- 21 hours ago
Saturday Night Live UK Season 1 Episode 2
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00:03In 1997, MI5's top agents gathered in Thames House for a secret meeting.
00:10This is that meeting.
00:19Director, Prince Andrew is here for his briefing.
00:22Your Majesty, thank you.
00:23I came as soon as I could.
00:25Thank you, Your Majesty.
00:26We appreciate that with the recent passing of Diana, this is a difficult time for the family.
00:39She was such a beautiful woman.
00:42Prince Andrew, no one knows better than us how charming, capable, fiercely intelligent and morally upstanding you are.
00:50You are a credit to princes everywhere.
00:54You're too kind.
00:55Since the death of Diana, the public have turned on Prince Charles.
00:59But still, one day he will be king.
01:01We need to make him look good.
01:03There's no easy way to say this, Your Highness.
01:06We have deduced that the only way to increase the likability of our future king
01:10is to decrease the likability of everyone around him.
01:17I see.
01:18Well, I love my brother, I love my country, and I'm willing to do whatever it takes.
01:23We hoped you'd say that.
01:25We have prepared a 29-year plan.
01:30To slowly, but surely, make the entire country think you are a...
01:34Well, have a little read.
01:42Huh.
01:46It's, uh...
01:48Hmm.
01:50Huh.
01:51We're aware it's a lot.
01:53And you actually want me to do all of this stuff?
01:57Sadly, yes.
01:59Even the part about befriending a notorious paedophile?
02:03That's an important part of it, yeah.
02:06Before and after he's convicted.
02:09Right, okay.
02:10Of course.
02:10And there's absolutely no other way to make my brother look good.
02:14Well, we're also going to push an environmental angle for him,
02:16but it will be half-arsed.
02:20This all seems very high-risk.
02:22God, I'm sweating.
02:25Of course you are, Andrew.
02:27Of course you are.
02:29Surely you can't make everyone around Charles unlikable.
02:32I mean, what about William?
02:33He's so handsome.
02:35We're seeing to that.
02:39And Harry?
02:40He's going to marry a woman 98% of the UK public
02:44will find it impossible to have a normal conversation about.
02:48Oh, heavens.
02:49I'm afraid this will kill mummy when the news comes out.
02:52Turn to page 72, it will.
02:56Gosh.
02:57I'm afraid of doing this alone.
02:59Isn't there anyone in government who can go on this journey with me?
03:03Send in Agent Maddelson.
03:08Gentlemen.
03:10Peter Maddelson.
03:12The most honourable, ethical politician we have.
03:16No one will believe he's corruptible.
03:19I'm sorry, Andrew.
03:20The responsibility on our shoulders is more than any man can bear.
03:25And are people going to think you did all this stuff?
03:27Kind of.
03:31Well, for Britain, I'm in.
03:34I'm in too.
03:35Oh, Fergie.
03:38Sorry I'm late.
03:40What do you need?
03:41Nothing, Fergie.
03:42You've done so much already.
03:46What's she doing here?
03:47We got divorced a year ago.
03:49Agent Ferguson has been on the payroll since 86.
03:52You wouldn't believe how good she's made you guys look by comparison.
03:56I know, and I know I can do more.
03:59Go further.
04:00Be more odd.
04:02I could drop more nudes.
04:04Suck more toes.
04:06Make my walk even weirder.
04:13The one thing that might help is if you stay by Andrew's side.
04:17Live with him, without explanation, for the next 29 years.
04:22Sure, I'm going to do that anyway.
04:25And remember, your highness, if you're ever in too deep, just say the code word and we'll step in to
04:30save you.
04:31What's the code word?
04:33Pizza.
04:34Express.
04:36Woking.
04:39I'm not sure how I'd ever fit that into a conversation, but I'll make it sound as natural as possible.
04:46Good man, good man.
04:47Well, here goes nothing.
04:49Gentlemen, thank you.
04:52And say goodbye to the man you know and love.
04:55I'll see you in 2026, where I can finally hold my head up high and say...
05:00Live from London, it's Saturday Night Live!
05:11It's Saturday Night Live!
05:16With...
05:19Hammond EÈNESHÄRN!
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05:32Larry Dean!
05:39Celeste Drigg!
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09:31y personal friend, Chris O'Dowd.
09:43Yeah, couldn't help but notice that you're showing off
09:46your spud rocks again, you pebble flag.
09:53Seriously, Chris, do you really have to turn up
09:56in the middle of everything I do and ruin it?
09:58Is that what you want to do?
09:59Seems that maybe I do have to do that, Jamie.
10:05OK, I don't really, I mean, what do you want?
10:08Well, you are the man who's got everything, huh?
10:11But maybe you don't have everything.
10:14Maybe you're missing a little something.
10:20You've swapped one of my rocks for a potato?
10:22Yes, I did do that for some reason.
10:25And here's the best bit, huh?
10:29Smell it.
10:32I'm not going to smell it.
10:34Smell my spud, darn it.
10:39Yeah, that's right, it's not even Irish.
10:44It's just domestic slap.
10:46OK, right, I'm sorry, I'm going to have to deal with this.
10:49We've got a great one for you tonight.
10:51Wolf Alas are here.
10:52So stick around, enjoy the show.
10:54Right, come on now, give me a fart fart now.
11:05Hola amigos, we out here in Bristol airport and we are going to España.
11:12España.
11:12The most beautiful place in the world.
11:15A country of art, culture and culinary delights.
11:18And when we get there, there's only one place we're going to go.
11:23Wow.
11:27Celebrations.
11:28Pop, pop, pop, pop.
11:30Just like Britain, but in Spain.
11:32It's the British theme.
11:33Pop, pop, pop, pop.
11:35It's run by Gary and Jane.
11:37It's the British theme.
11:38Pop, pop, pop, pop.
11:40Newcastle shirt in a frame of the British theme.
11:43Pop, pop, pop, pop, pop.
11:45Yeah, yeah.
11:46It's the British theme.
11:47I know a place that I've got to get to.
11:50Package holiday, flying jet two.
11:52Three Euro beer, two Euro shot.
11:54It's just like the pub by my house, but hot.
11:57Alicante, Mallorca and Benidorm.
11:59I don't want to speak Spanish in any form.
12:02England football shirt in my carry-on.
12:04So everybody knows I'm also from where they are from.
12:08Everything we need, menus we can read.
12:10On a big screen, they've got West Ham leads.
12:13Come on!
12:14Sexing while we Brexit in the Spanish in my lexicon.
12:17I'm wearing a sombrero, even though D.C.'s a Mexican.
12:19I'm at a last request and now we're sexing.
12:21No protection.
12:21Make a bunch of babies, bring me back to the British.
12:24Pop, pop, pop, pop, pop.
12:26We're in the Mediterranean.
12:28The British theme.
12:29Pop, pop, pop, pop, pop.
12:31And we don't speak Spanian.
12:34I'm gonna say import the walkers in my little pie here.
12:37That's where the pork is.
12:38HB.
12:39Worchester got all the sauces.
12:41Menu so extravagant, I'm having four courses.
12:43Eggs.
12:44And chips.
12:44Pasta.
12:45And chips.
12:45Fish fingers and a frozen garlic bread.
12:47And I'm having rings.
12:48Neal diamond tribute at playing the hits.
12:50Some burnt ladies are swinging the hips.
12:52Oh, we're going to a pizza.
12:56Me and all my chicas.
12:58To eat some chips and pizza.
13:01I know the British theme.
13:02Hop, hop, pop, pop, pop.
13:05I'm playing darts with Dada.
13:07A British theme.
13:07Hop, hop, hop, hop, hop.
13:09Why does Melissa look sad?
13:13Un año en yo lingo pa este viaje.
13:22I don't know what you're saying.
13:31What the f*** are you talking about?
13:33Don't just make up words.
13:35Guys, this isn't right.
13:36We've come all this way just to replicate our own culture.
13:40Like, surely we should at least broaden our horizon.
13:42She's right.
13:43We're too narrow-minded.
13:44There's got to be more to Spain than British-themed pubs.
13:46Hey.
13:49I know a kiss.
13:55Follow me.
13:58To the Irishies.
14:00Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho.
14:02Anything better than a British is an Irishies.
14:05Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho.
14:07Even though they are quite similar.
14:09Irishies, ho.
14:10Come on, you sexy mamas.
14:11I got the Irish tapas.
14:12Got no patatas bravas, but I got the plain patatas.
14:14From Dublin to Marbella.
14:15I've never tried paella.
14:16But I'm a lucky fella.
14:18Cause I own an Irishane pub.
14:20In speed.
14:24I don't know me.
14:25No, no.
14:30I don't know me.
14:32I don't know me.
14:33I don't know me.
14:34To the fave.
14:36I feel the one man's not a fighter.
14:43I'm a fucking monster.
14:45I can't believe that.
14:45I can't believe it.
14:45Yes.
14:47I can't believe it.
14:52I've got Amy, she's alive and she stays that way if you listen carefully.
14:57I need 250 grand in cash, so I guess how much do you care about your girlfriend?
15:06What?
15:07What?
15:08Hi, sorry.
15:12It's just we haven't really been saying girlfriend, boyfriend.
15:19Um, but I'm really comfortable with like everything else you said so far.
15:23Shut up, I'm warning you.
15:30I've got Amy, she's alive and if you want to see your friend...
15:34Oh, no, sorry.
15:38Just to clarify, we are seeing each other, like he's practically my boyfriend.
15:45Um, yeah, you got it.
15:47You go.
15:48Go, go, go, go, go, go.
15:53I've got Amy.
15:54She's alive.
15:55God, it would just literally kill me if you knew I was referring to him as my boyfriend.
16:05Okay, so you're sleeping together?
16:08Yeah, so basically we were friends first, um, and then we had this kiss, but it was just
16:16this like drunk thing, like we didn't even speak about it, which is like crazy.
16:20Like you would have thought like I'd have the confidence to like just bring it up, but like
16:24I'm not an extrovert like what everyone thinks, like...
16:28Like, I'm hesitant to join a conga line, for God's sake.
16:31So yeah, then like a few weeks later, we, um, we randomly slept together and then we just like
16:36kept sleeping together and then you put me in the boot of your car and now we're here.
16:40So like, what would you decide now?
16:46Listen, when I was watching you, both through the tiny crack in the wardrobe door,
16:55I thought you looked really comfortable together.
16:59Oh my God.
17:02Girl, thank you for saying, um, like, I don't know, like, we do know each other intimately
17:08and like, like, I could describe his handwriting to you.
17:13Oh my God.
17:15I'm so sorry, I don't know why I'm getting so upset.
17:18No, no, of course.
17:19I mean, this is an intense situation.
17:21I've got a gun.
17:23I know I should just like not care, but like, he's so fit, like,
17:27he's like a fit version of you.
17:30Yeah, I mean, hey, you don't have to tell me twice.
17:32You know, I, I saw him when I was creeping on you.
17:37Okay, like, you can like totally say if this is crazy, obviously, but like,
17:41do you think there's a way you could ask him where his head's at?
17:48Girl, I got to ask for the money anyway, so, of course.
17:53Um, just send it on my phone.
17:57Oh, I, I probably should have taken that off you before, huh?
18:01So what, I'll, I'll text him?
18:03Um, no, we're not married, just Instagram DM.
18:11I have Amy.
18:13I need to know.
18:14Do you care about her?
18:16Do you want her to be your girlfriend?
18:19Do you have other girls to fall back on if she goes missing?
18:23I mean, what are your hopes for the future?
18:26Like, do you even want to have kids?
18:28And once I know all that, I'll send through the demands.
18:36Oh my God!
18:37Are you so nervous?
18:38I know, like, what if he airs me?
18:41Hey, if he won't pay, if he won't pay 250 grand to stop me from chopping into little pieces,
18:46then he doesn't deserve you.
18:51Oh my God, he's typing.
18:55He stopped?
18:56Oh, should I send them another text?
18:57No, no, no, don't double text.
19:00Maybe we should upload an Instagram story of your little girl handing my boy hand.
19:04Oh my God, okay, it's genius.
19:06Oh my God, he sent a video.
19:08Mmm, mmm, mate.
19:10Yo, listen, I'm sorry that you are being held hostage like that and all that and all that stuff,
19:15but I just feel like I really need to be single right now.
19:20Obviously, like, if you do escape, then link me and then I can...
19:24Babe, I'm coming.
19:25Babe, oh my God.
19:26Oh my God, oh my God, I'm so sorry that's happened to you, babe.
19:33Babe, like, I'm sorry, this has happened to you, like, you clearly put so much work into, like,
19:38like, setting this whole thing up.
19:39No, it's like, so, so not on that I'm gonna have to kill you now.
19:43Babe, like, in the spirit of being direct, like, I have taken your gun!
19:49Okay!
19:51But I am gonna escape!
19:52Oh, she's the CEO of her own future!
19:56Oh!
20:00Promise me you won't go back to him.
20:02Babe, uh...
20:03I will.
20:04Ahh!
20:16I don't know.
20:18Sweetheart, it's one in the morning, what are you doing?
20:20Putting the clocks forward, Daddy.
20:22Daylight's saving time.
20:23If we don't change the clocks, tonight, he'll get us.
20:27Who's gonna get us, Eleanor?
20:28The Time Man.
20:29He waits for us at the end of every year and brings the new one in with song.
20:33He keeps the seasons in his pockets, the keeper of the clocks, the boogie woogie man.
20:38Jules Holland!
20:40It's just a myth, Eleanor.
20:42It's true!
20:43He brings the new year in with his hootenanny, and every spring he flies across the country
20:48to check that we've changed the clocks.
20:51And he's forgotten.
20:52He imprisons our souls in his boogie woogie wonderland.
20:55I know all the stories.
20:56Come on, let's get to bed, okay?
21:01It's too late.
21:03Who's here?
21:04Who?
21:04Ladies and gentlemen, Olivia D.
21:07Oh, no.
21:09Five.
21:10Four.
21:11Better change the clocks, I'm nearly here.
21:13Three.
21:14Two.
21:16Paloma face him later.
21:17One.
21:22Good evening, everybody.
21:23Have you had a good winter?
21:24Bring us to our credits.
21:26Jane Cullen's here.
21:31Josh Stone, everyone, playing a cut off her new album Supety-Balow.
21:35What's that for the clocks?
21:37He wants his hour.
21:38If we give him his hour, then he'll go.
21:40Oh, very good.
21:41Bang on time.
21:42Sting will be pleased.
21:50You forgot the oven!
21:52WHERE'S MY HOUR
21:58Big year for you dad, what's next?
22:00I think he wants an anecdote
22:03Does it have to be funny?
22:04Not really
22:05Tell the lovely people what's in store
22:09Dad's here everybody
22:10We love you
22:11We welcome you
22:11More jewels
22:12Well, I'm not called Jewel Holland am I?
22:15Ha ha!
22:17Jessie J?
22:18What did he do?
22:19I forgot to change the clocks on my DVD player
22:22Now the tools are my soul
22:24You don't give me my hour
22:27Why don't you join me in my boogie woogie wonderland
22:31Forever!
22:34How tendered?
22:39Dad?
22:41Losing hour
22:42Not your dad
22:43Keep your thoughts forward tonight
22:45Visit dub.uk.br
22:47For us last week
22:48Okay, just signing up guys
22:54This is the big moment
22:56Mother and son
22:57Reunited
22:58After years of war
22:59Okay?
23:00We've got some eye drops
23:00If you need help with the crying
23:02Or
23:03I'm happy to give it a go without
23:05Yeah, me too
23:05Okay, right
23:06Well, let's just go for one
23:08See what happens
23:09Yeah?
23:12The battle within
23:13The battle within
23:13Take one
23:16And
23:17Action
23:20Mother
23:21I'm home
23:28Oh, my son
23:31Oh, my son
23:33Oh, my son
23:38Oh, my son
23:40Oh, my son
23:43Oh, my son
23:47Oh, my son
23:48Oh, my son
23:49So it's her line
23:50Oh, sorry!
23:51Sorry!
23:52Yes, um, so Stella
23:54A little quicker in on the line
23:55Yes, quicker in on the line
23:55Yes, quicker in on the line
23:56Okay, great
23:56And remember
23:57You're a mother
23:58Being reunited with her son
23:59Okay?
24:01Yes
24:01Got it?
24:02Okay, rolling
24:04The battle within
24:05Take two
24:08And
24:09Action
24:12Mother
24:13I'm home
24:15Oh, my son
24:17Oh, my son
24:20Oh, my son
24:25I've dreamed of this day
24:28Do I seem very different?
24:31Well, um
24:32I need to
24:33Get a look at you to answer that
24:35Oh, my son
24:38You look the same as ever
24:40Oh, God
24:41I missed you, Mummy
24:43No, I
24:45I had the strangest time
24:46I met this old man
24:50Whoa!
24:51Whoa!
24:52Whoa!
24:53What's going on?
24:54Whoa!
24:54I don't think that's the story, love
24:56No, no, sorry
24:57No, sorry, I wasn't
24:58No, I was just leaning in
24:59To listen
25:00I was like, what are you saying?
25:02What are you saying, sir?
25:03Okay
25:04Yeah
25:04So Stella, you're playing his mother
25:06Yeah, yeah
25:07Okay
25:08Do you think, um
25:09The skirts may be like
25:10A little bit cinched
25:11For mum
25:11Yeah, I'm not worried about that
25:12Yeah, yeah, yeah
25:13Okay, we're losing time
25:14Michael, we really need to get that speech
25:16Are you happy to just go for it?
25:17Yeah, I'm ready
25:18Yeah, yeah, yeah
25:18Okay, Stella
25:19Just reactions from you
25:21Okay
25:21Okay
25:22Really almost nothing at all
25:23Yeah
25:23Okay, we're still rolling
25:25Alright
25:25Just reactions
25:26Okay
25:28Action
25:29I know I'm back
25:31I know I'm back
25:31In a sense
25:33I'm
25:34Not really here
25:35Mm-hmm
25:37The things I've seen
25:39Yeah
25:40The things I've done
25:41Oh
25:42Yeah
25:49Yeah
25:50Yeah
25:51Yeah
25:51Yeah
25:51Yeah
25:51Yeah
25:51Yeah
25:51Yeah
25:52Yeah
25:52I've done some bad things
25:53Oh, yes
25:55I mean, no
25:56Oh, no
25:57Oh, no
25:58Oh, no
25:58It keeps me up at night
26:00Oh
26:01All night long, son
26:04I did some terrible things in the war
26:07Oh, naughty
26:10You were so naughty in the war
26:13Cut
26:13Sorry, it's all right
26:14I'm sorry
26:15This is not working for me at all
26:17This is
26:17Get her out of here
26:18No, no, no, no, I can do it
26:19No, I can do it
26:20I can do it
26:21No, my son
26:21My sexy son
26:24They thought there was a chance this might happen
26:26So don't worry
26:27We've already got another actress lined up ready to go
26:29Come on
26:30Oh, my son
26:31Oh
26:32Oh
26:33Oh
26:34What is happening?
26:35No, wait
26:36I actually like this one
26:38OK, that's lunch, everyone
26:47Ladies and gentlemen, Wolf Ellis
27:00Let's get a break
27:01Let them go
27:01Let them go
27:07High
27:07Oh
27:09Oh
27:09Oh
27:09Oh
27:09Oh
27:09Oh
27:10Oh
27:10Oh
27:17¡Gracias!
27:45¡Gracias!
28:32¡Gracias!
28:43¡Gracias!
29:16¡Gracias!
30:08¡Gracias!
30:11¡Gracias!
30:48¡Gracias!
31:20¡Gracias!
31:21It's Weekend Update,
31:22with amateur Magalhão,
31:24and Paddy Young!
31:33Good evening
31:35and welcome to Weekend Update.
31:37I'm Paddy Young.
31:38And I'm Aniel Magliano.
31:40¡Gracias!
32:10Quote,
32:11Our first and last word
32:12from the very first day
32:14has been,
32:15is,
32:16and will remain.
32:17Someone like us
32:18will never come to terms
32:19with someone like you.
32:20Not now
32:21and not ever.
32:22Oh my God,
32:23just kiss already.
32:28Corey Edwards,
32:29a reform candidate in Wales,
32:30has stepped down
32:31after being photographed
32:32while appearing
32:33to do a Nazi salute.
32:35Reform leader Nigel Farage
32:36said it looks terrible.
32:37And he's right.
32:38The arm's too low,
32:39he's grinning.
32:41And where's the swastika?
32:42When did Nazis get so sloppy?
32:46Chancellor Rachel Reeves
32:47has indicated
32:48that millions of households
32:49will get no help
32:50from the government
32:51to pay soaring energy bills.
32:53Thanks, bitch.
32:58A US congressman
32:59has made a direct plea
33:00to Sarah Ferguson
33:01to testify about
33:03her close personal
33:04and business ties
33:05to Jeffrey Epstein.
33:06But to be fair to Fergie,
33:07she does have a full diary.
33:13Reports have revealed
33:15that in the upcoming
33:16musical adaptation
33:17of Trainspotting,
33:18the main character
33:19will be addicted
33:20not only to heroin,
33:22but also to social media.
33:24The show will premiere in July
33:26and is being directed
33:27by your Year 11 drama teacher.
33:31Leonid Ravinsky,
33:32the owner of OnlyFans,
33:33has died.
33:34So, gentlemen,
33:35when you're visiting
33:35the site this week,
33:37lower your penises
33:37to half-mass.
33:41Beautiful funeral,
33:43by the way.
33:43Wasn't a dry tissue
33:44in the house.
33:47And now,
33:48it seems like
33:49the whole world
33:50is at war.
33:51Russia and Ukraine,
33:52the Middle East,
33:53Chapel Rhone
33:53and that tiny girl.
33:56By the way,
33:56it was actually
33:57Sabrina Carpenter's bodyguard.
33:58But anyway,
33:59war.
34:00We could just keep
34:01making jokes about it,
34:02but first,
34:03we do want to check.
34:04Are you okay?
34:10This is Hand in Hand
34:11with Anya and Pad.
34:14We're here to tell you
34:15that it's going to be okay.
34:17Because we've got each other.
34:18World War III.
34:19Sounds scary, huh?
34:20But we've already had two.
34:22And don't...
34:24And don't they say
34:25good things come in threes?
34:26Good things can come from war.
34:29Antibiotics,
34:30jet engines,
34:31something to talk
34:31to your dad about.
34:33If London gets bombed,
34:35house prices will drop.
34:37And so will house numbers.
34:39We'll all get to live
34:40across the two houses
34:41that are left,
34:42like in Friends.
34:44It might sound scary
34:46to have missiles
34:46rain down on us,
34:47but look on the bright side.
34:49Stephen Bartlett
34:50might get his face blown off.
34:55And who's to say
34:56we won't come out on top?
34:58As a nation,
34:58we've beaten them all.
34:59The French,
35:00the Germans,
35:01foot and mouth.
35:03And sure,
35:04the bad guys might win
35:05and we end up
35:05speaking Ukrainian.
35:10But don't worry,
35:12we're in this together.
35:13We've got you.
35:14We've got each other.
35:15This has been Hand in Hand
35:16with Paddy and Anya.
35:25Research has found
35:27that pregnant women
35:27on the tube
35:28have to stand
35:29for an average
35:29of five stops
35:31before being offered a seat.
35:33It seems like a bit
35:33of basic social etiquette,
35:35but please,
35:36if you're watching men,
35:37wear a condom.
35:40Lux Maxine influencer
35:42Clavicula has been arrested
35:43and I'm sure
35:44he has no regrets
35:45about dedicating his life
35:46to making himself
35:47look like a beautiful
35:48young boy
35:49right before he was
35:50taken to jail.
35:54The former Tory
35:55Justice Minister
35:56Crispin Blunt
35:57has admitted to hosting
35:58chemsex parties
36:00and has been fined
36:01£1,200
36:02for possessing illegal drugs
36:04including crystal meth
36:05and the sedative GBL.
36:08I have to say,
36:09he looks surprisingly grumpy
36:10for someone who loves
36:10being jacked up on meth.
36:14Blunt told the court
36:15that he got involved
36:16in the chemsex party scene
36:17to help inform
36:18government policy.
36:21Blunt is set to publish
36:22his research
36:23in a parliamentary
36:24advisory paper
36:25entitled,
36:26Oh my God guys,
36:27you have to try chemsex.
36:29In his speech
36:30to the courts,
36:31Blunt called for all drugs
36:32to be legalised,
36:33but he acknowledged
36:34that the chemsex lifestyle
36:35did carry risks,
36:37like coming so hard
36:38you drop your poppers.
36:41Trust me,
36:41it happens.
36:43In lighter news,
36:45the town of Grantham
36:46in Lincolnshire
36:47has announced
36:47that it's reviving
36:48its medieval onion fair.
36:50The event on October 10th
36:52will see onion tastings,
36:54onion-themed street food,
36:55onion-flavoured drinks
36:56and an onion-eating competition.
36:57So if you're looking
36:58for something fun
37:01to do on October 10th,
37:02why not avoid Grantham?
37:05An AI-generated
37:07military influencer
37:08and foot fetish model
37:09has reached over
37:10a million followers
37:11on Instagram.
37:12There she is
37:13in her military-grade stilettos.
37:16Honestly,
37:17what kind of a sad,
37:18sexually frustrated loser
37:20would sit alone
37:20fantasising about her
37:22for hours in my bedroom
37:23last night?
37:25A new documentary
37:27reveals K-pop group
37:28BTS
37:29struggled to return to music
37:30after mandatory military service.
37:32So,
37:33did the stress of this
37:34overstimulate Jimin
37:35causing Sunflower spillover
37:36and micro-snap
37:38towards Jungkook?
37:39And what now?
37:40Will V's whimsical detours
37:41cause the deep-thinker RM
37:42to become overprotective?
37:44And what about
37:45the push-ball duo
37:45of Suga and J-Hope?
37:47Can Jin be the quiet stabiliser
37:49anchoring Jungkook
37:50with micro-bubble maintenance?
37:51Or will V use his whimsy shield
37:53to offset bubble drift
37:54and soften Jimin
37:55with mirror gestures?
37:57No idea.
37:59I've never even heard of BTS.
38:03A new report
38:04has said that birth rates
38:06in the UK are falling
38:07and for a change,
38:08us girls are getting
38:09the blame for it.
38:10Reform's Matt Goodwin
38:11has said that the problem
38:12is women having children
38:14too late in life.
38:16You know who I wish
38:17left having a baby
38:18till it was too late in life,
38:19Matt Goodwin?
38:20Your mum.
38:22Here to discuss
38:23the ins and outs,
38:24please welcome
38:24our own fertility expert
38:25and cast member,
38:26Ayawadi Banboye.
38:28Thank you.
38:31Thank you for having me.
38:32Thank you.
38:34So, Ayawadi,
38:35you're here to explain
38:36why you think
38:37birth rates are plummeting?
38:38Yes, and the media
38:39would have you thinking
38:40that this is a complex issue,
38:41but it's actually quite simple.
38:43We're not being honest
38:44about what the real problem
38:45is here.
38:47Women not wanting
38:47to have babies?
38:48Women not wanting
38:49to have babies
38:50with men like you.
38:52Like me?
38:53How is this my fault?
38:54Paddy, no one
38:55looks at you
38:55and thinks, yes,
38:56your genes must be
38:57preserved for the next generation.
39:00What's wrong with old pads?
39:01When was the last time
39:02you changed your bedding?
39:03Can you drive?
39:04Have you drank water today?
39:06Had a shower?
39:06How is he going to impregnate anyone?
39:10He's completely dehydrated.
39:11His sperm probably
39:12looks like dusty oats.
39:14Wait, wait a second.
39:15What if I told you
39:16that most women
39:17actually want to have children?
39:19And I'm going to have to say
39:20the quiet part out loud.
39:21The fact of the matter is
39:22men are very,
39:23very difficult to be around.
39:27Anya, have you watched
39:29a man eat?
39:31It's not good.
39:32It's so scary.
39:34This generation of men
39:35just aren't up to it.
39:37They're easily overwhelmed.
39:38Some even have the audacity
39:39to grow a moustache.
39:42Moustache is for men
39:43with full driving license.
39:46So, what is your solution
39:48to a generation of women
39:49being repulsed by the idea
39:50of having my children?
39:51I'm so glad you asked.
39:52To me, we have two options.
39:54We bank the sperm of the gays,
39:56the practicing gays to be exact.
39:58And we just use that, yes.
40:00Or we milk three to five
40:02high-value males
40:04whose seed would actually
40:06be useful to us.
40:07So, for example,
40:08people like Martin Lewis,
40:09money-saving expert.
40:11Yes!
40:13Aiwade, we can't milk
40:14Martin Lewis.
40:15We need him on the front line.
40:16To be fair, you're right.
40:17You're right.
40:18We can't lose our strongest soldier.
40:20Thanks for joining us,
40:21fertility expert Aiwade Banboja,
40:23everybody.
40:25For Weekend Update,
40:27I'm Paddy Young.
40:27And I'm Andy Magliano.
40:28Good night.
41:03Please, I can't do it anymore.
41:05Please.
41:06You're coming with me!
41:08Please!
41:14This ain't right.
41:17This ain't right!
41:19My damn for crap's sake!
41:20If they hear you,
41:21it'll be lessons for all of us.
41:23You.
41:24What is it we do here?
41:25I can't.
41:26I can't!
41:27I need to hear you say it!
41:28What is it we do here?
41:31You know when you open a hot wrap
41:33from Pratt or McDonald's.
41:35And part of the wrap
41:36sticks to the inside of the packet.
41:38So when you take it out,
41:40the whole wrap completely falls apart.
41:42We're the people who glue down
41:44that bit of wrap!
41:50I can't do this anymore.
41:55It ain't right.
41:59Glue in all day.
42:01Glue in all night.
42:03Glue in wraps!
42:07Will they join my fight?
42:12Oh, God!
42:15Here, Arkata!
42:16The people's princess!
42:18Seen her kind before,
42:20haven't we, Marty?
42:21Brave!
42:22Rebellious!
42:23Doesn't understand
42:24the wrap-gluing thing!
42:27Pipe down, little girl!
42:29You ain't got a clue!
42:31Shut that shiny mouth of yours!
42:34You ain't too much a clue!
42:35We like things how we like them!
42:38We're never so scared of change!
42:39Being alive is suffering!
42:41We exist to remind you of that!
42:45But, would it be so bad
42:48if the wraps came out in one piece?
42:50Ah!
42:51Face facts, Freckles!
42:53It's rotten work,
42:55but someone's got to do it!
42:57Do they, though?
42:59Do I smell unglued wraps?
43:01Quick, it's a pullman!
43:04Oh!
43:08I am a man and that is good
43:10and I run this factory!
43:13My wife is dead!
43:15I hate the poor!
43:17And...
43:17I'm the mayor!
43:20Well, well, well, well...
43:23If it ain't my stinky little workforce
43:26with their horrible faces
43:28living their miserable lives!
43:31Oh!
43:32Doing exactly what they're told, I'm sure!
43:37Huh!
43:42Who is responsible for this?
43:46I said, who is responsible for this?
43:50Yay!
43:50Woo!
43:53Woo!
43:54Oh!
43:54Tired, sweetheart.
43:56Cream-crackered from glue and wraps.
44:00Oh!
44:01You could always work in my other factory.
44:04When we stick fruit polos together
44:06so they can deal into one weird cylinder.
44:09Woo!
44:13Tired.
44:15I'm not tired.
44:18I'm the opposite of tired, whatever that is.
44:22In fact...
44:23I'm just getting started!
44:26Stop her!
44:28Please, can't you see why we're here?
44:30We are ruining the lunches of innocent folk.
44:33We mustn't turn our backs on the backs of the people on the street
44:36who need us the most.
44:38We can't...
44:39You with the glue, which is true.
44:40What I'm saying will stop sticking in your brain.
44:42You're not listening.
44:43Same old story being said.
44:45Try your rap instead!
44:47Bad luck, it's stuck.
44:49We can't give up, my friend.
44:54No!
45:00She's right!
45:02I joined the fight!
45:03Me too!
45:04And me!
45:04She'll set us free!
45:06A new life!
45:07No strife!
45:08Also, how is this a job?
45:12Whoa!
45:13Get off me!
45:14I said get off me!
45:16He's gonna fall into the furnace!
45:18No-one's even touching him!
45:19It's the power of the soul!
45:21Curse you, you bloody little bitch!
45:24Woo!
45:25Stop!
45:25I'm gonna stop!
45:34Yeah!
45:37His reign of terror is over!
45:41People of the factory will glue down wraps!
45:45We're finally free to get new jobs in an Amazon warehouse!
45:51¡YES!
45:52¡YES!
45:54¡YES!
45:55¡YES!
45:58¡YES!
45:59Soy Oli Duggan y soy Matty Duggan
46:02y somos The Bean Bros.
46:04No era nada más pero siempre había nada,
46:06pero siempre había dos cosas que podía rely
46:08en. La nana y su madre
46:10y la legendaria Beans on Toads.
46:134 años
46:14la nana y su madre nos llevamos a la vida
46:16para que podamos seguir nuestros sueños
46:17y abrirse nuestra propia vida
46:19y abrirse nuestra propia vida
46:21Y desde entonces hemos soldado
46:2350 millones de pesos
46:24a la gente de clientes
46:26y en.
46:27Y en.
46:29Y.
46:32Y.
46:34Y.
46:35La nana y su madre
46:35es su douggan
46:37y que fue convocada
46:40a la hija de la hija
46:41de la hija.
46:45Y.
47:15Y antes de preguntar...
47:16We are both considering chemical castration just to make sure the evil in our bloodline dies with us.
47:27We also do chicken wings.
47:30And being so close, there are three things we are passionate about.
47:33Big flavours, good vibes and a tory for the sins of our wicked family.
47:38That's why we've partnered with a local charity that helps rehabilitate grandmothers convicted of serious violent crime.
47:43This is Jenny. She cut the brakes on her daughter-in-law's Vauxhall Corsa.
47:48Sandra posted a letter bomb to our next-door neighbour because they left their Christmas lights up too long.
47:54Deborah threw acid at an Uber driver.
47:57Before you ask, yes, it was racially motivated.
48:02Oh, fuck!
48:03Fuck! This is hell!
48:05Oh, I realise we have to do it ourselves!
48:07So come on down to Beans Bros, because those kids are not coming back.
48:11And we don't want to go to hell!
48:19Once again, Will Farris!
48:28It really, really made the room sing
48:33The way you said my name
48:38Like you could not believe I'll be here
48:43Though our friends are all the same
48:48I wanted you to walk on over
48:53But you turned and went the other way
48:57I followed you around the corner
49:02Now I'll always picture you this way
49:06Beating against the wall
49:12You put my world in the slumber
49:21You put my world in the slumber
49:34Because...
49:34Doesn't anybody love you more than I do?
49:40Ooh...
49:40Oh...
49:41Doesn't anyone like you?
50:01¡Suscríbete al canal!
50:25¡Suscríbete al canal!
51:12¡Suscríbete al canal!
51:34¡Suscríbete al canal!
52:09¡Suscríbete al canal!
52:31¡Suscríbete al canal!
52:49¡Suscríbete al canal!
53:02¡Suscríbete al canal!
53:07¡Suscríbete al canal!
53:17¡Suscríbete al canal!
53:29¡Suscríbete al canal!
53:38¡Suscríbete al canal!
53:41¡Suscríbete al canal!
53:46¡Suscríbete al canal!
53:47¡Suscríbete al canal!
53:49¡Suscríbete al canal!
53:52¡Suscríbete al canal!
53:54¡Suscríbete al canal!
53:58¡Suscríbete al canal!
54:01¡Suscríbete al canal!
54:01¡Suscríbete al canal!
54:15¡Suscríbete al canal!
54:17¡Suscríbete al canal!
54:18¡Suscríbete al canal!
54:36¡Suscríbete al canal!
54:38¡Suscríbete al canal!
54:40¡Suscríbete al canal!
54:43¡Suscríbete al canal!
54:49¡Suscríbete al canal!
54:50¿Quién quiere más vino?
54:52Porque necesito un minuto.
54:55¿Estás bien, amigo?
54:56Sí.
54:58Sí, sí.
55:00He tiene una condición rara,
55:02y está flando.
55:04No te preocupes, Jonathan.
55:09Sí, uh...
55:14¡Oh!
55:14¡Oh, what the fuck!
55:16¡Oh, oh, oh!
55:20Yeah, I was, um...
55:22I was born with it.
55:23It's called, um...
55:25It's called Scrotimus Hiptimums.
55:30How did that stop you playing?
55:33It's a great question.
55:37Everything was going great.
55:38You know, I kept it sort of hidden until I was about 15,
55:40and then my balls dropped.
55:42And, uh...
55:44It became a problem during, uh, line-outs.
55:46You know, so...
55:47So painful, you know, getting picked up from my waist,
55:50like, crushing my balls, so...
55:52Yeah.
55:53Oh, and, um...
55:55During scrums, yeah, the scrums,
55:57the lads would, you know,
55:57they'd have their ear pressed against,
55:59you know, eating my balls.
56:03Oh, wow.
56:04I'm not gonna lie.
56:05It would be hard to go pro...
56:07with those.
56:08You know?
56:09You'd be in the showers looking like a...
56:11like a sparsely decorated Christmas tree.
56:14Sorry, sorry mate, sorry mate.
56:16That was above the belt.
56:18No, no, respect when you struggled, man.
56:22Is he good, yeah?
56:23Yeah, he's fine.
56:24All right, well, see you at work, Soph.
56:26Great to see you, Jason.
56:27Let yourselves out.
56:28Bye, Jason, man.
56:29See you, see you.
56:32Oh.
56:34Oh.
56:35Oh.
56:36Oh, my God.
56:37Oh.
56:39Soph's just asked if Jason can have your number.
56:42Yes!
56:42Yes!
56:43Well done!
56:44Oh, my balls!
56:46Oh!
56:46Oh!
56:48Oh!
56:48Oh!
56:48Oh!
56:49Oh!
56:49Oh!
57:03My biggest thanks to Wolf Ellis, Chris O'Donnell,
57:06a huge thanks to the cast, the writers,
57:09everyone working on the show for making such a great week.
57:12Goodnight!
57:14Thank you.
57:31¡Gracias!
57:57¡Gracias!
58:21¡Gracias!
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