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00:00MUSIC
00:24Good evening, welcome to Would I Lie To You,
00:27the show in which it pays to be economical
00:29with the truth. On Lee Mack's team tonight,
00:32a comedian, podcaster and star of Last One Laughing,
00:35it's Lou Sanders.
00:40And from YouTube to I'm A Celeb to here tonight,
00:45it's Nella Rose.
00:49And on David Mitchell's team tonight,
00:51a stand-up comic who is back for more,
00:54it's Nabil Abdul Rashid.
00:55CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
00:58And he's the face with the base,
01:01the charmer who's a farmer,
01:03it's Blur's Alex James!
01:06CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:09We begin with round one, Home Truths,
01:11where our panellists read out a statement from the card in front of them.
01:14To make things harder, they've never seen the card before,
01:17so they've no idea what they'll be faced with.
01:19It's up to the opposing team to sort the fact from the fiction.
01:22Lou, you're first up tonight.
01:24Oh, lovely.
01:26At a Blur gig,
01:27I threw one of my socks at my favourite band member,
01:31only for him to throw it back.
01:33LAUGHTER
01:35David's team.
01:35Is your favourite Graham?
01:37Graham's my favourite.
01:38What's wrong with Damon?
01:40Nothing's wrong with Damon.
01:41That's not what you were saying backstage.
01:43LAUGHTER
01:45Who is your favourite member of Blur that is here tonight?
01:50Oh, well, Alex, yeah.
01:52He's my favourite member now,
01:54but at the time I was a lot younger,
01:56and I just went for looks.
01:59LAUGHTER
02:03I went for bad boys at the time.
02:06Now, of course...
02:07Who's the bad boy of Blur?
02:08It's Damon Albarn.
02:10Tell us about the sock-throwing incident.
02:12I just got excited.
02:14I was swinging it around,
02:15cos I'm a laugh.
02:17LAUGHTER
02:18Why were you swinging it around?
02:20Well, I changed my footwear to be more comfortable,
02:22cos you can't wear, like, high heels at a gig.
02:25I was trying to make my friend laugh with this bit,
02:27cos it's a sock, not underwear.
02:29Well, it is underwear, but it's not, like, the sexy stuff.
02:31I don't know, it is where I wear it.
02:33LAUGHTER
02:36LAUGHTER
02:42Oh, my God!
02:44You must show me how you did it.
02:46Well, let's have a go.
02:48Let's have a go.
02:49Let's have a go.
02:49Let's have a go.
02:49Wait, are you trying this for the first time?
02:51No, the second time.
02:53Don't fold it just as it is.
02:55Wave it through the air.
02:55So, I'm about here.
02:58Right.
02:58All right.
03:00LAUGHTER
03:02APPLAUSE
03:03Well, it's not right you've done that.
03:07No, no, no, no, no.
03:09Please let David pick it up.
03:12LAUGHTER
03:13I'm interested to see, David,
03:15if you have the strength to throw it back.
03:17All right.
03:17Oh, good.
03:18Get some real...
03:20LAUGHTER
03:23APPLAUSE
03:26I think it might be the least satisfying round of applause I've ever had.
03:31LAUGHTER
03:33Where was the gig, and when?
03:35I actually don't know, because it was a long time ago.
03:38Do people throw things at you on stage when you were in blur?
03:41I got cheese, mainly, yes, a lot of cheese.
03:44Never saw a sock.
03:46OK, you arrived in high heels, right?
03:49And you changed into what?
03:51We were going to a day thing for my friend's birthday,
03:54and that was, like, a dressy lunch.
03:56Then we were going to see Blair in the evening,
03:57and I had to change the shoes, and I put on some flat shoes.
04:01With which pair of shoes were the socks designed to go?
04:05With the heels.
04:06So, the heels were, like, booties.
04:08So, the socks go with high heels that are sort of boots...
04:11Yeah, booties.
04:11..and so cover the socks.
04:12Can you say booties?
04:14I'd rather not...
04:15I thoughties, I would say that's for a baby.
04:18LAUGHTER
04:19Were you a baby?
04:20I'm your little baby.
04:21Oh, no, no, no.
04:23No, no, no, no.
04:26No.
04:27Stop, Lou.
04:28Just stop, please.
04:29That's horrific.
04:30Please.
04:32Please.
04:33No.
04:35Alex, you're in a good position.
04:36You know what happens at gigs.
04:38I think it's a lovely, lovely load of rubbish.
04:42Nabil?
04:43I've never seen anyone throw socks,
04:45and I've been to some wild concerts as well.
04:47It's a lie.
04:48We'll go lie.
04:50We'll go lie.
04:50Lou, they think it's a lie.
04:52Was it a lie or was it actually true?
04:54It was...
04:55..a lie.
04:56Because you're the best-looking one!
04:59LAUGHTER
05:02It's a lie.
05:03It's a lie.
05:03Lou didn't throw a sock at blur.
05:06Nabil, you're next.
05:10When I'm on the train, I like to predict which stop other passengers will get off at just by the
05:15way they look.
05:17LAUGHTER
05:17Wow.
05:17Lee's tea.
05:18That's quite a skill.
05:21I never said I was good at it.
05:23LAUGHTER
05:24What's your technique?
05:26It depends.
05:26Like, you know, if I'm on a train and there's a guy, like, wearing a sock and sandals, um...
05:35You're saying Bethlehem?
05:38LAUGHTER
05:39Bethlehem or Shoreditch, you know?
05:43They both have gluten-free bread.
05:45LAUGHTER
05:47I think your reference is to unleavened bread.
05:50I don't think that's gluten-free.
05:52I think that's just not the reason.
05:54Because you remember that from back in the day, don't you?
05:56That's right, Lou, because I'm several thousand years old.
06:00LAUGHTER
06:00So, give us some examples, Nabil.
06:02You're on a typical commute.
06:04What sort of people would you see and where would they be going?
06:07I observe what they're eating, how they're moving, what they're doing.
06:10If they're very...
06:11What they're eating?
06:12If they're eating things like, you know, a couscous...
06:18You said if they're eating...
06:20If they're eating couscous.
06:21Have you ever been on a train?
06:24LAUGHTER
06:24Yes!
06:24But also, what about if someone's going to visit a friend?
06:28Have you thought of that?
06:29People who eat couscous on the train don't have friends.
06:31That would be silly.
06:33Where will they be going if they are eating couscous?
06:36They're going to Brighton or Hove.
06:39LAUGHTER
06:39So, can you remember the first person you guessed, whether you got it right or not?
06:43And did they stand up just before they got off and you thought there's a clue?
06:47LAUGHTER
06:48No.
06:49LAUGHTER
06:50Can you imagine him just people watching on a tube?
06:53I can't!
06:54I can't.
06:54Does anyone remember when, like, MI5 had the adverts where she said,
06:59do you know where the person next to you is getting off?
07:01Yeah.
07:03MI5?
07:03We're asking people...
07:06Well, I don't remember that particular...
07:08I actually remember!
07:09..spy advert.
07:10LAUGHTER
07:11What was the point of the MI5 advert, then?
07:14I think if you got it right, then you could join.
07:17LAUGHTER
07:17I see.
07:18OK.
07:20Right, Lee's team, what do you think?
07:21He's lying, isn't he?
07:23Yeah, he's lying.
07:23Everybody say he's lying.
07:24He's a liar.
07:25He's lying rather than he's a liar.
07:27I mean...
07:28LAUGHTER
07:28Just a bit of fun, it's not Judge Judy.
07:32LAUGHTER
07:33They think it's a lie, Nabil.
07:34Was it a lie or were you telling the truth?
07:36It was true.
07:37Oh!
07:38APPLAUSE
07:42It's true, Nabil does judge people on trains.
07:46Nella, you're next.
07:48OK.
07:51Until I saw one on I'm a Celebrity,
07:54I thought ostriches were mythical creatures.
07:58David's team.
07:59What was the context for seeing it on I'm a Celebrity?
08:02So, I think I was in, like, year eight or year nine
08:05and it was the year that Ian Wright was thrown into the jungle.
08:10So, this wasn't when you appeared on it?
08:11No, no, no.
08:11This was you as a viewer?
08:12No, no, no.
08:13This was me as a child.
08:14Ah, right, OK.
08:15They had him in, like, this house.
08:17And then, at the end, it was like they shoved him in a room
08:21with a six-foot bird.
08:23It was an ostrich.
08:24And I was like, they're not real.
08:27And why is everybody, like, so normal about it?
08:30Because it's not normal.
08:31Yeah.
08:31Because if you were to see a six-foot rat, you would scream.
08:34Yeah.
08:34Can I just say, I absolutely love your nails,
08:37but I think you can have my hands.
08:38Sorry!
08:42Sorry, but it's just, like, it just...
08:46It just doesn't make sense.
08:50Well, yeah, I just remember thinking, like, this isn't...
08:54This isn't normal.
08:57It was an episode of I'm a Celebrity where Ian Wright
09:00had to go through several rooms, picking up stars.
09:04Yes.
09:04And then in the last room...
09:06There was an ostrich.
09:06There was an ostrich.
09:08How big's the room?
09:10Cutesy.
09:11You know?
09:11Not too big, not too small.
09:13You know, David.
09:14Cutesy.
09:15Not a large room.
09:17Not like a cathedral.
09:19No.
09:20A small room.
09:20I love the fact you do room sizes by cutesy,
09:22and you do them by cathedrals.
09:25Had you heard of emus?
09:27I research everything that petrifies me.
09:30I know about the emus, I know about the ostriches,
09:32I know about all them birds.
09:33Did you think emus were mythical?
09:34Come on, if I was so...
09:37If I was to describe an ostrich to you...
09:41If I was to describe an ostrich to you,
09:44you wouldn't relieve me.
09:49Had anyone ever shown you a picture?
09:52But I just wouldn't think it's real,
09:53cos what is that?
09:54What if one of those pictures had been a photograph?
09:57I've seen pictures of dinosaurs,
09:59I've never seen a dinosaur in real life.
10:01I swear you will not have seen a photograph of a dinosaur.
10:07David, what's your team going to say?
10:09I hold her in high esteem,
10:11I just don't think she'll be that stupid.
10:16Do you think it's a lie?
10:17I think so.
10:18I think we agree.
10:20You're going to say a lie?
10:20It might be true.
10:21OK.
10:22But you're saying lies.
10:23But we'll say lie,
10:24and if it's true, we'll say,
10:25well, we did say that it might be true.
10:27So, anyway, that's fine.
10:29Nella, they're saying it's a lie.
10:31Was it a lie or was that all true?
10:33It was...
10:35the tree.
10:36Oh!
10:38APPLAUSE
10:39It's true.
10:40Nella did think ostriches were mythical creatures.
10:43Alex, you're up next.
10:47I once had to run for my life
10:49when my own animals turned on me.
10:52It's Jurassic Park.
10:54Lee's team.
10:55How many different animals do you have on your farm?
10:58We've got cats, dogs, pigs, sheep, ducks...
11:02Uh...
11:03Sheeps.
11:04More sheeps.
11:05But...
11:05I'm not farmer, but I know sheeps is,
11:07not the plural of sheep.
11:09It is an alternative plural.
11:10Sheeps.
11:11I hate you.
11:14Did you say loads of animals went for you,
11:17or just one type of animal?
11:19It was a pack of about two dozen steers.
11:23What steers?
11:23Steers are young bulls.
11:26Can I just take a moment to include Nella in the story as well?
11:29Just so you know, bulls are real.
11:31LAUGHTER
11:32I know that.
11:33You know that.
11:34Talk us through how it happened.
11:35I was going to the Chelsea Flower Show.
11:37Lovely.
11:37The elder was in blossom.
11:39Oh.
11:39The chaffinch was out.
11:41It was the first flush of spring.
11:42Right.
11:43The first flush of spring is when you last go to the loo after the winter.
11:47LAUGHTER
11:48You've left the farm to go to the Chelsea Flower Show.
11:50And then I put my Versace suit on.
11:52Ooh!
11:53My Chelsea boots and there's literally a station at the bottom of the farm.
11:58Station Field.
11:59I got to Station Field and they've moved the steers.
12:02They haven't told me.
12:02Who's they?
12:03The Cowboys.
12:04Dave and Neil.
12:05Dave and Neil, OK.
12:06They've moved the steers into Station Field.
12:08So I saw the steers in the far corner of the field.
12:11Right.
12:11And I'd been briefed on what happens if...
12:15..if the steers kick off.
12:16Oh, what's the brief?
12:17Run for it.
12:18That's a brief, is it?
12:20LAUGHTER
12:21It's a brief, brief.
12:22There's the old watercress pond in the middle of the field.
12:25Yeah.
12:26With a barbed wire fence around it.
12:28I got to the point of no return.
12:30Yes.
12:31And they knew.
12:32And one of them kicked, one of them bucked and suddenly they were all...
12:35Stampede!
12:36Stampeding!
12:37It was an actual stampede.
12:38It was an actual form.
12:38Was there any part of you as a pop star who was happy to be attracting the attention of the
12:44young one?
12:44LAUGHTER
12:46So where did you run to, Alex?
12:48I ran and I managed to plant a hand on the post for the watercress.
12:53Vaulted the barbed wire up to my waist in muddy, er...
12:57Oh, dear.
12:58They were doing all that bull stuff.
12:59They were pouring...
13:00Rrrr, rrrr, rrrr, rrrr, rrrr, rrrr.
13:02LAUGHTER
13:03How did you get away?
13:05I got my phone out going,
13:06Neil, come and get me, please, quickly.
13:09He jumps in the pick-up, tearing over the field, honking the horn.
13:12And then shoots the lot of them, yeah?
13:14LAUGHTER
13:14Delicious.
13:15Yeah.
13:16I got my own back.
13:19LAUGHTER
13:22Was the meat tender?
13:23Right, let's move on for one of their songs.
13:26They had a song called Tender, didn't you?
13:28We did indeed, yeah.
13:28There we are.
13:29OK.
13:30Tender is the night.
13:33What do you think, Lou?
13:34Is he telling the truth?
13:35I just did that so you get royalties.
13:37I think it has to be recognisable.
13:38LAUGHTER
13:47What are you thinking?
13:48Nella, what do you reckon?
13:49I don't think he's lying at all.
13:50It's a very realistic story.
13:52I mean, Alex's physique, he does look like the kind of man
13:55that could outrun some steer.
13:57I think he's telling the truth.
13:59I'll go with my team and say that that is true.
14:01They think it's true, Alex.
14:02Was it true or was it a lie?
14:05It was true.
14:11It's true, Alex's animals did turn on him.
14:15Our next round is called This Is My, where we bring on a mystery
14:18guest who has a close connection to one of our panellists.
14:21This week, each of Lee's team will claim it's them that has
14:23the genuine connection to the guest.
14:25It's up to David's team to spot who's telling the truth.
14:28So please welcome this week's special guest, Craig.
14:35APPLAUSE
14:37So, Lee, what is Craig to you?
14:41This is Craig and I've made two attempts to impress him in my life
14:46and bringing him on the show is the third.
14:49Nella, how do you know Craig?
14:52So, this is Craig.
14:53He's the teacher that I caught bunking off school
14:55whilst I was bunking off school.
14:58Finally, Lee, what is your relationship with Craig?
15:02This is Craig.
15:03He had to say sorry to me after his driverless car
15:07took me on a 20-minute joyride.
15:10LAUGHTER
15:10So there you have it.
15:12Lou's cool companion, Nella's skiving school teacher
15:15or Lee's penitent pal.
15:18David, where will you begin?
15:19Uh, Lou.
15:20Your little baby.
15:22LAUGHTER
15:24I absolutely love David's face when you say that.
15:27LAUGHTER
15:29You've twice tried to impress Craig.
15:31Mm...
15:32Jealous?
15:33LAUGHTER
15:40How have you tried to impress him?
15:43OK, it was when I was five, I think the first time was.
15:46That was when I had a party in my bedroom.
15:49I invited about six kids round and I had a 50p budget
15:54and got him round so that I could kiss him
15:57because I'd seen it in the movies.
15:58Did you know him?
15:59He was in my class.
16:00Me and my friend Vicky planned it all
16:03and in the ante, he kissed Vicky.
16:05LAUGHTER
16:06So you said this party was on a 50p budget?
16:09Yes.
16:10Now, what do you get?
16:11I realise this was a little while ago.
16:13Yes.
16:13Look at Craig.
16:15LAUGHTER
16:16What do you get for 50p?
16:18At Tangy Toms, the crisps, you get, like, ten packets of them
16:22because they were 5p.
16:24Ten packets of crisps?
16:26One very young person there almost fainted.
16:30What?!
16:30LAUGHTER
16:31How did a young Craig respond?
16:34Not an ideal response from Craig.
16:36There was a lot of focus on him and a lot of pressure on him
16:40and...
16:40He wet himself.
16:42LAUGHTER
16:43Well, hang on, there's a lot of focus on him tonight.
16:45LAUGHTER
16:46Is that why he's holding on like that?
16:48LAUGHTER
16:48He didn't love it.
16:50Now, you said that you've tried to impress him twice.
16:53What was the second time?
16:55Second time, probably two years after.
16:57So, PE and I had got emerald green sparkly leotard and leggings.
17:03I knew that Craig didn't love me,
17:05but I knew that if he could see me in my leotard and leggings,
17:09he'd start to, sort of, get an idea.
17:13LAUGHTER
17:13You're saying you would be irresistible to him?
17:16LAUGHTER
17:16I think I had headbands and wristbands as well.
17:19Right.
17:19So, what was everyone else wearing?
17:21Black shorts, white T-shirt.
17:23And you were all green like Kermit the Frog.
17:27And now, all these years later...
17:29Yeah.
17:29..you're telling us you've invited him here to impress him.
17:32Yes.
17:32How have you kept in touch?
17:33The restraining order's finished.
17:36LAUGHTER
17:38A little thing called Instagram.
17:40What does he do now, Lou? What's his line of work?
17:43Oh, I don't know, take an interest.
17:45LAUGHTER
17:46Who would you like to quiz next?
17:48Well, we'll ask Nella next.
17:50Nella, remind us of how you know Craig.
17:53So, he's the teacher I caught bunking off school the same day that I was bunking.
17:57Right.
17:57What school was this?
17:58St Mary's Church of England in Hendon.
18:01Oh, you went to school in Hendon as well?
18:02Yeah.
18:03What?
18:04Hi.
18:04Hi.
18:06Could you two get a room?
18:08LAUGHTER
18:09Right next to me and David.
18:11LAUGHTER
18:16Goodness me.
18:18It gets worse and worse and worse.
18:21That's what the reviews say.
18:23LAUGHTER
18:24Hey, Alex, fancy getting together?
18:27LAUGHTER
18:28What age are you at this point?
18:30I'm year 11.
18:32Year 11.
18:32Mm-hm.
18:33So, do you know what an ostrich is by this point?
18:35Yes, I do.
18:37And why are you bunking off school?
18:39Sometimes they'll be, like, a supply teacher.
18:42If the supply teacher was in the spot of where my teacher was supposed to be,
18:47I'm out.
18:48What did he teach?
18:49Geography.
18:50Come on, look at him, bless him.
18:52LAUGHTER
18:53Now, you say you caught him bunking off.
18:57How did that happen?
18:58Imagine I'm walking to first period, pop my head in, I'm looking for Mr George.
19:02I'm seeing a supply teacher.
19:04Yeah.
19:04So, I'm like, I don't need to be there.
19:06No.
19:06He doesn't even know what he's about to teach.
19:08So, I'm thinking, Mr George is not here.
19:11Three period, might just pop next door and watch Twilight.
19:14There's a cinema next door to the school.
19:17It was, like, boop, boop, cinema.
19:20What time of day is this, then?
19:22This is, like, nine.
19:25So, there's a 9am screening of Twilight.
19:29LAUGHTER
19:29They're in there getting the popcorn going at a quarter to eight, I imagine.
19:34LAUGHTER
19:34Just for the big 9am rush on a weekday in term time.
19:40They are screenings that are that early, then.
19:42I want to know when Craig enters the story.
19:45So, then, movie's just amazing, because you know when you read the book
19:49and then you expect the movie to be, like, really...
19:51As I say, when does Craig enter the story?
19:54So, basically, I'm in there, I'm watching the movie.
19:57Till this day, I go to the cinema by myself.
19:59Favourite activity.
20:00When did Craig enter the story?
20:02LAUGHTER
20:04The movie's over, the lights come on, and I see Mr George.
20:10So, wait, he skived work and then went somewhere next door to where he works.
20:16LAUGHTER
20:16Yeah!
20:17So, did you say hello?
20:20I popped my blazer up like this and scurried off.
20:24Did you say anything?
20:25No, I just looked at him like this.
20:27But he knew?
20:28Yeah, he knew that I knew.
20:31LAUGHTER
20:31Now, what about Lee?
20:34Lee, remind us of how you know Craig.
20:37This is Craig.
20:37He had to say sorry to me after his driverless car
20:40took me on a 20-minute joyride.
20:43Sadly, we have no more time for questions.
20:46Where are we?
20:48We are in London, near Victoria.
20:51Near Victoria Station.
20:53No.
20:53Or near my wife.
20:55LAUGHTER
20:55I'm sorry, Lou.
20:57Baby's got a wife.
20:59LAUGHTER
21:00What happened?
21:02LAUGHTER
21:03This is Craig and he had to say sorry to me...
21:06LAUGHTER
21:07..after his driverless car took me on a 20-minute joyride.
21:11I wasn't aware we had driverless cars in London.
21:14We don't have driverless cars in London, correct.
21:17They are now starting to try to sell them,
21:19hence me agreeing to look at one for him.
21:23OK.
21:24His company's in Victoria and we started there
21:27and we drove this car on the back of his big pick-up truck
21:31to a test track just outside London.
21:33Right.
21:34Well, I'm glad you included the Victoria bit of the story.
21:37Why not?
21:38Her story started when she was five.
21:40I thought I could go back an hour.
21:42LAUGHTER
21:42So, you get in and what happens?
21:44So, I get in the car.
21:46Front or back?
21:48Yay!
21:50Why don't you buy me your drink first, Rob,
21:51and we'll discuss you later.
21:53LAUGHTER
21:54In the back, obviously, in the back.
21:56It had been programmed already with my name,
21:58so it said, hello, Lee,
22:00but I knew it wasn't committed because the lilt of the Lee was wrong.
22:03It sort of went, hello, Lee.
22:05LAUGHTER
22:06Where can I take you?
22:09And what did you say?
22:10Dogging.
22:13LAUGHTER
22:15I said, is it all right, forget the dogging?
22:18LAUGHTER
22:21That's what I meant.
22:21What did you think I meant?
22:24LAUGHTER
22:26Unfortunately, because I'm quite inquisitive,
22:28I started pressing buttons,
22:30and I pressed the previous setting,
22:32which was to go to a shopping centre,
22:35like, 20 minutes from the track.
22:37So, it started going through the gate of the test track,
22:40then I realised we're now on a proper road.
22:42I should have known, because if I looked behind me,
22:44I'd have seen him going.
22:45LAUGHTER
22:47I was trapped, and I was frightened.
22:49I don't mind telling you.
22:50And you didn't ring Craig?
22:52Erm, I don't think I did ring Craig, no.
22:55Why not?
22:56I did ring Craig, yes.
22:58LAUGHTER
22:58And I said, erm, I've been kidnapped by your car.
23:00What did he say?
23:01He told me how to talk it back.
23:03He said, you need to say sorry.
23:06LAUGHTER
23:09To you, Craig, or to the car?
23:10And he said, no, to me.
23:12I said, I'm sorry, Craig.
23:13Right, well, now I'll tell you, cos he was livid.
23:15Right.
23:16I did the manual button bit, press, press, press.
23:19Yeah.
23:19And within a second, it said, back to the test track type thing.
23:22Why did he have to apologise to you?
23:25It's your fault.
23:26You tampered with the buttons.
23:28Because it should be foolproof.
23:30I'm sure that's what he was using you to check.
23:34We need an answer.
23:35So, is Craig Lou's cool companion, Nella's skiving school teacher,
23:43or Lee's penitent pal?
23:45Have you ever heard of Twilight screening at nine o'clock in the morning?
23:48It seems a bit early to me.
23:50But then, what about Lou's business?
23:54LAUGHTER
23:55Well, could Lou be sort of a kind of obsessive,
23:58sort of delusional, yet predatory figure,
24:02even from early childhood?
24:05Yes.
24:07So, I think there is no doubt in my mind that Lou's story could be true.
24:13David, time to decide.
24:14Right.
24:14We're all going to say one of those three people's names
24:17at the count of three as one,
24:19and then work out what we've said.
24:21One, two, three.
24:23No, me.
24:24LAUGHTER
24:27That was Lee saying Lee.
24:29What did you say?
24:30I didn't say Lee.
24:31You said Lee!
24:32LAUGHTER
24:33Do you think it's Lee?
24:35I just don't.
24:36You don't know?
24:36It's fine, so you're...
24:37I know it can be a bit much, this process.
24:41Come on, David.
24:42It's time to decide.
24:43Do you see the problem I'm in?
24:44Yes.
24:45The advice I need.
24:47But you...
24:51You're...
24:53You want me to say Lee?
24:54You want me to say Lee?
24:55That's what you're asking me to do?
24:56On television?
24:58LAUGHTER
25:00David.
25:01We're going Lou.
25:02The consultation process is over.
25:05We're going Lou.
25:07You're saying Lou.
25:09Craig, would you please reveal your true identity?
25:12I'm Craig, and this is Lou's third attempt to impress me.
25:18LAUGHTER
25:19APPLAUSE
25:20Whoo!
25:21Yes, Craig is Lou's cool companion.
25:24Thank you very much, Craig.
25:27APPLAUSE
25:29Cheers, Craig.
25:32Which brings us to our final round, Quickfire Lives,
25:35and we start with...
25:38It's...
25:40I'm struggling to bond with my new dog
25:42because his woof sounds just like my ex-boyfriend's cough.
25:46LAUGHTER
25:47David's team.
25:48Your most recent ex-boyfriend?
25:50Yeah.
25:50When did you split up?
25:51About two years ago.
25:53But love of my life.
25:54What was his name?
25:56Jack.
25:56Jack.
25:57Jack Russell.
25:59LAUGHTER
26:00What is the dog's name?
26:01You're going to make fun of me, but he is called Rover.
26:04LAUGHTER
26:05Really?
26:06Yeah.
26:07What sort of dog is...
26:09It is a Jack Russell.
26:10It is a Jack Russell.
26:12It is a Jack Russell.
26:12That's Lou.
26:13It is a Jack Russell.
26:14Just a little quiet word.
26:15And...
26:16Don't push it.
26:17LAUGHTER
26:18So you've got a Jack Russell...
26:21Called Rover.
26:22Called Rover.
26:23LAUGHTER
26:24How long have you had the dog?
26:26Not long.
26:27Six months.
26:28And how long did it take you to notice the haunting echo of Jack's cough?
26:33Yes.
26:33My friend Claire pointed out.
26:35Because I didn't even notice and now I can't un-hear it.
26:37Your friend Claire said...
26:39Yeah.
26:40I tell you what, that dog's bark is really like...
26:44Do you remember Jack?
26:44You know, the one who broke your heart, the love of your life,
26:47didn't work out?
26:49Do you remember his cough?
26:51LAUGHTER
26:52Just to clarify this, I'm going to ask you to do an impression of Jack,
26:57your ex-lover.
26:58Yeah.
26:58And then an impression of Rover.
27:02Yeah.
27:02So first of all, Jack the boyfriend.
27:04Yeah.
27:05Go.
27:05You're not meeting my mum.
27:07Why do you need to meet my mum?
27:08No, no, no, no, no.
27:09LAUGHTER
27:09No, he's cough.
27:11The cough.
27:12The cough.
27:13APPLAUSE
27:16So, the cough of the boyfriend.
27:19CUMMING
27:20OK.
27:22Now, the bark of the dog.
27:24CUMMING
27:27Virtually indistinguishable.
27:28Let's have the cough of the boyfriend again.
27:31CUMMING
27:31Bark of the dog.
27:39CUMMING
27:42They're getting more and more different, actually.
27:45I didn't train at Radha.
27:47LAUGHTER
27:48What did you do there?
27:50LAUGHTER
27:52What were you thinking?
27:54I don't think it's true.
27:55OK.
27:56Nabil?
27:56I've never heard a dog bark like that.
27:59Alex?
27:59I've heard a sheep cough like that.
28:04LAUGHTER
28:04They think it's a lie.
28:06OK, Lou, was it a lie, or were you telling the truth?
28:09Visley.
28:09It was a lie.
28:11LAUGHTER
28:13APPLAUSE
28:14Yes, it's a lie, Lou's dog doesn't sound like her ex.
28:20That noise signals time is up and it's the end of the show.
28:22I can reveal that David's team has won by four points to two.
28:27APPLAUSE
28:30Thanks for watching. We'll see you next time. Good night.
28:36APPLAUSE
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