Taylor Tomlinson: Prodigal Daughter

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00:00:28You

00:00:32You

00:01:09Thank you for coming to this

00:01:10You did not have to

00:01:11AI is getting pretty good

00:01:13It is

00:01:14It's getting way too good

00:01:15I don't trust it

00:01:16My iPhone started

00:01:17Capitalizing the

00:01:18G in God again

00:01:19Without asking me

00:01:20Did that happen to anyone else?

00:01:21Yeah

00:01:21I don't know which update it was

00:01:22But all of a sudden

00:01:23My iPhone's like

00:01:24Did you mean

00:01:24King of Kings?

00:01:27The robots are coming

00:01:28And they love the Lord

00:01:30Are you guys worried

00:01:31About the robots?

00:01:33You concerned?

00:01:33Yeah

00:01:34Have you looked at the people

00:01:36In your life?

00:01:37Your friends

00:01:37Your family

00:01:38And then back at yourself

00:01:39And gone

00:01:40Uh oh

00:01:43I'm gonna be the one

00:01:45Who falls in love

00:01:45With a robot

00:01:47Have you been honest with you?

00:01:49It's okay

00:01:49It's gonna be me

00:01:50That's why I don't use

00:01:51Chat GPT

00:01:52I'm not ready for a relationship

00:01:55And I'm holding strong now

00:01:56But in a few years

00:01:57When robot partners

00:01:58Are available at like

00:01:59Best Buy

00:02:00Yeah

00:02:00It's gonna be me

00:02:02Drunk at the dinner party

00:02:03Defending my robot husband

00:02:05To all my friends

00:02:06Like

00:02:06Oh I'm sorry

00:02:07What if it is a soul

00:02:09You guys

00:02:10Can you define it?

00:02:12That's what I thought

00:02:12Also I've met

00:02:13Your lame ass husband

00:02:14Chelsea

00:02:15Don't try to tell me

00:02:16You don't plug his ass

00:02:17In at night

00:02:18Okay

00:02:19Oh

00:02:19Oh it's a CPAP machine

00:02:21He'll die

00:02:21Whatever

00:02:22His stories are long

00:02:23Okay

00:02:25Now show some respect

00:02:26He's not an air fryer

00:02:27He's the love of my life

00:02:29Look him in the eyes

00:02:30When you talk to him

00:02:31His pronouns

00:02:32Are not

00:02:32It

00:02:33That

00:02:34Yours are

00:02:35Bitch

00:02:36How about

00:02:37They are different

00:02:38One is all caps

00:02:41I like the idea

00:02:42Of a robot partner

00:02:43Because I think

00:02:43I'm less likely

00:02:44To fuck that up

00:02:45I said less

00:02:48No you're right

00:02:48I'll still find ways

00:02:49To be shitty

00:02:50And jealous

00:02:50Of a robot partner

00:02:51I'm like

00:02:51Why are you always

00:02:52By the dishwasher

00:02:56Is her rack

00:02:57Bigger than mine

00:03:00Does she get

00:03:00Wetter than me

00:03:02Is it because

00:03:03She makes bubbles

00:03:04Like I can make bubbles

00:03:05I'll get an infection

00:03:06But if you need bubbles

00:03:07Like

00:03:09I used to be

00:03:10A really toxic girlfriend

00:03:11I've worked on it a lot

00:03:12In therapy

00:03:12Over the years

00:03:13I was a nightmare

00:03:14In my 20s

00:03:14I was dating a guy

00:03:15Once in my 20s

00:03:16And we were laying

00:03:17On the couch one night

00:03:18And we weren't fighting

00:03:19And I thought that was weird

00:03:20So I turned to him

00:03:22And I said

00:03:23Hey babe

00:03:25If you

00:03:25Found out that

00:03:26We were cousins

00:03:29Would you break up

00:03:31With me

00:03:32And he goes

00:03:34Yes

00:03:37And I was like

00:03:38Whoa

00:03:38Fast

00:03:40No follow up questions

00:03:41You're just out like that

00:03:42He goes

00:03:43It's illegal

00:03:44Taylor

00:03:44I'm like

00:03:45So are mushrooms

00:03:46And we did those

00:03:49Now you're this

00:03:50Law abiding citizen

00:03:52Just cause we're cousins

00:03:53He goes

00:03:54You're so wrong about this

00:03:55Ask anyone we know

00:03:57So I texted the three

00:03:58Happiest couples

00:03:58In my phone

00:03:59And I said

00:04:00Hey if you two found

00:04:01Eric cousins

00:04:01You didn't know

00:04:02When you met

00:04:02You haven't known

00:04:03This whole time

00:04:03You've been together

00:04:04You have the same

00:04:05Relationship you've always had

00:04:06But whoops

00:04:07Your cousins

00:04:07Would you break up

00:04:08And they all wrote back

00:04:10Do we have to tell anybody

00:04:16And I showed him my phone

00:04:17And I said

00:04:18That's what love looks like

00:04:25Quick poll

00:04:29If you found out

00:04:30Your partner was your cousin

00:04:31Clap if you would

00:04:32Break up with them

00:04:35Okay

00:04:36That's a lot of people

00:04:37No don't discuss

00:04:38Fight in the car

00:04:39Fight in the car

00:04:41Okay now

00:04:42If you found out

00:04:43Your partner was a robot

00:04:45Clap if you would

00:04:45Break up with them

00:04:49Oh interesting

00:04:51Bit of a drop off

00:04:53Over here

00:04:54Some of us

00:04:55Clap for cousin

00:04:56And not for robot

00:04:58Okay

00:04:58So we're going to

00:05:00Abandon our family

00:05:04But we'll keep

00:05:05Fucking the toaster

00:05:06Okay

00:05:07That makes sense

00:05:10I really was triggered

00:05:12By the capital G

00:05:12God in my phone

00:05:13Because I have

00:05:14Religious trauma

00:05:14Anybody else have

00:05:15Religious trauma?

00:05:19Thought you might

00:05:20If you don't know

00:05:21What religious trauma means

00:05:22It just means

00:05:22You grew up in church

00:05:23You're not religious anymore

00:05:24But now

00:05:25Anytime you feel good

00:05:26You feel kind of

00:05:27Bad about it

00:05:29Like have you ever

00:05:30Had a dip

00:05:30In the middle of an orgasm

00:05:31Like

00:05:32Ha ha ha

00:05:35That dip is Jesus

00:05:39Spraying you in the face

00:05:40With a water bottle

00:05:42That's why I don't say

00:05:43Oh God

00:05:44During sex

00:05:44He's like Beetlejuice

00:05:45He'll show up

00:05:49And to be clear

00:05:50I'm not an atheist

00:05:50I just don't know

00:05:51What happens

00:05:52Neither do you

00:05:53Spoiler alert

00:05:53Nobody knows

00:05:54I've never related

00:05:55To the certainty

00:05:57So many Christians feel

00:05:58Where they're like

00:05:59I just know

00:06:00But how do you know

00:06:01There's a God

00:06:01I just know

00:06:02The only time

00:06:03I've ever just

00:06:04Known something

00:06:05It was that

00:06:05I had diarrhea

00:06:06That's the only time

00:06:08The only time

00:06:09I've ever been like

00:06:10Oh

00:06:12Mm-hmm

00:06:13Mm-hmm

00:06:15And I did start praying

00:06:19But I resent

00:06:20Both sides equally

00:06:21I hate it when people

00:06:22Are like

00:06:22There's no God

00:06:22It's just darkness

00:06:23Fuck you

00:06:24And I hate it

00:06:24When people are like

00:06:25There is a God

00:06:25And here's his address

00:06:26And he loves me best

00:06:27I just hate confidence

00:06:28That's really what it is

00:06:29I cannot stand it

00:06:31When people are too confident

00:06:32I have one very confident friend

00:06:34That's it

00:06:35That's all I can handle

00:06:36In my life

00:06:37One friend

00:06:38So confident

00:06:39You know that hot girl

00:06:40In eighth grade

00:06:41Who always came into class

00:06:42Late with a frappuccino

00:06:43And you're like

00:06:44We get it

00:06:44Your mom had you on purpose

00:06:48She's like that

00:06:49So I can only see her

00:06:51Every like

00:06:51Six to eight months

00:06:53We got lunch

00:06:54A couple months ago

00:06:56Our food

00:06:56Comes to the table

00:06:58She immediately sends

00:06:59Her food

00:07:00Back to the kitchen

00:07:01Did you know you could do that

00:07:02Outside of a film

00:07:03She did that shit in real life

00:07:05I go

00:07:05Oh my God

00:07:05What was wrong with it

00:07:06She goes

00:07:06Ugh

00:07:06There was a hair in it

00:07:11One hair

00:07:11There would have to be

00:07:13A toupee on my lasagna

00:07:17And even then

00:07:18I'd be like

00:07:18I'm so sorry

00:07:19I should have asked for this

00:07:20Without toupee

00:07:21I

00:07:22No

00:07:23I understand

00:07:24It's a garnish

00:07:24It's just sort of triggering

00:07:25In this political climate

00:07:27But

00:07:29But I understand

00:07:30It looks very natural

00:07:31Thank you chef

00:07:32I'll pick around it

00:07:33Pick around it

00:07:35I don't think I'm smarter

00:07:37Than religious people

00:07:38I hate it when atheists

00:07:39Talk down to anyone

00:07:40Who believes in God

00:07:41I've believed a lot of

00:07:42Stupid shit in my life

00:07:43God's not even top three

00:07:44Okay

00:07:45I've believed tall guys

00:07:51He plays guitar

00:07:52He must be nice

00:07:53I'm dumb

00:07:53When my religious family members

00:07:55Talk about God

00:07:56Like God got me through

00:07:57The hardest years

00:07:58Of my life

00:07:59I'm like

00:08:00Shit

00:08:00That's how I talk about

00:08:01Gilmore girls

00:08:02Like I'm

00:08:04An idiot

00:08:05And I capitalize

00:08:06Those G's

00:08:06I make sure

00:08:07Every time

00:08:09That's right

00:08:11But I have a lot of

00:08:12Christians in my life

00:08:13A lot of people

00:08:14Praying for me

00:08:14Which I try not to

00:08:15Take personally

00:08:17You ever have someone

00:08:18Say they're praying for you

00:08:19And you don't know

00:08:20What they're referring to

00:08:22They're like

00:08:23Hey I just want to let you

00:08:24Know I'm praying for you

00:08:25What?

00:08:27I'm not sick

00:08:30Oh yeah

00:08:30Well I'm praying for you

00:08:31What do you think

00:08:32About that Bev?

00:08:34Heard you need it

00:08:35Bitch

00:08:37She's like

00:08:38No God's just been

00:08:39Putting you on my heart

00:08:39Lately

00:08:40Well tell God

00:08:40To scrape me off

00:08:41Your heart

00:08:42Because I'm doing awesome

00:08:42Okay

00:08:43I don't know what

00:08:44You heard in the church

00:08:45Parking lot

00:08:45But that was a family matter

00:08:47Bev

00:08:48I'm gonna tint the van windows

00:08:52I have a lot of

00:08:53Cool Christians

00:08:53In my life

00:08:55Cool Christians

00:08:55Love to let you know

00:08:56They're cool

00:08:57They do

00:08:58They love to like

00:08:59Swear in front of you

00:09:02They're like

00:09:03Look I understand

00:09:04What you have doubts

00:09:04I get it

00:09:05I watch the news

00:09:09Shit is fucked up

00:09:16Then they look at you

00:09:17Like they did a trick

00:09:17On a skateboard

00:09:23I have an uncle

00:09:24Who's a pastor

00:09:25And he's a really cool guy

00:09:26He's very humble

00:09:27Down to earth

00:09:27He's not like

00:09:28One of these

00:09:28Mega church douchebags

00:09:29Who wears expensive sneakers

00:09:30And like

00:09:31Writes a book

00:09:31With his face on it

00:09:32Every time I see a pastor

00:09:34On a book tour

00:09:35I'm like

00:09:35Hey man

00:09:36Weren't you already

00:09:37Promoting a book?

00:09:38Like

00:09:42I don't

00:09:42I just

00:09:48How many bestsellers

00:09:49Do you need Joel?

00:09:53My uncle's really cool

00:09:54He's the only person

00:09:55In my life

00:09:55Who understands

00:09:55What I do for work

00:09:56He and I

00:09:57Have very similar jobs

00:09:58We're both out here

00:09:58On the weekends

00:09:59Changing lives

00:10:01No he hates it

00:10:01When I say that

00:10:02He hates it so much

00:10:03I'm always trying

00:10:04To talk shop with him

00:10:05I'm like

00:10:05Hey Jim

00:10:06How was your early show?

00:10:09He's like

00:10:10You know it's

00:10:10First service Taylor

00:10:11I'm like

00:10:12Well I just noticed

00:10:13He had a heckler

00:10:14On the late one

00:10:14He goes

00:10:14That person was yelling

00:10:15Amen and hallelujah

00:10:16To agree

00:10:18I'm like

00:10:18That's the worst

00:10:19Kind of heckler Jim

00:10:20Because they're being supportive

00:10:21But they're still

00:10:21Disrupting your flow

00:10:23Right?

00:10:24I go

00:10:24You know

00:10:25I donate 10%

00:10:26Of what I make too

00:10:27He's like

00:10:27To who?

00:10:28I'm like

00:10:28My agent

00:10:29But it's still a tithe

00:10:34I'm like

00:10:35I'm kidding Jim

00:10:35I know we don't

00:10:36Do the same thing

00:10:37But think about this

00:10:38I make them feel guilty

00:10:40Saturday night

00:10:41You save their ass

00:10:42Sunday morning

00:10:43I set them up

00:10:44You spike the ball

00:10:45You're welcome

00:10:47I helped

00:10:54But my Uncle Jim's

00:10:55Like a great pastor

00:10:56He's like

00:10:56Very progressive

00:10:57He gives really

00:10:58Interesting sermons

00:10:59We didn't have a cool pastor

00:11:00Like my Uncle Jim

00:11:01Growing up

00:11:01We had a basic ass pastor

00:11:03Who stuck to three topics

00:11:04He had three messages

00:11:06You are forgiven

00:11:07Marriage is hard

00:11:10Merry Christmas

00:11:11Like those were the three

00:11:14I do feel for pastors

00:11:15On Christmas and Easter

00:11:16Because those are big weeks

00:11:17At church

00:11:18Right?

00:11:18Those are recruitment weeks

00:11:21That's when everybody

00:11:22Comes out of the woodwork

00:11:23That's when the decaf

00:11:24Christians swing by

00:11:25You only see those

00:11:27Motherfuckers twice a year

00:11:28And you gotta blow their minds

00:11:30So hard with the extras

00:11:31That they upgrade their

00:11:32Subscription to weekly

00:11:33That's a lot of pressure

00:11:36And as the pastor

00:11:37On Christmas and Easter

00:11:38You can't get creative

00:11:39You can't get weird with it

00:11:41You can't do an acoustic set

00:11:43You gotta play the hits

00:11:45You gotta tell the stories

00:11:47Right?

00:11:47Easter's a better story

00:11:49Than Christmas

00:11:49In my opinion

00:11:50If you don't know

00:11:51Easter is the crucifixion

00:11:52And resurrection of Jesus Christ

00:11:53It's where all of our merch

00:11:55Is from

00:11:56You've seen it

00:11:58You've seen it

00:11:59Dead guy

00:12:00Up there

00:12:00But tasteful

00:12:01Somehow very tasteful

00:12:03Makes you think

00:12:04About your own death

00:12:04Like ooh

00:12:05Hope I die in a way

00:12:06That looks good on jewelry

00:12:07Right?

00:12:09Think about it

00:12:10When grandma died

00:12:10Were you like

00:12:11Ooh slap her on an anklet

00:12:12No

00:12:13He's really doing it

00:12:14Up there

00:12:15I'll stop doing it

00:12:16I'll stop doing it

00:12:17We're all familiar

00:12:21But Easter's a great story

00:12:22There's a lot of action

00:12:23Right?

00:12:24It's the crucifixion

00:12:25The resurrection

00:12:26It's Jesus in his prime

00:12:28Early thirties

00:12:29Ripped

00:12:32We betrayed him

00:12:33We killed him

00:12:33He's back

00:12:34It's basically Twilight

00:12:35It's a sexy

00:12:38Sexy story

00:12:38I'm kidding

00:12:39Twilight belongs to the Mormons

00:12:40Don't take that from them

00:12:41Okay?

00:12:42They can't have caffeine

00:12:43They need something

00:12:44To wake them up

00:12:46Christmas is not

00:12:47As good a story

00:12:48It's just not

00:12:48The birth of Jesus

00:12:49It starts off strong

00:12:50Right?

00:12:51An angel comes down

00:12:52From heaven

00:12:52Tells Mary

00:12:53I know you're a virgin

00:12:54But you're pregnant

00:12:55With the son of God

00:12:56Oh shit

00:12:57And then the angel

00:12:57Has to go tell her boyfriend

00:12:59Joseph

00:12:59Cause believe women

00:13:00Wasn't really a thing

00:13:01Back then

00:13:03So the angel's like

00:13:04It's God in there

00:13:05I promise

00:13:06And then what?

00:13:07Then the angel leaves

00:13:08Then it's just a long

00:13:09Walk to a barn

00:13:11That's most of Christmas

00:13:12Is just this right here

00:13:14Jesus is barely in it

00:13:15He comes in right at the end

00:13:17He does zero magic

00:13:18It sucks

00:13:21Jesus is basically

00:13:22The post-credits scene

00:13:24In a Marvel movie

00:13:25It's trash

00:13:30Sucks

00:13:35I remember one year

00:13:37Our pastor tried to spice up

00:13:38The Christmas story

00:13:39He came out

00:13:39He goes

00:13:40Thought he found a new angle

00:13:41Right?

00:13:42He comes out

00:13:42He goes

00:13:42You know

00:13:43We always kind of rush

00:13:44Through the Christmas story

00:13:45Don't we?

00:13:46Since we all know it so well

00:13:48But if you have a really

00:13:49Stopped to think

00:13:51About what this

00:13:52Must have been like

00:13:54For Mary

00:13:56And all the women

00:13:57Were like

00:13:59And all the men

00:14:00Were like

00:14:01No

00:14:04Which one's Mary again?

00:14:05Oh

00:14:06Are you talking about

00:14:06The vessel?

00:14:07Are you talking about

00:14:07The hole we put

00:14:08The Lord in?

00:14:10Are you talking about

00:14:11The Jesus jar?

00:14:14Are you talking about

00:14:15The Christ cubby?

00:14:16Are you talking about

00:14:17The Savior sack?

00:14:19Are you talking about

00:14:20The prophet pocket?

00:14:22We could keep going

00:14:23But we have to move on

00:14:25But that's a fun game to play

00:14:26To come down from

00:14:27The cousin fight

00:14:27If you want

00:14:31That Mary POV sermon

00:14:32Went over so well for him

00:14:33That he came out

00:14:34The next year

00:14:35All excited

00:14:36Like last year

00:14:36We talked about

00:14:37What it must have been like

00:14:38For Mary to find out

00:14:39She was pregnant with Jesus

00:14:40But have you ever

00:14:41Stopped to think

00:14:42About what this must have

00:14:43Been like

00:14:45For Joseph

00:14:46And all the men

00:14:46Were like

00:14:47Finally

00:14:49Representation

00:14:50I also think

00:14:51Whores are lying

00:14:51To me

00:14:56Joseph was Mary's

00:14:57Betrothed at the time

00:14:58Again

00:14:58I don't assume

00:14:59Everybody knows

00:15:00All the bible stories

00:15:01You grew up in church

00:15:01You're like

00:15:02Everybody's learning these

00:15:03Nope

00:15:03Some kids were having

00:15:04Childhoods

00:15:05On their bikes

00:15:08Is there anyone in here

00:15:09Who never went to church

00:15:10Has never believed in God

00:15:11Never been religious at all

00:15:13Wow

00:15:14All in the back

00:15:15That checks out

00:15:18Well you sound very at peace

00:15:20You sound so relaxed

00:15:21But how do you not

00:15:22How do you know right from wrong

00:15:23How do you not kill people

00:15:24How do you

00:15:25Some Christians talk like that

00:15:27My dad growing up

00:15:28Was like

00:15:29You know

00:15:29If I weren't a Christian

00:15:30I'd be in jail

00:15:31And I'm like

00:15:32Whoa

00:15:32I'm six

00:15:35Let's do a goodnight moon tomorrow

00:15:37Instead of dad's dark thoughts

00:15:39That was

00:15:39Some Christians walk around

00:15:41Like yeah

00:15:42If sky dad didn't have me

00:15:43On house arrest

00:15:44There'd be some mud

00:15:45On my boots

00:15:46And you're like

00:15:46Cool

00:15:46Let's only hang out

00:15:47In groups

00:15:50But if you didn't

00:15:51Grow up in church

00:15:52You might not know

00:15:52A lot of bible stories

00:15:53Might not know any bible stories

00:15:54I won't put you on the spot

00:15:55Don't worry

00:15:56I used to

00:15:56Learned my lesson

00:15:57One time I asked someone

00:15:58And they panicked

00:15:59And went

00:15:59Veggie tales

00:16:04Which hey

00:16:05Close enough

00:16:05But it did make me laugh

00:16:06Real hard

00:16:07Just

00:16:07Who betrayed Jesus

00:16:09Bob the tomato

00:16:12I remember

00:16:12He bounced in

00:16:13Like you're gonna die

00:16:14Jesus

00:16:18I'm kidding

00:16:19They didn't do

00:16:19No

00:16:20They didn't do

00:16:21The crucifixion

00:16:22On Veggie tales

00:16:23They wouldn't do that

00:16:23That's

00:16:24That's crazy

00:16:25That's way too dark

00:16:26Also

00:16:27No arms

00:16:27So who's gonna

00:16:28You know

00:16:30Who's gonna do

00:16:31The finale

00:16:33What are they gonna do

00:16:34Put baby carrots

00:16:35On Larry

00:16:36That's insane

00:16:37We can't do that

00:16:40I assume

00:16:41Even if you didn't

00:16:42Grow up religious

00:16:43You'd know

00:16:43Like Noah's Ark

00:16:44Most people know

00:16:45That one

00:16:45That's our big one

00:16:46It's on the cover

00:16:47Of all of our

00:16:47Coloring books

00:16:49It really is a testament

00:16:51To how fucked up

00:16:53The bible is

00:16:55That we read

00:16:56Noah's Ark

00:16:57And we're like

00:16:57That's the kid's story

00:17:01That story is dark as hell

00:17:03It's about God

00:17:03Drowning all his kids

00:17:05Because they were

00:17:05Being annoying

00:17:06And we're like

00:17:07Yeah

00:17:07That should be

00:17:08The mural

00:17:09In the nursery

00:17:12Come here little buddy

00:17:13These are the animals

00:17:14He didn't drown

00:17:16Oh what a lucky horsey

00:17:20That got to go

00:17:21On the boat

00:17:22With one friend

00:17:26It's the rainbow

00:17:28I think they think

00:17:29The rainbow saves it

00:17:30God sent Noah

00:17:31Who probably had

00:17:32Some trust issues

00:17:33At that point

00:17:33The rainbow

00:17:35As a promise

00:17:36To never flood

00:17:37The earth again

00:17:37Which I think

00:17:38Is the darkest part

00:17:39Of the story

00:17:40Rainbow after

00:17:41A destructive flood

00:17:42I mean that's like

00:17:42Buying someone a ring

00:17:43After you push them

00:17:44Down the stairs

00:17:45That's crazy

00:17:46Every time I see

00:17:47A rainbow

00:17:48I don't think

00:17:48Of gay rights

00:17:49I don't even think

00:17:49Of rain

00:17:50I just think

00:17:50Of God going

00:17:51I mean

00:17:52I didn't kill

00:17:54Everybody

00:18:07Some people

00:18:08Don't even realize

00:18:08Noah's Ark's

00:18:09From the bible

00:18:10I've asked people

00:18:11Oh do you know

00:18:11Any bible stories

00:18:12They go

00:18:12Not one

00:18:13I go

00:18:13What about Noah

00:18:13They're like

00:18:14Well I know

00:18:14That one

00:18:14Like that's how

00:18:16Much bible stories

00:18:18Have like infiltrated

00:18:19Pop culture

00:18:20I have a friend

00:18:20Who said they knew

00:18:21Prodigal son

00:18:22And I go

00:18:22Oh you know the story

00:18:23And they're like

00:18:24Oh no

00:18:24I just think

00:18:25There was like

00:18:25A show or something

00:18:26I've heard the term

00:18:27Right

00:18:28If you don't know

00:18:29The story of the

00:18:29Prodigal son

00:18:30It's a story

00:18:30That Jesus teaches

00:18:32And it tells in the bible

00:18:33To teach a lesson

00:18:34Right

00:18:34So in the story

00:18:36There's a rich dad

00:18:38And he's got two sons

00:18:39And the older son

00:18:39Does everything right

00:18:40Because he's the oldest

00:18:41And the younger son

00:18:42Is like

00:18:42I want my money now

00:18:45And the dad's like

00:18:46Okay that's not how

00:18:47Inheritance works

00:18:47I'm fully alive

00:18:48But here you go

00:18:49So he gives the younger son

00:18:51His money

00:18:51Then this piece of shit

00:18:52Bucks right off

00:18:54Did I mention

00:18:54I'm the oldest of four

00:18:55This piece of shit

00:18:56Bucks right off

00:18:58And how do they put it

00:18:59Squanders his wealth

00:19:00On wild living

00:19:02Which is bible

00:19:03For blows it all

00:19:04On bitcoin

00:19:04And lap dances

00:19:07He then has the audacity

00:19:09To come back

00:19:10Years later

00:19:10Like

00:19:11Sorry dad

00:19:13I lost all your money

00:19:14I suck

00:19:15Can I come back

00:19:16And the older son

00:19:17Was probably like

00:19:18Yeah finally

00:19:18Finish him

00:19:21And the dad goes

00:19:24My baby's home

00:19:26Oh my god

00:19:27Let's throw him

00:19:27A big party

00:19:28I know all the

00:19:29Oldest kids in here

00:19:29We all have

00:19:30Diarrhea right now

00:19:31I know every

00:19:33Oldest kid in here

00:19:34Your asshole

00:19:34Went all the way

00:19:35Inside your body

00:19:36You're so upset

00:19:36Just remember

00:19:37These are people

00:19:38From the bible

00:19:38They can't hurt you

00:19:39They've been dead

00:19:39A long time

00:19:40Okay

00:19:41We're almost done

00:19:42So the older son

00:19:43Is obviously pissed

00:19:45He's like

00:19:45Dad

00:19:46I've done everything right

00:19:47My whole life

00:19:48And you've never

00:19:48Even thrown me

00:19:49A small party

00:19:49Look it up

00:19:50He says that

00:19:52And the dad is like

00:19:54Yeah you're great

00:19:56Love you

00:19:58But your brother

00:20:00He was lost

00:20:02And now he's found

00:20:04So we celebrate

00:20:05And if you ask a pastor

00:20:07What that story is about

00:20:08They will tell you

00:20:08That it's about

00:20:09How you can go off

00:20:10And live in sin

00:20:10And lose your way

00:20:11Spiritually

00:20:12But you can always

00:20:12Return to the lord

00:20:13And he'll forgive you

00:20:14And if you ask me

00:20:16What that story is about

00:20:17I will tell you

00:20:19That it is about

00:20:19How Jesus

00:20:20Was an only child

00:20:33But because I grew up

00:20:34In church

00:20:34I see bible stories

00:20:35Everywhere

00:20:36Right

00:20:36Like here's some fun ones

00:20:38What about

00:20:38The 200 foreskin story

00:20:40Do you know that one

00:20:41Yeah

00:20:41That's a deep cut

00:20:42So

00:20:45In the bible

00:20:46David wanted to marry

00:20:47Saul's daughter

00:20:47And Saul's like

00:20:48You can marry my daughter

00:20:49If you bring me back

00:20:50The foreskins

00:20:51Of a hundred of my enemies

00:20:52Which like

00:20:52Whoa Scorpio

00:20:53Am I right

00:20:55Who has a hundred enemies

00:20:56And is thinking about

00:20:57Their foreskins

00:20:58Like someone was born

00:21:00In deep november

00:21:02So Saul's like

00:21:03Give me a hundred foreskins

00:21:04Then we'll talk

00:21:04So David goes out

00:21:05Comes back

00:21:07With 200 foreskins

00:21:09And that's where the phrase

00:21:11If he wanted to

00:21:11He would ladies

00:21:12Comes from

00:21:15Yeah

00:21:16That's not from tiktok

00:21:17That's from the bible

00:21:19What about

00:21:20What about job

00:21:22Have we heard of job

00:21:23Job

00:21:24Got some job heads

00:21:25In the house

00:21:26Job was this guy

00:21:27In the bible

00:21:27He loved god so much

00:21:28One day god and satan

00:21:29Are talking

00:21:30They don't really get

00:21:31Into why they're talking

00:21:32But you know

00:21:33Sometimes you call your ex

00:21:34And everyone's like

00:21:34What are you doing

00:21:35Right

00:21:36So god and satan

00:21:37Are kicking it

00:21:38For some reason

00:21:38And satan goes

00:21:39Hey god

00:21:40I noticed that

00:21:41Job loves you a lot

00:21:42And god's like

00:21:43Yeah

00:21:45And satan's like

00:21:46Well I bet

00:21:47He wouldn't love you

00:21:47As much

00:21:48If I fucked with him enough

00:21:49And god's like

00:21:52Okay

00:21:52I'm bored

00:21:53Let's see what you got

00:21:54So satan goes out

00:21:55And he ruins

00:21:56Job's life

00:21:57But job

00:21:58Never forsakes god

00:22:01And that

00:22:01Is what

00:22:02How to lose a guy

00:22:03In ten days

00:22:03Is based off of

00:22:08Matthew McConaughey

00:22:09Is job

00:22:10Kate Hudson

00:22:11Is there anyone

00:22:18In here

00:22:19Who grew up

00:22:19Religious

00:22:20But is not

00:22:20Religious anymore

00:22:25You're at the right show

00:22:27All right

00:22:28Of those people

00:22:28Who saved people

00:22:29Who spread the good news

00:22:30While they were religious

00:22:32Ooh

00:22:32Bit of a drop off there

00:22:33That's tough

00:22:34A lot of us

00:22:35Didn't do the homework

00:22:37You save people

00:22:38While you're religious

00:22:39But you're not religious anymore

00:22:40Okay

00:22:41Do you ever feel

00:22:42Serious question

00:22:43Do you ever feel like

00:22:45Maybe you should like

00:22:46Call those people

00:22:49Just a courtesy call

00:22:50Like hey

00:22:51Remember what I told you

00:22:51About forever

00:22:53I don't know

00:22:53What if those people

00:22:55Get up to heaven

00:22:55And they're like

00:22:56Look your sponsor's

00:22:57Not in there

00:22:57So

00:22:59We didn't know

00:23:00You were coming

00:23:00I don't know

00:23:01Are you sure

00:23:02Maybe they holy ghosted you

00:23:04We're sorry

00:23:05For real though

00:23:05You gotta go to hell

00:23:06We're sorry about that

00:23:08I never saved anybody

00:23:10At all

00:23:10I was talking to someone

00:23:12Who grew up Mormon

00:23:12I was like

00:23:13Well you guys

00:23:13Were really saving people

00:23:14And he was like

00:23:15Oh yeah

00:23:15Baptism for the dead

00:23:16You guys know what that is

00:23:17I didn't know

00:23:18Apparently

00:23:19In Mormonism

00:23:20Sometimes they will

00:23:21Save people

00:23:21After they've died

00:23:23Which

00:23:23Really takes the pressure

00:23:25Off of saving live people

00:23:27Doesn't it

00:23:27When you can just go

00:23:28Hey do you believe in God

00:23:30And they're like

00:23:30No

00:23:30And you're like

00:23:31That's okay

00:23:32We'll wait

00:23:36And then as soon as they're dead

00:23:37You're like

00:23:37Bibbidi-bobbidi Mormon

00:23:45This is how you get a soul

00:23:46To heaven

00:23:46Right

00:23:48Like you're trying to get

00:23:48Poop smell out of your

00:23:49Hinge dates bathroom

00:23:52If you're not laughing

00:23:53You're married

00:23:53And fuck you

00:23:54This joke's not for you

00:23:56Enjoy shitting with the door open

00:23:58Some of us have to carry

00:23:59Matches

00:23:59Everywhere

00:24:03My biggest issue with church

00:24:04Wasn't that they wanted us

00:24:06To save people

00:24:07It's that they wouldn't let you

00:24:08Make a good point

00:24:10Right

00:24:10Anytime you were growing up

00:24:11In church

00:24:12You were like

00:24:12Well you have to admit

00:24:13It was pretty messed up

00:24:13When God did this in the Bible

00:24:15They'd be like

00:24:15Well that was the Old Testament

00:24:17You know

00:24:17That was before God

00:24:18Stopped drinking

00:24:19Like that was a different guy

00:24:21Yeah he's kind of a fuckboy

00:24:22Back there

00:24:23And then he had a kid

00:24:24And he's like

00:24:24I'm different now

00:24:25You know

00:24:25He's like

00:24:26I was in a fraternity

00:24:28Of course I was drowning people

00:24:29Like it's

00:24:30People change

00:24:33Anytime you had an

00:24:34Unanswerable question at church

00:24:35They always said the same thing

00:24:36They'd go

00:24:36That's a great question

00:24:39And we can ask God that

00:24:41When we get to heaven

00:24:44Which like

00:24:45If you were God

00:24:46How pissed would you be

00:24:48That they were sending people

00:24:50Up to heaven like that

00:24:51With a bunch of questions for you

00:24:52You're God

00:24:52You made everything and everyone

00:24:54You probably just want to do the

00:24:56Ta-da

00:24:56Heaven part

00:24:57And now every time someone dies

00:24:59You have to do a

00:25:01Press conference

00:25:03Every time someone dies

00:25:04You're like

00:25:05Hey

00:25:05Welcome to heaven

00:25:06They're like

00:25:07Okay but first God

00:25:07When a kid dies

00:25:08Right

00:25:08And they didn't say the prayer

00:25:09And they didn't get saved

00:25:10That's an automatic heaven

00:25:11Right God

00:25:11You wouldn't send a kid to hell

00:25:12Right God

00:25:13Right God

00:25:14Right God

00:25:14And God's like

00:25:15Fucking

00:25:23Seriously dude

00:25:24You're in heaven

00:25:25Bitch

00:25:25Do you go to Disneyland

00:25:26Like hope all the workers

00:25:27Get benefits

00:25:28Like shut up

00:25:32You are a killjoy

00:25:35Yes the kids are in heaven

00:25:37We muted the kids

00:25:38So we could all enjoy heaven

00:25:39But yes

00:25:45That's a dark one

00:25:45I know

00:25:46That's a dark one

00:25:47I have a dark sense of humor

00:25:48Partially because I grew up in church

00:25:50Church is a dark place

00:25:51Every Sunday

00:25:52You go to a big room

00:25:53Where the underlying message is

00:25:54Won't it be great

00:25:55When we all get to be dead with daddy

00:25:57That's church

00:25:59Can't wait to be dead with dada

00:26:01That's church

00:26:03But I can't blame church entirely

00:26:04I also

00:26:05I had a parent die

00:26:06Really young

00:26:07So my siblings and I

00:26:08All have really dark senses of humor

00:26:10Right

00:26:11Like I was talking to my younger sibling

00:26:12Bryn recently

00:26:13Because you know how you and your siblings

00:26:14All remember

00:26:14Different parts of your childhood

00:26:16So sometimes you get together

00:26:17And you're like

00:26:18Alright here's what I remember

00:26:19What have you got

00:26:20Okay

00:26:21Let's put this all out on the table

00:26:22And figure out

00:26:23What the fuck happened to us

00:26:25Back there

00:26:26So we were having a puzzle day

00:26:28At home

00:26:30And I said

00:26:31Do you remember that hospice grief support group

00:26:33We got sent to

00:26:34For kids whose parents had died of cancer

00:26:37And Bryn goes

00:26:38Oh yeah

00:26:38Do you remember how not everybody's parents

00:26:40Were dead yet

00:26:43Yes

00:26:44Some of them still had active

00:26:46I'm just saying

00:26:47Feels like they could have put us

00:26:48In different rooms

00:26:49Right

00:26:50Maybe do a shirts and skins situation

00:26:53But no

00:26:54They were like

00:26:55Christmas present

00:26:55Christmas future

00:26:56Discuss

00:27:00Something's coming around the mountain

00:27:01You know what it is

00:27:06That's not what I remembered about the group

00:27:08What I remembered about the group

00:27:09Is there was one kid in there

00:27:11Whose parent hadn't died

00:27:13His uncle had died

00:27:14And um

00:27:16Look

00:27:19I don't want to be a bitch

00:27:22But like our mom

00:27:23Was dead

00:27:25And it just kind of feels like

00:27:33Paper covers uncle

00:27:35You know what I mean

00:27:35Like

00:27:36I'm just saying

00:27:37Like this kid had parents

00:27:38He wasn't spider man

00:27:40Like

00:27:41Some losses affect who you are

00:27:43For the rest of your life

00:27:44And some

00:27:44Are your uncle

00:27:45Like what are we

00:27:48I do think when you have a parent die young

00:27:49You tend to think about death

00:27:50A lot more than other people

00:27:52I certainly do

00:27:53I tend to

00:27:54Jump to the worst possible scenario

00:27:56I catastrophize constantly

00:27:58Much to the detriment

00:27:59Of many of my relationships

00:28:01I was dating a guy once

00:28:02And I said

00:28:03Hey babe

00:28:03When you don't hear back from me

00:28:05For a few hours

00:28:06Do you ever get scared

00:28:07That something bad

00:28:08Might have happened to me

00:28:09And he goes

00:28:10No

00:28:12I get scared

00:28:13You're mad at me

00:28:16Men would rather

00:28:18You be dead

00:28:19Than mad at them

00:28:21Men would rather

00:28:22Be in mourning

00:28:23Than in trouble

00:28:23That's the truth

00:28:24If a guy misses

00:28:26Five calls from his wife

00:28:28He's like

00:28:28Oh I hope this is

00:28:29The paramedic

00:28:30Who found her

00:28:35I also wish that joke

00:28:37Didn't work

00:28:40You know what's so funny to me

00:28:42About men who kill their wives

00:28:44What

00:28:44Well

00:28:45Just wait

00:28:46What's so funny to me

00:28:47About men who kill their wives

00:28:48Is like

00:28:49They think they're gonna

00:28:50Get away with it

00:28:51And it's like

00:28:52Dude

00:28:52You've never planned

00:28:54A god damn thing

00:28:58In your whole life

00:29:01You've never made

00:29:03A dinner reservation

00:29:05And now

00:29:06You're gonna hide

00:29:07A body

00:29:08This is quite

00:29:09The maiden voyage

00:29:11For event planning

00:29:12Dude

00:29:13Maybe start

00:29:14With a potluck

00:29:18I do think

00:29:19I've spent a lot

00:29:20Of my life

00:29:20Being really scared

00:29:21Of death

00:29:21You know

00:29:22Anytime I wasn't

00:29:22Actively yearning

00:29:23For it

00:29:24Of course

00:29:25Oh good

00:29:26Some depression

00:29:26In the room

00:29:27Thank god

00:29:27I did that joke

00:29:29In Sweden

00:29:29They just stared at me

00:29:30They were like

00:29:31Huh

00:29:31Sad

00:29:32For no reason

00:29:33But how

00:29:33They didn't

00:29:34Get

00:29:36A lot of this hour

00:29:37Europe didn't get

00:29:38They were like

00:29:39God

00:29:39We have healthcare

00:29:40They give you God

00:29:41Instead of healthcare

00:29:43That doesn't seem

00:29:44Like the same thing

00:29:47If you have depression

00:29:48You have a pretty

00:29:49Complicated relationship

00:29:51With death

00:29:51You sort of look at death

00:29:52Like it's the phantom

00:29:53Of the opera

00:29:54Most of the time

00:29:55You're like

00:29:55Oh that's scary

00:29:56But then sometimes

00:29:57You're like

00:29:57I mean

00:29:58That side of his face

00:29:59Is kind of hot

00:30:03Hear me out

00:30:04I could live underground

00:30:04I don't know

00:30:07This section is sad

00:30:11I've been trying

00:30:12To face my fear

00:30:13Of death head on

00:30:14This past year

00:30:14I wrote a will

00:30:15Because a lot of my friends

00:30:16Were getting married

00:30:17And I was like

00:30:17I want to sign

00:30:18A scary document

00:30:21I learned so much

00:30:22If you don't have a will

00:30:23You gotta write one

00:30:24With a professional

00:30:25That panicked note

00:30:26You write on your phone

00:30:26During turbulence

00:30:27That will not hold up

00:30:28In court

00:30:28They taught me that

00:30:30I thought for sure

00:30:31That was fine

00:30:31Nope

00:30:32Here's what I learned

00:30:33I did not know this

00:30:34If you die unexpectedly

00:30:35Your closest living relatives

00:30:37Are your parents

00:30:38Not your siblings

00:30:39Which is what I thought

00:30:40Because I'm dumb

00:30:41So if you die unexpectedly

00:30:42Your parents will inherit

00:30:44Everything you own

00:30:45Unless you disinherit them

00:30:47In writing

00:30:47Like the petty bitch you are

00:30:49Right?

00:30:51And I know

00:30:51Some of you are sitting there

00:30:52Right now going

00:30:53Well whatever

00:30:54I don't have a good

00:30:55Relationship with my parents

00:30:56Taylor

00:30:56But I don't really have

00:30:57Anything for them

00:30:58To inherit

00:30:59Do you have a TV?

00:31:03Do you think

00:31:04Your shitty dad

00:31:06Deserves

00:31:07An extra TV?

00:31:11You think your death

00:31:12Should feel like

00:31:12Winning the prices

00:31:13Right for him?

00:31:14Fuck that

00:31:15Call a lawyer

00:31:27But I had to make

00:31:28A lot of decisions

00:31:29When I wrote my will

00:31:30I had to choose

00:31:31Who was going to

00:31:32Pull the plug

00:31:32If I'm in a coma

00:31:33So I picked my sibling

00:31:34Bryn

00:31:34Because they are going

00:31:35To inherit my money

00:31:36If I die

00:31:36And I was like

00:31:37Earn it dude

00:31:38Right?

00:31:40I go

00:31:40You decide

00:31:40When that money drops

00:31:43And they were like

00:31:44Okay well

00:31:44If you're in a coma

00:31:45Not responding to anything

00:31:46What do you

00:31:47What do you want me to do?

00:31:47How long do you want me to wait?

00:31:48And I was like

00:31:49Here's what I want you to do

00:31:50I want you to start

00:31:51Parks and Rec

00:31:51From the beginning

00:31:54And I want you to

00:31:55Keep it playing

00:31:55All day

00:31:56All night

00:31:56In my hospital room

00:31:58If we get

00:31:59To the end of that show

00:32:01And I have not

00:32:02Woken up yet

00:32:04Start the office

00:32:07And then when

00:32:08Steve Carell leaves

00:32:09Just kill me

00:32:10Don't

00:32:12Do not make me

00:32:13Watch Andy be manager

00:32:14Don't do that

00:32:14To me again

00:32:18Don't do that

00:32:24I had to decide

00:32:25What I want to happen

00:32:26To my remains

00:32:26When I'm gone

00:32:27Have you guys decided

00:32:28What you want to happen

00:32:29To your bodies

00:32:30When you're gone?

00:32:30Yeah?

00:32:31Well what are we gonna do?

00:32:32A tree pod?

00:32:35Yeah?

00:32:35That's nice

00:32:35I like that you say tree pod

00:32:37Because every once in a while

00:32:37You get a girl

00:32:38Who's like

00:32:38I'm gonna be a tree

00:32:39And you have to explain

00:32:40To her like

00:32:40Oh sweetie

00:32:41You don't get to be the tree

00:32:43You're tree food

00:32:44You're helping the tree

00:32:45You're sort of like

00:32:46A pageant mom

00:32:47To the tree

00:32:47Like go baby go

00:32:49Be what I cannot

00:32:51Right?

00:32:52Tree pod's great

00:32:53What else we got?

00:32:55Someone said

00:32:56What?

00:32:57Donating to science

00:32:59What part of science?

00:33:00What area of science

00:33:01Are we thinking?

00:33:03Oh okay

00:33:04You have a medical school

00:33:04Picked out

00:33:05But not like

00:33:05A specific area of science

00:33:07Not like

00:33:08Keep it all

00:33:08Above the net

00:33:09I'm just saying

00:33:10Do we trust

00:33:12A bunch of college kids

00:33:15With our dead bodies

00:33:17Do we feel

00:33:17Like here's a dead mess of holes

00:33:19You decide what science is

00:33:21I'm not sure about that

00:33:22I just

00:33:23Leave specific instructions

00:33:25That's my only thing

00:33:26Is anyone getting cremated?

00:33:27Yeah?

00:33:28Okay

00:33:29I hope you have a plan

00:33:30For where you want

00:33:31Those ashes spread

00:33:32Because sometimes people go

00:33:33I don't know

00:33:33And it's like

00:33:34You are gonna end up

00:33:35Somewhere weird

00:33:36If you don't

00:33:37Your ashes are gonna

00:33:38End up in like

00:33:39The cup holder

00:33:40In your driver's side door

00:33:42You know that weird one

00:33:43Where every six months

00:33:44You're like

00:33:44Was that an oat milk latte

00:33:46Once?

00:33:46Like that's

00:33:47The best answer

00:33:48I got recently

00:33:49A guy yelled out

00:33:50Viking funeral

00:33:53Yeah

00:33:54Some guy in the crowd

00:33:55Just yelled out

00:33:55Viking funeral

00:33:56And I was like

00:33:57Okay

00:33:57I mean

00:33:58That's cool

00:33:58If you want that

00:33:59But I hope you have

00:34:00A niece or nephew

00:34:01That you're sending

00:34:01To summer camp

00:34:02That can make that shot

00:34:03Cause

00:34:05That's a hard shot

00:34:06To make

00:34:06The boat gets smaller

00:34:07And smaller

00:34:08The further away

00:34:09It gets

00:34:09And if they miss

00:34:10That's not a Viking funeral

00:34:12Anymore

00:34:12That's just a dead guy

00:34:13In a boat

00:34:16And that is not

00:34:17As festive

00:34:17Is it?

00:34:18That's stand by me

00:34:19Too

00:34:23I'd like to be cremated

00:34:24Personally

00:34:25Because I like

00:34:26That you can

00:34:26Inconvenience your family

00:34:27After you're gone

00:34:28That's fun for me

00:34:29Cause who's gonna say

00:34:30No to taking

00:34:31Your ashes home

00:34:32First off

00:34:33Like oh

00:34:33I couldn't possibly

00:34:35There's no

00:34:35There's no room

00:34:36At my house

00:34:37We're full up

00:34:38On haunted cups

00:34:40Like

00:34:40Nice try

00:34:41Take me home

00:34:42I'm so small

00:34:43Right

00:34:44And then if you want

00:34:45Your family to spread

00:34:46You somewhere

00:34:46Depending on how

00:34:47You feel about your family

00:34:48That's where you send them

00:34:49Right

00:34:50So if you love your family

00:34:51You're like

00:34:51I'd like you to spread me

00:34:53In Hawaii

00:34:53Over seven days

00:34:54Of PTO

00:34:55That's what I'd like

00:34:57Love you guys

00:34:58Miss you

00:34:59And then if you don't

00:34:59Like your family

00:35:00You can be like

00:35:01Have you been

00:35:01To Toledo

00:35:10In January

00:35:12Actually no

00:35:13No I want you to do it

00:35:14Right between Christmas

00:35:15And New Year's

00:35:19My mom was cremated

00:35:20And after my mom died

00:35:22My dad got remarried

00:35:24And when my dad got remarried

00:35:25He gave my mom's ashes

00:35:26To my grandma

00:35:27Because return to sender

00:35:29I guess

00:35:31You're right

00:35:32I am so sorry

00:35:32Return to manufacture

00:35:34That's what it is

00:35:36And his reasoning was

00:35:37He was like

00:35:38Look I'm getting remarried

00:35:39And I just

00:35:39I can't take these

00:35:40Into another woman's home

00:35:42And as his daughter

00:35:43I was like

00:35:44Yes you can

00:35:46But as an adult woman now

00:35:47I'm like

00:35:48Oh no you can't

00:35:50I've dated straight men

00:35:52I don't like it

00:35:52When they follow

00:35:53Their exes on Instagram

00:35:54You're telling me

00:35:54If he brought

00:35:55A little baggie

00:35:56Of her bones inside

00:35:58And was like

00:35:59This lives under the TV

00:36:00Forever

00:36:00I'd be like

00:36:02Cool

00:36:02Love that there

00:36:03No

00:36:03I'd be passive aggressive

00:36:04At best

00:36:05I'd probably flush

00:36:06A teaspoon of her

00:36:07Every day

00:36:08Just

00:36:29Until one day

00:36:30He picked it up

00:36:30And was like

00:36:31The urn feels lighter

00:36:32I'm like

00:36:32Maybe she lost weight

00:36:34Not you

00:36:35Body shaming the urn

00:36:37Babe

00:36:38You know what's funny

00:36:39About that joke

00:36:39I don't even really

00:36:40Feel that way anymore

00:36:41I think a younger version

00:36:43Of me felt that way

00:36:43When you're single

00:36:44In your 30s

00:36:45You don't care

00:36:46About so much

00:36:47You kind of just

00:36:47Want someone

00:36:48Who's not gonna bug you

00:36:50That's really

00:36:50In my 20s

00:36:51I was so insecure

00:36:52So toxic

00:36:53I was like

00:36:53I need to be

00:36:54Someone's first

00:36:54And only true love

00:36:55Their one and only wife

00:36:57I need to be

00:36:57With someone

00:36:58Who does not watch

00:36:59Pornography

00:37:00And now I'm like

00:37:01You can jerk off

00:37:01To your dead wife

00:37:02If you want

00:37:02I don't care

00:37:04You wanna put her bones

00:37:06Under the TV

00:37:06Is the TV playing

00:37:08My show

00:37:09Then that's great

00:37:11You can put as many

00:37:12Bitches up there

00:37:12As you want

00:37:13We'll watch

00:37:13Love is Blind

00:37:14As a family

00:37:23I told my buddy

00:37:24Dustin that

00:37:24And he goes

00:37:24What if you

00:37:25Married a guy

00:37:26Who was still in love

00:37:27With his dead wife

00:37:29And I was like

00:37:29She's not coming back

00:37:30What do I

00:37:32That's his thing

00:37:33To deal with

00:37:34You know

00:37:34Lock yourself

00:37:35In the bathroom

00:37:35Smell her shirts

00:37:36Cry it out

00:37:37But we're going

00:37:37To Chili's

00:37:38At five

00:37:41And the coupons

00:37:42For two

00:37:43Not three

00:37:43So

00:37:45Get it all

00:37:46Out of your system

00:37:46Babe

00:37:47Hell

00:37:47Jerk off

00:37:48Into the urn

00:37:49If you want

00:37:49When life gives you

00:37:51Lemons

00:37:51Make cement

00:37:52Or whatever

00:37:55It's romantic

00:37:57She can swallow

00:37:58One last time

00:38:08Shame on you

00:38:09For laughing at that

00:38:14I do think

00:38:16My fear of death

00:38:17Has propelled me

00:38:18Professionally

00:38:19It's made me

00:38:20Sort of a workaholic

00:38:21Probably

00:38:21I was doing

00:38:22Two full-time jobs

00:38:23For the last

00:38:24Couple of years

00:38:24I was touring

00:38:25Doing stand-up

00:38:26On the weekends

00:38:26And then I was

00:38:27Hosting a late-night show

00:38:28Called After Midnight

00:38:28During the week

00:38:29Oh thank you

00:38:32Thank you

00:38:33That's very nice

00:38:35Great experience

00:38:36Learned so much

00:38:37Worked with great people

00:38:38I had an assistant

00:38:39On set

00:38:39Which I initially

00:38:40Did not want

00:38:41It is a slippery slope

00:38:42Having someone

00:38:43Whose whole job

00:38:43Is to fetch you snacks

00:38:45Okay

00:38:45Cause day one

00:38:46You're like

00:38:47Could I borrow

00:38:47A phone charger

00:38:48Next thing you know

00:38:48You're like

00:38:48Could I just grab a LaCroix

00:38:50Before you know it

00:38:50You're like

00:38:50Could you just hold

00:38:51Both my hands

00:38:52Until I fall asleep

00:38:55My assistant's name

00:38:55Was Molly

00:38:56Molly was incredible

00:38:57Molly was so good

00:38:58At her job

00:38:59I'm definitely

00:38:59Gonna die alone now

00:39:01Because the standard

00:39:01Of care in relationships

00:39:03Is now Molly

00:39:04Alright

00:39:06Here's how good

00:39:06Molly was at her job

00:39:07My first day

00:39:08On the Paramount lot

00:39:09I drive under the lot

00:39:10I park in a reserve

00:39:11Parking spot for me

00:39:12And there's a big bush

00:39:13That's sort of growing in

00:39:14To the driver's side door

00:39:15Right

00:39:15Nothing crazy

00:39:16Just enough to make it

00:39:17Kind of hard to like

00:39:18Shimmy out

00:39:19Right

00:39:19There's a few bees

00:39:20Buzzing around

00:39:20So I kind of did

00:39:21One of those

00:39:22Before I was like

00:39:22Hey

00:39:23Nice to meet you Molly

00:39:24That's all that happened

00:39:25I didn't complain about the bush

00:39:27I didn't report

00:39:28The bush to anyone

00:39:29Molly just witnessed

00:39:30The bush

00:39:31Touch me

00:39:31A little

00:39:34I drive under the lot

00:39:35The next day

00:39:37Park in my spot

00:39:38And the bush

00:39:39Was gone

00:39:42And I went

00:39:43Molly

00:39:43Did you have them

00:39:45Cut down

00:39:45This bush

00:39:47And she goes

00:39:47Yep

00:39:48And I had them

00:39:49Spray for bees

00:39:55And I went

00:39:56Okay

00:39:56No one

00:39:58Fuck with Molly

00:40:00She had that bush

00:40:01Whacked

00:40:02Literally

00:40:02I couldn't talk

00:40:04Casual shit around her

00:40:05I didn't know

00:40:06What she would do

00:40:07I couldn't come in

00:40:08On a Tuesday

00:40:09Like Dave's

00:40:10Kind of bugging me today

00:40:11Cause I'd come in Wednesday

00:40:12Like hey

00:40:14Where's Dave

00:40:16He's with the bees

00:40:17Taylor

00:40:28You flinched in his presence

00:40:30So I took care of it

00:40:33It's my first time

00:40:34I'd ever had a corporate job

00:40:35So I got HR training

00:40:36I've never had that before

00:40:37There's no HR

00:40:38In stand-up comedy

00:40:39It's the opposite

00:40:40In fact

00:40:40They're like

00:40:40Are you harassing people

00:40:41Great job

00:40:42Start a podcast

00:40:45It was fun

00:40:46That HR training

00:40:46I learned a lot

00:40:47Did you know

00:40:48We're allowed

00:40:48To fuck people at work

00:40:49Did you know that

00:40:50Well people from work

00:40:52You gotta take them

00:40:52Somewhere else

00:40:53But

00:40:54I thought everyone at work

00:40:56Was off limits

00:40:57Romantically

00:40:57Now according to

00:40:58Jill from HR

00:40:59She's like

00:40:59No you can

00:41:00Date

00:41:01You just have to tell us

00:41:02If you are

00:41:02And I go

00:41:02Oh cause then you'll tell

00:41:03Our like higher up bosses

00:41:04And then she goes

00:41:05No you just have to tell us

00:41:06And I was like

00:41:07Who are these sick little freaks

00:41:09In HR

00:41:11Who are like

00:41:11No you can fuck each other

00:41:13You just have to tell us everything

00:41:16Was it good?

00:41:17Do you have photos

00:41:17For the PowerPoint?

00:41:19That PowerPoint was fun

00:41:20The one where they go through

00:41:21All the different scenarios

00:41:22Ask you

00:41:22Is this appropriate

00:41:23Or inappropriate

00:41:24Spoiler alert

00:41:24They're all inappropriate

00:41:25I didn't know that

00:41:26I thought they were supposed

00:41:27To inspire conversation

00:41:29And debate

00:41:29No

00:41:30They're all a pretty clear

00:41:31Thumbs down

00:41:31If you know what you're doing

00:41:32I had my own private HR training

00:41:34Probably cause they knew

00:41:35I was the weakest link on set

00:41:37So they did it

00:41:38During my hair and makeup

00:41:39So it was me

00:41:39Deb and Havana

00:41:40Who did my hair and makeup

00:41:41For the show

00:41:41Jill is going through

00:41:42All the different scenarios

00:41:43Right

00:41:43She goes

00:41:44Alright

00:41:44Scenario number one

00:41:45Kyle tells Sharon

00:41:47On her birthday

00:41:47Doesn't matter how old you get

00:41:49I would still be down

00:41:51And he wingset her

00:41:52Is that appropriate?

00:41:54And we were like

00:41:55Do you have a picture of Kyle?

00:42:04Is it the next slide?

00:42:05How tall is Kyle?

00:42:06What's he smell like?

00:42:07What's he working with?

00:42:08How old's Sharon?

00:42:09Is she ovulating?

00:42:09We don't have enough information

00:42:12To answer the prompts

00:42:13Jill

00:42:16My favorite thing

00:42:17About being on a network TV show

00:42:18Is that they would bleep

00:42:19All the bad words

00:42:20And cut some of the more raunchy stuff

00:42:22Which means that

00:42:23My religious grandparents

00:42:25Could watch the show

00:42:25And it wouldn't hurt their ears

00:42:26As much as my stand-up does

00:42:29Not to say that my grandparents

00:42:30Aren't supportive

00:42:31They really are

00:42:32I think that

00:42:34They're doing a really good job

00:42:36Trying to understand

00:42:37Where their liberal

00:42:37Agnostic grandkids

00:42:38Are coming from

00:42:39I can't stand it

00:42:40When people are too hard

00:42:41On their grandparents

00:42:42If your grandparents

00:42:43Are trying to understand you

00:42:45You gotta give them some grace

00:42:46If they mess up

00:42:47Here and there

00:42:47Terms-wise

00:42:48When people are like

00:42:49Oh, well my grandma

00:42:50Cannot remember my pronouns

00:42:51I'm like

00:42:51Does your grandma

00:42:52Remember her address?

00:42:55Grandma's got bigger fish to fry

00:42:57The light is coming

00:42:58Also, do you know

00:42:58How old your grandma is?

00:43:00I don't

00:43:00Mine's been 62 for 40 years

00:43:04Also, you're taking more pictures

00:43:06Of your grandparents

00:43:06Than you ever have before

00:43:08And they've gotta know why

00:43:09And that can't feel good

00:43:19My grandparents were the best

00:43:21Example I have in my life

00:43:23Of Christianity done right

00:43:24They're very loving

00:43:26Forgiving

00:43:26Non-judgmental people

00:43:28But my siblings and I

00:43:29Are all agnostic

00:43:29Because we didn't grow up

00:43:30With that type of Christianity

00:43:31We grew up in our

00:43:32Scary Christian house

00:43:33And when you grow up

00:43:34With something that hurts you

00:43:35As a kid

00:43:35You don't really want it

00:43:36In your Barbie dream house

00:43:37As a grown-up

00:43:38Right

00:43:39I also don't wear belts

00:43:40Or use wooden spoons

00:43:41That's not a coincidence

00:43:42Okay

00:43:43Oh, thank God

00:43:44We were all lightly abused

00:43:45I

00:43:47Again

00:43:47Did that joke in Sweden

00:43:49Thought they were gonna

00:43:49Call somebody

00:43:50It was

00:43:52There is nothing worse

00:43:54Than admitting to a room

00:43:55Full of people

00:43:55That you got hit

00:43:56When they got tucked in

00:43:57At night

00:43:57It is humiliating

00:44:01No, I don't keep anything

00:44:02In my house that hurt me

00:44:03As a kid

00:44:03No Bibles

00:44:04No belts

00:44:04No bridge to Terabithia

00:44:14I'm hoping the author

00:44:15Sees this

00:44:16And writes me

00:44:16A personalized apology

00:44:21I do think that

00:44:22When you grow up

00:44:24In a scary

00:44:25Religious environment

00:44:26You spend a lot

00:44:27Of your young adulthood

00:44:29Untangling who you are

00:44:30From who they

00:44:31Wanted you to be

00:44:32Like I just came out

00:44:33As queer

00:44:33In the last couple of years

00:44:35Oh, thank you

00:44:38Thank you

00:44:38That's

00:44:40That's really nice of you

00:44:42Because let me tell you

00:44:42Coming out as bisexual

00:44:44At 30

00:44:44Feels like saying to a waiter

00:44:45By the way

00:44:46It's my birthday

00:44:50They're like

00:44:50Cool

00:44:51Sing to yourself

00:44:51You're a grown woman

00:44:52So

00:44:53You're like

00:44:54Excuse me

00:44:54I was very brave

00:44:55I just came out

00:44:56They're like

00:44:56Yeah, but the coast was clear

00:44:57Wasn't it, babe?

00:44:58Like

00:45:00I would have come out sooner

00:45:01But I have three younger siblings

00:45:02And they're all queer

00:45:03And they kept coming out

00:45:04They just kept

00:45:05Popping out

00:45:06Like little groundhogs

00:45:07And every time

00:45:08Another one popped out

00:45:09I was like

00:45:09Well, that's six more months

00:45:10Of heterosexuality for me

00:45:12I guess

00:45:14I was also hesitant

00:45:15To come out as bisexual

00:45:16Because there's a stigma

00:45:17Around it, right?

00:45:18When you say you're bisexual

00:45:19A lot of people assume

00:45:20That you are good at sex

00:45:22And I'm not, guys

00:45:24And I refuse to get better

00:45:25All right?

00:45:27I'm not learning any more tricks

00:45:29Okay?

00:45:29I turned 30

00:45:30I was like

00:45:31Shut it down

00:45:32As Jesus said

00:45:34It is finished

00:45:36I'm hitting save progress

00:45:38I'm gonna die on this level

00:45:40But I didn't want to tarnish

00:45:42The brand of bisexuality

00:45:44I didn't want to bring down the team

00:45:46I have so many queer friends

00:45:47Who are so open and free

00:45:50With their sexualities

00:45:51It's like

00:45:51Oh, it's so fun

00:45:52I have so many, like

00:45:53Samanthas in my friend group

00:45:54And they're so fun

00:45:56And inspiring

00:45:57But I also think

00:45:58We need some gay prude representation

00:46:00As well

00:46:01I think we need more gay prudes

00:46:03To stand up and go

00:46:04I, too, am bisexual

00:46:05I'm attracted to all of you

00:46:07And I trust

00:46:08No one

00:46:17I would

00:46:17But I will not

00:46:20It's also scary

00:46:21To say you're bisexual

00:46:22For the same reason

00:46:22It's scary to say

00:46:23You're suicidal

00:46:24There's always gonna be people

00:46:25Who are like

00:46:25If you don't go all the way

00:46:26You just want attention

00:46:34You know who likes that joke?

00:46:36Queer people

00:46:36Queer people get that joke?

00:46:38Straight people are like

00:46:39Oh, my God

00:46:40There were so many sad words

00:46:43Which is fair

00:46:44You're right

00:46:46No offense, straight guys

00:46:47I have to say

00:46:48I am so glad

00:46:49That straight men

00:46:50Are not my only option anymore

00:46:51That was bleak

00:46:52That was tough

00:46:53And it's not

00:46:54Because you're bad people

00:46:55You're just so hard

00:46:56To communicate with

00:46:57I mean

00:46:57And I tried

00:46:58I've been to couples therapy

00:47:00With a lot of dudes

00:47:01Never been married

00:47:02That's embarrassing

00:47:04You know how embarrassing it is

00:47:06To break up with someone

00:47:06You've been to couples therapy with

00:47:08You just have to live

00:47:09The rest of your life

00:47:10With all this useless information

00:47:11About some dude's childhood

00:47:13You're like

00:47:14Cool

00:47:14Guess I'll just go

00:47:15The rest of my days

00:47:16Knowing what triggers Michael

00:47:17That sucks

00:47:21I also couldn't get on the same page

00:47:23With a lot of my boyfriends

00:47:24About our future

00:47:26Like I used to

00:47:27Only want to adopt

00:47:27If I was going to have kids

00:47:28And every straight guy

00:47:30I ever dated

00:47:30Was like

00:47:31No, it's going to look like me

00:47:32Or I'll eat it

00:47:32Every guy

00:47:34Which, hey

00:47:35I've never been a father

00:47:36Maybe that's true

00:47:37Right?

00:47:38I had one boyfriend

00:47:39Who said he would use a surrogate

00:47:41He was open to that idea

00:47:42Which I do love

00:47:43The idea of a surrogate

00:47:44What a power move

00:47:45To be like

00:47:45Can you just hold this

00:47:46For nine months

00:47:46I'm so busy

00:47:48I'm getting a call

00:47:49Don't eat fish

00:47:51You breeze back in

00:47:53Nine months later

00:47:53Their guts are everywhere

00:47:54You have a blowout

00:47:55You're like

00:47:56Thank you so much

00:47:57Thank you

00:47:58Hey, hey

00:48:00You're glowing

00:48:01You're brave

00:48:01Money's on the night

00:48:02Stand five stars

00:48:03Bye

00:48:11You're like

00:48:12That was a lot

00:48:13I'm going to do

00:48:14No contact delivery

00:48:15Next time

00:48:16Yeah, no

00:48:17You're at the right place

00:48:18Just leave it on the porch

00:48:19Take a picture

00:48:19I'll come get it

00:48:20When you're gone

00:48:22No, you're at the right house

00:48:23I just

00:48:23Look, if I was an extrovert

00:48:24I would have had it myself

00:48:25So

00:48:28I'm not sure if I want kids now

00:48:29I go back and forth

00:48:30On whether or not

00:48:32I want kids so often

00:48:33That sometimes

00:48:33I just want to get my tubes tied

00:48:35Because that feels like

00:48:36The reproductive equivalent

00:48:37Of pouring water

00:48:38On brownies in the trash

00:48:48You know, and you're like

00:48:49I'm going to want these later

00:48:53But I'm thinking straight now

00:48:57So I'm going to remove the option

00:48:59If you're not laughing

00:49:00Congrats on having a healthy relationship

00:49:02With food your whole life

00:49:06Do we have any moms in here

00:49:08That wouldn't mind

00:49:09Oh, good

00:49:09And you're like

00:49:09Yes, I am

00:49:10I love that

00:49:11That wouldn't mind me

00:49:12Asking them personal questions

00:49:13About childbirth

00:49:13Love it

00:49:14Your hand's still up

00:49:14Love that

00:49:16Moms are so cool

00:49:17They're always like

00:49:18Yeah, sure

00:49:18I'm an open book

00:49:19Literally

00:49:19They cracked my spine

00:49:20On the way out

00:49:21So I would love to share

00:49:24Okay, how many kids do you have?

00:49:26Two

00:49:26Two?

00:49:27Nice

00:49:27How old are they?

00:49:2916 and 18

00:49:29Oh, thank God

00:49:30They're like full people

00:49:31When people have babies

00:49:33I just

00:49:33I freeze up

00:49:34I'm like

00:49:34Oh, is it water?

00:49:37Has it opened its eyes?

00:49:40Or

00:49:41Has it dried out?

00:49:42They come out pretty slick, right?

00:49:43Yeah

00:49:44Got a grip on it

00:49:46Okay

00:49:47You got teenagers

00:49:47Did you have your kids

00:49:48Out the main terminal?

00:49:51Yeah

00:49:51I thought that was

00:49:52A classy way of putting it

00:49:54Okay

00:49:54So

00:49:55I've talked to a lot of women

00:49:56On this tour

00:49:56Who have told me

00:49:58Because I'm very scared

00:49:58Of childbirth

00:49:59Which makes sense

00:50:00I grew up in church

00:50:01Where

00:50:02Not even abstinence

00:50:04Could protect you fully

00:50:05Right?

00:50:07They told you

00:50:08The story of Mary

00:50:09They're like

00:50:10Yeah, no

00:50:10Keep your knees closed

00:50:11Hope God doesn't pick you

00:50:12Like it's

00:50:15It adds

00:50:16A whole other layer

00:50:17Of fear

00:50:18To childbirth

00:50:19Childbirth

00:50:20Is already terrifying

00:50:21What if it's

00:50:22Breach?

00:50:22What if it's sick?

00:50:23What if it's God?

00:50:26So I'm very scared

00:50:27Of childbirth

00:50:28And I've talked to

00:50:28A lot of moms

00:50:29On this tour

00:50:29Who have told me

00:50:30That when you're pushing

00:50:32A lot of times

00:50:33Your body's like

00:50:34We know what you're looking for

00:50:37Coming right up

00:50:38Ding, ding, ding

00:50:39And at some point

00:50:40During the process

00:50:41In addition to a baby

00:50:43You may also

00:50:43Push it

00:50:44Did you poop?

00:50:45Yeah

00:50:45Thank you for being honest

00:50:47Thank you so much

00:50:48Here's what I've learned

00:50:49Asking that question

00:50:50For the last couple years

00:50:51There's only two correct answers

00:50:52To did you poop

00:50:53During childbirth

00:50:54Yes I did

00:50:55And I do not recall

00:50:58Yes I did

00:50:59Or none of my business

00:51:01Cause some moms

00:51:02Talk about childbirth

00:51:03Like it's a music festival

00:51:04They went to once

00:51:05They're like

00:51:06Uh I was on a lot of drugs

00:51:09I think your dad was there

00:51:11I don't know

00:51:12All I remember is

00:51:12I kept yelling

00:51:13Play my song bitch

00:51:16And they made me leave

00:51:17Before I was ready

00:51:22The first time

00:51:23I ever asked someone

00:51:24I was at a comedy club

00:51:25In Dallas, Texas

00:51:25There was a woman

00:51:26In the front row

00:51:27She goes

00:51:27Three kids

00:51:28Never pooped

00:51:29And there was a table

00:51:30Of nurses nearby

00:51:31Who were wasted

00:51:33You guys

00:51:34Who started scream laughing

00:51:36At her

00:51:37Everybody poops

00:51:39Every single person

00:51:41And if you think

00:51:42You didn't

00:51:43Then we fucking

00:51:44Lied to you

00:51:45And I had to watch

00:51:53This whole woman's world

00:51:55Change

00:51:56It was like

00:51:57The Truman Show

00:51:58I felt so bad

00:51:59I was trying to save

00:51:59The vibe in there

00:52:00I was like

00:52:00Hey babe

00:52:01Don't feel bad

00:52:01Even if I

00:52:02You know

00:52:02Airlift mine out

00:52:03I'm gonna poop on that table

00:52:04Just to show them

00:52:05Who's boss

00:52:06Right

00:52:12To be clear

00:52:13When I say

00:52:13That I came out

00:52:14In the last couple of years

00:52:15I just mean publicly

00:52:16Right

00:52:16Like I came out

00:52:17To friends

00:52:18Earlier than that

00:52:19But I don't think

00:52:19I did it right

00:52:20I think I was too casual

00:52:21About it

00:52:22I think I was supposed

00:52:22To do like

00:52:23An episode of Glee

00:52:25And I just sort of

00:52:26Mentioned it

00:52:27Like oh by the way

00:52:27I think I'm gonna date

00:52:28Women now too

00:52:29And they were like

00:52:30Okay

00:52:31Like I said

00:52:31I was vegan or something

00:52:32Like okay

00:52:33We'll see how long

00:52:34That lasts

00:52:35You need iron bitch

00:52:36Like they were not

00:52:38They really accepted it

00:52:39Once I had my first girlfriend

00:52:41I started dating this girl

00:52:42Who was so hot

00:52:43I was like

00:52:44Oh my god

00:52:45Am I

00:52:45Pete Davidson

00:52:53How tall am I

00:52:55And when I started

00:52:56Dating women

00:52:57It was the closest

00:52:58I'd come to feeling

00:52:58Religious in a long time

00:53:00Because my friends

00:53:01Would complain

00:53:01About their boyfriends

00:53:02And husbands

00:53:02And I was like

00:53:03Have you heard

00:53:05The good news

00:53:08You don't have

00:53:09To live like this

00:53:11There's a better way

00:53:15Then once I had

00:53:16A girlfriend

00:53:16Then my friends

00:53:17Started coming to me

00:53:18With a lot of their questions

00:53:19They started coming to me

00:53:20With their millennial regrets

00:53:21Do we have any Gen Z

00:53:23In here tonight

00:53:24Oh my god

00:53:25Shut up

00:53:26Really

00:53:26Okay

00:53:27Everyone be cool

00:53:27In front of my new friends

00:53:28Alright

00:53:30Now Gen Z

00:53:31You won't really get this

00:53:31Because you guys

00:53:32Are very good at exploring

00:53:33Your identities

00:53:34And sexualities

00:53:35You want to know

00:53:35Who you are

00:53:36And what you're capable of

00:53:37And what you have to understand

00:53:38About us millennials

00:53:38Is we wake up every day

00:53:40And look in the mirror

00:53:41Like

00:53:42Shh

00:53:45Don't feel

00:53:46You'll joy outside

00:53:49You'll upset mama and papa

00:53:53Just wait

00:53:54Be free in death

00:53:55Wait

00:53:56Those are our

00:53:57Morning affirmations

00:53:58So

00:53:59We're dealing with

00:54:00A lot

00:54:00We're repressing a lot

00:54:01So I had a lot

00:54:02Of female friends

00:54:03In their 30s and 40s

00:54:04Who were like

00:54:05I wish I had dated women

00:54:07But you know

00:54:07They ended up with a man

00:54:08And they were happy

00:54:09But they were like

00:54:09I wish I had done that

00:54:10And so they were asking me

00:54:11A lot of personal questions

00:54:13Like

00:54:13Is it better having sex with women

00:54:15And I was like

00:54:15Do you really want me to tell you

00:54:17Because you said

00:54:17You were pretty locked in

00:54:18With that guy

00:54:21And they were like

00:54:22No

00:54:22Is it really

00:54:23Is it really different

00:54:24And I was like

00:54:25Yeah

00:54:26And they were like

00:54:26Well

00:54:27How

00:54:30So

00:54:31Here's

00:54:31Here's what I said

00:54:32I think

00:54:33The biggest difference

00:54:34Between having sex

00:54:35With men and women

00:54:37Is when you're having sex

00:54:38With a woman

00:54:40You're there

00:54:41The whole time

00:54:45You know

00:54:48Because you know

00:54:48How with a man

00:54:49You can kind of just like

00:54:55Not in a traumatic way

00:54:56Just in like

00:54:57Oh

00:54:58I'm in the back seat

00:54:58On a road trip

00:54:59Forgot my headphones

00:55:00Let's look at clouds

00:55:12Huh

00:55:12I did

00:55:13I did

00:55:14Yeah

00:55:14Absolutely

00:55:16Yes

00:55:16Oh my god

00:55:17Yes

00:55:17A big one

00:55:18A huge

00:55:19Big

00:55:20Quiet

00:55:20But big

00:55:21Just

00:55:22Silent but deadly

00:55:24I love those

00:55:25Thank you so much

00:55:28I've never faked an orgasm

00:55:29Because I think

00:55:30Our generation

00:55:30Got enough

00:55:31Participation trophies

00:55:32But

00:55:33But I don't judge you

00:55:34If you have to

00:55:35We've all been there

00:55:36Right

00:55:36When it's going too long

00:55:37If you want

00:55:38To fake an orgasm

00:55:39Here's a little tip

00:55:40From me to you

00:55:41Just hold your breath

00:55:43For as long as you can

00:55:47Because then

00:55:48When you're like

00:56:01It'll seem like you came

00:56:03When really you just came

00:56:05Up for air

00:56:07That's how you get rid of hiccups

00:56:09And Jeremy

00:56:13I do like having sex with men sometimes

00:56:16I will say

00:56:17Does anyone like sucking dick

00:56:18For real

00:56:19Does anyone really

00:56:20Yeah

00:56:20Oh wow

00:56:21Good for you

00:56:22Just a quiet hand raise

00:56:24That's beautiful

00:56:29So nice

00:56:30Wow

00:56:30Heroes among us

00:56:31Good for you

00:56:33I like sucking dick

00:56:34The way I like going for a run

00:56:36I'm proud of myself

00:56:37After

00:56:41But during

00:56:42I'm always like

00:56:43Why'd I do this

00:56:43I didn't have to do this

00:56:46There's other ways

00:56:47To get where I'm going

00:56:50But then afterwards

00:56:51I'm always like

00:56:51Wow

00:56:51The power of the human spirit

00:56:55Really is all mind

00:56:56Over matter out there

00:56:58But then during

00:56:59I'm like

00:57:00People should be throwing

00:57:00Little cups of water on me

00:57:01For being so brave

00:57:03But then afterwards

00:57:04I'm like

00:57:05Nice

00:57:05Got my time down

00:57:14We're trying to get faster

00:57:15Not better

00:57:19I remember I was so scared

00:57:20To start going down on women

00:57:21And then I went down on a girl

00:57:23For the first time

00:57:23And I was like

00:57:24Oh my god

00:57:25That was so much better

00:57:27I was so mad

00:57:28At my whole life

00:57:29I was like

00:57:30You're telling me this whole time

00:57:31I could have been

00:57:32Licking ice creams

00:57:34And instead

00:57:35I've been

00:57:37Swallowing swords

00:57:41Could have been living

00:57:42Like a child

00:57:43On the boardwalk

00:57:44Instead I've been living

00:57:44Like a carny

00:57:45With something to prove

00:57:49Not that I'm like

00:57:50Killing it at queer dating

00:57:51I am not

00:57:52I'm running into obstacles

00:57:53I never thought I'd face

00:57:54I got dumped

00:57:55By a polyamorous person

00:57:56You ever been dumped

00:57:57By a polyamorous person?

00:57:58It sucks

00:57:59It's like getting fired

00:58:00From a part-time job

00:58:03They're like

00:58:04You can't even work here

00:58:05Mondays and Tuesdays

00:58:06Holy shit

00:58:07I didn't think I was gonna

00:58:08Like dating somebody poly

00:58:09She was poly

00:58:10I was busy

00:58:11But

00:58:12It actually ended up

00:58:14Being the most honest

00:58:15Transparent

00:58:15Communicative relationship

00:58:16I'd ever been in

00:58:17And I was totally in love with her

00:58:18And she dumped me

00:58:19Because I work too much

00:58:20And let me tell you something

00:58:21Grand Rapids

00:58:22When I started dating

00:58:23A polyamorous person

00:58:24I did not think

00:58:25It was gonna end

00:58:26Because my lifestyle

00:58:28Didn't work for them

00:58:32I know some of you

00:58:33Don't believe me

00:58:33You're like

00:58:34There's no way

00:58:34You liked being poly, Taylor

00:58:36You are not cool

00:58:36You reek of monogamy

00:58:38I bet you masturbate

00:58:39To Bridgerton

00:58:39And you know what?

00:58:40I don't

00:58:41I have

00:58:42But I don't

00:58:48That joke's not going

00:58:49In the special

00:58:49There's no way

00:58:51No, no, no

00:58:52That's way too vulnerable

00:58:53To put on Netflix

00:58:55We'll not be doing that

00:58:56Unless it helps the algorithm

00:58:57We'll have to talk about it

00:59:00If Netflix was like

00:59:01If you liked Bridgerton

00:59:14I really appreciate you guys

00:59:15Coming to this new hour of material

00:59:17Because I know

00:59:17It's a lot of God stuff

00:59:18And a lot of gay stuff

00:59:19And my agents are nervous

00:59:23I think my whole team

00:59:24Was a little nervous

00:59:24When I said I was gonna do

00:59:25A tour called Save Me

00:59:27And talk about religion

00:59:28I got a call

00:59:28From my publicist one day

00:59:30Like, hey

00:59:30I heard you're gonna

00:59:31Call this special

00:59:32Prodigal daughter

00:59:33And you wanna call

00:59:33The tour Save Me

00:59:34I think that's great

00:59:35Just making sure

00:59:35You're not taking

00:59:36Any promo photos

00:59:37Like hanging upside down

00:59:38From a cross

00:59:39Right?

00:59:42Anyway

00:59:42So we got rid of those photos

00:59:44But

00:59:45No, I did

00:59:46I did not do that

00:59:47I did not do that

00:59:48That was never the intention

00:59:49I understand why

00:59:50They thought

00:59:51It was gonna be an hour

00:59:52Just bashing Christianity

00:59:54Because if you watch

00:59:55All of my other specials

00:59:56I usually take a few minutes

00:59:57To take a few shots

00:59:58At Christianity

00:59:59And that's because

01:00:01I was working through

01:00:02A lot of stuff

01:00:02From my childhood

01:00:03And also

01:00:04I was really jealous

01:00:05That Christianity

01:00:07Had worked for other people

01:00:08And not me

01:00:09As a mentally ill person

01:00:11It is devastating

01:00:12When someone just goes

01:00:13Yeah, I used to be sad too

01:00:14And then I accepted Jesus

01:00:15Into my heart

01:00:16And now I'm all better

01:00:17And you're like

01:00:19Oh, is that all you did?

01:00:21That's all you did?

01:00:23Just said a little poem

01:00:25In the dark

01:00:25And now you're worthy of love?

01:00:27That's great

01:00:27I love that for you

01:00:32It's

01:00:33It's

01:00:40It's like when someone goes

01:00:41Yeah, I just stopped drinking soda

01:00:42Lost 20 pounds

01:00:43All my acne went away

01:00:44And you're like

01:00:44Oh my god, that's so cool

01:00:45I hope your plane

01:00:46Falls out of the sky

01:00:52The problem that I have

01:00:54With religion

01:00:55Is

01:00:56It can be interpreted

01:00:58So many different ways

01:00:58Right?

01:00:59Like you can say

01:01:00To a room full of people

01:01:01Jesus loves you

01:01:02No matter what

01:01:03And a lot of those people

01:01:04Will hear

01:01:04Jesus loves me

01:01:06But some of those people

01:01:08Will hear

01:01:10No matter what

01:01:12And that's the problem, right?

01:01:14Religion can be used

01:01:16Religion can be used

01:01:16As either a weapon

01:01:17Or a tool

01:01:17And to be clear

01:01:18If you are using religion

01:01:20As a weapon

01:01:21To control

01:01:22Manipulate

01:01:23Manipulate

01:01:23Scare people

01:01:24To make yourself feel superior

01:01:25To everyone else

01:01:26Fuck you

01:01:27That's not what it's for

01:01:33You are not

01:01:34Using that correctly

01:01:38You're using a vibrator

01:01:40As a back massager

01:01:41And we're all

01:01:41Fucking laughing at you

01:01:45Because if God does exist

01:01:46He does not exist

01:01:47To make you feel

01:01:48Better than other people

01:01:49He exists to make you

01:01:51Better for other people

01:01:59And life is so

01:02:00Fucking hard

01:02:01Whatever makes you

01:02:02A better person

01:02:03For other people

01:02:04That's what you

01:02:05Should be doing

01:02:05We do this weird thing

01:02:06Where we like

01:02:07Forget that everybody's

01:02:09Struggling

01:02:09Everybody's just

01:02:10Trying to get through it

01:02:11And we judge each other's

01:02:12Coping mechanisms

01:02:13Like oh you're a quitter

01:02:14If you get on antidepressants

01:02:15You're stupid

01:02:16If you believe in God

01:02:17Bitch

01:02:18I'm on mood stabilizers

01:02:19You're on Jesus

01:02:20We're all trying to get to

01:02:21Dead with daddy

01:02:22We're all trying to get there

01:02:27It's fine

01:02:31And there are a lot of people

01:02:33Who are using religion correctly

01:02:35People like my aunt and uncle

01:02:36My grandparents

01:02:36The people at this church

01:02:37There are a lot of people

01:02:39Who are using religion

01:02:40As a tool

01:02:41For community

01:02:41And connection

01:02:43And compassion

01:02:44And comfort

01:02:46And when I was writing

01:02:47This hour

01:02:48I was thinking

01:02:48About those people

01:02:50And I was thinking

01:02:51About my family

01:02:51And I was trying

01:02:52To think of positive things

01:02:53That came out of me

01:02:54Growing up in church

01:02:56And the most positive thing

01:02:57I can't believe

01:02:58I didn't think of sooner

01:02:58I started doing stand-up

01:03:00In churches

01:03:01That's how I started

01:03:02Doing this

01:03:02They called it testimony

01:03:03But I was getting laughs

01:03:04And

01:03:05No

01:03:08No I really did

01:03:09I started doing stand-up

01:03:10When I was 16 years old

01:03:11And for the first

01:03:11Like I don't know

01:03:12Like four or five years

01:03:13Of my career

01:03:14I was performing

01:03:15In a lot of churches

01:03:16If you don't know

01:03:17In America

01:03:17You can make a living

01:03:18As a church comedian

01:03:19You can tour churches

01:03:20Even bigger than this

01:03:22Four or five thousand seats

01:03:23And make a great living

01:03:25That way

01:03:26And when I was like 21

01:03:27I had to decide

01:03:28Am I gonna go

01:03:29The church comedian route

01:03:30Or am I gonna go

01:03:31The secular comedian route

01:03:32And I think you know

01:03:33What I picked

01:03:36But I am so grateful

01:03:37To have that

01:03:38As my foundation

01:03:39For my stand-up career

01:03:41I mean I got so much

01:03:42Professional stage time

01:03:43In front of thousands

01:03:44Of people

01:03:45I got paid

01:03:46I learned how to work clean

01:03:47And perform in any room

01:03:49And I think about that a lot

01:03:51I'm so grateful for it

01:03:53And I know a lot of you

01:03:53Are probably sitting there

01:03:54Right now going

01:03:55Well that's nice

01:03:58It's cute that you're grateful

01:03:59Taylor

01:04:00And we you know

01:04:01We get what you're doing

01:04:02With the church

01:04:03And everything

01:04:04But um

01:04:05We've seen your stuff now

01:04:08And there's no way

01:04:10You could perform

01:04:11In churches now

01:04:13And here's the thing

01:04:14I don't want to

01:04:16And I probably won't

01:04:18But I fucking could though

01:04:20Okay

01:04:21Oh

01:04:22If I get cancelled

01:04:23Or some shit

01:04:24I'm a fucking professional

01:04:26And I will be returning

01:04:28To churches

01:04:28Okay

01:04:29I will turn this ship around

01:04:31So goddamn

01:04:32Gosh darn fast

01:04:34In a fetus's heartbeat

01:04:36I'll go back to churches

01:04:37I will rebrand

01:04:38Like you've never seen

01:04:39I'll get real big hair

01:04:40Marry a man

01:04:41Let him lead

01:04:43Write a book

01:04:44Called

01:04:44Submissive Wife

01:04:45Submissive Life

01:04:46Adopt a southern accent

01:04:48Out of nowhere

01:04:50And yeah

01:04:51I'm going on tour

01:04:52I have the beginning of the show

01:04:53All planned out in my head

01:04:54It's going to start off

01:04:55Pitch black auditorium

01:04:56Then on the big screen

01:04:58I'm only doing megachurches

01:04:59That's where the money is

01:05:00On the big screen

01:05:01A black and white montage

01:05:03Probably starting with the Netflix

01:05:04Ba-da noise

01:05:06They own my ass

01:05:07For like eight more years

01:05:09A black and white montage

01:05:10Of all my raunchiest jokes

01:05:12From my 20s

01:05:13And that's why

01:05:13Getting a guy to wear a condom

01:05:15Is like

01:05:16Fade out to demon noises

01:05:18Freeze frame

01:05:19On my young face

01:05:20Lights slowly come up

01:05:22As I walk out

01:05:23Wearing all

01:05:24You know what?

01:05:26I'm just going to show you

01:05:27I'm just going to show you

01:05:38This is how you get pussy

01:05:39I came so hard

01:05:41I'll have you know in bed

01:05:42I am a wild animal

01:05:44Okay

01:05:44And that's when I stopped

01:05:46Believing in God

01:05:47Go home and google

01:05:48Porn for women

01:05:49Okay

01:05:50I lost my virginity late

01:05:51I lost it when I was

01:05:52Financially independent

01:05:53You guys I'm literally

01:05:55Fucking the patriarchy

01:05:56Wet let me feel

01:05:57Yeah I grew up with God

01:05:58He's a douchebag

01:05:59That joke makes it sound like

01:06:01I resent my religious upbringing

01:06:02And I do

01:06:03So I nailed it

01:06:04Fucking hell

01:06:05No Christian parents

01:06:06Want to watch their daughter

01:06:07Talk about depression

01:06:07And dick for an hour

01:06:08Take that Jesus

01:06:10I don't know if any of you

01:06:11Have tried to get a

01:06:1220 something dude

01:06:12From a dating app

01:06:14To wear a condom lately

01:06:15But it's sort of like

01:06:16Trying to convince a

01:06:18Five year old

01:06:18To put a jacket on

01:06:20Over his Halloween costume

01:06:22Wet let me feel

01:06:24And you guys

01:06:25I think I have

01:06:25Extraordinary

01:06:26I ain't no fucking hell

01:06:28I don't know if that's

01:06:29Jesus

01:06:30Jesus

01:06:33Jesus

01:06:34Jesus

01:06:35Jesus

01:06:36Jesus

01:06:46Jesus

01:06:47Jesus

01:06:48Jesus

01:06:49Jesus

01:06:53Jesus

01:06:56Jesus

01:06:57Jesus

01:06:58Jesus

01:07:01Jesus

01:07:02Jesus

01:07:03Jesus

01:07:05that was me back when satan had me in his clutches

01:07:10and i can see some of you feeling like joseph on christmas right now

01:07:14like is this whore lying to me but everybody loves the comeback don't they it ain't a

01:07:22rebrand it's a rebirth folks welcome to the prodigal daughter tour

01:07:46all right here's some great queer awakenings people sent in

01:07:49we always get um we always get the cast of pirates of the caribbean we always get shego from kim

01:07:55possible uh we always get uh robin hood the fox version uh for yeah you know uh and then people

01:08:04always ask what my queer awakening was and my queer awakening i figured out because i was watching

01:08:09home movies of me as a little kid and i found this video of me talking to my mom when

01:08:13i was like three

01:08:14or four and you guys remember the girl deer from bambi falleen okay so apparently falleen

01:08:20was my queer awakening and we do have the footage

01:08:24why's the best because he's just the best what about falleen isn't she the best too yeah

01:08:32she's very pretty she makes me like a hot dog with a pan

01:08:41my goodness what does that mean

01:08:46thank you so much grand rapids i cannot thank you enough one more time for sophie muddle everybody

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