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Australian.Story.S31E04
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00:15This is a simply beautiful story that absolutely destroyed me the first time I watched it.
00:22For 35 years, Deirdre Croft and her intellectually disabled son, Richard,
00:27have had their journey documented on film,
00:31creating a record of a beautiful and loving relationship.
00:36Richard is now 45, and as Deirdre's health declines,
00:41she confronts a dilemma that many others face too.
00:44Who will look after our children when we're gone if they can't look after themselves?
00:50If we do a selfie, Richard...
00:55My son, Richard, is totally dependent on other people
01:02to help him engage with this world and to make sure he survives.
01:09But wasn't that fascinating?
01:13Sometimes I actually feel that Richard is my therapist.
01:19He knows nothing about world politics.
01:23He has no ego.
01:25He doesn't judge me.
01:28It's quite liberating.
01:30It's hold my hand and let's play a song together.
01:35Happy birthday to you.
01:41Deirdre loves, loves, and loved Richard from the minute he was born.
01:49She has given him her all.
01:52Yeah, everything.
01:54Richard?
01:57I think Deirdre is much frailer than she was.
02:01I want to thank you for all you've contributed in 45 years on planet Earth.
02:08I think she's been preparing for her death from day one with Richard.
02:14And so the pressure is now on Deirdre to work out
02:19who's going to look after Richard from this point on.
02:24My only concern is Richard's future.
02:30I feel like there's no time to be wasted.
02:49Deirdre, I've found these photos in my storage.
02:53Oh, gosh, gosh, gosh.
02:56So you must have prepared these for the first film, I think.
03:00Yeah.
03:03Pregnancy, hospital, post-birth.
03:06Mmm.
03:09Have we got any tissues?
03:12Yes.
03:22I met Deirdre in 1989,
03:25and it was the beginning of a documentary journey
03:28that spanned nearly three decades
03:30as we made three films about her life with Richard.
03:33You're on it?
03:35Yeah.
03:35OK, Deirdre,
03:37what I'd like to talk about in this interview
03:40are the positive aspects of being Richard's mother,
03:43of being mother of a kid with special needs.
03:51Are you still going?
03:53Yeah.
03:54Yeah.
03:56Um...
03:57The experience of Richard has given me an opportunity
04:02to appreciate the individuality of our children
04:08and their value in their own right,
04:12irrespective of whether you can puff out your chest
04:14and boast about winning a race or topping the class.
04:18That was so wise.
04:21And you still are.
04:23I thought Deirdre had a remarkable story to tell,
04:27but more importantly,
04:28I thought she would tell it with great candour and honesty.
04:32I thought she'd be brave enough to go on the journey,
04:35and that's proven to be correct.
04:36He doesn't like the bandage.
04:39He has to be...
04:41I finished school in 1970
04:45and I went to the University of Western Australia.
04:49I had a degree in psychology
04:52and I embarked on a career in journalism.
05:01I was going on 23
05:04when I married Charlie.
05:07They were both very different people.
05:09Charlie had been a Vietnam vet
05:12and had had a harder childhood than Deirdre.
05:17But, of course, family for both Charlie and Deirdre
05:19were important.
05:22In those days, you were married for two years,
05:24you got the house and then you got the baby.
05:26So their life was looking idyllic.
05:31My experience of being pregnant
05:34was one of the best times of my life.
05:39I was absolutely intrigued
05:42by what felt like a miracle of life
05:47developing in my body.
05:53Deirdre was wheeled off.
05:55I was left pacing up and down
05:57and some 15, 20 minutes later,
06:01they came out and said,
06:02my mother's fine, but the baby's not too good.
06:06They performed a caesarean operation
06:09and I was conscious
06:10and I could feel him pulling and yanking
06:13and trying to get him out of my body.
06:17He just had a faint heartbeat
06:21and he was unconscious for a week
06:25and he was having seizures for most of that time.
06:30There was birth injury, birth trauma.
06:34He had had a brain injury of some kind.
06:38And then all of a sudden he regained consciousness
06:44and I breastfed him the next day
06:49and it seemed like he'd had a miracle recovery.
07:01Richard and my daughter Rhianna
07:03were only six weeks apart
07:04and so in those early days,
07:07they seemed pretty much the same.
07:09You know, Richard was smiling
07:10when Deirdre went into him in the mornings
07:13and he was babbling a little bit
07:15as Rhianna was.
07:20I guess with child development,
07:22because it is an incremental process,
07:27it was only over time
07:29that it became apparent
07:32what the consequences of the brain damage were.
07:37Dog?
07:39Richard?
07:41Richard?
07:42Dog?
07:44Dog?
07:46It's not a problem.
07:50Dog.
07:50Dog.
07:53It seems like there are surprises all along the way
07:56and you just never know
07:58what he might be capable of doing.
08:02The dreams of what might be available
08:04if he does talk.
08:06I'd really love that.
08:07You know, I'd really love that.
08:11It'd be nice, wouldn't it, Richard?
08:13Hey?
08:15You could say some things to him.
08:17Ah!
08:19You imagine the story of your life
08:22and how it might plan out
08:24and what your dreams are
08:25and sometimes, maybe always,
08:28those stories change.
08:32Deirdre was thrown straight into motherhood
08:36and I think because of the stress
08:40that both she and Charlie were under,
08:43they didn't grieve for the baby
08:45that he never was.
08:50I first met Deirdre
08:52when Richard was about 10 years old
08:55and so she had a decade of stresses and strains.
08:59I felt she was running on empty.
09:03She wanted a film made about various issues
09:07to do with disability and with caring
09:09and that's where the project began.
09:12In again.
09:20I said to Deirdre,
09:22this can work at its best
09:24if it's kind of warts and all
09:26and to her absolute credit,
09:28she has run with that
09:29without hesitation
09:31for nearly three decades.
09:34I suppose for about
09:37six or seven years,
09:39Richard had some incredible resistance
09:42to car travel.
09:44We're going to go and see our new car.
09:52No, no.
09:55Richard can't talk
09:57so all he can be
10:00in the relationship
10:02is basically what he feels.
10:09Stop it, Richard.
10:12Richard's aggression
10:13was often
10:14driven by his fear.
10:18So it wasn't like
10:19it was malicious.
10:21It's not like
10:22I hold a grudge
10:24against him
10:25for hurting me so much.
10:29But it's hard for me
10:31to remember
10:32how I endured that.
10:38It was confronting
10:40seeing her dealing
10:41with many of those things.
10:45She said to me
10:46a number of times
10:46that she really hopes
10:48that people can see
10:49Richard's humanity
10:50first and foremost,
10:52that she really hopes
10:53people can see
10:53the person in front of them
10:55and not the problem.
10:56And for me,
10:57that goes to
10:58the heart of the matter.
11:04Richard's father
11:05and I
11:06sped up
11:06just before
11:07Richard turned nine
11:09and we've come
11:10to an arrangement
11:11whereby he spends
11:12one week with his father
11:13and one week
11:14with me.
11:15The marriage
11:16didn't bust up
11:17because of Richard.
11:19Richard was just
11:20additional stresses
11:20and strains.
11:23At some point,
11:24Deirdre got together
11:26with Chris,
11:27who is a musician,
11:30a wonderful man.
11:31That's the way it is,
11:34that's the way we are.
11:37When we swim
11:38against the tide,
11:40we don't get there at all.
11:42Chris's clear love
11:44of Richard
11:45was really evident.
11:48And Richard's response
11:50to Chris
11:51and to his music
11:52was a delightful
11:53thing to see.
11:59Chris and I,
12:01perhaps you could say
12:03we were soulmates.
12:07Chris never had
12:09children himself,
12:10but he seemed
12:13incredibly comfortable
12:15with Richard.
12:18They would just
12:20talk to him
12:20as if he would
12:22talk to a peer.
12:36About nine years
12:37later,
12:38when Richard
12:38turned 20,
12:40Charlie,
12:40his father,
12:41was his primary
12:42caregiver,
12:43and that was
12:43the main impetus
12:44for making
12:45that second documentary.
12:52he wanted to push
12:54the boundaries
12:54for Richard
12:55in all sorts
12:56of ways.
12:58Things like
12:59taking and riding
13:00on the back
13:00of a motorbike
13:01is fairly
13:02air-raising.
13:03A lot of people
13:04think that I'm
13:04silly for doing that.
13:06There's unnecessary
13:07risk.
13:09But that's fine.
13:11We do our things.
13:12We have good time.
13:18I just love him
13:20passionately,
13:21dearly.
13:22That's basically
13:22what I'm living my
13:23life for,
13:24is for caring
13:25for Richard.
13:28I don't envy
13:29the relationship
13:30between Charlie
13:31and Richard.
13:32I rejoice in it.
13:34I think it's
13:34a very beautiful
13:35thing.
13:36I really don't
13:38believe that I
13:40could physically
13:40manage his
13:42full-time care
13:43at this stage
13:44in his life
13:45and my life.
13:46I'm not strong enough.
13:49This experience
13:50has brought me
13:51to fulfil a role
13:52which I actually
13:53believe is my
13:54calling in life,
13:55if you like,
13:56and that's in
13:56advocacy.
13:58We have called
13:59our campaign
14:00Time to Care.
14:02She advocated
14:03quite a bit early
14:04on, but then
14:05it gave her
14:06that opportunity
14:06to put more
14:07energy into
14:08making other
14:09people's lives
14:10better.
14:11My son Richard
14:12was quite an
14:13aggressive young
14:14boy.
14:16I would be
14:17devastated in
14:18the privacy
14:19of my own
14:20home and
14:22open the front
14:22door with my
14:23plastic smile
14:24across my mouth.
14:26I'm fine,
14:27thank you very
14:27much, yes,
14:28got it all
14:28handled, it's
14:29under control.
14:31Well, bye
14:31Richard.
14:32Thank you very
14:32much.
14:33You're very
14:34welcome, it's a
14:35pleasure.
14:35Okay, okay,
14:36thank you.
14:36No worries.
14:37See you later.
14:40I think people
14:42want disability
14:43to be inspiring.
14:45somehow people
14:46with disabilities
14:47and their carers
14:48are these noble,
14:50bigger-than-life
14:51figures, and I
14:52think that's a
14:53pity.
14:54There are moments,
14:55you know, of
14:56beautiful tenderness
14:57and softness, but
14:59there are horrendous
15:00times as well, and
15:02very, very
15:03challenging times
15:04that most people
15:05never encounter
15:07in their lives.
15:09Come here,
15:10come here.
15:11Come here, Maggie.
15:12you hold that one.
15:14You just stand
15:14there, and you
15:15hold that, you
15:16hold that.
15:17Now, this is
15:21precarious.
15:26Richard's life was
15:27very stable, but all
15:29that changed two
15:30years ago, and the
15:32human story has
15:34changed dramatically.
15:42Charlie had a heart
15:44attack in 2012, and
15:48that's when Rich came
15:49back to live with me.
15:52then he was admitted
15:55to hospital with cancer.
16:01Charlie didn't last
16:03very long at all, so
16:05Richard's whole world
16:06was turned upside down.
16:10Charlie was able to say
16:12goodbye to all the
16:14significant people in
16:16his life, but he
16:18couldn't bear to say
16:20goodbye to Richard.
16:22So it was just that
16:25his father suddenly
16:27disappeared.
16:32It's so hard to know
16:34what sense Richard makes
16:37of death.
16:41Daddy?
16:42See, there's daddy.
16:44Daddy?
16:50I believe he remembers
16:52them vividly, and why
16:57did they leave?
17:06It was devastating.
17:08It was so hard for
17:10Richard, but Deidre
17:12stepped up.
17:13She really did.
17:16Rich needs someone with
17:18him, 24 hours a day,
17:20seven days a week.
17:22Bathing him, feeding him,
17:24putting to bed, getting up
17:26to him in the middle of
17:27the night.
17:29I was wearing out.
17:32You know, I really was
17:34exhausted.
17:36It wasn't sustainable.
17:42I'm about to make my first
17:44visit to a group home to see
17:47whether it might be suitable
17:48for Richard.
17:49On the way here, I started
17:51to feel a little bit
17:52emotional because it felt
17:53like I'm making a decision
17:54on Richard's behalf.
17:57Did you know that Richard's
17:59going to come and stay here?
18:00After Jenny moves out, Richard's
18:03going to come up and just visit
18:05during the day?
18:07When you have been absolutely
18:10committed to the care and
18:12wellbeing of someone you know
18:16is very vulnerable, to entrust
18:20that to anyone else is very
18:25challenging and potentially
18:27traumatic.
18:28You know the level of Richard's
18:31capabilities, don't you?
18:32Yeah, yeah.
18:34The other members of the house,
18:35how did that accept him?
18:37I think the boys especially,
18:38I think, would be fine.
18:40Andrew definitely.
18:41He just loves new people.
18:42So I think they'd be fine.
18:44And Richard's a nice,
18:45really nice guy.
18:46He is a nice guy.
18:49Yeah.
18:51Okay.
18:52How are you feeling?
18:55It must be so overwhelming.
19:01It's just, you know,
19:03it's hard.
19:04It feels like,
19:06I don't know,
19:07I can't describe it.
19:08Just momentous.
19:12The decision has to be right
19:14because you can't make mistakes
19:16with Richard.
19:18Bye.
19:22Richard's settled in
19:23beyond my expectations.
19:26I was relieved
19:29and he was happy and settled.
19:31There were a few support workers
19:34that he just absolutely bonded with.
19:39Andrew, roll your boat.
19:41All right.
19:42And I'll do,
19:42Daniel, roll your boat.
19:44And then Richard,
19:45calm down.
19:46Pow, pow, pow, pow.
19:46Yes, you're happy.
19:48I know.
19:48I know you are.
19:49That's Richard's happy sound.
19:51And then within about a six-month period,
19:54it just all went very, very wrong.
19:57He can't tell us
19:59if something has happened to him
20:01that has actually caused him
20:03to really lose the plot.
20:12He went into hospital
20:14at one stage
20:15in the making of the third film
20:17just when Deirdre thought
20:19things were going really well.
20:21Take your hand out of your mouth.
20:23At the group home,
20:25over three years,
20:26there were eight emergency hospitalisations.
20:31Multiple tests were performed.
20:34No physical cause identified.
20:38It just proved again
20:40how Richard's life
20:41is not a linear progression.
20:43It is waves of ups and downs
20:45that someone in Deirdre's position
20:48just has to navigate.
20:53I've brought him home
20:54quite frequently
20:56because he hasn't been sleeping well.
20:59He might really be suffering,
21:01but he can't tell us.
21:04No!
21:05No!
21:06No!
21:11The last period of hospitalisation
21:16coincided with Chris
21:18was being diagnosed with cancer.
21:25And I don't know how I did,
21:27you know,
21:28to people in need of my support
21:32with that degree of intensity.
21:36I am absolutely exhausted now.
21:40And I...
21:42What I had been trying to do
21:44was to get Richard's life settled.
21:49So that he wouldn't depend
21:52so much on my capacity.
21:57And I just...
21:59I don't know how to help him
22:02overcome what he's going through now.
22:15Charlie had left some financial resources
22:19for Richard
22:20and before we finished filming
22:23the third documentary,
22:25Deirdre was talking about
22:27building a house for Richard.
22:31That was a process
22:33that began
22:34about eight years ago.
22:37This was the original house.
22:41There's the slab being laid.
22:45There's Richard helping out on site.
22:49I would say it would have been
22:5216 to 18 hours a day
22:54for months and months
22:55and months and months.
22:58And we got the handover
23:01of the keys in July 2020.
23:04So Richard is secure
23:08for the rest of his life
23:10because this is his home.
23:23I think Richard is content.
23:29He has support staff on site
23:3224-7.
23:36Six days a week
23:38he goes out
23:39into the community
23:41with a different service provider.
23:44He leads a very
23:46healthy,
23:48regulated,
23:50ordered
23:51life.
23:55Deirdre Croft
23:56for Dr. Joe.
23:59I think,
23:59maybe slightly ironically,
24:01the challenge now
24:02is for Deirdre's accommodation
24:03and what she does
24:05in the next stage
24:05of her life.
24:06I've got a little list.
24:08Of course.
24:09And I have a script
24:10for blood pressure.
24:12Most of my adult life
24:14has been focused
24:15on caring
24:16for other people
24:17and I'm not
24:19very good
24:20at caring
24:21for myself.
24:23And I feel like
24:24there is
24:25a progressive
24:26deterioration
24:27on multiple levels.
24:29This past week
24:30I've been staying
24:31up at Richard's place.
24:32Lovely.
24:33Yeah,
24:34because he's got
24:35support staff up there
24:37and now
24:38I feel quite vulnerable
24:40about the possibility
24:42of living alone.
24:45My beloved partner,
24:47Chris,
24:48passed away
24:49May 2021.
24:53It was a very
24:55gentle
24:56transition
24:57of gradually
24:59fading.
25:01He was
25:02very peaceful.
25:05Mm-hmm.
25:11I bought this
25:12a while ago.
25:13Richard doesn't use it,
25:14but because my back
25:15has been so bad,
25:18Marita suggested
25:19that I might
25:20benefit from
25:21trying it myself.
25:23Can you do it
25:23without your glasses?
25:24Can you see?
25:26No.
25:27My current quest
25:28is to
25:30mobilise
25:31a team
25:32for Richard
25:33that can be
25:34trained
25:35in what I do
25:36so that
25:38if I fall asleep
25:39and don't wake up,
25:41it's just
25:42a smooth transition
25:45and business
25:46as usual.
25:47How does that feel,
25:48Andrew?
25:49Good as well.
25:49Wonderful.
25:52Our
25:52intention
25:54is to
25:55set up
25:55a legal
25:56entity
25:57called
25:57a micro-board.
25:59My hope
26:00is that
26:00because all
26:01of you
26:02have been
26:02involved
26:03in Richard's
26:04life
26:04over an
26:05extended
26:05period of
26:06time,
26:06we'll be
26:07able to
26:08contribute
26:08their
26:09knowledge,
26:11insight
26:11and care
26:12the people
26:13who are
26:14part of
26:15the micro-board
26:16will undertake
26:17different roles
26:18in relation
26:20to Richard's
26:20life.
26:23So we've
26:24started the
26:24process of
26:25establishing
26:25Richard's
26:26micro-board.
26:27It's hard
26:28to say at
26:28the moment
26:29just how long
26:29it will take
26:30before it's
26:31operational.
26:33She would
26:34like to
26:34hand it
26:35over,
26:35but she
26:36has to
26:37have a
26:38really high
26:38degree of
26:39confidence
26:40confidence
26:41to be
26:42able to
26:42do that
26:43and Deidre
26:44is not
26:44there yet.
26:47Now look
26:48at this.
26:48Just a
26:49minute.
26:50I might
26:51see what
26:52that looks
26:52like.
26:55Every day
26:56I take
26:57photos
26:58and I
26:59find it
27:00very
27:01restorative.
27:03If there's
27:04an overarching
27:04theme for me
27:05that comes
27:06through the
27:06documentaries,
27:07it's that
27:08notion that
27:08care has to
27:09be shared
27:10and we
27:11need to
27:11care for
27:12carers as
27:13well as
27:13caring for
27:13the most
27:14vulnerable
27:14amongst us.
27:16I love
27:17capturing
27:19sunlit clouds
27:20but I also
27:22love capturing
27:23birds in
27:24flight.
27:26Deidre is an
27:27unheralded champion
27:29along with lots
27:29of other people
27:30like her.
27:31I think it's
27:32roughly three
27:33million people
27:34in Australia
27:35have a caring
27:37role in one
27:37form or
27:38another.
27:39If someone
27:40like Deidre
27:41who has
27:42extraordinary
27:42capacity,
27:43education,
27:44ability to
27:45navigate
27:46bureaucracy,
27:47if she still
27:48finds it
27:48hard, how
27:49much harder
27:50must it be
27:50for someone
27:51who doesn't
27:51have that
27:52level of
27:53capacity?
27:54We've been
27:55a bit light
27:55on with
27:56birds lately.
27:58I don't
27:58know why.
27:59Oh, look,
28:01there's a
28:01little birdie.
28:11Hello, Richard.
28:13It's mummy
28:14here.
28:15I had an
28:16idea that I
28:18would make you
28:18some video
28:19clips that you
28:21could watch if
28:23I'm not around
28:24to show them
28:25to you.
28:25But right
28:27now, what
28:29I'd like to
28:29say to you
28:31is how
28:32much I
28:33value your
28:35contribution
28:36to my
28:37life.
28:38I could
28:39describe you
28:40as a life
28:42coach because
28:44who are we
28:45to judge
28:46when a
28:46person's
28:47life is
28:47worth living
28:48or not?
28:49What is
28:49the bottom
28:50line?
28:51If not
28:52our
28:52intellectual
28:53capabilities,
28:54what is it
28:55that makes
28:55us essentially
28:56human, a
28:58worthwhile
28:58member of
28:59the human
28:59race, deserving
29:01of a life
29:01to be lived?
29:04Perhaps the
29:04real tragedy
29:05is not that
29:06there are
29:07people born
29:07who are less
29:08capable and
29:09therefore more
29:10dependent on
29:11others to
29:11care for them
29:12and to meet
29:12their needs.
29:14but that there
29:15are too many
29:15other so-called
29:17intellectually
29:17normal people
29:18who are severely
29:20handicapped in
29:21their capacity
29:22to give and
29:23care for others.
29:26The last thing
29:27I want to say
29:28to you, Richard,
29:30is that I
29:32love you
29:33with all my
29:34heart and I
29:36am so grateful
29:37that you've
29:38been a part
29:38of my life.
29:44I
29:56have a
29:57heart
29:57to you.
29:57I
30:00know,
30:01I
30:01heart
30:01to you.
30:06I
30:07have a
30:11heart
30:13bowing.
30:14Happy birthday dear Richie, happy birthday to you.
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