- 2 days ago
First broadcast 14th September 1976.
On the eve of his Bar Mitzvah, young Elliot finds that all the grown men in his life are somewhat wanting.
Jeremy Steyn - Eliot Green
Maria Charles - Rita Green
Bernard Spear - Victor Green
Adrienne Posta - Lesley Green
Jonathan Lynn - Harold
Cyril Shaps - Grandad Wax
Jack Lynn - Rabbi Sherman
Pamela Manson - Sylvia
Sabina Michael - Salon Customer
Harry Landis - Solly
Pamela Mason - Sylvia
Harold Reese - Synagogue Warden
Robert Putt - Caretaker
Kim Clifford - Denise
Mark Herman - Squidge
Helen Peters - Guest
Irene Peters - Guest
On the eve of his Bar Mitzvah, young Elliot finds that all the grown men in his life are somewhat wanting.
Jeremy Steyn - Eliot Green
Maria Charles - Rita Green
Bernard Spear - Victor Green
Adrienne Posta - Lesley Green
Jonathan Lynn - Harold
Cyril Shaps - Grandad Wax
Jack Lynn - Rabbi Sherman
Pamela Manson - Sylvia
Sabina Michael - Salon Customer
Harry Landis - Solly
Pamela Mason - Sylvia
Harold Reese - Synagogue Warden
Robert Putt - Caretaker
Kim Clifford - Denise
Mark Herman - Squidge
Helen Peters - Guest
Irene Peters - Guest
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00:07you lying bugger you did ignore her i am maintain a roof sign he did those which somebody did
00:00:16for your information i don't spit on people in geography i didn't know you had any book
00:00:20under the desk let alone that one well somebody did are we going swimming tomorrow then tomorrow
00:00:26bloody tomorrow you know what tomorrow is don't you say only the day that marks my passage isn't it
00:00:32oh hell i forgot what is it what passage and are you scared i was scared ridged at mine
00:00:39i made 16 mistakes in the hebrew bit 16 at least probably 25 or something and i forgot half my
00:00:46speech or reception three quarters nearly i missed out mentioning my uncle gas and auntie
00:00:51mel and cousins from america i missed out everybody i was deadly see you certainly though if you
00:00:57survive mate mon ami mel's amicus i survive what's he mean marxist passage is it rude something jewish
00:01:05what jewish boys do you wouldn't understand sounds rude it's only me
00:01:15so he is not doing what's he mean marxist was he was looking for him in the home in the
00:01:40country and he was looking for home and i had a job of coming out of the chicken and
00:01:41when he was looking for her to be here i have a good ask my I don't understand me like
00:01:41that my uncle she was
00:01:44It's Chris Graham, oh whatever it is, it's in Tomo, naked women, if I'm new, new life
00:01:57Feminine! Elliot, are you in? No! Look, I've got my hands full! Don't answer the phone, will you? No! Hello,
00:02:19Police Mart Circus, Leslie Green speaking. Hello, Mum. So anyway, where are you? Well, where? Where?
00:02:27That's an interesting question. Is there any chance of an answer? I'm still at Sylvia's, where else would I be?
00:02:32I'm not a magician. She's not a magician. Listen, Mrs. Mickler was before me and she was late. What can
00:02:39I do? Is her abdomen and suspected conjunctivitis I'm going to fall out with a woman? Listen, did you get
00:02:45the dry cleaning? You know they're all lunatics in there. They just have a sign outside, Lunatic Dry Cleaning Limited.
00:02:50Did you get the cleaning? First, Dad's suit won't be ready till Monday. Oh my God. Bad news, I hope
00:02:55I'm wrong.
00:02:55Then they can't find it. But he needs it tomorrow. Then it must be at another brown. So you haven't
00:03:00got it? I've got it, I've got it. I told you, there were lunatics in there. It was there the
00:03:03whole time. Oh, listen, Leslie, I'm going to be a couple of hours yet. At least. At least. Now, the
00:03:09brisket's in the oven. Put it on a low light to warm up. Do a few potatoes with it and
00:03:13open a tin of peas. I'll be home before it's ready. Please, God. Please, God.
00:03:16And Leslie, listen, tell Elliot to go and have his hair cut. His dad's there now having his, so you'll
00:03:22see him there. And Leslie, make him. Any arguing, tell him no arguing. Threaten. And listen, Leslie, hang up the
00:03:30dry cleaning in the wardrobe. Not in the wardrobe, outside the wardrobe because of the chemicals. And if you've got
00:03:35a minute...
00:03:36Mother, where do I get a minute from? I've been running all day.
00:03:39If you've got a minute, ring the caterers.
00:03:41What for?
00:03:43Just... Hello? Is that the caterers? I'm speaking on behalf of Mrs. Green. Is everything all right for tomorrow? I'll
00:03:50be happier.
00:03:50Mother, will you please stop panicking? Do you want to give me cold sores at the dinner dance?
00:03:54What cold sores?
00:03:55You give me cold sores. You know, every time I put on an evening dress, I have cold sores to
00:03:59match.
00:03:59The Jewish Chronicle prints out of forthcoming attractions. The Green family must be having a simcha. Leslie's got a lip
00:04:05full of cold sores.
00:04:08Cold sores she's hacking me with?
00:04:10Would you like to test me?
00:04:12Could you rephrase that question?
00:04:14Please, will you please test me, please?
00:04:15Look, I've got nothing else to do. Like, I'm having such a good time.
00:04:18Not Hebrew. Something else.
00:04:20Elliot. Haircut. Now.
00:04:22My son, Elliot. He gets the mitzvah tomorrow.
00:04:25You're having caterers?
00:04:26Leavies.
00:04:28117 guests at 750 a head.
00:04:31Or 750 a tuchus, depending on which way you look at it.
00:04:35If you're wondering where the money's coming from, so am I.
00:04:38And that's without lemon sorbet.
00:04:41I'm having tips and streaks.
00:04:43Go on. Please.
00:04:45See me play. See me plug it.
00:04:47Please stop that. It gets on my nerves.
00:04:49Stop what?
00:04:51I take what? I'll break me quid.
00:04:53Look, it's not being clever, you know.
00:04:54It's just showing your ignorance.
00:04:57Nine times out of ten you get it wrong.
00:05:05Elliot.
00:05:06Dad's expecting you. He'll be worried.
00:05:10It's not bad.
00:05:11It's not bad, Charlie.
00:05:13Not bad.
00:05:13What do you want? The usual?
00:05:14The usual, he asks me.
00:05:15Like, I'm going to say no.
00:05:16Like, I've been coming here for 30 years having a bloody bubblegut or something.
00:05:19Tuchula.
00:05:20Right, yeah. What's the usual?
00:05:21Yeah, why not? Let's go mad.
00:05:23Listen, I've got a very good one for you. Listen to this.
00:05:26Hmm.
00:05:27It kills me.
00:05:28There's this Yiddish fellow, you see.
00:05:29Always has to be a Yiddish fellow, do you notice?
00:05:31Can't be a bloody Peruvian.
00:05:32So listen, this Yiddish fellow's walking down the street.
00:05:34Hey, a bloody punter gets in my cab this morning.
00:05:37A yank.
00:05:38Sunglasses, camera, pink jacket.
00:05:40The whole gesheft wants to go to Richmond.
00:05:42So we'll be going a couple of minutes, no trouble.
00:05:44He says, uh, won't take more than a quarter of an hour, will it?
00:05:48To Richmond, like I'm in Leicester Square, ain't I?
00:05:50I said, this is a cab, darling.
00:05:53You want a magic bloody carpet, I'll drop you off at Persian Airlines.
00:05:56He says, kiss me in Tuchus.
00:05:58You can kiss mine, I says.
00:06:00He looks at me.
00:06:01Well, what do you know, he says, are you an American too?
00:06:04Bloody nutter.
00:06:06I'll charge him 30p over the odds.
00:06:09Go on, Leslie, please, just once.
00:06:11You'll never have to test me on anything again.
00:06:14Never in your whole life.
00:06:17Look, you're not worried about tomorrow, are you?
00:06:21Here, from here.
00:06:26Ready?
00:06:27On your marks, get set, go.
00:06:30And God spake these words, saying,
00:06:32I am the Lord thy God, who brought thee out of the land of Egypt,
00:06:35out of the house of bondage.
00:06:36Thou shalt have no other gods before me.
00:06:38Thou shalt not make unto thee a graven image,
00:06:40nor the form of anything that is in the heaven above,
00:06:43or that is in the earth beneath,
00:06:44or that is in the water under the earth.
00:06:46I shalt not bow down thyself unto them, nor serve them.
00:06:49For I, the Lord thy God, am a jealous God,
00:06:52visiting the iniquity of the fathers upon the children,
00:06:55upon the third and upon the fourth generation,
00:06:57unto them that hate me,
00:06:59and showing love and kindness to the thousandth generation,
00:07:02to them that love me and keep my commandments.
00:07:04Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain, etc.
00:07:08Etcetera?
00:07:08Remember the Sabbath day to keep it holy, etc.
00:07:10There's not etcetera's all of a sudden.
00:07:12You're busy.
00:07:13Honour thy father.
00:07:14Look, Elliot, are you going to have your hair cut?
00:07:15I mean, it's not a polite request, you know.
00:07:17You like commandments.
00:07:19This is a commandment.
00:07:20Thou shalt not murder,
00:07:21thou shalt not commit adultery,
00:07:22thou shalt not steal,
00:07:23thou shalt not bear false witness,
00:07:24thou shalt not cover thy neighbour's house,
00:07:26nor his wife, nor his manservant,
00:07:27nor his maidservant,
00:07:28nor his ox, nor his ass,
00:07:30nor his Allegro 1300,
00:07:31nor anything than his eye neighbours.
00:07:33Allegro 1300 is an oxal extra.
00:07:35Joke!
00:07:36Well, I hope you're just not going to rattle on like that.
00:07:38I mean, people will be watching, you know.
00:07:40What people?
00:07:41Well, family.
00:07:43The congregation.
00:07:44Rabbi Sherman.
00:07:45Oh, people.
00:07:46Yeah.
00:07:47People.
00:07:48Their personage.
00:07:49Populous.
00:07:50What else is there?
00:07:51Giraffes?
00:07:52No-one will be watching.
00:07:53I don't see the Ten Commandments.
00:07:55What?
00:07:55They're not in my B'mitzvah.
00:07:57What the hell are you allowing them for, then?
00:08:03They're not in my B'mitzvah.
00:08:05They're not in my B'mitzvah.
00:08:07They're not in my B'mitzvah.
00:08:08They're not in my B'mitzvah.
00:08:12They're not in my B'mitzvah.
00:08:13They're not in my B'mitzvah.
00:08:15They're not in my B'mitzvah.
00:08:16They're not in my B'mitzvah.
00:08:17They're not in my B'mitzvah.
00:08:19They're not in my B'mitzvah.
00:08:20They're not in my B'mitzvah.
00:08:21They're not in my B'mitzvah.
00:08:21They're not in my B'mitzvah.
00:08:23They're not in my B'mitzvah.
00:08:23They're not in my B'mitzvah.
00:08:25They're not in my B'mitzvah.
00:08:27They're not in my B'mitzvah.
00:08:44horrible isn't it the soup I just warmed it up you cooked it my hair it's ruined you could all
00:08:52say I'm not sensitive I look terrible it's beautiful you look gorgeous Emma's Emma's Victor Victor oh what
00:09:03do you think what about your honest opinion you hate it I don't mind good I don't even know what
00:09:10you're talking about my hair what can I say it's hair but do you like it it's done me no
00:09:16I've never
00:09:19seen it look so nice Emma's I said that watch good she's coming to give it a comb out first
00:09:30thing in
00:09:30the morning I'll ask her to take out the streaks that's what's so beautiful the streaks oh well
00:09:36in that case fantastic really fantastic great mom nice a banquet straight up tremendous mom
00:09:50it's lovely darling you didn't warm the brisket on too high a light you don't think it doesn't taste
00:09:57burnt no no it's nice crispy it's different crispy dad what Leslie wants to know nice dinner no bloody
00:10:11family's gone pot shop it's like a dinner I'm eating it Stan and Dora Klein what about them they didn't
00:10:25the RSVP we don't know if they're coming to the dinner dance Victor if they come they come if they
00:10:30don't they don't Confucius Cohen pass us all but the seating plan though it'll make ash and blotter
00:10:37of the seating plan they should be on the second table and it's full they're not relations he's a
00:10:42doctor he expects it they give him a beautiful present though they may not be coming but by the
00:10:50same token let me eat you think they'd RSVP a man in his position perhaps they didn't get the
00:10:59invitation perhaps they were in Bournemouth he's a doctor perhaps he can't read decent writing perhaps
00:11:05he couldn't afford a stamp who can stamped already the stamped address card no expense spared Rita for
00:11:16the first time in three months may I eat without hearing seating plans and menus and caterers and
00:11:22do we tip the rabbi and should we invite Miriam and what if it rains and should I wear a
00:11:27long dress
00:11:27or a short dress and nothing will spoil it will it in the morning he gets bar mitzvahed in the
00:11:33evening
00:11:33we have the dinner dance and by Sunday it's all a dream thank you amen
00:11:51do you think we should give her a bouquet not too dear who mrs. Sherman is she anyone we know
00:11:58the rabbi's wife certainly give her a bouquet I've never met the woman give everybody a bouquet
00:12:04plant trees for him in Israel it's already costing me three insurance policies roll on Sunday you want
00:12:12it over with the greatest honor of your life you know what I mean afraid I don't Harold do you
00:12:19know
00:12:19what he means um well in a sense um well yes and no what he in my view well doesn't
00:12:32mean she knows
00:12:33what I mean she knows what I mean even when I don't hey blebbermouth you're gonna practice his
00:12:40speech tonight yeah he'll practice his speech like a way for a haircut didn't you like your dinner terrific
00:12:45apart from not eating it wasn't hungry and tomorrow morning before we go to shul you'll get
00:12:49that haircut there won't be time Victor he's not standing in a beautiful synagogue on the greatest
00:12:55day of his life looking like Kojak Kojak's bald what Kojak the other one which other one oh she
00:13:04picks me up on every little thing Leslie leave your mother alone if I don't do the worrying who will
00:13:08what's she going on about see satisfied I thought it was a permit for tomorrow thought I was supposed to
00:13:14read the blessings from the portion of the law be the guest of one of the dinner dance the Torah
00:13:17doesn't mention it's a hairdressing contest look everybody just eat all week long I'm in bloody
00:13:24traffic jams just eat
00:13:42all right then
00:13:43pun everything all right risk thanks
00:13:52just sort of sitting staring a bit are you I thought that was a woman's job was that just a
00:13:58theory put about by showing his pigs it happens to be a special occasion doesn't it I mean everybody
00:14:04else is busy driving each other barney aren't they you always do it always to show some pa always I
00:14:11can
00:14:11hardly do it always I only come here Fridays always he says always on Fridays you do it my dad
00:14:21never
00:14:21does it yeah well your dad's your dad isn't he I've seen him drive them once or twice they're even
00:14:29wetter after he dries he does it badly on purpose no one talk I can't hear anything
00:14:39look haven't you got things to do a million you must have she doesn't appreciate it you know there's
00:14:44your speech to learn two lots of Hebrew the blessings you think it's amazing cool don't you washing up
00:14:50no other species of animals do it you don't see giraffes washing up for female giraffes she won't
00:14:55suddenly show you her knickers etc all right Elliot don't be comical elsewhere okay okay
00:15:03it's manners isn't it I'm thanking your parents for their hospitality it's a nice thing to do pleasing
00:15:11people one in morning nothing about it ring caterers two two three no one for this goes on to our
00:15:24breakfast Victor hello will you help me doing what showing interest I'm showing I'm showing
00:15:32everything we do we're going on holiday forget the decorators whatever needs doing is me always me we
00:15:38need a plumber all right all right I'm watching something I can talk while I'm watching for still
00:15:46I'm here to give my hair a comb out for Ellie ask Sylvia to give Elliot quick haircut if time
00:15:59if time there
00:16:02won't be five set off to synagogue Victor is there petrol in the car we're not sitting in the garage
00:16:09getting petrol in our best clothes there's petrol there's petrol I thought we weren't supposed to drive on
00:16:13the Sabbath I thought it was a sin I thought we were supposed to walk all right the right you
00:16:17made
00:16:18your point I thought that was covered by the fourth commandment remember the Sabbath day to keep it
00:16:22holy so we park a couple of streets from the shul and walk the rest of the way terrible thing
00:16:27we
00:16:28won't be seen won't we oh all the congregation do it I wasn't thinking of the congregation well other
00:16:36people couldn't care I wasn't thinking of other people Elliot can you try and sit on the chair like a
00:16:41normal human being is it too much to ask Traylon grows on trees
00:16:54good what I've seen it before
00:17:07oh you're a great help thank you eight quid a year license fee I pay as soon as it's home
00:17:22Elliot change clothes hang suit up in wardrobe ready for evening if you're hungry why didn't you eat
00:17:30your dinner no then why are you eating sweets and taking the enamel off your teeth no I'm just
00:17:34unwrapping it what for it's a new hobby eight ring caterers
00:17:47Elliot let your granddad in I just got to go and learn my speech like all of a sudden first
00:17:53let
00:17:53him in then learn it good Shabbos Mr. Wax Shabbos and how's the finest solicitor you could wish for
00:18:04accountant actually fine Mr. Waxon how's your back there he is the bar mitzvah boy ah and how's the
00:18:10loveliest grandson you could wish for I could eat him hello he says so beautiful like a deaton bless his
00:18:20little picnic can you think of anything I've missed out no I didn't see you think there was nothing to
00:18:26see I'm an invisible thinker hey young man bar mitzvah boy you're not coming to sit on your
00:18:32zayda's knee I've got to go and learn my speech in my Hebrew ah I could eat him don't get
00:18:40up don't get
00:18:41up I'll have a cup of tea and a piece of sponge cake but only if you're happy good Shabbos
00:18:47Shabbos
00:18:48Shabbos Chaim how's your back ah who cares the doctors also have to live listen if the kids are happy
00:18:57you're happy if you're happy I'm happy if you're all happy thank God I'm the happiest man in the world
00:19:06is my happiness what should I do cry go on say some cutting remark regarded as brilliant in the
00:19:17B stream I wasn't going to say anything nothing we are in the hill good what do you think of
00:19:27Harold
00:19:27what do you think of him we're nearly engaged aren't we that's no answer it's the back of my hand
00:19:35an
00:19:35answer do you reckon him we are nearly bloody engaged
00:19:47do you reckon dad dad dad oh dad's dad isn't he what's got into you and do you reckon granddad
00:19:58of
00:19:59course why pourquoi sorry miss the English one why why what why'd you reckon them well that is a
00:20:09particularly stupid question isn't it even from you it's been mad mad what about me what about you
00:20:28my dear mother and father my dear sister my dear grandfather rabbi show and relatives and friends
00:20:34on this day that marks my passage from border to manhood I'd like to thank you for the great
00:20:38tonne that you have bestowed on me by our presence at this dinner dance shall cherish it all my life
00:20:42without fail I'd like to thank rabbi show and also for the patience he has bestowed on me during the
00:20:47last year while preparing me to learn the portion of the law which I have the honor to recite in
00:20:50the
00:20:50synagogue today it's been no end of a tale strength in no uncertain terms most of all I'd like to
00:20:56thank
00:20:56my dear mother and father for the guidance wisdom and love which they've bestowed on me during my void
00:21:07now time a man I'll follow my dear father's example and that's my dear grandfather and last but not
00:21:12last but not least that to my sister leslie's boyfriend harold living my life with truth industry
00:21:19and selfless of devotion according to the moral teachings of the talmud at the risk of repeating
00:21:26myself there'd be no end of a tower of strength in no uncertain terms I sincerely hope I'll be a
00:21:31credit to them all and that they will serve me as Brutus did of Anthony act five scene five line
00:21:3673
00:21:37this was a man thank you thank you all for the presence which you have bestowed thank you all
00:21:48for the wonderful presence which you have bestowed on me for which I'm extremely grateful for I hope you
00:21:53enjoy your evening not forgetting the dancing which is about to ensue as I feel sure you assuredly will
00:21:58thank you they'd a right to march they've got a right to march at a right to march is legal
00:22:07legal
00:22:09cause it's legal shows pneumonia 20 minutes I was held up mate with an empty bloody cab listen the way
00:22:17I look at it call me an intellectual if you must everybody should make just enough to be comfortable do
00:22:29you know how much that comes to on the clock well you're the accountant round here in that way there's
00:22:34no marches no strikes everybody's happy go on and I'm the trade union is I'm the true blue they're your
00:22:44brothers that's my solution but my muzzle I'm not prime minister nor are you now you could be a Tory
00:22:59beats me
00:23:00you're not supposed to feel sorry for people Harold you're not supposed to care about working conditions
00:23:05you'd get drummed out of common if you would no you sound like a kitchen he beats me all together
00:23:11a Yiddish a fella when I was a lad they gave you a Labour Party membership card the minute you
00:23:16were
00:23:16circumcised I'd give you a one hand take away with the other there's two sides to every story Victor
00:23:21right well whose side are you on our entry to it is naked and bare
00:23:29our journey through it is trouble and care our exit from it is God knows where
00:23:40so if we're all right here we're all right there
00:23:59perfect perfect
00:24:03I'll put a new crease in your dad's trousers they've just come back from the cleaners
00:24:07I know but you said they were perfect I like a crease to be a crease I can't help it
00:24:12it's my nature
00:24:14I'll do them while I'm doing Elliot's mine haven't even come from the cleaners mine are new it's a new
00:24:19suit they don't need pressing for Burton's window they don't need pressing
00:24:28which tie do you think for your dad
00:24:32not for me you notice but I have to choose
00:24:35you'd rather sit on his behind watching television and arguing
00:24:38me I have the headaches
00:24:40me
00:24:42I have the cold sores
00:24:45nothing I didn't speak
00:24:47cold sores
00:24:49cold sores she says thank you
00:24:51a splitting headache I've had for six months and she says cold sores
00:24:57I'll see you tomorrow then pop mind the roads god bless cheerio Zader
00:25:02you're going to be the belle of the ball tomorrow please God
00:25:05who else
00:25:07Elliot granddad's going now
00:25:09night Zader
00:25:11do I get a big kiss from the loveliest boy you could wish for
00:25:15I'm just stunning at the moment Zader
00:25:18I'll label on his tissues I can eat him
00:25:21see you tomorrow everybody
00:25:23a real pleasure to have seen you again Mr. Wax
00:25:25good night time
00:25:29night night then love
00:25:31I've hardly seen you all evening
00:25:33well we'll see each other tomorrow
00:25:35not well not just the two of us
00:25:37no 117
00:25:41ah hair
00:25:43sorry
00:25:46oops nail polish
00:25:50well thanks for dinner
00:25:52pleasure Harold
00:25:53fantastic
00:25:59as long as I was of some help
00:26:01help
00:26:02well
00:26:03washing up
00:26:04not that there's any trouble
00:26:06and
00:26:07polishing Elliot's shoes for tomorrow
00:26:08and one of your dads
00:26:09well it's all in the family isn't it
00:26:11or soon will be
00:26:13putting the dishes away
00:26:14I don't mind it's no trouble to me
00:26:17making the tea
00:26:18fetching the sponge cake
00:26:19you're very sweet
00:26:21am I
00:26:23hey
00:26:23what about my beauty sleep then
00:26:25sorry
00:26:27don't apologise Harold
00:26:29sorry
00:26:29Harold
00:26:32night then
00:26:33night
00:26:35love you
00:26:36love you
00:26:53good night
00:26:54good night everybody
00:26:54good night Elliot
00:26:55good night Elliot
00:26:58good night son
00:27:00I thought of an element of humour
00:27:02for my speech at the dinner
00:27:05in conclusion
00:27:06may I say
00:27:08that for a father
00:27:09his son's bar mitzvah
00:27:11is the most beautiful service
00:27:14seen in a synagogue
00:27:17very nice
00:27:19not that I go all that much
00:27:22you're not saying that
00:27:23but as Rabbi Sherman once said to me
00:27:26I don't often see you in the synagogue
00:27:29very often
00:27:29Mr. Green
00:27:30and as I replied
00:27:32I don't see you driving a cab
00:27:35very often Rabbi Sherman
00:27:37you can't say that
00:27:38then
00:27:39wait for the laughter to die down
00:27:42and I say
00:27:44but today
00:27:47I wouldn't have missed for the world
00:27:50thank you
00:27:57you asleep
00:27:59yes
00:28:00can I come in
00:28:01no
00:28:05hello Harold
00:28:08couldn't you be having a beauty sleep
00:28:10have you given up hope
00:28:11aha
00:28:13hey
00:28:13how'd you like every evening to be like this one eh
00:28:16not a lot
00:28:18how was school today
00:28:20all right
00:28:22did Squidge find out
00:28:23who nicked his pocket calculator
00:28:26he thinks it was expletive deleted
00:28:28who
00:28:28the maths teacher
00:28:32you all right our kid
00:28:35yes thanks
00:28:36merci
00:28:37gratis
00:28:40it always happens
00:28:41the panic
00:28:43even in normal families
00:28:45it's a big day for them
00:28:47the biggest in their lives
00:28:49probably bigger for them
00:28:50than it is for you
00:28:53soon be over
00:28:54yeah
00:28:56wow
00:28:58better get some sleep
00:29:00and don't just lie there thinking about it
00:29:02and no dreaming either
00:29:03by order
00:29:04except for cricket
00:29:05footballer
00:29:06Olivia Newton-John
00:29:08still is Olivia Newton-John
00:29:10isn't it
00:29:10Pam's people
00:29:11what all of them
00:29:12most of them
00:29:15see you in the morning horrible
00:29:18see you
00:29:24where the hell 13 years go to eh
00:29:2913 years
00:29:31now you see them
00:29:32now you don't
00:29:35skinny little kid
00:29:37rubbing poached egg in the carpet
00:29:39punked
00:29:43can't be more than five minutes
00:29:45since I bought him a scooter
00:29:46for being vaccinated
00:29:49that was Leslie
00:29:52good God was it
00:29:54for going to the dentists
00:29:59you'll never need six hankies
00:30:02you'll need five of them
00:30:08not done too bad
00:30:09have we all told
00:30:10since our best little green days
00:30:14not bad
00:30:17no shul for you on a Saturday
00:30:19in them days
00:30:21West Ham United
00:30:22yes
00:30:47look it's a worrying arrest
00:30:49that's the idea
00:30:54I can't think of anything
00:30:55I've missed out
00:30:57no
00:31:00I've taken a Valium
00:31:03good
00:31:33good morning Wilfred
00:31:34good service
00:31:35good morning Rabbi Sean
00:31:36have you had a cup of coffee?
00:31:38there was only one
00:31:39spoonful
00:31:40I finished it off
00:31:41I didn't think
00:31:41no no no
00:31:41fine
00:31:42I wasn't hinting
00:31:43no no
00:31:45I meant had you had
00:31:47hello
00:31:48Mrs. Levy
00:31:49Levy's the caterers
00:31:51good morning
00:31:52Mrs. Green speaking
00:31:53may I speak to Mr. Levy please
00:31:54listen
00:31:55you want to look beautiful
00:31:57you've got to suffer a little
00:31:58it's human nature
00:31:59I apologize
00:32:00my fault
00:32:00it's my fault
00:32:01Victor there's blood on your chin
00:32:03I like blood on my chin
00:32:04Elliot
00:32:05are you ready
00:32:06we're moving out of the house now
00:32:08we're on the doorstep
00:32:09Leslie
00:32:10I'm not sure about that colour eye shadow
00:32:12then I'm not Mary Quant
00:32:13and then again you're not wearing it
00:32:15will you keep still
00:32:17keep still
00:32:17I'm keeping still
00:32:18what am I doing
00:32:18the 400 metres hurdles
00:32:19I'm keeping still
00:32:20alright alright
00:32:21what am I doing
00:32:21the 400 metres hurdles
00:32:22or something
00:32:23hello
00:32:23Mr. Levy
00:32:25good morning
00:32:26Mrs. Green speaking
00:32:28just ringing to say hello really
00:32:31no nothing
00:32:32no
00:32:34just that my husband wanted to know
00:32:35if everything was in order
00:32:38certainly there's no reason
00:32:39it shouldn't be
00:32:41yes
00:32:43yes
00:32:45I'll tell him
00:32:46thank you
00:32:47good shoppers
00:32:49Elliot
00:32:50your dad's starting the car
00:32:53tell him what
00:32:54what
00:32:54I'll tell him you said
00:32:56what do you want to tell me
00:32:56I've never met the fella
00:32:57what
00:32:57oh
00:32:58they've been established since 1912
00:33:00and they haven't had any complaints yet
00:33:01it's your business
00:33:04right
00:33:04it's all done
00:33:07really
00:33:07unless you suddenly decide to go blondie
00:33:09in which case I'll kill myself
00:33:10bye bye
00:33:11oh
00:33:12they're a mungful
00:33:13believe me
00:33:14I am my own worst enemy
00:33:16believe me
00:33:17so what do I owe you
00:33:20it's my bomb
00:33:21it's a present to Elliot
00:33:22oh Sylvia you mustn't
00:33:24but it's my pleasure
00:33:25I wouldn't dream Victor
00:33:26did you hear what Sylvia said
00:33:28we couldn't possibly
00:33:29I heard
00:33:30I heard
00:33:30thank you
00:33:32Elliot
00:33:33your dad and Leslie are waiting in the car
00:33:35if you don't come now
00:33:36my cufflinks
00:33:37I left them out for you on the tall boy
00:33:39I couldn't do the right one with my left hand
00:33:41it wouldn't go
00:33:42the shirt's stiff
00:33:43the hole wouldn't open
00:33:44do you look beautiful
00:33:46a little bench
00:33:48there
00:33:48what do you say
00:33:49thank you
00:33:51thank you
00:33:51my gloves
00:33:52my handbag
00:33:53I've got everything
00:33:54crocodile
00:33:55oh it's lovely
00:33:56not real
00:33:56no
00:33:57a mail order
00:33:58it's nice
00:33:58Victor
00:33:59you ready
00:34:00where's your talus bag
00:34:01Elliot
00:34:02and your couple
00:34:03inside
00:34:04excuse me
00:34:05do I have time to emigrate
00:34:06another day
00:34:07tomorrow
00:34:07I'll come with you
00:34:08thank you
00:34:09well you ready
00:34:10I'm ready
00:34:10have you taken a Valium
00:34:12I've got I've got a handbag I've got
00:34:13thank you very much Sylvia
00:34:17go on Victor
00:34:18come on
00:34:19Sylvia's you like Sylvia
00:34:20if you like Sylvia
00:34:21if you like Sylvia
00:34:22if you like Sylvia
00:34:22yes if you like it
00:34:23out of your pockets please
00:34:24all right
00:34:27we're not going in the cab
00:34:29what difference
00:34:29you said Richard Feldman
00:34:31was going to lend you his consul
00:34:32he was
00:34:33now it's being serviced
00:34:33do you know what he's like
00:34:34Victor
00:34:35for God's sake
00:34:36it's his pismetzal
00:34:37for his wedding
00:34:37it'll be different
00:34:39thank you very much
00:34:40I'll worry about that next week
00:34:41I'm coming
00:34:42I'm coming
00:34:42I'm coming
00:34:44worry worry worry
00:35:02Victor
00:35:05have you gone mad
00:35:08habit
00:35:09force of habit
00:35:10it can happen
00:35:10did you see what he did
00:35:12oh the heart
00:35:20okay
00:35:21they're here
00:35:24they're here
00:35:27what can you say about perfection
00:35:54if the kingdom bless him
00:35:57I'm happy
00:35:57happy
00:35:58happy
00:35:58you're happy
00:35:58if you're happy
00:35:59I'm happy
00:36:00if you're all happy
00:36:01thank God
00:36:02I'm the happiest man in the world
00:36:04it's my happiness
00:36:05what should I do
00:36:06cry
00:36:13awesome
00:36:15what can you see yes
00:36:24oh
00:36:35I'm
00:36:37Amin.
00:36:39Amin.
00:36:39Amin.
00:36:40Amin.
00:36:41Amin.
00:36:41Amin.
00:36:42Amin.
00:36:43Amin.
00:36:46Have you got things to do?
00:36:48A million, you must have.
00:36:49There's your speech to learn, two lots of Hebrew, the blessings.
00:36:52Well, I hope you're just not going to rattle on like that.
00:36:55I mean, people will be watching, you know.
00:36:57What people?
00:36:58Well, family.
00:36:59The congregation.
00:37:01Rabbi Shulman.
00:37:02Oh, people.
00:37:03Yeah.
00:37:04People.
00:37:04What else is there?
00:37:05Gir wave- OHAM.
00:37:35Giraffes?
00:37:35the big moment. The moment when the chazan calls you up. He'll call your name in Hebrew,
00:37:43you'll rise in a dignified manner, walk up the steps, and stand there beside him. And
00:37:49you'll sing in loud, clear Hebrew everything you've learned.
00:37:57I'll put a new crease in your dad's trousers. They've just come back from the cleaners.
00:38:02I know, but you said they were perfect. I'd like a crease to be a crease. I can't help
00:38:07it. It's my nature. If I don't do the worrying, who will? Well, what's she going on about?
00:38:12It's a seating plan, though. It'll make Ash and Blotter of the seating plan. They should
00:38:16be on the second table, and it's full. They're not relations. Well, he's a doctor. He expects
00:38:21it.
00:38:28Give everybody a bouquet. Plant trees for him in Israel. It's already costing me three
00:38:33insurance policies.
00:38:36Roll on Sunday.
00:38:38You want it over with. The greatest honor of your life.
00:38:49First, the chasm will call your grandfather up to the reading of the law. It's a mitzvah
00:38:54in your honor.
00:39:07And how's the loveliest grandson you could wish for? I can eat him.
00:39:13Hey, young man, bar mitzvah boy. You're not coming to sit on your zayda's knee?
00:39:39Then again, in your honor, the chasm will call your father up to the reading of the law.
00:39:53May I eat without hearing seating plans and menus and caterers and do we tip the rabbi?
00:39:58And should we invite Miriam? And what if it rains? And should I wear a long dress or a short
00:40:03dress? And nothing will spoil it, will it? In the morning, he gets bar mitzvahed. In the
00:40:08evening, we have the dinner dance. And by Sunday, it's all a dream.
00:40:31It always happens. The panic. Even in normal families. It's a big day for them. The biggest in their lives.
00:40:40Probably bigger for them than it is for you.
00:40:48Then comes the big moment. The moment when the chasm calls you up.
00:40:55You'll rise in a dignified manner. Walk up the steps and stand there beside him. And you'll
00:41:02sing in loud, clear Hebrew everything you've learned. That's your big moment, Elliot.
00:43:30Your mum's handbag.
00:43:31Would you like one?
00:43:33There's none left.
00:43:39Can I have a haircut, please?
00:43:41Closed.
00:43:42I've come for one because I want to, not because everybody else wants me to.
00:43:45I don't come when everybody else wants me to.
00:43:47It's a rule.
00:43:48When it says closed, I'm closed.
00:43:49That's another rule.
00:43:51Saturday's the Jewish Sunday, pal.
00:43:53Shabbos.
00:43:53Day of prayer.
00:43:57All right, now, where was I?
00:43:58Let's get on with it.
00:44:00Oh, yes.
00:44:02All right, I'll see you for 20p, Moishe.
00:44:07I've got no appetite.
00:44:09Of course you have.
00:44:09I'll give you one.
00:44:11How can anyone eat the broken heart?
00:44:14Practice makes perfect.
00:44:17Sorry.
00:44:20Shh, shh, shh.
00:44:21Oh, try a little soup.
00:44:24Leslie.
00:44:25Tomato sauce or brown sauce?
00:44:27On the voyage.
00:44:28I've been looking forward.
00:44:29No, we all had.
00:44:32I bought him a watch.
00:44:34I used a mix for presents.
00:44:37Shock crew peppers.
00:44:39Oh, mustard.
00:44:40Leslie.
00:44:41What?
00:44:42What did you say his name was?
00:44:43Um, Squidge.
00:44:44Elliot always calls him Squidge.
00:44:46Squidge what, for Christ's sake?
00:44:47I mean, if his father answers, I've never met the fella.
00:44:49Uh, Squidge Perlman.
00:44:50Perlman.
00:44:51And his Squidge is real?
00:44:53Oh, uh, good afternoon, Mrs. Perlman.
00:44:56I'm, uh, I'm sorry to trouble you.
00:44:58Is Elliot Green there, please?
00:45:01Squidge's pal?
00:45:03Sorry, you believe what?
00:45:05I see.
00:45:10She believes it's his bar mitzvah today.
00:45:13Punk'd.
00:45:14Now what?
00:45:15Who else?
00:45:17Leslie, I'll murder him, I will.
00:45:19I've spent 13 years bringing him up, and now I've done it.
00:45:22I won't bloody strangle him.
00:45:24Leslie, would your mother prefer tomato sauce, brown sauce, or mustard?
00:45:28Or none of them?
00:45:29Doesn't he pal out with that Morris Donner's lad?
00:45:31What's his name?
00:45:32Stuart?
00:45:33Stuart, Stuart.
00:45:34Uh, where, where's he live?
00:45:35What's his number?
00:45:36I've been paled out with Stuart since they were six years ago.
00:45:38Three years old, seeing who could we the highest.
00:45:41Excuse me.
00:45:42Excuse me.
00:45:43Man at work.
00:45:50I've run away.
00:45:52From home?
00:45:54No.
00:45:54Just away.
00:45:55Why?
00:45:59Where are you going now?
00:46:00Home.
00:46:01Just mince cutlets.
00:46:02I hate mince cutlets.
00:46:04I'm vegetarian, but they won't believe me.
00:46:07I've been vegetarian for over a fortnight.
00:46:10How do you fancy a picnic instead?
00:46:12An open-air picnic?
00:46:13A mouthful.
00:46:15Try one mouthful.
00:46:17Yeah.
00:46:19Yeah.
00:46:21That's bean and barley.
00:46:23Your favourite.
00:46:24You cooked it.
00:46:34And a worst sandwich.
00:46:41Victor.
00:46:41Victor.
00:46:43I'm on the phone.
00:46:45Victor, come here.
00:46:49All the months of...
00:46:52All the expense.
00:46:55Who's ever heard of a Jewish boy not getting permissifed?
00:46:59Something you don't hear of.
00:47:02I mean, you're his mother.
00:47:04You could have a heart attack.
00:47:07You could lie there and have a heart attack.
00:47:09I mean, Mr. Wax isn't a young man.
00:47:14She started sweating again.
00:47:17Victor.
00:47:19At this moment,
00:47:21on their way,
00:47:24are 117 guests.
00:47:27Sitting on the train,
00:47:30in cars,
00:47:32queuing for buses.
00:47:33All on their way.
00:47:38At half past six, Victor,
00:47:41117 people from Bournemouth,
00:47:45from Manchester,
00:47:46Leeds and Glasgow,
00:47:48from Birmingham,
00:47:50everywhere,
00:47:52are going to turn up at the Rubin Shuman Hall,
00:47:55expecting a dinner dance.
00:47:58All dressed up.
00:48:01Your uncle's Alman.
00:48:04My cousin, Frieda.
00:48:07Your brother we don't talk about from Cardiff.
00:48:11Don't upset yourself.
00:48:13117 people.
00:48:17117 portions of chopped liver.
00:48:21117 mushroom bollavons.
00:48:25117 chicken with croquet potatoes and hellslau.
00:48:29French beans and coleslaw.
00:48:33117 loks and kugels.
00:48:37Four-piece band.
00:48:40No bar mitzvah, boy.
00:48:43No bar mitzvah.
00:48:45No nothing.
00:48:47Don't upset yourself.
00:48:50So tell me,
00:48:51how do we cancel?
00:48:53How do we stop trains and cars
00:48:55and tell everyone to go home again?
00:48:59Do we stand on the M1 with a notice board?
00:49:02Do we stand outside the Rubin Shuman Hall
00:49:05and tell them Elliot's gone for a walk
00:49:06and they got no dinner?
00:49:09We ring Levis and tell them
00:49:11we accidentally made a mistake,
00:49:12it was next year.
00:49:13What do we say?
00:49:16Do we go?
00:49:18Do we turn up?
00:49:19Do we ever show our face again?
00:49:24Victor.
00:49:26You're a clever man.
00:49:28You read the newspapers.
00:49:29You argue politics.
00:49:30Tell me.
00:49:31I'd like to know.
00:49:37Shall I ring the police again?
00:49:42Perhaps a piece of sponge cake?
00:49:45Once you've said the prayers in the synagogue,
00:49:47you're a grown man.
00:49:48That's the supposed intention.
00:49:50It's a day that marks your passage
00:49:51from boyhood to manhood.
00:49:52So that's the passage.
00:49:54Oh, see.
00:49:56Mind you,
00:49:58the day my mum took me to get my first bra,
00:50:00well, that night I cried all night in bed.
00:50:03It's nothing standing up saying prayers.
00:50:06Christian girls are the far worst day ahead
00:50:08of them before they're grown up.
00:50:10I said Christian girls are the far worst day
00:50:13ahead of them.
00:50:15Of an intimate nature.
00:50:17I'll probably never get over it personally.
00:50:20It comes as this sudden shock,
00:50:22but you need to be frightened.
00:50:23Then you're a woman official.
00:50:26I'm going now.
00:50:28Now?
00:50:29You get on my nerves, actually.
00:50:32Does Squidge know you're here?
00:50:34No one does.
00:50:35Is it a secret?
00:50:36Well, obviously.
00:50:42Thank you, Rabbi.
00:50:43Listen.
00:50:44Very good of you.
00:50:47Upstairs?
00:50:47Yes.
00:50:50The Rabbi's here.
00:50:52She's that bad?
00:50:54He wanted to come.
00:50:57He'll make everything all right, maybe.
00:51:01How?
00:51:07There, now.
00:51:12No news from the police, I imagine.
00:51:14I'll make you a cup of tea.
00:51:20No, thank you, darling.
00:51:21I'll make you if I won't.
00:51:23It's not for you, it's for Rabbi Sherman.
00:51:35I'll make you a cup of tea.
00:51:36Hello?
00:51:37Hello, is that Elliot's mother?
00:51:39His sister?
00:51:39Who's that?
00:51:40If you want Elliot,
00:51:41it's in Jackson Street Playground.
00:51:43This is someone he split on at school yesterday
00:51:45who prefers to remain anonymous.
00:51:47You're sincerely a well-wisher.
00:51:56Are you going out?
00:51:58Shopping on.
00:52:00Shall I go for you?
00:52:07What's happening?
00:52:08Leslie's just popped out a minute.
00:52:10I don't know where.
00:52:10I'd have gone for her if she'd have wanted.
00:52:12I offered.
00:52:12First him, now her.
00:52:15It's like the extras from bloody Egypt.
00:52:16No disrespect.
00:52:18Life.
00:52:19You try.
00:52:21You do your best.
00:52:24It's not easy.
00:52:28Listen.
00:52:29If it was easy.
00:52:37It always has been.
00:52:41Always will be.
00:52:45What can you do?
00:52:49Let's go.
00:52:52Let's go.
00:52:59Here we go.
00:53:25I should always wear it if I was you. It's a hell of an improvement.
00:53:33Having a terrific time, are you? We've had a terrific time.
00:53:38We went to the synagogue. It was a good laugh. Pity you couldn't stay.
00:53:45Listen, nutcase, there are two alternatives. Either we talk or I smash your face in.
00:53:49It's entirely up to you. In a minute, there'll be one alternative.
00:53:55Are they upset?
00:53:57Upset.
00:53:59Are they?
00:54:00Oh, brilliant. Now they're having a bloody sing-song.
00:54:04Elliot, for God's sake, the most important day of their lives.
00:54:08Well?
00:54:10I did go for a haircut.
00:54:12You what?
00:54:14I just didn't have one, though.
00:54:16You went for a bar mitzvah and you didn't have one of those either.
00:54:18Is that why you left? You left to go for a sodding haircut?
00:54:21Of course not.
00:54:22Well, why, then?
00:54:25Why, Elliot?
00:54:29I don't think I'm old enough to be with Mitzvah.
00:54:33You're 13. That's the age.
00:54:36I don't think I've got the qualifications.
00:54:39What qualifications?
00:54:41The only qualification is to be 13.
00:54:44All you have to do is to breathe for 13 years and avoid the traffic.
00:54:47Now, what the hell are you talking about?
00:55:13Elliot, every Jewish boy gets the Mitzvah, every single one for thousands of years.
00:55:19Five thousand and seven hundred and thirty-six.
00:55:21Five thousand and seven hundred and thirty-six.
00:55:23Everybody.
00:55:25Dad did it.
00:55:26Granddad.
00:55:27Harold.
00:55:29They're not men, Leslie.
00:55:30That's the whole point.
00:55:32If that's being a man, I don't want to be one, do I?
00:55:35It's no good pretending I did.
00:55:39What are they, then?
00:55:41They're not men.
00:55:42Giraffes?
00:56:04That's a man, Elliot.
00:56:05If he was my age, he'd behave like he does.
00:56:07He'd get a clip round the ear.
00:56:09He acts like a kid.
00:56:11Harold acts like a baby.
00:56:12Granddad is a baby.
00:56:14That's what you think, is it?
00:56:16I'm not saying they're the only ones.
00:56:18That's the trouble.
00:56:20It's every failure.
00:56:20Yeah, well, I'll tell you what I think.
00:56:21It's all an excuse.
00:56:22You ran away because you were scared.
00:56:24You thought you'd get it wrong.
00:56:25You thought you'd make a nutnik of yourself.
00:56:27You were chicken.
00:56:28Leslie, I could do it standing on my head.
00:56:30Prove it.
00:56:31Look, all I'm saying is...
00:56:32Dead babies, they all did what you couldn't.
00:56:34It didn't work, though, did it?
00:56:36The Mitzvahs don't work.
00:56:37They tried, and they're still bloody trying.
00:56:39It's more than you did.
00:56:41And they're babies.
00:56:42You're a liar, Elliot.
00:56:43The whole thing's an excuse, and you're just a bloody liar.
00:56:47I could do it standing on my head.
00:56:49I could do it.
00:56:51I could do it.
00:57:06I could do it.
00:57:09I could do it.
00:57:14I could do it.
00:57:16I don't know.
00:57:34Why me? Why pick on me? What do you mean I'm a great help? I always have been.
00:57:38You're his father.
00:57:39So what am I supposed to do?
00:57:41Oh, I'm sick of arguing. I can't argue anymore.
00:57:45I do, my bloody share, Rita.
00:57:46The share of shouting, yes, that you're good at.
00:57:49The big man, the gunsermacher, shouting and bawling but never doing.
00:57:54Never since I've known you.
00:57:55Doing what?
00:57:56Anything.
00:57:57What?
00:57:58I go out every day and play, don't I?
00:58:01Twiddling my thumbs. The rent pays itself, clothes, food.
00:58:06I don't know what else I'm supposed to do but crying out loud.
00:58:11I know you don't.
00:58:36Can I do it the right way up now?
00:58:49I'm so proud of you.
00:58:50I'm so proud of you.
00:58:53I am so proud of you.
00:58:53I knew I'm so proud of you.
00:58:56I came to the right way up now.
00:59:00I'm so proud of you.
00:59:06I'm so proud of you.
00:59:21Harold, am I right or am I wrong?
00:59:25What?
00:59:25Who's right?
00:59:26What's he got to do with him?
00:59:28Nothing.
00:59:28Sticking his bloody oar in.
00:59:30Harold.
00:59:33Um, well, well.
00:59:39Actually, it's not really for me to say.
00:59:42It is.
00:59:42If I ask you, you have my permission.
00:59:45And mine.
00:59:45Go on.
00:59:46Who's right?
00:59:47Well, in some respects, there seems to be some truth.
00:59:51Which respects?
00:59:52Not all.
00:59:53I didn't say all.
00:59:53Which?
00:59:54Which?
00:59:58Well, speak.
00:59:59For once in your life, upset someone.
01:00:02Well, actually, in many respects,
01:00:07you're both right.
01:00:08I think there's a lot to be said for what you both said.
01:00:12I agree with you both.
01:00:16Wholeheartedly.
01:00:17Amen.
01:00:20You said amen?
01:00:22Amen.
01:00:23I told you I could do it.
01:00:25Muzzle top.
01:00:27I said muzzle top.
01:00:29Thanks.
01:00:33Do you want to take some enamel off your teeth?
01:00:38I just said it even better with a scroll in front of me.
01:00:40You're not expected to know it by heart.
01:00:42I was good, wasn't I?
01:00:44It's all Chinese to me.
01:00:45It was pretty good.
01:00:48Shame, then, isn't it?
01:00:49What is?
01:00:51Well, you could have been the first one.
01:00:53The first man ever.
01:00:55Seeing as there are no others.
01:00:58It's all right saying it.
01:01:00It's keeping it.
01:01:02I mean, the Ten Commandments must be a pig to start with.
01:01:06They've all said it.
01:01:09They probably all meant it.
01:01:10The time, anyway.
01:01:11At their be mitzvah.
01:01:14I mean, that's hard.
01:01:15But I expect it gets even harder.
01:01:19It probably gets harder and harder as you go on.
01:01:22There's the rub.
01:01:23Well, I think what you did was the hardest of all.
01:01:28Not getting brimitzvahed.
01:01:30Why?
01:01:31The most grown-up, anyway.
01:01:33That wasn't the intended intention.
01:01:36I know.
01:01:37Hard luck.
01:01:40Do you think I'm probably a man already, then?
01:01:43I think you're well on your way.
01:01:46Wow.
01:01:47It's a bit bloody scary.
01:01:50Why do you think they make such a sims of it?
01:01:52And there's no need to swear.
01:01:56I think I feel a bit sick.
01:01:59Come home.
01:02:01Join the club.
01:02:04Would that be grown-up, going home again?
01:02:07Very.
01:02:09I expect I'll have to tell a few lies, won't I?
01:02:12I'll tell the lies.
01:02:14I've had the practice.
01:02:17I've been growing up for years.
01:02:26He was worried.
01:02:28He was worried?
01:02:29You were bloody worried.
01:02:31Worried about your mother dying of a broken heart?
01:02:36Chutzpah, you broke it.
01:02:37People here were worried, my lad.
01:02:39Did you know that?
01:02:39I mean, your poor mother.
01:02:41Your grandfather.
01:02:41You do arithmetic at school, do you?
01:02:43Do you know how much the Rubin Schumann Hall costs at $750 a head?
01:02:48$117 a head?
01:02:49He had his reasons.
01:02:50He thought he had his reasons.
01:02:52He's only a kid.
01:02:53He was worried, that's all.
01:02:54Worried?
01:02:55You couldn't remember what you'd learned, Elliot?
01:02:57The Hebrew?
01:02:58Not that.
01:02:59He knows that backwards.
01:03:02Well, upside down.
01:03:04He did it.
01:03:06Did what?
01:03:07The lot.
01:03:08Word for word.
01:03:09What do you mean?
01:03:10He did it.
01:03:11He walked out.
01:03:12I was there.
01:03:13With my apricot-luched hat on, I was there.
01:03:16Covelli.
01:03:17He did it for me in the kids' playground.
01:03:19He recited his bar mitzvah?
01:03:21Word perfect.
01:03:22You really do put the boot in, don't you, mate?
01:03:24Well, next time you have a bar mitzvah, move the shawl to the kids' playground.
01:03:28Ring McAlpines, get an estimate.
01:03:31So what were you worried about, Tut?
01:03:35Well, he thought, he thought he couldn't be a man.
01:03:40The sort of man you'd expect.
01:03:43A man like you and Dad and Harold.
01:03:50Elliot.
01:03:53Barmpot.
01:03:55To you, I seem like a hero.
01:03:58It's only natural.
01:04:00Natural but stupid.
01:04:03I'm not all that wonderful.
01:04:05I've got faults.
01:04:07Little ones, maybe, but I've got them.
01:04:11Sometimes I've been a bit of a lover.
01:04:12When I was younger, perhaps.
01:04:15I wasn't always perfect.
01:04:17Nor is Ada here.
01:04:19Of course not.
01:04:21Fine man, but not every second of the day.
01:04:24And Harold, a fine boy, a good and a shummer, certainly.
01:04:27But sometimes, not often.
01:04:31A bit of a shlemiel.
01:04:32Now and then, we've all got little faults.
01:04:36You just haven't noticed them, that's all.
01:04:39Because we've learned to hide them in the fullness of time.
01:04:45Mr. Green, Mrs. Green.
01:04:49There's a prayer we say in shul, a prayer for mourners.
01:04:53No one's died?
01:04:54Who's died?
01:04:56It begins,
01:04:59Hamakom, Yenachayim, Eschem.
01:05:02Oh yes.
01:05:03Now it means, may the almighty comfort you.
01:05:05Oh yes.
01:05:06The point is, Hamakom means place.
01:05:10Meaning every place, meaning everywhere, meaning God.
01:05:15God means anywhere, everywhere.
01:05:18Synagogue, bedroom, battlefield, a playground.
01:05:26You did the full portion, Elliot.
01:05:28Yes.
01:05:29Everything?
01:05:30I got stuck on Machpelon in the bits about Abraham and the cave,
01:05:33but I went back and got it right.
01:05:35Now the thing is, for what I'm going to say,
01:05:38I may get a few nasty memos from high up.
01:05:41From fairly high up.
01:05:44But not from as high up as God.
01:05:47I don't think.
01:05:50But what are you going to say?
01:05:52What I'm going to say is,
01:05:54that in my view,
01:05:57Elliot is now bar mitzvahed.
01:06:03Pardon?
01:06:03If he did it, he did it.
01:06:06In Jackson Street playground?
01:06:09Hamakom, anywhere.
01:06:12Mind you,
01:06:14you'd still better see me in shul on Monday.
01:06:18Mazel Tov,
01:06:19you're a man, young man.
01:06:21How's it feel?
01:06:22Not much different, really.
01:06:24A bit more tired, that's all.
01:06:26Ladies and gentlemen,
01:06:28please be upstanding
01:06:30to receive your permissible boy, Elliot.
01:06:39Accompanied by your host and hostess,
01:06:42Mr. and Mrs. Green,
01:06:47with their lovely daughter, Leslie.
01:07:27I thank God for that.
01:07:30For one terrible minute,
01:07:32I thought it was going to walk
01:07:32right past the table
01:07:33and out the bloody window.
01:07:38I thought the fire level was a bit odd,
01:07:40did you?
01:07:42Victor!
01:07:43I'm busy.
01:07:45Who said we're there this morning
01:07:46when Elliot...
01:07:47when he didn't...
01:07:50Well, no, he never...
01:07:52What are we going to say happened?
01:07:53You're a ligner,
01:07:54you'll think of something.
01:07:55What phone?
01:07:56Rita, do me a favor.
01:07:57Worry about it.
01:08:03Beans, madam.
01:08:21It's a wonderful thing, a camera.
01:08:23All the pictures, several of them have to be.
01:08:27You look at them,
01:08:29you remember...
01:08:30It's a wonderful thing.
01:08:32Wonderful.
01:08:34Uh, through a black plastic.
01:08:45Through a black plastic.
01:08:46It's like a hair.
01:08:49It's nice.
01:08:50It's a waste stage.
01:08:52She looks good.
01:08:53I've got a good one.
01:08:54Ooh.
01:08:57What?
01:08:58Do you want my loxian pudding?
01:08:59Not you.
01:09:00It's fattening.
01:09:01Anyway, I can't eat anything.
01:09:02I've got a cold sore.
01:09:04Pass your plate.
01:09:05Is it allowed?
01:09:06Why not?
01:09:08Well, where'd you get it, etc.?
01:09:09No such thing.
01:09:11Only a ritual, really, isn't it?
01:09:13That's all.
01:09:14That's all.
01:09:15See you too.
01:09:15It's done now.
01:09:23What time?
01:09:25What time?
01:09:26When do you think?
01:09:27Well, we go to spring.
01:09:29Let's go for Peser.
01:09:30For Peser.
01:09:30That's a good idea.
01:09:32Very good idea.
01:09:33Israel.
01:09:34Yes.
01:09:36It's about five, I believe.
01:09:38Miss.
01:09:39Miss.
01:09:39Excuse me.
01:09:40Miss.
01:09:40You'll be able to go.
01:09:42You'll be able to go.
01:09:43Yes.
01:09:43You'll be able to go.
01:09:44Yes.
01:09:45Yes.
01:09:58Victor.
01:10:00Again, she's here with her Victor.
01:10:02Can you tell me why I worry about them?
01:10:04The kids.
01:10:05Twenty years from now, they'll still be going their own sweet way, happy, unhappy.
01:10:09What difference?
01:10:11I'll have worried myself into the grave.
01:10:14Twenty years.
01:10:16What am I talking about?
01:10:18Five years.
01:10:19Six months.
01:10:20Anytime.
01:10:22Perhaps I should ask when it would be convenient for them.
01:10:26Next Tuesday, maybe.
01:10:28I'll leave Wednesday's dinner on a low light.
01:10:31It's going to be convenient.
01:10:39Host, hostess, reverend sir, ladies and gentlemen, you pray silence for your vermicef boy, Elliot.
01:10:58My dear mother and father
01:11:00my dear sister
01:11:01my dear grandfather
01:11:03Rabbi Sherman, relatives and friends
01:11:06on this day that marks my passage
01:11:08from boyhood to manhood
01:11:09I'd like to thank you all for the great honour
01:11:11you have bestowed on me
01:11:12by your presence at this dinner dance
01:11:14shall cherish it all my life without fail
01:11:18I would like to thank Rabbi Sherman also
01:11:20for the patience he has bestowed on me
01:11:22during the last year while preparing me
01:11:25to learn the portion of the law
01:11:26which I have the honour to recite today
01:11:31it's been no end of a tower of strength
01:11:33in no uncertain terms
01:11:35most of all I would like to thank
01:11:37my dear mother and father
01:11:38for the guidance, wisdom and love
01:11:40which they have bestowed on me during my boyhood
01:11:44now that I am a man
01:11:46I will follow my dear father's example
01:11:49and that of my dear grandfather
01:11:51and last but not least
01:11:53that of my sister Leslie's boyfriend, Harold
01:11:55living my life with truth
01:11:57industry and selfless devotion
01:11:59according to the moral teachings of the Talmud
01:12:02at the risk of repeating myself
01:12:03there have been no end of a tower of strength
01:12:05in no uncertain terms
01:12:08I sincerely hope I will be a credit to them all
01:12:11that they will say of me
01:12:12as Anthony did of Brutus
01:12:14in Act 5, Scene 5, Line 73
01:12:16this was a man
01:12:20thank you all for the wonderful presence
01:12:22which you have bestowed on me
01:12:24which I am extremely grateful for
01:12:27I trust you will enjoy your evening
01:12:28not forgetting the dancing
01:12:30which is about to ensue
01:12:31as I feel sure you assuredly will
01:12:33thank you
01:12:35applause
01:12:48ladies and gentlemen
01:12:51your permissible boy
01:12:52accompanied by his mother
01:12:55your hostess
01:12:56will now take great pleasure
01:12:58in opening the ball
01:13:00applause
01:13:00give it a
01:13:27Oh, my God.
01:14:01Oh, my God.
01:14:54Oh, my God.
01:14:57Oh, my God.
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