- 10 hours ago
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:23Welcome to a very special edition of previously unseen clips from
00:29series 19 of Would I Lie to You?
01:03We begin with round one, home truths, where our panellists read out a statement from
01:07the card in front of them.
01:09To make things harder, they've never seen the card before, they have no idea what they'll
01:13be faced with.
01:14It's up to the opposing team to sort the fact from the fiction.
01:17Mark, you're first up tonight.
01:22Once, during a school football match, I was sent off for a two-footed tackle on Liam Gallagher.
01:29LAUGHTER
01:30These two.
01:31Wow.
01:32When was this?
01:34It was in the late 80s.
01:37What's a two-footed tackle?
01:39It's...
01:40It is basically...
01:42Do it on Rob.
01:43LAUGHTER
01:46You're going like that.
01:47Not sort of waist type, but like ankle.
01:51What sort of age were you in the late 80s, if you don't mind me asking?
01:54I was 14, 15.
01:56So you're the same age as Liam Gallagher?
01:59Yes.
02:00Really?
02:00Yeah.
02:02LAUGHTER
02:04Because one of you looks much older.
02:06Yeah.
02:07He's had a life of much more drink and drugs, so that's why.
02:10I don't think that's what he was saying.
02:13LAUGHTER
02:15Were you at the same school, at a different school?
02:18No, we were at different schools.
02:20Right.
02:21What was your school called?
02:22Manchester Grammar School.
02:23Where was Liam?
02:25He wasn't at grammar school, was he?
02:28Burnage High School.
02:28You got sent off, did he? Was he injured?
02:30No, I didn't get...
02:31You didn't really get sent off in schools football in the 80s.
02:35Oh, sorry, I thought you said you were sent off, no?
02:37I thought you said you were sent off, yeah.
02:38Oh, I was sent off, yeah.
02:39LAUGHTER
02:44No, no, no, no, no!
02:45Hang on, hang on, hang on!
02:46Hang on, hang on!
02:46This is going to be interesting.
02:49I thought of what, Mark?
02:50Because...
02:50Because what?
02:51Back then, in school football, you were just told to leave the pitch
02:56rather than an officious...
02:57I think that's what sending off is.
02:58Yeah, but...
02:59You could still bring someone else on.
03:02Oh, they let you replace you?
03:03And how did he react?
03:05He...
03:05He tried to hit me.
03:07Did he?
03:08Yeah.
03:09What, wouldn't you, if I two-footed you?
03:11I wouldn't.
03:12No.
03:13I would go to an authority figure...
03:16Right.
03:16...and seek vengeance through that route.
03:19Right.
03:19So how come Liam wasn't sent off for retaliation?
03:22Oh.
03:23Because they only had 11 players and therefore he couldn't be replaced.
03:27So in school football, if you only had 11 players available,
03:30they could do anything.
03:32One of them's done a murder.
03:34Yeah, but we can't have them down to 10 men.
03:36We won't have a game.
03:39The whole of the Burnage team would have been scallywax.
03:41This is Burnage.
03:42No, that's very...
03:43This is Burnage.
03:44That's very unfair to Burnage, Bob.
03:46In those days?
03:47Particularly when I still live in the area.
03:50LAUGHTER
03:52At that age, did he have a reputation?
03:56Because he's got that swagger and everything.
03:58Not after I two-footed him, no.
04:00Did he play in a coat?
04:03LAUGHTER
04:03With his hood off.
04:07Lee, you're a big football fan.
04:08I'm wondering if you've had any encounters with illustrious opponents.
04:14Oh.
04:14If you've gone in hard on anyone.
04:17Oh, Bob.
04:17Bob Mortimer.
04:18Bob Mortimer.
04:19Bill Duffy from the band The Cult.
04:21Yes.
04:22I tackled him.
04:23I took him out.
04:23This is incredible.
04:25Everyone's had to date it.
04:27Tell him about the time you tripped up Alec Jones in a lacrosse game.
04:32LAUGHTER
04:38So, what are we thinking?
04:39Diane, what do you make of this?
04:41Oh, I actually think it's a truth.
04:44Bob, I think it's true.
04:46You think it's true?
04:47I do, yeah.
04:48There's always a sign on this show that something isn't the truth.
04:51LAUGHTER
04:51And that's when someone's telling the story, they go...
04:55LAUGHTER
04:57He may be giving you a double bluff.
04:59I don't know, how old's Liam Gallagher?
05:01I didn't know who he was for a long time with that conversation, actually.
05:05You didn't know who Liam Gallagher was?
05:07No, I didn't.
05:09You must be doing a lot of Googling.
05:11I'm probably...
05:11I do.
05:12LAUGHTER
05:13If you don't know Liam Gallagher...
05:17OK, well, my team say it's true, so we'll go true.
05:19Right, Mark.
05:21Truth or lie?
05:23It was...
05:25..a lie.
05:26A lie!
05:31Right, Yinka, you're next.
05:36I once bunked off work but got busted when I was spotted on TV.
05:41Right, David's team.
05:41What was the work and what was the TV?
05:45Erm, I used to work at a hotel as a hostess in the restaurant,
05:51greeting...
05:52..restaurant people.
05:54And, erm...
05:55Let's call them diners.
05:58I knew there was a reason he was sitting in.
06:11Erm...
06:11I went up for eviction and I wanted to go to the eviction,
06:15so I went.
06:16When...
06:16When would this have been, Yinka?
06:192010?
06:21And you are a hostess at a hotel.
06:24Swanky?
06:25Knightsbridge.
06:26No, you say hostess.
06:27Ooh.
06:27What you described sounded more to me like a maitre d'.
06:31But I'm from Peckham.
06:34LAUGHTER
06:36Imagine Lee has done well enough to visit this hotel of yours.
06:40How do you deal with someone like him coming into your hotel?
06:44I, er...
06:44Er...
06:45I've got a reservation.
06:46Name?
06:47No, I mean, your tablecloths are dirty.
06:49LAUGHTER
06:52Erm...
06:52Lee Mack.
06:53Table for one?
06:54Dining alone?
06:55Yes.
06:56She's left me.
06:58LAUGHTER
06:59We have one right by the toilet for you, sir.
07:02See, I would like to say how dare you,
07:05but that's actually quite handy, thank you.
07:06LAUGHTER
07:08So what happened then?
07:10So I was working in the evening.
07:12Yeah.
07:12And I said,
07:15well, I can't come to the eviction because I'm at work.
07:17And they were like, these are the friends,
07:20come on, you have to come, you have to come.
07:21So I was texting during my break.
07:23OK, you have to think of some sort of emergency
07:25in order for me to get off of work.
07:28Right.
07:28So then my best friend's other sister called up my workplace
07:34and told them that my house was being burgled.
07:37Because you wouldn't phone the police, would you?
07:39I don't...
07:39I wasn't the one...
07:40There's a burglary.
07:41Quick, phone a random restaurant.
07:42Yeah.
07:43Yeah.
07:44How did she know it was currently being burgled?
07:46Well, I didn't answer the phone so I don't know.
07:48Yeah.
07:48Sorry, did you just say,
07:49how did she know it was currently being burgled?
07:51Yeah.
07:51It wasn't.
07:53LAUGHTER
07:55Are you actually following this?
07:58LAUGHTER
07:59So my manager came up to me and said,
08:01your house is being burgled.
08:03Yeah.
08:03Yeah, yeah.
08:03So I said, I've got to go!
08:05So then I went outside, my friends were in the car
08:08and then off to Boreham would be waiting.
08:09Oh, they were in the car waiting for you?
08:10Yeah, in a little...
08:11Does this story end with you saying to the boss,
08:13you're not going to believe who burgled it?
08:14Davina McCool.
08:15LAUGHTER
08:17So you got in the car...
08:19We went to the eviction.
08:20You went to the eviction.
08:21Right.
08:21And then I...
08:22They made me a sign.
08:23I think it was John.
08:25Get John out!
08:26So I'm saying, get him out!
08:28Yay!
08:29Save my friend from the eviction.
08:31So, you got another shift then the next day.
08:34Yeah, Saturday morning.
08:35What happens?
08:36So I've gone into work and it was so weird
08:38because as I'm walking through the corridor,
08:39everyone's asking me how my house was
08:41and I'm like, yeah, fine, yours?
08:42Cos obviously I forgot.
08:44LAUGHTER
08:45My house wasn't really burgled.
08:47Yeah.
08:47And then so my manager called me into the office
08:51and was like, what happened yesterday?
08:53And I was like, oh, well, you know that they...
08:54they took everything.
08:55Yeah.
08:55And then he pressed play on the telly.
08:58LAUGHTER
08:58And I was...
08:59One of those tellies with play on, yeah?
09:01Yeah, because he must have recorded it on demand or something.
09:03Oh, my gosh, this is horrible.
09:04Yeah.
09:05This is a good song.
09:05You're on my team!
09:06I know, I'm gripped by the story.
09:08LAUGHTER
09:09I'm genuinely gripped by the story.
09:10So then I just saw myself...
09:13AHHHHH!
09:14With me sign!
09:16What happens next?
09:17I was like, I'll just get my stuff.
09:19You immediately accepted a...
09:21A dismissal.
09:22Yeah.
09:23You didn't say, I'm sorry, can I still work here?
09:25But I wasn't sorry.
09:26You weren't sorry.
09:27No, I'll do it again.
09:29LAUGHTER
09:30What do you think?
09:31Could this be true?
09:32I have one thing that doesn't add up.
09:34Wow, Columbo's in town.
09:36LAUGHTER
09:37Just one more question.
09:39OK, so your boss had a TV...
09:42..in the office?
09:43Yep.
09:44Oh, they did.
09:46LAUGHTER
09:48Thanks, Mr Columbo, I'll let you know!
09:51LAUGHTER
09:52I think we're going to go true.
09:54True.
09:54They think it's true.
09:55Yinka, was it true or was it a lie?
09:57It is...
09:59..true.
09:59Yeah!
10:01APPLAUSE
10:05Alastair.
10:08My middle name has three consecutive O's in it.
10:13LAUGHTER
10:14Your middle name has three consecutive O's in it.
10:17Yours as well?
10:18No, I...
10:19LAUGHTER
10:20No.
10:21No.
10:22I don't think there's a word with three consecutive O's.
10:24Moo-sh.
10:25What about, er...
10:27Moo...
10:28What about a really long moo?
10:30Like someone's having a suckle on the udder cos they've been a good boy.
10:32LAUGHTER
10:39OK, so, what's your middle name?
10:45Owen.
10:46Now, I'm not a great speller, but even I know that is traditionally spelled O-W-E-N, isn't it?
10:52This is a rare Gaelic spelling, Scots Gaelic spelling.
10:57Oh, are you...
10:57Have you got Gaelic blood?
10:59Yeah.
10:59I didn't know.
11:00LAUGHTER
11:01Erm, how do you spell Owen?
11:04O...
11:04O...
11:06O...
11:06I wanna be like you!
11:10E-I-N.
11:11Owen.
11:13Owen.
11:14And that's an original Gaelic spelling of what we now know as Owen.
11:18Yes.
11:19It was a spoken language rather than a written language.
11:21And in being transcribed into Latin characters, there's a lot of variation.
11:24Right.
11:25But how are you supposed to pronounce it?
11:26O-O-W-E-N.
11:27You're actually supposed to say that?
11:29LAUGHTER
11:30That is great.
11:31If you...
11:31I might, cos I've got two E's, I might still call myself Lee.
11:34Yeah.
11:35LAUGHTER
11:36It would be, if you can imagine it, you know, the...
11:38Oh, you're on the Moors, you're on the Highlands, it's Owen.
11:41Oh...
11:42People have had a lot more time on their hands in history as well.
11:45Take as long as you like saying someone's name.
11:47Mm-hm.
11:48That would just...
11:48That's a way of killing a really boring weekend.
11:53What do you think, Josie?
11:54Is he telling the truth?
11:55I think it's a damn right lie.
11:58Do you?
11:59LAUGHTER
11:59Yeah.
12:00What are you thinking, Joe?
12:02Oh...
12:02When.
12:03LAUGHTER
12:06Uh, no, I don't think it's true.
12:08You don't think it's true.
12:09Josie doesn't think it's true.
12:10No.
12:10Well, I don't want to disagree with my team, but I think it's true.
12:13Have you ever seen three consecutive O's?
12:15Yes.
12:16When?
12:17I dropped some spaghetti hoops.
12:19LAUGHTER
12:21That's two.
12:23What?
12:30I dropped some of the foodstuff spaghetti in here.
12:32Oh, sorry.
12:33I dropped them.
12:34I did drop a whole tin of spaghetti in here.
12:35I did drop...
12:35I did drop a whole tin of spaghetti in here.
12:37I'm going...
12:38There seems to be three O's in this.
12:41LAUGHTER
12:43What's it going to be?
12:44We'll say it's a lie then.
12:45OK, they think it's a lie, Alastair.
12:48Was it a lie or were you in fact telling the truth?
12:50I was telling...
12:52A lie, sorry.
12:54APPLAUSE
12:59Jason.
13:00So...
13:02I was once furious when a theatre performance was ruined by the ringing of a mobile phone.
13:08Very good to see you.
13:10What was the play?
13:11The play was an Irish play about Northern Ireland and...
13:14Who were you in it with?
13:16Irish people.
13:18Do you remember any of them?
13:20There was a Sean.
13:23Oh, yeah.
13:24You know, Brian.
13:26Brian.
13:28Dermot.
13:30So, what happened?
13:32The end of the play was a big silence.
13:34And a phone rang.
13:36This is a long time ago.
13:38So, the phones were on ascending rings.
13:40Can you remember the ringtone?
13:42I can't, but it would have been a Nokia.
13:43It was back in the pre-iPhone days.
13:45So, was it like a...
13:50Or was it a sort of...
13:53We're like...
13:54LAUGHTER
13:56LAUGHTER
13:58Just one more, one more time.
14:00One more time?
14:03Yeah, and the other one?
14:04One.
14:06No, it wasn't either of those.
14:09LAUGHTER
14:13The terrible thing is, I was sitting there thinking, we've earned this silence.
14:16This is a tense play, two-hour play.
14:18And I was about to turn around and say to the audience, somebody switched that off.
14:23And I realised, it was in my pocket.
14:25It was my phone.
14:27I know.
14:27Oh!
14:28I know.
14:29I have brought my phone in my pocket on stage for a play set in the 1970s, when they didn't
14:34have phones.
14:35What did you do, Jason?
14:36It's a hell of a twist, the way you've told the story.
14:38Yes.
14:39I would say, honestly, I enjoyed White Lotus.
14:41This is better.
14:43LAUGHTER
14:44So, I took it out of my pocket, and I went...
14:47You've not even been invented yet!
14:48That's right.
14:55And then I tried to avoid eye contact with the rest of the cast.
15:00And anybody in the theatre for the next 30-odd years.
15:04So, if you actually answered the phone...
15:06I had to stop it ringing.
15:08Forget the anachronism, I'll use it.
15:10This character is getting a phone call.
15:12So, let me ask you, what would you have done?
15:13I would have brought my phone on the stage.
15:17Well, that's that...
15:17Because I respect the theatre too much.
15:19One of the...
15:24Right, David's team, what are you thinking?
15:26You see, I think he's made it more vague than he needed to.
15:29Yeah.
15:30Which is what makes me think it's true.
15:32Yes.
15:32Yeah, yeah.
15:32But he's agreeing with us, and that worries me now.
15:37It's like we're falling into his trap.
15:39Yeah.
15:39But you don't mind falling into Jason Isaac's trap.
15:41I think that's OK.
15:42What do you think?
15:43I think it's true.
15:44I think we're going to say true.
15:46They all think that it is true, Jason.
15:48You suckers.
15:48Was it true or...?
15:49Because it was, in fact, true.
15:56It's Bob.
15:58Here we go.
16:01Because I drive a lot, I've recently had one of the seats removed from my car and a toilet installed
16:08in its place.
16:11So which seat have you had removed?
16:14The rear passenger seat.
16:17So it's diagonally behind you?
16:19Yes.
16:19As you drive?
16:20Yes.
16:21And what's the flushing situation?
16:23There's no flushing.
16:25It's a bucket.
16:25No.
16:28And...
16:29Never!
16:30No !
16:34No !
16:35No !
16:36No !
16:37I can't go with me straight up.
16:39So...
16:39What are you saying?
16:41Just clarify.
17:01I was quite proud of it because the the particular car I've got as a bench seat
17:07But it splits two-thirds and the last bird when you lift it up there is just a void so
17:13I popped a bucket in the void
17:15The seat is still there if you came in my car you'd be sat on the toilet. You'd have no
17:20idea
17:24The seat is still there at your leisure sir
17:31It's not a bad idea
17:33Hey, and when I go to Middlesbrough, I've got a long journey. I don't like to stop
17:39Surely you have to
17:46You just wait for a long life
17:54It's time for a guess what's your team gonna say David?
17:58I think we think it's probably a lie what they think it's a lie. Was it a lie? Or were
18:03you telling the truth? I was telling
18:12It's Joe
18:15The other day I gave my daughter ten pounds to pass me a bottle of wine from the fridge because
18:21I couldn't be bothered to get up from the kitchen table
18:24I was telling the truth
18:27How far from the fridge are you?
18:31About three meters
18:35And was your daughter in the room as well or did did you text her?
18:40No, she was down on the coast
18:45No, she was in the room and what were you doing in the room?
18:48Just starting to get withdrawal symptoms
18:53What time of day was it breakfast?
18:58No, it was respectable
19:00Respectable for four
19:02So describe the conversation
19:05I said oh, I really fancy a glass of wine
19:08And so my daughter just looks at me like well go and get one you old hag
19:15She's a bit arsey to be honest
19:18I don't know where that came from
19:22She's like my husband
19:24How old is she Joe?
19:26She's 22
19:27Talk us through the payment process. How did you come to the ten pounds?
19:30So we worked our way up we went through kind of three quid then to a fiver and then when
19:35it got to ten pounds
19:37She went and quietly got the wine and that's why I've got a scottish ten-pound note saved
19:45And was it red or white joe uh red
19:49So why was it in the fridge you barbarian?
19:55Yes
19:55You can get chilled red wine
20:01Because I like it that way I keep a white wine in the oven obviously
20:08So what are you thinking then I think you don't keep red wine in the fridge
20:12There is some red wines you chill
20:15Was it barbarian?
20:16Yes
20:17Was it was it that sort of red wine?
20:19I've absolutely no idea
20:23We're gonna go lie
20:24They're saying it's a lie
20:26Was it a lie or were you telling the truth?
20:28It was
20:29A lie
20:30Oh
20:35It's diane
20:38To ensure my strictly dancers go well
20:42I play out the entire performance in the loo before the show
20:48When you say play out the whole performance what does that involve do you do the dance in the loo?
20:55I do everything how could you do the dance while being on the loo?
20:59In the loo or on like the the top of the show like walk out
21:05Wave oh really I go down the stairs yeah that's interesting so it starts for you
21:09And out you come
21:18Yeah that that looks like it takes practice
21:21And then you go up yeah, and then you go down again
21:27And then you're on in ten seconds oh ten nine
21:36One
21:40And then I'll do the dance
21:47So tell me about when you're visualizing your encounter with the judges yeah, so chris is my partner yes, and
21:54i'm like
21:57Why did you imagine lee is your partner
21:59Or lee oh my god that wasn't as good as we thought but it's okay
22:07We can do better next time
22:10Jamelia what are you thinking do you know i actually think this one could be true
22:15The only thing i would just wonder why you'd do it in the loo and also why you wouldn't do
22:20with your partner
22:22Oh good questions
22:27Well in the loo because i can go almost like a demon has kind of come inside of me so
22:32i don't like to show that
22:34off too much
22:36But i didn't really include chris again because
22:40He doesn't believe in it but if he did we know i probably wouldn't have done it in the toilet
22:44with him
22:45but we could have found
22:51David what do you think i think this is true okay they they think it's true diane was it true
22:57or was it a lie it is indeed
23:07Giles oh
23:10i still get royalties for a song i co-wrote that was a big hit in italy in 1987
23:19Lee okay who performed it a very amusing italian entertainer who was called piccolo marina
23:30Is that a man or a woman we could never decide
23:35How did this come about then giles i'm a friend of tim rice yes the lyricist we were out one
23:42evening
23:43and i had difficulty in paying for my share of the meal well hang on hang on in 1987 you
23:50were very
23:51well-known tv personality yeah so why were you struggling to pay for half your dinner
23:55i was going to become a member of parliament and i therefore gave up all my other interests
24:00my income dropped considerably tim said what you need to do is write a hit song
24:06there we are problem solved
24:09did you stand for election yes i i i was elected i was a member of parliament until the people
24:14spoke
24:17by the time i i lost my seat by then i i knew i had contempt for my constituents it
24:22just came
24:23a bit of shock to find the feeling was entirely mutual the point was i was having supper with tim
24:30rice i'd saw the fortune that he had made out of putting a few words together and so i actually
24:38wrote the song it was about pinocchio and the song was called i cannot tell a lie and we were
24:45in venice
24:45michelle and i and we were in a lovely restaurant and she said you know we've been married quite a
24:51while now do you still love me and i said do i still love you i'm pinocchio i cannot tell
24:57a lie
24:57and i began singing the song and she began divorce proceedings
25:03i'm singing the song too loudly michelle's going shh please i'm saying no it's a lovely song
25:09pinocchio i cannot tell a lie i cannot tell a lie oh no i cannot tell a lie then the
25:15chorus comes in
25:16what about your nose what about your nose it grows it grows but i cannot tell a lie i cannot
25:22tell a lie
25:22i am pinocchio it's all right thank you
25:31i have to tell you that is exactly no wait for this mate
25:35i have to tell you i have to tell you that is exactly the reaction we got and somebody came
25:43out from another table and said lovely song i am composer i would like to take your song
25:50and put it on italian television so the bit you sang to us then is that the chorus that is
25:55the
25:55chorus great so why don't you sing us the first verse once upon a time down by the river there
26:03i was
26:04all of a quiver i saw a lovely girl with a beautiful girl in her gorgeous head i thought hey
26:13what's
26:14going to happen i must love her i am pinocchio cannot tell a lie that was the essence of the
26:22song
26:26it is time to take a guess um first of all it's not time to take a guess it's time
26:35to say to giles
26:35okay and the second verse then we went out to a little cafe oh the fun we had that day
26:45we were
26:46a merry to some she and me me pinocchio pinocchio i cannot tell a lie
26:56right so uh first of all tasha what are you thinking is it true never mind what she's thinking
27:03is it true i think it's a banger i like the song it's great but i think it's a lie
27:12can i say how
27:13wrong you are the song was translated into italian so it makes more sense in italian oh it's hilarious
27:18in italian well then bang off there's no great big problem with this isn't there you didn't write
27:22it for an italian audience you wrote it for surprise no of course i'm sorry look look look it doesn't
27:27add on the story does it giles can i say you've been doing this for 19 years but tonight you
27:32are a
27:32busted flash it gets to about number 12 in the italian charts occasionally we go on holiday there
27:43i'm exaggerating slightly now we go on holiday there and i feel i still hear people humming it
27:49do you knock you knock you i cannot do it again don't do it again right it's time to take
27:56a guess
27:57is it true or is it a lie i don't think it's true what do you think i think it's
28:01you think that's true
28:02it has to be he's just very good at that sort of thing but i just know it's a lie
28:08okay so they're
28:09saying it's a lie giles was it a lie or was it in fact true it was a lie
28:19is it that was amazing well that's all we've time for on this special edition of would i lie to
28:28you
28:28thanks very much for watching good night
28:54thank you
28:54you
28:54you
28:54you
28:54you
28:55you
28:55you
Comments