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00:00Welcome, on stage, Mr GK!
00:06Now...
00:10Have we got a show for you?
00:12We've got Rob Beckett, John Richardson,
00:14Kyle Smith, Arbino, Roisin Conaty,
00:16Lou Wall, Susie Dent and Rachel Riley.
00:18Yay!
00:31Is that her? Is there more ghosts?
00:33I don't know why there wasn't a film.
00:34My accountant would like there to be.
00:37There should be a film.
00:38There should be a film.
00:39Just on an unrelated matter, Kyle, I am an actor now as well.
00:43Oh, yeah? Yeah, I do acting now as well.
00:45Right, so what sort of stuff do you want to...?
00:46I mainly play coke-sniffing teachers.
00:51Has anyone here seen him on Waterloo Road?
00:55Kyle, I've recently retired from acting.
01:00All right, let's do this, everyone.
01:01Play in the queue with their music.
01:02Whatever we do.
01:03I don't know.
01:39Hello and welcome to 8 out of 10 Cats Does Countdown,
01:43a show about letters, numbers and conundrums.
01:45Let's meet tonight's players.
01:46First up, it's team captain, John Richardson.
01:53In 2025, John played Grouchy in the new Smurfs movie.
01:57Tell me, John, how did you research your role
02:00as a small, grumpy, troll-like creature with no friends?
02:05He's got friends, you've added that.
02:07Have you even seen my work?
02:09I literally saw it the first day it came out.
02:11What did you think?
02:12I thought it was amazing.
02:13Yeah, thanks.
02:15Do your Grouchy voice?
02:17Go on.
02:19I have to get into character.
02:21OK.
02:22Don't even say it.
02:24Oh, it's good.
02:25Oh, that's good.
02:27That looks good.
02:29And John's teammate, Roisin Conaty.
02:36Roisin used to work on the till in Woolworths,
02:39so I think we've finally solved the mystery
02:40as to why Woolworths went under.
02:43These are quite gentle.
02:44What are you going to do?
02:45Are you going to throw something at me?
02:46No, no, I won't be gentle.
02:48You are very bad at this game.
02:50Bad in a good way, though.
02:52Sort of the good, like bad, like Michael Jackson bad.
02:54Forget I said Michael Jackson.
03:01Up against them this evening, it's team captain Rob Beckett.
03:03Yeah!
03:08Rob's family used to call him Jaffa Cake
03:10because he had big nipples.
03:13Which begs the question,
03:15how big are these nipples?
03:18So, they've calmed down now,
03:20but there's a little bit of lump to them,
03:21but when I was going through puberty
03:23and your hormones were raging,
03:24they were big old puffy boys.
03:27And they looked like Jaffa Cakes
03:29because the areola
03:30is the chocolate flat bit.
03:33Then, on top of that,
03:34the orange filled chocolate bit
03:36was the nipply bit.
03:37Urgh!
03:39Can I, erm...
03:41Can I see you?
03:41Er, afterwards!
03:45Afterwards, you can.
03:47Why...
03:48I'll come over and show you, but not then.
03:50OK.
03:54I'll go, I'll have a look,
03:55I'll tell you whether they're worth seeing.
03:57I want to see!
03:58I want to see if everyone's up there enough.
04:01Oh, Jesus!
04:04Oh, God!
04:06Oh, sorry.
04:07Did you?
04:07Yeah.
04:07Oh, that is...
04:08That is not a normal.
04:10No, that's a normal...
04:11Oh, you sound like my mum!
04:12Yeah, that's...
04:15I want to see all of your tits
04:16if we're getting in comparison.
04:18Jimmy!
04:19Show me your tits!
04:20Oh, he's got a little drawn-on dot.
04:22LAUGHTER
04:25OK.
04:26And joining Rob tonight,
04:27it's, er...
04:27Kyle Smith-Bino.
04:33Kyle says he's scared of pigeons.
04:35Well, apologies.
04:36If we'd known you were scared of small,
04:38annoying, flappy, rat-like creatures,
04:40we wouldn't have set you anywhere near John.
04:42That's fair!
04:44Kyle, it's your first time on the show.
04:45Yes.
04:45Are you going to be aware of the letters or the numbers?
04:47Well, I'm not sure,
04:48but I am very good at remembering my postcode,
04:51and that's both.
04:52Ooh!
04:57What is your postcode?
04:58What is my postcode?
05:00What is my postcode?
05:02What's your mum's maiden name?
05:05OK, Roisin, do you enjoy going out in nature?
05:08I really enjoy nature,
05:10but nature's out to get me,
05:13and it feels...
05:13I have been, no exaggeration,
05:16locked in Hampstead Heath three times.
05:19I thought this was open space.
05:20It's not open space.
05:21There's no gate on Hampstead Heath, is there?
05:23There is a gate on Hampstead Heath.
05:24I've been locked in there three times, John.
05:26Oh, right.
05:26It's starting to come across a bit like a Tory MP.
05:30Twice in one year.
05:32I think the guy thought I was just trying to, like,
05:34get a bit of attention,
05:34like, in with his nips.
05:36Tell you what, me wandering around with these nips
05:38out on Hampstead Heath,
05:38we'll all get locked in.
05:41There is a bit of...
05:42There is some part of Hampstead Heath
05:43that is open for the people who do fruity stuff.
05:45There's, like, little...
05:46I don't think you do it...
05:47You find a bush.
05:48I don't think you find a bush.
05:50They're not into that.
05:51Well, they don't just do it in the open ground.
05:54There's bush bits.
05:55Oh, I see the joke now.
05:56Sorry.
05:59John, have you got a mascot?
06:00Yes, I have.
06:02Obviously, I've been vegan for a little while
06:04and the problem is it's very competitive.
06:08It's a very competitive environment.
06:09What?
06:10So you've got to find a way to be the most vegan.
06:12So I've elevated now to now protecting the stuff animal community.
06:17And I think the community I'm speaking about most here are the bin men
06:21and women of the UK who strap teddy bears to the front of their lorries
06:26against their will and drive them around in all weathers.
06:30You see them in winter.
06:31Little Elmo strapped to the front of a bin lorry.
06:34Not able to move.
06:36So I thought, well, see how they like it.
06:39So my mascot tonight, please welcome my lucky bin man, Phil.
06:50How long do I have to stay up here?
06:52I need a shit.
06:54I told you to have a shit before we started, didn't I, Phil?
06:56I did, but I need another one.
06:58I don't know what you're eating.
07:00Are you eating a lot of dairy?
07:01Yeah.
07:01Well, I think you might have an intolerance.
07:03Maybe.
07:04It does hurt when you eat a magnum.
07:08Well, John, that four cheese pizzas could be back to haunt me.
07:14All right, let's back him out of here before he shits the studio out.
07:17That's Phil, everybody.
07:22Someone had to take the front off a truck for that gag.
07:25Bad, isn't it?
07:27There's a guy at limb service, he's now livid.
07:31You got a mascot?
07:32I've got a mascot, yeah.
07:33I didn't want to go route one.
07:35I thought outside of the box.
07:37Can we get Aurora?
07:40Oh, this is good.
07:46Hey, girl.
07:49This is Aurora.
07:51And although it may look like I've never seen this bird before in my life,
07:56we actually went to drama school together.
07:59I'm not a great animal body language expert,
08:01but you don't seem the closest pair.
08:06Okay, I'm getting the feeling the parrot's a little bit racist.
08:13Maybe Aurora wants the snacks.
08:15Aurora, do you like snacks?
08:16Would you like a Jaffa cake?
08:24Come on, Aurora, we've practiced this.
08:26Come on, Schnuffles.
08:27Come on, Schnuffles.
08:28She fucking hates you.
08:32Well, you've embarrassed me.
08:33So, um, back to Jimmy's dressing room.
08:37Off you go.
08:38Okay.
08:40Aurora.
08:41Aurora.
08:42Aurora.
08:43Roisin, have you got a mascot that doesn't hate you?
08:45I do actually have a mascot, Jimmy.
08:46What is your mascot?
08:47So, the thing that most relaxes me, that makes me feel very calm,
08:51and what I like to feel on this show, is my little doggy Harpo.
08:54She's a little Maltese.
08:55So, I thought, what relaxes Harpo?
08:57Let's go to the source of what creates all the relaxation.
09:01And Harpo recently got done, you know, when they have...
09:03They get done.
09:04What's it called?
09:05They get done.
09:05Snip.
09:06But a woman, snip.
09:07Spade.
09:08Spade.
09:08A scoop out.
09:14Harpo recently got...
09:15I didn't know you were medical.
09:16She recently got spade.
09:19And ever since then, ever since she got spade,
09:21she's turned into a real sex fiend.
09:26Her first sort of victim was this.
09:29Piggy.
09:30Now, I don't know if you can see,
09:31she's absolutely destroyed Piggy.
09:33Now, it's a pig.
09:34So, listen, lots of people have had sex with pigs.
09:36It's absolutely fine.
09:38This is not the worst of it.
09:39No!
09:41No, it isn't fine to fuck pigs.
09:44Is it pigs that have got curly willies?
09:46Yeah.
09:47I call it the pork screw.
09:48LAUGHTER
09:53My mum thinks I'm sex-shaming her by bringing this on the show.
09:56My mum's indulging it,
09:58and I walked in the other day,
09:59and my mum was letting this pig be used against her
10:01while the pig humped...
10:02the dog humped the pig.
10:03So, the dog, your mum, and that pig had a three-way.
10:07LAUGHTER
10:09Next, kitchen roll.
10:11Oh!
10:12She's gone up a gear.
10:13So, it escalated pretty fast.
10:15That's all sex stuff.
10:17LAUGHTER
10:19She's now gone absolutely feral,
10:21and done my hiking boot.
10:23Oh, wow.
10:24So, these are all sex toys
10:27of a little Maltese dog,
10:30but they bring her a lot of joy,
10:31and they really calm her down,
10:32so I brought them in as my mascot.
10:34Lovely.
10:37The worst bit is,
10:38I used that one for a pillow on the train.
10:40LAUGHTER
10:42Rob, have you got a mascot?
10:43Absolutely, yes.
10:44Erm, now, I've been taking health and safety
10:46in first aid quite seriously,
10:48and I've noticed,
10:49I've been here a few times,
10:50that there's no, erm, deflibrillator.
10:52What?
10:53LAUGHTER
10:55There's no what?
10:56Deflibrillator.
10:56Hello?
10:57Mm-mm!
10:58Pfft!
11:00Deflibrillator.
11:01You're adding an extra...
11:03Deflibrillator?
11:04What is it?
11:05What am I saying wrong?
11:06You're putting an L in there.
11:07No L?
11:08No L.
11:09Look it up, Suze.
11:10LAUGHTER
11:12How are we spelling it?
11:13Deflibrillator.
11:14The what?
11:17Deflibrillator.
11:17Deflibrillator.
11:18Deflibrillator.
11:18Deflibrillator.
11:19Let's be honest,
11:20no-one's spelling it when they need it.
11:22LAUGHTER
11:23So let's not worry.
11:24Anyway, we ain't got one,
11:26whatever you want to call it.
11:26Right.
11:27So I was looking one up,
11:28very expensive,
11:29so I've tried to design my own.
11:31Ooh!
11:32Great idea.
11:32As a cost-effective safety measure,
11:34so I've got one.
11:35Do you want to see it?
11:35Yeah.
11:36Yeah, there we go.
11:37Bring it out, boys.
11:41There we go.
11:43Do you want me to show how it works?
11:45Yeah.
11:45I'm just praying this attaches to your nipples.
11:50So this is how it would work.
11:54I hope you don't mind,
11:55I've got this from your dressing room, Jim.
11:58So, yeah, so you basically hook it up like this.
12:03There we go.
12:04And then,
12:05it's how it works.
12:07You need to be defibrillated, eh?
12:10Don't worry, I'm coming!
12:13What's the word you say?
12:14Clear.
12:15Clear!
12:15That's it.
12:16So here we go.
12:17So you put it on,
12:18and then...
12:19Clear!
12:23I think it's working.
12:24I think it's working.
12:24I think I've melted his Jaffa cake by the looks of it.
12:27Anyway, so this is mine.
12:29So if anyone's struggling today, I can get you going again.
12:31Rob, back at everyone with these defibrillator.
12:36There we go.
12:37There must be a few defibs in here.
12:39Because regular countdown, you've got to lose one a week, haven't you?
12:41Yeah.
12:42Is this a show other than this, then?
12:45There's a proper one where they get more than three-letter words.
12:48Yeah.
12:50What fucking thing?
12:51She's coming out right in!
12:52She's coming out right in!
12:54OK, well, over in Dictionary Corner, we've got Lou Wall.
13:01Lou is six foot four.
13:03To put that into perspective, that's about 12 John Richardsons.
13:08Lou, tell us a little bit about yourself.
13:10Hello.
13:11I'm Lou.
13:12I'm from Australia, but I've, like, just moved to the UK.
13:14I like it here.
13:15It rules.
13:16But there's some cultural differences.
13:18Like, you guys call a toilet a Lou.
13:21That's...
13:22But I find it, like, quite accurate, because I am, like, a toilet.
13:26Like, white and full of fucking shit.
13:30Well, you're in Dictionary Corner.
13:31Are you better with the letters or the numbers?
13:33What's your thing?
13:33I like letters.
13:34I like literacy.
13:35But, like, if I am bad at it, it's, like, because it's, like, hereditary.
13:39Recently, I got this text from my mum.
13:42Dad hab died.
13:45Followed by, Dad heb died.
13:48Sorry.
13:49Dad's herbs died.
13:51And then she just finished it off with this stunning text.
13:55Fucking auto-carrot.
14:01And with me, of course, is Susie Denny.
14:10Susie's new book is a harrowing crime novel.
14:12And that sentence also works if you remove the word novel.
14:19Susie, what have you been looking into recently?
14:22I have been looking into teen slang.
14:25Teen slang?
14:26Yeah.
14:26This six-seven thing, which is everywhere, that people are fascinated by.
14:30You've heard six-seven?
14:31Hmm.
14:32Six-seven?
14:33Six-seven.
14:33Yes.
14:34No-one knows what it means, including the kids.
14:36The derivation is either a rap song or something to do with a basketball's height, I think.
14:44But, yeah, so six-seven, so it's like, you know, how tall are you?
14:47Six-seven?
14:48Did you say six-seven instead of six-four?
14:50What time is it?
14:51Six-seven?
14:52You're probably about six-seven, Jimmy.
14:54On the slack, yeah.
14:58So, anyway, I find this completely fascinating because not even the kids know what it means.
15:02They lose break time at my daughter's school now if they say six-seven.
15:05They lose break time.
15:06Do they?
15:07It's that endemic.
15:08Six-seven.
15:08The teacher's terrified during maths, like, if I ask a question...
15:13And they've started playing Countdown in my daughter's school.
15:15She said to me the other week, we've started playing this game where there's, like, numbers and letters.
15:19I never felt more, but I thought she'd be so excited when I went, you know that's what I do
15:23for a living.
15:24And she went, do you?
15:26I thought you were the co-kid from Waterloo Road.
15:34And in charge of the numbers, it's Rachel Riley.
15:40Do you have a favourite number?
15:42I quite like it. Have you heard of the golden ratio?
15:45Basically, it's this number that appears in nature in loads of different places.
15:48So, in seashells it appears, in flowers.
15:52And it's an irrational number, so it's written as phi, the Greek letter phi.
15:56And it also appears in beautiful faces, the golden ratio, kind of, the width to the height.
16:01So, what I think happened, was when you went to your plastic surgeon, he got confused between phi face and
16:10pie face.
16:12So, when you go back, you should ask for the golden ratio next time, rather than that.
16:24OK, and the prize the teams will be competing for tonight is this, the countdown camouflage kit.
16:38A little bit of TV magic for you. Boys, show them where you are.
16:47OK, let's count on everyone. Time for the first game.
16:49And John, Roisin, you get the first down to pick the letters.
16:52Roisin, would you like to pick the letters?
16:54Yes, please.
16:55Oh.
16:57That's backfired.
16:59Rachel, may I have four...
17:02Oh.
17:02A consonant.
17:05S.
17:05What's your problem with the way she's picking it?
17:07Well, just, if you don't give a shit, say no.
17:09I give a shit!
17:10Why don't you just say, put nine letters up there?
17:13No.
17:13You think, because I don't cry, because I'm not good at it, I don't care.
17:16I'm hiding my sadness.
17:18OK.
17:19Does that make you feel better?
17:20No.
17:21Another, another consonant, please, Rachel.
17:24I felt really real like a married couple arguing that.
17:26I'm hiding my sadness.
17:28Look, we're out for the kids.
17:28Eat the pizza express and try and have a good day.
17:31Our neighbours is an absolute nightmare neighbour.
17:34Another consonant, please, Rachel.
17:35N.
17:36Why is he a nightmare neighbour?
17:38Oh, he has all kinds going on in there.
17:43He's a cardigan wearer.
17:45He's not.
17:46He's absolute filth.
17:46Another consonant.
17:49P.
17:51And a vowel, please, Rachel.
17:53E.
17:54And another vowel, please, Rachel.
17:56O.
17:56And another vowel.
17:59A.
18:00Last two are yours.
18:01One of each, please, Rachel.
18:02One of each.
18:03Just get them out there, I don't really care.
18:04A U.
18:06And an L.
18:07I've gone right off the countdown music.
18:09I'm going to step it up.
18:11Boys, please.
18:18For your delectation, this is the Countdown Tongue Choir.
18:22Your time starts now.
18:23No.
18:25No.
18:28No.
18:37No.
18:40No.
18:41No.
18:44No.
18:47No.
18:48No.
18:50No.
18:52No.
18:53.
19:01APPLAUSE
19:06Sean, Rob, do you fancy having a go on the tongue choir?
19:09Define having a go on.
19:12Singing or receiving?
19:15Just a quick demo of the tongue action there.
19:22There's no noise coming out of that.
19:30Hang on, I'm going to the other end.
19:33This guy, look at this.
19:39It's like a forearm.
19:41There's no sound at all there.
19:43Come closer, Claddy's.
19:48What is this show?
19:51The Countdown Tongue Choir, everyone.
19:53Thank you, gentlemen, thank you.
19:58Jon Hammond, that is.
20:01Seven.
20:01Seven?
20:03Roisin?
20:03Six.
20:04Rob?
20:05Five.
20:06Kyle?
20:06Seven.
20:07Oh, he came to play.
20:11Oh, yeah, for real.
20:12All right, Rob, your five?
20:13Leaps.
20:14OK, Roisin, your six?
20:16Planes.
20:17Jon, your seven?
20:19Weapons.
20:19Ooh!
20:21Kyle?
20:21Your seven?
20:22Weapons.
20:23OK, seven points to both teams.
20:27All right, I'm excited about it.
20:29You guys are in trouble.
20:30He's not fucking about me.
20:32Five, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight.
20:35He's got 11 options.
20:37In the same time I got leaps.
20:42Lou, Susie, could they have done any better?
20:44Just another seven from us.
20:45What was the other seven?
20:46Apolloon.
20:47It's a beautiful word.
20:48It's the point at which a spacecraft in lunar orbit
20:50is furthest from the moon, and it's the opposite of the periloon.
20:54OK, on to our first numbers round.
20:56Rob, Kyle, your turn to pick the numbers.
20:58Two big ones, all the rest are little ones, please, Rachel.
21:00Coming up.
21:00Ten and ten.
21:01That's 20 already.
21:02One, three, 75 and 50.
21:06Don't give it away.
21:07And the target, eight, four, seven.
21:09OK, and your time starts now.
21:42OK, so the target was eight, four, seven.
21:44Roisin, did you get it?
21:45I did.
21:46No good.
21:47Do you want it?
21:47Yeah, I'll come back to you in one sec.
21:48It won't be there in a minute.
21:51John, did you get it?
21:53I think I got eight, four, eight.
21:54Rob, did you get it?
21:55I got 800.
21:57Kyle, did you get it?
21:59No.
22:00I got 840.
22:01Roisin, how did you do it?
22:02So I did ten times 75.
22:07Oh, no, er, er, yeah, seven, er, hmm.
22:13750.
22:14I've got it wrong, cos I've got it down as 800.
22:16But add a ten on to the 75.
22:18Oh, my God, Jimmy's got one.
22:21Well, you get 850 and then there's a three there.
22:23I mean...
22:24Oh, wow.
22:24Yeah.
22:25It's the easiest one we've had in.
22:27I didn't get it.
22:28I'm so sure I had it.
22:29That's not allowed, is it?
22:30Ten points to me.
22:33No.
22:33Were you good at maths at college or at school?
22:37No.
22:37Do you know how long you pause sometimes?
22:39It's like you've just turned off.
22:42You just bring it up with your manufacturer.
22:45LAUGHTER
22:48John, how did you get what you got?
22:5175...
22:53times...
22:5310 plus 1.
22:54Plus 1, 85.
22:56And then somewhere else, 10...
22:5810...
22:5910 times 3.
23:01What are you doing?
23:02This is not your style.
23:03I don't know.
23:03It's gone.
23:04Roshin got it wrong.
23:05John's got nothing written down.
23:06We've got 840.
23:07Kyle, off you go.
23:0975 times 10.
23:111 plus 3 is 4 times 10.
23:14Times the other 10, 40.
23:16Add those together.
23:17790 plus 50.
23:18Yep.
23:19Seven away.
23:20OK.
23:21Five points to Kyle.
23:2212.
23:24So, John and Roshin are on seven points.
23:26Rob and Kyle are in the lead with 12.
23:29APPLAUSE
23:32And here is your teaser.
23:33The words are, send tits.
23:35The clue is, open wide.
23:36That's send tits.
23:37Open wide.
23:38See you after the break.
23:43APPLAUSE
23:54Welcome back.
23:55The answer to the teaser.
23:56The words were, send tits.
23:57The clue was, open wide.
23:58It was, of course, dentists.
24:00Yes.
24:00So, Rob and Kyle are in the lead.
24:03They've been playing in teams so far.
24:04But this game is just for Rob and Roshin.
24:07Hmm.
24:07So, Rob, your turn to choose.
24:09Do you know what?
24:09I think it's good that John has a little break from this,
24:11because I think his head's completely gone.
24:13I agree.
24:13He's not happy.
24:14Kyle's turned up.
24:15And not only is he better than John at spelling and countdown,
24:18he also is cool.
24:21He's cool, Rob.
24:21He's in a cardigan.
24:23Well, yeah.
24:23He turned up in his outfit, but in a cool one.
24:27So, I think it's good you have a little break,
24:28because you don't seem yourself.
24:31I don't want to be myself.
24:32I'm going to be Lewis Hamilton for a bit while you do this round.
24:39I don't think he makes some noises with his mouth.
24:43He's done you again.
24:46Pick some letters.
24:47OK, cool.
24:48Please, can I have...
24:50You pick.
24:52You're in charge, Rach.
24:54R.
24:56E.
24:58T.
24:59There we go.
25:00I.
25:01M.
25:03A.
25:04S.
25:05This is a great one.
25:07E.
25:07And the last one.
25:09T.
25:10And your time starts...
25:12...now.
25:33John, could you give me a hand with this?
25:35Yeah.
25:46Tap it round the back, mate.
25:49Oh, yeah.
25:51Does anyone want a beer?
25:52I'll have a go.
25:53OK, what lovely.
25:55Oh!
25:56Is that...
25:58Is that a normal flow for you?
25:59Oh, yeah.
26:01Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah.
26:04Ah, ah.
26:09Salty than you think.
26:12The stones sink to the bottom.
26:17anyone else want a beer you need to get a manufacturer to sort your robot knees out mate
26:37oh john
26:50let's bring out the beers yeah i like that wow roisin's on a hen do is there any more
26:55just worth letting everyone know i had asparagus for lunch
26:58thanks john nice
27:05oh roisin how many i mean i'm i'm sort of nervous okay i've got nine
27:11wow
27:14this is a big deal okay
27:17have i not got nine got a really good eight
27:20why there isn't there is yeah but only the one of them
27:27oh john
27:29he can't even let his own teammate do well you're a disgrace
27:33you couldn't even let her have a moment he did though he sort of saved me
27:37do you want roisin to score eight or not score nine
27:40what how many have you got i've got a seven okay what is your seven
27:44matters roisin your eight mistreat i thought it was mistreats got very
27:51excited i'm going to give you the eight i think the eight's very good
27:57lou susie could they have done any better we had a couple of eights we had stevia
28:02emirates emirate not as in the arsenal ground but as in the the province of an emir
28:07okay so at the end of that uh rob and kyle have 12 points john roisin have 15
28:15all right all right
28:17i mean to be fair you needed that because john's going up against kyle now
28:23i have faith in my teammate he's shown consistency he's not a braggadocious player and will take us to the
28:31final
28:32do you know what i feel the same about mine but i'm not having to fluff him up because his
28:35head's gone
28:37you've been fluffing all night it's down there rock hard it's very rare on this show
28:42that teammates refer to each other as rock hard
28:46can i just say no i'm absolutely fine and if kyle does well that benefits the show
28:55hello rachel i don't
28:57six small please
29:00do you like the numbers john confident with six i don't mind the numbers i don't mind the letters
29:05i just appreciate good friends having good time
29:07well this is often a tricky selection we've got five seven four three ten and nine and the target 185
29:18and your time starts now
29:21one
29:22one
29:23one
29:23one
29:24two
29:24one
29:24one
29:25two
29:25one
29:26two
29:27MUSIC
29:54How's your boy doing?
29:57LAUGHTER
29:58Blasted now.
30:00Gail, did you get it? 184.
30:02OK, John, did you get it?
30:04I think I've got it, yeah.
30:05How did you get it?
30:0710 plus 9. No, no, less mug.
30:1010 plus 9.
30:1319.
30:1419 times 7 plus 3.
30:17190.
30:18Take away that little fight.
30:20Can have you a lap of honour.
30:2210 points.
30:23APPLAUSE
30:27How do you feel about it, Kyle?
30:29How do you feel about that?
30:30I would have liked to have won that one, actually, yeah.
30:33Yeah.
30:34Isn't it?
30:34It's weird, cos I believed him when he said it.
30:37Yeah.
30:37Well, he's a good actor.
30:40Well, he's not in Waterloo Road.
30:42No, he's not.
30:44Is that a compliment?
30:46LAUGHTER
30:48Not a little blue smurf, is he?
30:51I've got four lines and three of them went...
30:53OK, so Rob and Kyle have 12 points.
30:58John and Roisin have 25.
31:01APPLAUSE
31:04OK, time now to go across to Dictionary Corner.
31:07Lou, what have you got for us?
31:08OK, so I had a really shitty old bed frame.
31:11And so I put it on an online marketplace for free.
31:15And this is that story.
31:17I have turned it into a musical.
31:19You're welcome.
31:22And for context, all you need to know is that the bed frame is up there for free.
31:27This is how it begins.
31:29Is the bed frame still available?
31:32Yes, it is.
31:34Gay emoji.
31:36Can I please negotiate the price?
31:39No.
31:39Why?
31:41It's free.
31:42You're on a hard bargain, Lucia.
31:45But that's just not the way marketplace working.
31:48I was like, alright, how about half price?
31:51Just for you, Eileen.
31:52How much now?
31:53Still free.
31:54Dance, dance, dance.
31:56You are the best.
31:58Party, party.
31:59Here's my address.
32:01Wow, that's a long, long way from my house now.
32:04How about a small disco?
32:07I said, Eileen, I can't be clearer.
32:09It's free to pick up.
32:10Can you drive it to me, please?
32:13What the fuck?
32:13Please, no.
32:14Please, no.
32:15Please, no.
32:16Please, no.
32:16I don't own a car.
32:18Why didn't?
32:19You say something.
32:20I can drive.
32:22See you tomorrow.
32:23Fine.
32:25So at this point, like, I go to bed.
32:27I'm like, I'll deal with this bitch in the morning.
32:28And then very early the next morning, I receive this text.
32:33Lucia, I'm out the front.
32:36Sent at 5am.
32:39I said, see you at 5.
32:42Please come out and let me in.
32:45I should have known not to trust you.
32:47Axe, pickaxe, fire.
32:48I should have known you didn't care.
32:50Fire.
32:51I show up on time.
32:53Are you dead?
32:55Please.
32:57Where is bed?
33:00How was I supposed to know that what you meant was 5am?
33:04Knock, knock, knock.
33:05Are they?
33:05Let me in.
33:07No.
33:07It's not an ideal time for you to get the bed frame.
33:10What time then?
33:11I'm like, could you come back at 8?
33:13But I'm outside.
33:15Yeah, my housemates are sleeping.
33:16Should I just snuck?
33:18This is getting creepy.
33:20I go back to sleep.
33:21I wake up at 8.
33:21Is she there?
33:22No.
33:2212 hours later, though.
33:23Who's she is again?
33:24Lucia, I'm here again.
33:26It's 8pm.
33:28Yes, where is the bed?
33:30Is the concept of time too hard for you to comprehend?
33:33You're 12 hours late, Eileen.
33:34I can't get you the bed.
33:36Like, I'm at work right now.
33:37Okay, like, I'm not even home.
33:39But I came all the way back for it.
33:41Yeah.
33:41I know.
33:43No.
33:43Please.
33:44Heartbreak emoji.
33:45Pumpkin emoji.
33:46Sorry, typo.
33:47Seriously, please.
33:48Whatever, man.
33:50Oh, my God.
33:50That lady's back.
33:51What can you help her get the bed shot?
33:52Okay.
33:53My housemate is home.
33:54Knock on the door.
33:55Ask for Tim.
33:56402.
33:56No, 403.
33:57Knock, knock, knock.
33:58It's 403.
33:59Knock, knock, knock.
33:59Anyone in angry dolphin pilot shit?
34:02This is not what I expected.
34:03I'm taking off the bedding and the pillow and the mattress.
34:05What?
34:05There is no bedding.
34:06Just talk to Tim.
34:06He'll show you what to take.
34:07Is this free?
34:08Picture of a pillow.
34:12Where the fuck are you?
34:13Is Eileen there?
34:14No.
34:14Shit.
34:14Fuck.
34:15Oh, my God.
34:15Oh, my God.
34:16It's perfect.
34:17It's exactly what I want.
34:19Bigger than I thought.
34:20And free bedding.
34:22Five stars.
34:22Miss call.
34:23Miss call.
34:23Miss call.
34:24Miss call.
34:24Miss call.
34:29I don't think you took my bed.
34:30I don't think you took my bed.
34:30Tim said you never picked it up.
34:32Thank you for the bed, Lucia.
34:33Miss call.
34:34Eileen 5R.
34:35A message from my neighbour.
34:36We have just been robbed.
34:37And then she's gone again.
34:39Lock your doors.
34:42Eileen, you stole my neighbour's bed.
34:44My bed's still here.
34:46You took the wrong bed from the wrong house.
34:48I did no such thing.
34:50Then she blocks me.
34:51I said, Eileen, place.
34:53Where is bed?
35:01You've had contact with the person that's going to murder you.
35:05I mean, 100%.
35:06Yeah, and that bed frame's still very much available.
35:10How much do you want for it?
35:13And here is your teaser.
35:15The words are penis hat.
35:16The clue is, don't be so dramatic.
35:18That's penis hat.
35:19Don't be so dramatic.
35:20See you after the break.
35:38Welcome back.
35:39The answer to the teaser.
35:39The words were penis hat.
35:41The clue was, don't be so dramatic.
35:43It was, of course, thespian.
35:44Rob and Kyle, you're 13 points behind.
35:47Yes.
35:48So, we thought we would give you a little bit of extra help,
35:51in the form of the award-winning comedian,
35:54winner of the Edinburgh Comedy Award, Sam Nickaresti.
35:57Woo!
35:58Welcome back.
35:59Welcome back.
36:05Nice to be here.
36:06Nice to be here.
36:06Sorry I'm late.
36:07I was backstage hanging out with the friendliest parrot in the world.
36:12Okay, so you won the Edinburgh Comedy Award, which is very impressive.
36:15But we're all winners here.
36:16Everyone's a leader in their field.
36:17We've got Britain's smallest man.
36:20TV's most chatty horse.
36:22And the world's most pointless mathematician.
36:25I don't know which one of us is the horse.
36:28There's three in the running.
36:35Now, have you brought a mascot?
36:37Do you know, I have brought a mascot, actually, Jimmy.
36:39Let me get it up.
36:40Here we go.
36:41How about this?
36:42Ooh!
36:43Yeah, I bought this from home.
36:45What do you reckon?
36:47Ah, nice.
36:47Have you seen this?
36:48Have you seen one of those before?
36:49Ooh!
36:50Wow!
36:50Yeah?
36:51Is that like that?
36:52Yeah.
36:53I like trains.
36:54I've got an affinity with trains.
36:55Because much like my hero, the Siberian Railway, I am also trans.
37:01So...
37:04APPLAUSE
37:08Just to explain, that's why I'm dressed like the ghosts of liberal future
37:11come to haunt your problematic nan at Christmas.
37:13That's the look.
37:14I don't know if anyone else here is really wearing it.
37:16Very hard.
37:17Very hard being trans.
37:18When I came out, I came out to my girlfriend a couple years ago
37:21and she was really good with it.
37:22But, like, you have to be honest, it's not really clear
37:25how you come out to your girlfriend about being trans.
37:28Like, what do you do?
37:28Sit down and say,
37:30Honey, huge news, you're gay.
37:32That's...
37:35I mean, we're in trouble.
37:36I was tuning into the news the other day
37:39and they were saying,
37:40ah, trans women, they better stay away from sports.
37:43My pleasure.
37:44What the hell?
37:47For me, that's the entire point.
37:49Do you know, like...
37:50I would have transitioned in secondary school
37:52if I knew it came with a sick note.
37:54That's just...
37:56Big fun.
37:57But, yes, my pronouns are she, they,
37:59but that's neither her nor their.
38:00And I...
38:03APPLAUSE
38:07OK, John, Roshi, your turn to choose the letters.
38:10Hello, Rachel.
38:11Hiya, John.
38:12Could we have a consonant, please?
38:14LAUGHTER
38:15Yes, boss.
38:16Aw!
38:17And another one, please.
38:19Oh, he's cheered up now he's won the maths.
38:21Well, he's done the maths,
38:22but I still don't think he can do Kyla's spelling.
38:24We're going to see that play out,
38:26and I'm quite excited.
38:27A vowel, please.
38:29O.
38:31A consonant, please.
38:33And I think Sam's going to be really good as well,
38:35so you really have to try hard.
38:37LAUGHTER
38:37A vowel, please.
38:40E.
38:41Another vowel, please, Rachel.
38:43I.
38:44And another consonant, then.
38:47C.
38:48Yeah, that's nice.
38:49Kick your vibes up.
38:50And a...
38:50Ooh!
38:51Love a consonant, please,
38:53in this game I love with my friends.
38:56N.
38:57And then...
38:58Another consonant, please, old friend.
39:02And my old mate.
39:03Aww.
39:04OK.
39:05All right.
39:05Your time starts now.
39:08MUSIC PLAYS
39:08MUSIC PLAYS
39:25MUSIC
39:38I've got five.
39:40You've got five.
39:41Kyle?
39:41How many?
39:42Seven.
39:43Seven.
39:43OK.
39:44Roisin?
39:45Five.
39:46OK.
39:47Sam, how many?
39:48I think I might have a nine.
39:50I think.
39:51John?
39:52I also have a nine.
39:54Oh!
39:55Oh!
39:55Oh!
39:56What is your five?
39:56My five is rinse.
39:59Rinse.
40:00Rob, your five?
40:02Gonna.
40:03Oh!
40:04Gonna.
40:04They're a goner.
40:05That is a word. Rinse, unfortunately, it has an S.
40:08Ha!
40:08Not a C.
40:12Roisin's a goner.
40:14He's a goner.
40:16What's your seven?
40:17Cringer.
40:18Cringer?
40:19Oh!
40:20No.
40:21Er, yes.
40:22Oh!
40:23Oh!
40:27Do you know what that looked like, Susie?
40:29That looked like the money hadn't hit your account yet.
40:35No.
40:36Oh, it has actually, yeah.
40:39OK, so, John, Sam, I'd like you to say your nine-letter word on the count of three.
40:44All right, you ready?
40:45One, two, three.
40:46Cornering.
40:47Wow.
40:48Is that 18 points for both teams?
40:54OK, here is your final teaser.
40:56The words are scene fart.
40:57The clue is, seal that up.
40:59That's scene fart.
41:00Seal that up.
41:01See you after the break.
41:17APPLAUSE
41:18Welcome back.
41:19The answer to the teaser.
41:19The words were scene fart.
41:20The clue was, seal that up.
41:22It was, of course, fastener.
41:24Ooh.
41:24OK, time for our final letters game.
41:27Sam, your turn to choose.
41:28Oh, my.
41:29OK.
41:30Please, may I have a consonant?
41:32You may, indeed.
41:33And...
41:34Oh, yes.
41:35And then two vowels.
41:38A, U.
41:40Consonant, please.
41:42D.
41:43OK.
41:44I think a vowel.
41:46Good choice.
41:47I.
41:49Well, now the pressure's on to make a good choice.
41:51Again, consonant, right?
41:52S.
41:53No.
41:53Not happy with that at all.
41:55No.
41:56Um...
41:57Consonant.
41:58M.
41:59A vowel.
42:00I've got another A.
42:02Er, and then a consonant.
42:03And the last one.
42:05R.
42:05Cool.
42:06I might have a crack on this, because I find the game boring.
42:09OK, your time starts...
42:13...now.
42:23Eh?
42:33Um...
42:49I don't know, bro?
42:51Come here.
42:52Yeah, set me up.
42:53If I click on this.
42:53APPLAUSE
42:59Rob, how many?
43:01Six.
43:02Kyle?
43:03Seven.
43:04Sam?
43:05Six.
43:06Roisin?
43:07Five.
43:09OK.
43:10John?
43:11Seven.
43:13Oh!
43:15Kyle!
43:16Roisin, your five?
43:18Metal.
43:19What, sorry?
43:22Metal?
43:23How are you spelling that incorrectly?
43:26How are you spelling the word that doesn't exist incorrectly?
43:30My, my, my towel?
43:32Yeah.
43:33Oh, yeah.
43:33That's the one.
43:34So you wrote a U and you couldn't be asked to finish it, so it was an L?
43:38It's not, it's just a sort of half-finish.
43:40Look, the word was causing me the most, so I gave up at the end.
43:42I thought, this isn't a word, so I bailed out on the U.
43:45But now, it seems like it is a word, am I right?
43:47Check your account.
43:51It's not in yet.
43:53Rob Russell.
43:54Er, rudest.
43:56Rudest.
43:56Rudest.
43:56Yeah.
43:57Yeah, that feels more on problem.
43:58How are you spelling rudest?
43:59Er, nudist with an R.
44:01R.
44:02Er...
44:02Oh, OK, she doesn't look happy.
44:04I can't believe this is in.
44:06Oh, well, tell you what, shove it.
44:09Because it is in.
44:11Do you know what it means?
44:12Absolutely not, no.
44:13No, it's a cone-shaped fossil bivalve mollusk.
44:16Absolutely.
44:17I just thought it was someone that was the rudest.
44:21I was going to go for audits, but I didn't want to panic.
44:23Jimmy.
44:25Er, Sam, you're six.
44:29Autism.
44:30What's your seven?
44:31Stadium.
44:31John, you're seven.
44:32I've got mustard.
44:33What's the other word?
44:35Marauds.
44:36Oh, you should have gone with that one.
44:37But I wasn't sure on the spelling of that, so I'm chickened out.
44:40He's never stopped Roisin.
44:43OK, seven points to both teams.
44:49OK, Lou, Susie, could they have done any better?
44:52More sevens.
44:53More sevens.
44:54We have Marauds and Traumas and Samurai.
44:56Ooh!
44:57Samurai would have been good.
44:59These are the words.
44:59OK, so Rob, Kyle and Sam have 37 points.
45:03John and Roisin have 50.
45:04Oh.
45:06Well done, Labour.
45:09OK, fingers on buzzers.
45:10Time for today's Countdown Conundrum.
45:12Your time starts now.
45:17BUZZER
45:18BUZZER
45:18BUZZER
45:25BUZZER
45:34BUZZER
45:35BUZZER
45:36BUZZER
45:36BUZZER
45:37Oh, Sam.
45:39Er, is it staunched?
45:42Is that even a word?
45:43Let's see if Sam is right
45:54So the final scores are our Robin Kyle and Sam have 47 points, but our winners John Roisin with 50
46:02Congratulations, you are now the proud owner of this the countdown camouflage
46:13To the audience and to all of you for watching at home. That's it for us. Good night
46:46You
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