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00:08if i know those laughs they're tickling jeff until he wets himself better put down some newspaper
00:17oh i thought you guys were making fresh squeezed jeff juice what you're watching
00:22what's up butt cheeses i'm stan i'm 22 years old and i'd be a home run on this show
00:32ah we were looking for that porno mom found where the guy looks like a fatter tuttle
00:36and look what we stumbled across your old real world audition tape you made the right move not
00:42sending this in it would have been brutal what are you talking about it's not that bad come on dad
00:48you're not cut out for reality tv you're terrible on camera please reality tv is all about charming
00:54people and i am constantly doing that on missions once i charmed my way into a canadian terrorist
00:59cell with nothing but a hot dog and a piece of gum winning over a bunch of reality dweebs would
01:04be child's play works different that's all instinct great instincts no one's questioning those but in
01:11normal life whenever there's a camera around you get so in your own head and try way too hard and
01:16make
01:17the worst lamest choices i mean i like to keep it extreme
01:26see cameras are why you act so weird at atms and in the cold medicine isle at cvs and behind
01:33any car with a backup camera you're all crazy i'd crush it why do you even care this was 20
01:38years
01:39ago and you never even followed through with it yeah but the more we talk about this the more
01:42important it becomes to me my own family doesn't even believe in me it's not that we don't believe in
01:47you honey it's just
01:53you guys suck and send me that pic
02:01good morning usa i got a feeling that it's gonna be a wonderful day
02:07the sun in the sky has a smile on his face and he's shining a salute to the american race
02:17oh boy it's swell to say good morning usa
02:28stupid family sap i heard that argument stan and i have to say i think we have yet another situation
02:36where everyone else in the house is wrong and you are right yet again they may not believe in you
02:42but
02:42i do you'd be great on reality tv and i know what i'm talking about because i have a persona
02:47with a deep background in reality television gary ambasul reality tv producer i've cast and produced
02:54dozens of shows in my day pitching a lot of hot hot stuff right now real housewives of isis jack
03:00toddlers jack toddlers las vegas america's next top bottom i'm actually all three judges on that too and my
03:07big dog gary ambasul's all stars just got greenlit gonna air on several non-traditional alternative tv
03:14platforms gas station tvs burner flip phones audio only on spirit airlines you know stan we're still
03:21finalizing the cast and i actually think you'd be perfect for it me really what's it about it's
03:26a classic seven strangers getting to know each other in a rental house where the toilets definitely
03:31aren't filmed nothing crazy just a popularity contest where viewers vote for who they like
03:35best i don't know come on it's win-win i fill out my cast you get to show the family
03:41how stupid they
03:42are they do need to know how stupid they are okay let's do it great now you just need to
03:47sign these
03:48don't worry it's nothing to do with the show these are valentines for some other personas who have
03:52crushes on you stan you wouldn't happen to be interested in abigail lemon party would you
04:00do you want to be a ghost tour or a target run you tell me
04:27it was just a lot of walking and you're so small it would have been hard for you to keep
04:31up so carry
04:32me bitches and we weren't sure it would be the right vibe for you you can be kind of a
04:38wild card
04:39wild card me yeah you remember when you got us kicked out of the renaissance fair for attacking
04:45a harp player with a giant turkey leg oh come on that was funny you know you guys really take
04:51me for
04:51granted if i had an awesome small bro like me i would value him great go find yourself a klaus
04:58then
04:59maybe i will actually dr weitzman owes me a favor for when i helped untangle him from the barbed wire
05:06around the old bra factory i'll have him make me a tiny buddy
05:12do you guys want to go to target the everglades are becoming a mini hollywood you can dress this
05:19swap up to be anywhere a swap in london a swap in space very versatile swap screw you claude i
05:26meant
05:26what i said had it out with that dumbass the other day he's into voodoo dolls and i called him
05:31out for
05:32it being total mumbo jumbo moron anyway the house is just up here okay show time the rest of the
05:42cast
05:42is out there just go be yourself piece of cake game time
06:13i'm swerve queen
06:15a.k.a miss steal your girl a.k.a miss steal your guy a.k.a miss steal your
06:21identity
06:22i'm drakeford and i'm here to get famous enough to be on other reality shows
06:26i'm clarence i needed money for my granddaughter's wedding so i responded to a craigslist ad
06:33yo yo it's your boy stan i'm here to party and i'm here to farty
06:39i'm angelica i have 200k followers and as a brand ambassador for dr slippy's lip gloss that is all
06:47i'll be using this season muah i'm corn nuts i was living down the road until my brother kicked me
06:54out it's cool if i sleep here i'm izzy i only eat rainbow sherbet and that's the sound of panda
07:01makes
07:04it's important they know right off the bat who the fun guy in the house is gonna be
07:08whoa we got a pool awesome anyone got a can opener no stan there's a cover on
07:16um fun guy established man uh stan he's an interesting dude i've never seen someone so
07:24obsessed with throwing farts and he's always leaving half-eaten tuna cans all over the house
07:35it's like we live with a cat who's covered in axe body spray and stan seems to have major beef
07:42with
07:49clarence
07:50nut tap i call this the queen's shuffle
07:59did you get that we decided to all pitch in and make a nice dinner i invited everyone to pre
08:06-game
08:07before the dinner but i guess i'm the only cool one you little bitches you couldn't handle a couple
08:13of warm-up drinks this lasagna tastes like ass is that stan is this a tv amazing this this is
08:27why i'll
08:28never get an electric vehicle
08:32i am on the hunt for the perfect person to turn into my own little klaus cool i find friendships
08:39blossom holy hell save it for your memoirs motor mouth venti tap water and eight cake pops name just
08:49put k-dog 69 69 69 noise well he's the one whiteman i'm ready to cash in that favor it's
08:58klaus
09:00the fish geez how many fish do you owe favors to man
09:08stan stan the man ricky stanish hey roger things were a little hazy from all the booze last night
09:16i just want to make sure i didn't do anything stupid you no no no you were rock solid total
09:21gentleman but i'm glad you popped by rogu grab the man a pedialyte i wanted to tell you how well
09:26the
09:26show's doing people are loving you they're getting gas just to watch oh really can i see some of the
09:32footage no can do gotta keep you natural untainted you'll see it soon enough at our live in studio
09:38finale gonna have a great green room spread by the way 100 salami come hungry but votes are pouring
09:44in and you're doing great keep being you we got a hit on our hands not a problem thanks roger
10:10you know it was weird he died the same day the c4 we were about to use to blow up
10:17niagara falls went missing
10:18yeah dang it we were duped gentlemen he was one of us grandma showed him our secret family recipe for
10:25horse meat even
10:28well if he wasn't dead before he's a dead man now
10:34uh boss this was the number we gave those girls we met ice fishing yesterday
10:45this never happened oh he's perfect he's zonked from the transfer he'll be up soon okay i gotta get
10:53back i needed somewhere to put a seagull's brain for a minute so i use this guy's body and i
10:57want to
10:57make sure nothing
11:00flappy get back here little guy's tuckered out but once he's up we're gonna be in
11:09what the hell is going on am i in a dollhouse bed am i a snail whoa let's just relax
11:17you are a snail
11:19but but we are best friends now it's all gonna be okay here i'll go grab us a couple of
11:29beers so we
11:29can talk this out like bros okay i only have one mango hard seltzer but we can split that for
11:35now
11:35why are you on my did you just call someone yeah tracy at starbucks and she's telling everyone at work
11:43what you did the jig is up so just go ahead and change me back to a miserable human damn
11:51it well
11:52i guess i have no choice but to fix this then huh poor snail the shell's oddly comforting but i'm
11:59still
11:59mad why i had no choice you all knew everything's gonna be fine just calm down i'll grab you guys
12:08some
12:09dirt and what do snails eat maggots we don't know we just became snails but some maggots do sound
12:16amazing thank you good evening folks i'm gary ambasoul welcome to the live studio finale of the most
12:28popular show ever to air above the trough urinal in the carolina hurricanes arena bathroom hell yeah
12:34now let's all welcome fresh out of the house in the everglades that's really dragging their feet
12:39with my security deposit my all-stars eat it once look who's a reality star now tonight we'll be
12:50crowning one of these housemates our winner you voted all season and the results are in but before we
12:56get to that let's look back at this unforgettable season of moments recorded everywhere but the toilet
13:05oh i love it here everyone's awesome well almost everyone
13:13it's not a direct translation but that's panda for stan sucks angelica you just won the super bowl
13:22stan oh stan oh stan can i tell you guys a secret
13:28hell yeah we'll get more into that torrid love affair but first i think audiences around the world
13:36are eager for me to share some news with the cast i haven't been totally honest while you all thought
13:42you were filming gary ambasoul's all-stars america knew we were making gary ambasoul's imbeciles
13:50you were assembled for my mission to crown america's biggest idiot and the votes are in drum roll please
14:05hey and the winner is no surprises here it's dan by a mile
14:17and when we come back bazooka sharks punter boomer de santo is here to kick stan in the balls
14:23and that's commercial roger you used me to look like a fool phew we're on the same page you said
14:31you believed in me you said i'd be great you were great great for me and the show aren't you
14:36happy for me
14:37stan he's in there eh surround the entire perimeter with dynamite we gotta send our message to the
14:45world in style i'm done with this stupid show find another sucker but nobody sucks harder than you
14:52not even the contestants of my other show human vacuums of nebraska
15:00the secret to horse meat virgil is putting on the slice of american cheese after the microwave
15:06and letting the steam melt it mr ed meet mr fed as in well fed not federal agent which i'm
15:14not
15:16horse meat oh no hey look it's virgil as you can imagine virgil we were devastated to see on tv
15:25that
15:25you weren't a dead friend but a living traitor yeah no you may have thwarted our plan to blow up
15:32niagara
15:32falls bud but now you've given us another opportunity to bring awareness to our cause
15:38help me out here what was that again our cause to refresh your memory is getting the world to adopt
15:44newfoundland's 30 minutes off time zone oh god i forgot that island is 30 minutes off i kept missing
15:51modern family we've accommodated the rest of the world for decades time for them to accommodate
15:56us so we're gonna blow up this studio and everyone in it live on air to send a message one
16:04that'll be
16:04seen on gas station tvs and flip phones around the globe and then if we don't die in a glorious
16:11hail
16:11of gunfire we might pop by colonial williamsburg and see how a horseshoe is made if we have time
16:24okay everybody a couple concerning items of news terrorists have surrounded the studio and are
16:29planting dynamite but don't worry i'm highly trained and have this situation completely un
16:35wazzup where do we that rogu get a camera outside on those terrorists this could be big pluto tv big
16:42stan are we all gonna die we may baby girl but i ain't stressing i just hope heaven's got an
16:50ice
16:50luge oh that's catchy i just hope heaven's got an ice luge dad get it together you're in the cia
16:58do
16:58something wait you're in the cia you told me you were a sexy dentist yeah i'm cia ain't no thing
17:05just
17:05give me a second i'll whip up a plan we just need a flank here and then we'll send a
17:09team over here and
17:11i'll rappel in front yeah this looks great gotcha stop looking pervs forget this loser i'm gonna go
17:18out there and smooth this whole thing over hit him with the queen shuffle spit some game and we'll be
17:24home in time for jack toddlers south beach i got that y'all someone help me not stand i can't
17:36believe
17:36we just captured these swerve queen it's tracy's big blabber mouth is why we're all snails now larry's
17:45gonna write us up for missing our shift everyone shut up larry's not doing nothing because you're all
17:51snails and you live with a fish now and we're all best friends that's just the way it is anyone
17:57want to
17:58hear me freestyle i'm a snail i use snail mail i leave snail trails g unit enough everyone quiet i'm
18:09trying to watch my friend's show
18:14i'm a snail i read snail braille baby be my chip i'll be your snail dale
18:20here's your staff larry i'm over it i'm gonna go chug a mountain dew outside tj maxx and throw in
18:25some
18:25fan duel parlays klaus is back larry that fish turned us into snails and you gotta get us to a
18:34recording studio i don't care who's it and what's it to who's them you're all late and i'm writing you
18:39up larry is now a bad time to tell you that my sister's wedding's next weekend dag nabbit
18:49i can't believe we underestimated how truly horrible dad is on camera then we gotta get him
18:55off camera roger kill the cameras we need to get dad back to normal on it oh no the terrorists
19:02must
19:02have jammed the signal so we're stuck on air no way i'm missing this gold i don't get it cameras
19:09are
19:09not terrorists are dad's bread and butter but those missions are all instinct so maybe
19:18instinct trumps cameras clarence and angelica when you're done sobbing can i ask you to do a quick
19:24season two promo sorry fam my b i guess you were right not to believe in me actually dad i
19:34do believe
19:34in you steve no what are you doing come on in and just kill us get it over with you
19:42can do it on
19:43camera quick before the little hoser reconsiders
20:08hang tight i'll hang loose stand look out
20:30and i just wanted to say big thanks to all the haters out there for keeping me motivated
20:43especially my weakest hell family shout out to the everglades my boy corn nuts and most importantly
20:48you america for eating this
20:57i'm pitching a lot of hot hot shows right now but there's one in particular i think you'd really shine
21:03on me tunnel are you familiar with the concept of a squid game i am not but i love calamari
21:10great great
21:11that's perfect rogu will just get a quick legally binding signature and you'll be rich and famous
21:16lickety-split hot dog production starts monday just bring some exercise clothes and remember don't tell
21:23any loved ones where you're going damn it this is another valentine still it'll mean the world to clip-clop
21:32bye have a beautiful time
21:33you
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