- 19 hours ago
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:03Good morning, USA.
00:06I got a feeling that it's gonna be a wonderful day.
00:10The sun in the sky has a smile on his face, and he's...
00:14What the hell? Where's the boy and the lady?
00:17Steve, sick.
00:20I'm gonna give Snugglepuss all my hugs
00:24so you can have them with you all day long.
00:30Hmm...
00:30Now let's get you all tucked in.
00:33Tuck, tuck, tuck, tuck, tuck, tuck, tuck, tuck, tuck, tuck.
00:35What in the name of Jesus Jones is going on here?
00:38Caught myself a nasty little cold.
00:40And you know that when Steve is sick
00:43is the only time I ever baby him, so I go hard.
00:47Mama, can I have one more ginger ale?
00:51Yes, my little baby boy can have one more ginger ale.
00:55I can't believe you're staying home from school for a cold.
00:59You know what I do when I get sick?
01:00Power through.
01:01Power through.
01:02Name an illness.
01:03Botulism, Legionnaire's disease, herpes.
01:06I've powered through them all.
01:07Wait, you have herpes?
01:08Sure.
01:08Pop some echinacea, a whole box of non-drowsy cold meds.
01:12Whatever you gotta do.
01:13But never bend the knee.
01:14Because that makes you,
01:16and you know I don't like this word, Steve,
01:18a cold cuck.
01:20Everyone gets sick and has to stay home sometimes.
01:23Not me.
01:24Never taken a sick day in my life.
01:25Don't have that luxury, working at the CIA.
01:27That place would fall apart without me.
01:29And look how late you cold cucks have made me already.
01:34Hey!
01:37Mmm.
01:41Jeff, one other thing Francine does every morning
01:43that a lot of people don't realize
01:44is she clicks the garage door open for me
01:47after I go out the front door.
01:48There's a clicker inside?
01:50There must be.
01:50So you're just gonna stand there
01:51looking surprisingly hot in that dress?
01:53You're gonna help me look for it.
01:54You could have let me do my key kick, Stan.
01:57I missed a breakfast meeting for this.
02:00I'll show you a cold cuck.
02:09Why don't you power through this?
02:14Not bad.
02:16But can you do this?
02:21That's, uh, that's really great, Roger.
02:26I'll see you later.
02:28Steve, come back!
02:29I'm stuck!
02:39You're certainly keeping busy.
02:40Hey, it's crunch time, Jackson.
02:42All hands on deck.
02:44Hey, Stan, can you clear a paper jam
02:46in the copy machine for me?
02:47I am the paper jam expert.
02:54Ah, well, dirty little secret about paper jams
02:57is they never get cleared
02:58till you get a whole new machine.
03:05Something about this sandwich
03:07tastes amazing.
03:10Francine, baby, you've done it again.
03:18Why are you so happy?
03:20Didn't I hear you had the clap or something?
03:21A cold.
03:22And not even that for long,
03:24because I am officially on the...
03:26upswing.
03:27What the hell was that?
03:29Johnny Carson?
03:30I guess he did a golf swing or something?
03:32I've seen it referenced.
03:33Anyway, how are you feeling this fine morning, Dad?
03:38I seem to have caught that cold of yours, Steve.
03:41Oh, no.
03:42I'm so sorry.
03:45So I guess you'll have to stay home and rest now, huh?
03:48Ha!
03:49Quite the opposite.
03:50I might work late, run some errands after,
03:52maybe squeeze in a workout down at Muscle Beach.
03:55That's right.
03:56It's time to power through.
03:59Power through!
04:03Power through!
04:04Gee, Stan, shouldn't you go home and rest?
04:07And leave you guys high and dry during crunch time?
04:14You okay, Stan?
04:15Power through!
04:16Power that big ass!
04:20Stan!
04:21Stan!
04:22Stan!
04:22Stan!
04:23No spot!
04:23No freaking spot!
04:24Get the hell away, bro!
04:30Cryptocurrency!
04:43I'm not quite feeling better yet.
04:45A hundred and three.
04:47Stan, please.
04:48You really need to stay home today.
04:50Mm, yeah.
04:51But then again, wouldn't that make him a cold cock?
04:56Steve!
04:56No, Francine.
04:57The boy is right to taunt me.
04:58I can't lose sight of the most important thing of all.
05:01The importance of powering through.
05:03But I'll need something stronger than vitamin C for this one.
05:06And I think I know just who to talk to.
05:11Who?
05:12I got in there!
05:15Weitzman, Dr. Dubs.
05:16What up, my brother?
05:17Listen, I need to tear this cold a new one.
05:20Why don't you just go home and rest?
05:22Dream on.
05:23They just need me too much upstairs.
05:25Crunch time.
05:25But you gotta have some kind of top secret super immune booster or something around here, right?
05:30Well, yes, but I'm also cooking up some extremely dangerous experimental pathogens here.
05:35You should really put on one of these.
05:37Oh, strap on a chin diaper?
05:39No thanks.
05:40Go woke, go broke.
05:41How about you just make with that immune booster already?
05:46Oh, God.
05:53Maybe you better take two.
05:59You're feeling better today, hon.
06:13You take a bat and a pangolin and mix them both together.
06:17Let the bat bite the pangolin, he doesn't feel better.
06:21Take the bat and the pangolin and shake them both up.
06:24And when you jab that same pangolin, you've made a deadly superbug.
06:28I said, Dr. Weitzman.
06:31I said, Dr. Weitzman.
06:35Oh, maybe it's a telemarketer.
06:37A beautiful telemarketer?
06:40Whatever you're selling, I'll buy it!
06:42Weitzman, what the hell did you do to my husband?
06:45He's practically on his deathbed here, right after seeing you in your lair.
06:51It's a lab, not a lair.
06:53Whatever!
06:54He said you gave him some kind of experimental super drug!
06:59I did.
06:59But apparently it wasn't strong enough to protect him from the experimental superviruses he exposed himself to in my lair.
07:07Oh, great.
07:07Now you got me saying it.
07:09Supervirus?
07:10Now, don't worry.
07:11So far, none of the diseases I've made have been able to be transmitted from person to person.
07:15To my great shame.
07:17What about Stan, though?
07:18What's his prognosis?
07:20I'm afraid that...
07:21I don't know that word.
07:22But Stan can expect to experience brittle bones, parasites, incontinence, and baby-level weakness.
07:29So he might want to take it kind of easy.
07:33Stan, honey, you're very, very sick.
07:36I'll call Bullock and let him know you won't be coming in.
07:39No.
07:41Start the music.
07:52Sun in the sky.
07:55Smiling.
07:56Saloons.
08:06Holy crap.
08:07I gotta get out of here.
08:10Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
08:13Hey, Bullseye.
08:16Geez, Stan, you sure you shouldn't be home resting?
08:19Can't let the team down.
08:21Gotta power through.
08:27Uh-oh.
08:31It took three paramedics and a senior Xerox technician to get your father out of that copy machine.
08:39And this is somehow my fault?
08:41Yes!
08:41I know you got your dad sick on purpose.
08:45Well, he deserved it, all right?
08:47With all his stupid macho powering through BS.
08:51Listen, right now, all you need to worry about is making sure your dad does whatever he has to to
08:57get better.
08:58Or you're gonna need a doctor yourself.
09:00Capiche?
09:01But I'm your little baby boy, remember?
09:05That's only when you're sick.
09:07So either catch a cold or go to hell.
09:15Hmm.
09:20Hmm.
09:22Stan, I'm going to list a series of four numbers, and after I finish, I'd like you to repeat them
09:27back to me.
09:2816, 5, 37, 10.
09:33Hmm.
09:35It seems your father has a brand new disease never before encountered by medical science.
09:41Which means he gets a gift certificate to Menchies!
09:46Congratulations.
09:47So what's going to happen to him?
09:49On the one hand, well, have you ever heard of being dead?
09:52Yes?
09:53Your father might suffer the most horrible, agonizing death imaginable.
09:59But then again...
10:01Something really bad might happen.
10:04Stan might eventually regain some of his strength and vitality, but totally lose his mind.
10:11He'll lose all sense of who he is, of even being human, and become a deranged, feral, bloodthirsty killing machine.
10:20Oh, my God! What can we do?
10:22Nothing!
10:23Except rest.
10:25If he just stays in bed and rests for a few days, he might get better.
10:33All right, Dad. I'm gonna save your life if it kills you.
10:36A little extra drowsy night quell ought to get you the rest you need.
10:41Gotta get to work.
10:44Get back here, you little rascal!
10:47Must power through!
10:56Just gonna go upstairs. Get my briefcase.
11:03Now you're gonna take your medicine, mister.
11:10Something's up with the car.
11:14What is it with you? Why do you refuse to just stay home and rest? Why?
11:19Crunch time.
11:20Ah! Open up!
11:26Now go. To. Sleep!
11:31Finally.
11:40Brother, I have earned this.
11:45Dad? Oh, God, no!
11:53Dad?
12:00Oh, Steve, have you seen the big remote?
12:04Stan, have you seen the big remote?
12:12What?
12:13What?
12:14Doc, what do I do? My dad turned into a monster like you said!
12:18Oh, that's interesting. But I'm actually a little busy right now.
12:22Looks like your dad's disease has spread.
12:25Yeah!
12:26Oh, also, there was a problem with your insurance.
12:34Uh-oh.
12:36Don't worry, I found the remote.
12:41Don't worry.
12:42Don't worry.
12:43Don't worry.
12:43Don't worry.
12:44We've got an unforgiving super contagion moving on through here to the north, east, west, and south, transforming everyone it
12:52comes in contact with into kill-crazy murder goblins.
12:55So if you're heading out to enjoy those fall colors, make sure to pack a machete, abandon all hope for
13:01the future of humanity, and bring an umbrella!
13:03Because we might be seeing a few sprinkles out there, too.
13:06And with that, I'm gonna throw it back to Greg and flee in terror from him!
13:11Wait, Greg, no! No! No!
13:16Looks like that's it for the power.
13:18I'm just glad we were able to find a way to both stay safe from your father and maintain his
13:23dignity.
13:26Mr. S is scooting again.
13:29Someone needs to take him number two.
13:31Ah, dang it.
13:33Be careful, babe. He will pull out your intestines if he gets the chance.
13:36And there's no way in or out of the house now, so have him do his business in Klaus's alcove.
13:40I just absolutely don't trust him.
13:43One thing I don't get, how come none of us have gotten sick?
13:47Ahem.
13:48Family exposed to stand original cold before combined with Weitzman virus to make superbugs, therefore immune.
13:59Sounds plausible to me.
14:00Ever since he got that little lab coat and glasses, he just seems so smart.
14:04Uh, guys? I think I might have messed something up here.
14:18What are we gonna do? We're trapped in here. We'll starve!
14:22No, look! There's still some crackers left from when Steve was sick.
14:25But we'll need to ration them, though, really make them last.
14:28I have a feeling we might be here a while.
14:33I still can't believe Roger ate all the crackers right after he said that.
14:37Hey, I said I was sorry, and it was three days ago now.
14:42Shh.
14:47I'll get it!
14:48No, Joe!
14:49No!
14:50It's okay, he's down at the end of the hall now, biting the head off a rat.
14:54We, on the other hand, have no food, no water, and we're trapped in here with a monster.
14:58We're all gonna die.
15:08Do not panic! I'm here to help!
15:12Ah! Why did I wear shorts?!
15:18Okay, first things first. Who'll rub some aloe on my thigh burns?
15:24What the...?
15:27I'm human.
15:28So, it looks like your super bug was transmissible after all.
15:33I know! Which was a much-needed boost for my self-esteem.
15:36But listen, since Stan was patient zero, if my team of tactical EMTs here can just get a sample of
15:43his blood,
15:43we should be able to make a cure from it.
15:47You sure they'll be able to pull this off?
15:49Do I look nervous?
15:57Oh, God! What am I gonna do?! I...
15:59Oh, no! I'm going!
16:05It's all coming out now! I can't stop it!
16:11It's up to us now. Short Straw goes out there to get Dad's blood.
16:15Nah! Nope! Steve, you're going! This is your mess! You clean it up!
16:21Fine. What is that?
16:26Looks like he made some kind of caveman version of his office.
16:30Unbelievable! He's fully transformed into a deranged rat-head-eating animal, and he's still trying to go to work!
16:37I think he's saying something.
16:40At a crunch time, Stan help! Stan useful!
16:45The hell is this jabroni's deal?
16:46Clearly, job-only remnant of old human self, Stan, remember, because so central to sense of self-worth.
16:58The coat and glasses again.
17:01And that's why he's never been able to rest, to take a sick day from work, because it would mean
17:07having to admit they really could get by without him.
17:10And then he wouldn't feel needed. Wouldn't feel... useful. And to him, if he doesn't feel useful, then he feels...
17:19worthless. Right, Rogu?
17:22I guess.
17:23That's so sad.
17:25But we can use it!
17:26What do you mean?
17:27If I pretend to be one of his co-workers, maybe I can get close enough to draw his blood.
17:32Right. So we just need to think of the name of one of Dad's co-workers.
17:37Right. Who's the one with the face, uh, always wears the clothes?
17:42Jackson!
17:43Right. Jackson.
17:44What does Jackson sound like?
17:46You know, Jiction. I'm Jiction.
17:49That's not Jackson. Jackson's more like,
17:52It's me, Jackson.
17:54I'm Jackson.
17:55I'm Jackson.
17:57Jackson.
17:58Jackson.
17:59Jackson.
17:59Alright already, I got it!
18:04Good luck!
18:11Looks like Dad's really developed a taste for rat heads.
18:15Okay, I'm at the attic stairs now.
18:19I'm going up.
18:22What do you mean, Mr. Porter?
18:24Oh, you're welcome.
18:30I'm not.
18:30Who, Ian.
18:31Oh, you're welcome.
18:35If you're watching.
18:37Hello, we're gonna be on video!
18:38Pull up your car, we're getting on video.
18:39Whatever.
18:39Whoa!
18:39You're gonna be on video.
18:40Come over here.
18:40Yeah, dude.
18:43You're doing all the things that you're dating.
18:43You need to be on video.
18:46Yeah, dude.
18:55That's it now. Nice and easy.
19:09Are those Steve's pajama pants?
19:19Leg. Broken. Wounds. Bleeding. Speech. Halting. And I didn't get the blood sample.
19:29That's okay, Steve. You did your best. Just come on back.
19:38No. I need to power through.
19:42What's powering through?
19:50I need absolute radio silence.
20:12Hey, if you have a chance, grab some more crackers.
20:19Dad, please. I need you to be you again.
20:23You don't need to be important at work.
20:26You don't need to be useful.
20:29All you need to be is you.
20:32Stan. Dad. You're enough.
20:35Please, just be you.
20:39Just be... me?
20:45Maybe I'll just lie down for a little rest.
20:57And on a personal note, with the virus now eradicated and life returned to normal, I'd like to apologize to
21:02anyone I may have offended or dismembered during the outbreak.
21:05Water under the bridge, Greg.
21:08All right. Let's get you all tucked in.
21:11Tuck, tuck, tuck, tuck, tuck, tuck, tuck, tuck, tuck, tuck, tuck, tuck, tuck, tuck.
21:15There. Think you'll be heading back into work tomorrow?
21:17Nah, I'm gonna take a few more days to recover. They can manage till I get back.
21:23Hey, Steve.
21:25Yeah, Dad?
21:25Can I have one more rat head?
21:28Sure thing. Right after you get some sleep.
21:32Bye. Have a beautiful time.
Comments