- 2 days ago
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00:01Waaaaaaaah, woohoo!
00:03Pillars!
00:04Ah, pillows!
00:05Guess what Larry Barski just told me!
00:08There's a new girl that started school here today!
00:10Alright guys, alright!
00:11If there is a new girl at our school
00:12we're not gonna start putting claims on her
00:14and getting in a big fight.
00:15Look, look, there she is!
00:17Hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi.
00:20You guys will be really cute together.
00:22What are you gonna say to her?
00:23Nothing.
00:24Aw, token shy!
00:26Hey, guys, can I talk to you?
00:28What kind of stuff is the new girl saying about Token?
00:30Well, Token's really shy, so I'm just here sort of on his behalf to let her know that, you know,
00:35she might have to make the first move.
00:37One of the boys here already has a crush on you.
00:39Oh!
00:41That boy Token.
00:42Yeah, yeah, go for it, Nicole.
00:44I kind of think this other boy is cute.
00:46That kid with the orange coat and the green hat.
00:48She loves Kyle.
00:50What?
00:51Kyle.
00:51Nicole loves Kyle.
00:52Hey, uh, Nicole, right?
00:54Could I talk to you for a second? Just for a second, right over here?
00:57Listen, I heard through the grapevine that you've got a thing for Kyle.
01:00Um, there's something you should probably know.
01:02Me and Kyle are kind of, you know, together.
01:05It sucks because he acts like we're not a couple at school because he's embarrassed, but we get home and
01:09he's the best boyfriend I've ever had.
01:10And just, you know, stay away from my man, bitch.
01:12At the end of P.E. class, tell Nicole that the gym teacher wants some towels delivered to the boys'
01:17locker room.
01:18Coach wants you to take these to the boys' locker room.
01:20Okay.
01:21Guys! Guys, get outside! It's the Batmobile!
01:25Where?
01:26I don't see a b-b-b-batmobile.
01:33Ah!
01:34Ah!
01:35I'm sorry!
01:41Don't worry. It's gonna be okay.
01:43And maybe somebody even left some food laying around.
01:45Somebody left a deli platter.
01:47And board games.
01:48Good.
01:52Hey, thanks a lot for making me feel safe in there.
01:54Now that it's over, I guess it was kind of fun.
01:57I don't know. Maybe we should get some lunch tomorrow.
02:00I'd like that.
02:01Thanks again.
02:03We did it, Eric. We found them each other's way of Sanchez.
02:09Did you see that? Token was gonna push her, but then he tickled her instead.
02:12You motherfucker!
02:13Ah! Kyle! Jesus Christ!
02:15What the hell are you doing telling people that we're a gay couple?
02:18You were standing in the way of Token and Nicole. They belong together!
02:20You fat, racist piece of fucking garbage!
02:23I'm a racist, huh?
02:24Look, look, what about Luke Covina and Maria Sanchez?
02:27Is it a coincidence they ended up together?
02:29Actually, I heard they're together because they got locked in the school gym overnight a few months ago.
02:33You are gonna tell everyone that you lied and that we aren't a couple.
02:36Look at how happy they are!
02:39Is it that you want to ruin that, or are you just homophobic?
02:42God damn it!
02:45Your mother tells me that you already have a boyfriend at school.
02:49This boy is... black.
02:51You know, just because you're black doesn't mean you can only date black boys.
02:56I'm not saying it's wrong, I'm just saying she's gonna have to deal with racist people out there.
03:00It's not like that, Dad. We just happen to like each other.
03:04And we are very happy for you, sweetheart.
03:16Hey, Token.
03:17What's up?
03:18Listen, I don't think this is gonna work out.
03:21Oh. I'll see you around.
03:24Okay.
03:28It's not fair!
03:29It's not gonna be okay! Why did they break up?
03:33Looks like somebody could use a little arrow of Sanchez.
03:39You're fishing! And fucking die!
03:47Hey, man. You okay?
03:50Just didn't work out?
03:52Yeah, I guess.
03:53So then, she's gonna be seeing other people?
03:56Yeah, we're through.
04:00I'm sorry, Kyle. I like girls.
04:03Huh?
04:03Dude, what the fuck?
04:04We'll be back with more of the Jeffersons right after this.
04:08I can't be constipated on the job. That's why I need soft serve.
04:15Because when the going gets tough, the tough gets going!
04:18That's right!
04:21Oh.
04:24Please come back.
04:26I know I got a little angry, but...
04:28I believe in you.
04:29They need us.
04:31And I need you.
04:32Come on, Twinkle Stars. We got work to do.
04:37Hi. Can I speak to Nicole, please?
04:39I'm sorry, but she's at the Denver Nuggets game.
04:42She went with a nice white Jewish boy.
04:46And now, here to sing the national anthem, country music...
04:54Tickets, please.
04:56Go, Tim!
04:57Dicks!
04:58Attention! Attention, please!
05:00This is a message for all of you out there who have just ended a relationship.
05:03When you start to have something special, you have to work at it.
05:08Don't let society dictate who you can and can't be with.
05:12Kyle, I love you very well.
05:14I want to hold you every morning. I love you every night, Kyle.
05:17By the moon and the stars and the sky.
05:22That fat turd up there is the one who set up you and Token because he thinks blacks belong together.
05:26The Batmobile's outside.
05:28Seriously, you guys gotta see it. It's the Batmobile. It's outside.
05:37Token!
05:38Hey!
05:39Token, I'm so sorry.
05:44Maybe we can give it another try?
05:45I just think you're a great person.
05:47The color of your skin doesn't matter.
05:50Oh my god, so cute!
05:53A place for everything and everything in its place.
05:56People who are the same belong together.
05:58And I found somebody who's just the same as you!
06:03What?
06:05Yes!
06:10Yeah, nice one, Clyde!
06:11Clyde, get up here! Hurry!
06:15What is that?
06:17We've been through this countless times, Clyde!
06:19Okay, bub...
06:19Put it down! Put it down!
06:23Thank you!
06:26Dude, that sucks, Clyde.
06:28Look, could you guys just...
06:29not say anything about this at school, please?
06:31Clyde! Clyde!
06:32What if I told you about pissing on the seat?
06:36Carmen, it was actually really lame.
06:38I know, right?
06:39Clyde!
06:41There you are!
06:42Clyde Donovan, you come home this instant!
06:45Mom, I'm in class.
06:46I was trying to get ready for work,
06:48and the toilet seat was up again!
06:49If I had sat down,
06:51I would have gotten toilet water all over my vagina!
06:53You are coming home right now, Clyde,
06:55and you are putting the toilet seat down where it belongs!
07:00Clyde had to get up in the middle of class
07:02and follow his mom home
07:04to put the toilet seat down!
07:06I know, fat ass, I was there.
07:08It's not that funny.
07:09Don't you feel just a little bad for Clyde?
07:12Uh-uh.
07:16They're trying to save Clyde's mom!
07:18Clyde left the toilet seat up again.
07:21When she fell into the toilet,
07:23she also made it flush.
07:24Can't we disconnect the toilet?
07:26Yes, we'll have to, but
07:27when we do that,
07:28we'll rip out her organs.
07:29I want you to know
07:31I don't blame you for this.
07:33Just please put the seat down
07:35from now on.
07:37Let me go!
07:38Let me go!
07:38Do it!
07:39Do it!
07:40No!
07:41No!
07:42No!
07:42No!
07:42No!
07:43No!
07:45No!
07:45Bob, it isn't a woman's responsibility
07:47to see that the seat is down.
07:49It's a man's responsibility
07:50to put it down.
07:52Yeah, that's right!
07:54Putting the toilet seat down
07:56isn't that hard.
07:58So is it too much to ask women
08:01to just look?
08:02Please have some respect!
08:03There's a little boy here
08:05who has lost his mother!
08:06Because he couldn't put the toilet seat down
08:09when he was done peeing.
08:12Mom, get the door!
08:15Hello, ma'am.
08:16We're the Toilet Safety Administration.
08:17Can we come in?
08:18Uh, sure.
08:20Hey, hey!
08:20That's my bathroom!
08:21Oh, yeah.
08:22We're gonna have to completely redo this, ma'am.
08:24We'll go ahead and install your safety belt.
08:26Toilets to be fitted with a safety harness
08:28so that nobody can fall in.
08:29This is for your safety.
08:31A woman died, you know.
08:32So we were just wondering
08:34if we could sue somebody.
08:35You can always sue somebody.
08:37Here we go.
08:38Inventor of the Toilet.
08:40John Harrington.
08:41Died 1692.
08:43So then we can't sue him?
08:44Here at Hoffman & Turk,
08:45we specialize in suing the dead.
08:47A suance can be very...
08:50expensive.
08:51How much do you have?
08:52Clyde got $3,000 from his mom's life insurance.
08:54That's exactly how much a suance costs.
08:58Wow.
08:59That's weird.
09:02Hey, hey, officer.
09:04Oh, come on.
09:05Don't give me a ticket.
09:06Gotta wear the safety belt
09:07or you could fall in.
09:08You can pay this by mail
09:10or appear in court on that date.
09:11Yeah, thanks.
09:13Asshole.
09:13Stupid Toilet Safety Administration.
09:16You can't even take a crap at IHOP
09:17without a 40-minute line.
09:19This is inhumane.
09:20Shut up!
09:22Taking a dump today, ma'am?
09:24I just needs to check inside your asshole.
09:27Okay, I'm done.
09:29I don't need you wiping my ass for me.
09:31Yes, you're a big boy, aren't you, sir?
09:34I'm a big boy.
09:35I took a big boy poop.
09:38Put your coffee in the plastic tray, please, start.
09:42Yeah, yeah.
09:43I just needs to check your asshole.
09:46Asshole clear?
09:47Hey, what's that thing?
09:50Oh, you people have me on camera now?
09:52It's time for us to stand together
09:54and say we want the government out of our bathroom.
09:57All we have to do is bolt our toilet seats down.
10:00If the seat can't raise up,
10:02then men will just pee all over it.
10:03How about we agree to that
10:05if men will agree that they will always sit down to urinate?
10:09What about us loggers?
10:11Hard-working men who like to stand up
10:13after they've taken a poo
10:14and then turn around and cut their poo in half
10:17with their urine?
10:18Yeah, I think we gotta just live with the TSA.
10:20Yeah.
10:21Yeah.
10:21Yeah, right, yeah.
10:55Shock and outrage ensued
10:57after an unknown terrorist
10:58managed to get through TSA security with a gun.
11:01The head TSA chief of operations had this to say.
11:06Shit.
11:08Why have we given up freedom
11:09if terrorists can take a hostage in a bathroom
11:11with a baby and a gun on the toilet?
11:14It is time for a sue-off.
11:17Yeah!
11:17Sir Thomas Harrington,
11:20your extreme negligence
11:21hath cost taxpayers millions.
11:23You will be sued, spirit.
11:25Appear before this court, Harrington.
11:33Clyde?
11:34This lawyer is a fraud.
11:36You can't sue the dead, Clyde.
11:39Don't try to blame Mommy's death
11:41on anything but your failure
11:43to do something I asked you
11:44time and time again to do.
11:46Now hold on just a second!
11:48It's not anyone's fault!
11:51You can't sue me!
11:53You're all using my toilet invention
11:55the wrong way!
11:56You're supposed to be facing this way!
11:59Why would I design it
12:00so that when you're finished
12:01taking a Sir Harrington,
12:02you have to stand up,
12:04turn around,
12:04and look down right at your Harrington
12:06to flush!
12:07Oh!
12:09It's all like,
12:10Clyde!
12:10What have I told you, Clyde,
12:11you asshole?
12:12Dude, it was a riot!
12:15That's not what I said.
12:17I know you've had a tough week, Clyde,
12:18but at least your mom
12:19didn't die for nothing.
12:21Clyde?
12:21Clyde, you there?
12:22Hello?
12:36Well, Dad,
12:37it was really great seeing you.
12:38I got a present
12:40from my grandson!
12:41It's time for you
12:42to have something expensive.
12:45Isn't that beautiful, Stan?
12:47Grandpa,
12:48how much did you spend on that?
12:50Six thousand dollars.
12:51Dad,
12:52you shouldn't be spending
12:53your retirement money
12:54on frivolous things!
12:55You should be saving it
12:56for when you die!
12:57That's our money!
12:59Nice bolo, Ty, Stan.
13:01Look,
13:01it was a gift from my grandpa,
13:02okay,
13:03and it cost a lot of money.
13:04Dude,
13:05it's fucking gay as fuck.
13:06I know!
13:07Why don't you take it
13:08to one of those pond places?
13:09Every two blocks,
13:10you see a guy with a sign
13:11that says
13:11cash for gold and jewelry.
13:14It's 14 karat gold.
13:16I'll give you $15.
13:18That cost my grandpa
13:19$6,000!
13:20I'd have to send it
13:21to a smelter,
13:22have it all smelted down
13:23for the gold.
13:23Probably could make
13:24a $10 profit.
13:25Dude,
13:26this guy's trying to rook us.
13:26We can go someplace else.
13:27Yeah,
13:28I'm not getting taken
13:28advantage of.
13:29These are real diamonds, right?
13:31Yeah, dude,
13:32you can test them.
13:33$8.
13:35Welcome to Taco Bell.
13:36I want to see how much
13:37you'll give me
13:37for this gold and turquoise
13:38diamond bolo.
13:3914 karat gold,
13:40catch it.
13:41I guess I can give you
13:42a six-layer burrito for it.
13:45My grandpa paid $6,000
13:47for something
13:48barely worth anything.
13:49How does something
13:50like this happen?
13:51You want to get in
13:52on these deals,
13:53call now.
13:54Look at these
13:55stunning earrings.
13:57These earrings normally
13:58go for $6 million.
14:01$320.
14:02I believe we have a sale.
14:04Do we have a sale?
14:04Who am I speaking with?
14:06Um,
14:08my name is
14:09Vivian.
14:10At that price,
14:11you practically
14:12stole them from us.
14:13Ouch!
14:14How do they get away
14:15with that?
14:15This is a new time.
14:16For centuries,
14:17alchemists have tried
14:18to come up with the formula
14:19to make gold.
14:21Guys with Cash for Gold Science
14:22gets you people's
14:23unwanted crappy jewelry
14:24divided by demented
14:26old people equals
14:27gold.
14:29Somebody's about to get
14:30this $20,000
14:31topaz and copper ring.
14:33I'm buying it
14:34for my grandson,
14:35Billy.
14:36Grandpa?
14:38How about that, folks?
14:40That is Brazilian
14:41Emerald.
14:41Not wasting your time
14:43here.
14:43You can't afford
14:44not to buy this one.
14:45You don't have
14:45a lot of time left.
14:47Grandpa?
14:48Don't you think
14:49your sister would
14:49like that?
14:50She doesn't like
14:51jewelry, Grandpa.
14:52She's just a baby
14:54after all.
14:55She's not a baby,
14:56Grandpa.
14:57She's 13.
14:58Right.
14:59Right, boy.
15:01Billy,
15:01did I ever tell you
15:03I used to have
15:04a border collie
15:05named Patches?
15:06I love that dog.
15:08I can't remember
15:09what she looked like,
15:10Billy.
15:10Don't worry, Grandpa.
15:12I'm gonna take care
15:13of this.
15:14And that's it.
15:15We've just sold
15:16this bracelet
15:17to Miss Marsha Tubbs.
15:19You there, Marsha?
15:23I'm lost walking
15:24out on the freeway.
15:26This is...
15:27Oh, we got a caller
15:27already on this one.
15:29What you do
15:29is sort of unjustifiable.
15:31You're the definition
15:32of evil.
15:33I just read
15:34that the day shopping
15:35networks make most
15:36of their money
15:36is on the day seniors
15:37pick up social security
15:38checks.
15:39Your only chance
15:40to right the wrongs
15:41you've done
15:42and repay all
15:43the elderly people
15:43whose lives you've
15:44destroyed is to
15:45kill yourself.
15:46I'm not joking.
15:48Do it.
15:50Okay, next item.
15:52This is 200-karat
15:53Brazilian emerald
15:54and plasticine ring.
15:55$8 billion.
15:57Tell you what,
15:57I'm gonna take it down
15:58a little.
15:58We're gonna drop
15:58that price to $75.95.
16:01Butters, looks like,
16:02did we sell it?
16:03Yep.
16:04Hello?
16:05Yes, you just bought
16:05this lovely 200-karat ring.
16:07Can I ask you something,
16:08Mrs. Appleby?
16:08Do you like fucking
16:09little boys?
16:10You just got an
16:11$8 billion ring
16:12for $75.95.
16:13You fucked me good,
16:14Mrs. Appleby.
16:14Congratulations, ma'am.
16:16I thought it'd be
16:17a lovely gift
16:18for my granddaughter,
16:19Jessica.
16:20Okay, thanks for
16:21shopping with us.
16:22Bah!
16:22Man, that's good acting.
16:23I should get an award.
16:29Do you have any idea
16:31what it would feel like
16:31to start losing your memories?
16:33All we do is
16:34smelter down what we get
16:35from the cash-for-goat places.
16:36Whoever smelt it,
16:38dealt it.
16:39We aren't the ones
16:40who denied you
16:41what your jewelry
16:41was really worth.
16:42The Hindu saying
16:44is actually,
16:45whoever denied it,
16:46supplied it.
16:47You are the scums
16:49of the earth.
16:49And you kick back
16:50in your fat cat mansions
16:52making billions.
16:53We aren't making
16:54that much, fellas.
16:56The old Hindu saying
16:57is, whoever smelt it,
16:58dealt it.
16:59Nuh-uh.
16:59It's whoever denied it,
17:01supplied it.
17:01It's all made in India.
17:03Where those Hindu rhymes
17:04come from!
17:05That's right.
17:06Whoever made the rhyme
17:08did the crime.
17:11Hello?
17:12I can't get enough
17:13of people's unwanted
17:14crappy jewelry
17:14to keep up,
17:15so I'd like to buy
17:15some of yours.
17:16I don't know,
17:17I guess I'll take
17:17that ring there.
17:18Oh, you make
17:19some good choice!
17:21You take advantage
17:22of my road prices!
17:23You like a fucker
17:24Asian, lady?
17:26What'd you say?
17:26Wait a minute.
17:27How much do you pay
17:28for this stuff?
17:29Okay, quit the act.
17:30I'm not fucking you
17:30and you know it.
17:31No, no, you fuck me!
17:33Fuck you!
17:34You see,
17:35I'm looking to cut out
17:36the middleman.
17:38Motherfuckers!
17:38How dare you take advantage
17:40of those less fortunate!
17:41You guys stole my formula
17:42then tried to fuck me!
17:43Butters!
17:44Sorry!
17:45And then tried to fuck me
17:46out of your business!
17:47Somebody is at the head
17:48of all this
17:49and somebody needs to pay!
17:52No, not a diamond
17:53and gold necklace!
18:07No, not a diamond
18:08and gold necklace!
18:08I'm not fucking you!
18:11I'm not fucking you!
18:17I'm not fucking you!
18:23I'm not fucking you!
18:23I'm not fucking you!
18:25I'm not fucking you!
18:26I'm not fucking you!
18:26I'm not fucking you!
18:26I'm not fucking you!
18:27I'm not fucking you!
18:28I'm not fucking you!
18:29I'm not fucking you!
18:29I'm not fucking you!
18:33I'm not fucking you!
18:38Yeah. Actually, this might kind of work. So then, we went to India, which is pretty cool, I guess.
18:44Uh, sounds like you had a fun weekend.
18:47I wanted to give you something.
18:49Oh, old Patches. There's that slobberin' happy face. That means a lot.
18:56That bolo tie you're wearing, it's fucking gay as fuck.
19:03And we got- Oh, do we have a buyer on the line? Hello?
19:05Hello? What are you waiting for? He was right. Do it.
19:11You're too scared to do it, aren't you? You don't have the balls. You got- You got lady balls.
19:19I got a gun right here. What do you think about that?
19:22I'm Paul the Trigger.
19:29You find a good catcher's bed, Cartman? Dude, how come when we play baseball, I always have to be the
19:33catcher?
19:34Well, because you've got sharp reflexes, and you're fucking fat.
19:37Dude, I'm not fat. I don't drive around on a mobility scooter like that bitch.
19:40Excuse me.
19:44Why do they even allow those things in stores?
19:47They don't just allow them, they have them available at the front.
19:49Candy corn Oreos. Holy hell yes!
19:52Look around, doesn't this bother you at all?
19:54If you don't change something, that's you. In about a year.
19:58Are those candy corn Oreos?
20:04I've been doing a lot of thinking about what you said at Walmart.
20:08I'm fucking fat, Cal. I'm fucking fat as fucking fuck.
20:12I'm not gonna live like some slug who can't even leave his house because he can't get around.
20:18Sweet!
20:20All I needed was a few extra pounds and the insurance company paid for my own private one.
20:24I can seriously go from my bed to Walmart and never have to touch the floor once.
20:30Hmm.
20:30You gotta make your bathroom accessible for my mobility scooter or else I won't be able to take a shit
20:34in your house.
20:35Your bathroom has to be the code for my mobility scooter. It's the law.
20:38I'll look past it this time, but you better get that bathroom up to code if you don't want a
20:40lawsuit.
20:41Well, I'm off to go try and take a shit at Vespa, I guess. See ya, Cal.
20:46Nobody understands how embarrassing it is to live with obesity.
20:49You're made to feel different. To feel like less of a person.
20:53But even at Disneyland, I get reminded of my weight.
20:56Oh, jeez, look how fat I am. I'm just mortified, you guys.
20:59Can't believe I...
21:00Hey! What the fuck is this?
21:03Hey, that kid in the middle isn't even fat!
21:06I don't have legs.
21:08To go through all the shame and daily ridicule, and then not be able to take a simple shit at
21:13Vespa?
21:13To be told by some Best Buy manager that your mobility scooter can't fit in his bathroom?
21:17It's just so belittling, you know?
21:19After all I've been through, can't I just take a dump at Vespa?
21:23Stop it, you kids! Stop!
21:26Stop!
21:28The government warns that rascal tipping can be dangerous.
21:32To counter the crisis, the Department of Health has called for $25 million in aid,
21:36so that all mobility scooters can be fitted with a tip assist device.
21:43Oh, yeah, nice.
21:45Yeah, that works pretty well.
21:46Did you know that all over our country, people in mobility scooters are being victimized?
21:49Our culture celebrates anorexia and tries to make us ashamed
21:52if we don't have slim stomachs and perky little tits like Kyle.
21:55You should be ashamed of yourself, Kyle!
21:57Eating your latkes and gefilte fish and then putting your fingers down your throat
22:00because society tells you how to look?
22:02I may be fat, but I'm not Honey Boo Boo!
22:05Who's Honey Boo Boo?
22:06My name's Honey Boo Boo, and I'm a beauty queen!
22:09I'm only six, and I've already had three heart attacks, girlfriend!
22:13Come on! Come on now, Boo Boo!
22:15Now get up and wave to them judges!
22:19Jesus, dude.
22:21It's like something's lowered the bar to the point that nobody feels any shame anymore.
22:27Come on! Hurry it up in there!
22:28That's accessible now!
22:30Cool, let me try and take a shit in this real quick!
22:32How can we make people see the difference between being sensitive to obesity and letting fat people walk all over
22:38us?
22:38Something like a documentary.
22:40You know, follow Cartman around with a video camera, and then get all his bullshit on television.
22:44If you want to follow Cartman around and get video of him, I'll pay to make it into a documentary.
22:49Really?
22:49Thanks, dude!
22:50I'm gonna go get a video camera!
22:52If you're gonna have Kyle video that stuff for you, you should probably tell him the truth.
22:57Kyle will get what he wants, and so will I.
23:00Ladies and gentlemen, it is our hope that this film will cast light on a serious issue.
23:06He's chubby, he's filthy, and he's just a little bit nuts.
23:10Fatty doo-doo!
23:12Who's that scootin' on a scooter? Fatty doo-doo.
23:16Scotty foo-foo.
23:19Fatty poo-poo.
23:21I don't yell.
23:23Just suit me up.
23:26I only know.
23:28What have you done?
23:30Kyle, Kyle, I'm trying to make compelling television.
23:33How can you sit there and collect money on a show that's about a fat child killing himself?
23:37I can remember exactly where I was the first time I saw Honey Boo Boo.
23:41If they can feel okay about that, why can't I?
23:46What if Honey Boo Boo was a little black girl?
23:48But she's not black, Kyle.
23:50She's white.
23:51The bar is determined by society, Kyle.
23:54And it's not something that can just be raised up.
23:58I just don't know what to do.
24:00But should I feel shame?
24:01If I kind of go with it, is it really unfair to Cartman?
24:05What is it exactly you're trying to do?
24:06Make some money off him.
24:08Like Honey Boo Boo.
24:09Honey Boo Boo's heart gave out.
24:11It's really serious.
24:13Well, the doctor said Honey Boo Boo needs a heart transplant.
24:17I'm gettin' a pig heart!
24:19This one here?
24:20You want this one?
24:22I want that one's heart.
24:23It looked at me funny.
24:25I just hope when she does her pageants, the judges don't take away points because she's
24:30got a pig heart.
24:33She's got a pig heart now.
24:35She thinks she's a pack of derm.
24:37It is a violation of my civil rights token, making money off of people's handicaps.
24:43As soon as he gets in here, he will be handing you a cease and desist order.
24:46It actually aired last night.
24:48It didn't do so good.
24:49We got killed in the ratings by Honey Boo Boo.
24:50That little bitch beat me in the ratings?
24:53Nobody beats my ratings!
24:54Give me a plane ticket!
24:55That bitch is going down!
24:59You're going down, bitch!
25:01Nobody takes my ratings!
25:18I ain't done with you, bitch.
25:22How did Shamelessness get to this?
25:24Maybe it was us.
25:27There's no going back, Stan.
25:28I don't know why we were watching that garbage in the first place.
25:31This is all wrong!
25:33Stop!
25:34What are we doing?
25:36From now on, I'm going to dedicate this administration to fighting childhood obesity.
25:49I think we've been given another chance.
25:54The city isn't what it used to be.
25:57Everything went to crap.
25:59The bad economy made things worse.
26:01Then a black man was elected president.
26:03He was supposed to change things.
26:05He didn't.
26:06Dark times.
26:08The city needs protection.
26:09I am the hero this town needs.
26:12The killer.
26:18A woman being raped.
26:20This is what our city has been reduced to.
26:23Get out of here!
26:24Get to safety!
26:26Lisa!
26:27Call me!
26:28Another woman saved from rape.
26:30But how many more rapists are out there?
26:31You guys hear that another rape victim got saved by a superhero last night?
26:36They say it was the coon.
26:38Who is the coon?
26:39It's what everyone must be asking themselves.
26:42Somebody is dressing up at night and taking the law into their own hands.
26:45Yeah, and dressing up and running around at night is faggy anyway.
26:48Fuck you!
26:49Dude, what?
26:50He's not a fag!
26:52Why do you care?
26:54Oh.
26:55I, uh...
26:57Well, I'm just...
26:58Is he a hero or a menace?
27:00While we can all admit that the coon is obviously really cool,
27:04why does he sacrifice himself every night to rid our streets of crime?
27:07What we all need now...
27:09Clyde, Clyde, could you wake up, please?
27:10It's important.
27:11I believe that tonight the coon is going to be on the roof of Walgreens.
27:14I know I'll be there with my camera.
27:16I'm sure many of you will, too.
27:18Sometimes it seems the more criminals I try to stop,
27:21the more it just come out of the back alleys and dilapidated bars.
27:28Who the hell are you?
27:30I'm an angel keeping watch over the city at night.
27:32I am Mysterion.
27:34My identity must remain a secret.
27:35You cannot know.
27:37Yeah, well, you cannot know my true identity, either.
27:40You don't care about stopping crime.
27:41You're just doing this because you hate me, Kyle.
27:42Kyle hates Eric Cartman.
27:44Are you saying you're Eric Cartman?
27:45No, I'm...
27:46I'm saying that...
27:48I cannot stand here and make idle conversation any longer.
27:51No!
27:52Dude, I'm seriously...
27:53You're being a copycat.
27:54I'll sue you!
27:58I try to do good stuff and nobody even notices.
28:02Tonight, an incredible story.
28:03But who exactly is Mysterion?
28:07What?
28:08Well, I think he's kind of a symbol for the town, you know?
28:12A symbol that everyone who's sick of crime can rally behind.
28:15If you have any idea about the true identity of Mysterion,
28:19please call the 9 News hotline.
28:24AHHHHH!
28:25Ah, Mysterion.
28:26Thank God you've come.
28:27There's some graffiti on the bridge again.
28:29And the guy at the movie theater is harassing Mexicans again.
28:32Thank you for all your help.
28:38I know it's you, Kyle.
28:39Just stop.
28:40I don't have time for this.
28:44Fireworks are illegal in Colorado, you asshole!
28:47So, guys, any of you do anything interesting last night?
28:50Nobody was playing with any fireworks?
28:54Now, come on, which one of you guys is it?
28:56How are you so sure Mysterion is a boy?
28:59Fucking bitch.
28:59Look what the cat dragged in.
29:02Come out where I can see you.
29:06Come to put a stop to me again.
29:08I didn't call you to fight, Chaos.
29:10I came to see if you know Mysterion's identity.
29:13Now, General Disarray!
29:16AHH!
29:17Knock it off!
29:18Yeah!
29:18We made him, General Disarray!
29:20This isn't me!
29:21I want to help you get rid of Mysterion!
29:26Because Mysterion is trying to...
29:28AHH!
29:28No, fucker, that's fucking hurt!
29:31Because Mysterion is trying to say he's the hero this town needs.
29:34But that's my job.
29:35I will show you what we know about Mysterion's identity this way.
29:39We will now show you our secret headquarters of Doom.
29:42Using our photos, we are trying to pinpoint Mysterion's identity.
29:46Based on his body type, it's got to be someone like Stan or Kyle.
29:49All right, look, Chaos.
29:50Just set up a video camera.
29:52I know how we can put an end to Mysterion once and for all.
29:55Two days ago, an evil, unknown terrorist threatened major consequences if Mysterion does not reveal his identity.
30:02Mark my words, South Park.
30:04Your precious hero is now your undoing.
30:08If Mysterion does not unmask himself publicly by Wednesday night, I am going to blow up a hospital.
30:15Jesus Christ!
30:17Since the threat was issued, there has been no sign of Mysterion.
30:20But you really want to blow up a hospital?
30:23Sometimes blowing up hospitals is for the greater good, Chaos.
30:26All right, Chaos.
30:27I'm going to get the triggers for these things at Ace Hardware.
30:29Oh, jeez, General Disarray.
30:31This is a lot more than I ever really intended.
30:33Ha!
30:34I'm a Mysterion!
30:35I'm a...
30:35I'm a...
30:36I'm a...
30:37Why are you doing this?
30:50He's dead.
30:51Wait!
30:52Look!
30:55Oh my god!
30:56Look, everyone!
30:57It's the king!
30:58The king will now help you!
31:00Oh, jeez, I think I broke a tooth!
31:04That was great teamwork, Mysterion.
31:06South Park is safe.
31:07Until next time.
31:09Won't be long before the next villain comes along and threatens violence unless you take
31:13off your mask.
31:17Citizens!
31:18Tonight has shown me I have no choice but to unmask myself.
31:22As long as my identity is a mystery, this will just happen again and again.
31:26It has to end.
31:28I will show my face.
31:34I knew it was you!
31:35Remember, I even said it before!
31:37Well, I'm sorry, but you're under arrest.
31:39Take the kid to jail.
31:43With Mysterion out of the way, the king can finally go back to keeping the city safe.
31:48Every town needs...
31:50I can't.
31:54Yeah, because you're a drunk piece of shit, Dan!
31:56Both of you sit the fuck down!
31:59They're noisy!
32:00They're nasty!
32:02They're white trash!
32:04They can't help getting arrested!
32:07White trash in trouble!
32:08This white trash home in Colorado seems innocent enough, but the children in this home live
32:14in a world of neglect!
32:18Get down on the ground!
32:19Let's go!
32:19Let's move!
32:20Get down on the ground!
32:21Let's go!
32:22Let's move!
32:22You're hurting my arm!
32:23My babies!
32:24Now, please look at the camera and say, I'm white trash and I'm in trouble!
32:29I'm white trash and I'm in trouble!
32:31I'm white trash and I'm in trouble!
32:31Alright, good!
32:31Now get in the car!
32:32Hey, Kenny!
32:34Kenny, wave!
32:35Just have a seat in there, kids.
32:37Welcome to your new home.
32:38As long as you live here, you will be agnostic.
32:42David, do you believe in God?
32:44I don't know.
32:45Right!
32:46Beverages you may take from the refrigerator as you like.
32:49Dr. Pepper and Diet Dr. Pepper.
32:51Because what flavor is it?
32:53It is neither root beer nor cola.
32:54To find out who the poorest kid is, I actually was able to see which kids in school got those
32:58coupons they hand out for school lunch.
33:00Well, actually, Eric, it's you.
33:03What?
33:04Now that Kenny's gone, your household actually has the lowest income.
33:07If we found this out, it's only a matter of time before everybody else does.
33:10You guys hear how poor Cartman's mom is?
33:12His mom is so poor, the ducks throw bread at her!
33:15Ha!
33:15I beat you to it, Keo!
33:18My name is not Keo.
33:22That's Keo!
33:23Whatever, Keo!
33:24Must be nice having everything you want!
33:27Mom, how are you going to start bringing more money into this household?
33:30Eric, I'm working two jobs.
33:32Mommy's doing everything she can.
33:34With Kenny gone, I'm now the poorest kid in skew!
33:36What?
33:37Life isn't handed to you, Mom!
33:39You can't just sit on your ass and expect for money to appear!
33:41My mom is so poor when she heard about the last supper she thought she was running out of
33:44food stamps!
33:45Oh!
33:46It's not funny, Mom!
33:47I wish I could be put in a cool foster home like Kenny's family!
33:56Oh, it's you!
33:58You are going to be okay, Karen!
34:00You have to keep believing that!
34:02But I'm all alone now!
34:03You are not alone!
34:04I will always be here!
34:06What in the name of nobody knows are you doing, Karen?
34:14Why is there a meth lab in your backyard?
34:16Were things so bad for you financially you had to turn to a life of crime?
34:19Well, guess I'm off to a foster home then!
34:22It's going to take me years to recover from being torn from my mother's arms!
34:25Now look at the camera and say, I'm white trash and I'm in trouble!
34:28I'm white trash and I'm in trouble!
34:33What the...
34:34Dude, this is like poorer than my old house!
34:36What the heck are you all here?
34:38You're my new ma'am?
34:39You can call me Mom if you like!
34:40Alright, Mom, how much money do you make?
34:43This is where you'll sleep with your foster brothers!
34:46Goddamn!
34:47I gotta sleep in a room with six other people?!
34:48Hey!
34:49We do not take the Lord's name in vain in this house, just in case there is one!
34:52Ma'am! Dad's being mean to me!
34:55Ma'am!
34:57My name is not meme.
35:01These kids all seem kind of mean!
35:03You've already been here a while, Kenny, so you have to introduce me to your friends, okay?
35:06Oh, hey, Kenny. Who's this?
35:08Okay, alright, so listen! I know our family is poor, okay?
35:11The poor kid in this school is Jacob Hallery.
35:13Really?
35:14Yeah, dude.
35:15Yes! Yes! Did you hear that, Kenny? We're good!
35:18Cause I'm not, I'm not the poor kid in ski!
35:22Greenly, Colorado's the place to be!
35:24It's a whole new beginning for you and me!
35:27And that he's not the poor kid in ski!
35:29Let's put our hands up, everyone!
35:31Except for Jacob, his mom is so poor she only understands hand out!
35:34Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!
35:36We do not tolerate students making fun of other students.
35:39A 20-minute song and dance number directed at Jacob Hallery,
35:44which ended in a finale with fireworks.
35:47I was a-teasing!
35:49Principal! You gotta send help to the playground!
35:51They're about to beat up that new kid!
35:53Aw, look at the new kid and her little dolly!
35:56Come on, hand over the dolly!
35:58Come on, hand over the doll!
36:07Where did he take you after he saved you, Kieran?
36:10He just took me back to my classroom.
36:12What have we told you about making up angel stories?
36:15But we saw him!
36:16I kicked the crap out of Jessica Pickerton!
36:20Get down to the basement, all of you!
36:24Ah!
36:26I didn't see an angel!
36:28You might have seen one!
36:29Hit him with the Dr. Pepper again!
36:31Are there such things as angels?
36:34Maybe.
36:35Good!
36:36Ah!
36:37What did we do, Kenny?
36:42What the-
36:44Who did this?
36:47It was like a...
36:49Little mystery person.
36:55There's nothing in there but Dr. Pepper, right?
36:58There can't be.
37:00How did that get here?
37:02It says it's a...
37:04Pabst Blue Ribbon.
37:06What is it?
37:07It's like beer, but different.
37:12Shut your mouth, bitch!
37:14You shut your mouth, you dumb fucking asshole!
37:17Now look at the camera and say,
37:18I'm white trash and I'm in trouble.
37:20I'm white trash and I'm in trouble!
37:22Wait a minute.
37:22I'm white trash and I'm in trouble!
37:25Well, it sure is good to have you back, Kenny.
37:27There he is.
37:28There's my buddy.
37:29Cause I'm not.
37:30He's not.
37:30He's not.
37:31The poor kid is key.
37:33Now I'm rich just like Stan and Kim.
37:35Cause I'm not.
37:35He's not.
37:36He's not.
37:37That's right.
37:37The poor kid is key.
37:39He's not.
37:44He's not.
37:44Oh, my mama's so poor she walks down the road with one shoe.
37:51And so the school has arranged for a lecture from a real live Native American.
37:56Hello, boys and girls.
37:57I'm 1 16th Cherokee Indian.
37:59Does that mean we only have to pay 1 16th attention to you?
38:03Was Thanksgiving about turkey and peace?
38:06Or was it the beginning of the genocide of an entire race?
38:09A guest speaker comes to our class and assigns us a report on Thanksgiving?
38:13The Native Americans got pretty screwed over.
38:15Yeah, now my video game time is getting screwed over by them.
38:18Instead of laying in bed eating, why don't you come and help?
38:20If we have to write a report on Thanksgiving, let's just go downstairs and watch TV.
38:23The History Channel is probably playing Thanksgiving specials back to back.
38:25You're watching The History Channel, where the truth is history.
38:30What really happened at that first historic dinner?
38:33New evidence suggests that the first exchanging of food between the pilgrims and Native Americans
38:38may have been visited by aliens.
38:43And what about the food?
38:45Does the appearance of stuffing at the first Thanksgiving table suggest a kind of alien technology?
38:51Did ancient aliens shape the first Thanksgiving?
38:54What exactly did the pilgrims experience?
38:57What?
38:58Kyle, why are you being so grumpy?
38:59Are you in your period again?
39:00We are not basing research for our report on this crap.
39:03Dude, it is called History Channel.
39:05Hmm.
39:06Alright, fine.
39:06Let's just get this stupid report over with.
39:09Did you guys know that when you start menstruating it's called menopause?
39:12I was thinking maybe that's why Kyle's been so grouchy lately,
39:15because he's going through menopause.
39:16Dude, shut your fucking mouth!
39:17See what I mean, you guys?
39:20Is that them?
39:21That's them.
39:26That's them.
39:28We need to know everything that you know.
39:31Did you come across some kind of ship or something?
39:33Dude, look, we just saw all this stuff on History Channel.
39:36What exactly did you see?
39:38Stuffing was never heard of before 1621, so it might be alien technology.
39:43Would you be willing to say that on camera for an interview?
39:45You're watching the History Channel, the only network dedicated to history.
39:49It has become a widely accepted fact that Thanksgiving was a meal attended by pilgrims,
39:55Native Americans, and alien beings.
39:57Some experts have stepped forward with a wildly different view altogether.
40:01Of course you can't prove there were no aliens at the first Thanksgiving.
40:05Just like you can't prove the pilgrims themselves weren't aliens.
40:08Could it be that the pilgrims we've read about all these years actually came from another planet?
40:13You might as well just say pilgrims and Indians were all aliens,
40:15who came here and made some kind of intergalactic treaty.
40:18How can they make a show out of this? I wasn't even agreeing with them.
40:22Native Americans are aliens?
40:24Haven't my people been through enough?
40:26The white man is gonna pay for his life!
40:28And furthermore, everything Kyle Brovlosky said about Native Americans being from outer space was untrue.
40:35It was wrong to mix aliens and real history.
40:40How now, Indian?
40:43Ah! You Indians took me to thy planet and then cast me here!
40:47Hath thy race attacked our stuffing mines and sent me here to die?
40:50This shall prove if thou art Indian or not!
40:56Ah, he was not.
40:58I need your wisdom to get back to my planet!
41:01We must make haste to Cape Cod!
41:04Who's this?
41:05This is Natalie.
41:06Hi guys!
41:07Mom! Mom!
41:09Tell me you've already got everything we need for Thanksgiving!
41:12I haven't gone shoppies yet.
41:14Oh god!
41:15Oh no!
41:15What is it, hon?
41:16There's gonna be a massive stuffing shortage!
41:18You guys have stuffing?
41:19Sure, aisle 17.
41:21Hey!
41:22Where is it?
41:22That can't be right.
41:24Hey!
41:24Hey, Chet!
41:25What happened to all the stuffing?
41:26I just had inventory in the back.
41:28It...
41:28It was all put out here!
41:29You mean it's two weeks until Thanksgiving and we're completely out of stuffing?
41:33Yes!
41:34No!
41:35Yes!
41:41What is wrong with Kyle of DeVry Institute?
41:45He seems almost like a Puritan lady whose period hath stopped.
41:50It must have been very difficult for you, being the one on your planet with his wild theories
41:55that pilgrims and Indians were not of this world.
41:58Here, let me show you.
42:00Your planet is one of the five.
42:02The five are connected by a series of wormholes.
42:05But we made a treaty.
42:06And for 300 years our people have not fought.
42:10Soon your wisdom will open the wormhole back to Plymouth.
42:13And the stuffing mines can again be ours.
42:19Stay back all of you!
42:21Please, Mr. Standish.
42:22We're all on the same side here.
42:24I trust none but them!
42:26We're the History Channel.
42:28We care as much about the truth as you do.
42:30Then get us to Cape Cod as soon as possible!
42:34Once I get back I will symbol my people to attack Indy and regain control of the stuffing mines.
42:39If all goes as planned, you will all have stuffing in time for Thanksgiving.
42:42We've tried to get the wormhole open with this symbol and it didn't work!
42:46You had the correct symbol, but you were missing the keeper of the portal!
42:51Natalie Portman controls the wormhole!
42:53Alright, Ms. Portman, we need you to open your wormhole!
43:00No.
43:01There has to be a way to get the portal open!
43:03Where's our expert?!
43:05You knew everything else!
43:07You somehow knew about all of this!
43:09You must know how to get Natalie Portman to open her wormhole.
43:14So, you uh, you have any brothers or sisters, Natalie?
43:17Cause I was an only child.
43:18I have dual citizenship.
43:20United States and Israel.
43:21So dual citizenship, wow!
43:23You know that I, I never knew anyone that had that!
43:25You wanna order some dessert?
43:29Thanks, that was a lot of fun!
43:30Is there any way you'd-
43:32What?
43:32Would you please just open your wormhole?
43:35Oh.
43:36Hmm.
43:38Okay.
43:40But just for a sec, though.
43:42Now the Indians can be stopped and Thanksgiving will be saved!
43:45I guess we should all realize that history and alien technology really do go hand in hand!
43:53With the wormhole once again open, Miles Standridge was able to finally command the Pilgrim Armies!
44:00Wow, there's a lot about Thanksgiving I never knew before!
44:02But was the first Thanksgiving really just about pilgrims and Indians from space?
44:07Shocking new evidence suggests that the first Thanksgiving might also have been...haunted!
44:12The Pilgrims welcomed the Indians, but did they also unknowingly welcome spirits from beyond the grave?
44:18Oh, come on!
44:22OI!
44:23Come on, sag-o-o-mate, why are you looking so down?
44:26I know!
44:27How would you like me to sing one of the songs off me new album?
44:37MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
44:38Home, what's next?!
44:39My wife Vitamin typically born in Sapphire's magic with B ŠŃjukkala,
44:47JesusęÆ's magic who born in Sapphire's magic...
45:07Adam