- 7 hours ago
Saturday Night Live UK S01E01 (2026)
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TVTranscript
00:00:11Oh
00:00:14Golly, well, well, what if Donald shouts at me?
00:00:19What do I say labby
00:00:23Just be yourself Prime Minister yourself is who everyone likes
00:00:30Hello
00:00:34I saw that scary scary wonderful president
00:00:40Why is it so blubber difficult to talk to?
00:00:44Just be honest and tell them we can't send any more ships to the Strait of Hormuz Oh
00:00:50Crumbs, I just hate conflict so much
00:00:55Are you referring to the wall or this phone call?
00:00:57Isn't there a way I could not do both?
00:01:01I just want to keep him happy labby
00:01:04You don't understand him like I do I could change him
00:01:11I don't think the feelings mutual he can't stop insulting you he called you a coward
00:01:16I'm out of my depth here labby
00:01:19How did this trust make this job look so easy?
00:01:25Look, we were worried you'd lose your nerve so we've taken steps to help you gain unfounded confidence
00:01:31Mr. Prime Minister meet your Gen Z advisor at Lil Hoopy
00:01:34What's up Stamzy? Bow bow bow bow
00:01:37At Lil Hoopy is the most qualified person we have
00:01:40He is the only person under 23 who voted Labour and would so again in the next election
00:01:47You're not voting for the Green Party?
00:01:50Nah, my dad works in oil
00:01:52No caps, Stamzy
00:01:53I love you and I do hearts this way with my thumb
00:01:57Thank you at Lil Hoopy
00:01:59I love you too
00:02:02Sir Keir is trying to set boundaries with the president while preserving their special relationship
00:02:07Mmm, I see facts facts
00:02:09Okay, so you're looking for more of a special situation ship
00:02:13Okay, I've got you covered
00:02:15I'm an expert in messy drama
00:02:16I've been in three throuples and I'm currently gay
00:02:22First thing you gotta do you gotta forget the phone call these days
00:02:25It's all about the voice note
00:02:27I'll try anything
00:02:28I'll do anything
00:02:31Except take a stand
00:02:35That is so keir-coded
00:02:36Here listen, take the phone and just speak from the heart
00:02:42Hi Donald
00:02:45I'm afraid I can't go to war with you
00:02:49But that doesn't mean we can't still be chums
00:02:53America and Britain have a long, proud tradition of cooperation
00:02:57And nothing can take that away
00:02:59Remember the good times
00:03:02Remember D-Day
00:03:05Remember Live Aid
00:03:08Remember Iraq
00:03:11For the first week and then none of the rest
00:03:16Remember Helen Baxendale on Friends
00:03:20Remember Hugh Laurie on Friends
00:03:23Remember the episode of Friends where they all came to London
00:03:28Remember the one where Joey put on all of childless clothes
00:03:34That was a funny one
00:03:39Get back on track so keir
00:03:42Most importantly remember the one where Ross and Rachel were on a break
00:03:47I think perhaps that's what we need
00:03:50Not forever, just until you've got all this war out of your system
00:03:55Listen, we want different things
00:03:58I know how badly you want to start World War 3 and that's great
00:04:04We should absolutely do that
00:04:07But we can't be a part of it
00:04:09You can however use the naval bases whenever you want
00:04:15Me basa sue basa
00:04:25We should do that
00:04:26Sick job Keir Dot
00:04:27Good work Sir Keir
00:04:29You did the bare minimum
00:04:31And that's all people expect
00:04:33Thank you Lambie
00:04:35It just goes to show
00:04:38While we may not agree with everything America does
00:04:41We can still be civil
00:04:44And embrace their wonderful
00:04:46Unproblematic culture
00:04:48Speaking of which
00:04:51Live from London it's Saturday Night Live!
00:05:07Wim!
00:05:12Mamet Anamashan!
00:05:19Ayawade Bromboye!
00:05:25Larry Dean!
00:05:32Celeste String!
00:05:38George Fouracres!
00:05:45Anya Magliano!
00:05:50Annabelle Marlowe!
00:05:55Al Nash!
00:06:01Jack Sheff!
00:06:03Jack Sheff!
00:06:07Emma Ciddy!
00:06:10Emma Ciddy!
00:06:15Paddy Young!
00:06:21Musical guest Wet Leg!
00:06:28And your host Tina Fey!
00:06:40Ladies and gentlemen, Tina Fey!
00:06:46Ladies and gentlemen, Tina Fey!
00:07:02Thank you very much!
00:07:04Thank you very much!
00:07:04Oh my gosh!
00:07:04I am so excited to be here in London
00:07:07It is an absolute honor
00:07:08And honestly, kind of historic
00:07:11Guys, I am the youngest person ever to host SNL UK!
00:07:20Again, my name is Tina Fey
00:07:22Here in the UK
00:07:24Here in the UK
00:07:25Here in the UK you might know me as the teacher from Mean Girls
00:07:29Or you might remember a long time ago when I played Sarah Palin on SNL US
00:07:37Or maybe you feel like you recognize me as the lady from the show Veep
00:07:42And that's fine too! Let's go with that!
00:07:45So, why do a UK version of SNL?
00:07:48Well, like so many large scale American operations these days, no one really knows why
00:07:56But here's what this is, okay?
00:07:58It is a sketch comedy show
00:08:00There will be a different celebrity host each week
00:08:03There will be music performances
00:08:04And the show is truly live
00:08:07So things may go wrong
00:08:09Things may have already gone wrong
00:08:11My pants were supposed to be full length
00:08:15And I am so excited for you to meet your cast
00:08:17They are wonderful
00:08:18I can't even begin to understand them when they speak
00:08:24One boy is either Scottish or choking
00:08:27I can't stop them
00:08:28But their energy is A-plus
00:08:30And I am going to stay out of their way tonight as much as possible
00:08:34I am just here as a long time SNL employee to help out
00:08:39And to answer like any questions anyone might have
00:08:43Oh, hi! Yeah, Nicola Coughlin!
00:08:49It is lovely to see you
00:08:51But my question is if this is SNL UK then why are you the first host?
00:08:58Like shouldn't it be like a British icon like David Beckham or Judy Dench or like Shrek?
00:09:03Yeah, Shrek, wait Shrek is British?
00:09:06Scotland isn't Britain, Tina
00:09:09Educate yourself
00:09:10Sorry, can I apologize?
00:09:11Well that is a valid question, why an American host?
00:09:15And the way it was explained to me was that for this first episode anyway
00:09:20How do I put this politely?
00:09:22None of you fuckers would do it?
00:09:26Does that make sense?
00:09:27It does, it does
00:09:30Is it possible that many of us were a little reluctant to be in the first show
00:09:34Because this is going out in Britain
00:09:35And British people tend to root for the failure of others
00:09:40Yeah, why are you guys like that?
00:09:43Well not me, I'm Irish
00:09:46Educate yourself
00:09:49Look, that all is to say if this show is a hit
00:09:51And if you do ever happen to get Olly Murs for Musical Guest
00:09:54I would be honored to come back
00:09:56And win a BAFTA for it
00:09:58Amazing, well that's great to know
00:10:00Thank you Nicola
00:10:04Any other questions?
00:10:06Oh sure, Michael Cera
00:10:07Hi
00:10:13Hi Tina
00:10:13Hi Michael, why are you here? You're not British
00:10:17No, I'm Canadian, it's part of the Commonwealth, educate yourself
00:10:21Sorry
00:10:24No, I don't really have a question, but I just wanted to say
00:10:26I think you just swore a second ago, you said the F word
00:10:29Oh yeah, we are allowed to swear in this version of the show
00:10:37It's crazy, can I try?
00:10:39Sure, if you want to
00:10:42Shit bird
00:10:44Just fucking
00:10:46Bollocks
00:10:49I think I would use it sparingly, it feels kind of unclassy
00:10:51Yeah, you know what, you're right
00:10:53I agree, Michael, that's a great note, thank you so much
00:10:59Time for one more, oh yes, Graham Norton
00:11:06So nice to see you
00:11:07I just wondered, did you know that this is usually my studio?
00:11:11Yeah, I did hear that, Graham, thank you for loaning it to us
00:11:14Oh, would you mind if I came up there and just showed you a fiddly thing about this place?
00:11:18Oh, I would love it, come on, Graham Norton everybody
00:11:22Great
00:11:24Thank you, thank you, thank you
00:11:25Yeah, sure
00:11:26Now Tina, I believe you've always had a deep love of British comedy
00:11:32Are you interviewing me now?
00:11:33Let me help you
00:11:35I have a gift for making American celebrities likeable to a British audience
00:11:41Wait, are we not likeable?
00:11:43Oh
00:11:46Hey, I hear you have a really funny story about watching British television as a young child
00:11:52Oh, well, yes, actually, growing up we thought that anything British was educational
00:11:58So my parents showed us all British shows and we used to watch Benny Hill as a family
00:12:04No, as a young girl you would watch Benny Hill?
00:12:07No, it really messed me up sexually
00:12:12What about Ab Fab?
00:12:13Oh, sweetie darling, you're just a little shop girl darling
00:12:16Keeping up appearances
00:12:16Richard!
00:12:18Monty Python
00:12:19That is an ex-parrot
00:12:21Fawlty Towers
00:12:21Nobody mention the war
00:12:23Are you being served?
00:12:24My pussy is like an alarm clock
00:12:27Reggie Perrin
00:12:28I didn't get where I am today by waffling
00:12:30Deep cut, Monty Python
00:12:32We lived in shoebox in middle of road
00:12:35East Enders
00:12:36I killed Ethel
00:12:40David Bread
00:12:43David Bread
00:12:43There's been a rape up there
00:12:46Dark Trends
00:12:47Nothing beats a Jet 2 Holiday
00:12:50Autoglass Repair
00:12:51Autoglass Replace
00:12:52Oh, that's right
00:12:54They're all yours now, Tina
00:12:56All yours
00:12:57Oh, thank you
00:12:57We've got a great show
00:12:58Wet Leg is here
00:12:59Stick around and watch this
00:13:06When it comes to age defying skincare
00:13:09I don't need a time machine
00:13:11I just need something that works
00:13:14So I can bring back the spark in me
00:13:17And in us
00:13:21And now I've found it
00:13:23The anti-aging cream that works so well
00:13:26Everyone will think your husband
00:13:28Is a nonce
00:13:31She's my wife, she's a groom woman
00:13:33Shut your mouth, you make me sick
00:13:39Introducing Undiraj
00:13:41With active compounds and hyaluronic acid
00:13:44Undiraj delivers special protection for your skin
00:13:47And ensures your husband will need special protection when he's in jail
00:13:51My wife's skin has never looked more youthful and fresh
00:13:54It's destroyed my life
00:13:55Thanks Undiraj
00:13:57My skin looks so fresh
00:13:59My husband can't go anywhere without being hunted by right-wing, pedophile-catching militias.
00:14:08Frank, someone's at the door.
00:14:11Thanks, Indiraj.
00:14:13My husband is no longer allowed within 200 feet of a score.
00:14:17My husband lost his record deal.
00:14:20And some, but not all, of his fans.
00:14:24He loves the way I look.
00:14:26Yeah, but, you know, not like that.
00:14:28Sorry, excuse me.
00:14:31Little girl, do you know this man?
00:14:35You sick bastard.
00:14:37He's married to an Indiraj girl.
00:14:39He's married to an Indiraj girl.
00:14:42I'm married to an underage girl.
00:14:46I'm going to have I pronounce that right?
00:14:48No, I didn't mean that.
00:14:51No, it's the name of the thing.
00:14:54Indiraj.
00:14:55I'm not underage, or am I?
00:14:58She's not.
00:14:59She's not.
00:15:00Indiraj by Peter Lay.
00:15:11Hello, I'm David Attenborough, and it can't be long now.
00:15:21As the only remaining national treasure not on that list, I enjoy a place as one of 90%
00:15:30of the British public's dream dinner party guests.
00:15:34But I'm often asked who would be on mine.
00:15:38Well, using DNA sampling and my own brother's Jurassic Park technology, I have reanimated some
00:15:47of history's greatest Britons for one night only, so that I can ask them, what really makes Britain great?
00:15:55This is David Attenborough's Last Supper.
00:16:07I'd like to welcome my guests, Prime Minister Winston Churchill, astronomer and mathematician,
00:16:16Sir Isaac Newton, nurse, Mary C. Cole, Diana, Princess of Wales, author, Agatha Christie, poet, Benjamin Zephaniah,
00:16:34Freddie Mercury, from Queen, Elizabeth I, from Being the Queen, and surprise, surprise,
00:16:44it's Ella Black.
00:16:47Hey, off-joke!
00:16:49Thanks so much for hosting this dinner party, Sir David.
00:16:53You're very welcome, Princess Di.
00:16:56Now, as this cloning technology only works for one hour, I'll cut to the chase.
00:17:08What do you think makes Britain great?
00:17:13Before we commence, there is a mystery I should like to solve.
00:17:18Are we doing starters?
00:17:21I'm getting a starter and bleeding starving.
00:17:25Yes, order whatever you like.
00:17:27Tonight is about thrilling conversation and the greatness of Great Britain.
00:17:33Yes, Winston Churchill.
00:17:34Shall we get three starters for the table and do picky bits?
00:17:39Hey, off-joke!
00:17:42Freddie says he wants the croquettes.
00:17:44Oh, yeah.
00:17:46I'd have the croquettes, but I only want a little nibble.
00:17:54Well, hang on, hang on.
00:17:57By my calculations, there are three croquettes in one order and ten of us.
00:18:01Therefore, if we order three portions, one person will miss out.
00:18:05The solution is simple.
00:18:06We order four.
00:18:08That means that three people will get two croquettes.
00:18:12But who?
00:18:13Another mystery.
00:18:14Look, look, look, look.
00:18:17Don't worry about the food.
00:18:18The BBC have spared no expense bringing you back to life.
00:18:23I'm sure they're happy to cover one dinner at the Ivy.
00:18:28Now, as to the source of Britain's greatness...
00:18:32Not to be that person, but I don't like croquettes.
00:18:34I'd rather get the soup.
00:18:35Hi, about.
00:18:36That's a lot of starter just for you.
00:18:39Happy-dee-da-day.
00:18:41Freddie's right.
00:18:42We should all have to pay for your starter.
00:18:44No, no one's paying.
00:18:45No one's paying.
00:18:48It's covered, guys.
00:18:50Tonight is about scintillating conversation.
00:18:55And learning from each other.
00:18:57Yes, Benjamin Zephaniah.
00:18:58Do you think each coffee comes with a free rice?
00:19:01If it has an asterisk next to its name, then it comes with a free rice.
00:19:08People on the street.
00:19:09You're right, Freddie.
00:19:11There are some people on the street.
00:19:12But that doesn't answer the question about poppadoms.
00:19:16Stop it!
00:19:18Stop it now!
00:19:20It doesn't matter what we have to eat!
00:19:24I'll put that down.
00:19:26Put it...
00:19:28This experiment has been a complete waste of time and money.
00:19:33The answer I was looking for as to what makes Britain truly great
00:19:37was the NHS and centre parks.
00:19:41There!
00:19:42You've ruined it!
00:19:44Dinner over.
00:19:47Now we shall move on to the love-making portion of the evening.
00:19:54Anybody who wants to leave, now's your chance.
00:20:00Head over to iPlayer now to see the full, uncut edition of David Attenborough's Last Supper.
00:20:31That's Alaska,
00:20:44I'm at movies. Welcome to boobies goes to the films the show about all things cinema
00:20:51And this is a very special day. I'm pinching myself to be honest. We've got Ricky Hall and Lena Phillips
00:20:56in the
00:20:57house. I'm the house. What's happening? Good to be here. They're here to talk to us through their new film
00:21:04Hot Streak and they are two icons of cinema. I hope you don't mind me saying. No, I don't mind
00:21:09at all. Keep saying it.
00:21:14Lena, I've been a fan since your first film Sunrise Eyes. Wow, that's a deep cut. Oh yeah.
00:21:24And Ricky, Crazy Goat, underrated movie. Thanks so much, man. No, no, thank you.
00:21:31And I guess I'm trying to say I love you and your work so much. I hope that's not too
00:21:35creepy.
00:21:36No, thank you. Thanks so much, man. Wow.
00:21:38Okay, so let's talk about Hot Streak. I watched this last night. It fucking sucked.
00:21:49It sucked. Excuse me? It sucked. So bad. Like, all the way through. What happened?
00:22:02Um... Lena, you first. Yeah, um, well, we loved working on this movie.
00:22:09Uh-huh. Yeah, it was a dream to work with Vicky, our director.
00:22:13But why did it suck so bad? Like, all the way through.
00:22:16Well, I don't... I don't think it sucked. It did.
00:22:20Did it? Yeah, all the way through.
00:22:23Where's our PR? No, no, he's gone to get me some fruit. Look.
00:22:28I could be wrong. I don't think I am.
00:22:31But I could be. Let's check out a clip.
00:22:37Oh.
00:22:39Oh, boo!
00:22:42This is sucking so bad, Vicky!
00:22:44You're not even acting there.
00:22:46I mean, you are acting, but it's so wrong and sour.
00:22:51You know?
00:22:51No, no, stop the tape. Stop the tape.
00:22:54It's just... That sucks.
00:22:58I just...
00:23:02I just know if you tried,
00:23:05if everyone tried and, like, gave me everything,
00:23:08we could have got there.
00:23:10It didn't have to be good.
00:23:13You know, I don't need good.
00:23:14I just need it not to fucking suck.
00:23:17Like, all the way through.
00:23:19Can everything stop sucking all the time?
00:23:21Because it's making my life bad.
00:23:24Is that too much to ask?
00:23:26Please!
00:23:28Sorry.
00:23:29We're... We're sorry.
00:23:31That's okay.
00:23:33Join us next time on Boobies Goes To The Films.
00:23:36I've been at Boobies wishing you a decent day.
00:23:39Oh, get in, legend.
00:23:40Thanks.
00:23:46Get to work.
00:23:47What a time to be alive, people.
00:23:49My name is Turpin Turpin.
00:23:50Yep.
00:23:51Both my names are Turpin.
00:23:53Great job.
00:23:53All right.
00:23:54Jan, how are we doing?
00:23:55Good.
00:23:55Yes.
00:23:56What do we do here?
00:23:56We're all working together to make the internet as bad as we can possibly get it.
00:24:00It's... It's a team effort.
00:24:02I'm Jan.
00:24:02I'm almost 19, and I'm the password manager.
00:24:05Essentially, my job is, just before you enter in a short, memorable password of your own,
00:24:10I come up with a very long and complicated one.
00:24:12I'll remember it, and then I don't.
00:24:16I'm the X-man.
00:24:17I do all the Xs for online adverts.
00:24:19We try and make them smaller than any human finger.
00:24:21You don't have to do, man, I suppose.
00:24:22What does an X even mean?
00:24:24Sometimes it can mean, close this window.
00:24:26Sometimes it can mean, open four more windows.
00:24:29It can even out.
00:24:30I think most people think it's the first one.
00:24:33Most people voted for Hitler.
00:24:37Sorry.
00:24:38I'm online a lot.
00:24:39Don't know what's real.
00:24:40The thing is, is there are websites that no one would ever intentionally visit.
00:24:44You know, no one actually wants to enter the OMA's house drawer.
00:24:48No one is really owed money just to being born between 1995 and 1997.
00:24:52And no one intentionally clicks on family guide porn.
00:24:55Except me.
00:24:56But that's only because of how much I like to look at it.
00:25:00This is good, people.
00:25:01This is good.
00:25:03Woo!
00:25:04My speciality.
00:25:05I'm the guy who moves things at the last second so that people click on the wrong stuff online.
00:25:16Okay, she's about to click, stand by.
00:25:18Standing by.
00:25:24She's hovering.
00:25:27She's hovering.
00:25:30And...
00:25:31Budget.
00:25:34Budget.
00:25:36I know you.
00:25:37Yes!
00:25:40Yes!
00:25:41Yes!
00:25:43That's five seconds.
00:25:44She won't get back.
00:25:46So, we got her.
00:25:50Oh, that's beautiful.
00:25:53Do you get paid?
00:25:54No.
00:25:55No, no, no.
00:25:57Well, let me ask you this.
00:25:58Let me ask you this.
00:25:59Do you get paid for your job?
00:26:01Yeah.
00:26:04Interesting.
00:26:12Gosh, ten hours of labour.
00:26:14Doesn't look like this little man's in a rush.
00:26:16Why is it taking so long?
00:26:18Don't worry.
00:26:19He's just a bit...
00:26:19He's just a bit shy.
00:26:22Oh.
00:26:23Oh, look at it.
00:26:24He's just...
00:26:25Oh, bless him.
00:26:26Well, there's no wrong with being shy, is there?
00:26:29Oh, no wrong at all.
00:26:31I think I prefer a shy one, to be honest.
00:26:34Out of my way.
00:26:35I'm Dr. Amanda Miller.
00:26:36I graduated Harvard, summa cum laude.
00:26:38My kids are very mean to me,
00:26:40but I don't have time to get into that right now.
00:26:42Wait, where's the obstetrician here?
00:26:44He's just a bit shy, isn't he?
00:26:46I wish that was the case.
00:26:47I'm so sorry, Mrs. Cook.
00:26:49But your baby is not shy.
00:26:50He's something much more sinister.
00:26:53He's pretending to be shy for attention.
00:26:59And we need to act fast before it metastasizes.
00:27:03But this all seems a bit dramatic.
00:27:05Yeah, well, unless you want your son to be an adult man
00:27:08who is addicted to cancelling plans,
00:27:10let me do my goddamn job.
00:27:14Well, wait, hang on.
00:27:16What if he's shy around strangers,
00:27:18but he lets his guard down around people he trusts?
00:27:21Um, like an introverted extrovert.
00:27:23Yeah, those are essentially a myth.
00:27:25Most people who make a big deal out of being shy
00:27:28are, medically speaking, fake-ass divas.
00:27:32That son of mine's gonna be a fake-ass diva.
00:27:35I mean, look, I'm no doctor.
00:27:38I'm just a stupid rocket scientist,
00:27:40but I think he's genuinely shy.
00:27:45Okay, but, like, now he's dancing.
00:27:55I'm just like, why would a genuinely shy person do that?
00:28:00Wait, he's quite good.
00:28:02Oh, my God.
00:28:03He is quite good.
00:28:06He's not amazing, but he's quite good.
00:28:09He's got spirit.
00:28:10You can tell he's actually enjoying himself.
00:28:13Hey, ho.
00:28:15Hey, ho.
00:28:17Mr. and Mrs. Cook, this is serious.
00:28:19Okay, an authentically shy person
00:28:22would not pop their puss in this manner.
00:28:26Oh, Harry.
00:28:28Maybe she's right.
00:28:29What if her son is giving cringe,
00:28:32only claiming to be socially awkward
00:28:34when it suits him?
00:28:35Let's slash them.
00:28:37He's sitting in the corner at parties
00:28:39because he gets overwhelmed,
00:28:41but then he's the loudest and most abrasive person there
00:28:45by quite some distance.
00:28:47The type of bitch to give a presentation at work
00:28:49and make the whole thing about how nervous he is,
00:28:51even though it's like,
00:28:52girl, you volunteered to do this.
00:28:55Oh, no.
00:28:57Now he's holding his hands out
00:28:58to show that they're shaking,
00:28:59but it's obvious it's him who's making it happen.
00:29:02Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho.
00:29:04Stop to do something.
00:29:06Grab a leg.
00:29:08Honey, are you the diamond in my wedding ring
00:29:11because you are fake as hell
00:29:12and we can see right through you, okay?
00:29:16Okay, well, he's dancing again.
00:29:18Oh, God.
00:29:19Doctor, please.
00:29:20We just want him out of there, safe and sound.
00:29:24Fine.
00:29:25I promised myself I would never do this.
00:29:29Hey, sweetie.
00:29:30How are you feeling?
00:29:32So, um, a bunch of us are thinking of doing karaoke.
00:29:37Stop!
00:29:37Don't leave without me.
00:29:40But I'm literally just going to watch.
00:29:42Woo!
00:29:43Ah!
00:29:45He's coming.
00:29:45He's coming.
00:29:46Oh!
00:29:47Oh!
00:29:48Congratulations!
00:29:49He's a nightmare.
00:30:05Ladies and gentlemen, wet leg.
00:30:08Woo!
00:30:15Nice try.
00:30:17Get out the way.
00:30:18Get in our way.
00:30:20You've got to beat up.
00:30:22Too bad.
00:30:24You couldn't stay.
00:30:26You're in our way.
00:30:28Get out the way.
00:30:31Get out the way.
00:30:35Get out the way.
00:30:38Get out the way.
00:30:43You think I'm pretty?
00:30:45You think I'm pretty cool?
00:30:47You want to fuck me?
00:31:17I know most people do.
00:31:25You think I'm pretty cool?
00:31:32You think I'm pretty cool?
00:31:41You think I'm pretty cool?
00:31:43You think I'm pretty cool?
00:31:45You think I'm pretty cool?
00:31:46You think I'm pretty cool?
00:31:47You think I'm pretty cool?
00:31:48You think I'm pretty cool?
00:31:48You think I'm pretty cool?
00:31:48They'll take us back if you read it and say it's most true
00:31:52I gave you magic keys out, you're gonna get out soon
00:31:55I really hope you're gonna get out soon
00:31:59Oh man, I hope you're gonna get out soon
00:32:02I really hope you're gonna get out soon
00:32:07I know you're up at night, pushed over your phone line
00:32:13A dream of a hill is crooked from the wind that bites
00:32:21You say you're lost at sea, call the R&L light
00:32:28You're washed up irrelevant, you're standing in my light
00:32:35You're standing in my light
00:32:39You're standing in my light
00:32:48You think I'm pretty, you think I'm pretty cool
00:32:52You say I'm scared and I must be fucking
00:32:56This is the real world, honey, it's me, I'm begging
00:32:59Spider, everything, all this, let's just forget it, cool
00:33:03Nice child, now get out of the way
00:33:06Good child, you're taking fucking
00:33:09I said I'll see you, you want to be you
00:33:12You want to be, I, I, I, I, yeah
00:33:17Nice child, get out of the way
00:33:20You're in our way
00:33:22Que los puedo
00:33:55It's Weekend Update with Anya Magliano and Paddy Young
00:34:09I'm Paddy Young
00:34:11And I'm Anya Magliano
00:34:17Coming up on tonight's Weekend Update, paedophilia.
00:34:20But first, war.
00:34:25Yesterday, in a shock U-turn, Keir Starmer finally gave his consent for President Trump to use British bases to
00:34:31protect the Strait of Hormuz.
00:34:33At which point Trump said, consent? Now you've taken all the fun out of it.
00:34:40As Iranian strikes continue to hit Dubai, the cost of chartering a private jet has risen so high that many
00:34:47influencers have been struggling to flee.
00:34:49For me, I must stress though, it's not all good news.
00:34:57If any influencers are killed, and again, we can only hope they are.
00:35:02At least they'll be easy to identify by their dental records.
00:35:05They're the massive white ones made in Turkey.
00:35:09You've got a feel for them.
00:35:10They went there to evade income tax, and now they have to evade income in a tax.
00:35:15We're now three weeks into the Iran war, which started with the death of one Ayatollah Khomeini, and the appointment
00:35:21of another Ayatollah Khomeini.
00:35:23Khomeini, two but one's dead now.
00:35:32Not everyone in NATO wants to get involved.
00:35:36German Defence Minister Boris Pistorius said there would be no military participation from Germany.
00:35:41Where was this energy in 1939?
00:35:47Also, is there a more evil name than Boris Pistorius?
00:35:53How do you do the name Saddam Walliams?
00:36:00The head of the Asian Football Confederation said this week that Iran is still set to play at the upcoming
00:36:07World Cup in America.
00:36:08If Iran does take part, America has guaranteed that all of their matches will be refereed by a completely impartial
00:36:15MQ-9 Reaper drone.
00:36:18We all know the supply of oil has been affected by this war, but the Strait of Hormuz is also
00:36:24the primary route for a third of the world's helium.
00:36:26A spokesperson for the helium industry said...
00:36:29LAUGHTER
00:36:37We've run out of helium.
00:36:39LAUGHTER
00:36:41APPLAUSE
00:36:46With pressure mounting to secure the Strait of Hormuz and the Royal Navy almost completely out of action,
00:36:53the government have decided to send in the only British naval captain who's ready to go.
00:36:58Please welcome Captain Birdseye!
00:37:01CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
00:37:05Even me hearties!
00:37:08Now, Captain, I think the question a lot of people...
00:37:12..at home are asking is...
00:37:15..why is the government sending a fish finger man to a red-hot war zone?
00:37:20Fish finger man?
00:37:21I am the purveyor of the finest fish fingers in the land.
00:37:25Succulent card fillets in a perfectly crispy golden crumb.
00:37:28Only the best for the captain's table.
00:37:30Fish finger?
00:37:31Captain Birdseye, can I remind you, this is a military operation.
00:37:35Exactly.
00:37:36Preparation, timing, control.
00:37:39Six minutes, one side, turn.
00:37:41Six minutes to the other.
00:37:43Six minutes to the other.
00:37:43Now that's what I call a proper fish finger.
00:37:46FISH FINGER!
00:37:47FISH FINGER!
00:37:47You're about to be deployed to a ramp, can you stop bagging on about fish fingers?
00:37:51Fine!
00:37:52We also do chicken dibbers, potato waffles, and for some reason the devil only knows, peas!
00:37:59Captain, there are real lives at stake here.
00:38:02Oh!
00:38:03You want to get real, do you, you scurvy little deck rat?
00:38:07All right, answer me this.
00:38:09You think I've spent the last five decades sailing around in a 150 foot schooner with
00:38:14300 singing children just to sell fish fingers, do ye?
00:38:18I'm sorry, did you say 300 singing children?
00:38:21Because I'll tell you what's real, you bilge drinking haddock.
00:38:25What's real is the nation's favourite fish fingers are just a cover for my actual work.
00:38:30Special Forces black ops savagery that would haunt your dreams.
00:38:34What's real is opening up a Serbian mercenary's neck with the machete, watching it yawn open,
00:38:41hot and steaming, like a split fish finger.
00:38:44This is insane!
00:38:46Insane?
00:38:47I'll show you insane!
00:38:50Are those human fingers?
00:38:52Only the best for the captain's table.
00:38:56Captain Burns, hi everyone!
00:38:58Another new for heroes!
00:39:05Renovations to Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor's new home, Marsh Farm, have been taking place
00:39:10over the last month, including the installation of Sky TV.
00:39:14So, if you're watching Andrew, hello!
00:39:17You're not going to like this next bit.
00:39:20Also, I'm older than I look.
00:39:23LAUGHTER
00:39:28Andrew's new residence, Marsh Farm, is of course named after the nearby Marsh where
00:39:32his body will be found.
00:39:34LAUGHTER
00:39:38It was reported this week that the police investigation into Andrew is set to widen.
00:39:43The big question now is, if Andrew is charged, found guilty and put in prison, will he be
00:39:48able to keep his mouth shut?
00:39:49I hope not, said his cellmate's penis.
00:39:53LAUGHTER
00:40:00Conservative leader, Kemi Badenoch, told Times Radio that she would confront a shoplifter
00:40:05if they were, quote, not too big.
00:40:08LAUGHTER
00:40:08So, rest assured, if you shoplift and Kemi does try to stop you, it means she thinks
00:40:13you're skinny!
00:40:15LAUGHTER
00:40:16In showbiz news, feuding father and son David and Brooklyn Beckham narrowly miss each
00:40:21other whilst at the same Beverly Hills Hotel.
00:40:23The feud began when Victoria was, quote, inappropriately close with her son at his wedding and escalated
00:40:29after Brooklyn accidentally yelled out his wife's name during sex with his mum.
00:40:34LAUGHTER
00:40:43The award-winning TV series It's a Sin is set to be adapted for the stage as a dance show,
00:40:50as if a TV show about the AIDS crisis could get any gayer.
00:40:53LAUGHTER
00:40:57Tonight, the K-pop band BTS are launching their New World Tour.
00:41:01My worry is, with 82 dates across 23 countries, the stress of the tour is going to put a strain
00:41:07on Jimin and V's soulmate relationship.
00:41:10Sure, J-Hope nurtures Sugars in a child, but will Jimin's teasing of Sugars make V jealous?
00:41:15And can RM give enough skin-chip to baby Jungkook while melting at J-Hope's laugh?
00:41:19Will his dimples still be popping at Jimin's cuteness after an 82-date tour?
00:41:24LAUGHTER
00:41:24No idea.
00:41:26I'm not really that into BTS.
00:41:29LAUGHTER
00:41:29For Weekend Update, I'm Anya Magliano.
00:41:31And I'm Paddy Young.
00:41:32Good night!
00:42:11Please be safe in London, Will
00:42:14Nay, worry not, wife
00:42:16I will be nothing but safe
00:42:18For all I will think of is returning to thee
00:42:21And our boy, Hamnet
00:42:25What about our daughters?
00:42:27I must away
00:42:28My production of The Tempest begins anon
00:42:34Adieu
00:42:49Tempest was a hit
00:42:52Me thinks I might write another of these plays
00:42:58Will thou art returned
00:43:00Did I not tell thee I would
00:43:02But hast thou nothing to say?
00:43:06I have sorely missed thee
00:43:09Likewise, my dear wife, likewise
00:43:10But dost thou not think I appear chinged?
00:43:17Tis hard to fix mine eyes on anything
00:43:20For the blood that doth course in mine veins
00:43:22On the sweet return of thee to me
00:43:24Ye really look at me, though
00:43:29What vexes thee?
00:43:31I've got a cunty little earring
00:43:34Oh, so it is
00:43:39The hour is upon me
00:43:40I must to London
00:43:42My staging of Macbeth awaiteth
00:43:47Farewell, Will
00:43:48I will wait upon thy return
00:44:06William
00:44:07Thou art returned
00:44:11Good day, wife
00:44:12Good day, Hamnet
00:44:20Will
00:44:21How London hath changed thee
00:44:24Come, wife
00:44:26Let me sit
00:44:27And put me fate up
00:44:31What art thou wearing?
00:44:33Oh
00:44:33Just like it
00:44:36Tis me slutty little chain
00:44:42Tis all the rage in London
00:44:45I must to London
00:44:49My next staging awaits
00:44:52Henry IV, part 2
00:44:54Henry V
00:44:58Let not London change thee too much
00:45:16We'll call the hunker
00:45:18Tis all the rage in London
00:45:20Tis all the rage in London
00:45:22Pulse
00:45:27Hey, family
00:45:31Will
00:45:32Mine eyes do not recognise thee
00:45:35Girl
00:45:36Tis me bitch
00:45:39Will, thou art a different man
00:45:41Peace, wife
00:45:42I be you, Shakespeare
00:45:44The remix be Troy Sivan
00:45:49Tis not thee, Will
00:45:50Tis so, bitch
00:45:53Thou art in Stratford-upon-Avon
00:45:55And I've been in London
00:45:56Upon Ketamin
00:45:59I'm like Charlie XCX
00:46:01Sorry
00:46:02Charlie 10 110
00:46:08I'm in my glow era
00:46:09I'm in my glow, I'm in my glow up era, honey
00:46:13What's that era?
00:46:14We are in one, bitch
00:46:16Mine
00:46:20My wife, I bring gifts
00:46:21This is called a tote bag
00:46:25I want that not
00:46:31Wig, my girl
00:46:33Thou'st look cunty for sure
00:46:37What does the C word mean?
00:46:40Hmm
00:46:40Methinks I can't explain
00:46:42It's not a bad word
00:46:44It's a good thing
00:46:45A great thing
00:46:46It's bleached brows
00:46:48It's the cast of Desperate Housewives
00:46:52It's cabin crew
00:46:53Bald head on a woman
00:46:54The Elizabeth line
00:46:56A thin woman eating a big plate of meat
00:46:58It is as the riddles play upon thy tongue
00:47:01Thou art just gagged
00:47:07Hamlets ate the powder within your coin purse
00:47:18He'll be fine
00:47:19Tis but a K-hole
00:47:22And you know what
00:47:23Hitteth hard in the hole
00:47:25Rihanna, bitch
00:47:26Tis but a K-hole
00:47:28Tis but a K-hole
00:47:56the experience
00:47:58The live Paddington bear experience. This is so exciting. We can't believe we're actually going to meet Paddington
00:48:06Aren't we? We brought marmalade sandwiches
00:48:10We got bands from Magic Mike
00:48:14Magic Mike
00:48:15Watch out Paddington
00:48:18I can't wait to meet that little bear
00:48:22Welcome to 32 Windsor Gardens
00:48:27At London's most immersive experience, get closer to Paddington than ever before
00:48:34Now, who here would like to meet a very rare sort of bear?
00:48:41Janet! Open the cage!
00:48:44A place where memories last forever
00:48:53Paddington?
00:48:56Paddington?
00:48:57Oh my God!
00:48:59Oh my God!
00:49:02Oh my God!
00:49:05Oh my God!
00:49:06Oh my God!
00:49:07Take the siren!
00:49:09Take the siren!
00:49:10Why did we hire a real bear?
00:49:12Well, I know we wanted to hire the little actress from the musical, but she wanted too much money
00:49:17And I had seen the bear in something. He was amazing. What was it?
00:49:30The zoo. I had seen him at the zoo.
00:49:34That was amazing. Yeah, well, I've lost half my face.
00:49:38Yeah, but I've gained some memories.
00:49:40None of that happened in the films.
00:49:43That was a lot more blood than I thought there'd be.
00:49:46And at Paddington's photo booth, we'll be sure to capture all of the magic.
00:49:52Well, I was actually on a terrible date.
00:49:54But let's just say I didn't need to ask for Angela.
00:49:56I asked for Paddington.
00:50:00The Guardian calls it truly unforgettable.
00:50:04They said he likes marmalade.
00:50:05He doesn't like marmalade.
00:50:07He likes... human hands.
00:50:12I've always thought that three kids was a bit too many.
00:50:15And now I've got the optimum amount.
00:50:19None.
00:50:20The stage says inarguably immersive.
00:50:23Do I have any regrets?
00:50:26In retrospect, maybe hot glue gunning the hat to the bear's head may have made it more angry.
00:50:34I'm taking it to Broadway regardless.
00:50:36The live Paddington Bear experience.
00:50:39Book before June 25th and get a free tetanus jab.
00:50:44Found a foot.
00:50:46Has anyone lost a foot?
00:50:47No.
00:50:54Once again, wet leg!
00:51:12Can you catch a medicine ball?
00:51:16Can you catch yourself when you fall?
00:51:19You should be careful.
00:51:21Do you catch my drift?
00:51:23Cause what I really want to know is can you catch these fists?
00:51:27Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
00:51:41yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
00:51:41yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
00:51:41yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
00:51:41yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
00:51:41yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
00:51:58We're on our way to the club, stupidest, super thugs, women's in, racking up, head to me, giddy up, yeah,
00:52:14yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, man down, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, level up!
00:52:26I know I'm too well, just want your life, I don't want your love, I just want to fight.
00:52:44We don't get pussy, get the boo, I saw him sipping on dark food, this always happens late at night,
00:52:50some guy comes up, says I'm his type.
00:52:52I just threw up in my mouth when he just tried to ask me out, don't approach me, I just
00:52:57want to dance with my fans, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, man down, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
00:53:11level up!
00:53:12I know I'm too well, just want your life, I don't want your love, I just want to fight.
00:53:26I know I'm too well, just want your life, I don't want your love, I just want to fight.
00:53:37I know I'm too well, just want your life, I know I'm too well, just want your life, I don't
00:54:02want your love, I just want your love, I just want your love.
00:54:25Four things, thank you.
00:54:36Oh, Jane, look at you. Divorced, saggy, alone. What a sad little life, Jane.
00:54:46Fancy bra fitting?
00:54:49Um, sure. Yeah, I've actually lost a ton of weight.
00:54:53Oh, good for you.
00:54:54Due to immense stress. I have a bad life.
00:54:58I'm sorry to hear that. Well, I'm just going to do it around your top, OK?
00:55:02So, uh, here we go. We've got the middle. That's 38 inches, so, yeah, that's quite wide.
00:55:08In part size, that's a B, so it's small.
00:55:13You're not happy with that?
00:55:15Oh, 38 B, that's not exactly a sexy bra size. Feels kind of schlubby.
00:55:21Oh.
00:55:23Would you like me to zhuzh?
00:55:25Huh?
00:55:27Zhuzh it up a bit for the surrounds.
00:55:30What does that mean?
00:55:32A zhuzh for the surrounds.
00:55:34Right, OK.
00:55:36So I come back in, and I zhuzh, right?
00:55:39I very loudly make a point of how big your bra size is.
00:55:43These out there don't know what you really measured as.
00:55:47Wink, wink.
00:55:48Is that a British thing?
00:55:50It is a thing.
00:55:52Do you want to give it a go? It is a free service.
00:55:56Sure.
00:55:57Won't be long, ladies. I'm just doing a fitting.
00:55:59Oh, my goodness.
00:56:02Wow.
00:56:03These are going to measure up nicely.
00:56:06So we're going to start with the width.
00:56:08Very petite.
00:56:10But your cup size is...
00:56:13Big?
00:56:13Big cup size, right?
00:56:16Oh, crikey.
00:56:17Yeah, they've got a real weight to them.
00:56:19Oh, fantastic.
00:56:21In fact, I'm surprised...
00:56:23You don't topple over.
00:56:24You don't topple over.
00:56:26With a great big rack like that, my bit.
00:56:29Oh, oh, four.
00:56:31You nearly poked my eye out.
00:56:35You've heard of Pinocchio.
00:56:36Well, you'll like that.
00:56:37But the nose is big, lovely bazoombas.
00:56:41Is that OK?
00:56:42Yeah, that's good.
00:56:43So, I'm happy to tell you.
00:56:46What size would you like, darling?
00:56:47Like, big but keep it classy.
00:56:49Like, double D is good.
00:56:50Oh, no, we're going bigger than that.
00:56:52You're a gorgeous, petite and perky, 28G.
00:56:58What an absolute pair.
00:57:02Oh, how's that feel?
00:57:03I feel amazing.
00:57:05Thank you so much, Miss...
00:57:08Juggs.
00:57:09They call me Juggs.
00:57:13Right.
00:57:14There you go.
00:57:17Put these back on the rack, Jackie.
00:57:20They were so far too small for this customer's great big buzzies.
00:57:26Lovely tits you got there, miss.
00:57:30Juggs, wait.
00:57:33Is there anything else that you could zhuzh for me?
00:57:36Like, for the surrounds?
00:57:38My 2026 is kind of rough.
00:57:41Like, basically, I was responsible for editing this British film award ceremony.
00:57:49Let's just say I did not get it right.
00:57:53It's a zhuzh for the surrounds, darling.
00:57:56Not for the soul.
00:57:58But you'll be all right with those great big wicked knockers.
00:58:04Uh, excuse me.
00:58:09Reggae Jean-Page, what are you doing in the women's changing rooms?
00:58:12Oh, it's a long and sexy story.
00:58:16Listen, I don't usually do this, but can I buy you a drink?
00:58:20On the fifth floor, next to the baby clothes and electricals.
00:58:24Sure, I could do that.
00:58:29Thanks for changing my life.
00:58:35Tiny little tits.
00:58:37They will smoke.
00:58:38They will smoke.
00:58:4244 seconds with four hikers.
00:58:52What kind of Irish is your granddad?
00:58:55What kind of Irish is your gramps?
00:58:59Is it this?
00:58:59Come here to me.
00:59:00Which one of you little garb shows through a heap of films in my window?
00:59:03Yeah, you've got to tell me.
00:59:05Because I know you're done, I know you're done, I know you're done.
00:59:08What kind of Irish is your granddad?
00:59:11Is it this?
00:59:12So that's a picture of me back in 82 on the 12th for the King William Lodge.
00:59:16You know, they can all do on the ballot shirts and a death print.
00:59:18What kind of Irish is your granddad?
00:59:21Is it this?
00:59:22I'll bring them round the back.
00:59:23I'll put four new shoes on it, don't worry about it.
00:59:25I'll bring them round for the shoes.
00:59:27I'll hit the shot of any man's back.
00:59:28Bastard.
00:59:29What kind of Irish is your granddad?
00:59:32Is it this?
00:59:33So that's a great way to each other, so
00:59:35ugly arm, a limb, or guard, ah.
00:59:39We'll have finished the goldness, panic.
00:59:42It's crazy, regular gold.
00:59:45Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,
00:59:51oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
00:59:56Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
01:00:00Wow.
01:00:02Wow.
01:00:03Nicola Coughlin from the Dairy Girls.
01:00:06No, it's, um, it's Dairy Girls.
01:00:09It doesn't matter, Nicola Coughlin.
01:00:11None of this is real.
01:00:14Good night, God bless, love you.
01:00:16Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.い.
01:00:20Four to
01:00:21four seconds with four Ida.
01:00:27My biggest thanks to Wet Leg, Nicola Coughlin, Michael Cera, Graham Norton, Reggie Jean-Page,
01:00:35and a huge thank you to the cast and writers and everyone for welcoming you here and making
01:00:41such a great week. Congratulations, SNL UK is born!
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