00:01Welcome to News Afternoon, the first television news of the day.
00:06There was a time when news was a noble trade, built on a foundation of journalistic integrity.
00:13But then it became salacious and just plain stupid.
00:18Police confront a man with more pussy than he knows what to do with.
00:22All thanks to one visionary news team.
00:27Good evening.
00:28Tonight's top story is crack.
00:31I understand we have some crack and we're going to smoke it right here in the studio.
00:35Oh, whoa, whoa.
00:37You feel that right away.
00:38It's just refreshing.
00:40Mr. Burgundy, you are the worst anchorman I have ever seen.
00:45Aren't you the guy who lost his job to his wife?
00:48Tonight, I interview Yasser Arafat.
00:50Why do we have to tell the people what they need to hear?
00:54Why can't the news be fun?
00:55Yay!
00:56While some experts say silicone breast implants are dangerous, I say, bring on the fun bags.
01:02Our ratings went through the roof.
01:04Turn it off!
01:04You're a success!
01:06You're not black or Asian.
01:08What are you?
01:09I'm gay.
01:10Do you sleep in a coffin?
01:11No, that's vampires.
01:12Are you allowed to be out in the sun?
01:14Those are also vampires.
01:15Are you a vampire?
01:17No, I'm gay.
01:18Who's hungry for some chimichangas?
01:20Best thing I ever did was install this deep fryer in the bagel.
01:23Hey, who's driving?
01:24It's okay.
01:24It's on cruise control.
01:26He says we're all gonna die!
01:28Oh, no!
01:34Where's my map?
01:36Look at the monitor.
01:37Yeah.
01:37Oh, where's my legs?
01:38I don't have any legs, Ron.
01:40Brick, it's because you're wearing green pants.
01:50I have a date.
01:53We need to get you a little protection.
01:55Brian Fantana's world-famous jimmy cabinet.
01:58Is he anything you like?
01:59The responsible pirate?
02:01Sleeve it to beaver?
02:02I know, Brian.
02:02What about the hooded guest?
02:03I've had four of my seven illegitimate children using this condom.
02:07But, Brian, isn't that the whole point of wearing a condom?
02:09To not impregnate the woman?
02:11Well, you know the old expression.
02:13Nope.
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