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00:30This is late night. We hope you're doing well.
00:32And now, if you don't mind, we're going to get to the news.
00:35Oklahoma Senator Mark Wayne Mullen was sworn in yesterday
00:38as the Homeland Security Secretary.
00:40A proud moment for his parents, Dave Jim and Sue Nancy Mullen.
00:45During his swearing-in ceremony yesterday,
00:48Homeland Security Secretary Mark Wayne Mullen said that it,
00:50quote,
00:50seems surreal being in the Oval Office
00:53and having the President of the United States
00:55speak so highly of me.
00:57Enjoy it while it lasts, said thousands of people
01:01at the same time.
01:03During Homeland Security Secretary Mark Wayne Mullen
01:06swearing-in ceremony yesterday,
01:07President Trump praised U.S. service members
01:10intercepting Iranian missiles and called them, quote,
01:13the coolest cucumbers ever,
01:15which might be the nicest thing he's ever said
01:18about a green vegetable.
01:21In a post today on Truth Social,
01:23President Trump said that the public loves ice officers
01:26and added, quote,
01:27they're great American patriots
01:28and just happen to have much larger
01:30and harder muscles than most.
01:32All right.
01:33I don't think the public loves ice,
01:35but more importantly,
01:36why are you talking like a drunk aunt at the beach?
01:40Those boys throwing the football
01:42have larger muscles than most.
01:44Aunt Jenny, let me smell your water bottle.
01:47Go right ahead.
01:49You can't smell vodka.
01:51President Trump told reporters yesterday
01:53the U.S. and Iran are in negotiations right now
01:56to end the war and added, quote,
01:58they're talking to us and they're talking sense.
02:00Well, if they're talking sense,
02:02you're gonna need a translator.
02:06Military officials reportedly compiled a video update
02:09for President Trump that includes the biggest
02:11and most successful strikes from the war in Iran,
02:14although some of the footage looks very familiar.
02:21We got him.
02:22We got Nakatomi.
02:25President Trump reportedly planned
02:27to replace the gray pavement
02:29under his presidential walk of fame
02:30with a black granite walkway.
02:32Yeah, man, go for it.
02:33Might as well, because at this point,
02:34you're definitely not getting your security deposit back.
02:39First Lady Melania Trump hosted an AI roundtable event today
02:43that featured a robot named Figure 3
02:45and said that it was her, quote,
02:47first American-made humanoid guest in the White House.
02:49All right, it was at best the second.
02:55The Army recently increased its maximum enlistment age
02:59from 35 to 42 years old.
03:01Said one drill instructor,
03:03Drop and give me four sets of five!
03:10That's right.
03:11The Army recently increased its maximum enlistment age
03:14to 42 years old,
03:15so expect those letters from back home to get less sexy.
03:17Hey, fellas, gather around.
03:19She says Rebecca needs braces.
03:25The makers of natural light beer
03:27are offering a new fertilizer.
03:29What does it grow?
03:30Boston.
03:34And finally, in honor of National Cheesesteak Day,
03:37employees at the Philadelphia airport
03:38attempted to break a Guinness World Record yesterday
03:40by lining up nearly 1,300 sandwiches.
03:43Awesome!
03:44Said everyone waiting in the security line.
03:47Where do they...
03:48Oh, good for them!
03:49That's awesome!
03:51All right, you guys, that was a monologue!
03:54We got a great show for you tonight.
03:56She is a fantastic comedian.
03:58She is a best-selling author.
04:00Tickets to the second leg of her High and Mighty Tour
04:03go on sale March 27th at ChelseaHandler.com.
04:05Our friend Chelsea Handler is back on the show!
04:08We know her from Baby Driver,
04:10Fountain of Youth,
04:11the Netflix series 3, Body Problem.
04:13She's currently starring in Mike and Nick and Nick and Alice,
04:16which premieres March 27th on Hulu.
04:19Aza Gonzalez will also be joining us.
04:21So happy to have her here for the first time.
04:24You guys, before we get to all of that,
04:26Donald Trump's approval rating hit a new low
04:28as ICE agents loitered in airports
04:30and Iran rejected Trump's proposal to end the war.
04:33For more on this, it's time for A Closer Look.
04:39Donald Trump promised a lot of stuff
04:40during the 2024 campaign.
04:42You might not remember
04:43because you've permanently erased it from your brain,
04:45but I do because I have his tweets tattooed
04:48all over my body like memento.
04:52If you voted for Trump,
04:54there were probably three big things you cared about,
04:56breaking down prices, ending foreign wars,
04:58and deporting violent criminals.
05:00Starting the day I take the oath of office,
05:02I will rapidly drive prices down.
05:04We're not going to have war in the Middle East.
05:06We're going to get the criminals, the murderers,
05:08the drug dealers, we're going to get them out of here first.
05:11Damn, he's like me at the Emmys.
05:130 for 3.
05:15That's only for Outstanding Talk Show.
05:17If you include all the other categories,
05:19we're 0 for 15.
05:20And if you include all the times I lost at S&L,
05:23you know what? I want to talk this in, man.
05:24Why did we put this in?
05:25Just glad S&L went on such a long winning streak
05:27after I left.
05:28I hope Colin Jost brings all his Emmys with him
05:30the next time he goes bobsledding.
05:37Now that deserves an Emmy.
05:39The point is, Trump broke all of those promises.
05:42Prices are up.
05:42He's sending more troops to the Middle East
05:44and less than 14% of ICE arrests are violent criminals.
05:47In fact, Trump's immigration plan has gone so badly,
05:50the White House recently told Republicans
05:51to stop talking about mass deportations altogether.
05:54And that was like his whole thing.
05:57That's like telling Mr. Met to stop talking about baseball.
06:00That would be a crazy thing to tell him
06:03because Mr. Met doesn't talk.
06:06True story.
06:06He used to talk, but they made him stop
06:08because he kept telling the umps
06:09to get their eyes fixed.
06:14By the way, if today's Closer Look feels underwritten
06:17at any point, it's because Mr. Met stopped by the set
06:20and our Closer Look writer, Sal,
06:22checked out for like two hours.
06:25And it wasn't just Sal.
06:27Our whole Met-loving crew lost their minds.
06:30I overheard one of them say,
06:31Finally, a real celebrity.
06:33So not a great day for my ego.
06:36I almost said,
06:37You know, it's just a regular guy in there,
06:38but I didn't because, and I'm not joking,
06:40I don't think they know that.
06:43Here's a picture of my security guards
06:45with Mr. and Mrs. Met.
06:47If you're wondering what I was doing
06:48when that picture was taken,
06:50getting mugged
06:54by the Philly fanatic.
06:57It's been a day.
07:00It's been a real day.
07:02So Republicans are suddenly hush-hush
07:04about their mass deportation program,
07:06and now instead of deporting murderers
07:08and drug dealers like Trump promised,
07:10ICE agents are wandering around airports
07:12like Tom Hanks and the Terminal.
07:13What is ICE actually doing at U.S. airports right now?
07:16It's not really clear.
07:18Here's what we know they can do.
07:19According to a senior ICE official,
07:22agents could be helping out with tasks
07:24like checking IDs and doing crowd control.
07:27But we have not seen ICE agents
07:28doing much of anything.
07:30We're not seeing them doing anything
07:31at the screening checkpoints themselves,
07:33best we can tell.
07:34By and large, we are just seeing ICE
07:36walking around the terminal.
07:38What a great use of time and resources.
07:41ICE agents are wandering around airports
07:43like they're waiting for Cinnabon to open.
07:45I know we shouldn't have gotten here
07:46at 5 a.m. for a 9 o'clock flight.
07:49ICE is more useless at airports
07:51than those things that let you check
07:52if your carry-on is the right size.
07:55People cram oversized bags into those things
07:57like they're Joe Pesci stuffing a body
07:59into the trunk of a car.
08:01Sir, I don't think it's going to fit.
08:03Maybe my shoe will fit in your ass!
08:05I don't have a Pesci.
08:07I think it's clear I don't have a Pesci.
08:08So deploying ICE to airports
08:10has been mostly pointless so far.
08:12Whoever came up with this dumb idea
08:14must be feeling real sheepish about it.
08:17This idea was...
08:18Mine. That was mine.
08:19This week.
08:21This week.
08:22When it goes badly,
08:23you can be sure it was someone else's idea.
08:25ICE in the airports?
08:26I think that was J.D.
08:27J.D., weren't you the one?
08:29I think you were the one who said,
08:30let's get ICE into the airports.
08:32While the news in general is terrible,
08:34it's still fun to watch Trump's many lickspittles
08:36having to grin and nod as he gives them credit
08:38for his failing ideas.
08:40Like earlier this week
08:41when he fully laid Iran at Pete Hegseth's feet.
08:44I called a lot of our great people.
08:47We have great people.
08:48And I said, let's talk.
08:49We got a problem in the Middle East.
08:51Pete, I think you were the first one to speak up.
08:53And you said, let's do it.
08:55When Hegseth heard that,
08:56he probably thought, bomb, bomb, fight, fight, drink, bomb,
08:59because that's all he ever thinks.
09:00But if he was capable of more heightened analysis,
09:03he'd probably think, what?
09:05But for now, ICE in airports is still Trump's idea.
09:08And he even did us the courtesy
09:10of explaining how he came up with it.
09:12That was like the paperclip.
09:14You know the story of the paperclip?
09:15No.
09:19I'm sorry I don't,
09:20because I don't speak concussion.
09:25What?
09:27Sir, what exactly the hell are you talking about?
09:30182 years ago,
09:31a man discovered the paperclip.
09:34It was so simple.
09:35And everybody that looked at it say,
09:37why didn't I think of that?
09:38Now, if you're thinking to yourself,
09:40is Trump right that the paperclip
09:42was invented 182 years ago?
09:44The answer is yes, he is correct.
09:46In fact, Trump went on to explain
09:48that in the year 1844,
09:50an Icelandic cobbler named Magnus Olsen
09:52invented an early prototype of the paperclip
09:54consisting of two wooden triangles
09:57fastened with twine.
09:58And of course it wasn't 182 years ago!
10:04He's just pulling numbers out of his ass
10:06like an ice agent doing a cavity search
10:08at the airport.
10:11182 years ago.
10:15Also,
10:16I have to go back to this part.
10:18A man discovered the paperclip.
10:20Nobody
10:21discovered the paperclip.
10:25It was invented.
10:26Do you think Steve Jobs
10:27just found an iPod
10:29sticking out of the sand
10:30on the beach one day?
10:31He's like,
10:31oh, look at this luck.
10:33I'll have to...
10:33I'll have to wear my lucky outfit
10:35the rest of my life.
10:42You're talking about it like
10:43he was a prospector
10:44digging for gold
10:46and just, like, stumbled
10:47on a mine full of paperclip.
10:48Oh, my golly, look at this.
10:51This here mountain's full
10:53of small metal loops.
10:54We can use them
10:55to hold our takeout menus together.
10:57Oh!
10:58Oh!
10:59I'm going to be a millionaire!
11:02So Trump's immigration plan
11:03was a bust,
11:03but what about prices?
11:05Wait.
11:05Before you play the clip,
11:06let me guess.
11:07They're going down?
11:08Tonight, gas prices are spiking.
11:10Americans are now paying
11:11nearly a dollar more
11:13per gallon at the pump.
11:14Prices keep going up and up.
11:16Prices over $6 a gallon,
11:19while this downtown L.A. Chevron
11:20pushes close to $9 a gallon.
11:23Can you imagine a world
11:24where we're paying $10 a gallon?
11:26Yes.
11:27$10 a gallon?
11:28How am I supposed to afford that?
11:30I don't got paperclip money.
11:35I showed up right after the first guy found it.
11:40If I pulled up to a gas station
11:41and saw that gas was $10 a gallon,
11:43I would just leave my car there
11:44and walk home.
11:45And then I'd walk right back
11:47to the gas station after my wife said,
11:48the you do?
11:51Okay, so we're zero for two so far
11:53on Trump promises,
11:54which brings us to the war in Iran.
11:55He promised no more wars in the Middle East,
11:57but you guys, good news,
11:58it's not a war.
11:59I saw what was happening in Iran,
12:01and I said,
12:02I hate to make this excursion,
12:04but we're going to have to do it.
12:05We took a little bit of a journey,
12:07a little bit of an excursion.
12:10I went to Susie.
12:11I always go to Susie.
12:12I said, Susie,
12:13do you mind if I take a little excursion here?
12:15Stop calling it an excursion.
12:17An excursion is a vacation,
12:19which no one can afford
12:19because gas is so expensive.
12:21Also, an excursion doesn't last three weeks.
12:24An excursion, one week max.
12:26The only people who go on excursions
12:28for three weeks are rich kids
12:29who claim they're backpacking through Europe,
12:30then post a photo from the Ritz in Barcelona.
12:33Trump can't tell us what the goal of the war is
12:35or how long it'll last or how it'll end.
12:37One minute, he says he's talking to Iran.
12:39The next minute, Iran says they're not talking to Trump.
12:41One breath, he's sending more troops.
12:42The next, he's offering a peace deal.
12:44One day, he's threatening to obliterate Iran's power plants.
12:47The next, he's saying stuff like this.
12:49They did something yesterday
12:50that was amazing, actually.
12:51They gave us a present,
12:54and the present arrived today.
12:56It was a very big present
12:58worth a tremendous amount of money.
13:01And I'm not going to tell you what that present is,
13:03but it was a very significant prize.
13:09They sent us a beautiful present worth a lot of money,
13:12a very significant prize.
13:14I can't tell you what it is,
13:15but let's just say we're not going to have trouble
13:18holding our papers together any longer.
13:23Seriously.
13:23Seriously.
13:26What?
13:27And I say this with all due respect,
13:29the are you talking about?
13:33I mean, not only will he not tell us the present they gave him,
13:36he doesn't even seem to be clear on who they are.
13:41A top person.
13:42We're dealing with the man who I believe is the most respected and the leader.
13:48The people that seem to be running it.
13:50They gave us a present,
13:52and they gave it to us,
13:53and they said they were going to give it,
13:54so that meant one thing to me,
13:56we're dealing with the right people.
13:57What it showed me is that we're dealing with the right people.
14:00Because, you know, you don't know.
14:01They said they were going to do it,
14:02and it happened.
14:04And they're the only ones that could have done it.
14:05Who is they?
14:07What do you mean you don't know,
14:08and it's a top person,
14:09and they seem to be running it?
14:11Is the president getting catfished?
14:14I've been messaging with someone on Facebook.
14:16He says he's a top person at Bank of America.
14:18He says there's an account with my name on it.
14:21They're not to brag.
14:21I got a million dollars in it,
14:23and all I have to do is give him my social security number,
14:25and he seems to be in charge of a lot of stuff,
14:28because he sent a photo of himself at work
14:29that looks very real.
14:33But if you're worried
14:34about the president's negotiating skills,
14:36don't worry.
14:36Pete Hegseth is also involved,
14:38which makes sense,
14:39because this whole thing was his idea.
14:41And he's making sure to keep the pressure on Iran.
14:45We see ourselves as part of this negotiation as well.
14:48We negotiate with bombs.
14:50You have a choice,
14:51as we loiter over the top of Tehran,
14:54as the president talked about,
14:55about your future.
14:56The president has made it clear
14:57that you will not have a nuclear weapon.
14:59The war department agrees.
15:01Our job is to ensure that.
15:02And so we're keeping our hand on that throttle
15:05as long as it's hard as it's necessary.
15:11Yeah, I don't think that's how you meant to say that.
15:15We're keeping our hand on the throttle
15:16as long as it's hard and necessary.
15:18And then sometimes we'll take the pressure up, you know?
15:22Sometimes we'll take the pressure down.
15:23Sometimes we'll go up and we'll just go up and down
15:26so the throttle doesn't know what to expect.
15:27And then, you know, just when the enemy thinks it's over
15:29and the job's nearly done,
15:30yeah, we'll speed up and the throttle really fast
15:33until the last bomb explodes.
15:34And, you know, then we'll...
15:37Then we'll clean up and get the hell out of here.
15:40I haven't seen that hand motion
15:41since I saw everyone on my crew meet Mr. Met.
15:48By the way, I'm not the only one
15:50who thought the throttle was a weird analogy.
15:51Check out Trump's face while Hegseth was speaking.
15:53We're keeping our hand on that throttle
15:56as long as it's hard as it's necessary.
16:09He looks like a nerd in an 80s movie
16:11when a lady's towel falls off.
16:14Trump's thinking to himself,
16:16uh-oh, they're gonna use that clip on Seth Meyers tonight.
16:20He's talking about going long and hard on a throttle.
16:23And look, at this point, the jokes,
16:24you know, they write themselves, don't they, folks?
16:27With Biden, you had to write your own jokes,
16:29but now they write themselves.
16:30I'm bringing the self-writing jokes back.
16:34So now Trump's approval rating
16:35is at its lowest point since he returned to office
16:38with over 60% of Americans saying
16:40they disapprove of the job he's doing.
16:41But Trump wants you to think
16:42that actually everyone's psyched.
16:43Today, he wrote on social media, and this is real,
16:45the public is loving ICE.
16:47They are great American patriots.
16:48They just happen to have much larger
16:49and harder muscles than most,
16:51which is what they are supposed to have.
16:53Whoa!
16:54Hand off the throttle, big fella!
16:59Trump promised three big things in his campaign,
17:01lower prices, no new wars,
17:03and deporting violent criminals,
17:04and he's zero for three.
17:05Now he can't even find his way out of a war with Iran
17:08that's both unpopular and driving prices up.
17:10He's panicking.
17:11Every time he sees his poll numbers go down on TV,
17:13he says...
17:17Real quick, it's spring break,
17:19and so my son Axel's here, and...
17:25Before Closer Look, he basically bullied me
17:29into giving him a dollar every time I cursed
17:31in a Closer Look.
17:33How much?
17:3412 bucks!
17:3512 bucks!
17:39I don't think we can afford it.
17:42This has been a Closer Look.
17:48We'll be right back with Chelsea Handler.
17:57For more of Seth's Closer Looks,
17:59be sure to subscribe to Late Night on YouTube.
18:08Our first guest tonight is a Grammy-nominated comedian
18:10and best-selling author.
18:12Tickets to the second leg of her High & Mighty tour
18:14go on sale March 27th at ChelseaHandler.com.
18:17Please welcome back to the show,
18:18my friend Chelsea Handler, everybody!
18:32How are you?
18:34I'm great.
18:34How are you?
18:35I'm wonderful,
18:35and I kind of can't comprehend how,
18:37with your busy touring schedule,
18:39you've also found time on social media
18:40to launch your own dating service.
18:43Yes.
18:43Yeah.
18:45And it's not like an app.
18:47It's, no, I decided it was an emergency.
18:49Yeah.
18:49I was at a party,
18:51and there were so many, like,
18:52very successful, really good-looking women
18:55who were just like,
18:56it's so rough out there.
18:57Yeah.
18:58And I was like,
18:58I got home,
18:59I was a little buzzed,
19:00and I went,
19:01and I recorded a message for Instagram
19:03and said,
19:04hey, I want to help people connect,
19:05even if it's in the comments.
19:06Like, just say what you're looking for.
19:08I want people to get penetration,
19:10and, you know,
19:11meet,
19:11and the people who want something more serious
19:13also to facilitate that, you know?
19:16And my DMs filled up
19:18with a lot of messages,
19:20and about 90% of them are from gay guys.
19:23Okay.
19:25So, but I'm not worried about gay men having sex.
19:29Yeah.
19:29That's clearly happening everywhere we go.
19:32Yeah.
19:33So I was trying to help women,
19:34and now...
19:35I feel like, you know,
19:35with all due respect,
19:36because, again,
19:37I think they're all crushing it.
19:38Like, you know,
19:39this isn't time to get out of,
19:40please get out of this queue.
19:42Yeah, yeah, yeah, right, right.
19:44Yeah.
19:44Allow space for people
19:45who aren't getting as much action.
19:47Because gay men,
19:48I basically turned into Grindr,
19:50is basically what's happened.
19:51Because I want people to,
19:53I want them to hook up.
19:53Have you made any matches?
19:55I have.
19:55I've made a couple,
19:56but then it became overwhelming,
19:57so I had to involve some other people.
19:59Got it.
20:00To go look and sort through.
20:01So there's going to be updates,
20:03but I just want to make an announcement
20:04while I'm here.
20:05Thank you for this opportunity.
20:06I know you're married,
20:07so obviously count yourself out.
20:09Okay.
20:10But for any straight men out there
20:12that are really looking
20:13for, like, an awesome woman,
20:15if you're serious about a relationship
20:17and you have a job
20:19and everything seems normal,
20:23people like you,
20:24you have friends,
20:25please DM me.
20:26Like, I can find you a woman.
20:28I can.
20:29Yeah.
20:29I have access to the best women.
20:31Can I say something?
20:32What I like about this is,
20:34look, I feel like
20:35you could go in a dating app,
20:36you could maybe, like,
20:37you know, look,
20:37you could tell white lies.
20:39I would not feel comfortable
20:40doing that with you, right?
20:41If I'm turning myself over
20:42to you, Chelsea Handler,
20:44I know that if I'm lying about stuff,
20:45you will call them out.
20:46Yeah.
20:47There will be problems.
20:48Yeah.
20:49But I've also, conversely,
20:51like, I do, you know,
20:52there's some things wrong
20:53in the world.
20:54You know, people are not meeting
20:55the same way they used to.
20:57Men are, something's wrong
20:58with men, I think.
20:59Yeah.
20:59You know, straight men.
21:01Yeah.
21:01Something's wrong.
21:02Yeah.
21:02So, like, I want to help you.
21:04I want to help you meet.
21:05If you don't know how to meet women,
21:06be honest, and we'll help you.
21:08Can I tell you why things are,
21:10what's wrong with straight white men?
21:11Is it?
21:12We're under attack.
21:16I understand.
21:17I understand.
21:18And I understand the fragility
21:19that goes along with that.
21:20But in order to come on...
21:21You walk a day in our shoes.
21:24You are under attack.
21:25Yeah, it's so hard.
21:26It's so hard.
21:27It's almost feels like men over 50
21:29need some sort of iPhone update.
21:31You know what I mean?
21:32Like, that hasn't been made
21:34available to them
21:35because you haven't updated
21:36your phone.
21:36Like, you just need a refresh.
21:38And I honestly think
21:39everything will be okay.
21:40That's really great.
21:41The problem is none of us
21:42can remember to plug our phones
21:43in all night.
21:43I know.
21:44And it has to be plugged in.
21:45It won't update
21:45if the phone's not plugged in.
21:46Do you like when people
21:47try to set you up?
21:49I don't think so.
21:50Yeah.
21:50I never did either.
21:51I don't really...
21:52It's never really worked out
21:54that I can recall.
21:54Yeah.
21:55I'm going to find
21:56what I'm looking for.
21:57On your own.
21:57On my own.
21:58You prefer to have
21:59your own agency
22:00in those moments.
22:00Yes.
22:01I like...
22:02If a man...
22:02Like, for instance,
22:03this is good.
22:04When a man hits on me,
22:05I know that they're confident
22:06because I know that
22:08most men are icked out by me.
22:09You know what I mean?
22:10I wouldn't say icked out.
22:12I'd say intimidated.
22:13I'd buy into that.
22:14Okay, fine.
22:14You can frame it
22:15in a nice way.
22:16I'll frame it as icked out.
22:18Men are like,
22:18it's a lot of women,
22:19you know?
22:20So if you do approach me,
22:22I find that to be
22:23attractive and charming.
22:24I'm like,
22:25oh, look at this guy.
22:25He thinks he can talk to me.
22:27And then I'm interested.
22:29So men,
22:29keep this in mind, okay?
22:30Yeah.
22:31We like the attention.
22:33You have a new boyfriend.
22:34Congratulations.
22:35Well, thank you.
22:35Is it true that you met him
22:38at the slot machines
22:40in Las Vegas?
22:41No, I don't use
22:42the slot machines.
22:42Okay, good.
22:43Come on.
22:43He was 105.
22:45I was gambling.
22:47Yes, yes.
22:47I was gambling.
22:48He had money.
22:49I was out of money.
22:50My friends had lost my money.
22:52I borrowed money.
22:53And then he wanted
22:54to go on a date.
22:55And I told him
22:55that I was going to Antarctica.
22:56And he went to Antarctica
22:58for our first date.
22:59So we've been dating
23:00ever since.
23:01Really?
23:01Yeah.
23:02Isn't that cute?
23:04What a way to start things.
23:05Yeah, I was...
23:06Again, what I was saying before,
23:08like, not everybody
23:08can obviously go to Antarctica
23:09or wants to.
23:11But I thought I was going
23:12on a psychedelic conference
23:14to Antarctica.
23:15So obviously,
23:16it was a work trip.
23:17I mean, if a woman told me that,
23:20I'd be like,
23:20oh, so she's a liar.
23:22That's right.
23:24Exactly.
23:25So, but a big move
23:27like that, I liked.
23:28Yeah.
23:28I liked that.
23:29That made me attracted.
23:30Then I was interested again
23:31in seeing him.
23:32This is not him.
23:33But I do want to ask
23:35what you're doing right here
23:36because this is a man
23:37on a bed in a towel
23:38and that's you
23:38seeming to inject
23:39something at him.
23:40And by the way,
23:41this isn't a gotcha photo.
23:43You brought this.
23:43I brought this, yes.
23:45I posted this today.
23:47This is one of my gay publicists
23:48who's also single
23:49and available
23:50if you're interested.
23:51Okay, great.
23:52He's tagged in this photo
23:53on Instagram.
23:54I took him skiing.
23:55I took some friends
23:55to Aspen this weekend.
23:56I had a work commitment
23:57and I decided to make
23:59a trip out of it.
24:01And he had never skied before
24:03and he ended up
24:04with a hematoma
24:04on the side of his hip
24:06from falling and skiing.
24:08And that's me.
24:09Actually, I'm vaping.
24:10That's not injecting.
24:13It looks like I'm injecting.
24:14I am actually.
24:15You're just looking at it
24:16and vaping.
24:17Well, exactly.
24:21Yeah, that's great.
24:22Yes.
24:22So not like medical professional,
24:24just more like curious person.
24:26I think I've mentioned
24:28this to you before.
24:29I have an extensive
24:30medical background
24:31and I like to consider myself
24:32a farm-to-table gynecologist.
24:34Yeah.
24:34So I was looking
24:36at the damage
24:37and then I was
24:38medicating myself
24:39so that I didn't
24:40get carried away.
24:41But he's going to be okay
24:42and he's going to be ready
24:43for Coachella
24:44for anyone who wants
24:45to meet him there.
24:46I got a lot more
24:47to ask Chelsea
24:47right after this, everybody.
25:06Hey, everybody.
25:07We're back
25:07with Chelsea Handler
25:08and we were talking.
25:10You do not have children,
25:12but you like having
25:12children in your life.
25:13I mean, yeah,
25:15I like them at a distance.
25:16Yeah.
25:17But you're like a very...
25:18As a community,
25:19like, you know...
25:19You're a very strong...
25:20You have a very strong
25:21aunt game.
25:22I do.
25:22I'm a good aunt,
25:23you know, most of the time.
25:25I mean, you know,
25:25they know I'm where
25:26the action is.
25:27Right.
25:28If you're going to hang out
25:28with me, that's where
25:29the fun is.
25:30Yeah.
25:30You know, like,
25:31some of my brothers
25:31and sisters are married
25:32to people that are not
25:33as fun and I tell them
25:35when we go on vacation,
25:37like, follow my lead
25:37and I have the edibles
25:39and whatever else.
25:39Okay, gotcha.
25:40Whatever.
25:41So there's a real gray area
25:42as far as, like,
25:44what kind of aunt you are.
25:45Yeah.
25:46Like, I'm more of, like,
25:47a sister aunt.
25:48You know what I mean?
25:48But I do want to, like,
25:51I do care about
25:52people's children
25:53in general.
25:54Like, I care about
25:55all of our children.
25:56I think that is very important
25:57as an adult
25:57that doesn't have children
25:58to always make sure
25:59that children are
26:00taken care of.
26:01Yeah.
26:01You know?
26:01Which, by the way,
26:04shouldn't be that hard
26:05of a thing to agree to
26:06and yet, strangely,
26:07it does.
26:07Yes, yes.
26:08I know.
26:08I even once took
26:09a parenting class,
26:10quite frankly.
26:11One of my friends
26:12was having trouble
26:12with her kids
26:14and I was like,
26:14oh, I'll take
26:15a parenting class with you.
26:16And I learned
26:17a ton of stuff
26:18and I was like,
26:18wow, this is really impressive.
26:20Yeah.
26:20So, like, I mean,
26:21people would be, like,
26:22very surprised
26:23to learn about that.
26:24I wrote it about it
26:24in my book,
26:25but I learned a lot
26:26of important things.
26:27Like, you can never
26:27get mad at a child.
26:28You know, when a child's mad,
26:30you have to be the adult.
26:31And you have to always
26:32be ready for their good.
26:33There's no joke coming.
26:34This is serious.
26:35You have to be ready
26:36and meet their moment
26:37like you have to be the tree.
26:39Like, no matter
26:40if they're upset,
26:41crying, happy, or joyful,
26:42you're always there.
26:43Yeah, that's why
26:44I've never gotten mad
26:45at my kids.
26:46By the way,
26:47Seth has one of his children
26:48at work with him today.
26:49Yeah.
26:50So that's...
26:50I think he might remember
26:52one or two times
26:53I got a little mad at him.
26:54But I'm gonna do
26:55that tree thing
26:56moving forward.
26:57Yeah, just be the tree.
26:57Be the tree.
27:00You hosted
27:01the Critics' Choice Awards
27:01four times.
27:02Yeah.
27:03And it's an incredible...
27:05It's an incredible room.
27:07I like that kind of stuff.
27:08I like a one-off gig.
27:10You know what I mean?
27:11Where you get up
27:12and you...
27:12I mean, even though
27:12I've done it four times,
27:13it's once a year.
27:14And that's the kind of workload
27:15I'm interested in.
27:16I feel like you
27:17do a very good job.
27:18You make fun of people
27:19in the room.
27:19But I also feel
27:20as though the people
27:20in the room know
27:21you're doing it with love.
27:22It's like a nice line to walk.
27:24Yeah.
27:24I think they consider you a peer.
27:25Do you enjoy that?
27:27I do.
27:27Are you good at making fun of people?
27:28I think so.
27:29I mean, I've always
27:29kind of made fun of people.
27:30That's how I was born.
27:31You know, I was the youngest
27:32of six...
27:33Or I still am the youngest
27:34of six children
27:36until all my siblings die off.
27:39Keep us updated.
27:40Next time you come out,
27:40I'll ask.
27:41They would take me to places
27:43and be like...
27:43My brothers would take me
27:44to places and be like,
27:45go yell at that guy.
27:46Go tell him he's an idiot.
27:47And I'd be like...
27:48I would be like four.
27:49I'd be like,
27:49listen up, you...
27:51You know, I just would...
27:52I went off.
27:53And I got rewarded for it
27:55at a young age.
27:55But I'm also very...
27:56Like, it's my personality
27:57to just be direct.
27:59Not necessarily go off on them
28:00like I did when I was younger.
28:02It's more refined.
28:03But I definitely have no problem
28:05telling somebody
28:06that you're an idiot.
28:07You know what I mean?
28:08You're on a very...
28:09What looks like
28:10an arduous tour right now
28:12all across the country.
28:13Well, we need joy
28:14and laughter, people.
28:15100%.
28:15Thank you for your effort.
28:17Thank you for your effort.
28:18I know you're doing shows, too.
28:19It's great.
28:20And I will say
28:21it is nice to be...
28:22I think the collective joy
28:23of being in a room
28:23with people
28:24who all made a choice
28:25to come out...
28:25Yes, yes.
28:26...to laugh.
28:26It's a really special feeling.
28:28It's also, as a performer,
28:29when you walk out,
28:30just like we're watching
28:31this audience tonight,
28:32you know, you see people
28:33that didn't come
28:33to your show together
28:34that are sitting
28:35next to each other.
28:36And when you're making
28:37people laugh like that
28:38and they're rubbing shoulders,
28:39you're, like, reminding everybody,
28:41A, about humanity,
28:43about joyfulness,
28:44and it feels very purposeful
28:45as a comedian
28:46to be able to provide
28:47a reprieve
28:48during this hell
28:49we're living through.
28:50Yeah.
28:51You also...
28:53100%.
28:55Obviously, air travel
28:56right now
28:56is a bit of a nightmare.
28:57You dedicated
28:58one of your books,
28:58I believe your last book,
28:59maybe, to flight attendants.
29:00Yes.
29:01And the hard work they do.
29:03Is that something
29:03you've always appreciated,
29:05the efforts they put into it?
29:06Yeah, they have to put up
29:07with a lot of garbage.
29:07My next book,
29:08I'm going to have to dedicate
29:09to these TSA employees
29:10who are working every day,
29:11these poor people.
29:12I know.
29:12We have to thank
29:13these people every day.
29:15And I read somewhere on...
29:16I read on Instagram somewhere,
29:17because that's all I read now,
29:18is somebody suggested
29:21we send all the ICE people,
29:23all the ICE guys
29:24that are pretending to work.
29:26I don't know what they're doing
29:27at the airport,
29:27but we should send them to Iran.
29:29I thought that was a great idea.
29:30Oh, that's interesting.
29:31Yeah.
29:32That's an interesting thought.
29:33Yeah.
29:33That was clever.
29:35They don't deal with it.
29:36You've got an incredible
29:37amount of dates.
29:38I'm so happy to see you.
29:40Please come back soon.
29:41Thank you, Seth.
29:41You're always such a delight
29:42to talk to.
29:42Thank you, guys.
29:43Chelsea Handler.
29:43For information on Twitter,
29:45visit ChelseaHandler.com.
29:46We'll be right back
29:47with Aza Gonzalez.
30:02Our next guest,
30:03a very talented actress
30:04who you know from such films
30:06is Baby Driver, Hobbs & Shaw,
30:08fountain of youth
30:09in the Netflix series
30:10Three Body Problems.
30:10She stars in the action comedy
30:12Mike and Nick and Nick and Alice,
30:13which premieres March 27th on Hulu.
30:16Let's take a look.
30:19Holy s**t.
30:20Mm-hmm.
30:30So there's two Nicks.
30:32Well, you have some questions.
30:33I would imagine
30:33you would have some questions.
30:34I had a lot of questions.
30:36Well, I do have a question.
30:39Which Nicks from the future?
30:42What?
30:42How did you know that?
30:43Are you from the past?
30:44I'm from the future.
30:46Six months from now.
30:48How did you...
30:49Well, Simon's my friend.
30:50Remember?
30:51I mean, he told me why
30:52he wanted money from you guys,
30:53but I thought he was a f**k cook,
30:55but...
30:55God damn.
30:58Simon figured how to f**k time travel.
31:01Please welcome to the show
31:02Aza Gonzalez, everybody!
31:19Welcome to the show, Aza.
31:20Oh, my God.
31:20Your studio's so beautiful.
31:22It's a very beautiful studio.
31:23It's a very good vibe.
31:24You were just in Austin,
31:26a South by Southwest,
31:27one of the great festivals.
31:28Ooh, we got some Austin locals.
31:30We do have some Austin,
31:31or just people who recognize the name.
31:34Are you?
31:35We got some real geography heads here.
31:37Yeah, they're like,
31:37we know where that is.
31:37We know where that is.
31:38I know where that is.
31:40Yeah, I was there.
31:41It was such a good time.
31:42I lived in Austin.
31:44It was the first place I ever moved to
31:45when I moved to the U.S.
31:46So it has a beautiful place in my heart.
31:49You know, Texans are kind of like border...
31:52It's in border Mexico.
31:53So it's like same, same, but different.
31:55Yeah, yeah, yeah.
31:55This is a very fun movie title to say,
31:58and one of the reasons we hear the name twice,
32:00as you might have guessed,
32:01is there's two Vince Vons.
32:03Yeah.
32:03Now, one Vince Vaughn,
32:04already a force of nature.
32:06I love watching one Vince Vaughn,
32:08like double Vince Vaughn.
32:09Also, have you seen how tall he is?
32:11Yeah.
32:12And I have to say, he said this.
32:13I'm not going to say something mean about it,
32:15but he said he's circus tall, which is true.
32:17Yeah.
32:18He is circus tall.
32:19I mean, there's photos of us,
32:21and I'm just looking seven feet up.
32:23It's incredible.
32:23So the interesting thing is,
32:24because there's two Vince Vaughn's,
32:25you had to use a body double,
32:27so did they have to find a circus tall body double?
32:30They did.
32:31I don't know how they found him.
32:32In Winnipeg, by the way.
32:34Really?
32:35No one from Winnipeg?
32:36No woo.
32:36No woo for Winnipeg.
32:38People know it, but they're like,
32:39no, thank you.
32:41Yeah.
32:43Yeah, well, I...
32:43That's amazing.
32:44Like, I feel bad for the casting person,
32:46but they're like,
32:46we need someone, Vince Vaughn Tall,
32:48they've got to be from Winnipeg.
32:49From Winnipeg.
32:50Yeah, but they found him.
32:51Tall Canadians.
32:52This is a very genre-bending,
32:55this is a crime movie,
32:56super fun, gangsters,
32:58also time travel, sci-fi.
33:00It would assume fun to make.
33:02Oh, my God, a laugh every day.
33:04Everyone is just funny,
33:05and then there's like a cat
33:06who's number one in the call sheet,
33:08strangely, and...
33:09But this is, is it true, though,
33:11that that's problematic for you,
33:12that you are actually, in real life,
33:14deathly allergic to cats.
33:15I am deathly allergic to cats.
33:17So why would you take a cat movie?
33:21Asa, do you just love the work so much?
33:23Yeah, you know, first of all,
33:24I do have a mortgage to pay,
33:26and then I think, secondly,
33:29I just, you know, actors lie.
33:31That's our job.
33:32We lie for a living.
33:33Oh, did you say you're good with cats?
33:34Were you like, oh, yeah,
33:35you don't got to worry about me and cats,
33:36and then they're like,
33:37you guys, is this crying?
33:39Maybe.
33:40Yeah.
33:40Maybe.
33:41He was like, how do you feel about cats?
33:42I'm like, love them.
33:43Amazing.
33:44Who does not love cats?
33:45Is it observable how allergic you are to cats?
33:47Oh, I'm like, I could die.
33:49Like, truly, it's like a...
33:52Kind of take me to the hospital situation.
33:53So when the cat got cast,
33:55well, when...
33:55Sorry, pardon me.
33:56When I got cast,
33:57the cat was a whole conversation,
33:59and then I kind of had to break it
34:01to the director and be like,
34:02well, you know,
34:02I forgot to mention a little detail,
34:04and he said, what's that?
34:06And I was like,
34:06well, I think I can't really be with the cat.
34:09And he's like,
34:10the whole premise of the story is the cat.
34:13And Ben David has a, you know,
34:14he had a cat who passed away
34:16right when we started filming the movie,
34:17so he has, like,
34:18a very specific feeling around cats.
34:20And so I try to, like,
34:22walk him through maybe the potential option
34:24of having a hairless cat.
34:26Right.
34:27And it was...
34:29It really created some tension.
34:31I mean, guys,
34:32this cat had more perks than anyone on this set.
34:36He was like,
34:36no, you have to see the performance of this cat.
34:39We can't really change.
34:40Oh, he wouldn't recast the cat.
34:42No, the cat was a star.
34:43And no one could, like,
34:45get in the way of that.
34:46By the way,
34:46anyone who saw the clip
34:48and then is hearing, like,
34:49it's a movie about a cat
34:52is like,
34:52this thing seems to be a real ride.
34:55Why?
34:55Imagine.
34:56Yeah.
34:57And cannibals.
35:00You wouldn't know
35:00there's cannibals in this story, too.
35:02But here we are.
35:02I mean, it was like,
35:03we couldn't find a clip
35:04that told you everything we need.
35:06But that's why you have to watch
35:07the movie this Friday.
35:09But you are not anti-animals.
35:12You grew up around a ton of animals.
35:13I love animals.
35:14In Mexico City.
35:14Yeah.
35:15My father was kind of a weird
35:18animal collector.
35:19And he...
35:20There's no normal animal collector.
35:23Yeah.
35:25That's definitely true.
35:27What did he collect?
35:28What kind of animals did you have?
35:29Well, we had, at one point,
35:32a tucan, a duck,
35:34a cageless hamster.
35:36This is an apartment
35:36in Mexico City, mind you.
35:38An apartment.
35:39Wait, is a cageless hamster, like,
35:41is that actually a kind of hamster?
35:42Or does it just mean
35:43you didn't have a cage?
35:44I just didn't have a cage for it.
35:46Yeah, yeah.
35:46That's such a funny...
35:47It's like something
35:48you tell a landlord.
35:49You're like,
35:49no, you don't understand.
35:50Yeah.
35:51It's a cageless hamster.
35:53He needs to have
35:54a room for himself.
35:55And, by the way,
35:56he decided to appetite
35:58my brother's, like, closet
36:00at the bottom of the closet.
36:01And he hated it.
36:02He was miserable.
36:03He's like,
36:03you're goddamn
36:06Oates is here again.
36:07And he's just so fat.
36:08Also, he was this big.
36:09Was the name Oates?
36:10Oates.
36:11Mr. Oates.
36:12Oates is a very good name
36:13for a cageless hamster.
36:15He was a cutie.
36:16But, yeah,
36:16there was a point
36:17where he was there
36:17and then the duck.
36:18And then my duck
36:19became really bonded
36:20to our lovely cleaning lady
36:22who's been with me
36:23since I was a child.
36:24And so there was a moment
36:25where, I don't know,
36:26I didn't know this,
36:27but maybe you did,
36:28that kind of ducks
36:29bond to one person.
36:31And so if she wasn't
36:32in her side,
36:33it was like a
36:33quack, quack, quack, quack,
36:34quack, quack, quack, quack,
36:36quack, quack, quack, quack,
36:38quack, quack, quack.
36:39And all day long.
36:42And then you call up
36:42the duck store
36:43and they're like,
36:44well, did you let her bond
36:45with someone who,
36:46well, you gotta know that.
36:47Yeah.
36:48You can't let her bond
36:49with someone who's not you.
36:51Yeah, because then
36:51there becomes a headache for you.
36:52I did not know that
36:53about ducks,
36:54but fortunately I didn't
36:55need to know it
36:56because I've, you know.
36:57Now you do.
36:57I've never had a duck
36:58in the house.
36:58Yeah, you should not.
37:00I wouldn't recommend it.
37:01My neighbors did not love us.
37:02By the way,
37:03everything I already assumed
37:04was it would be bad
37:05to have a pet duck.
37:07And now that you added
37:08another thing that's like,
37:09before you rush
37:10into a pet duck,
37:10it's like, I wasn't.
37:12Oh, no, no.
37:12We had everything.
37:13That's pretty awesome.
37:15Squirrels?
37:15Squirrels.
37:16A toucan that would walk
37:17me to the school and back.
37:19We were just a circus.
37:20So you grew up
37:21in an animated film.
37:22Yeah.
37:23I am the,
37:24I'm a real life
37:25Disney princess.
37:26Well, hold on.
37:27There's more to this
37:28than possible
37:28because you were,
37:29you were a Nickelodeon princess.
37:31I was.
37:32All right, so you were.
37:32Oh, God.
37:33All right, so this is a,
37:34this is not,
37:35this was,
37:35you were an actual
37:36pop star in Latin America.
37:38In another life, yes.
37:39In another life.
37:40But this is,
37:40you were Roxy Pop.
37:42There she is.
37:42This was a.
37:44And we,
37:46we talked on a podcast.
37:48This is an incredible story
37:49that you were
37:49a very successful
37:50touring pop star
37:51who then came to New York
37:54to be a theater student.
37:55So this is,
37:56you're late teens,
37:57you're in New York City,
37:57you're studying acting,
37:59and then like on weekends,
38:00it's like a real life
38:01Hannah Montana story.
38:02You would go
38:03and do massive touring.
38:05Yeah, it was really funny
38:06because,
38:07well, I started working
38:08when I was 12 years old.
38:09I was really young.
38:10I wanted to,
38:10I just really wanted
38:11to pursue singing
38:12and acting and.
38:13You probably wanted
38:14to get out of the house.
38:15The duck was in.
38:16That duck was driving me nuts.
38:19And so basically,
38:20I started pursuing my career
38:22and I started working
38:22really young,
38:23but I always dreamt
38:24of doing theater
38:25or moving to the U.S.
38:27And so I was very lucky
38:29and I got cast
38:30in a couple of shows
38:31growing up,
38:31but then I eventually
38:32booked Nickelodeon
38:33and I played Roxy Pop
38:35and she's,
38:35it's kind of a rip off
38:36of Hannah Montana, really.
38:38Shame on Nickelodeon.
38:40Sorry.
38:41I will never be hired by them.
38:42We're so glad
38:43you can finally admit it.
38:44But anyway,
38:45so I was cast as that
38:46and then I was touring
38:48on the weekends
38:48and then I had to do
38:49homeschool
38:50and I had to do all that
38:51and on the weekends
38:53when I eventually moved
38:55to New York
38:56and got into Strasburg,
38:58well, I had to pack
38:59my classes from Monday
39:00to Thursday
39:00and then on the weekends
39:01I would tour
39:02and then everyone
39:03would come back on Monday
39:03and be like,
39:04what do you guys do
39:04for the weekend?
39:05They're like,
39:05oh my God,
39:05I went to visit my family
39:06and I was like,
39:07well, I did three stadiums
39:08and then I came back.
39:09But also this is the era
39:11that there's no,
39:12you know,
39:13we didn't have internet
39:13so understanding
39:14that I was a pop star
39:15in a different country,
39:16this is like early 2000s.
39:18So everybody just thought
39:19you were insane.
39:19They were like,
39:20she's a little special.
39:22She's like,
39:22she said she did
39:24stadium tour this weekend.
39:25With a wig.
39:27She's been watching TV
39:28too much.
39:29Yeah,
39:30and so,
39:31yeah,
39:31I made it.
39:31I got in Strasburg
39:33at 18 years old.
39:33I applied
39:34and only five people
39:35got approved.
39:35Well,
39:36congratulations.
39:37We're very lucky
39:38to have you.
39:38Thanks so much
39:39for being here.
39:40It's been a delight
39:40to talk to you.
39:42And the Goddell's
39:43everybody,
39:43Mick and Mick
39:44and Mick and Alex
39:44for getting streaming
39:45on Hulu
39:46on March 27th.
39:56Come join the audience
39:57at Late Night
39:58live in Studio AG.
40:00For tickets,
40:00head over to
40:01LateNightSethTickets.com.
40:02Follow us
40:03at Late Night Seth
40:04on all social media platforms.
40:06Subscribe to Late Night Seth
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40:08Find us online
40:09at LateNightSeth.com.
40:11And subscribe
40:12to the Late Night Podcast
40:13featuring a closer look,
40:15guest interviews,
40:15and more.
40:16Available wherever
40:17you listen to podcasts.
40:26I want to thank my guest,
40:27Chelsea Handler,
40:28Aza Gonzalez.
40:29I want to thank my son,
40:30Axel,
40:30who's on spring break
40:31and watch the show
40:33without talking
40:33and interrupting.
40:34Thanks for watching,
40:35everybody.
40:35We love you.
40:37I love you.
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