- 2 days ago
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00:26To be continued...
00:57To be continued...
01:00It all adds up.
01:00My only criticism of the movie?
01:02Who has open cups of water in the car?
01:05Oh, yeah, that was weird.
01:06Yeah, it's like you want a lid for that water?
01:07Nah, that's okay.
01:08I'm just riding in the jungle.
01:10Oh, hey, can we stop by the video store?
01:11I want to rent a movie.
01:12You just saw a movie.
01:14Yeah, I know.
01:15Now we got dinosaur fever.
01:16We want to see more movies with dinosaurs.
01:18Ugh.
01:19Fine, but you gotta be quick.
01:20I got plans tonight.
01:21Oh, yeah?
01:21Wait, wait, what do you got going on?
01:23Just stuff.
01:24Like college stuff?
01:26Yes.
01:27Toga party?
01:28No.
01:28Fucking rush week?
01:29No.
01:30Fucking around with the new pledges,
01:31but then Diane goes a little too far
01:33and something horrible happens,
01:34but then you all kind of work together
01:36to cover it up,
01:37and then the next day
01:37you just go to class like nothing happened,
01:39but now you're all bonded for life
01:41by, like, a horrible secret,
01:42and it seems like it's all gonna be okay,
01:44but then Rachel seems a little shaky
01:45and you wonder if she's gonna be a problem.
01:47What the fuck are you talking about?
01:49I'm just making conversation.
01:59Okay, you got five minutes.
02:00Hurry up and pay something.
02:01Okay.
02:16Hey, Teddy.
02:17Yeah?
02:17You ever seen a porno?
02:19Yeah, I saw a lot of them
02:20when I was out in Hollywood.
02:21They're as awesome as people say?
02:23They are, Johnny.
02:25What are they like?
02:26Well, you turn it on,
02:28you settle in,
02:28you get your Kleenex and your lotion,
02:30and you fucking go to town.
02:32Wow.
02:33Sounds amazing.
02:34Yeah, especially afterward,
02:35when it's over
02:36and you think about what you did.
02:37Really?
02:38Yeah, and you clean yourself up,
02:40but the porn's still going on
02:41in the background,
02:41but it seems twice as loud now,
02:43and even though you didn't leave the house,
02:45you know you've contributed
02:46to a woman's nightmare.
02:47Oh, and you can't shove that sock
02:49in the hamper deep enough.
02:51Man, every time I come in here
02:52and I see those doors,
02:53it's like,
02:54it's so mysterious.
02:56The private,
02:57exclusive adults-only room.
03:17Master John,
03:18Master John,
03:19Master Ted,
03:19I'm so delighted
03:21that you've joined us.
03:22Are we thinking of renting
03:23some pornography this evening?
03:25Indeed we are, Lloyd.
03:27Splendid, splendid.
03:28We have quite a fine selection
03:30for your perusal.
03:31Hmm.
03:32Well, what would you recommend?
03:33Your preference, sir.
03:34Would you like to feel
03:35in charge
03:36or like an itty-witty baby?
03:38I do believe
03:39I would like to feel
03:40like a baby.
03:41No one has ever chosen
03:43the other one, sir.
03:44Yes, I would imagine not.
03:47Very good, sir.
03:48I'll be right back
03:49with your cream and kerchief.
03:51How's the wife, Lloyd?
03:53Well, sir,
03:54I'm afraid that Clara
03:55passed away last month.
03:57Oh, Lloyd,
03:58we're so very sorry.
03:59Thank you, sir.
04:00She fought bravely,
04:01but there was nothing
04:02the doctors could do.
04:03And how is your son
04:04taking the loss?
04:05We haven't spoken
04:07since she passed away, sir.
04:08I'm afraid that Jeremy
04:09blames me
04:10for his mother's death.
04:11How terrible.
04:12Thank heaven I have my work.
04:14Elsewise,
04:14I'm not sure
04:15I could go on
04:16living myself.
04:17Well,
04:18enjoy your pornography, sir.
04:21Jesus,
04:22your fantasy includes
04:23the guy losing
04:24his wife and family?
04:25Well, I mean,
04:26the son didn't die.
04:27They're just estranged.
04:28I just feel like
04:28by putting all that
04:29on him,
04:30it distracts
04:30from our story.
04:32Teddy,
04:33you want to go in there?
04:34In the back room?
04:35Yeah.
04:36Yeah,
04:36don't you think
04:37it's about time
04:37I rented my first porno?
04:38Well,
04:39I hope you've gotten
04:39everything done
04:40that you need
04:41to get done ever.
04:42Why?
04:43Oh, you'll see.
04:44Come on,
04:44let's do it.
04:47Hey,
04:47no one under 18
04:49in the adult section.
04:50Ah, shit.
04:51It's all right,
04:52Johnny.
04:52I'll go and get it.
04:53You hear me?
04:54I said no one
04:55under 18.
04:56It's all right,
04:56buddy.
04:56It's just me.
04:57You came to life
04:58in 1985.
04:59That makes you what?
05:00Eight?
05:01Don't.
05:01It's a little different.
05:02No.
05:02Rules are rules.
05:04Ah, shit.
05:07Wow.
05:08What an amazing selection.
05:09These are all
05:10so erotic.
05:11All right,
05:11if you guys are done
05:12humiliating yourselves
05:13in public,
05:13can we get out of here?
05:15Uh, Blair?
05:16I'm not renting you porn.
05:17Come on,
05:18you gotta.
05:19No, I don't.
05:19Blair,
05:20I'm already 16.
05:21Okay,
05:21if I was Mormon,
05:22I'd be a grandfather by now.
05:23Blair,
05:23be a pal,
05:24huh?
05:24Just this once.
05:25I'm basically
05:26an adult already,
05:27okay?
05:27I just want to watch
05:28an adult movie.
05:30All right,
05:31fine.
05:32What?
05:32What?
05:33I don't have time
05:33to stand here all day
05:34and argue,
05:34okay?
05:34Just go wait in the car.
05:36Holy shit,
05:37fucking awesome.
05:37You're fucking amazing.
05:39Thank you so much.
05:40Thank you so much.
05:40You're the fucking best.
05:42Oh,
05:43and whatever seems
05:43grossest to you,
05:44that's probably
05:45what we're gonna like.
05:45I'm gonna count to three.
05:46Okay.
05:49All right,
05:50you guys,
05:50enjoy the movie.
05:51Oh,
05:51we will.
05:52Oh,
05:52and don't be thrown
05:54when you turn it on.
05:55It's black and white.
05:56Even better.
05:57Yeah,
05:57finally,
05:57we're telling their stories.
05:58Yeah,
05:58love that.
05:59Representation matters.
06:00Glad to hear it.
06:02Okay,
06:03here we go.
06:04We got at least
06:05an hour before
06:06Mondage tank.
06:10All right,
06:11point of time.
06:14Whoa,
06:15the 400 blows.
06:16Whoever this guy is,
06:17he's gonna be a nub
06:18by the end of it.
06:19Ah,
06:19French fucking.
06:20All right,
06:21a little hairy,
06:21but I'm on board.
06:22Oh,
06:22oh,
06:23oh,
06:23oh,
06:24oh,
06:24oh,
06:24oh,
06:25oh,
06:25oh,
06:25oh,
06:25oh,
06:25oh,
06:25oh,
06:26it's gonna sound like.
06:34Jesus,
06:35how the fuck long
06:35has this been going on?
06:37You guys enjoying the movie?
06:38No,
06:38it sucks.
06:40How the fuck is this a porno?
06:41Well,
06:42I rented you guys
06:43an adult movie,
06:44as in a movie for adults.
06:47Oh,
06:48you suck.
06:49No,
06:49no,
06:49but wait,
06:49they were talking about ball sacks.
06:51Ball sack.
06:52Yeah,
06:52exactly,
06:52so where were they?
06:53Are you saying
06:53you don't like the film?
06:55No,
06:55no,
06:56there's no sex at all
06:57in this movie,
06:58just ennui.
06:59I did you a favor.
07:00No,
07:00we want to look at genitals.
07:01Trust me,
07:02it's overrated.
07:03Wait,
07:03what do you mean?
07:04You watch porn?
07:05Uh,
07:05no,
07:06but a guy from my school
07:07did mail me a photo
07:08of his dick last semester.
07:10Oh.
07:11Yeah,
07:11even shot it in sepia tone.
07:13Wait,
07:13so it was like all old-timey?
07:15Yeah.
07:15Like this penis
07:16is a dust ball orphan?
07:18You want the kicker?
07:19It was flaccid.
07:20Wait,
07:20so he didn't even do the work?
07:21Nope,
07:22just a flaccid dick
07:23with a fancy filter.
07:25Well,
07:25I guess even a great director
07:27can't save a bad script.
07:28Anyway,
07:29enjoy the movie,
07:30guys.
07:30It's a classic.
07:34Fuck this.
07:51Everyone,
07:52Maddie and I
07:53have some news.
07:55Oh,
07:55man,
07:55it finally happened.
07:57Look,
07:57I'm sure
07:58this was a tough decision
07:59to make,
07:59but there's no sense
08:00in postponing the inevitable.
08:01You know what?
08:02Not every marriage
08:03is meant to last forever,
08:04and at a certain point,
08:05you're just throwing
08:05good years after bad.
08:06We're going out to dinner.
08:07Hey,
08:08that's one of my favorite meals.
08:10We're going to go out,
08:11we're going to have
08:11a nice romantic evening tomorrow.
08:14Just the two of us,
08:15just because.
08:16And we're going to have
08:17a lovely time.
08:18That's right.
08:19My wife deserves a night out
08:20just for being her.
08:22We're going to have a,
08:22we're going to have a great meal
08:23and it's going to be terrific.
08:25Jesus,
08:26take it easy.
08:26What?
08:27I'm fucking happy.
08:28It's going to be a great night.
08:29You know,
08:29I wonder if years from now
08:30we'll find out this was all
08:31just one big long heart attack.
08:34Teddy,
08:34can I speak to you in private?
08:36Okay,
08:36this is perfect.
08:37Mom and dad are going to be
08:38out of the house
08:38and Blair's got school.
08:39There will never be
08:40a better time.
08:41For what?
08:41To rent a real porno.
08:44Well,
08:44how are we supposed to do it?
08:45That butt nut in the store
08:46says we got to be 18.
08:47There's a different guy
08:48that comes in at 6
08:49for the night shift.
08:50All right,
08:50we get fake IDs,
08:51we go in after 6,
08:52we can rent that porno.
08:53I don't know,
08:54Johnny,
08:54it's a risk.
08:55I mean,
08:55if we get caught...
08:56Teddy,
08:57watching other people
08:57have sex on the TV screen,
08:59that's just about
08:59the coolest thing
09:00a person can do.
09:01It's worth the risk.
09:02By this time tomorrow,
09:03that dream could be ours.
09:05All right,
09:06let's get some sleep.
09:07We jerk at first light.
09:09Right.
09:22Okay,
09:23two fake IDs.
09:23That'll be 50 bucks.
09:25We got that same VCR at home.
09:27I don't give a shit.
09:28Right there.
09:30That's my whole allowance
09:31for eight weeks.
09:32All right,
09:32here we go.
09:33Enjoy your new lives
09:34as adults.
09:35Jesus Christ,
09:36how old is this guy?
09:37Looks like he's 40.
09:38Hey,
09:39you'll be fine,
09:39all right?
09:40Although Ted's
09:41took a little bit of work.
09:42I can't use this.
09:44Why not?
09:44It looks like Bob Ross.
09:46It is.
09:47It is Bob.
09:48This is Bob Ross.
09:49Well,
09:49you're a tough fit, pal.
09:50It was either him
09:51or a pair of Ugg boots.
09:52Oh,
09:52yeah,
09:53laugh it up now.
09:53But pretty soon,
09:55I'll be having an orgasm
09:56next to my friend.
09:58Yeah.
10:15Wait,
10:16not yet,
10:16not yet.
10:17That other bastard's still there.
10:18Act like we're just here
10:19to rent the movie.
10:21Ah,
10:21yes,
10:22this looks like a good
10:23non-sexual film.
10:24Oh,
10:25yes,
10:25I have heard many
10:26great non-sexual things
10:27about this movie.
10:28Peter Travis calls it
10:29a sex-free laugh riot.
10:31Time magazine says
10:32about as erotic
10:33as mom's diarrhea.
10:35What the fuck?
10:37What?
10:37What the fuck was that?
10:38What do you mean?
10:39I'm just expanding
10:39on your thing.
10:40That's not what I was doing.
10:41Improv's all about
10:42yes and,
10:43okay?
10:43You can't just shut me down
10:44like that in the middle
10:45of a scene.
10:45Don't do mom's diarrhea
10:47and then tell me
10:48how I'm fucking supposed
10:48to do improv.
10:49Jesus Christ.
10:52Hey,
10:53hey.
10:53All right.
10:54I'm out of here.
10:55Later.
10:56Have a good one.
10:57All right,
10:57let's move.
10:59Excuse me.
11:01Uh-uh.
11:01Adults only.
11:02Ah,
11:02yes,
11:03of course.
11:03How forgetful of us.
11:04don't worry.
11:05This,
11:05uh,
11:06this happens all the time.
11:08Understand your mistake.
11:13Oh,
11:13my God.
11:14What?
11:15You're Bob Ross.
11:17Uh,
11:18yes.
11:18Yes,
11:19I am.
11:19Mr. Ross,
11:20I am a huge fan of yours.
11:22Oh,
11:22uh,
11:23well,
11:23thanks.
11:23I love your whole
11:24artistic philosophy,
11:25the way you assign emotion
11:26to every tree and cloud.
11:27Yeah,
11:28well,
11:28great.
11:29Um,
11:29listen,
11:29we're gonna head
11:29to the adult section
11:30and find ourselves
11:31a happy little bush.
11:32See you in a bit.
11:38Okay.
11:40Wow.
11:41Looks like you're having
11:41quite a marathon.
11:42Uh,
11:42yes.
11:43It's for,
11:44uh,
11:44fundraiser.
11:45Oh,
11:45for what?
11:46Jerkin
11:48for muscular dystrophy.
11:50Oh,
11:50yeah,
11:51JMD,
11:51of course.
11:52Hey,
11:52uh,
11:52is there a limit
11:53on how many tapes
11:53you can rent?
11:54Not for you,
11:55Mr. Ross.
11:56All right,
11:56these tapes are due back
11:57Thursday.
11:58There's an $80 fee
11:59for any missing
11:59or damaged tapes.
12:00That's a lot of money.
12:01That's a lot of porn.
12:02You know,
12:03other people want
12:04to masturbate, too.
12:05Not tonight, pal.
12:16Look at this place.
12:19Isn't this a magical night?
12:21My sock's got a big hole in it.
12:23If I tear it off,
12:24will you shove it in your purse?
12:26Oh,
12:27look,
12:27Maddie.
12:28They have a whole man
12:29just for the pepper.
12:31Oh,
12:31let's get something
12:32that needs pepper.
12:33When I was his age,
12:34I was liberating
12:35Na Trang hut by hut.
12:36But, yeah,
12:37sure,
12:37pepper boy's good, too.
12:39Gosh,
12:39everything's just
12:40so fancy-schmancy.
12:42I feel like
12:43Academy Awards.
12:44Hi there.
12:45How we doing tonight, folks?
12:46My sock's bugging me.
12:48Oh,
12:48I'm sorry to hear that.
12:50Can I take your order?
12:52Maddie,
12:52he's so sweet.
12:53What's your name?
12:55Kevin, ma'am.
12:56Kevin,
12:56you go home,
12:57you call your mother,
12:58and you tell her
12:59Susan Bennett from Framingham
13:00said you did an excellent job.
13:03My mother has
13:04advanced Alzheimer's.
13:05She has no idea
13:06who I am.
13:07I have the crab.
13:08Let me ask you
13:09a question there,
13:10Kevin.
13:10Why is the New York strip
13:1124 bucks,
13:12but at Rico's Market
13:13it's like eight?
13:14Well,
13:15supermarket prices
13:15and restaurant prices
13:16are different.
13:17Yeah, yeah, yeah.
13:17It's a pretty sweet mock-up.
13:1916 bucks for heat.
13:20That seem fair to you,
13:21Kevin?
13:22You could order
13:22the junior steak
13:23off the kid's menu
13:24for nine dollars.
13:25Now we're getting somewhere.
13:27Okay.
13:28See that,
13:28Susan?
13:28He blinked first.
13:30Comes with your choice
13:31of an activity booklet
13:32or a silly straw.
13:33Both, Kevo.
13:34Pilot high and good.
13:35Yes, sir.
13:37Here you go.
13:38Hang on.
13:39Do me a favor.
13:42Throw this out for me,
13:42would you?
13:47Wouldn't it be fun
13:48to be a waiter
13:49on a cruise ship?
13:51Because when you're done,
13:53you're already home.
13:55I'm gonna tell him that.
13:59All right,
14:00here we go.
14:01Porno time,
14:02porno time,
14:03porno,
14:04porno,
14:04porno time,
14:05porno time.
14:05All right,
14:06let's put one in.
14:06All right.
14:07Wait,
14:08hang on a second.
14:08Before we start,
14:09we gotta have some ground rules.
14:11What do you mean?
14:11Well,
14:12like,
14:12like,
14:13where were you sitting?
14:13On the couch.
14:15Oh,
14:15no,
14:15no,
14:15no,
14:15no,
14:15I don't want you
14:16in my eyeline.
14:17Okay,
14:17we could,
14:18like,
14:18build a divider or something,
14:19like a pillow fort.
14:20Yeah,
14:21I don't know,
14:21maybe we should watch alone,
14:23like in shifts.
14:23Yeah,
14:24I don't want to watch porn alone.
14:25That feels tragic.
14:26All right,
14:27then we'll watch it together.
14:28Yeah,
14:28well,
14:28that feels creepy.
14:29John,
14:30we're watching porn.
14:31It's either gonna be creepy
14:32or tragic.
14:32Those are the choices.
14:33All right,
14:34let's go with creepy.
14:35Which one are we starting with?
14:39How is everything?
14:40Oh,
14:40it's just wonderful.
14:42Not good,
14:43Kevo.
14:43The word apple
14:44ain't in here anywhere.
14:45They allow diagonal,
14:46sir.
14:47Well,
14:47they should put that
14:48in the goddamn directions.
14:50I'll tell the chef.
14:51Yeah.
14:53Maddie,
14:53you have to try this crab.
14:54No,
14:55I'm fine.
14:55Oh,
14:56just one bite,
14:56it's so delicious.
14:57I'm fine,
14:57I got my own food.
14:58Just a baby bite.
14:59I don't want any.
15:00Just try it,
15:00just one bite.
15:01Jesus Christ,
15:01Susan,
15:02why is it always so important
15:03that I have some of what you ordered?
15:04I want you to have some of this
15:06because I think you'll like it.
15:07Well,
15:07if I wanted the goddamn crab,
15:08I would have ordered the goddamn crab.
15:10But in the car on the way home,
15:11I can say,
15:12wasn't it good?
15:12For fuck's sake,
15:13all right.
15:14You know.
15:15All right.
15:22Oh,
15:23goddammit.
15:24Goddammit.
15:24That's better than what I ordered.
15:26You see?
15:26I knew you'd like it.
15:28Yeah.
15:29I can't wait to talk about it later.
15:31I wish we were in the car right now.
15:33Here.
15:34I got something for you.
15:37Oh,
15:37Maddie,
15:37what is it?
15:38Just open it.
15:39Be careful.
15:44A nail?
15:45Yeah.
15:45Just before you're finished,
15:47put that in what's left of your food
15:48and then find it.
15:50Whole night will be conked.
15:52Hey,
15:52careful.
15:53Hi,
15:54I'm Brad.
15:54Kevin quit.
15:57Oh,
15:58how about this one?
15:59Interracial butt fest.
16:00Oh,
16:01thank you,
16:01Dr. King.
16:03Anal screwlympics eight.
16:04No,
16:05I didn't see the first seven.
16:06I'm not going to understand it.
16:07Man,
16:07this guy's running his own three-legged race.
16:09Oh,
16:10let's start with this one.
16:22You sure that's going to work?
16:24Yeah,
16:24I don't know.
16:25But all I'm thinking about right now
16:26is my dead relatives.
16:27Why?
16:29Father White once said that
16:30if you ever masturbate,
16:31then all your dead relatives
16:32are up in heaven watching you.
16:33How is that heaven?
16:35Boy,
16:35you know,
16:35that is a great point.
16:36I mean,
16:37are they up there like,
16:37hey,
16:38you want to go to Abe Lincoln's house?
16:39Yeah,
16:39I'd like to,
16:40but my nephew's going to jerk off,
16:41so I got to go watch that.
16:43Okay,
16:43so we're fine.
16:53All right.
16:56Oh,
16:57he's a doctor.
16:58Looks like it's his first day
16:59at a new hospital.
17:00And that's usually the day
17:01you have sex with everyone,
17:02right?
17:02Oh,
17:03it sure is,
17:04Johnny.
17:04Whoops.
17:06Looks like all her clothes fell off.
17:07Oh,
17:08here we go.
17:10That's a weird thermometer.
17:12Hey,
17:12that's funny.
17:13I thought they only took
17:14your temperature like that
17:14when you were a baby.
17:15Yeah,
17:16that's not a...
17:17He's like pulling it in and out.
17:18It's never going to get
17:19an accurate reading like that.
17:22Well,
17:23I guess her prostate's fine.
17:29What happened?
17:30I don't know.
17:31The tape froze.
17:39It's stuck.
17:40The tape's stuck.
17:41Oh,
17:41shit.
17:42It's not coming out.
17:43What are we going to do?
17:44All right.
17:44Don't panic.
17:45Don't panic.
17:45Don't panic?
17:46What the fuck am I supposed to do?
17:47I just need a second to think,
17:48there is a porno stuck in the fucking VCR.
17:50What am I supposed to do?
17:51Just let me fucking think.
17:52Let me fucking think.
17:55Okay.
17:55We're going to have to take the machine apart.
17:57All right.
18:01I can't even open it.
18:02There's no screws.
18:03It's just rivets.
18:04Okay,
18:04I got it.
18:04I got it.
18:05We got to swap out VCRs.
18:06Get rid of this one.
18:07Replace it with a new one.
18:08How are we going to find a new VCR tonight?
18:10Even if shit was still open,
18:11we got no money.
18:12And anyways,
18:13this is an older model.
18:13You probably can't even fucking find it anymore.
18:16Yes,
18:16you can.
18:17The AV room at school.
18:18They got one there.
18:19We can go get it tonight.
18:20Going into school after hours?
18:22Won't that look suspicious?
18:23There's a game tonight.
18:24The school's open.
18:25We dress like basketball players,
18:26and if anyone sees us,
18:27they'll think we're there for the game.
18:29If we blow this,
18:30everybody's going to know we're perverts.
18:31Jesus.
18:32All this work,
18:33and we didn't even get to have an orgasm.
18:35Yeah.
18:35Yeah.
18:36Right.
18:37Yeah, man,
18:37that fucking sucks.
18:38Both of us didn't.
18:43I just don't understand it.
18:44We're not under construction.
18:46Well,
18:46you know,
18:46the good news is she saw it.
18:48Otherwise,
18:49she could have died.
18:51Right,
18:52Susan?
18:52You mean you could have died
18:53if you ate a nail.
18:54I guess I could have died
18:56if I ate a nail.
18:58I am so deeply sorry,
18:59Mrs. Bennett.
19:00Of course,
19:01your entire evening is calmed,
19:02and if there's anything else
19:03we can do for you,
19:04please tell us.
19:05Yeah,
19:06you see that old-timey
19:07diver's helmet
19:08you got there in the window?
19:10I want you to fill it with shrimp.
19:18Wasn't the crab good?
19:31Okay,
19:32almost got it.
19:33There we go.
19:35Okay,
19:36you stay here.
19:37I'm going to make sure
19:37the coast is clear.
19:38Okay.
19:43Ice it up,
19:43Hampton.
19:44You'll be fine.
19:44I don't know,
19:45coach.
19:46I think I heard it break.
19:47It's a little ice.
19:47Best thing for it.
19:49Hey,
19:49Bennett.
19:50Uh,
19:51yeah?
19:51We're a man down.
19:52Get in there.
19:53No forfeit.
19:54We got a player.
19:54Actually,
19:55coach,
19:56you know,
19:56I'm not...
19:56No, Bennett!
19:56We got a game to win!
20:04Ain't so fucking hard.
20:06Let's get the hell out of here.
20:12Jesus!
20:13What a night,
20:14huh?
20:16Matty,
20:18what you did there
20:19was a sin.
20:20You lied to them.
20:22Ah,
20:22they lied to us first.
20:23Goddamn steak
20:24doesn't cost 24 bucks.
20:26We're even.
20:26And the best part is,
20:28I didn't even have to use this.
20:30What is that?
20:31A coupon for one free meal
20:32at Chuck's Steakhouse.
20:34So,
20:35all in,
20:35we get three free dinners
20:36for the price of one.
20:38Is that why you wanted
20:39to go out to dinner?
20:40Because he had a coupon?
20:42I had a beautiful woman
20:43on my arm,
20:43and I spent no money.
20:45A perfect evening.
20:46And the activity book.
20:48Hey,
20:49Johnny,
20:49your old man
20:50solved a maze tonight.
20:53It's Friday night.
20:54It's probably
20:54the basketball game.
20:55You going up?
20:56Uh,
20:56no,
20:57I think I'll stay up
20:58for a while
20:59and watch TV.
21:00Suit yourself.
21:01Mwah!
21:02I'm gonna roll around
21:02in bed
21:03and try to burp.
21:32I'm gonna roll around
21:33Oh, yeah.
21:45Oh, yeah.
22:06Hey.
22:07Knock it off.
22:15You know, I just realized we probably could have just dressed like ourselves going to the game.
22:19Hey, shh. The lights are out. Mom and Dad must be asleep.
22:24All right, I'll swap it out. You make sure no one's coming.
22:27Right.
22:34All right, it's done.
22:35Not quite. We still gotta get that tape out.
22:45Fuck?
22:46Oh, shit.
22:47It's gone.
22:54Okay, let's just calm down here.
22:56What do you mean, calm down? The tape's gone.
22:58It can't just be gone. It's gotta be somewhere.
23:00Oh, shit.
23:02Oh, shit.
23:04What, what, what?
23:04Somebody found it. Somebody found it and they took it.
23:07Oh, shit.
23:09Okay, tomorrow, when everyone's out, we search the house.
23:12What if we don't find it?
23:13Then we'll have to rent the same movie from another store and return it to the first store,
23:17and we'll have to do that every three days until the end of time.
23:21Oh, my God.
23:22Yeah, like a Ponzi scheme.
23:26Yeah, we're in trouble, but we can still have fun with words.
23:30Yeah.
23:44Yeah, come straight.
23:59Mm-hmm.
24:04bless me father for i have sinned
24:09hello susan oh dear i wish you'd close it this time we're all sinners in god's eyes well
24:21i saw a porno father oh and how did you come to see this susan
24:29maddie left it in the vcr earlier that night we went out to dinner and i i thought he was
24:35taking
24:35me out for a romantic evening just the two of us so i got all dressed up and he didn't
24:42even notice
24:44and then i found out that he had a coupon and that's why he wanted to go out
24:51and father maybe i'm not what he wants anymore
24:57susan i'm sure it's not as bad as all that husbands and wives have different sensibilities
25:04there's a reason the lord made it so that a man can masturbate and a woman cannot
25:10well that's true and as for what you saw god understands that you didn't seek it out
25:16and as long as the man and the woman in the film are married and not using birth control
25:21i don't think you have anything to worry about it wasn't just a man and a woman
25:28there there was another woman too
25:31i see although she wasn't really participating she was just sort of choking the other girl
25:40well maddie is your husband and if one of you is bored in the marriage then the other may wish
25:46to
25:46consider how to address that and ways to make things more exciting remember nothing is wrong
25:53if you don't enjoy it too much well i could certainly try good good so the choking was she upset
26:04by it
26:05or i should probably get home all right to be continued
26:23johnny johnny i found it oh fuck thank god i know i just saved us 80 bucks
26:29wait where was it well it was uh it was in susan's underwear drawer what yeah it was behind the
26:36ones
26:36with the pineapples i don't want to hear about my mom's underpants oh but a diarrhea you bring up
26:40at the drop of a hat teddy do you know what this means mom found genital hospital she knows i
26:48watched
26:48porn oh boy it looks that way i can never face her again we have to run away never to
26:54return i see
26:55no other option i'm gonna miss this house goodbye water stained ceilings goodbye silverware drawer that
27:02doesn't close all the way goodbye windows painted shut goodbye door you have to lean on to close
27:07goodbye peeling wallpaper that reveals other wallpaper goodbye carpet that's never been dry
27:13goodbye unpermitted bathroom addition goodbye lamp that shocks you every time you touch it
27:18goodbye picture of a pope from two popes ago goodbye plastic bag full of plastic bags goodbye medicine
27:24cabinet with black mold in the corner jesus let's get the fuck out of here yeah no shit
27:34we sure would like it if you'd help us with our problem
27:39only problem you've got sheriff is a short supply of guts you people don't need me
27:47look there's a couple good riflemen on top of that building up there
27:51maybe a couple more shotguns down behind rain bags over there if you want what you're watching
27:57high plains drifter it's clint eastwood week oh what's it about oh he's a cowboy but at the end you
28:06realize
28:07he's a ghost but he can still shoot a gun so you know not like he's not a real ghost
28:13maddie honey can we talk about that movie that you were watching yesterday
28:19i can't remember what it was they're they're all kind of the same movie
28:22are you uh entertained by them i'm a guy i mean all guys like them is that what you want
28:32what you see in those movies god no i just i just watch them is there one you like best
28:41i like every which way but loose oh yeah that one's crazy there's a monkey that gives everybody
28:48the finger oh yeah i'd love to see that wow it is getting hot in here
29:00powerful heart we can't run the air conditioner found a dead bird in it repair guy says we gotta
29:05wait till its guts dry out before we run the unit again well i wouldn't know about that i'm just
29:11a girl
29:38what are you doing i wanted a banana
29:41Well, then eat it. Why the hell are you staring at me?
29:46Because I've been bad.
29:48What do you mean, you've been bad?
29:51Oh, Jesus Christ, Susan, is that the last one?
29:53God damn it! Now what am I supposed to have for my snack?
29:59Oh, oh, great, Susan, a Pringles can with one left.
30:02That'll be satisfying.
30:04Ow! Fucking lamp shocked me again!
30:10Yeah?
30:14Monsus, what's up?
30:15Leia, can I talk to you for a minute?
30:18Sure. Yeah, come on in.
30:23What, uh, what's the matter?
30:27Well, last night, Maddie and I went out to dinner.
30:32I got all dressed up.
30:35I rubbed on a Clinique sampler from Red Book.
30:39I don't even think he noticed.
30:41And then when we got home, I turned on the TV.
30:45And I found...
30:48And I found...
30:51What?
30:54A porn.
30:57Oh.
30:58I think Maddie's been watching porns.
31:02Right.
31:02Do you think maybe he doesn't think I'm exciting anymore?
31:09Am I a disappointment?
31:10Am I a disappointment?
31:10No, absolutely not, Ansu's.
31:13Listen to me.
31:13You are probably the most wonderful person that I know.
31:17But if that's what he wants, what can I do?
31:20I don't want to have to choke other women.
31:22Yeah, I don't think you need to...
31:24I'll do it if that's what Maddie was.
31:26No, let's not go down that road.
31:27I'll do what those women did.
31:28I really don't think that's necessary.
31:29I'll even do what Dr. Sausage did in that movie.
31:32I'll do it.
31:33Okay.
31:33I'll do it.
31:34Stop.
31:34Look, this is difficult for me to say, but the tape you found, it's mine.
31:46What?
31:47I'm sorry.
31:48I apologize for being so careless.
31:50I never should have left it in the VCR.
31:52It was stupid.
31:53So is that Maddie's?
31:55No, it's not.
31:57Oh!
31:58Oh, my God!
32:01Oh, I'm so relieved!
32:04I thought Maddie was born with me!
32:07Oh, Blair!
32:11Why did you have a porn?
32:13I would say a porno.
32:15Just hits the ear better.
32:17Why were you watching porno?
32:19Well, okay, in that context, you'd say porn.
32:22See if there's an article in front of it, like an A or a the, it's A porno.
32:27But if not, it's just porn.
32:31I'm just not going to say it anymore.
32:33Okay.
32:34Uh, look, to answer your question, it, um, it was a sorority thing.
32:40We rented a dirty movie.
32:42It was, you know how sororities are.
32:44It's like, um, a prank.
32:45Oh!
32:47Oh, it was a prank.
32:48Yeah.
32:49Oh!
32:50So Maddie and I are just fine!
32:53I would say this one thing isn't a problem, but it's...
32:59Well, I call it a work in progress.
33:01And, for the record, Ansuz, I don't think anybody ever could be bored with you.
33:10Maddie's not great at communication, but unless he's completely blind or insane, I'd bet he still loves you a whole
33:17lot.
33:19Come here.
33:21Oh.
33:25I hope one day you'll find your Maddie.
33:30Oh, that's...
33:32I'm going to be just fine.
33:34Let's pray.
33:36Let's pray.
33:54Where are we going to go, Teddy?
33:55I was thinking Saudi Arabia.
33:57I hear nobody's ashamed to masturbate there.
34:00What do you think they're doing back at the house?
34:02Probably the same thing we're doing, but with a table.
34:05God.
34:06We watched six seconds of porn, and it ruined our lives.
34:10Relax, losers.
34:11Your lives aren't ruined.
34:13Yet.
34:14Where?
34:15Oh, you're a sight for sororities.
34:17You are.
34:17Good Lord, look how you've grown.
34:19How'd you find us?
34:20Harmonic music really carries.
34:23Listen, you don't have to worry about the porno, all right?
34:27I took the heat for you.
34:28What?
34:29I told Aunt Sus that the tape was mine.
34:32You can come home now.
34:33Blair?
34:34You...
34:35You did that for us?
34:37Uh, no.
34:38I really did it for Susan.
34:40She was upset enough because she thought it was Maddie's.
34:42If she found out it was yours, she'd probably cry for a year.
34:45Jesus Christ, Blair.
34:46Thank you so much.
34:47Yeah.
34:48We really owe you big time.
34:50Oh, yeah, you do.
34:51Now, put out your dumb fire and let's get out of here.
34:54I love that plan.
34:55Because you know what?
34:56We got a porno to return.
34:58And I'll tell you one thing.
34:59I would never watch porn again.
35:01Even if it was everywhere.
35:02All the time.
35:03Even if I had, like, a weird little device in my pocket that would give it to me whenever I
35:07wanted so I could jerk off at a moment's notice.
35:08No, never again.
35:13John kept his promise for the next two years.
35:17Then, within five minutes of discovering the internet, he pulled on his penis so hard it damn near came off.
35:26That didn't deter him from masturbating four more times before going to a local urgent care,
35:32where he waited eight hours in line behind dozens of other men who had also nearly pulled their penises off
35:39after discovering the internet.
35:41And now, today, anyone you talk to has jerked off within the last 20 minutes.
35:46This is Ian McKellen, reminding you, don't shake anyone's hand.
35:53Good night.
36:04Oh, you've got a handful of someone dreadful
36:08And yet, alas, that someone adores you
36:13Everybody needs a best friend
36:16I'm happy I'm yours
36:19I'm just a clown
36:22And I'll bring you down
36:25But you just don't care if it's yours
36:32Best friend is me
36:42What the hell?
36:47We're all you
36:48What the hell?
37:05Yeah, I'm not
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