- 12 hours ago
Bait S01E01-2 (2026) [Full Movie] [Trending Drama]Full EP - Full
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00:06You
00:42I suppose the term safe house is no longer apt.
00:47Nothing you touch is ever safe, is it?
00:52I told you not to come after me.
00:54James, she knows everything I know.
01:00If you have terrible taste in hostages, Wentworth was the mole.
01:05Could have just as easily aimed a few centimeters higher.
01:10Then it wouldn't have mattered to you at all, would it?
01:14Just as long as you're pleasing your masters.
01:18Tell me, when it's just you, all alone, how do you live with yourself?
01:26Do you even know who you are?
01:38Now...
01:39Sorry.
01:40Sorry.
01:43Sorry, Helen.
01:45It's all good.
01:46It's all good.
01:47It's just we're on a bit of a schedule.
01:50Yeah, that's what I was thinking.
01:50Quick reset back to once.
01:51I'll nail it this time.
01:52How are you blowing this audition?
01:54I know the speech.
01:56I know it.
01:57Yeah, you fucked it up every time at the exact same moment.
02:02What is this, a prank show, wearing a hidden camera?
02:04It's funny.
02:05No, I just have a very particular process.
02:07I've got my head around it now.
02:08I'm ready.
02:09Sorry, guys.
02:10You just said we had to...
02:10Yeah, well, just a minute.
02:11Sorry.
02:12How was your weekend?
02:13That's good, thanks.
02:13How was yours?
02:13Great.
02:14Yeah, what did you do?
02:15Just...
02:16Yeah, thanks.
02:16Thanks, Jim.
02:17This is my set...
02:19Stop it.
02:20Sorry.
02:21You know what?
02:22They didn't want to see you.
02:24I had to convince them.
02:25So this is on me.
02:26I've got a confession to make.
02:29I'm lightheaded from fasting.
02:31It's the holy muslim month.
02:34It's called Ramadan.
02:37It involves no eating and drinking in the day.
02:40I'm lightheaded from...
02:41If I can have a bit of a cultural understanding.
02:43Well, I've just seen you drink apple juice.
02:45Six takes in a row.
02:47I tried.
02:48Just a shame you didn't.
02:52Thanks so much for coming in, Sharon.
02:54We'll be in touch.
03:04You want to know what it's like doing the dirty work?
03:07Fighting everybody and being nobody.
03:13I don't live with myself.
03:14I live with whoever you need me to be.
03:18The blood on my hands is mine.
03:20Because I kill a part of myself every day
03:24if I don't know who I am.
03:26Because you don't want to.
03:31You knew it.
03:33You knew it.
03:35What's wrong with you?
03:38Do you know who you are?
03:39I'll tell you who you are.
03:41You're a fucking failure.
03:43Who just shat on your last chance
03:45of being somebody.
03:47You should be ashamed of yourself.
03:49You are ashamed of yourself.
03:50Because you're ashamed of your family.
03:52You're fucking nobody.
03:53You're nothing.
03:53You're just a fucking...
03:54Dumb fucking baggy.
04:05Um...
04:07Come in.
04:10Um...
04:11I, uh...
04:13Forgot to grab your mic.
04:14Okay.
04:16Joe!
04:25Huh?
04:27Uh...
04:28Uh...
04:29Uh...
04:32Uh...
04:33Uh...
04:34Uh...
04:36Uh...
04:40Uh...
04:57I'm just, you know, there's a photographer camped out front, so I'm going to take you down the side.
05:02Oh, yeah, yeah.
05:03The press gets a pic of anyone who's auditioned and the whole Bond rumour mill goes crazy.
05:10Sorry, you know what? I just realised I left my charger in the dressing room.
05:14Oh, I'm happy to come with.
05:14I'll go and grab it. Another way.
05:16Are you sure?
05:16Thank you, though. Thanks a lot.
05:17Okay.
05:31You all right?
05:57I'm happy to come.
06:00You're welcome.
06:03Oh, my.
06:04Oh, my.
06:06I will tell you what I'm going to do
06:15Hey!
06:16Dude!
06:17What?
06:17I know you!
06:18Mate!
06:20I'm a huge fan!
06:21Sit, you're talented!
06:22No, no, no.
06:23Yes, you are!
06:24You're an exceptional actor and I want you to know that.
06:26Thank you, man.
06:27Can I get a little video from my girlfriend, Heather?
06:29She's like obsessed with you, dude.
06:30Yeah, yeah.
06:31Hey, check it out.
06:32Walking down the street, guess who I've been to?
06:34Dev fucking Patel!
06:36What?
06:37Dev Patel, just walking down the street!
06:40Say something about Slumdog.
06:41She loves Slumdog.
06:46It was an amazing honour to be part of Slumdog Millionaire.
06:49It was a great film that people loved, that I loved.
06:52I loved that film.
06:53I mean, my family, my community, internationally.
06:56He's not Dev Patel!
06:59What?
07:00He's not Dev Patel!
07:02Look how short he is!
07:03Dev is tall, strong, handsome, our Gujarati hero!
07:08Hello, Shah Jahan Latif!
07:10Are you the Shah Jahan place?
07:12Who's...
07:13Shah's...
07:14Shah's...
07:14Shah Latif, Shah.
07:16That's me.
07:20Can we go, please?
07:21No problem.
07:22No problem.
07:27Assalamualaikum Mr. Latif, Shah.
07:28I hope you are enjoying your MOBA experience and that the temperature is of enjoyment for you.
07:34I asked for an asylum ride on the app, so...
07:36Sir, just one thing.
07:37Where are you from?
07:39Because you are looking like the packy, but you are talking like the honky-tonky, right?
07:42I don't like the Jahaadi, but it's a sphincter.
07:46Sphincter?
07:46Wait, that's a bar?
07:47Of course I like that!
07:48He just came to me like that.
07:49Sphincter?
07:49Thanks for picking me up, bro.
07:51Come on, man.
07:51I appreciate it.
07:52Watch my posture, please.
07:53You're awesome.
07:54You took in love here.
07:55Hey, listen, did you bring the watch, yeah?
07:57Yeah, I couldn't find it.
07:58You couldn't find it or you didn't look?
07:59I did look.
08:00I'll be busy, okay?
08:01What do you always say?
08:01Bro, you're a dickhead.
08:04What the fuck is this doing here?
08:06I was going to tell you, innit?
08:07Basically, I need that for my cars, bro.
08:09There's no brown dolls for saying that.
08:11It's weird.
08:11It's not a doll, bro.
08:12It's a limited edition collectible action figure of me from my film.
08:15You've got to ask me before you use my likeness.
08:18You need to chew your tits.
08:19First of all, this don't even look like you.
08:20And second of all, you've got a hundred of these many dildos lying around in the garage.
08:24It's not a dildo.
08:24It looks like a dildo to me.
08:25And I need them for my fleet anyway.
08:26Fleet?
08:27Alright.
08:28Well, you and six guys, yeah?
08:29It's 26, actually.
08:31Fuck off.
08:31Yes.
08:32Things have been going very well.
08:34Got some serious investors interested.
08:36Hmm.
08:37Hmm.
08:38What?
08:39Say mashallah.
08:40Mashallah.
08:40If you're going to say it properly, mashallah, there you go.
08:43Right.
08:44Investors know that nobody needs a Muslim Uber, bro.
08:47Uber in London's already Muslim.
08:48Right?
08:48Every next driver's named Abdi.
08:50Listen to me.
08:51We drive that thing, but we need to own our thing.
08:53And I want us to own this thing.
08:54Okay.
08:55And if you're strapped for personal right now, I'll take you on as a driver.
08:58I don't mind.
08:59Don't need any money from you, bro.
09:00Is it?
09:01Yeah, I got stuff cooking.
09:02There's no why I heard.
09:02I got stuff cooking.
09:03Where you going cooking?
09:04I can't tell you.
09:05Huh?
09:05It's top secret.
09:06I signed an NDA.
09:07You ain't signed no NDA.
09:08I did non-disclosure agreement.
09:10I signed it.
09:10I understand what that means, but you ain't signed.
09:12You ain't got shit, bro.
09:12You're mistreturning for mine.
09:13No, we didn't actually, because we're going to mummy and barbers.
09:16What?
09:16Yes.
09:17No.
09:17What do you mean, no?
09:18I mean, no.
09:19Yes, we are, bro.
09:20Okay?
09:21You have not checked in on your mum in time.
09:22She's going to be gassed to see you.
09:24Bro, I'm not in a mood.
09:25Yeah, because you turned it around.
09:25Well, I don't care if you're in the mood or not.
09:27If you're getting free rides, you're going to make the stops.
09:31NDA.
09:47Come.
09:48Yeah, I'll come in a minute.
09:51Sometimes beating here is enough, you know.
09:53Okay, just one minute.
09:54Okay, I'm coming.
10:00Ah, Tahira.
10:02When will I come back?
10:03Okay?
10:04I'm going to get a personal shopper with Harrods.
10:06Yeah.
10:07Okay.
10:08Do you need a silver rally set tomorrow?
10:10No, no.
10:10Silver rally set?
10:11No, no, thank you.
10:12It will look good, right?
10:13Yes, yes, yes.
10:14It's old.
10:14It's old, right?
10:15Thank you, auntie.
10:18Look at you.
10:19All grown up, huh?
10:20Such a strong boy.
10:22MashaAllah.
10:23Bye.
10:25Bye, auntie.
10:26Bye, auntie.
10:26Bye, auntie.
10:27Look who's here.
10:28Look who's here.
10:28Who's here?
10:29Honey, son, come here.
10:31Come here.
10:31Come here.
10:32I'll die.
10:33You'll die.
10:33I'll come back to my house.
10:34Two months.
10:36Yes.
10:37How many weeks?
10:38I can't.
10:39I'm dying for this black audition thing.
10:41You're dying for this?
10:43You're not keeping your rose.
10:43Oh, you're not keeping your rose.
10:44Oh, you're not keeping your rose.
10:45Oh, I've seen my tone.
10:46What?
10:47We shoot fast all year.
10:48I don't know what's going on here.
10:50What's going on here?
10:50My mind is coming so many days.
10:53He bought a car in Dubai.
10:55He bought a car.
10:55He bought a house.
10:56I bought a botox.
10:58I thought it was Michael Jackson when I came in the house.
11:02No, I didn't know.
11:04Don't worry about it.
11:05Come on.
11:06I'm fine, sir.
11:07I've seen something in Google Alerts.
11:08I haven't seen anything at some time, right?
11:11Yeah.
11:11There's stuff going on.
11:12I don't know.
11:13I don't know.
11:15Don't talk about it, okay?
11:16Just tell me.
11:20Well, I'm...
11:23Just a prayer.
11:24Just pray.
11:25Prayer for you.
11:26I pray for you all the time.
11:29Okay.
11:30Just a prayer.
11:31Baba, have you seen a brown leather case about this big?
11:33It's got my name written on it in gold.
11:34Where are you from, brother?
11:35I don't watch TV.
11:37I don't watch TV.
11:37I don't watch TV.
11:37Yeah, I've got some stuff cooking.
11:39It takes time to make a film.
11:40Yeah, but you don't have time.
11:41I don't watch TV.
11:44I don't watch TV.
11:44There was one scene in one film.
11:46You've been pervert on his newsreader all day.
11:47Listen, don't worry about it.
11:50Baba, why aren't you showing up to these doctor's appointments, huh?
11:53They're expensive.
11:54I booked them for you so we can find out what's wrong.
11:56I booked them for you so we can find out what's wrong.
11:56They're going to pay for money.
11:58They're going to pay for money.
11:59Hey, cousin.
12:00Shit!
12:01What are you saying?
12:02No, man.
12:03Oh, bless.
12:04What's this?
12:05What's what?
12:05You've been getting to take out your tags.
12:07Oh.
12:07Rah!
12:08Is that you, yeah?
12:10Baba, see how your boy's spending?
12:12Give me that.
12:13Why are you at home?
12:14Quit my job, man.
12:15Manager was a dickhead.
12:16Hey, I wasn't able to review my body charge me.
12:19He was a weirdo.
12:20If you need work experience, I could sort you from Felicia.
12:22I told you.
12:22No, no, no.
12:23Listen.
12:23If you really want to help me, take me to Taser's show tonight.
12:26Is he playing tonight?
12:27Yeah, why?
12:29I told you you can't work for me.
12:30Brother, I already sent you my counter offer.
12:3250% of my business.
12:33Yes, but do you believe in gender equality or nah?
12:36No, not really.
12:39Oh, my God.
12:41Shah, are you going to be the next James Bond?
12:44What?
12:46Eh?
12:47Wait, wait, wait.
12:48It might be cap.
12:48Can I have a look at that?
12:50Oh, shit.
12:51No, no, no, no.
12:51It's legit.
12:52What the fuck?
12:53Oh, my God.
12:54This is crazy.
12:55This is crazy, bro.
12:56Wait, wait, wait.
12:57Chill, man.
12:58Check the website.
12:59It's BBC we contracted.
13:00Greg Daniel, what's up?
13:01Bro, why didn't you tell me you were speaking for?
13:03It's just an audition.
13:05It's just an audition.
13:05It's just an audition.
13:06Super James Bond, my son.
13:07Listen.
13:08It's an audition.
13:08It's a photo from today's audition.
13:10What's up, Shahjoo?
13:11What?
13:12James Bond is white.
13:13Stop.
13:14Stop.
13:15Stop.
13:16Stop.
13:16Stop.
13:17Stop.
13:19Stop.
13:20Stop.
13:25Stop.
13:25It's good to be a little bit excited.
13:29It's nice to have the opportunity.
13:31It's a big deal.
13:32You know, a brown James Bond...
13:33It should be proud.
13:35This guy's face is gonna be fucking lost everywhere.
13:37Imagine.
13:37Imagine it.
13:38Danliukui got me 20 M's for the last movie.
13:41Well, Shahjoo, we'll get 21.
13:43Just calm down.
13:44It's just an audition.
13:45Call me if you need a body double for sex scenes.
13:47Stop, bro.
13:49What are you doing?
13:54What are you doing?
13:55I don't know if this is a good thing or a bad thing.
13:57I'm just going to sort this out and work it out.
14:01Look at me. I'm proud of you.
14:06James, come on.
14:07Let's see what happens.
14:09But do they know about the height?
14:11What do you mean?
14:13They're going to give you special shoes.
14:14James Bond's big, isn't it?
14:19I'm just saying it for you.
14:25Hey, Felicia, can you call me back, please?
14:27I'm just wondering if the audition news league thing has helped me or, you know, fucked me.
15:04Yeah. Yeah. Where have you been?
15:07Painting my nails on a fucking sunbed. What the fuck do you think?
15:10Listen, did you call the pap?
15:12I'm not that clever.
15:14What are they saying? Are they pissed?
15:16Well, they are very surprised.
15:19Fuck.
15:19About how much you're trending.
15:21Right?
15:22And because of the reaction, they might give you a second chance to audition.
15:25Fuck! Yes!
15:27Oh!
15:28You, plus the female director, it's doing very well for the 18 to 34s.
15:31And you know that demographic gets them wet.
15:33Oh, my God.
15:34So, listen. Sit tight and let this play out.
15:37Oh, my God.
15:39Thank you. That is amazing. That's really, really cool.
15:42God bless the internet, eh?
15:44Yeah. So, just one thing. We can't just see how this plays out. We've got to do everything we can
15:50to get me back in there.
15:51Sha, I just told you. It's good. You're trending.
15:54Look, I'm just thinking, unless you delete all that old music, just the really political bits. What do you think?
16:00As your agent, let me deal with that stuff. You just need to act.
16:05Listen, there's videos of me online fucking pissing on a British flag.
16:09It's already out there. All you can do is own it. That makes you the edgy POC candidate.
16:14Yes, fresh blood. So, new fans for the great old institution. Listen, don't find a thing that got you here,
16:18you know?
16:19Huh. Okay, okay. So, what are you saying? Maybe I should lean into it? Or...
16:24Because Taze and them lot are doing a show tonight. I could maybe do a little thing there.
16:29There's nothing to lean into. You just are. Listen, just don't do anything and stay home.
16:34Yeah, yeah, yeah. Done.
16:52Ahhhhhhhhhh.
17:06Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
17:13oh shit hey what are you doing here me what are you doing here
17:20we all everywhere today pretty cool isn't it
17:41go let's get this back a quick yaw
17:49web and working really kill it Matt which I am NOTPoint to be political writte Turner
18:05audition let's see you know what we need to take pictures what i got
18:10safe man all right it's good to see you i'm just thinking what forget it forget it it's cool man
18:15no i'm not fair no no i'm just go on i just had a mad thought like wouldn't it be
18:19sick if i um
18:22i warmed up for you a lot tonight because i think the crowd would love it be like a reunion
18:26be like
18:26old times bro and like how dare you bro you know nothing you just you come back you act like
18:31you
18:32fucking own this place walking through here all like look at me look at me brother i didn't i
18:37didn't mean it like that i didn't mean i can't knock the hustle man yo maybe uh yeah i was
18:48thinking maybe
18:48i could come through the crowd like um you know like the old days well i'll meet you on stage
18:52with
18:52a mic shut up uh there's like a lot of hate coming at you on the internet right now just
18:57don't pay
18:57attention to it right it's all bullshit london are you ready for a case
19:33yes yes london special guest mc in the buildings mc right shot
20:03yeah
20:06have a nishani day have a nishani day mary mola kya hong
20:10sahi raastte per jas kya ham bhatak gaye
20:13ham subko maaf frama mary mola
20:19hai wasi taudur frama allah allah allah allah allah allah
20:27ah
20:45or salami
20:48fuck fuck yeah
20:51double oh seven
21:06shah latif welcome to sir chattrick stewart with me sir patrick stewart it's an honor to be here
21:13the honor is all mine i've hosted many fine actors on my little podcast but few who've had such an
21:20eventful 24 hours it's been a wild ride already that's for sure now i know a bond or two
21:27daniel craig's dear friend big shoes to fill do you think you're up to the job
21:33yes
21:35yes i do
21:37now more than ever i'm ready to show the world
21:40that i've got what it takes
21:42margill murray how are you thank god
21:43good yeah
21:45at least she tells me you do security for all the top wankers
21:48that's right yeah i'm always happy to take on a few up and coming wankers as well
21:53okay yeah do you do personal because i might have an event tonight yeah no we do the full service
21:58they haven't got a food taster if you need one right there you are let's have a look in the
22:01house
22:01and we can talk about that afterwards yeah so uh house is two points of entry hostile object
22:06into the front bay window those and the doors may need reinforcing and i was thinking maybe some uh
22:10visual deterrence along the perimeter if you have the bodies 60 friendlies expected tomorrow
22:15well you really know your stuff well i played the um translator in homeland season seven yes yes
22:21yes you did they got a lot of wrong on that show come on okay all right
22:25so your uh your guests are for idl fitter i presume yeah yeah okay yeah yeah i just want to
22:31make sure
22:31everyone feels safe yeah sure
22:34i might make more sense for you to start off upstairs and i was harder to defend a position
22:38at a higher altitude isn't it yeah okay well i'll take my shoes off and go upstairs yeah do you
22:42agree
22:42you can't really act this role part of you has to be it absolutely absolutely yeah luckily i'm already
22:53very experienced at navigating attacks of various kinds whether in the public eye or on the home front
22:59as it were yep you just got oh mandarin oriental thank you for stopping out felicia i'll speak to
23:05you later about the collar all right why what are you showing me right now it's a hotel okay they
23:09do free stays for celebs like michelle yo digger d fucking northwest nanny and bro your followers
23:16are blowing up okay it's a five-star safe house all of us one week is free obviously minus my
23:20costs but
23:22yeah look we're not going to a hotel i'm dealing with it i'm not going to get anything happen to
23:27you
23:27you don't need to be afraid i'm not afraid talking about man
23:40what the fuck's all this what does it look like security because i told you that i had security
23:44sorted so chill your pum pum out learn from the mandem it's not a fucking movie yeah is it
23:48what you want to ask where you got this from all this
23:52allah provides bro does he yes does he provide discount rate mujahideen as well
23:56i know these guys well they're too thick to make it into isis which isis is k isis l og
24:02isis
24:02they've got different standards i've heard
24:08they're only phds do they they're hard as fucking they're committed takbir
24:12i'm not trying to start a madrasa yeah i i'm just trying to bring in some real actual protection if
24:17you
24:17just listen to me for once if i want your protection i'll ask for your extra small condoms
24:22you like that one of the tiny lully yeah stop pressing me cuz i'm going to chat to our boss
24:26we have to discuss this
24:27doing my birthday and everything
24:30what are you doing any bag of wine could just forget that's because you've taken off the back
24:36door that's why i've hired a professional i'm not doubting that i'm just if you let me do it
24:41then you'll be better for everyone sean conry to the rescue is it how do you understand
24:46shah shah beta shall you better be a janu and help me take this to the car
24:5360 people's a lot for reed your mommy needs my help
24:59what are you doing oh i chill mommy bastard you chill 20 fucking years she's been trying to steal
25:06eat already bringing a country swelling kebabs well i like kebabs you know i'm here
25:13naila are you do this like that it's a joint effort now i'm just doing my part i know you
25:18have done
25:18already so much should you take the pots inside why are you giving naila andy more work it's nothing
25:23that i was telling you i could be doing so much more but sadly it's no longer safe here now
25:30why not
25:31moving into my house who's not serious everybody stop can you stop deep baba can you just come here
25:37please can you stop the work everyone right let's have a little chat about eid and the plan
25:40it's your plan yeah what uh outsourcing our protection that is free mason nonce i'm not a
25:44nonce should have gone to the hotel nigel's hit to help secure the the house
25:48gardener kuch they are me house won't be ready food won't be ready naila naila please shut you
25:53sorry guys the prophet please be upon him exactly exactly exactly he said it best when he said uh
25:59uh trust in allah but tie up your camel my guy he knows his stuff you gotta hand it to
26:06him i just
26:06want to say that holy days like this are an absolute lightning rod for bad actors so perhaps you should
26:10think about moving your age celebrations to a different location hey bencho chup one layover in dubai
26:15thinks he knows our business ko nah i got tremendous respect for islamic culture especially after six tours of
26:48afghanistan
26:50nice well he's not my brother he's my cousin but he was raised with us okay complicated all right
26:55well look this is for you as you quote although i would be willing to postpone payment you know
27:03in consideration of the future work because if my internet searches are correct then you will
27:08be needing our services a lot more in the future oh well let's um let's see what happens i'm just
27:13really reasonable could you just leave it with me i'm getting a few different quotes in that's fine
27:16okay oh so did you want me to uh provide a personal for tonight i can send one of my
27:20best guys what you
27:21do you asked me to do security not but tonight i did him yeah so when we needed thank you
27:27for coming
27:28by it yeah no absolute pleasure yeah well oh by the way they've stolen dash cams the battery life is
27:34so bring a charger all right you can have that for free cheers my dog why are you wasting your
27:40money
27:41on these render face bro i've had your back since day
27:52i heard you go into this gala tonight on your own or
27:59i've got a plus one is it
28:04i've got any shoes on trainers can i range it oh get rid of you
28:22fucker
28:32wait that is a proper go fuck out there it's a good job i came to babysit you
28:36ah bro you might be taking care of the muscle but i'm winning over the hearts and minds yeah
28:41but when you're in the middle of a culture war that's the real battleground big man how are you
28:44gonna fucking battle them with your horny makeup face what you know the face that you do when you're
28:48on the red carpet it looks like you're trying to shag that camera but you're worried the camera's
28:51gonna shag you no i'm not don't put that in my head right now you're gonna put me off
28:55okay for confirmation what is that yeah what man i look good there you look like you're making a pervy
29:00version of planet earth oh let me just see something raj taka mother fucker is all right
29:06all right don't jizz on my level seats you can't afford the cleaning fee okay listen let's just go
29:10there and smash it all right brother we are already fucking smashing it okay we are arriving in the
29:14muba prime experience look at this halal harry bubbles custom specifically branded zamzam water your
29:19little mini dildo on the dashboard cuz look at me we are arriving like this is fast and furious but
29:24without the four skins you understand come on let's get it because yes yeah you ready yes okay
29:28learn curry cut it yeah come on don't do that on the red carpet i can't guarantee
29:46there's a lot of excitement but also some displeasure at the idea of a gujarati playing pond
29:53proving those voices wrong has been my life's mission how so oh it's why i want the role it's
30:00why i'm here speaking to you is that why you wanted to make a speech at the king's museum gala
30:04exactly
30:06to show people that this is what a hero can look like to show them that this too is what
30:11british looks
30:12like hey yo listen i support the team i support the team but when you finish tonight please get home
30:21with
30:22movers okay that's for you sorry there's no service in your area i'm turkish you're turkish then there's
30:27service in your area thank you excuse me sister no stop mc rickshaw mate can i get a pick you
30:37want a
30:37pick i'll kill you next week hey yo guys guys come and get a picture with your one and only
30:41fan come on
30:42oh hey bro you're ignoring me bro we gotta go man why are you going in there man sold out
30:49you should be out here with us hey yo yo yo let's wear the photo with you what's the problem
30:53bro if i get a photo to take with them it's not it's not the right image i'm going for
30:57right now
30:58all right the real change happens in there we gotta get in there
31:02listen i know you think you're his majesty's secret service or something yeah but don't go full coconut
31:06pussy around oh yeah then don't go into father on me then you want to respect my guy keep it
31:12real
31:12okay why don't you respect this watch and learn
31:17you're doing it again i'm not doing the face you're doing the face all right let me show you
31:23nah you know what that is you look like a paedophile german bro there's cameras why would you say
31:28paedophile because they don't have sound this photo hi so happy really i'm so glad to be here thank you
31:33this is my associate my girl much can learn um can i ask um who i might speak to about
31:39my speech
31:39this evening oh we don't have you done us doing this oh i think it's because i'm a last a
31:44last
31:44minute addition so well if you're new house i suppose yeah she's our new director okay oh i i'm
31:51i'm guessing i have a plus one uh mr sufika early ceo of movie enterprises i just think it should
31:58be
31:58like an official record i'm here tonight so thank you because where the have you bought us man this
32:04looks like the jaws bull sack you're from humble beginnings like me so how's your family dealing
32:12with all this the same way we deal with everything as a team together now i'm proud to say that
32:17we've
32:17all got each other's backs bro this is mad yeah i told you bro i've got stuff cooking
32:23assalamu alaikum sorry
32:28all right we've got to find this vivian yeah yeah no point me being here if i can't get on
32:34stage there
32:35she's museum director yeah my god what the fuck are you bro some evil bro look at this one all
32:41right
32:41listen uh i'm gonna go work on you should we take team her what not like that i mean like
32:46you
32:46convince her together like good packing bad paki what would that be like oh like good cop bad cop
32:53oh package i've got this one covered yeah you sure yeah yeah in a bit i'll be here
33:01singh let me tell you about this
33:11i'm vivian charlatif oh yes of course mr latif i wonder if i could borrow you for a moment oh
33:17absolutely although anything borrowed has to be given back now apparently what can i do for you
33:22mr i was actually wondering what i might be able to do for you there's nobody like muslims that can
33:26get you to where you need to be on time but we are on time for prayers five times a
33:30day if you
33:30call me zufi can you get me to where i need to go i'll get you there this museum means
33:35a great deal
33:36to me and i saw you had a number of protesters outside yes and it thrills me to see young
33:41people
33:41engaging in a conversation about our shared heritage and culture in fact we invite this kind of dialogue
33:47is it a dialogue though if you don't have an ambassador of sorts to help bridge the divide
33:51between those on the inside and comes out there who's your name ali reza ali reza i'm feeling
33:56the iran yes yeah a bit of farsi my guy come on yes we could be in that region i
34:01for one would be
34:02honored to get up there and say a few words about may i about how i'm global britain truly is
34:07both in
34:07its artifacts and its people you know i'm an eighth indian i did not wow what about yourself where you
34:13from london you're from london you sound with originally from london but i understand your latest
34:20acquisition is is from a muslim country yes but treasures like the one we're unveiling tonight don't just
34:24belong to islam they belong to us all so i can go up and say a few words i'll be
34:29very brief no
34:30miss latif that's simply not how we do things around here this isn't a pop-up banksy exhibit
34:35besides we already have our dear friend raj takar giving a speech enjoy your evening
34:47and now to the more uncomfortable part of our chat you didn't think this was going to be all
34:53softballs did you raj takar your rival i wouldn't call him that come on come on you can be honest
35:01i
35:01can't be in the same room as ian magneto mccallan oh sorry sir ian magneto mccallan i just think that
35:09there's plenty of room for all of us at the top oh please a day ago you were the only
35:14brown bloke up
35:15for the job and now there are two and word on the web is he'd make a better bond yeah
35:21well i don't
35:22really pay attention to what people say about me it's just not in my nature you should old chap
35:26he's a bigger name with a bigger fan base and i dare say he's thought of as a better actor
35:32that's subjective cut the camel shit latif you couldn't even convince that museum director to
35:39let you speak how do you expect to convince the world that you can be bond you don't stand a
35:46chance
35:46in a horse pajamas do you you pussyhole he's the god edition you push can
35:55no use being angry with me you only have yourself to blame i'm trying try harder do you understand
36:07here he is hey hey i love this man i haven't seen you in a minute bro yeah when was
36:13the last time i
36:13saw you um mango tree premiere yeah yeah yeah thank you for coming man you were so good in that
36:19thank
36:19you do you guys see that under the mango tree so it's about this magical mango tree this white
36:24woman eats a mango she travels back in time to colonial india falls in love with this indian guy
36:29and they have this relationship over space and time it's about her loves timeless and crosses all sorts
36:34of boundaries i don't know why i didn't connect more actually can i where are you from yeah yeah thanks
36:40a
36:41lot um you look incredible by the way and very very small getting photographed in the tugs and holding
36:45that drink it's uh just here to support one of our nation's most important cultural institutions
36:50um just the one thing's got people going mental hasn't it yeah people are passionate man it's just
36:58um that the hate though i hate is it's a lot right i know you're probably probably getting a lot
37:03of that
37:03too not really nothing to cry about you just gotta stay grateful people are busting their asses at
37:11dead-end jobs just to put food on the table we live in the dream yeah yeah there we are
37:15yeah
37:15hate's a small price to pay it is it's just some psycho sent a pig's head to my mom's house
37:22you serious yeah you know that's actually why i'm here um i want to show them that no amount of
37:28hate
37:29is going to make me hide and actually if this museum can house treasures from all around the world and
37:34this country has to take in people from all around the world am i right yeah preach bro just want
37:39to
37:39make a statement showing that this this too is what british looks like i love the passion man i'm
37:45so glad you said that because i heard that you're speaking later and i was thinking maybe we could
37:48tag team here yeah that's a great idea yeah you've got something important to say i want to be a
37:54part
37:54of that yeah i'll tell you what why don't i go up first and then i'll bring you up i
37:57would love that
37:58thank you my brother i love that man of course i really appreciate it there you are hey i know
38:04you
38:04this is my security guy the moober guy yeah i overheard you chatting about it earlier i love the
38:08concept thank you brother are you muslim help me all a little yeah have you got a card i'll spread
38:15the
38:15word nice yeah okay i gotta go that's my mom you brought your mom yeah yeah yeah i wouldn't be
38:23here
38:23without her so shouldn't be here without her you know it's all thicker that's me that's me good to see
38:28man
38:28yeah you too man he's either the sweetest twat i've ever met or the thickest twat you're a thick
38:37twat what security guy that's what i'm doing you literally told me to bring you here as security
38:45why are you getting cranky oh you haven't broken fast huh no i haven't of course i'm hungry man
38:51just have a little canopy bro just have a little something to eat nothing here is halal none of the
38:57little things the big things none of it have some halumi halumi is not israeli that's what
39:01they want you to think it's an arabic cheers prove it to me google it you know i don't use
39:05google
39:08thank you too kind good evening in 2001 we watched in horror as taliban fanatics laid waste to a once
39:22great nation's cultural heritage we wept as monuments to peace were turned to rubble but tonight
39:31we write this wrong after a nine-year 15 million pound restoration project it is my honor to present
39:40to you tonight the restored buddha of bamian
39:57now an extra special treat it is with great enthusiasm that i invite tonight's guest speaker
40:03to the stage the most gentleman of vampire hunter i've ever had the pleasure of meeting raj dhaka
40:16it's an honor to be here i mean wow this museum is home to artifacts from around the globe
40:26and so it should follow that england too is home to people from those same places
40:30and tonight is a celebration but i would like to speak with you all about my experiences as an
40:36englishman and as a person of color recently racist hate took the form of a severed pig's head
40:48delivered to my family's doorstep it was horrific there was blood everywhere
40:55my mother was left traumatized mummy i'm sorry
40:59but no amount of hate will make me hide
41:03those driven by prejudice
41:06they need to see us in these spaces
41:12and because this too is what british looks like
41:17thank you thank you
41:21excuse me latif you have a situation a man claiming to be your brother has been harassing and
41:27racially profiling museum guests
41:33oh and uh shah latif wanted to say something too i'm about to go on man
41:37shah otherwise we're gonna have to escort him off the premises immediately
41:59so let's talk about your big moment the speech that never was
42:05a silky bit of spycraft from thacker he's clearly made for the role not to mention he can get the
42:12bleeding lines out
42:15nine i can do better i can
42:18can you now let's see
42:21i also had a pig's head said to myself
42:23for themselves
42:27i am nice one dickhead you're more frozen than me but it's not your acting that's the problem is it
42:36it's who you are you don't have the balls to be bombed
42:44you turned your back on your own fans
42:48man slow down
42:49you turned your back on your own family
42:55face it people like you are never the heroes of the story you'll always just be a scared little
43:04that you're away
43:09send him back where he came from
43:14No!
43:41Yeah?
43:46You okay?
43:47Yeah, are you?
43:49What were you doing?
43:50Nothing. What were you doing?
43:52Nothing, bro. It's 2am. Were you talking to someone or what?
43:56Oh, sorry, man. I was just running lines.
43:59In a suit?
44:00Costume, innit?
44:02Oh, well, the moon's been sighted, so...
44:05Eve Mubarak, yeah.
44:09That night, you weirdo.
44:13Eat Mubarak, bitch.
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