to-the-minute traffic news.
15:54As you can see, traffic in town is held up, but help is at hand.
16:00And now, over to our foreign correspondent in Paris.
16:06I'm not in Paris.
16:08And I'm not foreign.
16:10However, I do have a foreign paper here, so I suppose while I'm here and we can get on with
16:15it,
16:15I'll do a little trick with a foreign paper.
16:17The old famed French torn and restored paper routine.
16:21If you can speak French, remember a word of French from the paper.
16:25If you can't speak French, do as I do and just look at the pictures.
16:29Flick through the paper, showing you all the way through.
16:31And here we go with the tearing routine.
16:34Got to be a bit strong for this, the old.
16:39That's four pieces.
16:41See if my maths is as good as my French here.
16:45That's eight pieces, or eight and a half pieces.
16:48A little bit more tearing.
16:49Let's just really get into this.
16:56Retrieves bits from floor, because otherwise it wouldn't all go back together properly.
17:00As we say, this is the famed torn and restored French paper trick.
17:05And there we are, chaps.
17:06Back in the studio, you can see that that paper is now fully restored.
17:10If you don't believe me, well, have a look for yourselves.
17:15One French paper fully put back together.
17:20Well, I think, meanwhile, it's time for me to get on with my reading and back to the studio.
17:27What's next?
17:28Elton John coming in to go through the papers.
17:31No, he's not.
17:32What do you mean he's not?
17:33He rang earlier and he's had his papers delivered to his house this morning, so he doesn't need to borrow
17:36ours now, you see.
17:37Oh, dear.
17:38Oh, well, we're joined right at this minute on the sofa by Wayne Slee.
17:46Look.
17:47Hey.
17:47This is the plan, right?
17:49Now, this is the questions for Elton John, right?
17:51Over here, I've got the answers, all in order.
17:54You read them out.
17:56And don't forget these.
17:57Just go and sit behind the settee, nobody will know the difference.
18:01Will it work?
18:02Of course it'll work.
18:03He knows.
18:06You won't touch these, Wayne, will you?
18:08Good.
18:14Welcome back.
18:15Our special guest today is Elton John.
18:17Perhaps most well-known for numbers like goodbye yellow candle in the wind and don't go breaking my brick.
18:23Good morning, Elton.
18:241971.
18:25Yes.
18:26Well, tell me, what first attracted you to the world of pop music?
18:29Being chairman of Watford Football Club.
18:32Eh?
18:34Oh, I see.
18:35Well, when did you first see Watford play?
18:38At a concert in Moscow with a piano and a five-piece band.
18:41Well, out of all your recordings, what was your favourite number?
18:44Number nine, a great centre-forward.
18:46Psst!
18:46Hey!
18:47You've got all the answers the wrong way around.
18:49I know, but if I turn them around, I can't read the writing.
18:51Oh.
18:52Well, in that case, I'm sorry, that's all we've got time for this morning, and it's back to the desk.
18:58Oh, that's me.
19:02Well, that's it for another week.
19:04Another week.
19:06We hope you enjoyed our special guests, Elton John and Wayne Sleep.
19:11It's a picture of the sheep couldn't come, though, isn't it?
19:13It is, really.
19:14But it went well, didn't it?
19:15It went well.
19:15I thought it went well, yeah.
19:16Well, a last quick look at the clock.
19:20Still there.
19:21Until next week, then, goodbye.
19:23Goodbye.
19:28Why don't you try this one?
19:29No, don't touch the red button.
19:30No, don't touch the red button.
19:36No, don't touch the red button.