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00:00:28Transcribed by ESO. Translated by —
00:00:49to be honest i don't know that much about art but i did see your tv shows i thought they
00:00:54were
00:00:54bloody good i'm a librarian by profession i have been now for 17 years so naturally i'm familiar
00:01:05with your books and not just because i've been stamping them out i have a degree in history of
00:01:16fine art edinburgh university studied under burners roger burners you know him
00:01:27uh well i've read all your books um i especially like the one on rembrandt
00:01:35uh an amanuensis what the hell's that
00:02:08so
00:02:46Who is it?
00:02:47Jane Ryder, you were expecting me.
00:02:51Push it off, come in.
00:02:55That's it.
00:02:56Who's it behind you?
00:02:58Come in.
00:02:59Sorry, I'm a few minutes late.
00:03:05Come in, come in.
00:03:06Close the door, would you?
00:03:08Just throw your coat anywhere.
00:03:10No problem.
00:03:12I'll sit here, shall I?
00:03:13And perhaps you would like to sit there.
00:03:17Feel free to smoke.
00:03:19Oh, perhaps you'd like one of mine.
00:03:21Oh, no, thank you.
00:03:22I'm sorry, did my nonchalantly
00:03:24putting it from my pocket put you off?
00:03:27No, not at all.
00:03:28I'm never quite sure what is the height
00:03:30of elegance or vulgarity.
00:03:32Well, it's just that I don't smoke.
00:03:41So shall we start?
00:03:43Yes, please.
00:03:45I'm curious to know why you answered my advertisement.
00:03:49You must have known I was expecting a man.
00:03:52Well, no, you didn't specify that.
00:03:54No, I didn't specify very much, did I?
00:03:58No.
00:03:59You've obviously heard of me.
00:04:00Of course.
00:04:02I've read everything you've ever written.
00:04:04When I was at the Royal College of Art,
00:04:06you were kind of like a god to me.
00:04:09Aha!
00:04:11Go on, go on.
00:04:16Sorry, I'm not usually this dithery.
00:04:18I don't exactly know what I'm supposed to say next.
00:04:20How old are you?
00:04:2238.
00:04:25Your job?
00:04:26On the telephone you've said something
00:04:27about stocks and shares.
00:04:29I work at one of the big banks in London.
00:04:32What happened to art school?
00:04:35Suppose I just didn't have it.
00:04:37Aha.
00:04:38So you have no idea what this job of mine entails?
00:04:41No, not at all.
00:04:43So, now we come to the nub.
00:04:47How good are your powers of observation?
00:04:49What?
00:04:49You heard me.
00:04:51How good are you at observing things
00:04:53and accurately describing what you've observed?
00:04:57I suppose, like most people,
00:05:00I consider that my powers of observation are quite good.
00:05:04All right.
00:05:05Describe yourself to me.
00:05:07My face.
00:05:08You consider yourself beautiful.
00:05:10Suppose, if I'm honest, I'm considered attractive, yes.
00:05:15And?
00:05:16And I have high cheekbones,
00:05:21bluish-gray eyes,
00:05:24full lips, blonde hair.
00:05:27Bespectacled?
00:05:28No.
00:05:29I'm sorry.
00:05:30What's up?
00:05:31Describe my face.
00:05:38Don't tell me that you have nothing to say.
00:05:40I know better than that.
00:05:43Let me tell you at once, Jane Ryder.
00:05:46You're worse than useless to me
00:05:48if you cannot, or indeed will not,
00:05:50describe my face.
00:05:58Your face looks as though it has been badly scarred
00:06:01in some kind of an accident.
00:06:04On your forehead and your right cheek,
00:06:07you have these sort of bumps and bulges
00:06:12with red lines and a sort of a grayish-white color.
00:06:18The bottom half and left side of your face
00:06:20look perfectly normal,
00:06:22and I can't describe your eyes
00:06:23because you have on dark glasses.
00:06:25Of course.
00:06:27Care to show me.
00:06:36Cat got your tongue.
00:06:39You have no eyes.
00:06:42Yes, I have no eyes.
00:06:46And I don't wear glass once
00:06:48because I think that would be over-aging
00:06:50an already rather lumpy pudding.
00:06:54Congratulations, though.
00:06:55Oh, though I might have preferred
00:06:56that you described it with a little less gusto.
00:06:58although I did goad you into it, didn't I?
00:07:00I'm sorry, if I...
00:07:01No, no, no, no.
00:07:02You did exactly what I asked you to do.
00:07:12I'm impressed.
00:07:14For a man who can't see,
00:07:16you certainly know your way around.
00:07:18Ah, yes.
00:07:19I've memorized this room.
00:07:20I've learned it by heart,
00:07:21like a poem by Walter de la Mer.
00:07:23But outside of here,
00:07:25my bedroom and the drawing room,
00:07:27I'm truly blind.
00:07:28But here, in this room,
00:07:30I see as well as you.
00:07:32You like my little bonner, hmm?
00:07:36Rather voluptuous, don't you think?
00:07:47And here is a first edition of Thackeray's Vanity Fair.
00:08:05And this ashtray I bought in Los Angeles
00:08:08because it reminded me
00:08:09of one of David Hockney's swimming pools, hmm?
00:08:12Yes, I see what you mean.
00:08:23Yes, I see what you mean.
00:08:34I'm such a ham.
00:08:36Shall we go next door?
00:08:38It's rather more cosy.
00:08:39No problem.
00:08:42No, this way.
00:08:54You'll come in.
00:08:56Please sit down.
00:09:00Just so that you know,
00:09:02I lost my eyes and half of my face
00:09:05in Thailand four years ago.
00:09:07My car skidded off the road.
00:09:08I went through the windscreen.
00:09:10The whole thing burst into flames.
00:09:11Oh, I'm sorry.
00:09:13Well, there we are.
00:09:14The good thing, of course,
00:09:15about having no eyes
00:09:16is that you never have to see
00:09:17what you look like without them.
00:09:19Of course, I still can feel
00:09:21these bumps and bulges
00:09:23that you so vividly describe
00:09:24and the two empty eye sockets.
00:09:31I didn't want anything
00:09:32to do with the modern world.
00:09:33I had no newspapers,
00:09:35television, radio.
00:09:38I came here and went to ground.
00:09:40Does all this belong to you?
00:09:42To my family, yes.
00:09:43I haven't lived here
00:09:44since I was a boy.
00:09:46It's magnificent.
00:09:47It's a monstrosity.
00:09:49Anyway, enough chit-chat.
00:09:50I expect you'd like to know
00:09:51what this is about.
00:09:52I have an idea.
00:09:53Is it that you want to write a book?
00:09:55Exactly, Jane.
00:09:56One last book.
00:09:58My re-entry to the world of the living.
00:10:00Of course, I'm going to need
00:10:01an amanuensis.
00:10:02It can be my eyes, my fingers.
00:10:04I see.
00:10:05Now, you are currently unattached?
00:10:07Yes, I'm single.
00:10:08Well, I would expect you
00:10:09to live here throughout.
00:10:10Seven days a week
00:10:11if you are so minded.
00:10:13Five if you want to spend
00:10:14your weekends in London.
00:10:15You may choose your own bedroom.
00:10:17Heaven knows how many there are.
00:10:18I certainly don't.
00:10:19Have as many as you like.
00:10:21In case you're wondering,
00:10:22I am offering you the job.
00:10:24Perhaps you'd like time
00:10:25to think about it.
00:10:26No, it's just that
00:10:27we haven't spoken about money.
00:10:29Of course, remuneration.
00:10:30I will be prepared to pay you
00:10:32three thousand pounds per month.
00:10:34Does that sound reasonable?
00:10:35It sounds extremely generous.
00:10:37Plus board and lodging,
00:10:38of course.
00:10:39A year should do it.
00:10:41Then yes.
00:10:42Excellent.
00:10:43I know we'll work
00:10:44famously together.
00:10:51What exquisitely manicured fingernails.
00:10:53Thank you, Sir Paul.
00:10:55Not at all.
00:10:55I can still pay
00:10:56an attractive woman
00:10:57a compliment.
00:10:59And please,
00:11:00not Sir Paul.
00:11:01Paul will do very nicely.
00:11:02Just Paul.
00:11:03Paul.
00:11:04Now, there's something
00:11:05you ought to know.
00:11:06I am not looking
00:11:08for a nursemaid.
00:11:10I have a housekeeper,
00:11:11Mrs. Kilbride.
00:11:12She's a Glaswegian poor soul.
00:11:14She does all the cooking
00:11:16and cleaning.
00:11:19There's one other thing.
00:11:22It's rather embarrassing.
00:11:25I have a terrific fear
00:11:26of the dark.
00:11:28It is rather extraordinary
00:11:31for a blind man
00:11:32to fear the dark,
00:11:32but there we are.
00:11:34I am also dreadfully
00:11:36claustrophobic.
00:11:38I'd be claustrophobic
00:11:40in the universe.
00:11:42That is claustrophobic.
00:11:44It's no laughing matter.
00:11:46Oh, I didn't mean to...
00:11:47No, no, I know.
00:11:48I know, I know, I know.
00:11:49I insist on the lights
00:11:51being switched on
00:11:52in this house
00:11:52exactly the same time
00:11:54as they would be
00:11:55in any normal house.
00:11:56Right.
00:12:11Also, I sleep
00:12:12with the nightlight on.
00:12:14Pathetic, I know.
00:12:15I promise not to leave you
00:12:17in the dark.
00:12:18Is that it?
00:12:19No, I walk downstairs
00:12:20backwards.
00:12:21Sorry?
00:12:22I walk downstairs backwards.
00:12:24It's perfectly logical
00:12:25if you think about it.
00:12:26Should I lose my footing,
00:12:27I will not tumble headlong.
00:12:29There's one more thing
00:12:30I should like to know
00:12:31about you.
00:12:31Mm-hmm.
00:12:34I asked you earlier
00:12:37to describe yourself.
00:12:38I'd like to check
00:12:39how accurate
00:12:39that description was.
00:12:41May I?
00:12:41I'm sorry.
00:13:43only the west wing is heated everything else under dust sheets for how long all four years
00:14:06so
00:14:10so
00:14:12so
00:14:18I don't know.
00:14:43I don't know.
00:15:13I don't know.
00:15:15I don't know.
00:15:18I don't know.
00:15:19I don't know.
00:15:20I don't know.
00:15:22Ah, Jane.
00:15:23There you are.
00:15:24Dinner will be served shortly.
00:15:27All settled in?
00:15:29Yes.
00:15:29Right.
00:15:31Have you set up your computer in the library?
00:15:34Yes.
00:15:36It's a Mac.
00:15:37I hope that's okay.
00:15:38Oh.
00:15:39Most people use PCs.
00:15:41Oh, listen.
00:15:42If what you're used to is a big Mac, then a big Mac is what you must have.
00:15:48Where is Mrs Kilbride?
00:15:50She knows I like to be served at 7.30 promptly.
00:15:52What time is it?
00:15:5422.
00:15:55Hmm.
00:15:56She's probably late because of you.
00:15:58And she serves straight on to the table.
00:16:00Do you mind?
00:16:01Of course not.
00:16:02Good.
00:16:03Ah.
00:16:04Here she is.
00:16:06Dear Mrs Kilbride.
00:16:09We were wondering what had become of you.
00:16:11Well, sir, Miss Ryder, I'm sorry, but I'm no use to doing for two.
00:16:16I've had to change my whole way of thinking.
00:16:18Well, I'm sure you coped admirably.
00:16:21Well, seeing as it's a special evening, a major favourite.
00:16:25Steak and kidney pudding.
00:16:26Ah, but everything you cook is my favourite.
00:16:29You are, Miss Ryder.
00:16:32And don't you fret.
00:16:33I know Sir Paul's only pulling my leg.
00:16:35I know how he talks about my cooking behind my back.
00:16:38He's just got to like it or lump it.
00:16:41Sir Paul didn't say anything.
00:16:43Oh, yes, he did.
00:16:44We go back a long ways, him and me.
00:16:48Don't we?
00:16:48You.
00:16:49Don't do that.
00:16:50You know I don't like it.
00:16:51Have we both been served?
00:16:52It's all there on the table.
00:16:54Good.
00:16:55Jane will call you when we're done.
00:16:56Well, don't you let him bully you, Miss Ryder,
00:16:58else he'll become unbearable.
00:17:00Wished woman.
00:17:01Off with you.
00:17:08Poor Mrs Kilbride.
00:17:09In the tragedy that is my life,
00:17:11she's cast herself in the role of comic relief.
00:17:14Now I have to teach you the clock method.
00:17:17Hmm?
00:17:17Now I have in front of me,
00:17:19I know steak and kidney pudding,
00:17:21probably roast potatoes,
00:17:23and either brussels sprouts or peas.
00:17:26Sprouts?
00:17:27Yeah, dependable Mrs Kilbride.
00:17:30Now I know what's there,
00:17:31but I don't know where it is.
00:17:34So?
00:17:34Let me see if I have it.
00:17:36Potatoes at twelve,
00:17:39steak pie at three,
00:17:40and brussels sprouts at nine.
00:17:42Well done, Jane.
00:17:43Well done.
00:17:44No problem.
00:17:45Would you like some salt or pepper?
00:17:46Neither.
00:17:47No problem.
00:17:48Okay.
00:17:49Bread?
00:17:49No, thank you.
00:17:50No problem.
00:17:52And please, can we have no more,
00:17:54no problems, please?
00:17:55It's a modern cliche that I absolutely abhor.
00:17:59It's what I came down here to get away from,
00:18:00all that.
00:18:02I'm sorry.
00:18:02No, no, no.
00:18:04I'm sorry.
00:18:04I wasn't being rude.
00:18:05I was just being frank.
00:18:07Frankness is essential, you know,
00:18:09between collaborators.
00:18:10So now is the time to iron out any little wrinkles.
00:18:12So if there's anything that I do or say
00:18:15which irritates you, then...
00:18:17Now that you mention it, there is.
00:18:19There is?
00:18:20Well, well, well.
00:18:22What?
00:18:24Poor.
00:18:25Poor?
00:18:26Yes, the word poor.
00:18:28I'm sorry.
00:18:28I don't follow.
00:18:29Well, just a moment ago,
00:18:30you referred to Mrs Kilbride as poor Mrs Kilbride.
00:18:33Did I?
00:18:35I've just never been able to stomach the word poor.
00:18:38It seems, uh, patronising.
00:18:42Hmm.
00:18:44I've offended you.
00:18:45No.
00:18:46No, not at all.
00:18:47I'm not offended.
00:18:48No.
00:18:48Merely surprised.
00:18:49I didn't know I did it.
00:18:51If I had an eyebrow, I'd be raising it now.
00:18:54I shouldn't have spoken.
00:18:55No, no, no.
00:18:56Not at all.
00:18:56I asked you and you spoke.
00:18:58Are there any other hang-ups that I ought to know about?
00:19:02No.
00:19:03Did I say something funny?
00:19:05What?
00:19:06You're smiling.
00:19:07Did I say something funny?
00:19:10You can hear me smile.
00:19:11I can hear you think.
00:19:36What would you like me to call it?
00:19:38What?
00:19:40The document.
00:19:41The document.
00:19:41I ought to give the document a name.
00:19:43Oh, I...
00:19:44Well...
00:19:45Does your testament have a title?
00:19:47Oh, I see.
00:19:48No, I was thinking of calling it a closed book.
00:19:51Oh.
00:19:52I like that.
00:19:53Do you?
00:19:54It is rather neat, isn't it?
00:19:56I'll call it book for short, okay?
00:19:58Oh, will you?
00:20:00All right.
00:20:00Well...
00:20:01Well...
00:20:03So how do we go about this?
00:20:06Well, it's not going to be easy because I need time to adjust because I'm not...
00:20:10You know...
00:20:10Of course.
00:20:14So why don't you just keep typing, no matter how confused it seems, and then we can clean
00:20:20it up afterwards.
00:20:21Sounds good.
00:20:21All right.
00:20:22So shall we start?
00:20:23Yes.
00:20:24Right.
00:20:28I'm blind.
00:20:29I realise that.
00:20:31No, no.
00:20:32That's the first sentence.
00:20:34Oh.
00:20:34I'm sorry.
00:20:35What's that?
00:20:36Sorry.
00:20:37I'm blind, full stop.
00:20:39Well, of course, full stop.
00:20:40As you said, it was a sentence, didn't I?
00:20:42Don't bother me with punctuation.
00:20:44Just use your instinct.
00:20:45Hopefully your education.
00:20:47Right.
00:20:48Sorry.
00:20:54Ready when you are.
00:20:55No, no.
00:20:56Don't keep prompting me.
00:20:57When I know what it is I want to say, you'll be the first to be told.
00:21:02Sorry.
00:21:03And don't keep fucking saying sorry every two seconds.
00:21:06It's like me fucking bananas.
00:21:17And now it's my turn to say sorry.
00:21:18I humbly apologise.
00:21:20I'm deeply sorry.
00:21:21I'm so sorry.
00:21:22I should never have spoken like that.
00:21:23Please forgive me.
00:21:24Don't worry about it.
00:21:25I know this must be awkward for you.
00:21:27Thank you very much.
00:21:30So I'll start again.
00:21:31Yes.
00:21:32Um.
00:21:34I am blind.
00:21:35I have no sight.
00:21:38Equally, I have no eyes.
00:21:41Um.
00:21:42Thus, I am a freak.
00:21:45Blindness is freakish, is surreal.
00:21:48Excuse me.
00:21:49Excuse me.
00:21:50Do you want both is freakish and is surreal?
00:21:52Yes.
00:21:53Is freakish, is surreal, full stop.
00:21:57Blindness is freakish, is surreal.
00:21:59Oh, God.
00:21:59That's absolute garbage.
00:22:00What am I talking about?
00:22:01This won't do it.
00:22:02It's absolute bloody nonsense.
00:22:03What, um.
00:22:04It's all right.
00:22:05It's all right.
00:22:06Just you keep typing.
00:22:07Don't worry about my complaints.
00:22:10All right.
00:22:12Blindness is freakish, is surreal.
00:22:14Even more surreal.
00:22:16Even more surreal.
00:22:16Is that having been dispossessed.
00:22:20Of not only my sight, but my eyes.
00:22:27Not only of my sight, but of my eyes.
00:22:30Um.
00:22:32Um.
00:22:33Um.
00:22:34Of my sight.
00:22:36Um.
00:22:37Of my sight, but of my eyes.
00:22:41Work from 9 to 12.30.
00:22:43Lunch.
00:22:45Revisions from 2.30 to 6.
00:22:47Dinner at 7.30 always.
00:22:50Followed by a walk around the gardens or else into the village.
00:22:54Right.
00:22:54Now, Jane, there is absolutely nothing to shepherding a blind man around.
00:22:58That's it.
00:22:58Just link your arm and mine.
00:22:59That's it.
00:23:00Good.
00:23:01Just a little tighter.
00:23:03That's it.
00:23:03Nice and snug.
00:23:04Yes.
00:23:04Don't be alarmed.
00:23:06This is as intimate as we're ever likely to get.
00:23:08Now, if we approach something that I should know by, like, the curb.
00:23:12Mm-hmm.
00:23:12Just exert a little pressure.
00:23:14Like this?
00:23:15Well, perhaps not quite as tight as that.
00:23:16Just like reining in a horse.
00:23:18Do you ride?
00:23:19No.
00:23:20Sorry.
00:23:20Well, use your imagination.
00:23:22Right.
00:23:22Village.
00:23:23Clockwise, I think.
00:23:33Mrs. Kilbride arrives at 7.30 a.m. and leaves after serving dinner.
00:23:38Saturday after lunch.
00:23:40Doesn't come on Sunday.
00:23:43The house is alarmed.
00:23:44Okay.
00:24:11Chin chin.
00:24:12Chin chin.
00:24:18You know, having you here is the best thing that's happened to me for a very long time.
00:24:24Well, thank you, Paul.
00:24:25I appreciate that.
00:24:26How about you?
00:24:27Have you enjoyed it, to be honest?
00:24:31Yes.
00:24:31It's been as interesting as I hoped it would be.
00:24:34Mm.
00:24:35Good.
00:24:36We have worked well together, I think.
00:24:38Yeah, we have.
00:24:39So, what's today?
00:24:41It's Friday.
00:24:42So, after London tomorrow?
00:24:44Yep.
00:24:44See the boyfriend, hmm?
00:24:46There's no boyfriend, but I do have to get into town.
00:24:49Mm-hmm.
00:24:50We did say that I would spend my weekends in London.
00:24:54Oh, absolutely, absolutely.
00:24:55And I was just wondering something.
00:24:57Wondering what?
00:24:58Well, if you had an hour or so to spare.
00:25:00Yeah.
00:25:00I probably will.
00:25:02Well, then, there's a little reconnoitering job that I'd like you to do for me.
00:25:06If you did it at the weekend, then that would mean you didn't have to go off to London
00:25:09again in the week.
00:25:11What would it involve?
00:25:12Well, there's a painting, a self-portrait by Rembrandt in the National Gallery.
00:25:17And I just happen to think that it's the best portrait ever.
00:25:19And I'd like to write about it next week.
00:25:22So, what I want is a detailed description of the picture.
00:25:28Perhaps a postcard.
00:25:29I think you could get one at the souvenir shop.
00:25:32Actually, actually, what would be best of all would be a jigsaw.
00:25:37A jigsaw puzzle.
00:25:39Yes, yes.
00:25:40Yes, they have them of some of the paintings.
00:25:42I know they have the Holbein Ambassadors and the Seurat the Bathers.
00:25:47You know that one?
00:25:48Of course.
00:25:52I don't expect they'd have the Rembrandt.
00:25:55I mean, who would want a jigsaw of a bulbous-nosed old codger in a smock?
00:26:01But only if it wouldn't spoil your weekend, of course.
00:26:05I've got errands to do anyway.
00:26:07So, when shall I see you?
00:26:09I'll be back Sunday night, but late, so don't wait up for me.
00:26:12I shan't.
00:26:15With a shake of his poor little head, he replied...
00:26:25Hello?
00:26:32Hello?
00:26:33Hello, is someone there?
00:26:37Hello?
00:26:46Is someone there?
00:26:50Hello?
00:26:51He's his wife.
00:26:56Okay?
00:26:58Your wife.
00:27:03I didn't speak for him.
00:27:04I did speak for him.
00:27:08No way we'd say we can't hear him.
00:27:08I'm waiting for him.
00:27:09Yes, sir.
00:27:10I'm waiting for him.
00:27:10I'm waiting for him.
00:27:11I'm waiting for you.
00:27:12I'm waiting for you.
00:27:21So, I'm waiting for you.
00:27:23Morning, Paul.
00:27:24Morning.
00:27:25Sleep well?
00:27:25No, I didn't.
00:27:28Sorry.
00:27:29I hope I didn't wake you coming in.
00:27:30When did you come in?
00:27:32Just after midnight.
00:27:34I had dinner with a friend at Bayswater.
00:27:35Then I drove straight down.
00:27:36You couldn't have been here around 11.
00:27:3811 last night.
00:27:39Well, of course last night.
00:27:40What the hell other night could it possibly be?
00:27:42Don't bite my head off.
00:27:43I told you not to wait up.
00:27:45I didn't wait up.
00:27:46I'm sorry.
00:27:47I'm sorry, Jane.
00:27:48I had a rather eerie experience.
00:27:52What happened?
00:27:55Probably my imagination.
00:27:57How did you get on in town?
00:28:02I got the postcard.
00:28:04Oh.
00:28:05And a puzzle.
00:28:06Oh!
00:28:08Oh, well done, you.
00:28:10Very good.
00:28:11I was imagining you were going to have to snip bits out of the postcard.
00:28:15I don't follow.
00:28:17Well, what I want you to do is assemble the jigsaw but leaving out the eyes.
00:28:22You see, I have this theory that what distinguishes a truly great self-portrait is how the eyes are painted.
00:28:29Something may or may not work.
00:28:32You may have something for the cover.
00:28:34Where's my coffee?
00:28:34Mrs. Kilbride!
00:28:36Coffee is straight ahead at 12, but Mrs. Kilbride's already left.
00:28:40What do you mean left?
00:28:42I told her to take the week off.
00:28:44You what?
00:28:45I told her to take the week off.
00:28:47Joe was sick with the flu and he had it bad, so I...
00:28:50Well, I think that's all very well, but I'm not angry, but it's just I really ought to be consulted
00:28:54before you make that sort of decision.
00:28:56I didn't want to wake you.
00:28:58Well, couldn't it have waited until I was awake?
00:29:02Are you saying that I was wrong to tell her not to come in?
00:29:05No, no, no, no.
00:29:05I'd probably have done the same thing myself.
00:29:07It's just that I...
00:29:08I might have thought twice before burning my boats.
00:29:11Our boats.
00:29:13If it's meals you're worried about, I'm happy to cook for the both of us.
00:29:17Really?
00:29:18I'm not a bad cook, you know.
00:29:20Oh.
00:29:22Oh, well.
00:29:23Well, it might be a rather nice change from Mrs. Kilbride's perennial stodge.
00:29:27Are you sure you want to cook every day for a week?
00:29:30Sure, I enjoy cooking.
00:29:33Well, thank you very much.
00:29:35Right.
00:29:36Before we start, I'd like you to make a telephone call for me, please.
00:29:40Sure.
00:29:41Where's the phone?
00:29:52Why on earth is it shut away like that?
00:29:54Well, as I told you, I hate modern gadgetry.
00:29:57I have to have a telephone, but I don't have to look at it, if you see what I mean.
00:30:01Who am I to call?
00:30:02Oh, my agent.
00:30:04We've rather lost touch over the years.
00:30:06I'd like to tell him about the book.
00:30:08His name is Andrew Bowles, and it's 020-7631-3341.
00:30:17What did I just say? What number did I give you?
00:30:22020-7631-3341.
00:30:25That's right.
00:30:26Oh, don't tell him it's me.
00:30:27I'd like it to be a surprise.
00:30:28Am I supposed to say that it is?
00:30:29Well, try not to say anything.
00:30:32Just...
00:30:32Ringing.
00:30:34Yes, Andrew Bowles, please.
00:30:39Hello, I'd like to speak with Andrew Bowles.
00:30:42He is.
00:30:44Can you tell me for how long?
00:30:47I see.
00:30:49No, no, I'll try back when he's...
00:30:51Yeah, thank you.
00:30:52Bye-bye.
00:30:56Out?
00:30:57Away.
00:30:58Bloody agents.
00:31:00Where the hell is he?
00:31:02Touring through Asia and then back through the States.
00:31:04I guess he won't be back till the end of the month.
00:31:06Ah.
00:31:06Oh, well, at least the book will have a real existence by then.
00:31:15Once a month, the gardeners arrive on the 25th,
00:31:19which leaves just two weeks, not long.
00:31:23I'm not seeing anything by then.
00:31:34Proving that with my eyes closed,
00:31:37I continue to see even if what I see...
00:31:42even if what I see...
00:31:46is nothing at all.
00:31:52Right. That'll do for now, I think.
00:31:57Are you pleased with it?
00:31:59Well, I may tear it all off at the end of the day. What?
00:32:02No, I'm joking. I'm joking. How about some coffee?
00:32:07Maybe something stronger? A glass of wine? Oh.
00:32:11A writer never drinks, Jane. That would be as dangerous as
00:32:14drinking and driving. Drinking and writing. What about Charles
00:32:18Bukowski? Charles Bukowski? Rubbish.
00:32:22Hemingway? Is that the kind of writer you think I am?
00:32:27Hardball, gussied, liquor-swinging?
00:32:32I'll make the coffee.
00:32:46Paul, you look so elegant.
00:32:48Oh, well. So few occasions to which one may rise. Do you mind?
00:32:54Oh, sorry.
00:32:56I forgot we were outside of your comfort zone.
00:32:58Ah, you're wearing heels.
00:33:00Yes. How elegant.
00:33:01What colour is your gown?
00:33:04Red. Oh, splendid.
00:33:06Chair straight ahead of 12.
00:33:08Thank you. 12. Good.
00:33:10Perhaps another log on the fire.
00:33:12One can't heat this bloody mausoleum.
00:33:14Sure.
00:33:30Careful, your plate's hot.
00:33:33Ha-ha. This is definitely not cuisine Kilbride.
00:33:38Pheasant at 12, sautéed potatoes at 3, and French beans at 8.
00:33:43Right. Thank you.
00:33:53Is this the... is this the Chambol Moussigny?
00:33:56Good.
00:33:57Hope you don't mind. You said I could raid your cellar.
00:34:00Good choice.
00:34:01Is this the 1990?
00:34:03Right again.
00:34:05To us. To us.
00:34:10No eyes, but a hell of a nose.
00:34:12Hmm.
00:34:19Now.
00:34:25Mmm. Delicious.
00:34:27Thanks. It's been a long time since I've cooked for two.
00:34:29Oh, why?
00:34:31Sorry?
00:34:33Why has it been so long since you've cooked for two?
00:34:36Well, I think... I... I live alone.
00:34:42Yes, but... but why?
00:34:43I mean, you're young, you're beautiful, so you told me.
00:34:47Why would you not want to be married?
00:34:50Does there have to be an answer to that?
00:34:52Well, I think there does.
00:34:54Well, I don't know what it is.
00:34:57Hmm?
00:34:58Ginger-like man.
00:35:00You mean am I a lesbian?
00:35:02Well, Lizzie, it makes absolutely no difference to me.
00:35:06Well, here you are, you know, in my house.
00:35:08I know nothing whatever about you.
00:35:10I may be a freak, but I'm as nosy as anyone else.
00:35:15No, Paul, I'm not a lesbian.
00:35:23You're not married. Are you a homosexual?
00:35:25No!
00:35:27Well, you asked me if I was a lesbian.
00:35:31All right.
00:35:33I still...
00:35:34I still find it difficult to believe
00:35:37that a young and beautiful woman
00:35:39would want to remain single.
00:35:42I mean, don't you want to have babies or anything?
00:35:44Can we please change the subject?
00:35:47Yes, of course.
00:35:48Yes.
00:35:50But should you ever want to talk, I'm happy to listen.
00:35:53Thank you. That's very kind of you.
00:35:57This is really extremely good.
00:36:01How's the bread sauce?
00:36:02Very good.
00:36:04Very good.
00:36:05It's quite an unusual flavour, but excellent.
00:36:18well, my house is perfect.
00:36:22Thank you so much.
00:36:23Nice and easy.
00:36:27Thanks to dinner, everyone!
00:36:31Thank you very much.
00:36:33Thank you very much.
00:36:33Thank you very much.
00:36:35I can't wait a little bit,
00:36:36I can wait a little bit,
00:36:38I can't wait a little bit.
00:36:45VINCERA VINCERA
00:36:58Jane?
00:36:59Oh, no, it's me, Sir Paul. It's Mrs Kilbride.
00:37:03Oh, hello. I thought you were having the week off.
00:37:06I know, but I forgot my sewing basket
00:37:08and I wanted to see for myself everything was running smooth like.
00:37:12Jane's a nice enough lass, I suppose,
00:37:14but I cannae see her being that handy round the house.
00:37:17So I thought I'd just pop over before either of you got up.
00:37:20I see. What time is it?
00:37:22Ah, it's just gone seven.
00:37:25Did you not hear the church clock?
00:37:27If I heard the church clock, would I be asking you what bloody time it was?
00:37:32Someone got out the bed the wrong side this morning.
00:37:35What are you doing up so early anyways?
00:37:37Long as I've known you, you'd like to lie in.
00:37:39No, I know. Just another bad night.
00:37:42You're not sleeping properly.
00:37:43No. How's Joe?
00:37:46I suppose I'm that worried. I've never seen him so peely well.
00:37:49Oh, dear, dear. I'm sure it's just a very bad bout of flu.
00:37:53Yeah.
00:37:54Is there any coffee?
00:37:56Give it time. The water's not boiling yet.
00:38:00No, it's boiling.
00:38:02I don't know what you're talking about.
00:38:04You cannae see it anyways.
00:38:05No, sorry. No, I was miles away.
00:38:08Obviously.
00:38:09Would you like something hot for breakfast?
00:38:12Scrambled eggs?
00:38:13No, no. Just toast.
00:38:16Right. There you go.
00:38:19I was remembering a little girl.
00:38:22We were bathing together somewhere on the Suffolk coast.
00:38:26While she was bathing, I was dipping my toes in the water.
00:38:31I said, it's freezing.
00:38:34And she said, no, no, it's boiling.
00:38:38Isn't that adorable?
00:38:42I said, how can it be boiling? There aren't any bubbles.
00:38:46She was too far away to hear me.
00:38:49You bathing?
00:38:51That's hard to believe.
00:38:53Huh?
00:38:53It wasn't always the gargoyle you see now.
00:38:57Gin not up yet?
00:39:00No.
00:39:02What?
00:39:03I guess I was poking around next door.
00:39:05I saw that jigsaw on the table all joint up.
00:39:08Oh.
00:39:09Oh, really? It's finished.
00:39:11Oh, good. Excellent.
00:39:13Something to do with your book, is it?
00:39:15Yes.
00:39:16I hope this is coffee.
00:39:18Eh.
00:39:19And here's your toast.
00:39:20Thank you, thank you.
00:39:22Thank you very much.
00:39:23So what's it supposed to be?
00:39:25What?
00:39:26The jigsaw.
00:39:27Well, you've got eyes, haven't you?
00:39:30I know, but what's that funny thing between them?
00:39:33Well, hazarding a guess, I'd say.
00:39:35It was your nose.
00:39:37Yes.
00:39:38Yes.
00:39:39Ha, ha, ha.
00:39:40No, I mean that funny thing in the jigsaw.
00:39:42What funny thing?
00:39:44Well, it's sort of lying on the floor between the two men.
00:39:50What two men?
00:39:58Now, look at this.
00:40:01Look at it and tell me what you see.
00:40:04Well, there's these two men.
00:40:05How are they dressed?
00:40:08Like in olden times.
00:40:11The one of them looks a bit like Henry VIII, except he's a bit thinner.
00:40:16And the other could be a priest.
00:40:18Right.
00:40:19And this thing you're talking about, what is it?
00:40:21Well, that's just it.
00:40:24I don't know, I tell you.
00:40:26It's not like anything you can get a grip on.
00:40:29It sort of looks all squashed and stretched.
00:40:36Squashed and stretched?
00:40:37Uh-huh.
00:40:39Could it be a skull?
00:40:41A skull?
00:40:42No, never.
00:40:43Are you positive?
00:40:45Absolutely.
00:40:47Take my finger and place it in the centre of the thing.
00:40:51Your finger?
00:40:52Yes, take my finger.
00:40:53That's it.
00:40:55Place it on the centre of the...
00:40:58Is it in the middle?
00:40:59Uh-huh.
00:41:00Right, now let go.
00:41:10Now, bring your eyes to where the tip of my finger is.
00:41:15Here.
00:41:15And look back at the thing.
00:41:20You there?
00:41:23Uh-huh.
00:41:24What do you see?
00:41:29Oh, my God.
00:41:30There is a skull.
00:41:34Thank you very much.
00:41:38That's...
00:41:38That's what I wanted to know.
00:41:40Thank you, Mrs. Kilbride.
00:41:55Morning, Paul.
00:41:56Morning.
00:41:58Sleep well?
00:42:00Not bad, you.
00:42:01So, so.
00:42:03I used to finding you down here before me.
00:42:05No.
00:42:06You know I'm not.
00:42:08You've been up long?
00:42:09About an hour.
00:42:10It was such a lovely morning, I thought it was silly to stay in bed.
00:42:14It's raining.
00:42:15Oh, what does that matter if you're blind?
00:42:20Must be dying for your coffee.
00:42:22I'll go put on the kettle.
00:42:23Do you want some...
00:42:25What?
00:42:27Well, there's a pot already there.
00:42:31Did you make it yourself?
00:42:32Me?
00:42:33I'm totally helpless, as you know.
00:42:35No, if you want to thank someone, thank Mrs. Kilbride.
00:42:38Mrs. Kilbride was here?
00:42:41Yes, yes.
00:42:41She said she'd forgotten her sewing basket,
00:42:44but I suspect she just wants a little snoop around.
00:42:47Displaced woman syndrome, I think.
00:42:49Did she find anything not to her liking?
00:42:51Well, I'm not sure.
00:42:52Well, we chatted about this and that, mostly about the jigsaw.
00:42:57I was going to tell you.
00:42:58Oh, really?
00:42:59What were you going to tell me?
00:43:00Well, you have to believe me.
00:43:02You deceived a blind man.
00:43:04It's a wicked thing to do, you know.
00:43:06Well, if you...
00:43:07I don't know what you expected to gain from this.
00:43:09If you would just listen to me.
00:43:11I was looking for the jigsaw.
00:43:12What, the Holbein ambassadors?
00:43:14Mrs. Kilbride told you.
00:43:15Mrs. Kilbride...
00:43:15Mrs. Kilbride does all the difference between a Holbein and a whore's arse.
00:43:18Then how'd you know?
00:43:19Because a jigsaw is in Braille.
00:43:21Didn't you know?
00:43:22I felt it with my sensitive little fingertips.
00:43:24Did you?
00:43:24Oh, don't be a silly cow.
00:43:26Paul, listen, okay?
00:43:27You were right.
00:43:28There was no Rembrandt's jigsaw at the National Gallery.
00:43:31So, I don't know why, but I bought the Holbein instead.
00:43:34But I had no intention of passing it off as a Rembrandt.
00:43:37But then I came home and I told you I got a jigsaw.
00:43:40And you thought it was the Rembrandt.
00:43:42And so I didn't have the heart to tell you otherwise we could...
00:43:44But I asked you.
00:43:45I asked you what it was like without the eyes.
00:43:49And you said that it was dramatic, but it diminished the painting.
00:43:53And I wrote about that.
00:43:54I wrote about it.
00:43:56I know.
00:43:56I'm sorry.
00:43:57I'm so sorry.
00:43:58I didn't know what else to do.
00:43:59And it was stupid of me, okay?
00:44:01It was stupid, stupid, stupid.
00:44:03But I was just trying to please you.
00:44:14I'm at a loss.
00:44:22You want me to leave?
00:44:28Then you do want me to go.
00:44:34Wait, wait, wait.
00:44:40Can I trust you, Jane?
00:44:42Paul, I...
00:44:43Can I trust you never, never to humiliate me like that again?
00:44:50It was never my intention, I assure you.
00:45:00Look me in the eye.
00:45:03And tell me that I can trust you.
00:45:08You can trust me.
00:45:13Again.
00:45:14You can trust me.
00:45:26All right.
00:45:28One more thing.
00:45:30Get rid of the jigsaw.
00:45:32Right.
00:45:32Not just from the table, but out!
00:45:34Out the house!
00:45:35Hmm?
00:45:37Yeah.
00:45:38I'll never mention it again.
00:45:39I won't forget it, but I'll never mention it again.
00:45:42Hello, thank you.
00:46:31Oh, God.
00:46:33No.
00:46:34No, no.
00:46:35No, no.
00:46:36Help.
00:46:39No.
00:46:40No.
00:46:41Just.
00:46:43No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
00:46:52No.
00:46:56Oh, God help.
00:47:20What's that tele-racket?
00:47:23Jane?
00:47:24Jane?
00:47:25Jane?
00:47:26Oh, sorry, what?
00:47:28Sorry, what's that excruciating noise?
00:47:30Did you turn it off?
00:47:32Yes.
00:47:33Sorry.
00:47:34Right.
00:47:35Wait, where's it coming from?
00:47:37Oh, I bought a little portable radio, didn't I tell you?
00:47:40No.
00:47:41Well, I didn't.
00:47:42Does it have to be so excruciatingly loud?
00:47:44I'm sorry, I thought you were in the bath.
00:47:46No.
00:47:48What was it?
00:47:50Madonna, she's a singer.
00:47:52I know who Madonna is.
00:47:53Not a dinosaur.
00:47:55I actually once met the woman.
00:47:57Some grizzly do at Buckingham Palace.
00:47:59You two hit it off?
00:48:01Well, you could say our meeting was a semi-success.
00:48:03She hung on my every other word.
00:48:07This time I don't hear you smile.
00:48:09I'm sorry, I'm just trying to get my head around the idea of you and Madonna together.
00:48:12It's kind of a mind-boggler.
00:48:14Ah, yes.
00:48:15Would you like to pour the hem of my garment?
00:48:17No, thank you.
00:48:18Just the same.
00:48:19Would you like some coffee?
00:48:20Please.
00:48:23Well, you must have been quite shocked to hear about her death.
00:48:27Who's death?
00:48:29Madonna's.
00:48:31Madonna's dead?
00:48:33Oh, you didn't know, did you?
00:48:35No, of course I obviously didn't know.
00:48:37What did she die of?
00:48:38She was murdered.
00:48:40Murdered?
00:48:42Of course you wouldn't have heard about it.
00:48:43Yeah, it happened just like a year ago.
00:48:46She was gunned down by some druggie outside the Groucho Club.
00:48:50It was front page news.
00:48:52Well, I don't see the front, or indeed any other page.
00:48:57Madonna dead, my God.
00:48:59I'm really rather sorry in a strange sort of way.
00:49:01You were a fan?
00:49:02Don't be grotesque.
00:49:04It's just that I didn't know, and that makes me feel stupid.
00:49:07And I refuse to believe that a blind man has to be stupid.
00:49:11Well, if you're afraid of feeling out of touch, I'm happy to read the paper to you.
00:49:14Really?
00:49:15Do you have one?
00:49:16Yeah, sure.
00:49:17Then read it.
00:49:18Now?
00:49:19No, no.
00:49:19The headlines.
00:49:21There's been an atrocity in Baghdad.
00:49:24It would be news if there wasn't an atrocity in Baghdad.
00:49:28O.J. Simpson committed suicide.
00:49:31Good riddance.
00:49:31Next.
00:49:36Donald Trump has become Muslim.
00:49:38Never heard of it.
00:49:39Next.
00:49:43Princess Diana was sighted in Bhutan.
00:49:47What?
00:49:47Princess Diana was sighted in Bhutan.
00:49:50Now, can you?
00:49:52No.
00:49:52Apparently, a group of American tourists spotted Princess Diana hovering over a temple in Bhutan,
00:50:00her hands cupped together in prayer.
00:50:03She graciously smiled and then slowly drifted away.
00:50:08That's what it says.
00:50:10What an utter tripe.
00:50:12What a complete fucking garbage.
00:50:15Well, if that's what they think is fit to print, I'm almost glad I'm blind.
00:50:19Maybe not.
00:50:24Hold on, Paul.
00:50:31Hello?
00:50:33Oh, long time no see.
00:50:35Who is it?
00:50:36It's Mrs. Kilbride.
00:50:38Not too bad considering.
00:50:40And you?
00:50:40When do we get you back?
00:50:43Oh.
00:50:45Oh.
00:50:45Well, I see.
00:50:46How is he?
00:50:49Oh.
00:50:50No, no, no, no, no, Mrs. Kilbride.
00:50:52I'm so sorry to hear that, but you, if you have to stay with Joe as long as possible.
00:50:58Say anything I can do?
00:51:00That was Sir Paul.
00:51:01Did you hear that?
00:51:03Yes, of course, Mrs. Kilbride.
00:51:05No.
00:51:05Don't worry about it.
00:51:06We'll speak when you have time.
00:51:08Give Joe my very best.
00:51:10And mine.
00:51:11That was Sir Paul.
00:51:12Yes.
00:51:13Okay.
00:51:14Bye-bye.
00:51:17Is this serious?
00:51:19She's afraid it might be lung cancer.
00:51:21Oh, my God.
00:51:23Well, Joe, you know, he's a 60-a-day man.
00:51:30I realize this means we're going to be on our own for longer than we expected.
00:51:34Yeah.
00:51:35Well, are you all right for the cooking?
00:51:37Well, it hasn't interfered so far, has it?
00:51:39No, no, no, indeed.
00:51:41God knows, God knows what I'd do if you weren't here.
00:51:47But I am here, Paul.
00:51:50Yes.
00:51:52Yes, you are.
00:51:55I really feel quite sorry for Mrs. Kilbride.
00:51:59But now that means I have the freedom of the whole house.
00:52:34Who is it?
00:52:36Uh, oh, I'm from the Conservative Party Association.
00:52:39Never seen a blind man before?
00:52:41Oh, yes, lots.
00:52:42Lots.
00:52:43Oh, I don't know why I said that.
00:52:44All right, come to the point.
00:52:45Uh, oh, well, I'm from the Conservative Party Association and, uh, we're having a by-election
00:52:51in a few days and I just want you to count on yours.
00:52:52What do you mean?
00:52:52You dragged me all the way to the door to tell me of some wretched by-election?
00:52:55Oh, I'm so sorry, yes, sir.
00:52:57Obviously, I really didn't realize the situation.
00:52:59All right.
00:52:59Oh, wait, wait, wait.
00:53:00There's something you can do for me.
00:53:02Yes, I can't.
00:53:03Come in.
00:53:03I'm going to catch my death standing again.
00:53:05Oh, well, I'd love to.
00:53:06Come in.
00:53:06Close the door.
00:53:08Just for a few minutes, then.
00:53:09Yes, of course, absolutely.
00:53:11I can't stay.
00:53:11Yes, this way, please.
00:53:17Do come in.
00:53:20Please close the door.
00:53:25Oh, this is a lovely room.
00:53:27Yes, this is where I work.
00:53:28We call this the library.
00:53:30It's lovely.
00:53:31I work here with my amanuensis.
00:53:34Excuse me.
00:53:42Now, tell me, this conservative party of yours.
00:53:46Yes.
00:53:47Do they have computers?
00:53:49Oh, yes.
00:53:50Oh, good.
00:53:51Good.
00:53:52Do you see this computer here?
00:53:54Yes.
00:53:55Do you know how to operate it?
00:53:58Well, I think so.
00:53:59It's not the same model as the ones we use.
00:54:02But you can operate it.
00:54:03Yes, yes, of course.
00:54:05Go.
00:54:05What exactly is it you want of me?
00:54:07Well, what I'd like...
00:54:10I'm sorry.
00:54:11What is the perfume you're wearing?
00:54:13Oh, it's called Spectacular by Joan Collins.
00:54:18Ah.
00:54:18It has a pungent fragrance of micturation to it.
00:54:22You can look it up when you get home.
00:54:24Now, this computer, can you switch it on?
00:54:27Oh, just switch it on?
00:54:29Yes, I'm alone in the house, you see.
00:54:32So you'll be doing me a great favour.
00:54:33Well, you want it on now?
00:54:33Now would be excellent.
00:54:35Well, I presume it's all plugged in.
00:54:37Yes, it seems to be.
00:54:39It ought to just switch on here.
00:54:44Yes, yes, that's it.
00:54:45It's on.
00:54:46Yes, on.
00:54:47Good.
00:54:47And so I'm going to be on my way.
00:54:49Oh, one more thing, if I may.
00:54:50Ah!
00:54:51Excuse me, excuse me.
00:54:52You're hurting me.
00:54:53I'm so sorry.
00:54:54I'm so sorry.
00:54:55I do apologise.
00:54:56It was not my intention.
00:54:57All right.
00:54:58Please sit down.
00:54:59You know, I'm terribly busy.
00:55:01For the merest of moments, please.
00:55:04I'd be so grateful.
00:55:06Oh.
00:55:06Can't be for long.
00:55:10What do you see?
00:55:12What?
00:55:12On the screen.
00:55:13What's on the screen?
00:55:15Um, just a list of documents.
00:55:18Is there one called book?
00:55:20Yes.
00:55:22Would you open it, please?
00:55:24Ah.
00:55:25Well, you know, I really feel that I...
00:55:26Please, please.
00:55:27There's nothing to fear.
00:55:27It's just not pornographic or anything.
00:55:30Please.
00:55:34Yes, it's open.
00:55:36Would you read it, please?
00:55:38What, all of it?
00:55:39No, no.
00:55:40Just the first few lines.
00:55:41What?
00:55:44I am blind.
00:55:46I have no sight.
00:55:48Equally, I have no eyes.
00:55:51I am thus a...
00:55:52Freak.
00:55:53Please don't be embarrassed.
00:55:55A freak.
00:55:57Um...
00:55:58I am thus a freak.
00:56:00For blindness is freakish.
00:56:03Is surreal.
00:56:04Is surreal.
00:56:06That's enough.
00:56:07Well, glad to have been...
00:56:09Everything seems to be in order.
00:56:11Sorry?
00:56:12No, no, nothing.
00:56:12A nagging anxiety.
00:56:15Would you mind switching it off?
00:56:16No.
00:56:17Thank you very much.
00:56:18You've read it very nicely.
00:56:19Oh, thank you.
00:56:20Can I go now?
00:56:21Of course.
00:56:21I mean, I have a lot of other constituents to see and...
00:56:24Certainly.
00:56:24Yes.
00:56:25I take it you are a conservative?
00:56:28Er, I've never voted in my life.
00:56:30Oh, really?
00:56:31I think you might have told me before.
00:56:34You've done a blind man a very good turn.
00:56:36Well, we're not the go guides, you know.
00:56:37Oh, yes, you are.
00:56:38So I can't count on your vote, then?
00:56:40Absolutely not.
00:56:41Oh!
00:56:42Oh!
00:56:42Ow!
00:56:43Oh, I'm so sorry.
00:56:43I'm so sorry.
00:56:44I'm so sorry.
00:56:46Um...
00:56:47Madonna...
00:56:48was murdered, wasn't she?
00:56:50Who?
00:56:51Madonna.
00:56:53The woman whose photo's always in the paper?
00:56:55Well, I'm hardly lucky to know that, am I?
00:57:00But she was murdered, wasn't she?
00:57:02Er...
00:57:03Yes.
00:57:04Yes, yes.
00:57:05And O.J. Simpson committed suicide?
00:57:07Er...
00:57:08Absolutely.
00:57:09Absolutely.
00:57:10Oh, don't worry.
00:57:12It's really, er...
00:57:15Thank you so much.
00:57:16Er, what about Donald Trump?
00:57:19Is it true that he became a Muslim?
00:57:22What was it before?
00:57:26Roman Catholic or was it one of these Scientologists or something?
00:57:30Ah!
00:57:30Stupid cub!
00:57:55Oh!
00:57:57Bastard!
00:57:58Fucking bastard!
00:58:00Fucking, fucking bastard!
00:58:06Bloody wooden bastard!
00:58:10What happened?
00:58:11Oh, this stupid bloody latch thing doesn't work.
00:58:15This thing swings open and I walk into it.
00:58:18Bloody.
00:58:20Has it happened a lot?
00:58:22Oh, a few times.
00:58:24You're crazy.
00:58:25What?
00:58:26You're crazy not to have it repaired.
00:58:28Something like that I could fix in about ten minutes.
00:58:31Really?
00:58:32Yeah.
00:58:33You want me to?
00:58:34Yeah, well, why don't you, yeah?
00:58:35That's very sweet of you.
00:58:37Okay.
00:58:39Ready to get to work?
00:58:40Yes, today we're going to go on a bit of a jaunt.
00:58:42Oxford.
00:58:44Any particular part of Oxford?
00:58:46Yes, Hartford, my old college.
00:58:48Wrecky for the book.
00:58:48So you're finally ready to start dealing with the past.
00:58:52Yes, why do you ask?
00:58:54No particular reason.
00:58:56Let me know when you want to start.
00:58:57Alright.
00:59:12Lost it.
00:59:32Sir, this is my old college.
00:59:34Haven't been here for 40 years.
00:59:36Have they torn it down and put up a plastic one?
00:59:39No.
00:59:40It's only good.
00:59:41Alright, onward to our very own bridge of size, which should be here somewhere.
00:59:48Oh, in the other corner?
00:59:50Yes, curb.
00:59:51Curb?
00:59:51Mm-hmm.
00:59:52Where?
00:59:53To the left.
00:59:54Oh, I see.
00:59:55Alright.
00:59:56Alright, now, in the middle of this bridge, there should be a coat of arms of some kind.
01:00:03You see?
01:00:04Can you describe it?
01:00:06There's two cherubs holding aloft a crest, stags surrounded by stars, two other stags' heads,
01:00:13and a crown on top.
01:00:15Alright.
01:00:16Well, it's vaguely what I remember, I suppose.
01:00:18Alright, now, next door...
01:00:20Next door.
01:00:22Yes.
01:00:23Next door, there should be a...
01:00:29Is that a child?
01:00:30Yes.
01:00:31A little girl?
01:00:32Mm-hmm.
01:00:32Ah, nice.
01:00:33What is she wearing?
01:00:35A big woolly coat and a pink hat.
01:00:38With a bobble?
01:00:39Yes.
01:00:40Oh, good.
01:00:40Lovely.
01:00:42Mittens?
01:00:43Yes.
01:00:44Why?
01:00:45No, I just think it's very sweet.
01:00:46Mittens dangling down under their sleeves.
01:00:49And now, this house...
01:00:51There's a few of them.
01:00:53I dare say.
01:00:54Um, this one was lived in by someone famous.
01:00:58Um...
01:00:59Someone...
01:00:59Someone...
01:01:00No, Halley.
01:01:01Halley.
01:01:02Halley of Comet fame.
01:01:03Are we here?
01:01:04Yes.
01:01:04Yes.
01:01:05I might have discovered Halley's Comet, but it's dedicated to a James Watt.
01:01:09James Watt?
01:01:10Inventor of the steam engine.
01:01:12But Watt was a Scott.
01:01:14So what?
01:01:15I...
01:01:15Are you sure?
01:01:16It's squat.
01:01:16Sorry, Paul.
01:01:17No, no, no.
01:01:19It's not really that important.
01:01:20Oh, never mind.
01:01:21Never mind what?
01:01:26Paul?
01:01:27Paul, are you awake?
01:01:29Yes.
01:01:30What is it?
01:01:31Going shopping.
01:01:32You need anything?
01:01:33No, no.
01:01:34See you later.
01:01:36Okay.
01:01:37He still seems uneasy about Oxford.
01:01:41Something tells me it's now or never.
01:01:42I'll be with you later.
01:02:15Stupid fucking bitch.
01:02:19Stupid fucking bitch.
01:03:00Stupid fucking bitch.
01:03:20Stupid fucking bitch.
01:03:23Stupid fucking bitch.
01:03:24Stupid fucking bitch.
01:03:27I've done this before so just bloody well get all this wrong.
01:03:316, 3, 1, 3, 3, 4, 1.
01:03:39Aha.
01:03:42Mr. Bowles, say, Patrischi.
01:03:44Andrew Bowles, please.
01:03:46What is the matter regarding?
01:03:49It's personal.
01:03:50Just put me through, please.
01:03:52I'm sorry, caller, but I'm afraid I'll have you.
01:03:54I can assure you that Andrew will want to speak to me if you just put me through. Thank you.
01:04:01Nevertheless, before I can disturb Mr. Bowles, I have to know...
01:04:04As I have said, Mr. Bowles will take the call. He knows me. Now just please, madam, stop fucking about.
01:04:13Who shall I say is calling?
01:04:15It is none of your fucking business who's calling. Just put me bloody well through.
01:04:20Hold the line, please, caller.
01:04:24Hello, Andrew.
01:04:25Good lord, it is you.
01:04:28Paul, how are you?
01:04:32I really can't believe it's you.
01:04:34And you haven't changed a bit, you old devil.
01:04:36I'm sure you'd like to know I have one extremely distraught secretary on my hands.
01:04:40Oh, why? I was nothing more than my sweet, reasonable self.
01:04:43Yeah, I bet.
01:04:45Anyway, the important thing is here you are after all these years.
01:04:48I can't quite get over it.
01:04:50It has been a long time, Andrew.
01:04:52Paul, I did try to contact you.
01:04:54I hope you know that.
01:04:55I mean, I tried to call you several times even just after...
01:04:58Yes, of course, I do know.
01:04:59And I'm sorry I didn't take that call.
01:05:02But, um, well, you can imagine.
01:05:04Of course I can imagine.
01:05:06But I want you to know that I have thought about you a lot these last four years.
01:05:10Thank you, I appreciate it.
01:05:12And Susan's dying to see you again.
01:05:14Well, she may think she's dying to see me, but I'm not a Britishite.
01:05:17You never were, old boy.
01:05:21Listen, I don't suppose that the reason you're calling this is because there's another book in the public?
01:05:26Actually, yes, I am. My autobiography.
01:05:30Well, that's marvellous news.
01:05:31Well, don't get too carried away. I've only just started it.
01:05:35Well, you've already started it.
01:05:36Of course.
01:05:37Paul, I'm hurt.
01:05:40Oh, come on.
01:05:41No, no, really, I am hurt.
01:05:43I mean, why is it only now that I am hearing about this new masterpiece?
01:05:47Well, I did try to call you about three weeks ago.
01:05:50So why didn't we talk to you?
01:05:51Well, you were away.
01:05:53What? Out of the office?
01:05:55No, out of the country.
01:05:56I mean, I haven't been out of the country since the Frankfurt Book Fair last year.
01:06:00Oh, really?
01:06:01What about your trip to Asia?
01:06:04Paul, I have never been to Asia.
01:06:07What?
01:06:07Never.
01:06:10Paul.
01:06:12What is it?
01:06:14Paul, what's that sound I'm hearing?
01:06:16It's the sound of scales falling from my sockets.
01:06:20Scales?
01:06:23I'm going to go now, Andrew.
01:06:25Look, Paul, what's going on?
01:06:26I mean, suddenly you seem...
01:06:27I'm going now, Andrew.
01:06:29Don't call me.
01:06:29I'll call you.
01:06:30Paul, wait.
01:06:31Goodbye.
01:06:32Goodbye.
01:06:51Goodbye.
01:06:52Goodbye.
01:07:23Goodbye.
01:07:34Goodbye.
01:07:35Goodbye.
01:08:05Goodbye.
01:08:10You get what you wanted?
01:08:13Eventually.
01:08:15Did you bump into that wardrobe again?
01:08:17Yes, I bloody well did.
01:08:19I can't imagine how it came to be open.
01:08:23Want a cup of coffee?
01:08:24Not unless you're having one.
01:08:26I got one in Chipping Camden.
01:08:28Ah, Chipping Camden.
01:08:32Something the matter, Paul?
01:08:37Who are you?
01:08:40Why do you ask?
01:08:42Well, I spoke to Andrew.
01:08:44Who?
01:08:44Andrew, my agent, remember?
01:08:46It seems he never quite got to Asia.
01:08:50Have you told him all about me?
01:08:52No, no, I didn't actually. I could have, but I wanted to know what this was all about.
01:08:59It makes me feel sick.
01:09:01What does?
01:09:03That I feel sorry for you.
01:09:06Do you? Why?
01:09:07Because now you truly are blind.
01:09:10What?
01:09:11Make yourself at home, Jane.
01:09:13Don't forget the semi-calling, Jane.
01:09:15I can hear you smile, Jane.
01:09:17Who the fuck do you think you are, huh?
01:09:19Oh!
01:09:20God!
01:09:21God!
01:09:21God, what the hell?
01:09:22Shut up!
01:09:23God, I can't fucking stand the sound of your voice.
01:09:26If you swear as you say another word, I will stick my fingers down your throat and rip it out!
01:09:31Jane.
01:09:54Who the hell are you?
01:09:57Jane Ryder.
01:09:59Renone.
01:10:02Mrs. Ralph Rinald. Remember Ralph?
01:10:07Killed himself?
01:10:12You do remember.
01:10:14Somehow I didn't think that you would.
01:10:17Of course, you've destroyed a lot of careers in your life, but not so many lives, right?
01:10:23I mean, you haven't actually left a trail of corpses behind you, have you?
01:10:29No.
01:10:29I think Ralph was special.
01:10:35That's probably what you hated about him the most.
01:10:38I mean, what an incredible honor it was for him to have his first major show at such a young
01:10:44age at Tate Gallery.
01:10:47Genius, surreal, disturbing.
01:10:51You compared him to Baltus, Magritte.
01:10:54All the critics loved him, except for you, of course.
01:10:59Then again, you hated everybody.
01:11:02For you, the history of art ended with Rembrandt.
01:11:07I told Ralph, a good review from you would have been the case of death.
01:11:11No, no, just stop it.
01:11:12Are you deaf as well as blind?
01:11:14I told you.
01:11:14Shut up.
01:11:16Why wasn't it enough for you to just destroy his career?
01:11:21Why did you have to destroy him?
01:11:24Do you remember what you wrote?
01:11:26No.
01:11:27No.
01:11:27Child abuse by proxy.
01:11:29I absolutely did.
01:11:30I absolutely did not.
01:11:31You might not have used those libelous words, but that's exactly what you insinuated, that he painted little girls because
01:11:36he couldn't fuck them.
01:11:37No, that's absolutely outrageous.
01:11:39Shut up.
01:11:40Did you know the police came and questioned Ralph?
01:11:43What?
01:11:43They confiscated his computer because they were looking for kiddie porn.
01:11:47I can't be responsible.
01:11:48My beautiful.
01:11:49Brooke and Ralph killed himself because of a review that took you, what, ten minutes to write?
01:11:55What?
01:11:57And then you moved on.
01:12:00But I couldn't.
01:12:02I read your books.
01:12:03I watched you on TV.
01:12:06I read all of your columns in the paper.
01:12:10You were a star, Paul.
01:12:12A national treasure.
01:12:14And then one day I read famous art critic in car accident.
01:12:18And you know what's so strange?
01:12:19You'd think that I would have been thrilled, right?
01:12:22But it wasn't what I called revenge.
01:12:23It might have been good enough for God, but it wasn't good enough for me.
01:12:27Except for you vanished.
01:12:28I couldn't find you.
01:12:29I didn't know where you were or what you were doing.
01:12:31You disappeared until I saw your ad in the Times.
01:12:34And then I realized that somehow I had to destroy you, Paul, the way you destroyed Ralph.
01:12:39I did a terrible thing to you, which can't be undone.
01:12:42But I'm a wealthy man.
01:12:43I'm a wealthy man.
01:12:48I'm just curious, you know.
01:12:51Your mouth is covered and you have no eyes, but I can still see fear in your face.
01:12:58And one day I realized this wardrobe.
01:13:03You walked into it today.
01:13:04You've walked into it before.
01:13:05Even Mrs. Kilbride knows about your wardrobe door.
01:13:08And you walked into it for one of those silly silk ties that you always wear.
01:13:12No.
01:13:12And you got locked in, Paul.
01:13:15And I was in London.
01:13:16It was my weekend off.
01:13:17And you were locked in like you'd be locked in the pages of a closed book.
01:13:20Ah!
01:13:23Help!
01:13:25Ah!
01:13:27Ah!
01:13:28Ah!
01:13:28Ah!
01:13:30Ah!
01:13:32Ah!
01:13:33Ah!
01:13:34Ah!
01:13:36Ah!
01:13:39Ah!
01:13:44Ah!
01:13:47Ah!
01:13:48Ah!
01:13:55Ah!
01:14:24BIRDS CHIRP
01:14:54BIRDS CHIRP
01:14:58BIRDS CHIRP
01:15:00BIRDS CHIRP
01:15:01BIRDS CHIRP
01:15:21Oh, my God.
01:15:45Oh, my God.
01:16:10Oh, my God.
01:16:39Oh, my God.
01:16:53Oh, my God.
01:16:54Don't...
01:16:55Oh.
01:16:58It's loaded.
01:17:24Oh, my God.
01:17:28Jenny kissed me when we met.
01:17:31Jumping from the chair she sat in...
01:17:34Time you thief who love to get sweets into your list, put that in.
01:17:39Hmm.
01:17:41Finish it. Go on.
01:17:44Say I'm weary.
01:17:45Say I'm sad.
01:17:47Say that health and wealth have missed me.
01:17:50Say I'm growing old.
01:17:53But Jenny kissed me.
01:17:59Interesting choice.
01:18:01How'd you get up?
01:18:03It's quite a funny story, actually.
01:18:06I'm terribly upset after I spoke to Andrew, my agent, that I slipped the phone into my pocket without realizing
01:18:14it.
01:18:14I heard you screaming.
01:18:16Oh, yes, no, I screamed and screamed, yes.
01:18:20Yes, a claustrophobic man locked inside a small dark space.
01:18:24Beyond terror.
01:18:25So I screamed, yes, and banged and clawed my fingers, but I noticed there was something in my pocket.
01:18:36It was the phone.
01:18:37It was there all the time.
01:18:41So I called Mrs. Kilbride.
01:18:43I told her I locked myself in and she came right over.
01:18:46You told her you locked yourself in?
01:18:49Oh, yes.
01:18:50No, I didn't give you away, Jane.
01:18:53Why?
01:18:55Why did you come back so soon?
01:18:57I just, I couldn't...
01:18:59Well, fancied yourself as a killer, but you ain't got it, right?
01:19:07Jane, I should never have written that review.
01:19:12Not because it was untrue.
01:19:14Because it was true.
01:19:15What?
01:19:16No, you know it was true.
01:19:17Don't deny it, Jane.
01:19:18Don't deny it.
01:19:19No!
01:19:20Jane, you knew him.
01:19:22You loved him.
01:19:23You knew it was true.
01:19:24No!
01:19:26Nobody, nobody kills himself because of a bad review.
01:19:30Not even one of them.
01:19:31That review ruined our lives.
01:19:33Oh, yes.
01:19:34I know the police came around and God knows what your friends must have thought,
01:19:37but he didn't kill himself for that reason either.
01:19:40He killed himself because he knew I was right.
01:19:42No!
01:19:43No!
01:19:43He saw something in his paintings that wouldn't acknowledge it until I'd pointed it out.
01:19:49No!
01:19:49He knew it was there and you knew it too.
01:19:52That's total fucking bullshit!
01:19:54It's not bullshit, Jane.
01:19:55Yes!
01:19:56Jane, you knew it was there.
01:19:59Why don't you admit it to yourself?
01:20:00What are you going to do?
01:20:01Be burdened by this for the rest of your life?
01:20:03Just admit to it!
01:20:05You knew it was there!
01:20:07You knew it was there!
01:20:21Ralph committed suicide because he couldn't stand the truth about himself.
01:20:30Any more than I could stand the truth about me.
01:20:35No, you were right.
01:20:42It wasn't just Ralph's secret that I saw in his paintings.
01:20:46It was mine too.
01:20:53It wasn't an accident.
01:21:00Well, I hope it wasn't, but actually I have no memory of it at all.
01:21:25Look at me, Jane.
01:21:28I mean, kill me if you like.
01:21:30I really don't care.
01:21:33But am I worth the trouble?
01:22:05No, I swear to God.
01:22:20No, you're not.
01:22:20No, I don't care to him.
01:22:21It's the help of his wife, Jane.
01:22:21I'll go for her.
01:22:21I'll go for her.
01:22:22Oh, no, you're not!
01:22:31Oh, my God.
01:23:19Oh, my God.
01:23:22Oh, my God.
01:23:52Oh, my God.
01:24:22Oh, my God.
01:24:52Oh, my God.
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