- il y a 11 heures
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00:00:08C'est parti !
00:00:30C'est parti !
00:01:04C'est parti !
00:01:29And another hand for the most overqualified opening act, Mr. Louis Black.
00:01:39And another hand for Jan Arden, who couldn't be here to sing that in real life, but was nice enough
00:01:45to send that to me in the computer.
00:01:47And a big hand for you people that are borderline alcoholics.
00:01:52You've made it out tonight.
00:01:58I do feel kinship.
00:02:00This is a beer town.
00:02:01I am from a beer town.
00:02:01I'm actually from St. Louis, Missouri.
00:02:05Thank you.
00:02:06You don't have to go.
00:02:06Specifically, I'm from very near Ferguson.
00:02:11Maybe you saw our travel brochure.
00:02:15People are like, really?
00:02:16Are you really from there?
00:02:17Yeah, I am.
00:02:18They're like, can you believe all that happened?
00:02:21Yeah, I can.
00:02:22I can't believe we kept a lid on that shit for 25 years.
00:02:27Every day I felt the tension.
00:02:29Every day.
00:02:29Even in high school, I came home and I said, I don't really know if our school is that safe
00:02:34anymore, Dad.
00:02:34A girl got stabbed to death in the third floor bathroom.
00:02:37He didn't even stop doing the crossword puzzle.
00:02:39He goes, well, don't use that bathroom.
00:02:41What are you, a goddamn idiot, Kathleen?
00:02:43Jesus Christ, use your mind.
00:02:51It's not a very exciting state, Missouri.
00:02:54It's really just in the middle.
00:02:56Clearly, though, to Southerners, it's not.
00:02:58I was in Birmingham, Alabama.
00:03:00I get done with the show, and this guy's at the bar, and he goes, ma'am, I can tell
00:03:03by the way you talk about it.
00:03:04You're a Yankee.
00:03:05I'm like, sir, I'm from Missouri, and let me tell you this little piece of history.
00:03:10I don't even know if we were in the war.
00:03:13I think we were half and half and just beat the crap out of one another.
00:03:18We never even left our own property, sir.
00:03:21Fight local.
00:03:22That was our bumper sticker.
00:03:24Fight local.
00:03:26Because we couldn't decide.
00:03:29We were half Confederate and half Union.
00:03:31We still can't decide.
00:03:32CNN had a map of the Syrian refugee crisis, and the whole map of the United States, and who would
00:03:37take them and who wouldn't.
00:03:38The South?
00:03:39Yellow.
00:03:40No.
00:03:41The Northeast said, yes, we'll take them.
00:03:43Blue.
00:03:43For no reason explained until the very end of the show, Missouri was purple.
00:03:48The only state.
00:03:50And then at the end they go, oh, the purple signifies no decision.
00:03:53They can't make up their minds.
00:03:56Of course we can't make up our minds.
00:03:59I don't really consider it, um, I don't know what I consider it.
00:04:02I don't know if it's North or South, but I know sometimes when I'm in the South, I see things
00:04:07on bumper stickers.
00:04:07I read things in their newspaper where I think to myself, seriously, I think we may need to have this
00:04:14Civil War again.
00:04:16I, I'm not sure they got it.
00:04:18I feel like it's beating up a drunk in an alley.
00:04:22And then they wake up, they're like, that was bullshit.
00:04:25I'm getting ready.
00:04:26Come back.
00:04:26No.
00:04:27No, drunkie.
00:04:28We're not coming back.
00:04:29I was in Louisiana, and you can Google this, because I couldn't believe this was true.
00:04:35It is true.
00:04:36They are teaching children in schools in Louisiana that will accept vouchers.
00:04:41So that's tax money.
00:04:42They're private schools, but they accept vouchers.
00:04:44This is, this is in science class.
00:04:46Now put on your science hat and try to follow this syllogism.
00:04:49They're teaching the kids that the Loch Ness Monster is real.
00:04:53Now, as an aside, I agree with that.
00:04:56But nobody taught me that.
00:04:59I had to stay up really late, watching the Discovery Channel, drinking a lot of wine, and weeding through a
00:05:05lot of crap to make my decision.
00:05:09Anyway, they're teaching the children that the Loch Ness Monster is real.
00:05:15Therefore, evolution is not real, because the Loch Ness Monster is a dinosaur.
00:05:26I don't even have a joke for that.
00:05:28I just want you to know that.
00:05:30Those are fellow Americans that I think should be airlifted out.
00:05:33I, someone needs to get the children.
00:05:37Leave the adults.
00:05:39Take the children.
00:05:44My state is not a state that you really want to brag about.
00:05:47We just try to lay low.
00:05:49That's our best outcome if we're not noticed.
00:05:52Because every time, like Ferguson, that whole thing, that was not exactly something that you feel proud of.
00:05:57Two summers ago, I turned on CNN, somewhere on the road, and it said Missouri State Senate debates.
00:06:03Now you think the next word would be, you know, health care or right to work laws.
00:06:07No, noodling.
00:06:10Noodling.
00:06:11We spent two weeks, eight hours a day.
00:06:13The Senate.
00:06:14For those of you who don't know what noodling is, congratulations.
00:06:17You have led a very classy life.
00:06:21But I'm going to tell you what it is.
00:06:24Noodling is when hillbilly people get in muddy rivers, like the Mississippi or the Missouri River,
00:06:29and they get into water about chest high, and then they go along the riverbank with their hands underneath the
00:06:35water,
00:06:35searching for catfish breeding holes.
00:06:38Then when they find one, they shove their arm in the hole, they wait for the catfish to bite it,
00:06:45then they yank it out, and they've caught a fish.
00:06:52I was not aware that this is illegal in my home state of Missouri.
00:07:00I was also not aware that it is legal in our neighboring state of Oklahoma.
00:07:06I certainly was not aware that we have a Missouri Noodlers Association.
00:07:15CNN sent a young reporter to interview the president of the Missouri Noodlers Association,
00:07:21who immediately became my new hero because for his interview on CNN, he chose not to wear his shirt.
00:07:35She was clearly petrified of the guy.
00:07:37I've never seen anyone hold a microphone further away from another human being.
00:07:41She said, sorry, I understand. You're the president of the Missouri Noodlers Association.
00:07:46Could you please tell us your position on noodling?
00:07:49He goes, yeah, yeah.
00:07:52I'll tell you my position.
00:07:54If I want to shove my arm in a hole and get a fish, you tell me why I can't.
00:08:05So that was the argument for it.
00:08:10And I thought, what is the problem? I don't know.
00:08:14Well, they go interview the people against it, and it was basically an environmental group.
00:08:19And they go, well, our problem with it is twofold.
00:08:22Number one, every time they do this, they're destroying the catfish breeding holes.
00:08:26And number two, and more importantly, sometimes these catfish, especially if near a dam, can grow to be 150 to
00:08:32250 pounds.
00:08:34So, yes, I swear, Google it.
00:08:37So sometimes, when the hilderlee shoves his arm in the hole, the hilderlee does not come back up.
00:08:48I was like, yeah, but let's think that through.
00:08:51What have we gained, and what have we lost?
00:08:58Everything...
00:09:03We might have lost Billy Bob, but somebody just got his brand new truck full of bush light.
00:09:08What?
00:09:13I don't expect people to know much about Missouri.
00:09:17I do expect people to know it's a state.
00:09:19That I do.
00:09:20And there are people...
00:09:22I was in California, in a Macy's, trying to buy jeans.
00:09:25And the girl, she was young, I'll give her that.
00:09:27But she was one of the girls who taught like that.
00:09:29And she just couldn't be bothered with anything.
00:09:33I go to checkout, and I give her my credit card.
00:09:36She goes, I'm gonna need to see your license.
00:09:39I go, okay, that is not a problem.
00:09:42And I...
00:09:44I'm still not sure exactly what happened.
00:09:46I'm gonna show you what happened.
00:09:47I...
00:09:48I gave her my license, and she went, Missouri.
00:09:53Ah...
00:09:55No.
00:09:59No?
00:10:00Did you just do a search in your brain, and your hard drive came back with nothing, so you negated
00:10:06my whole state?
00:10:07Uh...
00:10:08No.
00:10:14Missouri is a very special place to one group of people.
00:10:17And it's, uh, the Mormons, not the ones that went to Utah.
00:10:21Joseph Smith, the leader, had a son, Joseph Smith Jr.
00:10:24That man believed that the original Garden of Eden was 35 miles north of Kansas City.
00:10:35Not in Mesopotamia.
00:10:37No, no, no, no, no.
00:10:39Missouri.
00:10:40They also believe that when Christ comes back, that's where he's going.
00:10:48First stop, Kansas City.
00:10:51He's not gonna go to Bethlehem or Jerusalem.
00:10:54He is getting a Southwest flight.
00:10:57And...
00:11:02Look, I am from Missouri, and if you think Jesus is going back to Kansas City, 35 miles outside of
00:11:10it, by the way,
00:11:11then you must believe that Jesus is a big fan of barbecue and crystal meth.
00:11:17Because that is what's happening 35 miles outside of Kansas City.
00:11:25My whole family lives there.
00:11:27Well, my parents are in Florida in the winter right now, as most Midwest old people with a car.
00:11:33They leave on December 26th.
00:11:36They're like geese.
00:11:38They just leave.
00:11:38Many flocks of them leave for the Midwest.
00:11:41And my parents bought a new car.
00:11:43They haven't had a new car in 10 years.
00:11:44They bought a black Lincoln Town Car.
00:11:46Little did they know that that's one of the more expensive rides on the Uber app.
00:11:50So I, unbeknownst to them, have signed them up to be Uber drivers.
00:11:57Pick up other old people on the way to Florida.
00:12:00Make a little spending cash.
00:12:02Because my mom will do whatever the phone says.
00:12:05I'm telling her, Jack, we have to pull over.
00:12:07We're the blue dot.
00:12:08And it's saying pull over.
00:12:09There are people that need a ride for some reason.
00:12:12I don't know why the phone is doing this.
00:12:14It's never done this before.
00:12:16But I'm afraid if we don't, there's going to be a problem, Jack.
00:12:24They go to Sarasota now on that side.
00:12:27But for about three years in a row, they went to a place called The Villages.
00:12:31I don't know if any of you have seen it advertised on TV.
00:12:35Go to their website.
00:12:37There's nothing like it in the world.
00:12:38It's the largest retirement community in the nation.
00:12:42Well, in the world, probably.
00:12:43It's 35 minutes or if my mom's driving eight and a half hours away from the Orlando airport.
00:12:50Some guy thought of it.
00:12:52He thought, I'm going to buy all this crappy swamp land and I'm going to make Nirvana for old people.
00:12:56I'll build it.
00:12:57They will come and they came.
00:12:58There's 350,000 of them.
00:13:01They have their own zip code.
00:13:02They have their own post office.
00:13:03They've got golf courses, swimming pools.
00:13:06I mean, it's really something.
00:13:08It really is something.
00:13:09And my parents were there and I go, oh, good.
00:13:12You're going to be at The Villages?
00:13:13That's great because I have shows in Florida and I have nowhere to go in between shows.
00:13:17My mom goes, well, you can come over here, but you can't spend the night on the property.
00:13:22I said, why not?
00:13:23She goes, the law at The Villages, Kathleen, is no one under the age of 55 is allowed to spend
00:13:31the night on the property.
00:13:34I said, really, 55?
00:13:36So you're telling me at age 48, I'm going to have to again go get a fake ID.
00:13:51So that I can spend the night with you, Fritz Mom.
00:13:54I don't, where would I even go to like a bingo game and roll an old redheaded lady and go,
00:13:59sorry, I'll have this back in two days.
00:14:01I just need it to get into The Villages.
00:14:06I said, Mom, how are they going to know if I'm there?
00:14:08Seriously, like does an old man come in a golf cart and do bed check every night?
00:14:12Like what?
00:14:13She goes, yes, that's what I've heard.
00:14:15Yes, that's what I think happens.
00:14:19I said, well, I'm going to come there and I am going to spend the night, but I will meet
00:14:23you halfway so you're not nervous.
00:14:24I'm going to sleep with my tennis shoes, sports bra, and t-shirt and shorts.
00:14:29And if I hear the golf cart, I'm going to get up and I'm going to run into the family
00:14:35room.
00:14:36And I'm going to hide behind the lazy boy because in my own mind, Mom, I'm going to pretend like
00:14:41I'm in the last scene of The Sound of Music
00:14:43and wear the Von Trapps on top of the convent hiding behind tombstones from the Nazis.
00:14:52And then when the golf cart guy shines his flashlight just for my own amusement, I want to pop out
00:14:59from behind it and go,
00:15:00Don't do it, Ralph. You're not one of them. Don't take us. Come with us.
00:15:06And then I'm going to laugh and laugh. He won't laugh, but I don't care. That's not the point. I'm
00:15:11going to laugh.
00:15:13And then I'm going to run by him, Mom, and I'm going to run away and I'm going to make
00:15:17it over the whole border of The Villages.
00:15:19I want to make it to freedom. And do you know how I know I'm confident I can do that?
00:15:25Because I am the only person out of 350,000 that has both of their real knees, Mom.
00:15:36I am the Usain Bolt of this community. I don't think you're respecting my powers.
00:15:48The parents are getting older. There's moments where you're hanging out with them and you're like,
00:15:52Wow, are you actually going crazy in front of me? Like, should I call someone? I don't know what to
00:15:59do.
00:16:00I was in Target with my mom. She opened her wallet and all of her credit cards were individually wrapped
00:16:08in tin foil.
00:16:12She unwraps one and hands it to me as if that's a completely normal exchange of information.
00:16:19I go, we're not going to talk about that? She goes, talk about what, Kathleen?
00:16:24I go, the tin foil, Mom. The tin foil.
00:16:27She goes, well, obviously you have not been keeping up with the news.
00:16:31I said, well, no, I actually thought I had been.
00:16:33Well, then you must have missed the story about the ray gun people.
00:16:39Who are the ray gun people?
00:16:41She said, well, your father and I saw it on 2040 or 6080 or 100 minutes, whatever.
00:16:47It was a very serious program.
00:16:50There are people now, Kathleen, with computer ray guns, and they can shoot that ray gun through my purse, through
00:16:58my wallet,
00:16:59and they gather all of your personal information off of that strip on the back of your debit card.
00:17:04They can shoot through your father's ass at a gas station, right through his ass, into his wallet.
00:17:14I went, okay, my mom's not stupid. She was a nurse for a million years, so I called my friend
00:17:19in Boston, who's been a cop forever,
00:17:22and I asked him about the ray gun people and told him about the tin foil.
00:17:26He said two things, Kathleen.
00:17:29Number one, no, I have not heard about the ray gun people, but in fairness to your mom, I haven't
00:17:34checked my work email in three days.
00:17:36Now, number two, and more importantly, what I do know from being a cop for 20 years is that crazy
00:17:48people love tin foil.
00:17:54You don't need to tell your mother, I'm just telling you so you know that is a fact.
00:18:01An old cop told me that, always carry tin foil in your squad card.
00:18:04If you come across someone who's mentally ill and having a psychotic break, or maybe someone in a drug frenzy,
00:18:09you just tear off a piece of tin foil, you calmly walk over and go make a hat.
00:18:15And the whole situation.
00:18:25They drive to Florida, because my mom won't fly anymore.
00:18:28The fear of flying has literally gone over the edge with her.
00:18:31It started years ago.
00:18:32And I do feel sorry for people who have that fear, because it is real.
00:18:35And you see people at airports, you can always tell, because their hands, their palms are real sweaty, they'll talk
00:18:39to anyone.
00:18:40God forbid the time of departure changes, then they completely unravel.
00:18:44They're like, this is it.
00:18:45I think this plane is broken, and they're going to fly it, don't you?
00:18:48Yeah, I do.
00:18:49Today is the day.
00:18:52American Airlines is going to go, fuck it, give it a whirl.
00:18:55I don't care.
00:18:56What?
00:18:57Every part can't be that important.
00:19:03But it's weird to me that strangers, there will always be a stranger who will say to another stranger,
00:19:09oh, you shouldn't be, you shouldn't have a fear of flying, because I'll tell you what, you have a better
00:19:13chance of being in a car crash
00:19:15than you do of being in a plane crash.
00:19:17And I want to say, but I won't because it would be mean, yeah, but you have a much better
00:19:21chance of getting in a forgettable car crash
00:19:24than you do of being in a forgettable plane crash.
00:19:27There's no way you're going to be in a plane crash, go to work on Monday, and then Wednesday, look
00:19:33at somebody you work with and go, oh, shit.
00:19:37Did I forget to tell you?
00:19:40On the way home from Milwaukee, my plane crash, I don't know if you saw that on CNN.
00:19:45I was the lady running through the cornfield.
00:19:47My hair had gone on fire because I'm nearsighted, and I'd lost my glasses in the turbulence.
00:19:53I actually ran towards the explosion versus away from the explosion.
00:19:58That's why I called it sick yesterday, because my head hurt because you've been on fire.
00:20:13And I fly every week, and I've never even thought about what if something happened to the plane until missing
00:20:19Malaysian flight 370, which I am admittedly obsessed with.
00:20:23My youngest brother, who I talk to almost every day, has banned me from speaking about it.
00:20:28He goes, seriously, Kathleen, if you bring it up, I'm going to hang up.
00:20:32It's been almost two years.
00:20:33I don't want to hear anything that you've read on the Internet.
00:20:36I don't want to hear what you and your drunk friends decided to happen to it.
00:20:41I...
00:20:42He goes, you've never been obsessed with a plane crash.
00:20:44Uh, uh, uh, what is the problem with that sentence, Pat?
00:20:48You just said plane crash.
00:20:50We don't know if this plane crashed, do we?
00:20:54That's why I'm obsessed with it.
00:20:58About seven months ago, they found a wing of a 777 in the Indian Ocean.
00:21:02That's what that plane was, a 777.
00:21:03And they sent that wing to the French.
00:21:05I do not know why the French are in charge of science.
00:21:10I'd have given it to the Germans, but whatever.
00:21:14They actually came out and said, well, yeah, um, this definitely is the wing of a 777, but we cannot
00:21:21confirm it's missing Malaysian Flight 370.
00:21:25Well, has anyone else called?
00:21:32Lost and found.
00:21:36Looking for a wing.
00:21:43They found another little piece like three days ago, but all it says is that...
00:21:48It just says, do not step here.
00:21:50So it could be that or a ladder.
00:21:53Who knows?
00:21:54Nobody...
00:21:54Nobody knows.
00:21:55And I watched every minute of the coverage.
00:21:57And my brother goes, I don't get it.
00:21:58I go, because it's the biggest news story of our lifetime, Patrick.
00:22:01I'm sorry.
00:22:02I've assumed my entire life that when we bought in a ticket...
00:22:05and an airplane to go over a large body of water, I thought the whole time we were up here,
00:22:11someone smarter than us on the ground at all times knew where the fuck we were.
00:22:16I did.
00:22:17I believe that.
00:22:19Yeah, well, that's certainly not the case.
00:22:22Cat is out of the bag.
00:22:23They got nothing.
00:22:25Boston to Dublin, text us when you get there, man.
00:22:28It gets a little weird after Nova Scotia.
00:22:30We don't really tell people that, but as soon as you get to Guinness, give us a holler and let
00:22:33us know everything's all right.
00:22:38They covered it on CNN for 72 days.
00:22:41And people were complaining, you know, it's too much coverage.
00:22:43I'm like, no, it's not.
00:22:44This is wonderful.
00:22:45Because they have no new information, so now they just have to make up conversation.
00:22:49I mean, it got to the point where the experts were like building paper airplanes going,
00:22:53okay, here's what I think happened, all right?
00:22:56It was windy.
00:22:58Come on, turn on the fan.
00:22:59Stay with me, Bob.
00:23:01Somebody put water in the trash can.
00:23:03That's my ocean.
00:23:04Come on.
00:23:09But I watched it because every day they would go live to the city of Kuala Lumpur to a Hilton
00:23:15hotel for a press conference from the Malaysian airline spokesman.
00:23:19I have never felt so sorry for any individual in their job because every day he had no new information.
00:23:26And he had to face a ballroom full of Chinese people because there are 239 missing people, most Chinese.
00:23:33Their families have been flown in.
00:23:34He couldn't even make eye contact.
00:23:36He would just come out and go,
00:23:40Yeah, well, once again, I have no new information on Flight 370.
00:23:47It's a very bad situation.
00:23:49We cannot find our airplane.
00:23:53We have called Australia.
00:23:56They're going to help us look for our airplane.
00:23:58Sometimes you lose something.
00:24:00You can't find it.
00:24:02And you had to ask for help.
00:24:03You know, hey, have you seen my keys?
00:24:05That's the kind of situation.
00:24:08Sorry.
00:24:09And he would leave.
00:24:12I'm like, this is a real airline.
00:24:14They're open today.
00:24:15I check every day.
00:24:17I Google.
00:24:18This is a real working airline.
00:24:21And the Chinese people were so kind, I thought, like impatient.
00:24:24Like he came, he would come out day after day with this.
00:24:27Nothing.
00:24:27There was very little reaction.
00:24:29Week three, he came out.
00:24:31Ah.
00:24:32Ah.
00:24:34Yeah, once again, I have no new information on Flight.
00:24:38We still cannot find our airplane.
00:24:40It's a really, really, really bad situation.
00:24:45We do know this now, though.
00:24:47We have been looking in the wrong ocean.
00:24:57What?
00:24:59Yeah, that ocean wrong.
00:25:01Maybe now, over here, we're going to look over here in this ocean.
00:25:05The wrong ocean.
00:25:07That is an acceptable statement in the year 1492, regarding a boat.
00:25:13I don't know where it went, man.
00:25:14I told you the world was flat.
00:25:16Maybe it just fell off.
00:25:17I don't know.
00:25:18Ce n'est pas une parole d'exceptible dans l'année 2014.
00:25:22C'est incroyable.
00:25:23Et encore une fois, les gens chinois n'ont pas vraiment réagi.
00:25:26Et je me suis pensé, oh mon Dieu,
00:25:28c'est le jour où mon irish temper,
00:25:31chaque valve, c'est qu'elle a burst.
00:25:33J'aurais eu un can d'aquanet et un litre,
00:25:36et celui-ci aurait eu l'air,
00:25:38un biblique pilier de fire,
00:25:40sur CNN International.
00:25:42Et j'aurais fait ça,
00:25:43je vais être arrêté pour la mort,
00:25:46ce serait bien.
00:25:46Et j'aurais eu l'air,
00:25:47et j'aurais eu l'air,
00:25:48et j'aurais eu l'air,
00:25:49parce que je n'ai pas l'air,
00:25:50parce que je n'ai pas l'air,
00:25:51je n'ai pas l'air,
00:25:52je n'ai pas l'air.
00:25:52Mme Madigan,
00:25:53c'est vrai que tu as l'aquanet et un litre
00:25:55et un litre dans le ballon?
00:25:56Huh.
00:25:57Wrong ocean.
00:26:04Wrong ocean.
00:26:05Unbelievable.
00:26:07Les chineses personnes,
00:26:08c'est toujours très kind.
00:26:09Day 72,
00:26:11pour ceux qui ne sont pas obsessions
00:26:12de missing airplanes,
00:26:14c'est la dernière fois
00:26:15et c'est la dernière fois
00:26:16que l'air,
00:26:17car les deux,
00:26:18car les deux,
00:26:19c'est la plus,
00:26:21c'est la plus,
00:26:21et la plus,
00:26:21c'est la plus,
00:26:22c'est la plus,
00:26:22c'est l'air,
00:26:23c'est l'air,
00:26:23et c'est la plus,
00:26:26c'est l'air,
00:26:31c'est l'air.
00:26:36Oh yeah, one more thing, haha, about that airplane, um, we never had batteries in that air, sorry, well, you
00:26:47know, sometimes at home, your remote control, your batteries go dead, and you go to a different remote control, and
00:26:53you take those batteries, and you put them in this remote control, and then later on, you go for the
00:26:58other one, you go, uh-oh, I forgot, that's what happened, sorry.
00:27:08They are open, so, day 72, at the time, the Chinese people don't know that there's, they don't know there's
00:27:16no batteries, they'd believe there were batteries in it, he comes out, and I thought, whatever you do, just don't
00:27:21say it the same way, phrase it differently, no, no, he came out,
00:27:26Uh-huh, yeah, once again, I have no new information on 5378, and finally the Chinese people lost their minds,
00:27:36an old man, like, rose back, flicked a lit cigarette, at that man's head live on TV.
00:27:43Sadly, my first thought was, wow, you can still smoke inside, in a Hilton, in Malaysia, note to self, vacation
00:27:53in Kuala Lumpur, take different airline, check Southwest, that airline's ridiculous.
00:28:03And then the, the, the, the older women started losing it, like, literally, having heart attacks, 911 is being called,
00:28:09it's bedlam, they have finally reached their maximum potential of patience, they're out of it.
00:28:13I happen to be home watching it with my parents, my, my dad, who does not like public displays of
00:28:19emotion, was like, oh my god, Jesus Christ, they gotta get it together, they gotta get it together, do they
00:28:24know they're on television, are they aware that people can see?
00:28:27My mom interrupts with, and I have six siblings, well, Jack, you have to understand, it's extra sand for the
00:28:34Chinese people, because they only have one child.
00:28:43I go, hold on a second, so are you saying, mom, it would only be a seventh of sad, if
00:28:54I went missing forever?
00:28:57Yes, that's what I'm saying, yes.
00:29:01You may not want to hear that, but that's the truth, I mean, we have six other children, they have
00:29:06children, your father,
00:29:07and I have casino, buffet tickets, we are leading a full life.
00:29:15Yes, you are.
00:29:18Seven kids, it's too many.
00:29:20Nobody notices, though, that's a good thing, if you're one of seven, no one notices anything.
00:29:24Like, I'm surprised, I have friends who have one or two kids, they speak to them about their feelings, and
00:29:29their thoughts, and
00:29:30they address them individually.
00:29:34Because my friends are like, oh, you guys didn't know.
00:29:37No, not with seven kids, there were just announcements made, that's all.
00:29:42We're moving.
00:29:43Oh, fuck, what, what, what?
00:29:46When?
00:29:47Your mother's already in the car, I don't know what's going on with you people.
00:29:59Nobody notices when you're one of seven, which was fine with me, I didn't mind that.
00:30:02I still choose that.
00:30:04But sometimes to the point of, really, guys, I do not watch myself on TV.
00:30:09I was 35 years old, and I walked to my parents' house, and they somehow had me on their TV,
00:30:13and I looked at it, and I go, oh, what is wrong with my eye?
00:30:19My dad goes, you mean you're lazy, they want?
00:30:24What?
00:30:26Yeah, your right eye.
00:30:27When you get tired or nervous, it twitches and kind of jumps around.
00:30:32You don't feel that happening?
00:30:33No.
00:30:34No, I didn't know.
00:30:35I didn't know that was happening.
00:30:38How long has that been going on?
00:30:40Well, I mean, since you were a baby.
00:30:42I mean, they told us to put a patch on you, but you can't have a baby girl pirate.
00:30:47That's crazy.
00:30:50So, uh...
00:30:52We thought you'd grow out of it, quite frankly, and clearly you have not, Kathleen.
00:30:56So, if I were you, before you'd go on television, I would get a nap or calm down, because it's...
00:31:10I didn't really know how small families work until I got to go over to other friends' houses.
00:31:14Like, when you're in second grade or whatever, my friend across the street, Bob, he was like,
00:31:19that's my mom, and that's my sister, and I'm like, well, where is everyone?
00:31:24Like, I don't want to say anything.
00:31:25Maybe there was a house fire, or, you know, some sort of tragedy, but this is weird.
00:31:32I think smaller families are kinder.
00:31:34They say kinder things.
00:31:35I don't know if they really mean them, but I heard, I love you a lot.
00:31:37I love you.
00:31:38I love you, too.
00:31:39I love you more than yesterday.
00:31:40Love you more than tomorrow.
00:31:42And it's not even today.
00:31:44I would just stand there paralyzed and uncomfortable.
00:31:48He'd go, you guys don't say I love you?
00:31:50No.
00:31:52There are nine people at my house.
00:31:54Saying I love you will be a sign of weakness.
00:32:01They need to wake up and wonder how I feel about their ass.
00:32:04I'm not giving them that.
00:32:08And at this age, if I walked into a room and all my siblings were sitting there and they
00:32:11all started to say I love you, I would run out because I would know it's some sort of
00:32:15intervention.
00:32:16And I'm not falling for that.
00:32:19I'm not listening to your dumbass sad letter.
00:32:24Dear Kathleen.
00:32:30We went to Catholic schools.
00:32:33Yeah, I didn't mind.
00:32:34If I had kids, I would make them go to a Catholic school because I'll tell you what, the one
00:32:38thing I guarantee you, if you send your kids to a Catholic school, they will never join ISIS.
00:32:45Somebody would have said to me at age 18 after all that Catholicism, hey, can we talk to you
00:32:51about our religion for a minute?
00:32:55No, you may not.
00:32:57You are 18 years late to this party, Mohammed.
00:33:01You.
00:33:08I think being Catholic is Christian, but it is pointed out to me many times in the South
00:33:13that they're not the same.
00:33:15Because in the South, they'll go, oh, are you Christian?
00:33:17I'll go, yeah, I'm Catholic.
00:33:18Oh, well, we're Christian.
00:33:20Oh, okay.
00:33:21I thought we said the same thing, but I guess not.
00:33:25There are differences.
00:33:26The Christians have a direct relationship with Jesus, and they speak of it like that.
00:33:30You know what?
00:33:31Me and my relationship with Jesus, well, I love Jesus.
00:33:33Jesus loves me.
00:33:34It's just a direct, very solid relationship with Jesus.
00:33:37And I thought, wow, really?
00:33:38You guys are going straight to Jesus.
00:33:40In a Catholic school, I was given a laundry list of people to contact before the nuns said,
00:33:49because otherwise I'm bothering Jesus.
00:33:52You are going to call these people, Kathleen, before you bother Jesus.
00:33:56You can start with your guardian angel.
00:33:58He's got nothing to do 24 hours a day except tend to your needs.
00:34:03If he's not available, you can speak to the saint in charge of the activity you're upset about.
00:34:08Every single saint has been assigned an assignment.
00:34:12You can speak to Jesus' mother if you'd like to.
00:34:15You can give Mary a shout, but you are not bothered.
00:34:29Even if I did something bad, I couldn't tell Jesus.
00:34:32I had to go to confession.
00:34:34I had to get in a creepy closet with a guy in the dark, and then I had to tell
00:34:38him that he's going to tell a guy.
00:34:40And I wasn't good at confession because my dad, for many years, was a defense attorney,
00:34:45and starting in second grade, he would tell us all at the dinner table,
00:34:48I want all of you kids to remember, if the police capture you, or anyone in a position of authority
00:34:54ask you questions,
00:34:56your response, no matter what, are, I do not recall, I need an attorney.
00:35:01I do not recall, I need an attorney.
00:35:0590% of people are in prison because they can't keep their goddamn mouth shut.
00:35:10Never, ever snitch on yourself.
00:35:16And then I would go to confession in the closet, and the priest would go,
00:35:21Kathleen, have you done anything bad?
00:35:23Is there anything you'd like to tell me about?
00:35:27I'm not falling for this.
00:35:29My dad's probably planted him here.
00:35:31I know, I know what I'm supposed to say.
00:35:34I'm sorry, Father, but I do not recall, and I need an attorney.
00:35:47Honey, you're only in second grade.
00:35:49Well, maybe you don't know this, Father Anthony, but 90% of people are in prison
00:35:54because they can't keep their goddamn mouth shut.
00:35:58If you'd like some more information on that.
00:36:06If you're from a big family, you know you never say anything directly to the sibling that you intend on
00:36:11saying something to.
00:36:12You say it to a different sibling, then they'll say it to another sibling,
00:36:14and then eventually it'll go back to the sibling you intended it to say.
00:36:18I, uh, this year at Christmas, my brother said, uh, you should be on time because last year you were
00:36:25late,
00:36:25and he said that our other sister said I ruined Christmas.
00:36:29I go, really? Did she say that?
00:36:31I ruined it?
00:36:33I'm calling her.
00:36:34I go, did you say I ruined Christmas?
00:36:38Well, I might have.
00:36:40I mean, you were late.
00:36:41Everybody knew to get there at 9.30, and you didn't get there until 10 to 10,
00:36:44and I mean, the kids were all excited, and everybody was all excited,
00:36:46and then we had to wait because you had time to get caught.
00:36:47I go, ah, okay, I agree.
00:36:49I was late.
00:36:50I apologize for that.
00:36:51But I would like to point out for the future
00:36:53that I think you and I have very different definitions
00:36:56of what ruining Christmas would be.
00:37:00To me, ruining Christmas would be
00:37:03if I would have walked into Mom and Dad's house
00:37:06with a 12-gauge shotgun
00:37:08and shot them in the face.
00:37:10I think that ruins Christmas.
00:37:13And it ruins the rest of the Christmases after that
00:37:16because you can't ever have another Christmas without going,
00:37:19oh, my God, remember that one Christmas
00:37:21when Kathleen went crazy and shot Mom and Dad in the face?
00:37:24It was horrible.
00:37:31My siblings have tons of kids.
00:37:33They're everywhere.
00:37:35I don't have any, and I'm glad I don't.
00:37:37I don't have the pressure of naming the kids.
00:37:39That's awful.
00:37:40My youngest brother, his name is John Patrick Madigan.
00:37:42That's my dad's name, and that name has been in our family
00:37:45since 1853, circa Ireland, as far as we can count back.
00:37:50And then my youngest brother knew that they were having a boy,
00:37:53and he called and said, you know what, I'm not going to do it.
00:37:55I'm like, you're not going to name him John Patrick Madigan?
00:37:59He goes, no.
00:38:01I go, well, I've never asked you for anything,
00:38:03but here's what I would like.
00:38:04I would like to know when and where
00:38:06you're going to be telling Dad this information.
00:38:09I'm going to bring a cooler of beer
00:38:11because that's how long his answer is going to be, Pat,
00:38:14and it's going to involve the whole history of Ireland
00:38:16and what's wrong with English people,
00:38:18and there were actually potatoes,
00:38:20but they never gave them to the people,
00:38:22and Henry VIII.
00:38:25Why?
00:38:26Why would you pick this fight?
00:38:27Your name is John Patrick Madigan, we call you Patrick.
00:38:29His is John Patrick Madigan, we call him Jack.
00:38:31Grandpa is John Patrick Madigan, we call him Jack.
00:38:32You can call him Fucknut.
00:38:34Just name him.
00:38:36This is a crazy fight in my mind.
00:38:40Don't, you'd have a better time telling Dad
00:38:42you were going to become a woman.
00:38:44Seriously.
00:38:44Because Mom would smooth it over
00:38:47because you're the baby.
00:38:48Everyone in L.A. is doing it.
00:38:50Bruce Jenner.
00:38:53I said, why?
00:38:54Why, Patrick?
00:38:55He goes, you don't know what it's like
00:38:57to live with somebody else's name.
00:38:58You really, exact same name.
00:39:00He goes, you know, I cannot get DirecTV
00:39:02because Dad won't pay their bill.
00:39:07What?
00:39:09I go, they don't even have DirecTV.
00:39:11Oh, no, not anymore.
00:39:12They did four years ago.
00:39:14That's how long the standoff's been going on.
00:39:16It's over a movie that Dad claims he didn't rent.
00:39:20They paid everything but that charge,
00:39:22but that charge has penalties.
00:39:24So it's now $287.
00:39:26And I said, well, just pay the bill.
00:39:28I'll pay it.
00:39:29He goes, no, I could pay it too,
00:39:30but I can't pay it
00:39:32because he won't give me the account information
00:39:35because he doesn't want to pay.
00:39:36I go, what was the movie?
00:39:38Just out of curiosity.
00:39:39He goes, Lincoln, starring Daniel Day-Lewis.
00:39:41And if you'd like to hear that speech,
00:39:44call him, can't believe.
00:39:45It's why would I rent Abraham Lincoln?
00:39:47Has something new happened?
00:39:49Do we have new information?
00:39:50Did John Wilkes Booth not shoot Abraham Lincoln?
00:39:53I never ordered goddamn Lincoln.
00:39:56I know it.
00:40:03I said, all right.
00:40:04Well, I mean, I guess if you're not going to do that,
00:40:06what other names were you guys thinking of?
00:40:08He goes, well, a lot,
00:40:09but here's a little left-field one,
00:40:11maybe Seamus.
00:40:12And I went, Seamus Madigan?
00:40:15He goes, why is that funny to you?
00:40:16I go, I don't know,
00:40:18but we should pay attention to that.
00:40:20I just laughed for no reason.
00:40:21And I go, I think names have power.
00:40:24If you're going to name him Seamus Madigan,
00:40:26I think you should lower all expectations.
00:40:30Seamus Madigan is a bartender.
00:40:32He always was a bartender.
00:40:33He will always be a bartender.
00:40:35I don't think he's going to be a heart surgeon.
00:40:37And if he was, I wouldn't let him operate on me,
00:40:40even if he was my nephew.
00:40:41If I was in some emergency room,
00:40:43I came out and said,
00:40:44your surgeon, Dr. Seamus Madigan,
00:40:47will be out in a minute.
00:40:48I would be like, no, he will not.
00:40:50And I would wheel my ass down to the Jewish hospital
00:40:53where there was a nice young man named Sam
00:40:55whose family took education more seriously
00:40:58than beer pong and football.
00:41:00That's what I would do.
00:41:06I have no kids.
00:41:08I don't want them.
00:41:09I've seen what it's done to some of my siblings.
00:41:12Oh, they're so tired and cranky.
00:41:15My sister, who's normally very happy, has twins.
00:41:17She looks so tired.
00:41:19I go, you look really tired.
00:41:20You don't have to say that.
00:41:21I know I look tired.
00:41:23I am tired.
00:41:24I have a four-year-old.
00:41:25Did you know?
00:41:26I thought it was going to get easier.
00:41:27No, it doesn't.
00:41:28The average four-year-old asks 436 questions in a day.
00:41:31Did you know that?
00:41:33And I have two of them.
00:41:34And I'm too tired to add 436 plus 436.
00:41:38It's a lot of questions.
00:41:39I can't believe.
00:41:41I said, do you know why they asked 436?
00:41:44Because you were dumb enough to answer the first question.
00:41:47That's what led to that line of questioning.
00:41:51You've got to shut it down.
00:41:54If I have them, I throw them in the van in the morning, they'll ask a random question.
00:41:58Hey, Aunt Kat, how come their dog gets to be out front and ours doesn't?
00:42:02Fuck if I know.
00:42:03That's the answer.
00:42:06Ask Siri.
00:42:08Siri has answers.
00:42:09Aunt Kat, no answers.
00:42:20Here's the biggest reason I would never want to have a kid, because I will never again on my own
00:42:25or even insist on installing a car seat.
00:42:28I don't know how many of you have ever had to do this, but if you're gonna, here's a few
00:42:33helpful hints.
00:42:34Take the whole day off work, because that's how long it's going to take you.
00:42:38Whatever your favorite alcohol is, have a bucket of it next to that minivan, because you're gonna stop and have
00:42:44to take drinks and re-read things.
00:42:47If you're over the age of, oh, I'd say 30, at some point you're going to become infuriated with Ralph
00:42:53Nader, because he's the one who started it all.
00:42:55I remember being in grade school, and he was on 60 Minutes.
00:42:59Seatbelts.
00:42:59Everybody must have a seatbelt car seat.
00:43:01Seatbelt.
00:43:02Safety is for life.
00:43:03Head injuries are also for life.
00:43:05I have statistics.
00:43:07Well, maybe you do, Ralph.
00:43:09I'm sure you do, but so do I.
00:43:11There were seven of us, Ralph, for 16 years.
00:43:14We rode around in the back of a station wagon, completely untethered.
00:43:18Completely.
00:43:24And we were in accidents, a lot of them, especially if my mom was driving.
00:43:28We...
00:43:30Sometimes we got hit so hard, I actually flew to a better seat than I had originally secured.
00:43:38Who's got the window now, jackass?
00:43:41That's right.
00:43:44And that was with my parents chain-smoking in the car.
00:43:48Both of them.
00:43:49It was so smoky in that car.
00:43:52You could barely see other passengers.
00:43:54Seriously.
00:43:55The way, way back was like Studio 54, because the sun would hit the smoke and create patterns,
00:44:02and then I would draw patterns within the pattern, because I didn't have an iPad.
00:44:07So that's what I would do to entertain myself.
00:44:17If you're a woman and you're going to install a car seat, I would highly suggest you put on a
00:44:20sports bra,
00:44:21because you're going to get hot.
00:44:22You're going to be so hot.
00:44:24You're going to start inadvertently just tearing off pieces of clothing.
00:44:27And if you're not careful, you'll end up like I did, in my sister's driveway, in my regular bra,
00:44:33just drinking a beer, staring off into space.
00:44:37And the normally very friendly neighbors came home, trying to talk to them,
00:44:42but I don't know why they'd be so weird.
00:44:44And I was like, hi, guys, doing?
00:44:47Yeah, no, I just came home.
00:44:48She had twins.
00:44:49I got to do two of these.
00:44:50I can't figure it out.
00:44:52I'm so hot.
00:44:53It's so hot.
00:44:55I would offer you a beer, but I only have three left, and I've made no progress.
00:45:05So I just found notes on the back of it.
00:45:08There's factory notes that say if you don't know how to do this,
00:45:10you can take it to the police department or the fire department, and they'll install it for you.
00:45:15But unfortunately, I didn't find those notes until after I'd already started drinking.
00:45:20So I don't think it would be a good idea to drive two law enforcement shit-faced and two car
00:45:28seats,
00:45:28and I don't even have any babies.
00:45:29I mean, it's just too much to explain, right?
00:45:31That's crazy.
00:45:35So this is what I was thinking.
00:45:36I was thinking I might set her car on fire,
00:45:40that I'll call the fire department,
00:45:42and then after they put the car out, I'll go,
00:45:44Hey, since you're all here,
00:45:46I think you can give me a hookup.
00:45:57They were a pain in the ass, too, to put kids in them,
00:45:59especially in winter with the coats and 70,000 buckles and the whole thing.
00:46:03And the one, my brother's kid, I thought was big enough to not go into car seat.
00:46:07And I said, Do I got to do him, too?
00:46:08And she's just disgusted with my lack of any parenting knowledge.
00:46:12She goes, 4'10, 80 pounds.
00:46:16What?
00:46:18That's the Missouri State law, Kathleen.
00:46:20If you're 4'10 or shorter, 80 pounds or less,
00:46:22your ass is in a car seat versus a ticket from the Missouri State Highway Patrol.
00:46:26I go, Really? 4'10?
00:46:28That is excellent news, because right now, I'm only 5'1.
00:46:33The average woman, due to osteoporosis in your life,
00:46:39you will have shrunk anywhere from 2 to 5 inches.
00:46:42I am not certain I am bad at math,
00:46:45but I'm pretty sure that puts me back in a car seat.
00:46:51I can't wait to be back in a car seat.
00:46:54All these nieces and nephews I have will be old enough to drive,
00:46:57and I'm going to do exactly what they do.
00:46:59I'm going to call them, say I need a ride,
00:47:00and then I'm going to pack a big bag full of unnecessary,
00:47:03unrelated items that I have to have,
00:47:06or there is going to be a meltdown.
00:47:11Then, like the 5- and 6-year-olds,
00:47:14I'm going to get in the van and walk on my own accord
00:47:15to the very back seat,
00:47:17and I'm just going to hop up at it like they do
00:47:19and wait for the great buckling.
00:47:21Just sit there.
00:47:27And I'm going to let them buckle me in.
00:47:29Then I'm going to let them pull away,
00:47:31and I'm going to wait until they drive
00:47:33where it's somewhere terribly inconvenient to pull over,
00:47:35and I'm going to start screaming from the back like they do.
00:47:39My buckle's too tight!
00:47:45I'm joking!
00:47:51I dropped my wine!
00:48:05That's what I want to do when I'm retired.
00:48:07I just want to drink red wine
00:48:08and watch House Hunters over and over.
00:48:11I love that show.
00:48:13I do.
00:48:14I don't know why.
00:48:15I don't even care about what houses these people are buying.
00:48:17I'm more interested in their relationships
00:48:18because at least 50% of the people shouldn't even be married
00:48:22more or less purchasing property together.
00:48:25I saw one in Atlanta.
00:48:27It was a man and a woman.
00:48:29They walked into the house,
00:48:30and the first thing out of the man's mouth,
00:48:32he goes,
00:48:32Oh, I can't live with this backsplash.
00:48:37Oh, my God, ma'am.
00:48:38You have a much bigger problem
00:48:40than what house you're going to buy.
00:48:44You have accidentally married a gay guy,
00:48:47and his boyfriend is not going to approve
00:48:49of this ugly backsplash
00:48:51when he comes over here
00:48:53while you're at yoga,
00:48:54a.k.a. drinking,
00:48:55with your girlfriends on a Thursday.
00:49:01I'm just amazed.
00:49:02In my whole life,
00:49:03I've never punched anybody,
00:49:05but if I was the realtors on this show,
00:49:08I would punch at least half of these people.
00:49:09My own clients right in the face.
00:49:10They are so demanding,
00:49:12and they naysay a house right out of the gate.
00:49:14They just walk in and go,
00:49:16Pah, I can't live here.
00:49:17There's no granite countertops.
00:49:21I'm sorry.
00:49:22Maybe you forgot.
00:49:23You have a budget of $8.
00:49:25Maybe you should be grateful
00:49:30that I'm not showing you a mobile home right now
00:49:33and bragging about the porch
00:49:35that JoJo put on
00:49:36before he went back to prison.
00:49:37What?
00:49:39Christ's name.
00:49:39would make you think
00:49:41you could have granite countertops.
00:49:44And it's always the meanest lady
00:49:45of any episode
00:49:47who at some point will go,
00:49:48Well, I don't know if I want to live here.
00:49:50I don't see any room for entertaining.
00:49:52Well,
00:49:54don't worry, ma'am.
00:49:55No one's fucking coming over here.
00:49:57You're the meanest person
00:49:59I've ever heard speak English on television.
00:50:02Seriously.
00:50:07But I think over the age of 40,
00:50:08if that's what I want to do with my time,
00:50:10I think over 40,
00:50:11you can kind of give up.
00:50:12If I just want to drink wine and watch out,
00:50:14why not?
00:50:14The dream catcher didn't catch anything.
00:50:21It's the third quarter I'm losing.
00:50:24Just...
00:50:26I do understand...
00:50:27Over 40,
00:50:28I don't understand young people
00:50:29that kind of give up so early
00:50:31where you can tell
00:50:31they're just disgusted.
00:50:33They don't want any more information.
00:50:34They have just had it.
00:50:36Early,
00:50:36like in their 20s.
00:50:37I flew to Norfolk, Virginia.
00:50:39I'd never been there.
00:50:40I got off the plane
00:50:41and their airport was themed.
00:50:43I've never seen that.
00:50:44And the theme they chose
00:50:46was mermaids.
00:50:48They were everywhere.
00:50:50They were like in the carpet,
00:50:51in baggage claim.
00:50:52They're handing you the luggage.
00:50:53They're just everywhere.
00:50:55And I went to the gift shop
00:50:56on the way out
00:50:57because I wanted to get water.
00:50:59There's a girl working in the gift shop.
00:51:00She's about 25 years old.
00:51:02I said,
00:51:02Hey, I'm not from here.
00:51:04What's going on
00:51:05with all this mermaid stuff?
00:51:06And she said,
00:51:08and I quote,
00:51:09I don't know.
00:51:10Somebody saw one once.
00:51:21Wow.
00:51:22I thought she truly
00:51:22doesn't give a shit.
00:51:24Shit.
00:51:25Bigfoot could have been
00:51:26shopping it in that gift shop.
00:51:27She'd be like,
00:51:28I don't know what your hairy ass
00:51:29is planning on buying,
00:51:30but I close in five minutes.
00:51:32I ain't scared of you,
00:51:34Mr. Monster Man.
00:51:37I don't know.
00:51:38Somebody saw one once.
00:51:40Just so disgusted
00:51:41that I even asked.
00:51:42But then,
00:51:43after meeting the mermaid lady
00:51:44for like the next three months,
00:51:46no matter what question
00:51:47I was asked,
00:51:48that's the only answer
00:51:49I would give.
00:51:50I'm just kidding.
00:51:50I don't know.
00:51:52Somebody saw one once.
00:51:53Because it is so confusing
00:51:56and dismissive
00:51:57to the recipient.
00:51:58But it's so fun
00:52:00if you're the one saying it.
00:52:04My youngest brother,
00:52:06the one who won't let me speak
00:52:07about Malaysian Flight 370,
00:52:09he helps me with my taxes
00:52:12because if I,
00:52:13any state you work in,
00:52:14you have to fill out their forms
00:52:15even if you don't get money back.
00:52:16He called about six weeks
00:52:17after I met the mermaid lady
00:52:19and he goes,
00:52:20oh yeah, Kathleen,
00:52:21I'm trying to do your taxes.
00:52:22I'm trying to get all these states.
00:52:23I think you worked
00:52:24in Wisconsin two times.
00:52:25You should get,
00:52:26they have a state withholding tax.
00:52:28You'd be able to get a refund.
00:52:29It's a 3.8 per cent.
00:52:30I thought that.
00:52:31When you got paid,
00:52:32you should have been
00:52:33given some forms.
00:52:34Do you know where
00:52:35those forms are?
00:52:40I don't know.
00:52:42Somebody saw one once.
00:52:49And I guarantee
00:52:50if you say that,
00:52:51the only thing
00:52:52a person will ever say back
00:52:53is, what?
00:52:54And then...
00:53:01That's what I want to do.
00:53:02I want to drink and watch,
00:53:03drink red wine
00:53:04and watch house stars.
00:53:05I don't usually think
00:53:06I drink too much
00:53:07until you go to the doctor
00:53:08and they have those
00:53:09drinking questions on there.
00:53:11Yeah.
00:53:12Mine, it's 7 and 8.
00:53:14Question 7.
00:53:15Do you drink alcohol?
00:53:16Little tiny boxes.
00:53:17Yes.
00:53:19Question 8.
00:53:20Do you drink
00:53:21two, four, six,
00:53:23or eight drinks a week?
00:53:26No.
00:53:27Ha ha.
00:53:28No.
00:53:29You are not even
00:53:30in the right ballpark.
00:53:31Jesus Christ.
00:53:32What is this,
00:53:33a Mormon practice?
00:53:34I thought the name
00:53:35said Fitzgerald
00:53:36that I would not be
00:53:37charged on my deviant
00:53:38and abhorrent
00:53:39drinking drinking.
00:53:41See other side.
00:53:43Parentheses, arrow.
00:53:44Now.
00:53:50If I do feel bad
00:53:51about my drinking,
00:53:52I would come here
00:53:55because you guys
00:53:56set a whole new bar.
00:54:02Or I go to Ireland.
00:54:04I try to go once a year
00:54:05to be with my people
00:54:06to reset my priorities
00:54:08and my boundaries.
00:54:11I have friends
00:54:12that go to Hawaii
00:54:13every year.
00:54:14They're like,
00:54:14oh, we love Hawaii,
00:54:15but you seem to really
00:54:16love Ireland.
00:54:17Do you think we would like it?
00:54:18Do you think they're similar?
00:54:20Oh.
00:54:22Well, they're both
00:54:24an island.
00:54:26Ireland, however,
00:54:27would have no vegetables
00:54:29or sun.
00:54:30I don't know
00:54:30if those two things
00:54:33interest you,
00:54:34but they are fresh out.
00:54:35It is not
00:54:37a healthy place.
00:54:39That's why I feel
00:54:40at home there
00:54:41and that's why
00:54:41I like it there.
00:54:43It's sort of the gist,
00:54:44they just don't really
00:54:45truly give a shit
00:54:46on a good level
00:54:47in a healthy way.
00:54:49They've decided
00:54:49to not be healthy.
00:54:50I was in a pub
00:54:51and I ordered
00:54:53roast beef
00:54:53and mashed potatoes
00:54:54because I love that
00:54:55and I thought,
00:54:56I'm just going to ask.
00:54:57Probably the answer is no,
00:54:58but the guy was like 80,
00:55:00the bartender,
00:55:01and I go,
00:55:01hey,
00:55:02do you guys
00:55:02by any chance
00:55:03have any corn?
00:55:05You thought
00:55:06I asked for
00:55:07an eight ball cocaine.
00:55:11He goes,
00:55:12corn!
00:55:14No,
00:55:15we wouldn't have
00:55:16any corn here
00:55:17in the countryside.
00:55:18We probably don't
00:55:18have any corn
00:55:19in the entire country
00:55:20at the moment.
00:55:23I said,
00:55:24have you ever
00:55:25had corn?
00:55:27Yes,
00:55:27I've had corn.
00:55:28When I was nine,
00:55:29we traveled to Germany
00:55:32and I had some corn
00:55:33and I didn't care for it.
00:55:36I thought,
00:55:36good for you.
00:55:37He hasn't had corn
00:55:38in 71 years
00:55:39and he doesn't
00:55:41give a shit.
00:55:43And he looks fine
00:55:44and he's bartending
00:55:45on a Thursday.
00:55:50The whole pace
00:55:51of Ireland
00:55:51is just slower,
00:55:52but I like it better.
00:55:53It just takes you
00:55:53a while in your
00:55:54American mind
00:55:55to slow down
00:55:56like that.
00:55:57I went,
00:55:57because they don't,
00:55:58it's very,
00:55:59nobody's really,
00:56:00you know,
00:56:01fired up on it.
00:56:02I went
00:56:04in a store
00:56:05that said bagels
00:56:06in a little town
00:56:07in the country
00:56:07and I walked in
00:56:08and there's a lady
00:56:08and there's a glass case
00:56:09and there's no bagels.
00:56:11And I thought,
00:56:12here we go,
00:56:13right?
00:56:15I go,
00:56:15you don't have any,
00:56:16I thought maybe
00:56:17they're in the back,
00:56:18you don't have any bagels?
00:56:19No,
00:56:20I'm afraid
00:56:20we wouldn't have
00:56:20any bagels
00:56:21at the moment.
00:56:23Are you
00:56:24selling any other food
00:56:26right now?
00:56:29I wouldn't be selling
00:56:30anything but the bagels
00:56:32that I don't have
00:56:33at the moment.
00:56:34It's at that point
00:56:35your American brain
00:56:37wants to go,
00:56:38what the fuck
00:56:39is wrong
00:56:39with you people?
00:56:43But I would never
00:56:44do that
00:56:45because I'm
00:56:45Midwest polite.
00:56:48I said,
00:56:49what,
00:56:50can I ask you
00:56:51a question?
00:56:51Why are you
00:56:52still open?
00:56:53Did you have
00:56:53nothing for sale?
00:56:56She goes,
00:56:56well,
00:56:57I left it all open.
00:56:58First of all,
00:56:58I don't know
00:56:58where the bagels are.
00:56:59It's supposed to be
00:56:59here at half past seven.
00:57:00It's already
00:57:00at ten past ten.
00:57:01I don't know.
00:57:02Perhaps there's been
00:57:02an accident on the road.
00:57:03You'll say a rosary
00:57:04and perhaps a novena
00:57:05tonight for Johnny
00:57:06the bagel man.
00:57:09And I left the door
00:57:10open in case I had
00:57:11a nice conversation
00:57:12with someone like
00:57:13himself.
00:57:16Oh my God.
00:57:16I have to now
00:57:17go back to the other
00:57:18bar and order a Guinness
00:57:19in order to fix
00:57:21this conversation
00:57:22in my brain.
00:57:24I love Guinness.
00:57:26That is actually
00:57:26my favorite thing
00:57:27in the whole world.
00:57:27It's the greatest drink.
00:57:29It's like somebody
00:57:29had a beer
00:57:30and then somebody
00:57:31threw a roast beef
00:57:32in the beer
00:57:33and then somebody
00:57:35put mashed potatoes
00:57:36on top
00:57:37and handed it to you.
00:57:41It's not healthy,
00:57:42but I really don't care
00:57:43about health either.
00:57:44There comes a point
00:57:45in your life
00:57:46where you're like,
00:57:46I think it's too late.
00:57:48That's why I don't
00:57:50like to watch CNN
00:57:51because Sanjay Gupta,
00:57:52that doctor,
00:57:53comes on
00:57:53and he is a buzzkill.
00:57:56Every single time
00:57:57he's on,
00:57:58he's got bad news
00:57:59about things
00:58:00that can kill us,
00:58:01but things we've been
00:58:02doing our whole lives.
00:58:03I'm like, Sanjay,
00:58:04people watching CNN
00:58:05are most likely
00:58:06over the age of 30.
00:58:08It is too late for us.
00:58:09You, sir,
00:58:11should be a Nickelodeon.
00:58:12Tell the children.
00:58:14Save the children.
00:58:18It's too late.
00:58:22I was watching it
00:58:23about two weeks
00:58:24before Thanksgiving.
00:58:25He came on.
00:58:26He's like,
00:58:26uh-oh.
00:58:27Oh, God.
00:58:28Horrible news.
00:58:30World Health Organization
00:58:31just did a study
00:58:32and as it turns out,
00:58:34they have decided
00:58:35that processed meats
00:58:36are raising the cancer rates
00:58:37by a much higher rate,
00:58:39specifically bacon.
00:58:43Yeah.
00:58:45That's right, Wisconsin.
00:58:46and that's...
00:58:48Whoa.
00:58:50I'm like,
00:58:51bacon?
00:58:52I mean,
00:58:52well, I'm sorry
00:58:53to hear that, Sanjay,
00:58:54because I love bacon.
00:58:56I've been eating it
00:58:56my whole life.
00:58:57Sometimes I put it
00:58:58in Bloody Marys.
00:58:59I've actually drank bacon.
00:59:00That's how much...
00:59:04I added it up
00:59:05in my life,
00:59:06give or take 10.
00:59:08and I have eaten
00:59:10311 pigs.
00:59:13I've eaten a farm, sir.
00:59:16You can't fix that
00:59:17with a yoga class.
00:59:18You can't back that damage up
00:59:20with a walk around the block.
00:59:27And I don't even go looking
00:59:28for health stuff.
00:59:30Like, I'm not that person
00:59:31where I, no, no, no.
00:59:31But like,
00:59:32the front page of Yahoo,
00:59:33I don't know,
00:59:34six months ago,
00:59:34that it said,
00:59:35if you're fair-skinned
00:59:36with freckles,
00:59:37uh, click here.
00:59:39Why?
00:59:40I don't want to click it.
00:59:41You know it's not good news.
00:59:43They're not going to go,
00:59:44hey, guess what,
00:59:45freckle people?
00:59:45You all want $50.
00:59:46Run on down
00:59:47to the post office
00:59:48and pick up
00:59:49your government check.
00:59:50No.
00:59:52But I feel like
00:59:53I have to click on it
00:59:54because it's a meeting
00:59:55of my people,
00:59:56and what if there's
00:59:57an announcement
00:59:57and I don't hear it
00:59:58and that I'm the only lady
01:00:00that didn't know
01:00:02look like some sort
01:00:03of jackass
01:00:04so I clicked on it.
01:00:06Google this.
01:00:07It's unbelievable.
01:00:08They go,
01:00:08uh-oh,
01:00:09just found this out.
01:00:11Incoming.
01:00:12Breaking news.
01:00:13If you're white
01:00:14with freckles,
01:00:15fair skin,
01:00:16and you've been
01:00:17drinking orange juice,
01:00:20all of us,
01:00:21our whole lives,
01:00:22or eating grapefruit,
01:00:23they have figured out
01:00:25that when the sun,
01:00:26when you go outside
01:00:27in the sun,
01:00:28because your skin,
01:00:28it's so easy
01:00:29to penetrate your skin,
01:00:30that the sun
01:00:31is activating the acid
01:00:33from the grapefruits
01:00:35and the oranges,
01:00:36raising your chances
01:00:38of melanoma
01:00:38by like 27%.
01:00:41Yeah.
01:00:43So now,
01:00:43I can't go outside
01:00:46to exercise
01:00:47in the sunshine,
01:00:49or I'll become
01:00:50activated,
01:00:51which forces me back
01:00:54into the dark bar
01:00:57where I could have
01:00:58of a Bloody Mary
01:00:59with some bacon in it.
01:01:10And then I said
01:01:11to my sister,
01:01:11I would exercise more,
01:01:13but all I do
01:01:14is fly around.
01:01:15I'm just sitting
01:01:15in an airport.
01:01:16She goes,
01:01:16well, you should go
01:01:16get a Fitbit.
01:01:17This is what this is
01:01:18on my arm.
01:01:19It would work better
01:01:20if I charged it properly.
01:01:23but this counts
01:01:24your steps
01:01:25and your miles
01:01:25and it'll have
01:01:26your heart rate
01:01:27if you want
01:01:27to enter your food.
01:01:28It's like this,
01:01:29I go, okay,
01:01:30well, maybe I'll do that.
01:01:30Maybe I'll get addicted
01:01:31to seeing how many steps
01:01:32I get in a day.
01:01:33So, from my iPad
01:01:35on my couch,
01:01:36I ordered the Fitbit
01:01:39from Amazon.
01:01:40I paid the extra money
01:01:42to have it overnighted.
01:01:43So the following day,
01:01:44this was on my porch
01:01:46on my front steps,
01:01:47which I now know
01:01:48is six and a half steps
01:01:49away from my couch.
01:01:54And then I opened it up
01:01:56and I Googled it
01:01:58because I wanted to know
01:01:59how did it work.
01:02:00I mean, really,
01:02:01it can count how far
01:02:02I've walked steps
01:02:02and speed.
01:02:04I mean, we can't find
01:02:05Flight 370,
01:02:06but I'm not supposed
01:02:06to talk about that.
01:02:08I'm supposed to just
01:02:08let that go.
01:02:12But we have this technology.
01:02:14So I Googled,
01:02:15like, how does it work?
01:02:16Well, it works based
01:02:17on this motion
01:02:18from when you're walking.
01:02:19And then my Irish Jack
01:02:21answers kicked in
01:02:22and I thought,
01:02:23but does it know
01:02:24if my whole body's moving?
01:02:26What if I had a glass of wine
01:02:27and I was going like that?
01:02:29Would it know?
01:02:32The answer is no,
01:02:33it does not know.
01:02:34I drank two and a half miles
01:02:38while watching the last...
01:02:40Republican debate.
01:02:41Thank you.
01:02:48Two and a half miles
01:02:49while watching
01:02:49the last Republican debate.
01:02:56I know I won't vote
01:02:57for any politician
01:02:58who says this
01:02:58at any time
01:03:00if they say it.
01:03:01So far,
01:03:01four of them have said it.
01:03:02It's like a hack line
01:03:04they say on the campaign trail.
01:03:05just find it so cheesy
01:03:06where they'll go,
01:03:08people,
01:03:08America is a place
01:03:09where your dreams
01:03:10can come true.
01:03:11I'm here to make
01:03:12your dreams come true.
01:03:13Wouldn't you like
01:03:14your dreams to come true?
01:03:15I'm always sitting there
01:03:16thinking, no.
01:03:17No, I don't.
01:03:18And the fact
01:03:19that you said that
01:03:20makes me certain
01:03:21you have never drank
01:03:22a box of wine
01:03:23and taken an Ambien.
01:03:30I do not want
01:03:31my dreams to come true.
01:03:35It's horrifying.
01:03:36I did it
01:03:38like six weeks ago.
01:03:39Here was the dream.
01:03:40This is the whole dream.
01:03:41I'm in Alaska
01:03:42wearing a sombrero.
01:03:45It's raining Cheetos
01:03:47but I can't move my arms.
01:03:49It just...
01:03:56Three and a half hours of that.
01:03:58No thanks.
01:04:01And then I turned on
01:04:03late night TV
01:04:03and that's all the infomercials
01:04:05and there it was
01:04:05the Sarah McLachlan
01:04:06sad animal commercial.
01:04:09Exactly.
01:04:10Exactly.
01:04:11I feel the same way.
01:04:12But I've seen it
01:04:13like 200 times.
01:04:14And do you know
01:04:15what I've done?
01:04:15Honestly?
01:04:16Nothing.
01:04:17And that's not nice
01:04:18but that's the truth.
01:04:20And I thought
01:04:20why don't I react to this?
01:04:21Like I have...
01:04:23I can't get an animal.
01:04:24I'm gone too much
01:04:24but I can send the money.
01:04:26It's I think they say
01:04:27like 62 cents a day
01:04:28for the dog
01:04:29or the cat, right?
01:04:30But then I thought
01:04:30well I don't know
01:04:31what's going on there Sarah
01:04:33but that kid
01:04:34on the other channel
01:04:35is only 55 cents a day
01:04:36so maybe your cat's
01:04:38living a little large Sarah
01:04:39or maybe the child
01:04:41needs a raise.
01:04:42I don't know
01:04:42but someone should check that
01:04:44before you start
01:04:44throwing figures like that out
01:04:46at night, late night
01:04:47when all the infomercials
01:04:49are on in a row.
01:04:52And I thought
01:04:53this ad doesn't work on me
01:04:55because it's so sad
01:04:57I usually turn it off.
01:04:58Like you can't motivate people
01:05:00to action
01:05:00through the emotion
01:05:01of sadness.
01:05:02You need to make people angry
01:05:04or shocked or appalled.
01:05:05That's what gets people
01:05:06off their ass.
01:05:07You don't ever see a protest
01:05:08with a bunch of people
01:05:08just laying around crying.
01:05:10No.
01:05:11That's not gonna happen.
01:05:12And I thought
01:05:13they need to redo
01:05:14this commercial
01:05:14to make a lot more money
01:05:16for the animals.
01:05:17I, this is what I'm doing
01:05:18late night
01:05:19after my Ambien
01:05:20and box of wine.
01:05:21I'm thinking
01:05:22of how to fix
01:05:22the commercial.
01:05:24And I would call Sarah back.
01:05:26She seems like a lovely lady.
01:05:28Call her up in Canada.
01:05:30Go look
01:05:30we really messed up.
01:05:31We need you back down here
01:05:32and we're gonna reshoot
01:05:34the commercial.
01:05:35You pay for her
01:05:36to come back to America.
01:05:37You go here's what's gonna
01:05:38here's how it's gonna work Sarah.
01:05:40We're gonna send you out
01:05:41to that song
01:05:42that you wrote.
01:05:43the saddest song
01:05:44ever written
01:05:45on earth.
01:05:50I don't know
01:05:51what the words are.
01:05:52I think it's about
01:05:53that cat having pink eye
01:05:54but I can't
01:05:54I don't know.
01:05:55I, that one
01:05:56definitely has pink eye
01:05:57and it's dangerous
01:05:58because it's gonna
01:05:58hop to the other eye
01:05:59like Bob Costas
01:06:00instead of the Olympics.
01:06:02It's, it's a mess.
01:06:04And you gotta put
01:06:05hot water on it
01:06:06and cats don't like water.
01:06:07I don't even know
01:06:08how you would begin
01:06:08to fix that.
01:06:10But here's what's
01:06:11gonna happen Sarah.
01:06:13You're gonna walk out
01:06:14to that song
01:06:14that you wrote.
01:06:15Lovely song.
01:06:16And in one hand
01:06:17you're going to be
01:06:18holding a beagle puppy.
01:06:20And in the other hand
01:06:21you're going to be
01:06:22holding a pistol.
01:06:25Remember this is
01:06:26for the animals.
01:06:27Stay with me.
01:06:30And then I'm gonna
01:06:31need you Sarah
01:06:32to say
01:06:33in your oh so angelic voice
01:06:35without laughing
01:06:36you have to be serious.
01:06:39I should go
01:06:40hello
01:06:42I'm Sarah McLaughlin.
01:06:45If someone doesn't
01:06:46come down here
01:06:48in the next 45 minutes
01:06:51I'm gonna blow
01:06:52the Spiegel's brains out.
01:06:55I would be horrified.
01:06:57I'd be like
01:06:57can you shazam
01:06:58her location?
01:06:59Where is she?
01:07:00And I would drive
01:07:01down there
01:07:02and I would take
01:07:02the puppy
01:07:03and kick the gun
01:07:04out of her hand.
01:07:04And where did you
01:07:05even get a gun?
01:07:06You're Canadian.
01:07:07You're not even
01:07:07one bear gun
01:07:08per family Sarah.
01:07:10That is not
01:07:10a bear gun.
01:07:17You guys have been
01:07:18a lot of fun.
01:07:19If you drank
01:07:19and you're gonna drive
01:07:21focus.
01:07:23Don't be playing
01:07:24with your phone.
01:07:25I am not
01:07:25advocating
01:07:26drinking and driving.
01:07:28I'm not.
01:07:29Drinking and driving
01:07:30is really bad
01:07:30and it's really bad.
01:07:32These
01:07:32I never thought
01:07:33about this
01:07:33but I have a friend
01:07:35who he told me
01:07:36to say was
01:07:36a very handsome
01:07:37friend Rick
01:07:38in Denver.
01:07:40He got a DUI
01:07:40and I never
01:07:41thought about this
01:07:41until he told me
01:07:42what happens.
01:07:43Now when you
01:07:44get taken to jail
01:07:45they take all
01:07:46your stuff
01:07:46that includes
01:07:48your phone
01:07:48and they lock
01:07:49it all in a drawer.
01:07:50Then they come
01:07:51back to your cell
01:07:52and tell you
01:07:52you're now allowed
01:07:53to make one phone call.
01:07:57Well,
01:07:58that's a problem
01:08:00because you just
01:08:01locked my brain
01:08:02in a drawer.
01:08:06I don't know
01:08:07anybody's phone numbers
01:08:08by heart anymore.
01:08:10I thought,
01:08:10seriously,
01:08:11I don't.
01:08:11I don't know.
01:08:12What would you do?
01:08:14I know the number
01:08:15of the house
01:08:16I grew up in.
01:08:17I could call
01:08:19that family
01:08:21and hope
01:08:22that they were
01:08:23really nice people.
01:08:25Don't hang up.
01:08:26Don't hang up.
01:08:26Oh my God.
01:08:27Oh my God.
01:08:29I'm in so much trouble.
01:08:32I know you guys
01:08:33are kind of busy
01:08:34in Ferguson.
01:08:37Do you have
01:08:38$2,800?
01:08:42And then I thought,
01:08:43seriously,
01:08:44I said, really?
01:08:44They wouldn't even
01:08:45look at your phone?
01:08:45He goes,
01:08:46Kathleen,
01:08:46you don't get it.
01:08:47No.
01:08:47No.
01:08:48I go,
01:08:48well,
01:08:49I think that's
01:08:49being stringent.
01:08:50You're not a murderer.
01:08:51You're not a rapist.
01:08:51You're Drunky the Clown.
01:08:52You've been captured.
01:08:53You can't hurt anybody.
01:08:55They wouldn't even
01:08:56show you your contacts.
01:08:57No.
01:08:58And I thought,
01:08:59well,
01:08:59especially if I'd
01:09:00have been drinking,
01:09:01that's when my
01:09:01jackass behavior
01:09:02would kick in
01:09:03and I'd say,
01:09:04okay,
01:09:05I'm ready for my call.
01:09:06And I'd let them
01:09:07bring me the phone
01:09:08and my one call,
01:09:09I would call 911
01:09:12from the cell.
01:09:17Hello?
01:09:18Oh, yes,
01:09:19this is absolutely
01:09:20an emergency.
01:09:22Well,
01:09:23I have been kidnapped.
01:09:25That's what's
01:09:26going on here.
01:09:29I was abducted
01:09:31by two men
01:09:32in matching outfits.
01:09:37And I was thrown
01:09:38into what I could
01:09:40always surmise right now
01:09:41is some sort
01:09:42of sex dungeon.
01:09:48No,
01:09:49I'm not laughing.
01:09:50No,
01:09:50I'm not laughing.
01:09:53My location?
01:09:54Well,
01:09:55that actually
01:09:55is kind of funny.
01:09:57If you would just
01:09:58glance down the hall.
01:09:59Ha-ha!
01:10:02All right,
01:10:03you guys,
01:10:04thank you so much.
01:10:05I've had a great time.
01:10:07Thank you for coming out.
01:10:08We appreciate it.
01:10:10Bluetooth,
01:10:10thank you.
01:10:11Goodbye.
01:10:11Thank you.
01:10:15Thank you.
01:10:16Thank you.
01:10:18Thank you.
01:10:18Thank you.
01:10:24Malagaire.
01:10:24Malagaire.
01:10:26Thank you.
01:10:28Thank you.
01:10:31Thank you.
01:10:34Thank you.
01:10:35Thank you.
01:10:36Thank you.
01:10:36Thank you.
01:10:36Thank you.
01:10:37Thank you.
01:10:38Thank you.
01:10:38Thank you.
01:10:39Thank you.
01:10:39Thank you.
01:10:39Thank you.
01:10:39Thank you.
01:10:40Thank you.
01:10:40Thank you.
01:10:40Thank you.
01:10:40Thank you.
01:10:40Thank you.
01:10:40Thank you.
01:10:41Thank you.
01:10:42Thank you.
01:10:43Thank you.
01:10:44Thank you.
01:10:45Thank you.
01:11:13Abonnez-vous !
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