#video #Strip Law - Season 1 - Episode 08: We Need to Talk About Heaven
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00:0910 years ago, during a routine appendix removal, four-year-old Dilterton Timble briefly died
00:16on the operating table and went to heaven.
00:20Then, a miracle happened.
00:23He came back.
00:26Ladies and gentlemen, let's get some applause, though, here in heaven for Dilterton Timble!
00:37Ladies and gentlemen, heaven is real!
00:43Now, who wants to hear about God's car?
00:47Will my dog be in heaven?
00:50Yes.
00:51Everybody's dog is in heaven, even Hitler's.
00:54And dogs can have chocolate in heaven.
00:58I knew it!
00:59Do I have to stay old in heaven?
01:02No, no.
01:04Everybody in heaven is a certified barstool smoke show.
01:07I'm talking barely legal dime pieces.
01:10I'm sorry, but no matter the luxuries,
01:13wouldn't eternal consciousness eventually become a prolonged form of torture due to the fe-
01:18In heaven, you can fly everywhere you want,
01:20and broccoli tastes like Jack Daniel's barbecue ribs.
01:24That shut me up.
01:26I'm all right.
01:27Before I leave, I want to bring out my best friend, my dad!
01:33Hello, believers.
01:35You know, I'm so proud of this kid for bringing the truth of heaven, which he saw, to millions.
01:42But due to the nefarious influence of walkable cities, attendance is down.
01:48They're trying to hide the truth of heaven from you.
01:52No!
01:53Worry not!
01:54For the 10th anniversary of Dillterton's fateful trip to heaven,
01:58we've scheduled an unnecessary and risky operation
02:02so that Dillterton can die again
02:05and learn even more facts about heaven.
02:09Now, let's hear it for the Hologram Heaven All-Star Band.
02:19Oh, baby, that's what I like!
02:23Hey!
02:25Whang bang!
02:26Bing, bing, bang!
02:27Dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun!
02:30Ju-ju-ju-ju, comamama monster!
02:36All right, now!
02:37We can bring it in mama mama mama mama mama mama mama!
02:40It's all home on me, lose the world!
02:42Look at his red heart now!
02:44Whang, whang, whang dang!
02:46Whang, whang dang!
02:47Whang, whang dang!
02:59Oh, that was the worst bankruptcy hearing ever.
03:11Aw, cheer up.
03:12Your dirt bike almost made it over the lube pit.
03:14Can we have one case that doesn't spiral out of control?
03:20The other day a bone fell out of my body.
03:23Completely dry.
03:24Do you think-
03:24Hey, uh, I found this lady crying in the lobby.
03:27Her name's Deborah Timble.
03:28She wants a divorce.
03:29Yes, divorce!
03:31A nice, normal family case.
03:33Also, hello.
03:34I'm sorry for your times.
03:35I need to get custody of my son.
03:37He's being pressured by his father into suicide for the church.
03:41Uh-oh!
03:42Oof-a-reeno!
03:43That's gallahoyt!
03:44Guys, please.
03:46Sorry for them, ma'am.
03:47Anyway, what crazy thing were you saying?
03:49My son, Dilderton Timble, the boy who saw heaven.
03:53Oh, that's the kid who told me about God's car.
03:55It's really fast.
03:56This whole thing's gone way too far.
03:58I just said I want normal cases.
04:01I know you weren't in the room, but still.
04:04Anyway, we can't.
04:05Say no!
04:05Lady, you're in business.
04:07Sheila!
04:08Sidebar.
04:08Do you have any idea what kind of a media firestorm a religious-
04:13Lincoln, I know this kid.
04:15I've been this kid.
04:17I know what it means to escape a repressive childhood.
04:25This is going to age perfectly.
04:28You're next, Tower Seven.
04:29No!
04:30We don't believe in that kind of thing in this household.
04:33That's what we believe in.
04:37You're unbelievable.
04:39Now you see why we have to do this?
04:41No, but I don't have the remaining life force to argue with you.
04:45Sheila wins again.
04:46Okay, Mrs. Timbal, we're going to do a classic, normal, shenanigan-free divorce.
04:52This is, of course, Sheila, my magical co-counsel in charge of spectacle.
04:56Abracadazzle!
04:57It's hell across, and I'm Satan!
05:00Okay, first thought.
05:01I do a big magic trick disproving his heaven story, and also the existence of God.
05:06No!
05:06Divorce case.
05:08We did Santa.
05:09We're not doing God.
05:10It's repetitive.
05:12The best way to get custody is for Dillterton to choose Deborah over Trent.
05:16Okay, well, maybe I can get him to reject his toxic-controlling dad.
05:20Classic Honey Boy.
05:21Ah, perfect current movie reference.
05:24Irene, you're a teen, kind of.
05:26Help Sheila Varsity Blues the Honey Boy.
05:29Now, what about Glem?
05:30What does he do to the Honey Baby?
05:33Stay here in case something more important happens.
05:36Got it.
05:38Well, there he is.
05:40Kevin, the new paralegal, the hotshot.
05:45Look at him.
05:46Planning my destruction.
05:48Let's show him you're the cool bad boy around here.
05:51Okay, who's a cool bad boy?
05:53Of course, Bart Simpson.
05:55Okay, great.
05:55And what cool things does Bart do?
05:57Uh, all I remember is his dad, Homer, chokes him all the time.
06:01Also, in the movies, they show his penis.
06:03Anything else?
06:03Nope.
06:04Okay.
06:06I'm sorry, what's happening?
06:08My dad chokes me!
06:10Oh, great.
06:12Monstere?
06:13He's so friggin' wholesome.
06:16Oh, hello.
06:17You know the law can be a scary place where no one cares for wholesome things.
06:23Things like lemonade or limeade or the truth.
06:27Well, I do.
06:29My name is pronounced Matt Monstere.
06:34Grandpa Monstere?
06:35Is it true that just because someone looks a little like a ghoul that doesn't mean they're evil?
06:40Right, honey boy.
06:42Lucky that's not a problem for me, though.
06:45Stare down injustice at the law offices of Monstere and Vionne.
06:52We are Cajun, you see.
06:55Your Honor, my client is citing irreconcilable separation, interference of visitation, and...
07:01God doesn't want this divorce to happen.
07:03He wants Dilterton spreading the word.
07:06Jesus, already?
07:08Jesus, always.
07:09Your Honor, we would like to submit into evidence this early video of Dilterton's show.
07:15Objection, Your Honor.
07:16Relevance.
07:17This is a divorce case.
07:19Nope.
07:19My joie de vivre and adult ADHD cut both ways, Mr. Gum.
07:24Overruled.
07:25We're watching a movie!
07:26Go ahead, Dilterton.
07:28Tell him what you saw.
07:29Um, Batman was there, and he was shooting the bad guys, and the bad guys got dead.
07:36Dilterton means that God is like Batman, because he believes in justice.
07:41And the Minions and the Pikachu.
07:45And?
07:45And God said, in heaven, families are together forever.
07:53Please, that's clearly a video of a man brainwashing his child.
07:57Not if the boy is telling the truth about God.
08:01Which he's not.
08:02Prove it!
08:03Oh my God, it's happening.
08:04Your Honor, this is a divorce case.
08:07Sorry, dude.
08:08Seems like if you want custody, you gotta do something pretty huge.
08:12Fuck you, Sheila.
08:13I submit to the court that God doesn't exist.
08:17Yes!
08:19Again, God said heaven points can be redeemed at an angel center, but you get triple cloud spins if you
08:26activate them with Saint-Juves.
08:27But they do not transfer into...
08:30What's the plan here?
08:31I'm looking for a weakness.
08:32Hmm, what turned me against my parents?
08:35You're unbelievable.
08:41Spike Radisson?
08:48Forget it, Sheila Sr. That kid is just too damn cool.
08:53You're unbelievable.
08:55Of course.
08:55The key to rebellion is a cool older kid.
08:58But where will I find one of those?
09:00Sorry, what?
09:01I was busy doing switchblade tricks.
09:04Bad show?
09:06Eh, you'll get him next time.
09:07What?
09:08Okay, come on.
09:09I killed.
09:10Who are you?
09:11Who, me?
09:12I'm nose rings, buddy.
09:14I'm R-rated movies and saying the word sucks.
09:17I'm the goated life you could have if you reject all this crap.
09:20Thank you, cool stranger.
09:21But you describe an empty husk of shallow pleasures.
09:24As Ezekiel said at the well of Damascus,
09:26Honor thy father and all authority, yea, as the blue lives shall ever matter.
09:31I pray that you find a similar peace.
09:34But I'm cool.
09:36And what else?
09:38You said this would be a simple case.
09:40Now, I don't get my son back unless you prove God's not real.
09:44Look, I didn't ask for this, lady.
09:46All that matters now is that we don't let this spiral into some big media circus.
09:52Margo Wahlberger, what happens in Vegas?
09:54Mr. Gum, is it true you've called for the head of the Pope?
09:57I think religion can bring meaning to some people's lives.
10:03Oh, Mr. O'Raviolio, can you please turn the TV to literally anything else?
10:08Oh, you'd like that, wouldn't you?
10:10You atheist, the devil worshipper!
10:12Pah!
10:12I may swing wildly between being Irish and Italian, but either way, I'm a humorless Catholic.
10:18Now get out!
10:19You know what?
10:20Fine.
10:21I tried to do it normal this time.
10:23I really did.
10:23You want a godless villain?
10:25You got one.
10:28Okay, the Bart Simpson gambit didn't go so great.
10:31No way to see that coming.
10:33What else are people impressed by, I see?
10:35Of course, dating.
10:36I'll just introduce him to my girlfriend.
10:40Say, Kevin, have you met my girlfriend?
10:44Mrs. Married Woman, that's good.
10:46Now, to complete the surname.
10:50Doubt Blu-Ray?
10:51Mrs. Doubt Blu-Ray, she's coming by to pick up this bag of shredder trimmings and this pantsuit
10:57from Sheila's Dry Cleaning and this red makeup that she loaned Irene.
11:03Why, I think I hear her coming now.
11:07Oh, God!
11:08My eyes!
11:10It's been going into my brain!
11:12My memories are turning red!
11:14Ah!
11:20Poor kid.
11:21If cool kids can't save him, what can?
11:29Whippets!
11:29So sophisticated and adult.
11:33Being a magician is a good career choice.
11:36You're unbelievable!
11:38Of course!
11:39I'm a genius!
11:40It wasn't the cool kids, it was the cool drugs!
11:45Oh, hey, bucko.
11:47Want an edible?
11:49These things make you feel amazing.
11:51And also like you're in trouble.
11:54No thank you.
11:55No thank you?
11:57What's wrong with you, kid?
11:58These are free drugs we're trying to give you!
12:00Woo!
12:01God, Zarnit!
12:02I call to the stand, Reverend White.
12:06Reverend, could God create a boulder so big even he couldn't move it?
12:11Of course he could!
12:13Well then, he's not exactly all powerful if he can't move the boulder, is he?
12:20Uh, he isn't!
12:21He can't!
12:22How do you know the forbidding question?
12:26For my next witness, I call to the stand a flying spaghetti unicorn monster.
12:32No!
12:34That was great.
12:35We might actually win this.
12:37Yeah, another 300 years of intense religious debate and we might just win this custody hearing.
12:43Here we go.
12:44Lincoln Gum!
12:46Terry Gross!
12:47National Public Radio!
12:49How does it feel to be the newest liberal firebrand a la Clarence?
12:53Stero Gloria, Steinem or Moo Moo the Whale Who Drowns Millionaires?
12:58Elite liberal firebrand?
13:01Moi?
13:03Terry Nasty!
13:05Terry Gross' Disgusting Alter Ego!
13:08National Pubic Radio!
13:10How's it feel to be the most dope ass turd with the biggest dick at the piss party?
13:15Uh, yeah.
13:16I think I'm gonna like being an atheist.
13:19You're unbelievable!
13:20I just have a hard time believing in an old man with a beard who lives in the clouds.
13:26What powers the house?
13:27Lightning?
13:28Probably.
13:29I'm like a gum atheist lawyer.
13:33A-M-A.
13:38Toads.
13:42Of course religion has its place in gospel music and Star Wars.
13:47But I have a message for anybody with faith in their hearts.
13:51Do try to keep up.
13:52The adults are talking.
13:55That's the funniest thing I've ever heard.
13:58And I'm married to John Krasinski.
14:00You're unbelievable!
14:02My heaven question is, can terrible no-god man, Lincoln Gum, ever get into heaven?
14:07No, right?
14:09Well, God preaches forgiveness.
14:10Due to Mr. Gum's ongoing lawsuit, we legally cannot answer any questions about God or heaven or the Bible.
14:18No!
14:19But rest assured, we're gonna win!
14:22And my son will once again climb the stairway to heaven when he buys...
14:29One ticket to paradise!
14:32Of course!
14:33We've been overthinking it.
14:35Nothing can touch the high of basic adolescent rebellion against a crappy parent.
14:38And this guy sucks!
14:40Every kid wants to tell adults to go to hell!
14:42Yeah!
14:43You're right!
14:44Hey, Sheila!
14:45Go to hell, ya butt queen!
14:46Butt queen.
14:49How did I not win MTV Spring Break Butt Queen 98?
14:55Okay.
14:55I'm gonna just be real with him.
14:57Bye.
14:58Caduce!
14:59Look at my perfect butt!
15:04Back in a second, big man.
15:08Hello again.
15:10Where are your, uh, cool clothes?
15:12I got rid of the costume.
15:13Did you?
15:15Look, I know you've been onto me from the start.
15:17I just legit think your dad sucks and should go to hell, which, I get it.
15:21Mine does too.
15:22You don't need to die over it.
15:24He is what he is.
15:25I am just lucky to have another, more caring father watching out for me.
15:29Damn, you really aren't scared.
15:30Yea, though I walk through the shadow of the valley, I am open carrying and shall stand mine ground.
15:37And Irene, for what it's worth, my dad does suck and will go to hell.
15:40One ticket to paradise!
15:44God bless you, Irene.
15:45In another life, you might have made a good wife for me.
15:48Yo, what?
15:52He's uncorruptible.
15:53Oh!
15:54I just saw a rat get hit with a car and not explode.
15:57Your Honor, for my last witness, I'd like to call Dilterton Timble to the stand.
16:04Tell me, Dilterton, since you seem to have all the answers, if God is real, why doesn't he just strike
16:10me down?
16:11Uh, well, he's a God of peace.
16:14Shut up and admit it.
16:15God's not real.
16:16I'm the king of atheists.
16:18I can taunt stupid God all I want and nothing.
16:23Ow!
16:24Objection!
16:25He attacked me!
16:26Your Honor, since God is busy protecting the troops, he sent me to strike this man down.
16:33Overruled.
16:34Checkmate atheist.
16:35Boy, oh boy.
16:36I cannot wait to email this story to my extended family who do not talk to me.
16:41I don't have all the answers.
16:43God does.
16:44That's why I need to die and go get them.
16:47Otherwise, God's plan is unknowable.
16:49That's convenient.
16:51No, it's inconvenient.
16:52The hardest thing God asks of his children is to have faith while he appears absent.
16:57And throughout centuries of silence, billions still believe.
17:00You know, your mom is in heaven, Lincoln.
17:02Are you saying you don't believe in that?
17:08This is so awesome!
17:10I don't believe in God, but I believe I'll try.
17:14This kid's a freak.
17:15It's true.
17:16You can't crack him.
17:17It's up to you to win in court.
17:19I can't.
17:20He beat me.
17:21It's over.
17:21I'm having a crisis of non-faith.
17:24God is real and he hates me.
17:28Hey, take it outside, pal.
17:40I'm just saying, what's the point of doing anything if there's an eternal paradise awaiting us ruled by a supreme
17:47being who loves us unconditionally?
17:49Oh, this again.
17:51You know, everyone's so hung up on heaven and hell.
17:55Well, yeah?
17:56Look, dude.
17:57There's probably no afterlife.
17:59I mean, think about it.
18:00You'd get bored of torturing someone who betrayed you like after four days, right?
18:05And God is way smarter than you.
18:07I was a gifted kid.
18:09And at the same time, would you want to spend all eternity with people who dedicated their lives to you?
18:14It'd be horrible.
18:15Have you seen a Q&A with a director?
18:17My God.
18:19If the afterlife mattered, why would we even be here?
18:23God probably wants you to care about the sound of a dog's laugh or, like, the people you meet in
18:29life or some dumb crap like that.
18:31The people we meet in life.
18:33Like Sheila.
18:34You're right.
18:35She's way more important than God.
18:37Thanks, Father.
18:42Yes?
18:43Oh, Mr. Pope.
18:45Fired!
18:47Sheila, you were right from the beginning.
18:49I know what we have to do.
18:52Destroy Dilterton's humble to save him.
18:54To save him.
18:55Deborah, are you okay with us tearing this all down?
18:57Anything to save my son.
18:59Then, Sheila, you think you can do a big, stupid atheist trick to disprove God?
19:04Duh.
19:04Lincoln, I need a car battery.
19:06Irene, I need you to dig up a ton of dirt on the following people.
19:10Faith is a deeply personal thing.
19:13And who am I to tell anybody what faith they may or may not pursue?
19:18Me, that's who!
19:20Hit it, Sheila!
19:23Why can you see my diligence?
19:29This woman is dead.
19:32But check this shit out.
19:35I just spent 20 seconds in heaven and it's nothing like Dilerton described it.
19:39There's no golden throne.
19:41There's no chalices of Mountain Dew coat heaven.
19:44You have no proof, haven't I?
19:47Juror number four.
19:48Your twin was there.
19:49The one that was absorbed in the womb.
19:51And she's pissed.
19:53Juror number nine.
19:54Your childhood dog, Buckles, was up there.
19:56He saw you going to bed without brushing your teeth.
19:58It was the perfect crime!
20:00Oh, please.
20:00This proves nothing.
20:02Oh, God had a lot to say about you.
20:04Said he'd never met you.
20:06But that just seemed like a real virgin.
20:08And that your story is...
20:09Unbelievable.
20:11Whoa!
20:12The dog did the last one!
20:15Lincoln Gum is a lying agent of Satan.
20:20What?
20:21He seduced me away from the church with promises of sexual ecstasy and his vast reserves of atheist gold.
20:28Deborah, what the hell are you doing? We were winning.
20:31Oh, your little stunt, learning the jury's secrets to fake a God encounter, was enough to snap me back to
20:38my senses.
20:39Because you hate God!
20:42That's not true.
20:43I don't hate God.
20:44Stenographer, read back a quote of Lincoln's at random.
20:48I hate God so much, Lincoln Gum number one God-hater supreme.
20:52That shouldn't count.
20:53That was from earlier.
20:54I've heard enough.
20:55Divorce dismissed.
20:56God is real.
20:58Dilterton, when you see him, please tell him I said.
21:01What's up?
21:03Yes, sir.
21:04So this was all for nothing?
21:06Uh, hey, it's not all bad.
21:08At least you were able to get over your fundamentalist upbringing.
21:11Fundamentalist upbringing?
21:12What the hell are you talking about?
21:24You're unbelievable.
21:26My parents didn't want me to be a Christian.
21:27They wanted me to be a boring lab technician with a 401k.
21:31But your memories.
21:32I was having those privately.
21:34Okay, Glenn.
21:35It's time to pull out all the stops.
21:37How old is Kevin?
21:3920s?
21:40What do young people like?
21:42Uh, the woke culture.
21:44You need to do something so unbelievably woke
21:46that they'll be writing about it in the history books for years.
21:50And a one, and a two, and you know what to do.
22:01Hey, I know I'm a demon.
22:03I just have some paperwork I need you to sign.
22:06You got a lot of nerve coming in here.
22:08Leave us.
22:11God says have a seat.
22:14You played your part beautifully, Lincoln.
22:16I was right to pick you.
22:17But your parents?
22:18They do as they're told.
22:21God says I called the shots in this family.
22:24And I say it's time for a movie.
22:26Wait, what are you talking about?
22:28True immortality.
22:30The silver screen.
22:32Bofo box office.
22:33But to get that, I needed a good story.
22:36A true story.
22:38One of an evil lawyer trying to, I don't know,
22:42prove in a court of law that there's no God.
22:45I...
22:46But you gave yourself over to the role of liberal boogeyman so easily.
22:51Don't you see?
22:52When there was one set of footprints, that's when I was directing you.
22:56No matter who's waiting after we die, I'm your God, Lincoln Gum.
23:01Now leave me.
23:01I just found out about jacking off.
23:07God told me he needs me to tell people what I saw in heaven.
23:11His throne.
23:12The Camaro.
23:13All of it.
23:14Just be brave, son.
23:16The world hates people like us.
23:18People who believe.
23:20And they'll fight us with everything they've got.
23:22Your honor, the evidence is clear.
23:24The boy is lying.
23:27God is dead.
23:29I miss mom.
23:30We'll get her back.
23:32With faith.
23:33In heaven, I played paintball with Princess Diana.
23:36Yeah.
23:39But I don't wanna get divorced.
23:41Why, you think God's gonna be mad at you?
23:43No, I used to be like you, and then God killed my mom
23:46and put chemical burns all over my penis.
23:49Why would God do something like that if she was real?
23:52Family is all that matters.
23:56Stop.
23:56All that matters is making everyone as miserable as me.
23:59Lincoln Gum.
24:01Right, Glenn?
24:03Hot clams.
24:04Oh, my God.
24:06Can you read that?
24:08Stop, stop.
24:13Stop.
24:17No, no, no.
24:20No.
24:20Why don't you say under oath what we all already know, Dilderton,
24:25God doesn't even reel?
24:26No.
24:28I won't say that.
24:29I'll never say that.
24:32Because God does reel.
24:34God Does Real
24:37Rated PG for Praise God
24:38Guiding soon to a theater near God
24:41Feels like I should fight this?
24:43Telegram, royalty check for Lincoln Gum
24:45For ten million dollars
24:46The film will give the people hope
24:49Wait, wasn't this all to stop that kid
24:51From killing himself on stage?
24:52That was a con to sell a movie
24:54I'm sure he's somewhere laughing at us
24:59Dilterton Timble is with God
25:02He'll be right back any second
25:05Right, Doc?
25:07Keep your seats, everyone
25:11Any second now
25:16Goodbye, baby
25:17Not now, the big bopper
25:46I'm sorry, baby
25:46I'm sorry, baby
25:48I'm sorry, baby
25:51I'm sorry, baby
25:52I'm sorry, baby
25:52I'm sorry, baby
25:52I'm sorry, baby
25:52I'm sorry, baby
25:52I'm sorry, baby
26:05Chirp.
27:00Chirp.
27:14Chirp.
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