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00:00Welcome, on stage, Mr. G. Kerr!
00:07Yeah.
00:08Sure.
00:09Thank you very much.
00:10Yeah.
00:11Sure.
00:11Oh, nothing.
00:13We'll be doing this, OK.
00:14So, Go Wild and Crazy 4, Rob Beckett, John Richardson,
00:17Miles Jupp, Judy Love, Roisin and Kiara,
00:20Susie Dent and Rachel Riley.
00:34Hello, everyone.
00:37He's tiny in real life, isn't he?
00:40Alright, let's roll the titles.
01:15Hello and welcome to edit of 10 Cats Does Countdown,
01:19a show all about letters, numbers and conundrums.
01:21OK, let's meet tonight's teams.
01:23First up, it's team captain, John Richardson.
01:28CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:32John Richardson, he's the thinking woman's crumpet
01:34and that woman is thinking,
01:36I'm not sure I like crumpets.
01:40And John's teammates, Judy Love.
01:46Judy is a regular panellist on Loose Women
01:48and it's wrong to say that Loose Women is just a load of ladies
01:50sitting around drinking Prosecco before noon.
01:52I happen to know a lot of that chat is fuelled by vodka.
01:55LAUGHTER
01:57My poor girls.
01:58Everyone's always coming for my girls.
01:59Girls.
02:00Your girls.
02:01Girls, combined age of 258.
02:06Up against them this evening, it's team captain Rob Beckett.
02:14Rob said on his podcast that he paid good money to see me naked.
02:18I find that weird.
02:19What would be so interesting about seeing my penises?
02:22LAUGHTER
02:22I think you're like a Ken.
02:24He'd pull down his pants and it's just flat.
02:27LAUGHTER
02:30Yeah, I think it would be if you did it.
02:35LAUGHTER
02:38APPLAUSE
02:42You did say you wanted to see me naked on the podcast.
02:45Yeah, I do want to see you naked.
02:45I'm intrigued.
02:46Why?
02:47Because you don't really present as a real person.
02:52You should do this.
02:54No time like the present, Jimmy.
02:56Jimmy.
02:57Jimmy.
02:58Jimmy.
02:58Jimmy.
02:59Jimmy.
03:00Oh, no, if you're all...
03:01Jimmy.
03:02Oh, if you're all up for this, I'd just get my cock out then.
03:05Yeah, sure.
03:06I think it would be too much.
03:07I still...
03:08I don't think it would be too much.
03:09Mate, what?
03:10Who was...?
03:10I think it would be some.
03:13And joining Rob tonight's Myles Jug.
03:14Yes!
03:17APPLAUSE
03:20Miles has five children, which must be exhausting for his staff.
03:26In fairness, they work bloody hard.
03:29For, may I say, a pittance.
03:33Talk us through a day in the life of Myles Jug.
03:35Uh, gosh.
03:36Well, I like to get up early, be first down to the kitchen,
03:39fix myself a quick, um, roast beef with all the trimmings.
03:43Um...
03:44Then...
03:45Then it's breakfast, uh, where I'm joined by the others.
03:48A quick snack before the school run.
03:50Usually a roast beef with all the trimmings.
03:52Um, then it's Eleventies.
03:54Um...
03:55Yeah, perhaps a little walk around the garden.
03:57Uh, maybe going to town, do some shopping.
03:58Butchers.
03:59Uh, veg shop.
04:00Um, come home, quick roast beef with all the trimmings.
04:03Uh, to set me up for lunch.
04:05Uh, then I watch Loose Women.
04:07I save the gravy for then.
04:09And then that's, uh...
04:11Wow.
04:12That was clearly filthy.
04:14I wasn't expecting that, um...
04:15No.
04:17And that is how you maintain your girlish figure.
04:20That's right, yeah.
04:21My pre-Raphaelite curves, yeah.
04:25John, if you could switch lives with anyone on the panel,
04:28for a day, who would you pick?
04:29God, I'd take any of you.
04:32LAUGHTER
04:34LAUGHTER
04:37Genuinely, I'd have you for a day,
04:38I would ruin that body you paid so much for.
04:41LAUGHTER
04:41I'd wake up and tear hair out for an hour or two.
04:45LAUGHTER
04:46It's all replaceable.
04:48LAUGHTER
04:49I'd like to be Rachel,
04:51cos I'd like to sleep with one of the dancers off Strictly,
04:53but I don't have to go on the show.
04:55LAUGHTER
04:56Ideally.
04:56I'd like to have a night with Pasha.
05:00Erm...
05:01Well, that's a lovely thought.
05:04I'm happy, Jimmy, I like my life.
05:06LAUGHTER
05:08Coming across?
05:09No, she skipped me.
05:10I'd love to be you, Judy.
05:12Just to know what it's...
05:13what it's...
05:14how quickly the gap eradicates between the thought and the speech.
05:19LAUGHTER
05:24Judy, you...
05:25do you get annoyed quite easily?
05:27What sets you off?
05:28You know what it is?
05:29When people try to pay backhand compliments.
05:33Like, when people go,
05:34oh, how are you so confident?
05:35I'm like, what, because I've got a fupa
05:36and I haven't seen my family for years?
05:38Like, they find it really...
05:40Cos you've got to a what?
05:42They only say it to big girls.
05:43Cos you've got to a lot?
05:44A fupa, a fupa.
05:46It's like a little fold.
05:48Oh.
05:48Just a little fold.
05:50Yeah.
05:50Yeah, them backhand compliments get on my flippin' nerves.
05:54Rob, if you hadn't had a career
05:56as a successful stand-up comedian,
05:57what do you think you would have done?
05:59Er, had a career as an unsuccessful one?
06:01No.
06:03Don't have a dig at John.
06:04LAUGHTER
06:07OK.
06:08Miles, have you... have you got a mascot?
06:10I have, actually, yes.
06:11So, I was sent a book to have a look at
06:14and, er, not what I was expecting.
06:15I was told it was a...
06:16For the author, it was a real passion project.
06:19Anyway, here it is, this book,
06:20it's called Jimmy Carr's Bumper Book of Facts About Eggs.
06:25Oh, yes, yes.
06:26You must know, your agent sent it to me very kindly
06:29and, really, just about another set of eyes
06:31to give a bit of feedback.
06:33I'll put most of it in an email,
06:35but a few thoughts did come up.
06:37I've tried to approach it with an open mind.
06:39Er, chapter one.
06:40Every day, I have nine soft-boiled eggs for my breakfast.
06:43They always go straight through me.
06:46LAUGHTER
06:46But it means I get another chance to see my golden toilet.
06:50LAUGHTER
06:51Er, only joking.
06:53I always relieve myself directly into the cupped hands
06:55of a waiting servant.
06:56LAUGHTER
06:57I mean, it's unflinchingly honest, Jimmy.
07:00LAUGHTER
07:00Benefit of the doubt, let's look at the others.
07:03Er, oh, here we go.
07:03I don't know if you were sort of hurrying to get towards the end
07:06or perhaps you'd lost interest or confidence.
07:08Er, some animals that you may be surprised to hear
07:10actually hatch from eggs.
07:11So this is...
07:12Strange chapter.
07:15Erm...
07:15Chickens.
07:16I will put more in the email, but that's not a surprise, Jimmy.
07:20Erm...
07:20Cows. I just don't think it's right.
07:23Erm...
07:23Minor royals, it says here.
07:26Erm...
07:27Place names with the word egg inside them.
07:29Er, you've written Winnipeg.
07:32That's it.
07:33It's only got one G for a start.
07:34LAUGHTER
07:34And then it says,
07:35The rest of this page has been left blank for you to fill in your own ideas.
07:39LAUGHTER
07:39You've lost 25 quid, Jimmy.
07:41That is...
07:41That's absolutely shameful.
07:43But look, fair play to you for sticking your head above the parapet.
07:45Best of luck with the book.
07:46Well done.
07:48APPLAUSE
07:48Miles Young, everyone.
07:51Er, John, have you got a mascot?
07:53Yes.
07:54I don't mind the jokes about me being little
07:56and having a small penis and going bald.
07:59All that stuff.
08:00Did anyone...
08:00Did anyone mention a small penis?
08:02LAUGHTER
08:03I feel like no-one mentioned a small penis.
08:05I just...
08:06I've had enough.
08:06I'm going to...
08:07I'm just going to do something different tonight so that you can't hurt me.
08:10So...
08:11OK.
08:11I'm just...
08:12I give less of a shit.
08:13So...
08:13What was that?
08:15Erm...
08:15That's a bad start to giving less of a shit.
08:17Oh, I've dropped something.
08:21I'll start by sitting backwards on my chair.
08:23Oh, wow.
08:24That's what bad boys do, innit?
08:26Yeah?
08:27Yeah.
08:28What do you think of that?
08:29It's going to be, like, bad tonight.
08:31It's going to be like a naughty boy.
08:33Erm...
08:33A naughty boy?
08:34Start by popping a leather jacket on.
08:40Over the cardigan.
08:41Over the cardigan.
08:43Over the cardigan.
08:46All right.
08:47You like that?
08:48You like that?
08:49Oh.
08:50Yeah, you're quiet now, aren't you, Jimmy?
08:53Scared all of a sudden.
08:55Erm...
08:56Just in case you're thinking of picking on me.
08:58Woo-woo-woo-woo.
09:01We're working out.
09:02Get these guns pumped.
09:03You like that?
09:05Oh, God.
09:06Oh, indeed, Judy.
09:08Wow.
09:09Yeah, pop them there.
09:09Where did we find weights that small?
09:12Oh, wow.
09:15Wow.
09:15You see?
09:16How would you check me out, then, in this kind of...
09:18One brother, mate, let you come to me, innit?
09:19Oh!
09:22See anything you like?
09:24Not really.
09:27Smoking's cool, innit?
09:33These chairs are wider than I anticipated.
09:40It's got a rubber tip on it.
09:42Whew!
09:42Someone's glued it.
09:43It's still got a rubber...
09:44It's still got a rubber tip on the top, yeah.
09:47Yeah, take it.
09:50Take it first, John.
09:52Yeah.
09:52This is...
09:54Have another crack, yeah?
09:55Here we go.
10:00What flavour's that?
10:02Er...
10:02Pussy and beer.
10:05Slightly more likely to be Dandelion and Burdock.
10:09Thank you, Judy.
10:11That's good.
10:13And he's over.
10:15Oh, wow.
10:16APPLAUSE
10:22What I really like is that John carried all that stuff in a pink bag with strawberries on it.
10:27Where's the bag? Can we see the bag?
10:29Oh, no.
10:34Whatever.
10:39Rob, have you got a mascot?
10:41Yes, so I do have a mascot, actually.
10:43A little hobby of mine, something I'm quite proud of, is I've got a cactus collection.
10:47And I don't know if you know this, because I've got quite green-fingered.
10:51Um, you could actually train a cactus into different shapes.
10:56Ooh, fascinating.
10:57Are you into gardening and stuff?
10:58Oh, very much so.
10:59Really?
11:00What have I got?
11:00Yeah, what kind of flowers and stuff?
11:02What kind of plants?
11:03Well, in which meadow?
11:07Right, here we go.
11:08So we've got a few bits of bobs here, so I've got this one.
11:10This is the first one I did, because it's sort of quite tricky.
11:13So you want to sort of, like, start small, work your way up.
11:15But I've done this one.
11:17I've doubled.
11:19Do you hear that?
11:20So, um, what do you think, Miles?
11:22Very, very tempting, yeah.
11:24They're lovely, aren't they?
11:25Yeah.
11:26So I did that one first.
11:28Um, and then this one, it's the second one I worked on.
11:31Which is, um...
11:36Um...
11:36What do you think?
11:37That, that, that is...
11:39It's...
11:39Yeah, I mean, it's really terrific.
11:41It's really twitching.
11:42No, it's...
11:43It's absolutely, it's absolutely terrific, essentially.
11:45This would adorn...
11:46Well, any tabletop, really.
11:47Yeah.
11:48I think.
11:48Or bottom.
11:49Or...
11:49Yes.
11:52Rob Beckett's Green Fingers, everyone.
11:53Oh, nice.
11:58Over in Dictionary Corner, it's Roisin and Kiara.
12:04It's your first time on the show, we're thrilled to have you here.
12:06Could you tell us a little bit about your act?
12:08Hmm.
12:08Oh.
12:09Well, yes, sometimes it can be quite, uh, sort of...
12:18And then other times it can be more, sort of, earthy, you know, grounded in the pelvis, a bit more
12:23sort of...
12:23Ha!
12:24Rumpf!
12:25Ha-ronk!
12:26Oh.
12:30You've been working together as a cult duo for the last decade.
12:33Everything we do, we do in perfect harmony.
12:36Let's get ready to rumble!
12:40Oh!
12:42Oh!
12:43Oh!
12:46Roisin and Kiara, everyone.
12:50And with them, of course, it's, uh, it's our lovely Susie Dent.
12:57Susie Dent is an inspiration.
12:59She's shown little girls up and down the country
13:01that, yes, women can be just as boring as men.
13:05Susie, what have you been working on lately?
13:07Actually, I have been working on a series with Phil Wang for Radio 4.
13:12Actually, for a long time, Jimmy, I thought your name was Wang
13:16because Wang Ka is what loads of people call you backstage.
13:19LAUGHTER
13:20Nice!
13:25But Miles has been on it. He was fab.
13:28They're very kind. Yeah, you were.
13:30OK.
13:32What's the podcast about?
13:34It's called Unspeakable, and we get people like Giles to come on
13:37and come up with...
13:39She means Giles Grandreth.
13:40What did I call you? You called me Giles.
13:42Giles Mup! Yes, essentially.
13:44I'm so sorry. Yeah, she's not very good with words.
13:48You very gratefully came on the show.
13:50You came on the show. Very memorable guy.
13:53LAUGHTER
13:54OK. In charge of the numbers is Rachel Riley.
13:58APPLAUSE
14:01Yes, Rachel is here, which tells us one thing.
14:03The search for her replacement is taking longer than we thought.
14:06LAUGHTER
14:06Rachel, who's the most interesting person you've ever met?
14:09I've met a lot of cool people.
14:10I've met the King, met David Beckham,
14:13and also met a guy that can fart on demand in time to pop songs.
14:17Yeah, roll back it.
14:19LAUGHTER
14:20Only up to $19.99, though.
14:23As soon as drum and bass came in, I gave up.
14:26LAUGHTER
14:26OK, the prize the teams will be competing for tonight is this.
14:29The Countdown Dogbed.
14:32APPLAUSE
14:46OK, everyone, let's Countdown.
14:47Time for our first game.
14:48Rob, Miles, you get the first pick of the letters.
14:50Giles, after you.
14:52LAUGHTER
14:54Erm...
14:54I'll have a consonant, please.
14:56Thank you, Giles.
14:57LAUGHTER
14:58Erm...
14:59Could that also be a G?
15:02LAUGHTER
15:04That is very good.
15:06APPLAUSE
15:06That is very good.
15:07APPLAUSE
15:08LAUGHTER
15:10Erm...
15:10I'll have another consonant.
15:12Is that the way this works?
15:12Yeah, you'd like three of each.
15:14Three of each until Rachel looks worried for us.
15:17OK, yeah, another consonant, please.
15:18In front of the lead.
15:19OK.
15:20P.
15:20And then can I have the A on the top of the vowel pile?
15:22Look at that.
15:23A, yeah.
15:25LAUGHTER
15:26OK.
15:27Can I have another vowel, please?
15:29E.
15:30Another vowel.
15:31O.
15:32You choose some.
15:34You're a captain.
15:34OK, cool.
15:35Consonant, please.
15:36Yep.
15:36T.
15:38Erm...
15:38Another vowel.
15:41I.
15:41And then consonant, please.
15:42And the last one, L.
15:43And for the first time today, here's the Countdown Clock.
15:49Oh, is that one?
15:51Fabio.
15:53LAUGHTER
15:54Thanks.
15:57Fucking three.
16:02LAUGHTER
16:04Are you all right?
16:05Just don't look at Caesar, you're about it.
16:07LAUGHTER
16:09I'm worried about him falling to sleep.
16:10He's already had his nap.
16:12LAUGHTER
16:13LAUGHTER
16:15I'm all right?
16:15LAUGHTER
16:27Come on!
16:29APPLAUSE
16:34Rob, how many?
16:36Five.
16:37Giles?
16:39I've got seven.
16:41Seven.
16:42Impressive.
16:43John, how many?
16:44Would I risk a nine, Susie?
16:45No?
16:46No, I wouldn't then.
16:48Oh, come on, John.
16:49Susie, I haven't got it.
16:50It's not in there, is it?
16:51I'll stick with a seven as well.
16:52Judy?
16:53Five.
16:54OK, what's your five?
16:55Plate.
16:56Rob, your five?
16:57Petal.
16:59Petal?
16:59Mmm.
17:00Oh, I've got a terrible fucking colic.
17:02LAUGHTER
17:04Miles, your seven?
17:06I've got two sevens, actually.
17:08They are climate and polemic.
17:12Wow.
17:12Very good.
17:13Lovely.
17:14Private and polemic.
17:15But what's this nine?
17:16APPLAUSE
17:18That was good, wasn't it, Susie?
17:20That was amazing, of miles.
17:22Maybe write down his name.
17:23Yeah.
17:25And what was your nine, John, that you went for?
17:27Well, compile is a seven, and then I wondered if you can have
17:30compilate as you can have a compilation of something.
17:33Yeah, no, you can't compilate.
17:35Oh, that's a shame.
17:36Seven for us, Jim.
17:38Seven points for both teams.
17:41APPLAUSE
17:43I might...
17:45I might go for my nap.
17:47That's such a weird...
17:48Hang on.
17:50It was me the whole time.
17:53LAUGHTER
17:53Hang on, I might take my bonnet off.
17:55Roisin and Kiara, could they have done any better?
17:58Yes.
17:59Erm...
18:00Poetical.
18:01Ooh.
18:02Let's have that again.
18:03Very breathy.
18:04Poetical.
18:05LAUGHTER
18:06OK, so at the end of that, it's a draw.
18:08Everyone's got seven points.
18:10APPLAUSE
18:10Well done.
18:12APPLAUSE
18:13OK, on to our first numbers round.
18:15John, Judy, you get to pick the numbers.
18:17Do you want to pick Judy, or will you just ruin it?
18:21Erm...
18:21No.
18:22Three little ones.
18:23All right.
18:24OK.
18:24Nine, two, six, and then the big ones.
18:2675, 50, and 100.
18:29And the target, 359.
18:32There it is.
18:32OK.
18:33And your time starts now.
18:34No.
18:35No.
19:03Nobody's back near.
19:04Bye-bye.
19:04Go, whoa.
19:05So the target was 359 Judy love did you get it I got 342 why is worth no points
19:14Give me some credit for hat sorry to speak. I know but I can't expect you to not eat while
19:19we record it
19:23Three four two miles did you get it? I've got three five seven. Okay, Rob I did what I think
19:30I did okay
19:31I don't want to get it. I got three five eight right Rob. It's all on you six times seventy
19:37five
19:38450 minus 100 350 plus the nine ten points
19:48Can we just say I've got 342 can we talk about that we've done that we talked about that
19:55We're all decided as a group it was irrelevant
19:59So Rob and miles have 17 John and Judy have seven
20:05Time now to go across to dictionary corner Roisin and Kiara. What have you got for us? Well got a
20:10pretty good vibe
20:11Yeah, you're right care. Yeah, I'm fine. You seem a little bit of subdued or no, I'm fine. I'm fine
20:17All right. Is it Jimmy? I just I can't read him. I don't know what he's thinking
20:21Yeah, maybe it was earlier when you tried to sort of hug him from behind. Yeah, I know he didn't
20:26like that
20:26I think that's on Jimmy though because like that is your like native
20:30Mediterranean war yes, yeah, because she's Italian see a vero son italiana
20:36So I think we'd imagine she's someone sort of incredibly in touch with her
20:40Sensuality infatti son una donna molto sensual
20:44Unusually connected with their femininity people money cabellucci
20:48Yeah, actually she is incredibly repressed. That's right. It's because I'm also half English so that explains that and Roisin
20:56Roisin on the other hand is is Irish. Yeah, Catholic
21:00And I'm an hour August and Vic August and spirit knave our men. That's right
21:04But the wonderful thing about Roisin is that she's actually incredibly playful and
21:10Loose and just a tiny bit slutty
21:12Just a tiny bit slutty
21:13What? Sorry, that is absolute like slander. Not at all. I'm not like that. That makes total sense because she's
21:18just trying to connect right because because we're born alone
21:22Exactly
21:23And we die alone and that's okay. Well, there we go. Are you a naughty boy?
21:27Uh-oh
21:30Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Are you a kinky, kinky little boot?
21:34Okay, don't pull him a boot because he's a very, like, very well-known comedy demon. Uh-oh
21:38Oh, here we go.
21:40John. She's got a thing for people in positions of power. Clearly, you're right in the middle. Uh-oh, here
21:45we go. Here we go. Here we go.
21:50Jess, move your pups. Move, move, move.
21:54Guys, don't look. Don't watch.
22:03Oh, okay, Roshi, Roshi, Roshi, Roshi, Roshi, Roshi!
22:07Roshi, Roshi, Roshi!
22:08Roshi, Roshi, Roshi!
22:11Come over here! What are you doing?
22:12He has been ogling me all night.
22:17But we're here, we're part of the show, he can't, it's part of the chorus.
22:19Regardless of the details, I've got something to say to you, John. You might do this all the time. Maybe
22:23it's a bit of a laugh for you.
22:26It's all fun and games, but for me, I'm at work.
22:40The first time I've seen a woman straddle a man in a cardigan.
22:45Do you know what's funny? As much as John started to look very awkward,
22:49you moved that cup so fucking fast.
22:55We don't want to spill liquids.
23:04You didn't just look back over there, did you?
23:07Sorry, she'll look straight ahead.
23:09Would you like to swap seats, John?
23:11Well, this one's fucking sodden now, so...
23:16I'm afraid that's a sign of a nervous bowel, isn't it, John?
23:20That kimchi was on the turn and I took a gamble on the wrong night.
23:25There is such a thing as too much roughage.
23:28Enough with the sexy talk.
23:37You move the crockery, I'll have one last clue.
23:45And here is your teaser. The words are meat bell, the clue is nom-nom-nom-nom-nom-nom-nom.
23:50That's meat bell, nom-nom-nom-nom-nom-nom-nom-nom.
24:12It was, of course, meltable. Okay. So Rob and Miles are in the lead. They've been playing in teams so
24:19far, but this game is just for Rob and Judy.
24:22So, Judy, your turn to choose.
24:24I'll take a vowel, please.
24:26Great start. E.
24:27Consonant.
24:28G.
24:30A consonant.
24:31M.
24:33Consonant.
24:35S.
24:36A vowel.
24:42Smeg.
24:43T.
24:44C.
24:46T.
24:47Come on, let's have smegiest.
24:53Y.
24:55Continent.
24:55Continent.
24:56Final R.
24:57While you do this, I've just gotta pick some friends up from the station, so your time starts now.
25:00Mew.
25:20I had to just do a pick-up.
25:22At the station.
25:24Would you like crown green bowling on a Thursday?
25:29It's my third time.
25:54It's my third time.
25:54What's he come as?
25:58Ha ha ha ha ha.
26:14Oh my God.
26:15What the fuck?
26:17Ha ha ha!
26:19Ha ha ha ha!
26:23He should be in your dressing room, did he?
26:27Oh, it's Pasha, everyone!
26:29Hello, Patrick.
26:30Hello.
26:31Good to see you.
26:31Hello.
26:35I can't believe it.
26:36The Pash is here, who's Rachel's other half, and also Susie Dent's other half's here.
26:44I should say, just earlier on the show, that John Richardson mentioned that he wanted
26:50to have sex with one of the Strictly dancers, specifically you.
26:55It's the first time I've ever said that on a show as well.
26:57One of the fucking chances.
27:01You'll be out of there in ten minutes, mate.
27:04Very efficient lovemaker.
27:05Oh, no.
27:06With my skill, you'll be out on two.
27:10Oh, please.
27:12It's like a date of the undateables.
27:16Round of applause for Pasha and my friends from The Volume Club.
27:20APPLAUSE
27:25Judy, how many?
27:26Five.
27:27Five.
27:27Well, you only had 30 seconds.
27:29Fair enough.
27:37Six.
27:38Six?
27:38Wow.
27:39Smashed that five, didn't you?
27:41What was the five, Judy?
27:43Misty or Timer?
27:45We'll go Misty.
27:45Didn't fancy popping the ass on the end of Timer?
27:47Yeah, yeah, Timers.
27:49Sorry.
27:51Timers.
27:52Timers.
27:52Timers.
27:52Rob, you're six.
27:53I've got Misery or Mister.
27:55You said Misery was not possible.
27:57You said Mystery.
27:58No, but I said Misery or Misery.
28:00I said Misery or Misery.
28:02I think John is unlikely to describe Misery as not possible.
28:06LAUGHTER
28:07I said Misery.
28:12Well, six points to Rob.
28:14APPLAUSE
28:18Roshi and Chiara, could they have done any better?
28:20They could have.
28:21Interestingly, John and Chiara both had Misery.
28:23Yeah.
28:23I'm just wondering what your Misery is about.
28:25Actually, I'm feeling a little bit miserable.
28:27I'm going to admit it.
28:29Why is that?
28:29I got Botox in the muscle of my jaw, OK?
28:33Because I grind my teeth when I sleep.
28:35Right.
28:35And here, today, I realised I can't smile.
28:39LAUGHTER
28:40I'm just smiling with my eyes.
28:42LAUGHTER
28:44You can't smile now because you've had too much work done?
28:47LAUGHTER
28:47You're telling me that?
28:49LAUGHTER
28:50But, yeah, we could have done a bit better.
28:52We could have eight letters here.
28:54Germiest.
28:55Germiest?
28:56Germiest.
28:57You never mess a germ.
28:58I did spot that, but I've got some wipes down here at all times.
29:01Got rid of it.
29:02Have you finished undressing Dictionary Corner with your eyes?
29:05I'm not looking over there again.
29:07You can look at me.
29:08I can't make you smile, though, can I?
29:12Who's picking these old numbers, then?
29:15LAUGHTER
29:20So, at the end of all that, Rob and Miles have 23,
29:23John and Judy have seven.
29:24Damn.
29:25Come on, Judy.
29:28APPLAUSE
29:30OK, right.
29:31Now it's time for John and Miles to go head-to-head in the maths.
29:35Miles, your turn to pick the numbers.
29:36Yeah, is it six in total?
29:38Six, yes.
29:38Is that what we're looking for?
29:39Yes, so three...
29:40I'm increasingly confident.
29:43LAUGHTER
29:43I can count, I just can't...
29:45The angle I'm at...
29:48Although...
29:48There's no numbers yet?
29:49No.
29:51Yeah, zero, you've already...
29:52Yes, you've already got it.
29:54LAUGHTER
29:55Three big numbers, three little numbers.
29:57Three and three coming up.
29:59Yeah, you've got this.
29:59Three little ones.
30:01Ten, seven, two.
30:03And the three big ones, 75, 25 and 50.
30:08And the target, 192.
30:10OK, and your time starts now.
30:11MUSIC PLAYS
30:24MUSIC PLAYS
30:42So the target was 192.
30:44Miles, did you get it?
30:45I didn't know.
30:46Why do you look so pleased with yourself now?
30:49OK, John, did you get it?
30:50Uh, 193.
30:52Mmm.
30:52How did you get 193?
30:5475 plus 25.
30:56100.
30:57Plus two times 50.
30:59Plus two times 50...
31:02200.
31:02Minus seven.
31:03Yeah, one away.
31:04That's what I got.
31:05Judy, no-one believes you.
31:06Listen, I did two times 75.
31:10Keep going.
31:10And then I added 50.
31:12No.
31:1325.
31:14You added 50?
31:15I added 25 makes...
31:17175.
31:1775.
31:18And then I added...
31:21You haven't even done that.
31:23No, no, no.
31:24Then I...
31:24See the ten and the seven.
31:25I added the ten.
31:26185.
31:27And the...
31:28Get out.
31:29Seven.
31:30192.
31:31Oh!
31:33You did it!
31:37You did it!
31:38Why are you looking at me like that wasn't bullshit?
31:40I just did it here in front of you.
31:42What the hell?
31:42You watched Rachel do it and blagged it.
31:45What?
31:45I can't win!
31:47I can't win!
31:47No, you can't!
31:48I can't!
31:49You weren't in that game.
31:50You can't win.
31:51Seven points to John.
31:52Oh, my...
31:57And here is your teaser.
31:58The words are oiled nut.
32:00The clue is you can see the shape of it.
32:02That's oiled nut.
32:03You can see the shape of it.
32:05See you after the break.
32:22Welcome back.
32:22The answer to the tease.
32:23The words were oiled nut.
32:24The clue was you can see the shape of it.
32:26It was, of course, outlined.
32:29John, your team was doing so badly that we thought you needed help.
32:32Please welcome comedian, Dane Buckley.
32:40Dane went to a convent school where all the teachers were priests.
32:43Me too, which is why I've got dodgy knees.
32:47And no gag reflex, yeah.
32:51I've got a gag reflex, baby.
32:53I remember.
32:58Don't need to ask Dane how he got the job.
33:02Dane, it's your first time on the show.
33:03Yeah.
33:03How would you describe yourself?
33:05Face of a Greek god, body of Turkish delight.
33:07Okay, that's what I would say.
33:08That's what I would say on the dating apps.
33:09No, I call myself the world's only Irish Indian gay comedian, possibly.
33:13For the longest time, like, I wasn't out as half Indian.
33:16Like...
33:18I never used to tell people I was good at IT, you know.
33:22Not now.
33:23When you're Asian and white, you just generally look Mediterranean, you know, like Charlie XCX.
33:27But I learnt recently, you're darker down below.
33:30You're darker down south.
33:31And I didn't know...
33:32Yes.
33:33Thanks for sharing.
33:35I didn't realise that was a thing, but I was at the doctors recently, and he saw me naked, bless
33:39him, and he said,
33:40Mr Buckley, can I ask you what your heritage is?
33:42And I was like, what has he found?
33:43Onion barge in my inner five.
33:46Are you any good at Countdown?
33:47I'm massive dyslexic, so no, so that's why...
33:51Guys, we're bringing the looks.
33:53Also, I think we look like a line-up of United Colours of Benetton campaign, don't we?
33:57Look at that.
33:58Funding written all over us.
33:59Yes.
34:00Yes.
34:00United Colours of Benetton?
34:02Yes.
34:02What's John, the guy from Accounts?
34:05You wouldn't know what that looks like.
34:14Oh, ten points, that's ten points.
34:17Jane, who's the funniest person you know?
34:19Hands down, you'll know this, Jimmy, as well, my mammy.
34:22Irish mammies are hilarious.
34:24Can people think that I am writing my mum and making her up?
34:27I'm not, this is how she is.
34:28Me and her won a beach in Broadstairs, walking along, minding my own business,
34:32and we straightened on to the nudist part of the beach.
34:34But there was this older gentleman there, completely naked, belly hanging out, penis hanging out.
34:40Resting Brexit face, that kind of vibe.
34:44No teeth, lots of opinions. That was his plan.
34:48He was targeting women on the beach, but he'd never taken on an Irish mammy.
34:51And he said to my mum,
34:52Excuse me, love, does my penis make you feel uncomfortable?
34:55And my mum did not miss a beat, glasses on a chain.
34:57She said, What, love? That little thing there.
35:01I highly doubt that ever made a woman feel uncomfortable.
35:06She said, I'll be honest with your puppet, I've seen bigger in mother care.
35:11He's walked away.
35:14APPLAUSE
35:17Have you got a mascot? Can you bring your mascot?
35:18Oh my God, yeah, I'm just here to have fun. Look at this, yeah.
35:20Right.
35:23This is a jalebi.
35:25The most famous of Indian sweets.
35:27It's crispy, it's deep fried, it's syrupy, and it's absolutely gorgeous.
35:32And my nan used to teach me how to cook Indian dishes once a week.
35:35And we would fry these, and she would make masala chai tea,
35:39and she'd read my tea leaves.
35:40But she used to use it as a time to get information out of me,
35:43because she didn't want to ask.
35:44So she'd be like,
35:45Mmm, mmm, okay, not many...
35:46I'm allowed to do the accent, okay?
35:48So she'd be like...
35:50So she used to read my tea leaves, and she'd be like,
35:52Mmm, okay, not many girls in your future.
35:55So many boys.
35:56Okay.
35:57Dancing so gay.
35:58Oh, darling, you're dancing around the pole.
36:00And I was like, give me that, nan.
36:01There's no way you can tell from those leaves he's Polish.
36:06Like...
36:07And so I thought, be brave.
36:09I didn't realise I had to come out to my nan.
36:11I said, nan, I'm gay.
36:12She said, we must call your father immediately.
36:14I said, why?
36:15She said, he owes me 20 pounds.
36:20I said, nan, I'm as gay as the day is long.
36:24She said, rubbish, foolish.
36:25Gay as the day is long.
36:26You mean to tell me you're going to be less gay in winter?
36:28No.
36:31Hashtag gay like savings.
36:35But, I have brought some jalebes for you guys to try.
36:38I thought it would be nice.
36:39Ooh.
36:40Jalebes.
36:41So they are vegan, the jalebes.
36:42Have a little go.
36:43No, you keep them, Judy.
36:48Take a lot of muffins.
36:49Are they nice, aren't they?
36:50Oh, my God.
36:52There's nothing to mutt all that.
36:53It's nice.
36:54It's like that crispy shredded beef without the beefing.
37:00Wow.
37:01Way to change my culture, Rob.
37:03Sorry.
37:04Do you want me to start on Angel Delight, Rob?
37:12It needs to be nice in a bit of rice pudding.
37:15My mum knew that the Indian side would win in the kitchen.
37:18Fair.
37:19Fair.
37:20But she wanted the cultural side to win in Ireland.
37:21So growing up, I spoke Irish.
37:23It's a Celtic language.
37:24And you'll know, if you know any Irish, nothing sounds like what you think it means.
37:27Like, listen to this.
37:31Which sounds like, honestly, you're saying, ready the war between the elves and the centaurs.
37:35But it means I have no interest in the local facilities.
37:40And if you know anything about a gay man, that's just not true, Rob.
37:46Well, I think I've done every stereotype.
37:47Thank you. Good night.
37:54OK, on with the game.
37:59Dane, your turn to choose the letters.
38:00A consonant.
38:02That's so much sugar.
38:03That is extraordinary, isn't it?
38:04Feels like if we'd just eaten sugar, there would have been less sugar in it than that.
38:08A vowel.
38:10Make my eyes hurt.
38:11O.
38:12Another vowel.
38:13I think I might have type 3 diabetes.
38:15E.
38:17I'm an Irish speaker, so another vowel.
38:21A.
38:22Do you know what?
38:23Give us another vowel.
38:25What are you going to do?
38:26Colonisers?
38:27No.
38:30You're going to start annoying John in a minute.
38:32It's going to start getting itchy.
38:33If you do another vowel, it'll start getting panicky.
38:35We've just met and you've brought me a lovely treat, but, you know, let's not fuck about.
38:41OK, a consonant.
38:42There you go.
38:43S.
38:44My fingers are too sticky to write.
38:46How many vowels am I allowed?
38:48Four.
38:51Do you know what?
38:52Give me a big vowel.
38:53I'm so sorry, Jane, but the fun police have turned up.
38:57A consonant.
38:58A consonant.
38:59N.
39:00And the vowel.
39:02E.
39:04That's your max.
39:05Right.
39:06A consonant there.
39:09A number?
39:10A W.
39:10A consonant.
39:11Okay, and your time starts now.
39:18Wade.
39:19Hi.
39:19We're a tick, mate.
39:20Oh!
39:21You pick s**t letters when we also burp.
39:33It doesn't sound like they're spelling, does it?
39:43Dane, how'd you do? Four. Uh, Judy? Four.
39:48Did you get the same four that he got? Yeah!
39:53I think, John, you're on your own. How'd you do? Six. Six, okay. Miles?
39:58Just some more. I'm sure you can imagine what I'm like when I'm hyper.
40:09Uh, five. It was, uh, sinew was my question. Yeah, just tell me straight away, it didn't matter.
40:15All right, uh, Rob, how many? Five. Swine!
40:19I'm hyper. We're all hyper. We're on a sugar rush. Deal with it, Dad.
40:26Uh, Dane, your four, what was your four? News. Oh, well done.
40:30Well done. Definitely, definitely worth turning up for.
40:37Judy, what was your four? No, five. Five, what was it?
40:42Noise. Noise. Uh, John? Uh, insane in the membrane.
40:48Insane in the brain!
40:51Very sugary.
40:55Six points to John.
40:59He's going crazy.
41:01Okay, uh, Roisin, Chiara, Susie, could they have done any better?
41:05Yep.
41:06Swanny!
41:08What?
41:08Swanny. Swanny!
41:10Like the song? Like, yeah!
41:13Like a swan. It's, it's like a swan, or it's also, I think, quite a nice sort of padded,
41:17waterproof, um, jacket, with a hood.
41:19Okay, so, the scores at the moment, uh, Rob and Miles have 23, uh, John, Judy and Dane have 20.
41:25Ooh!
41:27And here is your final teaser. The words are, I'd nosh me, the clue is, anything for a good time.
41:33That's, I'd nosh me, anything for a good time. See you after the break.
41:52Welcome back. The answer to the teaser, the words were, I'd nosh me, the clue was, anything for a good
41:56time.
41:57It was, of course, hedonism. Okay, time for our final letters game. John, Judy, Dane, your turn to pick.
42:07John might have to take the lead on picking the letters.
42:10These two are getting on really well.
42:14Consonant, please, Rachel.
42:16Thanks, John.
42:17T.
42:18Vowel.
42:19A.
42:20Consonant, please.
42:22F.
42:23Consonant, please.
42:24S.
42:25Vowel, please.
42:27E.
42:28Consonant, please.
42:29L.
42:30Vowel, please.
42:32A.
42:33Consonant, please.
42:34D.
42:35And another vowel, please.
42:38I've lost where I am.
42:41Actually, I'm bored of the clock music. I might change it up, if that's all right with everyone.
42:44Okay, and your time starts now.
42:47I'm Sean.
42:58I might check this out.
43:01Yeah.
43:03Yeah.
43:04You got it all.
43:07No.
43:08I don't know.
43:09No.
43:09You.
43:10Yeah.
43:14No.
43:15Oh
43:23Okay, John, how many?
43:24Tengo un seis. Gracias
43:28Sorry? Tengo un seis, Jimmy. What's up to your voice, John?
43:32Ahora hablo español, Mr. Carl
43:34Uno de muchos talentos secretos
43:36I have no idea what you're saying
43:38La gente solo piensa
43:39No, that's little John Richardson
43:42Mírenlo con su little cardigan
43:43Y su estúpida big boy star
43:45Hay mucho más de lo que parece
43:48Estoy harto de que la gente bromee
43:50Diciendo que soy una especie
43:51de virgin rat boy
43:53Y una última cosa
43:54Es que realmente me gustan
43:57los chocolate hobnobs
43:58Gracias
44:00I'll try and swap it back to your normal voice
44:05I think that's it, try that
44:07Hello
44:10John, how many?
44:11Er, six
44:13Okay, Dane, how many?
44:14Five
44:14Judy, how many?
44:16Six
44:16Okay, Miles, how many?
44:18Seven, I think
44:19Oh, damn
44:20Rob?
44:21Five
44:22Fine, what's your five?
44:23Fades
44:24Fades, okay
44:25Dane, your five?
44:26False
44:26False, okay
44:28Judy
44:28Ladies
44:30John, your six?
44:32Fasted
44:32Miles, for the points, your seven
44:34Uh, dilates
44:37Yeah
44:37Oh
44:38Oh
44:38My man
44:40Oh
44:42Yeah
44:45Seven points to Miles
44:47Wow
44:48Strong
44:50Could they have done any better?
44:51No
44:51Nope, Lord Grantham absolutely nailed it, it was fantastic
44:56Well done, Lord Grantham
44:59Well done, Lord Grantham
44:59Okay, so Rob and Miles have 30
45:01John, Judy and Dane have 20
45:03Oh
45:06Okay, so it's a crucial countdown conundrum today, you ready for this?
45:10Yeah
45:10Today's crucial countdown conundrum, your time starts now
45:27Pickiness
45:28Oh, how did you get that?
45:29Oh, how did you get that?
45:37That's it, daddy cool, got it I guess
45:39So the final scores are, everyone's got 30, it's a draw
45:42Everyone's a winner
45:46Congratulations, you are now all the owners of this, the countdown dog bed
45:54Thanks to all our panellists, our wonderful studio audience
45:56And to all of you for watching at home, that's it from us, goodnight
46:12What?
46:24Thanks, I'm jealous
46:25Thanks, I want to wake up for now
46:27I'm still happy to be with you, thank you
46:28I'm just happy to be with you
46:30Thank you
46:31Thanks for having me
46:31It's great
46:31I'm so happy to be with you
46:32I'm still happy to be with you
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