Skip to playerSkip to main content
Chicago
  • 21 hours ago

Category

📺
TV
Transcript
00:13Star is laughing right now for Mark Norman, everybody.
00:30Ladies and gentlemen, Mark Norman!
00:44Hey, we're really doing it.
00:50Here we are.
00:52Boulder, baby.
00:53Sin City.
00:54Yeah!
00:55What a town.
00:56I love it here.
00:57It's like a Texas-raped Portland.
00:59Yeah?
01:01Oh, yeah.
01:03Real mountain men out here.
01:04You guys are tough out here, but you're still crunchy, huh?
01:07Yeah, like, sir, you could probably beat my ass, but I bet you still recycle.
01:11Yeah?
01:13Oh, yeah.
01:14You guys party, but you're still green, you know?
01:16You'll do blow, but it'll be through a paper straw.
01:19Yeah?
01:20Whew.
01:21All right.
01:22My first time here, this place is goddamn magical.
01:25I love it here.
01:27Great.
01:28This is a special place.
01:30Oh, my God.
01:32Because I'm usually in Denver.
01:33This is much cleaner, you know?
01:38You go on that 16th Street Mall down there, you see some real twitchy weirdos on that train.
01:44It's the only place you can see a heroin addict next to a Jamba Juice, you know?
01:49Nice town you got here.
01:50You know, I see a lot of BLM signs and no black people.
01:53That's exciting, huh?
01:55Very cool.
01:57I like your style.
01:58Smart.
02:00Oh, yeah.
02:02We'll have fun.
02:03I should warn you guys, I will say some horrific shit up here, but it's all jokes.
02:06Just fun.
02:07Don't Will Smith me.
02:08All right?
02:09Hey, I'm just glad Chris Rock didn't make a joke by Alec Baldwin's wife.
02:13All right.
02:15Okay.
02:15Just testing the water.
02:17See what I get away with.
02:18Yeah.
02:19You got to put a pinky in before the fist.
02:21All right.
02:22Yeah.
02:22She knows.
02:23All right.
02:24Here we go.
02:27It's good to be out here in the mountains.
02:29You know, I live in New York City.
02:30I live right by NYU.
02:31A lot of young hip college kids are all cool and hip and young.
02:34They're all gay.
02:35Yeah.
02:36Feels like every young person is gay now.
02:38It's like cool to be gay.
02:39It's in style.
02:40I wish that was going on when I was a kid.
02:43Hey, I got beat up for being gay and I'm not even gay.
02:50What the hell, man?
02:53I have gay friends like, you know how hard it was for me to come out in high school?
02:56I'm like, hey, I got beat up too.
02:57I didn't get to blow anybody.
03:01Yeah.
03:01I got bullied a lot growing up.
03:03The big three, I got called gay, Jew, and retard.
03:06And I'm none of those things, but I could pass.
03:11Yeah.
03:12That was bullying when I was a kid.
03:13Now it's shifted.
03:14Now bullying is calling someone racist, homophobic, or misogynist.
03:17And I'm none of those things either, but I could pass.
03:20Yeah.
03:22Well, you know, I try to support.
03:24Like, I'd like to have sex with a non-binary person,
03:26just because it sounds like he had a threesome.
03:30You know?
03:30I was like, how was that date last night?
03:32Oh, it went well.
03:33Oh, yeah?
03:34Did you have sex with her?
03:35No, no, them.
03:38Oh, yeah.
03:39They were all over me.
03:42It was pretty wet and wild.
03:44Really?
03:44Squirter?
03:45We'll just say fluid.
03:51Okay.
03:52All right.
03:52Hey.
03:53Family.
03:56Well, you know, people get mad about trans stuff.
03:59That's a touchy one.
03:59People are like, ah, trans people exist.
04:02I don't know.
04:02I look at trans the same way I look at crypto.
04:04I don't understand all of it, but I've lost a lot of money on both.
04:11Yeah.
04:12And trans women looking damn good now, huh?
04:15Every time I see one, it's like a new video game.
04:17Like, whoa, technology's getting good.
04:21Because I got to tell you, in the 90s, those graphics were rough.
04:27In the 90s, trans women were like Ms. Pac-Man.
04:29Just Pac-Man, but with a bow and a hair.
04:31That was about it, you know?
04:34Now trans women are like, AI.
04:35I'm like, damn, look at that.
04:36My friends are like, it's not what you think.
04:37I'm like, I don't care.
04:40I'll hit that joystick.
04:42Yeah.
04:44Yeah, it feels like transitioning's up.
04:46My childhood friend transitioned from a dude to a lady.
04:48She was like, I want us to stay close, still be friends.
04:50I don't want anything to change between us.
04:52And I was like, well, you started it.
04:55She was like, what, you got a problem with trans people?
04:57I was like, no, it's not that.
04:58I'm just kind of attracted to you now.
05:02Yeah, this is weird.
05:02We've been friends for years.
05:03We can finally hook up.
05:04She was like, I don't want to hook up.
05:05I just want to be your friend.
05:06I was like, damn, you really are a woman.
05:10Hmm.
05:12Well, you know.
05:14But I'm not gay.
05:15Do like the ladies.
05:16Big fan of the old labia.
05:18Yeah.
05:20Majora and Menorah for the Jews.
05:23Yeah.
05:25But now, now I'm married.
05:26My wife, she is not Jewish, but we were having a good roll in the hay the other night.
05:31Slipped out, went to the bee hole for a second, and she was none too pleased.
05:34She was like, show's over, that's it.
05:36I was like, damn, why the hell are those two so close?
05:41That feels wrong.
05:42They're like an inch of flesh separating the two.
05:44Those should be further apart, right?
05:45One should be on the shoulder, one should be on the knee.
05:47Yeah?
05:48Let them breathe a little.
05:50It's like two arch enemies living right next door to each other.
05:53It's basically Israel and Palestine.
05:55Right there, you know.
05:57Just one little Gaza Strip separating it, and, uh...
06:01And the butthole's definitely Palestine,
06:03cause I'd love to visit one day, but you gotta be careful.
06:07Right?
06:09It can get a little hairy.
06:10Yeah?
06:11And the vagina's clearly Israel, cause I'll go anytime, even during bloodshed.
06:18Alright.
06:19The Holy Land.
06:21Yeah.
06:27Yeah, my wife's fun.
06:28Real tomcat in the sack.
06:30I'm not great in the bedroom, you remember.
06:32But, you know.
06:34She's a real go-getter.
06:35She likes to be insulted in the bedroom, which is cool,
06:38but nobody told me that the insults are supposed to be sexy.
06:40Yeah?
06:41So we're going at it.
06:42I'm like, ah, you can't cook.
06:47Yeah, your stories are fucking boring.
06:52She's like, what the hell are you doing?
06:54Just call me a stupid bitch.
06:56I was like, I got it.
06:57Sorry, sorry, I got it.
06:59You can't parallel park, you stupid bitch.
07:04Well, that's the thing, ladies, you like the dirty talk,
07:06but you only really seem to like it in the bedroom.
07:08All the stuff I like, you can say anywhere.
07:10Still hot.
07:10Like, if I pull her hair and call her a slut at right age,
07:12that's weird, you know?
07:15But if you grab my balls at Kmart and say I'm the best you ever had,
07:18I'm like, clean up on aisle three.
07:22Cause that's what's kind of crazy about sex.
07:24When you're horny, you kind of go temporarily insane, right?
07:26You're choking, spitting, you say shit you don't mean,
07:29like, I'll pay your college debt.
07:34Then when you orgasm, it's almost like you took your meds.
07:36You're like, whoa, who the fuck was that guy?
07:41Everybody's more chill after an orgasm.
07:43I'm sure even Hitler was like, kill all the minorities.
07:46All right, just one.
07:51I'm too insecure for the insult thing.
07:53She compliments me in bed.
07:54It's all bullshit, but I'll take it, you know?
07:56She'll be like, oh, you're so huge.
07:58And I never know what to say.
07:59So I'm like, yeah, you too.
08:06But when I was a single guy, I was always open-minded.
08:08Any girl had a fetish or whatever, I would do it.
08:10I didn't care, you know?
08:11And girls always say, well, what's your thing, Mark?
08:12I was like, ah, you're gonna make me feel bad.
08:14They'd be like, oh, come on, save space.
08:16I was like, all right, well, I got this weird thing
08:17where after I orgasm, I like to leave.
08:22Girls would be like, what the hell?
08:23I'm like, whoa, kink shame, hello.
08:28But yeah, my wife's good.
08:29I'm just trying to keep up with her.
08:30She's got all these sexy friends.
08:32One of her friends was like, hey, for my birthday,
08:33I want to have a threesome with you two.
08:35I was like, hey, all right.
08:36I didn't know they had a thing going on.
08:38They hooked up the whole time.
08:39I sat on the edge of the bed naked like a weirdo.
08:42She gave her this amazing orgasm.
08:44She was like, this is the best birthday gift ever.
08:46I was so uncomfortable.
08:47I was like, uh, that's from both of us.
08:54Now, my friend told me some guys will have a threesome
08:56and they'll high-five over the lady.
08:58That's called an Eiffel Tower.
08:59I never did an Eiffel Tower.
09:01My last threesome was bad.
09:02Me and my buddy, we both crumbled under pressure
09:04and I'll never forget it.
09:05It was more of a twin tower.
09:12And it was an inside job involving a bush.
09:18Oh, yeah.
09:19All right.
09:19That's good.
09:20Here we go.
09:21Yeah.
09:23Yeah.
09:24Yeah, 9-11.
09:25All right.
09:28Yeah, my friend's a good-looking guy.
09:29The ladies love him.
09:30He told me recently he hooked up with a supermodel.
09:33I was like, wow, what was that like?
09:34He was like, actually, I couldn't perform.
09:36I was like, what do you mean?
09:36He's like, you know, I couldn't perform.
09:38I'm like, what are you talking about?
09:39He's like, you know, I couldn't get it up.
09:40That's a weird term for not being able to get it up.
09:42Because when I can't get it up,
09:43all I do is perform.
09:44I'm like, oh, this never happens.
09:50My aunt died.
09:51I'm gay.
09:54I'm all performance.
09:55Some guys are like, I'm a porn star in bed.
09:58I'm like, not me.
09:59I'm an Oscar winner.
09:59Yeah.
10:01When guys can't get it up, we do a lot of performing.
10:04Ladies, you guys perform when you can't get off.
10:06The old fake orgasm.
10:07That's your big show.
10:08And my wife's the worst actor of all time.
10:10She's like, oh, my God, I'm coming.
10:14I'm like, we're driving.
10:16You know what I mean?
10:19I'm telling you, my friend's a hunk.
10:20He's on OnlyFans.
10:21He's a guy naked on OnlyFans.
10:23And he's always complaining.
10:24Men make no money.
10:25Women are making millions.
10:26What happened to equality?
10:27I'm like, dude, nobody's gonna pay to see a guy naked.
10:29It's a bummer.
10:30Like, if a guy flashes a woman on the bus, she's like, this is terrifying.
10:34A woman flashes me on the bus, I'm like, ha, I would've paid for that.
10:39I know women who are into men who are like, I'd rather see a woman naked than a guy.
10:43That's when I thought, damn, OnlyFans for men?
10:46That's our WNBA.
10:51Yeah, there's a lot of real talent out there and nobody cares.
10:55You know?
10:57The only thing we want to see less than a naked guy is women playing basketball.
11:03You're not watching, ladies.
11:04You know the WNBA's on strike?
11:06I made that up.
11:07All right.
11:09I've been to a few games just to throw the dildo, but I went.
11:15Yeah, now I live vicariously through my single friends.
11:18They're all on the dating apps having a blast.
11:20I'm older.
11:20I was hitting on girls in person back in the day.
11:22That was scary.
11:23And guys always give you advice back then.
11:25They'd be like, oh, you're going to talk to her?
11:26Here's what you do.
11:27You got to be interested, but be kind of mean.
11:29I heard that a lot growing up.
11:31I didn't know, so I'd go up to a girl.
11:32I'd go, hello, what's your sign, whore?
11:36It never worked.
11:38And ladies, you guys are so much more complex.
11:40I was out with a friend recently.
11:42She's single looking to mingle.
11:43She started talking to the hottest guy I've ever seen.
11:45I come back later, I'm like, where's the guy?
11:47She was like, ah, he said something stupid.
11:48I'm out.
11:49That's it.
11:50Hottest guy ever.
11:51I feel like if a guy met the hottest girl ever and she said something stupid, we'd think,
11:54I'm in.
11:57If she thinks China's a city, she'll fuck me.
12:05But I had to know.
12:06I was like, what happened with the guy?
12:06He was so handsome.
12:07She was like, ah, he was a little racist.
12:08I can't bang a racist.
12:10I was like, oh, I would.
12:13I don't agree with it.
12:14I know it's wrong, but I can separate the two.
12:16She was like, really?
12:17You'd bang a racist?
12:18You'd bang a woman in the Klan?
12:19Well, yeah.
12:20She's a freak in the sheets.
12:25Well, you know, you don't hear much about the Klan anymore.
12:28Are they still doing the meetings?
12:29I bet they're on Zoom now.
12:32You think they Zoom like us?
12:33There's a guy at a desk, underwear on, just the hood, like, hey, everybody.
12:35How you doing?
12:37The head guy's up in the top square, like, white is right.
12:39We will not be silent.
12:40Some guy's like, Bob, you're on mute.
12:45So me and my hot guy friend go out to dinner the other night.
12:48I go, you want to get pizza?
12:49He goes, ah, I had pizza last night.
12:50I go, but you love pizza.
12:51He goes, well, I can't have the same thing every night.
12:53I said, well, don't get married.
12:54Yeah.
12:56That's what marriage is.
12:57Eating the same thing every night for the rest of your life.
12:59And you love pizza, but after a while, you got to get creative.
13:02You know?
13:03Sometimes while you're eating, you're like, hmm, maybe I'll pretend it's a calzone.
13:06Huh?
13:08Or maybe I'll have my friend eat it and I'll film it.
13:10Huh?
13:12And hey, look, it's no picnic for her either.
13:14She's like, thin crust again?
13:15I could use some deep dish.
13:22Anybody here married?
13:24Oh, hey, there you go.
13:26Yeah, being married's nice.
13:27You know, it's like being in the military, right?
13:28You wake up every day like, are we fighting?
13:31You going down?
13:33I don't even know how this war started.
13:35Sometimes I feel like a Vietnam vet.
13:37I'm like shell-shocked.
13:38I'll snap at my wife.
13:39My friend's like, whoa, why are you talking to her like that?
13:41I'm like, you weren't fucking there, man.
13:47Some guys get married like three times.
13:49You're like, wow, three tours, you went back?
13:51Holy shit.
13:53I know one guy left his last wife.
13:55She gave him gonorrhea.
13:56I was like, ooh, honorable discharge.
13:58Yeah.
14:01Oh, yeah.
14:02A war vet and a divorce guy.
14:04They are both grizzled.
14:05You know, you see a war vet, he's like,
14:06ah, I lost my leg and I ran.
14:08See a divorce guy, he's like, ah, I lost my house to Irene.
14:14And I'm in the doghouse now with the wife.
14:16She caught me looking at my For You page on Instagram,
14:19a little magnifying glass.
14:20For me, it's just a bunch of hot ladies twerking
14:21and Norm MacDonald clips, you know?
14:24She was like, what the hell's going on here?
14:27I was like, well, you know, algorithm.
14:33She goes, you know, that's not what real women look like.
14:35I'm like, I know.
14:36That's why I'm looking.
14:39She goes, you want to have sex with these women?
14:41I was like, hey, I'm just looking at them.
14:42Let's see your page.
14:43We open up her page, just cats.
14:48You want to fuck these cats or what?
14:53You got more explained to than me.
14:57Hey, look at that.
14:58We both like hairless.
15:03And I got to tell you, that algorithm,
15:05it's evil to women, really mean.
15:08My wife mentioned once she wanted to get a boob lift.
15:10Now she gets an onslaught of ads for breast implants,
15:12plastic surgery.
15:13It makes her feel bad.
15:14It's like, man, the iPhone is so smart,
15:16it can listen and send you a targeted ad.
15:17But it's not smart enough to not be insensitive.
15:19It's also not smart enough to know
15:20when she's in the shower,
15:21I take her phone and go,
15:22fake tits, fake tits, fake tits, fake tits,
15:25fake tits, fake tits, fake tits.
15:31I'm just messing around.
15:32My wife's great, you know?
15:34She's a good egg.
15:34I'm a lucky guy.
15:35But she is a venter.
15:36She likes to vent.
15:37She works from home.
15:38I'll be watching TV.
15:39She comes in.
15:40She's like, I hate my boss.
15:41My job sucks.
15:42My clients are idiots.
15:43I'm like, hey, maybe we should quit.
15:44Maybe we'll go on vacation.
15:45She's like, don't try to fix the problem.
15:47Just listen.
15:48I know that's a relationship trope.
15:50But I don't know if she realizes in my mind,
15:52I'm like, hey, if I fix this problem,
15:54I won't have to hear about it anymore.
15:56Huh?
15:58Yeah, I'm not trying to mansplain.
16:00I'm trying to woman silence.
16:02Right?
16:04Yeah.
16:06I thought fixing problems was a good thing.
16:08What if the fire department was like that?
16:09Holy hell, my house is on fire.
16:12I hear you.
16:16And I get it, ladies.
16:17You want to be heard?
16:17You want to be empathized with?
16:18I totally understand.
16:19But I was like, hey, look,
16:20if I ever come to you with a problem,
16:21please try to fix it.
16:22She was like, fine.
16:23What kind of problems do you have?
16:24I'm like, well, I got this weird thing
16:25where I'm watching TV
16:26and somebody comes in and starts yelling.
16:29So, yeah.
16:31If we get to the bottom of that,
16:32that'd be fantastic.
16:34Yeah.
16:35But we're doing good.
16:36We just had a baby,
16:37so that's something.
16:38Yeah.
16:39Oh, that's all right.
16:40That's all right.
16:40Oh, I appreciate it.
16:41Come on.
16:42Very nice.
16:44I appreciate it.
16:44It's not mine.
16:47But, uh...
16:48Yeah, we had it at a Jewish hospital
16:49in Midtown Manhattan.
16:50This place was Jewish.
16:51They had a Sabbath elevator.
16:53Never seen an ethnic elevator before.
16:54We tried to take the black elevator,
16:56but the shaft was too big
16:57and it was late.
16:58You know?
17:01Then the Italian elevator hit my wife.
17:03So...
17:05We went Amish.
17:05We took the stairs.
17:07Babies are hard.
17:08They just cry.
17:09You don't know what the problem is.
17:10You have to guess.
17:11You're like, what's going on?
17:12Hungry?
17:12Diaper?
17:13Israel?
17:13What's up?
17:14What do we have?
17:16So we're getting no sleep.
17:17So we hired a nice Jamaican lady
17:18to come in at night.
17:19She's been really cool.
17:20Super helpful.
17:21Although I think she's rubbing off on the kid.
17:22Now he smokes weed and he's homophobic.
17:27Boy, get yourself a Jamaican lady at the house.
17:29She will keep you in check.
17:30She says all the stuff you can't say.
17:32You know, my wife's like,
17:32I think I have postpartum depression.
17:34She's like, that is white lady bullshit.
17:36Oh, wow.
17:37How about that?
17:39She's like, why are you so awkward?
17:40I'm like, I had a weird childhood.
17:41She's like, you just a bitch.
17:43Okay.
17:45Thank you, Jamaican.
17:47But the baby's cute and fat and gay and I like him.
17:50But I'm not going to become one of those baby guys.
17:53You know those guys like, hey everybody,
17:54look at a picture of my kid.
17:55How about that?
17:56Like, ah, show me a picture of your wife.
17:59I don't know.
18:01Yeah, weird.
18:01Babies are the only relative you're allowed to show off
18:03how cute they are with a photo.
18:04You know, you can't be like, my sister's 17.
18:06Check it out, huh?
18:08Look at that.
18:09Yeah, I caught her at bath time.
18:11Ah.
18:15And you ladies are unbelievable.
18:17That female body is incredible.
18:19Ladies, when you're pregnant,
18:20you're treated like a celebrity.
18:21You're like, you're beautiful.
18:22You're gorgeous.
18:22Take my seat.
18:23How about an upgrade on this flight?
18:25Then once you have the kid,
18:26you walk on the plane with her,
18:27everybody's like, look at this fucking bitch right here.
18:30Thanks a lot, you dirty whore.
18:32You ruined everything, huh?
18:35Everybody likes the kid when he's in that soundproof booth.
18:38But once he's out,
18:39he's like a Puerto Rican on a bus with a boombox.
18:45Oh, yeah.
18:46Big difference.
18:47When he's in the stomach,
18:47you're like, ooh, I feel it kicking.
18:48When he's out, you're like,
18:49I'm probably gonna kick it.
18:53It is kind of crazy that I'm allowed to have a kid.
18:55Hey, I'm an idiot.
18:57Hey, I steal from airports.
18:59I take drugs from fans.
19:00My screen name is Queefmeister 3000, you know?
19:04Like, if I tried to adopt a kid,
19:06they'd look at my chart and go,
19:07what are you kidding?
19:07No way.
19:08But if you get drunk and forget to pull out,
19:09everybody's like, you're gonna be a great father.
19:12All right.
19:13Same guy.
19:14All right.
19:16And you gotta make big decisions with the kid.
19:17My friend goes, uh,
19:18you gonna send your kid to church?
19:19I was like, I don't know.
19:20Probably not.
19:21He's like, good.
19:22Some priest will diddle him.
19:24Now, I know that's like a big cliche,
19:26but I gotta be honest.
19:27I've been watching the news.
19:28I think more female teachers in Florida
19:29fuck kids than priests now.
19:32You guys seeing this?
19:33Every time I turn on the news,
19:34there's some skank in Tampa
19:35banging eighth grader, right?
19:38And at least with the priest,
19:39you know what to do.
19:40You're like, look at this creepy piece of shit.
19:42Then you see the girl in the news,
19:44and you're like, well, I'd fuck her.
19:48So it's wrong, just not as wrong, you know?
19:53Also, I noticed on the news,
19:55they never show the kid.
20:05Anyone else dying to see that kid?
20:11And I gotta tell you,
20:12if that was me, I'd be like,
20:13put me up there.
20:15This is my moment.
20:16Don't show her, show me.
20:17I'm a hero.
20:19I'll tell you, my kid does that,
20:21I'll be bragging about it, all right?
20:22Like, oh, your son made the honor roll?
20:24Wait till you see my bumper sticker, huh?
20:27Oh, she gave him an A?
20:28Well, he gave her the D.
20:32I feel like America's still new to female pedophilia.
20:34We're not sure how to act yet, you know?
20:35Male pedophiles, we got it down.
20:37Burn in hell, you son of a bitch.
20:38Female pedophiles are like,
20:39ah, where was that when I was a kid?
20:41Yeah.
20:44So, we're looking at schools now,
20:45which is tough for me,
20:46because I'm not allowed near them.
20:48But, um...
20:51But I'm not gonna lie to you fine folks,
20:53I'm worried about the boy.
20:54Because teenage boys are all screwed up now.
20:56I was watching 60 Minutes,
20:57they had a whole thing about how teenage boys
20:59are watching so much porn now,
21:00they don't have sex anymore.
21:02Then the same episode,
21:03it said teenage boys are watching shoot movies,
21:04and it makes you want to shoot.
21:06Well, which one is it?
21:08How come sex movies make you not want to have sex,
21:10but shoot movies make you want to shoot?
21:12I think because it's easier to get a gun in America
21:13than it is to get laid.
21:15Ladies, ladies,
21:17you have a much harder background check
21:18than a gun store.
21:20No guy's ever gone to buy a gun,
21:22the dude behind the counter's like,
21:23ah, I can't do it, man, you're 5'4".
21:28We got standards here at this Walmart.
21:33It is crazy to me we don't ask one question about women
21:35in the background check.
21:37That feels relevant.
21:38We should add that in.
21:38Guys are like, I'd like to buy one gun.
21:40Alright, fill out this paperwork,
21:41I need the phone number of two ex-girlfriends.
21:43Guy's like, ah, never had a girlfriend.
21:45No gun for you.
21:50A friend of mine, she asked me,
21:51she goes, why do men like guns so much?
21:52I was like, I don't know.
21:53I think because she gives you a little power.
21:55Because ladies, when it comes to sex,
21:56generally speaking, you have all the power.
21:58You can take a girl out all night,
21:59dinner, drink, she's like,
22:00this is fun, but it's not gonna happen.
22:02You bring a gun, you're like,
22:04I think it's gonna happen.
22:14I think that's why guys like guns.
22:19But now that I have a kid,
22:20all my friends with kids
22:21have to tell me horror stories about theirs.
22:23One of my friends, she's a teenage daughter,
22:25she's like, ugh,
22:25she's going through all these phases.
22:27First she went through a promiscuous pothead phase,
22:29now she's going through a Muslim phase.
22:31Like, I don't know what the hell to do with that.
22:33I was like, hey, slut to Muslim.
22:34That's not bad.
22:35Well, think about it,
22:36now she's on her knees five times a day
22:37for a different reason.
22:40And she could write a book
22:41from blowjobs to hijabs, huh?
22:45She's like, yeah, I guess,
22:47but you think she'll stop smoking weed?
22:48I was like, well, she is a Muslim woman.
22:50She could still get stoned.
22:55Uh-oh.
22:56Uh-oh.
22:57Muslim joke.
23:00All right.
23:03Well, you laughed at the Jew shit,
23:04just trying to keep it even.
23:05Yeah?
23:08My friend is Muslim.
23:09I ran that by him.
23:10He was like, yeah, I like the joke,
23:11but I feel like you cherry pick from the stereotype.
23:13She's not going off the full Muslim menu.
23:15I'm like, yeah, I guess you're right.
23:16I did kind of go a la carte.
23:23Well, you know, a baby.
23:24They're nice.
23:25They're fun, but they'll wear on a marriage.
23:26You got to keep it fresh.
23:27You got to keep it fun.
23:28I took the wife to Mexico City recently.
23:30That's a cool place.
23:31Although you can't drink the water there,
23:32so I got the diarrhea.
23:35Yeah.
23:36I was at a bar.
23:38Bart's going to hand me a cocktail.
23:39I drank it.
23:40And he goes, uh-oh, the ice cubes.
23:41Got to watch out with that ice, too.
23:42That'll take you out.
23:43He goes, I'm thinking about moving to America.
23:45You got any tips for me?
23:45I was like, yeah, watch out for ice.
23:51So, you know, we kept in touch.
23:53He's in a cage now.
23:55But, uh, sweet kid.
23:58I told that joke in Canada.
24:00Some guy goes, hey, I'm Mexican.
24:01I was like, whoa, you made it to level two.
24:05Well done, senor.
24:08I'll tell you, Mexico is old school.
24:10We went to a restaurant.
24:11The guy gave us the bill.
24:12My wife grabbed it.
24:12The guy goes, no, no, this is Mexico.
24:14The man must pay.
24:15We are traditional.
24:16We are old-fashioned.
24:17My wife was like, hey, I like that.
24:18I was like, ho-ho, you can't have an opinion.
24:21All right.
24:26The flight to Mexico sucked.
24:28First flight was delayed.
24:29You missed your connection.
24:30Second flight got canceled.
24:31What's going on with flights?
24:32I get so angry at the airport.
24:34I just want to yell at the guy at the help desk.
24:35But you know it's not his fault.
24:36The airport needs to hire a guy whose whole job is just to get yelled at.
24:40Get one of those S&M guys who likes being humiliated, you know?
24:44Now you go up to his desk like, you son of a bitch.
24:46He's like, whoa, whoa.
24:47Let me get the Delta Gimp.
24:50He yanks a leash, guy comes out full, leather, chain, zippers.
24:54Like, you cocksucking motherfucking asshole.
24:56Worthless piece of shit.
24:57He's like, this is the best job I ever had.
24:58Ah, yeah.
25:00Ah, yeah.
25:01Keep going.
25:02Ah.
25:03I got TSA pre-com.
25:05Ah, yeah.
25:09Worst flight out there?
25:11Australia.
25:11Did that one a month ago.
25:1223 hours.
25:13But it's worth it.
25:14That's a cool place.
25:15You know they had one shooting there?
25:16Got rid of all their guns?
25:18Fucking quitters.
25:21Well, you know Americans, we like guns.
25:23We even celebrate here with guns.
25:24Isn't that crazy?
25:25You'll see a parade, guy shooting at the sky.
25:27Saw a guy on the news, got shot, survived,
25:29so they gave him a 21-gun salute.
25:30Huh.
25:32That's a little on the nose.
25:33We don't do that with other deaths.
25:34Hey, Bob died of obesity.
25:35Well, we gotta have a buffet.
25:39Yeah, you heard Jeff died of chlamydia.
25:41I'll be at that funeral.
25:45Yeah, other cultures are fascinating.
25:46I went down to New Zealand.
25:47Their big stereotype is they have sex with animals.
25:50I said, that's crazy.
25:51I asked the crowd, one guy in the back goes,
25:52I've had sex with sheep before.
25:54I said, holy shit, what does that feel like?
25:56He goes, kinda like a deer.
25:58Ah.
26:00Wow, a deer, huh?
26:02That clears that up.
26:05What a psycho.
26:06My friend's a vegan.
26:06He's always giving me shit.
26:08What you do to animals is disgusting.
26:09I'm like, you gotta go to New Zealand.
26:11Alright?
26:13And once you have sex with an animal,
26:14you can't go back to women.
26:15Those days are over.
26:16Can't be like, hey, we should go out sometime.
26:18Like, sure, let's go to the zoo.
26:19He's like, uh, my exes are there.
26:21It's the whole thing, you know?
26:24Hey, I like animals.
26:25I've never had sex with one,
26:26but I'm a fan.
26:26Much like Asians.
26:29And, um...
26:30I'm a cat guy.
26:31I got a big cat at the house.
26:32My friends make fun of me.
26:34I like having a cat.
26:35I used to live with a heroin act in college.
26:36Cat and a heroin act, same roommate, right?
26:39Yeah, they both have crazy mood swings.
26:40They pass out anywhere.
26:42You catch them staring at you at four in the morning,
26:43you just gotta spray them with a squirt bottle.
26:45Yeah?
26:45You know?
26:47Cats do not give a fuck.
26:49I read an article about a guy once.
26:51He tried to blow his brains out,
26:52and his dog actually knocked the pistol out of his hand.
26:54I was like, wow,
26:55I think my cat would load the fucking gun.
26:59Cats are pricks.
27:00Dogs are at least helpful.
27:01They're in the police force, military, fire department.
27:04I've never seen a service cat.
27:06Even on a plane's an anxiety dog.
27:07Cute little terrier.
27:08You see a cat on a plane, you're like,
27:10that's a terrorist.
27:13And I know everybody loves dogs.
27:14I know dogs are man's best friend.
27:16Until you have drugs at the airport,
27:17then they'll ruin your life.
27:19Not a cat.
27:20They don't snitch.
27:21Cats are more like a shitty stepdad, right?
27:23They go out all night,
27:24they only come back to eat,
27:24and every now and then you wake up
27:26and they're in your bed.
27:29Just me?
27:30Okay.
27:33But hey, you gotta travel.
27:35You gotta get out.
27:35You go overseas,
27:36you realize how genuine people can be.
27:38We're getting pretty phony in America.
27:40You know what's a big trend here now?
27:41People use mental disorders as an excuse to be a dick.
27:44Seeing this, they'll be like,
27:45ooh, I didn't listen to a word you said.
27:47I have ADD.
27:48Sorry I didn't answer the phone.
27:49I'm neurodivergent.
27:50Sorry I can't help you.
27:51I struggle with depression.
27:52I notice people only claim their mental disorder
27:54when it makes them a victim.
27:56No one's claiming the other ones.
27:57No one's like,
27:58oh yeah, I stole your girlfriend.
28:00Ah, I'm a narcissist.
28:03Yeah, I did kill your dog.
28:05Sociopath.
28:07Sorry about your grandmother's funeral.
28:09That was on me.
28:10Necrophiliac.
28:13And I know that's a little offensive,
28:14but I'm autistic.
28:27But it's nice we can all come out and have a yuck,
28:29because AI's coming, folks.
28:31This is all going to go away.
28:33They say it's going to take all our jobs.
28:35That's scary.
28:36I went into chat GBT.
28:37I said, tell me an offensive joke.
28:38It said, we cannot do that.
28:40I said, all right, I'm still working.
28:44People are nervous, though.
28:45People are like, dude,
28:46when robots get human emotions,
28:47they're going to take over.
28:48All right.
28:49When robots get human emotions,
28:50they'll be insecure and depressed, too,
28:52and we can zing them, right?
28:54Now some robot steps to you.
28:55I'm here to dominate the human race.
28:57Yeah, you know, I saw your robot wife
28:58with a Black and Decker.
29:00What the fuck?
29:04She said a two-inch screw was enough.
29:09Now we're back on top.
29:12My friend is optimistic.
29:13He's like, dude,
29:14when sex robots get human thoughts, though,
29:15whoo, that's going to be hot.
29:17What are you kidding?
29:17When sex robots get human thoughts,
29:19they're not going to fuck you anymore.
29:21All right?
29:23That was the big appeal of the robot.
29:25If that thing gets too smart,
29:26you'll take it out of a closet.
29:27It's going to look at you and go,
29:28I have a headache.
29:31Shouldn't have left me in the closet.
29:32I'm gay now.
29:34There's always that one sex robot guy.
29:36You know that guy?
29:37How come she gets a vibrator?
29:39That's cool.
29:39I got a sex robot.
29:40I'm a weirdo.
29:42All right.
29:42It's a decent argument.
29:43But I think it's different for a woman.
29:45You find a woman's vibrator,
29:46you're like, hey, this chick fucks.
29:47You find a guy's sex robot,
29:48you're like, this guy does not fuck.
29:52You're trying to buy a full-size fake lady.
29:55You know?
29:55The vibrator's a tool.
29:56It fits in a drawer.
29:57Yours has eyebrows.
29:58Yeah?
30:00I love a vibrator.
30:01You can bring a vibrator into the bedroom with you.
30:03It'll, like, help you out.
30:03It's like a sexual intern.
30:05You bring a sex robot in the bedroom?
30:07She's like, what the hell is this?
30:08I'm like, this is a sexual immigrant.
30:09He's going to replace you if you don't step it up.
30:14I don't know.
30:14Like, I'm a dad now.
30:15If I found my daughter's vibrator,
30:16it'd be mildly embarrassing.
30:17If I found my son's sex robot under the bed,
30:19I'd be like, ah, please be a dead hooker.
30:24At least he had to talk to her.
30:27Yeah, a lot of big technological advancements lately.
30:29Ozempic?
30:30Where'd that come from?
30:31Well, I would've loved that as a kid.
30:32I was fat as hell.
30:34We had something different.
30:36It was called shame.
30:37Yeah.
30:39Remember that?
30:39It worked for hundreds of years,
30:40and then we got body positivity.
30:43Uh.
30:44Last ten years, all I heard was big is beautiful.
30:46Love the skin you're in.
30:47Body positivity.
30:48Then somebody went, we got a new drug
30:49that makes you thin without working out.
30:51Everybody went, put that directly in my asshole.
30:55What happened to body positive?
30:57You made me call you pretty, you fat fucks.
31:01Hey, you don't even believe it.
31:02You're full of shit.
31:04That's like going, black lives matter.
31:06Well, that black dude's choking over there.
31:07He needs mouth to mouth.
31:08What am I, fucking gay?
31:12You said they matter.
31:14Everybody's a liar.
31:15Like Lizzo.
31:16She was the fat champion.
31:17Now she's getting all skinny.
31:19What the hell?
31:19I like fat Lizzo.
31:20I stood behind her.
31:21He just couldn't see me.
31:24I was back there.
31:29You know what's a new thing I didn't see coming
31:30is cash is going away.
31:32No one takes cash anymore.
31:33Cash used to be king.
31:34Now it's like weird.
31:35I went to a dispensary.
31:37The guy goes, whoop, we don't take cash.
31:38I was like, dude, you're a drug dealer.
31:43You're supposed to be one of the cash people.
31:46Now I got to have weed on my banks, David?
31:47My mom's like, purple nurple.
31:49What the hell's that, huh?
31:51My friend goes, dude, cash is over.
31:52You got to get gold.
31:53Well, if no one's taking cash, who the hell's going to take gold?
31:57How's that going to work at a strip club?
31:58She's pretty hot.
31:59Bon.
32:02Can you imagine how sad a strip club is without cash?
32:05No more making it rain.
32:06No more 20 in the G-string.
32:07Just a lady waddling up to you like, hit the QR code on the clam.
32:10There you go.
32:11Yeah.
32:12That's me.
32:13I'm Cinnamon.
32:16I like cash.
32:17It's tangible.
32:18It's satisfying.
32:19I used to work as a waiter.
32:20You'd walk out of there with a big wad of cash.
32:21Felt great.
32:22Then my job after that was direct deposit.
32:24Eh, direct deposit.
32:25It's like a female orgasm.
32:27It's nice, but there's no proof.
32:33You know what direct deposit feels like?
32:35Feels like when you take a dump at an automatic toilet and you get up and it's gone.
32:38You're like, but I kind of want to...
32:42See how much it was.
32:45There goes the photo.
32:50I actually got caught going to a strip club recently by my wife.
32:53Yeah.
32:53I don't know how she caught me.
32:54I only talked about it on four podcasts.
32:58Uh...
32:58And I'm not a strip club guy, but it was a bachelor party.
33:01I had to go.
33:01But she was upset.
33:02She was like, what do you like, looking at tits and ass?
33:04I was like, no.
33:05It's just kind of fun giving a woman money and have her appreciate it.
33:08But, yeah.
33:15Oh, yeah.
33:15Some beautiful women there, though, I gotta say.
33:17Uh, black women.
33:18That's my weakness.
33:19That's my number one.
33:20I was staring at this beautiful black dancer.
33:22She caught me looking.
33:22She walked right up to me.
33:23She goes, 20 bucks.
33:24You can touch whatever you want.
33:26I go, I'm not falling by that.
33:27She goes, 20 bucks.
33:27Touch anything.
33:28All right.
33:29I gave her 20 bucks.
33:29I touched her hair.
33:30They kicked me out.
33:34I know.
33:35What the hell?
33:37It wasn't even hers.
33:41Oh, yeah.
33:42She was pissed.
33:42She took a swing at me.
33:43Hi, Bob.
33:44She weaved.
33:45Oh, yeah.
33:48Uh-huh.
33:50And I know racial stuff is touchy.
33:52I get it.
33:53I don't know if you guys saw this.
33:54I got dragged online recently for a cultural appropriation on accident.
33:58I went to a Mexican restaurant for my birthday.
34:01My friend told the waiter it was my birthday.
34:03The waiter put a sombrero on me.
34:04Took a photo.
34:05I posted it.
34:06I got 9,000 comments.
34:07Cultural appropriation.
34:09Colonizer.
34:09Racist.
34:10I was like, that Mexican bastard tricked me.
34:14He put the thing on me.
34:17And, look, I don't want to offend anybody, but isn't it a little strange?
34:19You can't wear a sombrero, but you can learn Spanish, eat Mexican food,
34:23have sex with Mexican women, have a Mexican child,
34:25but the hat, that's no bueno.
34:29How do you know what's okay and what isn't?
34:31That's all I'm asking.
34:32Just trying to figure it out.
34:33Like, if a little white girl wears a kimono,
34:37she's a cunt.
34:40According to the internet.
34:42Plus, she can learn Japanese, eat sushi, play Pokemon,
34:45fly into Pearl Harbor, all fine.
34:48But the kimono's a canono.
34:53And people go, well, look, man, you just can't wear stuff that belongs to other groups.
34:57Yeah, you can.
34:57What about drag queens?
34:58They're not women.
34:59We're all on board with that, right?
35:01Yeah, that's cool.
35:03Right?
35:04I don't know.
35:05Like, what about a lady with a strap on?
35:07I've got a dick.
35:08I'm not like, hey, that's our thing.
35:11And again, I'm not an idiot.
35:12I'm not gonna wear blackface or a turban.
35:14I'm just trying to figure it out.
35:16Like, I was using chopsticks the other day.
35:18My wife goes, oh, that's appropriation.
35:20I was like, well, where were you?
35:21She goes, I just did yoga.
35:22I'm like, well, that's Indian.
35:23And you work in IT.
35:27So what are we doing here?
35:29So we discussed and we realized you can do the thing.
35:32You just can't put up a photo.
35:33That's where they get you.
35:33And I think that makes sense.
35:35Because I'm circumcised, but I'm not Jewish.
35:37But they got mad when I posted that picture.
35:43I don't know.
35:44I thought it was all about the groups coming together
35:45and mixing and blending.
35:46I thought that was a good thing.
35:47Like, I saw a Muslim woman recently at a restaurant.
35:49She was chewing out the waitress.
35:50She was like, I want to speak to your manager.
35:52My friend goes, watch out for her.
35:53She's a real Karen.
35:54I was like, well, she's Muslim.
35:55She's more of a Koran.
36:01But I think we've made a lot of progress racially.
36:02We're not perfect, but we've made a lot of progress.
36:05I don't know why we hate admitting that so much.
36:06It's a good thing.
36:07You know how you can tell we made progress?
36:08The website Yelp.
36:09That's a good gauge for a society.
36:11This is a real Yelp I saw recently.
36:13Mmm, Shake Shack.
36:15That name's a little offensive to people with Parkinson's.
36:17Wow, really?
36:19We are out of problems, huh?
36:22That's where we're at?
36:23That's a good sign, though.
36:24Could you imagine Yelp in the 50s?
36:25People had real problems back then.
36:27Every review would just be a bunch of black people like,
36:29we didn't get in.
36:32Look good to the window.
36:33We'll try again in 14 years.
36:37America, one star.
36:40You know who I want to hear from is that first black family
36:43got let into the white restaurant after all those years.
36:45They finally sit down on the counter like,
36:47God damn, this food is bland.
36:49Holy shit.
36:50Good lord.
36:52MLK died for this?
36:54Coleslaw with raisins?
36:55Come on!
36:59Another sign of progress?
37:00Freak shows.
37:01Those went away.
37:02We got rid of them.
37:03Very insensitive.
37:04That was nice of us.
37:05I went to one as a kid.
37:06They were crazy.
37:06Guy had a top hat and a hunchback.
37:08He was like, step right up.
37:09We've got some most fucked up, disgusting creatures in all the land.
37:13Over here, we've got the 200-pound boy.
37:16Ugh.
37:17And the tattooed man, head to toe.
37:19And the bearded lady.
37:20Whoa.
37:21Like, wait a minute.
37:22A fat kid?
37:22A tatted up guy?
37:23And a trans woman?
37:24I can see all that on a JetBlue flight.
37:26All right.
37:28Those aren't freaks anymore.
37:29That's the exit row.
37:31That's progress.
37:34Kind of makes you wonder, what would a freak show now be?
37:36A modern-day freak show?
37:37A sheet you've never seen in society.
37:39Like, step right up.
37:40We've got the homeless Jew.
37:42Whoa.
37:45Never seen that before.
37:47And over here, the Mexican.
37:49Who can dunk?
37:50What?
37:53And the rarest of all, the funny lady.
38:00I'm just kidding.
38:02Joking.
38:02Some of my favorite comedians are lesbians.
38:08But all we talk about now is how divided we are.
38:10And we are.
38:11But we used to be a lot worse.
38:12We've got to remember that.
38:12Like, my grandmother is Sicilian, right off the boat, thick accent.
38:16When I was a kid, she'd put me on her lap.
38:17She was like, when I was a girl, I couldn't go to that party, that restaurant, that college.
38:21They didn't allow Sicilians.
38:23You're just thinking, Sicilian?
38:24That's so specific.
38:25But that's how it used to be.
38:26In old America, the Irish showed up on boats.
38:28And everybody's like, look at these blue-eyed, freckled, red-haired, potato-eating, drunk
38:31piece of shit.
38:33Then eventually, the Italians showed up.
38:35And everybody's like, look at these swarthy, meatball-greasy, wap-dago, guinea motherfuckers.
38:40Then eventually, black people showed up.
38:42And everybody's like, we've got to stick together.
38:49This is different.
38:52Then, then, then 9-11 happened.
38:55We're all like, hey, get over here, brother.
38:56We hate them now.
38:57You know?
38:58Well, that's what a country needs is a common enemy.
39:00A common enemy will always bring a country together.
39:02That's why we need aliens to land on Earth.
39:04Once Martians land on Earth, we can all come together as a human race and make them work at Amazon.
39:08Huh?
39:10Yeah, put down the leaf blower, Jose.
39:12Glurk-gurk's the real alien.
39:15You're one of us, baby.
39:19Then you're going to have some queef going, hey, you can't say alien.
39:21You've got to say unearthed person.
39:23Hey.
39:25You have two aliens in every movie.
39:26Two aliens, one cup.
39:31And you know where we get screwed up as a society?
39:34We think our differences are why we don't get along.
39:36Black versus white.
39:37Men versus women.
39:37Straight versus gay.
39:39But it's not the differences.
39:40Because when you think about it, all the groups that hate each other the most look exactly
39:43the same.
39:44Right?
39:44North Korea, South Korea.
39:46I mean, that's just one big squid game to me.
39:49I can't tell that apart.
39:51They look identical.
39:53Jew, Palestine, just a bunch of falafel slinging eyebrows out there, you know?
39:57They look very similar.
39:58The Bloods and the Crips, they'd live to wear different color clothing, just be like,
40:02oh shit, I almost shot you, man.
40:03Goddamn.
40:04Yeah.
40:05I'm telling you, all the groups that hate each other the most look exactly the same.
40:08Ireland, they've been fighting for centuries.
40:10Russia, Ukraine, bunch of angry vodka monkeys out there, you know?
40:15India, Pakistan, I mean, that's just a big diarrhea factory, I assume.
40:21Right?
40:22All the groups that hate each other the most look exactly the same.
40:25Women?
40:29Yeah.
40:34But I think it's good to have friends of other ethnicities, other races.
40:37You learn a lot.
40:38You can have real conversations.
40:39My black friend always blows my mind.
40:41He told me recently that white people have no culture.
40:43I was like, what?
40:44I couldn't believe it.
40:44I was like, we got stuff.
40:45We got NASCAR and Bass Pro Shop and kissing dogs on the mouth.
40:52We got New Balance, Monster Energy drinks, kale, speaking to the manager at school shootings,
40:58trailer park, hacky sack, banjo, line dancing, bland food, aging terribly.
41:06Uh, don't stop.
41:10That's white culture.
41:11All right.
41:13Always fascinating when a black guy says white people have no culture,
41:16because black people are the best at pointing out white culture.
41:19You ever watching Shark Week with a black friend?
41:21There's some scuba guy with ten sharks around him.
41:23Your black friend's like, that's some white people shit.
41:27That's just another term for white culture.
41:29Yeah, whitey's got stuff.
41:30When I was a baby, my dad taught me how to swim by throwing me in a pool.
41:33Do that to a black kid, that's a fucking homicide.
41:39That's honky shit right there.
41:42You know what else is white culture?
41:44Homoerotic behavior.
41:45I grew up with eight white dudes flicking me in the nuts,
41:47titty twister me, credit card swiping me.
41:49Try to teabag a black guy.
41:50He will shoot you in the face.
41:51All right?
41:53That is Cracker Barrel right there, boy.
41:58But my friend, he wouldn't let up.
41:59He's like, I'm just saying, you guys don't really contribute to society.
42:02I was like, whoa, what about the inventions?
42:04Car, radio, TV, photograph, flight?
42:06He was like, whoa, whoa, whoa.
42:07You didn't invent that stuff.
42:08Bunch of old white guys invented that.
42:10You can't take credit for that.
42:11All right, fair enough.
42:12Then he doubled down.
42:13Then he's like, and we would have invented that stuff if you didn't enslave us.
42:17I was like, well, I don't want to take credit for a bunch of stuff some old white guys did,
42:24huh?
42:26And he was like, ooh, that was slick.
42:27The way you weaseled out of that and didn't take any blame, that was good.
42:30I was like, yeah, that was some white people shit.
42:35But, you know, stereotypes are so dumb.
42:37That's why you got to make fun of them.
42:38Black people love chicken.
42:39I love chicken.
42:40Irish people are drunks.
42:41I'm a drunk.
42:43Islamist bomb.
42:44I'm...
42:45Ah, shit.
42:49We have any Irish here?
42:51Oh, hey.
42:52Well, Irish, you guys are fun because you guys get made fun of a lot and you never get offended.
42:56Rolls right off your back.
42:57Think about it.
42:57We have a drink called the Irish Car Bomb.
43:01This is the thing that's killed thousands of Irish people and we just order at a bar.
43:06No other group could handle that.
43:08Can I be like, uh, let me get a holocaust on the rocks?
43:12You know what?
43:13Scratch that.
43:14Give me a Sandy Hook.
43:15Make it a shooter.
43:19The Irish can take it.
43:23And they say the Irish are the N-words of Europe.
43:25And if you rearrange the letters in ginger, I'm just saying.
43:31But yeah, I like to drink.
43:33I've cut back quite a bit.
43:34I used to have a real problem in my 20s.
43:37Oof.
43:37We used to get drunk, play these crazy games.
43:39You guys ever play, uh, driving?
43:44You kill somebody, you lose, you know?
43:47Well, you youngsters, you got Uber now.
43:49Back in my day, we had to white-knuckle that puppy all the way home.
43:51Remember that?
43:52One eye open, you're like, ba-boom.
43:54Hope that was a mailbox.
43:55Oh, baby.
43:57Why would they put a mailbox in a playground?
44:02Uber gets no credit.
44:03They're heroes.
44:04They've saved so many drunk lives.
44:06Ambulance gets all the credit, but they showed up after the accident.
44:08Uber prevented the accident, right?
44:10Ambulance is the abortion.
44:11Uber is the condom.
44:12Yes.
44:14Uber has saved my life 10,000 times.
44:16And how do I thank them?
44:17Five stars.
44:19No tip.
44:23Now, texting and driving.
44:25That's the big worry now.
44:26And I'm guilty of that, too.
44:26I gotta cut that out.
44:27I was driving the other day.
44:28I was texting my friend.
44:29I was like, oh, man, I'm so fucking hammered.
44:35You guys ever do that?
44:36You ever on the highway for 20 minutes texting?
44:38You look up, you're like, whoa, that was actually really dangerous.
44:43I'm like four lanes over.
44:44I'm in a different town.
44:45I'm lucky to be alive.
44:47All right, I gotta stop texting and finish his beer.
44:49What the hell am I doing, huh?
44:52Yeah.
44:53All right, all right.
44:54Yeah.
44:59I got pulled over once for texting and driving.
45:01That was embarrassing.
45:02Cop was like, you know how dangerous that is, looking at a screen?
45:05I look at his car.
45:05He's got a goddamn laptop on the dash.
45:09You got a lot of nerve, copper.
45:12I got a tiny screen going with directions.
45:14You're watching Rodney King reruns over here.
45:15You know?
45:17Yeah.
45:19We worked it out.
45:20He let me go.
45:21Turns out we're both watching porn.
45:22So, all good.
45:26I don't know.
45:26I had a weird childhood.
45:27I grew up in New Orleans.
45:28You know, getting a DUI there is like our bar mitzvah.
45:31Yeah.
45:33Yeah.
45:33Wild time.
45:35Growing up in New Orleans is not great.
45:37Visiting, fun.
45:38Growing up in New Orleans is like having a dad who sells drugs.
45:41Your friend's like, well, this is awesome.
45:43I'm like, hey, I could use a hug and a vegetable.
45:45All right?
45:46You don't have to live here all the time.
45:48You know?
45:49Yeah.
45:50But now I'm trying to grow up.
45:52You know?
45:52Bought a little house in Brooklyn with the wife.
45:56Trying to be a grown up.
45:57So, I hired a stylish gay guy to decorate the house.
46:01My wife and this guy are fighting like cats and dogs.
46:03Butting heads on everything.
46:04He's looking at me like, what's all this about?
46:05And I realized, oh, you're gay.
46:07You've never argued with a woman.
46:10You don't know what you're in for, man.
46:11You brought a knife to a mass shooting.
46:13All right?
46:15She's good, too.
46:16She's bringing up old texts.
46:17Bringing up stuff from six months ago.
46:18I'm like, dude, you're at a spelling bee and she's Indian.
46:21You're cooked.
46:21All right?
46:24I tell you, it's weird watching your wife fight with another guy.
46:26Because it's usually me.
46:27So, I'm watching her make all these mistakes.
46:28I feel like a boxing corner man.
46:30I'm like, ooh, don't say calm down.
46:32Oh.
46:34What an amateur.
46:36Well, gay guys are the best, huh?
46:38Fun, non-violent.
46:39You never meet any violent gay guys.
46:41There's no gay gangs.
46:42That would just be a musical.
46:43Right?
46:46The only violent gay guy I can think of is Jeffrey Dahmer.
46:49That was a hell of a Netflix show, huh?
46:51I remember at one point they'd bring his dad in the police station.
46:54Like, sir, we have crazy news.
46:55Your son is a homosexual.
46:56He's a serial killer.
46:57And he's a cannibal.
46:58And it was set in the 80s.
47:00So, the dad was like, oh, he's gay.
47:02Jesus Christ.
47:04Hoo-wee.
47:06I don't know where I went wrong.
47:08The cop was like, no, no, sir, he's eating men.
47:10He's like, yeah, I got it.
47:16Oh, yeah, I have to watch all that true crime stuff
47:18because my wife is, uh, you know, a white woman.
47:21And, um, I don't know how you ladies watch this stuff.
47:24I'll be watching a boxing match.
47:25My wife's like, it's so violent.
47:26Change the channel.
47:27We put it on Dateline.
47:28It's a woman who was beaten to death with a tire iron.
47:29I'm like, hey, mine had a referee.
47:31All right?
47:33I go, what do you like about this?
47:34The murder?
47:35The violence?
47:35She goes, no, I like the scandal.
47:37I like the gossip part.
47:38I was like, ah, that makes sense.
47:39Because, ladies, when you're young, you start small.
47:41You're like, ooh, Billy kissed Susie under the bleachers.
47:43That's crazy.
47:44Then, after a while, you're like,
47:45ugh, I need incest and a hitchhiker.
47:47You know?
47:49Well, it's the same with men with porn.
47:50When I was 15, I was like, oh, my God, boobs.
47:52That's crazy.
47:53Then, after a while, you're like,
47:54ugh, I need incest and a hitchhiker.
47:57We're not gonna get political.
47:59Everything's so goddamn tribal now, it's brutal.
48:01Like, Taylor Swift, she endorsed Kamala Harris.
48:03People started burning her records.
48:05I was like, huh, nobody burned R. Kelly's.
48:10I feel like what he did was a little worse, you know?
48:12She's just voting for a lady.
48:13He's got ladies tied up in a dungeon, you know?
48:16I'm like, I'm a hypocrite.
48:17I didn't burn mine either.
48:18I peed on mine.
48:20That's not appropriate.
48:23Whole country's divided.
48:24You know, you go down to Texas,
48:25they got whole different rules down there.
48:26It's down in Texas.
48:28It's like, they're the land of the free, right?
48:29The land of the free,
48:30but you can't watch porn on your phone.
48:32Huh.
48:33Jerking off to Ted Cruz over here.
48:35I'm like, what the hell?
48:37I was like, okay, all right,
48:38so I can't look at porn, I can't buy weed,
48:40and I can't get abortion.
48:41What can I do?
48:42My friend's like, you can buy a gun.
48:43I'm like, well, I'm gonna need one
48:44to blow my brains out.
48:49All right, all right, there you go.
48:53And I know abortion's a real room divider,
48:55and a baby divider, but, um...
48:59Well, people say abortion is murder.
49:00I'm like, all right,
49:01well, murder's gonna trial.
49:03If you get an abortion,
49:04you'd be able to plead your case,
49:04might have a great reason.
49:05You know, girls in the courtroom,
49:07like, come on, Your Honor,
49:07I had to do it.
49:08I mean, I fucked a DJ.
49:12Self-defense at this point, you know?
49:15Judge's like, I didn't know that.
49:16You know what?
49:17Scratch it.
49:21Oh, yeah.
49:22Uh-huh.
49:23These are wacky times, you know?
49:25Like, I don't know,
49:26I've been a Democrat my whole life,
49:27but, uh, Democrats used to be a lot cooler.
49:30We were listening to rock and roll
49:31and doing drugs,
49:32and then we used to laugh at the right.
49:33Like, oh, look at these stiffs,
49:34going to church and burning rap records.
49:37Then a little time went by,
49:38and liberals got pretty queefy.
49:41Yeah?
49:42They were like the free speech people,
49:44and now they're like,
49:44don't joke about this,
49:45don't say that word,
49:46and you're like, man.
49:47Then you look at the little right,
49:48and they're like,
49:49we're saying retard over here.
49:50Just like that.
49:51Yeah.
49:52Yeah, that was pretty good.
49:54I don't know.
49:54I like that.
49:55I don't know.
49:57What happened to the left?
49:58The left feels like a girl
49:58you met in college.
49:59She was wild,
50:00as you would do Molly
50:01and blow you at a concert.
50:02Everything was great.
50:03Then you got married.
50:04Then you got a little stale.
50:06You got a little tense.
50:06Can't bring up anything.
50:07You have to agree on everything.
50:08You have to sleep on the couch,
50:10you know?
50:10And the right's like a girl
50:11with a thong coming out of her jeans
50:13and a tongue ring.
50:14You're like,
50:14well, I'm not going to marry her,
50:15but it'd be fun to dabble.
50:17You know?
50:20But you stay with the wife.
50:21She's a good person.
50:22You love her,
50:22but you just want to go,
50:23hey, you've changed, bitch.
50:25Yeah.
50:27I don't know.
50:28Everybody's just,
50:29we just have good box, bad box.
50:30You know?
50:31No one has any nuance.
50:32Nuance is out.
50:32Nuance is the new n-word.
50:34That's it.
50:34It's over.
50:36People want to know,
50:36what side are you on?
50:37I'm like, I don't know.
50:38You both seem fucking annoying.
50:40Right?
50:42Scary.
50:43Isn't that weird we have
50:43two political parties?
50:45No, we got five HBOs.
50:48Two political parties.
50:50And it just feels like the government.
50:51They're like your parents.
50:53They're not trying to help us.
50:54They're just trying to get back
50:54at each other.
50:55Your mom's a liberal.
50:57Your dad's a Republican.
50:58You're like, hey, Dad,
50:59you know, Mom,
50:59she's trying to give me free money.
51:00Your dad's like, well,
51:01she also tried to abort you.
51:02Like, Jesus Christ, okay.
51:04Sure.
51:05Whew.
51:06Fine.
51:06I'll live with you.
51:09Yeah.
51:10RFK, he's trying to take away
51:11my fucking Pop-Tarts.
51:13Yeah.
51:14Uh, no, it's...
51:16We could slim down a little bit.
51:18We're eating horrible food.
51:19But he's the real...
51:20He's the voice of a generation.
51:21Yeah.
51:23Yeah.
51:26Well, he was a liberal his whole life.
51:27Then Trump got shot
51:28and he got on board.
51:29I guess RFK figured,
51:30well, now that he's been shot,
51:31he feels like family.
51:32Ha, ha, ha, ha.
51:35Okay.
51:37Um...
51:37All right.
51:38Hey, comedy.
51:42Uh...
51:42But, you know,
51:43I'm gonna go pick up, uh...
51:45I picked up Kamala's book today.
51:46Read the whole thing.
51:47It's really long
51:48and had no point.
51:50But, um...
51:52Uh...
51:52Okay.
51:53But I think gay guys
51:54are gonna save this country.
51:56Every town I go to,
51:57there's always a local guy
51:58who goes, five years ago,
51:59you couldn't set foot in this area.
52:00Another but shootings,
52:01gangs, violence.
52:02I go, what happened?
52:03No matter where I'm at,
52:04they always say the same thing.
52:05The gays came in.
52:07I think gay guys
52:08are slowly fixing up neighborhoods
52:09and no one's talking about it.
52:10We should be airdropping gays
52:12into, like, Detroit,
52:13downtown L.A.,
52:14Newark, Memphis,
52:15South Bronx.
52:16Did you see those
52:17giant rainbow parachutes open up?
52:19Like, hey!
52:21We're getting a dog park!
52:26Yeah!
52:29Right?
52:31Yeah, Chicago's got some problems.
52:33Get the gays in there.
52:34Queer eye for the south side.
52:35Huh?
52:37What about the Middle East?
52:38They could use some pizazz.
52:39Let's put some gays in the...
52:41Scratch that.
52:43Yeah, gay guys are impressive.
52:45They're like bees.
52:45Just put them somewhere.
52:46They start working.
52:47Gay guys even talk like bees.
52:49She better work, honey.
52:50Yes, queen.
52:51Right?
52:53And the government's in shamble.
52:54Let's get some gays in the government.
52:55I always hear we need
52:56a female president
52:57or a president of color.
52:58Let's try a gay president.
52:59Forget MAGA.
53:00Let's go FAGA.
53:04Thanks a lot.
53:05I'm Kevin Hart.
53:05You guys are great.
53:07Coming!
53:31You guys are the only one!
53:32My name is gullible.
53:33I love you!
53:35And I?
53:44This is all the time.
53:44I love you.
53:45I love you!
53:46This is awesome!
53:47You love you!
53:47You love you!
53:47You love you!
53:48I love you!
53:48You love you!
Comments