00:00Welcome.
00:02And most importantly, congratulations.
00:06Congratulations to everyone who's nominated tonight.
00:08Thank you for letting me be a part of this.
00:10I'm excited.
00:11I've never been to the Oscars before.
00:13This is my first time here.
00:14And the way you people go through hosts is probably my last time here.
00:17So I'm going to enjoy this while I'm here.
00:20This broadcast is being watched live by millions of Americans
00:23and around the world in more than 225 countries that now hate us.
00:28And I think that is an amazing thing.
00:36As you know, I don't have to tell anybody.
00:39The country is divided right now.
00:41I've been getting a lot of advice.
00:43People have been telling me it's time to bring everyone together.
00:45You need to say something to unite us.
00:47And let's just get something straight off the top.
00:50I'm not, I can't do that.
00:52That's not, there's only one Braveheart in this room
00:55and he's not going to unite us either.
00:58Okay?
01:04Mel, you look great.
01:05I think the Scientology is working.
01:06I really do.
01:09I'm not the man to unite this country, but it can be done.
01:13You know, if every person watching this show,
01:15I don't want to get too serious,
01:16but there are millions and millions of people watching right now.
01:19And if every one of you took a minute to reach out to one person you disagree with,
01:23someone you like, and have a positive, considerate conversation,
01:27not as liberals or conservatives, as Americans,
01:30if we would all do that, we could make America great again.
01:33We really could.
01:34It starts with us.
01:36And tonight, in the spirit of healing and bringing people together,
01:40I would like to bury the hatchet with someone I've had issues with.
01:48Matt Damon.
01:50Matt Damon.
01:50Now, Matt, I've known Matt for a long time now.
01:52You know what?
01:53I've known Matt so long, when I first met Matt, I was the fat one.
02:02And we've had problems.
02:03He's a selfish person.
02:05Those of you who've worked with him know this.
02:07But Matt did something very unselfish, and I want to commend him for it.
02:11For real.
02:12Matt, as you probably know, could have starred in Manchester by the Sea.
02:15He was the producer.
02:16It's nominated for six Oscars, including lead actor.
02:20And he could have taken that lead actor part for himself, but he didn't.
02:26And he gave that role to Casey Affleck, his childhood friend.
02:29He handed what turned out to be an Oscar-caliber role over to his friend
02:33and made a Chinese ponytail movie instead.
02:42And that movie, The Great Wall, went on to lose $80 million.
02:48Smooth move, dumbass.
02:51See, it's so easy to reach out and heal.
02:54And I want to say, maybe this is not a popular thing to say,
02:58but I want to say thank you to President Trump.
03:01I mean, remember last year when it seemed like the Oscars were racist?
03:08That's gone.
03:10Thanks to him.
03:12What an, uh, it has been an amazing year for movies.
03:15Black people saved NASA and white people saved jazz.
03:18That's what you call progress.
03:22A little movie musical named La La Land ties the all-time Oscar record.
03:28It was directed by Damien Chazelle.
03:3014 nominations.
03:32Jeez.
03:3514 nominations.
03:36One for every year Damien has been alive.
03:41Tonight is very important for Damien.
03:43If he wins, he'll be able to go to any college he wants.
03:46So, he wished you the best.
03:48The movie business is changing.
03:50It's the first time ever Amazon is represented at the Academy Awards.
03:54Amazon is the first streaming service nominated for Best Picture.
03:58Jeff Bezos is the founder and CEO.
04:00And I want to say congratulations to Jeff.
04:02You know, uh, and I also want you to know, Jeff, if you win tonight,
04:05you can expect your Oscar to arrive in two to five business days.
04:11Possibly stolen by a Grubhub delivery man.
04:14Amazon produced Manchester by the Sea.
04:17That was a fun movie, wasn't it?
04:21You know, if you search for Amazon, uh, Manchester by the Sea on Amazon,
04:24it says customers who bought this item also purchased Zoloft.
04:30I don't know what's going on, but there are a lot of sad movies this year.
04:34Of all the nominees, the only happy ending of all the nominees
04:36was the one in the middle of Moonlight.
04:44You didn't watch it, did you?
04:47Oh, we love it so much.
04:49The incredible Denzel Washington is nominated for Fences,
04:53a movie he also directed.
04:56I don't know, you've probably heard the story, but, uh,
04:58of how it came together.
04:59Apparently Denzel had always wanted to work with Denzel,
05:03and just so happened that their schedules worked out,
05:06and the rest is Oscar history.
05:07Congratulations to you, my friend.
05:09We have friends and colleagues visiting from all around the world tonight.
05:12The great actress from France, Isabelle Huppert, is here with us.
05:18Isabelle, as you know, is nominated for her performance in the movie Elle,
05:22and on behalf of everyone here, I would like to say,
05:25we didn't see Elle, but we absolutely loved it.
05:28You were amazing in that film,
05:31and I am glad Homeland Security let you in tonight.
05:34I really am.
05:34We are very welcoming to outsiders here in Hollywood.
05:37We don't discriminate against people because,
05:39based on what countries they come from.
05:42We discriminate against them based on their age and weight.
05:47Andrew Garfield lost 40 pounds.
05:50Where is Andrew?
05:50You can barely even see him, he got so thin.
05:53There he is.
05:54He lost 40 pounds for his role in the movie Silence.
05:56It was an astonishing physical transformation
05:59that hasn't been attempted since every actress in every role ever.
06:05Viggo Mortensen, who's terrific, is nominated for Best Actor for his performance
06:10in the movie Captain Fantastic, and it is so well-deserved.
06:17Too often the Academy only recognizes movies that people have seen,
06:21and I just think it's wonderful.
06:24We are here tonight to honor great actors,
06:27but we're also here to honor the actors who seem great,
06:31but actually really aren't.
06:32And of all the great actors here in Hollywood,
06:36one in particular has stood the test of time
06:38for her many uninspiring and overrated performances.
07:01from her mediocre early work in The Deer Hunter and Out of Africa
07:06to her underwhelming performances in Kramer vs. Kramer and Sophie's Choice,
07:11Meryl Streep has phoned it in for more than 50 films
07:15over the course of her lackluster career.
07:18This is Meryl's 20th Oscar nomination.
07:24She's even more, made even more amazing
07:26considering the fact that she wasn't even in a movie this year.
07:29We just wrote her name down out of habit.
07:32Meryl, stand up if you would.
07:33Everybody, please join me in giving Meryl Streep
07:35a totally undeserved round of applause, will you?
07:48The highly overrated Meryl Streep, everyone.
07:53We're going to have fun tonight.
07:56I hope we're going to have fun tonight.
07:57Nice dress, by the way.
07:59Is that an Ivanka?
08:02This is exciting.
08:03I think it's important that we all, I know we've all seen it all,
08:06but it's important that we take a second to appreciate what is happening here.
08:10We're at the Oscars, the Academy Awards.
08:13You're nominated.
08:14You've got to come.
08:16Your families are nominated.
08:17Some of you will get to come up here on this stage night
08:20and give a speech that the President of the United States
08:23will tweet about in all caps during his 5 a.m. bowel movement tomorrow.
08:29And I think that's pretty darn excellent, if you ask me.
08:33So let's get going.
08:34It's time for our first category of the night, supporting actors.
08:37It's what most actors' parents are still doing, supporting actors.
08:42Do you love clicking buttons and subscribing to things?
08:45Then click the button to subscribe to my channel,
08:48and you'll finally be happy.
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