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Vicky.Pattison.Maybe.Baby.S01E01
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00:03I'm Vicki Patterson. I'm 38 years old and nearly two years ago I married the
00:12man of my dreams. Twice in fact. I do. Now I'm facing the biggest question of me
00:20life. You would be a gorgeous man. Should we start a family? Do you want to have?
00:25Yeah. She's a natural. I'm in my late 30s. Here we have your embers and eggs. Can I just
00:31take a picture? So it feels like a now or never conversation. I'm at this crossroads and I
00:38don't necessarily know what to do. My body clock is ticking. I got you! And loudly. I think
00:45we should try on that street tonight. The truth is I don't know if I want kids. I really worry
00:51that I'm not capable of being a very good mom with PMDD and it's getting us down. And
00:57I've finally got the career I've worked my whole life for. So do I really want to give
01:04that up? Something we'll have to give if you're going to have a baby. But then what happens
01:09if I don't? We can just be cool aunties and uncles. I could do that. Erkan and I have given
01:15ourselves six months. The destination is baby. You're there. You've arrived. To explore
01:20every avenue. My daughter has made my life and completed my life. All of that is so lovely.
01:26I'm so sorry. And to say once and for all. What is wrong with you? If we're destined to become
01:33parents or not. Everybody's crying, Erkan! This is when we shouldn't be kids. Come on there,
01:59babies. I am a proper proud dog, ma'am. The way I feel about them lads is unhealthy. I honestly
02:07don't think I could love anything more than I love these two. And people get so angry when I say
02:12like, oh, they're my kids and blah, blah, blah. They just don't understand. Nah, no. People will say
02:17that haven't got dogs. I know. But then I suppose we haven't got kids. We haven't got kids. Do we?
02:22No.
02:22Dogs are harder than kids. Yeah. Sometimes, right? Sometimes I look at my gorgeous little life now
02:30with the dogs and the little staycations we do. And I think, I do like me life now. Yeah,
02:36it is nice. Imagine adding a kid on top of two Labradors. I know. And it's like,
02:40do you want to rock that boat? And they're no bother now, you know. We've got the life lovely.
02:44That's why I do it all. That's why. Yeah, to be fair, they are no bother for me. You haven't
02:50walked them on your own since the day we got them? I can't. They're too strong. It's like
02:54I'm water skiing. I think the way things have worked out, obviously with me being so busy,
03:01you've ended up being... More at home. Yeah, the main dog parent. And I don't see that changing
03:11when we have kids. I think you'd end up being, like, the default parent, so to speak. Yeah,
03:16that's one of the main reasons why I'm scared. It's taken us a really long time to change people's
03:23opinion of me and get to a place where, like, I like myself and I love the work I'm getting
03:29and I'm happy with me life. And the thought that now I'm going to have to take a step back,
03:35it is, it's quite scary.
03:47This isn't going to be an easy decision for what to make. But before anything else, I
03:52need to weigh up the good and the bad of parent life and decide if it's really for us. And
03:57one man who will tell it to us straight is Fern McCann.
04:02There she is. Let's go get the dog.
04:06We both started out in reality TV and we met and became friends on I'm a Celeb and I've
04:11got a lot of love and a lot of time for her.
04:25I'm really proud of how she manages to juggle her career and her family and sort of make
04:32it look easy. Can you say Vicky? She's been saying it. Yeah. You're so smart. She's so cute.
04:40Finty is cuter than a bunny in a bow tie. Seeing her makes my ovaries ache.
04:47Did you feel like, mate, when you were chocker and, like, he had everyone everywhere and the
04:51telly and, like, all your other projects and stuff, it was really hard to be a present
04:54mum? Yeah. It's hard now and I'm doing this. Yeah.
04:58I cannot tell you how many times I've messaged my agent saying, but I need to sort childcare.
05:03I do have a nanny now three days a week because, Vic, I couldn't sustain it anymore. It's that
05:09you can do it all. I don't believe you can, but you can do an awful lot. But when they're
05:12a baby, they're so portable. So you could just bring them along. Like, with Sundays, she used
05:16to come to this morning. She used to come on shoots with me. Like, you can bring... And
05:20you're in the industry where you can. Yeah.
05:23I've spent a lot of time focusing on how my career would get in the way of me starting
05:28a family. But what I've neglected to think is that I'm actually in a really privileged
05:33position. My job can be flexible. I can call the shots. Sometimes I can choose to take a
05:40step back. You won't be able to be doing what you're doing now. Like, I'm watching your Insta
05:44stories and I'm filling in the gaps. That's only what you see online. It's the podcast. It's...
05:50What else do you... What else? Just radio, reality show. There's nothing you don't do.
05:55I know. You're left... Something we'll have to give if you're going to have a baby. I said
06:00to you, when you just met her, can have a baby. Do you remember? Do it, babe. I was like,
06:06I'm thinking about freezing my eggs. I was like, just have one. Like, just do it. Solid
06:10advice. No, no. Yeah. Don't take my advice. For goodness sake. Yeah. Well, I'm pleased with
06:16Rose with eggs, mate. I am. Because it's given us, like, that little bit of, I suppose,
06:21was cushioned. Like, I'm 38 this year. Because you know what it's like? You take a couple
06:25of months off or whatever and there's someone else. Oh, my God. Trust me, I know. No, I don't.
06:30We all live in fear of it. Yeah. But also as well, mate, there's this thing where, like,
06:33we really like our life. Yes. Okay. Two dogs. So you're not even... So you're not sure?
06:38You're on the fence? Really on the fence, mate. Everything that I've ever done, having my kids
06:44was and is the best thing. Like, they bring so much. Yeah, you can see. So much. I don't like
06:51this term because I feel like it puts loads of pressure on women, but I do feel like you're
06:54just a natural man. Sometimes I wonder I don't have that. Okay. Babe, you will. You will.
07:01But listen, you're doing the nap time. I don't feel like I should be responsible for this.
07:09It's me going to sweat from behind the knees. When you see a nap time, will she just tell
07:13me she's tired? No, she's not going to. She'll be up. She'd, like, if you didn't put her down,
07:21she'll just be partying and playing and, yeah, loving life. And we don't want that. No, she's
07:26got to go down for the nap. This feels above my peer grid. No, right. Listen, you're absolutely
07:32made for this. What did you say? I done poo. Oh, perfect. She's done a poo. I think you
07:38should do it. Don't smudge it in. Because Aunty Vicky's going to change your poo-y
07:42bum. I'm absolutely fine with picking up dog poo. And honestly, with my two lads, they're
07:49practically horses. They're absolutely massive. And I will do that every day of the week.
07:54it doesn't faze us at all. All right, hold your eyes. No, I can't do it. It's no judgment.
08:04I'm so sorry. Oh, my God. Sweet one. Yeah. There is something about children's poo that makes
08:12me feel ill. And I know that is so bad. Stink. You absolutely stink, baby. Stink. You're
08:20stinking. Your thought of changing a nappy makes me heart beat like I'm being hunted for
08:24sport. In the bum-bums. Where's your pants? I've got your pants. I'll get your trousers
08:29back on. Right, you could do five minutes of play and then I'd lay her down. I think she'll
08:35be good as gold for you. I've got a feeling. You've got about five minutes of winding down
08:40play. What does that look like? Not that. Okay. Don't forget she's got to go to sleep within
08:4815 minutes. 15 minutes. I've got it. Right. We'll be fine.
08:54Verna's just left and she made the process sound like really straightforward but I reckon
08:59I can still probably find a way to fuck it up. Where is the burn? So Finney's outside
09:03now and I'm meant to be putting her to bed almost like with immediate effects and she doesn't
09:10seem to give a shit. She's picking up bark and leaves. I think I've got to make up quite
09:17firm in this scenario. Firm strikes me as somebody who has a schedule and wants to keep it and
09:22I'm not going to take the piss. So I've never been less confident in my life. I'm really
09:26out in comfort zone. You got some more? Oh, I don't think this is quite what your ma had
09:32in mind with that lovely outfit. How have you been, pet? This feels like you're going to slip
09:37and I'm going to get the blame. Tina-mat. Tina-mat. Tina-mat. Tina-go-go nap-naps.
09:43You want to come nap-naps with me? Yeah. Yeah, that's my pretty girl. Come on then, baby.
09:49Oh, I love you. Let's go. Where's your bedroom, puppet? This looks like it's your bedroom.
09:56I am really feeling the pressure. Firm's fucked off. There was some sort of sleepy window which
10:02potentially I think I've missed and now I don't know what's going to happen. Right,
10:06so it's sleep-suit time. Okay, okay. She's not tired. She finally told me she might not be,
10:12so that's okay. But also I can't work out where the head goes in this. Like a long sock. Is
10:17it like a sock? Squish, squish. Where's mommy going? She's just slipped out for a minute,
10:25babe. She'll be back. I'm not normally a dishonest person, but there is absolutely no way I'm telling
10:31Finty that our mom has left me in charge. I don't want to worry the pub in. Okay,
10:35so I just need... Mama. Oh, wait a minute. Let's put these sleep-sans on. Mommy. Mommy.
10:40Mommy. Mommy. How do we? Mommy. Oh, look, sleep-sans. God damn it. Right,
10:47so how do we, do mommy know when you do this? Does she, is it like around here? Oh, I
10:51think
10:51I've worked it out. Mommy. I know. I wish she was here too. We do this. One, two, three.
11:01Okay, that's good. And then this, I think, is a sleep-sansion.
11:07It's okay. It's okay. I've never felt more stressed out. I've never felt more out of me
11:12depth. I'm totally spiralling. I'm worrying that I'm traumatising the burn. I need Fern to come
11:17home now. Come on, baby. Come see me. Come see me. It's okay. It's okay. It's okay. It's
11:41really like, mommy, mommy, mommy. And I got really panicked. Oh, no. I'm okay. I'm
11:48okay. I'm sorry. You're all sweating for starters. I'm absolutely still sweating. I feel like I
11:57haven't quite got the authority or the confidence. Just let them get a real murder and then when
12:02it comes to the hard stuff, I just crumble.
12:09Fern, I'm so sorry, mate. It's not what I'm doing. Sorry. No, it's not you.
12:14I did all the, like, well, fine. We thought, like, me and her were playing. It was lovely.
12:18But then, I just haven't got that, like, no lamb authority. You have. You have.
12:24Yeah. She's a tricky seeper. Yeah. She's fun. She loves fun. Yeah, she's all right. She's
12:31amazing. I'm going to go. You've got to do all that. I'm sorry. I feel like I've fumbled
12:36the task. No, you haven't. You was perfect. I can hear she's calming down now anyway.
12:41What do you think? I'm just going to go and sit in there and just do a bit of shush
12:46in.
12:46OK, well, thanks. Oh, you look gorgeous. I love you. I love you, babe. So sorry about
12:50that, Fern. That's all right. No, you're fine. OK, thank you. Bye.
13:12I'm done in. How was today? I'm looking for a nicer way to see
13:16awful. Because that feels... It feels really bad to say that. Like, she's a wicked baby,
13:24but... Hard work. Aye. Oh, no. And, like, you know when you're playing with them and everything
13:29and it's, like, all canny flossing kittens. Smiles and she's happy. It's lush. And then,
13:36when you've got to get out of sleep, you think, fucking hell, were you sent straight from the
13:41devil to test me? I just don't know how Fern does it. Like, Fern came back. Yeah. I was
13:48so relieved. So relieved. And I was doing a shite job as well, you know. I was. I was doing
13:55a
13:55shite job. Why? I could not get it. I'm sure you did an amazing job. In all honesty, cards on
13:59the table,
14:00like, it left me feeling really defeated today. Yeah. Like, it's really hard. Hard. It's really
14:07hard. Like, I don't know if, actually, I'll be a... I don't know if I'd be a very good man.
14:15We don't have to have kids. We're quite happy the way we are. I mean, listen, I'm not 110%
14:21either.
14:21In. I've just started a new business and I'm, like, stressing over that. God. We can just be
14:31cool aunties and uncles. I could do that. I think that's who I am. No, I do. I'm quite
14:42happy now, you know. Yeah. Yep. I'm so happy. I'm very happy. I love you and I love the dogs
14:49and I love me job. I'm just scared that one day I'm going to wake up and think it wasn't
14:55enough.
15:00Do you know what I mean? That's what I get scared of. The way my head's at now, I'm, like,
15:06it's a big, big commitment. I love you. I love you. All right, I'm going to bed. I'm so tired,
15:11too.
15:11Turn the lights off. Come on, then.
15:31Me and Irk have a really healthy relationship with honest and open lines of communication
15:37and we are forever talking about what our future looks like, whether we're going to have children,
15:42whether we're going to remain child-free, you know, our timelines and stuff. But sometimes it's really
15:48nice to get a different opinion, a second opinion. Hello, pet lover. Hello. One person I can always
15:57rely on is me mam. So I feel like I need to go to Newcastle, see her and just get
16:03her opinion on it
16:04all. I'm finally getting the jobs I want. I'm finally being taken seriously. I'm on a trajectory I want.
16:09Yeah. And the thought of taking a year and a half, two years, whatever it is off, scares me.
16:14Why do you need to take two years off to have a baby? I would have went straight back,
16:18but I waited till you were four months old. My mam is actually the original boss bitch.
16:24I think in my head, I had this idea of her being, like, an earth mother who, you know,
16:28no epidural, just gave birth to me in a field and gave up work the moment of conception.
16:34And actually, she was back at graft. She was very progressive. She was both a mother and
16:41a businesswoman, you know? And maybe that's where I get it from. Maybe that gives us whore.
16:46So do you think you're not ready yet? Do you know what? I want to spend a little bit more
16:50time as a wife before I'm a mother.
16:54I totally agree with you. Because I met your dad, as you know, and we're at school.
16:59In the womb.
17:01Not quite. But I didn't start going out with him till I was 16.
17:04Didn't get married till I was 24. We didn't have you until I was 29.
17:08People were shocked that we waited till then. Everybody was like, when are you at?
17:12Because you get engaged. Yeah.
17:14And they want you to get married. Yeah.
17:16And you get married and then they want you to have a family.
17:18And then it's when you're having your second one.
17:19Since the moment me and Irk got married, well, since the moment we met, it was like,
17:25people were like, when are you getting engaged? When are you getting engaged?
17:27And then we got engaged. It was, when's the big day? When are you getting married?
17:30And like, I suppose I didn't mind all that stuff because I knew that's where we're going.
17:34But the, it'll be babies next, it'll be babies next thing, always leaves a bit of a bitter taste in
17:40my mouth.
17:41But you've got loads of friends. You've got friends with kids.
17:44You know, you don't have to have your own to have children in your life anymore.
17:49My fear is, Mum, and this is, come on.
17:54My fear is that I'm just going to wake up one day and realise that, like, holidays and handbags and
18:02us lions are not that important.
18:05They're all just really superficial and futile.
18:08And I'll be devastated if I've missed my chance to be a mum or have a family because I am
18:16getting very close to a point where I really have to make a decision.
18:20So, yeah, some greatest fear is that I'm happy now and that there's just going to be some sort of
18:25penny drops in the next couple of years and I'll have waited too long.
18:30I think that's what I worry about.
18:31You would be a gorgeous mum because that's, that's just the person you are.
18:37I could just see you. You'd be absolutely beautiful.
18:39So, you don't need to worry about that at all.
18:42Pregnancy on your head.
18:45I think you'd be rubbish at.
18:47My mum never fails to give me, like, perspective when I'm struggling or a bit of a crossroads in my
18:54life.
18:55It makes us think that if, like, I was going to be a mum, I'd really like to be a
19:00mum like her.
19:09Although meeting up with my mum has helped us, I'm still no closer to making a decision.
19:13And there is one big factor I've yet to consider.
19:16What sort of mum will I be able to be with PMDD?
19:20I was diagnosed with PMDD about three years ago now.
19:24Pre-menstrual dysphoric disorder is a condition that affects hundreds of thousands of women.
19:31Unfortunately, it is often misdiagnosed.
19:34Women are dismissed.
19:35And it's because of that medical misogyny that I face that I feel really passionately about using me platform to
19:42raise awareness.
19:43Hi, Viv.
19:44Hi.
19:45Are you okay?
19:47So good to see you.
19:48Good to see you too.
19:49Oh, oh.
19:50I'm eating it.
19:50Last year, I made a film for Good Morning Britain.
19:53And part of that was I met these incredible, brave and inspirational women who were dealing with different female health
20:00issues.
20:01I was lucky enough to meet Rachel, who is dealing with PMDD as well.
20:05How have you been made?
20:06Because it's been a minute since I've seen you.
20:08It has, yeah.
20:09I'm good.
20:10Kids are growing, happy, healthy.
20:13Rachel is amazing.
20:15And I feel like she's the perfect person for me to talk to.
20:18Not only does she have the same condition as me, but she has four kids.
20:22Obviously, me and her got married about a year and a half ago now.
20:26It's gone like that.
20:27So, we are now in this position where we are trying to make a decision about what our future looks
20:31like.
20:32And whether that is, you know, if we're fortunate enough to have children, whether it's that or whether we're really
20:38content being sort of like doggy parents, essentially child free.
20:42Like, we're just looking at it and I'm getting scared a little bit rich because, obviously, me PMDD is such
20:52a huge part of me life.
20:53And I have to consider it when I make any decision.
20:56Like, if I take a job, like, I have to look at where it falls in me cycle.
20:59Like, I can't have it around me, luteal phase.
21:02And I just really worry about what type of mom I'm going to be able to be with PMDD.
21:10The best way I can describe PMDD is you build this, like, sandcastle of good habits, of positive behaviors, of
21:20great relationships.
21:21And then this wave comes and just destroys it and takes it all away.
21:27It manifests itself different in everybody.
21:30I get anxiety and exhaustion, body dysmorphia.
21:36I can't sleep at night.
21:37And also, in the more scary moments, I get some quite dark thoughts.
21:43And it can be quite debilitating.
21:45Like, I do feel like my symptoms are getting worse as I get older.
21:48I found out that it can affect your libido, which, honestly, not to be too graphic.
21:54But if you ask me husband, he will definitely tell you that's played a big part.
21:58Like, I do feel like my libido is low and I feel less sexy and things like that.
22:02And don't even get us started about my emotional regulation, mate.
22:05Oh, my gosh, yeah. Goes out the window.
22:06Out the window.
22:07Like, two weeks in your luteal phase.
22:09If it's two weeks of a month, it's half my kid's life.
22:12Then I'm going to be this version of myself that I absolutely hate.
22:15I really worry that I'm not capable of being a very good mom with PMDD.
22:20And it's getting us down.
22:23I just want to say that I think the fact that you're thinking about those things,
22:28I hope you take that as reassurance that you are going to be a good mom.
22:31Like, the kid's not even here and you're already thinking about, like,
22:34how you can be the best mom you can be.
22:36A lot of it comes down to communication.
22:38My kids are so happy.
22:40Like, you've met some of them.
22:42And it's not that it's always easy.
22:43There are times where I'm more short with them.
22:45I'm more irritable.
22:47So if you know that it's going to be harder for you in that time,
22:50as they get older, you talk to them.
22:51You help them understand it.
22:53And when you mess up, which you will, you apologize,
22:56it can still be a really beautiful journey.
22:58Did you feel any type of way before you started having your children?
23:01Were you worried about how, yeah, you were?
23:04Yeah, oh my gosh, I was terrified.
23:06I was like, I'm not ready to be a mom.
23:07I'm going to be a terrible mom.
23:08As soon as she came out, all of that anxiety went away
23:11because I just loved her.
23:13And it helped me see my hormones differently
23:15because the same hormones that were, like, you know,
23:19attacking me and stressing me out,
23:21they helped me to bond with my baby and just instantly love her
23:25and instantly feel that everything's going to be okay.
23:27PMDD is hard, but I no longer see it as,
23:30oh, it's a version of myself I hate.
23:32I see it as that's a more truthful version of myself
23:36that I need to be cautious with.
23:39You can still be a great mom, but it's terrifying.
23:42I'm really grateful.
23:43Like, you've given us a lot of information.
23:45Hard journey, but it's worth it.
23:47I love your age.
23:48I could, if that's all right.
23:50Yeah, of course.
23:52Sitting down with Rachel,
23:53she made me believe that I could not only, like,
23:55survive as a mom, but actually thrive,
23:58despite of me PMDD.
23:59She allowed me to entertain a world
24:02where I could use me PMDD
24:04to teach me children to be, like, emotionally intelligent,
24:08patient, kind, understanding.
24:10And honestly, that is not something
24:12I've ever allowed myself to think before.
24:15I'm really grateful to her for that.
24:32Oh, sick.
24:32After meeting Rachel,
24:33it did get us thinking about me low libido
24:35and how that's not exactly ideal
24:37if we want to try for a baby.
24:39So, I've been proactive
24:41and booked a sex therapist
24:42to come and meet me in Irk.
24:44And I have never been more uncomfortable in me life.
24:47Tell me a little bit about your journey
24:49in regards to talking to me.
24:51OK.
24:51Me and Irk met really organically
24:53about nearly eight years ago now.
24:56I had, like, no house
24:56and, you know, it was all fancy date nights
24:58and hotels and no dogs.
25:00Very flutters and fancy free.
25:01Yeah.
25:02We were having a lot of sex.
25:03A good time.
25:04Yeah, yeah.
25:04A good time.
25:05A good time.
25:06A good time, yeah.
25:06But, like, over the years,
25:08with, like, everything,
25:09like, my priorities seem to have changed.
25:10And as I said over the phone,
25:12I saw if I were PMDD,
25:13which affects me libido as well.
25:15And we are definitely having less sex.
25:21I don't feel any type of way about it,
25:22but I know he does.
25:24OK.
25:24And if that means, like,
25:25a couple of adjustments,
25:26I'm more than up for that.
25:27Yeah, and that's all,
25:28that's usually what it takes.
25:30It's just sort of a little bit of awareness
25:32about creating those opportunities sometimes
25:34or just thinking a little bit more about,
25:37do you know what,
25:37I might send him a bit of a text this morning
25:39or I might just, you know...
25:40Rudy, Rudy, Trudy text.
25:42Yeah, what could possibly?
25:43Seeing on how you feel.
25:44It's like, no, how are you doing?
25:46Or actually, you look good.
25:48I don't know why I did that.
25:49It's just uncomfortable.
25:50I'm really sorry.
25:51Not at all.
25:52You're, no, not at all.
25:54Hi, Petaline.
25:55You OK?
25:56Good.
25:57I was talking about you.
25:59I'm getting...
25:59I heard sex in the shower.
26:00No, you didn't.
26:02That's what I heard.
26:02No, you didn't.
26:03No, I can't wait at the right time.
26:04No, you didn't.
26:05You're going to fuck right off to have the man.
26:07I'm getting you OK.
26:08Sorry.
26:08Hi, good to see you.
26:11If I could wave a magic wand for you,
26:14what would you love to happen
26:15in terms of, like,
26:16your kind of sexual dynamic?
26:18Just up the numbers, really.
26:19Up the numbers.
26:19As in...
26:20You're a sorrow man.
26:23More intimacy.
26:24More time to get...
26:25As soon as the dogs did arrive...
26:28Yeah.
26:29In terms of sex,
26:29obviously, it slowed down.
26:31How's that today?
26:32It's really interesting,
26:33because that's kind of
26:34when you became a mummy and a daddy,
26:35I guess, to the babies.
26:35Yeah, I suppose that's normal.
26:37I suppose, like,
26:37any other parent,
26:38when they have a newborn
26:39or they have kids,
26:40it does slow down.
26:42Yeah.
26:42I definitely don't fancy any less.
26:44Nothing to do with us.
26:45It's just...
26:46a lack of physical action.
26:49Like, you know when you used to be,
26:50like, younger
26:51and you'd, like, walk downstairs
26:53in your mum and dad's house?
26:54I just sat down for a sec.
26:56Urgh.
26:57I feel like that's what it's like
26:58with the dogs.
26:59Where is this going?
27:00I feel judged.
27:01I feel judged by my Labrador.
27:03Sure they can keep each other company.
27:05If we put a little film on for them,
27:07give them a little treat or a bone,
27:09we can go upstairs
27:10and do it
27:11for a few minutes.
27:13And I can get your bone.
27:15Oh, that's why you're not going to spit.
27:19God help me.
27:21We're going to do
27:22a few little bits of homework
27:24in between now
27:25and kind of when I next see you,
27:26if that's OK.
27:27Are you guys up for that?
27:29Yeah.
27:29I was just one at school
27:30so I can do homework.
27:31Oh, OK.
27:32And I feel like you had it
27:33because he thinks
27:34it's going to be sexy homework.
27:36If it leads to some sexual activities,
27:38then I am in.
27:39So what we're going to do
27:40is we're simmering
27:41and that's actually keeping
27:43kind of the intimacy,
27:44the tactile kind of thing alive
27:47so that it can start off
27:48with just incidental cuddles
27:50in the kitchen.
27:51It can be cuddles in the sofa.
27:53But keeping it kind of
27:54on the agenda
27:55so that you're creating situations
27:57where actually intimacy can happen.
28:00It's a bit like turning on
28:01a light switch.
28:02It's like, right, bang,
28:03be sexy now.
28:04And that's really unrealistic,
28:06isn't it?
28:07And remember when we're
28:08talking about sex,
28:08we're not necessarily
28:09just saying like penetrative sex.
28:11It could be taking a shower together.
28:13I know that's risky,
28:14but it could be.
28:15So yeah, it might start,
28:16it might start down
28:17as a little cuddle in the kitchen.
28:19Cooking a bacon sandwich.
28:21That's not a sexy food.
28:23What would be a sexy food
28:25for you guys?
28:26Like a nice warm French stick
28:30with some cheese,
28:31olives,
28:32and a bit of onion.
28:33Olives are sexy.
28:34Some chutney.
28:35What the fuck?
28:36Some, um...
28:37You're just talking about
28:39food now.
28:40Sometimes it's about
28:41setting a time of day
28:43or a day when you know
28:44that you've got
28:45a little bit more time.
28:46If I came home from work
28:47and you had like
28:48a nice glass of rosy
28:49for us and that,
28:50and we had like
28:51a bit of like
28:52half an hour
28:52just chatting about
28:53what day,
28:54I think I would
28:55be in the mood for it.
28:57would have like
28:58a good communication
28:58the other day
28:59and then we would
29:00go upstairs,
29:01come down
29:02and then have
29:02our dinner
29:02and some time
29:03with the dogs.
29:03Is that not a perfect date?
29:05That sounds amazing.
29:06Oh, okay.
29:07Do you know what?
29:08I'm actually ready for this.
29:09Let the simmering begin.
29:11So am I.
29:12I'm ready to do
29:13some homework?
29:15Oh, you had to ruin it.
29:17Didn't you?
29:20Scruff.
29:21Don't wink at me.
29:22Cheaty wink.
29:25Let the simmering begin.
29:38You can take it to your daddy.
29:40What's he got?
29:41It's just come through the door.
29:43Always got something.
29:43It's me at home fertility test.
29:45Hello.
29:46At home fertility test?
29:48Yeah.
29:48The last time
29:49I got my fertility checked
29:50was a good few years ago now
29:52and honestly,
29:55like fertility years
29:57or like dog years,
29:58it just feels like
29:59after 35,
30:01you are
30:03made to feel like...
30:05Cold.
30:06Yeah, thank you.
30:09So this is going to check what?
30:10If you're still
30:12egging,
30:13basically.
30:14Which means
30:15if you're still capable.
30:17So this,
30:17it checks like
30:18your hormone levels,
30:19it checks like
30:20how many eggs you've got,
30:21like viable ones
30:22in order to make a baby
30:23because that's how a baby is made.
30:24Your hormones are very high,
30:25so...
30:25I have habitually had my eggs
30:28referred to as geriatric,
30:30which is obviously
30:32a bit of a punch in the dick.
30:34Erk, on the other hand,
30:36has had his sperm
30:38referred to
30:39in a professional setting
30:42as super swimmers.
30:44We're super swimmers.
30:47I'll take it.
30:48I swear to God,
30:50he has never
30:52let me forget it.
30:54Ah!
30:54It's like a little prick, man.
30:56Are you a fucker?
30:58Now that we
31:00have sort of,
31:01a few years have passed,
31:03I feel like we need
31:04just a little bit of a check-in
31:06to work out
31:06exactly where we're at now,
31:08where we stand,
31:09and what our options are.
31:11Like, milk it like a cow.
31:13I don't...
31:14I don't want you to milk it.
31:19What is wrong with you?
31:22Do you ever can scoop it up?
31:24No, we can't.
31:24Scoop it up,
31:24you fucks.
31:36When I was about 35,
31:38Erk and my relationship
31:39was still in its infancy,
31:41in my opinion.
31:42And it was probably
31:43a bit too soon
31:44to be having conversations
31:45about where we thought
31:46it was going
31:47and if we were going to be parents
31:48and things like that.
31:49But I was aware
31:50of all of the scaremongering
31:52around women's fertility
31:53and how hard
31:55healthy pregnancies are
31:56as you get older.
31:57So we made the decision
31:58to freeze some eggs
32:00and create embryos.
32:01But now we're having
32:02these serious conversations
32:05and deciding
32:06if we're going
32:07to start a family.
32:08And I just have
32:08this burning desire
32:09to go and visit
32:10me little embryos.
32:11Just want to make sure
32:12they're all key.
32:14So Vicky, here are your embryos,
32:15okay?
32:15You had three embryos frozen
32:18at Blastos Estates.
32:19They were all of
32:19absolutely beautiful quality.
32:22Okay.
32:23Would you like to sit?
32:24Okay.
32:25Okay.
32:25This is just after
32:27injecting the sperm into it.
32:28So you can see
32:29that this is your egg.
32:30We put the sperm in
32:32and then...
32:34No.
32:34If you'll see here
32:36is the first step
32:37where you can see
32:38two little pronucle
32:39coming out.
32:40Blast it?
32:40Yes.
32:41These are really
32:42the energy of the cell
32:43so that it can start dividing.
32:46Just to make an airplane
32:47literally for common water.
32:48And look.
32:49And then we start
32:50having the embryo
32:51creating,
32:52splitting into cells,
32:54two cells,
32:54four cells.
32:55It will go all the way
32:57to eight cells.
32:58And then
32:58the most beautiful moment
33:00of creating
33:01the blastocyst.
33:03I think I'm biased
33:04but I reckon
33:05he's cute already.
33:06I underestimated
33:07the egg freezing process.
33:09I was unprepared
33:10for the judgment
33:11that came with it.
33:13So many people
33:14just had
33:15so many opinions
33:16and
33:17I actually found it
33:19really overwhelming.
33:20So afterwards
33:22I compartmentalised
33:23very hard.
33:24I just sort of
33:25put a pin in it.
33:26But
33:27going to visit
33:28my embryos now
33:29has me feeling
33:31really emotional.
33:33They're like
33:33the first
33:35tiny iteration
33:36of me and Irk,
33:37you know?
33:37What chance
33:39in a statistic
33:40sort of form
33:41have I got
33:42of that being
33:42a successful pregnancy?
33:43Can you tell me that?
33:45So an
33:46AA embryo
33:47Vicky
33:47based on your age
33:49and your medical history
33:50but also
33:51most importantly
33:52on the values
33:53that we have here
33:54on the analysis
33:55and the AA
33:55will be
33:56approximately
33:5750%
33:58clinical pregnancy rate
33:59which is
34:00quite high.
34:01That's good.
34:02Yeah.
34:03I feel so privileged
34:04that I was able
34:05to freeze my eggs
34:06and create embryos
34:07with Irkhan.
34:08I absolutely
34:09know
34:09it's not something
34:11that everyone
34:12can afford to do.
34:13It's not cheap.
34:14You know?
34:15And it has
34:16provided me
34:17and Irkhan
34:17with a little bit
34:18of a security net
34:20and I am
34:21really grateful
34:22for that.
34:22I just wish
34:23it was available
34:24for everybody.
34:25Although there
34:26is no guarantee
34:26you are in a good
34:28starting position
34:29for sure.
34:30Would you like
34:30to actually see
34:32where your
34:33frozen embryos
34:34or eggs are?
34:34I can eat that.
34:35Yes?
34:36Shall we go
34:37and have a look?
34:38Yes, I would.
34:38Let's do that.
34:40Welcome to our
34:41storage room.
34:42You see that?
34:45So much
34:46storage.
34:47Here we have
34:48your embryos
34:49and eggs.
34:50Okay?
34:50They're in four
34:50little devices.
34:51So embryos
34:52and eggs?
34:53Yes.
34:53Yes.
34:54They're keeping
34:54company to each other.
34:57You see it says
34:58VP?
34:59So then?
35:01They're so small.
35:02I'll show you
35:03everything.
35:04It's so tiny.
35:05Can I just
35:06take a picture?
35:07Yes.
35:08Baby's first
35:09photograph.
35:11Oh, look at them.
35:13I wasn't expecting
35:14to feel this
35:16emotional
35:17or this attached
35:18to my embryos
35:19which is absolutely
35:20fucking ridiculous
35:21because I am
35:22the most
35:23emotional person
35:25in the world.
35:26And I don't
35:27want to leave
35:28them here.
35:28I want to take
35:29them home
35:29and put them
35:29in my freezer
35:30next to my fish
35:31fingers.
35:32I think
35:33maybe he's
35:35I'm more
35:36prepared for this
35:37than I thought.
35:46So you know
35:46how I went
35:47to see my embryos?
35:48Yes.
35:49Our embryos
35:49actually.
35:50Our embryos.
35:51I thought
35:52with it being
35:52such a clinical
35:53setting
35:54that I wouldn't
35:55feel
35:55any type of way
35:57but actually
35:59I did feel
35:59really emotional.
36:00I see
36:01the emotional
36:02side to that
36:03because it is
36:03quite special.
36:07so Alison said
36:08we need to
36:08start simmering.
36:11Don't pull
36:12that off.
36:13Don't pull it.
36:13Sexual.
36:14Remember
36:15simmering is about
36:16how you treat us
36:17throughout the day.
36:17Warming us up
36:18because I'm not
36:20like a light switch.
36:21You can't just
36:22I understand.
36:22Do you know
36:23what I mean?
36:23I need to be
36:24romanced.
36:26Okay.
36:26Rude.
36:27It's like a slow
36:28burn.
36:29What if you're not
36:29home?
36:30Do it via
36:30message like
36:31Alison said.
36:33Sexting.
36:34No, not sexting
36:35and I do not
36:35want to see a picture
36:36of your dick in my
36:37fucking...
36:37I'm not sending
36:38no dick pictures.
36:39Good.
36:39Why are you smiling?
36:40I could do.
36:41Cheek you on
36:41the toilet.
36:43Just like
36:44throughout the day
36:44and nice messages
36:45like...
36:46Oh we do.
36:47I know but like
36:48give it a little
36:49sexual note.
36:50A little
36:51romantic undertone.
36:52Okay.
36:53And then I'll make
36:53sure we've got a
36:54bottle of wine,
36:55a French stick
36:57with some olives
36:58cheese
36:59and then the
37:00simmering can begin.
37:02Yeah.
37:02I think we should
37:03try and actually
37:03tonight.
37:28Hello baby
37:29are you ready?
37:29Yes you are.
37:30Are you ready
37:31for your party?
37:32Are you ready?
37:34Popatino bar.
37:35Oh my gosh.
37:36I've spent the last
37:37couple of weeks
37:37having some quite
37:38intense conversations
37:39trying to work out
37:41what mine and
37:41Erkan's next steps
37:42look like.
37:43If we are going
37:44to have children
37:44if we do
37:45how are we
37:46going to have
37:46children?
37:47So I'm really
37:48looking forward
37:48to just parking
37:50that and
37:51celebrating my
37:52babies.
37:53today the light
37:55of my life
37:55my reason
37:56for living
37:57Max
37:58turns three
38:00so of course
38:00I'm going to
38:01throw him
38:02the biggest
38:02fucking party
38:03anybody has
38:04ever seen.
38:04Is this your
38:05first dog party?
38:06It is.
38:07It's near there.
38:08First of many.
38:09There you go
38:10that's for you.
38:10Thank you so much
38:11Erkan what I've got.
38:12What's that?
38:13Cosmopolitan.
38:14Oh my god.
38:15It's a full one.
38:16You can get a
38:17bar can store me.
38:18And I do well.
38:19Are you happy?
38:20Sorry.
38:21Sorry.
38:22And I know
38:23it's like your
38:23birthday too
38:24so I did some
38:25joint.
38:25My birthday.
38:27Yeah.
38:27Somewhere in
38:28my obsession
38:30and haste
38:31to throw
38:32my son
38:33the best
38:34birthday party
38:34ever
38:35I might have
38:36forgotten it's
38:37me husband's
38:37birthday as well.
38:39Dogs come first
38:40then Vicky.
38:42Then me.
38:44It's a bit of a
38:45punch in the dick
38:45isn't it?
38:46Not only did the
38:47dogs stop with
38:47doing the old
38:48mattress mambo
38:49but now Max has
38:50hijacked his
38:51dad's birthday as
38:51well.
38:52I can see why
38:53Erk gets a bit
38:54pissed off you
38:55know.
38:56Don't fucking
38:56dare tell him.
39:01Well we just
39:02wanted to say a
39:03big thank you to
39:03everybody for
39:04coming today to
39:05celebrate little
39:06Maxie's birthday.
39:07I know I'm over
39:08the top but to
39:09me he is my son.
39:11Thank you so much.
39:12Make sure you've
39:13got loads of
39:13drinks, loads to
39:14eat and let's
39:15have a really
39:15good eat.
39:15Let's get it's
39:16party stars to
39:16eat.
39:17Yay!
39:18Yay!
39:20Ah!
39:21Ah!
39:22Ah!
39:23Ah!
39:23Ah!
39:24Ah!
39:24Ah!
39:24Everybody's
39:25crying!
39:25Ah!
39:26Ah!
39:27Ah!
39:29Ah!
39:29Ah!
39:29Ah!
39:29Everybody is
39:30fuming and this
39:30is why we
39:31should be.
39:31Ah!
39:33Ah!
39:36Ah!
39:37Ah!
39:39Ah!
39:54Ah!
40:07Ah!
40:08Ah!
40:09Ah!
40:10Ah!
40:11Ah!
40:14Ah!
40:15Ah!
40:16Ah!
40:17Ah!
40:17Ah!
40:17Ah!
40:18Ah!
40:19Ah!
40:20Ah!
40:20Ah!
40:22Ah!
40:22Ah!
40:23Ah!
40:24Ah!
40:24Ah!
40:25Ah!
40:26Ah!
40:34Ah!
40:35I'm so sorry, I've never...
40:40Erk's just text.
40:42He's just wrote, you look incredible today.
40:44The day has been amazing.
40:46Can't wait to spend some time with you tonight.
40:49That made us get butterflies.
40:51I'm not being funny, but I actually might chag him after that.
40:55No, I might!
40:57Yous are sleeping in the spare room tonight, lads.
41:03Could we have an ice cream, please?
41:06It is.
41:07You've got your text.
41:09You want a text?
41:10OK!
41:12He's gorgeous charisma.
41:13Yeah, he is.
41:14He must be dead proud.
41:15Yeah.
41:16How do you feel like your relationship has changed since the baby?
41:19I'd actually say our relationship is so much stronger now.
41:22Do you feel more like a unit?
41:24Yeah, more of a unit.
41:25Absolutely.
41:26Absolutely.
41:28The little smile.
41:30Do you know when I say baby?
41:31A really cute one.
41:32And I go, oh, my God, my ovaries are screaming.
41:35What is the male version of that?
41:37Do your sperm sing?
41:39Yes.
41:39Do you get tingles?
41:40Yeah, I get tingles.
41:43I don't know how to explain it.
41:44Testicle tingles!
41:47Oh, my goodness!
41:48Do you want to have to?
41:50Ah!
41:51She's a natural.
41:53She absolutely is to change.
42:03It's not food, I promise.
42:05All he thinks is food.
42:07I just want to say it was lovely to see you with the babies today.
42:12You are an absolute natural.
42:14Do you think?
42:15100%, yeah.
42:17That's a really nice thing to say.
42:20I hope I am.
42:21I think you're better than you give yourself credit for as well, to be fair.
42:26Grown up with so many nieces and nephews.
42:28Yes.
42:30Yeah, it's been good and bad.
42:32Honestly, you know what everyone says, Irk?
42:34It's so different when it's your own.
42:36I know.
42:37When I think about kids, and I know sometimes I feel, like, really scared and apprehensive
42:43and worried that...
42:46Which is normal.
42:47...having got what it takes to be, like, the best mum or whatever.
42:51I also do feel like it would be such a shame because we've got such lovely families.
42:56I know.
42:56And they'd have so many nice, like, little cousins and pals and...
43:01I don't know.
43:01I think that part really...
43:03The next gen.
43:04Yeah!
43:04I know.
43:05It's going to be special.
43:07There's a huge part of me that wants a family with you.
43:11But, like, I'd be lying if I said my biggest concern wasn't still work.
43:18How I'm going to navigate being a mum and still being, like, a good wife to you
43:26and having all the other things I want in my life as well with my schedule as it is.
43:32Listen, that's normal.
43:33I think, like...
43:35Look at my brother.
43:36He's full-time.
43:37I know.
43:38They've got a business, so...
43:40We're a team, and...
43:43We're just going to make it work.
43:44Loads of women do it, don't they?
43:46Yeah.
43:48Love you.
43:49Love you, too.
44:01Last year, I took part in Strictly Come Dancing, and it was the most incredible experience of me life.
44:08But it was hard work, don't get us wrong.
44:11And in true Vicky P fashion, I've also decided now to take part in the Arena Tour, which means more
44:17hard work and also five weeks away from home.
44:21I'm really out my comfort zone, and I think the anxiety I feel about the show and also just, like,
44:29dancing in general.
44:30So I think all of that, coupled with the actual physical exertion of it, I feel like a popular party
44:35papa.
44:35And the thought of, like, walking through those doors after doing the cha-cha, foxtrot, whatever it is all day,
44:43and then jumping into bed with enthusiasm and doing a bit of mattress mambo with Urk.
44:47Like, I just couldn't... I couldn't imagine anything less appealing.
44:52I've got nothing else to give, man.
44:54Also, I don't know how I'm meant to go home and parent a baby, either.
44:59You have this idea in your head of, like, what mother you're going to be, and with me schedule the
45:03way it is at the minute.
45:05I just don't know how I'll have the capacity to be that mother.
45:09That really scares us.
45:12That'll be a bad bum.
45:15I am the breadwinner in our family.
45:17It is unfair.
45:19You have to choose between having the family or having all the career or...
45:22I don't know, it just feels like women always get the rough end of the deal.
45:27And I don't... I'm at this crossroads.
45:29And I don't necessarily know what to do.
45:32I don't know whether to...
45:35...see a fucker and be selfish.
45:40Then I know I'll be upset if I don't have the family as well.
45:44Sorry.
45:51Next time...
45:52Ah!
45:53I missed!
45:54...the baby saga continues.
45:56It's time to stop thinking and start fucking.
46:00We get our fertility results back.
46:03OK, there's one out of range, hi.
46:06And Urkan pulls out all the stops to try and bring a little romance to our relationship.
46:11This is all simmering, isn't it?
46:13Before we finally make a decision, once and for all.
46:17I feel like I've pretty much made my decision. Have you made your decision?
46:20I have as well. I have as well, yeah.
46:23See you soon, guys.
46:32Bye.
46:38Bye.
46:41Bye.
46:42Bye.
46:43Bye.
46:44Bye.
46:45Bye.
46:45Bye.
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