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04:48in our house yeah it's more than doubled in price yeah this is the most irish i've ever felt that
04:54you are yeah i was reading this i'd never heard of this before that we were burning protestants
05:03fair enough i mean yeah we've been watching songs of praise going oh that's a good one
05:11you get a week out of that one now how'd you get the news about the oil prices ad you're
05:17medium wave radio your blackberry we have the internet brought in once a week in buckets
05:26yeah what else might go up in price everything everything everything has got to go up in price
05:31yay mortgage rates are going up aren't they mortgages are going to go up and uh as a millennial can
05:35i
05:36just say ha ha ha ha i just think with the mortgage is going up right it's just like because
05:41you know
05:41boomers are the ones with the mortgages right and if you are a boomer who's struggling to pay your
05:45mortgage just think if maybe you'd bought a few less houses and a few more posh copies you wouldn't
05:49be in this mess yeah well that's a millennial crowd can i say that we're always being criticized of
05:59being like the golden generation because we've earned more money from property than our kids let me tell
06:03you there is nothing golden about having your children live with you forever
06:14it does worry me i wonder if we're going to get to the point where the only way we'll keep
06:18warm we'll
06:19be having borges smothered in deep heat and you'll just pass pass lay-bys in norfolk and there'll be
06:27people rutting in puffin jackets but that happens anyway yeah yeah also people on ozempic and monjaro
06:35they got a lot of hate for a while and now food's so expensive who's laughing now we don't need
06:40it
06:42yeah but you can there's there's ways to like you know there's money-saving ideas to get it cheaper
06:46you know like to get petrol cheaper you just got to find that garage that does it cheaper than all
06:50the other ones haven't you you know i found this one it's 10p cheaper than anywhere else and it's
06:53in carlisle so i just drive there every time how has keir starmer stood up to donald trump
06:59like by not sending uh ships straight away and then offering to send ships but being told that the
07:06war is already won and then not even saying anything when being asked for more ships
07:13we have sent the ship anyway we have you have yeah but it was not it wasn't offensive it's defensive
07:17and it's the hms dragon why is it called a dragon dragons are not water-based animal i think i
07:24think
07:24it's a concession to the welch i think it's a kind of but the welsh isn't a dragon is it
07:28technically no
07:29no it's got a different name and it's got those big legs i don't think that's a dragon either
07:33what is it then i should have listened more on qi the other day
07:38we did a whole year's only like an hour on this this will never come up again
07:44that's fantastic we basically you're bringing second-hand panel show information
07:49i tell them about the news what did they say about it uncat's countdown
07:55when are we doing the prize task this is a class 45 destroyer isn't it and what the thing i
08:02don't
08:02yeah yeah yeah yeah if either me or dara knew that we'd look really suspicious
08:10yeah yeah notoriously they have certain weaknesses that semtex can be jammed into
08:15i think you should send him uh more ships but charge a 60 tariff for each one
08:22i think that's the by the way that's the system the chip the chip that's being sent isn't the one
08:29at the back it's the little white one at the front
08:36i think it's wonderful that he's just sent one battleship because even when you play the game
08:41battleships you have more than that i just love the idea of uh d4 hit right that's done then
08:51moving on before we move on a big shout out to people in cyprus because i was in cyprus last
08:55week because i got there faster than hms dragon
08:58i'd be there and come back like whenever i did a show over there but a big shout out to
09:02the woman
09:02who posted on twitter the day after is there going well thanks to dara breen who actually came unlike fake
09:06billy ocean so i don't know who fake billy ocean is but oh no you you are not welcome back
09:14in cyprus
09:15because you you chickened out of going to cyprus and fake billy ocean is somewhere london going
09:18sounded really dangerous you know and when the going gets tough
09:23fake billy ocean does not go to cyprus so you were there yes so you're our first line of defense
09:29i was
09:31yes briefly i was briefly i was in an advanced position in the current so it's like starmer
09:36basically said we're not sending you a warship we will send you dara o'brien
09:41take your mind off it moving on what's going on here this is my pornography it's a fully dressed
09:49man being kind to animals those two the two ugly alpacas in the background look like they're
09:55bitching about the fit one at the front he always gets he's always pushing the foot i think you'll
10:04find that's white alpacas being radicalized by someone he's disappointed he's like on hinge it
10:10said feisty redhead they're actually becoming increasingly rare in the uk lib dems
10:20what is a lib dem race do they face the same prejudice as bisexuals
10:27this is ed davy being no more mr nice guy he's saying vote lib dem or i will
10:30I'm going to slash this animal's throat.
10:32LAUGHTER
10:34Wow!
10:36Oh!
10:38Ed, see how much that energised the crowd.
10:42This is the known nonsense tough guy they want to see from Ed Davey these days.
10:46Do you mind if we go back...
10:47Great that thing's neck!
10:49Can we go back to talking about the Iran war to lighten the fucking mood?
10:53LAUGHTER
10:55Many viewers are upset by any of the content in tonight's show.
10:58There will be a number at the bottom.
11:01My kids loved alpacas and then Ed came on the television
11:03and talked about alpacas dying.
11:05Why did he do that?
11:06Why did you talk about Alpacas dying?
11:08Because sometimes they have to die.
11:10LAUGHTER
11:10Sometimes they're a menace...
11:12Just for more votes!
11:15Why was he criticised this week, by the way?
11:17Why was Ed Davey criticised?
11:18He's touching up an alpaca!
11:19LAUGHTER
11:21Has he been told to ditch the clown act?
11:24He has, absolutely, yeah.
11:25Yeah, I mean, it's a bit annoying.
11:26I've booked him for my daughter's birthday party.
11:29LAUGHTER
11:30Bringing an alpaca with him, which is going to be a nightmare
11:34in the open-plant kitchen.
11:35Him, at the end, just holding up a severed head of an alpaca.
11:38LAUGHTER
11:38And children are crying and going,
11:40this is the new reality!
11:42This is the new victim!
11:43I mean, they said to ditch the clown act,
11:45but that's his whole thing, isn't it?
11:46Yeah.
11:47Without that, he's got no personality.
11:48He's got the, you know, spirit of a mortgage advisor
11:52trapped...trapped in the body of a sex tourist.
11:54LAUGHTER
11:56Yeah, I think it's really out of order.
11:58He's just a happy guy!
11:59Oh, look at that!
12:00He's got this amazing photograph!
12:03It is!
12:04Honestly, let's just enjoy this...
12:06This not photoshopped, not fake, not AI-slopped,
12:10genuine shot of a political leader,
12:12and everything about it is perfect!
12:13He's living the exact life of everyone
12:16in an advert for incontinence patch.
12:18LAUGHTER
12:19Everything he does is like,
12:21I can still do it all, thanks to tenor!
12:23I can go bungee jumping, paddle boarding,
12:26and all wearing white trousers!
12:28And then Hugh comes in with the...
12:30Oh, look at that!
12:32What a lucky guess!
12:33Yes.
12:34Oh, no, all of the photographs are this.
12:35Every photograph you have of her, Davey, is this,
12:37like the, go on, pick up another one!
12:38There we go!
12:40LAUGHTER
12:40Look, it's lovely!
12:41And all of them, all of them come with loads of tiny texts
12:44about how, do not take money, no, no, no,
12:46if you're also taking this...
12:47LAUGHTER
12:48Counterindications conclude heart attack disease!
12:51It must be annoying to be a Lib Dem donor,
12:53being like,
12:54are you spending the money on campaign literature
12:56and focus groups?
12:57Oh, no, he's put springs on his arse
12:58and gone to Thorpe Park again.
13:00LAUGHTER
13:01Where's Ed?
13:02As he's zonked behind people.
13:04Where's Ed gone?
13:05He's in a giant inflatable ball.
13:06He's rollerblading through Legoland every day.
13:09LAUGHTER
13:11You're seeing somebody on a sex island.
13:12Yeah.
13:13You're seeing somebody at Chessington.
13:16LAUGHTER
13:17Oh, he makes me genuinely feel so happy.
13:19I like him.
13:20And I like the fact that, yeah, you're right,
13:21Epstein would never have replied to an email from him.
13:23He wouldn't have come to his everything.
13:25He'd be like, I don't want to be his friend.
13:27And that's a good sign, I think, isn't it?
13:30Yeah.
13:31They say, do you want to come to the island of grown-up fun?
13:33No.
13:34LAUGHTER
13:37You don't want a massage, you want to go go-karting!
13:40LAUGHTER
13:41At the end of that round, the points go to Ed, Hugh and Sarah!
13:46CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
13:47Join us after the break for more Mock The Week.
13:58Now we play a game called You Think That's Bad.
14:01In a world where everything seems to be going wrong,
14:04there's a chance for a performance to compete,
14:05to outdo each other with tales of woe from their lives
14:07and I decide whose is the worst.
14:09Anyone care to start us off?
14:12I wear the same pants as Peter Mandelson.
14:16LAUGHTER
14:17OK, that's one small clarification, right?
14:20It's an arresting image.
14:22You do need the same brand of pants.
14:24It's not like you don't alternate games.
14:25You're literally the same pants.
14:25I'm intrigued by the fact that you read...
14:27You've looked at the photos from the Epstein file
14:29and recognised the brand of pants and felt...
14:31Well, I don't say I'm wearing them now,
14:33but when I was sort of a teenager,
14:35I wore roughly the same sorts of pants.
14:37I had a slight pant disaster at one point as a teenager
14:40and I had all my pants stolen
14:43and I had to go and buy more pants.
14:45This was the day before I went back to school
14:46and I ended up with like 11 pairs of white pants
14:49and one pair of yellow pants that my mum thought were normal
14:52but on the front, they had a logo that said,
14:54Beware the Beast.
14:57LAUGHTER
14:58Why did you have all your pants stolen?
15:00I don't mean to sound like I'm victim-blaming.
15:02I love this guy.
15:03I don't sound like now that you're famous.
15:05No, no, no.
15:06But when you were in school...
15:08LAUGHTER
15:08Well, look, so my dad was a vicar, right?
15:10So we lived in a...
15:11No, that's enough.
15:13LAUGHTER
15:15That's all I needed to hear.
15:16That was very common.
15:18You think that's bad?
15:20LAUGHTER
15:23I don't have one nearly as bad as any of that.
15:26LAUGHTER
15:26No, we think that's weird.
15:28LAUGHTER
15:29Well, years ago, I used to have the weirdest fetish ever.
15:32I used to steal a vicar's son's pants.
15:34LAUGHTER
15:36And I thought I got away with it too.
15:38LAUGHTER
15:39If you think that's bad,
15:40if your wife suggests you should introduce some toys
15:42into the bedroom, she didn't mean hungry hippos.
15:46LAUGHTER
15:47And they don't like to be called that.
15:48It's Alan and Graham from next door.
15:52LAUGHTER
15:54I asked them to come round in huge pants as well.
15:58LAUGHTER
15:58If you think that's bad, I just bought an apartment in Dubai.
16:03LAUGHTER
16:06If you think that's bad, my cloud got hacked
16:09and my nudes were so unsexy, they got grok to get me dressed.
16:13LAUGHTER
16:14If you think that's bad, I just bought non-refundable tickets
16:17to take Timothee Chalamet to the ballet if he won an Oscar.
16:20LAUGHTER
16:21If you think that's bad,
16:23my children are so addicted to screens at the moment,
16:25the only way I can get them out for a walk
16:27is to lure them out of the house with the router.
16:30LAUGHTER
16:34We can only...
16:36..to a 50-metre extension.
16:3750-metre radius.
16:38LAUGHTER
16:39An extension of some sort.
16:41LAUGHTER
16:41If you think that's bad, I've had so many kids now,
16:43the hospital named some stirrups in my honour.
16:47LAUGHTER
16:48Do you think that's bad?
16:49I had to tell my wife that our skybox is broken
16:52and I was unable to record last week's episode
16:55in order to stop her from watching the derogatory comments
16:58you lot made about what was going on between me
17:01and a French exchange student.
17:03LAUGHTER
17:05APPLAUSE
17:14And the next round is called
17:15Running Out Of He-He-He-He-Heating Oil.
17:18LAUGHTER
17:22This game involves Sarah and Scott.
17:24If you could make your way to the performance area, please.
17:26This round is the stand-up challenge.
17:27I launch the Wheel of News and wherever you choose to stop,
17:29one of our performers will step forward and talk about that subject.
17:32The winner is whoever I think is the funniest.
17:34OK, here we go.
17:35Let's have our first topic, please.
17:38And the first topic is ambition.
17:40Who was the winner of that?
17:41Sarah.
17:43So, I've been thinking a lot recently about Paula Radcliffe
17:46because it's 20 years ago this year.
17:49Paula Radcliffe, of course, an incredible athlete,
17:53exceptional woman.
17:5420 years ago she was running the London Marathon
17:56and she...
17:58Yeah, you remember now.
18:00LAUGHTER
18:00So, you know, she needed the toilet
18:02and she didn't want to lose the time that it would take
18:04to go and do it privately.
18:05And, you know, they're filming it.
18:07It's live television.
18:08And so, she crouched down at the side of the road
18:11and she did it.
18:13Poo.
18:14But then, and this is the important bit,
18:16she then got up and she won the London Marathon.
18:20I know.
18:21And I'm obsessed with it.
18:22I'm obsessed with it because there is nothing I want that much.
18:26LAUGHTER
18:27In terms of, like, your lives, like, your hopes and dreams,
18:30like, your ambitions, the things you'd like to achieve,
18:32is there anything where you think,
18:33yeah, I would do a shit outside in front of everyone
18:37in order to get it?
18:38Because I can't think of anything.
18:39I can't think of anything.
18:40You know, like, postcode lottery, no.
18:42Driving licence, no.
18:44I test myself with scenarios.
18:46So, imagine the other day, I was like,
18:47what if the Academy call me?
18:49And they're like, Sarah, this year at the Oscars,
18:51we will give you the best actor Oscar.
18:55You're not in anything.
18:57It's the male category.
18:59We will read out your name.
19:01All you have to do in the aisle as you're walking up to collect it.
19:04And I would say, no, no, thank you.
19:07Not under those circumstances.
19:09And then I imagine that they're calling me back.
19:11You know, they're trying to persuade me.
19:12They're like, oh, Sarah, no, you wouldn't have to crouch down
19:14and do it in an embarrassing way.
19:16No, you could just do it like a horse.
19:18LAUGHTER
19:21Yeah, so let's not even slow down.
19:23Just sort of have it drop out of your dress.
19:25Yes, on the way up there.
19:27And I'm still saying, no, no, thank you.
19:29I don't know if my lack of ambition is holding back my career.
19:34My husband wants very different things to me.
19:37My husband, he would like a threesome.
19:39That's his ambition.
19:41Yeah, he was like, the other day, he was like...
19:43Oh, he's Australian.
19:46Oh.
19:48You might want to be sexy if we could get some other people involved
19:51in the bedroom.
19:52And I'm like, no, no, no, I can do all of it.
19:55I'll just move my arms and legs quicker.
19:58I'll just whiz around the bed a bit, you know.
20:00I can put on a funny voice, you won't know in the dark, you know.
20:03Touch my tits.
20:05LAUGHTER
20:06Thank you very much, Sarah.
20:08APPLAUSE
20:11That leaves us with Scott.
20:13Let's see what your topic is.
20:14Let's spin the wheel.
20:16OK, the topic is ageing.
20:20OK, I'm 46 now.
20:23You're right not to applaud.
20:26And I've reached the point now where I'm going to the gym
20:28just to maintain where I am.
20:31Which is truly tragic.
20:33I've got a personal trainer, he says,
20:35you're looking to get shredded, you're looking to get ripped.
20:37I was like, no, Jase, I'm looking to get dressed.
20:40That would mean...
20:41I just like to put my socks on without involving my children first.
20:46I don't know what's happened to me.
20:47I'm trying, I'm clinging on.
20:49I went to a post-punk gig recently
20:51and I got in the mosh pit, which was an error.
20:54Because it was just everyone my own age.
20:56At one point we all had our hands in the air,
20:58like an act of defiance.
21:00But what ruined it was a sea of Apple Watchers
21:03warning us we're in a loud environment.
21:06LAUGHTER
21:07You're going to smash the system but you keep it below 85 decibels.
21:11You're not meant to be there.
21:13Because that's the thing that leaves you behind.
21:15My nephew's 19, he's had them holes put in his earlobes, right?
21:19When was that agreed?
21:21LAUGHTER
21:22It makes his face look like a camping ground sheet.
21:25LAUGHTER
21:27I don't know whether to talk to him or peg him down.
21:30I mean...
21:32APPLAUSE
21:35It's like a piece of tarpaulin with opinions.
21:38LAUGHTER
21:39Do you know what that's really good for?
21:41It's measuring the perfect portion of spaghetti.
21:44LAUGHTER
21:46What's that going to look like when he's older?
21:48I suppose he gives somewhere for a nurse to hang a drip, doesn't he?
21:51LAUGHTER
21:53Maybe that's the idea.
21:54But I look at my dad, my dad's in his 70s, he's embracing it, right?
21:58He's stopped caring.
21:59I was there the other week, he was polishing his car with a pair of old underpants.
22:03He said to me, it's better than any cloth.
22:05I said, yeah, but take them off.
22:08LAUGHTER
22:08LAUGHTER
22:10I can't watch you grinding up the side of an Octavia
22:14like a geriatric Beyoncé, it's horrific.
22:17You're doing a slow drop in the alloys, mate.
22:20Like Victoria Beckham at her wedding, I can't have this.
22:24APPLAUSE
22:28But I am trying, I want to leave a legacy for my children,
22:30I'm trying to look after myself and then something happened the other week
22:33and I thought, what's the point?
22:34I was at a gig and another act came up to me and said,
22:36Scott, you look fantastic, have you been training, have you been dieting?
22:40I'd have the neurovirus.
22:42LAUGHTER
22:43I've been shitting myself inside out for a month.
22:46I thought I was going to die and he looked at me and went,
22:50whatever you're doing, keep doing it.
22:52LAUGHTER
22:52That's the best you've ever looked, your cheekbones have come back.
22:56I've given up on the gym, I'm licking handrails outside of walking.
23:00LAUGHTER
23:01More eating in one-star rated restaurants.
23:04I've just ordered a tapeworm on the dark, we're back.
23:07LAUGHTER
23:08Basically, I'm going to shit myself into skinny jeans.
23:11LAUGHTER
23:13Well done.
23:14Point in there and go to Scott Brennan.
23:17Sit down, come on.
23:19Join us after the break for more Mock the Week.
23:30The next round is called, if this is the answer, what is the question?
23:33On the board are six categories.
23:35Scott, which category would you like?
23:36Politics, please.
23:38OK, your topic is politics.
23:39The answer is around £500,000.
23:42What is the question?
23:43How much would I pay to have an uninterrupted poo in my own house?
23:47LAUGHTER
23:49Is it, how much will I win if Prince Andrew becomes the new host of Strictly?
23:54LAUGHTER
23:54Is it, how much do I owe the student loans company for my degree in financial planning?
24:02Is it, what would Christmas have cost me if I got my kids everything they asked for?
24:07LAUGHTER
24:07Is it, of the £10 billion Donald Trump is suing them for, how much would bankrupt the BBC?
24:13LAUGHTER
24:15Is it, what's the going rate to jog a politician's memory?
24:19LAUGHTER
24:20Is it, how much would a million-pound house be worth if Peter Mendelsohn moved in next door?
24:26LAUGHTER
24:28Is it, how much do vets now charge to drain a dog's anal glands?
24:32LAUGHTER
24:33It's a lot. It's a lot.
24:34That is a lot.
24:35If only we could run our houses on the juice that comes out of dogs.
24:38LAUGHTER
24:39I'll do it for free.
24:40It's OK, isn't the word juice, it was the word juice.
24:43Is it, how much was the restaurant find at the end of Ratatouille?
24:48LAUGHTER
24:49Is it, how much of my half-million-pound investment did I lose when I invested in Hoc Trois coin?
24:55LAUGHTER
24:58Is it, how much did my dad think leaving a light on in one room would cost per day?
25:03Is it, how much damage was done when they left my nan in charge of the thermostat at Madame Tussauds?
25:10LAUGHTER
25:10Is it, four people, four nights, summer holidays at centre parks?
25:15Is it, how much is a flight from Abu Dhabi to Heathrow?
25:19LAUGHTER
25:20Is it, how much was Bonnie Blue's last dry cleaning bill?
25:24LAUGHTER
25:26Is it, how much could you make annually from my new cryptocurrency...
25:30huge coin?
25:32LAUGHTER
25:34Is it, how much did I make selling a vicar's son's pants on eBay?
25:37LAUGHTER
25:39Is it, if a busker borrowed your hat, Dara, how much could he bit in it?
25:45LAUGHTER
25:47He's got a big head. Yeah, he's got a massive head.
25:51APPLAUSE
25:53If you go to a money exchange in an airport
25:56and exchange one million British pounds for British pounds, how much do you get?
26:01LAUGHTER
26:02OK, does anyone have the correct answer, please?
26:04How much does it cost to keep my daughter in her various school clubs per month?
26:08LAUGHTER
26:09Dreams are going nowhere.
26:12LAUGHTER
26:13Pointless. Pointless.
26:15How much has Sarah Pascoe turned down to poo in public?
26:19LAUGHTER
26:21Is it actually, is it, how much did Peter Mandelson ask for as a severance pay?
26:27Absolutely right, thank you very much, Ed. Thank you.
26:29APPLAUSE
26:31Yes, the question I was looking for is, what did Peter Mandelson request as severance payment
26:36after he was sacked as UK ambassador to the United States?
26:39This is news that information about the negotiations was included in the release
26:42of a 147-page collection of documents on Mandelson's appointment
26:45and subsequent removal, following the emergence of more details
26:48about his friendship with Jeffrey Epstein.
26:50Peter Mandelson has continually denied any wrongdoing.
26:53Could we have written a more fucking wordy way?
26:56LAUGHTER
26:57Fucking hell.
27:00So what was the outcome of all this?
27:02The outcome was he asked for half a million and they gave him about 70 grand.
27:06Which just shows us the shit-hot negotiator we lost.
27:10LAUGHTER
27:11That's what you got to do, man. I asked for 500 grand to do this show from TLC.
27:15Sure, I didn't get it, but I got £10 an episode
27:18and an appointment with Dr Pimple Popper.
27:21LAUGHTER
27:21He said the reason he asked for £500,000 was because, what he said was,
27:25the actions of his majesty's government have permanently damaged his employability.
27:31Oh!
27:33He's 72. What, is he going to miss out on an internship now because of this?
27:37LAUGHTER
27:38I think we don't want to see, like, what he got.
27:40We should be able to see how he asked for it.
27:43You know, I want to see dragons, I'm asking for £500,000 now...
27:47LAUGHTER
27:48..to never work again due to my links to an international super nonce.
27:53LAUGHTER
27:55..alleged super nonce.
27:57No, I think we know that Epstein was a super nonce.
27:59I just want to...
28:01He's not going to see us from beyond the grave.
28:03LAUGHTER
28:04It's a bold move. I almost respect him.
28:07Like, would I let him take my daughter on holiday?
28:09No, but he could get a John Lewis refund.
28:12LAUGHTER
28:12He's going to make his real money in podcasts, though, isn't he?
28:15Oh, yeah.
28:16It's so obvious that no-one's going to get any consequences
28:18and he's going to start a podcast with Andrew called The Rest Is Redacted.
28:22LAUGHTER
28:26It's like me, I complained about a pizza at Domino's
28:29and I was on the phone sort of back and forth for about 20 minutes
28:32and then in the end they said,
28:33do you want some dough balls?
28:35And I just went, deal!
28:36And that was... I knew when I'd won, you know.
28:40You've got Pizza Express dough balls from Domino's.
28:42That is power!
28:44LAUGHTER
28:45Well, did you want to just pretend you'd been a Pizza Express
28:47because it might be useful as an alibi later?
28:50LAUGHTER
28:50It's where people go!
28:52It's where people go!
28:56This picture came out, you know, during all this...
28:59Honestly, you know, that's it, there you go.
29:01This looks like the eye view of the terrified child
29:03who's come to collect their ball they've kicked over the fence.
29:06LAUGHTER
29:07I find quite gratifying that these, like, these, this rich,
29:11powerful cabal of men who are, like, secretly basically running the world,
29:15the elite, and they have the same chair and table you can buy from P&Q for 500 quid.
29:22LAUGHTER
29:22That's what they're saying, it's a display model,
29:24we'll never sell it now, get off it.
29:27LAUGHTER
29:28Finally, an image more disturbing than when I caught my mum doing reverse cowgirl.
29:32LAUGHTER
29:37Is Andrew vaping?
29:39He looks like he's vaping.
29:40He'll do anything to impress a teenager.
29:42Did you say vaping?
29:43LAUGHTER
29:45Vaping, yeah?
29:46Yeah, I did say vaping.
29:48He's allegedly vaping.
29:49Allegedly, he is a vapist.
30:00No, no, no, no, no.
30:03There's a lawyer with a pen going...
30:05LAUGHTER
30:09It wasn't allegedly in there.
30:11LAUGHTER
30:12At the end of that round, the points are going to Scott, Rhys and Catherine!
30:16APPLAUSE
30:19The next round is called...
30:21Audience Question Time.
30:22We throw ourselves open to the studio audience and invite them to ask us questions on any topic.
30:26First up, is there a Nicky here, by the way?
30:28Hey, Nicky, how are you?
30:29I'm good, how are you?
30:30I'm very well, thanks for asking.
30:31And what question do you have for everyone here?
30:33What do you think is really overrated?
30:36QI.
30:38LAUGHTER
30:39It's just facts being explained slowly.
30:41I mean, honestly...
30:41People can't even remember them, what's the point?
30:44LAUGHTER
30:45Any podcast that won't have me as a guest...
30:49..instantly becomes overrated.
30:51Surely there's no-one that wouldn't have you as a guest.
30:53There's loads, yeah.
30:54Off-menu can go fuck itself.
30:56LAUGHTER
30:59Video doorbells.
31:00People say they're amazing because you can check in on them wherever you are,
31:03so you can be on a beach, you know, watching someone burgle your house...
31:08..and all you can do is try and persuade them to stop.
31:12LAUGHTER
31:12On your holidays going, no, no, I'm just upstairs.
31:15I'm just inconvenienced at the moment.
31:17Please don't take my son's pants again!
31:19LAUGHTER
31:21They're holding up the stuff they're robbing like that.
31:22Have you got the charger for this?
31:25LAUGHTER
31:26I've got a similar thing.
31:27I think it's overrated.
31:28I think camera phones are overrated.
31:30I think looking at pictures of yourself actually makes you feel much worse about yourself,
31:34much more critical.
31:35I know that younger women look at women my age and older and think,
31:37oh, why are you walking around?
31:40You know, you look terrible.
31:42LAUGHTER
31:42Why don't you care about it?
31:44And the reason is that, like, when we were growing up,
31:45we had our photographs taken once a year at school,
31:49twice if someone brought an owl in.
31:51LAUGHTER
31:52For me, the most overrated thing is, like, productivity gurus
31:56and, like, cold shower people who, like, Wim Hoffit and do all of that,
31:59cold shower in the morning.
32:00Cos they always say it's got all these benefits having a cold shower,
32:02ice-cold shower.
32:03They're like, it really wakes you up in the morning.
32:04I'm like, yeah, of course it does.
32:05It's pouring ice-cold water on yourself.
32:07That's how they wake up hostages.
32:09LAUGHTER
32:10That's a cuckoo clock in Guantanamo Bay.
32:11I'm a free man.
32:12I can do it.
32:13And then they'll be like, oh, it reduces stress.
32:15It's like, oh, does it?
32:16You know what I find stressful?
32:16Breathless goosebumps and a fully retracted penis.
32:19LAUGHTER
32:20You really hit your targets.
32:22That's because I've been waterboarding.
32:23Yes, exactly.
32:24LAUGHTER
32:25Thank you very much, Iggy.
32:27APPLAUSE
32:27OK, for the next question there's a Will somewhere in the audience.
32:30Hey, Will, how are you?
32:31What question do you have for everyone?
32:33What news would you most like to hear at the moment?
32:36Oh, Will...
32:37I would love to hear that Greenland and Canada
32:40have launched a successful invasion of America.
32:43LAUGHTER
32:48I really want sort of things for my friends,
32:51so I'd like Ed to get on off-menu and Rhys to get on QI.
32:55LAUGHTER
32:56I'd love to hear that Trump has been an elaborate hoax by Derren Brown.
33:00LAUGHTER
33:01And I'd love that to be revealed by new Mock the Week host Rhys James.
33:06LAUGHTER
33:07I would like my teenage daughter to bring down the cups and bowls
33:10she's got in her bedroom.
33:12Yeah, cos at the moment we're a one-bowl family.
33:16LAUGHTER
33:17We're just passing it back and forth.
33:20LAUGHTER
33:21And, you know, I'm sick of eating my Weetabix out of a wok.
33:26Oh, you said bowls. I thought you said bones.
33:29Cups and bones. Cups and bones.
33:31Cups and bones.
33:31No, there could be bones up there.
33:32I'll be honest with you, I wouldn't be surprised.
33:34It's like an archaeological dig under her bed at the moment.
33:38How old is she?
33:39Fifteen.
33:40Oh, yeah, yeah.
33:41Good luck.
33:42They're pure evil.
33:43They're on TikTok so much, they're like instruments of the Chinese government
33:46at this point.
33:47LAUGHTER
33:47But they do bring them down.
33:49Is she has to leave them even near the dishwasher?
33:51No, they're inside the door of the kitchen.
33:53Magical fairies will take them from there to wherever.
33:55Oh, you wait till you get a husband.
33:58LAUGHTER
33:59That's the dream, Sarah.
34:01LAUGHTER
34:02He's out there somewhere.
34:04LAUGHTER
34:04My job is, there's a radiator and there's just cups and bowls
34:07the entire way along the radiator.
34:08Yeah!
34:09Maybe unchain her from it, then.
34:12LAUGHTER
34:16Thank you very much.
34:17And thank you all for joining us.
34:20Join us again after the break.
34:27APPLAUSE
34:30The next line is called Between the Lines and features Hugh and Rhys.
34:34So, would you make your way to the press pit, please?
34:36Rhys delivers a speech in the guise of a leading figure on the world stage,
34:39while Hugh translates what they really mean.
34:40This week, Rhys is Ed Miliband.
34:45He's still knocking about, is he?
34:49Hello.
34:50Remember me?
34:50I am the political equivalent of tennis's Jamie Murray.
34:57LAUGHTER
35:01I know how effective wind is as an energy source.
35:04I am full of hot air.
35:08I am the choice of the party to replace Keir Starmer.
35:11Hard to believe, I know.
35:15We must learn to say no to Donald Trump.
35:18Especially when the question is, would you like a bacon sandwich?
35:22LAUGHTER
35:23I am one of the few faces in the Cabinet that people recognise.
35:27They think I'm Wallace.
35:28LAUGHTER
35:30Chuck in cheese, Gromit.
35:33LAUGHTER
35:33Thank God you said that, I thought you meant Greg Wallace.
35:36LAUGHTER
35:37People mock my ideas as crazy.
35:40I won't be laughing when I'm driving my cheese-powered car
35:42to my house made of wool.
35:44Whoop-whoop!
35:46The Tories, of course...
35:48Whoop-whoop!
35:48OK.
35:50Whoop-whoop!
35:52The Tories...
35:53OK.
35:55Why is your internal monologue interrupting your external monologue?
36:00Hugh, will you please let me continue my dream of pretending to be Ed Miliband?
36:04LAUGHTER
36:06Whoop-whoop!
36:08I'm all about net zero.
36:10That is my current approval rating.
36:12LAUGHTER
36:13Sadly, it is true that there are people in other countries who really hate us.
36:18My brother still isn't speaking to me.
36:21Oil rig workers seem very keen for me to re-explore the North Sea.
36:25They kept trying to throw me out of their helicopter.
36:27LAUGHTER
36:28I want to reassure you, the Iran conflict will not affect your energy bills.
36:33I want to!
36:34LAUGHTER
36:35But I can't!
36:36We are doomed!
36:37Sell up!
36:38Burn your furniture!
36:40Live in a tent!
36:43Oh-oh!
36:45Thank you very much.
36:48APPLAUSE
36:54Now we come to scenes we like to see, so if everyone can make their way over to the performance
36:59area, please.
37:00I'll read out this week's topics and we'll see what our panellists can come up with.
37:03OK, here we go.
37:03The first subject is...
37:06The first subject is to hear on a property show.
37:09Well, despite looking rundown, dated and a bit sad, with just a bit of TLC, we can get him back
37:15in his chair pressing his little buzzer.
37:17LAUGHTER
37:20APPLAUSE
37:21Well, now it's time for a lick of paint and a sniff of glue.
37:26LAUGHTER
37:29A real fixer-upper, but the economy's bad and I decided to move in with him anyway.
37:35LAUGHTER
37:36It has some wonderful period features. The kitchen even has its own cholera outbreak.
37:42LAUGHTER
37:44Now, look at those wonderful exposed beams. Now, if the roof hadn't caved in, you wouldn't have seen those.
37:51LAUGHTER
37:53Well, they're renovating another property they've bought for a pound, but have they paid too much?
37:58Find out in Amanda and Alan's Chernobyl job.
38:03LAUGHTER
38:04With its sea views, excellent transport links and beautiful luxury accommodation, Epstein Island really is...
38:12LAUGHTER
38:13..a jewel in the crown.
38:15LAUGHTER
38:17OK, which one of the two is your least favourite?
38:19Right, well, don't send that one to private school and you can afford this flat.
38:22LAUGHTER
38:24Today, we're going to be answering the most important question when buying a house.
38:29Why are estate agents such twats?
38:34Welcome to Homes Under The Hammer. This week, it's Eamonn, and the hammer is a sledgehammer.
38:40LAUGHTER
38:42Well, I've pebbled-dashed the wall. I'm sorry about that, but I do feel a lot better.
38:47LAUGHTER
38:49And this property actually has its own blue plaque. I don't know much about the guy, but I like the
38:53name Harold and seems he was some sort of sailor or ship man.
38:57LAUGHTER
38:58LAUGHTER
38:59Welcome to Gran Designs. And here she is. Well, Gran, what have you designed...
39:05LAUGHTER
39:0821-year-old Callum is doing a fantastic job on this barn conversion. He's got the drawings done, the builders
39:14are on standby, and now it's the tricky part of the project, waiting for his parents to die.
39:20LAUGHTER
39:22Now, this one is a bit out of your price range, but we've got a handy trick to knock a
39:26few grand off the asking price. We've spray painted the word nonce on the garage.
39:31LAUGHTER
39:32I think they're going to love this next house. It's nearer school, it's everything they wanted, and it's in the
39:39country. One problem. That country is Tajikistan.
39:44LAUGHTER
39:46Homes Under The Hammer, a programme aimed at entrepreneurs, but watched mainly by the unemployed, in their underpants, sitting in
39:54rented accommodation.
39:55LAUGHTER
39:58John here is looking for a new premises for his thesaurus shop, and it's all about location, position, whereabouts.
40:05LAUGHTER
40:07Now, the primary bedroom does have en-suite potential, if you're willing to take a shit in the wastebasket.
40:14LAUGHTER
40:17Right. So, apparently, that was a retaining wall.
40:22LAUGHTER
40:25I know people don't like estate agents, but we are trustworthy. Now, in answer to your question, no, this flat
40:29does not have subsidence.
40:30You're going to be...
40:31LAUGHTER
40:33They've broken through the pelvic floor and breathed new life into this old fallopian tube.
40:39LAUGHTER
40:39That's all coming up this week on Changing Wounds.
40:43LAUGHTER
40:44The next topic is...
40:46Things you don't want a relative to say.
40:49Oh, oh, sorry, sorry, you have to be on the step.
40:51What's on the step? You've got to be on the step, Ed, you've got to be on the step.
40:53You're not to blame, Ed. I know I'm not.
40:56You're not to blame.
40:56You're not to blame.
40:57Changing when I say the thing, and then you walk in.
41:00All right. Sorry, I've never done this show before.
41:01LAUGHTER
41:03Things you don't want a relative to say.
41:07Not you, Ed.
41:08LAUGHTER
41:11APPLAUSE
41:15No, in real life, Dara's a cunt.
41:23Every third generation has a tiny penis. Your grandfather had one.
41:28LAUGHTER
41:31Hand jobs aren't incest, are they?
41:35LAUGHTER
41:37You look so much like your father, which is lucky, cos he's just got a speeding fine.
41:43LAUGHTER
41:45Can I ask some advice?
41:46How long are you supposed to wait before you say, I love you, for the first time?
41:49Cos it's been 34 years, Dad, just say it.
41:53LAUGHTER
41:54We're so excited to meet your girlfriend. Your dad's been a subscriber for months.
42:01LAUGHTER
42:03This has been in our family for generations, and now I'm passing it on to you, son.
42:08Congratulations. You're going to be bold before you're 30.
42:12LAUGHTER
42:13Sorry. Sorry.
42:15A family that plays together, stays together.
42:18Who's up for Naked Twister?
42:21LAUGHTER
42:22OK, can I open another present? What's it going to be?
42:24Oh, it's rice. I hate Uncle Ben.
42:27LAUGHTER
42:29Oh, yeah, no, we've done the DNA, so we are 30% Anglo-Saxon, 25% Scandinavian
42:35and 15% sheep.
42:37Baa!
42:37LAUGHTER
42:40While you are under my roof, you will examine my stool samples.
42:44LAUGHTER
42:46Well, I'm sorry, son, but in this family, we support Tottenham Hotspur.
42:51LAUGHTER
42:54I've got bad news about your father.
42:56He's Robert Jenrick.
42:59LAUGHTER
43:02Oh, I used to change your nappies, fill them with heroin
43:07and take you over the border.
43:09LAUGHTER
43:11I just wish Mum and Dad were here to see this, but, er...
43:15They couldn't be arsed.
43:18LAUGHTER
43:20Your Uncle David died doing what he loved.
43:23Your Auntie Janet.
43:25LAUGHTER
43:27Yeah, it was a really difficult birth.
43:29I mean, he's absolutely huge, the full 30 pounds,
43:31completely ripped me in shreds, but, er, we've thought of a name.
43:34Dara O'Brien.
43:35LAUGHTER
43:38APPLAUSE
43:40Well done, darling.
43:42You're finally going to be on Mock the Week.
43:44And it's not on the BBC.
43:47LAUGHTER
43:49The bad news is, it's hereditary.
43:52The good news is, you're adopted!
43:55LAUGHTER
43:57I'll just clean the table before you sit down.
44:01Your grandfather messed it up when he was railing me on it earlier.
44:05LAUGHTER
44:07God, I hate you, Dad.
44:08You're the worst dad in the world.
44:10You're even worse than that dad from Outnumbered.
44:15APPLAUSE
44:17At the end of that round, the points are going to Scott, Rhys and Catherine.
44:24CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
44:25And that's the end of the show.
44:26This week's winners are Ed Byrne, Hugh Dennis and Sarah Pascoe.
44:30CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
44:32Commiserations to Catherine Ryan, Rhys James and Scott Bennett.
44:36CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
44:45All around the world I hope
44:48Don't believe that everything you can see out here
44:54Read on the body
44:56Read on the body
44:59This is the world
45:01This is the world
45:02This is the world
45:06To be performed
45:06You seem to be alive
45:06Flёх
45:06You're a Gemma
45:06You're a Gemma
45:06You are gonna be
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