00:07Sì, sì, sì, sì!
00:11Get in there!
00:12Take that me from five minutes ago!
00:17Sending a self-deprecating tweet about how the Cleric Beast will probably kick my ass.
00:24Ahahahahha!
00:25Well, I kicked his ass, and even better, I did it on my first try.
00:30I just must be brilliant at games.
00:33Yeah, either that or I spent the preceding five hours power levelling by killing this guy 112 times in the
00:40back like a massive coward.
00:42Had I gone in at the level you're supposed to be, or if I hadn't studiously watched Dave fighting it,
00:48I'm pretty sure the Cleric Beast would have turned me into a puree of blood vials and fashionable leather.
00:54Which got me thinking about some of the other tricky bosses I fought,
00:57bosses that you're definitely not going to be able to take down on your first go.
01:02Let's kick things off with Phantom from Devil May Cry,
01:06the result of taking two of the scariest things in the world, spiders and lava,
01:11and combining them into a trash-talking difficulty spike of unrelenting sharpness.
01:16Once you learn his naughty attack pattern of hitting you, spitting at you, and turning the floor into an active
01:22volcano,
01:23Phantom isn't that difficult.
01:25He just marks the first instance your combat skills are properly tested,
01:29and will easily catch you off guard if you plan on just standing in front of his face and mashing
01:34the attack button.
01:35It's just one of those mistakes everyone makes the first time, isn't it?
01:38I mean, you fail, you learn, and then you move on, a wiser person.
01:51What do we have here?
01:53I believe the medical term is, no longer has a face.
01:57Oh dear.
01:58Hmm.
01:59Well, how's it happened?
02:01Well, I imagine the cause was...
02:05Coming up against Shao Kahn in Mortal Kombat 9, perhaps?
02:09A boss so rage-quittingly powerful it's highly unlikely you'll beat him on your first, second, third, or even your
02:1620th go.
02:17A boss who likes to smack you with a magic hammer, skewer you with magic javelins,
02:23and who then has the audacity to spend half the fight laughing at your clumsy attempts to nail him with
02:28any type of combo.
02:29The reason you'll definitely lose to Shao Kahn on your first go is because you'll be trying to fight well
02:36using all the dazzling tricks you've spent the entire game trying to master,
02:41when the key to beating him is to fight cheap.
02:44Back him into a corner, spam him with repetitive ranged attacks, make the fight as ugly as Shao Kahn's big
02:51stupid overpowered face.
02:53There we go. Lovely.
02:55Next up, we've got notorious Dark Souls duo, Ornstein and Smough.
03:00What's the problem?
03:03Well, how would you pronounce it then?
03:06Ornstein and Smoog?
03:08Well, that's almost as stupid an idea as whoever came up with you.
03:13However you choose to say it, the fight against Ornstein and Smough, Smough, Smough, Smoog is brutally difficult, even for
03:19Dark Souls.
03:20It's not the first time you'll have been double teamed, it's not the first time you'll have fought enemies ten
03:25times your size,
03:26but what makes this battle so teeth grindingly difficult, especially the first time, is the fact Ornstein and Smough, Smough,
03:33Smough, Smough are so different from one another.
03:36Ornstein is lean and agile, whereas Smough, Smough, Smough, Smough, is lumbering and heavy with slow attacks and a massive
03:46reach.
03:47Another mistake I suspect many of you made was to whittle down their health together.
03:52I'll kill them quickly, one after another goes your hypothetical thought process, your Dark Souls trained mind expecting some kind
04:00of dramatic switch up after the first one bites it.
04:03Well, your Dark Souls trained mind would be right, but not right enough, because whoever's left standing regains full health
04:12and becomes super powered.
04:19Kingdom Hearts was a game tailor-made for geeking out over fan-pleasing cameos, it being a bright mash-up
04:27of characters from storytelling heavyweights Disney and Square Enix.
04:31Ooh, Mickey Mouse, ah, Cloud Strife, and then...
04:41Dave! Dave, come and see this!
04:44Dave!
04:45Oh, for crying out loud!
04:47Dave, great, come and see this, you'll never lose your human heart.
04:51Look, look, look, look!
04:52Yeah, you're dead.
04:53And that's why you'll never beat Sephiroth first time.
04:58You'll be distracted, marvelling at how cool he looks in a game with graphics way better than Final Fantasy VII,
05:04and listening to the amazing remastered version of One Winged Angel.
05:08Also, he's really, really, really, really, really, really, really hard.
05:13Stand too close, get Massamooned in the face.
05:16Stand too far away, he'll do Sin's Harvest and leave you with one hit point.
05:20Thankfully, I've got other ways of beating Sephiroth.
05:28Our next entry isn't a boss fight per se, but I'm putting it in anyway because it meets all the
05:33criteria for this list.
05:35It's surprising and impossible, and hits you right in the hammer-ons like a marauding rogue wave of difficulty.
05:42It is, of course, Through the Fire and Flames by Dragonforce, the hardest song in all of Guitar Hero.
05:49Not even Dave, who's quite good at real-life guitar, could master the finger gymnastics necessary to get through the
05:56song on his first try.
05:57The intro is the toughest bit. It's just endless colours all over the place.
06:02I mean, my tactic was to just strum really, really fast and hope I'd stumble through to the easier bit
06:08later on.
06:09The easier bit, he says. Dave, it's the easy bit now. Come on, you can do it.
06:18Ah, Final Fantasy VII. A game I absolutely bled dry.
06:23Counting all my playthroughs, I must have sunk upwards of 400 hours into Square's masterpiece,
06:28and even then it took me the best part of forever to finally conquer the toughest battle in the game.
06:34Ruby weapon. I licked my level 99 lips when I first saw him poking his little head above the sands
06:40just outside the gold saucer.
06:42I had everyone's ultimate weapon. All the final limit breaks.
06:46The Knights of the Round summon with which you can defeat Sephiroth in one go.
06:50This will be easy.
06:52It wasn't easy.
06:53Firstly, he sucks two random party members into the desert so they're just gone.
06:58You can't even use Phoenix Downs on them.
07:00And then he just stands there, taking zero damage from all your attacks,
07:04and clobbering you round the face with his massive ham fists.
07:08There weren't any online guides back in the cold, dark, Wi-Fi-less days of 1997,
07:13so all I could really do was sit in my bedroom,
07:16firstly crying, and then plotting out the complex materia combinations I'd need to actually beat the bloody thing.
07:23Basically, just make really good use of mime and the lucky sevens trick.
07:28And equip a dodge-friendly misstyle.
07:30And attack his tentacles first.
07:32And pray.
07:33And completing the list of bosses you definitely won't be killing on your first try
07:38is Athean x Conflux.
07:43Sounded a bit more dramatic, couldn't it?
07:45Can you turn the dramatic voice thing on, please?
07:50Okay.
07:51Athean x Conflux!
07:58The final battle of Destiny's Vault of Glass raid is, again, not too difficult
08:03once all six of you know what you're doing at all times.
08:06But when you first go up against him, it's like trying to fight a lion in the dark with a
08:11toothbrush
08:12while the lion teleports you to Venus.
08:15So, half your party are sent to goodness knows where to do goodness knows what,
08:19while the rest of you have to do more goodness knows what
08:21while avoiding the goodness what the hell are those things.
08:24It's all quite daunting.
08:25Figuring it out with five shrieking mates is three quarters of the fun, though.
08:30And when I say figuring it out, I, of course, mean dying eight times before one of you plucks
08:35up the courage to say, should we just read it on the internet?
08:38Okay, let's just read it on the internet.
08:40So there you go.
08:41Seven bosses you're definitely not killing on your first go.
08:45Also, if by some miracle of skill you did manage to do just that, let us know in the comments
08:50and also let us know how you like to pronounce Ornstein and Smuff.
08:53And while you're at it, give us a like and a subscribe, because then I'm allowed to eat.
08:59Thanks.
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