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00:05Hello, I'm comedy legend Daryl O'Brien and you're watching a very special edition of
00:11Back From The Dead TV Phenomenon, Mock The Week. Our return has been literally all anyone
00:15has been talking about so far in 2026, so sit back and enjoy some of our finest moments
00:20as well as some of his new material... That f***ed that up, didn't I?
00:23Ah!
00:30Wow.
00:33Oh, oh, oh.
00:37Read about the things that happen throughout the world
00:43Don't believe in everything you see or hear
00:49Read all about it, read all about it
00:54News of the world, news of the world
00:57Read all about it, read all about it
01:02News of the world, news of the world
01:08Hello, I'm comedy legend Daryl O'Brien and you're watching a very special edition of
01:12Back From The Dead TV Phenomenon, Mock The Week.
01:15Our return has literally been all anyone's been talking about in 2026, so sit back and enjoy
01:20some of our finest moments as well as some new material and some outtakes.
01:24We'll be back with series two in the autumn. See you then.
01:29The people who've just arrived, you are sat next to my mum and dad.
01:33So, if you could not openly slag me off during the recording...
01:37LAUGHTER
01:38..really helped me quite a lot. Hi, guys!
01:41Were you talking to your mum and dad, then?
01:44LAUGHTER
01:45We start now with a round called, if this is the answer, what is the question?
01:48On the board are six categories.
01:50Russell, which category would you like?
01:52Um, world news, please, Dara.
01:54OK, the topic is world news. The answer is 700 billion.
01:58What is the question?
01:59Is it how many careers has Brooklyn Beckham tried?
02:03LAUGHTER
02:05Is it how much are TLC paying Dara to do this?
02:10LAUGHTER
02:11It's how much Dara asked for from TLC for settling on £50 a week
02:16and a chance to meet the cast of Milf Manor.
02:19LAUGHTER
02:21I can tell you...
02:23I just like the way they handle themselves.
02:27Is it how much would you have to pay me to watch my parents make love?
02:30LAUGHTER
02:31But there is a number.
02:33LAUGHTER
02:34So, now we can negotiate.
02:37LAUGHTER
02:37Can I just say, I'm...
02:38I'm giving the context, I'm so glad our hair didn't do that joke.
02:42LAUGHTER
02:44Is it what do our ratings have to be
02:46before someone at the BBC admits they made a mistake?
02:49LAUGHTER
02:51APPLAUSE
02:53That's nice!
02:55Is it how many times have I forgotten to finish the
02:57do you have ADHD test?
02:59LAUGHTER
03:02Is it how many messages have there been in the female comedian's
03:05WhatsApp group since the David Walliams stuff came out?
03:08LAUGHTER
03:09Is it how far down the channel list is TLC?
03:14LAUGHTER
03:16APPLAUSE
03:18We salute you, those of you who set off an hour ago,
03:21no, no, no.
03:22I know what's on there!
03:24Is it the age of consent for a galaxy?
03:27LAUGHTER
03:30Is it according to HMRC, how much money is just too difficult to tact?
03:36LAUGHTER
03:38LAUGHTER
03:39LAUGHTER
03:39LAUGHTER
03:40LAUGHTER
03:40That wasn't, that wasn't.
03:41I thought it was very satirical.
03:43You'd be like, wow, that's relatable content.
03:48None of those are the correct answer.
03:49Can somebody give me the correct answer?
03:51If this is the first episode of Mock the Week on TLC,
03:54what episode is it on Dave?
03:57LAUGHTER
03:59Does any of them have the correct answer?
04:00Is it how much would Greenland actually cost the USA were they
04:04to buy it?
04:05Thank you very much, Hugh.
04:07APPLAUSE
04:12It's the chair.
04:13It's just the chair.
04:14Total force of having their hats there.
04:17Before we go on to this, can we just say, look, generally, hello.
04:20It's lovely to be back.
04:21I hope you're well and it's a delight to be here.
04:24Thank you very much for coming in, joining us here at the end.
04:28APPLAUSE
04:31Oh, that was it.
04:32That was the whole welcome back thing.
04:33OK, I can do more welcome back if you want.
04:35I just wanted to say I feel a bit bad for the viewers
04:37because when they brought back Gladiators,
04:38they had fit, young, sexy new ones.
04:41They didn't bring out the old ones again.
04:45LAUGHTER
04:48They were like, oh, who's on Mock the Week?
04:49I was just saying, oh, God!
04:53OK, here we go.
04:54The first subject is unlikely lines from a blockbuster movie.
04:58Every time I think I'm out, they pull me back in.
05:02Sundays, 9 o'clock on TLC.
05:05LAUGHTER
05:07APPLAUSE
05:08Why must we take it and drop it into the fires of Mount Doom?
05:12Because you took more than two seconds to answer the door
05:14and that's our policy here at DPD.
05:17LAUGHTER
05:17LAUGHTER
05:21Simba, I have brought you a sandwich.
05:25Tuna, tomato.
05:28LAUGHTER
05:29LAUGHTER
05:34I'm just a girl standing in front of a boy
05:36asking him to notice that my hair
05:38is a completely different f***ing colour today.
05:41LAUGHTER
05:43We're sending you to the Caribbean, Bond.
05:45We need you to befriend a nonce.
05:48LAUGHTER
05:53Finally, we meet, Bond.
05:55I just need to finish my interpretive dance
05:57and I'll be bothered with you.
05:59LAUGHTER
06:05If you only watch one movie this year, watch F1.
06:08The gripping story of a function key on a computer keyboard.
06:13LAUGHTER
06:16The next round is called audience question time.
06:20We throw those open to the studio audience
06:22and invite them to ask us questions on any topic.
06:24Is there an Ed here?
06:26There's Ed there, absolutely, in that row there.
06:28Would you have a question for us?
06:30Now.
06:30Yeah, now.
06:32LAUGHTER
06:32If you're on, Ed, I can give you more of a build-up to it.
06:35LAUGHTER
06:35On the count of three, Ed.
06:37Three, two, one.
06:39Dara, do you think you have any celebrity look-alikes?
06:42Oh, do I? Or is there anyone else?
06:44Do you have any celebrity look-alikes?
06:46Anyone who's 50 and bald, and I'm trying to...
06:48I mean, like, the Mitchell brothers.
06:51The one thing I'm not short of is look-alikes.
06:53No-one else trades on look-alikes in the same way that I do.
06:55No, Minions guy.
06:56The Minions guy.
06:57Yeah, yeah.
06:58Hunky Dumpy.
06:58Megabuzz guy.
06:59Hunky Dumpy, that's a...
07:01I've got a celebrity look-alike, but, like, obviously,
07:04I appreciate that, like, I can say it.
07:07Do you know what I mean?
07:07If you said it, it'd be weird.
07:09But I can say...
07:11Idris Elba.
07:12LAUGHTER
07:14You're right.
07:15It would be...
07:18I wouldn't like to come across as racist by denying that.
07:20LAUGHTER
07:22I don't get many celebrity look-alikes,
07:24but I did get someone on Twitter once told me
07:25I look like Ron Weasley's mum after a couple of bad divorces.
07:29LAUGHTER
07:31It has been said that I look like a cross between
07:33Gerard Depardieu and Orinoco the Womble.
07:40What about the time you were mistaken for Al Murray?
07:42Oh, that's the best!
07:43A man...
07:44A man walked in genuinely, cos Al Murray lives not far from me,
07:46and I was walking on the street and a man walked in and said,
07:48hello, Al Murray, and I said, I'm not Al Murray,
07:52and he went, oh, sorry, hello, Poblando.
07:57LAUGHTER
07:59APPLAUSE
08:00The next round is called Between the Lines,
08:03it features Hugh and Rhys.
08:04Would you make your way to the press pit, please?
08:06Rhys will deliver a speech in the guise of a leading figure
08:08on the world stage, while Hugh will translate what it really means.
08:11This week, Rhys, is Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor.
08:14LAUGHTER
08:18Are you f***ing kidding me?
08:20You told me I was going to be Cristiano Ronaldo.
08:24Hello, it's me, Mr. Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor.
08:31LAUGHTER
08:35What happened?
08:38I am currently facing some personal challenges.
08:42And that is putting it f***ing mildly.
08:45Things are starting to get serious for me.
08:48I've suddenly realised I do sweat.
08:52I realise now, I should have kept better company.
08:55Marrying Fergie was a terrible idea.
08:58LAUGHTER
08:59I'm getting a lot of criticism,
09:01but remember all the good things I've done.
09:06LAUGHTER
09:14When I was a royal, I used to work like a dog.
09:17I spent my time on all fours, panting a lot.
09:21LAUGHTER
09:22It's been incredibly exhausting, moving house.
09:25You would not believe how hard it is to bubble wrap a horse.
09:31LAUGHTER
09:36If you accuse me, I will defend myself robustly.
09:39I will give you £12 million to shut the f*** up.
09:43LAUGHTER
09:44These claims about me and Epstein are ancient history.
09:47Some of them are over 17 years old.
09:50LAUGHTER
09:53LAUGHTER
09:56APPLAUSE
10:0017 years old.
10:02LAUGHTER
10:03Thank you very much, Rhys and you!
10:06APPLAUSE
10:08It's Operation Epic Fury.
10:11Yeah, Epic Fury, isn't it?
10:12So American, isn't it?
10:13Might as well call it Operation Kaboom.
10:15LAUGHTER
10:16What they should be calling it is Operation Distract Everyone
10:19from the Epstein files for a bit.
10:21APPLAUSE
10:22Oh, shit, I've started a rally.
10:25Do you think it was good calling it Operation Epic Fury
10:28when Operation Muller Cornered was right there?
10:31LAUGHTER
10:33LAUGHTER
10:35It's not the most FIFA piece price thing he's done.
10:39LAUGHTER
10:40I will say that while that's maybe not the most important thing
10:44in some ways, it is quite the most striking thing
10:46that he's the first person to ever host a World Cup
10:48and bomb one of the participants in the building of the place.
10:52LAUGHTER
10:52There are a lot of clever people out there.
10:54I mean, you remember Saddam Hussein,
10:55he had a degree in chemistry and combined in humanities.
10:59LAUGHTER
11:02Where is the...
11:04This is the...
11:06I just...
11:06I love that you just move on.
11:10LAUGHTER
11:10You never dignify Milton with response, you just turn away.
11:15I think the timing of it is it gives it its time and then we move on.
11:19That's absolutely what we should do.
11:20This is the Situation Room from which this was launched.
11:23Where is this top-secret, secure room?
11:26Is it at a wedding venue?
11:27It looks like they've just cornered off a bit of a wedding venue.
11:29He's very much at a wedding venue.
11:31It's got all the security of a mum holding a towel
11:33in front of you at the beach.
11:35LAUGHTER
11:37What's happening? Are they saying,
11:38please stop talking about the war?
11:40Yeah, sort of.
11:42Can I remind you that you asked us?
11:45Moving on.
11:46What have shoplifters in the UK been targeting?
11:48Chocolate bars.
11:49Yes, chocolate bars.
11:51Apparently there was one man was found with a coat full,
11:55stuffed full with Cadbury's cream eggs.
11:57And, reader, I married him.
12:01Yeah, chocolate bars have become the thing to steal now.
12:03There are lots of high-value chocolates out there.
12:06Freddo's a 45p now.
12:08Fuck off!
12:08Yeah, that's the real chocolate crime.
12:1145p for Freddo.
12:12I can't believe people are stealing chocolate.
12:15Maybe they should put a bounty on their head.
12:17Yay!
12:20APPLAUSE
12:24I can't believe you...
12:25You can edit that out of your mouth.
12:27I can't believe you didn't believe in that,
12:29which is clearly the best joke of the entire show.
12:32I did read the story about the guy
12:35who was caught with a coat full of cream eggs
12:37and all I could think is, obviously I don't condone violence,
12:40but imagine if they'd shot him.
12:42LAUGHTER
12:45Oh!
12:46Oh, no!
12:46Oh!
12:47It's white and yellow!
12:49White and yellow!
12:50Oh!
12:50This guy appears to have cum everywhere.
12:54LAUGHTER
12:57Like in a movie going,
12:58You made me cum my own cum!
13:02Oh, my God!
13:04I'm washing my hands and I'm washing my hands,
13:06but the fondant won't cum off.
13:08LAUGHTER
13:10Is that better?
13:11Is that more they wanted?
13:12LAUGHTER
13:14We can go back to the movie.
13:15The Joyce says,
13:16insensitivity about the wall
13:17or cum jokes about cream eggs?
13:20LAUGHTER
13:21We only have two tones here.
13:24Supermarkets are too accusatory anyway, man.
13:26Whenever you're at the self-checkout,
13:27it says, have you swiped your nectar card?
13:29It's like, no, I signed up for it fair and square.
13:31What are you talking about?
13:32They said that they're being stolen to order, right?
13:36And I just think, well, surely everything's stolen
13:38because someone wants it.
13:40Yeah.
13:40Who's going, that looks shit?
13:41I'll have it.
13:43LAUGHTER
13:44It's closing enough.
13:46LAUGHTER
13:48LAUGHTER
13:51Join us after the break for more Mock The Week.
14:02Now we play a round called You Think That's Bad?
14:06In a world where everything seems to be going wrong,
14:08this is a chance for our performers to compete,
14:10to outdo each other with tales of woe from their lives
14:11and I decide whose is the worst.
14:14Anyone care to start us off?
14:15A few months ago, me and my wife
14:17found what is clearly a lady's watch in our house
14:21and neither of us has any idea who owns it.
14:25And we have phoned people, we've asked everybody,
14:28the babysitter, the babysitter's daughter,
14:31cannot figure out who owns this watch.
14:34And my wife is not even vaguely suspicious.
14:39LAUGHTER
14:45I love the idea that she could find some, like, ladies' underwear
14:48and her first thought would be,
14:49have you started wearing ladies' underwear?
14:51LAUGHTER
14:51LAUGHTER
14:52Oh, no, the ghost is back that keeps shedding stuff.
14:56The Victorian lady ghost who keeps leaving underwear
14:59and used condoms around that house.
15:02Oh, we have to get a priest in to bless that.
15:05We have to get rid of the weird lady ghost.
15:08You think that's bad?
15:09I just bought an island for what I thought
15:11was an absolute bargain price till I found out I used to own it.
15:14LAUGHTER
15:16If you think that's bad, I once got cast to play a sex worker
15:19in a movie and I got paid less than an actual sex worker.
15:22LAUGHTER
15:23I did it.
15:25If you think that's bad, I grew up in the north-east of England
15:27and I once heard someone call into a talk radio show
15:30and start their comment with,
15:31I am racist, but...
15:34LAUGHTER
15:36If you think that's bad, I had a C-section
15:38at a teaching hospital, and if you don't know,
15:40when you have a C-section, you're awake,
15:41so I heard everything, and at one point,
15:44I heard the senior doctor say to the junior doctor,
15:46hmm, now what I would have done differently there.
15:50LAUGHTER
15:51You think that's bad?
15:52When I had my baby afterwards, I heard the doctor say,
15:55where does that bit go?
15:57LAUGHTER
16:01Just...they're just fucking with you!
16:03Actually, and when I had another baby,
16:06I heard them say...I had a Caesarean afterwards,
16:08they were sewing me up and they went,
16:09time to clean the gutters now.
16:13LAUGHTER
16:13Look at the gutters!
16:15At least they're clean, I guess, huh?
16:17I think that's bad.
16:20Um...
16:22LAUGHTER
16:24LAUGHTER
16:25Tell us, Ed!
16:25Tell us!
16:27Like, raise the bar from that!
16:28LAUGHTER
16:30Now, um, we've actually got a French exchange student
16:33in our house at the moment,
16:34and I've not met him.
16:36Because I...
16:37I never got round to getting a criminal background check,
16:40right?
16:41Which is fine, except that my wife said to me,
16:44in front of a neighbour, without context,
16:46don't forget the French exchange student's arriving tomorrow,
16:49you're not allowed to be alone with him.
16:51LAUGHTER
16:56Sorry.
16:57So, your wife doesn't suspect you have an affair with an adult woman.
17:00LAUGHTER
17:01She is worried about a French teenager.
17:05Our next round is the Quick Quiz.
17:07I'll ask the panellists a series of quickfire questions
17:09about someone or something from the news.
17:11This week, to commemorate Prime Minister Keir Star
17:13and his historic visit to the country,
17:15let's see how much you all know about China.
17:17OK.
17:18Our first question is,
17:19China owns all the what in the world?
17:23Is it Covid?
17:25LAUGHTER
17:27Is it phone chargers that catch fire while you sleep?
17:30LAUGHTER
17:31It is not that, no.
17:33It's a genuine thing.
17:34Is it like the royal family owning swans?
17:36Like, they own all the pandas?
17:37They own all the pandas, you're absolutely right.
17:40It's all there in black and white.
17:42LAUGHTER
17:43Oh, that's lovely.
17:45As a vegan, I don't think you can actually own animals.
17:49And I will not panter to the pandas!
17:52Here, here.
17:56How did Wenzu in China attempt to boost visitor numbers?
17:59Oh, teaching the pandas to give handjobs?
18:01No.
18:04Letting the punters give handjobs to the pandas.
18:07Nothing involving...
18:08Tell me it involved pandas and handjobs.
18:10Not panda wrestling, no.
18:11It did involve panjobs.
18:13LAUGHTER
18:14As for those of us who were too busy to put us all to say all the words in the
18:17sentence.
18:19No Cage Fridays?
18:22LAUGHTER
18:22You know what?
18:24Instead, they dyed dogs, black and white, to look like pandas!
18:30Oh, wow!
18:32My thing is, who would be fooled by that?
18:34Which parents would take their children and go, no, they're pandas?
18:36That's clearly not pandas.
18:38Surely it's game over when they start barking.
18:40LAUGHTER
18:42We shouldn't slag this off.
18:43At London Zoo, our meerkats are just rats in trench coats.
18:46LAUGHTER
18:48Did you know that all the meerkats in the world are actually owned by an insurance company?
18:52LAUGHTER
18:54OK, what holds parts of the Great Wall of China together?
18:56Sticky rice!
18:57No!
18:58LAUGHTER
18:58Yes!
19:00You both...
19:01No, that was a joke!
19:03What?
19:03No, no, it's true!
19:04It's sticky rice!
19:06Shut up!
19:09Sticky rice is the nickname of the guy who mends the balls.
19:12LAUGHTER
19:13That's meant...
19:14No, it's genuinely sticky rice.
19:17Wait, and you two were both guessing?
19:19Yeah!
19:19That's the most racist guess I've ever heard of all.
19:21LAUGHTER
19:22It only takes 45 minutes to be sharing the one studio
19:25before women's punchlines start to...
19:28LAUGHTER
19:31APPLAUSE
19:34Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor has consistently denied any wrongdoing.
19:38Yeah, he would though, wouldn't he?
19:40LAUGHTER
19:43Yes, for possibly revealing details when he was a trade envoy.
19:47A job that I remember I was talking about years ago on this show
19:49in a kind of a, oh, is he a trade envoy now, is he?
19:53Whereas now we have to go, he was a trade envoy.
19:56LAUGHTER
19:58To be fair to him, if you look at this picture,
20:00this was obviously a very stressful day and he's not sweating,
20:02so maybe he was telling the truth.
20:04LAUGHTER
20:06Everybody's praising this photographer for getting this nap
20:08that nobody else could get.
20:09The first thing you learn how to do with editing software
20:12is red-eye reduction.
20:14LAUGHTER
20:15And they go, I couldn't even manage that.
20:17LAUGHTER
20:19This picture as well, the guard was actually saying
20:22that there was a problem with the button trying to let them out.
20:25Yeah.
20:25That's why they were stuck there for so long.
20:27And I was thinking, what a lie.
20:28He just sat there going, no, I am pressing it.
20:31Did you get the picture here?
20:32No, I'm pressing it.
20:33Oh!
20:34Oh!
20:35Oh!
20:35It's over here.
20:37It's one of these.
20:38Oops!
20:38Oh!
20:39LAUGHTER
20:41I can't believe you've got real buttons.
20:43I have really.
20:44We just have to mine buttons.
20:45Oh, no, no.
20:46No, I genuinely can at any time.
20:47I can do it...
20:48I don't have to do it just a bit when you're over there.
20:50I can do it at any time.
20:51Wow!
20:52LAUGHTER
20:53But I choose not to, and that's real power.
20:56That's...
20:56That's...
20:57To be fair with this photo,
20:59there aren't many of us to get to see what we'd look like
21:01in an open casket, do we?
21:03LAUGHTER
21:07Because it was early in the morning, wasn't it, that they arrived?
21:10Yeah.
21:10And, like, they're saying that, like, oh, he could have been in bed
21:13and I can't not imagine him in bed with the police at the foot
21:16of his bed and him just thinking, one of these is Michael McIntyre.
21:20LAUGHTER
21:22All of it...
21:23All of it's very circumstantial because they don't actually know.
21:26They say that he could have been in bed,
21:28he could have been having breakfast, but all of it sounds really creepy.
21:32Like, he could have been eating an egg and I'm like...
21:35LAUGHTER
21:37It is bound to have an impact on his mental health, isn't it?
21:40Because, you know, what they say about the Duke of York,
21:42you know, when he was up, he was up.
21:44LAUGHTER
21:46When he's down.
21:47I mean, what was also notable about the timing of the arrest?
21:50Oh, on the birthday?
21:50He turned 66 that day.
21:53Do you reckon when he got arrested and they said date of birth
21:55and he said it, they were like,
21:56That's today, I have a birthday!
21:59LAUGHTER
22:00Well, what's the main thing that you want on your birthday,
22:03that the whole day is about you?
22:05And that couldn't have happened in a more extreme way.
22:08It's calling it his birthday week.
22:08Everyone's talking about you today. Congratulations.
22:11I think it's quite sweet.
22:12Apparently, when they knocked down the door, they went,
22:13Ha!
22:14Have you got anything to say in your defence?
22:16LAUGHTER
22:18I'm just waiting for this to come out in 24 hours
22:20in police custody.
22:21That's what I'm watching.
22:23It's going to be the best episode ever.
22:25That's going to be the greatest episode ever.
22:26Because he will do it, because he'll think,
22:27Oh, a way for me to get my side of the story out.
22:32Oh, we've got to cry for one more. Where's Emily?
22:34Hey. Hi.
22:35Hey, how are you? How are you?
22:36I'm all right, how are you?
22:36I'm good. Where are you coming from, Emily?
22:38Er, Leeds.
22:38From Leeds. Thank you very much.
22:40I was actually meant to be seeing QI tonight,
22:41but my ticket got cancelled, so...
22:46Well, let's give you some boring facts then.
22:52The largest type of whale.
22:56So, you've got this.
22:57Emily, do you have a question?
22:58Er, yeah.
22:59I'm wondering if you've got any travel tips?
23:00Based on what you said about QI,
23:02fuck off back to Leeds.
23:04LAUGHTER
23:08Who has Starmer reportedly been advised to sack?
23:11It is West Street.
23:11It is West Street-ing, yes.
23:12Who I think is doing that sort of tactic of...
23:15You do that thing where you behave like you've already got the job
23:18that you want and hope people don't notice.
23:21But, at the end of that round, the points go to Sarah, Rees and Maggie.
23:25People started clapping, that's how good you were.
23:28LAUGHTER
23:29Then press the buzzer, I dare you.
23:31LAUGHTER
23:36Oh, hello.
23:37I feel like I've just touched a US police officer's gun.
23:43Our next round is called...
23:45Oh, sorry, shit, it was points, wasn't it?
23:46Fuck...
23:47Fucked it, didn't I?
23:48Fucked it!
23:49Fucked it!
23:49You can have the job.
23:53Join us after the break for more Mock The Week.
24:03APPLAUSE
24:03Our next round is connections.
24:07I show the panel pictures of two well-known figures and asked them
24:09to tell me how they might be connected.
24:11So, what connects me to international spy James Bond?
24:17Is it that your full name is Dara Double O'Brien?
24:21LAUGHTER
24:23It's a tragedy, really, cos 007 is your sperm count, isn't it?
24:29Is that going to be fine now?
24:31How's his fault?
24:31Thank you very much.
24:33Is it that everyone thought in the reboot they'd both be played by a woman?
24:39LAUGHTER
24:41Out of my cold, dead hands.
24:44Is it sex addiction?
24:54Kill him.
24:56He's got Bond girls.
24:58Have you got O'Brien girls?
25:00O'Brien girls doesn't sound as glamorous, I've got to say.
25:03The O'Brien girls just sounds like, you know, sort of, your sisters.
25:07Oh, the O'Brien girls have been off to trouble.
25:09They've been tipping the cows again out there.
25:12O'Brien girls, it sounds like some girls who went missing,
25:14sort of, 40 years ago.
25:15Oh, no!
25:16No-one heard from the O'Brien girls again.
25:19The town is still haunted by the memory of the O'Brien girls.
25:22Is it that you've both got the licence to kill the vibe?
25:26LAUGHTER
25:28Is it that you've both got the licence to kill my career?
25:31LAUGHTER
25:32Is it that you've both had characters based on you in the Austin Powers films?
25:37LAUGHTER
25:38LAUGHTER
25:43Don't even finish that, don't even extend that.
25:45Sean, I've enjoyed your last ever appearance.
25:48Is it that you've got the licence to kill Sean's career?
25:52You've been doing the same job for decades, don't look any older.
25:56You're welcome.
25:57That's the nicest of all of them.
26:00Both just really attractive, charismatic people I have a lot of respect for.
26:04LAUGHTER
26:07Both of you think you're the main guy,
26:08but it's all the teams around you that make it good?
26:11LAUGHTER
26:12Is it both of them, despite what people may think,
26:15have actually been played by Irish people?
26:18Ooh.
26:18OK, well, played by Irish...
26:22This is not a persona I have that I've got.
26:26Irish!
26:26Yeah.
26:27After the show goes, oh, the thing that...
26:29Dara's been good to me, I suppose.
26:32Are you wearing the same outfit in these pictures?
26:34I am, although I feel I'm not wearing it as accurately as he is.
26:38I've worn tuxedos a lot over the course of my life.
26:40Did you have to pick one in which I'm like...
26:42LAUGHTER
26:45For some reason, I'm trying to give a smouldering look,
26:47and yet my child's going...
26:50His picture, obviously, is James Bond,
26:53and yours would have been hosting, like, mortgage provider...
26:55LAUGHTER
26:57Exactly!
26:59No, it's not the Institute Space.
27:01You both won't shut up about it.
27:03LAUGHTER
27:06Have you both got, like, a moon named after you?
27:09It's not... It's very close, it's not a moon, no.
27:11Constellation.
27:13Constellation would be amazing to have a constellation named.
27:15Fine, then, a fucking alien!
27:17LAUGHTER
27:19We both have an asteroid named after us.
27:21Oh!
27:22So we could all get flattened by the Dara O'Brien?
27:24Oh, yeah, no, if it gets bumped out of its path,
27:26it will destroy all life on Earth.
27:28You're not proud of that, are you?
27:29For about six weeks, I'll get a lot of coverage!
27:32LAUGHTER
27:32So why do you have this?
27:34How do you get this?
27:34Why did they name it after you?
27:36Are you a similar size?
27:37No!
27:39Pastoids aren't all that big.
27:41They're bigger than me.
27:42LAUGHTER
27:44Tonight on Mock the Week,
27:45our two teams will be fighting over the news,
27:47like seagulls over chips.
27:48Join us as we tear into the news.
27:50That's news twice, it's like...
27:51Yeah.
27:52Or you could do an impression of a seagull to end it.
27:55LAUGHTER
27:56LAUGHTER
28:00Here's my seagull, can I quickly...
28:01It's very, very quick.
28:02So I was in Portugal, I saw an English couple eating chips
28:05and this seagull tried to take one of their chips
28:07and this bloke did the most English thing ever.
28:10He turned to the seagull and went,
28:11Oi!
28:12What have I told you?
28:14And his wife went,
28:15Tony, you moron, he won't understand, he's Portuguese.
28:19LAUGHTER
28:20LAUGHTER
28:26Where is Jack?
28:27Where's Jack?
28:28Hey, Jack, how are you?
28:29How's yourself?
28:29Where are you from, Jack?
28:31Kerry, in Ireland.
28:32Thank you for...
28:33CHEERING
28:34Thank you for explaining to me where Kerry is.
28:37LAUGHTER
28:38I know you weren't.
28:39I know you weren't.
28:39She was horrified by the rest of them.
28:41He was explaining everything else,
28:42but obviously, I'm going to go,
28:43oh, jeez, I haven't forgotten, you know?
28:45The good people in TLC.
28:46Jack getting a sly dig in there.
28:48Kerry, in Ireland, do you remember it?
28:50LAUGHTER
28:52Jack, thank you very much.
28:54What's your question, by the way?
28:55I want to know, what is your best hack for living healthy?
28:58All right, you coming to me for that?
29:00Yeah, yeah.
29:01It feels like everything Jack says is a veiled attack.
29:05Eh...
29:05I go, hands so weak, you struggle to open packets of crisps.
29:11LAUGHTER
29:11Some days I'll just be like, oh, I'll just have some lettuce.
29:16LAUGHTER
29:16I find opening packets harder and harder.
29:20I don't know if I'm getting older, packets are getting stronger.
29:24LAUGHTER
29:25They run out of the, oh, the adhesive they used to use,
29:28make it stronger now, make it...
29:29I don't know, is it just me?
29:31Does nobody else find themselves caring?
29:33Why are you doing this?
29:35LAUGHTER
29:36I figured out things like that.
29:38It looked like you needed somebody to help you,
29:41and you were willing to do anything to get them to do it.
29:44Please, please open the back for it.
29:47LAUGHTER
29:47Why are you so much jealous?
29:47One behind it, weak.
29:49My tongue is strong.
29:51LAUGHTER
29:51Is it what you want to drag it in?
29:53LAUGHTER
29:53Yes.
29:55Oh, please, strong French teenager, please.
30:02LAUGHTER
30:03I think it's on Sunday when we're going to watch this,
30:05we won't now.
30:07That would be really awkward, your first time...
30:09Your first time in the room with Jean-Claude.
30:12We're going to watch this, Jean-Claude.
30:14This is what I do professionally.
30:15LAUGHTER
30:20OK, meanwhile, how did a julty...
30:22Tief.
30:23It's fucking Ireland slipping through.
30:26Eh...
30:26How did a julty in Turkey make us...
30:29LAUGHTER
30:30In other news now,
30:32a big announcement as the Supreme Leader of North Korea...
30:36LAUGHTER
30:36Do you know about his daughter?
30:39I'm being haunted by the Abrean girls.
30:41LAUGHTER
30:43I can just see the faces, you know?
30:46I go to sleep, I can just see the faces of the Abrean girls.
30:49They're coming down on me, like,
30:50why did you do it, why did you do it, like?
30:52LAUGHTER
30:52I am available for acting work in the many Sky series
30:54I'm based in Ireland at the moment.
30:56LAUGHTER
30:56If you think that's bad,
30:58last week my wife and I watched all the episodes
31:00of Game of Thrones back-to-back.
31:03Unfortunately, I wasn't the one facing the screen.
31:06LAUGHTER
31:07LAUGHTER
31:11My kids used to go to a school in Portsmouth,
31:14where most of the dads were in the Navy,
31:16and I had this chat once with this guy,
31:19just like a parent's evening,
31:20and I said, what do you do?
31:21He said, er...
31:23I fly helicopters and I drive warships.
31:26And he said, what do you do?
31:27And I literally went, doesn't matter.
31:31LAUGHTER
31:32Of course, we should just pay for the record,
31:34Manson doesn't remember receiving those payments.
31:38Oh, Ben, he doesn't remember receiving...
31:40He fucking doesn't, so shut up, mate!
31:41LAUGHTER
31:43He's a good man chased at the ends of the earth
31:45by an angry and jealous media.
31:48How dare... Honestly, sometimes, Peter,
31:49I think what you get to this country...
31:51LAUGHTER
31:53I found out I was old last year.
31:56That really annoyed me,
31:57if you want something that really annoys me.
31:58Yeah, go on.
31:59I was in Amsterdam with my friends from university
32:01and there was a drug dealer ahead of us
32:03and he was going, cocaine, cocaine, cocaine,
32:05and he pointed at me and my friends and went, Viagra.
32:09LAUGHTER
32:10I told my brother about this and he's like, did you take it?
32:12I was like, no, we were on our way to Anne Frank's house.
32:15LAUGHTER
32:18Well, no surprise in the...
32:20Oh, fucking hell.
32:23I've had so many kids since I last saw you, Rhys.
32:26I've been breastfeeding so long, when I clear customs,
32:28I have to declare myself as dairy produce.
32:31LAUGHTER
32:33I've had so many kids.
32:35APPLAUSE
32:36Can I just say, having you say that in my eyes
32:40was a lifelong dream.
32:42LAUGHTER
32:43He's completely what? He's completely...
32:47Oh, I'll say a legend. OK, fine.
32:49Obviously, everything we're saying is, are mere allegations.
32:53LAUGHTER
32:58Obviously, what we're saying, it's all alleged.
33:01LAUGHTER
33:03Maybe none of this happened.
33:06LAUGHTER
33:07Is he on ChatBeat G...
33:09Oh, I can't speak.
33:11See, see, this is what our generation...
33:13LAUGHTER
33:14I understand, yeah.
33:15We call it ChatBeat GB.
33:17LAUGHTER
33:17It's like GB, isn't it?
33:18Because it's straight Britain.
33:19Yeah, yes.
33:21ChatBeat GMTV.
33:23LAUGHTER
33:24If you think that's bad, I once went to the shop
33:27to buy a cauliflower, but I accidentally bought a cabbage
33:31and I peeled the whole cabbage looking for a cauliflower.
33:36LAUGHTER
33:41When the whole thing was gone, I still didn't get it.
33:45LAUGHTER
33:45Oh, no, I'll give up one more layer.
33:47I'll give up one more layer.
33:48It might be in here.
33:50And I really wish I was a good enough comedian
33:51to have made that up.
33:54LAUGHTER
33:55The next topic is...
33:58Unlikely road sign.
33:59Very embarrassing.
34:00Fully going to piss myself if I don't go to the loo right now.
34:02Then run to the loo right now, if you really...
34:03LAUGHTER
34:05You've made him vivid.
34:06I'll say that back there.
34:07APPLAUSE
34:09Do you know what?
34:10I'm going to...
34:11I'm going to watch him.
34:13LAUGHTER
34:14Anyone want to ask a question?
34:17Oh, there's somebody down there.
34:18Very, very good.
34:18Hi. What's your name?
34:19My name's Charlie.
34:20I'm going to do it again with the microphone there.
34:21Apologies, Charlie.
34:22What's your name?
34:23My name's Charlie.
34:24How are you, Charlie?
34:25Oh, sorry.
34:26The camera's not on you yet.
34:27So, for the third time, Charlie, I'm going to ask you again
34:29in a second and I apologise for that.
34:31OK, great.
34:32Sorry, who are you?
34:33Charlie.
34:33My name's Charlie.
34:35LAUGHTER
34:36APPLAUSE
34:39Done.
34:40We're just going to hear you one more time.
34:41Oh, hi, how are you?
34:42What's your name?
34:42My name's Charlie.
34:43I say Charlie, we're at a time.
34:46LAUGHTER
34:48Oh, for fuck's sakes.
34:49Can you all see the word allegedly and then they'll put it,
34:51they can edit it in.
34:53LAUGHTER
34:53OK, that's correct.
34:56LAUGHTER
34:56Are you starting with the language?
34:58Allegedly.
35:00Allegedly.
35:04Allegedly.
35:07LAUGHTER
35:07Allegedly.
35:15Allegedly.
35:15Charlie would have wanted.
35:16LAUGHTER
35:18OK.
35:19Now we've got time for one more.
35:20Let's throw it open.
35:21Has anyone else got a question?
35:22Oh, there.
35:23OK, Grant.
35:23Thank you very much.
35:24What's your name?
35:24My name's Charlie.
35:26Charlie, you're really fucked with the show here.
35:29LAUGHTER
35:30It was all going really well and then Charlie came in like
35:33a fucking agent of chaos.
35:35LAUGHTER
35:38Sarah.
35:40Will you.
35:42Marry.
35:43Fleet Services.
35:45LAUGHTER
35:46That one wasn't me.
35:48LAUGHTER
35:49Why Sarah?
35:51Of all names.
35:54He said he wants a boyfriend.
35:56LAUGHTER
35:57Not you.
36:00Sorry to interrupt.
36:02LAUGHTER
36:10OK.
36:11Guess what we have to do again.
36:14LAUGHTER
36:16I'll put it this way.
36:17Guess who's fucked it up for the fourth time.
36:20LAUGHTER
36:23OK.
36:24Now we've got time for one more.
36:25Let's throw it open.
36:26Has anyone else got a question?
36:27Not you, Charlie.
36:29LAUGHTER
36:29Sorry.
36:30Sorry.
36:31Couldn't you lift it.
36:32LAUGHTER
36:35Frog's Crossing.
36:36Or as some people call it, the Channel Tunnel.
36:40LAUGHTER
36:42Do you think that's bad?
36:44Do you think that's bad?
36:44I've been married so long that I actually booked myself a prostate exam for Valentine's Day just to feel something.
36:50LAUGHTER
36:54When did you become this?
36:59The gentle observations about life!
37:02This!
37:02That was a cry for help!
37:05Do you think that's bad?
37:06I did my first shift as a prostate doctor this fax.
37:10LAUGHTER
37:11Join us after the break for more Mock the Week.
37:21APPLAUSE
37:22Now we come to scenes we'd like to see.
37:26So everyone can make their way over to the performance area.
37:29I'll read out this week's topics and then we'll see what our panels can come up with.
37:32OK, here we go.
37:33So the first subject is unlikely slogans for British towns and cities.
37:39Glasgow!
37:40Fucking hello!
37:46Swindon.
37:47City of culture.
37:48Unfortunately, it's mostly thrush.
37:54Clacton.
37:55Don't worry, he's almost never here.
37:57LAUGHTER
38:00Welcome to London and enjoy that phone while it lasts.
38:04LAUGHTER
38:06Bristol.
38:07You don't have to live on a barge to look like you do.
38:11LAUGHTER
38:13Welcome to Luton, or as EasyJet calls it, London.
38:17LAUGHTER
38:20Why are we called Cockermouth?
38:22Oh, you'll find out.
38:23LAUGHTER
38:27Canvey Island.
38:28In the world's best island rankings, we're still behind Epstein's one.
38:33LAUGHTER
38:35Blackpool.
38:35Because your nan had to be a slag somewhere.
38:39LAUGHTER
38:41Ever wonder what Cambridge would be like if it didn't have a university?
38:45Discover Peterborough.
38:50Want to leave London but not give up your drug habits?
38:53Come to Margate.
38:54LAUGHTER
38:56Come to Yorkshire, where we've got the word the down to a T.
39:02LAUGHTER
39:05Bath.
39:06Jane Austen once lived here and we won't let you fucking forget it.
39:11LAUGHTER
39:13Southampton.
39:14The people who left on the Titanic still feel like they made the right choice.
39:18LAUGHTER
39:21APPLAUSE
39:21Hmm.
39:24Visit Portsmouth.
39:25No?
39:26Fair enough.
39:29LAUGHTER
39:31Hereford.
39:33Hereford.
39:33Also for Himmerford.
39:35LAUGHTER
39:37LAUGHTER
39:41A five-barrel scrape!
39:44LAUGHTER
39:46Welcome to Eton.
39:48Britain's cunt factory.
39:52APPLAUSE
39:55Wet Wang.
39:55We're a real place.
39:57Genuinely.
39:57That's our name.
39:58Wet Wang.
39:58The whole reason we called it that is so people would come here and no-one's coming here.
40:01Wet...
40:01What do we need to do?
40:02Wet Wang.
40:04What do you call this?
40:06Muff.
40:07We're a real place.
40:08Like, what do we have to do?
40:09We're actually called Muff.
40:11LAUGHTER
40:12Fingering home.
40:13Fingering home.
40:14It's a place.
40:15We're in Essex.
40:16We're on the front of buses.
40:17Come on, guys!
40:18What's wrong with you?
40:20They're terrible!
40:25Shitstorm.
40:26It's not...
40:26It's not a place.
40:31Welcome to Kent.
40:33Oh, thanks.
40:33Not you.
40:36LAUGHTER
40:40OK, the next topic is...
40:43Shut up lines that won't work.
40:46Having sex with me is like having a Happy Meal.
40:48I come with a little toy.
40:51LAUGHTER
40:54Can you iron?
41:03Sorry, I'm a bit of an anxious nail-biter.
41:05I didn't hurt your toes, did I?
41:07LAUGHTER
41:10If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U next to I.
41:16And then a T in the middle, because I've got cystitis.
41:19LAUGHTER
41:22The room just lit up when you walked in.
41:25I think they have motion-sensitive switches.
41:29LAUGHTER
41:35Girl, are you a watermelon?
41:37Because I want to take you back to my place and then feel too overwhelmed to do anything with you.
41:42LAUGHTER
41:48My ex-girlfriend used to call me the horse on account of my massive ketamine problem.
41:54LAUGHTER
41:56I would take the stars from the skies and put them in your eyes.
42:00That noise, that's Dara Breen crying because the stars are in the wrong place.
42:05LAUGHTER
42:09Wow.
42:10God must have taken the day off after making you, because you seem like a lot of work.
42:15LAUGHTER
42:22Hey, girl, are you from Tennessee?
42:24Because you're the only 10 I see.
42:26No?
42:26Well, then, are you from Pennsylvania?
42:28Because you've made my Pencil-vania.
42:30LAUGHTER
42:37Forgive me, forgive me.
42:39Risa has actually tried that one on me.
42:41LAUGHTER
42:43Yeah, I am a high-flying PR executive.
42:46I'm launching a new client's fragrance.
42:47What do you think of just Andrew?
42:50LAUGHTER
42:53Look, I don't care that you have a son.
42:56I... Yeah, I know, Rhys.
42:58LAUGHTER
43:04I would ask you back to my place, but it seems a bit soon.
43:08I only escaped this morning.
43:10LAUGHTER
43:13Did you fall from heaven and it wasn't your fault?
43:16You might be eligible for compensation.
43:18LAUGHTER
43:21I'm not wearing any deodorant.
43:24LAUGHTER
43:27Hey, girl, is that a Snapchat filter or are you an actual dog?
43:32LAUGHTER
43:34Hey, are you from Tennessee?
43:35Because you're the only ten I see.
43:37No?
43:38Well, then, are you from Virginia?
43:40Because you should have this Virginia.
43:42LAUGHTER
43:46Come on, don't be silly.
43:48You pay.
43:52If I could rearrange the alphabet.
43:55Chee-li-wa-du-wa-li-la-wa.
43:58LAUGHTER
44:03Sorry, I know this is so cheesy, but I haven't showered in a while.
44:07LAUGHTER
44:10All your underwear must be lucky underwear,
44:12cos it gets to touch your...
44:13Ah, she's gone.
44:14She's gone.
44:15LAUGHTER
44:17You know, they call me the stallion.
44:19At weekends, I get whipped by small men
44:21while Clare Balding commentates.
44:27How many comedians can you squeeze into nine seconds?
44:29Glen Moore, Rhys James, Zoe Lyons, Ed Burns, Sarah Pascoe,
44:32Emmanuel Sanubi and me, Dara Breen.
44:34Easy, done.
44:34Mock the Week.
44:35Sunday at nine on TLC.
44:37BUZZER
44:39LAUGHTER
44:48I know I'd watch it.
44:50LAUGHTER
44:55I know that's what they were doing.
44:58You've been craning in osteopathy.
45:00Don't do that, Frank.
45:01You've fuzzed it all up now.
45:03LAUGHTER
45:04The news keeps happening, so we keep mocking it,
45:07because pretending it isn't there hasn't worked.
45:10Don't miss Mock the Week with me, Dara O'Brien.
45:13And we can all just go fuck ourselves, apparently.
45:17LAUGHTER
45:17LAUGHTER
45:18LAUGHTER
45:18APPLAUSE
45:18APPLAUSE
45:19LAUGHTER
45:19APPLAUSE
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