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Have I Got News For You - Season 4 Us - Episode 04: Aaron Parnas, Scott Thompson
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00:36Welcome to Have I Got News For You
00:38I am Roy Wood Jr. in the news this week
00:43How Speaker reacts to shirtless Jacob Lordi in Wuthering Heights
00:47I think that that should give all of us a cause to pause and think hmm I wonder what this
00:54is about
00:54Substitute teacher sees right through your little antics
00:58I see we switched up our seating chart
01:00CDC releases new vaccine guidelines
01:02I'm not scared of a germ you know I used to snort cocaine out for toilet seats
01:08On Amberson tonight he's a journalist
01:10And this year he was chosen as one of Forbes 30 under 30 so I'm hoping he can put in
01:14a good word for me for Forbes 40 over 40
01:22And joining michael he is a legendary canadian actor and comedian who was a co-founder and star of kids
01:30in the hall and we were charged a 6% tariff just to bring them here
01:34Scott Thompson everybody
01:39Now for the biggest stories of the week
01:41Amber, Aaron, please watch the clip and tell me what is this story
01:48This is Pam Bondi testifying about Epstein and she talked and talked and talked and didn't say shit
01:58The story is Pam Bondi in Trump's Department of Justice the DOJ has America saying WTF and it all starts
02:04with a certain PDF file full of PDF files
02:09On Wednesday Attorney General Pam Bondi appeared before the House Judiciary Committee to answer questions about her handling of the
02:18Epstein files
02:19And Bondi was nothing but a professional
02:23No, I'm going to answer the question the way I want to answer the question
02:26No, you're going to answer the question the way I asked it
02:28Chairman Jordan, I'm not going to get in the gutter with these people
02:30You don't tell me anything
02:32No, I did tell you because we saw what you did in the Senate
02:34You're a lawyer, not even a lawyer
02:36I'm talking, I'm talking
02:38Quiet
02:39Don't yell at me
02:40Didn't ask Merrick Garland anything about Epstein
02:42Not once when he was
02:44And also
02:45You got to give Pam Bondi this
02:48She's good at spinning some shit
02:51What you don't get that good overnight
02:53That's hours of like complaining at McDonald's and Home Depot
02:56What I really love is this one woman's facial expression just says it all
03:02Why was Pam Bondi in front of the Judiciary Committee in the first place?
03:07Because the DOJ wouldn't release the Epstein files the way they should have
03:11Redaction, redaction, redaction, that's all you got
03:13Yeah, Congress was granted access to unredacted versions of the Epstein files for the first time
03:19But they hit some roadblocks
03:21Uh, question
03:23What's been standing in the way of Congress gaining full unredacted access to the Epstein files?
03:30First of all, the Department of Justice
03:31And if you want to see them as a Congress person
03:33They've got four computers
03:35Four computers
03:36There's four computers
03:38So, um, it would take many months
03:41To actually have the time
03:44I, you know, I only had a few hours
03:45I think the transparency argument is really kind of a sham
03:49Because it's not really possible
03:50Did you have to wait to get a computer?
03:52Pause
03:54Four computers
03:56Like the library, bitch
03:58Like you just
03:59My library has more than four computers
04:02I gotta be honest
04:03Turns out, Congress can only look at the files between 9am to 6pm on weekdays
04:08And they have to give the DOJ 24 hours notice before they look at them
04:12And only members of Congress are allowed to look at the files and log in and read them
04:17What is the average age of a member of Congress?
04:20It's like 87, 88, something like that
04:22They don't know how to use computers
04:25What is the one thing that's making matters even worse once they've accessed the files?
04:30Is it that they're scratch and sniff?
04:33It's because the DOJ is tracking which members of Congress looked at the files
04:38And they're tracking which files they looked at
04:41We have learned from this photo that the searches that members of Congress are performing
04:46Are apparently being tracked and then read by the Department of Justice by the Attorney General
04:53If you look at the photo from inside Bundy's binder
04:56You can see she literally has a list of everything that Representative Jayapal searched for
05:01One Congress person even clocked what she was doing as it happened
05:06I'd like to see, flip to the Jared Moskowitz section of the binder
05:10I'm interested to see what staff provided on the oppo on me
05:13And because we're in the Olympics, I'm going to give it a grade
05:16I just want to see how good it is
05:18So give me your best one
05:20So first of all, nothing is funny about mocking the Bible and holding up a Trump Bible
05:26I'm not mocking the Bible
05:26That's what you did
05:27You made a joke and I find a fence for that
05:29No, I want it
05:29That's all I have to say to you
05:30I want it from the burn book
05:31Shame
05:31I want it from the burn book, which is the best one
05:33What you got?
05:38Maryland Rep. Jamie Raskin didn't think there was anything fun about Pam's peaking though
05:43It is a violation of the separation of powers for them to essentially be monitoring our computer searches on the
05:51Epstein file
05:52So I think it's outrageous that they would do that
05:56And it's Orwellian and we're going to have some more to say about it soon
06:00I mean, Mike Johnson and his son monitor each other's porn usage
06:05So this seems fine
06:07Bondi continued to blow up throughout her testimony
06:10And what was the most damning moment for A.G. Bondi during this hearing?
06:15When she was finally honest and was like, look, I love to protect pedophiles
06:20It's what I was hired to do and I'm going to do it
06:24And I'm going to fight anyone who says I can't
06:28Do you remember that part?
06:31I do
06:33I must admit, I was flipping between that and the Olympics
06:35So I must have missed
06:36There was a moment where all the survivors, about a dozen of them, stood up
06:40Right? And they all looked at Pam Bondi
06:42And Pam Bondi didn't look at them once
06:44That moment right there, I think, ends her tenure as Attorney General
06:50Points for Aaron
06:53Why would anyone ever expect Pam Bondi to make a stand against assault?
06:58She made a big show right at the beginning of the administration
07:01We're going to get out these files
07:03And she gave them to a bunch of right-wing influencers
07:06And she was making a whole big deal of it
07:08The reason why it's so shocking that Pam Bondi is against defending victims of assault
07:14Is because she said she would in 2014 during this campaign act
07:19Florida ranks third nationally and calls for help for human trafficking
07:24Where young women and children are enslaved and abused
07:28I'll fight to put human trafficking monsters where they belong behind bars
07:33Pam Bondi, our Attorney General
07:38That's our Attorney General, you're booing
07:45I'll put human traffickers behind bars
07:48By bars, I mean little black bars on sheets of paper
07:53Bars are slimming
07:55They are
07:55Yes
07:56That's what they told me when they put me in jail the first time
08:00Here's Pam saying what we should be talking about instead
08:03The Dow is over $50,000
08:06I don't know why you're laughing
08:07You're a great stock trader as I hear Raskin
08:09The Dow is over $50,000 right now
08:13The S&P at almost $7,000
08:17And the NASDAQ smashing records
08:20Americans 401ks and retirement savings are booming
08:25That's what we should be talking about
08:27What does a Dow have to do with anything?
08:29That's what they just asked
08:31Are you kidding?
08:32The stock was at $50,000
08:35The market did fall below $50,000 after she finished testifying
08:39You were at that hearing, right?
08:43I was right outside
08:43They didn't let me in
08:44Did you speak to the survivors?
08:46Yeah
08:46And what can you share about what they said after the hearing?
08:50They're horrified, right?
08:51They're horrified
08:52It's not just Pam Bondi
08:54It's been five administrations
08:55It's been several departments of justice
08:58They just want justice
08:59And instead they get their own witness statements that they told the FBI
09:03And it's all blacked out
09:04They can't even see their own documents
09:06Wow
09:06Right?
09:07So they're horrified
09:08Uh, Bondi wasn't the only Trump administration official to testify about Epstein this week
09:14Commerce Secretary Howard Lutnick answered questions about his relationship with the apex pedophile
09:21Before a congressional committee this week
09:23What did Howard have to say about his association with Epstein?
09:28That it was nothing
09:31Why do you keep talking about it?
09:33Barely, barely knows the guy
09:35Yes
09:36They spent a lot of time together
09:39He is letting it
09:40I did have lunch with him as I was on a boat going across on a family vacation
09:45My wife was with me as were my four children and nannies
09:51I had another couple with they were there as well with their children
09:56And we had lunch on the island
09:59That is true for an hour and we left with all of my children
10:05He knows how bad it is because he felt the need to say that he left with his children
10:12If I if I go to a friend's house for lunch with my kids and I'm telling somebody about it
10:19I then don't say and and my children left too
10:22Who's actually facing consequences for their connections to Epstein and being in the files?
10:29The royal formerly known as Prince that's one of them
10:31Oh that's true
10:32When you say Prince you got to put Andrew right behind that immediately
10:35Right, right
10:36The black people know
10:37No
10:38You don't just
10:39You don't just go formally known as Prince
10:41You're like no
10:44There's a bunch of Brits I feel like who are in a lot of trouble
10:47Oh you got the ambassador Mendelssohn
10:49You got the Sultan from Dubai who has just resigned today
10:52Wait, Sultans can resign?
10:54Well I think his first name is Sultan
10:56Oh okay
10:58That's right baby, get up
11:00Thank you
11:03And then there's Elon Musk
11:05Who's Elon Musk been coming for this week?
11:09It's Steve Bannon
11:09That sounds so right Aaron
11:11I want to trade teammates
11:12Yeah
11:15It is Steve Bannon
11:17Despite being mentioned in the files himself
11:20Elon's been tweeting about human mucinect blob
11:22Steve Bannon
11:24Bannon's all over the files
11:26He and Jeffrey Epstein have a selfie together
11:29And in 2019
11:30The same year Epstein went to jail for the last time
11:33Bannon texted Epstein an offer
11:36To rebuild his image
11:38By producing a documentary about what a great philanthropist he is
11:44Yes, the name of that documentary?
11:46Melania
11:49Now, Pam Bondi might not be interested in what Epstein's victims have to say
11:54But some of those victims sat down with NBC News
11:58Just after the hearing
11:59So there's the crimes of Jeffrey Epstein
12:01And then there's the crimes of the cover-up
12:04And she's part of that continuing cover-up
12:06So she didn't apologize for that
12:08So like, oh, the theater
12:10And I'm like, yes, you're the main character in this
12:12The circus act
12:14Yes
12:15She was a comedian today
12:16Yes
12:17Everyone was laughing at her
12:18Do you believe they did the best they could?
12:24Do they not know that Dow is at 50,000?
12:28Michael and Scott, watch the clip
12:29Tell me, what's the story?
12:31All right, Bitcoin
12:32So that's fake money and fake people
12:37And that's a flag of a...
12:38Puerto Rico?
12:39No, I don't think so, but good guess
12:41Is that the flag of Puerto Rico?
12:42No
12:42Oh, that's Trump's tie
12:43Yes
12:44Okay
12:44So we've got...
12:45Is Bitcoin the same as Doge?
12:49I don't know much about finance
12:50Right
12:51Yeah
12:52Or apparently anything
12:53Not really
12:55This has something to do with Trump's...
12:57AI!
12:58It's AI
12:58All right, we're gonna go with AI
13:01The story is Trump got elected a second time
13:04Looked around at all the people who wanted something from him
13:06And he hit him with that famous line from Jerry Maguire
13:08I didn't shoplift the poody
13:16Supposed to be show me the money
13:19According to the New York Times
13:21Donald Trump has made $1,408,500,000 off of this presidency
13:29Yeah
13:30Question
13:31What has been Trump's biggest money maker since he became president?
13:37Well, it's not the Melania movie
13:39Nope
13:40Is it his Bitcoin?
13:42Yeah
13:43It's crypto
13:44What is that?
13:45Instead of real dollars that are in your pocket
13:49Bitcoin is imaginary money
13:51It's on the internet
13:52You can't really spend it at a lot of places
13:55Nor does it do a lot of stuff
13:57But it is real
14:01I mean, it's all just a bunch of gold bars somewhere, right?
14:04Are we getting into a conversation about financial architecture right now?
14:08Yes
14:09You told me
14:10In Sumerian times
14:11People basically
14:12No
14:13So according to the New York Times since taking office
14:16The Trumps have made at least $867 million through various cryptocurrencies
14:23In 2024, while Trump was between presidencies and on trial for all the crimes and all of that stuff
14:30A lot of banks didn't want to do business with the Trumps
14:33So Don Jr. and Eric went around to all the banks and they started a company called World Liberty Financial
14:40They did that with a friend of theirs, Zach Witkoff
14:43And uh, that's Zach
14:44Seen here celebrating Black History Month
14:48And Eric and Don Jr. basically formed this dollar-pegged stable coin called USD1
14:55We all know what a stable coin is
14:56Of course, Michael, why wouldn't you explain it?
14:59A stable coin is a cryptocurrency
15:03That holds horses
15:05Exactly
15:07The difference between a stable coin and other forms of crypto is that a stable coin is tied to an
15:13actual currency
15:14So it's more likely to hold its value and not see as many peaks and valleys
15:18So Trump's World Liberty Financial essentially gets a cut of every sale involving their coin
15:25And they get a cut of the interest
15:27So here's a fun multiple-choice question
15:30Which nefarious-sounding global player has a huge stake in Trump-run World Liberty Financial?
15:39Secretariat
15:43Is it Sheikh Tanun Ben Zayed Al Nayyan, aka the Spy Sheikh?
15:49Boris Rusnikov, aka the KG Beast?
15:54Or Toshi Yamamoto?
15:57Number one
15:58Oh, number one
16:00No, Trump would never get involved with somebody from the UAE called the Spy Sheik
16:07That would not happen
16:09It was okay because he got involved four days before he took office
16:12So he wasn't president
16:13Oh, well then it's fine
16:15Yeah, how about that?
16:16Oh, I shouldn't be fighting you, we're on the same team
16:20Yeah, it's Sheikh Tanun Ben Zayed Al Nayyan, aka the Spy Sheikh
16:25Seen here right after he took out his last Invisalign trait
16:30He's a member of the royal family of the UAE and oversees a $1.3 trillion empire
16:36Making him one of the most powerful single investors in the world
16:40And here's what went down
16:42Just days before Trump's second inauguration, the journal reports 49%
16:47Nearly half of the Trump family crypto company, World Liberty Financial
16:50Was purchased for $500 million by Sheikh Tanun Ben Zayed Al Nayyan
16:55Sometimes referred to as the Spy Sheikh
16:58The journal reporting the Trump family earned an upfront payment of an estimated $187 million in the deal
17:04With another $31 million reportedly going to the family of Trump's Middle East envoy, Steve Witkoff
17:10Spy Sheikh, invest a bunch of money in the Trump situation
17:14What do you think he got in return for that investment?
17:19AI, AI, a thank you note
17:23Months later the Trump administration approved something the Sheikh and others in the UAE long coveted
17:28The sale of hundreds of thousands of cutting edge American artificial intelligence chips to that country
17:34A move the previous administration blocked
17:36Where the state-of-the-art technology could be sold or smuggled to China
17:40I don't think he's gonna do spy shit with it
17:42No, of course, why would I?
17:44His name is ironic
17:48The $1.4 billion Trump has made off his presidency isn't all from crypto
17:53Uh, he still spent the second term making some of his money the old-fashioned way
17:58My new Trump fragrances are here
18:00I've named them fight fight fight because they represent winning
18:04We all want to be winning
18:06We have to win as a nation
18:08We want to win as a family
18:09Get yourself a bottle and don't forget to grab one for your loved ones too
18:13They'll thank you and they'll even smell good
18:16We'll be right back
18:28Welcome back
18:28It's time for the offender meter
18:30Teams have to tell us who's the offender, what they did, and who they offended
18:34Offender on the screen, please
18:37Who is this offender?
18:38That's the skier from the Olympics who said, uh, hey, you know, I'm not necessarily thrilled with everything that's going
18:46on in the US right now
18:46Right?
18:47Yes, yes
18:48Hess?
18:49Hess is Hunter
18:50Yes, Hunter Hess
18:52Yes, that is Olympic freestyle skier Hunter Hess
18:54Not to be confused with his brother, Gatherer Hess
18:57Um
19:01Hunter offended Senator Rick Scott
19:04Seen here just before outlawing dancing
19:07Um
19:09You remember them zombies and I am legend?
19:12Yes
19:12Yes
19:13Yes
19:13Oh, yeah
19:15Exactly
19:16Hunter offended Rick Scott by speaking out about representing the United States in complicated times
19:22Just listen
19:23It brings up mixed emotions to represent the US right now, I think
19:26Um, it's a little hard, um, there's obviously a lot going on that I'm not the biggest fan of
19:33And I think a lot of people aren't
19:34Just because I'm wearing the flag doesn't mean I represent everything that's going on in the US
19:42Well, you're so busy looking at all that patriotism what y'all missed in that picture was a dude sitting
19:46next to him named Burke Irving
19:48That is such a great broadcaster name
19:51I'm Tim Johnson alongside the fabulous Hall of Famer Burke Irving Burke
19:55We're ready for some exciting football action today
19:57Now, how did Senator Scott respond to that measured statement?
20:03Very calmly
20:05He told him
20:06He told him
20:07The stock market is at $50,000
20:11Here's Rick Scott
20:12Being very offended
20:14Any person who goes to the Olympics to represent the United States and then says they don't want to represent
20:21the United States should be immediately stripped of the Olympic uniform
20:27So that I can inspect their bodies
20:30Yeah
20:32And, uh, Senator Scott wasn't alone
20:34Donald Trump joined into the fray, of course
20:36Uh, Trump called his quote
20:38A real loser
20:39With a capital L
20:40And said it's
20:41Very hard to root for someone like this
20:44Mm-hmm
20:45Yeah, which is also what he said about Rob on traitors
20:48All in all, Americans at the Olympics are struggling with their reputation, uh, just like those at home
20:54But they're certainly not the only ones having a weird time at the Olympics
20:59Uh, does anyone know how the Norwegian biathlete, Sterla Homelagrid, reacted when winning a bronze medal?
21:09I think he's the cheater
21:10What happened with the Norwegian biathlete?
21:12You shout at Aaron
21:13I think he's the cheater, right?
21:15Yeah
21:15But not
21:16He didn't cheat at the sport
21:18So this is what I heard
21:22This man, while he was being interviewed after he had won or lost, who gives a shit?
21:29Because the lady is interviewing him and he's like
21:32Yeah, I did what I could and I cheated on my wife
21:38I'm so sorry
21:39He aired their dirty laundry at the Olympics
21:44Ain't no way she's taking him back
21:46So he gets a bronze medal in the biathlon
21:49And uh, first of course you get the interview
21:52You thank your family and your country and the supporters
21:55And then the reporter simply asked him
21:57How do you feel about winning a bronze medal?
22:01And he said
22:14This is a Wendy's, bro
22:17Maybe he wouldn't have gotten bronze without cheating
22:20I agree
22:21Maybe he should have cheated more
22:23Yes
22:24Hilt is a powerful fuel
22:27It definitely fueled my career
22:29Question to the panel
22:30Should this woman take him back?
22:34No
22:37Amber, you as a women's
22:38Would you take back somebody after a beautiful grand gesture?
22:42This is supposed to be my moment
22:43And I made it about reconciling with you
22:46I might take back someone after cheating
22:49But not after everybody knows
22:52People who don't know us know you fucking around
22:55I don't think he thought that that was the way back into her good graces
23:00I think he was just overwhelmed with guilt
23:01It would be very funny if she goes out tonight
23:04And fuck somebody who won a silver medal
23:12Let's see your offender
23:15Who's this offender?
23:16Uh oh
23:17That's Carney
23:17Oh, that's your leader
23:19Yeah
23:19Oh
23:19I might know something
23:21You know this one?
23:22No, I know who he is
23:23Okay, who is it?
23:24That's Carney
23:25Okay, that's Canadian Prime Minister Mark Carney
23:27Yes
23:27Who did he offend?
23:29Me?
23:32I'll take your points
23:33Oh, Trump!
23:34He offended Trump because
23:35Yes!
23:35At the speech in the WEF, right?
23:38Yes!
23:38He made that beautiful speech
23:39Yeah!
23:40Yes!
23:41One for me!
23:43One for me!
23:44One for me!
23:46One for me!
23:46Yes
23:46That is Canadian Prime Minister Mark Carney
23:50Carney offended Donald Trump by building a bridge between Winter Canada and Detroit, Michigan
23:54And if that doesn't sound offensive, you're not alone
23:57Because Trump's reaction was
23:59Just watch the Fox Business clip
24:01This is the best
24:01A new battle over a bridge crossing between Detroit and Ontario has fueled the mayor of Windsor to call President
24:07Trump, quote, insane
24:09I love this
24:11It's the Gordie Howe bridge, right?
24:13Yes, but Gordie Howe is like one of the few things that I feel like America and Canada can share
24:17upon
24:18He's a Canadian-born hockey player who made his name for himself in Detroit
24:22Question to the panel, what is Donald Trump's problem with this bridge?
24:27This is what I heard
24:29The bridge that's there now, he makes no money off of
24:36And that's why he doesn't like it
24:39Trump claims the United States is being taken advantage of
24:41In Iran on Truth Social Monday, the president said, quote, they own both the Canada and the U.S. side
24:48And of course, they built it with virtually no U.S. supplies
24:53And here's Canadian Prime Minister Mark Carney explaining what he told our president
25:00I explained that Canada paid for the construction of the bridge
25:03That the ownership is shared between the state of Michigan and the government of Canada
25:08And that in the construction of the bridge, obviously there's Canadian steel, Canadian workers
25:12But also U.S. steel, U.S. workers that are involved
25:15I don't believe him
25:17In that same post, what did Trump claim China has planned for Canada?
25:23I know this, tell him
25:24He says that China's gonna cancel the Stanley Cup
25:29Yeah, it's true
25:32They're gonna stop us from playing hockey
25:34That's right
25:35Which is easy for me
25:36Trump said, quote, the first thing China will do is terminate all ice hockey being played in Canada
25:42And permanently eliminate the Stanley Cup
25:45Yeah
25:46He will also eliminate sex scenes from heated rivalry
25:51I don't know what that show is, I just trust the writers
25:56Now, even though Trump's post seems like it came out of book of Canadian Mad Libs
26:01Trump may have an actual reason why he opposes the bridge
26:06Didn't a other bridge builder meet with Trump's commerce secretary a few hours before this rant on Truth Social?
26:14Points
26:16Yeah
26:17It's because a Republican donor owning a competing bridge
26:21Wants to keep making toll money from the bridge that already exists
26:25And they believe the new Gordie Howe bridge will draw some of the toll dollars down
26:29So on Monday, a billionaire named Matthew Moran had a meeting with the secretary of commerce, Howard Lutnik
26:35During the meeting, he allegedly lobbied the administration to oppose the Gordie Howe bridge
26:41And just hours later, wouldn't you know it, it's Truth Social O'clock, baby
26:46But he took 25% terrorists off in the very middle
26:49So as soon as you cross halfway, you fall into the river
26:54That was offend-a-meter, we'll be right back
27:07Welcome back
27:09Let's do like curious
27:12I'll give you three biographical details about a public figure
27:14But only one is true and you have to guess which is the truth
27:17And which are wonderful lies
27:19Time for three facts about New York congressional candidate
27:22And JFK's grandson, Jack Schlossberg
27:26Kinda looks like all the white people from Stranger Things mashed together
27:31Our facts about Jack are
27:33He eats a can of sardines a day
27:35He once got stuck in an escape room overnight
27:37He holds a patent on a musical frisbee called the Frizoobie
27:42Team Michael, which one is the truth?
27:43Damn it, I want it to be Frizoobie so badly
27:46Me too, but I think it's two
27:47You think he got stuck in an escape room?
27:49Yes, I think he's still there
27:52All right, we're going with two
27:53Team Amber
27:54Don't he look like a sardine-eating man?
27:57I think we want to go with one
27:59Jack Schlossberg eats a can of sardines a day
28:05Jack told the New York Times that he eats, quote,
28:07Just about a can of sardines every day
28:10That's the Heathcliff diet
28:12That wasn't it
28:14Now Jack's famous for his flamboyant presence on TikTok
28:18Question, who did Jack say is the most beautiful woman in the world?
28:23Amber Ruffin
28:25According to Jack Schlossberg, this is the most beautiful woman in the world
28:30This one goes out to Usha Vance, the most beautiful woman in the world
28:34Whenever you're ready, I'm here for you
28:36Now she's back in the atmosphere
28:40Drops the Jupiter in her head
28:43This isn't the way, Usha
28:46Was he joking?
28:47Or was he shooting a shot?
28:49Was he trolling?
28:51What was that?
28:51His thoughts are the Young Politico
28:52You're of the TikTok world
28:55He's running for Congress, that's what it was
28:57If only he'd had a Frizoobie to do his singing for him
29:02I mean, but Jack is a very charismatic figure
29:04And to your point, Aaron, he is running for Congress
29:06So you have to have a different approach to social media
29:09Draw attention to yourself
29:10Cause Jack really likes to go off on TikTok
29:14Take a look
29:17Charge!
29:20Are you sure you want to close the border?
29:23Because then you're stuck with me
29:24And my army
29:27My army of little freaks
29:30Wouldn't you like to see him question Pam Bondi?
29:34Yeah, he might be the next representative of New York's 12th Congressional District
29:38Which, by the way, includes this very broadcast studio here in Manhattan
29:42That we're sitting in right now
29:44Does anyone know what big endorsement Jack secured this week?
29:49Nancy Pelosi
29:51Holy sh-
29:53That's my teammate right there!
29:54Nancy Pelosi said in a statement, quote
29:57This moment calls for leaders who understand the stakes
30:00And how to deliver for the people they serve
30:03And if there's one thing Jack Schlossberg knows how to do
30:07Is serve
30:08Hey everybody, don't give up on your shoes
30:10People always told me
30:11Be careful what you do
30:14Don't go around
30:15That's not what your people can do for you
30:17But while you can be in a Walmart, math hut
30:21Time for three facts about Kentucky congressmen
30:23And a man whose skull is 20% too large
30:27James Comer
30:28Our facts about James are
30:30He went to college on a jazz dance scholarship
30:33He was a baby model
30:35He had a pet kangaroo as a child
30:38Which one is the truth?
30:40Look, he got a big head
30:42And that's baby model material
30:45100%
30:46Team Michael
30:47I want to go against type here
30:49Yeah, I'm going to go with jazz dance scholarship
30:51We think he had a jazz dance scholarship
30:53Yes, we do
30:54James Comer was a baby model
30:56What?
30:57As he posted on his Instagram
30:59Comer appeared with his younger brother in a 1975 ad
31:03For youth fashions in Thompson'sville, Kentucky
31:06First off, them two kids look haunted
31:09Them look like the kids should be in the hotel
31:11And then they just be in the hallway
31:12She doesn't like it when you open the door
31:16Got on them polio overalls
31:19James Comer's in the news this week
31:21Because he's the chair of the House Oversight Committee
31:24Which in two weeks will be holding depositions featuring Bill and Hillary Clinton
31:29Seen here in happier times
31:33Panel, what is Bill Clinton suggesting for his Epstein deposition?
31:38He wants a show
31:40He wants a show? Okay
31:41He wants cameras
31:41Bill Clinton says that he wants his Epstein deposition
31:44To be a public hearing
31:46Clinton said last week, quote
31:48Let's stop playing games and do this the right way
31:51In a public hearing where the American people can see for themselves
31:55What this is really about
31:56He also said, quote
31:57I have called for a full release of the Epstein file
32:02Don't say full release when you say Epstein file
32:06Don't say that
32:07This has been Lycurious
32:08What's more after the break?
32:20Welcome back, it's time for Missing Words
32:24Here's your headline
32:25Waymo admits that its autopilot is often blank
32:30Waymo admits that its autopilot is often on autopilot
32:34It's often in Manila
32:35I think that's true
32:38Waymo admits that its autopilot is often just guys from the Philippines
32:42I told you the Philippines
32:43I told you the Philippines
32:44I told you the Philippines
32:44During testimony before Congress last week
32:46Waymo's chief safety officer noted that when the company's robo taxis encounter an unusual situation
32:53They may request real-time input from a remote response agent
32:59Human, please control this thing from way over on the other side of the earth with your PlayStation controller
33:06Question, what did one Waymo in Los Angeles do recently that might count as an unusual situation?
33:14It kidnapped someone and drove them to the Philippines?
33:18In Los Angeles, a Waymo hit a child
33:23In late January, a Waymo in Santa Monica hit a child during a drop-off at a local school
33:28Everybody was okay. Here's the more amazing thing
33:30The local parents truly don't give a shit
33:33I think that those types of incidents are going to happen
33:38Lots of cars have incidents with people in them
33:41Some of them are driven by robots
33:43If it was a regular car, a regular person, they may not have been able to stop
33:47Gotta check her car for teeth in the front bumper
33:50Now, of course, having a robot controlled by a person isn't always a bad thing
33:55Sometimes you have a robot controlled by a person
33:57And you get great videos like this
34:06It's like the robot felt the pain
34:09Here's your headline
34:10Local bar owner forced to eat blank for one month
34:14Fried pickles?
34:15Olives!
34:16Taco Bell
34:17Local bar owner forced to eat Wendy's chili for one month
34:23In January, Larry Shea of Binghamton, New York
34:26Bet that if golfer Scotty Scheffler won the American Express golf tournament
34:31He would eat nothing but Wendy's chili for a month
34:35And wouldn't you know it, who won the tournament?
34:41Scotty Scheffler has done it again
34:44Oh Scotty, what have you done?
34:47Wendy's chili for a month
34:50I think I could do it
34:51I could too
34:52Now, Larry's been a good sport about it so far
34:54Here's Larry with the update halfway through the challenge
34:57Eleven days in, it's taking its toll
34:59Breakfast chili is not something I recommend
35:02I just wish I could have crackers
35:05Oh my lord, I wish I could have crackers
35:07If you would have told me, who does Larry look like?
35:10That's what Larry would look like
35:12Here's your headline
35:14Blank terrorize Wisconsin town
35:17Cheese curds
35:18That's right
35:19My baby said cheese curds
35:21And your baby is wrong
35:23Over here
35:25Chupacabra
35:26My baby said chupacabra
35:29And your baby is wrong
35:35Wait, it's squirrels
35:37Wild turkeys terrorize Wisconsin town
35:41Here's the story
35:43Wild turkeys are attacking people in the Janesville neighborhood
35:46People in the area say the birds are chasing postal workers
35:49Blocking traffic, even going after kids
35:52At first, I love wildlife
35:53The turkeys were cool
35:55You know, they brought, you know, life to the neighborhood
35:57As it's developed, they've become a nuisance
36:01If you didn't know that was about turkeys
36:03And I just showed you that clip
36:05You would guess immigrants are black people
36:07Yeah, you would
36:10You'd go, who is he annoyed by?
36:11You would not guess, well, surely there's turkeys
36:14You'd think Canadians
36:17But to be fair, in that father's defense, these are some very tough turkeys
36:21Laurence Meyer caught this incident on camera
36:24Wild turkeys chasing down a postal worker
36:27Our cameras also caught the flock chasing down a rental truck
36:33And another mail carrier
36:37That's what they created stand your ground laws for right there
36:41That was missing words, more after the break
36:53Welcome back, it's time for Witches Hire
36:55I'll give you two unrelated numbers from the news
36:57You tell me, which is higher?
36:59Now, this is a Valentine's Day weekend, of course
37:02The only holiday where you can go to Walgreens to get candy
37:05And then return to Walgreens later for a pregnancy test
37:11Now, that brings us to the question
37:13Which is higher?
37:15The price of a bouquet of 100 long stem roses from 1-800-Flowers
37:20Or this 5-inch tall Swarovski Crystal Shrek?
37:25Team Amber
37:26I feel like a dozen roses costs $50
37:30On those websites?
37:31Double it
37:32Really?
37:33Yeah
37:33It's about 70 for a dozen
37:35How do you know how much a dozen roses cost?
37:38I've been known...
37:38Are you buying a dozen roses for somebody?
37:41I am not this year
37:41I have been known to apologize
37:47I'm gonna say the bouquet of roses costs $780
37:53Okay
37:54And I think the Shrek costs fucking $1.99
37:57Who wants that thing?
38:00That's Swarovski crystal
38:01It's crystal
38:02Okay, Team Michael, which one do you think is higher?
38:05We think it's the crystal Shrek
38:06We think crystal
38:07We think a little Swarovski Crystal Shrek
38:10All right, the price of a bouquet of 100 long stem roses from 1-800-Flowers is $529.99
38:17The price of a 5-inch tall Swarovski Crystal Shrek is $750
38:23So the price of a crystal Shrek is higher
38:27So crystal Shrek sounds like the name of a stripper
38:32From a questionable strip establishment
38:35If you really want to impress somebody and get them some real crystal
38:39You can spring for the Marvel Avengers display
38:43Which features approximately 63,000 hand-laid crystals
38:49Can anyone guess how much the crystal Avengers?
38:53I want to say close to $10,000
38:54I want to say $7,500
38:55Yeah
38:56$15,000 is what we say and we mean it
38:59Correct
38:59Oh, are you saying it's more expensive than that?
39:02Think of all of the labor
39:03Every one of those little encrusted crystals was laid with little bitty tweezers and a little bit of glue
39:11$27,000
39:12$2,000
39:13Add a zero to our guess
39:14$2,000,000
39:17$2,000,000
39:18$2,000,000
39:18And that's in Doge coin
39:20Yeah, in Doge
39:20We think it's $2,000,000
39:21In Doge, $2,000,000
39:22The Swarovski Crystal Avengers cost $42,000
39:26It's worth it
39:27Look at this picture, ma'am, and tell me that don't look like Chris Evans
39:32Holt looked like he just heard how much this shit costs
39:36Now, your true love doesn't have to, uh, give you crystal to show you that it's real
39:40They'll appreciate the little things
39:42Like, uh, this 10-karat gold Shrek pendant covered
39:45Covered in cubic zirconia for $2,428.75
39:52It kind of looked like James Comer with the gold challenge
39:55That was Witches Hire, we'll be right back
40:06Time for a game called
40:08Who That Baby?
40:09I'll show you a famous person's baby picture
40:12Tell me
40:13Who That Baby?
40:14Here are your clues
40:15They attended Santa Monica High School
40:18Oh, no
40:19They are married to a podcaster
40:20They're an architect of the Trump administration's family separation policy
40:24You're telling me that's what he looked like before he went bald?
40:27You know who it is
40:28Who That Baby?
40:30Stephen Miller
40:31Yes, indeed
40:32Homeland Security Advisor
40:33Stephen Miller
40:35Stephen Miller has, of course, devoted a lot of his time to kicking people out of the United States
40:41But he also spends a lot of time thinking about space
40:44Does anyone know what science fiction series the Homeland Security Advisor grew up a fan of?
40:51What science fiction show was about Nazis?
40:55Battlestar Galactica
40:57Battlestar?
40:57Star Trek Next Generation
40:59Stephen Miller is a lifelong Trekkie
41:02And according to a classmate in the Vanity Fair profile, Miller, quote, really liked this kind of macho alpha male
41:09thing that was going on with Captain Kirk
41:11There's even a photo of Stephen as a young man wearing a Starfleet uniform
41:16There he is getting ready to go to prom
41:19That was Who's That Baby?
41:21That was Who's That Baby?
41:21I want to thank our guests Aaron Parnas and Scott Thompson
41:23And, of course, team captains Amber Ruffin and Michael Ian Black
41:28Before we sign off, here are a few more stories we're watching
41:33A man realizes the guy he was making fun of is right behind him
41:41Rising gas prices force co-workers to commute together
41:48I'm Roy Wood Jr. and I'll see you next week for another episode of How I Got News For You
41:51And don't forget to delete your Epson files from your browser history
41:57Good night
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