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00:03In 1997 MI5's top agents gathered in Thames House for a secret meeting. This is that meeting.
00:19Director, Prince Andrew is here for his briefing. Your Majesty, thank you.
00:23I came as soon as I could. Thank you, Your Majesty.
00:26We appreciate that with the recent passing of Diana, this is a difficult time for the family.
00:39She was such a beautiful woman.
00:42Prince Andrew, no one knows better than us how charming, capable, fiercely intelligent, and morally upstanding you are.
00:50You are a credit to princes everywhere.
00:54You're too kind.
00:56Since the death of Diana, the public have turned on Prince Charles, but still, one day he will be king.
01:01We need to make him look good.
01:03There's no easy way to say this, Your Highness.
01:06We have deduced that the only way to increase the likability of our future king is to decrease the likability
01:12of everyone around him.
01:17I see. Well, I love my brother, I love my country, and I'm willing to do whatever it takes.
01:23We hoped you'd say that.
01:25We have prepared a 29-year plan.
01:30To slowly, but surely make the entire country think you are a...
01:34Well, have a little read.
01:41Huh.
01:46It's, uh...
01:49Huh.
01:51We're aware it's a lot.
01:53And you actually want me to do all of this stuff?
01:56Sadly, yes.
01:59Even the part about befriending a notorious pedophile?
02:03That's an important part of it, yeah.
02:06Before and after he's convicted.
02:09Right, okay.
02:10Of course.
02:10And there's absolutely no other way to make my brother look good.
02:13Well, we're also going to push an environmental angle for him, but it will be half-arsed.
02:20This all seems very high-risk.
02:22God, I'm sweating.
02:25Of course you are, Andrew, of course you are.
02:28But surely you can't make everyone around Charles unlikable.
02:31I mean, what about William?
02:33He's so handsome.
02:35We're seeing to that.
02:39And Harry?
02:40He's going to marry a woman 98% of the UK public will find it impossible to have a normal
02:46conversation about.
02:48Oh, heavens.
02:49I'm afraid this will kill mummy when the news comes out.
02:52Turn to page 72, it will.
02:56Gosh.
02:57I'm afraid of doing this alone.
02:59Isn't there anyone in government who can go on this journey with me?
03:03Send in Agent Maggelson.
03:08Gentlemen.
03:10Peter Maddox.
03:12The most honourable, ethical politician we have.
03:16No one will believe he's corruptible.
03:19I'm sorry, Andrew.
03:20The responsibility in our shoulders is more than any man can bear.
03:24And are people going to think you did all this stuff?
03:28Kind of.
03:31Well, for Britain, I'm in.
03:34I'm in, too.
03:35Oh, Fergie.
03:38Sorry I'm late.
03:40What do you need?
03:41Nothing, Fergie.
03:42You've done so much already.
03:46What's she doing here?
03:47We got divorced a year ago.
03:49Agent Ferguson has been on the payroll since 86.
03:52You wouldn't believe how good she's made you guys look by comparison.
03:56I know, and I know I can do more.
03:59Go further.
04:00Be more odd.
04:03I could drop more nudes.
04:04Suck more toes.
04:05Make my walk even weirder.
04:13The one thing that might help is if you stay by Andrew's side.
04:17Live with him, without explanation, for the next 29 years.
04:22Sure, I'm going to do that anyway.
04:25And remember, your highness, if you're ever in too deep, just say the code word and we'll step in to
04:30save you.
04:31What's the code word?
04:32Pizza.
04:34Express.
04:36Woking.
04:39I'm not sure how I'd ever fit that into a conversation, but I'll make it sound as natural as possible.
04:45Good man.
04:46Good man.
04:47Well, here goes nothing.
04:49Gentlemen, thank you, and say goodbye to the man you know and love.
04:55I'll see you in 2026, where I can finally hold my head up high and say,
05:00Live from London, it's Saturday!
05:11It's Saturday Night Live!
05:16With...
05:19I'm not sure how it is.
05:25...
05:26Jose Bamboye!
05:32Larry Dean!
05:40Celeste Craig!
05:46George Boracan!
05:52Andrea Magliano!
05:57Annabelle Marlowe!
06:03Al Nash!
06:08Jack Shep!
06:14Emma Trini!
06:22Paddy Young!
06:29Musical guest, Wolf Allen!
06:35And your host, Jamie Dornan!
06:47Ladies and gentlemen, Jamie Dornan!
07:03Thank you!
07:05Thank you!
07:06Thank you!
07:07Thank you very much!
07:08I'm very happy to be here as the first ever host of SNL UK.
07:13Since the first ever host of SNL UK.
07:16My name is Jamie Dornan.
07:18I am the star of the fall, the Oscar-winning film Belfast, and of course, your auntie's favourite dreams.
07:29Now, over the years, you know, it's fair to say, you've all seen a lot of me.
07:34And, uh, by that I mean my arse.
07:39Um...
07:39But there is another part of me that you've not seen.
07:44So tonight, uh...
07:46I've decided...
07:50to follow broadcast guidelines and keep it that way.
07:54Um, but I will reveal something far more intimate about myself.
07:58Uh, because I'm not just a sex symbol who looks sexy in everything he does.
08:05Uh...
08:05I am also a guy who collects rocks.
08:10That look like potatoes.
08:13Bring them out, boys. Come on.
08:21They're my girls.
08:25Look at these gorgeous little things.
08:27And no, this isn't a joke.
08:31God knows I wish it was.
08:34Um...
08:35And if you...
08:36If you Google...
08:38Jamie Dornan potato rocks, you'll see that I'm telling the truth.
08:42Trust me, this is real.
08:44I look for these when I'm on holiday.
08:47Um...
08:47I mean, this one looks exactly like a chip.
08:53Uh...
08:56You know, people say, well, you can't care that much because you've only got five.
09:01But that's wrong.
09:02If I cared less, I'd have way more.
09:04My standards are, like, very, very high.
09:08Like, take this one, for example.
09:10Uh, can we get a close-up on this?
09:12I mean, isn't she beautiful?
09:19Seriously, this is who you want to sleep with?
09:22Not me! Your rocks suck!
09:24I think they're suck.
09:26Hang on, I recognise that voice.
09:27Is that Chris O'Dowd?
09:29That's right, it's me.
09:31Your greatest enemy and personal friend, Chris O'Dowd.
09:34Yeah.
09:35Yeah, yeah, yeah.
09:37Yeah.
09:39What's going on?
09:42Yeah.
09:43Couldn't help but notice that you're showing off your spud rocks again.
09:49You pebble slag.
09:53Seriously, Chris, I mean, do you really have to turn up in the middle of everything I do and ruin
09:57it?
09:58Is that what you're going to do?
09:59Well, it seems that maybe I do have to do that, Jimmy.
10:04Uh, OK.
10:05Um, I don't really...
10:06I mean, what do you want?
10:08Well, you are the man who's got everything, huh?
10:11But maybe you don't have everything.
10:14Maybe you're missing a little something.
10:20You've swapped one of my rocks for a potato.
10:22Yes, I did do that for some reason.
10:25And here's the best bit, huh?
10:29Smell it.
10:33I'm not going to smell it.
10:34Smell my spud, darn it!
10:39Yeah, that's right.
10:41It's not even Irish.
10:44Just domestic slop.
10:46OK, right.
10:48I'm sorry.
10:48I'm going to have to deal with this.
10:49We've got a great one for you tonight.
10:51Wolf Alastair here.
10:52So stick around.
10:53Enjoy the show.
10:54Right, come on.
10:55Give me a fart fart now.
11:05Hola, amigos.
11:07We out here in Bristol Airport.
11:09And we are going to España.
11:12España.
11:12The most beautiful place in the world.
11:15A country of art, culture and culinary delights.
11:18And when we get there, there's only one place we're going to go.
11:22Oh, my God.
11:23Oh, my God.
11:27So the British thing pop, pop, pop, pop.
11:30Just like Britain but in Spain.
11:32It's the British thing pop, pop, pop, pop.
11:35It's run by Gary and Jane.
11:37It's the British thing pop, pop, pop, pop.
11:46It's the British thing.
11:47I know a place that I've got to get to.
11:50Package holiday, flying jet two.
11:52Three euro beer, two euro shot.
11:54It's just like the pub by my house but hot.
11:57Alicante, Mallorca and Benidorm.
11:59I don't want to speak Spanish in any form.
12:02In your football shirt, in my carry-on.
12:04So everybody knows I'm also from where they are from.
12:08Everything we need, many we can read.
12:10On the big screen, they've got West Ham leads.
12:13Come on!
12:14Oh, my God.
12:14Lexington, while we Brexit in Spanish in my lexicon.
12:17I'm wearing a sombrero, even though VCs are Mexican.
12:19I met a last request and I was sexing.
12:21No protection.
12:21Make a bunch of babies, bring them back to the British.
12:24We speak pop, pop, pop, pop.
12:26We're in the Mediterranean.
12:28We speak pop, pop, pop, pop, pop.
12:31And we don't speak Spanian.
12:34I'm blaze, import the walkers in my little pie.
12:37Yeah, that's where the pork is.
12:38HB, Rochester, got all the sauces.
12:41Many so extravagant, I'm having four courses.
12:43Eggs.
12:43And chips.
12:44And chips.
12:44Pasta.
12:45And chips.
12:45Fish, fingers, and the frozen garlic bread.
12:47And lemon rings.
12:48Neal, dammit, trip you at playing the hits.
12:50Some burnt ladies are swinging the hitch.
12:52Oh, we're going to Ibiza.
12:56Me and all my chicas.
12:58To eat some chips and pizza.
13:01I know that British things pop, pop, pop, pop.
13:05I'm playing darts with Dada.
13:06A British thing pop, pop, pop, pop.
13:09Why does Melissa look sad?
13:31What the f*** are you talking about?
13:33Don't just make up words.
13:35Guys, this isn't right.
13:36We've come all this way just to replicate our own culture.
13:39Like, surely we should at least broaden our horizon.
13:42She's right.
13:43We're too narrow-minded.
13:44There's got to be more to Spain than British-themed pubs.
13:47Hey.
13:49I know a kiss.
13:55Follow me.
13:55Follow me.
13:58To the Irishies.
14:00To the Irishies.
14:00Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho.
14:02Only thing better than a British is an Irishies.
14:05Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho.
14:07Even though they are quite similar.
14:09Irishies, ho.
14:09Come on, you sexy mamas.
14:11I got the Irish poppers.
14:12Got no potatoes, Travis, but I got the plain potatoes.
14:14From Dublin to Marbella.
14:15I've never tried paella, but I'm a lucky fella.
14:18Cause I own an Irishies pub.
14:20In speed.
14:52I've got Amy.
14:53She's alive and she stays that way if you listen carefully.
14:57I need 250 grand in cash.
15:00So I guess how much do you care about your girlfriend?
15:06What?
15:07What?
15:08Hi.
15:09Sorry.
15:10Um.
15:12Um.
15:13It's just, we haven't really been, um, saying, uh, girlfriend boyfriend.
15:19Um.
15:20But I'm really comfortable with like everything else you've said so far.
15:23Shut up.
15:23I'm warning you.
15:30I've got Amy.
15:31She's alive.
15:32And if you want to see your friend.
15:34Oh.
15:34No.
15:35Sorry.
15:38Just to clarify, we are seeing each other.
15:41Like he's practically my boyfriend.
15:45Um.
15:47Yeah.
15:47You got it.
15:47You go.
15:48Go.
15:48Go.
15:48Go.
15:48Go.
15:53I've got Amy.
15:54She's alive.
15:55God.
15:55It would just literally kill me if you knew I was referring to him as my boyfriend.
16:05Okay.
16:06So.
16:06You're sleeping together?
16:08Yeah.
16:09So basically, we were friends first.
16:14Um.
16:14And then we had this kiss.
16:15But it was just this like drunk thing.
16:17Like we didn't even speak about it.
16:19Which is like crazy.
16:20Like you would have thought like I'd have the confidence to like just bring it up.
16:23But like I'm not an extrovert.
16:25Like what everyone thinks.
16:26Like.
16:27Like.
16:28I'm hesitant to join my boyfriend.
16:29Join a conga line.
16:30For God's sake.
16:31So yeah.
16:32Then like a few weeks later.
16:33We.
16:34Um.
16:34We.
16:35Randomly slept together.
16:36And then we just like kept sleeping together.
16:37And then you put me in the boot of your car.
16:39And now we're here.
16:39So like.
16:40What would you decide?
16:46Listen.
16:48When I was watching you.
16:50Both through the tiny crack in the wardrobe door.
16:55I thought you looked really comfortable together.
16:59Oh my god.
17:00Oh my god.
17:01Oh my god.
17:02Girl.
17:02Thank you for saying.
17:04Um.
17:05Like.
17:06I don't know like.
17:07We do know each other intimately.
17:09And like.
17:09Like I could describe his handwriting to you.
17:13Oh my god.
17:15I'm so sorry.
17:16I don't know why I'm getting so upset.
17:17No.
17:18No of course.
17:19I mean this is an intense situation.
17:21I've got a gun.
17:23I know I should just like not care.
17:25But like you so fit.
17:26Like.
17:27He's like a fit version of you.
17:30Yeah.
17:30I mean hey.
17:31You don't have to tell me twice.
17:32You know.
17:33I saw him when I was creeping on you.
17:37Okay.
17:37Like.
17:38You can like totally say.
17:40If this is crazy obviously.
17:41But like.
17:41Do you think there's a way.
17:43You could ask him where his head's at?
17:48Girl.
17:49Girl.
17:49I gotta ask for the money anyway.
17:51So.
17:51Of course.
17:53Um.
17:54Just.
17:54Send it on my phone.
17:57Oh.
17:57I.
17:58I.
17:58Probably should have taken that off you before.
18:00Probably.
18:01So.
18:01I'll.
18:02Text him.
18:02Um.
18:03No.
18:03We're not married.
18:04Just Instagram DM.
18:11I have Amy.
18:12I need to know.
18:14Do you care about her?
18:16Do you want her to be your girlfriend?
18:19Do you have other girls to fall back on if she goes missing?
18:23I mean.
18:23What are your hopes for the future?
18:26Like.
18:26Do you even want to have kids?
18:28And once I know all that.
18:31I'll send through the demands.
18:33Oh.
18:36Oh my God.
18:37Are you so nervous?
18:38I know.
18:39Like.
18:39What if he airs me?
18:40Oh.
18:41Hey.
18:41If he won't pay.
18:42If he won't pay 250 grand.
18:44To stop me from chopping into little pieces.
18:46Then.
18:47He doesn't deserve you.
18:48Oh.
18:51Oh.
18:51Oh my God.
18:52He's typing.
18:55He stopped.
18:55Oh.
18:56Should I send them another text?
18:57No.
18:57No.
18:57Don't double text.
18:58Um.
19:00Maybe we should upload an Instagram story of your little girl handing my boy hand.
19:04Oh my God.
19:04Okay.
19:05It's genius.
19:06Oh my God.
19:06He sent a video.
19:09Mate.
19:10Yo.
19:11Listen.
19:11I'm sorry that you were being held hostage like that and all that and all that stuff.
19:15But.
19:16I just feel like I really need to be single right now.
19:20Obviously.
19:20Like.
19:21If you do escape.
19:22Then link me.
19:23And um.
19:23I can.
19:24Babe.
19:24I'm coming.
19:25Babe.
19:25Oh my God.
19:29Oh my God.
19:30Oh my God.
19:30I'm.
19:31I'm so sorry that's happened to you babe.
19:32Babe.
19:33Like.
19:33I'm sorry this has happened to you.
19:34Like.
19:34You clearly put so much work into like.
19:37Like.
19:38Setting this whole thing up.
19:39No.
19:39It's like.
19:40So.
19:40It's so not on that I'm gonna have to kill you now.
19:42Babe.
19:43Like.
19:43In the spirit of being direct.
19:45Like.
19:46I have taken your gun.
19:49Okay.
19:50But I am gonna escape.
19:52Oh.
19:52She's the CEO of her own future.
20:00Promise me.
20:01You won't go back to him.
20:02Babe.
20:03I will.
20:04Help.
20:08Help.
20:16I will.
20:17I will.
20:18I will.
20:18Sweetheart.
20:18It's one in the morning.
20:19What are you doing?
20:20Putting the clocks forward daddy.
20:22Daylight saving time.
20:23If we don't change the clocks.
20:25Tonight.
20:26He'll get us.
20:27Who's gonna get us Eleanor?
20:28The time man.
20:29He waits for us at the end of every year.
20:31And brings the new one in with song.
20:33He keeps the seasons in his pockets the keeper of the clocks the boogie-woogie man
20:42It's true he brings the new year in with his hootenanny and every spring flies across the country to check
20:48that we've changed the clocks
20:52Presence our souls in this boogie-woogie wonderland. I know all the stories come on. Let's get the bed, okay
21:03He's here
21:04Ladies and gentlemen, Olivia D
21:10Better change of clocks. I'm nearly here
21:21Good evening everybody have you had a good winter
21:24Yeah
21:25James Cullen's here
21:31Just don't everyone playing a cut up a new album super deep allow
21:37He wants his hour if we give him his hour then he'll go. Oh very good bang on time sting
21:42will be pleased
21:43Yes
21:50He forgot the oven
21:52Where's my hour?
21:55Oh god
21:58Big year for you dad. What's next?
22:01I think he wants an anecdote
22:03Does it have to be funny?
22:04Not really
22:04Tell the lovely people what's in store
22:06God my soul would end it
22:08God dear everybody
22:10We love you. We welcome you
22:11More jewels
22:12Well, I'm not called Jewel Holland am I?
22:15Ha ha
22:16Ha ha
22:17Jesse Jay? What are you doing?
22:19I forgot to change the clocks on my DVD player
22:22Now the tools are my soul
22:24You don't give me my hour
22:27Why don't you join me in my boogie woogie wonderland
22:31Forever
22:33Hoogie woogie wonderland
22:34Hoogie woogie wonderland
22:39Dad?
22:41Losing hour
22:42Not your dad
22:43Keep your clip forward tonight
22:45Visit dub.uk for our fast-world baby's hour for more
22:52Okay, just signing up guys
22:54This is the big moment mother and son reunited after years of war
22:59Okay, we've got some eye drops if you need help with the crying
23:03I'm happy to give it a go without
23:05Yeah me too
23:05Okay, right
23:06Well, let's just go for one
23:08See what happens
23:09Yeah?
23:09Rolling
23:12The battle within
23:13Take one
23:17And action
23:20Mother
23:21I'm home
23:29Oh my son
23:31Oh my son
23:34Oh my son
23:39Oh my son
23:40Oh my son
23:43Oh my son
23:43Oh my son
23:46Oh my son
23:48Sorry, it's her line
23:50Oh sorry!
23:51Sorry!
23:52Yes, um, so Stella, a little quicker in on the line
23:54Yes, quicker on the line
23:55Yep, yep, yep
23:56Okay, great, and remember, you're a mother being reunited with her son
23:59Okay?
24:01Yes
24:01Got it?
24:02Okay, rolling
24:04The battle within
24:05Take two
24:09And...
24:09Action!
24:12Mother
24:13I'm home
24:15I'm home
24:16Oh
24:16Oh my son
24:17Oh my son
24:20Oh my son
24:22Oh
24:24I've dreamed of this day
24:28Do I seem very different?
24:31Well, um
24:32I need to...
24:33I need to get a look at you to answer that
24:36Sorry
24:38You look the same as ever
24:40Oh God, I...
24:41I missed you, Mummy
24:43You know, I...
24:45I had the strangest time of the day
24:48I've met this old man
24:50Whoa!
24:53Not too long
24:53Whoa!
24:54I don't think that's the story, love
24:56No, no, no, sorry
24:57No, sorry, I wasn't
24:58No, I was just leaning in to listen
25:00I was like, what are you saying?
25:01What are you saying, sir?
25:03Yeah
25:04So Stella, you're playing his mother
25:06Yeah, yeah
25:07Okay
25:08Do you think, um, the skirt's maybe like a little bit cinched for mum
25:11Yeah, I'm not worried about that
25:12Yeah, yeah, yeah
25:13Okay, we're losing time
25:14Michael, we really need to get that speech
25:16Are you happy to just go for it?
25:17Yeah, I'm ready, yeah, yeah
25:18Okay, Stella, just reactions from you, okay?
25:21Okay
25:22Really almost nothing at all
25:23Yeah
25:23Okay, we're still rolling
25:25All right
25:26Just reactions
25:26Okay
25:28Action!
25:28When?
25:30I know I'm back, but
25:32In a sense, I'm
25:34Not really here
25:35Mm-hmm
25:37The things I've seen
25:39Yeah
25:40The things I've done
25:41Oh
25:42Yeah
25:46Mother
25:48My, my mother
25:50Yeah
25:50Yeah, yeah
25:50Yes
25:52I've done some bad things
25:53Oh, yes
25:54I mean, no, oh, no
25:56Oh, no
25:58It keeps me up at night
26:00Oh
26:01All night long, son
26:04I did some terrible things in, in the war
26:07Oh, naughty
26:10You, you were so naughty in the war
26:13Cut!
26:14Sorry, it's all right
26:14I'm sorry
26:15This is not working for me at all
26:17Okay
26:17Get her out of here!
26:18No, no, no, no, no, I can do it
26:19No, I can do it, I can do it
26:20I can do it
26:21I'm on my side, my sexy side
26:24They thought there was a chance this might happen
26:26So don't worry
26:27We've already got another actress lined up, ready to go
26:29Come on
26:30Oh, my son
26:31Oh
26:32Oh
26:32Oh
26:34What is happening?
26:35No, wait
26:36I actually like this one
26:39Okay, that's done to everyone
26:41Oh
26:42Oh
26:42Oh
26:43Oh
26:48Ladies and gentlemen, Wolf Ellis
26:50Woah
26:54Thank you
27:00I love and make magnetic properties
27:04Brodyuir song from yawning like they came from me
27:07I don't need the soul
27:08I know they didn't need to do
27:10Just need an answer to the questioning attack you see
27:13My sister painting�로, it has or incumbent
27:16But I never thought it was their sex and advice
27:19It's my choice to choose who I am, that's your family
27:23My choice to choose, yeah, my choice to choose, yeah
27:26Know who I have, that's important to me
27:32Do what I got to see the wind from the trees
27:39Know who I have, that's important to me
27:44That the branch is right there on her
27:52I can just wander away, I can leave on the side of this breeze
27:58I do not need no room in me, I carry you home with me
28:05To be a normal body, all the ways that the children will see
28:12I can see me burn away, baby
28:15Why it's more so scary, baby
28:30I can never have magnetic properties
28:34Wrote a scholar from the island that they kept for me
28:37I don't need to solve my unknown identity
28:41Just need an answer to the question in the taxi
28:44My sister, pain, apathy, life, blasphemy
28:47I've seen Godwinner, people closest to me
28:50My choice to choose who I am, that's your family
28:53I choose you, yeah, I choose you
28:56Now here I am, that's important to me
29:02Do what I get to see the wind from the trees
29:09Now here I am, that's important to me
29:15Let the branches wrap their heart
29:21Yeah, I am
29:23I can just wander away, I can leave on the side of this breeze
29:29I do not need no room in me, I carry you home with me
29:36To be a normal body, all the waves of the channel sea
29:42I can see the wind from the wind
29:46I can see the wind from the trees
29:49Now here I am, that's important to me
29:54Do what I get to see the wind from the trees
30:00Now here I am, that's important to me
30:07Let the branches wrap their heart
30:12Let the branches wrap their heart
30:14Let the branches wrap their heart
30:21I am, that's important to me
30:23I can just wander away, like a leaf on the side of this breeze
30:28I do not need no need, I carry home with me
30:34Through the annum and flowing
30:37On the waves of the Chimpo Sea
30:40I can see angels waiting
30:44Quiet for the sky
31:19It's Weekend Update
31:22With Tanya Magriano
31:24And Patty Young
31:33Good evening and welcome to Weekend Update
31:37I'm Patty Young
31:38And I'm Anya Magriano
31:42In a world of darkness, horror and despair
31:45We're here to make it worse
31:48Let's have it
31:51The conflict in the Middle East continues to escalate
31:54Israel has intercepted a missile from Yemen
31:57Which has been identified as a Houthi missile
31:59As in, Houthi hell fired that missile
32:04While Trump has been insisting that Iran wants a deal so badly
32:08An Iranian military spokesperson has said
32:10Our first and last word from the very first day
32:14Has been, is and will remain
32:16Someone like us will never come to terms with someone like you
32:20Not now and not ever
32:22Oh my god, just kiss already
32:27Corey Edwards, a reform candidate in Wales
32:30Has stepped down
32:31After being photographed while appearing to do a Nazi salute
32:34Reform leader Nigel Farage said it looks terrible
32:37And he's right
32:38The arm's too low, he's grinning
32:41And where's his swastika?
32:42When did Nazis get so sloppy?
32:45Chancellor Rachel Reeves has indicated
32:48That millions of households will get no help from the government
32:51To pay soaring energy bills
32:53Thanks, bitch
32:58A US congressman has made a direct plea to Sarah Ferguson
33:01To testify about her close personal and business ties to Jeffrey Epstein
33:06But to be fair to Fergie, she does have a full diary
33:13Reports have revealed that in the upcoming musical adaptation of Trainspotting
33:18The main character will be addicted not only to heroin
33:21But also to social media
33:24The show will premiere in July
33:26And is being directed by your year 11 drama teacher
33:31Leonid Ravinsky, the owner of OnlyFans, has died
33:34So gentlemen, when you're visiting the site this week
33:36Lower your penises to half mass
33:41Beautiful funeral, by the way
33:43Wasn't a dry tissue in the house
33:47And now
33:48It seems like the whole world is at war
33:50Russia and Ukraine
33:52The Middle East
33:53Chapel Rhone and that tiny girl
33:55By the way, it was actually Sabrina Carpenter's bodyguard
33:58But anyway
33:59War
33:59We could just keep making jokes about it
34:02But first, we do want to check
34:04Are you okay?
34:10This is Hand in Hand with Anya and Pad
34:14We're here to tell you that it's going to be okay
34:16Because we've got each other
34:17World War III, sounds scary, huh?
34:20But we've already had two
34:22And don't they say good things come in threes?
34:26Good things can come from war
34:29Antibiotics, jet engines
34:30Something to talk to your dad about
34:33If London gets bombed
34:35House prices will drop
34:37And so will house numbers
34:39We'll all get to live across the two houses that are left
34:42Like in Friends
34:44It might sound scary to have missiles rain down on us
34:47But look on the bright side
34:49Stephen Bartlett might get his face blown off
34:55And who's to say we won't come out on top
34:57As a nation, we've beaten them all
34:59The French, the Germans, foot and mouth
35:03And sure, the bad guys might win and we end up speaking Ukrainian
35:10But don't worry
35:11We're in this together
35:12We've got you
35:14We've got each other
35:15This has been Hand in Hand with Paddy and Anya
35:25Research has found that pregnant women on the tube
35:28Have to stand for an average of five stops
35:31Before being offered a seat
35:32It seems like a bit of social, basic social etiquette
35:35But please, if you're watching men
35:37Wear a condom
35:40Lux Maxine influencer Clavicula has been arrested
35:43And I'm sure he has no regrets about dedicating his life
35:46To making himself look like a beautiful young boy
35:48Right before he was taken to jail
35:54The former Tory justice minister, Crispin Blunt
35:57Has admitted to hosting chemsex parties
36:00And has been fined £1,200 for possessing illegal drugs
36:04Including crystal meth and the sedative GBL
36:07I have to say, he looks surprisingly grumpy
36:10For someone who loves being jacked up on meth
36:13Blunt told the court that he got involved in the chemsex party scene
36:17To help inform government policy
36:21Blunt is set to publish his research
36:23In a parliamentary advisory paper entitled
36:25Oh my God guys, you have to try chemsex
36:29In his speech to the court
36:31Blunt called for all drugs to be legalised
36:33But he acknowledged that the chemsex lifestyle
36:35Did carry risks
36:36Like coming so hard you drop your poppers
36:40Trust me
36:41It happens
36:43In lighter news
36:45The town of Grantham in Lincolnshire
36:47Has announced that it's reviving its medieval onion fair
36:50The event on October 10th
36:52Will see onion tastings
36:53Onion-themed street food
36:55Onion-flavoured drinks
36:56And an onion-eating competition
36:57So if you're looking for something fun to do on October 10th
37:02Why not avoid Grantham?
37:05An AI-generated military influencer and foot fetish model
37:09Has reached over a million followers on Instagram
37:12There she is in her military-grade stilettos
37:16Honestly, what kind of a sad, sexually frustrated loser
37:20Would sit alone fantasising about her for hours in my bedroom last night?
37:25A new documentary reveals K-pop group BTS
37:29Struggled to return to music after mandatory military service
37:32So, did the stress of this overstimulate Jimin
37:35Causing Sunflower spillover
37:36And micro-snaps towards Jungkook?
37:39And what now?
37:40Will V's whimsical detours cause the deep-thinker RM to become overprotective?
37:44And what about the push-ball duo of Sugar and J-Hope?
37:47Can Jin be the quiet stabiliser
37:49Anchoring Jungkook with micro-bubble maintenance?
37:51Or will V use his whimsy shield to offset bubble drift
37:54And soften Jimin with mirror gestures?
37:57No idea
37:59I haven't even heard of BTS
38:03A new report has said that birth rates in the UK are falling
38:07And for a change, us girls are getting the blame for it
38:10Reform's Matt Goodwin has said that the problem is women
38:13Having children too late in life
38:16You know who I wish left having a baby till it was too late in life, Matt Goodwin?
38:20Your mum
38:50Here to discuss the ins and outs
38:50Men like you
38:52Like me? How is this my fault?
38:54Paddy, no one looks at you and thinks, yes
38:56Your genes must be preserved for the next generation
39:00What's wrong with old pads?
39:01When was the last time you changed your bedding?
39:03Can you drive?
39:04Have you drunk water today?
39:06Had a shower?
39:06How is he going to impregnate anyone?
39:09He's completely dehydrated
39:11His sperm probably looks like dusty oak
39:14Wait a second
39:15What if I told you that most women actually want to have children?
39:18And I'm going to have to say the quiet part out loud
39:21The fact of the matter is men are very, very difficult to be around
39:28Anya, have you watched a man eat?
39:31It's not good
39:32It's so scary
39:34This generation of men just aren't up to it
39:36They're easily overwhelmed
39:38Some even have the audacity to grow a moustache
39:42Moustache is for men with full driving licence
39:46So, what is your solution to a generation of women being repulsed by the idea of having my children?
39:51I'm so glad you asked
39:52To me, we have two options
39:53We bank the sperm of the gays
39:56The practicing gays, to be exact
39:58And we just use that, yes
40:00Or we milk three to five high-value males
40:04Whose seed would actually be useful to us
40:07So, for example, people like Martin Lewis, money-saving expert
40:11Yes!
40:13Ayoade, we can't milk Martin Lewis
40:15We need him on the front line
40:16To be fair, you're right
40:17You're right
40:18We can't lose our strongest soldier
40:20Thank you, Jordan
40:21And us fertility expert
40:22Ayoade Banboya, everybody
40:25Can we come back, mate?
40:27I'm Paddy Young
40:27I'm Andrew Magliano
40:28Good night
41:03Please, I can't do it anymore
41:05Please
41:06You're coming with me
41:07Please
41:14This ain't right
41:17This ain't right
41:18Pipe down for crap's sake
41:20If they hear you, it'll be lessons for all of us
41:22You
41:23What is it we do here?
41:25I can't
41:26I can't
41:27I need to hear you say it
41:28What is it we do here?
41:31You know when you open a hot wrap from Pret or McDonald's
41:34And part of the wrap sticks to the inside of the packet
41:38So when you take it out
41:39The whole wrap completely falls apart
41:42We're the people who glue down that bit of a wrap
41:50I can't do this anymore
41:54It ain't right
41:59Glue in all day
42:01Glue in all night
42:03Glue in wraps
42:07Will they join my fight?
42:13Oh, God
42:14Here, Arkata
42:16The people's princess
42:18Seen her kind before, haven't we, Marty?
42:21Brave
42:22Rebellious
42:23Doesn't understand the wrap-gluing thing
42:27Pipe down, little girl
42:29You ain't got a clue
42:31Shut that shiny mouth of yours
42:33Course you ain't too much a clue
42:35We like things how we like them
42:37We're never so scared of change
42:39Being alive is suffering
42:41We exist to remind you of that
42:46But would it be so bad if the wraps came out in one piece?
42:50Ah!
42:51Face facts, Freckles
42:53It's rotten work, but someone's got to do it
42:56Do they, though?
42:59Do I smell unglued wraps?
43:01Quick, it's a pullman
43:03I am a man and that is good to run this factory
43:12My wife is dead
43:14I hate the poor
43:16And I'm the mayor
43:21Well, well, well
43:22If it ain't my stinky little workforce
43:26With their horrible faces
43:28Living their miserable lives
43:30Oh, doing exactly what they're told, I'm sure
43:37Huh
43:41Who is responsible for this?
43:46I said, who is responsible for this?
43:50Yay!
43:50Woo!
43:53Oh, tired sweetheart
43:56Cream cracking from glue and wraps
44:00Oh, you've got to always work in my other factory
44:04When we stick through polos together
44:06So they can deal into one weird cylinder
44:13Tired
44:15I'm not tired
44:17I'm the opposite of tired
44:19Whatever that is
44:22In fact
44:24I'm just getting started
44:25Stop her!
44:28Please, can't you see why we're here?
44:30We are ruining the lunches of innocent folk
44:33We mustn't turn our backs on the packs of the people on the street
44:36Who need us the most
44:38We can't
44:38You with the glue, which is true
44:40What I'm saying will stop sticking in your brain
44:42You're not listening
44:43Same old story being's dead
44:45Try to rap instead
44:46Bad luck, it's stuck
44:49We can't give up, my friend
44:54Now
45:00She's right
45:01I join the fight
45:03Me too
45:04And me
45:04She'll set us free
45:05A new life
45:06No strife
45:08Also, how is this a job?
45:12Whoa!
45:13Get off me!
45:14I said get off me!
45:16He's going to fall into the furnace
45:17No one's even touching him
45:19It's the power of the song!
45:21Curse you, you bloody little bitch!
45:24Whoa!
45:25Ah!
45:34Wow!
45:37His reign of terror is over!
45:41People of the factory walk loose down wraps
45:45We're finally free to get no jobs
45:48In an Amazon warehouse!
45:50Yes!
45:51Oh, yes!
45:56Oh, yes!
45:59I'm Ollie Duggan
46:00And I'm Natty Duggan
46:02And we are
46:02The Bean Crows
46:04Growing up, we never had much
46:06But there was always two things we could rely on
46:08Our lovely Nanny Sue
46:10And her legendary
46:11Beans on Toast
46:13Four years ago
46:14Our beautiful Nanny Sue
46:15Took out our life savings
46:16So that we could follow our dreams
46:17And open our very own food truck
46:21And since then
46:23We've sold over 50 million beans
46:24To half the customers
46:25Up and down the country
46:27We owe everything we have
46:29To our dear Nanny Sue
46:30And our kick-ass
46:31Secret recipe
46:32And before you ask
46:34Aye
46:34Our Nanny Sue
46:35Is that Sue Duggan
46:37Recently dubbed a toxic widow
46:38Because last week
46:39She was convicted
46:40Of injecting a bus full of children
46:42With hepatitis C
46:46And before you ask
46:47No, we don't know why she did it
46:49And before you ask
46:50Yes
46:51We have cut ties
46:52With our Nanny Sue
46:53Completely
46:54We're opening our first
46:56Real restaurant tomorrow
46:57And the timing
46:58Could not be worse
47:01We've got classic beans
47:02We've got Nashville barbecue beans
47:04We've got Thai bean curry beans
47:06And before you ask
47:07No, the beans will not give you hepatitis
47:10And before you ask
47:11Yes
47:12Some of the children
47:13Are still in comas
47:14Also, before you ask
47:15Yes
47:16We are both considering
47:17Chemical castration
47:19Just to make sure
47:20The evil in our bloodline
47:22Dies with us
47:27We also do chicken wings
47:30At Beans Cros
47:31There are three things
47:32We are passionate about
47:33Big flavours
47:34Good vibes
47:34And a Tory for the sins
47:36Of our wicked family
47:37That's why we've partnered
47:38With a local charity
47:39That helps rehabilitate
47:41Grandmothers convicted
47:42Of serious violent crime
47:43This is Jenny
47:44She cut the brakes
47:46On her daughter-in-law's
47:47Vauxhall Corsa
47:48Sandra posted a letter bomb
47:49To our next-door neighbour
47:50Because they left
47:51Their Christmas lights
47:52Up too long
47:54Deborah threw acid
47:56At an Uber driver
47:57Before you ask
47:58Yes
47:59It was racially motivated
48:02Fuck
48:02Fuck
48:03Fuck
48:03This is hell
48:04Boy, I don't know
48:05We have to do it ourselves
48:07So come on down
48:08To Beans Bros
48:09Because those kids
48:10Are not coming back
48:11And we don't want
48:13To go to hell
48:19Once again
48:20Wolf Ellis
48:28It really, really
48:30Made the room sing
48:33The way you said my name
48:38Like you could not believe
48:40I'll be here
48:43Though our friends are all the same
48:48I wanted you to walk on over
48:52But you turned and went the other way
48:57I followed you around the corner
49:03And I'll always picture you this way
49:06Beating against the wall
49:12You put my world
49:14You just love them all
49:22You put my name on the line
49:31You put my name on the line
49:34Doesn't anybody love you more than I do
49:38Ooh, is there anyone else in there?
49:52Is love our greatest performance?
49:57I thought as you spun me around
50:02Perfect displays of affection
50:06Well, it takes two, so there's always a crowd
50:11I dance so you will watch me
50:16That doesn't hurt my pride
50:21I like the thrill of night before me
50:26My music, courage on my mind
50:29You're leaning against the wall
50:36You put my word into love
50:45You put my name out in love
50:54Because
50:57Doesn't anybody lie
50:59What if I knew
51:03It's nothing for nothing
51:17Doesn't anybody love you more than I do?
51:23Isn't anyone my best?
51:25Isn't anyone my best?
51:29Isn't anyone my best?
51:33I'm in love
51:35Yeah
51:38I'm in love
51:43I'm in love
51:47I'm in love
51:49Is love
51:52Oh, yeah.
51:57Oh, yeah.
52:45Oh, right.
52:47Home time, I think.
52:48Oh, sorry.
52:49Look, I've been trying to keep my cool all night,
52:52but I'm such a huge fan of yours.
52:54I can't believe ex-international rugby player Jason Robertson,
52:58OBE, is actually dating my wife's best friend.
53:02Oh, thanks.
53:04You know, I have to say I was quite good at rugby myself.
53:08Oh, yeah?
53:09Yeah, yeah, yeah.
53:10No, I probably could have gone pro if it wasn't for my...
53:12Oh, no, no, no.
53:13Please, please don't say me.
53:15I hate that.
53:17Do you know how many people come up to me and say,
53:18Oh, I could have gone pro if it weren't for my knee?
53:21No, you couldn't go pro because you weren't good enough.
53:25No, I was good enough.
53:28It wasn't actually my knee.
53:29I had a different, like, a rare condition.
53:32What condition?
53:36Oh, oh, one sec, I'm just going to get another drink.
53:39All right.
53:41Did he finally mention the rugby?
53:42Yeah, big time.
53:43Oh, he loves it so much, bless him.
53:45Did he freak out?
53:46Oh, no, no, he was going on about how he could have gone pro
53:49if it weren't for his condition.
53:52His what?
53:52Yeah.
53:53Babe, sorry, can I see you in the kitchen for a second?
53:55Yeah.
53:55Yeah.
53:57What's up?
53:59Uh, I've gone and bloody cut my balls off
54:02and super glued them onto my hips, haven't I?
54:10You've what?
54:15I've cut off my balls and stuck them to my hips.
54:18But part of that, don't you understand?
54:22Why?
54:24I panicked, I panicked.
54:26I needed a serious condition,
54:27otherwise he's not going to like me.
54:30He's going to think I'm just one of those, like,
54:32I could have been a pro if it wasn't for my knee guys.
54:35You are that.
54:37Please.
54:37This is my last chance to be friends with a genuine rugby player.
54:40Just let me have this.
54:43Fine.
54:44Fine.
54:49Does anyone want more wine?
54:52Because I need a drink.
54:55You all right, mate?
54:56Yeah.
54:59He's, um, he's got this rare condition
55:02and it's just flaring up.
55:04Don't be ashamed, Jonathan.
55:05Show them.
55:08Yeah.
55:09Yeah.
55:10Uh.
55:14Oh, what the fuck?
55:16Whoa, whoa, whoa.
55:20Yeah, I was, um, I was born with it.
55:23It's called, um, it's called scrotumus hip-tumums.
55:29Oh, what, how did that stop you playing?
55:33It's a great question.
55:36Um, everything was going great.
55:38You know, I kept it sort of hidden until I was about 15
55:40and then, then my balls dropped.
55:43And, uh, it became a problem during, uh, line-outs.
55:46You know, so, so painful, you know,
55:48getting picked up from my waist, like, crushing my balls.
55:51So, yeah.
55:53Oh, and, um, George scrums, yeah.
55:56The scrums, the lads would, you know,
55:57they'd have their ear pressed against, you know,
55:59eating my balls.
56:02Whoa, wow.
56:04I'm not going to lie.
56:05It would be hard to go pro with those.
56:08You know, you'd be in the showers looking like a,
56:11like a sparsely decorated Christmas tree.
56:14Sorry, sorry, mate, sorry, mate.
56:15That was above the belt.
56:18No, no, I respect you when you struggled, man.
56:20I was,
56:22Is he good, yeah?
56:23Yeah, he's fine.
56:24All right, well, see you at work, Soph.
56:26All right.
56:26Great to see you, Jason.
56:27Let yourselves out.
56:28Bye, Jason, mate.
56:29See you.
56:32Oh.
56:34Oh.
56:35Oh, my God.
56:37Oh.
56:39So, Soph's just asked if Jason can have your number.
56:42Yes.
56:42Yes.
56:43Well done.
56:44Oh, my balls.
56:45Oh.
56:46Oh.
57:02Well, my biggest thanks to Will Ballas, the crystal guy.
57:06Huge thank you to the cast, the writers, everyone working on the show for making such a great week.
57:12Good night.
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