- 1 day ago
Best Medicine - Season 1 - Episode 11: Mind Your Own Buboes
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:01Get out of here.
00:03Previously on Best Medicine.
00:05Are you more his parents?
00:06I'm his best friend.
00:08Why are you here?
00:09I've decided to sell a house.
00:11My house?
00:12My house. It was left of me. I'm the eldest son.
00:16I'm going viral!
00:17Is this what you're going to do with your life?
00:19What?
00:20Be a garbage person?
00:21It really makes you think, doesn't it, Doc?
00:23What am I dedicating my life to?
00:25I've loved Louisa since I was 12 years old.
00:28She's perfect.
00:28Nobody's perfect.
00:30The only mean thing that she's ever done is break up with...
00:33Maybe we could...
00:34Get together.
00:35For a real date.
00:37Martin, inhale.
00:38Exhale.
00:40Hey, Martin, buddy.
00:41Not sure if you're here yet, but if...
00:47Um, I'm gonna call you back, buddy.
00:50We were both riding the adrenaline of the moment,
00:52but I'm happy to pretend it never happened.
00:56Good night.
01:04You don't think he looks depressed?
01:07I think he looks like a dog.
01:09Whatever he's feeling can be solved by sleeping, eating, pooping, or destroying a pair of my shoes.
01:23What's got them so interested?
01:25I have no idea.
01:31It looks like you have the flu.
01:33So, you and Louisa, huh?
01:35I beg your pardon?
01:36I mean, I get why you like her.
01:38She's a ray of sunshine.
01:40But you?
01:41Here you go, babe.
01:41Thanks.
01:42So, you and Doc Martin, huh?
01:43I did not see that coming.
01:45Like at all.
01:46Uh, excuse me?
01:48So, to manage your flu symptoms, you need to hydrate and take pain relievers as needed.
01:52You know who needs pain relievers right now?
01:54Sheriff Mark!
01:55Woohoo!
01:56Come on!
01:57Up high, baby!
01:58Up high!
01:59Yes!
02:00I think it's great.
02:02Love can come at any age, you know?
02:04What?
02:05It's the flu, Mr. Collins.
02:07Any questions?
02:08Who initiated the kiss?
02:10How passionate are we talking?
02:12How did he kiss?
02:14I picture a turtle eating a piece of lotus.
02:19Oh, my God.
02:20Oh, my God.
02:21Oh, my God.
02:23Absolutely not.
02:32What's this?
02:32Ticket.
02:33Your car's parked in the red.
02:35I've parked exactly where I always have since I got here.
02:37I've turned a blind eye before, but those days are over.
02:41Mark, it's for $50. Let me just go out and move it.
02:43Sorry.
02:44Some mistakes can't be just moved back.
02:47What?
02:48What?
02:49Mark, since when do you go out giving tickets like this?
02:52Since when do you care nothing about rules and decency?
02:54Okay, I have no idea what's going on right now.
02:57Yeah, me neither.
02:58Not after what I saw in the parking lot of the hospital.
03:01Wait, what?
03:03You saw that?
03:04Yeah.
03:06It might not be a crime, but it doesn't make it right.
03:14You want me to close the door?
03:16You don't have to.
03:44What are you doing here?
03:46You don't have to flu like everyone else, do you?
03:49Nope.
03:50But, word around town though is that you and a certain adorable-
03:56Not you too.
03:57This is a nightmare.
03:59Is there privacy anywhere?
04:01In Port Wynn?
04:02Not really.
04:03So, what happened?
04:06Nothing.
04:09All right, fine.
04:11After a very long day, tending to Peter Kronk together, the natural bond people feel in a crisis boiled over.
04:20And you and Louisa kissed.
04:23Hm?
04:24Well, good for you.
04:26You've been carrying a torch for her since you laid eyes on her.
04:33What did you do wrong?
04:34Nothing.
04:35Why do you assume that I-
04:35Come on, what?
04:37Nothing.
04:37Tell me.
04:38No.
04:40Martin.
04:41I may have suggested that we pretend it never happened.
04:45Oh my God.
04:46Why?
04:48Spare us both the trouble.
04:49I-
04:51Martin.
04:52Is that how you really feel about love?
04:54Or were you just trying to blow the whole thing up to protect yourself so you wouldn't get hurt?
04:59Well, either way.
05:01Very insensitive.
05:03You're gonna have to apologize for that.
05:05ASAP.
05:08I have to go see George and Greg.
05:11Apologize, Martin.
05:16Miss Michelle.
05:17You can call me Savannah.
05:20You have fever, aches, and fatigue.
05:23Sounds like the flu.
05:24Are you sure we shouldn't be talking about that little patient?
05:27He's running on a very low frequency.
05:29No idea what that means.
05:30Well, your dog is depressed.
05:32Obviously.
05:34Well, for starters, he's not my dog.
05:37I'm with a patient.
05:38Please go now.
05:41Elaine!
05:42Open.
05:44What?
05:45Get him out of here.
05:48Buddy, come on.
05:49Come on.
05:51Okay.
05:51We have a low fever.
05:55Lymph nodes are inflamed.
05:57Okay, just FYI.
05:58Understanding animals is literally my job.
06:01Oh, yeah?
06:01And what job is that?
06:02I own a traveling petting zoo.
06:03And in my expert opinion-
06:05Oh, expert?
06:06Really?
06:06Is there a petting zoo college somewhere?
06:08It's called Nature.
06:10I'm sorry.
06:11Do you seriously not see how sad your dog is?
06:13Thank you, random zookeeper person.
06:15But I-
06:15What's coming out of your bag?
06:18You're all over me.
06:19Oh, my God.
06:20I'm crawling on my leg.
06:22I'm so gross.
06:23What the hell is going on?
06:24It's so wild.
06:27Got it.
06:29Fleas.
06:29Just as I suspected.
06:31Fleas!
06:31What the?
06:32That's it.
06:33I'm out of here.
06:33Sorry, fleas are a public health hazard.
06:36And as much as I hate to say this, which is a lot, until we can prove we're not carrying
06:40them out, no one can leave.
06:41Oh, my God.
06:41I am torching this place on Yelp.
06:46The gossip about Mark and I had finally died down, and now everybody is talking about
06:51me again.
06:52People are awful.
06:53So nosy.
06:54No boundaries at all.
06:55What did happen?
06:56Was it really just a kiss?
06:58Yes.
06:58I bet Dr. Fussy Pants has a real tiger under that suit.
07:08Well, I hope you're me.
07:16This feels excessive.
07:18No.
07:18First we saw the shower with dishwashing soap was excessive.
07:21Again, dishwashing soap kills fleas.
07:24As does putting your clothes in the dryer.
07:26It'll be done soon.
07:27How soon?
07:27Today's the deadline to turn in my audition for Juilliard.
07:30Al is recording it later.
07:31So I really need to move this along.
07:32Audition, huh?
07:33What monologue are you doing?
07:34Uh, I'm a thespian myself.
07:37That's right, yeah.
07:38You were so great as the mad scientist in the blood factory.
07:41Oh, stop, stop.
07:42Um, I'm still working on my monologue, so.
07:45Well, break a leg, as we actors say.
07:48I put the clothes in the dryer 37 minutes ago.
07:50Feel free to check if they're done.
07:52Answer the phones.
07:53Show up on time.
07:55Now I have to vacuum and do laundry.
07:57When did I become act one Cinderella?
07:59If I wrote a letter to Juilliard, do you think you could start tomorrow?
08:01All right.
08:07I can't even have a personal moment with someone without the whole town blabbing about it.
08:11I know.
08:11I'm so sorry about Greg.
08:13He really should have known better.
08:14I'm just gonna stay in here and avoid people like that.
08:16Oh my gosh.
08:17His little planes are like crazy.
08:18Would you like a spoon?
08:19No, thanks.
08:20I just don't know how everybody knows already.
08:23That is my question.
08:24Well, maybe Martin told someone.
08:26Doesn't seem like the bragging type.
08:28It definitely wasn't something to brag about.
08:30Really?
08:30Why?
08:32Never mind.
08:33I don't know why I would be interested.
08:35I just don't know how Elf.
08:37Everyone knows so fast.
08:39No?
08:41I guess I should call him.
08:43Can I have a...
08:45Oh, oh, yeah.
08:46Of course.
08:46Of course.
08:47And you sure you don't want me to get you a spoon?
08:50Okay.
08:52Hello?
08:53Did you tell someone about what happened between us?
08:55Because everybody at the Salty Breeze knows.
08:57Of course not.
08:58I would never.
08:59It was Mark.
09:00Apparently he saw us.
09:02Mark saw us?
09:04Mm-hmm.
09:05Oh, God.
09:06Oh, God.
09:07This is a disaster.
09:09Mark saw us and everybody's talking.
09:13So much for pretending it never happened, huh?
09:15Yes.
09:17So, about that.
09:19Oh, God.
09:21It's freezing in here.
09:23I'm sorry.
09:23Where are you right now?
09:25Hiding in the walk-in.
09:26So, you know, I'm super happy about how this is working out.
09:29Well, uh, a hippie infested my office with fleas.
09:34Okay.
09:36Stay warm in there.
09:37Yeah, um, good luck with the fleas.
09:42Mark.
09:49Everyone, please get on your clothes and then leave as soon as humanly possible.
09:53I'm having a strange feeling I've had this conversation before.
09:57Oh, are you like a psychic?
09:58Deja vu can be a sign.
10:00Oh, my God.
10:01Oh, my God.
10:01Oh, my God.
10:02Oh, my God.
10:02Oh, my God.
10:02It's a seizure.
10:06Stop!
10:08Everybody stay put.
10:16Is he texting?
10:18Is he texting?
10:19I thought he was a doctor.
10:20No one can leave.
10:21Why?
10:22What's the problem this time?
10:23Don't panic.
10:24But this woman has lesions that look like buboes.
10:26It's LaBooBoo, Boomer
10:28What the hell's LaBooBoo?
10:30Doc, she has the plague
10:37As soon as possible, thank you
10:40If I could have everyone's attention
10:41I can't breathe, the plague is closing my throat
10:43It's definitely not
10:45The health authorities are sending a biohazard team for Savannah
10:48But they're coming from Boston, so it's going to be a while
10:51The plague would probably kill all the old people first, right?
10:54Ghoulish question, but brings me to my next point
10:57This type of plague doesn't spread easily from person to person
11:00But from fleas and infected animals
11:02And if antibiotics are taken within the first 24 hours
11:06Outcome's very good
11:07Kind of sounds like if that bio-whatever team
11:09Doesn't get here in 24 hours, we're all screwed
11:11Yeah, screwed isn't dead
11:12Wait, so you're the only doctor?
11:14There isn't anybody better who, like, knows how to deal with diseases?
11:18Well, I went to medical school, so I, like, know about diseases
11:21But, yes, I'm it
11:23But we're fine
11:25No need to panic
11:28Panicking
11:34Doc, what are you doing?
11:36Looking for clues as to where Savannah and her flea-ridden purse have been
11:45Damn it
11:46What?
11:47She was at the salty breeze
11:49Which means people over there have been exposed
11:51And I need to get in touch with them
11:52We don't have to change back into the little gowns, do we?
11:54Because if I'm going to die of the plague
11:56You're not
11:56I'm dying with my pants on
11:58And I've always said that
12:01Hey, guys
12:02What do you want to talk to me about?
12:04Well
12:05Wait a minute
12:06What's going on back here?
12:08Doug claims he found a baby fox and is nursing it back to health
12:11I wish you'd take it somewhere else
12:13It's making Brisket very anxious
12:15I get that
12:16It's kind of a rabbit-eared devil chihuahua
12:20Makes me a little nervous, too
12:24Listen, Sarah
12:25We have a small confession to make
12:28You cheat at poker night
12:29You think I don't know
12:31Oh
12:31But not that
12:32We're the ones showing your house
12:34What?
12:35Your brother saw that Greg is a realtor in the area
12:38And asked us to convince you to accept his offer
12:41Since we're friends
12:42Oh, some friends you are
12:45Did he tell you what the terms of his offer is?
12:48Sell a house out from under me and I get 20%
12:51Thank you so much, your lordship
12:53We thought at least if it was us
12:55We'd look after your best interest
12:56Yes
12:57By kicking me out of my own house
12:59Listen
13:00I hate to bring it up
13:01But your brother says you don't have much
13:03By way of retirement savings
13:05Yeah, well
13:06You know how it is
13:08Lobstering, you have a good year
13:09And then a bad one
13:11So maybe you should let us show the house
13:13There's a couple who wants to see it today
13:15Fine, fine
13:17Fine
13:18So
13:20Any intel on what happened between Louisa and your nephew?
13:24She's hiding in the walk-in right now
13:27Very upset
13:28You are not getting the hot goss
13:30You two are off the hot goss list
13:33Why me?
13:34You can get off this
13:35But I should be able to stay on
13:38Hello
13:39And Sarah, listen
13:40There could be a crisis at the Salty Breeze
13:42Oh, you bet there is
13:44Louisa is hiding in the walk-in refrigerator
13:47When are you going to apologize to her?
13:49Never mind that
13:50A patient here
13:51A woman named Savannah
13:52She was recently at the Salty Breeze
13:54And she's exhibiting plague-like symptoms
13:56The plague?
13:57Like
13:57Bring out your dead
13:59That flag?
14:00I'm all the way down
14:01It's fine
14:02Bubonic, yes
14:02The very one
14:04Wait
14:04What's that behind you?
14:08Oh
14:09Doug's got a baby fox
14:11Don't ask
14:11Hold the phone closer to it?
14:13Sure
14:14Greg, stay here please
14:15Look at those ears
14:21That's a North African fennec fox
14:23Doug, where did you get one of those?
14:25Funny story
14:28Oh
14:31Wow, what's wrong with him?
14:33For starters, his face is in a bowl of oatmeal
14:35Now pull him out and make sure he's breathing
14:38Okay
14:39Whoa
14:41Hold the phone closer
14:42Let me see his neck
14:44Oh, good Lord
14:45What are those?
14:46Do you promise to remain calm?
14:48Wait
14:51This is the plague
14:52I didn't even want to eat here today
14:56Uh, excuse me
14:57Everyone listen up
14:58What do we do?
14:59A biohazard team is coming
15:01Until you have all been tested
15:02And the plague has been ruled out
15:03No one should leave the Salty Breeze
15:04Understood?
15:05But we can still take walk-ins, right?
15:09Ugh
15:15You get a sandwich
15:17You get a sandwich
15:19Mark
15:20What are you doing here?
15:21Bringing people something to eat
15:22Because I knew you wouldn't think about that
15:24Because you don't think about people
15:25Or their feelings
15:28Mark
15:28Mark, we haven't had a chance to fumigate
15:31Since you left
15:31Just some vacuuming
15:32So congratulations
15:34You've now potentially exposed yourself
15:35To plague-carrying fleas
15:36Fuck
15:38It's probably fine
15:39Well now you can't leave
15:40Until you've been cleared
15:40By the health authorities
15:41Good
15:45Mark, would you like to talk?
15:47No
15:51Yes
15:51I would like to talk
15:57Is there anything you'd like to say to me
15:58That actually makes sense?
16:00Nope
16:00I got nothing to say to you, man
16:02Okay, fine
16:03Then you can go back out
16:11Okay, I actually do have a couple questions
16:15Well, this should be fun
16:17How long has it been going on
16:19Between you and Louisa?
16:20Have you been dating all this time
16:22And just laughing at me behind my back?
16:24Are you two gonna get married
16:25And have a little doctor
16:27And school teacher babies?
16:28Are you hoping that I die
16:30So you guys can just dance on my grave?
16:32Mark, Mark
16:32I assure you
16:33Louisa and I were not
16:35And are not together
16:36So if we're done here
16:37I have a plague outbreak to deal with
16:39Yeah, but you didn't say
16:39That you won't be together, okay?
16:41Because I can just see through
16:42That little game of yours
16:43You are not
16:44Gonna seek the future
16:45Past Sheriff Mark Mila
16:50The plague?
16:51I go into the walk-in for an hour
16:53And come out to the literal plague?
16:55Yeah, makes you think
16:56Doesn't it
16:57About our mortality?
16:59Makes me think about getting our affairs in order
17:01Updating our wills
17:03Double-checking the DNR
17:04Boring
17:05Right
17:06Who wants a shot
17:07On the house?
17:08I know, we're talking
17:09Oh, sure
17:10First sign of a crisis
17:11And everyone drinks for free
17:13Well, if we're gonna die
17:14Let's die at a party
17:16This is my kind of plague
17:18Free booze with my special lady
17:21That's what I'm talking about
17:22Let's toast a living life to the fullest
17:25To no regrets?
17:26To do not resuscitate
17:28Oh, stop
17:28The plague?
17:30Are you serious?
17:32It's a possibility
17:32But we caught it early
17:33And we're treating it with antibiotics
17:35So you should be okay
17:35Wow
17:36You know, I had my cards read recently
17:38And the reader said
17:39That something bad
17:39Or not so bad
17:40Could or could not happen
17:42And now look at this
17:43It's crazy, right?
17:44Hey, you better not be interrogating someone
17:45Because I'm the one
17:46Who does the interrogating
17:47Who are you?
17:48We'll ask the questions here
17:50Go ahead
17:51Ask your questions
17:52Doug, over at the Salty Breeze
17:55Has been exhibiting similar symptoms
17:56Have you had any recent interactions with him?
17:58Doug?
17:59Doug
18:01Dougie, Dougie
18:02Doug, Doug, Doug
18:03No
18:04No, that name does not ring a bell
18:05I don't believe you
18:06I don't believe anyone anymore
18:08You know, stop trusting
18:09And you start rusting
18:10Think about it
18:11Have you been abroad lately?
18:13You know what?
18:13Actually, I did go to Morocco recently
18:15For a yoga retreat
18:16Namaste
18:17And that's where you got the fennec fox?
18:19What's a fennec fox?
18:22Anyway, it's probably just like a regular fox
18:24But with bigger ears
18:25You just said you didn't know
18:26What a fennec fox was
18:27So how would you know
18:28That fennec foxes have big ears
18:30If you don't know what a fennec fox is
18:32Don't you lie to me, Savannah
18:33Okay
18:34Thank you for your help, Mark
18:36I'll take it from here
18:37Okay
18:37Hey, I think I rattled her cage pretty good
18:40She's gonna crack soon, all right?
18:41Hey
18:43But I'm still mad at him
18:44Okay, thank you
18:45I'm still mad at him
18:46Okay, I got it
18:46Thanks, Mark
18:47I got it
18:48Wow
18:50There's some roiling tension between you two
18:52What's going on there?
18:53Just admit you smuggled the fennec fox
18:55And sold it to Doug
18:56So I don't have to bring back
18:57The emotionally unstable sheriff
18:58Okay?
19:00Fine
19:00But if you think you can make a living
19:02Charging five-year-olds to ride ponies
19:04Think again
19:05I don't think that
19:06I don't know why anyone would think that
19:07But the fox you trafficked
19:09I call it exotic animal re-homing
19:11Whatever
19:12It likely has plague-carrying fleas
19:14That multiplied and migrated
19:16To the other animals in your zoo
19:17And then spread to you
19:18And now to Doug
19:19Look, I'm not a monster, okay?
19:21I'm just trying to find loving homes
19:23For these animals
19:23They carry stress in their bodies
19:25Just like we do
19:26You really feel like you're holding on
19:28To a lot of stress too, my dude
19:30And the only way to let go of stress
19:32Is to open up
19:33Well, I wouldn't open up too much
19:35Unless you have a lawyer present
19:36Now, if you'll excuse me
19:38I need to let the town know
19:39About the mess you've made
19:41Elaine
19:41We need to make a PSA
19:42A what?
19:43A public cert
19:45A video
19:46Telling the community what's going on
19:47Okay?
19:48We'll post it to your
19:49Social media
19:50Oh, now you like my social media
19:52Elaine
19:53Please
19:58I regret never making time
20:00To visit my sister in Florida
20:02Uh, you called your sister
20:04And I quote
20:05A joyless iguana
20:07With a Chardonnay problem
20:09I also regret trusting George
20:11To keep our conversations private
20:14What about you, Louisa?
20:16Is there anything
20:18Or anyone you'd be sad
20:20To miss out on?
20:24Really? Really?
20:26With everything that's going on
20:28This is what you're focused on?
20:31Our school is closing
20:33Which is a huge blow to Portland
20:36Not to mention my career
20:37I mean, I have no idea
20:38What's happening in my life next
20:39Oh, oh, and we might
20:40All have a disease that killed
20:42Half of medieval Europe
20:44So, you know, sure
20:45We can just discuss
20:46My weird kiss with the town doctor
20:50When you say weird
20:52Yeah, I was thinking it
20:53What clarity does
20:54Ah!
20:57Port Wynn is a fishbowl
20:59And I'm tired of being a goldfish
21:01Are we recording?
21:02Yes
21:03Why are you looking at the...
21:04Okay, ready?
21:05A, go
21:08Hello
21:10Dr. Martin Best
21:11Here in Port Wynn
21:13Where we appear to be having
21:15Having an outbreak of bubonic plague
21:19Now, there's no cause for panic
21:21But if you're experiencing
21:22Flu-like symptoms
21:23Along with painful swelling
21:25In your neck
21:26Armpits or groin area
21:28Or unusual lesions or sores
21:30Please come see me
21:31Or another healthcare provider
21:32Immediately
21:32Just cause I'm stuck
21:33At the doctor's office
21:34Don't get any ideas
21:35About committing any crimes
21:38Please share this post widely
21:40Elaine-iacs
21:41You could save a life
21:42Is she saying
21:43Give me a follow
21:43As if she isn't talking
21:44To like 12 people
21:45Elaine-iacs?
21:46She's worse than the plague
21:47Let those three die
21:48Yeah, question
21:50Shouldn't we consider
21:51Other disease vectors
21:52Like dirty?
21:54I hate the internet
21:55That's true
21:56Elaine!
21:58Hey!
21:58No, don't
21:59Stay there
22:00The plague?
22:01Hey
22:01Are you okay?
22:02Yeah, I don't know
22:03This is weird
22:04But I'm fine
22:05I, um
22:06I brought you lunch
22:07Thank you
22:08Mark brought sandwiches too
22:10I'll take it
22:11His were very dry
22:12Hey, listen
22:13So I speed read
22:14This acting book
22:15And it said
22:16Track the emotional beats
22:17Of a monologue
22:18So I got to your monologue
22:18And I started tracking
22:19The emotional beats of it
22:20Actually, I, uh
22:21I don't think
22:22I'm gonna get to it
22:23What?
22:23You have to
22:24I looked at it
22:25And there's no extension
22:26We have to do it today
22:27Al, look around
22:28I'm in a crisis
22:29I was thinking
22:30We could shoot through the window
22:31Seriously, just let it go
22:32Okay?
22:33No
22:34Look, this is all you talk about
22:36Wanting to go to school
22:36In New York City
22:37Okay?
22:38Let me help
22:39I don't want your help
22:40Okay?
22:40If you like the idea of school
22:42In New York so much
22:42You can go
22:47Fine, bye
22:48Bye
22:49Leave the lunch
22:53Are you guys fighting?
22:57Thank you
22:59Cheers
23:01For a woman in a plague house
23:02You're looking awfully pleased
23:03With yourself
23:04I'm feeling very at peace
23:05With my life
23:07Plus you're stuck here with me
23:08So you can't show my house
23:11No such luck
23:12We have someone showing it for us
23:14Aw
23:15Who?
23:16Old man Collins
23:17Damn it all
23:19Doug
23:21You good?
23:22Whoa
23:23I was really out of it
23:25Doug
23:26I've got something really important
23:27To tell you
23:28And it might be scary
23:30I'm not gonna be a dad
23:31Am I?
23:32What?
23:33Oh, I don't know
23:34You might have the plague
23:35The bubonic plague?
23:36Mm-hmm
23:37How did I get that?
23:38Doc said it must be some animals
23:39Owned by some woman named Savannah
23:41Oh no
23:43Savannah's got the plague
23:44Where is she?
23:45Doc Martin's office
23:46Why?
23:47She needs me
23:48Doug
23:49It's Doug
23:50Excuse me
23:50We're not supposed to leave
23:51Hi, Jeb
23:53Hello
23:54Jeb, it's Sarah
23:56I can't talk now
23:57I'm showing a house for Ken
23:59You mean Greg?
24:00Yeah, Greg
24:01Listen, could you do me a favor?
24:04Where is she?
24:06Where's Savannah?
24:07Whoa, whoa, whoa
24:07Slow your roll, Chief
24:08Doug, what are you doing?
24:09You shouldn't be running around town
24:10With a plague-infested creature
24:12Don't you call my Savannah that
24:14I'm talking about
24:15Wait
24:16You're Savannah?
24:18Have you and Savannah been intimate?
24:20That's a clinical way to put it
24:22That's Doc
24:22Clinical
24:23No heart
24:24Clock it, Marky
24:25Period
24:26Go on
24:27I met her on a website
24:28For enthusiasts of unusual pets
24:30But it only took a few encrypted texts
24:33For me to realize that she's my soulmate
24:35That's what you said about my wife
24:37Oh, hey, Gil
24:38Good to see you, man
24:39So the answer is yes
24:41You two have been intimate
24:42Come with me
24:47Savannah
24:48My love
24:49Let's not go crazy
24:51Are most of your painful lesions
24:52In your groin area?
24:54Oh, yeah, do you want to see
24:54Worth it
24:55No, no, no
24:55Nope
24:56I take your word for it
24:57Now, you might actually have
25:00A sexually transmitted infection
25:02Called LGV
25:03Which has similar symptoms to the plague
25:05Must have been that guy from Bonnaroo
25:07Luckily, it too can be treated
25:08With a course of antibiotics
25:10Sorry, Doug
25:14Go on
25:16Doug, your last girlfriend gave you breasts
25:18This one gave you a disease similar to the plague
25:20As your physician, I feel compelled to say
25:23Make better dating choices
25:25I gotta say, the vibe at the salty breeze was way better
25:28Elaine, we need to make another post
25:29On it
25:32Hello, everyone
25:33This is Port Wynn Public Safety Officer Elaine
25:36That's not your title
25:37With an important update
25:39Hi, everyone
25:40Dr. Best here
25:41So the situation is evolving
25:44And we're still waiting for the biohazard team to arrive to confirm
25:47But at the moment, my assessment is we are not having a plague outbreak in Port Wynn
25:52Thank you
25:52But still don't commit any crimes
25:56Doc, have you ever thought about being a hair model?
25:58Because the camera actually loves your hair
26:00What?
26:01Loves it
26:02Really?
26:03Hey, if it's not the plague, what do you think it is?
26:05I can't say
26:07Confidentiality
26:07There can't be that many diseases that have plague-like symptoms
26:12Yikes
26:12That looks uncomfortable
26:25So, good news
26:26Martin just posted another video saying that it looks like there's no plague outbreak after all
26:30So all we have to do is just hang out here for a little bit longer
26:33Get tested just to be sure
26:35That's great
26:36You seem less than thrilled
26:39I...
26:41I just feel disappointed about where my life is right now, so
26:45Well, this may be controversial given the day that we've had
26:49But when I'm feeling low, do you know what makes me feel better?
26:55Besides umbrellas and drinks
26:56Okay, then I give up
26:58Watching animal videos
27:00Huh?
27:01Not what I was expecting
27:03Hey, hey, hey, otters holding paws while they float on their backs
27:06Pudgy marmots doing goofy marmot things in the Alpine Meadows
27:09My favorite is this wolf den in Acadia
27:12I defy you not to be transported
27:16This is a twist
27:17Should we watch once?
27:18I mean, after that, how could we not?
27:19You know I got it queued up already
27:21I'm serious
27:22Okay, here we go
27:35Okay, that is wolf blitzer, we love him
27:37And this one
27:39Oh
27:41No, is this a bad choice?
27:43No, no, no, it's perfect
27:45Okay, all right, well
27:47Let's watch this the right way
27:48Okay
27:50Okay, so that's it
27:51That's wolf blitzer
27:52Wolf blitzer?
27:53And we don't like that
27:54Okay, but we love wolf blitzer
27:55We love wolf blitzer
28:07Sorry to intrude
28:08But I'm sensing some inner tension
28:09Whoa, you really are psychic
28:11People do say that
28:13But really, we're all just animals
28:14Who think we're better at hiding our own stress
28:16Than we actually are
28:19I've barely worked on my audition
28:21I don't know
28:22I'm, like, too scared, I guess
28:24Fear of failure
28:25I get that
28:26I hated taking tests in school
28:28Why do you think I turned to a life of crime?
28:31Yes, crazy animal lady
28:33So hot
28:35Actually, I'm more afraid of success
28:37I mean, what if I crush this audition
28:39And Juilliard is like, holy crap
28:41We have literally never seen anyone act so good
28:43Then you move to New York City
28:44And you follow your dreams?
28:46Barf, so basic
28:47Do you mind?
28:49Then I would have to leave Al behind
28:51Is Al your boyfriend?
28:54You know, we have this idea
28:56That life has to be either or
28:58But we can only have one good thing
29:00But what if the universe is like
29:02No, you can have all the good things
29:05So I could have Al and Juilliard?
29:07Yeah
29:07Or in my case, beat this crazy STD
29:09In the federal wildlife animal charges
29:11That I'm facing
29:11Yeah, no fingers crossed for the both of us
29:16I saw your video
29:17Hey, uh, no offense, buddy
29:18But you're not looking too good right now
29:20Um, Doc?
29:23Lennon, you shouldn't be here
29:24Oh, I'm growing nipples
29:26On my neck
29:27Okay, maybe you should
29:29Have you had intimate contact with this woman?
29:31Doug?
29:32Or both?
29:33Are you suggesting I had some kind of
29:35Woo-woo three-way with those weirdos?
29:37Hell no
29:38Rules out the STD
29:40I get it
29:41Well, have you visited the petting zoo, maybe?
29:44I mean, uh, I don't think so
29:47This isn't a hard question
29:49I might have taken my son
29:50Isn't Glendon Jr. like 17?
29:52Fine, I went alone
29:53Okay
29:55I like petting the goats
29:56It's soothing
29:58Exposure
29:59Bubos
30:01We might be looking at a plague outbreak after all
30:04Yeah
30:04I concur
30:05Oh, hey, Doc
30:06Bad news
30:07Biohazard team got in a fender bender
30:08Said they're going to be delayed by a couple of hours
30:10What?
30:10Okay, didn't you say the longer it takes those guys to get there
30:12The more dangerous it gets?
30:13Great, now I have to text my mom back and tell her I am going to die
30:16Thanks a lot
30:16Nobody is going to die
30:18Hey, we just need to stay calm
30:20And in control of the situation
30:22Is that clear?
30:23Um, has anyone seen the fox?
30:26What?
30:27My mom was right
30:28I lack the emotional maturity to own a pet
30:30You need to find that fox
30:32You're going to be fine
30:33But if you need to pet a baby goat
30:35Oh, shut up
30:36Doc, we got more incoming
30:38I'm not feeling so hot
30:40I'm like, is this the plague?
30:41My daughter's like, go find out, dummy
30:44I just feel like ass
30:47You know, like a general all-over assiness
30:51Mark, text your mom at the pharmacy
30:52Tell her we need more antibiotics, rapid flu tests
30:55And any IV bags she may have on hand
30:56Have her leave them out front
30:57And then go run down and get them
30:58Got it?
30:59All right, no problem
31:00Elaine, we need to update the public
31:04Excuse me
31:04Dr. Best here
31:05Small update on the previous update
31:08But
31:09Not
31:10You
31:10Yes
31:11To reiterate
31:12Please disregard my previous post
31:14We are having an outbreak of plague
31:16Here in Portman
31:18Also, Al
31:19If you're watching
31:20I am sorry that I was so crabby
31:22That was not about you
31:23I do want to go for it
31:24And I really need your help
31:25Okay, bye
31:26First we're going to die
31:27Then we're not going to die
31:28Now we're back to dying
31:29Make up your mind already
31:31Will you, Doc?
31:32Boom
31:32That guy sucks
31:34We're all symptom-free for now
31:35So I think we should just
31:37What?
31:39Stay calm
31:40I'm calm
31:41I'm calm
31:44What is?
31:45It's Greg's real estate phone
31:47Hi, Greg Garrison Realty
31:49This is Greg speaking
31:50How may I help you find the home of your dreams?
31:54I see
31:54Well, that is
31:58Okay
31:59Well, thank you very much
32:01Who was that?
32:02The buyer is looking at Sarah's house
32:04Jeb Collins told him the house was full of fleas with plague
32:07I wonder why he would do that
32:12Beats me
32:15Oh, fine
32:16I paid him off to badmouth it
32:19Excuse me
32:20If I'm going to die of the plague
32:21I want to do it in my own house
32:22Nobody's pushing me out
32:24Well, except possibly death
32:26But, point taken
32:27You know what I think we could all use right now?
32:31Wolfden video
32:32Oh
32:33Yes
32:33Fire it up
32:34Yes
32:35Okay
32:37Did you get the antibiotics?
32:38Yeah, I got you
32:38Sorry, y'all
32:40Alright
32:44Okay, everybody, listen up
32:45We're having a lot of people come in right now not feeling well
32:48Now, most of you probably just have the flu
32:50But some of you might have the plague
32:52So here's what we're going to do
32:54Who here's having fever, aches, and fatigue?
32:57Okay
32:57Now, you're going to take rapid flu tests out here in the waiting room
33:00Now, who has swollen lymph nodes under your chin, possibly in your armpit or groin?
33:04Okay, if you have any of those, you're going to come into the exam room
33:07We're going to give you antibiotics right away
33:09Now, you are not contagious, and we will take care of you
33:11I'm just here for nighttime gas
33:13Noted
33:14Let's go
33:19Al, what are you doing here?
33:20Do you have plague symptoms?
33:22I don't care about the plague
33:22Famous last words
33:24I came back
33:24Thank you
33:25I'm so sorry
33:26Honestly, I was just afraid of my own awesomeness
33:29I forgive you
33:30But we have to move fast
33:31We only have a couple hours until the deadline
33:32Alright?
33:33Did you memorize your speech?
33:34Yeah, I'm off book
33:35Sick
33:35I have no idea what that means
33:37Okay
33:37Uh, who wants to be in a movie?
33:39Or a very low-budget audition video?
33:43I might be available
33:45You're not thinking of doing this in here, are you?
33:51Why not?
33:53I'll go deal with the plague while you put on your little show
33:59Hi, I'm Elaine Denton
34:01And I will be performing Olga's monologue from Anton Chekhov's Three Sisters
34:06Which is a play that I have read
34:17It almost seems as if a minute more
34:21And we'll know why we live
34:24And why we suffer
34:28If only we knew
34:30If only we knew
34:33What difference does it make?
34:36What difference does it make?
34:40If only we knew
34:44And cut
34:48Elaine
34:49You're so good
34:50Should I take my line again?
34:52No
34:54I think we got it
34:55Aww
34:58Oh my god
34:59How cute
35:03I like kittens
35:07Oh look at that
35:09Aww
35:11The mother-child bond
35:12It's so primal
35:13So deep
35:15I mean why would a lady wolf
35:16Ever not want to have that experience?
35:18Guy wolves come and go
35:19But the bond to your wolf baby
35:21That's
35:22That's forever
35:23I mean not having a wolf cub
35:25I mean she'd probably regret that for the rest of her wolf life
35:32What?
35:34Are you wanting a wolf cub?
35:36What?
35:37No
35:37I
35:38Why would you
35:39I mean
35:41Maybe
35:41Okay
35:42I don't know
35:43I'm gonna say something to you
35:44And if I'm overstepping
35:45Tell me to buzz off
35:46Okay
35:47If you ever decide to have a baby on your own
35:50I will be there for you
35:53Cooking
35:54Babysitting
35:55Whatever you need
35:56We'll all be there for you
35:58Of course
36:00All of us
36:01Oh yes honey
36:03Even when we're nosy
36:05And annoying
36:05We're your friends
36:08You guys
36:16That took you a while
36:18Everyone in this room needs to be tested along with a few people down the street
36:21Understood
36:22We've already got team members over there
36:24We'll get a testing station set up ASAP
36:26Coming back
36:27First I want you to check on my patients with lesions
36:30Some of the ones out here might have the plague
36:32Some of them might just have the flu
36:33But everyone out here needs rapid tests for plague
36:40Okay folks
36:41I'm headed home soon as they clear me
36:43Oh
36:44I gotta go sleep it up
36:45Same
36:46My nerves are shot
36:47You can settle them by helping me prep for tomorrow
36:49Sweetie
36:50After the day I've had
36:51I'm in bath and a nap
36:52Am I crazy to say today was fun?
36:57Yes
36:58Fun
36:58First we're dying
37:00Then we're not dying
37:01Then we're dying
37:01Now we're not dying
37:08Another drink anybody?
37:10Drinks on the house
37:11Let me call animal control real quick
37:13Oh hey
37:14Thanks doc
37:15You know despite being trapped in the paradigm of western medicine
37:18I would have been in real trouble if I hadn't come to you
37:20I think you are in real trouble
37:22Your fox did give six of our townspeople the plague
37:24Yeah
37:25Well
37:26If I may
37:27I think your dog is sad
37:29Because he doesn't know where he stands with you
37:31He's like
37:32Am I his dog?
37:33Or am I not?
37:35He's not
37:37I don't believe you
37:39And neither does your dog
37:41You know
37:43You should admit
37:44That you actually care about whoever it is that you care about
37:47At least to yourself
37:50Uh huh
37:50Well
37:51You should pursue a therapy degree while you're in jail
37:55Maybe I will
37:58Anyway
38:00Thanks doc
38:02Hey do you know any lawyers?
38:07Bye sheriff
38:08Bye savannah
38:20So it's like that huh
38:21You're not even going to apologize
38:23Look Mark I understand you're upset
38:25But I don't know what I actually did
38:26Am I your friend?
38:27Excuse me?
38:28Do you consider me your friend?
38:35Yes
38:38Okay
38:40Well when you're friends with someone
38:41And you start having feelings for their ex
38:44You gotta give them a heads up doc
38:46It was just something that happened
38:48I know
38:49I know
38:49Like a one time heat of the moment type thing
38:52It meant nothing
38:59What?
39:00You kiss Louisa
39:02And you think it meant nothing
39:05You're not just lying to me buddy
39:07You're lying to yourself
39:12I'll see you later okay
39:29Thanks for meeting me
39:30Sure
39:30I mean
39:31What a day
39:34In fact it
39:35Gave me a lot to think about
39:37About what?
39:39Um
39:40Just
39:45Oh
39:50Um
39:51What are the odds
39:53Of an exotic animal
39:54Not even from the continent
39:55Showing up in a small town
39:57And causing an outbreak of plague
39:59Wait
39:59Wait what?
40:00Low
40:01Oh
40:01Very low
40:02Vanishingly low
40:05And there are lots of things
40:07About life
40:08That I might not understand
40:10As well as I thought
40:14I don't know why
40:16I sometimes say
40:17Obnoxious things
40:18Martin
40:19You don't
40:19Please
40:22You know
40:23Another surprising thing
40:24About life
40:25Is that
40:28Sometimes other things
40:29With incredibly low odds
40:31Can also happen
40:35Nice things
40:37Things between two people
40:41Martin
40:42Please
40:42I
40:44I've been thinking too
40:46And
40:49I think this town
40:50Is too small
40:50For us to date
40:53Even
40:53Even
40:54If it were
40:55A
40:56Good idea
40:57Which
40:58I don't think
40:59That it is
41:00Oh
41:00You're a great guy
41:02Of course
41:03You don't need to explain
41:03Anything to me
41:04No I just
41:04And we have this
41:05Crazy push and pull
41:07Which is exciting
41:07And also frustrating
41:08And I just
41:10I just don't think
41:11I have
41:12A bunch of time
41:13For
41:14A lot of drama
41:15Right now
41:15Because
41:17I want to have a baby
41:21Oh god not with you
41:22Oh
41:22Not what I was
41:25Saying
41:25Just
41:27Just
41:27A
41:28A baby
41:39I wish you luck
41:41With that
41:42I do
41:45Oh
41:47Have a good night
41:48Okay
41:48When nobody knows
41:51The kind of fool
41:54I was
41:56Before
41:59Stepping out on my own
42:01Bringing nothing along
42:06Just turn off the lights
42:08Before
42:09I go
42:13When nobody knows
42:29Okay
42:30Copernicus
42:31Let's go for a walk
42:33The way that I always let you down
42:41Cause nobody knows
42:51I know
42:52I've been
42:53A lot to hold
42:55I learned that lesson
42:57Long ago
42:58When one door opens
43:01Another's gotta close
43:05I'll go as far as I can see
43:09To make some better memories
43:12To get to
43:14Where you go
43:15You gotta leave
43:17Where youbbe
43:17Know
43:20That Known
43:22You
43:22You
43:25You
43:26You
43:28You
Comments