- 2 days ago
Category
😹
FunTranscript
00:00Yes! Oh, great and mighty grand champion? Is there something you need?
00:04Can I carry your weapon? Shine your boots? Back rub, perhaps?
00:08Welcome to MojoPlays, and today we're looking over both the playable characters and NPCs in gaming who offered nothing.
00:15And more often than not, brought down the experience.
00:19Not my coolest moment, okay? I was confused. I thought I was doing the best thing for the galaxy.
00:25Hey, you were doing the best thing for you.
00:27Nobody asked you, solitary Bill.
00:29Before we begin, we publish new content all week long.
00:33So, be sure to subscribe and ring the bell to get notified about our latest videos.
00:39Hollow Knight
00:49Despite getting on in years and having no combat experience to speak of, this grumpy bug still thinks he's the
00:55main character.
00:56Always leaping into the dangerous dens of Hallownest, and always getting caught in a deathly scenario.
01:03Whether you save him or not is up to you, but rest assured, Zote will perish without your continued intervention.
01:09Just don't expect any word of thanks along the way.
01:11The only time he does pose a challenge is as the Great Prince in a boss fight.
01:16But even then, that's a Fangirl's dream version of Zote made manifest.
01:20One that is quickly dashed upon repeated encounters.
01:41A zombie apocalypse brings all kinds of people together, not all of them good and most ill-equipped to handle
01:47the ravenous hordes of the undead.
01:49And then you've got Ben.
01:51The guy is well-meaning, but holy Clementine, everything he does just seems to escalate every situation.
01:58Accidentally letting in more zombies, leading raiders to the camp, on and on it went.
02:03To the point where the game even gives you the option to drop him to his death.
02:15Fallout 3
02:17And was our so-called hero scared?
02:19You bet he was.
02:21He cried like a little baby.
02:23Wah wah wah.
02:24Try not to be too shocked, but there are a lot of escort mission participants on this list.
02:30Hailing from little Lamplight, Sticky is kicked out of his commune as per their lore when he comes of age.
02:35And has to mosey on down to Big Town to find shelter.
02:38Guess who's stuck escorting him?
02:40Maybe it wouldn't be so bad if Sticky didn't happily walk into gunfire or across our carefully laid out mines
02:47during every combat encounter.
02:49But he does.
02:51The worst part has to be how he just refuses to shut up.
02:55To the extent there's even a speech check that tells him to zip it.
02:59There it is! We're almost there! Come on! Yippee!
03:03Slippy Toad, Star Fox Series
03:07It's too hot! I can't take it anymore!
03:10We can appreciate the loyalty and the willingness to fly into the fray of intergalactic battles, but we still think
03:17it's high time Slippy found a new career.
03:20Between his poor piloting skills and consistently needing to be rescued by Fox, this amphibian becomes more of a detriment
03:26than an asset during cosmic firefights.
03:28After the umpteenth time of having to barrel roll to the rescue and save Slippy's slippery hide, even the most
03:35patient of R-Wing aces will be calling for his pilot license to be revoked.
03:39I'm monkey food if I don't leave!
03:42Baby Mario, Super Mario World 2, Yoshi's Island
03:52From the outset, hating on an infant isn't the best look, we get it.
03:57But there's still no denying the frustration we felt every time Baby Mario was knocked off Yoshi's back, leading to
04:03a desperate scramble to recover him before he got kidnapped by the Koopa, leaving us to wallow in a game
04:08over.
04:09As far as platformers and collectathons go, Yoshi's Island is a classic, but that doesn't make having to constantly play
04:16babysitter any less of a chore when we're hunting for red coins.
04:27Robin, Batman Arkham City
04:29Call him Oz.
04:32I can take her.
04:34Stand down.
04:38As we all know, the Dark Knight is put through the ringer during his time locked away in this city
04:43-sized prison, having to not only deal with criminals and supervillains around every corner, but also his own rapidly deteriorating
04:49health, courtesy of Joker's Venom.
04:52Sure would be nice if he had some kind of sidekick who could help him out, right?
04:56We can't put the blame entirely on Robin here, since Batman insists on doing everything solo, but given the size
05:03of the Bat family and their resources, there would still likely be space for the Boy Wonder to help out.
05:08He finds out then and there his mentor's blood has been poisoned, leaps away, and doesn't show up for the
05:13rest of the game.
05:14We know that Batman always gets the final say, but come on Tim, help the poor guy out.
05:20You know where I am.
05:21I know.
05:22Now go.
05:25The Adoring Fan.
05:27The Elder Scrolls IV.
05:28Oblivion.
05:29By Azura!
05:30By Azura!
05:31By Azura!
05:31It's the Grand Champion!
05:33I can't believe it's you standing here next to me!
05:38The Elder Scrolls companions aren't what you would call the most competent, but at the very least they make for
05:43good fodder who can slice up the occasional Daedra while you complete the quest.
05:47And then you've got The Adoring Fan.
05:50After you become champion of the arena, this devotee to your awesomeness will appear as an optional ally.
05:56Yes, he's incredibly creepy with no concept of boundaries.
06:00But what's even worse is that he's helpless in battle.
06:03No swords, no spells, he'll just flail his arms at the nearest threat.
06:08Hence why so many have taken the liberty to end The Fan in a variety of creative ways over the
06:13years.
06:14See what hero worship gets you.
06:23Captain Quark.
06:25Ratchet and Clank series.
06:26Greetings new fish.
06:28I'm Captain Quark.
06:31I don't believe it.
06:33You're here.
06:34I used to dream of being arrested by you.
06:37Now get out of here.
06:38Don't get us wrong.
06:39Ratchet and Clank wouldn't be anywhere near as entertaining if not for the bumbling antics of Copernicus Leslie Quark.
06:46His uselessness is his greatest strength.
06:48He's been an antagonist, a nuisance, and an ally across the franchise.
06:53Posing as the definitive intergalactic superhero who can easily be brought out by corporations,
06:59his bluster and bravado have often hindered more than helps when it came to aiding our favourite lombax and robot
07:05duo.
07:06But he never failed to get a laugh out of us, so good on you Quark.
07:09Do you have a problem with unwanted hair?
07:11Is painful itching in your nether regions causing you undue embarrassment?
07:15Do you just plain stink?
07:18Paimon Genshin Impact.
07:20Weasel thief hereby bequeath on my mora.
07:26Two hundred ghosts to my pa.
07:30Aww, what an adorable anime, fairy, thing.
07:34We're sure something so fluffy and sweet will prove itself to be endlessly helpful and in no way become the
07:40bane of our existence.
07:42Right?
07:42Alas, the only thing worse than Genshin's predatory gacha practices is Paimon.
07:47If only for the fact that she is sooo annoying.
07:52A quirky quip here, a useless piece of trivia there, a needless comment on top of that,
07:57Paimon has done nothing to help her negative image over the years,
08:00while other sidekicks in other gacha games have vastly overshadowed her.
08:05No, for the last time Paimon is not emergency food!
08:10Algernon.
08:11Bully.
08:12So, you're the new kid huh?
08:14Everyone is talking about you.
08:16Oh are they?
08:17And what are they saying?
08:18Uh, nothing.
08:19It's not easy rising up through a school's hierarchy, especially when the students and faculty border on the psychotic.
08:27One of the quote on quote allies that Jimmy meets during the wild west that is Bulwerth Academy is Algernon,
08:33the embodiment of exaggerated geekdom.
08:36Over the course of the game, if he's not sending you on fetch quests and escort missions, he's getting into
08:41trouble and needing to be bailed out, offering you nothing in return.
08:45And he STILL has the nerve to turn against Jimmy during the game's ending stages.
08:50Should have left him to the jocks.
08:53We're a bit above helping people like you.
08:56I mean get real, duh!
08:58P-stain!
09:00Now you need my help.
09:01Mel.
09:02The Lord of the Rings.
09:04Gollum.
09:04Another one?
09:06Very well.
09:07This one's easy.
09:09You look like me, I can't deny.
09:12If you don't look, neither do I.
09:14To be fair to this visually impaired elf, every character in this abysmal game is useless in one way or
09:20another.
09:21We can't list this version of Gollum, sadly, but we can certainly roast the next worst thing.
09:26As a guide, as a weird pseudo-loving crest, and as a character, Mel is just a failure of an
09:32elf.
09:33Someone who seeks Gollum's help to act as her eyes to escape her prison.
09:36Too bad she lacks the wisdom to notice that the spindly creature is a broken, obsessive liar.
09:42All of Tolkien's world got wasted in this adaptation, but this elf especially showcases how poor the writing is.
09:56The Citadel Council, Mass Effect series.
10:00We've read the Eden Prime reports, Ambassador.
10:03The testimony of one traumatized dock worker is hardly compelling proof.
10:08I resent these accusations. Nihilus was a fellow spectre, and a friend.
10:14Galactic bureaucracy at its finest.
10:16As the representatives of the Turians, Salarians, and Asari, the counselors craft and control the highest level of politics in
10:23Citadel space.
10:24Too bad they aren't as well versed in common sense.
10:27Due to their prejudice against humanity, they fail to recognize Seren's betrayal in the first game.
10:33Then in the sequel, despite mounting evidence and Shepard's pleas to unify and prepare for the invasion of the Reapers,
10:39they disregard it as fantasy.
10:42The results? An unprepared galaxy, billions of casualties, and a whole lot of egg on their faces.
10:48Good luck with your investigation, Shepard. We hope for a quick resolution, and a quick end to your relationship with
10:54Cerberus.
10:58Well, that went better than expected.
11:00Fine.
11:01The Legend of Zelda, Skyward Sword.
11:17Look, no matter how much they annoy us, we can't deny that Navi from Ocarina of Time is somewhat useful.
11:23Even if their constant cries of,
11:25Hey! Listen!
11:26Drives us towards a breakdown.
11:28Fi, on the other hand, is basically a non-character.
11:31The so-called embodiment of the Master Sword's sole purpose throughout Link's journey seems to be letting him know that
11:37his health is low.
11:38The environment is hazardous, and other needless bits of know-how.
11:42When you're playing second fiddle to Ezlo in terms of characterization, you know you're done goofed.
11:47This is bloody, bloody process.
11:58Natalia, GoldenEye 007.
12:10The multiplayer aspect of this game remains unsurpassed, while its single player campaign is also a ton of fun.
12:17Save for the part where you have to protect this particular Bond girl.
12:20Then the whole thing becomes double-
12:23OH GOD WILL YOU PLEASE STOP WALKING INTO GUNFIRE NATALIA!
12:26Players who attempt to escort her through the control and bunker levels will find themselves stunned by her general lack
12:32of self-preservation.
12:33Often stepping out in front of your scope, and subsequently getting peppered by bullets.
12:38GoldenEye had so much going for it back in the day.
12:41Comprehensive AI without a death wish was not one of them.
12:53Princess Elise, Sonic the Hedgehog.
12:56Looks like we've lost them.
12:58I'll settle things here.
13:02Elise, you should go back to the castle.
13:04Okay.
13:05There are plenty of Sonic side characters we like to pretend don't exist,
13:09and right at the top is this human member of royalty.
13:13We want to emphasize the human part given how the only contribution she made to the franchise was bringing Sonic,
13:19Sonic the Hedgehog, back to life with a kiss.
13:24It is as weird and out of place as you'd expect.
13:27Made all the worse by how the rest of her personality is essentially a void.
13:32Fans like to clown on Sonic Unleashed and Sonic and the Secret Rings a lot,
13:36but at least they didn't have him locking lips with a teenage princess.
13:41Elise, smile.
13:46Moneybags, Spyro the Dragon series.
13:49Hi Spyro.
13:50You must be tougher than you look to get here.
13:53All the same, you won't be able to get past the metal sharks up ahead.
13:57I suppose I could let you borrow my submarine though, for a modest fee of course.
14:01Money grubbing is more like it, on account that this bear loves nothing more than to block off your progress
14:07unless you pay a hefty toll of gems.
14:10If you haven't been scouring the landscape, then you're going to come up short when Moneybags decides to act as
14:15a gatekeeper,
14:16denying you access not only to new areas in various levels, but also new abilities.
14:22We get our own back in the end, sure, but for 90s kids, this was their first time learning the
14:27horror of taxes.
14:28Fine, the head bash may help you out on some tasks that were impossible before.
14:33Remember, just jump, then triangle.
14:36Good luck!
14:37Magikarp.
14:38Pokemon series.
14:45Let's be honest here.
14:46The only reason that anyone went out of their way to capture this fish is because they knew that it
14:51would eventually evolve into a Gyarados.
14:53No one in their right mind would ever go out of their way to train up a Magikarp otherwise.
14:58It starts off knowing the move Splash, which does zero damage.
15:03Even if you put in the time and effort to teach it new techniques, the plethora of superior water Pokemon
15:08across all generations render Magikarp moot by comparison.
15:30The poster girl for Agonizing Escort Missions, Ashley Graham in the original RE4 was damn near insufferable.
15:38When she wasn't getting kidnapped by the infected zealots, she was wandering into traps and basically doing everything in her
15:45power to get herself killed.
15:48Pair that with a one dimensional personality and endless shrieking for Leon, and it's no wonder she accumulated so much
15:54animosity.
15:56We're just glad the remake did a hell of a job in redefining her character and adding some much needed
16:01like ability.
16:11Ninja Gaiden 2.
16:24Presented as a capable CIA agent who's quick on the draw, after her introduction, in which she snipes down a
16:30couple of black spider ninja, any agency Sonya had gets flushed away almost instantly.
16:35The number of times she gets captured would make Princess Peach blush, going from a badass to a literal damsel
16:42in distress.
16:43Who at one point gets trapped in a cage, complete with much more revealing garments.
16:48In a game where you have the likes of Rachel, who slaughters demons by the hundreds by her lonesome,
16:54it's hard not to look at Sonya as anything other than a piece of eye candy for Ryu to perpetually
16:59save from danger.
17:08Tofu Boy.
17:09Super Meat Boy.
17:18There might never be a more useless character in all of gaming, and that is by design.
17:24After getting into an altercation with the much maligned organisation Peter, who went out of their way to make their
17:30own rip off titled Super Tofu Boy,
17:32the creators of the original decided to get their own back.
17:35Input a certain code into the character selection screen, and you'll unlock Tofu Boy,
17:41a character who makes beating the game impossible due to how weak his jumps are.
17:46While certain glitches and tricks can be utilised to overcome a couple of the levels,
17:51you cannot ace the game as this character.
17:53Now that's how you hold a grudge.
18:02Which video game character do you think offers nothing of substance?
18:06Let us know in the comments.
Comments