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00:29Transcribed by ESO. Translated by —
00:42I suppose the term safe house is no longer apt.
00:48Nothing you touch is ever safe, is it?
00:52I told you not to come after me.
00:54James, she knows everything.
01:00If you have terrible taste in hostages, Wentworth was the mole.
01:05Could have just as easily aimed a few centimeters higher.
01:10Then it wouldn't have mattered to you at all, would it?
01:14Just as long as you're pleasing your masters.
01:18Tell me, when it's just you all alone, how do you live with yourself?
01:26Do you even know who you are?
01:39I'm sorry.
01:43Sorry, Helen.
01:45It's all good.
01:46It's all good.
01:47It's just right around a bit of a schedule.
01:50Yeah, that's why I was thinking.
01:51Quick reset back to once or not this time.
01:52How are you blowing this audition?
01:54I know the speech.
01:56I know it.
01:57Yeah, you fucked it up every time at the exact same moment.
02:02What is this, a prank show?
02:03You're wearing a hidden camera.
02:05It's funny.
02:05No, I just have a very particular process.
02:07I've got my head around it now.
02:09I'm ready.
02:09Sorry, guys.
02:10We just had to...
02:10Yeah, well, just a minute.
02:11Sorry.
02:12How was your weekend?
02:13It was good, thanks.
02:13How was yours?
02:14Great.
02:14What did you do?
02:15Just...
02:16Yeah, thanks.
02:16Thanks, Jim.
02:17This is my second...
02:19Stop it.
02:20Sorry.
02:21You know what?
02:22They didn't want to see you.
02:24I had to convince them.
02:25So this is on me.
02:26I've got a confession to make.
02:29I'm lightheaded from fasting.
02:31It's the holy, muslin month.
02:34It's called Ramadan.
02:37This involves no eating and drinking in the day.
02:40I'm lightheaded from...
02:41If I can have a bit of a cultural understanding.
02:43Well, I've just seen you drink apple juice six takes in a row.
02:47I tried.
02:48Just a shame you didn't.
02:52Thanks so much for coming in, Sharon.
02:54We'll be in touch.
03:04You want to know what it's like doing the dirty work?
03:07Fighting everybody and being nobody?
03:11Woody, I don't live with myself, I live with whoever you need me to be.
03:18The blood on my hands is mine because I kill a part of myself every day if I don't know
03:25who I am.
03:26Because you don't want to.
03:31You knew it.
03:33You knew it!
03:35What's wrong with you?
03:38Do you know who you are?
03:39I'll tell you who you are.
03:41You're a fucking failure.
03:43You just shot on your last chance of being somebody.
03:47You should be ashamed of yourself.
03:49You are ashamed of yourself.
03:50Because you're ashamed of your family.
03:52You're fucking nobody.
03:53You're nothing.
03:53You're just a fucking dumb fucking baggy.
04:13You're not ashamed of yourself.
04:14You are ashamed of yourself.
04:25Huh?
04:57And just so you know, there's a photographer kept out front, so I'm going to take you on the side.
05:02Oh, yeah, yeah.
05:03The press gets a pic of anyone who's auditioned, and the whole Bond rumour mill goes crazy.
05:10Sorry, you know what? I just realised I left my charger in the dressing room.
05:14Oh, I'm happy to come with.
05:15I'll go and grab it. Another way.
05:16Are you sure?
05:16Thank you, though. Thanks a lot.
05:17Okay.
05:31All right.
06:16Hey, dude. I know you. Mate, I'm a huge fan.
06:21Sis, you're talented.
06:22No, no, I'm not.
06:23Yes, you are. You're an exceptional actor, and I want you to know that.
06:26Thank you, mate.
06:27Listen, can I get a little video for my girlfriend, Heather? She's, like, obsessed with you, dude.
06:30Really?
06:30Yeah, yeah.
06:31Babe, check it out. Walking down the street, guess who I've ever been to?
06:35Dev fucking Patel.
06:37What?
06:37Dev Patel, just walking down the street.
06:40Say something about Slumdog. She loves Slumdog.
06:46It was an amazing honour to be part of Slumdog Millionaire.
06:50It was a great film that people loved, that I loved. I loved that film.
06:53It was, I mean, my family, my community, I mean, internationally.
06:56He's not Dev Patel.
06:59What?
07:00He's not Dev Patel. Look how short he is.
07:04Dev is tall, strong, handsome, our Gujarati hero.
07:09Hello, Shah Jahan Latif. Are you the Shah Jahan place?
07:13Who's Shah? Shah's a...
07:14Shah Latif, Shah. That's me.
07:20Can we go, please?
07:21No problem, Shah.
07:26As-salamu alaykum, Mr. Latif, Shah.
07:28I hope you are enjoying your mobile experience and that the temperature is of enjoyment for you.
07:34I asked for an asylum ride on the app, so...
07:37Sir, just one thing. Where are you from?
07:39Because you are looking like the packy, but you are talking like the honky-tonky, right?
07:42And you look like the jahadi, but he's a sphincter.
07:46Sphincter?
07:46Wait, that's a boss.
07:47You like sphincter, you just came to me like that.
07:49Sphincter?
07:49Thanks for picking me up, bro.
07:51Come on, man.
07:51I appreciate it.
07:52I wish my apology, please.
07:53You're awesome, my shoulder.
07:54You fucking love it.
07:55Hey, listen, did you bring the watch, yeah?
07:57Yeah, I couldn't find it.
07:58You couldn't find it or you didn't look?
07:59I didn't look. I'll be busy, okay?
08:01What do you want me to say?
08:01Bro, you're a dickhead.
08:04What the fuck is this doing here?
08:06I was going to tell you, innit?
08:07Basically, I need that for my cars, bro.
08:09There's no brown dolls for saying that. It's weird.
08:11It's not a doll, bro.
08:12It's a limited edition collectible action figure of me from my film.
08:15You've got to ask me before you use my likeness.
08:18You need to chew your tits.
08:19First of all, this don't even look like you.
08:20And second of all, you've got a hundred of these many dildos lying around in the garage.
08:23It's not a dildo.
08:24It looks like a dildo to me.
08:25And I need it for my fleet, anyway.
08:26Fleet?
08:27All right.
08:28Well, you and six guys, yeah?
08:30It's 26, actually.
08:31Fuck off.
08:32Yes.
08:32Things have been going very well.
08:34Got some serious investors interested.
08:37What?
08:39Say, mashallah.
08:40Mashallah.
08:40Bro, if you're going to say it properly, mashallah, there you go.
08:43Right.
08:43Does your investors know that nobody needs a Muslim Uber, bro?
08:47Uber in London's already Muslim.
08:48Right?
08:48Every next driver's named Abdi.
08:50Listen to me.
08:51We drive that thing, but we need to own our thing.
08:53And I want us to own this thing.
08:54Okay.
08:55And if you're strapped for Percel right now, I'll take you on as a driver.
08:59I don't mind.
08:59Don't need any money from you, bro.
09:00Yeah, I got stuff cooking.
09:01There's no why I heard.
09:02I got stuff cooking.
09:03Where you got cooking?
09:04I can't tell you.
09:05Huh?
09:05It's top secret.
09:06I signed an NDA.
09:07You ain't signed no NDA.
09:08I did non-disclosure agreement.
09:10I signed it.
09:10I understand what that means, but you ain't signed.
09:12You ain't got shit, bro.
09:12Oh, you missed the turning for mine.
09:13Yeah, we didn't, actually, because we're going to mummy above us.
09:16What?
09:16Yes.
09:17No.
09:17What do you mean, no?
09:18Well, I mean, no.
09:19Yes, we are, bro.
09:20Okay?
09:21You have not checked in on your mum in time.
09:22She's going to be gassed to see you.
09:24Well, I'm not in a mood.
09:25Yeah, because you're turning around.
09:26Well, I don't care if you're in a mood or not.
09:27If you're getting free rides, you're going to make the stops.
09:31NDA.
09:47Come.
09:48Yeah, I'll come in a minute.
09:51Sometimes being here is enough, you know.
09:53Okay, just one minute.
09:55I'm coming.
10:01Okay, I'll come back to Paki with me tomorrow.
10:03Okay?
10:04I'm going to get a personal shopper with Harrods.
10:07Okay, is that my silver rally set today?
10:10No, no.
10:10Silver rally set?
10:11No, no, thank you.
10:12It'll be good, right?
10:13Yes, yes.
10:14It's a good thing.
10:15Salam Nukum, auntie.
10:17Shattu, son.
10:18Look at you.
10:19All grown up, huh?
10:20Such a strong boy.
10:22MashaAllah.
10:23Bye, Sophie.
10:25Bye, auntie.
10:26See who is here.
10:28See who is here.
10:28Who knows them?
10:29Any better.
10:31Come here.
10:32No, no.
10:32I'll die.
10:33I'll die.
10:33I'll come back to my cover.
10:34I've been two weeks.
10:35Two months, bro.
10:36Yes.
10:37A couple of weeks.
10:38I can't.
10:39I'm dying for this job, like audition thing.
10:41You're dying for not keeping your rose here.
10:43Oh, you're dying for not keeping your rose here.
10:44Oh, you're dying for not keeping your rose here.
10:55My mom bought this botox.
10:57I bought this botox.
10:58I thought it was Michael Jackson when I came in the house.
11:02No, maybe so.
11:04Don't worry about it.
11:05Come on, teacher.
11:07I haven't seen something in Google Alerts.
11:08I've seen something in some time.
11:11Yeah, there's stuff going on.
11:12I just don't know.
11:13I'm talking about it.
11:15Don't talk about it, okay?
11:16Just tell me.
11:20Well, I'm...
11:23Just to do it.
11:24Just pray.
11:25Dua for you, Subhash Amir.
11:27Dua for you all the time.
11:28Dua.
11:29Okay.
11:30Just to do it.
11:31Baba, have you seen a brown leather case about this big?
11:33It's got my name written on it in gold.
11:34Where are you from, brother?
11:36I don't see TV.
11:37I don't see.
11:37Yeah, I've got some stuff cooking.
11:39It takes time to make a film.
11:40But you don't have time.
11:42There's a lot of people who take the poppies.
11:44That was one scene in one film.
11:46You've been pervert on his newsreader all day.
11:48I don't see.
11:50Baba, why are you showing up to these doctor's appointments, huh?
11:53They're expensive.
11:54I've booked them for you so we can find out what's wrong.
11:57They're going to take some money, right?
11:59Oi, cousin.
12:00Oh, shit.
12:01What are you saying?
12:02No, man.
12:03Oh, bless.
12:04What's this?
12:05What's what?
12:05You're beginning to take out your tags.
12:07Oh.
12:07Bro!
12:08Is that you, yeah?
12:10Baba, see how your boy's spending?
12:12Give me that.
12:13Why are you at home?
12:15Quit my job, man.
12:15Manager was a dickhead.
12:17Hey.
12:19He was a weirdo.
12:20If you need work experience, I could sort you from Felicia.
12:22No, no, no, listen.
12:23If you really want to help me, take me to Tazer's show tonight.
12:25Is he playing tonight?
12:28Yeah, why?
12:29I told you to come work for me.
12:30Brother, I already sent you my counteroffer.
12:3250% of my business?
12:33Yes, but do you believe in gender equality or no?
12:36No, not really.
12:38Oh, my God.
12:42Sharpay, are you going to be the next James Bond?
12:44What?
12:46Eh?
12:47Wait, wait, wait.
12:48It might be cut.
12:48It might be cut.
12:49Can I have a look at that?
12:49Bond, my love on you?
12:50Oh, shit.
12:51No, no, no, no, no.
12:51It's legit.
12:52It's legit.
12:52What the fuck?
12:53Oh, my God.
12:54This is crazy.
12:55This is crazy, bro.
12:57Wait, wait, wait.
12:57Chill, man.
12:58Check the website.
12:59It's BBC.
12:59We can't trust you.
13:00Greg Daniel, what's up?
13:01Bro, why didn't you tell me?
13:02He's making fun.
13:04It's just an audition.
13:05This is what he's talking this whole time, man.
13:06Super James Bond, my son.
13:07Listen, it's an audition.
13:08It's a photo from today's audition.
13:09That's all.
13:10What's going on, my son?
13:11What?
13:11James Bond is white.
13:13Stop.
13:14Stop.
13:15I'm the haram.
13:16He's playing just...
13:17Do you know how much sex James Bond does?
13:19He's doing sex.
13:21What's going on?
13:22What's going on?
13:23I'm the haram.
13:24I'm the haram, and he's the James Bond.
13:25I'm actually the haram.
13:26You're not going to work out.
13:27Listen, it's OK to be a little bit excited.
13:29It's nice even just to have the opportunity.
13:31It's a big deal.
13:32You're a brown James Bond.
13:33James Bond, you're going to be mad.
13:35This guy's face is going to be fucking blasted everywhere.
13:37Imagine, imagine it.
13:38Daniel Kui got me 20 M's for the last movie.
13:41My Shahjoo will get 21.
13:43Just calm down.
13:44It's just an audition, yeah?
13:45Call me if you need a body double for sex scenes.
13:47What?
13:49Could you tell her to call me soon?
13:50She comes back in.
13:52Yes.
13:52What?
13:54I don't know if this is a good thing or a bad thing.
13:58I'm just going to sort this out and work it out.
14:01Look at me.
14:02I'm proud of you.
14:04Yeah?
14:06Fucking James Bond, my guy.
14:07Let's see what happens.
14:08Of course, inshallah.
14:09But do they know about the height?
14:11You mean?
14:13They're going to give you special shoes.
14:14Like James Bond's a big, ain't it?
14:19I'm just saying it for you.
14:21For you.
14:25Hey, Felicia, can you call me back, please?
14:27I'm just wondering if the audition news league thing has helped me
14:30or, you know, fuck me.
14:33I'm glad you told me about the audition links.
14:55I'm just wondering if I can.
14:56I'm just wondering if, like, am I going to give you a question.
15:00I don't know if I can.
15:04Yeah. Yeah. Where have you been?
15:07Painting my nails on a fucking sunbed. What the fuck you think?
15:10Listen, did you call the pap?
15:12I'm not that clever. What were they saying? Are they pissed?
15:16Well, they are very surprised.
15:19Fuck.
15:19About how much you're trending.
15:21Right.
15:22And because of the reaction, they might give you a second chance to audition.
15:26Fuck! Yes!
15:28You plus a female director is doing very well for the 18 to 34s and you know that demographic gets
15:32them wet.
15:33Oh my God.
15:34So listen, sit tight and let this play out.
15:37Oh my God.
15:39Thank you. That is amazing. That's really, really cool.
15:43God bless the internet.
15:44Yeah. So, just one thing. We can't just see how this plays out.
15:48We've got to do everything we can to get me back in there.
15:51Shah, I just told you it's good you're trending.
15:54Look, I'm just thinking, maybe I should delete all that old music.
15:58Just the really political bits. What do you think?
16:00As your agent.
16:02Let me deal with that stuff. You just need to act.
16:05Listen, there's videos of me online fucking pissing on a British flag.
16:09It's already out there. All you can do is own it.
16:12That makes you the edgy POC candidate.
16:14Yes, fresh blood. So, new fans for the great old institution.
16:17Listen, don't find a thing that got you here, you know.
16:19Huh. Okay, okay. So, what were you saying? Maybe I should lean into it?
16:24Of course. Because Taze and them lot are doing a show tonight.
16:27I could maybe do a little thing there.
16:29There's nothing to lean into. You just are. Listen.
16:31Just don't do anything and stay home.
16:34Yeah, yeah, yeah. Done.
16:35Don't do anything else.
16:36Don't do anything else.
16:52Ah!
16:53Don't do anything else.
16:59Ah!
17:13Oh shit.
17:15Hey.
17:17What are you doing here?
17:18Me? What are you doing here?
17:20Me all everywhere today.
17:24Pretty cool, isn't it?
17:43Look who's back on the street.
17:47What's up, brother?
17:48This shit blew up, huh?
17:49Yeah, it's working.
17:51You killed it, man.
17:52What are you saying? Amit?
17:53Yes, dude.
17:53What are you saying, man?
17:55Are you meant to be protecting Gotham City right now?
17:57What?
17:57No, it's not Gotham.
17:58Bro, don't you know?
17:59Turn to the new Batman.
18:00It's not there, man.
18:01It's James Bond.
18:03Easy with the Hollywood big man shit.
18:05This is just an audition.
18:06You know what?
18:07We need to take a big job.
18:08Whatever.
18:11Same, man.
18:11It's good to see you.
18:12I'm just thinking.
18:14What?
18:14Forget it.
18:14Forget it.
18:15It's cool, man.
18:15No, no, say it.
18:16No, no, I'm just...
18:17Go on.
18:18I just had a mad thought.
18:19Wouldn't it be sick if I warmed up for you tonight?
18:24Because I think the crowd would love it.
18:25It'd be like a reunion.
18:26It'd be like old times, bro.
18:27Man, like, how dare you, bro?
18:29You know?
18:30Nothing.
18:30You just come back.
18:31You act like you fucking own this place.
18:33Walking through here all like, look at me, look at me.
18:36Bro, I didn't mean it like that.
18:38I didn't mean it.
18:40You all right?
18:41I didn't mean it, I'm not.
18:42You're a dickhead.
18:43You're a dickhead.
18:44I can't knock the hustle, man.
18:46Yo, maybe, yeah.
18:48I was thinking maybe I could come through the crowd, like, you know, like the old days.
18:51Bro, I'll meet you on stage with a mic.
18:52Shaman, uh, there's like a lot of hate coming at you on the internet right now.
18:56Just don't pay attention to it, all right?
18:59It's all bullshit.
19:01London, are you ready for a taste?
19:03Yeah!
19:05Yeah!
19:10Yeah!
19:11Yeah!
19:12Yeah!
19:14Yeah!
19:15Yeah!
19:16Yeah!
19:16Yeah!
19:17Yeah!
19:19Yeah!
19:20Yeah!
19:34Yeah!
19:35Yeah!
19:35Yeah!
19:35This is London, special guest MC in the buildings.
19:38MC!
19:39Great shot!
20:06Give us a message.
20:08Give us a message.
20:09Give us a message, my Lord.
20:09That we are going to go on the right path.
20:11We have fallen.
20:14We forgive everyone, my Lord.
20:19Yes, this is the message.
20:21Allah, Allah, Allah, Allah.
20:44Our tsunami.
20:47Fuck.
20:49Fuck.
20:50Yeah.
20:51007.
21:06Shah Latif.
21:07Welcome to Sir Chattrick Stewart.
21:10With me, Sir Patrick Stewart.
21:12It's an honor to be here.
21:13The honor is all mine.
21:15I've hosted many fine actors on my little podcast.
21:18Plus, few who have had such an eventful 24 hours.
21:22It's been a wild ride already, that's for sure.
21:24Now, I know a bond or two.
21:27Daniel Craig's dear friend.
21:28Big shoes to fill.
21:30Do you think you're up to the job?
21:33Yes.
21:35Yes, I do.
21:37Now, more than ever, I'm ready to show the world that I've got what it takes.
21:41Yeah.
21:42Nigel Murray.
21:43How are you?
21:43Vanguard.
21:44Good.
21:45At least he tells me you do security for all the top wankers.
21:48Yeah, that's right, yeah.
21:50I'm always happy to take on a few up and coming wankers as well.
21:54Do you do personal?
21:55Because I might have an event tonight.
21:57Yeah, no, we do the full service.
21:58Even got a food taster if you need one.
22:00Tell you what, let's have a look in the house and we can talk about that afterwards.
22:02Yeah.
22:03So, the house is two points of entry.
22:05Hostile object into the front bay window.
22:08Those and the doors may need reinforcing and I was thinking maybe some visual deterrence
22:11along the perimeter if you have the bodies.
22:1360 Friendly is expected tomorrow.
22:15Wow.
22:16You really know your stuff?
22:17I played the translator in Homeland Season 7.
22:20Yes.
22:21Yes, yes you did.
22:22They got a lot of shit wrong on that show.
22:24Come on.
22:25Okay.
22:25All right.
22:26Your guests are for E.D.L. Fett here I presume.
22:28Yeah?
22:29Yeah.
22:29Okay.
22:30Yeah, just wanna make sure everyone feels safe.
22:32Yeah, sure.
22:33Fuck!
22:34It might make more sense for you to start off upstairs.
22:37I know it's harder to defend a position at a higher altitude, isn't it?
22:39Yeah.
22:40Okay.
22:40Well, I'll take my shoes off and go upstairs.
22:42Yeah.
22:42Do you agree?
22:43You can't really act this role.
22:45Part of you has to be it.
22:47Absolutely.
22:49Absolutely.
22:50Yeah.
22:52Luckily, I'm already very experienced at navigating attacks of various kinds.
22:57Whether in the public eye or on the home front, as it were.
23:01Oh, you just got in here.
23:02Oh, Mandarin Oriental.
23:03Sorted in.
23:03Thank you for sorting it out, Felicia.
23:05I'll speak to you later about the collar.
23:06All right, bye.
23:07What are you showing me right now?
23:08It's a hotel.
23:08Well, okay, they do free stays for celebs.
23:10Like Michelle Yeoh, Diggity, fucking Mufwesnani.
23:14And?
23:15Bro, your followers are blowing up, okay?
23:16It's a five-star safe house.
23:18All of us, one week, is free.
23:20Obviously, minus my costs, but...
23:22Yeah?
23:23Look, we're not going to a hotel.
23:24I'm dealing with it.
23:25I'm not gonna get anything happen to you.
23:27You don't need to be afraid.
23:28I'm not afraid.
23:29What are you talking about, man?
23:40Bro, what the fuck's all this?
23:41What does it look like?
23:42Security cuts.
23:43I told you that I had security sorted, so...
23:45Chill your pom pom out.
23:46Learn from that, man.
23:47It's not a fucking movie, yeah?
23:48Oh, is it?
23:49Are you going to ask where you got this from?
23:50All this?
23:52Allah provides, bro.
23:54Does he?
23:54Yes.
23:55Does he provide discount rate Mujahideen as well?
23:57I know these guys, bro.
23:57They're too thick to make it into ISIS.
23:59Which ISIS?
24:00ISIS-K.
24:00ISIS-L.
24:01OG ISIS.
24:02They've got different standards.
24:04I've heard.
24:08They don't need PhDs, do they?
24:10They're hard as fuck and they're committed.
24:11Takbir.
24:12I'm not trying to start a madrasa, yeah?
24:14I'm just trying to bring in some real, actual protection.
24:16If you could just listen to me for once.
24:18If I want your fucking protection,
24:20I'll ask for your extra small condoms.
24:22You like that one, don't you?
24:23Tiny Lully, yeah?
24:24Stop pressing me, cuz.
24:25I'm going to chat to Abba.
24:26We have to discuss this.
24:28I'm doing my butt doing everything.
24:30Baba?
24:32What are you doing?
24:33What?
24:33Any fucking bag of one could just walk in.
24:35That's because you've taken off the back door.
24:37That's why I've hired a professional.
24:38I'm a professional.
24:39I'm not doubting that.
24:40If you let me do it, then it would be better for everyone.
24:43Sean Connery to the rescue, is it?
24:46How do you understand that?
24:47Shah.
24:47Shah, brother.
24:48Shah, you better be a Janu and help me take this to the car.
24:51I-
24:51Shaluna.
24:53Sixty people's a lot, Farid.
24:54Your mommy needs my help.
24:58What are you putting?
25:00What are you doing?
25:00What?
25:02Chill, mommy.
25:03Bastard.
25:03You chill.
25:04For 20 fucking years, she's been trying to steal Eid.
25:07Already brinking her country's swelling.
25:08Kebabs.
25:09I like kebabs.
25:10Daira.
25:11What are you doing?
25:12Naila.
25:13Hey.
25:14It's been two days.
25:15Eid's a joint effort.
25:16I'm just doing my part.
25:17No, no, no.
25:18You've done already so much.
25:19Shahju, take the pots inside.
25:21Why are you giving Naila Andy more work?
25:22It's nothing, Daira.
25:23I was telling you.
25:25I could be doing so much more.
25:27Well, last night, sadly, it's no longer safe here, right?
25:30Why not move into my house?
25:32Who's not safe?
25:34Everybody stop.
25:35Can you stop, please, Baba?
25:36Baba, can you just come here, please?
25:37Can you stop the work, everyone?
25:38Right.
25:38Let's have a little chat about Eid and the plan.
25:40It's your plan, yeah?
25:41What?
25:42Outsourcing our protection.
25:43There is a Freemason nonce.
25:44I'm not a nonce.
25:45Should've gone to the hotel.
25:46Nigel's here to help secure the house.
25:48Look, Daira.
25:49Nothing is prepared.
25:50House won't be ready.
25:51Food won't be ready.
25:51Naila, Naila, please, Shahju.
25:53Sorry, guys.
25:54The Prophet, please be upon him.
25:55Exactly, exactly.
25:57He said it best when he said,
26:00Trust in Allah, but tie up your camel.
26:04My guy, he knows his stuff.
26:06You gotta hand it to him.
26:06I just want to say that holy days like this are an absolute lightning rod for bad actors,
26:10so perhaps you should think about moving your celebrations to a different location.
26:13Hey, Bencho, stop.
26:14One layover in Dubai thinks he knows our business.
26:16No, I've got tremendous respect for Islamic culture.
26:18Especially after six tours of Afghanistan, so.
26:23This is a war crime.
26:26You've got a lot of pain.
26:28Naila Ji.
26:29We'll come back with you.
26:31Please.
26:31Please.
26:32If something happened, you're responsible for it.
26:35Okay, Naila Ji.
26:38Mommy.
26:39I didn't...
26:40Mommy.
26:41Mommy.
26:44Lovely to meet the family.
26:45Colorful lot, aren't they?
26:46You really get after it.
26:48And your brother, he's...
26:49Seems nice.
26:51Well, he's not my brother.
26:52He's my cousin.
26:53But he was raised with us.
26:54Okay.
26:54It's complicated.
26:55All right.
26:55Well, look.
26:56This is for you, as you quote.
26:59Although, I would be willing to postpone payment, you know, in consideration of the future work.
27:06Because if my internet searches are correct, then you will be needing our services a lot more in the future.
27:10Oh.
27:11Well, let's see what happens.
27:13It's really reasonable.
27:14Could you just leave it with me?
27:14I'm getting a few different quotes soon.
27:16That's fine.
27:16Okay.
27:17Oh, so did you want me to provide a personal for tonight?
27:20I can send one of my best guys.
27:21What are you doing?
27:22You asked me to do security now.
27:23For tonight?
27:24I did.
27:25Him?
27:26Yeah, sorry.
27:26Well, we need to...
27:27Thank you for coming by.
27:28Yeah, no, absolute pleasure.
27:30Yeah.
27:31Well, oh, by the way, they've stolen dash cams.
27:33The battery life is...
27:34So, bring a charger.
27:36All right.
27:37You can have that for free.
27:38Cheers, Nigel.
27:39Why are you wasting your money on these render fees, bro?
27:42I've had your back since day.
27:53I heard you go into this gala tonight.
27:56On your own, or...?
27:59I've got a plus one.
28:02Is this it?
28:04I've got any shoes on trainers.
28:07Can I arrange it?
28:10Oh, get ready, you fucker.
28:32Wait, that is a proper go fuck out of there.
28:34It's a good job I came to babysit you.
28:36My bro, you might be taking care of the muscle, but I'm winning over the hearts and minds, yeah?
28:41Well, in the middle of a culture war, that's the real battleground.
28:43Big man, how are you going to fucking battle them with your horny make-up face?
28:46What?
28:47You know the face that you do when you're on the red carpet.
28:49It looks like you're trying to shag that camera, but you're worried the camera's going to shag you back.
28:52No, I'm not.
28:53Don't put that in my head right now.
28:54You're going to put me off.
28:55Okay.
28:56For confirmation.
28:57What is that?
28:58What, man?
28:58I look good there.
28:59You look like you're making a pervy version of fucking planet Earth.
29:02All right, let me just see something.
29:04Rajtaka?
29:05Motherfucker is-
29:06All right, all right.
29:07Don't jizz on my level of seats.
29:08You can't afford the cleaning fee.
29:09Okay, listen, let's just go there and smash it, all right?
29:11Brother, we are already fucking smashing it, okay?
29:13We are arriving in the Muba Prime experience.
29:15Look at this.
29:16Alal Harry Bowls.
29:17Customs, specifically branded Zamzam water.
29:19Your little mini dildo on the dashboard.
29:21Kaz, look at me.
29:22We are arriving like this is fast and furious, but without the four skins.
29:25You understand?
29:26Come on, let's get it, Kaz, yeah?
29:27Yeah, you ready?
29:28Yes, bro.
29:30Yeah!
29:32Come on, don't do that on the red carpet.
29:33I can't guarantee it.
29:46There's a lot of excitement, but also some displeasure at the idea of a Gujarati playing Bond.
29:53Proving those voices wrong has been my life's mission.
29:56How so?
29:58Well, it's why I want the role.
29:59It's why I'm here speaking to you.
30:01Is that why you wanted to make a speech at the King's Museum Gala?
30:05Exactly.
30:06To show people that this is what a hero can look like.
30:09To show them that this, too, is what British looks like.
30:16Hey, yo, listen.
30:18I support the team.
30:19I support the team.
30:19But when you finish tonight, please get home with Muba, okay?
30:22That's for you.
30:23Sorry there's no service in your area.
30:25I'm Turkish.
30:26You're Turkish?
30:27Then there's service in your area.
30:28Excuse me, sister.
30:29No!
30:30Stop!
30:32MC Rickshaw, mate!
30:35Can I get a pic?
30:37You want a pic?
30:37I'll kill you next week.
30:38Hey, yo, guys!
30:39Guys!
30:40Come and get a picture with your one and only fan.
30:41Come on.
30:42Oi!
30:43Bro, you're ignoring me.
30:44Bro, we gotta go, man.
30:45Why are you going in there?
30:47Man, sold out!
30:49You should be out here with us.
30:51Hey, yo, yo, yo.
30:52Make sure we have a photo with you.
30:53What's the problem?
30:54Bro, if I get a photo to take with them, Lord, it's not the right image I'm going for right
30:57now, alright?
30:58The real change happens in the air.
30:59We gotta get in the air.
31:02Listen, I know you think you're His Majesty's Secret Service or something, yeah?
31:05But don't go full coconut pussy all around you tonight.
31:07Oh, yeah?
31:08Then don't go into father fuckboy on me, then.
31:10You want to respect my guy?
31:12Keep it real, yeah?
31:13Okay, why don't you respect this?
31:14Watch and learn.
31:18You're doing it again?
31:19I'm not doing the face.
31:20You're doing the face again.
31:21Alright, let me show you.
31:23Nah.
31:24You know what that is?
31:25You look like a paedophile germal, bro.
31:27There's cameras.
31:28Why would you think paedophile-
31:28Because they don't have sound, it's fault.
31:29Mr. Lateef?
31:30Hi.
31:31So happy to be here.
31:32I'm so glad to be here, thank you.
31:34This is my associate, Magra Machika Learn.
31:35Um, can I ask, um, who I might speak to about my speech this evening?
31:40Oh.
31:41We don't have you down as doing a speech.
31:42I think it's because I'm a last, a last minute addition.
31:46So.
31:46Well.
31:47It'll be a new house, I suppose.
31:49Yeah.
31:49She's our new director.
31:50Okay.
31:50Oh, I'm guessing I have a plus one?
31:53Ah.
31:54Mr. Soufricot-Elli, CEO of Move Enterprises.
31:57I just think this should be like an official record that I'm here tonight, so.
32:02Cuz, where the fuck have you bought us, man?
32:04This looks like the Jaws bull sack.
32:07You're from humble beginnings like me.
32:09So, how's your family dealing with all this?
32:12The same way we deal with everything.
32:14It's a team.
32:15Together.
32:16I'm proud to say that we've all got each other's backs.
32:20Bro, this is mad.
32:22Yeah, I told you, bro.
32:22I've got stuff cooking.
32:23As-salamu alaykum.
32:24As-salamu alaykum.
32:25Sorry.
32:28Alright.
32:30We've got to find this Vivian, yeah?
32:33No point in me being here if I can't get on stage.
32:35There she is.
32:35Museum director, yeah?
32:37My God.
32:38What the fuck are you, bro?
32:39Some ego, bro.
32:40Look at this.
32:41Listen, I'm gonna go work on her.
32:43Hey, yo, yo.
32:43Shall we take team her?
32:44What?
32:45Not like that.
32:46I mean, like, convince her together.
32:47Like, good packy, bad packy.
32:49What would that be like?
32:52Like, good cop, bad cop.
32:53I've got packies.
32:55I've got this one covered, yeah?
32:57You sure, yeah?
32:57Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
32:58In a bit.
32:59I'll be here.
33:01Sing, let me tell you about this.
33:06He didn't get it.
33:11I'm Vivian.
33:12Charlotte Eve.
33:13Oh, yes.
33:14Of course, Mr. Lateef.
33:15I wonder if I could borrow you for a moment.
33:17Oh, absolutely.
33:18Although anything borrowed has to be.
33:19We're coming back now, apparently.
33:21What can I do for you, Mr. Lateef?
33:22I was actually wondering what I might be able to do for you.
33:25There's nobody like Muslims that can get you to where you need to be on time.
33:28Brother, we are on time for prayers five times a day.
33:30If you call me, brr, brr, Zulfi.
33:33Can you get me to where I need to go?
33:34I'll get you there.
33:34This museum means a great deal to me, and I saw you had a number of protesters outside.
33:39Yes, and it thrills me to see young people engaging in a conversation about our shared heritage and culture.
33:45In fact, we invite this kind of dialogue.
33:47Is it a dialogue, though, if you don't have an ambassador of sorts to help bridge the divide between those
33:51on the inside and those out there?
33:53Who's your name?
33:54Ali Reza.
33:55Ali Reza.
33:55I'm feeling the Iran.
33:57Yes.
33:57Yeah, bit of Farsi, my guy.
33:59Come on.
33:59We could be in that region.
34:01I, for one, would be honored to get up there and say a few words about how global Britain truly
34:07is, both in its artifacts and its people.
34:09You know, I'm an ape, then, Dion.
34:10I did not.
34:12Wow.
34:12What about yourself? Where are you from?
34:13London.
34:14London.
34:14You're from London?
34:15You sound, wait, originally from London?
34:19But I understand your latest acquisition is from a Muslim country.
34:22Yes, but treasures like the one we're unveiling tonight don't just belong to Islam. They belong to us all.
34:27So I can go up and say a few words? I'll be very brief.
34:30No, Miss Latif. That's simply not how we do things around here. This isn't a pop-up Banksy exhibit. Besides,
34:36we already have our dear friend Raj Thakar giving a speech. Enjoy your evening.
34:47And now, to the more uncomfortable part of our chat. You didn't think this was going to be all softballs,
34:54did you? Raj Thakar, your rival?
34:57I wouldn't call him that.
34:59Come on, come on. You can be honest. I can't be in the same room as Ian Magneto McKellen. Oh,
35:05sorry. Sir, Ian Magneto McKellen.
35:08I just think that there's plenty of room for all of us at the top.
35:12Oh, please. A day ago, you were the only brown bloke up for the job. And now, there are two.
35:18And word on the web is he'd make a better bond.
35:21Yeah, well, I don't really pay attention to what people say about me. It's just not in my nature.
35:25You should, old chap. He's a bigger name with a bigger fan base. And I dare say he's thought of
35:31as a better actor.
35:32That's subjective. Cut the camel shit, Latif. You couldn't even convince that museum director to let you speak. How do
35:41you expect to convince the world that you can be Bond?
35:44You don't stand a chance in a whore's pajamas, do you, you pussyhole?
35:50He's to go in addition, you push cunt!
35:55No use being angry with me. You only have yourself to blame.
36:00I'm trying. Try harder. Do you understand?
36:07Here he is. Hey! Hey, Charlotte, man. I haven't seen you in a minute, bro. How's it going?
36:12Yeah, when was the last time I saw you? Um... Mango Tree premiere. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
36:17Thank you for coming. Man, you were so good in that. Thank you.
36:19Do you guys see that? Under the mango tree. So it's about this magical mango tree. This white woman eats
36:25a mango.
36:25She travels back in time to colonial India. Falls in love with this Indian guy and they have this relationship
36:30over space and time.
36:31It's about her. Love's timeless and crosses all sorts of boundaries. I don't know why I didn't connect more.
36:37Actually, can I? Where are you from? Yeah, yeah. Thanks a lot.
36:42Um, you look incredible, by the way. And very, very smart getting photographed in the tugs and holding that drink.
36:46It's, uh...
36:47Just here to support one of our nation's most important cultural institutions.
36:52Um, just... The one thing's got people going mental, hasn't it?
36:56Yeah, people are passionate, man. Yeah.
36:57It's just that the hate, though. The hate is... It's a lot, right?
37:01I know you're probably... I mean, you're probably getting a lot of that, too.
37:04Not really. Nothing to cry about. You just gotta stay grateful.
37:10People are busting their asses at dead-end jobs just to put food on the table.
37:13We live in the dream. Yeah. Yeah.
37:15There we are. Yeah, hate's a small price to pay.
37:17It is. It's just some psycho sent a pig's head to my mom's house, so...
37:22You serious? Fuckin' hell.
37:24That's actually why I'm here. Um, I wanna show them that no amount of hate is gonna make me hide.
37:30And actually, if this museum can house treasures from all around the world, then this country has to take in
37:35people from all around the world. Am I right?
37:37Yeah, preach, brother.
37:38I just wanna make a statement showing that this, this, too, is what British looks like.
37:43I love the passion, man.
37:45I'm so glad you said that, because I heard that you're speaking later, and I was thinking maybe we could
37:48tag-team it.
37:49Yeah, that's a great idea. Yeah.
37:52You've got something important to say. I wanna be a part of that. Yeah.
37:55I tell you what, why don't I go up first, and then I'll bring you up.
37:57I would love that. Thank you, my brother. Yeah, yeah.
37:59I love that, man. Of course. I really appreciate it.
38:01Yeah, there you are. Hey.
38:03I know you. Oh, this is my security guy. The Mooba guy. Yeah, I overheard you chatting about it earlier.
38:08I love the concept.
38:09Thank you, brother. Yeah, yeah. Are you Muslim?
38:12Help me all. A little. Yeah. Have you got a card? I'll spread the word.
38:16Nice. Yeah. Okay. I gotta go. That's my mum.
38:21You brought your mum? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I wouldn't be here without her, so I shouldn't be here without her,
38:26you know?
38:26It's all thicker. That's me. That's me. Good to see you, man.
38:28Yeah, you too. Man. He's either the sweetest twat I've ever met or the thickest twat.
38:37You're a thick twat.
38:39What? Security guy. That's what I am to him.
38:43You literally told me to bring it here as security. Why are you getting cranky?
38:46Oh, you haven't broken fast, huh?
38:48No, I haven't. Of course, I'm hungry, man.
38:49You don't eat a canapé. Champagne, don't you?
38:51Just have a little canapé, bro.
38:54Just have a little something to eat.
38:56Nothing here. It's halal. None of the little things, the big things, none of it.
38:58Have some halumi. Halumi.
39:00Halumi's not as really. That's what they want you to think.
39:02It's an Arabic. Cheers.
39:04Prove it to me. Google it.
39:05You know I don't use Google.
39:08Thank you. Too kind. Good evening.
39:15In 2001, we watched in horror as Taliban fanatics laid waste to a once great nation's cultural heritage.
39:25We wept as monuments to peace were turned to rubble.
39:30But tonight, we right this wrong.
39:33After a nine-year, £15 million restoration project, it is my honour to present to you tonight
39:40the restored Buddha of Bamiyan.
39:57And now an extra special treat.
39:59It is with great enthusiasm that I invite tonight's guest speaker to the stage.
40:04The most gentleman of Vampire Hunter I've ever had the pleasure of meeting, Raj Stakar.
40:16It's an honour to be here, I mean.
40:19Wow.
40:21This museum is home to artefacts from around the globe.
40:26And so it should follow that England, too, is home to people from those same places.
40:31Now, tonight is a celebration, but I would like to speak with you all about my experiences as an Englishman
40:37and as a person of colour.
40:40Recently, racist hate took the form of a severed pig's head delivered to my family's doorstep.
40:51It was horrific.
40:53There was blood everywhere.
40:55My mother was left traumatised.
40:57Mummy, I'm sorry.
41:00But no amount of hate will make me hide.
41:04Those driven by prejudice, they need to see us in these spaces.
41:12And because this, too, is what British looks like.
41:21Excuse me, Ms. Latif.
41:23Do you have a situation?
41:24A man claiming to be your brother has been harassing and racially profiling museum guests.
41:30They're really doing very special work.
41:33Oh, and, uh, Shah Latif wanted to say something, too.
41:36I'm about to go on, man.
41:37Shah?
41:38Otherwise, we're going to have to escort him off the premises immediately.
41:41I don't know it.
41:50Enough.
42:00So, let's talk about your big moment.
42:03The speech that never was.
42:05A silky bit of spycraft from Thacker.
42:07He's clearly made for the role.
42:10Not to mention he can get the bleeding lines out.
42:15Line? I can do better. I can.
42:18Can you now? Let's see.
42:21I also had a pig's head sent to my mom's house.
42:28I, um...
42:29Nice one, dickhead. You're more frozen than me.
42:33But it's not your acting. That's the problem, is it?
42:36It's who you are.
42:39You don't have the balls to be bombed.
42:43Hey, yo, guys. Bom by me, you weren't an only fan.
42:45You turned your back on your own fans.
42:48Man, slow down!
42:49You turned your back on your own family.
42:52Get the fuck off me, bro.
42:55Face it. People like you are never the heroes of the story.
43:00You'll always just be a scared little packy.
43:09Send him back where he came from!
43:14Get the fuck off me!
43:22Oh, oh!
43:24Oh, oh, oh, oh!
43:30Oh, oh, oh, oh!
43:41Yeah?
43:46You okay?
43:48Yeah, are you?
43:49What were you doing?
43:51Nothing. What were you doing?
43:52Nothing, bro. It's 2am. Were you talking to someone or what?
43:56Oh, sorry, man. I was just running lines.
43:59In a suit?
44:00Costume, innit?
44:02Yeah, well, the moon's been sighted, so...
44:05Eve Mubarak, yeah.
44:08The night, you weirdo.
44:13Eve Mubarak, bitch!
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