- 22 hours ago
Going Dutch - Season 2 Episode 7 -Twenty-Year Sitch
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00:04Congratulations, Major Shaw, on 20 years of distinguished service in the United States
00:09Army.
00:10I insisted on being here today in front of your friends and family to bestow this honor
00:14upon you and take it away from Colonel Quinn.
00:18Well done, Major Shaw.
00:20Here we go.
00:20Thank you, sir.
00:22Thank you so much.
00:23All right.
00:24Whoo!
00:24Hell yeah!
00:25Happy 20 years!
00:26Happy 20 years!
00:27Happy 20 years.
00:2820 years.
00:29I can't believe it.
00:30In my two decades, the American military has won and abandoned so much of the Middle East.
00:35Yeah.
00:35But what's made it worthwhile are the friends and family I've made along the way.
00:39Like all of you.
00:40Aww.
00:40Now, I know how much you like the movie Up.
00:42I do.
00:42I got 80 more of these in the van.
00:44You want to see if I can get lift off in a high ceiling room or what?
00:47I was hoping you'd say that.
00:48We're doing it.
00:49I know how much you love nasty grandma candy.
00:52Oh, hard candy wreath?
00:53Yeah.
00:54My favorite, including all the best flavors.
00:57Brown, light brown, and beige.
00:58Yes!
00:59You guys, this is too much.
01:00No, it's not.
01:0120 years is deserving of an honorable gift.
01:05The singing cactus I sent you so many TikToks about?
01:08Is it the one that's inappropriately somber?
01:10Um...
01:12Oh!
01:14It is the one.
01:15Aww.
01:16This is just what I wanted.
01:18I didn't know this was a thing.
01:20So...
01:21You're traditionally not into things, and...
01:23Oh, it's...
01:24You know, it's not a thing.
01:25It's not a thing.
01:25No, it's a big thing.
01:2720 is not just a big thing.
01:28It's the biggest thing.
01:29Yeah.
01:30It means you get your pension and your lifetime healthcare.
01:32And more important than anything else, really, the respect and acknowledgement of
01:36MUA.
01:39A challenge coin?
01:40Yeah.
01:42Six different colors.
01:43You guys, thank you for all the gifts.
01:46I love you, man.
01:46Yeah, we can't watch you.
01:48Oh, also, I forgot.
01:49I got you, um, this.
01:50It's a matcha, and I just tried a little bit of it to make sure it's not too cold.
01:55I held it until the ice melted.
01:58Hmm.
01:59You got him a drink.
02:02Mm.
02:02That you already drank.
02:05Uh, this is gonna hit the spot to make sense.
02:07Aww.
02:08Do I have to drink it?
02:31Oh, are you packing for your camping trip?
02:34Celebrating Major Shaw's 20 years?
02:36It's a rite of passage.
02:37Yeah?
02:37I think it's great that the two of you get to spend some time together.
02:41One last hurrah.
02:43What are you talking about?
02:44Now that he's hit 20, he's considering retirement and has met with the transition officer a bomb
02:49holder.
02:49I don't believe you.
02:50I think you're lying.
02:51You know, this is privileged information that you cannot act on, which makes it more
02:55fun for me.
02:57Yeah, yeah.
02:58Hey!
02:58Hey!
02:59General Davidson, didn't realize you were still here.
03:01Major Shaw didn't realize that you were still here.
03:02Hey!
03:03You know what?
03:03I was just checking the weather about our trip tonight, and it looks crazy if there's
03:07a cold front coming in.
03:08It's gonna rain.
03:09And now they're saying snow.
03:10So I think maybe we should move it.
03:11Like six months to the summertime.
03:12You'll be here, right?
03:13I already got permission from Celeste for tonight.
03:15Not that I need a permission, because I am my own man.
03:17I do what I wanna do.
03:18Sure.
03:19You know, but I'll check a calendar, alright.
03:20Great.
03:20Summer.
03:21Six months from now.
03:22Well, what about 12 months?
03:23Well, the app doesn't go that far.
03:24I have a feeling that the weather will be even better in 12 months.
03:28It's a feeling.
03:28That's not the app.
03:29What weather app are we looking at?
03:30Just answer the question.
03:32The...
03:32Okay.
03:34Uh...
03:34Well, the weather looks pretty great right now, so why don't we give tonight a shot
03:37and just see how it goes, maybe?
03:38Smart.
03:39Keep your options open.
03:41Okay, so then I'll see you tonight, Colonel?
03:42Or in 12 months, maybe 18 months, because I don't know what's happening here.
03:45Okay.
03:48I hope I haven't ruined your trip.
03:50Oh, you haven't ruined my trip.
03:51It's the camping trip where I convince Shaw to become a lifer.
03:55The only thing that's going to convince Shaw of is that he should have retired five years ago.
04:02You need a hobby, sir.
04:04This...
04:05is my hobby.
04:06Huh.
04:10I know you love seeing Celeste completely blow it in front of her husband, who you're secretly
04:14in love with.
04:15No, I did not.
04:16I really would like one side of the love triangle to be happy, right?
04:20What?
04:20Good to be happy.
04:22Oh!
04:22Oh!
04:23Let's get over.
04:24Oh, um...
04:25Oh, yeah, come in.
04:26Okay.
04:27Can I ask you guys something?
04:29Of course.
04:29Okay.
04:30Do you think that Abe was upset that, like, didn't do more for his 20th?
04:34No.
04:35No.
04:35In fact, I think he might be upset at the idea of him being upset.
04:39More than he could be upset.
04:41Oh my gosh, yeah.
04:41I feel like that totally summarizes our whole relationship.
04:43We're constantly misinterpreting each other.
04:45I'll think he's, like, mad, but really he's just hungry.
04:47And then I'll think he's hungry when really he just wants to make a baby.
04:51Oh, my God.
04:52Yeah.
04:52Straight couples are crazy.
04:53I really want to make it up to him.
04:55I know he really loved those presents, especially that little cactus.
04:58They say that?
04:59I can tell.
05:00Can you?
05:00Or maybe he's hungry.
05:02Huh.
05:02I was hoping I could run some ideas past you guys.
05:05Yeah.
05:05We're actually busy.
05:06We're so busy.
05:07Give us a list.
05:08How about a hot stone massage?
05:10Oh.
05:10I take some rocks from our yard, preheat the oven.
05:12Okay, hold on, hold on.
05:13Outside rocks?
05:14Mm-hmm.
05:14Yeah, those are jagged.
05:16Like, you need special stones.
05:17Special training certification.
05:20Yeah, that too.
05:20What if I made us dinner?
05:22Lovely.
05:22Well, that's better than rubbing on them with rocks.
05:24Yeah.
05:25Dinner in bed.
05:26Mm-hmm.
05:27Bed.
05:27Yeah, and I'll make his favorite spaghetti and meatballs.
05:29That sounds like a wet meal for bed.
05:31Mm-hmm.
05:32Like, too wet.
05:32Yeah, wet bed.
05:33Or, you know, even speaking of dinner, you could plan a dinner with his friends.
05:37That is such a good idea.
05:38I don't know why I was overthinking it.
05:39Yeah, do that.
05:40Yeah, great.
05:41Do that.
05:41Mm-hmm.
05:43Would you guys help me plan it?
05:45Mm-hmm.
05:46Because my marriage is kind of on the line.
05:50Oh, I can't.
05:52Of course.
05:53Yes.
05:53Yes.
05:54Yes.
05:54We would love to help you.
05:56Oh.
05:56You're going to save this marriage.
05:58We are going to save this marriage.
05:59We.
05:59Oh, my gosh.
06:00Save your marriage.
06:01One, two, three.
06:03Save your marriage.
06:07All right, pal.
06:08Tonight is all about us, the woods, and some knives.
06:11And some whiskey and some axes and some guns and a small cannon.
06:15A cannon?
06:16You won't find that in a civilian job.
06:17No, you won't.
06:18Well, I guess it varies state to state.
06:20Yeah, all I know is that I'm really looking forward to some time in nature to clear my head.
06:24You know what I mean?
06:25Thanks, pal.
06:25What are you doing?
06:26What?
06:27Who?
06:27Who's driving?
06:28Me.
06:29Yeah, it's one of the perks of the 20-year club.
06:30You don't have to drive anymore.
06:31Hey.
06:32Don't worry.
06:32He's going to stay in the van.
06:33Okay.
06:33Yeah, yeah.
06:34That's fine by me, man.
06:36So, I finally finished Game of Thrones for the second time.
06:39So, I'm going to binge the Bible.
06:41Ah.
06:41Complete unabridged audio book.
06:43Did you know it's the highest selling book of all time?
06:45Mm-hmm.
06:45Did know that, yeah.
06:46Sold more copies than Da Vinci Code, which is also about Jesus.
06:49So, I guess it's extended Bible universe.
06:51You mean Christianity.
06:52No spoilers.
06:54Let's go.
06:57Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
06:59Oh, man.
07:02What are you doing here?
07:03Well, what you said about keeping Major Shaw in the army got me thinking.
07:07Oh, so you came to help me.
07:08Hell no.
07:09No, no, no.
07:09I just realized how much Shaw means to you.
07:11So, I'm going to make sure you fail.
07:13And at the end of this desperate attempt, he decides to retire.
07:18Guess what?
07:19You're not invited.
07:20Being top of the chain of command, I get to invite myself wherever I wish to go.
07:25As a matter of fact, I crashed nine weddings this year and didn't bring a single gift.
07:30Oh, and also, I've invited a couple of lifers along that you know.
07:36Come on, man.
07:38Merkel and Funt, they're going to ruin the whole trip.
07:40Mm-hmm.
07:41Funt never talks, but his body makes so many noises.
07:45Let's go, boys.
07:48General.
07:49Lieutenant Colonel.
07:50And Major Charisma.
07:52What a treat.
07:53Slide over.
07:54Oh.
07:54Yeah, yeah, yeah, come on.
07:55Okay.
07:55You're coming along, too?
07:57Absolutely, because we're going to have some fun, my friend.
08:05Yep.
08:05You think the army made a man out of you now?
08:07Wait till you become a lifer.
08:08When you reject civilization completely and all its temptations,
08:11that's when your body allows you to get into peak physical condition.
08:15All right.
08:20Ooh!
08:21That was fun!
08:22Why don't we fight with these anymore?
08:23Because we're lost as a society.
08:35And now, the Bible.
08:37Written by God.
08:39Read by Hank Azaria.
08:41In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth.
08:44Now the earth was formless and empty.
08:46Darkness was over the surface of the deep,
08:49and the Spirit of God was hovering over the waters.
08:52Let there be light!
08:54And there was light.
08:56Damn, that's a hell of a start.
08:59You're right.
09:00This is much better than doing it in bed,
09:02but we can still do our favorite spaghetti and meatballs.
09:04That's so funny.
09:05I've never seen him eat that one time.
09:08Well, it was more my favorite.
09:10Oh.
09:10And then he started making it for me,
09:11and now we just always eat it together.
09:13Cute.
09:14Yeah.
09:15Yeah, we could do that.
09:16We could have Shaw make your spaghetti and meatballs
09:19for his celebration dinner,
09:21or just spitballing.
09:24I do know that there is a really authentic Indian place in town
09:27that Shaw really loves.
09:28He says it reminds him of his grandmother's cooking.
09:30Oh.
09:31So that's just an option.
09:33Yeah.
09:34Great!
09:34Okay, that's perfect, because I actually already ordered it.
09:37Oh.
09:37And they threw in the utensils for free.
09:38Woo!
09:39You are doing such a good job.
09:41Mm-hmm.
09:41This is just going to be amazing.
09:42You're crushing it.
09:43I'll see you later.
09:44Okay.
09:50Look at you losers sweating your asses off.
09:53And not me.
09:53I got three layers on.
09:55I haven't sweat a drop.
09:57That might be a pituitary issue, sir.
09:58You should probably check that out.
09:59No, it's not.
09:59It's a control issue.
10:00I have power over my body.
10:04Ah, no thanks.
10:05I don't really like to drink that much.
10:06It, uh, it makes me yell.
10:07Well, if you're not yelling, are you really saying anything?
10:10You know what?
10:11I'm not driving.
10:12There you go.
10:15Wow.
10:15Wow!
10:17Okay, here we go.
10:18Yeah, there it is.
10:19This is what it's all about.
10:20This is the life, baby.
10:20It sure is.
10:21You know what?
10:22Let's make this a little more interesting,
10:24with a little unfriendly competition that I learned from a couple of enlisted men.
10:27And never have I ever had my highest rank be colonel or local.
10:34So drink up, you subordinate losers.
10:42Refusing to budge, the donkey turned to his owner and began to speak.
10:46Hey, did you not see the angel in the road?
10:50Talking donkeys.
10:52The Bible's like Shrek.
10:54And Shrek had a lot of animal sacrifice.
10:57Well, never have I ever launched a full-scale attack on a flock of geese.
11:04They were invading our airspace.
11:06They were migraines.
11:08Oh, my God.
11:09I think I'm done.
11:10It's getting a little hot in here.
11:11I'm going to...
11:11No, no.
11:11What are you talking about?
11:12This is the brother.
11:13This is how we have fun, right?
11:16Make each other laugh.
11:17This is what you have to look forward to when you're a lifer.
11:19And we know we can trust you because you're an honorable and trustworthy person.
11:23You wouldn't abandon us and quit and take some stupid civilian job.
11:27Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
11:29Is that what this is about?
11:31Did you guys find out that I met with a transition officer?
11:33Mm-hmm.
11:33Well, nothing happens on my base without my knowing about it.
11:35Yeah, so we know you're leaving me, us, the army.
11:40I haven't decided anything, okay?
11:43This is a really tough choice and I just met with a transition officer because Celeste wanted me to.
11:47She's leaving the army and she wanted me to take my 20 and retire and possibly save our marriage.
11:54And I'm saying it's time to get rid of your ball and chain.
11:57What?
11:57The colonel, of course.
11:59I am tired, old man.
12:00What are you starting now?
12:01I'm tired of your stuff.
12:02I'm tired and constantly riding me.
12:04Because all you need to be rid of your stuff.
12:05Oh, really?
12:06Yeah, exactly.
12:06I can't, I just can't anymore.
12:08It's too much.
12:09It's too much for me.
12:10Stop, stop.
12:11You know what?
12:11I just wanted a night in the woods.
12:12That's it.
12:13Me, some axes, good times.
12:15My future might be hanging in the balance, but one thing I do know for certain is that I
12:18don't want to end up sad and alone eating beans in a tent in some sick competition with my sworn
12:23enemy because I don't have any wives left.
12:25But that's because he's a narcissist.
12:27No, he's the narcissist.
12:27You're both narcissists.
12:29I told you drinking makes me yell.
12:36Hey.
12:38Hey.
12:39How's it going?
12:40Good.
12:40What's up?
12:41So, um, yeah.
12:43I could really use Rick Silver's number right now.
12:45You put his number in my phone for safekeeping and remember what we agreed to?
12:49That, it had to be World War Three and I would only get it if I wanted one last ride
12:53before the world ended.
12:54And is it World War Three?
12:55No, but it's close, okay?
12:56I can't stop myself from helping Celeste try to save her marriage to a guy that I have fallen for.
13:02I offered to write her speech.
13:03What?
13:04Why would you do that to yourself?
13:05Because she couldn't find any word that rhymed with obligation.
13:08I can't help myself.
13:09Yeah.
13:09But you can help me.
13:10And Rick Silver is not the answer.
13:11He is a CIA liar who destroys your life like it's a foreign leftist government.
13:17I'm sorry, I'm not giving you his number.
13:18Kinda.
13:19Yeah.
13:21Do you know anything that rhymes with obligation?
13:22Frustration.
13:23Actually, do you have a pen?
13:24Girl, that's a less by her own speech.
13:26Go get my pen.
13:28A 15 mile hike over uneven ground.
13:31I've done worse.
13:32One of them.
13:33Not one of them.
13:34I can live my life however I want.
13:37Oh, this is bad.
13:47Sha?
13:48I know you're mad, but you can't leave me alone with these turds.
13:51All right, man?
13:53You're driving me crazy.
13:57Sha?
14:00Hey, Sha?
14:03Look, I told him the truth.
14:05Army life is hard.
14:06Yeah, which is how we like it.
14:07Yes, yes we do.
14:08But you know what?
14:09Let me ask you.
14:11Did you ever once think about leaving after 20 years?
14:14No.
14:14Me neither.
14:15That's our answer.
14:17And as much as I would love to wound you, he's gotta find it on his own.
14:22What are you, Buddha now?
14:24Do me a favor.
14:24Just focus on the search and try not to declare war on the geese.
14:28What's that?
14:30Uh, Funt.
14:31He has breathing issues.
14:32He had a handful of vertebrae removed and now his neck is too short.
14:36What, like a pug?
14:37Mm.
14:37Oh my God.
14:38Help!
14:40Two o'clock.
14:40Two o'clock.
14:41Hey.
14:43Oh, yes.
14:45I sprained my ankle.
14:47I can't really put any pressure on it.
14:48Can you call for help?
14:49We don't call for help.
14:51We are the help.
14:53General, you remember how to make a stretcher?
14:55Funt.
14:55Stop breathing and find some branches.
14:59Three miles down and one to go.
15:04Hey.
15:05All right, guys.
15:05Let him down here.
15:08Let me see.
15:09I got a signal.
15:10Oh.
15:11Yep, I do.
15:14Come on, Papadakis.
15:15Let's go.
15:16Let's go.
15:16And before me was a pale horse and the rider was death.
15:22What?
15:23Death was riding the horse?
15:26Dude.
15:28The Bible is everything.
15:31Papadakis, you have one job.
15:33We're gonna have to carry you the last mile or so.
15:36Okay.
15:36Here we go.
15:37One, two, three.
15:39You ready?
15:40Yep.
15:41Don't worry.
15:42Only the last half is uphill.
15:53He's coming.
15:54He's coming.
15:54He's coming.
15:56Surprise!
15:59You did this all for me?
16:01Oh, 20 years is a big deal.
16:03Do you want a drink?
16:04Um, after falling down a hill and crying in a pile of leaves, I can confidently say I'm
16:09never gonna drink again.
16:10So Shirley Temple.
16:11Here, sit down.
16:12Sit.
16:13Congratulations, man.
16:14Thanks.
16:17This is crazy.
16:18You look a lot better than you did in the van.
16:20Ugh, yeah.
16:21Appreciate that.
16:22Yeah, it was...
16:23And, sir, I wanted to tell you something.
16:24What?
16:24Do you have weak ankles?
16:25I knew that the first time I saw you walking a basketball court.
16:28Okay, please.
16:29I've seen oak trees with more lateral movement than you.
16:31What I was trying to say is that, I don't know if I'm gonna stay in the RV, but I
16:36know
16:36that I was wrong.
16:38I would be proud to be one of you.
16:41You know, listen.
16:42I was wrong, is what Davidson would be saying if he was here, because everything that went
16:47wrong on this trip was his fault.
16:49The thing I did want to say to you is, I think you should take some time to really think
16:52about this, because it's not just like vaguely your future.
16:55This is like the rest of your life.
16:56So, I think you should share it with something that sees you for who you are and shares your
17:01passion and your values, whether that's the U.S. Army or something else.
17:05Like my wife?
17:06Yeah, he could be a person, you know.
17:08He could be a person.
17:09You biting your tongue right now?
17:10No.
17:11Cheek.
17:12Mmm.
17:13If I bit that in this heart of my tongue, I'd lose it.
17:17Hello.
17:18Hi.
17:19I want to thank everybody for coming out here to celebrate Abe.
17:26I'm sorry.
17:27I can't pull myself away.
17:28Dead Sea Scrolls just dropped and there's like a lot of debate on the message boards whether
17:31it's canon or not.
17:32Uh, Abe, there's nobody like you.
17:36You're obsessed with Broadway shows, but you don't want anyone to know.
17:40Like we don't hear you singing Suddenly Seymour in the laundry room.
17:43We can.
17:44You only own one bowl and you wash it after every use.
17:47An impressive system that we should all follow.
17:50The thing I love most about you is your unique ability to be there for us without us knowing
17:58it.
17:59You support us.
18:00You make us feel like we're doing it all on our own.
18:03You're the sky, the moon, the grass.
18:08You don't demand attention, but nothing would be the same without you.
18:13My life wouldn't be the same without you.
18:14So, uh, let's all raise our glasses to Abe.
18:23Is that okay?
18:24Thank you for that.
18:25Okay.
18:26Back to this.
18:27Yeah.
18:29Ooh.
18:30Biryani?
18:31Yes.
18:31The alugobi.
18:32Let it go.
18:34Careful with that.
18:35Hop, hop.
18:36Okay.
18:36I'll get better at it.
18:37Okay.
18:38All right.
18:38Look, Celeste, I know things have been a little tricky for us and I know we've been
18:42talking a lot about, um, whether a future together makes sense.
18:45Right?
18:45And, um, after that toast, it just confirmed it.
18:49I mean, you understand me more than I was sure of before.
18:52And so now I know that we can make a-
18:54I didn't write the toast.
18:56Or plan this magical night.
18:58Maggie did.
19:00Wait, Maggie?
19:01I'm so sorry.
19:02I know that I messed up and I wanted to make it right, but I didn't really know where
19:07to start.
19:08And, oh, we've just been having such a hard time.
19:14Yeah.
19:14Yeah.
19:17It shouldn't be this much work.
19:20No.
19:22No one can say we didn't try.
19:23We tried so hard.
19:25I mean, we wore those marriage counselors out, but it feels like we both know it's over.
19:30Hmm.
19:32And I've always been bothered by that one bowl system.
19:34I, I think it's normal to have 12 bowls.
19:37Okay.
19:37What are you going to do?
19:38Invite 11 people over for a cereal party?
19:40I'd like to have the option.
19:45Seriously, Maggie?
19:46Oui.
19:48The sky, the grass, the moon.
19:50Oh, so that's how you feel, Marsha?
19:54I would have delivered it better.
20:01Yo!
20:02Dead Sea Scrolls has Goliath at 6'6".
20:06David about to cook this fool.
20:07For real.
20:08Okay.
20:10Good joke.
20:13I just want to explain this to a layman.
20:15So there are talking animals.
20:18Right.
20:18And a talking bush.
20:19And talking people.
20:20But a lot of books have that.
20:21Right?
20:22But this, who?
20:24CIA agent Rick Silver.
20:25Oh my God.
20:25What's up?
20:26Oh my God.
20:28Babe, I am so glad you Facebook messaged my mom.
20:31I haven't been able to stop thinking about you.
20:33Yeah, okay.
20:33I stopped listening after Babe.
20:34Come here.
20:36Ugh.
20:37You're so reliably hot.
20:39I know I am.
20:40You are too.
20:40You are too.
20:41You are too.
20:44Hey, um, has anyone seen Maggie?
20:47Yes, everybody's seen Maggie.
20:49Over there with the worst ex-boyfriend to ever do it.
20:54He's like glitter from the strip club.
20:56Impossible to keep rid of.
20:57Martin's parents drop in and drop a bombshell.
20:59Family is the hardest case of all.
21:01Best met.
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