- 7 hours ago
Bait S01E01-2 (2026)
Category
đź“ş
TVTranscript
00:06You
00:42I suppose the term safe house is no longer apt.
00:47Nothing you touch is ever safe, is it?
00:52I told you not to come after me.
00:54James, she knows everything I know.
01:00If you have terrible taste in hostages, Wentworth was the mole.
01:05Could have just as easily aimed a few centimeters higher.
01:10Then it wouldn't have mattered to you at all, would it?
01:14Just as long as you're pleasing your masters.
01:18Tell me, when it's just you, all alone, how do you live with yourself?
01:26Do you even know who you are?
01:38Loane?
01:39Sorry.
01:40Sorry.
01:43Sorry, Helen.
01:45It's all good.
01:46It's all good.
01:47It's just we're on a bit of a schedule.
01:50Yeah, that's why I was thinking.
01:50Quick reset back to once.
01:51I'll nail it this time.
01:52How are you blowing this audition?
01:54I know the speech.
01:56I know it.
01:57Yeah, you fucked it up every time at the exact same moment.
02:02What is this, a prank show, wearing a hidden camera?
02:04It's funny.
02:05No, I just have a very particular process.
02:07I've got my head around it now.
02:08I'm ready.
02:09Sorry, guys.
02:10You just said we had to...
02:10Yeah, well, just a minute.
02:11Sorry.
02:12How was your weekend?
02:13That's good, thanks.
02:13How was yours?
02:13Great.
02:14Yeah, what did you do?
02:15Just...
02:16Yeah, thanks.
02:16Thanks, Jim.
02:17This is my set...
02:19Stop it.
02:20Sorry.
02:21You know what?
02:22They didn't want to see you.
02:24I had to convince them.
02:25So this is on me.
02:26I've got a confession to make.
02:29I'm lightheaded from fasting.
02:31It's the holy muslim month.
02:34It's called Ramadan.
02:37It involves no eating and drinking in the day.
02:40I'm lightheaded from...
02:41If I can have a bit of a cultural understanding.
02:43Well, I've just seen you drink apple juice.
02:45Six takes in a row.
02:47I tried.
02:48Just a shame you didn't.
02:52Thanks so much for coming in, Sharon.
02:54We'll be in touch.
03:04You want to know what it's like doing the dirty work?
03:07Fighting everybody and being nobody.
03:13I don't live with myself.
03:14I live with whoever you need me to be.
03:18The blood on my hands is mine.
03:20Because I kill a part of myself every day
03:24if I don't know who I am.
03:26Because you don't want to.
03:31You knew it.
03:33You knew it.
03:35What's wrong with you?
03:38Do you know who you are?
03:39I'll tell you who you are.
03:41You're a fucking failure.
03:43Who just shat on your last chance
03:45of being somebody.
03:47You should be ashamed of yourself.
03:49You are ashamed of yourself.
03:50Because you're ashamed of your family.
03:52You're fucking nobody.
03:53You're nothing.
03:53You're just a fucking...
03:54Dumb fucking baggy.
04:05Um...
04:07Come in.
04:10Um...
04:11I, uh...
04:13Forgot to grab your mic.
04:16Joe!
04:25I...
04:27I...
04:30I...
04:57Just so you know, there's a photographer
04:59camped out front, so I'm going to take you down the side.
05:02Oh, yeah, yeah.
05:03The press gets a pic of anyone who's auditioned,
05:05and the whole Bond rumour mill goes crazy.
05:10Sorry, you know what?
05:11I just realised I left my charger in the dressing room.
05:14Oh, I'm happy to come with.
05:14I'll go and grab it. Another way.
05:16Are you sure?
05:16Thank you, though. Thanks a lot.
05:17OK.
05:31You all right?
05:39Oh, my God.
06:15Hey!
06:16Hey!
06:16Dude!
06:17What?
06:18I know you.
06:18Mate!
06:20I'm a huge fan!
06:21See, you're talented.
06:22No, no, no.
06:23Yes, you are.
06:24You're an exceptional actor, and I want you to know that.
06:26Thank you, man.
06:27Can I get a little video for my girlfriend, Heather?
06:29She's like obsessed with you, dude.
06:30Really?
06:30Yeah, yeah.
06:31Babe, check it out.
06:32Walking down the street.
06:33Guess who I've ever been to?
06:35Deb fucking Patel.
06:36What?
06:37Deb Patel, just walking down the street.
06:40Say something about Slumdog.
06:41She loves Slumdog.
06:46It was an amazing honour to be part of Slumdog Millionaire.
06:49It was a great film that people loved, that I loved.
06:52I loved that film.
06:53I mean, my family, my community, I mean, internationally.
06:56He's not Dave Patel.
06:59What?
06:59He's not Dave Patel.
07:02Look how short he is.
07:04Dave is tall, strong, handsome, our Gujarati hero.
07:09Hello, Shah Jahan Latif.
07:10Are you the Shah Jahan place?
07:12Who's Shah?
07:14Shah's a...
07:14Shah Latif, Shah.
07:16That's me.
07:20Can we go, please?
07:21No problem.
07:26As-salamu alaykum, Mr. Latif, Shah.
07:28I hope you are enjoying your Muba experience and that the temperature is of enjoyment for you.
07:34I asked for asylum ride on the app, so...
07:36Sir, just one thing.
07:37Where are you from?
07:39Because you are looking like the packy, but you are talking like the honky-tonky, right?
07:42I don't like the jahadi, but it's a sphincter.
07:46Sphincter?
07:46Wait, that's a bar?
07:47Of course I like that.
07:48You like sphincter, you just came to me like that.
07:49Thanks for picking me up, bro.
07:51Come on, man.
07:51I appreciate it.
07:52I wish my apology, please.
07:53You're awesome.
07:54I'm a shoulder.
07:54I'm a fucking love here.
07:55Oi, listen, did you bring the watch, yeah?
07:57Yeah, I couldn't find it.
07:58You couldn't find it or you didn't look?
07:59I did look.
08:00I'll be busy, okay?
08:01What do you always say?
08:01Bro, you're a dickhead.
08:04What the fuck is this doing here?
08:06I was going to tell you, didn't it?
08:07Basically, I need that for my cars, bro.
08:09There's no brown dolls for saying like that.
08:11It's weird.
08:11It's not a doll, bro.
08:12It's a limited edition collectible action figure of me from my film.
08:15You've got to ask me before you use my likeness.
08:18You need to chew your tits.
08:19First of all, this don't even look like you.
08:20And second of all, you've got a hundred of these many dildos lying around in the garage.
08:24It's not a dildo.
08:24It looks like a dildo to me.
08:25And I need it for my fleet anyway.
08:26Fleet?
08:27All right.
08:28Well, you and six guys, yeah?
08:29It's 26, actually.
08:31Fuck off.
08:32Yes.
08:32Things have been going very well.
08:34Got some serious investors interested.
08:38What?
08:38Say mashallah.
08:40Oh, mashallah.
08:40But if you're going to say it properly, mashallah, there you go.
08:43Does your investors know that nobody needs a Muslim Uber, bro?
08:47Uber in London is already Muslim.
08:48Right?
08:48Every next driver's named Abdi.
08:50Listen to me.
08:51We drive that thing, but we need to own our thing.
08:53And I want us to own this thing.
08:54Okay.
08:55Yeah?
08:55And if you're strapped for personal right now, I'll take you on as a driver.
08:58I don't mind.
08:59Don't need any money from you, bro.
09:01Yeah, I got stuff cooking.
09:01There's no why I heard.
09:02I got stuff cooking.
09:03What you got cooking?
09:04I can't tell you.
09:05Huh?
09:05This top secret.
09:06I signed an NDA.
09:06You ain't signed no NDA.
09:08I did non-disclosure agreement.
09:10I signed it.
09:10I understand what that means, but you ain't signed.
09:12Now, you ain't got shit, bro.
09:12You're misrepentending for mine.
09:13Yeah, no, we didn't, actually, because we're going to Mummy and Barbas.
09:16What?
09:16Yes.
09:17No.
09:17What do you mean, no?
09:18What?
09:18I mean, no.
09:19Yes, we are, bro.
09:20Okay?
09:21You have not checked in on your mum in time.
09:22She's going to be gassed to see you.
09:24Bro, I'm not in a mood.
09:25Yeah?
09:25Can you turn it around?
09:26Well, I don't care if you're in a mood or not.
09:27If you're getting free rides, you're going to make the stops.
09:31NDA.
09:47Come.
09:48Yeah, I'll come in a minute.
09:51Sometimes being here is enough, you know.
09:53Okay, just one minute.
09:55I'm coming.
10:00I'm coming.
10:02Okay, just one minute.
10:02Okay, I'm going to get a personal shopper with Harrods.
10:06Okay, I'm going to get a personal shopper with Harrods.
10:07Okay, I'm going to get a silver rally set tomorrow.
10:10No, no.
10:10Silver rally set?
10:11No, no.
10:12It will look good, right?
10:13Yes, yes.
10:14It is.
10:14It is.
10:14It is.
10:15Good morning, auntie.
10:18Look at you.
10:19All grown up.
10:20Such a strong boy.
10:22MashaAllah.
10:23It's coming.
10:24Bye.
10:25Bye.
10:27Let's see who is here.
10:27Let's see who is here.
10:28Who knows them?
10:29Come on.
10:30Come on.
10:31Come on.
10:31Come on.
10:32Come on.
10:34I've been two weeks.
10:35Two months, bro.
10:36Yes.
10:37How many weeks?
10:38I can't.
10:39I'm dying for this job.
10:40Black audition thing.
10:41You're dying.
10:42You're not keeping your rose.
10:43Oh, oh, oh, oh.
10:45Oh, oh, oh.
10:46Oh, oh, oh.
10:47Don't shoot fast all year.
10:48You know what's going on here?
10:50What's going on here?
10:50My mind is coming so many days.
10:53He bought a car in Dubai.
10:55He bought a car.
10:55He bought a house.
10:56He bought a botox.
10:58I thought it was Michael Jackson when I came in the house.
11:01Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
11:02Maybe so.
11:04Don't worry about it.
11:05Come on.
11:06I'm fine, sir.
11:07I've seen something in Google Alerts.
11:08I've seen something at some time, right?
11:11Yeah.
11:11There's stuff going on.
11:12I just don't want to talk about it.
11:15Don't talk about it, okay?
11:16Just tell me.
11:20Well, I'm...
11:23Just to do it.
11:24Just pray.
11:25Do it for you, Samir.
11:27Do it for you all the time.
11:28Do it.
11:29Okay.
11:30Just to do it.
11:31Baba, have you seen a brown leather case about this big?
11:33It's got my name written on it in gold.
11:34Where are you from?
11:35I don't see the TV.
11:36I don't see the TV.
11:37Yeah, I've got some stuff cooking.
11:39It takes time to make a film.
11:40Yeah.
11:40But you don't have time.
11:42You don't have time.
11:42There's a pop.
11:44There was one scene in one film.
11:46You've been pervert on his newsreader all day.
11:48I don't know.
11:50Baba.
11:51Why aren't you showing up to these doctor's appointments, huh?
11:53They're expensive.
11:54I booked them for you so we can find out what's wrong.
11:56All the money they give you, they'll take you.
11:59Hey, cousin.
12:00Oh, shit.
12:01What are you saying?
12:02No, man.
12:03Oh, bless.
12:04What's this?
12:05What's what?
12:05You've been getting to take out your tags.
12:07Oh.
12:07Rah!
12:08Is that you, yeah?
12:10Baba, see how your boy's spending?
12:12Give me that.
12:13Why are you at home?
12:14Quit my job, man.
12:15Manager was a dickhead.
12:16Hey, I wasn't able to review my body charge me.
12:19He was a weirdo.
12:20If you need work experience, I could sort you from Felicia.
12:22No, no, no.
12:23Listen.
12:23If you really want to help me, take me to Taser's show tonight.
12:25Is he playing tonight?
12:27Yeah, why?
12:29I told you it can't work for me.
12:30Brother, I already sent you my counter offer.
12:32Fifty percent of my business.
12:33Yes, but do you believe in gender equality or nah?
12:36No, not really.
12:39Oh, my God.
12:41Sharpie, are you going to be the next James Bond?
12:44What?
12:46What?
12:47What's up?
12:47Wait, wait, wait.
12:48It might be cut.
12:48Can I have a look at that?
12:50Oh, shit.
12:51No, no, no, no.
12:51It's legit.
12:52What the fuck?
12:53Oh, my God.
12:54This is crazy.
12:55This is crazy, bro.
12:56Wait, wait, wait.
12:57Chill, man.
12:58Check the website.
12:59It's BBC we contracted.
13:00Greg Daniel, what's up?
13:01Why didn't you tell me?
13:03It's just an audition.
13:05It's just an audition.
13:05Man, man.
13:05It's 59.
13:07Listen.
13:08It's an audition.
13:08It's a photo from today's audition.
13:09That's all it is.
13:10What's up?
13:11What's up?
13:11James Bond is white.
13:13Why are you doing this?
13:14Why are you doing this?
13:14Why are you doing this?
13:15I'm doing this.
13:17Do you know how much sex James Bond does?
13:19Why are you doing this?
13:20Why are you doing this?
13:23Why are you doing this?
13:24Why are you doing this?
13:25I'm actually doing this.
13:25You're doing this.
13:27Listen, Baba, it's okay to be a little bit excited.
13:29It's nice even just to have the opportunity.
13:31It's a big deal, you know, Brown James Bond.
13:33You should be proud.
13:34It's going to be mad.
13:35This guy's face is going to be fucking blasted everywhere.
13:37Imagine it.
13:38Daniel Kri got paid 20 M's for the last movie.
13:41My Shaju will get 21.
13:43Just calm down.
13:44It's just an audition, yeah?
13:45Call me if you need a body double for sex scenes.
13:47Stop.
13:48Stop.
13:49Can you tell her to call me soon?
13:50She comes back in.
13:52Yes, she comes back in.
13:52Yes, she comes back in.
13:54Why?
13:54Give me a phone.
13:55I don't know if this is a good thing or a bad thing.
13:57I'm just going to sort this out and work it out.
14:01Look at me.
14:02I'm proud of you.
14:04Yeah?
14:06Fucking James Bond, my guy.
14:07Come on.
14:08Let's see what happens.
14:08Of course, inshallah.
14:09But do they know about the height?
14:11What do you mean?
14:13They're going to give you special shoes like James Bond's big, isn't it?
14:19I'm just saying it for you.
14:21For you.
14:25Hey, Felicia, can you call me back, please?
14:27I'm just wondering if the audition news league thing has helped me or, you know, fucked me.
14:46I'm just fixing it.
15:00I am very happy.
15:04Yeah?
15:06Yeah?
15:06Where have you been?
15:07Painting my nails on a fucking sun bed.
15:09What the fuck do you think?
15:10Listen, did you call the pap?
15:12I'm not that clever. What are they saying? Are they pissed?
15:16Well, they are very surprised about how much you're trending.
15:21And because of the reaction, they might give you a second chance to audition.
15:25Fuck! Yes! Oh!
15:28You plus a female director is doing very well for the 18 to 34s, and you know that demographic gets
15:32them wet.
15:33Oh, my God.
15:34So, listen. Sit tight and let this play out.
15:37Oh, my God.
15:39Thank you. That is amazing. That's really, really cool.
15:42God bless the internet, eh?
15:44Yeah. So, just one thing. We can't just see how this plays out.
15:48We've got to do everything we can to get me back in there.
15:51Sure. I just told you. It's good. You're trending.
15:54Look, I'm just thinking, initially, all that old music, just the really political bits.
15:59What do you think?
16:01As your agent, let me deal with that stuff. You just need to act.
16:05Listen. There's videos of me online fucking pissing on a British flag.
16:09It's already out there. All you can do is own it.
16:12That makes you the edgy POC candidate.
16:14Yes. Fresh blood. So, new fans for the great old institution.
16:17Listen. Don't find the thing that got you here, you know.
16:19Huh. Okay. Okay. So, what are you saying? Maybe I should lean into it?
16:24Or... Because Taze and them lot are doing a show tonight.
16:27I could maybe do a little thing there.
16:29There's nothing to lean into. You just are.
16:31Listen. Just don't do anything and stay home.
16:34Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Done.
16:52Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
17:03yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
17:05yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
17:05yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
17:05yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
17:05yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
17:13oh shit hey what are you doing here me what are you what are you doing here
17:20we all everywhere today pretty cool in it
17:42look who's back from me see
17:45bro bro bro bro brixhaw what's up bro this shit blew up huh yeah it's working
17:50you killed it man what are you saying I mean yes what are you doing here bro
17:54oh you're meant to be protecting Gotham City right now what no that's not Gotham
17:58bro don't you know to the new backhand it's not bad man it's James Bond hey bro be easy
18:03with the hollywood big man shit but it's just the audition you know what we need to take pictures
18:07for that girl safe man all right it's good to see you i'm just thinking what forget it forget it
18:15it's cool man no i'm just go on i just had a mad thought like wouldn't it be sick if
18:20i um
18:22i warmed up for you a lot tonight because i think the crowd would love it be like a reunion
18:26be like
18:26old times bro man like how dare you bro you know nothing you just you come back you act like
18:31you
18:32fucking own this place walking through here all like look at me look at me brother i didn't i
18:37didn't mean it like that i didn't mean it i can't knock the hustle man yo maybe uh yeah i
18:48was thinking
18:48maybe i could come through the crowd like um you know like the old days well i'll meet you on
18:52stage
18:52with a mic shaman uh there's like a lot of hate coming at you on the internet right now just
18:57don't
18:57pay attention to it all right it's all bullshit london are you ready for a case
19:09you
19:10you
19:13Oh, shit.
19:21Oh, shit.
19:22Oh, shit.
19:25Oh, shit.
19:28Oh, shit.
19:29Oh, shit.
19:29Oh, shit.
19:30Oh, shit.
19:33Oh, shit.
19:34Yes, yes, well done.
19:36Special guest MC in the buildings.
19:39MC.
19:39Red shot.
19:40Red shot.
19:41Red shot.
19:44Red shot.
19:52Red shot.
19:54Red shot.
19:57Red shot.
20:07Red shot.
20:09Red shot.
20:11Red shot.
20:12Red shot.
20:12Red shot.
20:13I am so grateful for my mother.
20:19You must do it all.
20:21God bless you.
20:45Arse, salami, fuck, fuck, fuck, yeah, 007.
21:05Shah Latif, welcome to Sir Chattrick Stewart's with me, Sir Patrick Stewart's.
21:12It's an honour to be here.
21:13The honour is all mine.
21:15I've hosted many fine actors on my little podcast,
21:18but few who have had such an eventful 24 hours.
21:22It's been a wild ride already, that's for sure.
21:24Now, I know a Bond or two, Daniel Craig's a dear friend, big shoes to fill.
21:30Do you think you're up to the job?
21:33Yes.
21:35Yes, I do.
21:37Now, more than ever, I'm ready to show the world that I've got what it takes.
21:42Yeah, Nigel Murray, how are you?
21:43Vanguard.
21:44Good, yeah.
21:45At least she tells me you do security for all the top wankers.
21:48Yeah, that's right, yeah.
21:50I'm always happy to take on a few up-and-coming wankers as well.
21:54Do you do personal?
21:55Because I might have an event tonight.
21:57Yeah, I might do the full service.
21:58Even got a food taster if you need one.
22:00Tell you what, let's have a look in the house and we can talk about that afterwards.
22:03Yeah.
22:03So, uh, house is two points of entry.
22:05Hostile object into the front bay window.
22:08Those and the doors may need reinforcing.
22:09And I was thinking maybe some, uh, visual deterrence along the perimeter if you have the bodies.
22:13So, uh, 60 friendlies expected tomorrow.
22:15Oh, you really know your stuff?
22:17Well, I played the, um, translator in Homeland Season 7.
22:21Yes.
22:21Yes, yes, you did.
22:22They got a lot of shit wrong on that show.
22:24Come on.
22:24Okay.
22:25All right.
22:26So, your, uh, your guests are for E.D. Al-Fetir, I presume.
22:28Yeah?
22:28Yeah.
22:29Okay.
22:30Yeah, just want to make sure everyone feels safe.
22:32Yeah, of course.
22:32Sure.
22:33Fuck!
22:33It might make more sense for you to start off upstairs.
22:37I know it's harder to defend a position at a higher altitude, isn't it?
22:39Yeah.
22:40Okay.
22:40Well, I'll take my shoes off and go upstairs.
22:42Yeah.
22:42Do you agree you can't really act this role?
22:45Part of you has to be it.
22:47Absolutely.
22:49Absolutely.
22:50Yeah.
22:51Yeah.
22:52Luckily, I'm already very experienced at navigating attacks of various kinds.
22:56Whether in the public eye or on the home front, as it were.
23:01Yep.
23:01You just got in here.
23:02Oh, Mandarin Oriental.
23:03Sorted.
23:03Thank you for stopping it out, Felicia.
23:04I'll speak to you later about the collar.
23:06All right?
23:06Bye.
23:07What are you showing me right now?
23:08It's a hotel.
23:08Okay?
23:09They do free stays for celebs.
23:10Like Michelle Yeoh, Diggity, fucking Northwest Nanny.
23:14And?
23:15Bro, your followers are blowing up.
23:16Okay?
23:16It's a five-star safe house.
23:18All of us, one week.
23:19It's free.
23:20Obviously, minus my costs.
23:21But, yeah?
23:23Look, we're not going to a hotel.
23:24I'm dealing with it.
23:25I'm not going to get anything happen to you.
23:27You don't need to be afraid.
23:28I'm not afraid.
23:29Talking about, man.
23:40What the fuck's all this?
23:41What does it look like?
23:42Security?
23:42Because I told you that I had security sorted, so...
23:45Chill your pom-pom out.
23:46Learn from that, man.
23:47It's not a fucking movie, yeah?
23:48Is it?
23:49What are you going to ask?
23:49Where you got this from?
23:50All this?
23:52Allah provides, bro.
23:54Does he?
23:54Yes.
23:55Does he provide discount rate mujahideen as well?
23:57I know these guys, bro.
23:57They're too thick to make it into ISIS.
23:59Which ISIS?
24:00ISIS-K.
24:00ISIS-L.
24:01OG ISIS.
24:02They've got different standards.
24:04I've heard.
24:08They don't need PhDs, do they?
24:10Their heart is fucking committed.
24:11Takbir.
24:12I'm not trying to start a madrasa, yeah?
24:14I'm just trying to bring in some real, actual protection.
24:16If you could just listen to me for once.
24:18If I want your fucking protection, I'll ask for your extra small condoms.
24:22You like that one, don't they?
24:23Tiny Lully, yeah?
24:24Stop pressing me, cuz.
24:25I'll go and chat to Abba.
24:26We have to discuss this.
24:27Doing my butt day and everything.
24:30Baba?
24:32What are you doing?
24:33Any fucking bag of one could just forget.
24:35That's because you've taken off the back door.
24:37That's why I've hired a professional.
24:38I'm not doubting that.
24:40If you let me do it, then it would be better for everyone.
24:43Sean Conley to the rescue, is it?
24:45How do you understand?
24:47Sean Conley, please go and help me take this to the car.
24:51Let's go.
24:5360 people is a lot for Reed.
24:54Your mommy needs my help.
24:58Look at you, buddy.
25:00What are you doing?
25:02Chill, mommy.
25:03Bastard, you chill.
25:04For 20 fucking years, she's been trying to steal Eid.
25:07Already bringing her country's swelling, kebabs.
25:09I like kebabs.
25:10You're welcome.
25:11You're welcome.
25:12Naila, are you two days?
25:15Eid's a joint effort.
25:16I'm just doing my part.
25:17You have done already so much.
25:19Shaju, take the pots inside.
25:21Why are you giving Naila and D more work?
25:22It's nothing, Daira.
25:23I was telling Shaju.
25:25I could be doing so much more.
25:27But after the night, sadly, it's no longer safe here.
25:30Why not move into my house?
25:32Who's not safe?
25:34Everybody stop.
25:35Can you stop, D, Baba?
25:36Baba, can you just come here, please?
25:37Can you stop the work, everyone?
25:38Right, let's have a little chat about Eid and the plan.
25:40What's your plan, yeah?
25:41What?
25:42Outsourcing our protection.
25:43There is Freemace a nonce.
25:44I'm not a nonce.
25:45Should have gone to the hotel.
25:46Nigel's here to help secure the house.
25:48The house won't be ready.
25:49Nothing is ready.
25:50House won't be ready.
25:51Food won't be ready.
25:51Naila, Naila, please, Shaju.
25:53Sorry, guys.
25:54The Prophet, please be upon him.
25:55So long.
25:56Exactly, exactly.
25:57He said it best when he said,
25:59trust in Allah,
26:01but tie up your camel.
26:04Micah, he knows his stuff.
26:06You gotta hand it to him.
26:06I just want to say that holy days like this
26:08are an absolute lightning rod for bad actors,
26:10so perhaps you should think about moving
26:11your Eid celebrations to a different location.
26:13Hey, Bencho, stop.
26:14One layover in Dubai thinks he knows our business.
26:16I've got tremendous respect for Islamic culture,
26:18especially after six tours of Afghanistan.
26:23So...
26:23He's not my brother.
26:52He's my cousin.
26:52He's my cousin, but he was raised with us.
26:54Okay.
26:54It's complicated.
26:55All right.
26:55Well, look, this is for you, as you quote,
26:59although I would be willing to postpone payment,
27:03you know, in consideration of future work,
27:06because if my internet searches are correct,
27:08then you will be needing our services
27:09a lot more in the future.
27:10Oh, well, let's see what happens.
27:13It's really reasonable.
27:14Could you just leave it with me?
27:14I'm getting a few different quotes in.
27:16That's fine.
27:16Okay.
27:17Oh, so did you want me to provide a personal for tonight?
27:20I can send one of my best guys.
27:21What do you do?
27:22You asked me to do security, no?
27:23But tonight, I did.
27:25Him?
27:25Yeah, so I won't be needing it.
27:27Thank you for coming by.
27:28Yeah, no, absolute pleasure.
27:30Yeah.
27:31Well, oh, by the way,
27:32they stole the dashcams.
27:33The battery life is...
27:34So, bring a charger.
27:36All right.
27:36You can have that for free.
27:38Cheers, Nigel.
27:39Why are you wasting your money on these render fits, bro?
27:42I've had your back since day.
27:44Oh.
27:46Oh.
27:53Do you go into this gala tonight?
27:56On your own, or...?
27:59I've got a plus one.
28:01Is it?
28:04You haven't got any shoes on trainers.
28:07Can I range it?
28:09Oh, get rid of you, fucker.
28:32Wait, that is a proper go-fuck out of there.
28:34It's a good job I came to babysit you.
28:36Ah, bro, you might be taking care of the muscle,
28:38but I'm winning over the hearts and minds, yeah?
28:41But when you're in the middle of a culture board,
28:42that's the real battleground.
28:43Big man, how are you going to fucking battle them
28:45with your horny make-up face?
28:46What?
28:47You know the face that you do
28:48when you're on the red carpet.
28:49It looks like you're trying to shag that camera,
28:51but you're worried the camera's going to shag you back.
28:52No, I'm not.
28:52Don't put that in my head right now.
28:53You're going to put me off.
28:55Okay.
28:56For confirmation, because...
28:57What is that?
28:57Yeah?
28:58What, man?
28:58I look good there.
28:59You look like you're making a pervy version
29:00of fucking planet Earth.
29:01All right, let me just eat something.
29:04Raj Taka?
29:05Motherfucker!
29:06All right, all right.
29:07Don't jizz on my level of seats.
29:08You can't afford to clean your feet.
29:09Okay, listen.
29:09Let's just go there and smash it, all right?
29:11Brother, we are already fucking smashing it, okay?
29:13We are arriving in the Muba Prime experience.
29:15Look at this.
29:16Halal Harry Bowls.
29:17Custom-specifically branded Zamzam water.
29:19Your little mini dildo on the dashboard.
29:21Kaz, look at me.
29:22We are arriving like this.
29:23This is fast and furious,
29:24but without the four skins.
29:25You understand?
29:26Come on, let's get it, Kaz, yes?
29:27Yeah, you ready?
29:28Yes, bro.
29:31Come on, don't do that on the red carpet.
29:33I can't guarantee it.
29:46There's a lot of excitement,
29:47but also some displeasure
29:50at the idea of a Gujarati playing Bond.
29:53Proving those voices wrong
29:54has been my life's mission.
29:56How so?
29:57Well, it's why I want the role.
29:59It's why I'm here speaking to you.
30:01Is that why you wanted to make a speech
30:03at the King's Museum Gala?
30:05Exactly.
30:06To show people that this is what a hero can look like.
30:09To show them that this, too,
30:10is what British looks like.
30:16Hey, yo, listen, I support the team.
30:19I support the team,
30:19but when you finish tonight,
30:20please get home with movers, okay?
30:22That's for you.
30:23Sorry, there's no service in your area.
30:25I'm Turkish.
30:26You're Turkish?
30:26Then there's service in your area.
30:28Excuse me, sister.
30:29No!
30:30Stop!
30:32MC Rickshaw made!
30:35Can I get a pic?
30:37You want a pic?
30:37I'll kill you next week.
30:38Hey, yo, guys!
30:39Guys!
30:40Come and get a picture
30:40with your one and only fan.
30:41Come on.
30:42Oi!
30:43Bro, you're ignoring me.
30:44Bro, we've got to go, man.
30:45Why are you going in there?
30:47Man, slow down!
30:49You should be out here with us.
30:51Hey, yo, yo, yo.
30:52Let's wear the photo with you.
30:53What's the problem?
30:54Bro, if I get a photo to take
30:55with them lot,
30:55it's not the right image
30:57I'm going for right now, all right?
30:58The real change happens in there.
30:59We've got to get in there.
31:02Listen, I know you think
31:03you're His Majesty's Secret Service
31:05or something, eh?
31:05But don't go full coconut pussy
31:07all around you tonight.
31:07Oh, yeah?
31:08Then don't go into father
31:09fuckboy on me, then.
31:10You want to respect my guy?
31:12Keep it real, yeah?
31:12Okay, why don't you respect this?
31:14Watch and learn.
31:18You're doing it again?
31:18I'm not doing the face.
31:19You're doing the face again.
31:21All right, let me show you.
31:23Nah, you know what that is?
31:25You're like a pedophile journal, bro.
31:27There's cameras.
31:27Why would you say pedophile
31:28and I don't have a camera?
31:28Because they don't have a sound.
31:29It's a photo.
31:29Mr. Lateef.
31:30Hi.
31:31So happy to be here.
31:32Really, I'm so glad to be here.
31:34This is my associate,
31:35Magra Machika Lern.
31:36Can I ask who I might speak to
31:39about my speech this evening?
31:40Oh, we don't have you
31:41done us doing a speech.
31:42Oh, I think it's because
31:43I'm a last-minute addition.
31:46Well, you live in Newhouse, I suppose?
31:48Yeah.
31:49She's our new director.
31:50Okay.
31:51Oh, I'm guessing
31:52I have a plus one.
31:54Mr. Soufrakhan Ali,
31:56CEO of Move Enterprises.
31:57I just think it should be
31:58like an official record
31:58that I'm here tonight,
31:59so thank you.
32:02Cuz, where the fuck
32:03have you bought us, man?
32:04This looks like the Jarls Bullsack.
32:07You're from humble beginnings
32:08like me.
32:09So, how's your family
32:11dealing with all this?
32:12The same way
32:13we deal with everything.
32:14It's a team, together.
32:15Now, I'm proud to say
32:17that we've all got
32:18each other's backs.
32:20Bro, this is mad.
32:21Yeah, I told you, bro.
32:22I've got stuff cooking.
32:23As-salamu alaykum.
32:24As-salamu alaykum.
32:25Sorry.
32:28All right.
32:30We've got to find
32:31this Vivian, yeah?
32:32Yeah?
32:33No point in me being here
32:34if I can't get on stage.
32:35There she is.
32:35Museum director, yeah?
32:36My God.
32:38What the fuck are you, bro?
32:39Some evil, bro.
32:40Look at this.
32:41All right, listen.
32:42I'm going to work on it.
32:43Hey, yo, yo.
32:43Should we take team her?
32:44What?
32:45We're not like that.
32:46I mean, like,
32:47convince her together, like,
32:48good packing, bad packing.
32:50What would that be like?
32:52Like, good cop, bad cop.
32:53But, good packing.
32:55I've got this one covered, yeah?
32:57You sure, yeah?
32:57Yeah, yeah, yeah.
32:58In a bit.
32:59I'll be here.
33:01Sing, let me tell you about this.
33:03If you said any more money,
33:04so we're going to think I'm going to talk complex.
33:07He didn't get it.
33:08Oh, you didn't.
33:08You're uncomfortable.
33:11I'm Vivian.
33:12Char Latif.
33:13Oh, yes, of course, Mr. Latif.
33:15I wonder if I could borrow you for a moment.
33:17Oh, absolutely.
33:18Although anything borrowed
33:19has to be given back now, apparently.
33:21What can I do for you, Mr. Latif?
33:22I was actually wondering
33:23what I might be able to do for you.
33:25There's nobody like Muslims
33:26that can get you to where you need to be on time.
33:28Brother, we are on time for prayers
33:29five times a day.
33:30If you call me,
33:32Zulfi, can you get me to where I need to go?
33:34I'll get you there.
33:35This museum means a great deal to me,
33:36and I saw you had a number of protesters outside.
33:39Yes, and it thrills me
33:40to see young people engaging
33:41in a conversation
33:43about our shared heritage and culture.
33:45In fact, we invite this kind of dialogue.
33:47Is it a dialogue, though,
33:48if you don't have an ambassador of sorts
33:50to help bridge the divide
33:51between those on the inside
33:52and those out there?
33:53Who's your name?
33:54Ali Reza.
33:55Ali Reza.
33:55I'm feeling the Iran.
33:57Yes.
33:57Yeah, a bit of Farsi,
33:58my guy, come on.
33:59So we could be in that region.
34:01I, for one,
34:01would be honoured
34:02to get up there
34:03and say a few words
34:04about how global Britain truly is,
34:07both its artefacts
34:08and its people.
34:09You know, I'm an ape, then, Dian.
34:10I did not.
34:11Wow.
34:12What about yourself?
34:13Where are you from?
34:13London.
34:14You're from London?
34:15You sound...
34:17originally from London?
34:19But I understand
34:19your latest acquisition
34:20is from a Muslim country.
34:22Yes,
34:22but treasures
34:23like the one we're unveiling tonight
34:24don't just belong to Islam.
34:25They belong to us all.
34:27So I can go up
34:28and say a few words?
34:29I'll be very brief.
34:30No,
34:31Miss Lateef.
34:32That's simply not
34:32how we do things around here.
34:34This isn't a pop-up Banksy exhibit.
34:35Besides,
34:36we already have our dear friend
34:37Raj Thakkar
34:37giving a speech.
34:38Enjoy your evening.
34:41And so I say to him,
34:42Your Majesty.
34:47And now,
34:48to the more uncomfortable
34:49part of our chat.
34:51You didn't think
34:52this was going to be
34:53all softballs,
34:54did you?
34:55Raj Thakkar,
34:56your rival?
34:57I wouldn't call him that.
34:59Come on,
35:00come on,
35:00you can be honest.
35:01I can't be in the same room
35:03as Ian Magneto McKellen.
35:05Oh,
35:05sorry,
35:06Sir,
35:06Ian Magneto McKellen.
35:08I just think
35:09that there's plenty of room
35:10for all of us at the top.
35:12Oh,
35:12please.
35:13A day ago,
35:14you were the only brown bloke
35:15up for the job.
35:16And now,
35:17there are two.
35:18And word on the web is
35:19he'd make
35:20a better Bond.
35:21Yeah,
35:21well,
35:21I don't really pay attention
35:22to what people say about me.
35:23It's just not in my nature.
35:25You should,
35:25old chap.
35:26He's a bigger name
35:27with a bigger fan base.
35:29And I dare say
35:30he's thought of
35:31as a better actor.
35:32That's subjective.
35:34Cut the camel shit,
35:35Latif.
35:36You couldn't even convince
35:38that museum director
35:39to let you speak.
35:40How do you expect
35:41to convince the world
35:42that you
35:43can be Bond?
35:44You don't stand
35:45a chance
35:46in a whore's pyjamas,
35:48do you,
35:48you pussyhole?
35:50He's the good addition,
35:51you push-gun!
35:55No use being angry
35:57with me.
35:58You only have
35:59yourself to blame.
36:00I'm trying.
36:01Try harder.
36:03Do you understand?
36:07Here he is.
36:08Hey!
36:09Hey, Charlotte.
36:10Man, I haven't seen you
36:11in a minute, bro.
36:12How's it going?
36:12Yeah, when was the last
36:13time I saw you?
36:15Mango Tree premiere.
36:16Yeah, yeah, yeah.
36:17Thank you for coming.
36:17Man, you were so good in that.
36:19Do you guys see that?
36:20Under the mango tree.
36:22So it's about
36:22this magical mango tree.
36:24This white woman
36:24eats a mango.
36:25She travels back in time
36:26to colonial India,
36:27falls in love
36:28with this Indian guy
36:29and they have this relationship
36:30over space and time.
36:31It's about her.
36:32Love's timeless
36:33and crosses all sorts
36:34of boundaries.
36:36I don't know why
36:36I didn't connect more.
36:37Actually, can I?
36:38Where are you from?
36:39Yeah, yeah.
36:39Just for it.
36:40Yeah, thanks a lot.
36:42You look incredible,
36:42by the way.
36:43And very, very smart
36:44getting photographed
36:45in the tugs
36:45and holding that drink.
36:46It's just here
36:47to support one of our nation's
36:49most important
36:49cultural institutions.
36:53Just one thing's got
36:54people going mental,
36:55hasn't it?
36:56Yeah, people are
36:56passionate, man.
36:57It's just that the hate,
36:59though, the hate,
37:00it's a lot, right?
37:01I know you're probably
37:02probably getting
37:03a lot of that, too.
37:04Not really.
37:06Nothing to cry about.
37:08You've just got
37:08to stay grateful.
37:09People are busting
37:10their asses at dead-end jobs
37:11just to put food
37:13on the table.
37:13We live in the dream.
37:14Yeah, yeah.
37:15And we are.
37:15Yeah, hate's a small
37:16price to pay.
37:17It is.
37:17It's just some
37:18psycho sent a pig's head
37:20to my mum's house.
37:22Are you serious?
37:23Yeah.
37:23Fucking hell.
37:24That's actually why I'm here.
37:26I want to show them
37:27that no amount of hate
37:29is going to make me hide.
37:30And actually,
37:31if this museum
37:32can house treasures
37:33from all around the world,
37:34then this country
37:34has to take in people
37:36from all around the world.
37:36Am I right?
37:37Yeah, preach.
37:38I just want to make a statement
37:40showing that this,
37:41this too,
37:42is what British looks like.
37:43I love the passion, man.
37:45I'm so glad you said that
37:46because I heard
37:46that you're speaking later
37:47and I was thinking
37:48maybe we could tag team it.
37:49Yeah, that's a great idea.
37:51Yeah.
37:52You've got something
37:52important to say.
37:53I want to be a part of that.
37:54Yeah.
37:54I'll tell you what,
37:55why don't I go up first
37:56and then I'll bring you up.
37:57I would love that.
37:58Thank you, my brother.
37:59I love that, man.
38:00Of course.
38:01I really appreciate it.
38:01There you are.
38:03Hey.
38:03I know you.
38:04Oh, this is my security guy.
38:05The Muba guy.
38:06Yeah, I overheard you
38:07chatting about it earlier.
38:08I love the concept.
38:09Thank you, brother.
38:09Yeah, yeah.
38:10Are you Muslim?
38:12Help me all.
38:12A little.
38:14Yeah.
38:14Have you got a card?
38:15I'll spread the word.
38:16Nice.
38:18Yeah.
38:19Okay.
38:19I gotta go.
38:20That's my mum.
38:21You brought your mum?
38:21Yeah, yeah, yeah.
38:23I wouldn't be here without her,
38:24so I shouldn't be here
38:25without her, you know?
38:26It's all thicker.
38:27That's me.
38:27That's me.
38:28Good to see you, man.
38:29Yeah, you too.
38:31Man.
38:33He's either the sweetest twat
38:35I've ever met
38:36or the thickest twat.
38:37You're a thick twat.
38:39What?
38:39Security guy.
38:42That's all I'm to.
38:43You literally told me
38:44to bring you here as security.
38:45Why are you getting cranky?
38:46Oh, you haven't broken fast, huh?
38:48No, I haven't.
38:49Of course I'm hungry, man.
38:49You're a can of pay.
38:50Champagne, halloumi.
38:51Just have a little can of pay, bro.
38:54Just have a little something to eat.
38:56Nothing here.
38:56It's halal.
38:57None of the little things,
38:58the big things, none of it.
38:58Have some halloumi.
38:59Halloumi.
39:00Halloumi's not Israeli.
39:01That's what they want you to think.
39:02It's an Arabic.
39:03Cheers.
39:04Prove it to me.
39:04Google it.
39:05You know I don't use Google.
39:10Too kind.
39:14Good evening.
39:15In 2001,
39:17we watched in horror
39:19as Taliban fanatics
39:21laid waste
39:22to a once great nation's
39:23cultural heritage.
39:25We wept
39:26as monuments to peace
39:28were turned to rubble.
39:30But tonight,
39:31we right this wrong.
39:33After a nine-year,
39:3515 million pound
39:36restoration project,
39:38it is my honor
39:39to present to you tonight
39:40the restored
39:42Buddha of Bamiyan.
39:57And now an extra special treat.
39:59It is with great enthusiasm
40:01that I invite
40:02tonight's guest speaker
40:03to the stage.
40:04The most gentleman
40:05in Vampire Hunter
40:06I've ever had the pleasure
40:07of meeting,
40:08Raj Dakar.
40:16It's an honor
40:17to be here,
40:17I mean.
40:19Wow.
40:21This museum
40:22is home to
40:24artifacts
40:24from around the globe.
40:26And so it should follow
40:27that England too
40:28is home to people
40:29from those same places.
40:31And tonight
40:32is a celebration,
40:32but I would like
40:33to speak with you all
40:34about my experiences
40:35as an Englishman
40:37and as a person
40:38of color.
40:40Recently,
40:41racist hate
40:44took the form
40:46of a severed pig's head
40:48delivered to my family's doorstep.
40:51It was horrific.
40:53There was blood everywhere.
40:55My mother was left traumatized.
40:57Mummy, I'm sorry.
40:59But no amount of hate
41:01will make me hide.
41:03Those driven by prejudice,
41:06they need to see us
41:08in these spaces.
41:11And because this too
41:13is what British
41:14looks like.
41:21Excuse me,
41:22Sir Latif.
41:22You have a situation?
41:24A man claiming to be
41:25your brother
41:25has been harassing
41:26and racially profiling
41:28museum guests.
41:29What?
41:33Oh, and
41:34Sir Latif wanted
41:35to say something too.
41:36I'm about to go on, man.
41:37Sir?
41:39Otherwise,
41:39we're going to have
41:39to escort him
41:40off the premises
41:40immediately.
41:42I don't know.
42:00So, let's talk about
42:01your big moment.
42:02The speech
42:03that never was.
42:05A silky bit of
42:06spycraft
42:07from Thacker.
42:07He's clearly
42:09made for the role.
42:10Not to mention
42:11he can get
42:12the bleeding lines
42:13out.
42:15Nine?
42:16I can do better.
42:17I can.
42:18Can you now?
42:19Let's see.
42:21I also had
42:22a pig's head
42:23said to myself.
42:28I, um...
42:29Nice one, dickhead.
42:31You're more
42:31frozen than me.
42:33But it's not
42:34your acting
42:35that's the problem,
42:36is it?
42:36It's who you are.
42:39You don't have
42:40the balls
42:41to be bombed.
42:43Hey, yo,
42:43cut.
42:44Come on,
42:44me,
42:44you're one and only
42:45fans.
42:45You turned your
42:46back on your
42:47own fans.
42:48Man,
42:49slow down!
42:49You turned
42:50your back
42:51on your own
42:51family.
42:52Get the fuck
42:53with me, bro.
42:55Face it.
42:56People like you
42:57are never the
42:58heroes of the
42:59story.
43:00You'll always
43:01just be
43:02a scared
43:03little
43:05packy.
43:09send him
43:10back where
43:10he came
43:11from!
43:17farm!
43:34portraits and
43:35portraits
43:36weren't
43:36overhearing
43:36and
43:36were
43:36outdoors
43:36during
43:36time.
43:36There was a
43:37time that
43:37he was
43:37telling him
43:41he found
43:41death
43:41eight
43:41violations
43:41even
43:41and
43:41Yeah?
43:46Okay?
43:47Yeah, are you?
43:48What were you doing?
43:50Nothing. What were you doing?
43:52Nothing, bro. It's 2am.
43:54Were you talking to someone or what?
43:56Oh, sorry, man. I was just running late.
43:59In a suit?
44:00Costume, innit?
44:02Oh, well, the moon's been sighted, so...
44:05Eve Mubarak, yeah.
44:08The night, you weirdo.
44:13Eve Mubarak, bitch!
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