The Claudia Winkleman Show Season 1 Episode 2

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Transcript

00:00Now you two, are you on a first date?

00:03We, yeah, we are.

00:04We are?

00:05We are.

00:10No one else would want to spend it with.

00:11I don't know about you guys, I now have 18 questions.

00:14Where did you, where did you meet?

00:16We met at Gaines Run Club, which is essentially 200 gay men running down the Thames on a Saturday morning.

00:23Hot.

00:23Yeah, and I was like really sweaty and beetroot faced.

00:28Yeah.

00:28And he asked me out.

00:31And here you are.

00:32Here we are.

00:33I feel good about this.

00:34I've got a good feeling about it.

00:35If you do get married, are we all invited?

00:38You're officiating it.

00:40Fine.

00:41I really hope this is your last date.

00:43Um.

01:10I've got a good feeling about this.

01:15it on his leg just some information some takeout if you will we have an audience and some very

01:22lovely guests and joining us on the sofa she is a comedian an award-winning podcaster who's

01:28currently breaking records with her latest stand-up tour it's joanne mcnally

01:42he's the better nominated creator and star of man like mo bean he's now appearing in the

01:48prime series bait it's guz khan

02:00she is a golden globe winner for west side story an olivier award nominee for evita

02:07and now she's back at the london palladium it's rachel zeglar

02:20and he's the singer songwriter who found global boy band success with one direction he's now

02:27a chart-topping solo artist who sold over 90 million records back with a brand new album it's niall

02:42oh

02:58does that always happen just screaming every single day of my life

03:03walking into the shop just ah drink drink have a beer um i'm not gonna lie i'm

03:07shitting myself claudia no i'll be honest you should be i have quite a few things to bring up with

03:13you but i'm sure before that it was st patrick's day this week niall st patrick's day is it big

03:20deal

03:21in your world yeah well we uh i think how powerful ireland is like culturally around the world and i'm

03:28like a little flag bearer going around two of us just going around london just going we're from ireland

03:34and we love being irish so we're happy to celebrate any day to be honest but paddy's day is another

03:39excuse isn't it um it's definitely grown legs worldwide we're kind of the favorite we're the

03:44favorite you're the favorite people yeah and you know i know that because i did a bit of digging and

03:49the

03:49passport the irish passport is the most expensive passport on the dark web

03:54i swear to god guess how much it's worth 200 grand you can sell them niall you can sell yours

04:03when

04:03you run out of money now i don't have the dark web but once i figure out how to get

04:06on that i'm gonna

04:08sell mine and drive around in a lamborghini made of lobster bound while some russian gangster

04:12guys going through american immigration without a bother on him i might not look like her yeah i am her

04:20yeah you just get the bangs big shoulder pads you'd be grand yeah done um do you have do you

04:26love

04:26ireland i mean i love it but i don't 200 grand love it yeah do you like it yeah so

04:34rachel your best

04:36friend is yes your biggest fan yeah right which i'm sure you get this a lot when i was growing

04:42up

04:42and one direction was getting very popular i was getting into les miserables so i wasn't really me too

04:49i've seen it multiple times yes of course and my best friend when i was a kid i've known her

04:54since i

04:54was one oh her name is carly and she had a cardboard cut out of you in her bedroom so

05:01when we had

05:01sleepovers do you know who watched me sleep

05:05it's all coming back it's all coming back it's all coming back to me it really quite intense hello to

05:15her

05:15hi carly hello carly hi diva hi diva

05:23now we need to talk about the new album yes

05:33it's called dinner party we have a visual here

05:40there she is oh my god guys i i i i'm not anti it but is this gonna happen all

05:45night

05:46yes um yeah okay and the the singles dinner party it's out i believe now and it was written

05:54about a very special dinner party wasn't it yeah i i wrote this song it's the lyric kind of does

06:01it's like

06:02broncel it does exactly what it says in the tin it it tells you exactly what happened from

06:06from the night i met my girlfriend she was a late screaming

06:14she uh yeah she was like a late addition to a party that was at and um yeah i just

06:20got chatting to her

06:21offered her a drink we got chatting um she says that we didn't kiss that night i disagree i think

06:26we did

06:28and uh it's one of those things that you don't expect to be to be writing about like a big

06:34once

06:34in a lifetime moment and it kind of happened to me which is pretty cool so i got to write

06:38about it

06:38can i also just say the energy since you mentioned your incredible partner has changed

06:43english before before it was all like wow niall as soon as you bought off niall don't mention it i

06:52wasn't

06:52going to bring it up of course i wasn't going to bring it up it's going very late in here

06:57by the way i just met her she's this is going to make it worse divine

07:08do you like dinner i'm nervous of a dinner party i don't want a napkin in the shape of a

07:14swan

07:15yeah uh or play set i just worried that i'm gonna do something wrong do you love a dinner party

07:20it's something that i've definitely gotten into the the older i've gotten it's one of those things

07:24it's a it's a coming of age thing isn't it having a dinner party it's like i mean i just

07:28sat down for

07:29dinner and kind of throw a pizza in the oven or something generally but now that i'm uh older

07:35i have dinner parties obviously you two where do we stand on dinner parties i can't i can't cook

07:44shit why would i remove jobs from the hard-working people at nando's there's no need to go to them

07:53i receive my food it's a wonderful transaction and there's no there's no dinner parties in my house

07:57i've got five kids man wow i um i'll attend i won't host i use my airfire to hold my

08:04keys do you bring

08:05food will you like do a potluck no okay i'll arrive when the food has been done and just and

08:11the party

08:11is beginning right and i i'm the same as you deliveroo this is highly embarrassing but obviously we're in it

08:18now contacted me and asked me if i'd like a business account because they thought i was a company

08:23i swear to god my problem with delivery is i'll do an order you know you're in trouble when they

08:30deliver it with like four sets of chopsticks and i'm like just me in my bed

08:35i leave the noodles with my hands thanks for coming

08:40now we have got a clip of the song one kiss on your neck it was so concrete i'm done

08:49looking for somebody

08:53behind closed doors things i never felt before

08:59i love the details of

09:29that's it

09:29The single the name and when it's out and then we can go who the single is dinner party. It's

09:34out today

09:34And the album is coming very soon

09:45Niall I found out some other information about you which I'm obsessed more information about me for Vogue you went

09:51through your beauty

09:52routine

09:58Oh

09:58And by the way it would not fit on these cards not even

10:06There are 22 steps wait one you light a candle to set this tone

10:14Give me a minute go on I'll give her a half an hour

10:17I thought there's a cold water splash pardon

10:23Number nine is you play with big silver balls

10:28There are so many tell me what you actually do I do quite a few of them to be fair

10:32I'm quite I'm quite a big into the skincare do the ice water in the morning three or four dunks

10:40I

10:40Actually I'm gonna action all the time

10:42I know

10:43We've got it a couple of moisturizers and like

10:47Serum a moisturizer as to have a spray, but it's like a cold plunge for your face. Yeah, it's fucking

10:53he's actually 72 years old

10:54Yeah

10:58You do I'm so impressed I'm used to dealing with lads who clean their face with a scrub daddy

11:02I've never

11:04Anyone would get it

11:05I agree

11:07I need to move up in the world

11:09Yeah

11:12Guys what are you doing in the morning?

11:14By the way, look how immaculate that skin is

11:16I know, yeah

11:17I know

11:17Like I wash my face

11:21Sometimes, you know, sometimes some mornings is hard

11:24My wife puts that, um, is it like a blackhead strip?

11:27What is that?

11:28Blackhead strip

11:29I don't know what it is, but every time is

11:31Every time she puts it on

11:33She insists that she's the one to take it off

11:36And when she peels it, she does the same thing every time she peels it looks at it and says

11:40Disgusting

11:43Just so you know

11:44Very satisfying though

11:46Did she rip it off, like, quick or slow?

11:49It depends on the mood

11:50Got it

11:51Got it

11:51I think what I'm, my plan is to, um, two-step skincare and then just eventually get a gorgeous Korean

11:58facelift

11:59Yeah

12:00Wow

12:00How, how, we can all be doing it?

12:03Yeah

12:03I want it, they just yank you off

12:05Yeah, they yank you off

12:06Yeah, yank you right off

12:08The problem is, where did the folds go?

12:09Who cares where the folds go?

12:10Okay

12:11Goes into the back of your ears

12:12Right

12:12I want my eyes on my head

12:14I want so much plastic surgery

12:15When they cremate me I won't burn

12:16I'll just

12:19It just melts

12:20It just melts

12:22It just melts

12:23Yeah

12:24Can't wait

12:25It is

12:26It is

12:27It just shrinks

12:28Remember those crisp packets in the 90s they used to put in the oven

12:31They'd just shrink

12:32Yeah

12:32That would be mean

12:33Fingers crossed

12:34That's my goal

12:35Yeah

12:36It's a good goal

12:37I like it

12:37I want my eyes on the top of my head

12:39Yeah

12:41I want my ass on my back

12:42That's what I want

12:43Yeah

12:44I'm following you

12:45Yeah, of course

12:47Rachel

12:48Rachel

12:48You're back in the UK

12:49Back in the Palladium

12:51Yeah

12:51And you're here for a very special week of concerts

12:54Yeah

12:55I'm doing a week of concerts of the 25th anniversary of the musical The Last Five Years

12:59With my good friend Ben Platt

13:01There we are

13:02There's our chasing

13:03Oh yeah

13:04And it's so so special

13:06But it's directed by the writer and composer Jason Robert Brown

13:10Who will also be on stage conducting playing piano all those things

13:14And I've just been dying at the opportunity to work with my good friend Ben

13:17I'm so excited

13:18What I love is when I came to see you earlier you were like I was watching Ben sing today

13:22He was amazing

13:23It's just

13:24It's actually disgusting

13:25Like

13:26It's offensive

13:27I'm mad about it

13:28Yeah, you get it

13:29It's like

13:30It's one of those things where you watch your friends be talented

13:33And you're just

13:34It's revolting

13:35I want to push him down the stairs

13:38Let's not do that

13:39But he'll feel the same way about you

13:41He will

13:42Maybe

13:43He really will

13:44I don't

13:46Please tell me when we can come and see the concert

13:49Tuesday, March 24th through March 29th at the London Palladium

13:54It's so exciting

13:55I can't wait

13:55I cannot wait

13:56Fantastic

13:57Yeah, you can

13:58Yeah, you can

14:00Yeah, you can

14:02Yeah

14:02Oh, yeah

14:04There

14:05There

14:06You at the Palladium

14:07We have to talk about Avita

14:08You've just been nominated for an Olivier Award

14:10Congratulations

14:11Oh

14:13So cute

14:17Um

14:17Yeah, there she is

14:19This is when you came out to the balcony

14:21Yeah

14:22And you sang

14:22When they first told you that idea were you like

14:25Don't be ridiculous guys

14:26Oh no, I was like whatever we need to do, let's make it happen

14:29It was beyond my wildest dreams

14:30I never could have imagined

14:31There were more people on closing night outside than there were sat inside

14:35Wow

14:36Unbelievable

14:37Wow

14:37There were like 3,000 people I think outside for the final night

14:40It went all the way down to the IKEA

14:42On

14:44You guys

14:45Yeah

14:46Yeah

14:47Yeah

14:47And it was unbelievable

14:48And there's 2,200 seats in the Palladium roughly

14:50Wow

14:51So it was amazing

14:52And were there some nights that really stuck with you?

14:54Pride

14:55Yeah

14:56Was amazing

14:56Because everyone was so hammered

15:00That they were singing along incorrectly

15:04I had a

15:05We could see the building across from me on Argyle Street

15:08Which was

15:08It's a building with restaurants

15:09There's offices I'm sure

15:11And there was somebody who stood in the stairwell

15:14And just kind of mimicked my every move

15:17In my direct eyeline

15:19It was hysterical

15:20I have to give kudos

15:20I don't know who they are

15:21Kudos to that man

15:23Thank you

15:24You saw Rachel didn't you?

15:26I did

15:26Crazy

15:26Yeah

15:27Why would you do that?

15:28You know

15:28It was the hottest ticket in town

15:29I had to pull a lot of strings

15:32To get in

15:33It was phenomenal

15:34If it makes you feel any better

15:35I am also disgusted by you

15:36Oh cool

15:37Yeah

15:38A lot of people are

15:40I was like

15:40The lungs

15:42And now you're funny as well

15:43I'm going to have to have you put down Rachel

15:44That's alright

15:46Everyone say goodbye to Rachel

15:48Now

15:48We have somebody here

15:50I believe

15:51Who is about to play Evita at the Swan

15:54Where are you?

15:55In Worcester

15:55Rosie

15:56Are you here?

15:57Rosie

15:57Hello

15:58Hi darling

15:59Rosie

16:00Number one

16:00Good luck

16:01When does it start?

16:0221st of April

16:03So soon

16:04Yeah

16:04Oh my god

16:05Are you excited?

16:06Yeah

16:06It's the time of your life

16:07Yeah

16:08This is the most exciting part

16:09Do you get enough water breaks?

16:11Um

16:13Yeah

16:13I know

16:15Baby I know

16:16Because I had this really fun thing

16:18Where I didn't have any costume changes

16:20Where usually

16:21As Eva Perrone

16:22I'm sure you have a lot of costume changes

16:23Drink

16:24During those

16:25Yes

16:25Because I didn't have any of those

16:27And I had to beg for water breaks to be choreographed in

16:30Olivier nominee

16:30Fabian Aloise

16:31Should win

16:32Just because he choreographed water breaks into my choreography

16:35And I bet those who saw it didn't even notice

16:39Right

16:39So

16:41But it's the time of your life

16:42Just take it with you

16:44Just take it with you

16:44It's so much fun

16:44You'll remember it for a lifetime

16:46Good luck

16:47Good luck Rick a leg

16:47Yeah

16:49Rick a leg

16:50So fun

16:51Thank you

16:52Thank you

16:54So fun

16:54Your Evita broke records

16:55It was the longest standing ovation ever

16:58Yeah

16:59In the West End

17:00How long did it go?

17:00Over 10 minutes?

17:01Over 10 minutes on closing night for sure

17:03But it was a

17:03It was one of those moments where I was used to doing

17:07I did Shakespeare in New York

17:08Like you don't get a standing o for everything

17:10But in New York it's very much a part of the culture

17:13After the show is done everybody stands

17:14And I was told many times before the run started like well just you know

17:19It doesn't mean they don't like it if they don't stand

17:21It doesn't mean that because London audiences are a lot more reserved

17:24Which I for one really love

17:26And we got a standing ovation every night

17:28And it was bizarre to everybody in the company

17:31That that was what was going on

17:32And the closing night was I think it was like 12 minutes

17:35It went over the record which was 10

17:39How do you what face do you pull?

17:42There are many videos of me turning to James Olivas who plays Peron

17:46Where I go I don't know what to do

17:48I don't know what to do

17:50And also like I said didn't really have any time off stage

17:54I had to pee so bad

17:56That I would always be like Alan wrap it up

17:58Because we were waiting for

18:00A reprise of money kept rolling in to come in

18:02So that we could dance off the stage

18:03And it just never came

18:05And so there are also videos of me being like

18:07I have to pee

18:10Because you had water breaks

18:12I've got I had

18:13You've had water breaks and you're not wearing a nappy

18:15I had exactly

18:16I had very rare water breaks

18:18So when I could drink water you best believe I was chugging

18:21Yeah

18:21So it was one of those where I had to pee so bad at the end of it

18:24It's a three-hour musical

18:26And I did not leave the stage once

18:28The only time I left the stage was to go get ready to go do the balcony

18:30And then I came right back onto the stage

18:32So I didn't have any time to pee during the show

18:34Rachel you need a shiwi I used it a glass to breathe

18:38Not that I used it

18:40Not that I used it

18:40Very effective

18:43Now Gus we need to converse about Bait

18:47It's a brand new show for Prime Video

18:50That's correct

18:51This is a creation of Riz Ahmed

18:53I've known Riz for quite some time

18:56I knew him before I even stumbled into this

18:57And he's been really honest

18:59It's a real honest story of what it's like for a guy from a working class family in Wembley

19:05To have done all the stuff he's done

19:06But every time that big role comes

19:09That big opportunity comes

19:10Something goes wrong

19:11Or it doesn't quite happen

19:13And it was wicked to work on it with him

19:16Because it's so honest

19:17It's a lot of his real life and his real story

19:19So yeah, it's got a lot of humour

19:20It's completely crazy

19:22That's how Riz likes to do his stuff

19:24And I think it's very unique

19:25Something that people won't have seen before for sure

19:27This is about Riz going for Bond, right?

19:30He has an audition

19:32And it's like

19:32It's four days

19:33That's the story of Bait, isn't it?

19:36Can I tell you the truth?

19:37Yeah

19:37I'm not really sure

19:38No, I'm a truthful person

19:44It's a month of Ramadan

19:45I've got to tell the truth, okay?

19:46Yep

19:47I'll be reading my words

19:49And then I go to sleep

19:50That's all I do

19:54Come on, Abby

19:55I'll break another person

19:56My line

19:57I'll break another person

19:58My line

19:59My line

20:00Can I just tell you that the 3R for the show

20:02I just heard her back there

20:04Bang her head against the thing

20:06It's really good though

20:07I can tell you that

20:08It's really good

20:08Should we have a clip?

20:10If you want?

20:10Yeah

20:10Yeah, why not?

20:12Calm down, it's just an audition, yeah?

20:14Call me if you need a body double for sex scenes

20:17Can you tell her to call me as soon as she comes back in?

20:21Yes

20:21Okay, bye

20:23I don't know if this is a good thing or a bad thing

20:27I've just got to sort this out

20:28And work it out

20:30Yo, yo

20:31Look at me

20:32I'm proud of you

20:34Yeah?

20:36James

20:36Come on, my guy

20:37Come on

20:38Let's see what happens

20:38Of course, inshallah

20:39But do they know about the height?

20:41What do you mean?

20:43Are they going to give you special shoes?

20:44Like James was a big enemy

20:49I'm just saying it for you

20:52For you

20:52Yes

20:53Come on, man

20:55Come on

20:57Come on

21:16Does that make any kind of difference on somebody?

21:17Unless Riz Ahmed

21:18Can I say that we should have a short James Bond

21:20Because how are you going to be so tall and sneak it around like a secret agent?

21:24Exactly

21:24I don't see it

21:25I've been saying that for years

21:28LAUGHTER

21:30Where did you first meet him?

21:32Where did I first meet Riz Ahmed?

21:34For legal purposes, I've been asked to frame this story

21:37LAUGHTER

21:39To go back like 20 years

21:41Could be a little bit more

21:42And I'm from Coventry

21:44I still live there

21:45And I, before I did this, had different vocations

21:48Mm-hmm

21:50One of my vocations was selling tulips

21:55Let's go with that

21:57Let's go with that

21:58Beautiful tulips they were

22:00Right?

22:00I was a florist

22:01People really like the flowers

22:02Every time they get this

22:03They're brothers

22:04This flower is the best flower

22:05I ever smell in my whole life

22:07OK?

22:09I was in an alleyway

22:10With my still best friend till this day

22:12And a gentleman comes running into the alleyway

22:15And when you're selling tulips late at night

22:16Everyone's on edge

22:17Of course

22:19LAUGHTER

22:20Go with it, guys

22:21I looked down

22:22I looked down the alleyway

22:23And there's Riz Ahmed

22:25But I didn't know it was Riz Ahmed

22:26And Riz Ahmed

22:27Was a little bit nervous about the activity of floristry

22:30In this particular alleyway

22:32LAUGHTER

22:32But to his credit

22:33Riz decided to venture down there

22:35To me and my friend

22:36And said

22:37My brothers

22:38I'm about to spit some bars

22:40In the Students' Union

22:41Would you like to join me?

22:43And I looked at my friend and said

22:44Probably not, man

22:45Tulips ain't gonna sell themselves, brother

22:47LAUGHTER

22:49My friend who's a good person

22:50He's a good geezer

22:52He said

22:52No, we should support this guy

22:53He looks kind of stressed

22:54So we accompanied him

22:56To the Students' Union

22:57This is Oscar-winning Riz Ahmed

22:5820 years ago

22:59And he performed

23:01Quite OK-ish rap music

23:03LAUGHTER

23:05To a group of six people

23:06In Coventry Students' Union

23:08And ten years later

23:10When I started doing like comedy

23:12And silly stuff like that

23:13He messaged me

23:14And he goes

23:15But can I ask you a question?

23:17I said, yeah

23:18He said

23:19Did you use to sell tulips?

23:21LAUGHTER

23:23In an alleyway in Coventry

23:25And I said

23:25Who are you?

23:26The police

23:27Go away!

23:28LAUGHTER

23:29And that's the story

23:30of how me and Riz Ahmed

23:31I mean...

23:35Crazy luck, right?

23:37He invites me to Eid every year

23:38Does he?

23:38Yeah, he does

23:39He's a good lad

23:40I can't...

23:40I'm gonna miss it this year

23:41Because I'm here

23:42But Riz invites me to

23:43Like they do Eid in New York

23:45Yes

23:46They do an Eid banquet

23:46And I'm missing it this year

23:47And I'm very sad

23:48But he's so...

23:49He's salt of the earth

23:50He's a good guy

23:51He's gonna have great flowers

23:52Yeah

23:52On the table

23:53Great tulips at Eid

23:54Loads of tulips

23:57And you've worked with another one

23:59Of your best friends

24:00Who is that?

24:00On this...

24:01Lumbu

24:02Because there's this show

24:03That I find very difficult to say

24:05So I'm gonna go very slowly

24:06Gus Khan's Custom Cars

24:08Quite tricky to say

24:09Well done

24:09Gus Khan's Custom Cars

24:10Er...

24:11And you do it with Lumbu

24:12And it is really funny

24:15Look at that

24:15I know nothing about cars

24:17Tell me about this show

24:18Well, this show came about because

24:21I do like cars

24:21I always have

24:23When we were younger

24:25Just growing up in a working class family

24:26In cars

24:27The idea of owning a car

24:29That was more than 750 pounds

24:31Was a bit of a dream

24:31Okay?

24:32And now you get to a stage in your career

24:34Where you can say to people

24:35I like cars

24:37Can we make a television show about it?

24:39Please somebody

24:39And they were...

24:40I was lucky enough for someone to say yeah

24:41But in my head

24:42I always wanted my best friend

24:44To come along on this journey with me

24:45My best friend is Lumbu

24:46To describe Lumbu

24:47He is a human sunflower

24:50Are we talking real flowers this time?

24:51Yeah, yeah

24:52Yeah, real flowers

24:54Making sure

24:55But I'm from B&Q

24:56Planet I'm in the ground

24:56Real legit

24:58That's tricky

24:59There he is

24:59Oh!

25:00Handsome boy

25:01But you know

25:02You realise

25:03When you bring your friends to make television

25:05They don't really respect the rules

25:08Tell me more

25:09So like

25:10If a call time is at 8.30 in the morning

25:12Uh oh

25:13And your friend turns up at 2.30 in the afternoon

25:16Right

25:17That probably isn't good

25:19Good for the rules

25:20Right?

25:20Yeah

25:21And it looks bad on you

25:22It looks terrible on me

25:23Sort of love him for it

25:24What was he doing?

25:25What was he doing until 2.30?

25:27Yeah

25:27Sleeping

25:28Oh wow

25:29Just he was tired

25:30I respect it

25:31I gotta respect it

25:32Yeah

25:32But it's an amazing thing to go on

25:34Like we've been messing around since we were kids

25:36And then we went on this journey to create this incredible custom car

25:39I'd never done that before

25:40But we did realise by the end of the show

25:42That he had created a car

25:45That based on his 6 foot 4 length

25:48And my 18 stone weight

25:51We couldn't fit in

25:53Now there's a custom car

25:54Somewhere in the streets of Coventry rotting in a car park

25:57If anybody wants it

25:57Go and take it

25:59It was a fun journey

26:00Really fun journey

26:01I cannot recommend it enough

26:02I don't know anything about cars

26:04But I was howling

26:05By the way you two talked to each other

26:07By the way you were talking

26:08There was something about an exhaust pipe

26:10Didn't know what I was

26:11I was in

26:11Yeah

26:12I was in

26:13Where can people watch

26:15I don't know what channel it's on

26:16But you'll find it

26:18It's on Discovery Plus

26:19Is it?

26:20Yeah

26:21And Bait

26:22Amazon for sure

26:23Correct

26:24Prime Video for Bait

26:26And you can witness Riz Ahmed

26:28I assume go on to win an Emmy

26:30Because he's incredible in it

26:32Support the show

26:32It's got proper British flavour

26:35It's got proper energy and humour

26:37Just enjoy it

26:38OK

26:39Thank you

26:39Thank you very much

26:43Before you got into comedy

26:45And before all of this

26:48You were a teacher

26:49I was a teacher

26:50What kind of a teacher

26:52Were you?

26:53A shit one

26:56I don't believe that

26:58I just don't believe that

26:59What do you

27:00I believe that

27:01I believe that

27:03You can see it

27:04That tracks

27:05Yeah sure

27:05What did you teach?

27:07Well

27:08Here's the thing

27:09So when you do your PGCE

27:11Yeah

27:12Specialised in teaching

27:13You do that in a specific subject

27:16Or set of subjects

27:17I never got round to teaching those specific sets of subjects

27:21Right

27:22So like I was basically like a really good big brother forward slash that fun uncle

27:28Yeah

27:28Around school

27:29And I would like to hope to think maybe that I had contributed in a positive way to the children

27:34of Grace Academy in Coventry if I didn't and you failure GCSEs I apologize

27:39That is the plot to school of rock without the music

27:41Yeah

27:42Can I tell you something?

27:44Yeah

27:44Your students loved you

27:45Did they love me?

27:46They loved you

27:47Would you like to say hello to them?

27:48No stop it

27:49I'm gonna cry

27:50Shut the front door

27:51I'm gonna cry

27:51It's in then

27:53Yes

27:55Hey Mr. Khan

27:57Give me another one

28:00Yes

28:00Give me another one

28:01Yes

28:01Come in you y'all

28:03Come in

28:06Come in

28:07Come in

28:08Come in

28:09Come in

28:10Come in

28:11Come in

28:12You're 25 now

28:14It's 25 now

28:15I've got C's

28:17Come in

28:18Come in

28:19Come in

28:25You bought all the brown ones

28:26What?

28:29Left on a poor white kids at home in Coventry

28:31Sit down please

28:32Have a seat on the sofa

28:35Hi

28:37Hello

28:38Hello

28:38Can I sit next to the...

28:40Yes, you can sit next to the...

28:42I've loved having a laugh with you but to hear their stories about how brilliant you were I don't wanna

28:48embarrass you we've gone a bit

28:49um, weird, but, but, but, you were much better than your saying,

28:58because, Simran, what did he do for you?

28:59You know what? As you see Mr Khan, yeah, in TV,

29:03it was just like how he was in school, yeah?

29:06I remember the first time I had him in a class, yeah?

29:09He goes, Oi, Simran, call me out.

29:12And I was like, I thought I was in trouble, right?

29:15And he was like, I can't be asked to do the presentation,

29:17slide next button, you sit there and you do it for me.

29:22I was like, safe, right?

29:24But then, the thing is, I was quite shy up until I had Mr Khan as my teacher

29:29and, again, he was that fun uncle vibes, right,

29:33where he made me feel comfortable

29:34and I started to gain a bit of confidence from that,

29:36but even after he left, knowing what he pursued

29:40was enough to inspire myself to pursue something different.

29:45You know, when you come from Coventry

29:47and you come from a South Asian background,

29:49you're not always pushed to do something creative.

29:51So now, you know, I went to uni, I passed.

29:54Yeah.

29:56I got an art degree!

29:58I got an art degree!

29:59I got art degree!

30:00And, and, and...

30:02And, yeah, it was like...

30:04You contributed more than you think.

30:05Oh!

30:07Oh!

30:09Come on!

30:13Oh, the family, are you okay?

30:16Nafis, tell us about Mr Khan.

30:18Nafis, why are you sweating so much?

30:21I don't know what I'm allowed to say, I'm not allowed to say, innit?

30:25I don't know what I'm allowed to say.

30:25Brother's got tulips in his inside pocket.

30:27I don't know what I'm allowed to say.

30:30No, you know what it is?

30:31This guy, he made us all feel like you can go out

30:34and do anything that you want.

30:36Coventry's...

30:37Coventry's known for tulips.

30:39So...

30:40Really?

30:42Well done.

30:43Everyone there is some sort of florist of one boy or another.

30:46No one...

30:47No one really thinks of Coventry and things,

30:49oh yeah, like someone's going to come out of there.

30:51So to see somebody go out and do it, like,

30:53I'll be the first one to say it.

30:54And everyone in Coventry has guses back in.

30:56Like, we're super proud of what you've done.

30:59Come on!

31:06Thank you so much, Simran Nafis.

31:17That was brilliant.

31:19Come on!

31:20That was beautiful.

31:22Is that nice?

31:24That was so nice.

31:26I never marked a book in my life, bro.

31:27I don't know about it.

31:30Um, it was so lovely.

31:31Thank you so much for coming.

31:33Thank you, you too.

31:33Jo-am, tell me.

31:35Your tour, you keep adding more dates.

31:37You are playing huge arenas.

31:40Pinot file.

31:41There it is.

31:43Pinot file.

31:45I file Pinot.

31:46It's a fun pun.

31:48It has made getting press a little difficult.

31:50So I'm delighted to be here, Claudia.

31:53Not every BBC show would take me with a name like that.

31:57You're doing huge venues.

31:59Fun or ever so slightly scary?

32:01It's cray-crack.

32:02Yeah.

32:02Sometimes I think it gets a reputation for being this kind of feral...

32:09I'll give you an example.

32:09A man...

32:10Because it's a predominantly female audience, okay?

32:12But a man messaged me and he was like, is it safe for me to come?

32:15And I was like, oh my God!

32:17They obviously think I'm running some sort of cannibalistic...

32:21Like, we're putting men in cauldrons and boiling them

32:23and then drinking their bone broth or something.

32:25Which I would do for a Netflix special, I think.

32:27LAUGHTER

32:28But no, it's great.

32:29I love it.

32:29Like, I love gigging.

32:30I love travelling around, living out of a suitcase.

32:33Yeah.

32:33We should say you broke records for the longest ever standing ovation

32:36at the Palladium.

32:37You broke a different record.

32:39Well, Rachel, I too played the London Palladium and broke a record.

32:43Come on.

32:44Mm-hmm.

32:45It was for wine cells.

32:47LAUGHTER

32:50CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

32:54Ears, my dear!

32:56So maybe they wanted to stand for me too, Rachel, but they couldn't

32:58because they were too pissed.

33:01But I love your fans.

33:02Isn't it true that every venue, like, I just...

33:05Not in a bad way, I just want to warn you that, like,

33:07have you got white wine, have you got Prosecco?

33:10And they're like, yeah, we've got enough.

33:11And you're like...

33:11We're similar women, the women coming.

33:14A little bit of, you know, we like a drink.

33:17Yeah.

33:18Bit of undiagnosed ADHD.

33:19Like, there's a vibe.

33:21Yeah.

33:21Mentally feral, physically groomed, you know.

33:24We might eat out of a bin on a weekend.

33:26That's the vibe of the show.

33:28LAUGHTER

33:29You know, like, it is what it is.

33:33LAUGHTER

33:36You know, you're talking about wee bricks.

33:38We're going to need one after this.

33:40LAUGHTER

33:40Penophile.

33:42On sale now.

33:45LAUGHTER

33:47CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

33:49CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

33:50Um, you're doing one of these shows

33:52and you also would like to adopt a dog.

33:54I bought a house, finally on the ladder, I have a garden.

33:58Lovely.

33:58I was like, I'll obviously rescue a dog, because that's what you do.

34:01Are you adopted?

34:02Also, I'm adopted myself, so I feel it's only fair to pay it forward.

34:04Yeah.

34:05And, um...

34:08True.

34:10LAUGHTER

34:12I'm a rescue dog.

34:14I'm a rescue dog.

34:15I'm a rescue dog.

34:16LAUGHTER

34:16So I would always rescue.

34:18I would never buy new.

34:21And, um...

34:21Shame on you for having your own children, Claudia.

34:23You should have adopted me.

34:25LAUGHTER

34:26How dare you.

34:27So, anyway, I went, I rang up, and it is so hard.

34:31Yeah.

34:31And now I'll probably get rinsed for saying this.

34:34But, like, I was like, blah, blah, blah, I want to adopt a little.

34:36And they were like, do you have a car?

34:38And I was like, no.

34:39I said, I have access to an e-scooter.

34:42LAUGHTER

34:43And they were like, oh, do you don't have a car?

34:44And I was like, they're like, you can't adopt a dog.

34:47And I was like, what am I driving it to?

34:48It's piano lessons.

34:50LAUGHTER

34:51It's, if you...

34:51Because I couldn't...

34:52If you don't have a garden, they don't.

34:53But I have a garden now, I'm going to fail.

34:55Yeah, fine.

34:55Then you can have a whole litter, hive, I don't know.

34:59LAUGHTER

35:01So you have these lovely fans.

35:04What is the wildest thing your fans have ever done?

35:07One time in the Apollo, I could sense there was, like,

35:11a kerfuffle in one of the balconies.

35:14And I was like, what is going on?

35:15It's kind of distracting.

35:16You're like, what's going on?

35:16You don't want to stop the show where you're dying to know

35:19the tea of what's happening.

35:20Yes.

35:21Yes.

35:21And there was a woman taken out.

35:24Again, I'm not really selling the show here.

35:25I'm worse than you.

35:28There was a woman taken out by her arms and her legs.

35:30Like, Carrie Day?

35:31Yeah.

35:32Oh, Lord.

35:33Yeah.

35:34I was like, I'm raging, I missed that now.

35:36That would have been worth stopping the show for.

35:38I think her bag fell over the balcony and she was trying to get it

35:41and they were worried she'd fall and I don't know.

35:43Anyway, look, it's fine.

35:46It's a safe space.

35:48We put seat belts in the balconies there, they're strapped in.

35:51I can't move.

35:52Um, now, Joanne, your fans are a bit like a cult.

35:56They love you.

35:57Would you be up for joining one?

35:58Because I definitely would.

35:59I have a cult vibe.

36:02I'm suggestible.

36:03I'd be easily, like, I think I'm involved in an aloe vera pyramid

36:07already, which is kind of pushing on cult vibes.

36:11I like the sense of camaraderie.

36:14Yeah.

36:14Do you?

36:14Yeah, and you don't have to die alone, you die in a gang.

36:17And everyone drinks the poison, but I'm such a boozer,

36:20I'll probably just completely survive and live.

36:22I wake up, I'm going to be dead, I'll pop us up and get out of my day.

36:25I do, my agent won't book hotels near Scientology centres

36:29because he's like, you'll go in.

36:31Really?

36:32I don't like cults, yeah?

36:33Don't want to be part of them, don't like reading about them,

36:36don't like watching Netflix documentaries about them, they're scary.

36:38You've got a cult vibe.

36:40Me?

36:40Yeah.

36:42I would, I would join.

36:43Oh, you mean as the leader of a cult?

36:45Yes, your leader vibes, yes.

36:47Yeah.

36:47I'm very follower vibes, yeah, your leader vibes.

36:50The glasses and all, come on.

36:52The glasses and all.

36:54The glasses and all.

36:54Guys, here's the thing.

36:56Tell us about when you went on holiday.

36:59The first time I went to America, it was for work.

37:02I've never been to America in my life, I always thought I'd struggle to get in.

37:06So, like...

37:07Me and Irish pass for Irish passers.

37:10Yeah, yeah.

37:11200 grand.

37:12No.

37:13You don't need the bunny, Niall.

37:16I tried to get into America as Niall, I would be in Guantanamo Bay for the rest of my life.

37:22Can you imagine that?

37:24Can you imagine that?

37:25Yeah, I was in one direction.

37:27Yeah.

37:29You all laugh, but he's not wrong.

37:33I live there.

37:35Where were you going?

37:37To Los Angeles.

37:38OK.

37:38Yeah.

37:38And so I said to my wife and the kids are like, this is going to be an incredible trip,

37:41let's do it there.

37:41Of course, let's do it, mate.

37:43And I'm like, yo, this is exciting.

37:46Let me book somewhere incredible in the Hollywood Hills.

37:50Here we go.

37:50I love my wife and my children.

37:52And then I saw how much it costs to book somewhere in the Hollywood Hills.

38:11It looked sick and it was cheap.

38:13No ratings.

38:13Yeah, I know.

38:14I'm an idiot.

38:15You've met me now.

38:16You've been sitting next to me.

38:17You know how this stuff goes.

38:18You'd be terrible on a call.

38:20So I booked it and we got to the airport and there's a wonderful driver that was there to

38:24pick us up and he said, so brother, where are you going?

38:26And I was like, oh, he had Topanga.

38:28He went, oh.

38:30I said, why you say, oh, four like that?

38:32He said, brother, man, I'm saying brothers like me and you, we don't be in Topanga.

38:39Immediate worrying sign.

38:40But I thought, anyway, it's cheap.

38:42Two of the kids are asleep.

38:43One's vomiting in the back.

38:44Let's just get to Topanga.

38:45OK?

38:46So we're heading up to Topanga and it's very, it's very like uphilly.

38:51Yeah?

38:51There's a lot of altitude and we're travelling there and he's telling me all these terrible

38:54stories about, man, shit, man, ain't nothing around here.

38:58I said, where's the hospital?

38:59He said, shit, I don't know, man.

39:01I don't know about nothing around here.

39:03We should be here.

39:04Anyway, I'm listening to this geezer bang on and we get to the house.

39:07Pitch black.

39:08There's all noises of crickets and...

39:11I don't know what was going on.

39:13All kinds of animals I've never heard in my life, OK?

39:15I thought there was people in the butchers going...

39:20So it's pitch black and the instructions to get in this property are a bit weird.

39:23Yeah?

39:24You've got to go around the back and there's no lights.

39:26But there were, like, security cameras all over this house, right?

39:31So we're walking around and then my kids, wherever they're walking, this camera's going...

39:36Yeah, definitely.

39:38Sketch as hell.

39:39Right?

39:39So my son's like, oh, Dad, the camera's following me.

39:41I said, shut up, man, you don't know what's going on.

39:45So we managed...

39:47We managed to get in the house and my middle son, Lispy, he's cool, like, because he's got a lisp.

39:51So Lispy's in the house...

39:54You're making that up?

39:55No, so Lispy's in the house and Lispy's like, yeah, we love him but, you know, he's got lispy.

40:00So we're in the house...

40:02Brother's got lispy.

40:04So Lispy's in his house and Lispy's like his dad and Lispy gets feelings.

40:07Lispy's like, Dad, man, Dad.

40:10This place is weird, Dad, son.

40:12And I'm like, shut up, son, man.

40:13Your mum's already angry at me.

40:14There's no electricity in the house.

40:15It's just dark in here.

40:16Anyway, so we found a couple of lights, all the mood light in, but, like, Lispy's there touching the walls.

40:20Dad, all the walls hollow.

40:22I said, sometimes walls be like that, son.

40:26So he's in the house and everyone's, like, trying to settle in to this good vibe, OK?

40:32I've got the feeling my wife's looking like, why are your eyes so wide?

40:35I'm like, Lispy says there's something weird in the house.

40:37I don't know what's going on.

40:39And so Lispy's run up the stairs, he's touching all the walls upstairs.

40:41And he come back down, he goes, Dad, Dad, I want to show you something, Dad.

40:48So I've gone upstairs with Lispy and my wife is like, shit, I should have never married you.

40:53And then...

40:56We've gone upstairs and then there's a room and he's managed to get it open.

41:01So it was locked, but Lispy's money is very resourceful, Lispy.

41:06He's managed to get it open.

41:07And in the...

41:09I swear to God, in the centre of the room was a cabinet, a very ornate cabinet.

41:15No.

41:15And I was like, Lisp, where you find this?

41:17Because I don't know, it's in the room, Dad.

41:20Look at this.

41:21He goes, it was locked, like, the door, but I was yanked on it now.

41:25He goes, look at what's inside, Dad.

41:28He's opened it double-handed.

41:33He's gone, Dad, Dad, what's all that red stuff?

41:37No.

41:38And in this cupboard, in the middle of this already creepy Airbnb, there are vials of blood.

41:46Lined up all across there.

41:48What?

41:48He said, Dad, Dad don't look good.

41:52I said, that is not good.

41:54We left the house immediately.

41:56I called the driver and the driver said, brother, I told you, man.

42:01You're supposed to be right here.

42:02Oh, my God.

42:03Never went back again.

42:04Bloody hell.

42:07We're lucky to be alive.

42:10The weird thing is, like, days later, like, the Airbnb listing was gone.

42:16So, big up, Lispy.

42:18He's the new love of my life.

42:20Yeah, genuinely.

42:21Right, so, we have almost come to the end.

42:25But before we close, this is quite a lot of pressure, but I just need to ask, the first date?

42:30I think it's been good, yeah.

42:32Aw.

42:32We didn't ruin it then, no?

42:33No, not at all.

42:34I don't know what we're going to do for the next date.

42:37Like...

42:38Yes, sir.

42:40Oh, no!

42:41And you should say that.

42:43I can sort that out for you.

42:46But maybe next time, I don't know, a dough ball and a drink.

42:51If you're still together at the end of the air, you can come and watch my show even if you

42:54like it or not.

42:56Do you want to come see a musical about divorce?

42:58I would love it, yeah.

42:59Oh, yeah.

43:00We'll be there.

43:01Awesome.

43:02Can you paint a bottle?

43:03I was going to say!

43:03Should we be carried out in all fours?

43:05What else can we do?

43:07From a balcony at the hammers with Apollo?

43:09I could do that.

43:10You want to come to yourself with tulips?

43:11LAUGHTER

43:17APPLAUSE

43:18Brilliant!

43:20That was amazing!

43:21That was amazing!

43:22That is it.

43:23We are off to play swing ball and talk more about tulips.

43:26I would like to thank my wonderful guests.

43:29Joanne McNally!

43:30Oh, yeah!

43:32Gus Conn!

43:33Rachel Zeglar!

43:35And Niall Warren!

43:36And Niall Warren!

43:37And Niall Warren!

43:38We are back next week when I'll be joined by Jimmy Carr, Chase Infinity and Lisa Kudrow.

43:46Good night.

43:52Turn up your weekend with Sophie Ellis-Bexter's Kitchen Disco.

43:56Listen now on BBC Sounds.

43:58Here, it's a lip-sync smackdown for The Crown.

44:02The final of RuPaul's Drag Race UK vs The World next.

44:06APPLAUSE

44:10MUSIC

44:11MUSIC

44:13MUSIC

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