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00:00What is going on?
00:02Were you off to this early?
00:03Aren't you meant to be in college?
00:05No college today.
00:06Lying.
00:08I actually haven't properly cried yet.
00:11I didn't cry for months when he died.
00:14You know, I don't see any fathers out there.
00:16No one is asking them what their child's shoe size is
00:18or what they may not have noticed.
00:20It's okay.
00:20And you're right.
00:21We almost never see any dads in here.
00:24It's just my family letter.
00:25It's to my sister Anna to say sorry about her fiancé.
00:28Oh my god, that's Dr. Sheehan.
00:30What are you doing?
00:32You're not like anyone else I've ever met Rach.
00:36Just say you love me, please.
00:39I can't lie to you Rach.
00:41I don't mind.
00:42Lie to me, please. I don't mind.
00:44Please.
00:45Guys, I still can't bring myself to cancel the wedding venue.
00:48Why don't you have a memorial?
00:50You could make it a celebration of Aidan.
00:52You were Aidan how you knew him.
00:59Okay.
01:00We're going in here to get memories of Aidan.
01:02That is it.
01:03Do not mention the memorial.
01:05She's going to find out at some point.
01:06Yeah, well that point is not today, alright?
01:07We don't want to upset her.
01:08Are you sure Anna doesn't just want her there?
01:09Well, she hasn't said anything to me, so I'm staying out of it.
01:11Jesus, you make it sound like we're about to walk across landmines.
01:14Well, we potentially are.
01:15This will be fine.
01:21Hey, I, I wouldn't let him in.
01:29No, I, I wouldn't.
01:31I wouldn't let him in.
01:36His eyes are close together, and he wears it to the grin.
01:40Don't let him in.
01:43Don't let him in.
01:44No, I would if I were you...
01:48Let him in.
01:51Ooh.
01:55Ooh.
01:59Ooh.
02:25Are we allowed to hug you?
02:27Yeah.
02:28Why wouldn't you be?
02:30In case we'd pass you heroin.
02:32God.
02:33Rach, you look...
02:34Great.
02:43I brought you some chocolate.
02:45I know you love these.
02:47Thanks.
02:53Um, yeah.
02:55No, I'm good.
02:56Um...
02:58I thought...
02:59I was kind of expecting Anna as well.
03:02I wouldn't hold your breath.
03:04What's that supposed to mean?
03:06Listen, Rachel, do you have any nice memories of Aidan?
03:12Why are you asking me that?
03:14We just thought it would be nice, you know, for Anna to have them.
03:18I'd like to help her remember...
03:22Do you have your phone? I'm going to make a slideshow for her.
03:24Oh, no. I don't have my phone. They took it.
03:26Seriously? I would die.
03:27Why? In case you text a drug dealer?
03:30Some people are sex addicts.
03:32Porn.
03:33Okay, okay.
03:34Can we please just focus?
03:37Um, Rachel, like anything about Aidan?
03:45Um...
03:46Literally anything, Rachel?
03:48I don't know what you want from me.
03:50Um...
03:50Just whatever comes to your mind.
03:52You lived with him for several months.
03:54Oh, he crossed his legs when he sat.
03:58Uh...
03:58He didn't like WhatsApp.
04:00He was really into American politics.
04:02Really?
04:03Yeah.
04:05Um...
04:05The red side?
04:07The blue side?
04:08I don't know. Whichever side isn't awful.
04:10Blue.
04:11Was he funny?
04:12Well, Anna laughed a lot when he was around.
04:14Great.
04:15Hilariously funny.
04:16That was too much clear. Funny will do.
04:17Yeah, but...
04:18Also, like, did he have any interests?
04:20Like, any hobbies?
04:22Anything?
04:22Oh!
04:23Um, he sold his bike online when he moved in with us.
04:26Great!
04:26What kind of bike?
04:27I don't know.
04:27Why does that matter?
04:28Uh, well, a mountain bike, he's outdoorsy.
04:31E-bike, he's an environmentalist.
04:32Was it a unicycle?
04:33Yeah, you're a clown, okay?
04:35Not helpful.
04:36You know he didn't like us.
04:39Us?
04:41Yeah.
04:42He thought she was...
04:44He thought she was codependent and that we were too family orientated.
04:48Hang on.
04:49Now, he didn't like us or he didn't like you?
04:51You and Anna can be very clingy.
04:53Clingy?
04:56It's hard to be clingy with someone who doesn't even visit you in rehab.
05:00Jesus, Rachel, her fiancé just died.
05:02Okay, okay, so we know that Aidan was, um, funny and athletic and...
05:08Did Anna tell you that I wrote to her to apologise? No?
05:13No.
05:15Well, it's just easier to blame Rachel for everything.
05:18Look, I think we should just go.
05:21Go on. Aidan made Anna laugh.
05:22He crossed his legs and he sold a bike. It's good enough for me.
05:25Or, maybe you could just give us a ring or something.
05:29She hasn't had a phone there.
05:30I don't know if you remember anything else.
05:32I mean, we have a few days until the memorial.
05:38Sorry.
05:40Sorry, what?
05:44Um...
05:45Memorial.
05:49Anna is having a memorial for Aidan because his parents took him back to America.
05:54And Anna can't fly. Punctured long.
05:57And she's planning this while I'm still in here.
06:05Maggie?
06:06There's a lot going on, Rachel, and...
06:08The memorial's not for you. It's for Anna.
06:10She needs it.
06:11Yeah.
06:13She hasn't said anything to us about whether she wants you there or not.
06:26Go on, just leave.
06:28Ah, don't be like that.
06:30We've got...
06:30We've got...
06:31We've got 45 minutes left.
06:33Do you want to show us around?
06:36No, seriously, leave.
06:38Come on.
06:42Rachel.
06:43I'll give you some space.
06:45We'll see you soon.
06:48It's okay, Rachel.
07:15It's okay, Rachel.
07:16I'll give you some space.
07:26Bags at the door.
07:29Taxi book for the morning.
07:32Better not let me down. Those apps have gone to the dogs.
07:36Paul, before you go to London, will you please hang up those shelves?
07:39Ah, Max, not now. Where's my passport?
07:42I've been asking you for months.
07:46Paul.
07:54Hi, Dad.
07:55How are you?
07:57Good, yeah.
07:59Dad, would you mind putting up some shelves for me?
08:02No, I have the drill and the shelves are there.
08:05They're just...
08:05Hang up!
08:06There's two in the sitting room and one in the...
08:08Sorry.
08:09Sorry, Dad. Just one second.
08:11What?
08:11Hang up the phone, hang up the phone, hang up the phone, hang up the phone.
08:13I don't need him to put up some simple shelves.
08:16I know how to put up a shelf.
08:17I asked you ages ago and you've been...
08:18I've been busy, you know?
08:21Sorry, Dad.
08:22Paul is now saying that he can do it and he will.
08:25I can.
08:27So why don't you come tomorrow?
08:29Absolutely.
08:29And we'll see if it's done.
08:30I will do it right now.
08:36Thanks, Dad.
08:39You're the best.
08:45You didn't join us for breakfast.
08:48I'm not hungry.
08:49Right, well, listen.
08:51I overheard something.
08:52Now, I know you're about to do laundry with Chris, right?
08:54Yes, Jackie.
08:55What law or commandment am I breaking now?
08:57No, none, none.
08:58It's just that...
08:58Well, I heard Chris tell Neil that he's going to give it to you in the laundry room.
09:03What?
09:04Really?
09:05Yes.
09:05Did he say that?
09:06Did he actually use those words?
09:07Yes.
09:08I'm going to give it to her.
09:11I bet he's huge.
09:13Do you want a thong?
09:15No, no.
09:16I'm not actually going to have sex with Chris in the laundry room.
09:18Are you mental?
09:19Why not?
09:20I mean, I would.
09:21I mean, a woman has her needs.
09:22No, no.
09:24I've got a boyfriend.
09:25I mean, you absolutely do not.
09:27Not anymore.
09:28I was there, Rachel.
09:30That ship was both sailed and sunk.
09:32Titanic.
09:33Goodnight.
09:34Really?
09:35Yeah.
09:36Don't think I can fix it.
09:37Maybe in a few years.
09:39You know, if you stay sober.
09:40Get your act together.
09:42Get some Botox.
09:42Dye that hair.
09:44Then, maybe.
09:46Okay.
09:48Give me the thong.
09:51Alright, go on.
09:52Safe flight.
09:53I have no control over the safety of the flight.
09:55Alright.
09:56Hey, come here.
09:58You know the next time I see you, I might be pregnant.
10:01Oh, yeah.
10:03Promise you won't do another test until I get back, okay?
10:06Okay.
10:07I promise.
10:09Now, will you hang up that suit as soon as you get into the chat?
10:12Yeah.
10:12Do you put a crease in the trousers?
10:13Obviously.
10:14You know what Mum says.
10:15If you don't have a crease in your trousers,
10:16you're one step away from the dole office.
10:18Fine stance from a woman who's benefited so heavily from the children's allowance.
10:23Okay.
10:24Be safe.
10:25Why do you keep saying that?
10:26I don't know.
10:27Maybe...
10:27Maybe the memorial's getting in on me.
10:29No shit.
10:31I'm sorry you won't be there.
10:33Yeah.
10:34So am I.
10:35You know how much I love hanging out with the Walsh sisters.
10:38Getting cold cheap and dry all day.
10:41Be ashamed to miss that.
10:43Yeah.
10:43Fair enough.
10:44Okay, go on.
10:45Safe flight.
11:03Hey.
11:04Hey.
11:05Did you know if Maggie's calling out with us this morning?
11:07No.
11:08She's working.
11:10Why?
11:10Is there anything I can have with?
11:12No.
11:13I was just going to see if she wanted to bring me into work.
11:17I can drive you to work, but...
11:21Are you...
11:22Are you ready to go back?
11:25I actually don't know.
11:26I just think I need like a...
11:28You're not worried about money?
11:29No, no, no.
11:30No, I think I...
11:32I'm...
11:33No, I'm on full pay.
11:34I just think I need...
11:35A distraction.
11:37Hmm.
11:38No.
11:39There's post inside on the table.
11:41You could read that, respond.
11:43Might pass some time.
11:44Stop pushing that letter on me, Dad.
11:47You know I've already fought with Mum about it.
11:49Okay, I...
11:49I don't want any more fights.
11:52I'm just...
11:53Saying.
11:54Well, don't.
11:55You're all obsessed with me reading that letter from Rachel.
11:58And none of you actually care that any new information that I process
12:01is making me lose parts of Aidan.
12:03Lose parts?
12:04Yeah, I think I'm forgetting him.
12:08I can't remember his smell.
12:11You will.
12:12You will remember.
12:13You...
12:13You're grieving.
12:15Yeah, but what if I don't?
12:17Like, what if my brain can only hold so much information
12:20that anything new...
12:22erases something old?
12:23But that's not how memory works.
12:25I have a book.
12:27Yeah, but I don't need a book.
12:28I, like, just need...
12:31I don't know.
12:32I think I just need, like, my brain...
12:36can't, like, figure it out.
12:37Like, I...
12:41In my mind, he's just gone back for Thanksgiving.
12:43Oh.
12:44Well, I know, love.
12:45It's awful.
12:46It's awful.
12:46It's awful.
12:50Do you know what I think?
12:51Mm-hmm.
12:52I think you need to talk to one of your sisters.
12:56And personally, I think you need to talk to Rachel.
13:01The last person I need to speak to is Rachel.
13:04Look, I know you're angry.
13:06Angry, Dad. Angry. Angry is how you think I feel.
13:09Dad, I was angry when she puked in my new handbag.
13:14And I was angry when we missed the first 40 minutes of Taylor Swift
13:16because she couldn't find the tickets.
13:18But, like, Dad, anger is not how I'm feeling right now.
13:20Right now.
13:21OK, OK, OK.
13:22Don't get worked up.
13:24Don't get worked up.
13:25It's all right.
13:26It's not good for you.
13:28You just don't get it.
13:30What?
13:30You don't get it.
13:49So, are you excited for your freedom?
13:53Yeah.
13:55I know.
13:58I've been here before.
13:59Like, I'm thinking I had a lick leaving treatment
14:02and trying to stay sober on the outside and then...
14:06Well, second time's the charm.
14:10And when I get out, we can hang out and go to meetings and stuff.
14:14Help each other, you know?
14:16Yeah, I'll definitely be whacking the meetings in anyway.
14:20Ninety and ninety all the way.
14:23What?
14:24Ninety meetings in ninety days, like...
14:26Oh.
14:27Yeah.
14:29That sounds kind of addict-y.
14:32Yeah, but I've had to be addicted to something.
14:34Meetings aren't the worst, right?
14:35Hmm.
14:39Well...
14:42I'm really gonna miss you.
14:46Yeah, well, sure.
14:47You'll probably be out yourself in a few weeks, right?
14:51I mean...
14:53You'll have to fill me in on all the drama I'm gonna miss in here.
14:56Hmm.
14:57And you'll have to mind me and take me to all those meetings.
15:19Just leave this.
15:22You're a menace to surprise me.
15:24I know.
15:28No.
15:29No, no, no, no.
15:30Oh, Rach.
15:31Oh, Rach.
15:32Oh, you don't want this.
15:34Okay?
15:34This could destroy us, like...
15:36No.
15:37This could destroy us.
15:38You could destroy me.
15:39Oh, fuck.
15:45No.
15:46No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
15:48Rach, Rach, Rach, Rach.
15:49I can't.
15:49I can't do this.
15:50I can't.
15:51Okay?
15:51This is like...
15:52I've made this mistake before, okay?
15:56Mistake?
15:57No.
15:58I'm a mistake.
15:59Thanks very much.
16:00No, you didn't mean that.
16:00I just meant, like, I can't relapse again.
16:03I haven't even out of here yet.
16:05Jackie told me that you told her that you were gonna give it to me in the laundry room.
16:13Oh, my God.
16:14I meant this.
16:14I was gonna give you this.
16:15You missed breakfast, like...
16:20Oh, my God.
16:22Fucking Jackie.
16:25Oh, Rach, I really like you.
16:28I really like you.
16:29I just...
16:29I can't.
16:30I don't want this trouble again, you know?
16:32It's...
16:33Am I trouble?
16:36I'm sorry.
16:37It's just...
16:39I'm sorry.
16:40It's not right.
16:48Is that okay?
16:50Yeah, okay.
16:50What?
16:51What?
16:56Uh...
16:58When you're done, come into my office.
17:03You're not taking this seriously.
17:06He asked to do laundry with me.
17:08He was flirting with me.
17:09Was he?
17:10You're so vulnerable to other people's attention, you'd do anything to feel their warmth.
17:16I don't care about getting other people's attention.
17:20It's actually nice to be forgotten for a while.
17:23Would it?
17:24I think you constantly feel forgotten.
17:27Well, you're twisted.
17:28You just put thoughts in people's heads.
17:30You're mistaking Chris's honesty with you for intimacy.
17:34I'm not.
17:35Nothing happened.
17:36Because Chris is further along than you are and had the strength not to use you.
17:44Use me?
17:46He would never do that.
17:47I'm gonna tell him you said that.
17:49Yeah, do.
17:50I will.
17:51It's hard to feel used sexually, but it's worse if no one wants to use you.
18:03What the fuck does that mean?
18:04Your reaction to Chris saying no shows how desperate you are for other people's approval.
18:10Oh, my God.
18:12Oh, my God.
18:14You're painful.
18:17The shit that you come out with and you think you're being inspiring.
18:20Your rudeness is a weapon and an armour and both are useless.
18:25See?
18:26Just more of your bullshit.
18:28Keep trying, you know it's true.
18:31Nothing you've ever said to me is true.
18:34You're fucking charlatan.
18:35You give people insecurities so you can swoop in and solve them.
18:39I'm not an idiot, Rachel.
18:41You get validation from having sex with men because it makes you feel chosen and you never felt chosen at
18:48home.
18:49Shut up, you fucking barren bitch.
18:53I know you.
18:55You're just one of those childless old women who gets jobs where you can treat people like kids.
19:11You're just one of those childless children.
19:38Anna!
19:40Oh?
19:41Will you come here, please?
19:42What?
19:42Will you come here?
19:47Here, I have this really gross spot on my back.
19:49Will you pop it for me?
19:50Sit down.
19:51But you're not allowed to screech or hit me.
19:53Well, they don't hurt me this time.
19:55Fine, I'll do it.
19:55Please, Anna.
20:01I know.
20:06I keep striding on about some letter from Rachel.
20:09Yeah, I know.
20:09He does to me too.
20:10Will you ever stop?
20:11I know.
20:12I opened it.
20:15What?
20:15Oh, come on, Anna.
20:17It's not a Ouija board.
20:18A demon's not going to pop out if I open an envelope.
20:21Helen, that was my post to open.
20:22Yeah, but you were never going to open it.
20:25Come on.
20:25Take my back.
20:28Ow!
20:29You bitch!
20:30It was deep.
20:31It was deep.
20:31It was deep.
20:31It was deep.
20:38It was a waste of a stamp anyway.
20:41Sorry, what do you mean it was blank?
20:42May as well have been.
20:44She said that she was sorry that she's stuck inside when you need her.
20:47wishes that you would talk to her, you would visit her.
20:52And does she apologise?
20:53Not really, no.
20:55Does she have any sense of...
20:56Look, Anna, it's downstairs if you want to read it.
21:18Are you all right, Marcus?
21:20Yeah.
21:21All good.
21:23All right, I'm off.
21:25Anywhere interesting?
21:26God, you smell fab.
21:28College, Maggie?
21:29Oh, yeah.
21:30How's that going?
21:31My gate.
21:34Helen Watch, what have you done?
21:36What did you do to the back of your head?
21:37Oh, don't, Mum.
21:38I have to go.
21:41The bottom half of her hair is gone.
21:45Mum, it's just hair.
21:46It'll grow back.
21:48I wonder about her sometimes.
21:50Yeah, she's a bit cryptic.
21:52Well, thank God I have one uncomplicated daughter.
21:57Clare, what's the story of what are you going to wear now for this memorial?
21:59My funeral coat is too heavy for going to be indoors all day.
22:02I was going to wear, like, my navy work suit.
22:06Navy?
22:07Oh, God.
22:07No, Margaret.
22:08Come on, it has to be black.
22:10You should wear your black dress with the gold.
22:11It's very slimming.
22:14Yeah.
22:15Yeah, that was an option too.
22:17Good.
22:18Good, girl.
22:19Now, I have to get up to the centre before they close, get something new,
22:21and I want to book a blow-dry for Anna for the morning.
22:25Mum, I really don't think Anna is going to want to get her hair blow-dried in the morning.
22:28We all have to be presentable, every one of us.
22:32Maureen Kilfeather had two fascinators on standby when Deirdre got married.
22:35It's not a wedding.
22:37We need to let people see what the wedding could have been.
22:40Look, why are you fighting with me on this?
22:44I'm not.
22:45I'm not fighting you at all, Mum.
22:47I agree with you completely.
22:49Good girl.
22:51Do you need anything from the centre?
22:52No.
22:53Actually, yeah, Mum.
22:54Would you pick up some cornflakes?
22:57No, no, they're full of sugar.
22:58There's porridge up there in the press.
23:05Porridge and cornflakes are not the same thing, are they?
23:11We're going to have to get some cornflakes.
23:19Do you have a dog over again?
23:20I'll take it…
23:28I'm sorry.
23:29Do you have a dog over again?
23:31Do you have a dog over again?
23:34Do you have a dog over again?
23:35Do you have a dog over again?
23:46I don't know.
24:11I don't know.
24:48I don't know.
24:49Dan, hi.
24:50It's good to see you.
24:52Can I give you a hug?
24:54Yeah.
24:58I only heard the news on Monday. I'm so sorry, love.
25:02Thanks.
25:04Sorry, I probably should have told you. Just had to be all over the shop.
25:08Stop. Don't be silly.
25:11How's Rachel?
25:13Fine.
25:14Is she?
25:15Mm-hmm.
25:16Haven't heard from her for a long while now.
25:19How's she managing?
25:21She's on holiday.
25:23On holidays?
25:25At Raiden died, whoa.
25:27Came for Rachel, that's a tide.
25:30Dan, I'd love to chat, but I...
25:32Someone called Janie.
25:34Dropped in this field.
25:36She called into ours, but I told her you were probably at your folks'.
25:40What did she say?
25:41What did she look...
25:41What did she...
25:44What did she look like?
25:46Hmm.
25:47Seven.
25:49Brunette.
25:50Petite.
25:50Great teeth.
25:52American, I think.
25:54She...
25:55Said she just wanted a talking.
25:57Would you give her a call?
25:58Okay.
26:00Thanks.
26:01I...
26:03I know Rachel.
26:04Fluggie's great.
26:05It's a tough time.
26:07Go easy on yourself.
26:09No charge.
26:10Obviously.
26:20Fuck.
26:23Her hair.
26:24Obviously.
26:24She's drunk.
26:25I mean...
26:26I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
26:29I'm sorry.
26:29I don't know.
26:36I'm sorry.
26:37That's some people.
26:40Hey!
26:42Your hand.
26:43My hand.
26:44Ever been here.
26:45Good morning.
26:47I'm sorry.
26:48I don't know your hand.
26:48I'm sorry.
26:49You're a matter of time.
26:49My hand.
26:50My hand.
26:51Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
26:54And now you're back inside my house again
26:57I'm trying deeper to explain
27:03Cause baby I wanna get it on
27:07And baby, you're the one for me
27:11And now that I've got you all alone
27:16After all this talking on the phone
27:27Oh, my God.
27:54Hey, I was just thinking about you.
27:57So, are Converse too casual for our first date?
28:01Never mind.
28:02Would you like to meet earlier?
28:03Get a drink or two before dinner?
28:05Is that too many questions?
28:07Please, please don't hate me for this.
28:09Okay?
28:10I just...
28:11I'm sitting here about to put my makeup on
28:13and I just really, really want to be on my own.
28:16Okay.
28:17It's just...
28:19It's been so crazy with my sisters in the hospital
28:21and I just really...
28:24Well, it's just really lovely to sit in silence.
28:29Yeah.
28:30I just want to pot her.
28:33Is that okay?
28:35Um...
28:36Do you hate me?
28:37Absolutely not.
28:39But I just want to make sure this isn't a polite way to ghost me.
28:42No.
28:43No, definitely not.
28:45It's just nice to have absolutely no one around
28:47and not be tripping over people or Lego
28:48or have someone need me.
28:51Okay.
28:51I'm going to hang up now
28:52before I start taking this personally.
28:54Okay.
28:55Bye.
28:56I'll see you soon.
29:17Hiya, Luke.
29:18Hiya, Mags.
29:20Is Anna around?
29:21No, actually, she's not.
29:22I haven't seen her.
29:23Your dad here?
29:25No.
29:25He's gone to Dundrum to collect mum and get some dinner.
29:28Oh, right.
29:29Nice.
29:30Are you okay?
29:31Do you want to come in?
29:32It's just me here.
29:33Kate's in bed.
29:34Yeah.
29:35Sorry, Maggie.
29:36I don't really know why I'm here, to be honest.
29:38I went to go and see Rachel
29:41and...
29:41I don't know.
29:42I feel a bit worried about the whole thing.
29:44Come on in.
29:45I'll put on the kettle.
29:47Okay.
29:48And mum was telling me
29:49that you have to say everything, like,
29:51in front of the whole group.
29:52Yeah.
29:54Yeah, like, I felt like such a bully.
29:56They told me it would help her
29:58if I was brutally honest, so I was.
30:00They said that she's as sick as her secrets.
30:03Whatever that means.
30:06Well, I don't know what that means,
30:07but I know that she's gonna...
30:10eventually know that you were just trying to help her.
30:12Was she?
30:13Yeah.
30:15I saw how hurt she was, Mags.
30:17I mean, I told her I didn't love her.
30:20But you do.
30:20Of course I love her.
30:23I just don't know where we go from here.
30:30I would ask you to come back to my house,
30:33but I've got, like, my cousins are staying there at the moment, so...
30:35No, it's fine.
30:36I, um...
30:37I have a lecture.
30:38Oh, do you?
30:38Yeah, yeah, that's what I mean.
30:40Oh, gosh.
30:40See, your woman is going to be on Dancing with the Stars.
30:43I don't know half the people in that program anymore.
30:46I mean, who even is she?
30:47Only the daughter of your man with the radio voice.
30:49Hmm?
30:52All right.
30:58Mary.
31:01Helen.
31:03There it is.
31:04At least she's got the school back.
31:05God forgive me for doubting her.
31:07I never actually thought she was going to those lectures.
31:26Well, what are you doing?
31:27What?
31:28Mary!
31:33Oh, fuck.
31:34What?
31:37Um, is that your mum?
31:39Yeah.
31:39Helen Walsh.
31:40Mum?
31:42You okay?
31:42You were supposed to be the easy one.
31:45The fifth child is supposed to slot right in.
31:47I already have a troublemaker, a drama queen, an unreliable and a people pleaser.
31:50Come on, Helen, give me a break.
31:51Will you please stop?
31:52No, will you stop?
31:54No.
31:55No, I'm not going to change my life because you're a homophobe.
31:58A homophobe?
32:01I don't give a shit.
32:02Who?
32:03You're kissing me, the man, woman, or fecking gender fluid, but vaping.
32:08My daughter, a vapist.
32:12Fifth, you said you were an early child.
32:15I...
32:15Well, that's a really weird thing to lie about.
32:17Why would you lie about that?
32:18You were full on catfish.
32:19No, no, Sam.
32:20No, look, no, I...
32:24There are no long-term studies about the effects of vaping.
32:26Could you not just be normal and smoke a cigarette?
32:32She seems kind of nice.
32:35What's a catfish?
32:37You wouldn't understand.
32:38Well, I might.
32:38Try me.
32:46So go on.
32:47How was your night?
32:48Did you get some rest?
32:51Yeah, did you?
32:52Well, no, actually, because Garve didn't text me back.
32:55And no matter what is going on with us, we always text each other back.
32:58And then he rang this morning to say, oh, sorry, he was stuck in meetings.
33:02And you don't believe him?
33:03But that's happened before, hasn't it?
33:05No, I do believe him.
33:06I'm just afraid that the schedule and everything's pissed him off.
33:09Oh, Max, I think you're being too sensitive.
33:12Just one night.
33:14Probably hormonal.
33:16Possibly.
33:17Yeah.
33:25I cancelled my date last night.
33:28I know.
33:30I was really looking forward to it.
33:33I was just so tired.
33:35And the idea of a night alone.
33:37You know, no Kate, no talking questions, no fights over brushing teeth.
33:44I just...
33:49Am I terrible?
33:50No, you're not terrible.
33:51I just...
33:52I'm sorry that you find it so hard.
33:55Mm.
33:58Sometimes I just wish I was child free.
34:00You know?
34:02I can't wish that now.
34:03I love Kate.
34:04I just wish I'd never had her.
34:05No, because...
34:08Because now she's here, my life would be destroyed if anything happened to her.
34:11I love her.
34:11She's mine.
34:14I don't know, if I'd never had her, never met her, I think I would have a really beautiful life,
34:18child free.
34:23Midget.
34:25Shove up.
34:34So?
34:36Mum tells me you're a lesbian now.
34:37Excuse me?
34:39Jesus, Clare.
34:40What?
34:40Said she saw you kissing a girl down by the village.
34:42No, and that makes me a lesbian now, does it?
34:44Does it not?
34:45Fundamentally, yes.
34:46No, it doesn't.
34:47Well, then what are you?
34:50What do you mean, what am I?
34:51Well, come on, I can't be dealing with all this woke stuff.
34:55Are you gay or not?
34:56No, I just...
34:57You know, there's so few sound people in the world that if I meet one, I tend to want to
35:01spend more time with them.
35:03Fair.
35:05Yeah, and wise.
35:06Very wise.
35:07Oh, my God.
35:12This is an oat latte, right?
35:15Hey, love.
35:16Just leaving work.
35:17I'll see you at home.
35:19I'll pick up Chinese on the way.
35:20Love you.
35:22Bye.
35:29I'm at home.
35:31I think about you all the time.
35:33I have a pain in my stomach for missing you.
35:37Feels like I have appendicitis.
35:39Don't even have my appendix.
35:41Do you have your appendix?
35:45I never asked about your appendix or your tonsils.
35:50I am never going to know more about you than I already know.
35:55And it makes me feel like I can't stand up straight.
36:00I just don't know what to do, Aidan.
36:06It's not fair.
36:10It's not fair.
36:16No.
36:17It's just going to be Dan trying to give me drugs.
36:19No, it's not.
36:24Stay.
36:27Please.
36:30Stay.
36:31Stay.
36:42Janie?
36:48Is...
36:50Whose baby is us?
36:53Can I come in?
36:57Yeah.
37:12Do you want to hold him?
37:14No.
37:15Sorry.
37:17I can't.
37:18That's okay.
37:20I know it's a lot for you to take in.
37:23It was a lot for him, too.
37:25Oh.
37:26Yeah, I should have said it sooner.
37:28I just...
37:29Well, I wasn't sure.
37:31And he was so happy with you.
37:35Sorry.
37:36Sorry, this is just too...
37:39fucking strange.
37:40You're trying to tell me that that baby...
37:43is half Aidan's,
37:44but Aidan also loved me,
37:46but didn't tell me he had a child.
37:48He didn't know until the day of the car crash.
37:54I swear to you.
37:56Aidan and I, we grew up together.
37:58I mean, we've known each other our whole lives.
38:00We moved here together,
38:01and we loved each other,
38:03but we were never in love.
38:06We weren't made for each other.
38:08The moment he met you,
38:09he was obsessed.
38:12We all went for goodbye drinks,
38:15and he spoke about you to everyone.
38:17Sorry not to be rude,
38:17but can you just...
38:20get to the part where you get pregnant with his child?
38:23It's not the prettiest story.
38:24I mean, it's Aidan.
38:26We...
38:28We sometimes rarely hooked up when we were drunk.
38:34Before you, obviously,
38:36but, well, just before.
38:40I was seeing somebody at the time,
38:42so I didn't tell Aidan I was pregnant.
38:43I didn't want to make things weird,
38:45but, you know, I was with Mark,
38:47and Aidan was with you,
38:50and we drifted.
38:53Naturally.
38:55So why did you blow up his whole life?
38:57Why not just keep it yourself?
38:58Because once I knew this child was Aidan's,
39:00I couldn't keep that from him.
39:01He would have been an amazing father.
39:04So, what, I'm just meant to be okay
39:06with the fact that you have my fiancé's baby,
39:08and I'm never going to get that chance?
39:09I'm not saying you have to be okay with it.
39:14It was wrong of me to come here.
39:15I just thought...
39:17this is all that's left of a man
39:19that we both really cared about,
39:20and I...
39:22thought it would bring you some kind of odd comfort.
39:24I'm sorry.
39:24I can't do this.
39:25I...
39:27I just can't do this on my own.
39:28I'm so sorry.
39:29You're going to have to leave.
39:30Okay.
39:44I'll...
39:47I'll see you.
39:48I'll see you.
39:49I'll see you.
39:51I'll see you.
39:51Come here.
39:52Come here.
39:54Oh, Thief.
39:56Come here.
39:57I'm so proud of you.
39:58See you soon, all right?
40:00clouded up.
40:00Good job.
40:02Good job.
40:03Good job.
40:06I'll see you at his ultimate meetings, all right?
40:08Right, I'm going to be in город.
40:09Good job.
40:09All right.
40:14Thank you, all right?
40:16Good job.
40:17Good job.
40:23Good job.
40:26Good job.
40:28Good job.
40:34Hey.
40:35You said you were off at six.
40:37I've never spent any time with a doctor.
40:39No, you're right, I haven't.
40:41But I'd like to spend more time with you.
40:43So you're not going to cancel
40:45last minute if I ask you out again?
40:48I mean, I hope not.
41:05Yeah?
41:07Um, do you mind if I come in?
41:10Sure.
41:11Okay.
41:25Um, yeah, I just, uh, I just wanted to say
41:28that I'm really sorry about what I said.
41:30I was just...
41:33I was just really angry and embarrassed
41:35and I took it out on you.
41:37You sure did.
41:39How did that make you feel?
41:42Great.
41:43And then shit.
41:46Kinda like cocaine.
41:52You know you're right, Rachel.
41:54I don't have children.
41:56I've made peace with it now, but it took a while.
42:00It was hard to accept that I had wasted
42:03every moment of my fertile years
42:06with a needle in any vein I could find.
42:13I...
42:15I just know, I...
42:16Well, you do know.
42:18We're all the same.
42:20Addicts.
42:21Maybe my experience can help you one day.
42:27What?
42:29I'm really sorry for saying it.
42:30I...
42:31I didn't even know if it was true.
42:43Do you find silence uncomfortable?
42:48Uh...
42:49I don't know.
42:51Um...
42:52Why?
42:52I...
42:53My eyes is loud.
42:55Work's loud.
42:56My head's really loud.
42:58So, um...
43:00I don't know.
43:01It's just hard to find quiet, I suppose.
43:04I hear you.
43:04I used to only find it when I was running.
43:08Oh.
43:08Don't like running.
43:09I tried it once, but, uh...
43:12It just felt like someone was chasing me, so...
43:15I don't know.
43:16It just made me feel more anxious.
43:20Say more.
43:23I don't know.
43:24I just got this feeling.
43:26I always get it.
43:27It's like...
43:31It's like I'm a...
43:33Raindrop.
43:34That had just hit the sea.
43:36And it swallows me up.
43:37I'm gone.
43:46But, um...
43:50Yeah, I just, uh...
43:53I got lost in it.
43:59And...
44:01Yeah, one day, I just said to myself, I was just like,
44:04Ugh.
44:07What is the point in all this?
44:10I feel like shit.
44:13All the time.
44:17I feel like shit.
44:18So, um...
44:22I take drugs to stop feeling like shit.
44:24And then the drugs wear off.
44:25And then I just feel worse.
44:30And I was just so tired.
44:34So I just, I ran, and I ran, and then...
44:37I ran until I got to the sea.
44:41And?
44:43Well...
44:45Dad was obsessed with us getting swimming lessons as kids.
44:49So, uh...
44:50I'm actually a really good swimmer.
44:52So there's no point.
44:54That's the first positive thing I ever heard you say about yourself.
44:59Yeah.
45:00Whoo.
45:00I can swim.
45:03Uh...
45:04Yeah, so then, it was just like...
45:08If I go in, I'm just gonna be...
45:11wet and sad.
45:12Which is objectively worse than just being sad.
45:16So there was no point, um...
45:19So what'd you do then?
45:21I always just rounded up the usual suspects and got fucked up.
45:25And?
45:27It was amazing.
45:32I remember the first time I, uh...
45:34tried coke, and...
45:36I remember thinking, all these people know the secret and no one told me.
45:40But I found out for myself.
45:43And then I was like, I wanna know what other secrets these bastards have.
45:47So...
45:49The day I was gonna go into the sea...
45:54Cocaine saved me.
45:56Yeah, you're right.
45:57Drugs have saved you, but they're not working anymore.
46:02How long has it been since you, um...
46:08used?
46:0925 years.
46:12One day at a time.
46:15Wow.
46:18How?
46:19That's like a whole lifetime.
46:22Meetings.
46:23A good sponsor.
46:25No excitement for about a year.
46:28I mean, try and stay in the same emotional temperature.
46:33Nothing that makes you too sad, or too happy, or too anything.
46:38But you're not ready to leave yet.
46:41Don't worry.
46:42We'll get Celine to go with you to the memorial.
46:45And she'll help you cope with all that emotion.
46:51Well, I just don't think anyone wants to see my face.
46:58Nobody wants me.
47:02Um...
47:04Anna doesn't want me.
47:07Luke doesn't want me.
47:10Chris doesn't even fucking want me.
47:12It is really painful.
47:14But this is everything addiction has taken from you.
47:18So how do I get it back?
47:21I mean...
47:23How do I get everyone to like me again?
47:27You can't, love.
47:29You just have to like yourself.
47:34But I don't.
47:38I don't.
47:40I know.
47:43But you will.
47:4825 years.
47:59Anna.
47:59Hey.
48:00Are you okay?
48:01We were just talking about the memorial.
48:03I was thinking, maybe, do you want to say a few words?
48:05Yeah, I was going to make a slideshow of photos.
48:07Can I take them from your phone?
48:08We can help you write a speech now.
48:09Do you want to sit down inside?
48:11No.
48:11I'm not going to say anything.
48:12I didn't know him at all.
48:14I literally knew nothing about him.
48:15I'm just stupid and impulsive and never can see that.
48:17And that's why everybody takes advantage of me.
48:19Anna, what are you talking about?
48:20I need to lie down.
48:21We have nothing prepared for tomorrow.
48:23No one cares, Clare.
48:24Do you want us to cancel it?
48:25I don't care.
48:27Well, we can't cancel it because everybody's been invited.
48:30So you go and have your lie down, Anna.
48:32You do the music.
48:34You do the photos.
48:34And if she doesn't want to say anything...
48:36What?
48:37Nothing.
48:38Nothing.
48:50Has something else happened, Anna?
48:52Stop it.
48:54Come on.
48:57Baby.
48:58Anna.
48:59Like, what do you mean?
49:00And then you come into my house with your stupid fucking little pub
49:04and then I'm meant to just be okay with that.
49:06How am I even...
49:07What am I supposed to do with that?
49:10Who are you talking to?
49:10What?
49:11Myself.
49:12Okay.
49:13Are you responding?
49:15Because that's a sign of psychosis.
49:16No, I'm not responding.
49:17Well, I don't have the answers.
49:19Okay.
49:22What do you need?
49:23Rachel.
49:24I need to speak to Rachel.
49:30Here.
49:31Want some?
49:31Yeah.
49:32Lovely.
49:34No, I don't do sugar.
49:36Oh, come on.
49:36Just eat some.
49:37No, I'm good.
49:38Here, I'll have some.
49:39Rachel, where does your sister live?
49:41I don't know.
49:41Blackrock.
49:42Why?
49:44I've just never seen this chocolate outside an airport.
49:47Oh, fuck.
49:48What's wrong?
49:50I, uh...
49:51I forgot about the airport points.
49:54How the fuck am I meant to go on holiday sober?
49:56Thanks.
49:57You'll be alright.
49:58You'll manage.
50:14I watched literally 20 men in suits flock to the bar to help this lad who was close to a
50:19relapse.
50:20When you get out, you call me.
50:21I'll take you to a meeting.
50:22You'll be alright.
50:26What?
50:29Anna.
50:31Anna, hi.
50:32Stop.
50:33Stop.
50:34Are you okay?
50:36Am I okay?
50:38Are you serious?
50:39Yeah, Anna.
50:40You look really...
50:44You're scaring me.
50:45Do you want to come and see me?
50:46Are you happy, Rachel?
50:49Is this what you wanted?
50:51Me?
50:52All to yourself.
50:53Are you fucking happy now?
50:55You and your awful obsession with yourself and getting what you want.
51:00Anna, please just...
51:01No, don't even try.
51:01I never want to hear your voice ever again.
51:07Did you just come here to have a go with me?
51:09No, Rachel.
51:10I came here because Aidan has a fucking baby with another woman.
51:16And I realised I have been so dependent on you for my entire life that I don't even know
51:21how I feel about something until I know how you feel about it.
51:24And then I come here and I see your stupid face and your junky friends.
51:29And I realised you will never feel how I do.
51:36No, you'll always, you'll always get what you need.
51:39You're like a tree growing through the wall.
51:42You'll always find a way to make friends and get your own way and you don't give a shit
51:47about who you damage in the process.
51:49That's not true.
51:52It's not true.
51:55I'm so sorry.
51:56I'm so sorry.
51:58Actually, yeah, it is true for everyone else in the world, but not you.
52:03I really, really, really give a shit.
52:12No.
52:14No, you don't.
52:19Look, please.
52:21I'm, I'm in fucking rehab, okay?
52:24I'm trying.
52:28I just want to wipe the slate clean, Anna.
52:30It's my slate.
52:34You don't get to wipe it clean.
52:38So what?
52:41What about the memorial or the funeral or whatever?
52:43Yeah, obviously I want you to come to the memorial.
52:48But I don't want you there.
52:55What the fuck am I supposed to do with that?
52:57Yes.
53:18You can watch the next episode now. Press red for iPlayer.
53:21And if you've been affected by addiction,
53:24details of help and support are available on the BBC Action Line website
53:28or call free at any time to hear recorded information
53:31on our 1000-1999-5947.
53:34them.
53:36Ooh.
53:37Mm.
53:39Ooh.
53:39There you are.
53:47Hmm.
53:49Mm.
53:50Mm.
53:51Very.
53:51Mm.
53:53Yeah.
53:53Mm.
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