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04:48in our house yeah it's more than doubled in price yeah this is the most irish i've ever felt that
04:54you are yeah i was reading this i'd never heard of this before that we were burning protestants
05:03fair enough i mean yeah we've been watching songs of praise going oh that's a good one
05:11you get a week out of that one now how'd you get the news about the oil prices ad you're
05:17medium wave radio your blackberry we have the internet brought in once a week in buckets
05:26yeah what else might go up in price everything everything everything has got to go up in price
05:31yay mortgage rates are going up aren't they mortgages are going to go up and uh as a millennial can
05:35i
05:36just say ha ha ha ha i just think with the mortgage is going up right it's just like because
05:41you know
05:41boomers are the ones with the mortgages right and if you are a boomer who's struggling to pay your
05:45mortgage just think if maybe you'd bought a few less houses and a few more posh copies you wouldn't
05:49be in this mess yeah well that's a millennial crowd can i say that we're always being criticized of
05:59being like the golden generation because we've earned more money from property than our kids let me tell
06:03you there is nothing golden about having your children live with you forever
06:14it does worry me i wonder if we're going to get to the point where the only way we'll keep
06:18warm we'll
06:19be having borges smothered in deep heat and you'll just pass pass lay-bys in norfolk and there'll be
06:27people rutting in puffin jackets but that happens anyway yeah yeah also people on ozempic and monjaro
06:35they got a lot of hate for a while and now food's so expensive who's laughing now we don't need
06:40it
06:42yeah but you can there's there's ways to like you know there's money-saving ideas to get it cheaper
06:46you know like to get petrol cheaper you just got to find that garage that does it cheaper than all
06:50the other ones haven't you you know i found this one it's 10p cheaper than anywhere else and it's
06:53in carlisle so i just drive there every time how has keir starmer stood up to donald trump
06:59like by not sending uh ships straight away and then offering to send ships but being told that the
07:06war is already won and then not even saying anything when being asked for more ships
07:13we have sent the ship anyway we have you have yeah but it was not it wasn't offensive it's defensive
07:17and it's the hms dragon why is it called a dragon dragons are not water-based animal i think i
07:24think
07:24it's a concession to the welch i think it's a kind of but the welsh isn't a dragon is it
07:28technically no
07:29no it's got a different name and it's got those big legs i don't think that's a dragon either
07:33what is it then i should have listened more on qi the other day
07:38we did a whole year's only like an hour on this this will never come up again
07:44that's fantastic we basically you're bringing second-hand panel show information
07:49i tell them about the news what did they say about it uncat's countdown
07:55when are we doing the prize task this is a class 45 destroyer isn't it and what the thing i
08:02don't
08:02yeah yeah yeah yeah if either me or dara knew that we'd look really suspicious
08:10yeah yeah notoriously they have certain weaknesses that semtex can be jammed into
08:15i think you should send him uh more ships but charge a 60 tariff for each one
08:22i think that's the by the way that's the system the chip the chip that's being sent isn't the one
08:29at the back it's the little white one at the front
08:36i think it's wonderful that he's just sent one battleship because even when you play the game
08:41battleships you have more than that i just love the idea of uh d4 hit right that's done then
08:51moving on before we move on a big shout out to people in cyprus because i was in cyprus last
08:55week because i got there faster than hms dragon
08:58i'd be there and come back like whenever i did a show over there but a big shout out to
09:02the woman
09:02who posted on twitter the day after is there going well thanks to dara breen who actually came unlike fake
09:06billy ocean so i don't know who fake billy ocean is but oh no you you are not welcome back
09:14in cyprus
09:15because you you chickened out of going to cyprus and fake billy ocean is somewhere london going
09:18sounded really dangerous you know and when the going gets tough
09:23fake billy ocean does not go to cyprus so you were there yes so you're our first line of defense
09:29i was
09:31yes briefly i was briefly i was in an advanced position in the current so it's like starmer
09:36basically said we're not sending you a warship we will send you dara o'brien
09:41take your mind off it moving on what's going on here this is my pornography it's a fully dressed
09:49man being kind to animals those two the two ugly alpacas in the background look like they're
09:55bitching about the fit one at the front he always gets he's always pushing the foot i think you'll
10:04find that's white alpacas being radicalized by someone he's disappointed he's like on hinge it
10:10said feisty redhead they're actually becoming increasingly rare in the uk lib dems
10:20what is a lib dem race do they face the same prejudice as bisexuals
10:27this is ed davy being no more mr nice guy he's saying vote lib den or i will slash this
10:31animal's
10:31throat wow wow wow wow i mean ed see how much that energized the crowd
10:42This is the known answers tough guy they want to see from Ed Davey these days.
10:46Do you mind if we go back...
10:47Great that thing's neck!
10:49Can we go back to talking about the Iran war to lighten the fucking mood?
10:55Many viewers are upset by any of the content in tonight's show.
10:58There will be a number at the bottom.
11:01Puckers loved alpacas, and then Ed came on the television
11:03and talked about alpacas dying. Why did he do that?
11:06Why did you talk about Ed about alpacas dying?
11:08Because sometimes they have to die.
11:10LAUGHTER
11:11They're a menace, they're on the street...
11:13Just for more votes!
11:15Why was he criticised this week, by the way? Why was David criticised?
11:18He's touching up an alpaca!
11:21Has he been told to ditch the clown act?
11:24He has, absolutely, yeah.
11:25I mean, it's a bit annoying, I've booked him for my daughter's birthday party.
11:30Bringing an alpaca with him, which is going to be a nightmare
11:34in the open kitchen.
11:35Him, at the end, just holding up a severed head of an alpaca.
11:38You know, all the children are crying and going,
11:40this is the new reality!
11:42He is the new victim!
11:43I mean, they said to ditch the clown act, but that's his whole thing,
11:46isn't it?
11:47Without that, he's got no personality.
11:49He's got the, you know, spirit of a mortgage advisor,
11:51trapped in the body of a sex tourist.
11:54LAUGHTER
11:56Yeah, I think it's really out of order, he's just a happy guy!
11:59Oh, look at that!
12:01That's an amazing photograph!
12:03It is!
12:04Honestly, let's just enjoy this, this not photoshopped,
12:08not fake, not AI-slopped, genuine shot of a political leader,
12:12and everything about it is perfect!
12:13He's living the exact life of everyone in an advert for incontinence patch.
12:18LAUGHTER
12:19Everything he does is like,
12:21I can still do it all, thanks to tenor!
12:23I can go bungee jumping, paddle boarding,
12:26and all wearing white trousers!
12:28And then Hugh comes in with the...
12:30Oh, look at that!
12:32What a lucky guess!
12:33Yes!
12:34Oh, no, all of the photographs are this,
12:35every photograph you have of Davey is this,
12:37like the, go on, pick up another one!
12:38There we go!
12:39LAUGHTER
12:40It's lovely!
12:42All of them come with loads of tiny texts about how,
12:45do not take money if you're also taking this, do it again.
12:48Counterindications conclude heart attack disease.
12:51It must be annoying to be a Lib Dem donor,
12:53being like, are you spending the money on campaign literature
12:56and focus groups?
12:57Oh, no, he's put springs on his arse and gone to Thorpe Park again.
13:00LAUGHTER
13:01Where's Ed as he zonked behind people?
13:04Where's Ed gone?
13:05He's in a giant inflatable ball.
13:06Waterblading through Legoland every day.
13:08LAUGHTER
13:09It's in some ways refreshing,
13:10rather than seeing somebody on a sex island,
13:13instead you're seeing somebody at Chessington.
13:16LAUGHTER
13:17It actually makes me genuinely feel so happy.
13:19I like him.
13:20And I like the fact that, yeah, you're right,
13:21Epstein would never have replied to an email from him.
13:23Like, he wouldn't have come to his everything.
13:25He'd be like, I don't want to be his friend.
13:27And that's a good sign of him, isn't it?
13:30APPLAUSE
13:30Yeah, they say,
13:31do you want to come to the island of grown-up fun?
13:33No way!
13:35LAUGHTER
13:37You don't want a massage, you want to go go-karting!
13:41LAUGHTER
13:41At the end of that round, the points go to Ed, Hugh and Sarah!
13:46CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
13:47Join us after the break for more Mock The Week.
13:58Now we play a game called You Think That's Bad.
14:01In a world where everything seems to be going wrong,
14:04there's a chance for a performance to compete,
14:05to outdo each other with tales of woe from their lives,
14:07and I decide whose is the worst.
14:09Anyone care to start us off?
14:12I wear the same pants as Peter Mandelson.
14:16LAUGHTER
14:17OK, that's one small clarification, right?
14:20It's an arresting image.
14:22You do need the same brand of pants.
14:24It's not like you don't alternate games.
14:25You're literally the same pants.
14:25I'm intrigued by the fact that you read...
14:27You've looked at the photos from the Epstein file
14:29and recognised the brand of pants and felt...
14:31Well, I don't say I'm wearing them now,
14:33but when I was sort of a teenager,
14:35I wore roughly the same sorts of pants.
14:37I had a slight pant disaster at one point as a teenager
14:40and I had all my pants stolen
14:43and I had to go and buy more pants.
14:45This was the day before I went back to school.
14:46And I ended up with like 11 pairs of white pants
14:49and one pair of yellow pants that my mum thought were normal,
14:52but on the front, they had a logo that said,
14:54Beware the Beast.
14:56LAUGHTER
14:58Why did you have all your pants stolen?
15:00I don't mean to sound like I'm victim-blaming.
15:02We've really derailed this guy.
15:03LAUGHTER
15:03I don't tell it now that you're famous.
15:05No, no, no.
15:06But when you were in school...
15:08Well, I look, so my dad was a vicar, right,
15:10so we lived in a...
15:11No, that's enough.
15:13LAUGHTER
15:13I'm in a warhead.
15:15That's all I needed to hear.
15:16That was very common.
15:18You think that's bad?
15:20LAUGHTER
15:23I don't have one nearly as bad as any of that.
15:26No, we think that's weird.
15:28LAUGHTER
15:30Years ago, I used to have the weirdest fetish ever.
15:32I used to steal a vicar's son's pants.
15:35LAUGHTER
15:36And I thought I got away with it too.
15:38LAUGHTER
15:39If you think that's bad,
15:40if your wife suggests you should introduce some toys into the bedroom,
15:43she didn't mean hungry hippos.
15:46LAUGHTER
15:47And they don't like to be called that,
15:48it's Alan and Graham from next door.
15:51LAUGHTER
15:54I asked them to come round in huge pants as well.
15:58LAUGHTER
15:58If you think that's bad, I just bought an apartment in Dubai.
16:03LAUGHTER
16:06If you think that's bad, my cloud got hacked and my nudes were so unsexy,
16:11they got Grok to get me dressed.
16:13LAUGHTER
16:14If you think that's bad, I just bought non-refundable tickets
16:17to take Timothee Chalamet to the ballet if he won an Oscar.
16:21LAUGHTER
16:21If you think that's bad, my children are so addicted to screens at the moment,
16:25the only way I can get them out for a walk is to lure them out the house with the
16:28router.
16:30LAUGHTER
16:34We can only...
16:35Yeah, we can only walk to a 50-metre extension.
16:3750-metre radius, yeah.
16:39An extension of some sort.
16:40LAUGHTER
16:41If you think that's bad, I've had so many kids,
16:43now the hospital named some stirrups in my honour.
16:47LAUGHTER
16:48Do you think that's bad?
16:49I had to tell my wife that our skybox is broken
16:52and I was unable to record last week's episode
16:55in order to stop her from watching the derogatory comments you lot made,
16:59about what was going on between me and a French exchange student.
17:03LAUGHTER
17:06APPLAUSE
17:06And the next round is called
17:15Running Out Of He-He-He-He-Heating Oil.
17:18LAUGHTER
17:21This game involves Sarah and Scott.
17:24If you could make your way to the performance area, please.
17:26This round is the stand-up challenge.
17:27I launch The Wheel Of News,
17:28and whoever chooses to stop,
17:29one of our performers will step forward
17:31and talk about that subject.
17:32The winner is whoever I think is the funniest.
17:34OK, here we go.
17:35Let's have our first topic, please.
17:38And the first topic is ambition.
17:40Who wants to come to that?
17:41Sarah.
17:43So, I've been thinking a lot recently about Paula Radcliffe,
17:46because it's 20 years ago this year.
17:50Paula Radcliffe, of course, an incredible athlete,
17:53exceptional woman.
17:5420 years ago, she was running the London Marathon
17:56and she...
17:58Yeah, you remember now.
18:00LAUGHTER
18:00She needed the toilet and she didn't want to lose the time
18:03that it would take to go and do it privately.
18:05And, you know, they're filming it.
18:07It's live television.
18:08And so she crouched down at the side of the road
18:11and she did it.
18:13Poo.
18:14And then, and this is the important bit,
18:16she then got up and she won the London Marathon.
18:20I know, and I'm obsessed with it.
18:22I'm obsessed with it because there is nothing I want that much.
18:27In terms of, like, your lives, like, your hopes and dreams,
18:30like, your ambitions, the things you'd like to achieve,
18:32is there anything where you think, yeah,
18:34I would do a shit outside in front of everyone
18:37in order to get it?
18:38Because I can't think of anything.
18:39I can't think of anything.
18:41You know, like, postcode lottery, no.
18:42Driving licence, no.
18:44I test myself with scenarios.
18:46So, I saw, like, imagine the other day,
18:47I was like, what if the Academy call me?
18:49And they're like, Sarah, this year at the Oscars,
18:51we will give you the best actor Oscar.
18:55You're not in anything.
18:56It's the male category.
18:59We will read out your name.
19:01All you have to do in the aisle as you're walking up to collect it.
19:05And I would say, no, no, thank you.
19:07Not under those circumstances.
19:09And then I imagine that they're calling me back.
19:11You know, they're trying to persuade me.
19:12They're like, oh, Sarah, no, you wouldn't have to crouch down
19:14and do it in an embarrassing way.
19:16You know, you could just do it like a horse.
19:21Yeah, so that's not even slow down.
19:23You still have it drop out of your dress on the way up there.
19:27And I would still say, no, no, thank you.
19:29I don't know if my lack of ambition is holding back my career.
19:33LAUGHTER
19:34My husband wants very different things to me.
19:37My husband, he would like a threesome.
19:39That's his ambition.
19:41LAUGHTER
19:41The other day he was like, oh, he's Australian.
19:45LAUGHTER
19:47You might want to be sexy
19:49if we could get some other people involved in the bedroom.
19:52And I'm like, no, no, no, I can do all of it.
19:55LAUGHTER
19:55I'll just move my arms and legs quicker.
19:57You know?
19:58I'll just whiz around the bed a bit, you know?
20:00I can put on a funny voice.
20:01You won't know in the dark.
20:02You know?
20:03Touch my tits.
20:05LAUGHTER
20:06Thank you very much, Sarah.
20:09APPLAUSE
20:11That leaves us with Scott.
20:13Let's see where your topic is.
20:14Let's spin the wheel.
20:16OK, the topic is ageing.
20:19LAUGHTER
20:20OK, I'm 46 now.
20:23You're right not to applaud.
20:25LAUGHTER
20:26I've reached the point now where I'm going to the gym
20:28just to maintain where I am,
20:31which is truly tragic.
20:33I've got a personal trainer who says,
20:35you're looking to get shredded, you're looking to get ripped.
20:37I was like, no, Jase, I'm looking to get dressed.
20:40LAUGHTER
20:41I just like to put my socks on
20:43without involving my children first.
20:45LAUGHTER
20:46I don't know what's happened to me.
20:48I'm trying, I'm clinging on.
20:49I went to a post-punk gig recently
20:51and I got in the mosh pit, which was an error.
20:54Because it was just everyone my own age.
20:56At one point, we all had our hands in the air,
20:58like an act of defiance,
21:00but what ruined it was a sea of Apple Watchers
21:03warning us we're in a loud environment.
21:06LAUGHTER
21:07You're going to smash the system,
21:09but you keep it below 85 decibels.
21:11You're not meant to be there.
21:13Because that's the thing that leaves you behind.
21:15My nephew's 19,
21:16he's had them holes put in his earlobes.
21:18Right?
21:19When was that agreed?
21:21LAUGHTER
21:22It makes his face look like a camping ground sheet.
21:25LAUGHTER
21:27I don't know whether to talk to him or peg him down.
21:30I mean...
21:32APPLAUSE
21:35It's like a piece of tarpaulin with opinions.
21:39Do you know what that's really good for?
21:41It's measuring the perfect portion of spaghetti.
21:44LAUGHTER
21:46What's that going to look like when he's older?
21:48I suppose he gives somewhere for a nurse to hang a drip, doesn't he?
21:51LAUGHTER
21:53Maybe that's the idea.
21:54But I look at my dad, my dad's in his 70s,
21:57he's embracing it, right?
21:58He's stopped caring.
21:59I was there the other week,
22:00he was polishing his car with a pair of old underpants.
22:03He said to me, it's better than any cloth.
22:05I said, yeah, but take them off.
22:08LAUGHTER
22:10I can't watch you grinding up the side of an Octavia
22:14like a geriatric Beyonce.
22:16It's horrific.
22:17You're doing a slow drop in the alloys, mate.
22:20Like Victoria Beckham at her wedding.
22:22I can't have this.
22:23LAUGHTER
22:25APPLAUSE
22:27But I am trying.
22:29I want to leave a legacy for my children.
22:30I'm trying to look after myself.
22:31And then something happened the other week,
22:33and I thought, what's the point?
22:34Because I was at a gig,
22:35and another act came up to me and said,
22:36Scott, you look fantastic.
22:38Have you been training?
22:39Have you been dieting?
22:40I'd have the neurovirus.
22:42LAUGHTER
22:43I'd been shitting myself inside out for a month.
22:46I thought I was going to die.
22:48And he looked at me and went,
22:50whatever you're doing, keep doing it.
22:52LAUGHTER
22:52That's the best you've ever looked.
22:54Your cheekbones have come back.
22:56I've given up on the gym.
22:57I'm licking handrails outside of walking.
22:59LAUGHTER
23:01New one-star-rated restaurants.
23:03LAUGHTER
23:04I've just ordered a tapeworm on the dark web.
23:06LAUGHTER
23:08Basically, I'm going to shit myself into skinny jeans.
23:11LAUGHTER
23:13APPLAUSE
23:13Well done.
23:14Point here and go to...
23:15Scott Fenner!
23:17Sit down.
23:17Come on.
23:19Join us after the break for more Mock The Week.
23:30The next round is called, if this is the answer,
23:32what is the question?
23:33On the border, six categories.
23:35Scott, which category would you like?
23:37Politics, please.
23:38OK, your topic is politics.
23:39The answer is around £500,000.
23:42What is the question?
23:43How much would I pay to have an uninterrupted poo in my own house?
23:47LAUGHTER
23:49Is it, how much will I win if Prince Andrew becomes the new host of Strictly?
23:54LAUGHTER
23:55Is it, how much do I owe the student loans company for my degree in financial planning?
24:01LAUGHTER
24:02Is it, what would Christmas have cost me if I got my kids everything they asked for?
24:06LAUGHTER
24:07Is it, of the £10 billion Donald Trump is suing them for,
24:11how much would bankrupt the BBC?
24:14LAUGHTER
24:15Is it, what's the going rate to jog a politician's memory?
24:20LAUGHTER
24:20Is it, how much would a million-pound house be worth
24:23if Peter Mandelson moved in next door?
24:27LAUGHTER
24:27Is it, how much do vets now charge to drain a dog's anal glands?
24:32LAUGHTER
24:33It's a lot.
24:34It's a lot.
24:34That is a lot.
24:35If only we could run our houses on the juice that comes out of dogs.
24:38LAUGHTER
24:39I'll do it for free.
24:40It's OK, it isn't the word juice.
24:41It was the word juice.
24:42I apologise.
24:43Is it, how much was the restaurant find at the end of Ratatouille?
24:47LAUGHTER
24:49Is it, how much of my half-million-pound investment did I lose
24:52when I invested in Hoctua coin?
24:56LAUGHTER
24:57LAUGHTER
24:58Is it, how much did my dad think leaving a light on
25:01in one room would cost per day?
25:03Is it, how much damage was done when they left my nan
25:06in charge of the thermostat at Madame Tussauds?
25:09LAUGHTER
25:10Is it, four people, four nights, summer holidays at centre parks?
25:15LAUGHTER
25:15Is it, how much is a flight from Abu Dhabi to Heathrow?
25:19LAUGHTER
25:20Is it, how much was Bonnie Blue's last drag cleaning bill?
25:24LAUGHTER
25:34Is it, how much did I make selling a vicar's son's pants on eBay?
25:37LAUGHTER
25:39Is it, if a busker borrowed your hat, Dara, how much could he bit in it?
25:46LAUGHTER
25:46LAUGHTER
25:47He's got a big head!
25:49Yeah, he's got a massive head!
25:51APPLAUSE
25:51When he goes, Nathan, yeah, with that.
25:53If you go to a money exchange in an airport
25:56and exchange one million British pounds for British pounds,
25:59how much do you get?
26:01LAUGHTER
26:02OK, does anyone have the correct answer, please?
26:04How much does it cost to keep my daughter
26:05in her various school clubs per month?
26:08LAUGHTER
26:09Dreams that are going nowhere?
26:12LAUGHTER
26:15How much has Sarah Pascoe turned down to poo in public?
26:19LAUGHTER
26:21Is it actually, is it, how much did Peter Mandelson ask for
26:25as a severance pay?
26:27Absolutely right, thank you very much, Ed. Thank you.
26:29APPLAUSE
26:31Yes, the question I was looking for is,
26:34what did Peter Mandelson request as severance payment
26:36after he was sacked as UK ambassador to the United States?
26:39This is news that information about the negotiations
26:41was included in the release of a 147-page collection of documents
26:44on Mandelson's appointment and subsequent removal,
26:47following the emergence of more details
26:48about his friendship with Jeffrey Epstein.
26:50Peter Mandelson has continually denied any wrongdoing.
26:53Could we have written a more fucking wordy way?
26:56LAUGHTER
26:57Fucking hell.
27:00So what was the outcome of all this?
27:02The outcome was he asked for half a million
27:04and they gave him about 70 grand,
27:06which just shows us the shit-hot negotiator we lost.
27:10LAUGHTER
27:11That's what you've got to do, man.
27:12I asked for 500 grand to do this show from TLC.
27:15Sure, I didn't get it,
27:16but I got £10 an episode
27:18and an appointment with Dr Pimple Popper.
27:21LAUGHTER
27:21He said the reason he asked for £500,000 was because,
27:25what he said was,
27:25the actions of His Majesty's Government
27:28have permanently damaged his employability.
27:32Oh!
27:33He's 72.
27:34What, is he going to miss an internship now because of this?
27:37LAUGHTER
27:38I think we don't want to see, like, what he got.
27:40We should be able to see how he asked for it.
27:43You know, I want to see,
27:44dragons, I'm asking for £500,000 now...
27:48LAUGHTER
27:48..to never work again...
27:49Yeah.
27:50..due to my links to an international super-nonce.
27:54LAUGHTER
27:55Alleged super-nonce.
27:57No, I think we know that Epstein was a super-nonce, don't we?
27:59I just want to...
28:00Oh, no.
28:01He's not going to steal us from beyond the grave.
28:03LAUGHTER
28:04It's a bold move.
28:05I almost respect him.
28:07Like, would I let him take my daughter on holiday?
28:09No, but he could get a John Lewis refund, by the way.
28:12LAUGHTER
28:12He's going to make his real money in podcasts, though, isn't he?
28:15Oh, yeah.
28:16It's so obvious that no-one's going to get any consequences,
28:18and he's going to start a podcast with Andrew
28:20called The Rest Is Redacted.
28:22LAUGHTER
28:23LAUGHTER
28:26It's like me, I complained about a pizza at Domino's,
28:29and I was on the phone sort of back and forth for about 20 minutes,
28:32and then in the end they said,
28:33do you want some dough balls?
28:35And I just went, deal!
28:36And that was...
28:37LAUGHTER
28:38I knew when I'd won, you know.
28:40Yeah, yeah, yeah.
28:40You've got Pizza Express dough balls from Domino's.
28:42That is coward.
28:44LAUGHTER
28:45Well, did you want to just pretend you'd been a Pizza Express,
28:48because it might be useful as an alibi later?
28:50LAUGHTER
28:51It's where people go.
28:54APPLAUSE
28:56This picture came out, you know, during all this...
28:58Honestly, you know, that's it, there you go.
29:01This looks like the eye view of the terrified child
29:03who's come to collect their ball they've kicked over the fence.
29:07LAUGHTER
29:07That's quite gratifying that these, like,
29:10this rich, powerful cabal of men who are, like,
29:13secretly basically running the world, the elite,
29:16and they have the same chair and table you can buy from P&Q for 500 quid.
29:21LAUGHTER
29:22That's what they're saying, it's a display model.
29:24We'll never sell it now.
29:25Get off it.
29:26LAUGHTER
29:27Finally, an image more disturbing
29:29than when I caught my mum doing reverse cowgirl.
29:32LAUGHTER
29:33LAUGHTER
29:37Is Andrew vaping?
29:39He looks like he's vaping.
29:40He'll do anything to impress a teenager.
29:42Did you say vaping?
29:43LAUGHTER
29:45He's a vaping, yeah?
29:46Yeah, I did say vaping.
29:47He's vaping, yeah.
29:48He's allegedly vaping.
29:49Allegedly, he is a vapist.
29:51LAUGHTER
29:59No, no, no.
30:03There's a lawyer with a pen going...
30:05LAUGHTER
30:12At the end of that round, the points go to Scott, Rhys and Catherine.
30:16APPLAUSE
30:19The next round is called audience question time.
30:22And we throw ourselves open to the studio audience
30:23and invite them to ask us questions on any topic.
30:26First up, is there a Nicky here, by the way?
30:28Hey, Nicky, how are you?
30:29I'm good, how are you?
30:30I'm very well, thanks for asking.
30:31And what question do you have for everyone here?
30:33What do you think is really overrated?
30:36QI.
30:38LAUGHTER
30:39It's just facts being explained slowly.
30:41I mean, honestly...
30:41People can't even remember them, what's the point?
30:44LAUGHTER
30:45Any podcast that won't have me as a guest...
30:48LAUGHTER
30:49..instantly becomes overrated in my mind.
30:51Surely there's no-one that wouldn't have you as a guest.
30:53There's loads, yeah.
30:54Off-menu can go fuck itself.
30:57LAUGHTER
30:59Video doorbells.
31:00People say they're amazing because you can check in on them
31:02wherever you are, so you can be on a beach, you know,
31:05watching someone burgle your house.
31:07And all you can do is try and persuade them to stop.
31:12LAUGHTER
31:12On your holidays going, no, no, I'm just upstairs.
31:15I'm just inconvenienced at the moment.
31:17Please don't take my son's pants again.
31:19LAUGHTER
31:20They're holding up the stuff they're robbing like that.
31:22Have you got the charger for this?
31:25LAUGHTER
31:26I've got a similar thing, I think it's overrated.
31:28I think camera phones are overrated.
31:30I think looking at pictures of yourself actually makes you feel
31:33much worse about yourself, much more critical.
31:34I know that younger women look at women my age and older
31:37and think, oh, why are you walking around?
31:40You know, you look terrible.
31:42LAUGHTER
31:42Why don't you care about it?
31:44And the reason is that, like, when we were growing up,
31:45we had our photographs taken once a year at school,
31:49twice if someone brought an owl in.
31:52LAUGHTER
31:52For me, the most overrated thing is, like, productivity gurus
31:56and, like, cold shower people who, like, Wim Hoffit and do all of that.
31:59Cold shower in the morning.
32:00Because they always say it's got all these benefits,
32:01having a cold shower, ice-cold shower.
32:03They're like, it really wakes you up in the morning.
32:04I'm like, yeah, of course it does.
32:05It's pouring ice-cold water on yourself.
32:07That's how they wake up hostages.
32:09LAUGHTER
32:10That's a cuckoo clock in Guantanamo Bay.
32:11I'm a free man.
32:12I can do it.
32:13And then they'll be like, oh, it reduces stress.
32:15It's like, oh, does it?
32:16You know what I find stressful?
32:17Breathless goosebumps and a fully retracted penis.
32:19OK?
32:27OK.
32:28For the next question, there's a Will somewhere in the audience.
32:30Hey, Will, how are you?
32:31What question do you have for everyone?
32:33What news would you most like to hear at the moment?
32:36Oh, Will...
32:37I would love to hear that Greenland and Canada
32:40have launched a successful invasion of America.
32:43LAUGHTER
32:48I, um, I really want sort of things for my friends,
32:51so I'd like Ed to get on off-menu and Rhys to get on QI.
32:54LAUGHTER
32:56I'd love to hear that Trump has been an elaborate hoax by Derren Brown.
33:00LAUGHTER
33:01And I'd love that to be revealed by new Mock the Week host Rhys James.
33:06LAUGHTER
33:07I would like my teenage daughter to bring down the cups and bowls
33:10she's got in her bedroom.
33:12Uh, yeah, cos at the moment we're a one-bowl family.
33:16LAUGHTER
33:17We're just passing it back and forth.
33:20LAUGHTER
33:20And, you know, I'm sick of eating my Weetabix
33:24out of a wok.
33:25LAUGHTER
33:27Oh, you said bowls.
33:28I thought you said bones and I thought she's like a wolf.
33:31No, there could be bones up there.
33:32I'll be honest with you, I wouldn't be surprised.
33:34OK.
33:35It's like an archaeological dig under her bed at the moment, so...
33:38How old is she?
33:3915.
33:39Yeah.
33:40Oh, yeah, yeah.
33:40Good luck.
33:41They're pure evil.
33:43They're on TikTok so much, they're like instruments of the
33:45Chinese government at this point.
33:47LAUGHTER
33:47But they do bring them down.
33:49Is she has to leave them even near the dishwasher?
33:51No, they're inside the door of the kitchen.
33:53Magical fairies will take them from there to wherever.
33:56Oh, you wait till you get a husband.
33:58LAUGHTER
33:59That's the dream, Sarah.
34:00LAUGHTER
34:02He's out there somewhere.
34:03LAUGHTER
34:05My job is, there's a radiator and there's just cups and bowls
34:07the entire way along the radiator.
34:08Yeah!
34:09Maybe unchain her from it, then.
34:12LAUGHTER
34:14APPLAUSE
34:16Thank you very much, Sarah.
34:17And thank you all for the audience.
34:18Thank you very much.
34:20Join us again after the break.
34:30The next line is called Between the Lines
34:32and features Hugh and Rhys.
34:34So, would you make your way to the press pit, please?
34:36Rhys delivers a speech in the guise of a leading figure
34:38on the world stage, while Hugh translates what they really mean.
34:40This week, Rhys is Ed Miliband.
34:43LAUGHTER
34:45He's still knocking about, is he?
34:47LAUGHTER
34:49Hello.
34:50Remember me?
34:51I am the political equivalent of tennis's Jamie Murray.
34:57LAUGHTER
35:01I know how effective wind is as an energy source.
35:05I am full of hot air.
35:07LAUGHTER
35:08I am the choice of the party to replace Keir Starmer.
35:11Hard to believe, I know.
35:14We must learn to say no to Donald Trump.
35:18Especially when the question is, would you like a bacon sandwich?
35:22LAUGHTER
35:23I am one of the few faces in the Cabinet that people recognise.
35:27They think I'm Wallace.
35:29LAUGHTER
35:30Chuck in cheese, Gromit.
35:33LAUGHTER
35:33Thank God you said that, I thought you meant Greg Wallace.
35:36LAUGHTER
35:38People mock my ideas as crazy.
35:40They won't be laughing when I'm driving my cheese-powered car
35:42to my house made of wool.
35:43LAUGHTER
35:44Whoop-whoop!
35:46LAUGHTER
35:46The Tories of course...
35:48Whoop-whoop!
35:48OK.
35:50Whoop-whoop!
35:52The Tories...
35:53OK.
35:54Why is your internal monologue interrupting your external monologue?
36:00Hugh, will you please let me continue my dream of pretending to be Ed Miliband?
36:04LAUGHTER
36:05Whoop-whoop!
36:07Whoop-whoop!
36:08I'm all about net zero.
36:09That is my current approval rating.
36:13LAUGHTER
36:13Sadly, it is true that there are people in other countries who really hate us.
36:18My brother still isn't speaking to me.
36:20LAUGHTER
36:20Oil rig workers seem very keen for me to re-explore the North Sea.
36:25They kept trying to throw me out of their helicopter.
36:28LAUGHTER
36:28I want to reassure you the Iran conflict will not affect your energy bills.
36:32I want to...
36:35LAUGHTER
36:35..but I can't.
36:36We are doomed!
36:37Sell up!
36:38Burn your furniture!
36:40Live in a tent!
36:43LAUGHTER
36:43Coo-coo!
36:46Thank you very much.
36:49APPLAUSE
36:54Now we come to scenes we like to see,
36:57so if everyone can make their way over to the performance area please,
37:00I'll read of this week's topics and we'll see what our panellists can come up with.
37:02OK, here we go.
37:03The first subject is...
37:06Unlikely things to hear on a property show.
37:09Well, despite looking rundown, dated and a bit sad,
37:12with just a bit of TLC we can get him back in his chair pressing his little buzzer.
37:18LAUGHTER
37:18APPLAUSE
37:21Well, now it's time for a lick of paint and a sniff of glue.
37:26LAUGHTER
37:29A real fixer-upper, but the economy's bad and I decided to move in with him anyway.
37:35LAUGHTER
37:36It has some wonderful period features.
37:38The kitchen even has its own cholera outbreak.
37:42LAUGHTER
37:45Now, look at those wonderful exposed beams.
37:48Now, if the roof hadn't caved in, you wouldn't have seen those.
37:51LAUGHTER
37:53Well, they're renovating another property they've bought for a pound,
37:57but have they paid too much?
37:58Find out in Amanda and Ellen's Chernobyl job.
38:02LAUGHTER
38:04With its sea views, excellent transport links and beautiful luxury accommodation,
38:10Epstein Island really is...
38:12LAUGHTER
38:13..a jewel in the crown.
38:15LAUGHTER
38:17OK, which one of the two is your least favourite?
38:19Right, well, don't send that one to private school and you can afford this flat.
38:22LAUGHTER
38:24Today, we're going to be answering the most important question
38:27when buying a house.
38:29Why are estate agents such twats?
38:34Welcome to Homes Under The Hammer.
38:36This week, it's Eamonn and the hammer is the sledgehammer.
38:40LAUGHTER
38:42Well, I've pebbled-dashed the wall.
38:44I'm sorry about that, but I do feel a lot better.
38:47LAUGHTER
38:49And this property actually has its own blue plaque.
38:52I don't know much about the guy, but I like the name Harold
38:53and seems he was some sort of sailor or ship man.
38:57LAUGHTER
38:59Welcome to Gran Designs.
39:01And here she is.
39:02Well, Gran, what have you designed...
39:05LAUGHTER
39:0821-year-old Callum is doing a fantastic job on this barn conversion.
39:12He's got the drawings done, the builders are on standby
39:15and now it's the tricky part of the project,
39:17waiting for his parents to die.
39:19LAUGHTER
39:22Now, this one is a bit out of your price range,
39:24but we've got a handy trick to knock a few grand off the asking price.
39:27We've spray-painted the word nonce on the garage.
39:30LAUGHTER
39:32I think they're going to love this next house.
39:35It's near a school, it's everything they wanted
39:38and it's in the country.
39:39One problem, that country is Tajikistan.
39:46Homes Under The Hammer, a programme aimed at entrepreneurs
39:50but watched mainly by the unemployed in their underpants
39:53sitting in rented accommodation.
39:58John here is looking for a new premises for his thesaurus shop.
40:01And it's all about location, position, whereabouts.
40:04LAUGHTER
40:07Now, the primary bedroom does have en-suite potential
40:10if you're willing to take a shit in the wastebasket.
40:14LAUGHTER
40:16Right.
40:18So, apparently, that was a retaining wall.
40:22LAUGHTER
40:25I know people don't like estate agents, but we are trustworthy.
40:28Now, in answer to your question, no, this flat does not have subsidence.
40:30You're going to be out there.
40:32LAUGHTER
40:33They've broken through the pelvic floor
40:35and breathed new life into this old fallopian tube.
40:39LAUGHTER
40:39That's all coming up this week on Changing Wounds.
40:42LAUGHTER
40:44The next topic is...
40:46Things you don't want a relative to say.
40:49Oh, oh, sorry, sorry, you have to be on the step.
40:51What's on the step?
40:52You've got to be on the step, Ed.
40:53You've got to be on the step.
40:53You're not to blame, Ed.
40:54I know I'm not.
40:56You're not to blame.
40:56You're not to blame.
40:57It's changing when I say the thing and then you walk in.
41:00All right.
41:00Sorry, I've never done this show before.
41:02LAUGHTER
41:04Things you don't want a relative to say.
41:07Not you, Ed.
41:09LAUGHTER
41:15No, in real life, Dara's a cunt.
41:23Every third generation has a tiny penis.
41:25Your grandfather had one.
41:28LAUGHTER
41:32Hand jobs aren't incest, are they?
41:35LAUGHTER
41:37You look so much like your father,
41:39which is lucky, cos he's just got a speeding fine.
41:43LAUGHTER
41:45Can I ask some advice?
41:46How long are you supposed to wait before you say,
41:48I love you, for the first time?
41:49Cos it's been 34 years, Dad, just say it.
41:52LAUGHTER
41:54We're so excited to meet your girlfriend.
41:57Your dad's been a subscriber for months.
42:01LAUGHTER
42:03This has been in our family for generations,
42:05and now I'm passing it on to you, son.
42:08Congratulations.
42:09You're going to be bold before you're 30.
42:11LAUGHTER
42:15A family that plays together stays together.
42:18Who's up for Naked Twister?
42:21LAUGHTER
42:21OK, can I open another present?
42:23What's it going to be?
42:24Oh, it's rice.
42:25I hate Uncle Ben.
42:29Oh, yeah, no, we've done the DNA,
42:31so we are 30% Anglo-Saxon, 25% Scandinavian
42:35and 15% sheep.
42:37Bleh!
42:37LAUGHTER
42:40While you are under my roof, you will examine my stool samples.
42:44LAUGHTER
42:46Well, I'm sorry, son, but in this family,
42:48we support Tottenham Hotspur.
42:51LAUGHTER
42:54I've got bad news about your father.
42:56He's Robert Jenrick.
42:58LAUGHTER
43:02Oh, I used to change your nappies,
43:05fill them with heroin and take you over the border.
43:09LAUGHTER
43:10I just wish Mum and Dad were here to see this,
43:14but, er...
43:15They couldn't be arsed.
43:17LAUGHTER
43:20Your Uncle David died doing what he loved.
43:23Your Auntie Janet.
43:25LAUGHTER
43:27Yeah, it was a really difficult birth.
43:29I mean, he's absolutely huge.
43:30The full £30 completely ripped me in shreds,
43:32but, er...
43:33We've thought of a name.
43:34Dara O'Brien.
43:36LAUGHTER
43:40Well done, darling.
43:42You're finally going to be on Mock the Week.
43:44And it's not on the BBC.
43:47LAUGHTER
43:49The bad news is, it's hereditary.
43:52The good news is, you're adopted.
43:54LAUGHTER
43:57I'll just clean the table before you sit down.
44:01Your grandfather messed it up when he was railing me on it earlier.
44:05LAUGHTER
44:07George, I hate you, Dad.
44:08You're the worst dad in the world.
44:10You're even worse than that dad from Outnumbered.
44:17At the end of that round, the points are going to Scott Rees and Catherine.
44:24CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
44:25And that's the end of the show.
44:26This week's winners are Ed Byrne, Hugh Dennis and Sarah Pascoe.
44:30CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
44:31Commiserations to Catherine Ryan, Rhys James and Scott Bennett.
44:35CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
44:37Thank you for watching. I'm Daryl Green. Good night.
44:43CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
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