00:10So this is Ultima Runes of Virtue 2. Now Ultima, I'm going a little nostalgia trip, it is one of
00:20my favourite games of all time. Ultima 6, Ultima 7 and Ultima 8, not so much Ultima 8 though as
00:27well as bollocks.
00:27But on the PC, loved them, absolutely loved them. I still occasionally play Ultima 6 and 7, both parts of
00:347. And this is like a Super Nintendo outing, which you know for a fact, if you've never seen an
00:41Ultima game, I've not even seen this one, but I know for a fact it's going to be cut down
00:46as hell. So let's play the game if I can.
00:54So I can be Shemino or Shemina is what we say in the UK. Maria Isla, it looks a bit
01:04younger than I remember him. Or Dupre, why can't I be anyone else?
01:08So I'm going to be Dupre, or Dupre, if you have my own clients. Any initials? I'm going to be
01:18really clever and say, pah, I like this actually. I'll be easy.
01:23Don't know what this game is about. Oh yeah. We're in the castle, Lord British's castle I assume. I'm bored.
01:31I'm bored as well. Fucking get a move on. What's happening?
01:35I don't know. I've not had fun since I last terrorized Britannia. Oh no, he's a bad guy.
01:42I know, I shall kidnap Lord Folden. Yeah, you do that, because that Lord Folden is shit.
01:47He invited me to his party, and then he cancelled it. I went all that way. I got him a
01:51present, and he cancelled it. What a cunt he is.
01:53So yeah, you kidnap him.
01:58So here's a bad guy. He knocked on the door. Hello, hello, Lord Folden.
02:02Dish Folly to resist me. He's captured him, has he?
02:06Probably going to bash him around the head a bit.
02:10Lord British apparently is going to come rescue this guy. No, he ain't.
02:13Oh, we're not counting it, says Tinhead.
02:16What a head. What a helmet he's got.
02:18That's a great helmet.
02:21So he's caught Lord Folden, who looks like a peasant.
02:25And he's run off of him to do unspeakable sex acts.
02:30There we are, actually. Sorry, actually.
02:32Oh, he's having a little tea party with him.
02:40That's it.
02:44I guess I'm Mayor of Britain now.
02:47No, you're not Mayor of Britain, you fucker.
02:51Certainly not Mayor of London.
02:52That's Boris Johnson's bloody job.
02:55Who's this bitch?
02:57Guard this room, he says to some scantily clad bitch.
03:02Meanwhile, at Lord British's castle,
03:05some bald old bastard has come and talked to him.
03:08Me law of the Black Knight has kidnapped Lord Folden.
03:10Well, he wasn't much of a lord, was he? He's useless.
03:13We must summon the Avatar to rescue him.
03:16Lord British, he basically summons the Avatar, that's you,
03:22to, uh...
03:23Every time something happens, like, uh...
03:26He's lost his car keys or something, Lord British.
03:28The first thing he does is summon the Avatar.
03:30He doesn't do nothing himself.
03:32He's a lazy bastard.
03:33He's got a great big castle.
03:35He's got all these people's servants.
03:36And the first thing he does is summon the fucking Avatar
03:39to do his dirty work or to help him out.
03:42And he gets praise for it.
03:43And I'm going to read a text here.
03:44If I go over and just text me.
03:47Hmm.
03:48Now that is the kind of text which, uh...
03:51Gets me going.
03:53So, excuse me if I'm not 100% concentrating on this thing.
03:57Anyway, so I'm, uh...
03:58Do pray.
04:00He told me...
04:01Lord British is talking to me.
04:02He's summoned me to rescue our Lord Folden.
04:05Blah, blah, blah.
04:07He knows where he's captured.
04:09Immediately, Lord British, the all-seeing, all-knowing Lord British,
04:12he does fuck all himself.
04:13He knows where he's captured, though.
04:15Lord Folden is held prisoner in the Cavern of Hatred
04:18due north of this castle.
04:19How do you know that unless some bastard's told you?
04:22And why would they tell you he's been captured there?
04:26Immediately, we are presented with a plot hole.
04:29Once Alhash has returned him to the city of Britain,
04:32return here.
04:34So, you know what, mate?
04:35Don't have any bothers.
04:37So, it looks a little bit like, uh...
04:40Ulmer 7 and stuff on the PC.
04:43A bit more simplistic.
04:49That's Sherry.
04:53I am Lord British's official cheese tester.
04:57Why don't you die?
05:01Oh, bloody hell.
05:03I was blown up.
05:03I fired a...
05:05I don't know my own strength.
05:06I just went around and...
05:10I just fired a cannonball.
05:13So, there's the, uh...
05:14There's Britain.
05:16That's the world as we know it.
05:18It's not the end of the world as we know it yet.
05:21Bang!
05:21Look at that.
05:21Look at me.
05:24I'm exploding cannibals all over the place.
05:26I'm so...
05:26I'm such a horny, randy bugger.
05:29Everywhere I go, the cannibals explode.
05:31Look at that.
05:32Oh, look at that.
05:33Oh, God.
05:33I can't control myself.
05:36Bloody hell.
05:36I can't control myself.
05:37I'm so horny thinking about, uh, Sherry the mouse.
05:41Where has she gone?
05:44I'd like to visit the observatory on the roof.
05:47Yes, you go there when it's after dark.
05:49And I will do rude things to you with my sword.
05:52My pointy sword.
05:54I'm going to get out of here.
05:55I'm upstairs.
05:55I'm going downstairs.
05:56It's hard to tell.
05:57There's any perspective.
05:58I thought I'm going to just...
05:59Assume...
06:00I assume that's...
06:01The exit is a floor down.
06:03But you can't.
06:03It's hard to tell.
06:05So, I'll go down here.
06:08Who's that boss?
06:09Is that a guard?
06:12Take that.
06:14He doesn't say much.
06:16He's a quiet guard.
06:19There's a sea horse there.
06:21Have I killed it?
06:22Bloody hell.
06:23That's a bit violent, isn't it?
06:24I'm dead.
06:26Ah, I've been killed by a sea horse.
06:28The great Dupre.
06:29The great Avatar.
06:31Has been slain by a fucking sea horse.
06:33Well, that just says it all.
06:35I'm not going to continue.
06:36because this game takes piss.
06:38This isn't Ultima as I know it.
06:40I'll get 3 out of 10.
06:41Well, that bollocks.
06:42Fuck it.
06:43That's not Ultima.
06:44That's piss flaps of a game.
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