- 6 minutes ago
The Trades S03E03 Heat Day 1 H 264
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TVTranscript
00:19You
00:20Holy shit, you fuckers got a death wish. What did you miss the announcement? Go shelter in place till we
00:24can make an official call. Go on get the fuck out of here. Thank you boys
00:31She's a totter to two rats fucking in a wool sock
00:52Guys the story is super fucky, okay, so don't let it shut
00:55I'm trying to get someone here to fix this, but my text won't spend
00:58I think anything south of trailer 17 is a black hole
01:03Bad signal. I don't know. Should we make a run for it find a better shelter?
01:08Roach hanging it never helps. That's not what she said man. I gotta take a wizard
01:18My god you're still genius. Yeah, totally man
01:22This one time I got a subscription to high times magazine for answering a skill test and question correctly. Oh,
01:29yeah
01:29What was it?
01:31What
01:35Oh
01:36Fuck come back. Oh
01:38Hey, man banging on it doesn't help
01:48Oh, yeah, I remember this is how real visionary scale themselves even though today. I'm in Frankfurt. I'm attending three
01:57meetings
01:58Simultaneously in three different time zones
02:00Oh, hey guys the AC units broken and I can't get reception to call an electrician
02:06Well, let me take a look
02:07You stay here
02:09Lanard you're a senior engineer leave this to the schlops. Hey, be careful of that door. It slams and sticks
02:17This is insane. There's no way to live
02:20I need to get the AC fixed my ass cheeks my nutsock can be stuck to this chair forever. Why
02:24would you put that in my head?
02:28Heat index over 40
02:30That's shut her down hot heat day. Oh, I'm calling it. Oh, yeah, beach day, baby
02:35Oh, I regret the words. I'm about to save it. We'll party at my place. No way. Oh fuck. Yeah
02:44Attention everyone. This is your GF the work day has been suspended due to excessive temperature
02:53Heat day fuckers, let's get wet. Let's see some dad bods out there. Yeah
02:59I'll inform any stragglers and I'll see you there
03:04Heat day pool party of Chelsea. Yes, I got beers in my truck bring them all. I'm your boss nuts
03:09in order Tase
03:12Do we have to invite Gen Conner? Fuck no. Yes. Oh
03:16Hey, man, while you're down there. Oh
03:19He pumps toast blasting hot air. Yeah, just like I told you
03:24Fuck face not much shit head
03:26Oh
03:28Okay, heat day is confirmed and Chelsea is hosting a pool party
03:32Oh
03:33Oh
03:33Oh
03:35That thing stick? It does
03:37Okay, I'll call for help
03:39We use no reception. No answer ding-dong
03:43Oh fuck me
03:45What in the french fried fuck?
03:48Good luck chumper
03:49Fuck sakes
03:51I will have the common sense to not yell at inanimate objects
03:57Nice homer. I'm feeling proud of your progress homer. Hang on Kim
04:03Hey Todd, I'm just on a call with my deprogramming sponsor
04:05Fucking right buddy. So listen, there's a pool party at Chelsea's and someone stole my fucking shorts
04:11Big whoop someone took my fucking job away
04:13We'll deprogram that listen come to the party you need to see your crew show everyone you're ready to go
04:17back to work
04:19Yes, it's time. I re-entered civilized society. I just I need to get paid again, man
04:23There you go. You dick twizzler listen, do me a favor
04:26Grab me a pair of trunks into the laundry and get the fuck over to Chelsea's. Yeah, I'm on it
04:33Okay, so um, I just got invited to a party and I think I'm ready to you. I mean, I've
04:38got my coping tools, right snacks?
04:41You know, why don't you go fuck yourself?
04:43And and I'll I'll practice deep breathing if anybody brings up pool chlorine even though it is chemical warfare on
04:49the body
04:50Would you like to hear the latest and you didn't hear this for me?
04:53But chlorine causes rosacea and fallen arches from one tooth or the other
05:00Astonishingly unhelpful stay strong my boys stay strong call you later
05:06Snacks
05:08a party
05:15That old spans and doors jamming these cheap trailers some with expansion windows all sealed and graded shut
05:24No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, don't panic don't panic. I got this
05:29Thank you, Dewey
05:33Epic fail. Oh, for fuck's sake, Dewey
05:37Everyone burn it!
05:40Oh my god! Oh my god!
05:42Oh my god!
05:56Guys, my body doesn't metabolize heat properly. I have no sweat glands. I'm gonna embarrass myself
06:04I'm not normal
06:05Not normal how?
06:07I pant like a fucking retriever
06:10Can you fetch?
06:11No, Roach. No, Roach.
06:13No, Roach.
06:13But I fucking bite
06:15Okay!
06:16Hey!
06:17R2 D-Bag!
06:19We're stuck in here! Go wheel yourself off and get some help!
06:23Okay, well, R2 D-Bag is on it.
06:26C3P, go fuck yourself
06:28Okay, uh, Leonard, Dewey, go find another way out of here
06:32Roach, fly, snap down and get a stone!
06:35Aye aye, Captain
06:37Don't panic
06:38Why are there so many fucking locks on this thing?
06:42Hello! There is a group stuck in trailer 19
06:47Eddie!
06:47Jason, thank goodness, we have a crisis
06:49We're all going to the boss's place for caviar and expensive cocktails
06:53Pooparty, wish you were here
06:54Wait, wait, wait, wait, oh
06:55You know what? You're all a group of party obsessed fools
07:00Hello? Yes, uh, thank you for calling me back
07:03Room 1308, I have one very important question for you
07:07Are your heirloom oats gluten-free?
07:12No, it doesn't work
07:13Good afternoon, Chelsea
07:15Aw, Homer, glad you came
07:17Would you, um, allow me, please?
07:20You do florals?
07:22Yes, Maureen's encouraged me to take up habits that are
07:25based in reality
07:26As she so eloquently put it and call this bullshit simulation a reality
07:31Drink all those beers, boys, or you're fired
07:34Thanks for having us, Chelsea
07:35Pleasure, nice break
07:36Right? Homer, you okay?
07:39Glad you came, but go back to my place if you're feeling triggered to whatever the
07:42fuck is happening here
07:43You know, I could go back and keep working on your hot tub
07:47As you were, my man
07:48Here are your shorts
07:50Wow, this place is insane
07:52It's all right
07:53Homer, are you okay? You want a beer?
07:55Oh, fuck, I love it when a heat day comes together
08:04I'm leaving
08:06Close-loop sauna in here
08:10Roach, man, you've had a screwdriver this whole fucking time?
08:13Screwdriver?
08:14No, that's my vape driver
08:16Good idea, though
08:18Oh, Leonard
08:20If no one comes, this sandwich will keep us alive
08:24You protect your lunch
08:26All I want is this Leatherman
08:28Okay, where were we?
08:30Marry Chelsea
08:31You should totally marry Chelsea, dude
08:34Your life would smell like a five-star hotel, man
08:37I'd marry Chelsea
08:38Marry Chelsea
08:40And fuck Jen Pops
08:42Euphemism
08:44Is that a euphemism?
08:46It just rhymes, idiot
08:47This could be the way out
08:48God damn it
08:50He's so fucking tight
08:51Pinching my bag and going right up my hole
08:53Fuck
08:54Dumbass packed me the wrong shorts
08:57Those are Audrey's shorts
08:58Yeah, no shit
08:59They're riding right up my hole
09:01Oh
09:02Oh
09:03There's a nice old lady staring at your sweet and juicy candy ass
09:07Hey, big boy
09:08You got barf written right across your arse?
09:11He sure does
09:13Gladys, ignore her
09:15Hello, Gladys
09:16I guess I'm wearing pants
09:18No, you're not
09:19Yoink
09:19Hey
09:19I like those shorts
09:20Take them, Gladys
09:21They're my property now
09:22Can I have my pants, please?
09:24Back off
09:25I will tear the both of you apart
09:27Oh, I've got the stamina
09:30Believe me
09:31Good to know
09:31I can't wear these fucking things
09:33You're fucking right you can
09:34Hey, Gladys
09:35Don't threaten me with a good time, my dear
09:38Let's fucking go, boys
09:40Taser
09:42And fuck with the ladies
09:44Taser, why would you bring your kids to a work party?
09:46Just trying to be a better dad
09:47You spend quality time, right kids?
09:50Oh, that hurts
09:51Well, it hurt me when you didn't take us for ice cream on the way here
09:55Yeah, Taser, we're hungry
09:57You taught us to get fed here
09:58Your kids call you Taser?
10:00Remember we talked about this
10:02I'm your dad
10:03You call me dad
10:04Love you babies
10:05We're having fun
10:07Oh, come on
10:09Good kids
10:10You having fun, fun dad?
10:11Nice shorts
10:13And now there's children here
10:15Hold steady
10:19Here we go, baby
10:20Oh, fuck yeah
10:22You got it, Audrey
10:23A little higher
10:24I got a knot
10:26Guys, this isn't a fucking back massage
10:27Oh, yeah
10:29You're good
10:31Shit
10:32Guys
10:32You have to hoist me out
10:34Okay
10:35Giddy up
10:35Here we go
10:37Open the eyes in the daylight
10:38I don't know if you're fit, Nick
10:40Shit
10:41I gotta get down
10:46Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, easy girl
10:49You just need a little cloud cover
10:52I'll take some, too
11:00Oh, no
11:02I have a contact eye
11:04I've never done drugs before
11:05There's no going back, man
11:09Nice shorts, bag licker
11:12You little
11:14Those are Louboutins
11:15And that might mean nothing to you
11:17But those are nice for feet
11:18Yes, they are
11:19They're also expensive
11:20Ah, mother
11:22Oh, okay
11:23How about we do a trade here
11:24Can I offer you some stuffed olives?
11:26Yeah, you can
11:27Hopefully nobody's playing whack-a-dick over here
11:29Pump it, Cricket
11:31How ridiculous to look in these shorts, boys
11:33Have you looked in the mirror?
11:35Easy there, tan man
11:36Shut the fuck up
11:37The men in the stillestallium, okay
11:38But yeah, he's right
11:39You look like fucking shit
11:41Brick
11:42Oh, well, fuck it
11:43Heat day still rules, boys
11:45I wonder where the fucking Audrey is
11:52And gooey
11:54And stiff
11:55No, that's a good point backwards
11:57Is someone else having a competing party?
11:59Does Gen Conk have a pool?
12:01Oh, I'm sure she'd just fill it with Prosecco and party foam and call it Gen-chella
12:05Yeah
12:05Conk stock
12:06Homer, ghost particle?
12:08I'm off the dark web
12:10My son's monitoring my internet usage
12:12And no more energy drinks
12:15But I'm feeling good
12:16Life is good, right?
12:17Yes, drink it
12:18Yeah, lemon shark bite
12:21Tell us more
12:22Three years old
12:23My dad faked his own death to get out of parent-child support
12:29Joke's on him
12:30Found him in Regina with a whole other family
12:33So that's cool
12:34I got stepbrothers
12:35You guys heard of Kissing Cousins?
12:37Oh, yeah
12:38I can top that
12:39Whoa
12:40I've only ever been with my wife
12:42Oh, that's adorable
12:43And she's only ever been with me
12:45That's delusional
12:47This is grim, guys
12:48I'll never have the chance to do it
12:52Do sex?
12:54Yeah, I do sex
12:56You wear a shirt that says certified lover on it
13:01It says certified panda lover
13:03And I got it at the zoo
13:05I wear it to be ironical
13:07I do sex
13:09I just can't wear socks
13:11It gives me blisters
13:12No, no, no, no, no
13:13Don't do that
13:13Don't do that
13:14No, no, no, no, no
13:16There's no circulation in here
13:18Oh, my God
13:19Roach, no
13:20Oh, fuck
13:20I know
13:21I know
13:22I know
13:23My feet stink
13:24And my collarbone pops out
13:26But I got excellent pendenship, man
13:29Roach
13:30Rewind a little
13:33I can't wear socks
13:35It gives me blisters
13:36Fast forward
13:37I can't remember what I said
13:38His collarbone pops out
13:39Yeah, that's what I said
13:42Up you go
13:43Hop up, stinkfoot
13:45Wh-what?
13:46Oh, yeah
13:47Homer, YouTube says the Denver airport is a porter to hell
13:51Now, do you think the horse statue there killed its own sculptor?
13:55The horse has a name
13:56And it's Blucifer
13:58Blucifer?
13:59Which I would explain to you if I was engaging
14:01But I am not
14:02Good for you, man
14:03Stay strong
14:04You got this, buddy
14:04Yeah
14:05What about them pigeons?
14:07Still think they're government drones?
14:08They're just birds, Taze
14:10They're just birds
14:11Yeah, they are
14:11How about billionaire blood transfusions?
14:13Oh, guys
14:14Lay off them a little, huh?
14:15Is the earth flat?
14:16Is the moon hollow?
14:17Wait a second
14:18Are you telling me that Marilyn Manson took out his own ribs so he could suck his own dick?
14:24I am on vacation
14:29I celebrate the things I can control
14:31Remove small obstacles to reach my goals
14:34Just like Marilyn Manson
14:36Because I'm in as a fucking genius
14:39Yes
14:39Genius
14:40Maureen
14:40Is that something?
14:41That's enough, boys
14:44Maureen
14:45Don't you fucking fart in my face
14:48Okay, just fucking go
14:49Okay, okay, I'm gonna keep pushing
14:51Oh, sit down
14:53You're ripping my skin, man
14:54Okay, okay
14:55Okay, okay, okay
14:56Okay, we're stopping
15:01Oh, hey
15:03What's in your sub?
15:04What, isn't vegan male?
15:07Don't you think about it
15:09Already thought about it
15:11The new homer is kind of weirding me out
15:14He's not like the old homer
15:16He's no fun
15:16Can we reboot him?
15:17Yeah
15:18What he's talking about?
15:18How are you talking shit about me?
15:19Busted
15:19Yes
15:20We just missed the guy
15:22I used to talk about UFOs and robot overlords
15:24My wife doesn't miss that guy, okay?
15:26What Maureen doesn't like is that you believe this stuff
15:30It's hard not to believe in the matrix when you're in it
15:32Well, open your mouth, Theo
15:38You missed me, huh?
15:39You expect me to believe that chlorine is for germs?
15:42No
15:42Here we go
15:43It's for mind control
15:44That's why all you shameful are so agreeable at parties
15:48It's not the hot dogs
15:49It's compliance gas
15:52You gotta get over this, man
15:55Chelsea, I need your laptop
15:56Why?
15:57Why?
15:58What are you gonna do?
15:58Fuck
16:00You're a shit disturber
16:01Yes, I am
16:03Hey
16:05Where'd he go?
16:07Oh
16:10Oh, we should have thought of this a while ago
16:13Oh
16:14I'm not gonna eat the rest of that
16:15Get him up, people
16:16Okay, ready?
16:17One
16:18Two
16:19Three
16:20Oh
16:21Oh
16:22Oh
16:23Oh
16:24It's going to my cardboard
16:24Oh, man
16:33Can you get out?
16:36I'm totally fucking stuck, man
16:38Okay, okay
16:39Okay, let's get him down
16:42Roach
16:44Oh, man
16:45No
16:48Homer, you know who's really behind chlorine?
16:51Big Farmer
16:52All right, enough
16:52I need your support, okay?
16:54You're supposed to be helping me
16:55From my perspective, Homer, you're doing good
16:57You're vertical, dressed as a civilian
16:59Sitting here in clothes is hardly aspirational
17:02Would you like links to clothing?
17:03What?
17:04New summer inventory is being updated every hour
17:07Homer, where the fuck did you find this guy?
17:09Someone in my group recommended him
17:10I think he's in Texas or something
17:12I have a virtual success rate of 98%
17:14And a 4.95 star rating
17:17I'm expecting a five star from you, partner
17:20Did he just get a Texas accent?
17:23Yeah, he did
17:25Hold on a second
17:27Hey, Kim
17:28Tell me a haiku where the first letter of each line spells the word cat
17:31But do it in a cockney accent
17:33Close doors hide the truth
17:35Aliens run the bike sales
17:37Tin foil hats, sold out
17:40God damn it, he's an AI
17:42What? Really?
17:44I thought I was pretty good
17:45No, I got duped
17:46And you know what?
17:47I want a refund, you robotic fuck
17:49Homer, I never told you I'm human
17:51Read our terms of service
17:53I am authorized to sign you up
17:55For a two-year non-refundable subscription
17:59And I did
18:01Fuck!
18:02Call back anytime, Homer
18:04You look stressed
18:06Enough of this shit
18:07Fuck yourself
18:08Come with me right now
18:10Fuck man
18:14You're going to that pool, Homer
18:15You need to end this conspiracy loop
18:17You tell them booty shorts
18:19You can call me booty shorts all you want
18:21But I'm standing here in front of y'all
18:24Dick and nuts
18:25Fighting over that last gasp of air
18:27You know what?
18:28They both lost?
18:29I don't even fucking care
18:31What I do care about is you, Homer
18:33No one's going to abduct you again
18:34The pyramids are just stone triangles
18:37And a muamua is just a giant space rock
18:40Get over it
18:42Now hold my hand
18:44No chance
18:44I don't have eye or ear protection
18:46I don't want pulmonary edema or chronic bronchitis
18:48Homer, hold my fucking hand
18:51I'm not holding your fucking hand
18:52I'll hold whatever you like
18:54Short shorts
18:56And you, the other fella
18:57Stop being such a little biatch
19:00Get in the fucking pool
19:04I think everybody should do
19:06Whatever the fucking Gladys says
19:08I like Gladys
19:09Homer, Homer, Homer
19:12I'm not doing it, I'm not doing it
19:14Yes, you are doing it
19:15Homer, Homer, Homer
19:17It's not happening, it's not happening
19:20Homer, Homer, Homer
19:22Homer, Homer
19:24Come on, Homer, take the hand
19:26Over! Over! Over!
19:27I can't. I can't.
19:29Come on, hold on. You can do this.
19:32You got this.
19:34You can do it. There you go.
19:36Yeah!
19:53I did it!
19:55He died!
19:56He fucking did it!
20:02Hey, girls. Hey, hey.
20:05Let's not tell your moms how much daddy and his friends drank today.
20:19Look out!
20:21Look out!
20:23I can feel my power draining away.
20:27We're all dying.
20:29Oh!
20:31Power!
20:33Guys, the only way to stop the heat pumping is to cut the power and trip the breaker!
20:37It might electrocute you.
20:38It's 220 volts.
20:40But you use your right hand and hold your left arm against your body.
20:43The colonel will ground out through your feet and won't pass through your left arm frying your heart.
20:46Up to it, Leonard.
20:48Electrician and engineer.
20:49Both start with E. That's close enough.
20:51Come on, Leonard.
20:52Oh, my God.
20:53Tell my wife I love her since the moment I laid eyes on her.
20:56Cut the fucking wire!
20:58Cut the wire!
20:59Cut the wire!
21:00Cut the wire!
21:01Cut the wire!
21:07The door sticks!
21:09No, it doesn't.
21:13What's this?
21:14Marcus, you angel!
21:16What?
21:16I will live to do sex, Marcus!
21:19Get the fuck off me!
21:22Marcus, how did you find this?
21:23No, well, Manny called.
21:24Told me to say, Leonard, you suck.
21:27Manny!
21:28She's got to rehydrate my tongue.
21:29You really don't sweat.
21:32Fuck off, man!
21:36Wake up!
21:39There we go.
21:40Oh, your kids are so cute, it makes me want to have more.
21:43500 for the pair.
21:44I'm all good for it.
21:45No more beers.
21:46Definitely no more kids.
21:47You're paying for the cab.
21:48Let's go.
21:48I'm right in the trunk, then, if you wanted to.
21:51Well, good luck, boys.
21:52Thanks, guys.
21:53God.
21:54Oh, my Jesus, you're all red and rashy.
21:57You got a chlorine allergy?
21:58No.
21:59I think they're relief hives.
22:00Couples with burning tears of pride.
22:02Well, you faced down the chlorine demon in one.
22:05Yeah, well, there's chlorine in tap water.
22:07Yeah, and this fucker takes 20-minute showers.
22:09Yeah, I'm a little crazy.
22:10You are a little crazy.
22:11And we love you for it.
22:12Chelsea, thanks for the awesome party.
22:15Anything else we can do before we leave?
22:16Place looks pretty good, I think.
22:17Nope.
22:18I've already called the cleaners.
22:20Oh, but please, never wear those again.
22:24Richard Simmons is rolling over in his grave.
22:26Come on, I'll get you some calamine lotion.
22:27I can't see.
22:28Is that a bad thing?
22:28Hey, booty shorts.
22:30That was a nice moment you had with your little friends.
22:33Here's your pants, washed and pressed.
22:36Wash my pants?
22:37What, do they smell or something?
22:38Do I look like the sort of person who goes around sniffing people's pants?
22:43No.
22:44Well, I am.
22:45Next time, bring your dad over.
22:48He is a rig.
22:50Oh, a real dilf.
22:53Okay.
22:53Didn't know you knew my dad.
22:55I don't yet.
22:57I'll tell him you said hi.
22:58Tell him to bring his laundry.
22:59Smell good, thanks.
23:01Oh my God, he's raw.
23:03Like a fetus.
23:04Aqua.
23:05It looks like a third degree.
23:06Take him to the medic.
23:07Hotter.
23:0851st guy.
23:08Hotter.
23:09Hey, you got any of that sandwich?
23:11You rubbed it all over you, man.
23:14Get the hookah to ride.
23:18I'll chase you.
23:19Get the fuck off.
23:20Get the fuck off.
23:22I hate today.
23:23I swear to God, I better not to push this van again, Homer.
23:26Relax.
23:27I got the alternator fixed.
23:28Yeah, you said that last time.
23:30Six fucking blocks.
23:31You got a free leg workout.
23:32You're welcome.
23:34What's that smell?
23:37Heartbreak.
23:37Dried up dick tears.
23:40We're getting you back to work tomorrow.
23:42I'll find out.
23:43I'll find the money.
23:44Thank fuck.
23:50Okay, I lied.
23:51I didn't get the alternator fixed.
23:53Six.
23:54Give me a little boost.
23:55Please?
23:57Fuck!
23:57Thanks, Con.
23:58Sorry, buddy.
24:02Push.
24:04Come on, put your legs into it!
24:06Is the fucking handbrake on or what?
24:08Hey, it's in neutral!
24:09Fuck!
24:14YouT
24:25I got a better life.
24:39Excuse me, sir.
24:41Could you please help me down the stairs?
24:43What the fuck?
24:44What?
24:45Oh, I remember you, hey, buddy?
24:48How could I forget you, Betty?
24:50Biggest jerk around.
24:51Hey, hey, hey, where you going?
24:53Come on, let's dance, huh?
24:55Hey, ah, I'm telling you!
24:57Ow!
24:58Ow!
24:59See, you never robo-nerd.
25:01You bloody bastard!
25:13Might as well go for a soda, nobody drowns, and nobody dies.
25:19Might as well go for a soda, it's better than slander,
25:23it's better than lies.
25:27Might as well go for a soda!
25:30Oh!
25:31Oh, yeah!
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