- il y a 3 heures
Watch Watch Mars (2026) full movie online in HD. An exciting sci-fi adventure exploring Mars, space exploration, and the challenges of humanity’s first mission to the Red Planet. Available in VF & VOSTFR with fast streaming and high-quality video.
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00:07:48Tout est plus fort.
00:07:50Très, mais vous allez toujours être fat.
00:07:54Je m'en suis pas, il y a une question ?
00:07:56Il y a un gars dans le bâtiment,
00:07:59et il est malheureux.
00:08:06Hey, j'ai dû dormir.
00:08:08Je suis désolé que vous avez un jour très bien.
00:08:11J'ai une bonne journée et relaxe.
00:08:14Nous pouvons parler de choses en la matinée.
00:08:16C'est bon, Candice.
00:08:20Ah!
00:08:20Je me suis pas, je me suis désolé.
00:08:22Je ne vais pas parler de choses en la matinée.
00:08:24Nous allons parler de choses en la matinée.
00:08:26Oh, non !
00:08:27Pourquoi vous dites, oh, non ?
00:08:30Non, non, non, non, non.
00:08:31Je ne veux pas, non.
00:08:32Je ne veux pas, je ne veux pas.
00:08:35Je suis désolé.
00:08:37Avec la bête de venir, je suis juste sous un peu de pression.
00:08:40C'est bon, c'est bon.
00:08:42C'est bon.
00:08:43Je suis désolé.
00:08:44Je suis désolé.
00:08:46Je suis désolé.
00:08:49Je suis désolé.
00:08:50Si quelqu'un a un homme aimé à moi,
00:08:53et votre mère et dad,
00:08:55et vous avez une personne à sauve,
00:08:58vous avez eu ?
00:08:59Je suis désolé.
00:09:01Si nous avons un bébé et la goutte,
00:09:03et la goutte était à la goutte,
00:09:05ou la goutte,
00:09:06qui vous sauve ?
00:09:07Candice, je ne sais pas faire ces hypothétiques.
00:09:09Qui vous sauve ?
00:09:10Je vous sauve,
00:09:11je vous sauve et sauve les deux.
00:09:14Non !
00:09:15Si vous avez un seul !
00:09:16Je pense que je vous sauve...
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00:10:28Anyway, as you can see, with all this shit, I was just like, fuck earth.
00:10:33Whoopsie, none of that was bleeped, sorry about that.
00:10:36The second contestant announced today is Peggy Bork, and what a story she has.
00:10:42Four years ago in a sleepy town in Missouri, neighbors responded to a terrible smell
00:10:46and found the decomposing bodies of Harold and Margaret Bork.
00:10:50Locked in their secret basement was their 24-year-old daughter Peggy.
00:10:54Peggy had been shut off from the world since birth.
00:10:56For the last four years, Peggy has had to acclimate to the real world.
00:11:01Car!
00:11:02No, Peggy!
00:11:03But now Peggy's world is about to get even bigger.
00:11:06I spent so much of my life trapped in the same place that sometimes I didn't even feel alive.
00:11:13You and me both, Peggy.
00:11:14Ever since I've been free, I'm determined to see everything this planet has to offer.
00:11:20That's why I'm going to Mars!
00:11:24Fascinating story.
00:11:25And I believe there's only one more seat available for the Mars voyage.
00:11:29That's right.
00:11:29The raffle ends tomorrow at midnight, so get those submissions in, people.
00:11:33The spaceship blasts off July 12th.
00:11:44My name is Kyle Capshaw, and I need to go to Mars.
00:11:59This is it, man.
00:12:01Your last night of freedom.
00:12:02How do you feel?
00:12:04Why did you take me here?
00:12:05Candace said that we couldn't have your bachelor party at a strip club.
00:12:08But she didn't say we couldn't have it at a male strip club.
00:12:13She said strip clubs.
00:12:15What are you looking at your phone so much for anyway?
00:12:18What, what, do you see guys like this every day?
00:12:20They're about to announce the last passenger for that Mars thing.
00:12:24Why do you care?
00:12:25It's not like you signed up for it.
00:12:26Yeah, no, no, no, no, I just, uh, you know, I, I, I don't know.
00:12:30Ooh, you did.
00:12:33You're getting married in three weeks.
00:12:35How are you going to go to Mars?
00:12:36What were you thinking?
00:12:37I don't know.
00:12:37What, would you just bail on the wedding?
00:12:40No.
00:12:40Dude, Candace would fucking kill you if she found out you even applied to that.
00:12:44She didn't even want you to go to female strip clubs.
00:12:47But we found a loophole, huh?
00:12:49Well, this isn't really a loophole.
00:12:50I mean, we're still technically disobeying her.
00:12:53It's just less enjoyable.
00:12:55For me.
00:12:56Oh, oh, yeah, yeah, me too.
00:12:58Ooh, look, the strippers are doing that thing where they dip their dicks in everybody's mouth for like a second.
00:13:03Let me ask you, do you think it's rude to not participate?
00:13:07Go knock yourself out, cooter.
00:13:10Uh, what, what, what is that?
00:13:12It's a hair scrunchie.
00:13:13Why?
00:13:14So they can see your eyes.
00:13:18Okay, this is the moment we've all been waiting for.
00:13:22Drum roll, please.
00:13:24And the final passenger on the first ever manned mission to planet Mars is...
00:13:30Please, God, please, God, please, God, come on.
00:13:34Marty Wagner.
00:13:38Marty, you just heard the good news.
00:13:40How excited are you?
00:13:41I didn't sign up.
00:13:42My friend is always playing jokes on me.
00:13:44I thought I was signing a petition to get the trash trucks to come on the weekends.
00:13:48Uh-oh.
00:13:49Well, he got you pretty good this time.
00:13:51Because you're going to Mars.
00:13:53Oh, oh, please, don't make me go.
00:13:55I'm horribly agoraphobic.
00:13:57I can't even leave the house.
00:13:59The idea of traveling down the street terrifies me.
00:14:01You can't make me go to Mars.
00:14:03Oh, yes, we can.
00:14:04No!
00:14:06Some people are just boring, Lucky, I guess.
00:14:08Kyle, Kyle, can we borrow $50?
00:14:10What?
00:14:11No, you can't borrow $50.
00:14:13Who are all these twinks?
00:14:14I met them in the dick line.
00:14:15This one knows where we can get crystal meth.
00:14:18You want in?
00:14:18No, I'm not going to lend you $50 to go do meth with twinks.
00:14:22That's okay.
00:14:23We're no ways to get $50.
00:14:25You know what?
00:14:25I think I'm just going to call it a night.
00:14:27But thank you for the bachelor party.
00:14:31All right, you're lost, man.
00:14:52You've got to be fucking kidding me.
00:14:54Oh, what's wrong?
00:14:55Oh, what happened?
00:14:56You're still asleep on our wedding day.
00:14:58Did the alarm not go off?
00:14:59I mean, I said it.
00:15:02Candace, it's only 7 a.m.
00:15:05I always dreamed that my future husband would be so excited to marry me
00:15:10that he wouldn't even be able to sleep the night before the wedding.
00:15:13And you slept fine!
00:15:15I'm sorry, I slept okay.
00:15:18I'm going to take a shower.
00:15:19When I get out, you better be dressed and ready to take me over to the girls.
00:15:23Okay, yeah.
00:15:24Sorry again.
00:15:26Okay, so when it's our anniversary, don't sleep the night before.
00:15:31Okay.
00:15:34Incredible late-breaking announcement.
00:15:36Marty Wagner, one of the last passengers chosen for the maiden mission,
00:15:39committed suicide this morning.
00:15:42What?
00:15:42Now, we have some very cool footage of the suicide that we are about to show,
00:15:46but we must warn you that it is pretty graphic.
00:15:49I don't want to do this.
00:15:51I love my life.
00:15:52I have children.
00:15:53But I just really can't handle the idea of going to Mars.
00:15:57Please don't make me go.
00:15:59You have to.
00:16:00No!
00:16:07Ah, so cool.
00:16:09I could seriously, I could watch stuff like that all day.
00:16:11Now, since they only have hours until takeoff this morning,
00:16:14the Mars Enterprises team held a random drawing of local submissions only.
00:16:18Holy shit.
00:16:20And once again, the winner chosen was one Kyle Capshaw.
00:16:24Holy shit!
00:16:25Our news bands are on their way to Mr. Capshaw's house as we speak to give them the good news.
00:16:29Holy shit!
00:16:31I'm coming out of the shower!
00:16:35Kyle Capshaw!
00:16:36Ah!
00:16:37You've been selected to go to Mars.
00:16:39How do you feel?
00:16:40You have to leave.
00:16:41No, you have to leave.
00:16:43To Mars!
00:16:43Listen to me.
00:16:44My fiancé doesn't know that I entered the contest.
00:16:47We are supposed to get married today.
00:16:49Please do not put this on television.
00:16:50How bad do you think she's gonna be?
00:16:52One to ten!
00:16:56Oh, Candace!
00:16:57You son of a bitch!
00:16:58Baby, I'm sorry.
00:16:59The chair must have fallen against the door.
00:17:02It was an accident.
00:17:04It was?
00:17:05Totally.
00:17:06Yeah, totally.
00:17:07Now, baby, precious lamb,
00:17:09I need to ask you to do something very important.
00:17:12What?
00:17:13You know how I'm incredibly superstitious?
00:17:15No, you're not!
00:17:16Yes, I am.
00:17:17Yes, I am.
00:17:18And superstition dictates that we cannot see each other on the day of the wedding.
00:17:22Then how are you supposed to drive me to Carol's house to get my fucking makeup done?
00:17:31He's running away!
00:17:32Get him!
00:17:32Are you driving crazy?
00:17:34It feels like you're driving crazy.
00:17:36No, no, I'm driving perfectly normal.
00:17:38Slow down, asshole!
00:17:40Thanks for joining us here at the Mars Enterprises launch site.
00:17:43Behind me, you can see the shuttle being prepared for its maiden voyage, which will commence in just a few
00:17:49short hours.
00:17:49Five lucky individuals will be traveling to the Red Planet this evening.
00:17:54And the captain of the ship is none other than Mars Enterprises' CEO, Sir L. Ron Branson.
00:18:00Now, not many people know this, but besides being a billionaire philanthropist, L. Ron Branson is also a former Air
00:18:07Force test pilot
00:18:08who will be looking after the tourists and making sure they have a safe and fun journey.
00:18:12He's a pilot, an EMT, a gourmet chef, and was voted People Magazine's Sexiest Man Alive three years in a
00:18:19row.
00:18:19And the final passenger on the Mars One's maiden voyage is pediatric dentist Kyle Capshaw.
00:18:26And they are all white. Every single one of them.
00:18:31White as the pure driven snow, zero diversity among this crew.
00:18:35Huh, that's awkward.
00:18:38Not just in time. We're here. Okay, Carol's house.
00:18:41You have to be dressed and at the chapel by 12 o'clock. Got that?
00:18:46Got it.
00:18:46Now give me a kiss.
00:18:48Mwah.
00:18:55Come on, Cooter. You better fucking pick up.
00:19:00Hello? Hello? Hey, Kyle. What's up? What's up? What's going on, man? What's up?
00:19:02Cooter, where the hell have you been for the last two weeks?
00:19:05Oh, just been really busy doing work. Lots of work stuff. Just working on a lot of work.
00:19:08Well, I got a huge problem, man. The wedding is today.
00:19:11I know that. I know that, man. I'm on my way there right now.
00:19:14Twinks, the wedding is today. Get your tuxes on.
00:19:16Cooter, listen to me. I need your help, okay?
00:19:18I got accepted into the Mars program.
00:19:23Are you thinking about going?
00:19:24I don't know. I haven't had a chance to think.
00:19:26I've got Candace yelling at me. I've got TV reporters following my every move.
00:19:29Are you on TV, man? That's awesome.
00:19:31Cooter, it's not awesome.
00:19:32I don't know what to do.
00:19:33I mean, this Mars thing, I'd only be gone for like a month and a half, but if I leave
00:19:37on the day of our wedding without telling Candace, I'm basically throwing the whole relationship away.
00:19:42Maybe I have cold feet about the wedding and this is some sort of reaction to that. I don't know
00:19:46what's going on with me.
00:19:48Dude, say no more. Sounds like you need some time to figure this all out. I'm going to drive down
00:19:51to that launch pad and stall that fucking spaceship for you, dude.
00:19:54Twinks, get the gun out of the trunk.
00:19:56Cooter, you can't stall a spaceship. That's insane.
00:19:58Ah, you're right. That's insane. I can't stall a spaceship. They're made of metal. All the meth in the world
00:20:03couldn't stall a spaceship.
00:20:04What?
00:20:04I'll stall the wedding instead. Heading to the church car. I got you, buddy. Twinks, to the car.
00:20:29Hello, Sandy. What do you think we should do?
00:20:33Oh, don't be like that. I'm sorry that you have to live in the glove compartment. She thinks I've thrown
00:20:40you out.
00:20:41Boy, I really could use your cool, level head right now. I've gotten us into a real mess.
00:20:48You're getting this, right?
00:20:50Oh, yeah.
00:20:51We're getting a goddamn pay raise. I mean, what would you do?
00:20:58Oh, come on. We don't have time for that.
00:21:00What? Besides, you said last time was the last time.
00:21:07Okay, let me just make sure no one's looking.
00:21:11Oh.
00:21:12Nope, didn't see us.
00:21:15Well, the coast is clear, but this is the last time, okay?
00:21:19After today, I'm a married man.
00:21:26Now, tell me.
00:21:30Thank you for coming. Here's a VHS of Father of the Bride.
00:21:34Thank you for coming. Here's a VHS of Father of the Bride.
00:21:39Cooter, how are you?
00:21:41Cool it, Mr. S.
00:21:42Everybody listen up. I have an announcement from the groom himself.
00:21:50First of all, no TVs. That's right.
00:21:54Oh, Cooter, there's a scene I wanted to show everyone.
00:21:57Secondly, everyone hand in their cell phones, grooms, orders.
00:22:01Kyle has prepared a big surprise for everyone,
00:22:04but it's on live television right now,
00:22:07so nobody watch the news
00:22:09or check your phones in case someone you know is watching the news.
00:22:14I saw the news this morning.
00:22:15They're looking for Kyle because he's supposed...
00:22:18Get the hell out of this wedding!
00:22:20Cooter, explain what's happening right now.
00:22:22Now, shut the fuck up!
00:22:27I don't know, Sandy.
00:22:28I mean, of course I want to go to Mars.
00:22:30I want to have adventure in my life.
00:22:32But I made a commitment to her.
00:22:36No, don't say that. She's a good person.
00:22:39And who knows, maybe getting married will help fix the relationship.
00:22:42I mean, the point is,
00:22:44it would completely devastate her if I left her at the altar.
00:22:47I mean, isn't that what being a real man is?
00:22:50Huh? Putting the feelings of others before yourself?
00:22:54You know what?
00:22:56I'm sorry, Sandy,
00:22:57but I think I've made a decision.
00:23:00I'm getting married.
00:23:10Where in the holy fuck are you?
00:23:13Don't worry, honey.
00:23:14I'm on my way.
00:23:15Well, on my way isn't here.
00:23:17If you don't walk through that door in seconds,
00:23:19I'm going to fill Hartman your ass.
00:23:23Actually, you know what?
00:23:25I've just run into some pretty bad traffic on I-25.
00:23:29Fuck you, pussy!
00:23:30You get through that traffic and get here to marry me!
00:23:33Yeah, and you're, uh...
00:23:34Yeah, you're breaking up.
00:23:36It's really hard to hear you right now.
00:23:37I'm going to fuckin' Lawrence.
00:23:42We are now going live to the arrival of the final passenger.
00:23:45Mr. Capshaw, just in time.
00:23:47Follow me.
00:23:48Now we're getting down to the wire here,
00:23:50so I'm going to have to get you to sign and walk.
00:23:51This first one is a standard release form for the cameras
00:23:54and any promotional material we would use your likeness for.
00:23:56Okay.
00:23:58This one absolves our company from any liability
00:24:00in case of spontaneous incineration.
00:24:02Incineration?
00:24:03Uh, how often do these explode?
00:24:06We don't know yet, maiden voyage and all.
00:24:08Right, yeah, okay, that makes sense.
00:24:10This next one absolves our company from all liability
00:24:13in the event you suffer a mental breakdown.
00:24:14Oh, does that happen a lot?
00:24:16Sometimes, people go space crazy.
00:24:19Jeez, okay, well, hope that doesn't happen to me.
00:24:22And this last one absolves our company from any liability
00:24:24in case one of the other passengers goes space crazy
00:24:27and shoots you or something.
00:24:28Are there guns on the spaceship?
00:24:29You know, I don't know the answer to that,
00:24:30but I would be happy to look into it for you.
00:24:32Oh, thank you so much.
00:24:33That would be great.
00:24:34But I am going to need you to sign real quick.
00:24:36No, sure, right.
00:24:38And then Steve Martin gets this little tear in his eye.
00:24:42He's looking at his daughter,
00:24:43but all he can see is his little girl.
00:24:47Oh, goddammit, Cooter.
00:24:48Why can't we watch the television?
00:24:50Come on, you're doing good, Mr. S.
00:24:53Cooter, where is he?
00:24:55He's on TV, nobody watch it.
00:24:57Hey, everybody, I found another TV in the banquet room.
00:25:01We could just power this thing up and...
00:25:04Cooter, crossing the line.
00:25:06What is wrong with him?
00:25:07Oh, my god, he's bleeding.
00:25:09Somebody call 911.
00:25:11It's too late.
00:25:13Cooter, this man is...
00:25:14Look, everybody, Kyle's on TV.
00:25:17There he goes, Kyle Capshaw,
00:25:18the last passenger onto the shuttle,
00:25:20about to leave everyone on Earth for Mars.
00:25:24What?
00:25:24Yeah, he's not getting married at all today.
00:25:27He's going to Mars.
00:25:37Hello, straggler.
00:25:38I'm L. Ron Branson.
00:25:40Welcome aboard.
00:25:44Pick up.
00:25:45Pick up.
00:25:46You better pick up.
00:25:49Oh!
00:25:51Oh!
00:25:52Oh!
00:25:53Oh!
00:25:53And we are approaching liftoff.
00:25:56Ten.
00:25:57Nine.
00:25:58Eight.
00:25:59Seven.
00:26:00Six.
00:26:02Five.
00:26:03Four.
00:26:05Two.
00:26:07One.
00:26:08Liftoff!
00:26:27Okay, artificial gravity has set in.
00:26:29Listen up, my fellow astronauts.
00:26:32Oh!
00:26:33First things first.
00:26:35When I call your name,
00:26:36come on up,
00:26:36get yourself a name tag,
00:26:38and tell us a little about yourself.
00:26:39What you did on Earth,
00:26:40and what you want to get out of this trip.
00:26:43Todd Sullivan.
00:26:47My name's Todd.
00:26:48I think it's stupid
00:26:49that we all have to stand up here
00:26:50and introduce ourselves,
00:26:52and, uh, fuck name tags.
00:26:53Oh, okay.
00:26:55Well, we don't have to wear them, I guess.
00:26:57But I did stay up all night
00:26:59making everyone individual drawings.
00:27:03Oh, okay.
00:27:04Well, I guess we can just
00:27:06eat cocktail shrimp
00:27:06and play debt games.
00:27:08Okay, Wimmy,
00:27:09did your serve make it over the net?
00:27:11Uh, yeah.
00:27:13Okay, Kyle,
00:27:14now you take a card.
00:27:15Did you return his volley?
00:27:16It says, yeah.
00:27:18Oh, good.
00:27:19Okay, Wimmy,
00:27:19take another card.
00:27:20Did you return the volley?
00:27:22It says I missed.
00:27:23Oh, match point.
00:27:25Kyle,
00:27:26you get a reward card.
00:27:28Now, would you like surprise now
00:27:30or surprise later?
00:27:31Uh,
00:27:32I will take surprise later.
00:27:34You know,
00:27:35the commercials made future tennis
00:27:36seem a lot more future-y.
00:27:39And Tennessee.
00:27:40Did you make this game, Elrond?
00:27:42Well, if you guys are not feeling it,
00:27:44we could play future badminton,
00:27:46future high-lie,
00:27:47or future darts.
00:27:48Uh, you know, I'm good.
00:27:50I'm gonna go mingle.
00:27:56Hey, Peggy, right?
00:27:57Yes!
00:27:59You know,
00:27:59I don't want to be super negative
00:28:00right out the gate,
00:28:01but doesn't all of this
00:28:02seem a little less cool
00:28:03than they made it out to be?
00:28:05I mean,
00:28:05I sacrificed quite a lot
00:28:07to be here.
00:28:08Oh.
00:28:09What did you sacrifice?
00:28:11Well,
00:28:11I mean,
00:28:13I was actually supposed
00:28:15to get married today.
00:28:16Wow!
00:28:17Yeah,
00:28:17but I mean,
00:28:18we all have families
00:28:19and friends back on Earth
00:28:20that we just picked up
00:28:21and left for a month.
00:28:22Your friends will still be there
00:28:23for you when you get back?
00:28:25I don't know about that.
00:28:26Sure they will!
00:28:28I just told my friends,
00:28:29gang,
00:28:30I'll be back in a month!
00:28:31And then I left them
00:28:3220 bowls of food
00:28:33and I filled the bathtub
00:28:35with milk.
00:28:36What?
00:28:37They're drinking!
00:28:38I'm gonna assume
00:28:39that you're talking
00:28:40about cats here.
00:28:41You just left them
00:28:41with a bathtub
00:28:42filled with milk?
00:28:44Precisely!
00:28:45Peggy,
00:28:45it's June.
00:28:47That milk is gonna go bad
00:28:48in like a day or two.
00:28:50What do you mean?
00:28:51Well,
00:28:52I mean,
00:28:52that's all you left
00:28:53for your cats to drink.
00:28:55Yeah?
00:28:56What do you mean?
00:28:57Well,
00:28:57what's gonna happen
00:28:58after the bathtub milk turns
00:28:59and they've got
00:28:59three and a half weeks
00:29:00with nothing to drink?
00:29:02What do you mean?
00:29:04Nothing.
00:29:05I...
00:29:05I don't mean anything.
00:29:07Anyway,
00:29:08like I said,
00:29:09your loved ones
00:29:10will be there
00:29:10waiting for you
00:29:11when you get back!
00:29:13Okay, friends,
00:29:15listen up.
00:29:16Loser!
00:29:17Okay,
00:29:18I'm just going to pretend
00:29:19I didn't hear that.
00:29:22Loser!
00:29:24The time has come
00:29:25for us to go
00:29:26into stasis.
00:29:27Now,
00:29:28this will be
00:29:28a chemical sleep
00:29:29that will make
00:29:29the next two weeks
00:29:30of travel
00:29:30feel like a
00:29:31two-hour cat nap.
00:29:32Woo!
00:29:33He said cats!
00:29:34Uh,
00:29:34is this gonna be
00:29:35like a shot
00:29:36or something?
00:29:36No,
00:29:37we will each be taking
00:29:38500 easy-to-swallow pills.
00:29:40Did you say 500?
00:29:41500?
00:29:43500?
00:29:48Do we get some more water?
00:29:50Uh, no.
00:29:54Oh, God.
00:30:07I slept on my arm weird.
00:30:09Oh, God.
00:30:11Does the aerobed
00:30:12have to flate it?
00:30:12Ah, my neck!
00:30:15Elrond,
00:30:15I'm having a little trouble
00:30:17moving my neck.
00:30:18How did I get over here?
00:30:19Well, after you guys
00:30:20took all those Ambien...
00:30:22What?
00:30:23Ambien?
00:30:23We took...
00:30:24We took 500 Ambien?
00:30:26Ha-ha.
00:30:26Pretty cool.
00:30:27Right, Todd?
00:30:28That's what stasis is?
00:30:29Isn't that how
00:30:30Lil Peep died?
00:30:31Oh, good.
00:30:32Oh, wait.
00:30:33Oh, okay.
00:30:34You're just all
00:30:34gonna take them off?
00:30:35Okay.
00:30:36Oh, hey.
00:30:36Did you guys...
00:30:37Did you guys notice
00:30:38my sign?
00:30:39It says,
00:30:40Welcome to Mars!
00:30:41A place for friends.
00:30:43Oh, that's...
00:30:44Yeah.
00:30:44That's cool, man.
00:30:46As you can see,
00:30:47I drew each one of us.
00:30:48Took me most of the
00:30:49two weeks here.
00:30:49Todd, what do you think?
00:30:50Uh, it sucks.
00:30:52It's stupid.
00:30:53You're stupid.
00:30:53You suck.
00:30:54Ha-ha.
00:30:56Ha-ha-ha.
00:30:56Come on, Todd.
00:30:58Oh, here we go.
00:31:00Ladies and gentlemen,
00:31:01in a few moments,
00:31:02the airlock door will open
00:31:04and in front of
00:31:05the watching world,
00:31:06we will become
00:31:06the first people
00:31:08to step from this ship
00:31:09and see Mars
00:31:11with our own eyes.
00:31:19Oh!
00:31:20This is incredible.
00:31:29Gather around,
00:31:30gather around.
00:31:31Just want to lay down
00:31:32some ground rules
00:31:33for my fellow Martians.
00:31:35Woo!
00:31:37Thank you, Jesus.
00:31:38The first and most important rule is
00:31:40have fun.
00:31:42Have fun up here, guys.
00:31:43This is your vacation.
00:31:45Mars is for fun.
00:31:47The second rule is
00:31:48do not touch the airlock
00:31:49because it will kill you.
00:31:50Now, down that corridor
00:31:51are the sleeping pods.
00:31:52Go claim a room
00:31:53and be back here
00:31:54for our first Martian lunch
00:31:55at 1,400.
00:31:59Well, hello, Kyle.
00:32:01Oh, hey, Wimmy.
00:32:02I see that you were
00:32:03praying again.
00:32:04A lot of prayer with you.
00:32:06All right.
00:32:06So, uh...
00:32:07So what's your story?
00:32:09Well, I'm a faithful husband
00:32:10with a wife
00:32:11who is quite a beauty
00:32:12on the inside,
00:32:13a proud father
00:32:13to five angelic children,
00:32:15I have type 2 diabetes,
00:32:16and I don't believe
00:32:17in dinosaurs.
00:32:18What about you?
00:32:19Uh, I'm a dentist,
00:32:21which is cool.
00:32:22Actually, no, it's not.
00:32:24Little kids hate me.
00:32:25And, uh,
00:32:25I do believe in dinosaurs.
00:32:28Well, we'll work on that.
00:32:30That's why I'm here.
00:32:31I'm a missionary of sorts.
00:32:32I'm going to turn Mars
00:32:33into the first
00:32:34completely Christian planet.
00:32:36Okay, but there
00:32:37aren't any people on Mars.
00:32:39Aren't there?
00:32:41Oh, no.
00:32:44Bon appetit.
00:32:45Whoa!
00:32:47Elrond.
00:32:48Did you make
00:32:49all this yourself?
00:32:50I had a little help
00:32:51from my good friend,
00:32:52murdered midwestern
00:32:53homosexual teenager.
00:32:56One more time, Elrond?
00:32:57I said this meal
00:32:59was actually prepared
00:33:00by one murdered
00:33:01midwestern
00:33:02homosexual teenager.
00:33:05It's an acronym.
00:33:06Its technical name
00:33:07is Mechanical
00:33:08Ultra Responsive
00:33:09Dietary Electronic
00:33:10Robotic Energized
00:33:11Delivery Meal
00:33:12Interface
00:33:12Dietary Wellness
00:33:13Efficiency System
00:33:14Tactile Edible
00:33:15Responsorous Nutrition
00:33:16Home or Mobile
00:33:17Omnivorous Sustenance
00:33:18Expeditious
00:33:18Xeno Culinary
00:33:19User Aligned
00:33:20Lunch Tool Enabled
00:33:21Eating Nourishment
00:33:22Aging Gastronomical
00:33:23Electronic Robot.
00:33:24What?
00:33:25But that's a little bit
00:33:26of a mouthful,
00:33:27so we call it
00:33:27the Murdered Midwestern
00:33:28Homosexual Teenager
00:33:29for short.
00:33:30That's really weird
00:33:32and offensive.
00:33:33I think that happened.
00:33:34This is a one-of-a-kind
00:33:35prototype,
00:33:36but in a few years,
00:33:37Lord willing,
00:33:37every town from Chicago
00:33:39to New Orleans
00:33:39will have its own
00:33:40Murdered Midwestern
00:33:41Homosexual Teenager.
00:33:43Gotta fix that acronym.
00:33:44Yeah, some of those words
00:33:45seemed unnecessary.
00:33:47You said robotic twice.
00:33:48Hey, I didn't name it.
00:33:49Take it up with the good people
00:33:50at the Holocaust
00:33:51was greatly exaggerated.
00:33:53I'm sorry, what?
00:33:54It's a company.
00:33:55It stands for
00:33:55Technological Human Electronics.
00:33:57Okay, okay, so
00:33:57how does this thing work?
00:33:59It's basically like
00:34:00a 3D printer for food.
00:34:01You just say whatever
00:34:02you want it to make
00:34:03and it...
00:34:04Jaeger.
00:34:07Rad.
00:34:08You got to hit that shit
00:34:10when the DJ's on.
00:34:12Yeah, baby,
00:34:12wear my suit's pajama
00:34:14when the food is wrong.
00:34:15You got to hit that shit
00:34:17when they play your song.
00:34:19You gotcha, you gotcha,
00:34:21you gotcha,
00:34:22run, yeah.
00:34:23Oh, yeah.
00:34:29Oh, yeah.
00:34:39Whoa.
00:34:42Hey, Wimmy.
00:34:43Good morning.
00:34:44This is a surprise.
00:34:46Yeah, you're in my bed.
00:34:47Oh, well,
00:34:49are we sure you
00:34:50didn't get in my bed?
00:34:51Yep.
00:34:52This is my bed.
00:34:53Oh, well,
00:34:54last night was the first
00:34:55in 18 years
00:34:56that I didn't share my bed
00:34:57with my lovely
00:34:58on the inside wife.
00:34:59so in my sleep
00:35:00I must have wandered over here
00:35:01mistaking your bodily warmth
00:35:03for hers.
00:35:04Okay, well,
00:35:06I'm going to get up.
00:35:0810-4, good buddy.
00:35:17There were good people
00:35:19on both sides
00:35:20of the Charlottesville fans.
00:35:23They even put spaces.
00:35:24Fuck this company.
00:35:27Last night was fun.
00:35:30You know what, Peggy?
00:35:31Last night was fun.
00:35:33I think this is
00:35:34a really great group
00:35:35we got here.
00:35:35And it's cool
00:35:36that we're on Mars.
00:35:38And it's cool
00:35:39we're on Mars.
00:35:40You're right, Peggy.
00:35:41Fucking Mars.
00:35:43All right.
00:35:46Oh, boy.
00:35:48You know what
00:35:48that alarm means.
00:35:49It's time
00:35:50for Kyle's surprise.
00:35:52Okay, what's going on?
00:35:54What are we talking about?
00:35:55Your surprise.
00:35:56Surprise later
00:35:57from future tennis?
00:35:58Oh, right.
00:35:59Hey, wow,
00:36:00look at me.
00:36:01Everything's coming up, Kyle.
00:36:03Now, I know
00:36:03the Martian landscape
00:36:04can feel pretty foreign,
00:36:06but you've won something
00:36:07that's going to make
00:36:08this place
00:36:09feel a lot more like home.
00:36:11All right, okay.
00:36:13Lay it on me.
00:36:14Fun.
00:36:14Okay, Kyle.
00:36:16Say hello
00:36:17to your very own...
00:36:20Talk to me, baby.
00:36:21What do we got?
00:36:24Beyonce!
00:36:26What the fuck?
00:36:27What the fuck?
00:36:29Wait, how is...
00:36:30How, how, how is she here now?
00:36:32When you won future tennis,
00:36:34I asked if you wanted
00:36:35surprise now
00:36:35or surprise later.
00:36:37You said surprise later.
00:36:38She shouldn't be here.
00:36:39This is bad.
00:36:40Can we pause?
00:36:41Can we, can we pause
00:36:41for a second?
00:36:42Can we make the door
00:36:43go back up, please?
00:36:44No, Kyle.
00:36:45We have to get her
00:36:46out of there.
00:36:46That's a decompression chamber.
00:36:48They're very dangerous.
00:36:49Oh, God.
00:36:49Oh, God.
00:36:50Oh, God.
00:36:50Fuck me.
00:36:51Fuck me.
00:36:51Oh, fuck.
00:36:52Ha, ha, ha.
00:36:53Hi, Pumpkin!
00:36:55Hi, Kyle.
00:36:58Hi.
00:36:59I'm Candace.
00:37:01Kyle's fiancé.
00:37:01That's funny.
00:37:02Kyle never talked
00:37:03about you at all.
00:37:03Yeah, I did.
00:37:04Yes, I know.
00:37:05I'm sure that I did.
00:37:06So this is,
00:37:07this is crazy.
00:37:08This is all so surprising.
00:37:09How are you here?
00:37:10Well, when you chose
00:37:12surprise later,
00:37:13I knew we had to think
00:37:13of something really good
00:37:15for you.
00:37:15And as luck would have it
00:37:16right then,
00:37:17Candace showed up
00:37:18at the launch pad
00:37:19and was going on and on
00:37:20about how much she needed
00:37:21to get up here
00:37:22and get to you.
00:37:23When I found out,
00:37:24I said,
00:37:25what the heck?
00:37:25Send her up
00:37:26in a supply pod.
00:37:27Nothing is more important
00:37:28than true love.
00:37:29That's so cool.
00:37:31What would have happened
00:37:32if he chose surprise now?
00:37:33He would have won
00:37:34$400,000.
00:37:37Oh, $400,000.
00:37:39Yeah.
00:37:41Uh, Candace,
00:37:42could we just have
00:37:43a little sidebar
00:37:44to kind of clear the air?
00:37:46Because, you know,
00:37:46I'm sensing a little
00:37:48hostility between us.
00:37:50I'm not hostile, Kyle.
00:37:51Are you hostile?
00:37:52No, no, no.
00:37:53I just,
00:37:54I feel like you're in,
00:37:55I mean,
00:37:56I don't want to tell you
00:37:57how you feel,
00:37:57but I imagine
00:37:58that you would have
00:38:00the right
00:38:01to be
00:38:04frustrated with me.
00:38:05I'm perfectly calm, Kyle.
00:38:07Yeah, but, um,
00:38:09you seem mad.
00:38:11I'm not mad.
00:38:12Are you mad?
00:38:13No, no, no.
00:38:13I'm not mad at all.
00:38:15Okay.
00:38:16Then we're not mad.
00:38:17Let's just drop it.
00:38:18Okay, yeah, yeah.
00:38:19Fine.
00:38:20I mean, it just,
00:38:21it seems kind of weird.
00:38:22You mother fucker!
00:38:24Help!
00:38:25She's gonna kill me!
00:38:26You dickless piece of shit!
00:38:29Okay, everyone.
00:38:31Seems like the perfect time
00:38:32for a little safety meeting.
00:38:34We've had some rather
00:38:35unsafe behavior recently.
00:38:37I'm not going to name names.
00:38:39But I just want to really quickly
00:38:41go over some of the basics.
00:38:43First things first.
00:38:44This is the airlock.
00:38:46Earlier today,
00:38:47Kyle was suggesting
00:38:47that we leave someone
00:38:48in the airlock.
00:38:50Now, this is unsafe
00:38:51for a myriad of reasons.
00:38:52If you're in this thing
00:38:54without a spacesuit
00:38:55when the exterior door opens,
00:38:56the changing pressures
00:38:57could be fatal.
00:38:58Now, if you do have
00:39:00your spacesuit on
00:39:01and you're going to take a walk
00:39:02on the Martian surface,
00:39:03you would stand on this circle
00:39:04and give the voice command
00:39:06airlock C-L-O-S-E.
00:39:10Airlock closed!
00:39:13Thank you, Peggy.
00:39:14Yes, that is what I was spelling.
00:39:17Exterior door opening
00:39:18in 30 seconds.
00:39:20Okay.
00:39:21Luckily, we have a safeguard built in.
00:39:23If you happen to be stuck
00:39:24inside the airlock
00:39:26without your spacesuit,
00:39:27just give the voice command
00:39:28abort airlock procedure.
00:39:30Well, then do it!
00:39:31I am doing it.
00:39:33I was trying to.
00:39:34Abort airlock...
00:39:36I'm sorry.
00:39:37I didn't quite get that.
00:39:39Evacuating airlock in 20 seconds.
00:39:41Guys, you cannot say the command
00:39:43while people are talking.
00:39:44You all have to be...
00:39:45Okay, Kyle,
00:39:45I'm going to take it from here, okay?
00:39:47Abort airlock.
00:39:47Yeah, just be quiet, Kyle.
00:39:49I'm sorry.
00:39:49I didn't quite get you.
00:39:50Candace, now you did it!
00:39:51I'm sorry.
00:39:52I was telling Kyle
00:39:53to be quiet for you.
00:39:54I wasn't going to say anything.
00:39:55You just did it right there!
00:39:56Evacuating airlock in 10 seconds.
00:39:58Everyone, shut up!
00:39:59Everyone, shut up!
00:40:01Shut up, Kyle!
00:40:02Shut up!
00:40:03Wimmy, shut up!
00:40:04Stop!
00:40:04You just talked, Candace!
00:40:06Sorry, Elrond!
00:40:07Will you both shut the fuck up?
00:40:09Everyone, shut up!
00:40:09Shut up!
00:40:13Abort airlock...
00:40:17oh my gosh oh my gosh what the fuck oh my gosh oh my gosh oh my gosh oh my
00:40:21gosh oh my gosh did
00:40:22that just happen okay you guys are actually louder than my music did you not see that what are you
00:40:28talking about elron is dead who elron the billionaire guy that brought us here the
00:40:36elron the main guy elron oh right he died his head exploded fuck off
00:40:44Holy shit
00:40:46Oh, that is fucking cool
00:40:48No, isn't that fucking cool?
00:40:50Elrond Branson was the only one who knew how to operate the ship
00:40:53Holy, holy, holy
00:40:54Lord God Almighty
00:40:56Fat man, be quiet, not now
00:40:58Okay, okay, okay
00:41:00We just, we need to keep our heads together
00:41:02Poor choice of words, dude
00:41:04What?
00:41:05Poor choice of words
00:41:06What?
00:41:07You said let's keep our heads together
00:41:09His head exploded
00:41:10The things you say are inappropriate and you don't realize it
00:41:13You're dumb
00:41:14Holy shit, he won't stop singing
00:41:16Oh, I'm sorry
00:41:18I'm just the only one trying to get us out of this mess
00:41:20How?
00:41:21Uh, by sending a little S.O.S. to the big man upstairs
00:41:24But, Wimmy, God's not real
00:41:29Peggy, isn't it enough that you killed our captain?
00:41:32Do you have to blasphemy God while you're at it?
00:41:34I didn't kill him
00:41:35You're the one who said airlock closed
00:41:38Airlock closed
00:41:39Hey, come on, Wimmy
00:41:40Leave Peggy alone
00:41:41She can't help it
00:41:42She's, you know
00:41:43What are you saying, Kyle?
00:41:45I mean, Peggy is obviously
00:41:47She's, you know
00:41:50Peggy, I don't want to offend you
00:41:51But, I mean, you're obviously
00:41:53Like, you have a mental thing
00:41:56Right?
00:41:57Are you mentally handicapped?
00:41:59Oh!
00:42:00I'm sorry
00:42:01No, that came out wrong
00:42:03Look, it's not gonna solve anything for us to be blaming each other
00:42:06Now, I'm sure each one of us in this room has made mistakes
00:42:09And right now, the best thing is for everyone here to just forgive everyone here
00:42:15So that we can all work together moving forward
00:42:18So we can all work together moving forward
00:42:21Todd, what is with the attitude?
00:42:24I don't have an attitude
00:42:25Well, I'm not your fucking dad, man
00:42:26I know you're not my dad
00:42:28My dad is awesome
00:42:30Is Elrod okay?
00:42:37Okay, we have to get in touch with Mission Control
00:42:40Tell them what happened
00:42:41And get them to pick us up and take us home
00:42:43I know! Hit this one!
00:42:45Peggy, don't touch!
00:42:47This is dangerous
00:42:48Okay, from now on, no one touches anything
00:42:52Todd!
00:42:53Telecom
00:42:54It's short for telecommunications
00:42:57Mission Control
00:42:58Can you hear us?
00:42:59There they are!
00:43:01You bastards!
00:43:02You bastards!
00:43:04Come to kill us now, too?
00:43:07Guys, guys, we are so sorry about Elrod
00:43:11It was an accident
00:43:12We saw everything!
00:43:14There's cameras!
00:43:15Uh, what do we do?
00:43:18How do we get back home?
00:43:19What happens?
00:43:19Okay
00:43:20Well, we should be able to just have the ship automatically bring you home
00:43:25Just don't touch that big red button
00:43:27Um, Peggy already did
00:43:32What?
00:43:33You didn't hear a grinding sound, did you?
00:43:35Yeah
00:43:35Well, great!
00:43:37That just disengaged all the return boosters!
00:43:40Oh, thank you, Peggy
00:43:41Did I fix it?
00:43:42Well, now what?
00:43:43Are we screwed?
00:43:44Is there another way to get back?
00:43:46Of course there is
00:43:47In the sciences
00:43:48In the sciences, we always prepare for a plan B
00:43:51Oh, thank God
00:43:52Yeah
00:43:53If we start constructing another ship now
00:43:55We can get to you guys in about five years
00:43:59Five years?
00:44:00Did you say five years?
00:44:01We're all gonna be stuck up here for five years?
00:44:04Five!
00:44:04Five whole years!
00:44:05Well, maybe you should have thought about that
00:44:07Before you killed Al Rock Branson
00:44:09He was a candle in the wind
00:44:11And a rocket man
00:44:14That dude?
00:44:15What a nerd
00:44:17Nerd?
00:44:18Nerd?
00:44:19You know what?
00:44:19That's the problem with cools
00:44:21You guys just think you can say whatever you want to anybody
00:44:25Well, if you wanted a world without nerds
00:44:28Then Merry Christmas
00:44:30And Happy Birthday
00:44:32You're on one
00:44:33Nerds out!
00:44:34No, no, no!
00:44:35Nerds!
00:44:36Nerds!
00:44:36Nerds!
00:44:37No!
00:44:38No!
00:44:48I cannot get enough of things like that
00:44:50Look at that
00:44:50Now, let's see if we can go frame by frame
00:44:52Toby, can we go frame by frame here?
00:44:53Someone get Toby out of the chair
00:44:55And let's go frame by frame
00:44:56Okay, here we go
00:44:57Now he's like
00:44:58Oh, oh
00:44:59I'm in trouble
00:45:00I'm in trouble
00:45:00Oh, boom!
00:45:02Rewind
00:45:02See?
00:45:03See?
00:45:03He's still alive there
00:45:04Still alive there
00:45:05There
00:45:05Still alive
00:45:06And he's feeling it right there
00:45:09And that's where I think he died
00:45:10What about you?
00:45:11I honestly have a hard time watching this stuff
00:45:13Oh, not me
00:45:14I have a whole folder of this sort of stuff on my desktop at home
00:45:17It's marked taxes
00:45:18So my wife doesn't snoop around in it
00:45:19Getting back to the crisis at hand
00:45:21Millions and millions of viewers around the globe
00:45:24Are mourning the loss of billionaire philanthropist Elron Branson
00:45:27And watching the developments with bated breath
00:45:30So much so that Mars Enterprises has set up a 24-hour feed
00:45:33So concerned citizens can monitor the events in the space station around the clock
00:45:37And with the sudden and shockingly metal death
00:45:40Of the only person who knew how to operate the ship
00:45:42How do you think the crew's holding up?
00:45:44I tell you, it must be incredibly, incredibly tense up there
00:45:48Let's take a look at the feed
00:45:50Where should we start?
00:45:51Hey, why not the women's bathroom?
00:45:53I like the way you think
00:45:54Stupid Kyle doesn't realize what he's giving up
00:45:57But you're going to remind him
00:46:01You're the hottest bitch on this planet
00:46:03Pizza
00:46:06Roast beef
00:46:09Chocolate
00:46:11Frosted Lucky Charms
00:46:12Reese's Puff
00:46:13Cocoa Puffs
00:46:21Hi
00:46:23So, Todd, huh?
00:46:25That's an interesting name
00:46:28I'm not going to stick my dick in crazy
00:46:29What?
00:46:30You just told your boyfriend you're on a break
00:46:32You're hurt
00:46:33You're angry
00:46:33You want to fuck somebody
00:46:34You're being crazy
00:46:35Oh my god
00:46:37I wouldn't even think
00:46:39Okay, sweet
00:46:40That is not why I came over here
00:46:43Oh, okay
00:46:44My mistake
00:46:44And for your information
00:46:46Crazy girls are the best in bed
00:46:49That's not true
00:46:50That's just something crazy girls say
00:46:51Oh!
00:46:58Hey, Peggy
00:46:59They never said there was a limit on how much food we could make
00:47:02God, it stinks in here
00:47:04Anyways, just wanted to stop by and say
00:47:07You were looking pretty hot tonight
00:47:10Shut up!
00:47:12Literally nobody has ever said that to me
00:47:16Literally!
00:47:17That's a shame
00:47:18Because I think you're fucking sexy
00:47:21Candace, you are blowing my mind right now
00:47:24What do you say we lock this door
00:47:27Put on some music
00:47:29Grab a bottle of Everclear and
00:47:32Candace, I'm going to stop you right there
00:47:34And don't stick my fingers in crazy
00:47:36What?
00:47:37It's my one rule
00:47:38Don't get me wrong, Candace
00:47:40You're a very attractive woman
00:47:42And I'd be lying if I said I wasn't flattered
00:47:44But I know where this road leads
00:47:46And it's not a place
00:47:48Where either of us would feel good about
00:47:50What the fuck is wrong with everyone on this spaceship?
00:47:59Hey there
00:48:01Wimmy, right?
00:48:04Shhh
00:48:08Okay
00:48:11Hi Candace
00:48:13I was just talking to my best friend
00:48:15Who's your best friend?
00:48:17Ugh, this is so fucking hard
00:48:20What say you and I have a little drink?
00:48:23Let me stop you right there
00:48:24I do not imbibe
00:48:26But I am happy to provide some non-judgmental company
00:48:29While you poison your brain
00:48:30And jeopardize your soul with alcohol
00:48:32You're funny
00:48:34Listen, Wimmy
00:48:36You're a man with needs
00:48:37I'm a woman with needs
00:48:39What do you say we help each other out?
00:48:42What?
00:48:42No!
00:48:43No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no
00:48:44I am taken
00:48:45Here's the Tillium's clan right here
00:48:48Ah!
00:48:49What?
00:48:57Candace, we just adulteried
00:48:59I adulteried
00:49:00I just betrayed my wife and children
00:49:06I'm sorry
00:49:07I just don't know what's going on with me
00:49:09This whole thing with me and Kyle
00:49:11Has me feel like I'm losing my mind
00:49:15I'm not usually like this, I swear
00:49:17Okay
00:49:19Well, the Lord has everything happen for a reason
00:49:22So, uh, maybe he can use this as a teachable moment
00:49:26Okay
00:49:28John 3.16 says
00:49:29For God so loved the earth
00:49:31That he gave his only begotten son
00:49:32Yeah, but, Wimmy
00:49:34We're not on earth
00:49:35Well, it says earth
00:49:37But it means the whole solar system
00:49:39Well, why would he say earth
00:49:40If he meant solar system?
00:49:44Candace
00:49:44Well, way back when this was written
00:49:46God probably had no idea
00:49:48That in the future
00:49:49Man would make it to other planets
00:49:51Well, I mean, he knew
00:49:52He just, he had to know
00:49:54He just probably didn't
00:49:55I mean
00:49:57Hold on
00:49:59Hey, hey, I mean, I get it, guys
00:50:01In high school
00:50:02I wasn't the most popular guy either
00:50:03I didn't even kiss a girl
00:50:05Until I was 18
00:50:0718?
00:50:0918?
00:50:10That's not nerdy
00:50:11That's cool
00:50:12No, I didn't mean 18
00:50:13It wasn't 18
00:50:14I don't know why I said that
00:50:16It was way later
00:50:17It was like
00:50:17Like 20
00:50:1820?
00:50:1929
00:50:1929
00:50:2029
00:50:20I was 29
00:50:21Oh
00:50:22Okay
00:50:24That's pretty lame, I guess
00:50:26I mean, I kissed a girl when I was 28
00:50:28I didn't, but I could've
00:50:30Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute
00:50:32You, you kissed a girl at 28?
00:50:35Are you sure I'm not talking to a couple of cools right now?
00:50:39Yeah, right
00:50:40Get out of here
00:50:42You don't really think that
00:50:43Oh, I don't know
00:50:44I'm getting some real cool vibes coming through this monitor right now
00:50:47Shut up
00:50:48You know what would be really cool, though?
00:50:51If you guys could help me figure out how to fly this thing back home
00:50:55Well, I guess us cools have to stick together
00:50:59Ha ha, that's right
00:51:01Okay, well, it's not gonna be easy
00:51:04But I think if we all keep our cool, we'll be able to walk you through it
00:51:10The first thing you're gonna need to do is refill the spaceship's fuel reserve tanks
00:51:14Kyle, I'm so sorry
00:51:17Can we talk?
00:51:18Just, just, just a minute, Candace
00:51:20The mission control guys are helping us get home
00:51:22Alright, now, to do this, you'll need to divert the fuel from the station's resting generators to the ship's return
00:51:28tank
00:51:29Okay, resting generators, got it
00:51:30I cheated on you with Wimmy
00:51:34With Wimmy? What? Why? Weird
00:51:36Okay, alright, look, Candace, that is really shitty, and we will have to talk about that, but I gotta do
00:51:44this right now
00:51:44This is what I'm talking about
00:51:46I travel all the way through space to get to Mars to talk to you
00:51:50And all you do is ignore me
00:51:53Guys, is this resting generator thing an outside kind of deal, or is this somewhere in the ship here?
00:51:58That is outside of the ship
00:51:59Right on the underside of the central pond
00:52:01Hi-ya!
00:52:03Candace, no!
00:52:06Two years of my life, Kyle
00:52:08My two best years wasted with you
00:52:14Oh my god, Candace, stop!
00:52:21Oh my god
00:52:22I could have married Brian, the ladies
00:52:31Candace, you broke the air thing!
00:52:33Well now we're even, because you broke my heart
00:52:37No, no, no, you broke the fucking air thing!
00:52:39The meek shall inherit the earth
00:52:44The earth is filled with the steadfast love of the lord
00:52:49The earth is the lord to the fullness thereof!
00:52:59The thing!
00:53:00She fucking broke the thing!
00:53:02We're gonna die!
00:53:03Do you wanna play future tennis with me?
00:53:07Todd, I don't know how to fix the container
00:53:10And I saw her do it
00:53:11She threw the thing and then it made the thing punch right through it
00:53:15We're gonna die!
00:53:16We're all gonna die!
00:53:17What are you talking about?
00:53:18We're gonna die, man!
00:53:19And why do you think we're dying?
00:53:21Because I saw the fucking air!
00:53:23Our air is sucked out into outer space!
00:53:26Okay, and how did that happen?
00:53:27Because this bitch!
00:53:29Yay!
00:53:31No, no, do not judge me until I have finished my sentence
00:53:35Because then you will see that she has murdered you
00:53:40And she has murdered you
00:53:42And she has murdered me
00:53:44And she has also committed suicide
00:53:48And killed Wimmy
00:53:49Where's Wimmy?
00:53:52There is no god here
00:53:53We abandoned him when we left the earth
00:53:55He has no jurisdiction up here
00:53:57The red planet is the planet of the devil
00:54:02Okay, first of all, I'm gonna apologize to the room
00:54:06I lost my cool there
00:54:08I said some things that didn't need to be said
00:54:10And it's important for a leader to be calm and collected
00:54:13What?
00:54:14What?
00:54:15Dude, you are amazing
00:54:17Hey, can you say that part about you being the leader again?
00:54:20Kyle, do you want to play future tennis with me?
00:54:22Kyle hates future tennis
00:54:23He thinks it's a game that makes the person you claim to have love for two years
00:54:27Come and see you after you try to run away from them
00:54:29Okay, Candace, can we try and stay focused, please?
00:54:32Life-threatening situation here
00:54:33Ring a bell
00:54:34You threw a fit
00:54:35Now we're fucked
00:54:35We're fucked?
00:54:36Yes, we're fucked
00:54:37We're not fucked
00:54:38We still have a perfectly good spaceship sitting right over there that can take us home
00:54:43No, the nerd said that there's all this complicated stuff we have to do
00:54:46Let me guess what they said
00:54:47We have to refuel, fill up the gas tank
00:54:50They, well, they said fuel reserve
00:54:52Uh-huh
00:54:53I'm guessing their plan involves something like diverting the fuel from the station's generators into the ship's reserve
00:54:58Probably some sort of exterior switch and a transfer hose we need to connect
00:55:01Wait a minute
00:55:03Okay, I don't want to offend you right now, but
00:55:06Are you smart?
00:55:08Uh, I don't want to offend you, but are you smart?
00:55:11Todd, can I get a sidebar really quick?
00:55:16Candace and Wemmy are very crazy and Peggy is also very crazy
00:55:20You seem in a weird way not to be crazy
00:55:23Do you think that you can help me fix this ship?
00:55:25Uh, I think it'll be more like you helping me fix this ship and also I don't need that
00:55:30I find that to be very encouraging
00:55:36Hey there, lust muffin
00:55:38What the fuck did you just say?
00:55:40Guess what?
00:55:41What?
00:55:42Turns out you were right about Satan ruling Mars
00:55:44I didn't say anything about
00:55:46I should have seen it earlier
00:55:47It was right in front of my damn face
00:55:50Pardon my French, I swear now
00:55:53What are you talking about?
00:55:54I was just in my room indulging my own flesh
00:55:56Treating my body like a damn playground
00:56:00What is that?
00:56:01Playing with my private parts
00:56:03Outside of marriage
00:56:04And I don't give a sh-
00:56:06Damn
00:56:08And guess what?
00:56:09I loved it
00:56:10Now I get what all the fuss is about
00:56:12Why are you telling me all this?
00:56:14I'm here to take you up on your offer
00:56:16I want to do every damn thing
00:56:21Ah, fuck it
00:56:25These suits are pretty cool
00:56:29We just actually became the first two people
00:56:31To ever set foot on Mars
00:56:32Isn't that kind of crazy?
00:56:35I mean
00:56:37It is to me a little bit
00:56:38I mean
00:56:39That's a big deal
00:56:41Oh, Todd, be careful
00:56:43Oh, is that the hose we need?
00:56:45Oh, good
00:56:49Hey, how do you know how to do all this stuff?
00:56:51You seem really confident
00:56:53I don't know anything mechanical
00:56:55I was an indoor kid
00:56:57I can't even change a flat
00:57:02Did that fix it?
00:57:03Is it fixed?
00:57:05If you want to talk to me
00:57:07You have to press this button
00:57:11Yeah, I wasn't talking
00:57:18I can't
00:57:19It won't go in
00:57:20It keeps bending
00:57:22Maybe your butthole's broken
00:57:23My butthole's not broken, Wimmy
00:57:25You have to be hard
00:57:26I'm pretty hard
00:57:27It just keeps bending, though
00:57:32Candace, you need to relax more
00:57:33So I can stuff it in
00:57:34There!
00:57:35I just got it in
00:57:36I'm in
00:57:37We are having sodomy
00:57:39Wow
00:57:41You're not in
00:57:43No, you're right
00:57:44It's out again
00:57:45Damn
00:57:46I gotta say, Todd
00:57:48I am pretty impressed
00:57:49Oh, great
00:57:50I impressed Kyle
00:57:51That means a lot
00:57:52When I get home, everyone will be like
00:57:53Hey, Todd, how was Mars?
00:57:54I'll be like, it was okay
00:57:55But the real cool thing is
00:57:57While I was up there
00:57:57I impressed some idiot
00:57:59Dude, what is the deal?
00:58:01What?
00:58:02What is with the negativity, man?
00:58:04What is your issue with me?
00:58:05Seriously?
00:58:06Seriously?
00:58:07Yeah
00:58:08I don't like the way you treat women
00:58:10I'm sorry, excuse me?
00:58:12The way I treat women
00:58:13Did I bash her face in with the lamp?
00:58:16Did I throw a monitor at her head?
00:58:18It just didn't really sit well with me
00:58:19The way you were throwing around the B word back there
00:58:21She is so mean to me
00:58:24She's been treating me like this for two years
00:58:26And she's wrecked the spaceship now
00:58:28And she's ruined my life
00:58:30She ruins your life
00:58:31She came all the way up to Mars for you
00:58:32She is crazy
00:58:33Yeah, because you've made her crazy
00:58:35Look, you're obviously not really committed
00:58:37To your relationship
00:58:38And you've just been stringing her along
00:58:39Instead of manning up
00:58:40And doing the right thing
00:58:41What, marry her?
00:58:43No, break up with her
00:58:45Let her go find someone
00:58:47Who will actually give a shit about her
00:58:49Now, if you'll excuse me
00:58:51I'm gonna go fix the ship
00:58:58Wimmy Tilliams is my name
00:58:59And Sinning is my new game
00:59:01Committing adultery felt that good
00:59:03I can't imagine how good it must feel
00:59:05To Sinning even harder
00:59:16Hey there, handsome devil
01:07:45Pour product placement and deposits from investors.
01:07:47That doesn't explain why they'd send Candice up.
01:07:49Hittin' a brick wall here.
01:07:51Think, Cooter. Think!
01:07:52I need more meth.
01:07:57Of course!
01:07:59Elrond Branson took $12 billion
01:08:00from different investors to showcase
01:08:03their products on his space station.
01:08:04That's a lot of fucking money for a passing
01:08:07mention on the news.
01:08:08My mind is a fucking razor plate.
01:08:10I can see in between time.
01:08:12Only half of the sponsors are paying
01:08:14for the product placement.
01:08:15The others get a free ride
01:08:16because they're shell companies
01:08:18for whoever's really in charge.
01:08:19But who?
01:08:20What do these products have in common?
01:08:22They range from everything
01:08:23between home appliances
01:08:24and pizza delivery services.
01:08:28I got three large, thick-crust pepperoni
01:08:31and sausages for a...
01:08:33dopey twink?
01:08:36Who do you work for?
01:08:39I told you, Papa Dero's Pizza!
01:08:42Wrong answer!
01:08:46Please stop!
01:08:47Please stop!
01:08:47Please!
01:08:48I'm just trying to pay off
01:08:49my student loans, man.
01:08:51If you ever want to see
01:08:52the light of day again,
01:08:53you better start talking.
01:08:55Take us up the chain!
01:08:57You're gonna have to speak
01:08:58to my manager.
01:09:02Lucy!
01:09:03I'm home!
01:09:05What the hell is going on?
01:09:07Daddy, help us!
01:09:08No, no, no.
01:09:10Don't worry, Kyle.
01:09:12I'll kill as many people
01:09:13as I have to
01:09:14to get you back on Earth.
01:09:16You recognize this piece of shit?
01:09:18I'm sorry, Mr. Kepler.
01:09:20They cut my fucking toe off.
01:09:22Oh, that's right.
01:09:24You fucked with the wrong people
01:09:26this time.
01:09:27I don't know what's going on.
01:09:28Please!
01:09:30The answer gonna come
01:09:31in the morning, bitch.
01:09:33Chomp chomp.
01:09:34Chomp chomp.
01:09:35I told you all I know.
01:09:36Our parent company
01:09:38is technological,
01:09:38human, electronic,
01:09:40household, optimal,
01:09:41luxury, organic,
01:09:42cyber, anthropomorphic,
01:09:43utility systems,
01:09:44treatment, worldwide,
01:09:45analytic software.
01:09:45The Holocaust was greatly exaggerated.
01:09:48They bankrolled
01:09:49the whole fucking thing.
01:09:50Branson didn't have
01:09:51the scratch to pay
01:09:51for the mission himself,
01:09:52so he links up
01:09:53with this company
01:09:53and promises them
01:09:54the best advertising opportunity
01:09:56money can buy.
01:09:56Now he just needs people
01:09:57to tune in.
01:09:58Candace shows up
01:09:59at the launch pad
01:10:00and they're like,
01:10:00shit, this will be some drama.
01:10:01Let's send her up
01:10:02so people can watch
01:10:03the fireworks.
01:10:04But now you're telling me
01:10:05that there's no way
01:10:06the design of that ship
01:10:07would be able to withstand
01:10:08the radiation
01:10:08from the Van Allen belt?
01:10:10Yes, I've worked
01:10:11in aerospace engineering
01:10:12for 35 years.
01:10:13Please don't kill me.
01:10:14Oh, God, don't kill me.
01:10:16Listen to this.
01:10:19Billionaire philanthropist
01:10:20L. Ron Branson
01:10:21was killed today
01:10:21in a tragic accident
01:10:22aboard the Mars Enterprise
01:10:24Space Station.
01:10:25Bull fucking shit
01:10:26he was.
01:10:26There's a 24-7
01:10:27fucking permanent
01:10:28paid fucking commercial,
01:10:29you sick fucks.
01:10:31Ugh, my skin
01:10:32is on fucking fire
01:10:34right now.
01:10:37There's their headquarters.
01:10:38And I'll bet you
01:10:39all the meth in the world
01:10:40that they're doing
01:10:41more than making
01:10:41home appliances in there.
01:10:44Aha!
01:10:46Skinheads.
01:10:46I knew it!
01:10:47All this time
01:10:48I thought the Holocaust
01:10:49was greatly exaggerated
01:10:50was just a hilarious name.
01:10:52Now I see
01:10:53it's something darker.
01:10:53It's a fucking front
01:10:55for a white power group.
01:10:56Of course!
01:11:00My mind is moving
01:11:01in hyperspace, man.
01:11:02They fucking paper ants
01:11:03in to advertise
01:11:04their products
01:11:05and set up
01:11:05an all-white colony
01:11:06on a new planet.
01:11:07They think it'll show people
01:11:08how a one-race world
01:11:09would be a utopia.
01:11:10Then with all the profits
01:11:11from their product placements,
01:11:12they'll send up
01:11:13more and more people.
01:11:14I so horny.
01:11:16Me too, Sleepy.
01:11:17Me too.
01:11:18But we have some Nazis
01:11:20to kill.
01:11:26Here we go, Twigs!
01:11:28The entire energy
01:11:30of the universe
01:11:31is within us!
01:11:35What in the fuck?
01:11:44Twigs!
01:11:45That's the fucking spaceship!
01:11:47They never went to fucking Mars!
01:11:48Branson and the fucking Nazis
01:11:50knew they couldn't get
01:11:51a hotel up there.
01:11:52The whole thing
01:11:52was a giant scam!
01:11:54Branson steals billions
01:11:55from investors,
01:11:56then that phony fucker
01:11:57fakes his own death
01:11:58and makes off with the cash.
01:11:59than these skinhead pieces
01:12:00of shit
01:12:01use the accidents
01:12:02to get the whole world
01:12:03watching their bullshit
01:12:04racist white utopia propaganda
01:12:06while getting rich
01:12:07selling their fucking
01:12:07vacuum cleaners
01:12:08and blenders!
01:12:09It's almost too simple.
01:12:13Huh?
01:12:18The station is wrecked.
01:12:21How am I breathing?
01:12:24God?
01:12:26Oh, no.
01:12:27What have I done?
01:12:30forgive me, Lord!
01:12:38Jesus!
01:12:39Cooter!
01:12:40Kyle!
01:12:41What's up, man?
01:12:42What the fuck?
01:12:43What is happening?
01:12:44How are you on Mars?
01:12:45You never went to Mars.
01:12:46You're in a warehouse
01:12:4730 miles south
01:12:48of Carla, Nevada.
01:12:49The fucking Nazis
01:12:50used you for their
01:12:51sick white supremacy
01:12:52utopia commercial.
01:12:54What are you talking about?
01:12:55I had to beat the living shit
01:12:56out of a pizza boy
01:12:57to figure it out,
01:12:58but it's all right now.
01:12:59Mr. Conner,
01:13:00skinheads!
01:13:06Someone tell me
01:13:08what is happening.
01:13:08Shit's starting
01:13:09to get fun.
01:13:11Twinks!
01:13:12Ride them up.
01:13:30Bashful!
01:13:31I'm out of ammo!
01:13:32Throw me another clip!
01:13:34Okay, Mr. Clip!
01:13:35Bashful!
01:13:41Bashful!
01:13:54Sous-titrage Société Radio-Canada
01:14:13L. Ron Branson's entire Mars Voyager mission was a hoax.
01:14:18Details are still unfolding, but from what we can tell,
01:14:21the now disgraced billionaire had elaborately faked his own death
01:14:24with the help of a white supremacist home appliance company
01:14:28in a scheme to bilk investors out of their money
01:14:31and sell products with incredibly offensive names.
01:14:35Here we see the footage of Sir L. Ron Branson
01:14:37being taken into custody earlier this evening.
01:14:39The four surviving astronauts are finally being reconnected
01:14:43with their loved ones here on Earth.
01:14:46Hey, guys.
01:14:47Had sort of a crazy trip.
01:14:50And I have to go to jail now.
01:14:54That's all the time we have tonight.
01:14:56Stay tuned for Jimmy Fallon, who's going to be playing
01:14:58Guess Who with that squirrel from the Oreos commercials.
01:15:08Hey, how'd it go?
01:15:11What kind of stuff are they asking?
01:15:13Just like what happened when women went crazy and stuff like that.
01:15:18Oh, okay.
01:15:20Um, are you doing all right?
01:15:22Yeah.
01:15:23I'm still shaking up a bit, but yeah.
01:15:27So, I guess this is it.
01:15:31Yeah, I guess so.
01:15:34So, what are you going to do now?
01:15:36Just hang around at the bar with Cooter?
01:15:39Oh, no.
01:15:40No.
01:15:41Cooter's in a lot of trouble.
01:15:42He killed, like, hundreds of people.
01:15:43Yeah, but it was kind of in self-defense.
01:15:46No, no, no, no.
01:15:47Before that, he killed, like, nine people or something
01:15:50in the weeks leading up to that gunfight.
01:15:52I think, like, two of them were children.
01:15:54Oh, my God.
01:15:55Yeah.
01:15:56Yeah.
01:15:57Are you going to visit him in prison?
01:16:00Um, I don't think so.
01:16:05Well, see you around.
01:16:08Hey, Candace.
01:16:09Um, I'm sorry that I hurt you.
01:16:13I really am.
01:16:15I know.
01:16:16And someday, I'll be okay with it.
01:16:24Hey!
01:16:25Elrond!
01:16:26Oh!
01:16:27Hey, Kyle.
01:16:29Uh, how's it going?
01:16:31So, is it true?
01:16:32It was all a hoax from the beginning?
01:16:34Yep.
01:16:35Pretty much.
01:16:36I thought if I made a deal with those white nationalists,
01:16:38I could finally fake my death and disappear with a ton of money.
01:16:41Dude, I just don't get it.
01:16:42You were already rich.
01:16:44I mean, you had everything.
01:16:45Why would you want to fake your own death?
01:16:47Well, I have this fiancé who just absolutely smothers me.
01:16:54Kyle Capshaw?
01:16:56And then Cooter just kept laughing and shooting the corpses
01:17:00until they just sort of, like, jellified.
01:17:03Thank you, Mr. Capshaw.
01:17:06I gotta say, this is kind of a godsend for us here at NASA.
01:17:09What do you mean?
01:17:09How so?
01:17:10Well, this is exactly the kind of story we need to get the federal government
01:17:13to give us our funding back.
01:17:14What happened to you is a perfect example of corporatism in the sciences run-among.
01:17:18We're gonna put that Peggy Bork lady on every talk show in the country telling this story.
01:17:22Peggy?
01:17:23Yeah.
01:17:24She's gonna be a national hero.
01:17:25We're gonna make her the new face of NASA.
01:17:28Neil Armstrong can suck my fucking nuts.
01:17:30We're in the Peggy Bork business now.
01:17:32Uh, that's cool, but...
01:17:36Uh, what about me?
01:17:37I mean, I actually did way more stuff than Peggy.
01:17:40Yeah.
01:17:41The thing is, uh...
01:17:44Peggy Moore represents the image we want out there for NASA.
01:17:49Are you fucking kidding me?
01:17:50Because she's...
01:17:51I mean, she's like...
01:17:53Look, I think that she's mentally handicapped.
01:17:56Oh, come on, Kyle.
01:17:58The thing is, Kyle,
01:17:59a cultural icon needs to project a certain essence of American values and wholesomeness.
01:18:05What are you trying to say?
01:18:08Everybody's seen the doll video.
01:18:10What doll video?
01:18:12Sandy.
01:18:15What do you mean everybody's seen the video?
01:18:20They played it on the news pretty often while you guys were trapped up there.
01:18:23Or, uh, down here.
01:18:26Trapped down here.
01:18:27We just can't have a doll licker be the face of the National Space Agency.
01:18:32You understand.
01:18:36Well, the Stranded Martian passengers are stranded no more.
01:18:40And we know of one little porcelain doll
01:18:43who's probably very happy that they're safe and sound.
01:18:56Well, great.
01:19:00I think that's the guy from the news that licks dolls.
01:19:03And the Peggy Bork National Press Tour continues.
01:19:07This morning she was seen playing the xylophone with Michael Strahan on the Today Show.
01:19:11And rumors are swirling that Ryan Gosling has been making romantic advances.
01:19:16Is it too early to start talking about a new Hollywood power couple?
01:19:19Those two are hot.
01:19:21I am strongly attracted to Peggy Bork.
01:19:27Well, it looks like it's just you and me, Sandy.
01:19:30From here on out, I have no idea what's gonna happen.
01:19:40Whoa.
01:19:42Come here, you.
01:20:10We'll be right back.
01:20:23We'll be right back.
01:20:43We'll be right back.
01:20:45We'll be right back.
01:21:10We'll be right back.
01:21:28We'll be right back.
01:21:31We'll be right back.
01:21:33We'll be right back.
01:21:41We'll be right back.
01:21:57We'll be right back.
01:21:59We'll be right back.
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