- 9 hours ago
Daddy Issues Season 02 Episode 04 We Dont Like Sigmas
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00:03I'm not saying that I definitely don't want to go back to the salon but I have
00:06been dabbling with better paid other employment. Dabbling? I've applied for 30 jobs.
00:12Save some for the rest of us, Jesus. Babe, I haven't got one interview. Why does
00:16nobody want me? But what qualifications do you have, Miss Maudsgrave? Why the ones you
00:21get free from school? Oh. How common? Excuse me. Excuse me. Sorry.
00:30Oh, my God. You look amazing. Should I look amazing? I've been saving Rhyme Time a
00:35rocket until it was really needed. Excuse me. We're on the list. Excuse me. We're on the
00:39list. Hiya. Name? Oh, Cherry Lewis and Gemma Moskrip. And you actually have a baby with
00:46you? Otherwise? That baby belongs to both of us. We are very much in love. Don't make
00:54me report you to the Equality and Human Rights Commission. Me and the EHRC are like that.
01:06Have a lovely Rhyme Time. Thank you. Rocky's been at this library every week for the past eight
01:11years. He's an institution. This has been quite the build-up. That is Rocky.
01:25Oh, well. There's always tomorrow. So, to end the session, we're going to hold our babies
01:42tight. We're going to tell them we love them. I love you. I love you so much. Namaste.
01:50Namaste. Right. Can I have my baby back now? Hmm? Oh, Soz. Me and you. Rocky's captivating,
01:57isn't it? Yeah. He is very nice to look at. But I'm not sure it was entirely necessary for
02:03him to be topless during Twinkle Twinkle Little Star. Skin on skin contact is essential for
02:08babies, Gemma. Yeah, he didn't have a baby with him. He's coming over. Oh, my God! What
02:15do I look like? Give me the baby. Give me the baby. No, you take the baby. No, I'll take
02:18the baby. No, you take... Hi. Hi. I used to bring my twins to all your sessions. But they've
02:25started school now, so I can't bring them anymore. Little bastards. Aww. I love babies,
02:32me. Oh. Yeah. And I love women who carry babies. There's something about the female body after
02:38childbirth that I just find intoxicating. Oh. Oh, my God. I know. I love you. I love you.
02:54I love him. I baked you these. It's from a Paul Hollywood recipe, you know, not one by
03:02a woman. Yeah, I'll try one later. So, Malky, are you busy on Friday? Evening? No. How
03:08do you know? Malcolm, the day you have Friday night plans is the day I can finally hold my
03:13umbrella up, float off into the sky to find some other pathetic loser to teach him the ways
03:17of being a great bloke. Okay, fair enough. Friday morning, early. Oh, I'm not sneaking
03:22you out of a hotel without paying again. Took days last time for my anxious tummy to recover.
03:27The Jag needs a service, and the only place I trust with her is a 50-minute drive into
03:33the Peak District. I thought you might like to tag along. Can I think about it? Nope.
03:38Doesn't need to. We're in. Great. We should have done something like this years ago, Malky.
03:43Me and you, the open road, your pet pillock in the back.
03:50No, please.
03:56Can I have a word?
04:03Yeah?
04:04I just, I can't stop thinking about you. We met three minutes ago.
04:10You're trying to tell me you haven't had half the mums in here?
04:13No, I never mix business with pleasure.
04:16And you are all business.
04:21You see, only the ripest ladies make their way to Rocky's bed.
04:25How ripe am I, exactly?
04:28You know when a banana's gone really, really brown?
04:30Mm-hmm.
04:32That...ripe.
04:38So, can I get your number?
04:41Rocky?
04:42Mm-hmm.
04:44She is your baby.
04:47I don't know why you keep pretending she's not.
04:50Are you gonna throw us out on the street again?
04:54What do you expect us to do, Rocky?
04:56Okay.
04:57You're her dad!
04:58I...
05:00Rocky!
05:01You said you loved me, Rocky!
05:03I don't know, I don't know this woman!
05:07What?
05:09So, I've just checked my schedule, and the Peak District is a go-go.
05:14You know what this means, don't you?
05:16Lads on tour.
05:18Lads on tour.
05:20Malcolm in the back.
05:22Derek in the front.
05:23No, why she'd be in the front?
05:24Shut the fuck up.
05:25Alpha's in the front.
05:27Beta's in the back.
05:28We don't like Sigmas, they go in the boot.
05:32Oh, come on, cheer up, Malcolm.
05:34We're getting to spend time with your awesome dad.
05:36Look at him.
05:37He's so cool.
05:39He's not, though, is he?
05:40He fucking is.
05:41I think I'm in love with him.
05:42I'd probably kiss him if he asked me.
05:44He's a con man.
05:45And a womanizer.
05:47Someone lobbed that apple very far from the tree, didn't they?
05:51All right, so he was a bit of a dick in the past,
05:54but it feels like this road trip is his way of trying to reconnect with you.
05:57You know, like a bit of father-son bonding.
05:59You think so?
06:00Definitely, mate.
06:02So why are you coming?
06:04Because it's a really cool fucking car, Malcolm.
06:06I want to ride in a really cool car.
06:09Jesus!
06:11My God, it was a joke.
06:14You humiliated Rocky.
06:16It's all the libraries never going back after what you just did.
06:18He's a creep who charges 15 quid to sing at babies.
06:21And takes his top off.
06:23Yeah.
06:24You're telling me you really enjoy all that Namaste shit?
06:26I do, actually.
06:27Loads of the mums do.
06:30God, you are so judgmental.
06:32And you are overreacting.
06:35My God, what's going on with you?
06:39Lance was filed for a divorce.
06:42Babe.
06:45Means he's never coming back.
06:47Do you want him back?
06:48Well, I didn't want to be a divorce mum of two at 25.
06:52Widowed.
06:53Fine.
06:55I'm so sorry.
06:57I just wanted to get dressed up and have fun.
07:00And watch a man get his nips out.
07:02But you've ruined that because Rocky's never going back again.
07:07How can I fix this?
07:09Work it out for yourself.
07:16Oh, look at that for you, eh?
07:18Makes you glad to be alive, doesn't it, Dad?
07:21Malcolm, shut up.
07:23Why did you need me so urgently?
07:25Is this about your appeal?
07:27No.
07:29I've decided...
07:32I'm gonna have one of them.
07:35No, right, listen.
07:36They've got a really cushy mother and baby unit here.
07:39I'm talking single occupancy cell.
07:43En suite, no bars.
07:46More the flipping A game.
07:47Hmm.
07:48And how are you gonna get pregnant in prison?
07:50You're assuming that none of the women in here have penises.
07:54OK, JK Rowling.
07:57OK, fair enough.
07:59Wait, no, that's still a terrible idea, no matter whose penis it is.
08:02Gemma.
08:05I'm gonna have a baby with Gary.
08:07Gary.
08:08We've rekindled our relationship.
08:10God, you paid someone to push him off a fire escape.
08:14Yes, I did.
08:16And it is amazing what that kind of experience can do for a person.
08:20Yeah, he is much less pathetic, boring and needy.
08:25Gary is great now.
08:27He is actually quite hot.
08:30Right, well, good for you.
08:32Thanks.
08:33And where do you plan on, you know?
08:35Well, this is where I need you to come up with a plan to get me some day release.
08:39And how am I gonna do that?
08:40I was actually thinking maybe you could have a pretend wedding.
08:47No, I've got it.
08:49Fake funeral.
08:51You're an idiot.
08:53Well, I'm not the reason that Rocky had to quit rhyme time.
08:56How the hell do you know about that? I told you.
08:59I've been hanging out with the mums.
09:02And those bitches talk.
09:09Jackie Moskrip.
09:11Heard you're back in town.
09:14What, the doctor's taking another look under your bonnie?
09:17Just visiting.
09:18With these two morons.
09:20Don't you worry about this, pupil.
09:23Yeah, she'll be purring like a kitten by the time I've had my way with her.
09:28Definitely gonna rob his knob on the car.
09:30Right, lads.
09:31Time for some fun.
09:33It's up to you to get us back to Stockport while the Jag's in the garage.
09:37Well, we can do that. No problem, Dad.
09:39Can't buy a hammer.
09:40Easy, just call an Uber.
09:48What the fuck, Jackie? I'm on sim only.
09:51Phone?
09:52Obviously, don't give him your phone, Malcolm.
09:55You're not gonna smash it, are you, Dad?
09:56Don't you trust me, son?
10:05I knew you'd do that.
10:06Right.
10:08I want you two to get us back home using your smarts.
10:11Your ingenuity.
10:13Your survival skills.
10:15We haven't got any of them.
10:16No phones.
10:17Phones have infantilised us.
10:19Real men don't need phones.
10:21All of my bank cards are on my phone, you fucking maniac.
10:24Yeah, and he pays for everything so I didn't bring any money.
10:27Was this your plan all along, eh?
10:29To keep us stranded on the peaks?
10:31Your grandad once left me at the top of Scaffold Pike,
10:34with nothing but a compass, three shilling, and some woodbines.
10:38And that was the making of me.
10:41Yeah, the making of you into a massive arsehole.
10:44Am I right, King?
10:45No.
10:46No, this is good.
10:48I can prove myself to him.
10:50Come on, we can do this!
11:12Oh, get that, will you, Gemma?
11:15Peter!
11:16I'm on maternity leave!
11:18I'm not asking you to pick it up with your fanny, please!
11:20Oh.
11:22I just wish that my best-ever salon girlie might come back to work.
11:26Maybe a few weeks early.
11:28Don't let her rush you, Gemma, love.
11:30That baby'll be a middle-aged woman throwing bricks through windows
11:33before you know it.
11:35How is your Margaret?
11:36Oh, the ankle tag's made a world of difference.
11:39How's my little cherub doing?
11:41Yeah, she's okay.
11:43She's had a bit of a cold this week, but she's perking up now.
11:45No, I meant Malcolm.
11:47Oh.
11:47He's in the Peak District with Grandad,
11:49which is why I need you to look after Sadie for me.
11:51Oh, no, I hope he's okay.
11:52He needs to be very careful in the Peak District.
11:55Oh, there's no ice? I checked before they went.
11:56Not ice.
11:57I once saw a roadkill monkey whilst driving through the Peak District
12:00and I've found the whole area deeply unsettling ever since.
12:04A roadkill monkey?
12:05Yeah, it's obviously escaped from one of the science labs.
12:08Who knows what experiments have been done to it?
12:11You know, what things it had seen?
12:13What intelligence it possessed?
12:15I mean, it might have been trying to get help.
12:16Oh!
12:18Yeah.
12:19You often think about that little monkey.
12:24Okay, be back in an hour.
12:25Where?
12:26Do not touch my baby's hair.
12:29That's why I'll spell that.
12:37Maybe...
12:37Maybe we should get a map or something, eh?
12:39Show them that we're making an effort.
12:40Oh, you make loads of effort, Malcolm.
12:42You clean his flat once a week.
12:44You cook.
12:45You do his laundry.
12:46And you mainly do this while he is out shagging.
12:49All right.
12:50Are you all right, Dad?
12:52Maybe we should just use your mobile, eh?
12:54And vote for a taxi.
12:55Are you giving up already, son?
12:57I left my phone at home and I haven't got any cash on me.
13:01We have been walking for an hour.
13:03We're totally fucking lost.
13:04And Malcolm is missing a boot.
13:06Yeah, well, I had to throw something to distract that ball, didn't I?
13:12Maps?
13:13They've got maps.
13:14Wait, it's shut.
13:15Why is it shut?
13:16Why is it fucking shut?
13:16It's not even lunchtime.
13:17It's not even lunchtime!
13:19Open up, you lazy, work-shy country bumpkin!
13:21Hey, hey!
13:22This one's open.
13:23Oh.
13:28Morning.
13:31Hello.
13:33Uh...
13:34We're looking for a map.
13:35Oh, yes.
13:36We've got lots of maps.
13:37What area do you want?
13:38Uh...
13:39This area that we're currently and presently located in.
13:42Oh, aye.
13:43Bit lost, are you?
13:44Why the fuck would we need a map if we weren't lost?
13:46Well, most people buy a map before they get lost.
13:53There you go.
13:56Do you know how to read a map?
13:57I'm 35, Malcolm.
13:58I've literally never used a map in my entire life.
14:00You're 35?
14:01Do you know how to read a map?
14:04Davina read all the maps in her house.
14:06We don't know how to read a map.
14:08The art of map reading is a long-forgotten skill.
14:11Hmm, you don't fucking say.
14:12Can Jackie read maps?
14:13Yes, he can.
14:14He can do anything, can't he?
14:15Cash or card?
14:16Ooh, good.
14:18Questioni.
14:19Cash or...
14:20Run, Malcolm!
14:21Run!
14:22I'm sorry!
14:26Run, Dad!
14:27Run!
14:28Run!
14:31Run!
14:41Yes?
14:43Hiya.
14:44Is Rocky in?
14:45Ricky.
14:47No, he's not.
14:48He's at the doctors having his anal fistulas looked at.
14:50You and his girlfriend?
14:52No.
14:53In that case, do come in.
14:55I'm Sue.
14:57He's more male.
14:58Hi, Sue.
14:59Yeah.
15:00So many girls come calling for my Ricky.
15:03The fistulas are my way of testing him.
15:06Oh, so he doesn't have them?
15:07Yeah, he does, yeah.
15:09He's got loads of them, loads of them.
15:11He's 70% fistula.
15:13Ouch.
15:13And he's not very fond of babies if you were, er, thinking of having one with him.
15:18Well, his whole brand is guy who loves kids.
15:21He doesn't.
15:22Hates them.
15:23Right.
15:24And he's gay, actually.
15:26Hmm.
15:26Won't go near a vulva.
15:28As much as I've tried to convince him.
15:30Mommy!
15:31I've hurt my finger on my door again.
15:33Oh, darling.
15:34It's just, er...
15:36Hmm.
15:37What do you want?
15:39How did you find me a dress?
15:40I paid someone at the library.
15:42They don't give a shit about GDPR.
15:44And I brought you this.
15:46There's protein bars in there.
15:48I mean, I don't know what you like, but assumed.
15:50Oh, well, erm...
15:52I'll leave you to it.
15:53Yeah.
15:54She seems lovely.
16:01Well?
16:02I came to apologise.
16:04Yeah.
16:05You were way out of line.
16:06You were being sleazy.
16:08I wasn't being sleazy.
16:09I was being poetic.
16:12Ro-romantic?
16:14Neither of those, I'm afraid.
16:17But I could have just said no.
16:20Please come back to the library.
16:22They all love you there.
16:26Did they say that?
16:29That they love me?
16:31Yeah.
16:32Who said that?
16:35Everyone.
16:38OK.
16:40I suppose you think I'm pathetic living with my mother.
16:44No.
16:45I live with my dad.
16:47You know I'm forever, though.
16:49No, I'm not forever.
16:51I bet he doesn't lie about you having anal fistulas
16:53so that you never find a partner and leave him.
16:56Does he do that?
16:58No.
17:00He does not do that.
17:03No.
17:21Can I have three singles to the nearest town, please?
17:24You need to download the app.
17:25Oh, my fucking God, no.
17:28It's a cashless system.
17:30What would Bear Grylls do if he had to get the bus?
17:33Bear Grylls doesn't get the fucking bus, Jackie.
17:35He'd pay with snails.
17:36Oh, my God.
17:37Wouldn't he gonna pay with snails?
17:39How about you just take this and then whatever's left you can have it for yourself?
17:44Did you steal it?
17:46Yeah.
17:47No.
17:49Okay.
17:50Okay.
17:50Okay.
17:52Okay.
17:52Thanks.
17:53Here you go, eh?
17:55Here.
17:56Here.
17:57How long does it take?
17:58Oh, this is a shopping service.
18:00They're in about two hours.
18:01Oh, no!
18:02Fucking no!
18:06I'm really hungry.
18:09Actually, son, I've got some berries in my pocket.
18:12Don't eat the berries, Malcolm.
18:13Oh, if Malcolm ate the berries then the driver would have to call an ambulance and that would take us
18:19back to Stockport.
18:20You'd get us home and that would make me proud.
18:46Spit them out.
18:47Come on.
18:56I am really sorry for not asking about Lance.
19:01I know you are.
19:03It's just been a tough few months.
19:06Moving here, selling the house.
19:09Rocky holds space for me.
19:11Well, he's agreed to go back to the library.
19:14And I've got something which I think might help make up for me being such a terrible friend.
19:18A box of donuts and some molly?
19:20Nope.
19:22A Rhyme Time black card.
19:26Yep.
19:27You can use it whenever you want.
19:29No entrance fees.
19:30No baby required.
19:32Oh, my God.
19:33I didn't think these actually assisted.
19:36Use it wisely.
19:37I'm gonna use it all the fucking time.
19:41It's not my fault, is it?
19:42I just couldn't hold her in.
19:43And she wouldn't stop the bus.
19:45Okay, shut up.
19:47According to the driver, the nearest town is over there.
19:56Are you all right, Dad?
19:57I'm fine.
19:58Stop fussing.
19:59Yeah, you sure?
20:00You look a bit pale.
20:00Unless it's your tan finally rubbing off.
20:03I said stop fussing.
20:05Always fussing.
20:07Cooking.
20:09Doing me laundry.
20:10Cleaning.
20:11When did you ever see me clean anything?
20:15It's like having another bloody wife.
20:18Pathetic.
20:18I just do those things well for you, don't I?
20:21You'd help me, Malcolm, by being more of a man.
20:25That's all I wanted for him today.
20:29I'm going for a piss.
20:31In a bush.
20:37Come here.
20:39Malcolm, at what point are you gonna tell him to go fuck himself?
20:43Never.
20:43As your bestest friend, I don't like seeing other people belittle you.
20:48Especially not your father.
20:49Oh, thanks, mate.
20:50No.
20:51Just takes the shine off me doing it.
20:53You're such a massive arsehole.
20:55Hey, what are you doing?
20:56You can't steal them.
20:58I'm not stealing these kayaks, Malcolm.
21:01They belong to me.
21:03I don't think they do.
21:04They're mine.
21:09They were mine all along.
21:12Grab an oar, King.
21:15Going on a friendship adventure.
21:17Dad!
21:20We'd be going faster if you could paddle, Dad.
21:23I'm not paddling.
21:25Yeah?
21:26Just how did you think we were gonna get home, Jackie?
21:28Steal a car.
21:30Seduce a woman.
21:32Get dropped off by a taxi near the flat.
21:35And run off without paying.
21:37That's not a bad idea, actually.
21:39Leave it to Malky and the day's a disaster.
21:43Is that a phone?
21:45You had a phone the entire time?
21:48Fucking hypocrite.
21:49You're pathetic, Malcolm.
21:51No wonder Gemma wants out.
21:53What?
21:54Yeah, of course she does.
21:56She might not say it, but she does.
21:59She only lets you live with her because she feels sorry for you.
22:03Nobody wants their kid's pity.
22:05Jesus, Jackie, that's a bit harsh.
22:07I'm not interested in anything you've got to say either.
22:11She deserves a lot better than being stuck with her useless dad.
22:16You're in her way.
22:21Fuck you, Jackie Moskrip.
22:23You've been an awful father to me all my life.
22:26Well, the little time you've spent in it anyway.
22:29And you know what?
22:30I pity you.
22:33Yeah?
22:34I pity you.
22:36Living on your own.
22:37Conning everyone you come into contact with.
22:39Your friends, your family, your girlfriends.
22:42Yeah?
22:43Well, my kids want to be near me because they like me.
22:46Yeah, at least one of them does.
22:48You know, and I love you, Dad.
22:49But I don't like you.
22:51So if you want to be with us,
22:53with me and Gemma and Sadie, then things have got to change.
22:57You understand?
23:01Hey?
23:03Malcolm.
23:05Dad.
23:08Malcolm.
23:12Beth!
23:18Oh, fuck.
23:20I love Rita, but I can't sweep up hair until the day she dies
23:23when I'll finally get a go on the scissors.
23:25Well, my career plan is to take Lance to the fucking cleaners.
23:29Cheating arsehole.
23:30Good plan.
23:35Grandad?
23:38Derek?
23:54I killed him.
23:55No, you didn't, Malcolm.
23:57The paramedic said it was a heart attack.
23:59Could I show you that?
24:01No.
24:04You know what?
24:05Silver lining.
24:06He was probably already dead
24:07before you dropped your long-withheld truth bomb.
24:12Well, that's even worse.
24:13No, that's terrible.
24:14Why would you say that?
24:14Just pretend I didn't say that.
24:16Oh, Gemma.
24:17Oh, my God.
24:23What? I'm sad as well.
24:25I had to prise his fucking eyes open
24:27so I locked the phone.
24:28Jesus Christ.
24:31Mm-hmm.
24:33Mm-hmm.
24:34Mm-hmm.
24:35Mm-hmm.
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