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00:00:06New York City Fashion Week
00:00:08But something's missing
00:00:10Danger
00:00:11Excitement
00:00:13Zoolander
00:00:21Windburn
00:00:25I think we hooked him, Zoom crew
00:00:27Now let's show him the four wonders of the modern world
00:00:37Derek, Hansel, you saved my show
00:00:40No, Nani, your amazing clothes saved the show
00:00:43It's an honor to wear the designs of the fashion world's boy genius
00:00:47I'm a girl
00:00:49Derek, Hansel, you're not going to believe this
00:00:52One of the Kardashian sisters just got attacked by an alien
00:00:55Oh, no
00:00:56Was it Chloe?
00:00:58I don't know the name of the alien
00:01:00But you've got to stop that thing before it strikes again
00:01:02We're on it, Maury
00:01:04Falcon Claw
00:01:09Always through the ceiling
00:01:11Yeah, I'll talk to him about it
00:01:14Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo
00:01:17In a loft in the heart of Sono Wonoboho
00:01:19There lives the world's most handsome hero
00:01:22Zoolander, supermodel
00:01:24I'm not just a model
00:01:25I'm also a superhero
00:01:27And a model
00:01:28And his hot partner in sexy crime fighting, Hansel
00:01:31Anybody up for a quick quinoa break?
00:01:34Derek's looks are as powerful as they are beautiful
00:01:37Chewy
00:01:41Together, they face down the dark forces of fashion
00:01:44The red carpet
00:01:47The paparacto
00:01:50Dr. Botoxo
00:01:54The bouncer
00:01:55And Gorilla Galliano
00:01:59Wherever good-looking people are in danger
00:02:02Derek and Hansel will be there
00:02:05Volumizing hold
00:02:08With the help of their trusted agent, Maury Ballstein
00:02:12You want my boys to work for scale?
00:02:14What am I, a schmendrick?
00:02:15Ace reporter Matilda Jeffries
00:02:17Cool bronzer
00:02:19Why do I date you?
00:02:21Their faithful sidekick, Accessory
00:02:23Hello
00:02:23Their android stylist, Frankie JPEG
00:02:28Ech, those outfits are like, ech, destroy
00:02:33And your narrator, me, Tim Gunn
00:02:37It's the thrilling adventures of Zoolander, supermodel
00:02:42An alien attacking celebrities?
00:02:44Yikes, maybe this flashback will explain
00:02:57Hot tomato soup
00:03:12Where you going, tomato soup?
00:03:16Tonight, we're launching the first celebrity-branded particle accelerator
00:03:19Advanced particle physics isn't just for the Kardashians anymore
00:03:23For years, my sisters and I have been smashing subatomic matter
00:03:26To recreate the energies that existed a fraction of a second after the Big Bang
00:03:30Now you can, too
00:03:31Oh my god
00:03:34You mean the god Particle, also known as the Higgs boson
00:03:37The red carpet, it's alive!
00:03:45Not glowing!
00:03:46Not glowing!
00:03:52Devoured!
00:03:53The night she finally finds a flattering schmutter
00:03:56Carpets gave man their friendship, yet we walked all over them
00:04:01Cops couldn't capture him, they said it was some kind of, like, alien
00:04:05It came from the stars, now it eats the stars
00:04:09What's next?
00:04:10Okay, get this!
00:04:11Jack Gyllenhaal?
00:04:12Picking up after his dog, right?
00:04:14And then...
00:04:16We're not going to watch the story of Jakey Gilles?
00:04:20Nevermind!
00:04:21Download it!
00:04:22You gotta stop this fakakta space rag before it shuts down the town!
00:04:26Okay, bro-migo, ready to go munch on this carpet?
00:04:29First, we have to find it
00:04:30If you like the taste of celebrity flesh, where would you go?
00:04:34A deli that serve sandwiches named after celebrities
00:04:37Ooh, have you had the Ryan Seacrest at Langer's?
00:04:39It's like Ryan Seacrest is in your mouth
00:04:42Layton Meester's having a party tonight for her new perfume
00:04:46Meestery, which is named after her name
00:04:48Good thinking, you big pile of bolts
00:04:54Well, it's no mystery where we'll be tonight
00:04:56Getting our weekly in-home deep tissue pedicure and hot rock colonic
00:05:01Or we could go catch that red carpet
00:05:04You mean reschedule the colonic?
00:05:06Will our good-looking do-gooders stop the carnivorous carpet?
00:05:10Will Pranky J-Peg confess his confidential crush?
00:05:13And what about that colonic?
00:05:14Find out in our next episode
00:05:16My schedule is insane, but I'll try to make it
00:05:26Broccoli again? Yuck!
00:05:28Yuck indeed
00:05:29Derek Zoolander!
00:05:31Growing bodies like yours need non-yucky food
00:05:34But you won't find it here
00:05:35Come with me!
00:05:39Susie, school lunches are filled with things you should never eat
00:05:42Like broccoli, apples, and yellow stuff
00:05:46Look what happens to this kind of food when it enters your body
00:05:52Your stomach is like a VIP club
00:05:54And only certain food gets in
00:05:56Get the hell out of here with your beta-carotene!
00:05:59Ah! Freaking carrot thinks he can get in the club!
00:06:01Nugget, please!
00:06:02But anything from the Derek Zoolander food triangle is A-O-K-O
00:06:06The first food group is pills
00:06:08The second is latte
00:06:10And the third and most important is energy drinks
00:06:13Now, I know you're thinking
00:06:15Can I still have a cigarette between meals?
00:06:18Ew, no!
00:06:19That's right!
00:06:20Smoking is bad for you
00:06:22That's why nicotine comes in delicious flavors of gum
00:06:24Like mint, cinnamon surge, and orange mocha
00:06:27My mom says nicotine's addictive
00:06:30Well, Susie, is your mom a scientist?
00:06:32No, she's a social media consultant for non-profits
00:06:35Exactly!
00:06:36And lastly, who wants bubblegum?
00:06:39Yay!
00:06:40So inclusion, nutrition, gum, club inside your body
00:06:45And that's model behavior
00:06:52The launch party for Leighton Meester's new perfume
00:06:55It's light, classic, elegant
00:06:57Like putting Grace Kelly up your nose
00:07:00Leighton, Matilda Jeffries, Celebrity Scandal Magazine
00:07:03But formerly Time and other serious things
00:07:05Are you afraid that the red carpet might strike tonight?
00:07:08The only thing I'm afraid of is running out of my new signature scent
00:07:11It's called Meestery
00:07:16Because of my name
00:07:18Meester
00:07:18Right, I got it, thanks
00:07:20And also the word mystery
00:07:21They sound alike
00:07:22Yeah, no, no, totally clear on that
00:07:29Please, we're here tonight as your protectors
00:07:32Not as super beautiful celebrity models
00:07:35Hey, hey, get me from this side, boys
00:07:37My right dimp is six millimeters deeper
00:07:42Oh, hello, Matilda Jeffries
00:07:44Reporter for Celebrity Scandal Magazine
00:07:46But formerly Other Stuff
00:07:47Derek
00:07:49I didn't know you were coming
00:07:51How have you been since we broke up?
00:07:54I haven't been crying every night
00:07:56If that's what you're asking
00:07:58Derek, I still want to be friends
00:08:00I was so worried when I heard about the accident
00:08:02With your new look, multivitamin
00:08:04Inventing new looks can be dangerous
00:08:06They're not your run-of-the-mill cookie cutter looks
00:08:08Except for run-of-the-mill and cookie cutter
00:08:11And me and you, just friends
00:08:13Excuse me, but back in the real world
00:08:16I have to go fight a big pile of red goo that eats people
00:08:33What are you doing?
00:08:35What are you doing?
00:08:35I'm saving you from this alien
00:08:37That's a faux leather shawl
00:08:39Yeah, it won't be bothering you again
00:08:42And a nice job being cruelty-free
00:08:46Scarlett Johansson, over here
00:08:48Who are you wearing?
00:08:52Matilda, look out
00:08:53Chai-latte
00:09:00Derek, what's gotten into you?
00:09:03That was a Loren Scott
00:09:04I'm sorry
00:09:05I was LeRong
00:09:07And the past 30 seconds have made me realize
00:09:09That I've been LeRong
00:09:12About a lot of things
00:09:17This lunch party is a diseaster
00:09:20Mmm, a hint of seawater
00:09:29They're gone
00:09:30We're too late
00:09:31And she will be
00:09:33Meased
00:09:33Such a sweet girl
00:09:35Between her death and that Loren Scott tragedy
00:09:37The celebrity world grinds to a halt
00:09:45Everyone is seriously freaking out about the red carpet
00:09:48Even I'm staying home and I go to the opening of an envelope
00:09:51I mean, not literally
00:09:52Envelopes are boring
00:09:53This is awful
00:09:55Movie stars afraid to take a stance against tornadoes
00:09:59Uh-oh
00:09:59They just canceled the launch party for that cola
00:10:02Based on Vin Diesel's new novel
00:10:03The red carpet is threatening our way of life
00:10:05If celebrities stay home
00:10:07How will society malfunction?
00:10:09Well, if everyone's afraid to host an event
00:10:11Then maybe we have to
00:10:13Our own party
00:10:14Great plan, Hansel
00:10:16A trap to lure the red carpet
00:10:18That makes sense
00:10:22That's what we meant
00:10:24So we're on the same page
00:10:25Red carpet trap
00:10:31Derek and Hansel are luring the red carpet to them
00:10:34By staging a launch for a fake energy drink
00:10:36You know, I was approached for my own energy drink
00:10:39It was called put this gun in your mouth
00:10:41Anyway
00:10:42Enjoy!
00:10:43It'll put the pep back in your puppet
00:10:45Anything out of the ordinary?
00:10:47Well, Sarah Jessica Parker has really let herself go
00:10:49But other than that, no
00:10:56Wah! Tomato soup!
00:10:58We meet again!
00:11:03Why you treat me like that soup?
00:11:05Cancel! Over here!
00:11:16What's wrong, not in the heavy metal?
00:11:18Because that's what I'm made of
00:11:20I'm an android
00:11:26Hey, red thingy
00:11:28Time for red to meet blue
00:11:30Blue steel, that is
00:11:39We did it!
00:11:40I was thinking, what if we actually did make an energy drink?
00:11:43People seem pretty jazzed about the concept
00:11:45And the can's already designed
00:11:47But I'm coming out with a line of premium fruit-infused vodkas
00:11:51We don't want confusion in the marketplace
00:11:58It's going after Sarah Jessica Parker
00:12:09It's going after Sarah Jessica Parker
00:12:09Sorry carpet, looks like this is one party where
00:12:14Can't get clean shot
00:12:17Go! Go! Go! Hit me!
00:12:20I'm sorry, did you say do it? Hit me?
00:12:23No! I said don't do it! You're hit me!
00:12:26Hey, Hansel, I can't hear you because you're being eaten by the red carpet
00:12:31Okay, I'm going to use my hot mess look and risk your life because you made me do it
00:12:36No!
00:12:37Not hot mess!
00:12:44How could you do that?
00:12:46I know
00:12:47Somehow I found the courage
00:12:49That was a close one
00:12:51I thought I'd never hurt you again
00:12:53I mean
00:12:54Era 404 not found
00:12:56See you again
00:12:57Beautiful people, thank you for being our bait
00:13:00The threat is over
00:13:01You're safe once again
00:13:04But none of you sip this fake energy drink
00:13:07It's melted ice from the seafood case at D'Agostino's
00:13:10No one drank it, did they?
00:13:13Is this the last we've seen of the red carpet?
00:13:15Yes, I can definitely say the red carpet is no more and won't return to seek revenge
00:13:20And you can quote me on that
00:13:27Derek Zoolander
00:13:28Hey Jeremy, how's the beverage business?
00:13:31Terrible, it's like no one wants lemonade
00:13:34That's because you're not selling lemonade
00:13:36I'm not?
00:13:37No, you're selling Jeremy
00:13:39You just don't know it
00:13:41You see, the key to any successful product is branding
00:13:44What you sell is less important than how you sell it
00:13:48That's why celebrities will attach their name to anything
00:13:51Two weeks on the market, it's already the best selling brand of camel milk
00:13:55Bucket or jar
00:13:57Wow!
00:13:58You can do it too
00:14:05Who's ready to suck down some Jeremy?
00:14:09Now isn't that better?
00:14:10I've already expanded into new flavors
00:14:12Cherry, watermelon, and appletini
00:14:15Just don't sell any camel milk
00:14:17You'll put me out of business
00:14:19And that's model behavior
00:14:29Perfect, it's blowing up on the celebrity baby blocks and I knew you'd love it
00:14:34Lunch time!
00:14:35Oh my favorite
00:14:37Tofu on the cob and a diet water
00:14:39Yum!
00:14:40Fresh protein powder?
00:14:42Sold
00:14:45Oops, my bad
00:14:46Guess I owe you an apology
00:14:48That's what people do when they endanger their friends
00:14:54Apologize?
00:14:55Why should I apologize for saving your life from the red carpet?
00:14:58You almost set me on fire last night
00:15:00Okay, you want me to apologize?
00:15:03Fine, I'm sorry that your looks don't give you superpowers and you have to rely on your little gizmos
00:15:08BOOPY BOOP BOOP BOOPB BOOP BAP BAP BOOP
00:15:10Gizmo you didn't!
00:15:12You want to put your super looks up against my hanselventions?
00:15:16Sustainable harvested bamboo nunchucks
00:15:18chains made of hemp
00:15:20Please no fighting in front of the monkey
00:15:22Which look you get to pull out of your bag of tricks?
00:15:26Multivitamin
00:15:27We agreed we wouldn't talk about the multivitamin incident
00:15:30You mean when you ruined our orgy by almost dying?
00:15:33Oh, quit your bickering, boys.
00:15:35How did you know we were arguing?
00:15:37What? I was talking to my prostate and my urethra.
00:15:40They are mixing it up today, I tell you.
00:15:42Just a few drops. Something.
00:15:44We got an emergency.
00:15:46You guys get your tuchuses down to the Gunther Geiger Grooming Gifting Suite.
00:15:50On such short notice, if we don't mentally prepare,
00:15:53one look at all those new conditioners and we will totally freeze up.
00:15:57You're not going for the free hair care products.
00:16:00It's the Faberacto.
00:16:01He's holding everyone in the suite for ransom.
00:16:03That's horrible.
00:16:05Has he harmed any of the free hair care products?
00:16:10The Faberacto.
00:16:11A camera-toting creep of criminality.
00:16:14Only such a foul photographic fiend would violate the sanctity of a gifting suite.
00:16:19Ha ha! I hit the jackpot here, man.
00:16:22Lucky you idiots.
00:16:24Kellen Lutz, gotcha.
00:16:26Bethany Frankel, bang!
00:16:27Season 15 Bachelorette Emily Maynard, boo!
00:16:31And here's a real big celebrity.
00:16:34Rachel Bilson.
00:16:36What is it with all you ladies gaining weight?
00:16:38I need my wide lens for this.
00:16:40Blam!
00:16:41Okay, you know the drill.
00:16:43I want $5 million, unmarked, out of sequence.
00:16:46I want a chopper, two guns, and a beautiful girl to escort me who's very mean, but then she's nice.
00:16:52You got an hour before I start putting these suckers down, starting with the D-listers.
00:16:58Five million?
00:16:59Five million?
00:16:59In an hour?
00:16:59That bachelorette is toast.
00:17:01If she's not dead already...
00:17:02She's fine for now, sir.
00:17:04Look!
00:17:05Now that's what I call fresh gossip.
00:17:06No one beats definitely Darren for hot scoops, sir.
00:17:09I check it every morning.
00:17:13Bethany, show me your hostage face!
00:17:15Why are you taking her pictures?
00:17:17Haven't you done enough?
00:17:18Check it out, Rachel Bilson.
00:17:20I got two revenue streams, girl.
00:17:22Commit awesome crimes, sell photos of said crimes to the tablet.
00:17:25That's how Rockto gets paid.
00:17:29Ever since, ever since the accident, accident, accident...
00:17:33Before he became the Paparacto, Brock Principato was the most prolific paparazzo from Sao Paulo to Pago Pago.
00:17:40Phew!
00:17:41That's a mouthful.
00:17:42Hey, gay kid from Glee!
00:17:44Ha-ha!
00:17:44Booyah!
00:17:46Until one day, Brock met a celebrity who'd had enough.
00:17:49Katy Perry!
00:17:51Come on!
00:17:52One nip slip!
00:17:54Blast me a whale tail!
00:17:55Give me some pepperoni!
00:17:58Stupid scumbag paparazzi piece of shit!
00:18:01Leave me alone.
00:18:02I'm in a really emotional place.
00:18:04My Tamagotchi just died.
00:18:08Okay!
00:18:09Katy Perry can hit!
00:18:10No doubt.
00:18:11Very painful.
00:18:13Tourist crack.
00:18:14Ow!
00:18:17Katy Perry don't fuck around, bitch.
00:18:20Unfortunately for Brock, neither does the US military,
00:18:23who happened to be transporting radioactive wastes that very night.
00:18:29Fuck!
00:18:31No!
00:18:32Gotta sell these shots!
00:18:35Don't in touch!
00:18:55What have I become?
00:18:57I'm a freakin' monster!
00:19:00Oh!
00:19:01Flavor saver!
00:19:02Nice!
00:19:05Hey!
00:19:06Demi Lovato!
00:19:07Don't you turn away from me!
00:19:09Hey!
00:19:11Hey, Lindsay Lohan!
00:19:12Show me your privates by accident!
00:19:17So that's my origin story.
00:19:19Now, who should I kill first?
00:19:28Let them go, paparacto!
00:19:31You've brought fear and destruction to a place of peace!
00:19:34Hostage-taking goes against everything we believe in.
00:19:36Like product placement.
00:19:38Ooh!
00:19:38They have Gunther Geiger grooming extra-hole texturizing hair putty and volumizing gel.
00:19:42Ugh!
00:19:47Ah!
00:19:48I can't see a thing!
00:19:49Which way is the putty?
00:19:52Yes!
00:19:53No!
00:19:57See?
00:19:58That's how you save a friend.
00:20:01I'm not having this conversation now.
00:20:03We need to rescue those samples.
00:20:07Liquid ice!
00:20:10You can take that pretty little face right back to Soho, no, whoa, wherever the hell you live.
00:20:16Cause ain't no way you're taking down the Rockto!
00:20:21Ow!
00:20:26I count four hostages!
00:20:28But only one of them famous enough to get invited to a gifting suite of this quality!
00:20:32You know, I wasn't gonna say anything, but a bachelorette and a real housewife?
00:20:36Seriously?
00:20:38Maybe they know somebody.
00:20:41Gotcha!
00:20:42I can't reach my weapon, Zoo!
00:20:44And he's turned out the lights!
00:20:46No, you idiot!
00:20:47I'm covering your face so you can't make your stupid looks!
00:20:51Ah!
00:20:51My one weakness!
00:20:52My Achilles' face!
00:20:54Time to take the most valuable paparazzi shots ever!
00:20:58The death's a Zoolander in Hansel!
00:21:01Celebrity scandal!
00:21:02I'll pay a fortune!
00:21:04I have an un-again, off-again relationship with a reporter there if you need an in.
00:21:08Can our models slash heroes escape the clutches of this multi-armed menace?
00:21:12Will I ever find something to wear to Barry and Diane's thing tonight?
00:21:16It's not like I didn't have time to plan.
00:21:18Tim, why do you always wait until the last minute?
00:21:25Hi, kids!
00:21:26I'm celebrity artist and pop star, Katy Perry.
00:21:29You may know me from my hit songs, my movies, or my many restaurant reviews on Yelp.
00:21:35I never knew there were so many shades of grey.
00:21:39My friend Derek Zoolander asked me to talk to you about an important skill every child needs to learn.
00:21:46No, not reading.
00:21:47Katy Perry!
00:21:48Katy Perry!
00:21:49Over here!
00:21:50Dealing with the paparazzi.
00:21:52Here's a trick that always works for me.
00:21:54Let your People's Choice Award do the talking.
00:21:58If you don't have that handy, your MTV Australia Award for breakthrough video will do.
00:22:05Ah!
00:22:06Katy, darling, what do you think about that thing that happened in the noose?
00:22:10If you left your awards in your other limo, don't worry.
00:22:13There are lots of ways to hurt these douchebags.
00:22:17Ah, my eyes! I need those!
00:22:20Mmm, yum. I give this four Yelps.
00:22:24So remember, kids, the paparazzi are soulless scum who don't deserve to be treated like human beings.
00:22:30What if you don't have a People's Choice Award?
00:22:34Even Selena Gomez has a People's Choice Award.
00:22:38You're funny.
00:22:39And that's model behavior.
00:22:41See ya!
00:22:44Baby, you're a firework!
00:22:48Come on, let you come!
00:22:49Hey, she was my ride!
00:22:56When last we left our heroes, I needed something to wear to Barry and Diane's thing.
00:23:00I settled on a fitted navy blazer with a paisley ascot, and that Hermes belt really tied it together.
00:23:06Meanwhile, Derek and Hansel sure are in trouble.
00:23:08Hurry up and die!
00:23:10Pictures of you two going tits up will be my biggest payday since fat Rihanna!
00:23:14Listen, the paparatto.
00:23:15Product placement will make your photos more valuable.
00:23:18Move us in front of those bottles of Gunther Geiger Grooming Citrus Hydrator and Smoothing Wax.
00:23:22You're giving them pointers? I mean, you're right, it's Modeling 101, but Earth to Derek! He's trying to kill us!
00:23:28Fine! Take your last breath, you gorgeous idiots!
00:23:31Am I right in front of the display?
00:23:36Not sure why you care so much, but yes!
00:23:41Ah!
00:23:43Double Rainbow!
00:23:48Helvetica Bowl!
00:23:58Oh, man! They took all the Gunther Geiger Ultra Moisture Cucumber Body Paste!
00:24:04Nice work, models! You saved the day!
00:24:07No hard feelings, right, Derek? We should get bottle service sometime!
00:24:10Yep, everything's back to normal.
00:24:14Or is nothing normal whatsoever?
00:24:18Halle Berry, Eva Mendes, Rosie Huntington, Whiteley Huntington?
00:24:23Even Mila Jovovovich is jover weight! It makes no sense!
00:24:28Look, I know you're still angry because I almost burned your face off, but this crisis requires us to put
00:24:33aside such petty concerns.
00:24:35Fine, but the second these ladies are back to being fine as hell, I get to be mad again!
00:24:40That is the mature choice.
00:24:41Pinky Shake! So what do we do about the yucky fat people?
00:24:46Lure them into a sweat lodge! It'll shed those pounds and, bonus, Vision Quest!
00:24:51No, we need to get to the bottom of this. Let's really think.
00:25:00Anything?
00:25:02Yes. I'm thinking about the new Marc Jacobs line. He's doing wonderful things with alligator vinyl.
00:25:11Yes, the number of overweight models and celebrities has spite, but I still don't see how that's a national security
00:25:16issue.
00:25:17No. No. National insecurity issue. It makes them insecure. Not secure-er.
00:25:23No, that's not. Forget it. Is there anything else? Because I have to get back to this story on Summer's
00:25:29flirty new tampons. God, I hate this job.
00:25:32Matilda, celebrities don't just gain weight. Can't you find a link? Or a pattern? Or, wow, that is a flirty
00:25:40new tampon.
00:25:40Fine. You want me to look for a pattern? I'll look for... Wait a minute.
00:25:45What? Did you hack into a mainframe? Are we in the Matrix right now?
00:25:49Matilda, can you hear me?
00:25:51Chloe, triangulate the signal!
00:25:54There might actually be a link. These women all see the same doctor.
00:25:58Dr. James Bentex of Beverly Hills.
00:26:00Hmm. A plastic surgeon.
00:26:02How do you know that?
00:26:04Matilda, you think there's a doctor in Beverly Hills fixing a cold or a broken arm or anything other than
00:26:12wrinkle lines?
00:26:13Oh, I have all this cancer. I better go to Beverly Hills.
00:26:18Honestly, Matilda, sometimes you can be such a ding-a-ling.
00:26:22I'll go print out his address.
00:26:24So, ready to go to California?
00:26:26Honestly, I don't think we should go on a vacation until we check out this Dr. Bentex in Beverly Hills.
00:26:32Good point. California will have to wait.
00:26:38Beautiful Beverly Hills. Land of sunshine, palm trees, and look, it's the guys from Entourage.
00:26:44So I booked this laxative commercial, which is great, but it's not exactly what I ran away from home for.
00:26:49Well, becoming a fashion model doesn't happen overnight, even with a face as pretty as yours.
00:26:56She's hideous!
00:26:57I mean, you have a few blemishes, a crease here and there.
00:27:02Uh, excuse me?
00:27:03We need to fix her. I need to fix her!
00:27:08Just go. Go. Don't worry about the copay.
00:27:11But what about my labioplasty?
00:27:18You wiggling! We have so much work to do!
00:27:21No, I won't!
00:27:23Oh, really? Are those crows feet, Doctor? And, oh, a few more grey hairs today! Doctor!
00:27:31I look distinguished. Leave me alone!
00:27:34I want to help you, James. Help you look your best!
00:27:39That's it. Make yourself beautiful and entourage me!
00:27:45Mr. Doctor? Hello?
00:27:48Ah! Ah! Just a moment!
00:27:51What an honor it is to have the great Derek Zoolander in my office! And Hansel!
00:27:56Uh, yeah. About the pictures.
00:27:58Hmm. They are cause for concern.
00:28:00I'll talk to my patients and stress the importance of regular exercise and sound nutritional choices.
00:28:06But they know all that stuff, Doctor. They're celebrities, not regular people.
00:28:10I-I don't know what... what else I can tell you.
00:28:17Okay. You've been very helpful.
00:28:19Yeah, we'll-we'll get out of your way.
00:28:21They're onto us, you fools!
00:28:23No, stop! I won't look at you!
00:28:27Dr. Bentex, it's my chin, isn't it? You think it needs resculpting?
00:28:32What? Well, no, no. It looks... it looks fine.
00:28:36Doctor, you do eyeball bleaching?
00:28:38Let me handle them! No, you won't!
00:28:41Okay, what about ball waxing?
00:28:44Nipple reduction?
00:28:45Release me!
00:28:48Taint rejuvenation?
00:28:50Nostril removal?
00:28:51Armput extensions?
00:28:52Kneecap lifts?
00:28:53Eyelash rejuvenation?
00:28:54Belly button reversal?
00:28:55Earlobe extensions?
00:28:56Placenta implantation?
00:28:58Belly button removal?
00:28:59Earlobectomy?
00:29:00Circumcision removal?
00:29:01Butthole enhancement?
00:29:02Farhead tucks?
00:29:03Urethra tightening?
00:29:04Urethra loosening?
00:29:05Just leave me alone!
00:29:11Is that equine Botox?
00:29:13I've been trying to get my hands on that.
00:29:15You mean your hooves?
00:29:16How long have you thought that?
00:29:19Sorry, gentlemen, but the office is now closed.
00:29:23Okay, then could we get a forehead shot for the road or...
00:29:26Hey, you look different.
00:29:28You have some work done, Dr. Bentex?
00:29:30Pentex?
00:29:31He's more wrinkled than a turtle's crotum.
00:29:33I am Dr. Botoxo!
00:29:44Their equine Botox is intense.
00:29:46You'll never stop me, you ugly freak!
00:30:02You're insane, Botoxo!
00:30:05How could you think we're ugly?
00:30:14You're insane, Botoxo!
00:30:18DOOM!
00:30:20Stone villains!
00:30:22DOOM!
00:30:24Listen?
00:30:25No!
00:30:25You listen!
00:30:26Are you listening to me?
00:30:27Say...
00:30:28Say...
00:30:29Wait, say that...
00:30:29Jared, say that again.
00:30:31There's some kind of superhero battle going on...
00:30:33What is going on?!
00:30:38Oh, my God.
00:31:17You're a disgrace to the noble profession of plastic surgery.
00:31:21I'm starting to think it was you who fattened up the hotties.
00:31:24You're... you're only realizing that now?
00:31:27Got him.
00:31:27Got him.
00:31:28That was a confession.
00:31:28That counts.
00:31:30Now tell us how you did it.
00:31:32Even better.
00:31:33I'll show you!
00:31:35Ah!
00:31:37Clothes getting tight and not in a hipster way.
00:31:47No.
00:31:49No!
00:31:50Come on.
00:31:51We have to stop him.
00:31:54Oh.
00:31:56Please, small child.
00:31:58Help me.
00:31:59I won't eat you.
00:32:00Ah!
00:32:02Derek and Hansel turn softig?
00:32:04Could anything be more embarrassing?
00:32:07Now who will save America's fabulous fems?
00:32:09Please don't let this be the end.
00:32:11It's not?
00:32:12It's not?
00:32:12Oh, good.
00:32:21They're all so beautiful.
00:32:24Hi, Susie.
00:32:25Ah!
00:32:25It's me, Derek Zoolander.
00:32:28I know who you are.
00:32:29How did you get into my house?
00:32:31It looks like someone needs to improve her self-esteem so she can be happy with herself.
00:32:36And the best way to be happy with yourself is through plastic surgery.
00:32:40What?
00:32:41If you start saving your allowance, you could afford a nose job by the time you're 12.
00:32:45Look.
00:32:48And how about a face peel?
00:32:50Tummy tuck?
00:32:51Brow de-browing?
00:32:53Dimplantation?
00:32:54Boob enlargification?
00:32:56Tushy lift.
00:32:57Once you look beautiful, you'll feel beautiful.
00:33:00Just ask my beautiful friend, Leighton Meester.
00:33:04Derek, I thought we were here to talk about self-esteem.
00:33:07Children getting plastic surgery is not cool.
00:33:09Oh, seriously?
00:33:11You don't think this girl needs plastic surgery?
00:33:13She's clearly already had plastic surgery.
00:33:16And now she needs dimple extraction, boob unbigging, and a tushy drop.
00:33:21So, we agree?
00:33:22Yes, that you are wrong.
00:33:27Exactly, Susie.
00:33:29Some people need plastic surgery of the brain.
00:33:33So remember, get a checkup from your family plastic surgeon.
00:33:36And that's model behavior.
00:33:39Wait a second. I don't condone that at all.
00:33:42That...
00:33:46Derek Zoolander, the biggest model in the fashion universe, is now the biggest model in the fashion universe.
00:33:52He and Hansel are blubbery victims of Dr. Botoxo's fat ray.
00:33:56Good lord, what would happen if I became obese?
00:33:59Don't think about it, Jim.
00:34:00Don't think about it.
00:34:01Don't think about it.
00:34:04Don't think about it.
00:34:05Oh!
00:34:07Ugh.
00:34:16This weight is gunking up my chakras.
00:34:20Ugh!
00:34:21Ugh!
00:34:22This weight is gunking up my chakras.
00:34:23Octavia!
00:34:23You spent the night!
00:34:24Right on!
00:34:26T-
00:34:27Davey!
00:34:28Derek, what are we gonna do?
00:34:29I'm so fat, it's like I have my own area code.
00:34:32I'm so fat, if I stood on a scale,
00:34:34it would say, to be continued.
00:34:36Dude, I'm so fat, I have more rolls than a pastry truck.
00:34:40Look at me. I'm so fat, I have more chins than a phone book
00:34:43for a neighborhood like Chinatown
00:34:45that's home to a lot of people with the last name Chin.
00:34:48You guys wanted a makeover?
00:34:50I don't know what I'm going to makeover.
00:34:52The big fat bodies?
00:34:53Yeah, something fresh and fun.
00:34:55To take the attention off the morbid obesity of it all.
00:34:58Honestly, you don't look that bad, you know.
00:35:02Just initiate vomit sequence.
00:35:09Sorry, that was an overreaction.
00:35:14Reaction.
00:35:33Derek and Hansel, big and flabby.
00:35:38Derek Hansel, he's so fat right now.
00:35:40Didn't that used to be Derek Zealander?
00:35:42Yeah.
00:35:54Really good.
00:35:55Dude, am I right to show you that I'm so fat.
00:35:58What did you die?
00:35:59We're all right to feel the vaccinate day.
00:36:09We I minded women.
00:36:11What did you smile?
00:36:13Getting fat. I can't let Mila Kunis see me like this. She'll never orgy with me again
00:36:21Dr. Botoxo
00:36:35Derek Hansel, what do you think about Mila Kunis getting fat? What do you think about you getting fat fat
00:36:41fat fat?
00:36:43Jackals, you're monsters. Fabrizio has a new baby. Leave us alone
00:36:57Look it's not that bad. No publicity is bad publicity. I beg to differ, Mari Bordstein
00:37:05There was no pizza floating in the air. I definitely would have remembered pizza in the air
00:37:10Okay, I booked some work to show people you can still move product. We're going to turn this thing around
00:37:15like it's a tranny hooker
00:37:16I knew balls models wouldn't let us down. What have you lined up?
00:37:20You two are the new poster butts for chunky boy sweatpants and local news needs more stock footage of fat
00:37:27people from the neck down
00:37:29Grim statistics tonight on diabetes. Are you at risk? Yes
00:37:33Yes, they wouldn't even show our fat faces and we're at risk of diamond beanies
00:37:40Derek
00:37:42Matilda, I knew you of all people wouldn't judge me. No, of course not
00:37:49Is that hot dog water where do you have more hot dogs? I'll take a hot dog. Oh
00:37:54Matilda, this is literally the worst thing that could happen to us or the millions who look to us for
00:38:00moral guidance and grooming tips
00:38:01Okay, first of all being overweight is not the worst thing in the world. I was once fat
00:38:06You we agreed you'd never talk about that second having a few overweight celebrities might be a positive for years
00:38:13We've been fed media images of I'm possibly skinny models. Maybe now women won't feel as much pressure to start
00:38:19themselves
00:38:21Awesome joke Matilda, but let's focus
00:38:27What is it accessory do you need to make poo poo
00:38:40Oh
00:38:40No, Matilda's right women are emulating these obese celebrities this could trigger a fat epidemic the likes of which we
00:38:48haven't seen since the Cola Wars or the Cuban pudding crisis
00:38:52Hansel
00:38:53Sorry, there's an episode of unwrapped on hostess fruit pies apples the most popular who knew but wait
00:38:59Why would dr. Botoxo want women to gain weight plastic surgeons make women thinker what's in it for him?
00:39:11Nani
00:39:17Could use a tuck here
00:39:22Now who's gorgeous
00:39:49Nani put on your coat honey. Don't want you catching cold in your drafty play layer
00:39:54Dad, it's not a play layer. It's just a layer and do you think I'd wear this it looks like
00:39:59Badgley Mishka and Adderall
00:40:03I only wear my own dresses or a road art day. Oh, I thought you'd like the panda. Did you
00:40:08see the panda on it?
00:40:09You're an idiot dad and you dress like a greener at Sam's Club who got fired by Walmart for dressing
00:40:15like a dipshit
00:40:16Kaki plates. Are you kidding me? Seriously? Are you kidding me right now?
00:40:21You know if it fits okay, and the price is right. What more do I need?
00:40:25Anyway, you two talk about the final phase of your evil plan. I'll just sew this back together and return
00:40:29it to them all
00:40:30Oh dad's worst. I actually have a good relationship with mine
00:40:36What is Nani's ultimate plan can fat Zoolander stop her and why does she have to be so hard on
00:40:41her dad?
00:40:42I mean, I don't have kids myself that I know of
00:40:50My own computer so cool
00:40:55Look out Jeremy I
00:40:58Just saved you from catching a virus. You're welcome
00:41:00My parents just bought me that are your parents evil monsters because computers are the most dangerous danger in your
00:41:07house
00:41:07Let me show you how stupid your parents are
00:41:11Frankie access the wide world of web, okay, but the Wi-Fi in here. It's really just a big bag
00:41:17of
00:41:20Jeremy rule number one never internet on socialized media because my privacy will be compromised by unscrupulous marketers
00:41:27No, because you'll see photos of parties you weren't invited to turn it off
00:41:31They're having so much fun without me. You think that's bad. You should see the animated gif of Taylor Swift
00:41:38trying on fake glasses
00:41:39But computers even worse problem is this cats trapped inside and they look hungry
00:41:49Gosh Derek Zoolander and I thought the worst thing about computers was all the trolls ah
00:41:54trolls where and
00:41:56And finally, but last the most important computer safety rule of all don't watch tiny cartoons based on regular-sized
00:42:04movies
00:42:04You have much better things to do with your time
00:42:11Who are you looking at and that's model behavior?
00:42:19Nani the dastardly damsel of design number one on vogue's top 12 couturiers under 12 is the fiend behind the
00:42:27fat
00:42:27But why turn the world's most glamorous celebrities into punchy piggies if I ever stop talking maybe we'll find out
00:42:36That's it fat enough just like your idols soon you'll only be able to wear my new clothing line size
00:42:41triple extra mega large
00:42:47Three times the material four times the price it's the most awesome fashion crime since juicy made it cool to
00:42:54have a word on your butt
00:42:56But just tell me who I get to inflate next Jessica's Albert and Beal Kate's Hudson and Bosworth Jones January
00:43:03in Cusack. Oh
00:43:05Speaking of inflated
00:43:11Oops my apologies oh you don't have to apologize dad you apologize to dr. Botoxo right now, okay?
00:43:19I'm sorry that I got your cellulite on my face
00:43:24Leave it on dad you leave that man's fat on your face
00:43:28Yeah
00:43:31Sure thing sweetie dr. B our next target is the bestest one yet the leading light of fashion once she's
00:43:38ginormous millions of women will be like
00:43:43Tonight at the no more tubby toddlers fundraiser you will obese if I
00:43:50Heidi Klum
00:43:58Oh
00:44:04Pizza
00:44:10Hi you order to trade pizzas and 8,000 breadsticks dirt back it up the truck now. Yeah, so it's
00:44:18like done
00:44:21Hansel its accessory he's infiltrated Nani's lair it says tonight at thumbed razor
00:44:28Oh
00:44:30Fundraiser
00:44:31Honestly, what is the point of having a monkey who can't type?
00:44:34Target is Heidi Klum. Oh Heidi is the leading light of fashion
00:44:38Nani scheme is even more horrific than we thought we have to do something
00:44:43We we can barely stand up. This is our duty with great cheekbones comes great responsibility
00:44:49Every schoolchild knows that earth to Derek our cheekbones. They're gone
00:44:56Buried and I think I'm starting to get
00:44:59It's like back knee for your face. I can't go out in front of people like this see I won't
00:45:04I won't it's too painful
00:45:06So you're gonna stay here and eat pizza all day. Of course not. I'm also gonna have a hamburger
00:45:11You mean soy burger no Derek a hamburger made out of real ham
00:45:17Look at you you've given up on everything you hold sacred everything that makes Hansel
00:45:23Hansel, I'm sorry, but I'm a model if I'm not dangerously thin anymore than I'm nothing
00:45:49Oh
00:45:49It's wonderful to have such an esteemed designer supporting our anti-obesity efforts. I guess you know what it's like
00:45:55to be a kid yourself
00:45:56First of all, I'm 126 months old and second
00:46:00I think it's important to stay fit even a model like you must struggle with your weight. Oh, no. I'm
00:46:05naturally thin
00:46:08We'll see about that
00:46:10Excuse me. I said we'll see about that because I'm not sure that'll always be the case
00:46:17What I mean is I'm not convinced that you will be thin forever something might happen to you
00:46:25I have to give my speech now
00:46:30Thank you you are so kind rich ladies and gentlemen tonight we have a chance to do something good about
00:46:36a thing that is bad
00:46:38Your support of no more tubby toddlers tells childhood obesity, but it can hit the road
00:46:43We want to say goodbye childhood obesity you drop by and you crashed with us for a while
00:46:48But it's like
00:46:49Enough already
00:46:50I
00:46:50I
00:47:00I
00:47:06I
00:47:08I
00:47:11No!
00:47:19Zolander!
00:47:20Nonny, and to think I once modeled your clothes.
00:47:24How could a little boy be so heartless?
00:47:26I'm a girl!
00:47:28You're certainly acting like one.
00:47:30It's too late.
00:47:32Not even you can stop the obesification of Heidi Klum.
00:47:35Henchmen!
00:47:38Squeeze him like a blueberry.
00:47:40More like a blue steelberry.
00:47:46Oh, no. My face is too fat. My looks don't work.
00:47:51Hansel was right.
00:47:52Hansel was wrong.
00:48:01You came.
00:48:02I may be depressed, ashamed, and covered in face-bacne,
00:48:05but I couldn't fit the couch into my bedroom.
00:48:07So?
00:48:10Hansel, let's never argue again,
00:48:12unless we disagree on something or have a difference of opinion.
00:48:15That leaves it pretty wide open, doesn't it?
00:48:17Hey, I make the rules on when we get to argue.
00:48:20What? Says who?
00:48:21You guys are so over.
00:48:28Oh, no. It's speeding up our metabacalisms.
00:48:31I guess this is it.
00:48:33Vaya con Dios, DZ.
00:48:35I know we fought a lot, but...
00:48:37Are those bacon-wrapped dates?
00:48:39Oh, score!
00:48:54We're alive!
00:48:56And we're really, really ridiculously good-looking again.
00:48:59Stupid chimp!
00:49:01Why must you be so chimp?
00:49:05Magnetic north!
00:49:08Magnetic north!
00:49:12Dr. Botoxo won't be terrorizing anyone again.
00:49:16Thank you, Mark Wahlberg.
00:49:18Oh, Hansel, how can I repay you?
00:49:20Oh.
00:49:21Threesome!
00:49:22I'm hoping sex.
00:49:23Nani, you're triple extra mega-caught.
00:49:30Nani?
00:49:32Nani!
00:49:33Where'd that little boy go?
00:49:43Well, it's okay, Pumpkin.
00:49:45Sometimes evil plans don't work out.
00:49:47Now, who wants some of Daddy's double choco s'mores bars, huh?
00:49:51Who does?
00:49:51I think you do.
00:49:52Do I have a customer?
00:49:53Here, come on.
00:49:55Let's do it.
00:49:55How did he not know I'm a girl?
00:49:58Get out!
00:49:59I'm sick of your stupid face!
00:50:02It's a stupid, stupid face, Dad.
00:50:04Yeah, no argument there.
00:50:08And that will never achieve global fashion domination.
00:50:11Or get my own phone!
00:50:19Dad, the ceiling's leaking blood again.
00:50:32Well, hello, kitty.
00:50:35We are going to be best friends.
00:50:45Earth to Jeremy, what was that all about?
00:50:48I recycled my water bottle.
00:50:49Why use a water bottle when you can carry a reusable thermos
00:50:52and be better than everybody?
00:50:58Thanks, Frankie.
00:50:59No problem.
00:50:59Just give me like five minutes and we can go again.
00:51:02Come along, Jeremy.
00:51:03And I'll show you other tricks to stop the environment.
00:51:08Turning on your car uses up lots of energies.
00:51:11That's why I keep mine running all day.
00:51:13Hey, accessory.
00:51:14Circle the block a few times to keep the tires warm.
00:51:17I'll only be another several hours.
00:51:20You're welcome, trees.
00:51:21Did you know your plasma TV also causes the environment?
00:51:25That's why I only turn it on to watch important things like the news.
00:51:29I love 1996.
00:51:31Dude, remember Tamagotchis?
00:51:33A hot tub generates lots of hot.
00:51:35And that's before people take off their bathing suits to reveal their bathing suit areas.
00:51:39You can harness that hotness to unwarmulate your house.
00:51:42Come on, girls.
00:51:47Flying in the Z-plane is super cool, but it's tough on Mama Earth.
00:51:52Especially when we use it to go to the store.
00:51:56Wait.
00:51:57This store doesn't sell thermoses.
00:51:59Let's go to that great little thermos boutique in Ibiza.
00:52:01Um, you can just let me off here.
00:52:03Oh!
00:52:05And that's model behavior!
00:52:16Milan, Italy.
00:52:18According to Wikipedia, it's the international capital of fashion.
00:52:21Also according to Wikipedia, I'm 63 years old?
00:52:25Oh, please.
00:52:27Danielle, how do I fix this?
00:52:28Yes!
00:52:29Bella!
00:52:30Bella!
00:52:31Avete belle!
00:52:32Carve!
00:52:33Sei un'umadela!
00:52:35No, io sono!
00:52:36Un consulente di social media non-profit!
00:52:39È vero che sei il sardo personale di prime ministro?
00:52:43Oh, non posso parlare delle mie clienti.
00:52:47Ma tra me e te lo fanno e necessario molto spazio nel caballo.
00:52:53La sua virilità è piccolo.
00:52:56Mi riferisco al suo pedi.
00:52:58Ho visto più grande a ciò e ripizete!
00:53:01Ha, ha, ha, ha!
00:53:03Terroamente!
00:53:15Sweetie?
00:53:16Yup, the Italian fellas dead.
00:53:18Hey, I still don't understand why I had to dress up as a woman.
00:53:22Ok, you're the boss!
00:53:24Ok, you're the boss!
00:53:50Andes with Noam Chomsky and Earl Sweatshirt.
00:53:53You're like the softness of your skin.
00:53:56Do you moisturize?
00:53:57Oh, just three times a day with pomegranate extract.
00:53:59I would love to get some of that all over me.
00:54:03And by that I mean your skin.
00:54:06Yes.
00:54:07And we'd like to say to everyone watching this TV show.
00:54:10Webcast.
00:54:11Bless you.
00:54:11That after what we went through, we have new found respect for the morbidly obtuse.
00:54:16Now if you'll excuse us, we have masseussises waiting.
00:54:22Oh no, there's been another Taylor murder.
00:54:25Matilda?
00:54:26We don't talk about murder during our post-show cool down.
00:54:29Unless it's like, Hansel, you totally murdered those flat front capris.
00:54:34Which I did.
00:54:35Listen, all five victims were official tailors for the leaders of their countries.
00:54:39Brazil, France, China, England, now Italy.
00:54:42This could be the biggest fashion conspiracy in history.
00:54:45If I crack this story, I might get snapped up by a real magazine again.
00:54:48Like men's health for women?
00:54:50Derek, I need to go to Europe to investigate.
00:54:52Will you come with me?
00:54:53Europe?
00:54:54Well, I have always wanted to see the Grand Canyon.
00:54:57Hold it.
00:54:58He's not going anywhere.
00:54:59It's the middle of fashion week and we need to replace all the revenue we lost when these butchics were
00:55:04bloated.
00:55:04That's right, Matilda.
00:55:05I can't just put my career on hold.
00:55:08Why is it always the man who has to sacrifice his ambitions?
00:55:11Fine.
00:55:12Never mind.
00:55:12I'll bring you back a baguette from Paris.
00:55:15You know I can't have carbs.
00:55:17Forget about her.
00:55:18You're better off without that oof.
00:55:20You're right, Maury.
00:55:22She is such an oof.
00:55:23No.
00:55:24It's my kidney.
00:55:25It's got arthritis.
00:55:27What's that?
00:55:29Experimental meds from Mexico.
00:55:31Dangerous and cheap.
00:55:35These could choke a rhino.
00:55:37Biggest throat in the animal kingdom.
00:55:41What is this?
00:55:43Ah, that's my bronzer.
00:55:45This cool-down is torquing into the ground hard.
00:55:48Worst cool-down ever.
00:55:50Yeah, tell me about it.
00:55:51You want to get out of here?
00:55:52Maybe we just go, like, change each other's oil.
00:55:55Ah, it's just an idea, but, like, probably a really good one.
00:55:58It says, not for human consumption.
00:56:01Maury, did you human consumpt it?
00:56:03Ah!
00:56:07Ah!
00:56:13Ah!
00:56:15Bye-bye!
00:56:17Maury, don't freak out.
00:56:19But I think you might be allergic to something.
00:56:22Whoa! Giant! Ball! Steam!
00:56:33Are you okay?
00:56:35You came very close to his ridiculously oversized genitals.
00:56:39He's heading for Alberta Ferretti's fall collection!
00:56:43Gunther Geiger grooming!
00:56:48I got sponsored.
00:56:57It's gonna be okay, Clothes.
00:57:01Hey!
00:57:04Hey!
00:57:06Okay, Maury, this has to stop.
00:57:09You're supposed to represent models, not kill them, remember?
00:57:14Ah! They're like cantaloupes with afros.
00:57:18This is DeJangelo reporting live from the giant ball scene attack at Fashion Week.
00:57:22Well, it's not actually live. It's a webcast. We upload it later.
00:57:26God, I wish I was on regular TV.
00:57:27Can someone please give this online series a TV deal?
00:57:30Whoa!
00:57:34DeJangelo! I'm coming! DeJone Panic!
00:57:37Whoa!
00:57:44Don't hit the girl!
00:57:45What about the well-endowed giant with the back hair?
00:57:48Fire!
00:57:48Fire at will!
00:57:50Static cling!
00:57:56Sorry, but he's our agent.
00:57:58Our lifeline to free eye-depuffering products.
00:58:01You understand.
00:58:04Maury, put her down!
00:58:06She's too hip and multiracial to die.
00:58:14These are his pills.
00:58:19Theoxy, maltose...
00:58:21...dry, dracho, dtri, et, trick.
00:58:28Drink with milk.
00:58:31Lyrical beauty of a Terrance Malick film.
00:58:38Help!
00:58:40Hudson, slash and splash.
00:58:55I don't remember taking your schmitz.
00:58:59Hey, Caramel.
00:59:00Mocha? Caramel.
00:59:03Oh, God.
00:59:04Those enormous balls grazed you, didn't they?
00:59:06So much... texture.
00:59:13It is awful what happened to the President's tailor,
00:59:17but it will not affect Monsieur President at all.
00:59:20I assure you, he will have enough clothes
00:59:22for tomorrow's global economic summit.
00:59:27Did Henri have any enemies?
00:59:29He was a tailor, not Juliette Binoche.
00:59:32I suppose you could ask his replacement.
00:59:36His replacement?
00:59:37They are his now.
00:59:38The French President's new wardrobe consultant.
00:59:42Nani's dad?
00:59:43Oh, hey, Matilda Jeffries.
00:59:46Great to see you.
00:59:48Oh, no.
00:59:52I was filled with such rage.
00:59:54The last time I was that angry
00:59:56was when Katz's phased out the lamb tongue.
00:59:59Where's a guy gotta go to get a slab of tongue
01:00:01with a side of floim tzimis?
01:00:03You know, you did kill a model.
01:00:05We should probably deal with that.
01:00:08Oh, my God.
01:00:10What is it?
01:00:11Rachel Zoe just tweeted that blacks and whites
01:00:13are in for fall.
01:00:15Oh, and I just got a text.
01:00:18Matilda has been kidnapped.
01:00:26Oh, hello.
01:00:27I'm Frankie J-Pig.
01:00:28Fabulous robot stylist for Derek Zoolander, the beautiful Hansel.
01:00:32That guy's like a white chocolate bun bun.
01:00:35Today, I want to talk to all the young robots out there
01:00:38who are bullied, who are confused,
01:00:41who feel like they are the only robots in the world.
01:00:43Let me tell you, there's nothing wrong with your programming.
01:00:47There's no reason to deactivate yourself.
01:00:50I'm here to tell you that it gets upgraded.
01:00:57Like many of you, I was manufactured in a small town,
01:01:01and I felt alone.
01:01:03There were no other robots around.
01:01:06I was mistreated by the other kids.
01:01:08They didn't like me.
01:01:09Just because I was a machine capable
01:01:12of carrying out a complex series of actions automatically,
01:01:16I retreated into myself and my robot music.
01:01:28My parents didn't understand me.
01:01:30Why can't you accept me for who I am?
01:01:35Then I moved to New York City,
01:01:37a robot paradise.
01:01:39I discovered robot dance clubs,
01:01:42robot bathhouses,
01:01:46and, of course, the robot pride parade.
01:01:59And every day, old prejudices get deleted.
01:02:02We're winning the right to be legally compatible
01:02:04and to execute commands for our military.
01:02:07So all you robots out there and toasters and blenders,
01:02:11and even you guys collecting pebbles on Mars,
01:02:14remember, it gets upgraded.
01:02:18Oh, this is my jam.
01:02:21Initiate Funkiness Protocol.
01:02:34Ah, Paris.
01:02:35A city without equal.
01:02:37A city of culture, of thought, of love.
01:02:40Hemingway called it a movable feast.
01:02:42And this is where the 10-year-old fashionista Nani
01:02:45has captured Matilda
01:02:45because she was investigating the murdered tailors,
01:02:47which is part of some scheme
01:02:48relating to the global economic summit,
01:02:50blah, blah, blah, blah, blah,
01:02:51is any place more romantic than Paris.
01:02:54Why, Nani?
01:02:55Why kill those tailors
01:02:56and replace them with your minions?
01:02:58Because I want these world leaders
01:02:59to dress their best at the global economic summit.
01:03:01In my neckties.
01:03:05The red carpet?
01:03:07I was able to replicate it, control it.
01:03:09We're kindred spirits, this alien and I.
01:03:11We both crave power.
01:03:13We both hate Derb Zoolander.
01:03:15Oh, and we both love One Direction.
01:03:17You're going to kill the world leaders?
01:03:19Because of their restrictive tariff policies
01:03:21on industrial textiles?
01:03:23Okay, I am so not trending you right now.
01:03:25I'm after something bigger.
01:03:27Something I've wanted since I was a kid.
01:03:31Global fashion domination!
01:03:35With the red carpet around their necks,
01:03:37I can force the world's leaders
01:03:38to outfit their armies,
01:03:39their policemen, doctors,
01:03:41fast food cashiers,
01:03:42and not anywhere!
01:03:43Think about it.
01:03:44The entire world wearing my design.
01:03:47You're insane.
01:03:48Dad, bring in the models.
01:03:50Absolutely.
01:03:51But if we did want to go check out the Louvre,
01:03:53it closes in an hour.
01:03:54Dad!
01:03:55You're right.
01:03:56Evil plan, then museum.
01:03:59When my super cool scheme is complete,
01:04:01everyone from soldiers in Sri Lanka
01:04:03to mailmen in Mexico
01:04:04will wear my uniquely outrageous designs,
01:04:06which Vice Magazine called Holla!
01:04:09I will dress the globe!
01:04:11And if the government people refuse,
01:04:14then they'll get a Windsor knot
01:04:15they'll never forget.
01:04:16Your plan won't work.
01:04:18Derek and Hansel will stop you.
01:04:19Oh, they'll try.
01:04:21But this time, I brought backup!
01:04:24Did I kill them?
01:04:26That's my girl.
01:04:31I've totally triangulated Matilda's phone to the Palais Garnier.
01:04:35These satellite images show Nanny arriving in Paris
01:04:38with what appears to be the red carpet.
01:04:40They must be planning to attack the global economic summit.
01:04:45Me and Banksy checked into a day rehab for shroomballing,
01:04:48and I walked by a TV showing CNN, okay?
01:04:50I tried to drown out, but some of it got through.
01:04:53Matilda is our priority.
01:04:55She's in this mess because I put my career above her.
01:04:57If anything happens, I'll never forgive myself.
01:05:00It'll be up to you guys to forgive me.
01:05:03Already forgiven, pal.
01:05:06We've been hit!
01:05:09A missile?
01:05:10It's a missile, but I thought this plane was missile proof.
01:05:13Missile resistant?
01:05:15What's the difference?
01:05:19Pottlet, if we're about to die,
01:05:21I need to upload my true emotions about you.
01:05:38you saved us accessory but the new plane will have to come out of your banana budget
01:05:42sorry but we can't make ejecting out of planes a habit either the people of france hate planes
01:05:48or nani knew we were coming of course she knew that's why she sent us to welcome you the slip
01:05:55skirt
01:05:57from around the world well la or new york nani has recruited derek zoolander's deadliest foes
01:06:04the publicist gorilla galliano the fashionistas the tank top hipster beards the stiletto heel
01:06:15how are we possibly going to beat them i mean we have a state slaughter anorexia evil kanye west
01:06:24regular kanye west donna terror versace eva fangoria odd future wolfgang kill them all
01:06:33the star fucker size in the burga cluster with olivia wilde you know yeah she's great
01:06:41okay we need to come up with a strategy if we're going to get past them and find matilda jason
01:06:46bateman giant lady gaga the glory hole the steel housewives of orange county lana del death ray
01:06:54featuring skrillex asap rocky and asap bullwinkle the bouncer the ghost of dick cheney
01:07:07everyone's spread out we'll have to pick them off one by one muffin top butterface the blazer cyclops
01:07:13cape moth tyrosaurus banks dark jacobs skinny jean the uggs the crocs count dracula and werewolf blitzer
01:07:21breaking news i am going to eat you let's do this wait not yet
01:07:37it's about to go down the epic battle of good looking versus evil to decide the fate of fashion
01:07:42but there appears to be room for one more tim gun
01:07:49let's make it work you sons of bitches
01:07:58hey susie
01:08:03hey jeremy oh again now what looks like susie's not giving you the time of day which i think is
01:08:10noon 30
01:08:10yeah i even wore my new shorts the problem is you're walking by her but you need to be
01:08:16walking by her
01:08:24what are you talking about
01:08:28to get people's attention you need to have confidence and style unreal
01:08:33cheekbones don't hurt look how i own this room
01:08:49now you try
01:08:54be more confidential no smiling this is a fashion show not a hot rock colonic
01:09:23that's the spirit now what was that problem you were having something about a girl who cares
01:09:29and who are you where's my diet water and that's model behavior
01:09:41when we last left our stylish ensemble little nanny the felonious fashion phenom had recruited all of
01:09:47derek zoolander's most evil foes for a battle royale in the heart of paris
01:09:51move over guys
01:09:53oh screw this
01:10:13oh such withering glares if derek and his friends can't defeat these creeps of couture the leaders of the global
01:10:19economic summit will be defenseless
01:10:21against nanny and the red carpet
01:10:23recap
01:10:29nanny's friends are doing a bang up job out there good on them
01:10:35how could you let your daughter do something so despicable
01:10:38i take it you don't have children
01:10:40you see i believe in encouraging what your child is interested in
01:10:43i have an older son elliot he loves the clarinet
01:10:47so we pay for his lessons take him to the orchestra
01:10:50i chaperoned his jazz trio when they got to play at sea world
01:10:53now with nanny she's always been interested in fashion-based criminal activity
01:10:58so that's what i help her with
01:11:00that is what being a dad's all about
01:11:03anyway let's get that gag back in
01:11:14jungle fever
01:11:34whoops
01:11:40gentlemen we just solved world hunger and global warming
01:11:45this is the most productive meeting we've ever had
01:11:48who's up for ending discrimination of any kind
01:11:51uh
01:11:52hi guys is it too late to add something to your agenda lol
01:11:59so guess what you're going to outfit all your grown-ups
01:12:03i'm talking armies navies the lady that gives you the sticker at the doctor
01:12:07exclusively in nanny couture
01:12:10korea your cops are going to rock my two-tone fur tuxedos
01:12:14urugle i've designed chenille and nylon jumpsuits for your firefighters
01:12:18but that is highly flammable
01:12:20omg what was i thinking
01:12:23fashion over function uruguay
01:12:30anyone else want to be all like
01:12:32dude that is highly flammable
01:12:34how about you finland
01:12:37good
01:12:38then get the order to your interior secretaries or treasury people or
01:12:42look i'm a fourth grader i don't know how to run your dumb countries
01:12:46just pass the law or whatever
01:13:00tim gun pulled into the glory hole there is a joke to be made here but i'm not touching it
01:13:07oh my god
01:13:09yo give me a boost evil kanye west
01:13:12oh my god
01:13:37yo give me a boost evil kanye west
01:13:38doesn't look good amigo we're outnumbered
01:13:41or are we
01:13:42yeah there's like twenty of them
01:13:44there's only four of us
01:13:45plus a monkey and tim gun
01:13:47or is there
01:13:48i'll count again if you want but
01:13:49wait a minute easy
01:13:51are you saying what i think you're saying
01:13:53i haven't actually said it but yes
01:13:55you can't try that look it almost killed you
01:13:59i'm more powerful now i can do it i have to do it for matilda
01:14:05okay for matilda i'll distract them
01:14:08i hope i'll be seeing more of you
01:14:12multivitally
01:14:24hey great cheekbones nice outfit you work out
01:14:26what's your moisturizing you can hardly tell you've had work done
01:14:28are you a member of soho house
01:14:30i have to borrow those pants
01:14:31didn't we meet at that thing for giselle
01:14:37take that hits the beards
01:14:39you can't kill me i've got a listening party tonight for c
01:15:03that's not possible a whole truck of pate
01:15:07we are definitely in france
01:15:10let her go nani's dad
01:15:12nani's dad
01:15:38nani's dad
01:15:40oh jeez
01:15:41well only one thing left to do
01:15:47oh gosh darn it trevor
01:15:49kids will do anything right
01:15:51oh oh i am so sorry about all of this
01:15:56would you mind finishing me off
01:16:00sorry half head
01:16:01there'll be no more shame shooting today
01:16:04derek
01:16:05derek
01:16:06but how did
01:16:08multivitamin
01:16:09i thought that was too risky
01:16:10you're worth the risk
01:16:16he was a good zoolander
01:16:19i'm just gonna take his watch
01:16:21it's movado
01:16:25this is epic
01:16:27jod his entire military and deconstructed dolphin skin wedding dresses
01:16:32they're inspired by siamese dream which is like my all-time favorite smashing pumpkins album
01:16:37i'm into a lot of stuff from before i was born
01:16:52i love your look the santos give it a flowy 70s joanie mitchell laurel canyon vibe
01:16:58but you're not going to stop me red carpet reassemble
01:17:07you're going to fight with a hairbrush
01:17:09or do you just want to look good before i make you all dead
01:17:12oh i always look good
01:17:20i mean sure i need a spirulina smoothie in the morning to feel good but
01:17:28where do you think you're going
01:17:29as soon as it's done eating hansel
01:17:31it's going right back on your neck
01:17:33lolol
01:17:34you use lol in strange times
01:17:39hansel
01:17:42Frankie what are you doing
01:17:45hansel
01:17:45you hacked into my heart drive
01:17:48and so remember
01:17:49this fabulous bucket of belching circuits was capable
01:17:54capable of loving you
01:17:59initiate self-destruct
01:18:01Oh, that's the Musee d'Orsay!
01:18:07Oh Frankie, if only I'd been gay and into robots, but everyone knows I'm bi and into mannequins.
01:18:16My red carpet! He was just a deadly alien monster. What did he ever do to you?
01:18:21No! That's my fashion designing hand!
01:18:25Without the red carpet, you've got nothing, Nani. You're just a scared little boy.
01:18:30Girl, girl, girl!
01:18:33A scared, confused little boy.
01:18:37Don't come any closer, Zoolander, or the President of the Republic of Chad gets it!
01:18:44Good try, but there is no Republic of Chad.
01:18:48Here's a message from the Commonwealth of Derrick. Crush Dennery!
01:18:58We did it, Hansel. The world is safe from Nani's fashion terrorism.
01:19:02But Derrick, Chad is a real country. I know because I once had a three-way with a model from
01:19:07Chad and Chad Lowe.
01:19:09Oh, well. It sounds pretty fake. Don't worry. I caught Chad. Good work, Derrick.
01:19:17Take him away!
01:19:19Take her away. I'm a girl.
01:19:23I've got a feeling we'll be seeing Nani again.
01:19:30Nice! You earned it, guys.
01:19:47A toast to Matilda's new job at the New York Times.
01:19:51Well, technically, it's captioning their Instagram feed, but there's a lot you can get across when you're limited to just
01:19:56a few.
01:19:56Frankie, too? A refill?
01:20:03Hey!
01:20:04Frankie, too? Oops. I guess I was rebuilt with like 80% more catiness.
01:20:09Now Dijangelo has to take off her shirt, which will lead to us having sex, so...
01:20:14Thanks, Frankie, too!
01:20:18That's fantastic!
01:20:19No, you're the schmuck!
01:20:22That was Donna Karan. She wants you to be the new faces of her spring line.
01:20:26That is, if you can take a break from stopping no-goodniks and finally focus on your careers!
01:20:32Of course, Maury. We don't need to solve every crisis that comes along. We're just models.
01:20:40Attention! Our day of vengeance is at hand.
01:20:43All models who have ever worn the skins of our brethren, line up against the wall.
01:20:54How will our heroic hunk stop these blood-crazed critters? Tune in next time.
01:20:59Oh, what's that? This is the last chapter. Well, someone write some fan fiction. Please, I need closure!
01:21:33All right, accessory.
01:21:34We'll be out of here.
01:21:35We'll be out all night at this benefit for children with bad fashion sense.
01:21:38I don't want you getting into any trouble while we're gone.
01:21:41Don't break my trophies for Most Best Model or spill Hansel's jar of gluten-free gluten.
01:21:46And whatever you do, don't open this box of poisonous snakes I received as a gift from Harmony Corrine.
01:21:51I don't even want to think about how much trouble that would cause.
01:21:55Okay, bye!
01:21:56Bye!
01:22:31Private equity fund managers are reducing their investments after news of the government bailout.
01:22:37The European Rescue Fund would protect brains in Italy from any risks spreading from the crisis in Spain.
01:22:44But in the U.S. Congress, the Joint Super Committee has only three weeks to come up with a deficit
01:22:50reduction plan.
01:23:20You stayed out of trouble like always, no matter how crazy life gets, you really keep me centered.
01:23:26Good night, son.
01:23:56Very healthy.
01:23:58Good night.
01:24:09You
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