- 3 hours ago
LOL: Last One Laughing UK - Season 2 - Episode 05: The Seagull and the Frankfurter
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00:36We've got Bob Mortimer's Joker coming up.
00:39I am so delighted I'm not in that room for this.
00:43We can just enjoy it.
00:44This could be a problem for people.
00:46He's equal to an eye. I fear him.
00:49Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome on stage Mr Graham Lister.
00:54Not ready for this at all.
01:10My name's Graham Lister, ladies and gentlemen.
01:13It's your privilege to be entertained by me this afternoon.
01:16I know doctors, dentists, architects are recently parked in the same park and ride as an anaesthetist.
01:26We're not fucking about here. Do you understand?
01:38Oh no. Don't own goal it, Bob.
01:48It's just loud.
01:53You got a problem, son?
01:56You got a problem, son?
01:57No, absolutely not, no.
01:58Yeah, you got a face like a Dalek's penis.
02:01You don't mind me saying.
02:04I'll have you know my next-door neighbour, but one, yeah, has access to agricultural poisons.
02:16Behave yourself.
02:19I'd like to present for your entertainment an item that I'm calling lard for laughs.
02:26I'll extract two laughs from lard by forcing the lard through the face of Mr Jimmy Carr.
02:38I feel weirdly honoured.
02:41Do you have a problem, son?
02:44No.
02:48Maybe I do.
02:53Oh no.
02:59I will force the lard through Jimmy Carr's face whilst extending the pronunciation of the vowel A.
03:08It's two laughs.
03:31Look at David.
03:35Le A-R-D.
03:41Lard for laughs, ladies and gentlemen.
03:45Oh, Mel's face.
03:46Secondly, for your entertainment, I would like to tell you about a very unusual incident that
03:53occurred at Costco in Croydon.
03:54I was there with my pet seagull, Ruth, shopping for apricots.
04:04We wanted a big catering-sized tin.
04:06We wanted a big catering-sized tin.
04:06Why wouldn't we?
04:07Why wouldn't we want catering-sized?
04:09We love our apricots.
04:11Yes.
04:12I have a keyboard behind here.
04:14I have a keyboard behind here.
04:14It's powered by success, represented by the trophy, obviously.
04:17And nourishment, represented by the mango.
04:22The mango.
04:24The mango.
04:27David, David, is it going?
04:28So, I was with Ruth at Costco to buy the apricots, and we had hot dog each before entering the
04:38shop.
04:39And then, at the far end of the store, that was mango.
04:45At the far end of the store, we spotted a large catering tin of apricots on the top shelf.
04:51It must have been 20 feet.
04:52Can you imagine?
04:5320 feet high.
04:56Let's have some music as they tell you what then occurred.
05:01So, I clambered up on some crates of sunny delight and some Warsaw-packed cases of powdered
05:12milk.
05:13As I clambered up to the top shelf with Ruth on my shoulder, I reached up to the tin of
05:20apricots and sadly fell.
05:22And this song illustrates what occurred during that fall.
05:28Mangoes.
05:29Oh, my God.
05:33Oh!
05:35Ha ha ha!
05:36Ha ha ha!
05:38Ha ha ha!
05:41Ha ha ha!
05:48No!
05:49No!
05:50No!
05:50Ha ha ha!
05:51Ha ha ha!
05:51Do you get me?
05:53Do you get me?
05:55Do you get me?
06:21tricky I think for me the moment when a the Frankfurter came out of the seagull's mouth
06:26coming out of the seagull's mouth that was very difficult who was it okay that was definitely a
06:31laugh I'm okay who knows someone's gone Bob Bobbage oh hey well thanks for watching guys
06:44that was a ruddy privilege well I mean of course Bob took someone out reigning champion and all
06:53doors oh oh no it might be meeting it might be me oh my god you're sitting down like a
07:03human
07:04relax Jimmy that looked incredibly tough that was very difficult is the card red or yellow
07:13let's take a look oh my god this is so tense I would like to tell you about a very
07:19unusual incident
07:21that occurred at Costco in Croydon I was there with my pet seagull Ruth
07:31not Diane okay that's a fair cop oh my god I'm so sorry you've got to come with me oh
07:40my god
07:40I can't Kate bye bye everyone bye see you Diane well hey Diane doors I mean that was harsh you
07:48did very very well I'm glad it was Bob that took me out though yeah that felt pretty special it
07:53seems
07:53fair the seagull called Ruth that's what did it don't know why Ruth is a funny name for a seagull
08:00it's Diane Morgan everyone oh you did so well well done she did laugh oh team five of us left
08:13I had 20 quid on you to win I thought you were just absolutely I thought you were absolutely well
08:19my
08:19money's on Sam look at him he's not laughable in fairness I don't think Sam understands a lot of what
08:24people are saying so it's a red card for Diane and she's out like what's the phrase out like a
08:33hot
08:33dog from a seagull's mouth yeah that's it you'll notice uh that Bemi is not here Bemi isn't feeling
08:39well so she's she's left the control room oh bless her I think uh suppressing laughter is probably
08:47quite hazardous to one's health I mean gutted that I missed the rest of the game but I am feeling
08:52much
08:52better now so let's restart the game oh here we go okay
09:03Maisie who do you think is going to win I think this is Sam's all day all day I mean
09:07Romesh is very
09:08very good at this I think it's going to be Mel I think because Mel's laughing face is rock solid
09:14yeah she can attack because then she just does that yeah yeah do you throw down you get into the
09:21video games what's your relationship with that medium it's passed but very strong at one point
09:26do you remember when the resident evils came out yeah I used to do all the resident evils I once
09:30came
09:31back from a gig everybody was asleep in the house I started playing that and then I got so freaked
09:36out
09:36I didn't even I was too scared to even switch the console off I just left the controller on the
09:40floor
09:40and I went to bed they're getting very comfortable with each other in there so I'm going to send in
09:45the show's intimacy coordinators Natasha and Ellie
09:48I used to like
09:52did anyone else have to enter through a hatch we've been there since 10am there's a door over there
09:59I'm sorry but that's not okay right I'm sorry I feel sick I feel physically sick at that thank you
10:05we're listening and we're focusing thank you we are intimacy coordinators yeah okay do you know what
10:11that is so intimacy coordinators we're hired by the show to come to very toxic work environments a little
10:16bit like this we're here to make sure you're all feeling as safe and comfortable and respected as
10:21possible because we all know tv industry can be a little bit pervy carry on as you are we're just
10:28going
10:28to be floating around and we're going to pick you off one by one to have a little one-on
10:31-one just to see
10:32that you're offering an okay no this is bad this is bad for me they're like two of the most
10:36talented
10:37character performers around you're leaving now but we're actually we're going to start with you
10:42my darling you're okay my love i was in a lot of trouble i was saying to her when i
10:46came in i'm a
10:47giggler i giggle non-stop yeah so i wouldn't last 10 seconds in here but um at the moment i'm
10:54fine
10:54because quite a few of my family members died last week sorry to hear about your family thank you so
11:04much you're the first person that said that's me has he got his parent here they accuse me of being
11:11a child even though i am certainly of edge and have even been to nightclubs we weren't sure that you
11:18might not know what intimacy is um do you know what sex is yeah i think i do just to
11:25sort of let
11:25you know so the scientific explanation is um when one organ one private organ welcomes the other one
11:30within it so um if it's a man and woman the vagina welcomes the penis within it if it's two
11:36men um
11:37the one penis welcomes the other penis within it and if it's two women it's actually more of a pat
11:42amongst less than a welcoming within you're quite both quite close if you don't mind me
11:49is that okay that's okay we want this to feel safe so um first things first from rish and there
11:55are no wrong answers no nothing to be ashamed question number one first nice and simple would
11:59you consider yourself a pervert you think about it well no i don't want to just answer straight
12:10away so i would not consider myself a pervert really okay god i had you down as one of the
12:15dangerous ones interesting okay so on a scale of one to ten how aroused are you right now like two
12:22good that's good that's that's a good answer how about if i do this
12:30is that what is that everything you're doing yeah yeah still two i'd say okay is there any smutty
12:36or naughty language or words you yourself would rather not hear or are offended by
12:39i don't like a lot of the sort of slang terms for female genitalia okay okay well actually
12:46that's interesting because innuendo is actually okay in the workplace it's a fun safe way of
12:51expressing what you think without being too smutty so for me i like to describe my area as the mouth
12:56of a screaming seal
13:01is he going
13:05was that a laugh that was a cough genuinely you weren't covering a laugh with a cough
13:09oh yeah no you have to be honest at this point i'm honest
13:13and you could describe your areas um i don't know cheese baguette wrinkled leather pipe
13:19that's what i'm talking about
13:20gentlemen's factory or dead snake nasty little sword
13:28i'll leave you with that thank you okay that was the closest i came to getting a card without
13:33getting one that was horrific thank you so can we have you please can we have the child here
13:39you okay darling hello it's a funny way of referring to him i must say i know just that
13:43yes that amused me does your mum know you're here yes she does is she okay with that yeah okay
13:51how have you been not good not good not been that hatch for about since 10 30. you've been in
13:56the
13:57hatched the whole time though yeah it's been incredibly dry they've treated us incredibly badly
14:01industry is so barbaric it is exactly and that's why we're here you know i just got asked to host
14:05junior naked attraction no you can't do that that's not okay that's not oh my god he's gonna break
14:13them so has anyone in the house smacked you nothing like that has happened to me and um has jimmy
14:22car touched you in any way he's touched me by staying on top for what is it 40 years in
14:28the
14:28in the business i love that i love that that's touched me david david can we borrow you please
14:37i like sofa chat oh i don't think mel's gonna stand up well to this so we've been observing from
14:43our little hatch quite a lot of sexual tension between you two my mom we thought maybe because
14:47you're two both part of double acts and you're without your other half you've maybe been drawn to
14:51each other in a sexual way we have we we have had sex three or four times okay in the
14:59in the locker
14:59room was it a closed set locker three we used alan's sausage well that we used to drag me into
15:07it
15:08because we know it can be a little bit awkward to discuss sexual fantasies um what's your sexual
15:12fantasy i'd like to know yeah um okay i i don't mind saying this in front of you i don't
15:17mind not
15:18listening older man much much older um the older the better i'd say and i'm in a bowling alley and
15:26we're doing everything but if you understand what that means and um when i climax i shout strike
15:40all right everyone okay we're just gonna wrap up now we've you've done really really well i will
15:46say that studies show that one in three people are perverts so there is at least one or two of
15:51you in
15:51here so good luck yeah can i open up your hatch for you ladies thank you so much if you
15:55wouldn't mind
15:55i think you came through here didn't you yeah thank you so much lovely to see you
16:10sam come back
16:21david can you do geordie absolutely no that is like no way howie give it a gore howie give it
16:29a gore
16:30i'd love to come to geordie with you give it a proper gore let's gun and do the medals for
16:35bob
16:36aye you're right you sound like you're speaking in tongues there mel i've lost it
16:41how are they going to get these to laugh i don't think anyone's going to go yeah okay this might
16:47help
16:47i've got a plan mel they've got oh hello it's the sofa jobs bob david you're going to go head
16:56to
16:57head in a special challenge bob you're going to be david's career advisor you need to get to know him
17:03find out his strengths and weaknesses and try and match him to the perfect job david your life is in
17:09bob's hands please take your places on the stage good luck guys come on team you've got this the game
17:16will start and end when the bell rings you don't mind if i jump on that one tonight sorry come
17:21on sam
17:23how old are you david i'm i'm just 15. you must be very nervous then at that age i am
17:29i'm i did okay
17:30in my gtse's well just relax thank you because i'm your friend trying to you're you're not a careers
17:36advisor yeah but think of me as a friend okay you're a stout lad
17:46have you ever thought of uh working down the shit farm the the shit farm the sewage works oh i
17:54see
17:55yeah because i'm so fat
18:00no because you're stout you think i'd be good for the the work of a of a sewage works does
18:06it appeal to
18:06you in any way whatsoever i'd like to work in the creative industries please i'm a careers officer
18:11i know nothing of the creative industries do you like digging have you ever buried mud
18:21no is it something that interests you though how would you tell where the buried mud
18:26started and the mud you're burying the mud in ended
18:32exactly it's a job that never ends it's a job for life when you were young did you and and
18:38your
18:38mother or father said what would you like to be when you grow what did you say i am young
18:43and i said
18:44to them yesterday i want to work in the creative areas and they said never mind that go and see
18:50this careers advisor and try to think of him as a friend would you like to design tight trousers
19:00oh yes i would actually ah yeah now we're getting somewhere because you know
19:06the uniforms down at the shit farm are getting increasingly tight
19:13are they trying to make the shit farmers appear sexier
19:17a little bit sexier a little bit futuristic but the job's the same and it's a job for life
19:24so i think this has been a great success we'll send you down the ship farm
19:28thank you very much
19:32i mean what do you want what the shit for the head to head with david just talking to david
19:38is quite intimidating and he pulled me up on the accusation that he was stocky
19:45he is stocky let's put that on record if in like if he was in like a medieval army he'd
19:51have been an archer a little stocky archer he knows it anyone for dessert something a bit sweet
19:58what are you offering i've actually made something that's nice i'll get some dessert absolutely
20:05i'm really proud of my biscuits and actually i'd forgotten about them because you do you sort of
20:10forget oh my god i've still got something in the locker thought i've got to get these in subtly and
20:15i think they did actually believe because i just said oh anyone fancy something sweet drama school
20:21training which i don't have i failed to get into drama school oh it's a little something this looks
20:30good little sweetie it's a nice tint they're vegan there's no nuts or anything like that how do you
20:36know i'm going to try because i made them are these yours yeah yeah thank you mel no worries lovies
20:41wait these are for real what do you mean i was sure this was a trick i think so david
20:49yeah those are a bit hairier aren't they some hairier sometimes well sometimes my biscuits can get a bit
20:55hairy what i'd done was three normals on the top then there's a grease proof
21:06paper and then we reveal the hairy biscuits quite a lot of hair there what mel why am i eating
21:13this
21:13that is mattie oh look they're covered in hair oh this one doesn't look so bad no that's quite
21:21hairy what do you think that one's all right i think those are fine i think this one's okay i
21:25think
21:25i can eat round it rom hair free or whiff of a hair i get what you were doing with
21:35the hairy biscuits
21:36but then to actually offer people biscuits and then we start eating them and then underneath
21:41there's a hairy layer i didn't know about that batch had gone a bit wrong i thought romesh was quite
21:46offended by the fact that he'd eaten a biscuit that was adjacent to a hairy biscuit we'll never know
21:52where those hairs came from did you know romesh that alan sugar is actually 30 percent candarell
22:01i don't know bob don't do this to me man we don't do this man none of them are gonna
22:06go are they
22:07is sam ever gonna do his joker he's not done his joker okay all right all right
22:18hello last one laughing uh could you ask sam to do his joker no problem thank you yes yes yes
22:26sam could you do your joker please hey guys get ready you're about to see a show what the hell
22:34could it be he might just pull his teeth out through his arsehole while sam's getting ready
22:39i've got a little surprise what does that mean i don't know romesh please go to the locker room
22:47and open the utilities cupboard hairy biscuit pop do you want one way hairy biscuits or not i do quite
22:58like the look of them actually oh hi romesh no no no come back come back can romesh come to
23:13the
23:13utilities locker and then i do that and then this is jimmy car glory hole looking at me look your
23:19manager won't let me anywhere near you buck i want to pitch you some ideas for shows like you know
23:24how
23:24you're always doing shows with your mum right i just thought it'd be cool if you did a show with
23:28my
23:28mum it's just you sort of traveling around with an urn
23:35i've got another great idea jimmy and romesh is cannon fodder we travel around britain but everywhere
23:41we go we're fired from a cannon what about jimmy and romesh's naked attraction we take off our
23:57clothes let's see if we're attracted to each other oh hello sailor something's going on there i think
24:18something happened in there what the frick that was very intense and quick yeah maybe it all played
24:26out in that room what happened roms i'm done what ah man hello that was bullshit man how's that
24:42bullshit i just had some ideas for shows i mean look can i be honest with you i thought what
24:48happened
24:48to me was unfair there's jokers there's head-to-heads nowhere did it say jimmy car will emerge as a
24:54surprise from a cupboard let's have a look at the replay all right all right last idea right jimmy and
25:00romesh's naked attraction we take off our clothes and see if we're attracted to each other
25:08that's mean oh that's really hard
25:17that's really hard oh dear with the little face in the circle it was like it was like a sniper
25:23it was so out of order yeah oh man rom come with me see you um see you and then
25:31there were four okay
25:32oh my god i'll see you soon yeah yeah see you soon love you brother see you soon take care
25:37good
25:37luck doors good luck see ya come on raj i i fully concede that was a dick move it was
25:44a dick move
25:45i'm going to say this generally jimmy car doesn't like me he's a prick put that in the trailer
25:52oh well done well thank god romesh laughed otherwise i would have been forced into phase
26:06two of the glory hole item okay i think we're all in for a little treat okay yes this is
26:14sam's joker
26:14right it's sam's joker let's restart the game let's laugh please i don't know if we're allowed
26:19let's have a little laugh we're not now we were
26:26can't imagine what you're gonna do honestly i think we could all have a hundred guesses and
26:29none of us would know we're off all is well let's have a damn good laugh yes oh my god
26:38here we go oh my lord hello
26:58now listen here today's the day i've invited father percival around for a cup of tea and i'm going
27:05to have to ask you to behave father percival cup of tea father percival is a man of the cloth
27:11an
27:12important man you're gonna have to keep your beak shut remember last week when i stubbed my toe
27:19i cannot have you repeating any of the foul language i uttered in error as it would make him very
27:26very
27:27shocked promise you must because if father percival were to hear such things i may be moved to another
27:34diocese so you must promise me big shot promise coming father percival now you keep your beak shut and
27:47i'll bring you cuttlefish galore father toby trust you are well what a beautiful word can he speak
27:58not usually he mostly just sits there being very polite god i'm tired i was up all night
28:06fucking these two ladies from the parish
28:11i beg your pardon they both were biddos and they have uh fucking huge bazookas
28:22father percival
28:37i could have watched a bit more of that yeah i could it was brilliant yeah first vicar was fabulous
28:45i nearly went in that one with the first vicar he was very droll i was okay with sam as
28:51a bird
28:52it kind of seemed yeah of course sam's a bird there's nothing unusual nothing to see here really
28:58i like the term bazookas bazookas was excellent well it feels like it's wrong because bazookas are sort of
29:05that they're more phallic aren't they well bosoms that go do such bosoms exist outside yeah yeah they do
29:12would you like to fire like an rpg or bazooka yes i'd like to would you fire a vicar or
29:17a mattress or something i'd fire randomly bob good possibly in the leatherhead area nice
29:29mel's playing mel is not going out without a fight i think mel is a silent assassin yeah i think
29:34she is
29:40so what's this what has been happening i may applaud you though really was that okay i just i hope
29:46it was
29:46okay yeah that's nice you're good as a bird i liked you have good legs oh thanks david not realistically
29:54avian which is a good thing in legs is he on a sedative he's so dazed sam and he's
30:01like one of those pigeons that flies into a patio doors okay we're running out of time i'm going in
30:07you're going in iron man can iron up to 10 shirts in five minutes
30:18doors
30:21we've only got 40 minutes left by that time i thought no one was ever going to laugh again so
30:27we're going to
30:27go sudden death going to sudden death i felt okay this is a proper contest if you laugh you're out
30:33okay oh wow the stakes are high if anyone laughs it's a red card oh god
30:43tune in next week for another crazy episode
30:49do it in a rap way david that was in a rap way
30:54david have you ever dropped a bible you should have asked that six hours ago this thing on
30:59do you want to have a waltz with me bob i don't know what's going on this makes a lot
31:05more sense
31:07it's extremely funny sam's going to try and finish him off it's come down to this
31:12i was like oh you've both played buh-bye an incredible game no oh my god
32:06you
32:16You
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