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00:11Ladies and gentlemen, y'all give it up for Bruce.
00:14Bruce!
00:28Chicago!
00:34Nothing but love.
00:37How's everything?
00:38He like a preacher right there.
00:39You a preacher?
00:40He like old Bishop.
00:42Good God Almighty.
00:44Hey, hey, you don't know like I know.
00:49I didn't say nothing about God, but I sound good.
00:51Didn't it, player?
00:52You about to get your life to Christ again.
00:55I'm gonna let y'all know if I get...
00:56I'm stupid.
00:57I'm stupid for real.
00:58If I don't see you laughing, I'm gonna die in the audience.
01:00I ain't playing.
01:02I'm gonna die sideways.
01:03I'm gonna get me 12 people for real.
01:06Somebody gonna be hurt up in here, you hear me?
01:08Somebody gonna be on the floor grinding.
01:09Heh, heh, heh, heh, heh.
01:12Get him off me.
01:12Get him off me.
01:14Bishop, it's good to see you.
01:15Everything all right?
01:17He like old Bishop.
01:18You know God is a good God.
01:20Yes, he is.
01:23How you doing, girl?
01:24I see you looking at me and everything.
01:25You like old big boy, don't you?
01:27Girl, don't you start there?
01:29Let me see.
01:30Can I sit down and talk to y'all?
01:31Yeah.
01:32Y'all don't mind, do you?
01:33Boy, this Chicago, but it's Chicago.
01:37Whoo!
01:37Best, best pizza in the world.
01:41Best polar sausage in the world.
01:45Boy, it's something about that polar sausage.
01:47When that mug pop, when you bite it.
01:49Oh, I am heaven.
01:52Whoo!
01:53They got hamburgers and polar, polar chop sandwiches.
01:55Am I right?
01:56I had four pork chop sandwiches, eight polar sausage,
02:01three hamburgers, order fry, and a Diet Coke.
02:04I didn't want to gain no weight.
02:05You know what I'm saying?
02:07Wasn't nothing but a protein player.
02:08You know what I'm saying?
02:11But you know what I'm saying?
02:12I love Chicago.
02:13I can't come up here in the winter.
02:15Oh, no.
02:16Whoo!
02:17It get too cold up here.
02:18It get too cold.
02:19I came up here one time.
02:21Look, we went by the Greyhound bus station.
02:23Wasn't no dogs on the bus.
02:25Look.
02:27We got on the bus.
02:28They were sitting inside.
02:28Get your hands in, man.
02:30It's cold out there.
02:31What is wrong with you?
02:36Yes, indeed.
02:39And you know what, man?
02:40I love coming to Chicago.
02:42Chicago, keep it real.
02:43Ain't no in-between in Chicago.
02:45They either like you or they don't.
02:47Ain't no you all right?
02:48Nah, bro, you terrible.
02:50You were good.
02:51That's it.
02:52Chicago don't play.
02:53But you know, everybody, I'm going to tell you something.
02:56Everywhere you go, everybody think their pastor can preach.
03:00Especially black people.
03:00Oh, my pastor can preach.
03:01He can preach.
03:02Oh, Lord, my pastor can preach.
03:04I get so tired of hearing that everywhere I go.
03:07Man, we came up here about six months ago, man.
03:09The girl told me, I need y'all to come to my church.
03:10My pastor can preach.
03:12I said, I don't want to hear that.
03:12I said, girl, I heard that every time.
03:14He can preach.
03:15I told the guy, man, let's go over there and see this preacher.
03:18Man, we get over there, man, the choir singing and everything.
03:22And the choir got through singing and the preacher got up to speak.
03:25We didn't know he whistled when he talked.
03:28He get up.
03:29Let's give God praise.
03:32God is getting ready to move.
03:35Hallelujah.
03:36And he's getting ready to shift.
03:38Glory to God.
03:39And see, when he shift, thank you, Jesus.
03:42Glory to God.
03:43God.
03:43I looked at her.
03:44She said, he can preach.
03:45I said, he can whistle.
03:50Yes.
03:50Yes.
03:51Yes.
03:53God is a good God.
03:54Yes, yes.
03:56Well, you didn't get that whistle out your throat.
03:58I thought he had a puppy up on the pulpit.
04:06And let me tell you, man, I've been doing comedy for a long time.
04:09And I still enjoy doing stand-up if I started yesterday.
04:13But I study and I watch a lot of people.
04:16And that's how you learn something.
04:17Let me tell you something.
04:19That Eddie Murphy, in his prime, this man was a genius.
04:25Am I right?
04:26And I'm not saying he's not one now.
04:30I know he is.
04:31Everything he touched was just excellent.
04:34Except for one movie.
04:37It was called Pluto Nash.
04:38Y'all remember that shit?
04:40Oh, my God.
04:41Eddie should have killed himself.
04:42It was terrible.
04:44Oh, my God.
04:45But everything else from 40 hours, Beverly Hills Cop,
04:47train places, coming to America.
04:49Brilliant.
04:51But that Harlem Nights, let me tell you something.
04:56When I tell you that man did his homework in that movie,
04:59that movie was funny from the beginning to the end.
05:02Every scene in that movie was funny.
05:04Remember?
05:05Remember when I first came home, they were gambling?
05:07Yeah.
05:08Tall dude said, I'm gonna say,
05:08all you motherfuckers are home.
05:10Bro!
05:12He looked down at that tall little boy.
05:14He said, man, what the fuck this kid doing here?
05:16Didn't I tell your kids, bring me bad luck?
05:19He looked at that little boy.
05:21He said, get out of here before I kick your ass.
05:24That little boy looked at him and said,
05:25you ain't gonna kick shit.
05:27Remember that?
05:29You remember that?
05:30He said, you got a girl you can put on.
05:32He said, sugar, I got a girl pussy so good.
05:36You throw it up and down and it turned to sunshine.
05:41Everybody in the room looked up and down.
05:45Y'all remember when the champ came to the club and they said,
05:47the champ is here.
05:48He was like, dig, dig, dig, dig, sugar ready.
05:50They said, you ready?
05:52You can't tell, I'm ready.
05:55They said, we got a lot of money around.
05:56He said, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh.
06:00Y'all are about to be some real niggas,
06:02because I'm knocking somebody the fuck out.
06:04You understand what I'm saying?
06:05And the reason I'm talking about these people, y'all,
06:07I've been in their business so long.
06:10I knew every actor in that movie personally.
06:13But I realized a lot of them have passed away.
06:16Like the tall dude that were gambling,
06:18he died about eight years ago.
06:21Richard Pryor.
06:22Red Fox.
06:24Della Reese.
06:26Charlie Murphy.
06:27Reynaldo Ray.
06:29Tommy Ford.
06:30Robin Harris.
06:32And I'm still thinking to myself, man,
06:35I'm glad I went in that goddamn movie, man.
06:44Look, I know it messed up, right?
06:47But y'all write with me, uh-huh.
06:50Uh-huh.
06:51They are gone.
06:53Am I right?
06:55And y'all know I'm from Atlanta, Georgia, right?
06:58And I know y'all know the group Outkast, right?
07:00And if you ever notice anything Outkast ever did,
07:02TV, film, video, I've been in it.
07:05I'm like they big brother.
07:07First movie I did when it was called Idlewild.
07:09Remember I was in there with Patti LaBelle?
07:12Second movie I did when it was called Who's Your Caddy?
07:14I was the bookie on the golf course.
07:16You remember that?
07:17Then I did a video with them called So Fresh and So Clean.
07:20You remember the song?
07:21Ain't nobody dope as me.
07:24I dress so fresh, so, so fresh and so clean.
07:27You know the song.
07:29And they call me like, Bruce, man, he like our big brother, man.
07:31We got this new video, won't you be in it, man.
07:33Only thing what you do is dress like a pimp.
07:35I ain't got no problem with that because I got pimp tendencies.
07:37You understand what I'm saying?
07:39I don't know if y'all remember what I had on,
07:40but I had on a lavender Versace suit.
07:44With some lavender gaiters.
07:45Boy, I was cleaning this hospital carpet.
07:47You hear me, player?
07:48But I get to the video shoot not knowing
07:50it was real pimps in the video.
07:53I don't know if y'all ever been around pimps and stuff,
07:55but they be talking shit, making shit rhyme,
07:57but they be dead ass serious.
08:00I get there's a pimp from Cleveland named Good Game.
08:03Another pimp from D.C. named Juju.
08:06Then Pippa King walks up.
08:08He give me dap like this.
08:09Oh, what's up, Pippa?
08:11I said, what's happening, man?
08:13He said, you know, it's a treat
08:14when two players meet, you understand?
08:18I said, man, I appreciate that.
08:19He said, shit, a pimp-pimp.
08:22Hooray.
08:24What makes it so bad? He was dead serious.
08:26Then he looked at me, he said, look here,
08:27a pimp-pimp player-player.
08:28I got every color suit in the closet.
08:31I don't have a lavender suit.
08:32You don't mind if I have one made
08:33because you tearing that mug up right now, player.
08:36I said, no, man, let's do this thing together.
08:37He said, I appreciate it, pimpin'.
08:40Ain't no thing but a chicken wag.
08:43You drop it in the grease, I'll give you a piece.
08:45You know what I'm saying?
08:47I said, wear your head.
08:48He said, I'm gonna get these switches
08:49and go whoop these bitches.
08:53Man, this man had on a mink coat to drag the crown
08:55like a train, like a wedding dress.
08:57He had three women holding the back of the coat
08:58as he walked around the video shoot.
09:00I said, Pippa King, hold on.
09:01You got these three young ladies holding your coat
09:02as you walk around?
09:04He ain't even look at them.
09:05He looks straight at me.
09:06He said, these bitches, man,
09:07I let this coat hit the ground.
09:09Boy, I got so hyped up off that shit.
09:11Let me tell you something, y'all.
09:13I got home, I got me a kingside blanket.
09:18I throw that mug at me, I told my wife,
09:20bitch, pick that blanket up.
09:22And you better not let it hit the motherfucking ground.
09:27Man, my wife looked at me and said,
09:28Bruce, do you want to hit your fat ass over in the chair right there?
09:30Look at TV and leave me the fuck alone.
09:32I'm gonna cuss your ass out.
09:33You understand me?
09:34I said, well, damn.
09:36She said, uh, Pimp Pimp, hooray.
09:42Let me tell y'all something.
09:44I'm gonna tell you the truth.
09:45I'm a lot older than what I look.
09:46I'm old. I got three very grown children.
09:50My baby girl is 39.
09:53My baby boy is 41.
09:56My oldest son is 44.
09:58Oh, I used to lay that dick down.
10:02Whoo, I used to fuck like they're tearing the sidewalks up.
10:05You know what I'm talking about?
10:06Bimp, bimp, bimp, bimp, bimp, bimp, bimp, bimp, bimp.
10:16Oh, that shit gone.
10:19My wife lucky she get this.
10:21A bimp.
10:24And they got shit you can take, but it don't work for everybody.
10:27Man, I took a Viagra.
10:29Everything got hard but my dick.
10:33My arm, my elbow, my back, my nipples, my stomach, my thigh, my knee, my leg, my ankle, my foot.
10:39I had the foot fuck my wife to death.
10:45What make her so bad? She don't even want me no more.
10:48She want some foot. You hear what I'm saying?
10:52Now, to all you young couples in here that got these teenage kids, I got something I want to say
10:56to you.
10:57This is a time in their life for you to be their parent, not to be their friend.
11:04I'm so tired of hearing that every time I say, oh, that's my best friend.
11:07No, they your best friend when they move and get out your house.
11:09Because these kids don't want to do nothing, but they want everything.
11:12Our iPhone, iPad, clothes, shoes, money, cards that they want you to buy.
11:16You got the antenna, go out there and cut the grass.
11:18Cut the grass.
11:20I ain't no yard man.
11:23I don't know about y'all when I grow up, we didn't have no yard man.
11:26You know why?
11:28I was a yard man.
11:29I used to cut grass with a lawn mower with no motor.
11:34That mower worked the shit I do.
11:39Man, my aunt got up every Saturday morning and cooked.
11:41Wasn't no hitting those streets.
11:42I had to hit that yard.
11:43Hit them hedges.
11:44Wasn't no electric hedges.
11:45I had to manually do it.
11:47Sweep the driveway.
11:48Wasn't no blowers.
11:48I had to sweep that mower.
11:50Then watch my uncle car.
11:51Then go cut the backyard.
11:52Then my aunt come out there and inspect it like she a drill sergeant.
11:55Let me see what you done did out here.
11:59You done?
11:59I'm like, yes ma'am.
12:00Well, let me find you something else to do.
12:03Later, I will bust you dead in the chest.
12:06I bet I said 8-15 and 5-46, I'm tired.
12:09It ain't the kid's fault, it's the parent's fault.
12:12Grandparent right now, 35-36.
12:14Great-grandparent, 47-48.
12:16See, when I grew up, I grew up with grandparents.
12:19I was so scared of my granddad, I didn't know what to do.
12:22Then my granddad was weird looking.
12:25That boy was 6'5, black is a motherfucker.
12:29He was so black, his first name should have been Pitch.
12:34But let me tell you what's weird about him.
12:36This joke was jet black with royal blue eyes.
12:40That boy would look at you, you would drop your head like a runaway slave.
12:43And he was never impressed with nothing you did.
12:45Anything you did, you should have done it better.
12:48I mean, I was in the field grade, I made straight A, thought I was the shit, right?
12:51Going through the neighborhood, showing everybody my report card.
12:53My granddad had to run up on me like he was excited.
12:56He said, boy, you made straight A?
12:58I said, yes, sir.
13:01He looked me dead in my eye.
13:02He said, boy, that ain't shit.
13:07I'm like, damn, what can I do?
13:08He said, I'm gonna give you a little test.
13:09I'm like, Tess?
13:09He said, yes, Tess.
13:11He said, say your ABCs.
13:12I said to myself, this ain't nothing.
13:14I throw them ABCs out there.
13:15He said, all right?
13:17Say them backwards.
13:19I'm like, granddad, um, they don't make us say it like that.
13:24In school, he didn't ask no questions.
13:25He just slapped the shit at me.
13:27Pow!
13:28I'm like, Z-Y-W-Q-M-R-K-N-O-T-C-B-A.
13:37He looked me straight in my eyes.
13:39He said, well, all right, then.
13:41I'm like, so this motherfucker didn't know either, did he?
13:45Putting all that pressure on me, you dumb motherfucker.
13:50And everybody in this room, when you was young,
13:52you had a best friend.
13:53Everybody had a best friend.
13:55Had a best friend named Barry, man.
13:56We about 10 or 11.
13:58Barry and I used to go to the park every Saturday
13:59after I'd get through cutting the grass.
14:01All the way to the park was on the way to his house.
14:03He said, hey, man, you go to the park, stop by the crib.
14:05We walk together outside.
14:06We boys.
14:07So as I'm walking to the park, walking to a Barry house,
14:10I hear Barry in the house argue with somebody.
14:12Matter of fact, he was arguing.
14:13He was going off.
14:14Now, y'all got to understand, we 10 or 11 years old.
14:17I knocked on the door.
14:18I said, hey, man, who you talking to like that?
14:20He said, my mama.
14:21I said, damn.
14:23I said, you talking to your mama like that?
14:24He said, man, fuck that shit.
14:26I said, does it work?
14:27He said, shit, we going to the park, ain't we?
14:30I started thinking about that shit.
14:33I'm going to try that shit with my mama.
14:34You know what I'm saying?
14:36Man, about three, four weeks went by me.
14:38My mama got into it.
14:39I started talking shit and walked off.
14:41Man, my mama ran up behind me and put me in a sleeper hole.
14:45And whispered in my ear.
14:46She said, if you see the light, walk to it, motherfucker.
14:51I'm like, damn, I didn't know she was a murderer.
14:55Y'all know mamas didn't play that shit.
14:58My mama used to tell me, she said, Bruce, we going to know these people houses.
15:01You show out on me, we going to do it together.
15:03And we get there and ask, you want something to eat?
15:05You say no.
15:07Yes, you want something to drink?
15:08You say no.
15:10I said no to everything but some cake.
15:12Now, the mama had some cake.
15:14Bruce, you want some cake?
15:20Do you want some cake?
15:24Bitch, I'm saying yes, no.
15:26Goddamn it.
15:28And every parent in here is guilty of this.
15:31Even I'm guilty.
15:31I wish my mother would have asked me this when we was young.
15:34What y'all want for dinner?
15:37Kids call out something.
15:38Now, Burger King, McDonald's, Taco Bell.
15:40My mama cooked, you ate.
15:43You didn't know what it was.
15:44You're like, mama, this food good.
15:45Whatever that bullshit is.
15:50I'm telling you, man, and I'm going to tell you something.
15:51I know a lot of you people here homeschooling your kids.
15:54That's cool.
15:55But kids need to be around other kids.
15:58Homeschool kids is weird as a motherfucker.
16:02See, kids need to hear the shit I heard every day in the fifth grade.
16:05When that bell rings at three o'clock, I'm going to beat your ass.
16:10And these was girls telling me this shit.
16:13Let me tell you something, man.
16:15I had more fun in school than I had anywhere.
16:18You know what I mean?
16:18Kids don't know how to have fun no more.
16:20You mess with a child now, they'll go get a gun,
16:22come the next day and kill your ass.
16:23I knew as I was a child, I knew I'd be dead because I'd fuck with everybody.
16:27When I was in the fifth grade, this girl had a ponytail that long.
16:31With a rubber band around her.
16:34I walked behind, I said, bitch, how did they do that?
16:38She said, do what?
16:39I said, make that ox hair right there.
16:42I said, girl, you can stand on your head.
16:43Your hair still won't touch the floor.
16:46She said, when that bell rings at three o'clock, I'm going to beat your ass.
16:50I said, you ain't going to do shit.
16:53Man, the bell rung, I broke out running.
16:56I didn't know she was a track star.
16:58I said, she finna catch me.
17:00Man, that girl beat the shit out of me, man.
17:01Look.
17:03She had me on the ground.
17:03She said, what's up now, motherfucker?
17:04I said, your hair still sharp to the motherfucker.
17:10Kids don't know how to have fun, man.
17:12Am I right?
17:13You remember you had school clothes and play clothes?
17:16Remember that shit?
17:18School, your mama said, when you get home from school, put your play clothes on now.
17:22Don't let me come home and see you with them school clothes on.
17:24And the play clothes was the shit you had about, you know, three years ago.
17:29Sleeves too short and the pants too short.
17:32You in the front yard looking like the Incredible Hulk.
17:37You would tell your friend, you on the plane?
17:39No, you look stronger than a motherfucker, man.
17:45And see, we got to go back to raising our kids, man.
17:49See, when I grew up, my uncle taught me how to cook.
17:51My other aunt taught me how to clean up.
17:53My other aunt taught me how to wash clothes.
17:54My mother taught me how to keep my ass clean.
17:56My mother said, don't no woman want no stinking ass man.
18:00Man, I was in there taking a shower.
18:01My mama ran down.
18:02Hold on!
18:03Let me show you how to wash your ass.
18:05Wait a minute, mama, hold on.
18:07I'm 17 now, don't do that shit.
18:11Now look, I'm talking to all the men.
18:13Men, if you do this, clap.
18:15If you don't do it, don't clap.
18:17How many men in this room spoiled their woman?
18:23Six guys.
18:26That guy with us sitting on his hand, fuck this shit.
18:30Fellas, it's your job and your duty.
18:33To spoil your woman.
18:35Am I right?
18:36Yes.
18:37I say, am I right?
18:38Yes.
18:39And ladies, it's your job and your duty to spoil him back.
18:44Yes.
18:45This ain't no one side thing.
18:48I tell you what.
18:49I tell you what.
18:49Let me tell you what kind of man I am.
18:51Now, fellas, listen to the women's reactions when I say this.
18:54I am a very, very, very controlling man.
19:00You heard it later.
19:01Mm.
19:03You heard that later.
19:04I used to like your fat ass.
19:07I ain't talking about control like that.
19:08You can't control a grown woman.
19:10I'm talking about I'm the type of person who can make shit happen even if I'm not there.
19:14All you got to do is pop that whip, goddammit, and make that trip.
19:17You understand what I'm saying?
19:18Because, see, one thing I learned about women, women like when a man take control and know what he's doing.
19:23Am I right?
19:26Yeah.
19:26I said, man, get ready to go on stage.
19:27My wife called me.
19:27Hey, Bruce.
19:28I said, what's up?
19:29I'm thinking of catching a flat tire.
19:30I said, how you know you're catching a flat tire?
19:32She said, my tire pressure light came on.
19:34I said, goddammit, where you at?
19:36She said, I'm on the highway.
19:37I said, make sure you blow up on level A and pull up on the light.
19:39I said, you got your pistol with you.
19:40I done taught her how to shoot and everything.
19:42She said, I got it with me.
19:43I said, let me call my boy.
19:44He do 24-hour car service.
19:45I'll call you right back.
19:47I called my boy.
19:47I said, player.
19:48He said, talk to me, Pimpy.
19:51I said, my wife got a flat tire.
19:52He said, goddammit, where she at?
19:55I told her what she wanted.
19:56He'd tell her I'd be there for 15 to 20 minutes.
19:59I called her back.
19:59I said, hey, baby.
20:00He said he'd be there for 15 to 20 minutes.
20:02But meanwhile, I'm going to keep talking to you until he get there.
20:05See what I'm saying?
20:06Because, see, I'm a motherfucking player.
20:14From the Himalayas.
20:15You understand what I'm saying?
20:17So I'm just talking to him, talking to him.
20:19He done pulled up in the service truck, opened the truck, took a spare tire.
20:21Chained the tire.
20:22Put the old tire back in the truck.
20:23Got to the glass and say, you ready to go.
20:25She said, you done chained the tire already?
20:27He said, shit.
20:28Bruce popped that whip.
20:29Goddammit, I had to make that trip.
20:32She said, how about you owe you?
20:33He said, you don't owe me nothing.
20:34He told me he'll take care when you get back in town on Monday.
20:36So, ladies, when I talk about control,
20:38that's what the fuck I'm talking about.
20:40You know what I'm saying?
20:41You know what I'm saying?
20:43So, let me tell you something.
20:44See, I pay all the bills at my house.
20:46I'm not bragging.
20:46I'm just able to do it.
20:48But if I fall short, that bitch better catch me.
20:53If she don't, if she don't, I'm going to turn into an umpire, that motherfucker.
20:58Bitch, you are out of here.
21:01I don't play that shit.
21:03I didn't take recess in school because I don't motherfucking play.
21:09And see, let me tell you something.
21:11See, a lot of you guys got foreplay mixed up.
21:13A lot of y'all think foreplay is something you do before sex.
21:15Who taught you that?
21:16A lot of y'all think foreplay is feeling on your woman licking on her.
21:20Let me tell you what that's called.
21:21That is called feeling on your woman licking on her.
21:26See, foreplay is done 24 hours a day dealing with your woman on a daily day basis.
21:33But see, one thing you got to understand about women, women got moved, sweetie.
21:36Fellas, you got to move with that swang.
21:39She, you should be so in tune with your woman, you should know something wrong from her body
21:43language and her face expression.
21:45Man, I had gotten in town on a Monday.
21:47My wife walked in before she all frowned up.
21:48I said, what's wrong with you?
21:49I said, Bruce, I'm going to tell you right now.
21:51These people in these jaws are going to make me fuck their ass up.
21:54I said, look, you need me to go down there tomorrow and fuck up four, five people?
21:58I said, because you know I do it.
22:00She walked off smiling.
22:01Look.
22:06You ain't got to go down now.
22:09But see, she don't realize I ain't finna get the fuck out the chair.
22:12You know what I'm saying?
22:13But I got up thinking I'm finna tap somebody ass up.
22:16But what turned on, I realized something was wrong.
22:20And ladies, one thing y'all got to start doing, y'all got to start stepping to the plate
22:23when it's time to get in that bed now.
22:25Y'all be like, I don't like doing it like that.
22:27Well, bitch, you finna lose.
22:30You on a losing team.
22:32There's some girls out there on ready set.
22:34All I got to do is say, go.
22:38And let me tell y'all something.
22:39Y'all listen to me, fellas.
22:41When I tell you women don't miss shit, women see everything.
22:46A lot of times they don't say nothing.
22:48But women see everything.
22:51Let me tell you, man.
22:51I had to leave L.A. one time.
22:53It was on the red.
22:53I'll never forget it.
22:53It's on a Saturday night.
22:55Got back in Atlanta Sunday morning about 5 a.m.
22:58Went home, laid down, went to sleep about a couple of hours.
23:00A white gentleman said, let's go to church.
23:01I ain't got no problem going to church.
23:03But the problem I got, as soon as I hit the church doors,
23:05it's all over the church.
23:06Bruce, Bruce in church.
23:08So we sitting down.
23:09People walking by speaking.
23:10Hey, Bruce, Bruce.
23:10I'm like, hey.
23:13Hey, Bruce, Bruce.
23:14I'm like, hey.
23:15Hey, Bruce.
23:15I'm like, hey.
23:16Hey, Bruce.
23:17I'm like, hey.
23:18Hey.
23:18My wife said, that bitch walked past here one more time.
23:23I said, who?
23:24She said, that bitch right there.
23:25I done told her.
23:27I'm gonna drag her stupid ass in here.
23:28You know?
23:30I said, baby, calm down, you cousin in church.
23:32Fuck her!
23:35I said, you can't drag nobody to church.
23:37Why I can't?
23:38First of all, that's the pastor's wife.
23:40Don't fuck her.
23:42Hey, fellas.
23:43Women do look at other men.
23:45But they don't look at men like men look at women.
23:48See, when a man see a fine woman, he zoom in on her.
23:51He start talking to himself.
23:52Fucking in place.
23:53Lord of them.
23:55Whoo!
23:56God been good to that girl.
23:57God is a good God.
24:00See, women are nothing like that.
24:01Women are very distinct about what they do.
24:03Like, this man can be with this woman.
24:05She'll look at a man 50 times.
24:06You won't even know it.
24:07You know why?
24:07Because she ain't finished staring at him.
24:09But she gonna glance at him every second.
24:21Then she go out like she doing her hair, but she really looking between her fingers.
24:27But let me tell you something, fellas.
24:29It's a way for you to look at another woman while you with your woman.
24:32I'm finna tell you how to do it.
24:33Can I tell you how to do it?
24:35I'll tell you what.
24:36Let's say you and your woman left dinner, left the movies, or left a comedy show.
24:39Y'all get in the car, you start driving.
24:41Fellas, you're driving.
24:42You're coming down the street.
24:44You're coming to a red light.
24:44The light is getting ready to turn red for you.
24:47What you do?
24:47As soon as you get to the light, what you see?
24:48A fine woman standing on the corner.
24:50What you do?
24:50You zoom in on her.
24:51Start talking to yourself.
24:52Lord have mercy.
24:54Oh, God been good today, girl.
24:56God is a good God.
24:59But you don't realize your woman and already saw this bitch two likes back.
25:02You understand what I'm saying?
25:04Cause see, women don't miss shit.
25:08Now in order for you to look at this woman while you with your woman,
25:10all you got to do with that light chain for her across the street,
25:13all you got to do is act like you don't like what she got on.
25:17Do like this.
25:19Look at that bullshit that bitch got on right here.
25:21If you ever come out the house dressed like that, I'm going to beat your ass.
25:25Look at her.
25:27Look at her.
25:29Look at her.
25:31Look at her.
25:31Look at her.
25:32Look at her.
25:33God been good to that girl.
25:34Look at her.
25:35God is a good God.
25:39And I'm going to tell you something here.
25:40There's a certain thing women won't do around you for a year when they first meet you.
25:44And that's part.
25:47Oh, go take a new woman out tomorrow.
25:49Get in your car.
25:50Get in your car.
25:50Fellas, you start driving.
25:51Look over there.
25:51She looking like this.
25:56You're like, baby, you all right?
25:57Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
25:58My sinuses.
25:58It ain't her sinuses.
26:00She got the far out, but she would let her head explode before she do it.
26:05Man, it's the complete opposite.
26:06We'll lift our ass up driving.
26:09Rah, rah, rah, rah.
26:11Look straight out.
26:12I had to let it out.
26:12I had to let it out.
26:13I had to let it out.
26:13I had to let it out.
26:14Shit, my wife will fart and look at me like the fuck I did it.
26:18Walked me in the hallway.
26:19Rah, rah.
26:19You heard that?
26:20I said, I heard something.
26:22One time, she farted in sections.
26:24I didn't know this could happen.
26:25There were three different farts, and the last fart were powerful.
26:29So I know she pushed it out.
26:30You know what I'm saying?
26:31I'm sitting in the bedroom looking at the TV.
26:32She walked in the bedroom.
26:33Rah, rah, rah.
26:36Bat!
26:38She said, you heard that?
26:39I said, bitch, I heard a trumpet.
26:41I said, I cannot believe that came out your little bit ass.
26:52And let me tell you something.
26:54And I mean it.
26:56I'm going to say 95%, but it might be 100%.
26:5995% of women love to shop.
27:01It might be 100%, but let's just say 95%.
27:04Let me tell you something, man.
27:05I can tell you this is good.
27:07When my wife at home, looking at clothes, shoes, and purses,
27:10I know it, because she sound like big and small.
27:13She be online.
27:14I be in the bedroom.
27:15I hit them up in the office.
27:16Oh.
27:19I'm like, what the fuck is that?
27:21Oh.
27:23I love it when you're, oh.
27:24I said, hold it.
27:25I said, what's going on there?
27:26I'm in here looking at clothes.
27:27Oh, don't worry about me.
27:29Let me tell you something, fellas.
27:30We as men are so basic.
27:33You know what we got at home to wear?
27:34T-shirt, draw, socks.
27:37We go somewhere, we put on shirts, slack, shoes.
27:40Am I right?
27:41Women got all kind of shit.
27:44Women got bras with straps, bras with no straps.
27:47They got bras holding titties up, bras holding titties down.
27:51They got panties with line, panties with no line.
27:53They got the thong drawers.
27:54You don't see them go up in the booty crack.
27:56You know what I'm talking about?
27:57Then they got a time of the month panties come way up here.
28:00Got a drawstring in them.
28:02I know you done seen them.
28:03Made out of burlap material.
28:05She come out the bathroom trying to be sexy.
28:07What's up?
28:08You be like, not a mother fuck that.
28:11And you better not cut my leg with them burlap drawers like you did last month.
28:15I tell you what, let's say a concert come in town, a musical concert.
28:20Let's say it's Charlie Wilson, Keith Sweat, Maxwell, Kim.
28:28That's a hell of a show, ain't it?
28:29Women think this is the time for them to get a whole new outfit.
28:33You know what a man gonna do?
28:34We gonna go to the closet, get shirt, slack, shoes.
28:37We might go get a haircut.
28:38Those that got bald hair, cut their own hair.
28:40Am I right?
28:41Women gonna get shit from head to toe.
28:44New outfit.
28:45New purse.
28:47New shoes.
28:48Get her hair done.
28:49Nails and feet done.
28:50Makeup.
28:52Eyelash.
28:53As soon as she walk in the concert door, the first thing she gonna say,
28:55these hoes in here be hatin'.
28:59Ain't about hatin', you got on too much shit.
29:03Like my wife now owe me about another purse.
29:05You know, I got a problem with it.
29:06People say, why you got a problem with it?
29:07First of all, I done bought my wife hundreds of purses.
29:10I know this for a fact.
29:12But the problem I got, my wife make 100,000 a year and don't pay a bill in the house.
29:17So I be like, if you want a purse, go get it.
29:19You got the fucking money.
29:21She's like, Bruce, I saw a purse I like.
29:23I said, you did?
29:23I said, you like it?
29:24Oh, I love it.
29:25I said, go get it.
29:28She said, I don't wanna buy it, I want you to buy it.
29:31We'll bet you in trouble.
29:34And a particular purse you want is called a Birkin bag.
29:37Now, if anyone know what a Birkin bag is, a Birkin purse starting price is $20,000.
29:41They go from $20,000 to $150,000.
29:43I ain't telling you what I heard, I am telling you what I know.
29:47You understand what I'm saying?
29:48So my wife loves to go to Vegas, so we got through talking, so she left the house.
29:52So I took the liberties to count her purses.
29:54So people say, why you do that?
29:55First of all, I bought them.
29:57So I walked in there, I counted three Michael Kors.
29:59You know my Kors, right?
30:00Three Michael Kors, three Michael Kors.
30:01I counted three Versace.
30:03You know Versace, right?
30:03Three Versace.
30:04You ain't gonna believe this.
30:05This motherfucker had 49 Gucci's.
30:08Real shit, not no fake shit.
30:1057 Louis Vuittons.
30:12Instantly, I got mad than a mug.
30:15Because I'm the dumbass that bought them.
30:19You know what I'm saying?
30:19So she was online looking at stuff.
30:22She said, Bruce, you know what?
30:23You got a weekend off.
30:25Why don't we just, you know, why don't we go out there and go to Vegas and just, you know,
30:28hang out?
30:28I said, who the fuck hang in Vegas?
30:31I said, no, I'm gonna put something there.
30:33I said, me and my manager gonna put something there.
30:34I said, you know, we just ain't putting nothing there.
30:36She said, well, I done called your manager.
30:37He said, y'all ain't gonna put nothing there.
30:39I said, you didn't call my manager?
30:41Because that motherfucker worked for me.
30:44So what we do?
30:45We go to Vegas.
30:46You know, and she loved to stay at Caesar's Palette.
30:48But let me let you in on a little secret, fella.
30:50Every major hotel in Vegas have a mall in it.
30:54From the Aria, MGM Grand, Planet Hollywood, Benita Blasso, Carmel Palette, Caesar's Palette.
30:58My wife loves Caesar's Palette.
30:59So we go out to Vegas.
31:01I rent a one-bedroom suite.
31:02It came with a maid, butler, and a chef 24 hours.
31:05So before we left Atlanta, the chef called me and said, Mr. Bruce, I know you're gonna be on the
31:09flight for five hours.
31:09I know you won't eat nothing on the plane.
31:11I'll have you something to eat when you get here.
31:13What would you like to eat, right?
31:14I said, we'd like some grilled barbecue salmon with some grilled asparagus with some purple potatoes and some French cut
31:23garlic toast.
31:25So, man, we fly to Vegas.
31:27We get out into Vegas.
31:28We land.
31:28We get the baggage claim.
31:30And we get to the hotel.
31:31He laid it out.
31:32He was in the room.
31:33Man, we ate.
31:34He said, Mr. Bruce, what time would you like breakfast in the morning?
31:36I said, I would like breakfast by 8.30.
31:38He came around there and cooked breakfast.
31:39Man, I got to eat breakfast.
31:41Me and my wife.
31:42Soon as I get to eat, she's standing there looking at me.
31:45I said, what's wrong with you?
31:47Let's walk through the mall.
31:50I said, walk through the mall for what?
31:51We ain't got to buy nothing.
31:52We just gonna look.
31:54Every woman tell the same fucking lie.
31:57And I should've known what was going on.
31:59I didn't pay any attention.
31:59She already know what's in that mall,
32:01because she online looking at stuff all the time.
32:04So we walk through the mall.
32:05I walk up behind looking like a stupid ass little boy.
32:07You know what I'm saying?
32:08So we made this turn.
32:09She said, ooh, there go some Birkin bags right there.
32:12She knew exactly where they were.
32:14So I played stupid.
32:15I said, where?
32:16Where?
32:16I don't see them.
32:17Where?
32:17She said, right there.
32:19So we go over there because the bags was locked up.
32:21They went out.
32:21They was locked up.
32:22So we go over there.
32:23We looking at the bag.
32:24We just looking at them.
32:24And the sales dude just walked from nowhere.
32:26He's like, hello.
32:29How are you?
32:31My wife said, can I see that purse right there?
32:33He talking about great choice.
32:34I said, this mother trying to sell this purse.
32:36So he started showing my wife the purse.
32:38I started drifting off like I'm doing something else.
32:40You know what I'm saying?
32:41About 10 minutes, I went by my wife.
32:43I said, Bruce, come here.
32:43Come here.
32:44I said, what?
32:44Come here.
32:45I said, come here.
32:46I want to show you something.
32:46I said, what you got to show me?
32:48How you like this purse right here?
32:50I said, I don't give a fuck about this purse.
32:52I said, I don't even carry a purse.
32:54And I said, that purse right there, ugly as a motherfucker.
32:57And I knew it was a broken bag.
32:58You know what I'm saying?
32:59So the sales dude's talking about, excuse you.
33:03I said, go ahead on, player.
33:04You don't even know me now.
33:06I said, I'll hit you in your mouth and fuck up your sex life.
33:09Write that down.
33:10I'm going to keep that.
33:12Write that down.
33:12I'm going to keep that.
33:18So by this time, he mad through the mud.
33:21So I'm looking at the purse.
33:22I say, man, is this the price of the UPC code on this purse?
33:25He said, it's the price.
33:26That motherfucker was $21,800.
33:29So I started thinking.
33:30I said, $21,800.
33:31By the time they add taxes, it's going to be $22,300.
33:34You know what I'm saying?
33:35I'm thinking to myself, right?
33:36So as soon as I get through thinking, my wife's looking straight at me.
33:41Bruce, I want this purse so bad.
33:44I said, I know you do, baby.
33:45I said, look, this motherfucker $22,000.
33:47I said, I can buy a car and flip it and make $22,000.
33:50I said, this purse, you ain't going to carry it down.
33:52I said, you put it down, somebody going to steal it.
33:54But I want this purse so bad.
33:57I said, look, baby, I love you with all my heart.
33:59I said, I do.
34:00I said, but look, you make $100,000 a year.
34:03You don't pay a bill in the house.
34:05Put your card up and get it.
34:08She said, I don't want to buy it.
34:11Well, bitch, I don't either.
34:15Then she pulled a rank on me.
34:16You know, my birthday coming up.
34:18Our anniversary, Christmas, Valentine right around the corner.
34:22I want this purse so bad.
34:26I looked at her.
34:26I said, look, you want the purse?
34:28God damn it, you can get the purse.
34:31She looked at me.
34:32She said, for real?
34:34I said, yeah, bitch, if you steal it.
34:35Because that's the only way.
34:41She mad the motherfucker, Kool-Aid face.
34:44And see, y'all got to understand.
34:46It ain't like I ain't took it no way.
34:47I done took it everywhere.
34:48I done took it to Japan.
34:49Took it to China.
34:50Took it to Germany.
34:51Took it to Dubai.
34:51And when I'm in these countries, I spend money.
34:54She got a purse that come from Japan.
34:56They don't even sell them in the States.
34:57It's a Japanese designer over there.
34:58It's real popular.
34:59You know, you buy the purse, you got to get the wallet,
35:03keychain, purse jewelry.
35:05You know, she got her initials hanging off.
35:07Then the dude that sold the purse
35:08gonna give some shit in Japanese.
35:10Talking about it means love.
35:14We get back to Atlanta.
35:15We go to a hibachi restaurant.
35:17The way they go, oh, shrimp fried rice on your...
35:21Bitch, this motherfucker don't mean no love.
35:26So...
35:27So I had to go to Paris, and she couldn't go.
35:30She said, I wish I could get out of work.
35:31I said, look, I know you can't go, but what I'm gonna do,
35:33when I get over there, I'm gonna FaceTime you,
35:35and we'll walk down the street together.
35:37She said, that ain't the same thing.
35:39I said, that's the closer you gonna get to it.
35:41So I fly to Paris, I get over there,
35:43and as soon as I got on the plane,
35:44the guy said, Mr. Bruce, your room's not ready.
35:46Would you like to see Paris for like an hour, hour and a half?
35:48I said, no.
35:49Take me where they're introducing all the new clothes and shoes.
35:51Y'all gotta think about it.
35:52I'm still thinking about my wife.
35:54He took me in a little white house.
35:55It was Dudenberg, Gucci, Versace, Louis Vuitton.
35:57I stopped at this shoe display.
35:59They're called Christian Louis Vuitton shoes.
36:02Red bottoms.
36:03I know y'all know they ain't cheap.
36:05So I'm sitting here, I'm looking at them.
36:06I said, my wife, she got a few pounds.
36:08I guess I get a couple pounds, take them back.
36:11You know, I catch them on sale.
36:12When they on sale, they steal $800, $900.
36:15You know what I'm saying?
36:15So I'm looking at the shoes, and I'm saying to myself,
36:17I said, I know she want a couple pounds.
36:18I know she wears a size eight.
36:20She's like a six-inch heel.
36:22This is how in tune I am with this shit.
36:24So when I get through thinking,
36:25I think the same guy worked in Vegas walked up on me.
36:30Hello.
36:32How are you?
36:34I said, damn, didn't I just see you a month ago?
36:36He said, no.
36:37He said, I know she was looking at the shoes.
36:38I said, yeah, my wife likes these shoes.
36:39I said, I done got her a few pounds.
36:40I said, they're not cheap.
36:41I said, I'm going to try to get some, you know,
36:43I'm going to get a couple pounds.
36:44I'm over here to do the show.
36:45And I'm leaving.
36:46He looked at me, he said, oh, my God.
36:48He said, are you Bruce Bruce?
36:50I said, yes, I am.
36:51He said, I am trying to get tickets to your show.
36:53It is completely sold out.
36:56So I'm being cautious.
36:57I said, you want a couple tickets?
36:58I'll give you a couple tickets.
36:59Now, I'm talking to this dude, not realizing who he is.
37:02He was the owner and designer of Christian Louis Vuitton shoes.
37:06This dude is filthy rich.
37:09He looked me dead in my eye.
37:10He said, I'm in a good mood today.
37:12And if your wife like these shoes, pick out whatever she want.
37:16I say, for free.
37:20He said, yes.
37:20I said, how many pounds can she get?
37:22I said, how many pounds do she want?
37:24I said, hold it.
37:25Let me call my wife.
37:27I got to get her approval.
37:28She said, I pick out ugly shit, so let me call her.
37:30Y'all got to understand.
37:32I'm in Paris.
37:33It's a different time zone in Paris and the U.S.
37:36It's 3.30 in the morning, Atlanta time.
37:39My wife called.
37:40She answered the phone with a straight attitude
37:41because I done woke up.
37:44She answered the phone like this.
37:45Hello.
37:46I say, bitch, calm down.
37:50I got someone to show you.
37:51What the fuck you got to show me at 3.30 in the morning?
37:54I said, well, they got these Christian Louis Vuitton shoes.
37:57She said, Christian Louis Vuitton.
37:59Oh.
38:02Oh.
38:04Oh.
38:06Oh.
38:06I said, look.
38:07Before I show you these shoes, I'm getting these shoes at a real good price.
38:13And so when I get home, you got to work that ass like you ain't never worked that motherfucker.
38:19I'm going to work that ass.
38:19Don't worry about that.
38:20I'm going to work that ass.
38:20Show me the shoes.
38:21Now that motherfucker done woke up now.
38:24I facedown and said, oh, Bruce, this is a bad motherfucker.
38:26Oh.
38:28Oh.
38:29So I get back over there.
38:30He said, what'd she pick?
38:30I said, well, she picked that 10 pair.
38:34He said, is that it?
38:37I said, wait a minute.
38:37You're telling me she could have gotten more?
38:39He said, yes.
38:40He said, I'll tell you what I'm going to do for you.
38:42He said, I got two signature pair that will not be sold in the United States.
38:45They're only going to be sold in Europe.
38:46They're collectors.
38:47He said, I'm going to give you those two in the 10 you picked.
38:50So the total is like 18,000.
38:54I looked them dead in his eyes.
38:55I said, how many tickets you say you need to this show?
38:59Because I'm going to give you what you want.
39:01Man, he had the shoes packed up for me and everything.
39:04Man, he showed up with his friend.
39:05Man, I'm talking about, it was like four convertible Phantoms.
39:08This motherfucker got money.
39:09Man, I did the show.
39:10The show went well.
39:11I fly back.
39:12I walk in the house.
39:13My wife ain't say, how was your flight?
39:18How was your show?
39:20What a shoe.
39:23I said, fuck them shoes.
39:25You need to get upstairs and get them panties off, God damn it.
39:28It's time to go to work in there, motherfucker.
39:29You hear what I'm saying?
39:30Bring your ass upstairs.
39:32We got up there.
39:32We got butt naked.
39:33You've been proud of him.
39:33You know what I'm saying?
39:35I don't know if the girl put a motor in her hips or what,
39:37but that motherfucker went to work.
39:38You hear me?
39:39She said, let me get on top.
39:40I said, God damn it, get on top.
39:43Man, that motherfucker went riding that thing.
39:46I'm in the bed.
39:47Oh.
39:50Oh.
39:51I love it when you come in bed.
39:53Oh.
39:55Throw your hands in the eye, y'all.
40:00Let me tell you something, man.
40:02Hey, y'all listen to me.
40:04All you women in here that got these girls, daughters, daughters,
40:08you know, you teach your daughters how to get a man,
40:10but teach your daughters how to keep a man.
40:12My daughter, 39, been married 18 years.
40:15You understand what I'm saying?
40:17Good husband, got three kids.
40:18Yeah.
40:19Yeah, she's a good girl.
40:23So, she lives in Charlotte,
40:24so she likes to come down to my house,
40:26her and her husband, three kids,
40:27because I cook.
40:28I used to be a chef.
40:29I'm a bad dude in that kitchen.
40:30You know what I'm saying?
40:31So, we was in the kitchen,
40:33and I was cooking some stuff,
40:34so I looked at my daughter,
40:35because I talked to her.
40:35I don't talk at her.
40:36I talked to her.
40:38I said, are you taking care of your husband?
40:40She said, yeah, Dad.
40:41I said, no.
40:42Are you taking care of your husband?
40:45She said, yeah.
40:46I said, no.
40:47Are you taking care of your husband?
40:49She said, what you talking about, Dad?
40:51I said, you riding that thing like you smoking.
40:54She said, Daddy.
40:55I said, don't daddy me.
40:56You got three kids.
40:57You know what I'm talking about.
40:59Man, her husband called me three days later.
41:01He said, man, I love you so much.
41:07You got to talk to him.
41:09Don't talk at him.
41:09Talk to him.
41:10Am I right?
41:12And I'm going to tell you something.
41:13I don't lend money no more.
41:14I'm so tired of people not paying me back.
41:17But as soon as they lend you money,
41:18they want their money back.
41:20You know what I'm saying?
41:21You calling me about that little money?
41:22It wasn't little when I gave it to you.
41:26The girl I used to date a long time ago, man.
41:29Ain't never paid me back.
41:30Call me.
41:30You know, how you doing?
41:32You know, I ain't heard from you in a long time.
41:34I said, this heifer wants something.
41:36You know what I'm saying?
41:37She wants something.
41:38And now she done found Jesus.
41:39So now, you know, yeah, God has been good.
41:42Oh, hallelujah.
41:43I said, look.
41:45She said, I got this new job and everything,
41:50and everything is working out real good,
41:51but I'm trying to buy a car,
41:53and I was wondering if you could lend me the money
41:56to buy a car.
41:57I said, look, every time I lend you money,
41:58you never pay it back.
41:59You know what I'm saying?
42:00No, I'm going to pay you back.
42:01God is my...
42:01Oh, glory to God, you know.
42:03See, she done found Jesus.
42:05You know what I'm saying?
42:06And I said, no.
42:07I said, no, I'm not going to mess with it.
42:08I said, you never pay me back.
42:09I said, but just curious, how much you need?
42:11She said, I don't need but $2,500.
42:13I said, if it's but $2,500,
42:15you ought to have but $2,500.
42:18So I told her no.
42:20So she kept on me, on me, on me,
42:21about two, three weeks,
42:22and about, I just need you to lend me this money.
42:24I said, I'm going to try her.
42:25You know what I'm saying?
42:26Lent of the money, it was in April.
42:28It was in April.
42:29I said, look, don't start paying me back to August.
42:31I said, just give me $100 a month.
42:34You know what I'm saying?
42:34So you got April, May, June, July, August.
42:40So I said, well, I ain't going to worry about it.
42:41That man, September done came, and I thought about it.
42:44I said, she's supposed to pay me some money.
42:45So I paid me money in August.
42:47I'm talking to myself.
42:48You know what I'm saying?
42:49And I called her, and it was a totally different attitude.
42:54Jesus was gone.
42:57I said, hello?
42:58Hello?
42:59I said, how you doing?
43:00I'm fine.
43:00How you doing?
43:02I said, look, I was just sitting here thinking about,
43:04I said, you're supposed to start paying me $100 a month in August.
43:07I said, I thought if you had a problem, you'd call and let me know you had a problem or
43:10situation.
43:11All you had to do was call.
43:12She said, well, I ain't got your money.
43:14I ain't going to give it to you.
43:14What you going to do about it?
43:17I said, what happened to Jesus?
43:21Well, I said, well, I'll tell you what.
43:23I said, I told you you wasn't going to give me that money back.
43:25I said, well, don't worry about it.
43:27I said, that $2,500, I got $100,000.
43:30Don't even worry about it.
43:31I said, well, trust me when I tell you, you're going to need me again.
43:34You know what I'm saying?
43:35You're going to need me again.
43:37Lo and behold, y'all, about two and a half years later, she called me back.
43:42She back with Jesus.
43:46How you doing?
43:48I said, how you doing?
43:49You know, I just wanted to call and apologize.
43:52I didn't do right by you, and I didn't do the right thing.
43:56I should have paid your money back.
43:57I said, yeah, I didn't even worry about that.
43:59I wrote that off.
43:59I said, don't worry about it.
44:00I said, how you been?
44:01I'm talking to her like I'm concerned.
44:04I said, how you been?
44:05I've been good.
44:06But what happened?
44:07I ran into a situation, and I need your help.
44:10I said, help for what?
44:11She said, I'm about to lose my house.
44:13I said, what?
44:14They going to put you out your house?
44:16I said, yeah, God going to make it happen, or God is going to work on my behalf.
44:20Yes, he is.
44:21I said, I know he is.
44:22I said, how much it costs to get your house back?
44:24She said, it ain't but $3,500.
44:27I said, $3,500?
44:28I said, that ain't no fucking money.
44:30She said, yeah.
44:31She said, if you can help me this time, I'd really appreciate it.
44:33I said, let me ask you one question.
44:36I said, have you ever been put out before?
44:45She said, no.
44:47I said, bitch, get ready.
44:55Insulin.
44:55You black motherfucker?
44:56That's all right.
44:58I got $3,500.
44:59You don't.
45:01Man, I used to work for Frito-Lay potato.
45:03Anybody know Frito-Lay?
45:04Oh, my God.
45:05Man, I used to sell a bag and an E3 bag.
45:09I was coming up short every month.
45:10I said, God damn it, somebody's stealing from me.
45:14I'll be damned if I wasn't stealing from myself.
45:17But I'm tired of y'all getting on these good jobs.
45:21Ooh, that's a good job.
45:22You got something you want to do in life, you better do it.
45:25You better have some birthdays.
45:27I remember I wanted to quit my job at Frito-Lay.
45:30He'd be like, man, don't you quit that good job?
45:32That's a good job.
45:34And the only person who made some sense was my mother
45:36when she was living.
45:37I said, Mother, I want to quit my job.
45:39I say, and I want to start doing comedy full time.
45:42She said, well, you can always get another job.
45:44I didn't think of it like that.
45:46She said, you ain't no dummy.
45:48I'm like, damn.
45:50And, man, let me tell you, I went down there the next morning,
45:53put in a 30-day leave of absence.
45:55And that's like I was going through something.
45:58When I got it approved, my supervisor said,
46:00man, you coming back?
46:00I said, boy, I want you to look at me real good.
46:04The next time you see my face, I will be on TV.
46:08And I ain't worked that job in 36 years.
46:15And I'm going to tell you something, man.
46:17See, you know, like, like, like, granddaddies.
46:21Like, my granddaddy, he was real mean.
46:22I told y'all about that.
46:24But, you know, they always tell you the right thing to do,
46:26but they always doing the wrong thing.
46:28My granddaddy died.
46:29Fifteen kids showed up from nowhere.
46:30What the fuck?
46:33That my daddy.
46:33That my daddy.
46:35And, man, I'm telling you, that my...
46:36I had to make sure he was dead.
46:37I ain't lying.
46:39When he was in the cab, I shook his head.
46:40Granddaddy.
46:43Granddaddy.
46:44My cousin said, he dead?
46:45I said, he dead?
46:47Man, my granddaddy, let me tell you something.
46:48That moe had a dick on him about this long.
46:51I couldn't believe it.
46:51Man, I was about 10 years old.
46:52My grandma said, go get your granddad a bath.
46:54I'm like, give a man a bath.
46:56What kind of shit is that?
46:57Man, I get in the bathroom.
46:58I got to put his dick in the tub first.
47:00Ah!
47:04He's sitting in the tub.
47:04Yeah, boy.
47:06I used to knock him down with this motherfucker.
47:09I'm like, damn, Granddaddy.
47:10When you die, can I have that motherfucker?
47:14Well, I can knock him down.
47:17You can't jack a dick that long.
47:19You got to cock it.
47:25Look at the women out there.
47:26Where's your granddad at?
47:27He dead.
47:29He dead in the motherfucker.
47:31He dead.
47:35I'm gonna tell you something else.
47:36Like, when you get married, fellas,
47:38but careful, when you get married, okay,
47:40when you get married,
47:42and if your woman have never been married before,
47:45be very careful.
47:46Because when women first wedding,
47:49they wanted to be the bomb.
47:50Am I right?
47:51Let me tell you, ma'am.
47:52And traditionally,
47:54the father's supposed to pay for the wedding.
47:58Man, my wife now,
47:59I've been married before.
48:00This is her first marriage.
48:02And, man, let me tell you.
48:04Her father's passed away.
48:06So I told her, I said, look, you know,
48:07I take care of the wedding.
48:08Don't worry about that.
48:09Not realizing what this shit costs.
48:13You know what I'm saying?
48:14So after they start adding stuff up,
48:15I'm renting the building.
48:16I'm damn near at $100,000.
48:18I said, this is a lot of fucking money.
48:20I had told my wife, man, they, look,
48:22they go try on the dress.
48:23Now, fellas, I don't know if you ever go
48:24when women try on dresses,
48:25but they get on the stage just like this.
48:28And she go to the back and try to dress on,
48:30and all her family and friends be sitting out there.
48:33They eating the shit.
48:34They got chicken, roast, everything.
48:36And they be, ooh, that's so pretty.
48:41Ooh, that's so pretty.
48:45So my wife come home.
48:46She done tried on about 15 dresses,
48:48you know what I'm saying?
48:49And she told me, said, Bruce, I'm gonna tell you,
48:50I found the dress.
48:53I said, is this one?
48:54She said, this is the one.
48:58I said, really?
48:58She said, yeah.
49:00She said, I'm gonna tell you something.
49:01She said, I ain't never seen
49:02none this pretty in my life.
49:04I said, well, look, let me be honest with you.
49:06I said, I'm looking at everything that I got to pay for.
49:10And I said, I told you I pay for everything.
49:12I said, but I'm finna spend $100,000.
49:15I said, why don't you buy your dress yourself?
49:20And I take care of this.
49:21She said, buy the dress myself.
49:24I said, how much is the dress?
49:25She said, $10,000.
49:27I said, so you're looking at a dress you're gonna wear
49:29one motherfucking time.
49:31$10,000.
49:32I said, no, you're gonna get a dress working out.
49:34Well, guess what happened?
49:34They went back to the drawing board.
49:37Went back to try on some more dresses.
49:38They all eating, roasting.
49:42Ooh, ah, that dress so pretty.
49:46My wife come home and said, you know what?
49:48You ain't gonna believe this.
49:49I found a dress look just like the one I picked.
49:53She said, you're not gonna believe it.
49:55I said, for real?
49:55She said, you can't tell them apart.
49:58I said, well, shit, if that's it, that is your dress.
50:02You know what I'm saying?
50:03And she said, yeah, I'm glad I found it.
50:05I said, how much is it?
50:06The mother said, $400.
50:12Motherfucker told me $10,000.
50:15And I'm gonna tell y'all something, man.
50:16I'm real reasonable when it comes to stuff.
50:18I told my wife.
50:19I said, if you ever wanna leave me,
50:21it's gonna be the easiest thing in the world.
50:23I ain't gonna cuss you out.
50:24Bitch, I done this.
50:25Bitch, I done that.
50:25I'm not doing that.
50:27The only thing I want you to do is have enough respect and say,
50:29Bruce, I found somebody else.
50:31I wanna be with them.
50:32I don't wanna be with you no more.
50:34And I'm gonna look you there now and say, are you sure?
50:38And you're gonna say, yes.
50:40I'm gonna say, okay, we need to go on a breakup.
50:42But let me tell you something.
50:44If you found somebody that treats you better than me,
50:48I said, that is your fucking man.
50:51And if the motherfucker that good, bitch, I'm moving in too.
50:56Ain't no cussing both of us being unhappy.
50:59Am I right?
51:02Let me tell you something.
51:06I love children.
51:07Anybody love children?
51:10I love them.
51:11Let me tell you something, man.
51:12I got this little niece.
51:14Let me tell you something.
51:15This girl done been here before.
51:18She's four years old.
51:19She's smart.
51:19She watch everything.
51:21She look at you.
51:22She know her ABCs.
51:23She know her colors.
51:25She know how to count everything.
51:27So, she loved my wife.
51:30She called my wife Titi.
51:32She called me uncle.
51:33Uncle.
51:33And then, you know, she'd be so excited.
51:35Uncle, come see me.
51:36When you coming home?
51:38So, her and my wife like twins, right?
51:41So, she loved to take a bath.
51:43So, my wife put it in the tub.
51:44She'd be in her little rubber duggies playing and everything.
51:46So, my wife take out the tub and rub it down with some lotion and stuff.
51:49She'd say, Titi, put some smelling good stuff on me.
51:51So, she liked a little oil and put it on.
51:53She said, Uncle, smell my um.
51:54I smell my um.
51:55I said, it smell good.
51:56So, my wife put on her clothes.
51:58So, my wife put her clothes on.
52:00She said, Emily.
52:01Her name is Emily.
52:02She said, did you pass gas?
52:06Emily was really serious.
52:07She said, no.
52:08I shitted.
52:11I had to run out of the room.
52:12My wife told me, that ain't funny.
52:13Yes, the fuck it is.
52:15Because she knew how to say it and when to say it.
52:19Man, nigga.
52:20And she always put her hand to her head.
52:21She say, I got a idea.
52:23Not a idea.
52:24A idea.
52:24I got a idea.
52:26Man, I took on a cruise back here in December, right?
52:30And I'm going to tell you how smart she is.
52:32These kids are smart.
52:33She was in our room.
52:34When we closed our room door, she looked back at the number on my room door.
52:40This is how smart she is.
52:41And she remembered it.
52:42So, the next morning, she gets on the ship phone and calls our room.
52:45Because she remembered the damn room number.
52:48She said, uncle.
52:49I said, what's up, baby?
52:51You going to come get me and take me to breakfast?
52:53I said, yeah.
52:54I said, me and Titi will be around there in a minute.
52:56So, we go around there.
52:57And we knocked on the door.
52:59Her mama answered the door.
53:00And she got her sister, you know, in the bed, sleep.
53:05350.
53:06Easy.
53:11Easy.
53:11And she got her, all right, 350.
53:14Easy.
53:15So, both of them was in the bed, sleep together.
53:18So, we get ready to go out the door.
53:19Emily stopped at the door and turned around and looked.
53:21She said, uncle.
53:22I said, what?
53:23She said, they too big to be in that bed.
53:27I said, they are.
53:28She said, look at them.
53:30She said, they big.
53:31I said, yeah, they big.
53:32She said, yep, just like you.
53:40Now, look, y'all.
53:42Are y'all having fun?
53:43Yes.
53:48Y'all having fun for real?
53:50Yes.
53:52But look, I was told, look, I'm going to do this.
53:55Look, I don't have an ending joke.
53:57Because I don't tell jokes.
53:59I tell real life stories and make them funny.
54:03So, I'm not like the average comedian doing any joke, holler, peace, thank you, God bless,
54:07and walk on stage.
54:07I don't do that because I don't tell jokes.
54:09So, basically, when I get through performing on stage, I just kind of walk the fuck off.
54:14No!
54:17No!
54:19No!
54:22No!
54:24No!
54:27No!
54:28No!
54:32No!
54:35No!
54:36No!
54:37No!
54:39No!
54:40No!
54:42No!
54:43Fortunately!
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