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The Dyers Caravan Park S01E06 Home Truths NOW 1 H 264
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00:01The following programme contains strong language.
00:10Someone comes up and they say, I'm new. What's the second chance about?
00:13Where are you from, darling, first of all?
00:14Little Groves.
00:15Oh, OK. What are you doing here, darling?
00:17Shouldn't you be over the other side?
00:18Well, this is a better clubhouse. I thought I'd come over here.
00:20Yeah, it is a better side. So why haven't you got a van here?
00:21Why don't you go over there?
00:23For now.
00:23Go and buy a chalet and then come back here.
00:25And do you know what I'll do?
00:26You can play on the house.
00:27No, no, no. No, no, no, no, no.
00:33Previously, my beloved billboard had to come down.
00:37Is it good publicity?
00:38No.
00:40It surely isn't signed off.
00:42Neither the residents nor the council were buying our playground plans.
00:46Swell Borough Council. This is a disaster.
00:49One friend's come out and cut it down with a chainsaw.
00:53And as our first challenging season comes to an end...
00:56It's daunting.
00:57I don't want to let these people down.
00:59We must decide what our future looks like on Priory Hill.
01:04It's not sustainable to continue doing events that cost that much.
01:08Won't happen again.
01:09You ain't gonna be able to promise all them people or all them fiends.
01:11It's not sustainable tonight.
01:12Oh, go hand in hand.
01:16Hand in hand for a bear.
01:19I'm part like...
01:28I'm part like...
01:29Ha ha ha ha, stayin' alive.
01:33Stayin' alive.
01:34Ha ha ha ha, stayin' alive, stayin' alive.
01:39That's the problem. That's all anybody ever remembers.
01:42It's a legal business requirement for holiday parks
01:44to be able to provide first aid.
01:47We booked in a refresher to get us up to speed.
01:49And then swap over and do it all again.
01:52Go on, you have a go.
01:53You like a brush from that?
01:56Just... You all right, Danny?
01:57We're gonna have to do some CPR on you, bro.
01:59I was a little bit worried earlier when you said wanking gets him out of breath.
02:02Everyone back, we're gonna shock.
02:03That makes me feel sick.
02:06I've actually just thrown up in my mouth.
02:09Don't touch him, though.
02:10Charging. Be clear of the patient.
02:13Make sure no-one's touching, Danny.
02:15Deliver shock now.
02:16Stand away!
02:18Shock delivered.
02:20Start CPR.
02:22There you go.
02:24And you'll be pumping for two minutes between shots.
02:28That's a lot, isn't it?
02:30Usually takes multiple shots.
02:32I'm just consoling him for the ambulance to arrive.
02:34He came back to life. He's good.
02:36Happy days.
02:36Major trolls, he's lost his arms and legs, but he's gonna survive.
02:45Let's try a quick one on you, just to illustrate the point.
02:47Come to scene. Unconscious casualty.
02:50Every five to ten seconds, the mouth opens and the tongue comes forward.
02:54My arms might be going as well.
02:57What's going on?
02:58Ecstasy.
02:59No.
03:00Or maybe, I do not know.
03:01Good pill, that'd be.
03:02I'm actually dead.
03:03Oh, you're brown bread?
03:04Oh, yeah.
03:04It's called agonal breathing, or agonal breathing.
03:06It occurs in about 40% of cardiac arrest cases.
03:09Oh, my God.
03:09And people mistake it for...
03:11So it's more muscles doing it.
03:12It's the brain shutting down, hypoxia, lack of oxygenated blood to the brain.
03:15Sorry, we've got a bit of a problem.
03:17It's the ladies who's having some sort of fucking stroke.
03:19Oh, well.
03:20What's happened?
03:23Unbelievably, an actual medical emergency interrupts the class.
03:28I assume this is real, not for the camera.
03:31Yeah, no, this is not for the camera.
03:32OK.
03:33Well, we've got our first aid actually coming in to talk to you, all right?
03:39Hello, dear.
03:39I'm Jeremy.
03:40Can you tell me what's happening?
03:42I think Eleanor said it might be a stroke.
03:43They're coming on blue lights for her, so...
03:46Yeah.
03:49Yeah, lucky easier.
03:50Fucking timing, that was...
03:53It's all right, dear.
03:54We're here for you.
03:56We're just waiting for the ambulance service.
03:59You get a few bits and pieces like this from time to time.
04:02People tend to call us before they call for emergency services,
04:06if you know what I mean, and we come out and go,
04:08we need the ambulance or whatever.
04:10Yeah, this is exactly why it's so important for us to have first aid training.
04:13It's important that Danny and Danny have it as well, yeah,
04:15because they'll have to deal with instances like this, I'm sure.
04:17Finally.
04:18Fucking thank the Lord.
04:19I think they're coming up the road now.
04:20Thank the Lord, the pub.
04:22There's no rush, is it?
04:24Oh, come on.
04:26Yeah.
04:26The buggy does faster than that.
04:28Yeah, isn't it?
04:30We'll go on, Mark, go in, to the fuck's sake.
04:36Here, come on.
04:38It's up there.
04:39Blankton's up in the road.
04:44Fimble squash is all right.
04:48Hello, darling.
04:48Are you all right?
04:51Take a breath.
04:52Are we okay?
04:53Yeah, thank you for that.
04:54Yeah, happy to oblige.
04:55Yeah.
04:56What's the chances?
04:57Right.
04:58Big breath.
04:59Stiff orange and lemonade.
05:00Or maybe a larmin soda.
05:09Do you want me to cut up some paper for you?
05:11Has it you only got one colour?
05:13It's a bit rubbish, isn't it?
05:15We promised the kids a playground, but had faced nothing but problems.
05:22After having our preferred sights of Nuts Farm and then behind the clubhouse vetoed,
05:28we'd finally settled on Priory, as far away from residence as possible.
05:37Never hurt yourself with them, could you?
05:39I just didn't have the heart to tell the kids that the council still wouldn't approve it.
05:48Don't, but, you know, never, never sniff glue.
05:52It's naughty.
05:53Yeah, it'll stick to your nose.
05:54It'll stick to your nose.
05:55And it'll give you some issues later on.
05:56You have complications with your breathing.
05:59We only get in for you.
06:01You're bored?
06:03Yeah.
06:06I think, you know what?
06:09If anything, I think the park is essential.
06:12Oh, my God, absolutely.
06:13It's very important that we keep these kids out there.
06:16Because these lot are the future of British holidays.
06:19They need to fall in love with caravans and shallows and the idea of it.
06:23And then they, later on, will keep the British holiday alive.
06:28Yeah.
06:32We can't let the kids down, Danny.
06:35Hi there.
06:35Hi, Danny.
06:36So we've drafted in some expert help.
06:39What is biodiversity net gain?
06:43Because it winds me up, that word.
06:44Yeah, there was a lot of that on the website.
06:46A lot of that, a lot of biodiversity.
06:48I'm assuming it's about some sort of sanitation.
06:52No.
06:52No, of course it ain't.
06:53No, it's about increasing biodiversity.
06:57If you're taking something away from the environment,
07:01you're putting something back in.
07:03But I think with this scheme, I think you will be in the de minimis exception.
07:07The what, the exception?
07:08It's de minimis.
07:09De minimis?
07:10De minimis, yes.
07:11It's an exception where you don't need to make a contribution.
07:14It's just words, isn't it?
07:16It's another hurdle to get through.
07:17It's just words that this is what they do, these people, right?
07:20Not you, Rach.
07:20I can tell that you're one of me.
07:22I may be a woman brought up on a council estate, same as me.
07:25No.
07:27Okay.
07:28Can you have a little pipe in here for me, Rach?
07:29Yeah, of course.
07:30Just tell me what the...
07:31Because really, well, we're trying to do a good thing for young people.
07:34Yeah.
07:34And I've got all this bollocks.
07:37We need to get a park up.
07:39I don't care what it takes.
07:40Is there any hands I need to grease?
07:42Because, you know, I don't mind, you know.
07:46No, it doesn't work that way with planning.
07:48Well, you say that, there's a lot of corrupt bollocks going on at the moment, but this isn't a political
07:52meeting.
07:53But that's politicians.
07:54So, in the planning world, we would need to address the criticisms that the council have raised.
08:01You're really political at the minute, aren't you?
08:03You're watching too much question time.
08:05Question time?
08:05No, I don't watch it no more.
08:06It fucking winds me up.
08:07All liars.
08:09So, we will produce amended plans, any other supporting documents that need to go in with the application submission
08:17and get the application submitted.
08:19Sounds like a long, old process.
08:21It can be, and that's months.
08:23So, worst case scenario, that is what would happen.
08:26What's the alternative, then?
08:27The alternative is, there is a process where you apply for retrospective planning consent,
08:32where you've already put up the facility, and then you submit an application and get consent.
08:38Amazing.
08:39So, that's what we're going to do, then, I think.
08:42Retrospective consent.
08:44Okay.
08:45And we want to, like, leave something here, do you know?
08:47Yeah.
08:48Is that a bit anal, or...?
08:49Not anal.
08:49Anal?
08:50Why are you talking about anal?
08:50You go testicles, I don't know.
08:52No.
08:53Not anal.
08:54No.
08:54I've got...
08:55We'll go with legacy.
08:57No, I know.
08:57She does get embarrassed.
08:58Don't worry.
08:59She does talk about anal quite a lot.
09:05It is a nuts down here, though.
09:07You can't beat it, look.
09:09Oh, why put the top on?
09:11Well, because they said I look too sexy.
09:15I chose to say.
09:17LAUGHTER
09:18LAUGHTER
09:18LAUGHTER
09:19LAUGHTER
09:22MUSIC
09:23MUSIC
09:23MUSIC
09:24MUSIC
09:25Look at this one, aren't we?
09:26Look at that, look.
09:27How's it going?
09:28No, listen, I come in here, obviously, because, um...
09:31wanted to hold my hands up, I suppose.
09:33Er...
09:34You know, the old advertising board, which, um...
09:36You know, he's had the hump about it a little bit,
09:38just in the sense of what I was trying to create,
09:41which was awareness...
09:43And a target.
09:46Someone drew a cock on me now, as we know.
09:48So, anyway, it's had to be taken down,
09:50but I've paid money for that trailer
09:54for the rest of the year.
09:56It's your... it's your thing.
09:57I've paid for it.
09:59You come up with your own board.
10:01You got any ideas about it?
10:03I mean, cos...
10:03Just a bit more simple, not so busy,
10:06but informative, you know?
10:07Chalets, caravans, per se.
10:08You gonna put your own boats on it?
10:10No.
10:10No boats?
10:11No faces?
10:12Faceless?
10:13Yeah, yeah, yeah.
10:14OK, so you're gonna just put...
10:15A phoenix picture of a caravan or a seafront or something.
10:18A bit of seafront, right, OK.
10:20Do you know what?
10:21I can't wait to see it.
10:23Honestly.
10:25Thanks.
10:26All right, none of me getting involved.
10:28You's free.
10:29I can't wait to see it.
10:30Yeah, nice.
10:31Lovely.
10:31Be fucking better than it is, won't it?
10:33Mm-hmm.
10:49While our medical emergency was back home on the mend...
10:53So these wasn't big caravans when I come here.
10:56We welcomed a VIP visitor and priory resident of old,
11:01me mother-in-law.
11:02Come on, do you fancy a swim?
11:04Have you got your, er...
11:05Oh, I've got me knickers on.
11:06Yeah, it's going in your drawers, darling.
11:08We're going in your drawers.
11:10Well, I bet the sea ain't changed, is it?
11:12Yeah.
11:12Same old sea.
11:13Obviously, there's more shit in it now.
11:15Really?
11:16No, they pumped the shit in the sea, isn't it?
11:17That's what they're doing at the moment.
11:20I bet it was clean.
11:21I bet you could drink it in your day, Carl.
11:23It brings back so much to me.
11:26Yeah.
11:26This was my childhood holiday.
11:29Yes.
11:29Yeah.
11:30With my nan.
11:31Memories.
11:32Oh, I love it.
11:33I love it.
11:34Oh, nan.
11:35They're lovely.
11:36All right, let's get her a chalet now.
11:38You're emotional, nan.
11:40Oh, nan, don't.
11:42Don't get upset.
11:47It's a lot to be upset, though, babe.
11:48You're reminiscing.
11:49It's beautiful.
11:50It's beautiful.
11:55It's happy memories.
11:56They're happy tears.
11:57That's what they are.
11:58As an 11-year-old girl, you probably stood here
12:01and looked out at that sea.
12:03Happy memories.
12:04Happy, exactly.
12:05Young.
12:05Happy memories.
12:06Yeah.
12:11Hello, babe.
12:12You all right?
12:14Seeing how much joy this sight gave Carl as a kid
12:18made us even more determined to get a playground in the earth.
12:22We decided to defy the council and build it without permission.
12:30There we go.
12:31Wow.
12:41There they are, the old crafters. Look at them.
12:43Come on, boys.
12:45Obviously, guys, it's a construction site, so we've got to make you wear high vis.
12:47Oh, yes, certainly.
12:48We've got you some nice ones with your name, John.
12:49Naturally.
12:50Thanks, babe.
12:53Wow.
12:54Come on in.
12:55I managed to make this for you as well, guys.
12:57Stop.
12:58Look.
12:59I love that.
12:59Look at that.
12:59On your giant playhouse when that comes up.
13:02That is so cool.
13:02This is going to go over.
13:03Oh, Dyer's dead.
13:04What do you think?
13:05No-one better spray a cock on the top of this.
13:09No, I've had a bit of aggravation with me advertising board, mate.
13:12Yeah.
13:12Let's just hope that we get a bit of respect for this.
13:14People have done something nice, and they're not going to do that.
13:16Well, I'd like to think so, darling.
13:17Yeah, they're not going to do that.
13:17We're living in a mad time, mate.
13:18Everyone's got the hump.
13:19Let me walk you around.
13:20The kids are going to love this.
13:22I've never been this excited over a park.
13:24Me too.
13:24I'm, like, so overwhelmed by it.
13:26They ain't got nothing like this here.
13:28No, they ain't.
13:29They're going to absolutely love this.
13:31I'm so happy.
13:32Is it the way you envisioned it?
13:33Even better.
13:34When we spoke.
13:35Honestly, even better.
13:36When you have kids, like, you don't realise how much you appreciate a park.
13:39Like, they just love it, you know?
13:41Like, it's the best thing for them.
13:43You all right, kids?
13:44You excited about all this?
13:45You looking forward to this park?
13:47Definitely.
13:48Good boy.
13:48That's what I like to hear.
13:49The only thing is, you're not allowed to wear that top when you're playing on the, er...
13:53Yeah!
13:55God bless you.
13:57Needed to be one of the Tottenham shirt, though, didn't it?
13:59Of all teams.
13:59Had to be, didn't it?
14:00Of all teams.
14:01Thank you so much.
14:01It's your worst team, isn't it, Dad?
14:03I'll let you crack on.
14:03See you later, darling.
14:05Oh, how lovely.
14:08See you later, boys.
14:09Thank you so much.
14:11You know what I think about?
14:13What was the 200 grand one?
14:15I want to know what that was.
14:17What would it have brought?
14:17What would it have been?
14:18Well, that's what I'm saying.
14:20Let's just hope the council don't see it.
14:21Yeah?
14:28To draw in the crowds for the playground opening?
14:32Oh, nicely.
14:33Take them off of the team, ain't ya?
14:34Darren was keen to shoot a promo with club mascot, Bodie the Bear.
14:39You've got to try and get that under you.
14:41How am I going to do that?
14:42Take your hand back out of one of them.
14:44Dressing up as a bear?
14:45No, that's not for me at all.
14:47No.
14:47Don't like it.
14:47Never wanted to do it.
14:49Never.
14:49Since day one.
14:50Everyone else wanted to go in it, didn't they?
14:51Like, I'll have a go, I'll have a go, I'll have a go.
14:53Realised pretty quickly that it was horrible.
14:55Get the table set up.
15:00So, I was thinking first, if we start you at the side of the stage.
15:06So, if we get you just walking along, swinging your arms.
15:14I know you don't want to be in there.
15:16You're coming across, making Bodie miserable.
15:18It's horrible.
15:20Do a little laugh, maybe.
15:21A little jolly belly laughing.
15:23That's it.
15:24Now, it seems like you're smiling now.
15:26Perfect.
15:27Right, action.
15:28Static waving.
15:30Just jumping up and down with your hands in the air.
15:36Yeah, see, you're getting it now, aren't you?
15:38You seem a bit jollier now.
15:43Right, we're done here.
15:44Yeah, I think we've got enough.
15:46Probably.
15:47Oh, it smells like bum holes, mate.
15:52I've had 35 years of having kids.
15:55So, 1989, when Harney was born.
15:57So, you've got one more year with you, and then I'm free.
16:00Then you're free.
16:00I'm free.
16:01No more.
16:01And do you know where I'll be going?
16:04Here.
16:04Down here.
16:05Exactly.
16:05Yeah.
16:05Exactly.
16:07So, nothing will change.
16:08No.
16:14In eight months of being here, I knew how much the residents loved the sea.
16:19But it looked filthy.
16:22Got my little kit here.
16:23Yeah.
16:24I'm basically going to test the water.
16:27What is in this ?
16:28I don't know.
16:30You know?
16:30There's no regulation to where our shit and piss goes.
16:33No.
16:34Are they just pumping it into the seas?
16:37They can't be.
16:38Well, I want to find out.
16:39I need to know these things.
16:40Because it's dangerous, darling.
16:41I want to feel confident that you can put your kids in there.
16:45You know, put the twins in there.
16:46Yeah.
16:48We've got the dirtiest beaches in Europe.
16:50Really?
16:51Yeah.
16:51So, I googled it.
16:52We're an island.
16:53We need to look after our people.
16:54We need to look after our beaches.
16:56It's a disgrace.
16:57Yeah.
16:58For fuck's sake.
17:04Right.
17:06140 quid has cost me this.
17:08What?
17:09Remove the bottle top.
17:11Fill bottle with water.
17:12Well, it's pretty simple, isn't it?
17:14I don't know why I'm reading this bullets.
17:15You just fill the bottle up with water.
17:17Just fill the bottle up?
17:17Yeah, fill the bottle up.
17:20Right, here we go.
17:21Oh, God.
17:30It looks pretty clear to me.
17:32Cheers!
17:35Mind you, that don't look too bad.
17:36That looks so...
17:37I'll drink that.
17:39Oh, no, no.
17:39There's a tiny bit of shit in there.
17:41Look.
17:41Oh.
17:42A little bit of pony in there.
17:44Floating about.
17:45Right, okay.
17:51Let's find out what the fuck's going on on our beaches.
17:59So, I've inverted the colours, right?
18:01So, we've got two.
18:03One.
18:06Website.
18:06Phone number.
18:07Address.
18:08It's, hands down, a much better design poster for the information we want to get out there.
18:15It's a shame someone did graffiti the last one, because it would have been nice to have
18:19a nice picture of Danny and Danny on it.
18:22Do you know what I mean?
18:23Just in the corner or whatever.
18:24Someone's just going to draw a dick on it again.
18:25Well, exactly.
18:26That's the problem, isn't it?
18:27It's just another risk, isn't it?
18:28Because we put his face on it, and it gets graffitied again, and we've got to take it
18:32down again straight away.
18:33Start getting expensive.
18:34It is expensive, yeah.
18:37And it just don't look good either, just for the few days that he's up there with whatever
18:40graffiti's on it, does it?
18:41With a dick on his head.
18:49Finally, the big day has arrived.
18:54Where's Danny?
18:55Where's Danny?
18:56Bear with me for another ten minutes while we take the fence down, and as soon as we've
19:00got that down, we'll put the bow up, and Danny will come, cut the bow, and we can all
19:04go on.
19:05Please stay back on this line.
19:12And I've been gifted one of my most challenging roles to date.
19:16Where's the cock area?
19:18Oh, my God, you've got a proper belly in that.
19:21Oh, cheers.
19:22Well, help me out.
19:23Put...
19:24Oh, my God.
19:25You can just strap these on, mate.
19:26You're going to be sweating in this.
19:27I was a bit clammy, this.
19:29It's one of them things that just would never get washed.
19:33Can you get out?
19:34Well, I can't sleep back on.
19:36It's all right.
19:36You're all right.
19:36You're all right.
19:38After months of pushback, we were about to give Priory Hill its playground.
19:46Oh, my God.
19:47There's so many people.
19:48Thousands, is it?
19:55Oh, they're lovely.
19:57That's the winner.
19:59I've just got to stay in character.
20:03Bollocks is this.
20:03You can't see nothing.
20:04Say hello.
20:06There's a bear.
20:07Say hello.
20:08Go on, Brodie.
20:09Be friendly.
20:10Brodie Bell.
20:10I can't breathe.
20:12Does that look like a nice bear?
20:13Wave.
20:14Bodie's always popular.
20:16He's, yeah, a little bit worried that he's going to start talking or knowing him might
20:21take the head off and the kids will be devastated.
20:24Maybe do a few high fives and that.
20:25Do you know what I mean?
20:26I can't see no one.
20:28All right.
20:29Keep the voice down.
20:30Keep the voice down.
20:30He don't look like he's a very happy bear.
20:32Here we go.
20:33Wave.
20:34Kids, it's Bodie.
20:36Give Bodie a wave.
20:37Give Bodie a wave, everyone.
20:39I can't breathe.
20:41Hello, everyone.
20:42Thank you all so much for coming.
20:44I'm so sorry.
20:45It's been such a long wait.
20:46I can't breathe.
20:47There was obviously...
20:48Get me out of here.
20:49..issues, as always.
20:50But thank you all so much and I hope you enjoy it.
20:53Oh, good.
20:57Rosie Bear, you do the honours, my darling.
21:00You've got to cut the ribbon.
21:01I don't know if Bodie will be able to hold the scissors.
21:03Got sweat pissing in the eyes, I hope.
21:05Ready.
21:07Yay!
21:10Yay!
21:13Yay!
21:14Well done.
21:16I can't breathe in here.
21:17I've got to get the top of the neck.
21:22Oh.
21:24Oh, I can't breathe.
21:25Lovely.
21:26Thank you so much.
21:26This is my first time meeting you.
21:28Just shout.
21:29When you go in, I'll just take it off.
21:30All right, thank you.
21:31Who do you think was in the bear?
21:33And the guy off.
21:35Do you think it was him?
21:37Do ya?
21:38Oh.
21:39What do you think of the park?
21:41Ten out of ten.
21:42Come on, mate.
21:43Just get you in before you pass out, yeah?
21:45Yeah.
21:46If he's going to die.
21:47Oh, you're holding my hand out, isn't it?
21:49Hey.
21:51Oh.
21:53Fuck that.
21:53Oh, fuck it.
21:54Oh, my God.
21:59Not very versatile with these hands.
22:01No.
22:02All I've got about me is that and that.
22:04That's it.
22:04That's all the kids want.
22:05I've got a lot of respect for the, uh, for the, uh, the Bodhi bear now.
22:09I've underestimated that.
22:10That was...
22:11Well done.
22:12You lasted a lot longer than I thought you were going to last, mate.
22:13No, mate, I can't.
22:14I was panicking a little bit.
22:15I know that feeling of the sweat.
22:16We can't, we can't wipe your eyes.
22:18Can't wipe your eyes.
22:18And also, I felt that when I had the mask, that's a smiling entertainment.
22:23Even though no fucker could see you.
22:25No fucker could see you, yeah.
22:27Yeah.
22:27Yeah, I was feeling that was, uh, but that's enough Bodhi for today.
22:31Yeah.
22:41The play park had barely been in the ground and it was already proving a riot ball ache.
22:47Yeah.
22:48Yeah.
22:49Oh, ho!
22:51That is like the fastest slide in the world, isn't it?
22:53We've already seen someone bleeding.
22:56When they come down, they drop and they go forward on their face.
23:01So what, kids are hurting themselves?
23:03It's just fast.
23:04At the end it just sort of goes off and falls.
23:07Look.
23:09Pretty brutal, isn't it?
23:11Yeah, yeah.
23:11All the older kids are happy with it, you know, they're shooting off, landing on their feet.
23:14But it's the young ones we've got to watch out for.
23:19It's been signed off on that.
23:21So these must exist in other places.
23:23I just think we'd better be safe and sorry.
23:31Right, what's the issue?
23:33I think it's quite fast for a start.
23:37Oh, are you sure, Dan, you want to climb that?
23:39Right, so how many people's mummed?
23:41There was quite a few parents come up to us on the day.
23:43One of them cut their lip.
23:44God.
23:47He's got to split his trousers.
23:48Be careful.
23:49Come on then.
23:52It's quite bad actually, yeah.
23:53The older kids, they're all right, they get their feet down in time, but the little ones...
23:56Well, hold on a minute.
23:57When I was a kid, the playgrounds I used to play on, it was all concrete, you don't have grass.
24:01Yeah, I know.
24:02Yeah, I broke my arm and a caravan parked down the road, I won't name names.
24:05I want fucking names.
24:06The bar spun on me, you know, it was loose and I smashed my arm on a bike frame, broke
24:10my arm in four places.
24:11Can't bear it.
24:12And the next day they chopped them down.
24:14I thought you were going to say they chopped your arm off then.
24:16So look, I've noticed there's a sign over there.
24:18Yeah, we've had to put that up just to say, play carefully, adult supervision required.
24:23Ain't that enough?
24:23Just to cover ourselves.
24:25Ain't that enough?
24:25Yeah, well, to you and I it is, mate, but we're in a world where we've got to cover our
24:30arse.
24:30They fall down and hurt themselves and say, did you read the sign?
24:33Yeah, you need sign if you have to have a sign.
24:36I thought this was our greatest achievement, Dan, this.
24:38Yeah.
24:39Turns out it's fucked.
24:42The slide met all the regulations, but to save a few pennies, we'd ignored the company's advice to get Matt
24:47in.
24:48Turns out we were wrong.
24:50So with egg on our face, we got it ordered.
24:55I'm going to have my hair pern before I go home on the 23rd, but I've got a feeling I
25:01might have to bring that forward.
25:02Go and get the bloke who's got a van and he does it in the back of his van.
25:05That's for the dogs, you prick.
25:15Three, two, one.
25:16One.
25:27Don't like it, does he?
25:30You look really happy.
25:33What I will say is this.
25:36It does exactly what it says on the tin.
25:40I think there's a lot to read, though, while you're driving.
25:43Not that much, really.
25:44Quite a bit.
25:45I don't think you'll get to cover vans before you've passed it.
25:48I want people to look at it and half crash their motors.
25:51Yours was upright and I had no one tell me they'd seen it or anything.
25:55This one's been up for a day, I've had four people already.
25:58What you have done is still give people an opportunity to put a cock on me head.
26:02It's always potential.
26:04Anyway, that's my vanity out of the way.
26:06It's a bit boring, I'm not going to lie.
26:08You say boring, I say more informative.
26:10Even that, more informative, is boring.
26:12It's a lot of blue, I've got to say.
26:14It reminds me of a poster that John Major would have put up.
26:21Who's John Major?
26:22You don't know John Major?
26:23He's a former Prime Minister.
26:24It's a John Major poster, let me tell you that now.
26:29With our billboard now about as exciting as my nan's knitting circle
26:33and the long-awaiting playground half out of action,
26:37I'm questioning, are we really the right people to be at the coalface of this gaff?
26:43Sweating my bollocks off.
26:44I'll get Jimmy to do that.
26:46With the season drawing to a close, I didn't expect the job to be this big.
26:51Someone's had a punk.
26:52Wow.
26:55Don't tell anyone.
26:56And with next year's work commitments piling up,
27:01I'm undecided about our future here.
27:05But one thing I'm sure of is this place already has my heart.
27:15I can't believe how the old knights are drawing in there.
27:19It was so dark early last night, I think, because it was a bit overcast.
27:23Yeah.
27:24But we'll start crying, we'll start packing to go home soon, and I hate it.
27:28You wish your life away when you're down here, that is the problem.
27:31Personally, we'll do the longer time.
27:33But I've got a wimp of an husband and he gets cold.
27:39How are you, sir?
27:41You having a bit of egg?
27:42What's happened?
27:44Let's have a quick look.
27:48You're obviously not turning on.
27:49There you go.
27:50Go on, son.
27:51You're running out of fucking battery.
27:53Look, that's why.
27:53Look.
27:54Look, look.
27:56You've only got one bar.
27:57Go on, go on.
28:01Go on, that's it.
28:01Keep going, son, because you've only got one bar left.
28:04I'll push you there.
28:06I can push you.
28:08Go on, keep going.
28:17Oh, there you go, look.
28:18I've got a bit of power.
28:20What, you all right?
28:21Go on, then, on your way.
28:22Come on, there you go.
28:37Hello, Al.
28:38Oh, hello.
28:39Oh.
28:40You all right?
28:43Very tired old man.
28:45That's what I am.
28:46You know what?
28:47It's been such a blur and I feel like we've achieved a lot.
28:55Also got some shit wrong.
28:57I'm just trying to think whether you lot are happy.
29:03I think I've took a lot on this year.
29:06Yeah.
29:06And I have to make a decision about, you know, next year, about whether, if you did want us back,
29:12whether I could, whether I would be able to be around as much.
29:16You know, these are stuff that I suppose I can only really make a decision on if you want us.
29:21Why don't we get all the other guys in here and have a little chat and just see, like, how
29:25we want to move forward?
29:28And listen, I'll take it on the chin either way.
29:30On the chins.
29:33You know what I mean?
29:37Okay, cool.
29:38Is that what I mean?
29:39Yeah.
29:41Um...
29:41I'll see you later.
29:43Yeah, all right.
29:43See you in a bit.
29:47You know, maybe they don't want us back, maybe they're like, okay, thank you so much for everything you've done,
29:51but we're gonna move on, we've lost money, or whatever.
29:54And then I'll go, do you know what, sweetheart, it's been lovely to meet you all, and I'll crack right
29:57on with me life.
30:04What the fuck are you doing up there?
30:06Don't fall off either.
30:08Well, it wouldn't be the first time that's happened, would it?
30:09We've got a video of one, haven't we?
30:11Straight onto the Pepsi machine, bosh, straight onto the floor, bosh.
30:14Still alive, aren't you?
30:15Still alive.
30:15And my kneecaps hurt just thinking about that sort of shit.
30:19With the sight getting quieter, we were still busy getting our hands dirty.
30:26So inside the pumps that pump the water around are some baskets that collect most of the debris.
30:32Pubes, belly button fluff, that fluff from the top of the bum crack that you get.
30:36Oh, lovely.
30:37You're giving me the ornipole.
30:41Right, so we undo this, okay.
30:44Yeah, that's it.
30:44You can see if you start rubbing it from the inside, you can almost, like, ball it up.
30:48That's it, that's the sort of thing you want to get up.
30:50How does that come out of someone's arse?
30:51Well, it's a collection, isn't it?
30:52It looks like a seahorse's head.
30:58With all this talk of crappy water, my test results are back.
31:04The Environment Agency says that the water quality for Laysdown is rated good,
31:08with their official results for E.coli being under 200 CFU per 100 mils,
31:14based on 20 samples.
31:19For our coastal waters to be excellent, we need less than 250 per 100 mils, right?
31:27Just to get away with it, you need less than 500.
31:30My test has found 2,420...
31:35Jesus Christ.
31:35Jesus Christ.
31:35Why are we bothering?
31:36I expected it to be high, but not that high.
31:39So they've said, a high amount of E.coli in water is an indicator of fecal contamination, right?
31:46This contamination can come from sewage overflows or inadequate water treatment.
31:53You know, the thing about coming to these coastal towns, you know, is that you should be able to enjoy
31:58the sea.
31:58You know, we're an island, you know, we're very much got loads of coast.
32:02There's not nothing we can do about it, or change, or...
32:06So we just let them swim in shit?
32:08Well, do you want to start a protest, or what?
32:10Protest?
32:12I think, in the grand scheme of things, what's going on in this country, this is the bottom of the
32:16list.
32:17People are working their bollocks off, they can't pay their bills at the moment,
32:20there ain't hardly any old bill on the streets, can't get an ambulance, can't get a dentist.
32:24I've had to relay the message, it's weighing me up.
32:26Yeah.
32:27Feel like I want to go nut a wall.
32:29Yeah.
32:29It is disgusting.
32:30I honestly don't think there's anything we can do.
32:33Well, I'm glad I just give a shit.
32:35Anyway, I'll give you the information, I'll send it all over to you.
32:38All right.
32:40Uh, girls, sorry to interrupt.
32:43I've just done a test for the sea down here.
32:46Do you swim in the sea, you used to?
32:47No. I do normally, but not here.
32:49My grandchildren do that.
32:51So, are you aware how much shit is in that sea?
32:54It was on Facebook last year that you shouldn't swim in.
32:58Really?
32:59Yeah.
33:00I didn't know it was that high.
33:02Anyway, sorry, if you was about to eat your lunch, I do apologise.
33:05But just thought I'd let you know in case you two were going to go skinny dipping in there later.
33:09You never know, do you?
33:10Well, you never know, do you?
33:13So, look, listen.
33:14We're here.
33:15Yeah.
33:16What chance do I stand of trying to, you know, get people to come and have caravan holidays?
33:21I think this has been going on years and...
33:23Really?
33:24Yeah.
33:24Yeah.
33:25It's just the money these people are on.
33:28Yeah.
33:28These sort of CEOs of these water companies.
33:30Privatised, innit?
33:30Sitting there in their big offices.
33:33Just...
33:33I just find it incredible.
33:37I can't say that.
33:38Yeah.
33:40It's got a point.
33:41Yeah.
33:43Well, I can't believe they weren't shocked.
33:47I'm not saying they don't care, but, you know, I thought that was a massive bit of news.
33:51I don't know what we're supposed to look.
33:53What can the little man do?
33:54Yeah.
33:54What can we do?
33:55I mean, I was a little bit shocked at the high number, to be honest.
33:58I expected it to be high, but maybe not that high.
34:00The water quality is not great.
34:02What can we do about it?
34:04I think the MPs know about it.
34:06I think the council knows about it.
34:08Look, everyone knows about it, but I don't know what the answer is.
34:11We're not pumping sewerage in the sea, but someone clearly is.
34:16They don't give a fuck, the government, and also these big CEOs of these water companies.
34:20They don't give a shit.
34:22That sea's fucked.
34:24It's awful.
34:28Bollocks.
34:41It's been a hectic year.
34:43You've got to give the best breakfast sausage that you can.
34:46The taste of freedom was only days away as we prepared to close for winter.
34:50This is important work we're doing here.
34:52Yeah.
34:52It might be the most important thing we've done on the end.
34:53Let's get involved.
34:56We should be smelling them as well, shouldn't we?
34:58Well, I have been.
34:59I have been.
34:59Use a sniffy sausage before you.
35:03Oh, my God.
35:04You're not going to swallow it?
35:06I don't like swallowing, no.
35:08No?
35:08No, obviously.
35:08It's a real shame.
35:10To be honest, I'm sausageed out.
35:13What?
35:14Come on, man.
35:15This is important.
35:16One more after this one.
35:17I don't mind.
35:18I'll put anything in my mouth.
35:19Fuck me.
35:20You know, I've lived a mad life.
35:25But first, there was a bit of business that couldn't be elbowed to next season.
35:31So, this is the car park that comes with it.
35:34A derelict pigeon putt site open to tender, directly next to our caravan park.
35:40I mean, it's quite big, isn't it?
35:41Twelve and a half acres.
35:42And what, it goes right up there?
35:44Goes right down to the football field.
35:45Lazy.
35:46Where them trees are there, it goes, yeah, it goes a little bit past them trees to the right.
35:49Yeah.
35:50Oh, my God, it's a field.
35:51Yeah.
35:52Well, where do you start with it?
35:53Where do you start?
35:54It's overwhelming.
35:56I don't even think you could weed it and cut it.
35:57I think you'd have to just start again.
35:59It's going to take at least six months, at least, to even start looking like something.
36:06There's about a kilometre of fence, we think, maybe just over.
36:09Yeah.
36:09But that's a lot of dough straight away.
36:12I reckon they're looking at about 100 grams, honestly.
36:14100?
36:15Yeah, that's what I'm saying, under a bag.
36:17So, what do you think we should do then?
36:18Well, I think we've got to put an offer in.
36:21If someone else comes along and gets it, we might be kicking ourselves in a year's time,
36:23mightn't we?
36:23Yeah.
36:24If you think about the aggravation we've had with that Bollocky Park.
36:27All the forms we had to fill out.
36:30If we did this, we'd have to go all in and get the right people to help us.
36:34But it is going to be a big job.
36:35Let's put something to these fuckers.
36:37Yeah.
36:39Because this could be amazing for our park.
36:41Yeah.
36:41Imagine it.
36:42Next year.
36:44It was an exciting prospect, but too much to commit before knowing how our costs look from this year.
36:54After ten months of hard graft, we had to ask ourselves a simple question.
36:59What did we actually achieve?
37:01Bloody hell!
37:03So far, we'd spent more than six and a half grand on the billboard.
37:11I'd spunk nearly ten grand on entertainment.
37:14Hello, Prairie Hill!
37:16We'd invested far too much in bringing back old traditions.
37:21We spent five grand on the open day.
37:25Nearly 26K into new facilities.
37:28A lot of dough, but long-term investments that would stay on the park for years and bring money in
37:33down the line.
37:36But we'd wasted an obscene amount on failed ideas like posh beers and glamping.
37:43Fuck's sake.
37:45Some were honestly too painful to even relive in the series.
37:49Jimmy!
37:49Just wait a minute.
37:50That fuck has just gone through the armoured cable.
37:52Thanks, Danny.
37:53So the good news.
37:54Bar and bingo profits were up.
37:57Massively.
38:00We managed to bring in an impressive 80 grand in profits from caravan and chalet sales.
38:05This is Eleanor who tells me this is the perfect place for swinging.
38:09So somehow, we ended nearly 11 grand up.
38:13Not too shabby at all.
38:15But unfortunately, there's a bigger situation looming.
38:18When we arrived, we'd been tasked with one big job.
38:22From the empty pitches, we're losing about 150 grand in revenue.
38:27Whilst we filled nine plots, there's 28 plots still empty.
38:31Leaving the park with 115 grand black hole in lost revenue.
38:35Whilst not debt, it's still a very daunting hole to fill.
38:39So when Alex did the maths, factoring in this shortfall from our target,
38:44our net contribution to Priory was...
38:48£104,528 down.
38:57That's a real shame.
38:58It's a tricky situation.
39:00So, erm, I don't quite know what we do about that.
39:09There's kind of two scales here, isn't there?
39:11There's the fun aspect of it and, yeah, people, how much our current customers enjoy and all that.
39:15But then there's that other scale that we always have to look at.
39:17It's the financial side of things, isn't it?
39:19Exactly, yeah.
39:19Has it financially been a success?
39:22His money spending is negative.
39:23His money spending, yeah, that's a big one.
39:25His lack of communication.
39:26Yeah.
39:26So we've got to guide him a bit more.
39:27We've got to guide him.
39:28I feel like he can't be guided, mate.
39:30He's one of them.
39:31What we've got to kind of decide is whether we want them to be fully involved next year,
39:35like they have been this year.
39:40Oi, oi.
39:43I like people being straight with me.
39:45So, erm, what's the verdict?
39:47You've thrown yourself into everything you've done.
39:49Some of it, not so good.
39:53Money is a big thing, isn't it?
39:54I think you've realised yourself as well, you can't just do these things.
39:57No.
39:58It's a balancing act, isn't it?
39:59We've got to make money as well as spend money.
40:02You're right.
40:02You can't just throw money at everything.
40:05Unfortunately, what followed was a cascade of concerns.
40:09Well, things like the sports day, wasn't it?
40:10We didn't really know what was happening.
40:12Mistakes have been made.
40:13Mistakes on both sides.
40:15The 80s night, you rolled your mates in for that.
40:18But we ain't laid out whatever you laid out for Kemp.
40:21Yeah, they cost me a bomb.
40:22Yeah.
40:23Anything else negative?
40:24I've had to explain to a lot of people that I'm not actually a swinger.
40:28Oh.
40:30But I feel like that's overshadowed by all the positives that have happened.
40:33Absolutely, yeah.
40:34This year has been completely different for all of us, genuinely.
40:38You know, we've done stuff we've never done before.
40:40It will go down in history as one of the best we've ever had.
40:42A massive thing has been getting those empty pitches filled up.
40:45We're all in agreement and that's down to having your two boats in the game.
40:50Like the style.
40:51Yeah.
40:51All the customers here love you both.
40:53They absolutely adore you both.
40:55We would love to see you come back next year and be just as involved, if not more.
40:58No, do you know, it means a lot to us, doesn't it?
41:00Yeah.
41:00And we're glad that we brought something to the table and we didn't fuck everything up.
41:03Because when we first started, I thought, oh no, what have we done?
41:05Because we're just not business people at all, are we?
41:12The staff had given us a lot to think about.
41:15But we had the Halloween ball to host.
41:18The final night the club is open until next season.
41:22It was our chance to say goodbye to the park for the year.
41:29I've been coming down for 50 years and every year we always have a great summer.
41:34But this has been exceptionally great this year.
41:37It has been the best season ever.
41:40This year everyone's come together.
41:41I couldn't stand her before we started.
41:46They've stopped people leaving.
41:48Now I've just got to get more people buying caravans and coming on.
41:51Staying.
41:52Staying, yeah.
41:53This is it.
41:54The end of the season.
41:56How mad.
41:57When I first bowled in here, I was shitting myself, I'm not going to lie.
42:01I understand there's a lot of snotty-nosed people who look down their nose at these sort of holidays.
42:08But, you know, we're trying to bring it back and make it relevant again.
42:10But you know what we've got as working class people is character, right?
42:14And me now, it's semi-middle class, to be fair, because I've got a few quid.
42:19But I'll tell you something now, this gaffir is amazing, because it's all about you residents, really.
42:24Shout out to Tony, by the way, because he's had a tough year, Tony.
42:29You're looking strong, son.
42:30Lost a bit of Derby there, I know I can see.
42:32Sucking the old Derby in.
42:35I've really had the most greatest year with you all.
42:38We hope we've made you happy, and we've had the best time, haven't we?
42:41It's been an honour to be part of your lives.
42:46Sorry we fucked the slide up, because...
42:51I didn't ask for a drop slide, it's just...
42:56Now, shall we get off our tits and celebrate?
42:59Wax some tunes on, son.
43:04It's been ups, it's been downs.
43:07And I couldn't have done it without you, I see that now.
43:09Aw, really, babe?
43:10Aw, I'd have been all over the gap.
43:12That's what I'm here for, ain't I?
43:13I feel like we've made a bit of a difference.
43:15I do feel like we came into this really unaware of what we were getting involved in.
43:20So unaware.
43:22Thanks, darling. Thank you.
43:24Honestly, I don't really know what I'm doing either, I'm just making up as I go along as well.
43:28I feel that the least we can say, we left a mark.
43:32Yeah.
43:33We've done something.
43:34Oh, lazy now.
43:35And not a skid mark.
43:37Like a good mark.
43:38Yeah.
43:38A mark of love, respect, integrity.
43:41Yeah.
43:48Are you ready?
43:50Are you ready?
43:53Are you ready?
43:55Are you ready?
43:58I'm on the telly.
44:09When Danny Dyer first come on the site, they said, oh, Danny's doing this, Danny's doing that.
44:13I thought, yeah, that's a load of bullshit.
44:19If you want the honest truth, I thought, what a dickhead.
44:23But when you meet him, you can't get a better fella.
44:30Every woman, every man, join the caravan of love.
44:36Stand up, stand up, stand up.
44:39Everything that Danny's done this year, I just think it's brilliant.
44:43There's no bullshit with him, excuse my language.
44:46Stand up, stand up, stand up.
44:50When you get a caravan, you do discover a new way of living, if you like.
44:54It's like being at home, except you're on holiday.
44:58If anyone had a caravan holiday, you won't have a holiday.
45:01As simple as that, that's what I say.
45:05Oh, I can't even think of a life about primary hill.
45:08And that's fine.
45:10That would be unbearable.
45:11I can't think of a life without the caravan.
45:15When it's time to go, it's really sad.
45:19It's like leaving part of meself behind.
45:23I think they've done a terrific job for the first season.
45:26Let's hope it continues.
45:31My caravan is my life.
45:35I just love it.
45:38They'll have to carry me out of me box.
45:40That's what they'll have to do.
45:51I'm forever blowing bubbles.
45:56Where the bubbles in the air.
46:02They fly so I.
46:04They nearly reach the sky.
46:07And just like my dream, they fade and die.
46:12I'm not a trainer.
46:13Fucking warrior.
46:15Yeah.
46:16That's why.
46:17You