- 8 hours ago
The Trades S03E02 (2026)
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TVTranscript
00:01Charles Conk, visionary, founder, father.
00:06A man of many convictions, most of which were eventually overturned.
00:12Bullshit!
00:19Sorry, Daddy. I'm so sorry, God. He hated when people cried.
00:25Daddy always said, if you have to cry,
00:28at least have the decency to do it with the engine running
00:31and a hose out the window attached to the exhaust.
00:33Why is she back?
00:35Because life is unfair, Todd.
00:37Fuck me.
00:38He was a simple man.
00:40He didn't have a whole lot of hobbies.
00:43He liked diesel engines, danishes.
00:47He really likes those.
00:49Gosh, he used to like to lick all that.
00:52Icing off all the danishes and then put them back into the box.
00:55And he'd be like, don't waste that. There's still a lot of good danish in there.
00:59Ugh.
01:00Someone was actually gonna eat it.
01:02Where goes my appetite?
01:03You know, someone usually did.
01:05That was me.
01:06I think I probably ate like 200 of those pre-licked danishes.
01:09They were on my team. It's disgusting.
01:11Alright, let's do this.
01:12Sick jokes.
01:15Rest in peace, Daddy.
01:16She thinks he's going to heaven?
01:18Not a chance.
01:23Here we go.
01:24Open your mouths boys.
01:25Better wait.
01:25Someone dropped.
01:27Oopsie daisy.
01:30What is she doing?
01:32What's happening now?
01:33Mr. Kong?
01:34Oh no, no, no.
01:35Don't do it, Jen.
01:36No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
01:37Hold on!
01:37Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
01:39Incoming!
01:40Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
01:42Here's your lunch.
01:44Here's your lunch.
01:46It's in my mouth and my soul.
01:48Alright, how the fuck am I getting down from here?
01:50I'm off the jump.
01:51What?!
01:52Give it a shove, Poppy.
01:53I'll just like a pair of danishes.
01:56Are you going to wear that on your lunch date?
01:58Yeah, it's my lucky shirt.
01:59You've got a dead guy on you.
02:01What?
02:03Oh, shit, I don't have time to go and change.
02:05Come here, let's wash it.
02:11Oh, hell, you too, ah.
02:14Wait.
02:14You seeing Dana today like this?
02:16Yep.
02:17A bit of advice.
02:18Nope.
02:18You're not going to be my dating coach, Dewey.
02:20I've dated.
02:21You've been catfished twice.
02:23True.
02:23By the same woman.
02:24I'm good.
02:25I still have a shot with that chick, but, listen, Dana has high standards.
02:28You know what they say.
02:29Second date.
02:30Make or break.
02:31You have no idea what they say, you turd shovel.
02:34This has to come off.
02:35Let's wash it.
02:36You know I'm rooting for you, bro.
02:37Good to know, Dewey.
02:39I'm rooting for us.
02:42You might get lucky tonight.
02:44Oh, my God.
02:44You think so?
02:45Fucking hope so.
02:47My condolences about Charles.
02:49It was so sudden.
02:50Huh?
02:52What, was he ill?
02:54No.
02:54No, his cellmate stabbed him 26 times with a spork.
02:59Oh.
02:59But I was told it was peaceful and quick.
03:02What's a spork?
03:03It's halfway between a fork and a spoon.
03:06I was in Peru at a wellness retreat when I heard the sad news.
03:08Doing some healing work.
03:10Making some big life decisions.
03:12So.
03:14I'm back.
03:15And I'm here to learn everything about this dang business from the ground up.
03:19Oh, no, Jen.
03:20You don't want to work here.
03:21Did you forget this?
03:22This is team building at its finest.
03:24This is really your screensaver.
03:26Don't you have pictures of a niece or a cat you can put up there, Chelsea?
03:31I'm counting 46 middle fingers in this photo.
03:33It's the most unified the crew has ever been.
03:35Need I remind you that after the plant unionized, thanks to you, Chelsea.
03:39That's right.
03:40Our stock price tanked.
03:42Cornpulse got a bigger market share and it broke daddy's heart.
03:44Now, I am the only hunk left, so I am here to learn it all.
03:49Learn all the traits to weld, to escalate, to forklift shit.
03:55You're not certified.
03:56Or insured.
03:57Or remotely capable.
04:00You could pair her with somebody who is.
04:04Todd!
04:05Get over here!
04:06Can you take Ms. Conk on a plant tour today?
04:10That is a great idea.
04:13Sure.
04:14You know, yeah, I would love to do that shit.
04:16Come on, Jen.
04:17I'll show you the ropes.
04:17Great.
04:18Where are those ropes?
04:19Thanks, Chelsea.
04:20Godspeed.
04:23Jesus Christ.
04:27Coming up on the right here, you've got your boiler makers.
04:29You're the knuckle baggers of the crew.
04:31That's why most of the day is stuffed in a hole.
04:33Hey, boys.
04:34You go.
04:36You've got your electricians here.
04:39Highest paid.
04:39Least liked.
04:40If you're not smart enough to be an engineer, you're an electrician.
04:43Wait, they're waving at ya.
04:46And your painters.
04:47They're all totally fucked from the fuse.
04:49Hey.
04:50Oh!
04:50I look like Todd.
04:52You look like Todd from work.
04:54What do you got there?
04:55These are my vitamins.
04:56It's a, uh, it's an herbs for real.
05:01Here.
05:02I'm good.
05:03I'm old school.
05:04I like my drugs for my dealer.
05:06Oh, no.
05:06These will fix everything except boners, apparently.
05:09Well, I'm on the clock.
05:10I've got to stay sharp.
05:11Believe it or not, this is a very dangerous place to work.
05:13Can you hold this for me?
05:15Oh, shit!
05:16Oh!
05:17Jesus Christ!
05:18Oh, fuck!
05:20What's that?
05:21Fuck me!
05:22Why are you staring in the middle of the room?
05:24Why are you driving like a fucking maniac?
05:25You know what?
05:26Fuck it.
05:27Maybe I will take these pills.
05:29Uh-huh.
05:29That should help you.
05:30Okay, Steph here is going to be taking over the tour now.
05:32You're in excellent hands.
05:34Fuck you, Todd!
05:36We'll be solid here, okay?
05:36I'm running a bit late.
05:37What is this?
05:38Take your Nepo boss to work day?
05:39You know, he just fucking killed me, man!
05:41Hey, treats Barbie.
05:42Roach, let's go.
05:43Shirt swap.
05:44Oh.
05:46Okay, here you go.
05:48Whoa!
05:48What do we got here?
05:51Do we even know what those are?
05:53Yeah, of course.
05:54Those are not reckless pills, man.
05:56What kind of buys can I expect?
05:58Don't know.
05:58Apparently they fix everything, so good luck.
06:00Whoa!
06:01These better fucking work.
06:02Right on, man.
06:03Mystery pills.
06:06Hmm.
06:07What I normally tell Dewey is you just...
06:10Yeah, no, no.
06:11I've got to...
06:12Just between your fingers, though.
06:14You just want to put it between your...
06:16It's like you're holding a pencil, sort of.
06:18Can you see?
06:19You know what?
06:19You could just ask for a fork.
06:21Oh, no, no, no.
06:22I'm good.
06:23It must be the pills I'm on.
06:25Some slippery little guys, huh?
06:27Uh, yeah.
06:29Uh, sorry big guy.
06:31You can keep that if you like.
06:33We got a runner.
06:36Bacatare.
06:39Did you hear that?
06:42Oh, sorry.
06:44Shit, are you okay?
06:46You got allergies?
06:48No, I've just been getting color-triggered migraines.
06:50Nice.
06:52No.
06:53Not actually.
06:53I'm just sensitive to...
06:56Whew.
06:57Visual overload.
06:59High contrast.
07:03That shirt.
07:05Wow.
07:06That is an aggressive pattern.
07:09Yes, it is.
07:10Hmm.
07:11Are those neon flamingos?
07:12Yeah, and they're playing saxophone.
07:18Sorry, it's actually borrowed.
07:20You should see the one I was going to wear.
07:21It's covered in a dead guy's body dust.
07:24Yeah, I got nothing.
07:25Whew.
07:26It's hot in here, huh?
07:26That...
07:27That's soy sauce.
07:33I'm just going to hit the shitter real quick.
07:35Or the toilet.
07:36Do you want anything?
07:37From the shitter?
07:38Well, sometimes I hit those baskets with the little bottles of mouthwash, gum, condoms.
07:43Tampons.
07:43You need tampons?
07:44No, I'm...
07:44I'm your guy.
07:45I got you.
07:46I'm good.
07:46Okay, I'll be right there.
07:49Wah!
07:49Ha!
07:52Oh, shit.
07:54That's the kitchen.
07:55Only the employees can piss in there, I bet.
07:58Hello?
08:00Orokanahakuchi.
08:02There it is.
08:02Yep.
08:03You're good?
08:04I am good.
08:04Good luck with...
08:05No to the tampons, right?
08:07Yeah, I'm good.
08:15Hey!
08:16No, no, no, lady.
08:17Not another step without a hard hat.
08:18I always had a blowout.
08:19And those dumb safety hats make dance in my forehead.
08:22They make dance in everyone's forehead.
08:24Oh, god.
08:24Fine, but if I get helmet acne, that's on you guys.
08:27Here.
08:29Uh-uh.
08:29Uh-uh.
08:32Yeah, no, Ms. Conk, you can't wear those.
08:33You can't wear sunglasses.
08:34No, I think I'm good.
08:35They're Versace.
08:36Prescription for chronic hotness.
08:40Okay, listen to me.
08:41Always stay at least six feet away from anybody that's handling tools or equipment.
08:45Got it.
08:46And always announce your presence.
08:47Okay.
08:48Your wish is my command, lady safety steward.
08:51Okay.
08:52Oh, shit.
08:53Oh, fuck.
08:53Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
08:56And...
08:57We're in trouble.
09:00Unless we bury the body.
09:01See?
09:01I hit her real good.
09:03Shit.
09:08Okay.
09:09You're alright.
09:10You got this.
09:12Calm the fuck down.
09:13Shh.
09:15Are you...
09:16Are you...
09:16Me?
09:17I...
09:18Am I...
09:19You?
09:19You okay?
09:21I've got this.
09:22You've got this.
09:28What the fuck is happening now?
09:35I'm not a video call guy.
09:37This is not a good time, Dewey.
09:39Hey, buddy.
09:39Just checking in.
09:40Listen, the second date is when Dana usually bails, okay?
09:45At least that's what happened with Steve, and Nelson, and Enrique, and...
09:49Why are you telling me this?
09:51You keep cutting out, I can only hear every third word.
09:53Oh, are you underwater?
09:55What the fuck would I be underwater?
09:57I took some of Jen Conk's jungle cult pills, and I'm fucked.
09:59I think I just offered to bring your sister gifts from the men's restroom.
10:02Oh, that was nice of you.
10:04Like a mint?
10:05Hey, can you grab me something, too?
10:07Oh, one of those origami folded towels.
10:09Yeah, yeah.
10:09I'll take one, too.
10:10Fuck.
10:11That looks like my pupils are doing different jobs.
10:14One's chilling, and one's exploding.
10:17Looks pretty awesome, Todd.
10:19Hold on a second, Dewey.
10:21What's up, Homer?
10:22Hey, Todd.
10:23Listen, quick question.
10:24What channels do you want?
10:25I added some truth or streamers, stuff the deep state wants scrubbed from existence.
10:29No, no, no, no, no, no!
10:29You are not spiraling today!
10:31Breathe out the chem, breathe in the trails, and call your sponsor.
10:35Copy that.
10:36Huh?
10:36Breathing in.
10:38Huh?
10:39And breathing out.
10:40Oh, uh, say someone accidentally spilled some, um, salsa and queso into your chlorine cesspool.
10:49Got it right in the filter.
10:50What the fuck did you do?
10:51I don't have time for this!
10:53I forgot to drain it.
10:53Drain the whole system.
10:55Grab a bucket, scoop the shit out of there, you're gonna ruin the plumbing.
10:58I'm just gonna back everything up, and I'm not cleaning it myself!
11:01Yeah!
11:01You sat in town there or what?
11:02Just a minute!
11:04Fix my fucking hot tub!
11:07Everything okay, Todd?
11:09Shit, uh, all good.
11:14Just cleaning up in here.
11:19Send.
11:20What the fuck did I just text her?
11:22Ugh, fuck.
11:24Are you still there, Dewey?
11:25Yeah!
11:26Sounds like it's going well.
11:27No, it is not fucking going well, you fucking pissant!
11:30I've been in the crapper for, I don't even know how long.
11:33Like, the whole restaurant and Dana, they all probably think I shit myself.
11:36Well, she's seen worse.
11:38When?
11:39When has she seen worse?
11:40Uh, our softball game?
11:42Medi's copy enema that gave you diarrhea?
11:45Yeah.
11:45Yeah, I remember, Dewey.
11:46Thanks for bringing that up again.
11:47Real fucking helpful.
11:49Okay.
11:51You're okay.
11:53You got this.
11:56Sorry, bud.
11:57Oh, finally.
12:11Had a run?
12:12A pair of teach interviews?
12:13I ate the pill?
12:14What the fuck does a poof of air emoji mean?
12:16It means fart, shit boy.
12:23I will keep seeing him.
12:25I will.
12:26I love him so much, Daddy.
12:27Fuck, this is bad.
12:29That wasn't there before, was it?
12:30Is that a concussion?
12:32Did her head get pregnant?
12:34What happened?
12:35She okay?
12:35Yeah, she's fine.
12:37She's resting.
12:38Knack time.
12:38Better hope it's not a brain bleed.
12:40You two are fucked.
12:41Yeah.
12:42Might be a good time to get her passwords.
12:44Yeah, it's partygirl69.
12:46I love 69.
12:47Woo!
12:48What's the play here?
12:49Do I call her up and mention the bathroom incident?
12:51Do I lean into that?
12:52Ghost her.
12:53You can't recover from that.
12:54She thinks you had diarrhea again.
12:55No.
12:56Don't ghost her.
12:56Just be honest.
12:57Dana, I like you.
12:58Wanna grab a drink?
12:59Isn't it better just to own it?
13:00Hey Dana, what's up?
13:01Funny story about why it took so long in the bathroom.
13:03I took these jungle pills.
13:05They completely took my head off.
13:06But I did not have a nuclear shit explosion in my pants again.
13:08That is not better.
13:09Hard to even imagine worse.
13:11You told me to be honest.
13:12Not that honest.
13:13Like, is the goal to remind her of the worst two minutes of your life?
13:15Right?
13:17Where's backwards?
13:18Enough of this shit.
13:22Communication is the oxygen of any good relationship.
13:25Shut up.
13:29Had she consumed any drugs or alcohol in the past 24 hours?
13:32Probably.
13:34Hello.
13:35I'm inside my mouth.
13:37Is she usually this weird?
13:39I mean, honestly, hard to tell the difference.
13:42I've got some good news for you.
13:44You got a strong heartbeat.
13:46Very healthy vitals.
13:47But I hate to be the one to tell you.
13:49You got a serious case of resting bitch face.
13:52Okay.
13:53Seriously, it's terminal.
13:54Just get her out of here.
13:55Oh my gosh.
13:56Tanner, out of there.
13:57Okay.
13:58In the chair.
13:59Into the chair.
14:00Okay.
14:01We're gonna get you out of here.
14:02Where is she?
14:03Chelsea.
14:04My daddy always said that you were the best employee he ever had.
14:07And I know that's true.
14:09I am here today to regain that trust.
14:12Starts now.
14:13See those girls over there?
14:15They tried to warn me about the safety hat and I didn't listen.
14:17So, I am committed to regaining your respect.
14:22Okay?
14:23Even if it takes five months or five years.
14:26I'm not going anywhere, girlfriend, until I get the job done.
14:29Okay?
14:29Fantastic, Jen.
14:30Fine fucking news.
14:31Alright.
14:32Go.
14:32Pull her out.
14:33Off to urgent care.
14:35Bye.
14:36Stop moving.
14:37Sorry.
14:38This doesn't usually happen.
14:39Okay.
14:40What's the problem?
14:41Off to urgent care.
14:42You know what?
14:43Fuck it up.
14:43Ma'am, keep up with me.
14:45Okay, you two.
14:46There are protocols so these types of accidents don't happen.
14:48There are consequences to the...
14:50Blah, blah, blah.
14:51You're good.
14:52What?
14:53We're good?
14:54Good?
14:54Yeah.
14:55You're good.
14:56Okay.
14:58Our lucky day.
15:00Oh.
15:02Mm.
15:04Backwards.
15:04Nice memories.
15:06Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
15:07My sexy man.
15:08How's that going, anyway?
15:09See a gentleman?
15:10You know, like you first?
15:12Yeah, me first.
15:13And second.
15:14And some nights third.
15:17Yeah, we have a hot date tonight.
15:19I knew that redneck had game.
15:20Mm-hmm.
15:34Whoa!
15:35Audrey!
15:36Thank you!
15:37No, that's not meant for you, Tanner!
15:39Fuckin' unsent!
15:40Unsent!
15:41Nope!
15:41Already saved!
15:43Fuck!
15:45Oh yes, you are a bad girl.
15:47And daddy, life!
15:49Becky.
15:49You.
15:50Me.
15:50Bill.
15:51Leaky pipe.
15:51Let's go.
15:52Oh.
15:53Uh, yeah.
15:55Kinda had other plans, but I...
15:57Ooh, hot damn.
16:00What?
16:01What?
16:02Nothing.
16:03No, that was the best idea ever.
16:05I mean, it's the best idea, brah.
16:07No.
16:08Not brah.
16:09Bro.
16:09Not brah.
16:10Bro.
16:10No bro.
16:11No brah.
16:14Okay, first of all, what the fuck are you talking about?
16:16You got deep poison again?
16:17I might.
16:18And second, I need to get fucked up to try to forget about this day.
16:22You're driving.
16:23I need to get buzzed again.
16:25Are you coming?
16:27Don't ever ask me that.
16:35Last call, folks.
16:36Good.
16:37Pipes closing the tent.
16:38Time to go.
16:38Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
16:39Can we get three more rounds for me and my buddy?
16:41And no fuckin' lip, Fernie.
16:43Oh, yeah.
16:45Oh, here we go.
16:46Incoming fucked Dana text.
16:48Oh, gosh.
16:48What have we got now?
16:49I caught your text.
16:51I just think we're in different places now.
16:53I'm looking for a more mature relationship.
16:56Then six fuckin' random emojis.
16:59What the fuck?
16:59Do you believe this shit?
17:00Man, it sucks for her.
17:01Obviously, she doesn't know what she's missing.
17:04It usually takes three or four fuckin' dates before they know I'm immature.
17:07Oh, shit.
17:07She's way ahead of schedule.
17:09Whatever.
17:09It's not like I was all in.
17:10I can be a lone wolf now.
17:12Oh, your girl bailed.
17:14Shocking.
17:15Really?
17:16Maybe it hasn't occurred to you that a woman wants a guy that can read more than a beer
17:20label?
17:20What the fuck, Fernie?
17:22Don't remember asking you to weigh in on my fuckin' life.
17:25I'm a smart guy.
17:28Oh, shit.
17:29Uh, actually, I gotta go.
17:30I gotta go fast.
17:31Just getting started, man.
17:32What the fuck's going on?
17:33Nothing.
17:33I'm trying to just book my duck blind for opening day and, like, this guy's just super enthusiastic.
17:38That's all.
17:38He's just a real go-getter.
17:40Did you know that when wolves get caught in a trap, quite often they'll chew their
17:44old balls off to escape?
17:46That was fuckin' weird, no?
17:48Fernie, let's talk.
17:49Eat more pori.
17:50You tell a fuckin' Mr. Duck blind.
17:52It's getting fucked up time, not phone time.
17:55You want me to tell him?
17:56No need.
17:57Got it.
17:59I need my wingman.
18:01You in or what?
18:03Yep.
18:04You go get him, Tiger.
18:06Ladies!
18:07Hey!
18:08You wanna get fucked up?
18:09Whoa!
18:09Boom!
18:11Okay, then.
18:11Great.
18:12Sorry, I just got new boots.
18:15Yeah.
18:16Surprised they weren't more receptive than that.
18:18Right?
18:19Shocking, actually.
18:20Maybe it's your fuckin' ostrich shirt.
18:22What the fuck is wrong with my shirt?
18:24They're fuckin' flamingos and they're talented.
18:30Thanks for picking me up, Deucer.
18:34Oh, here.
18:35We're here.
18:38Uh, be careful.
18:40Why do you think your sister doesn't think I'm mature enough?
18:44Hey.
18:45You know what?
18:47Honestly, it's her loss.
18:49You showed her all your beautiful fuckin' layers, man.
18:52Maybe it was too fast.
18:53Who knows?
18:54Oh, what can I say?
18:56She's always been the weird one in our family, you know.
18:59I'm just bummed because...
19:02I wanted you to be my brother-in-law.
19:05I know, D-Man.
19:07Thanks for the ride, bud.
19:11Fuck!
19:13There you are.
19:15What the fuck, Homer?
19:16There's queser cheese in the pipes.
19:18The fuckin' filter.
19:19It's all gummed up.
19:20Taking me all day to figure it out.
19:22This is figured out?
19:23Your levels are way off, man.
19:25How much fuckin' chlorine you put in this thing?
19:27Might as well be gargling bleach.
19:28We're moving to saltwater.
19:30Who the fuck's gonna pay for that?
19:34Nachos?
19:35They're cold.
19:36No.
19:38I'm worried about you, man.
19:39Yeah, I'm worried about me, too.
19:41We're calling your fuckin' sponsor.
19:43As soon as they sober up.
19:44Yeah, yeah.
19:44Goodnight, Todd.
19:45Night, snacks.
19:49Oh, fuck you.
19:51You little scavengin' bitchy grease god.
19:54What?
19:55Ow!
19:56Shit, crap!
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